#Sex drive is pretty average until Spring THEN it goes to 9... >.>

[cxpperhead]

Rate your muse’s traits 0-10!

Compassion: 2/10 Bitterness: 2/10 Happiness: 4/10 Politeness: 8/10 Chivalry: 3/10 Pride: 8/10 Honesty: 6/10 Bravery: 8/10 Recklessness: 5/10 Ambition: 9/10 Loyalty: 9/10* Love: 7/10 Sense of family: 1/10 Attractiveness: ?/10* Agility: 10/10 Sex drive: 5/10*

Tagged by: @belost-the-watcher (♡) Tagging: @ataviisms, @caestusvulpes, @celerem, @cxpedcrusxder, @question-marked, @qu-tipie, @messeduphood, @red-hemlock, @sanguine-salvation, @whxlmedwing, @the-arkham-librarian, @the-rorschach-mask, @twcfaces, @umbrellamedic and anybody else who'd like to do this?

[strawberry-jules]

the seventh

i’m back! i’ve been on a wild journey, emotionally. obviously, it’s just barely 2021, god knows we can’t leave our towns.

anyway.

i’ve been doing a lot of asking myself the hard questions i wasn’t necessarily ready for. why do i have to be in constant motion? what am i running from? why do i struggle with commitment to places and occupations and ideas for my future? what do i keep coming back to between these flittings? who am i? how does my sexuality play into my future? DOES it play into my future? how does coming out change me, and why? why do i feel the sudden need to reinvent everything about myself, when this is supposed to be a time to discover me?

that barrage of questions were pretty much the sequence they came to me and pushed me to the decision i’m about to make. however, i think there are some aspects i need to touch on first. 

i realized a little bit ago that i’m simply reliving times from my past that felt like truly life altering times. moments where my life might’ve changed course, through young self discovery or just momentous occasions. the main one i’ve been stuck in for a few weeks is the one with julia lay, where i first encountered my sexuality without knowing it. reflecting on it is making me do all the discovery and growing up that goes with it in a few short weeks, rather than the 2-3 years in which it took the events to unfold. it’s been a lot. what came of it, though, is realizing i don’t want to have a drastic change in myself that’s based on my sexuality. i experienced enough of that forcing myself to be straight, i don’t want to force myself to swing the pendulum back, mid-swing, when i’m perfectly happy letting it ride out its course while i figure out what i want.

i have reached the next stage: summer of 2019. truly, this started in the spring semester of my freshman year, january of 2019, but summer pushed it to new places. i felt this constant desire to be in my car, driving up into the mountains, listening to soft music and reflecting and escaping. i preferred going alone, finding coffee shops and cafes to read books or just sit on my phone for a bit, finding places to pull over and read a book, going camping and for walks and engaging myself with my life and with nature simultaneously. i lived moment to moment, perfectly happy in my responsibilities and how much i loved life. then summer came. a month working in a real office, a real 9-5, being a clerk! i drank shitty coffee and filed while listening to podcasts all day, and as any sort of career, it sucked ass, and i would never. but for an 18 year old, that was the dream. i was finally treated as an adult in a position of actual importance. i had to have a full background check, i had access to thousands of people’s very personal information. i was an adult, i was valued and respected and made good money. then we whisked off to europe. i checked off more of my country bucket list in one swing than i could have imagined seeing in 10 years. i felt this insane rush of being alive. these places we were in, so high and cold and nordic with strong seas and snow and tundra grasses mixed with trees and flowers and bees and fjords echoing the sounds of docks and the cool breeze blowing through an icelandic belltower and the traditional brickwork buildings we ran past in a sudden rainstorm in belgium; i felt home. standing on open moors on the ring of kerry, climbing ruined castle walls on the shore of southampton, walking the canals in amsterdam, drinking a cup of earl grey tea and journaling about the thrill of my day to day existence, so fresh to me and so full of potential, it felt so right. i met michael, i practiced minimalism and got a job as a supplemental instructor for my favorite class of my freshman year the following fall. i started exercising and continuing to take my mountain drives and engaged in all the unique classes i never considered being interested in until i let myself expand my horizons. i learned a new language and got dumped and discovered my sexuality and was so broke that i bought gas in quarters and i eventually made it home to my parents. that was all in a year. my life was independent and free and it was all up to me. now i’m back with my parents, in a pandemic, struggling to find the motivation to go to work, much less believe in a life ahead of me. 

