#… I also just woke up and Im upset and maybe it might be a period week but I HAVENT BEEN ABLE TO GET ON PROGESTERONE SO FUCK ME I GUESS-

[dragons-hoarde]

tag dump heads up it’s a little bit of a mess

[matan4il]

hello alice! it’s miya here & yes it’s been a hot minute since i’ve been in your ask box! i recently just had 3 surgeries that were basically two in my nose & then i had to get my tonsils out again so i’ve essentially been recovering from that & not in the mood to talk mostly. I do however hope all has been well with you.

since the finale is right around the corner, I wanted to talk to you about buck’s growth this season. we know in the beginning that buck was upset about not getting picked as interim captain despite the fact that he was not clearly ready, the couch theory & how actually death experiences can reset all the progress you’ve made.

i’ve see a lot of folks saying buck has regressed back into old habits & i’d say that’s not true. Buck agreeing to be a donor in the beginning was something he did because he’s buck but the influence around him saying yes was mainly what connor said to him about him being such a good person & what not. now after he dies buck realized he can’t live based off of how others see him & make decisions solely off of that which is why things quickly ended with natalia. i thought it was funny how she said she needed a minute to think & not 10 seconds later she left 😭. Buck didn’t necessarily chase after her for the sake of getting her back but i think he wanted her so badly to understand & it’s like there is already someone in his life who understands & sees him for who he really is and that’s eddie. it’s hard to see someone who buck may feel like kinda has to accept him for all he is cause that’s his best friend as a potential partner but i think there is a possibility we might see that in the finale.

we know the entire 118 is in danger, now granted we have no idea what that means & since we logically only have 45 minutes to tell this story, there is a possibility of things not being completely wrapped up. i wanted to also point out that the only two people (technically 3 if you count chris) who know that buck does not have a couch is Bobby & Eddie. two important people in his life who buck would quite literally lay his life down for. Buck told eddie that “maybe he does not want to pick the wrong couch again” & then he later on told bobby that “im afraid im gonna keep on making the same mistakes” it’s clear buck wants to go about things differently but it’s a matter of how?

i think he was on his way there but then he died and suddenly life got confusing for him. sometimes i think people downplay the fact that buck’s heart stopped & how he genuinely felt like he got away with something when he woke up in the hospital. of course he is going to go around making the most of life. now the way he goes about it may not be the way we want it to happen but it does make sense for bucks character. he wants to treat every waking moment as a gift & that’s things are a sign cause he feels like he’ll never get that lucky again & that’s ultimately very sad.

i think we’ll definitely see buck in s more bigger leadership position next monday however the biggest difference is that his team will be a witness. his team doesn’t know how buck took charge when the tsunami happened or how he saved eddie’s life during the shooting & i’m still on the fence of if eddie knows that. i hope they see what he’s capable of but I hope buck see’s that he’s already had these skills in him it was just a matter of tapping into them.

the couch theory idk.. they have been making it a point to show buck, chris on the couch & then chris and eddie with a space open for one more as if we wouldn’t notice but idk we will see. maybe buck takes eddie home after everything & he falls asleep on the couch after putting chris to bed & everything kinds of falls into place

anyways sorry for my rambling. i have had all of this on my mind for a while lol but again I hope all is well with yous and that life has been treating you good. ❤️

Hi darling! OMG, 3 surgeries? That's so much, especially over such a short period of time. I hope you're doing better now? And thank you for the kind words and for caring. I'm not doing so hot at the moment, but hoping it'll get better. *HUGS*

TBH, I'm not sure what I think. I do expect the finale not to wrap everything up, because they have so many balls they've been juggling up in the air, the bridge collapse will take up a huge part of the ep, so I really don't know how much they can condense into this and address all of the threads that they opened this season. I do absolutely expect that there will be circles that they'll be closing, like Buck moving from feeling dejected over not being considered for the position of interim captain in 601, to acting as captain in the field when the 118 (with Bobby) goes down. And since 601 linked Buck figuring his own life out enough to be able to take this position by linking to the metaphor of the couch, I very much expect to see some return to that, although all may not be resolved in 618. Kind of like how 414 gave us the talk between Buddie to resolve Buck's immediate sense of guilt over seeing Eddie getting shot in front of his very eyes, but it didn't resolve the "make sure you follow your heart" thread that was opened in 413. Eddie still needed to go through it at the beginning of s5 in order to choose himself and be able to break up with Ana in 503. Similarly, Buck was just starting things out with Taylor in 414, and he needed all of s5 to break up with her, even though it was clear they were wrong for each other from the start, and especially as their first kiss was born from Buck's distress over Eddie getting shot in front of his own eyes.

