#Same reason Ruby and Ava didn't work out

[anniemunchkins]

Marty could never.

[thedevilssinner]

Ruby, I hope you don't mind that I answer you like this. For some reason this made me emotional and make me dive into my own insecurities, so I hope that if you read this maybe it makes you feel better that you're not alone 🫂

First and foremost, I'm sorry to hear that you struggle with the imposter syndrome 🫂 I know you already mentioned it a few times but didn't expect it to be this much. I think I understand you, at least a part of it.

In my country, we start to learn English in middle school, but I was often sick and even had to repeat one year and English was something I was terrible at. It just didn't go to my head.

I was startig to read fanfictions back then but I've read them in my language. The problem was that there wasn't much or they weren't good and I wanted more, so I decided to start reading in English and it was a struggle, but I get through it.

I also loved movies and series with the original voices, watching with subtitles, which helped a lot and suddenly I wanted to learn. I wanted more.

Then in high school we got a teacher who was very patient and taught me the basics again, explaining how everything works. I'm still not perfect at it and I don't think I'll ever will but it helps immensely (To this day I don't remember days in English and awful lot of other words)

But then I found Tumblr and I wanted to talk to people, communicate with them about things we share interests and I found out that it's harder for me than I thought. I'm an anxious person, more that I care to admit to even myself and whenever I wanted to write a comment or send an ask to someone, the anxiety get to me.

What if I write so badly that they would laugh at me? What if I wouldn't understand what they're saying back or took so long replying that they loose interest in our conversation? How could I even express how I feel?

It's a constant problem, especially with your fics and the last bit of my anxiety questions. (It's also the reason why communicating through sending asks and comments is easier for me that be on discord and similar chatting sites.)

Your fics make me feel so many things and I want to tell you how much I love them but... there's so many words I still don't know and the ones I know always escape me so I feel like I'm always repeating myself and that you had to be tired of hearing the same praises from me over and over.

I'm with you since Miguel and sweet girl, which initially made me send my first ask to you and I'm not ever going to regret it.

I think you're my favourite writer so far and if you wrote an original book I would read it 100%. You are so good at setting the scenes and expressing feelings of the characters, making them real and valid. The Arrangement honestly feels as if I'm reading a book. The chapters always enchants me and I get lost in the story, eager to find out what you come up with.

Your Tav and Ava are amazingly done, Tav isn't some perfect, clueless girl and Ava is an enigma that makes so many people hate her, including me, but it also mades me love her! Because she's not some stereotypical villain or supporting character. She's her own person and I truly can't tell her true intentions, making me suspicious of her and love her all the same time.

I'm always baffled by how you use the English language and create something like the Arrangement but even your smut.

I know that often it's just a shameless filth but still, there something you do that makes me absolutely love it and get sucked into the story and then I suffer because it makes me horny as fuck 😫 truly, Ruby, your smut could be sold like an aphrodisiacs.

I know that the imposter syndrome wouldn't just dissapear, but I hope that whenever you feel bad about your fics, you remember that there's a lot of people that love it and they definitely let you know 🫂🩷

getting this off my chest

I really, really love writing for this fandom.

I think I haven't felt like this in years.

Astarion is such an enticing vessel for my creativity and has rekindled my joy for writing and putting it out there.

Alas, imposter syndrome really gnaws at my nerves more often than I care to admit.

"But Ruby, you have so many people who like your work. Why do you doubt yourself?"

Because I grew up being told I was never enough. That I was the worst at what I did best, which back then was learning English and surrounding myself in the language, hence why I sought comfort in fanfiction.

My sister, whom I love dearly, is an English teacher. She would be so harsh on me, and I know she meant well. She really did. But it was so hard back then. I would come to her with creative writing in English and she would just roll her eyes and tell me I wasn't good enough.

Nowadays, she acknowledges that I am more proficient than her and more at ease with the language, and even tells my nephew to study English with me instead.

But back then, I needed someone to believe I could do better.

So, there is a part of me that is proud that I am able to deal with real-life fatigue by writing and finding enjoyment in this hobby. But a much darker part of me tells me I'm not worthy and that I simply got lucky.

