#So I don’t want to do fuckong anything anymore

[dragons-hoarde]

tag dump heads up it’s a little bit of a mess

[spookyxkitten]

1/13/2020

940 and I still dont feel any better. I’m just scrolling looking at and reading things. Crying here and there.

I dont feel real. I don’t feel safe. I dont feel comfortable. I dont feel anything good. Just bad after bad after bad. My thoughts are racing.

As soon as he said hes moving out of state my head immediately went to a bad place. Immediately went to “I’m sorry but I’m leaving you.” And im not going to be in MASS for long after I’m back anyway. which isn’t something that is like effecting me just at the time hearing that put me right into panic mode. and I still kind of am....i have like this thought and fear that he’s going to go somewhere far away and be like “its over” and that he is never coming back and that has been fucking with me really bad. I just want to push away or run away or leave before he can leave me. 

I cant function well today. I’m scared I’ll go into work and something wont be good enough that we did this weekend after all the work we did. Something is always wrong. I’m scared I’ll snap and cry if that happens.

I’m emotionally and mentally fragile today.

Ik I should eat today but I dont want to. I know I use it as self punishment. Ik I’ll do sone form of that today. I dont feel okay. I feel broken. Off. Not real. Crying a lot.

I hate this. I hate feeling like this. I hate myself. I want….no I NEED this to fuckong go away. I dont know how much longer i can take this. Nobody understands. I feel like shit. I feel pathetic. I feel like a monster. Gross. Disgusting. Broken. Manipulative.

I just want it all yo go away.

Please just someone make this go away.

I hate that what happened to me turned me into this disgusting monster

I need it to end. I hate living with this. I cant live like this anymore. I hate myself. I cantvlive eith this my entire life. I fucking cant.

I ruin everything good in my life. I ruin everything. Why cant I be heathy. Why cant I be normal. I had so much potential. I was a good person. Now I’m a monster. I cant control my anger and emotions. I want to disappear. I cant stop crying. I dont want to be here anymore. I just want to be done. Its better for me and everyone else. I feel like this is my ONLY way out. I’m never going to be okay. I am never going to heal. I am always going to be fucked up. I hate myself.

Somebody please make this stop. I cant do it anymore. I’m fucking scared I’m a mess. Idfk anymore. I cant live with this shit in my head anymore. These mood swings. The splitting. The rage. I fuckimg cant. My own mind is fucking killing me. Every fucking day I have to fucking fight it and I’m losing all my fuckimg control over it. I cant. I cant run away and be “okay” because I cant run away from my head. I can’t run away from my thoughts. I CANT FUCKING RUN AWAY FROM MY FUCKING ILLNESS. The only fucking cure, the ONLY peace I’ll ever get is from a bullet in my fucking brain. But I wont. I wont go and do all that shit to get one and kill myself. I think they are cool. I think I would feel better with it. But I know I’m not safe having one. I’ll use it on myself because in my head thsts the ONLY justified way out.

I joke about being suicidal and plans I have but its serious. They are scary thoughts but idk how else to Express them. I’m fighting myself every fucking day of my fucking life against those thoughts. Every. Fucking. Day

I’m starting to want to put myself in dangerous situations because I want to get hurt or die because then it wont be by my hands. And nobody would hate me for it.

Idfk

I just am in so much pain and I’m struggling. Idk how to tell anyone how I’m feeling or how to ask them for help. I’m scared.

I dont want to be like this. I don’t want to still be hurt by the past. I dont want to feel rage. I dont want to struggle with not feeling like he cares or loves me or wants me. I dont want to struggle with my emotions. I dont want to be so sensitive and easily hurt. I’m tired of walking around with emotional burns. I dont want to be like this. I’m trying so fucking hard to suppress everything. Its killing me.

I just need somebody to make it fuckimh stop.

I cant live with it anymore. Its killing me.