Thank you so much for sharing your thoughts with me! I'm looking forward to screaming over 618 with you once it airs! Sending tons of love and good healing vibes to you, lovely. (as always, here's my ask tag) xoxox

[gobblewanker]

Well. Guess who had some late night Emotions™ and wrote another drabble on that "Sherman adopts Stan and Ford when they're eight because Filbrick is the worst" story?

The room at Sherman's apartment was smaller than the one at their parents place had been. It was cramped, the singular window was poorly insulated, and the wallpaper was flaking. Almost everything in it was second hand - deeply cherished childhood toys picked up from garage sales piled in a corner, a banged up desk Sherman's college was going to throw out anyways nestled under the drafty window, an old space heater Ford had to repair nearly every winter puttering away snugly next to the drawer with it's missing handle. Everything was old and worn, but in a good, reassuring, way. Like a pair of well used shoes, slowly adjusted to it's wearer's feet and fitting far more comfortably than a new pair ever could. As far as Ford was concerned, it was infinitely more a home than the pawnshop had ever been.

Maybe that made sense though. He'd soon spent half his life there. The latter part. The better one. The one spent living in a shoddy apartment which's walls nonetheless practically oozed with love and family. The one without dad looming large like some invisible but always precent danger. The one with memories permeated by safety and stability.

Ford knew much of that stability was a carefully crafted façade, propped up on his big brother's shoulders. He'd caught on to it long before Stan, but in retrospect it was obvious. The way Sherman would skip meals so they never had to, the way he always seemed to be working overtime, all of it. It wasn't a stable situation at all. But he'd made it feel that was. Always made it seem like there was nothing to worry about. Ford and Stan had tried to help out wherever they could, doing chores when there were any and otherwise just being good and staying out of the way. It had taken a long time for the permanence of the situation to sink in. For the realization to hit that they wouldn't get sent back. That no matter what they did, Shermie wouldn't get fed up with them and cart them back to Pa.

But what if it wouldn't be up to him?

"Hey, Stan?" Ford whispered into the quiet of the dark. From the bunk under him, he heard a low grunt of affirmation.

"Yeah?" There was no trace of drowsiness in Stan's voice.

"I can't sleep."

"Tell me about it."

Ford dropped his arm over the side of the bed, letting it dangle. It didn't take more than a few seconds for Stan's hand to find it. Five fingers intertwining with six. An old gesture of reassurance. Quiet and secret, Pa wasn't big on sentimentality. That stuff was for women and crybabies. The secrecy wasn't a necessity anymore, Sherman didn't mind, but the gesture had carried them through long enough to become ingrained.

"I'm scared." Ford said. The confession came with ease. Just one of the millions that had been dispersed into the darkened bedroom over the years. Half a childhood spent.

"Me too." Stan's voice answered, drifting up from below. "Ya thinking about the war?"

Ford nodded into his pillow, before remembering Stan couldn't see him. "Yeah."

Silence descended on the room like a blanket again. Soft, but very palpable and almost suffocating.

It had been a perfectly normal day at first. When they woke up that morning, everything had been just fine. Perfectly average. You never really appreciate 'avrage' until it's threatened.

There'd been recruiters at their school, talking to the older students about war and enlistment and other things Ford wanted nothing to do with. It was something he was going to ignore. It didn't concern him. He and Stan were both too young. He'd felt a strange sense of almost invulnerability at that. So he'd just kept walking. He'd gotten caught up in an interesting discussion with his physics teacher at the end of the lesson, and was far more concerned with the fact that he was running late to meet up with Stan for lunch. But then it'd hit him with the same speed and ferocity as an oncoming freight train that while he and Stan might be in the clear, that same certainty was in no way extended to Sherman.

The closest thing to a parent they had, and an uncaring universe had just added his name to some nebulous lottery where being picked would spell tragedy.

Sherman was security, and now he might be ripped away.

Suffice to say, they hadn't gone to get food after that. Instead, the entire lunch period had been spent locked up in a bathroom stall, Stan trying his best to talk Ford down from the ensuing panic attack without becoming overwrought himself.

"What do we do, Stan?" Ford's voice was low and miserable. He'd managed to pull himself together for the entire evening, not wanting to worry Sherman. But problems always seemed much bigger in the dark, and this one was insurmountable enough in daylight.

"I donno." Stan said. "Do ya wanna go talk with 'im?"

"I don't know."

Ford went quiet again, just listening to the rumbling heater and the odd car passing by outside. If there was one thing he missed about their old room, it was the sound of the ocean. A busy road was no substitute for calming waves.