that’s where reflecting on the moments that made me, me, became so important. figuring out why i loved julia lay so much, what that first love means for me moving forward, and how i can learn to make that a part of me without letting it overbear my personality, like i used to. a ho phase is not something i want to repeat. sex with men was meaningless because i didn’t want it. i want to respect my body and my sexuality now, and for me, that means letting it take a back seat while i know who i am without my sexuality. i haven’t given myself time to fully become me, without encumbering myself with the weight of a sexual identity. and who am i without that sexual identity? what do i want from life, and what do i consider success? is is working as a PA? i really don’t think so. the idea becomes more and more unappealing as i realize that i don’t want a family young. i want to give myself time to live. i’m young and selfish, and that’s okay. so, what does life on my own terms look like? how do I chase that life I felt so intensely a year and a half ago? 

I’m starting to think it looks a little like this:

i want to do a study abroad program or just study abroad and get the fuck out of the US for a little while, then eventually come back and continue to live on my own for a year, maybe near seattle or maybe in logan or maybe outside denver, and try to build a life that i find meaningful and successful and exhilarating. i think i want to be a flight attendant, maybe try to build a travel blog so that i can eventually go back to working in coffee or something while i fix up a sprinter van and start traveling that way more. here’s the timeline i’m thinking, and i’m open to flexibility. that’s something i want to start working on.

i’m going to change my major one last time, i think. i might do a degree in english or writing, and minor in a foreign language, preferably german. also, i’m not going to try to account for family or an S/O that might appear along the way. these goals are for me on my own right now. if plans change, i’ll adjust. but i want a solid plan.

jan-dec 2021: focus on work and school, occasional small trips and lots of hiking. prioritizing exercise as a part of my future is important to me. this means: stopping smoking. i’m actually pretty serious about this. i want to spend my money that i’m not saving on investing in myself. going on small trips, buying myself gear to backpack and camp, to invest in my relationship with nature and ability to be independent and self sustain. at first, my daily goal will be to accomplish 3 of the 6 daily priorities: school, work, exercise, reading, friends/family, chores. if i go to work, then come home and go for a run, and finish off the evening writing a paper that’s due, i don’t have to do my laundry tonight. the next day, i could go to work, then come home and throw my laundry in the washer, head out to los osos to hike, come back and throw it in the dryer and knock out some school reading, then i can read for pleasure if i want to, or i can veg and watch TV, even though i want to reduce the amount of time i spend doing things like watching tv or youtube. small give and take. i’ll eventually aim for a productivity level of 4-5/6 on a good day, but i’m okay with averaging 3-4 a day.

jan 2022: be leaving for wherever by now. gotta get this part figured out in a couple weeks.

dec 2023 or may 2024: be graduating with a degree. i don’t want to see anything less than a degree in my hand by the time i’m 24. i want to be involved and engaged with my daily routine and see how it fits into my bigger picture. i struggle to be a fine details person, and that’s something i want to change.

by july 2024: start a job as a flight attendant or something similarly customer service and travel centric. use this as a way to build a travel following.

by dec 2028: have a plan, girl. you’re 28. do it yourself.

that’s all i’ve got so far, but it’s refreshing to not try to plan every step. just the major ones, like school or no school and where and why, ie changing my major at asu so that i can become a flight attendant and hopefully have a degree relevant to something i want to do later in life. who knows what that will be? not me, and that’s okay.