The Arrangement means a lot to me. I tend to dive right into fandoms and start writing for the character that caught my eye.

But I couldn't do that for Astarion... I am still unsure why. For those of you who have been here from my Miguel O'Hara days or when I first started posting about Astarion, you'll know The Arrangement was the first thing I ever posted for him.

Took me 2 weeks to get the first chapter out because I kept thinking I couldn't find a voice for Astarion. One that felt like him. After all, I'm always a step behind because I am not a native speaker. There will always be that looming feeling that I can't convey this story properly.

Even if you now know me for my Astarion smut, that wasn't even the driving force of my love for him.

It took me 2 months to feel comfortable writing smut for him. Why? I don't even know.

But The Arrangement feels different.

I love writing it and I love taking my liberties with the plot.

It's my opportunity to fully showcase my love for him.

I know not everyone likes it. I know some of you have dropped it. Some of you will drop it. But some will walk along this path with me, and I can't stress enough how your feedback and love help keep these negative thoughts at bay.

It's an internal work, though. It is not your job to validate my writing skills. This is not what puts food on my table. I am not looking to be published. I am looking for an escape. And it's so frustrating when my mind tries to rob me of joy even when it comes to a hobby.

"If this is a hobby why does it matter what others think or if they like what you write? Just have fun. Write for yourself."

And I do write for myself, but I share my work because I am hopeful my words can make someone's day. I seek that connection I never had growing up. Perhaps it sounds silly, but it's what makes the most sense in my head.

The Arrangement should be my pride and joy even if not perfect (nothing ever is, I suppose). And I'm exhausted of not feeling proud of it. I'm tired of this vicious cycle of self-doubt.

Don't get me wrong. I love writing smut. I think that's what I'm best at (well, in my opinion). I love exploring Astarion this way, too, but...

I don't know where I'm going with this... if anyone has made it this far, thank you, and sorry for the word vomit...

[sillymuses]

She lets the hug last for however long Ava needs it too. Ruby can handle the heat thanks to her armored self. Once the other let's go, Ruby still offers to hold her hand if she wants it.

"No no, I understand. Maybe he had his reasonings for doing so but that doesn't excuse the fact that it hurt. Especially if this is something important to you." Her mind goes back to the time she first started learning about her heritage as a giant kraken and her mother had kept it secret from her. She had felt so betrayed that her mother didn't trust her with this knowledge. But overtime Agatha learned that it wasn't the right thing to do.

The kraken nods her head in return. "It's for the best that you two talk it out though. Um, when you're both calm of course. Trust me, I had to do the same thing with my mom. She kept secrets from me too and it hurt but we were able to work things out. Understand both sides. That's important for getting things back on track." Or at least attempting too.

"Is there anything else I can do for, Ava? Anything at all?"

Thankfully, there's not too much more left to her tale, relief flooding through her when Ruby doesn't ask any questions outright. She meets the hug with perhaps a slightly stronger embrace than the kraken's, but she is visibly relaxed a little further when she pulls away a little bit later.

"I... I know he was probably worried about me or somethin', 'cus he's just kinda like that, but it still hurt. 'M just mad that he lied for so long. I feel like, like... Like he didn't trust me to be okay with it? I- I don't want to put words in his mouth either, but it's just frustrating."

"I was pretty mad at him that night, so I left before I could hurt him or anyone else. Wandered around for a little bit, made sure that I had got all my anger out that night..." Glancing down at her hands, she picks anxiously at her nails, heaving a heavy sigh.

Her mind had been all over the place since, she was more than a little frazzled from it all, but she was feeling better now. Letting her what ifs about Odin fester wasn't about to do her much, and just talking to someone else about it all made her feel like a weight was taken off her shoulders. "'M gonna wait a little bit before I go talk to him again, make sure 'm really calm before I do so. I just hope he knows that I wasn't gonna tell him what to do, I could really care less about whether or not other people make pacts or not. I wouldn't want to make one, I just wanna know where they are."