Did he want to go talk to Sherman? Yes. The sense of comfort he usually got - both of them usually got - from doing that was so deep rooted it was only surpassed by the comfort they could find in eachother. But this was about Sherman, so venting their fears with him might help. He never got upset at them for doing so, not for being 'sissies' or for keeping him up when he had work in the morning or for bothering him. The fact that they could go wake him up if they needed it was another one of those truths that had taken a long time to sink in. But after a bad bout of the flu had almost escalated to hospitalisation for both of them because they wouldn't tell Sherman they weren't feeling well they'd sat down and had a very long chat about the importance of communication. It still felt like night and day compared to Pa.

"I guess I want to go talk to him. But it feels stupid."

"You know he wouldn't see it like that." Stan's hand squeezed Ford's comfortingly.

"I know. But..."

But what? Ford wasn't sure how to articulate the issue. Not even to himself really. He wanted to go and ask for reassurance, he wanted that familiar comfort. The one that made him think of sitting up late at night being hugged and reassured through childhood stomach aches and emotional breakdowns over bullies. That strange paradoxical feeling of a miserable situation made almost... Cozy? None of those situations were ever good. The things that facilitated them hurt. But that hurt facilitated closeness and safety, and those emotions were always the ones that remained. They were good memories tinged with something bad. Or maybe bad memories overwhelmed by something good?

So yes. He wanted that. He wanted to make a good memory out of this hurt.

But that felt selfish.

The situation was horrible. Horrible to the point where trying to make something good, however miniscule, come out of it almost felt like it'd be disrespectful. Making light of something that should stay dark. That should hurt, and only hurt.

"Ford? Ya still awake?"

Ford breathed shakily through his nose. Trying to stop his voice from wavering the way he just knew it would.

"I want to go talk to him. But it feels wrong."

"Why?"

"I don't know how to- I don't-" Ford paused, focusing on breathing again. Intellectually, he knew he didn't have the keep the emotions tapped down. Another lesson Sherman had worked hard to drill into them. It was okay to cry and dad was an asshole for demanding they don't. But he still didn't want to. It still felt somehow weak. Shameful. "I want to go, I want to make it feel better, but I also don't want to make it feel better because it hurts and it should. It should hurt. It's awful."

Stan remained quiet for another few seconds. Usually he had no qualms about blurting out whatever came to his mind, but maybe this situation required more thought.

"Let me get this straight... The reason you don't want to go and talk to Shermie is because ya want to be upset?"

Ford didn't know if that was it or not. He couldn't make heads or tails of his own emotions. They felt huge and overwhelming, too big to fit inside him but also too big to unravel and understand. Like a nest of gigantic snakes all tangled up in eachother, chaotic and confused, hissing and biting itself.

"It's bad. It's so bad that trying to make it good feels wrong." He didn't know if that was it either.

Stan let go of his hand, and Ford instantly mourned the loss of contact. Comfort? Wasn't comfort what he didn't want? He was so confused, he just wanted everything to make sense. He lifted the corner of his t-shirt to wipe at his stinging eyes as Stan's face appeared over the side of the bed.

"Ford... Look, it's okay to let things hurt, but it's also okay to make them hurt less." Stan looked at him intensely. Ford felt himself becoming even more choked up at the scrutiny. "No, seriously. It's like... Like breaking a leg, right? Remember that time in fourth grade when you did that?"

Ford nodded, slightly unsure what this had to do with anything.

"It hurt, and it's okay that it hurt. It made sense that it hurt, and you don't pretend like it doesn't. But just because it makes sense that it hurts doesn't mean it was bad that you got painkillers and a cast. Without that junk it wouldn't have healed right."

That... He supposed that might be a valid analogy. Maybe Stan had a point.

"So... You think we should go?"

"Are you going to feel any better if we don't?"

Ford considered for a moment, still warring with the conflicting emotions twisting his stomach all up in knots. But he thought maybe it was slightly less. Shaking his head, he excavated himself from the nest of blankets and clambered down the ladder. Moving through the darkened apartment and arriving to knock at their brother's door as they'd done so many times before.

In the end, it did help. Sitting huddled together on the bed in the dark until the sun began to rise and the fear crept away with the shadows. Until it felt safe enough to fall asleep, secure in the knowledge that everyone would still be there come morning. The situation was large and looming and firmly out of their control. That much didn't change. They couldn't decide how things would end, but they could decide how they would cope. And they would cope.

Together.

[usedtobeyours]

try hard dick energy: a fairytale

try hard dick energy got his nickname after almost 3 months of me seeing him

he used to be soft dick energy first. 

we met through friends, as i usually like it to go. 

on a regular thursday, we started chatting and we kind of fit. his music seemed to be a perfect match to my favorites. i listened to his playlist that whole week. 

a week later we met at said friends’ home, on the day before a holiday. 

my first impression was meh. but than again, it had been over 5 months since i even kissed another guy. 

conversation went on, and my thinking was: wow, i can actually be friends with this dude

then we got drunk and he ended up waiting for when my friend went to the bathroom to kiss me. again, a meh kinda kiss. but again, 5 months. it still felt nice, butterflies and all. 

i was on my period, maybe day four of it. after my friend went to sleep, we started drunkenly making out and he tried taking my clothes off. i was like no, no way, i have my period. and he said he didn’t mind. i wasnt sure i did. 

then, a call that was just the best to get. friend #2 coming home from a date. we chatted on the dining room and i tried keeping her there for as long as i could before she started bobbing her head. to this day, he swears i was making faces at her for her to leave. that’s certainly not how i remember that. 

she went to bed, we made out for a while, i took my menstrual cup out and we fucked. and we slept just as we were. i don’t remember much, but i do remember him saying: “was it too fast?” and like a good girl, i said it didnt matter. that’s how he got his soft dick energy nickname as i retold that story on the day after.

oh, the day after. we slept at around 6, and he was out of the apartment as i was still sleeping. my friends and i wanted to go to the beach, but that part of the story doesn’t matter much for this tale. we talked. and talked.

on thursday, two days later, i was headed to my guy best friend’s house bringing my other best friend - #1 from the first story. he picked us up from her place - his place was closest to my guy best friends house, but he did it anyway. we sat, and we got high, and drunk. we made out whenever everybody wasn’t around. i had to teach him that people don’t smoke inside people’s homes without asking - and in the window. duh.  

he then left for a weekend away with his friends. it was the first time i missed him, and i spiraled into a weird depression mood from lack of attention. that’s how needy i was. am. 

from then on we didn’t see each other for two whole weeks. he traveled, then i traveled, and weekdays were never his thing. we still talked everyday, and kept up with each others lives. we shared stickers, and said we missed each other. just the weird 16 year-old romance i yearned for. 

we met again three weeks later. he really wanted to go to my girl best friend’s house, but she didn’t really want him there. we went for a beer on the beach - which turned into 6 really quick. by 10 pm, he forced his way into my girlfriends’ house, even though she didnt want him there. we made out a bit, and he left. i was so in love.

then the chat continued slower than before. carnaval went by, he didn’t want to join us for it. i moved, he didn’t want to come by. we seemed to chat, but it always revolved around him. he took up 3 weeks of my therapy sessions, but i kept chatting. it was good. it filled up my neediness - and my time. it was like a long distance relationship. weekends were lonely and kind of sad. my luck is that bracco was in rio, and i was getting to know noemi. they kept me busy. 

he moved into a new apartment. it was around his birthday. i think it 15 days that we didnt see each other, but it felt like a month. that day it was all SO clear to me. 

you invited me over to your place. i hadnt seen you in forever, but you said i shouldnt bring anything. i drank a beer on my way there, out of nervousness. i also brought you m&ms. your roommate was wearing a bra in the living room. she was nice, we drank beer, smoked, and chatted. it felt weird. and then, she came up with the whole depressed comment.

let me explain: we were talking about her sabbatical, she wanted to go away for a year once she was 27. i was sharing resources and a bit of my miami experience. she then said: “oh, miami. thats where you got depression”. as if depression was something you catch. as if i told her about it. as if you told her about it and she felt we had a relationship where she could just bring that up?! not sure. i was weirded out for the rest of the night. at some point, you brought me into your room and kissed me. i couldnt really get into it. you said: “we dont have to do anything”, but you kept kissing and groping me. it’s not like you backed off and said: “whats going on?”

so i caved, and we fucked. and it was mechanical. and short. and plain out boring. i left 20 minutes after, and you seemed to be happy i did. 

my brain was a mix of feelings. i was in love, but then everything about that night was so fucking weird. being with you felt weird. the next day, you were weird too... i tried calling, but you called me back right when it was bbb time. 

and i was talking to noemi in the balcony, and it was a whole thing about not being available for people who dont show themselves available. we didnt talk again until saturday, and i decided to cut you off for good. i unfollowed you on social, unfollowed myself from your page, deleted your number. it wasnt until wednesday that you realized and reached out. 

you were all: we havent talked to each other in a week, and im also to blame for that... and so i told you i was upset about more than one thing that happened on wednesday, you exposed me to your roommate and i felt invaded. so i decided to pull myself away from this relationship. you apologized, but took no responsability for the rest of non caring. and thats what i wanted. so i cut you off. 

it was two weeks, and two therapy sessions in which my therapist said i should have talked to you before cutting you off. and turning you off was good: i started focusing on shit that mattered to me. 

but then i rethought it all. and i said, maybe we should have a grown up conversation. so i followed you, and opened up the conversation again. you said you were happy - you never thought you’d hear from me again. 

but you did. and i told you i was open for talking, and for getting things back as they were. you said you were too, but then you disappeared for two other weeks. 

and i felt done. over it. truly with no intent to see it moving. conversation was off and on. until last week it took on again. and we chatted for two days before you suggested a visit to my place. i was okay with it, cause then again, quarantine neediness is always present. and - for the first time ever - you were here on friday. you brought wine and condensed milk.

we chatted for two hours and it was boring as fuck. i hoped my roomies would join us. they did. and so did our friends. we drank and smoked and talked until 2, once again. but you decided to stay over, they went home, and it was just the two of us. 

i wanted to sleep. everything felt so fucking awkward. i pretended to fall asleep while you cuddled me. so fucking odd. i just wanted to me alone and starfish my bed while hovering all my pillows. and then you noticed i wasn’t up for sex, or making out for that matter.

you asked: are you still upset over my roommate?

i said no. why would i be? we talked it over and it’s over. do you want to talk about this still?

you said no. but you still felt something wrong.

and i said, yes. something is wrong. sex has never been good with you. i need you to have something we call pegada.

and you made an excuse once or twice. but somehow we hooked up again and you had pegada.

we fucked, and it was good, for once. better than “huh, i guess i had sex”

i fell asleep, feeling it was so weird to have you here.

i woke up to my alarm, got ready, and you wouldnt budge. i said i had to go, and you said you wanted to sleep in. i said i would be back in an hour, and i went to work.

you texted at work. you used my computer and god knows what you digged up off it. 

and then i came back, we had breakfast, and you didnt want to leave. we cuddled and watched a show. you tried kissing me but position was all weird. yet, it was good having you around.

you had a whole 2 hour meeting in my bedroom, in my computer. shivers. the whole time i was telling my roommate: the affection is nice, but oh no, im done.

and after your meeting we fucked gooood good. you got a promotion on your soft dick title. and fuck, i fell into it as well.

you left right after, as if you knew you got me hooked again. and again, chatting daily, you dont feel there. but we made plans for saturday.

mafe, mafe. why again. this boy definetly doesnt want you the same way you want him. yet you;re still there, as available as ever... i thought writing this might give me clarity. nope. 

[thisisabouta]

This is About a... Nail in the Coffin.

Quarantine Day #44.

I quit my job yesterday. Well, technically I put in my two weeks notice but either way, I’m done. Nothing felt right there. The second I walked in to talk to my boss, I felt this huge wave of anxiety and things just started coming back to me... I’m genuinely surprised that he was upset and tearing up when I told him.

I know with the associates there will be... mixed reviews. And then after a very short while, it will be as if I was never there. Except when they get together and talk shit about all the former bosses they’ve had in that store. It may sound like a reach but I was a part of some of those conversations, so I know it happens. It does hurt knowing that some of the people there will always have a negative opinion of me. I also know it was highly unlikely that I was going to change those opinions.

It is sad in a way, to go out this “discreetly” but the alternative was worse. It’s just me now though. I still have a part time job thank God but that also won’t be fully up and running again until the quarantine is over. I’m fully relying on myself. I am literally banking on myself and that is insane. This transitional period though.... this shit is fucking awful.

When the whispers started about there being store closures due to a virus that was going around, I was worried about my health but my immediate thought was “I hope we close!” I was quietly waiting while loudly expressing my panic over dying from this shit (once I fully understood what it was). My panic lessened over time and we received our notice to close. I couldn’t wait to burrow myself in my room but so far, this shit has been fucking tragic. I like being alone (for the most part) but this is a lot of social distancing, even for me. And it’s not that I need to be in a store, around customers but it was nice to vent to my coworkers from time to time. At certain times of my retail career, my job was killing me while simultaneously saving me. It was my only purposeful creative outlet for a long time. It’s just unfortunate that that’s what I put ALL of my attention into.

Now I have to start over. Which is what I wanted but now my starting over involves being confined to a two bedroom apartment with my roommate. We’re not getting along, to say the least. As of right now, I’m not even sure if we’re still friends. I don’t know if we’ve actually been friends this whole time. Somethings always been off and like I do with most situations, I see the good in people and I run with it. The way our friendship started was not ideal in the slightest. If you have to hide that you’re spending time with someone, that’s a sign. We ignored all of them and here we are. I don’t even want to be in my own apartment.

In first few weeks of the quarantine, I lost around ten pounds and dropped back down to a size four without any exercising. My journey of not eating meat hasn’t been rough but there were no instant changes. Like with most diets, you have to wait for the result so I had that mindset but I’m also not sure what result I was actually looking for. Initially, I became Pescatarian because I was going off of my Lamotrigine and I was looking into more Hollistic ways to help myself. That is also why I started smoking weed. I can’t speak on how much it’s helped my mood but my whole body changed.

When I lost the weight though, it was happening at an almost abnormal pace. And then my appetite completely disappeared. I felt exactly how I did when I was in jail. I had half a slice of bread in a three day period. I was so stressed out [and what I believe to be disassociating] that food didn’t look like food to me. Smells weren’t registering. I could barely chew. Now that I’ve gone through it again, I can’t pinpoint what triggered it. I wasn’t stressed about the ban because my company was [is] still paying me and I don’t take that for granted but something was definitely wrong with me.

I started breaking out constantly and that is not normal for me. My period completely reset so it was two weeks late and that was terrifying. And then I got Sausage digit, which I hate typing because the word just feels gross. It was my pinky on my right hand. When I woke up that morning, I knew something was wrong with my hand immediately. My finger was just red and partially swollen at that point but it progressively got worse. It got to the point that I was seriously considering going to the doctor but they would’ve turned me away due to the overcrowding in hospitals right now. I basically came to the conclusion that it was either SD, Celiac disease or just a pinched nerve. There was also a slight possibility that I jammed it into a wall and sprained it. It’s happened before and the only reason I know is because of the damage that was left behind. But eventually I figured out it was SD.

It went away after a day and a half but it was painful and completely out of nowhere. It was hard to sleep that night though. There were articles about it potentially getting so bad that my finger would need to be amputated. I was way in my head on this one but the physical aspects were extremely scary. Along with only being able to eat when I’m high, the beginning of this was not a good time for me. I locked myself in my room for a week [five days] and things just got worse from there. My roommate didn’t know how to deal with it so I was inadvertently hurting someone while trying to heal myself. That’s a difficult thought for me to process. When we discussed it however, she was clear to let me know she didn’t need to know “for her” if I was okay, she just didn’t know how dark it could get”... Ok. Well thank you for being sure to let me know that you’re not “doing it for you”. That kinda sounds to me like you don’t care and if you don’t care, then why are we having this conversation.

I also had a “speed walking, back and forth while petting the cat, listening to music and crying” day and other unfortunate days in between. Now on Day #45, I have to navigate my way through the wreckage from a very heated argument between my roommate and myself. It was the fight that I knew was going to happen eventually but I wasn’t prepared for it. She brought up how I constantly judge her, I am part of the reason why she quit her job (when we worked together), she doesn’t like the music I listen to even though she’s pretended to enjoy it this entire time, she doesn’t like that I tell her when I have a bad feeling about someone she’s dating. She made it clear that she needs to “make her own mistakes” and my issue with that is her thinking someone is trying to stop her. I might pass you a friendly warning when you’ve been arrested once tor drinking and driving once I have three DUIs but maybe that’s on me. Maybe I need to mind my own business. But if that’s what I need to do, then don’t ask me for my opinion about anything ever again.

The argument that turned into a conversation was about four or five hours long and I can’t remember what started it exactly. I do know however that I’m the one who initiated it. I made an honest statement about something and it was the wrong move. Everything went downhill from there. I said almost everything I had been thinking in the past year or so. I told her there’s no mutual respect between us. I made her a part of my life and when she was bored with me, she went and hung out with other people instead. Fine. All of this worked around her new relationship so I wasn’t going to tell her not to hang out with her girlfriend. Do whatever the fuck you want but do not say shit to me about me not hanging out with you when you’ve ditched me numerous times.

We also talked about her work review. The horrible fucking review I gave her when she was my associate. It was honest and blunt and she cried over it in the office that day, twice. It’s one of the things we don’t talk about but I think I’m the one who brought it up. Again, I kept digging. She asked me what I’m getting out of the friendship and I don’t know if I had answer for that. She did when I asked her but she kept coming back to the fact that “I see something in her that no one else sees”. I don’t know how much weight that holds when I upset you more than I motivate you. It’s something to her. It might be nothing to me.

We talked about how we avoid each other, we don’t help each other when we’re sick, she’s one way with me and different with everyone else, how Im tired of constantly being the one to push things forward... all of the shit I told myself was going to come out eventually. Why should I have to deal with this shit at home? It’s like I literally can’t escape my problems. Mix that with a two month long quarantine and it’s fucking awful. Right now, I’m trying to decide if I want to talk this out today or just leave it alone. A part of me is hoping that she forgot most of it. Who the fuck knows.

[princessofthelights-blog]

Sting x reader. Fairy Tail

~Your POV~

UGH how did I get into this mess of having my body swapped with Stings? Oh right CAUSE HE'S AN IDIOT! Let me explain me and Sting went on a mission together and this idiot decided to read some paper and next thing I know im in his body. This isn't how I wanted my day to go. I just wanted to go to the guild, see my boyfriend and maybe go on a mission.

But nooooo Sting just had to read a stupid paper that switched our bodies. "(Y/N) WHAT THE HELL DO WE DO?" Sting asked freaking out "Jeez I dont know Sting your the one that got us into this mess YOU GET US OUT OF IT" "(Y/N), Sting calm down me and Yukino are working on getting this fixed, also Sting why are you on the floor?" Rogue to the rescue I guess.

"Yeah Rogue thats partially my fault I have pretty big boobs and they hurt my back like crazy." I told him feeling embarrassed. "That sounds so weird coming out of Stings mouth." I heard Lector say.

"(Y/N) I'm sorry for all the pain you go through as a girl, ill never make fun of your boobs or back pain ever again." Wow Lectors right that does sound weird coming out of my mouth. "Just Rogue, Yukino how long until you can fix this?" I asked worried, my sister Lucy went through the same thing a few years ago and she almost got stuck in Grays body.

"Almost done (N/N) just wait a little longer, also Sting the pain your in better make you respect your girlfriend more." Yukino looked like she was enjoying Sting being in pain. "Dont worry Yukino after this ill stop treating her like a princess and treat her like a queen also MY STOMACH IS HURTING AND I FEEL LIKE CRYING AND I DONT KNOW WHY." Sting ended up screaming. Me and Yukino exchanged looks and snickered at his pain. "Thats period pain Sting." Me and Yukino ended up saying at the same time.

"Oh God you go through this every month?" "Depends am I always moody, emotional and horny for one week every month? YES I GO THROUGH THIS EVERY MONTH YOU IDIOT." oh I'm so going to make him sleep in the living room for the next week, maybe a month. "Sting shut up, your the one that got (Y/N) into this mess you have no right to complain." I heard Rogue say scolding my idiot of a boyfriend. "Also may I remind you that Lucy and the rest of team Natsu threatened to hurt you if you were ever an idiot and did something to hurt me, upset me or put me in danger." I reminded Sting just to scare him a little. Honestly that's one of the best memories I have from when I was still a member of Fairy Tail.

"Yukino please switch us back before I have to deal with Natsu and the others I do not want to get beat up especially from an angry Lucy, shes able to scare Natsu and Gray with one of those Lucy Kicks, if she can scare them then imagine what she'll do to me." Oh Sting you cute idiot you dont have to worry about my sister cause you'll have to deal with a (Y/N) Kick once I'm back in my own body. Wow I really am like Lucy, no wonder Natsu is scared of me. "Yukino I have found the spell that will reverse the switch." Rufus said as he walked into the guild "Rufus you're the best you know that." I told him finally I can be back in my own body sooner rather then later. "It will take a few minutes but soon you two will be back in your own bodies." I can't wait once I'm back in my own body Sting will be going through Hell for putting me through this. "Your going to make me sleep on the couch for the next 2 weeks arnt you?" I heard Sting ask me "2 weeks, 2 months whenever I stop being mad really." Might as well torture him for a little while since he never ever listens to me. "Ok are you guys ready me and Rufus are about to perform the spell." I heard Yukino say as her and Rufus held a big spell book and started chanting.

I dont exactly remember what happened next but I blacked out and when I woke up I was on the floor in pain. I quickly got up and hugged Yukino and Rufus. "You guys are the best wizards in the guild!" I exclaimed. "Hey I heard that." Great not Sting is jealous "Sting, babe I love you but you currently hold the title of dumbest in the guild." I say looking him straight in the eye, big mistake. Next thing I know he picks me up bridal and style and carries me out the guild "I know what to expect from you this week so I figured I would torture you a little." "Sting what the Hell are you planning?" He looks at me and smirks. Oh great he's smirking I dont like this. "Well you see (Y/N) I figured its time to treat you like a Queen instead of a Princess." Now this I like. "Well I'm not complaining just, just know I will want lots of cuddles all week." "Cuddles is something I can do." Well this is perfect I get a whole week of cuddles and sting being my personal slave. I should get mad at him more.

[transtrendhumanity]

a week feels like a very short period of time but we do want to do weekly system check-ins, so let’s do one now. on time for once.

callon is fronting, as has been the usual lately. for a while we thought cilla would become longterm core, but i guess that was just a stress front. overall we’re doing very well right now, but we’re spending a lot of time at work etc acting as a singlet, so it’s been slightly difficult to keep track of everyone. i think that documenting front shifts on our recovery twitter has been helping.

aren arrived this week. or like, stepped out of the shadows, more accurately. he’s been ghosting around for months. he’s dueling venic in the back room of the main house now. i think vaccine won the chess match, so by all means it should be them playing the next game, but they left to set up their own office in azdien’s basement.

vex is still brainstorming about scrapbooking. jace has moved on to contemplating knitting projects. i wonder if we still have our smuppet crochet pattern memorized...

moving into the main room, perien is on the couch with amelia and floret now. i feel really bad for skipping over kyr in our last roll call. we’re commissioning a short fic for kyr, so kye’s a bit emotional about that. amelia still seems very tired, but i think sea’s slowly recovering. we’ll probably have to discuss system roles again soon.

gabbi is bringing over dessert squares and tea for them. floret encourages nir to borrow ethan’s chair and sit with them. cilla and echo are curled up together. echo is sleeping, and cilla is keeping an eye on the nearby conversation.

i think nitexx headed to the treehouse to talk to kayden. upstairs, remm’s room still seems to be in sleep mode. haze is sleeping as well, and seems restful. im knocking at riley’s door.

nessie answers but tells me to hush. i guess riley is sleeping? si’s been somewhat active wrt searching tumblr for other kin though.

raliel doesn’t seem to be around.

heading outside and looking down at the shoreline, rayn is very quiet. maybe it’s asleep a- oh nope, it woke up, it’s excited to see gh0st again soon.

there’s noise coming from the treehouse. the ladder is down, so i climb up. questioning what “i” look like, i start wondering if elster is cofronting with me.

nitexx has somehow converted the tv stand into a makeshift stage. zir and kayden are standing on top of it, singing along to some of kayden’s favorite music. it’s really nice to see zir up and about again, even if it doesn’t feel like ze’s particularly able to front lately, even now. i thought ze had been coming to talk to kayden about his robot life, but i guess they got distracted.

kitt, surprisingly, has shifted back into is human form to heckle them about having shit taste in music. they are completely unphased, it seems to add to the mood if anything. kei is leaning against the back wall fiddling with their knife, but they seem pretty amused. vite is really into it. nero seems less so. tobias has come to check it out, and is standing with nero towards the back of the room. i think nika is on sier way as well. i ask after jody, but i think they’re asleep.

by the time i leave the treehouse, nika is singing a ballad. ethan looks on curiously. trysten is coming up the hatch to watch, but i’m not sure sie intends on participating much.

i head to the mansion. azdien is clearly awake for once, sorting the books in vaer reading room. drohen is helping vaer out. darion let himself out of the room to smoke, but he’s just in the front hall, instead of actually being outside. for shame. no one seems to really mind, though.

asking after kisoquine, i get the sense that xe’s in a place that actually suits xyr, but i have no idea where in headspace that actually is. it’s not in any of the known levels of azdien’s mansion, but it might be in a secret second basement? i get the impression that the entrance is more of a portal than a door. drohen might have helped.

yeah i think it’s like, under the mansion, significantly.

vyrn is in there, too.

phasing up through the floor to the actual basement feels weirdly slimy. vaccine’s study looks very proper.

upstairs, i catch sight of someone in the kitchen. to my surprise, jody is making kraft dinner. they sheepishly say that it’s a midnight snack, despite it being lunch time. it actually does seem to be slightly dark outside though. maybe an 8pm feeling. i guess time passes differently in headspace.

asking after micah, i catch them slithering past my feet towards the front door. i guess they’re interested in the treehouse karaoke party as well, although i suppose they’ll just be watching if they’re unable/unwilling to change back into a human form.

oh i forgot to mention yacinthe. i did get the impression of someone else like actively enjoying the party along with vite, but i couldn’t recognize cer at the time. my apologies.

since elster is cofronting with callon in taking survey of everyone, ze’s not in the library, but their section of it looks as luscious as ever.

we trek to corian’s cabin. corian offers us tea, and makes a backhanded comment about the noise from the treehouse. i think they’re just upset that nika left them alone with nine, who is sleeping. tyto comes upstairs shortly after we enter, apparently intending to console corian before they decide to start oozing slime. eir eyes are still a bit red-edged, but ey seems calm.

kestrel and ailecent aren’t in the basement. they’re actually out on the roof today. kestrel’s wings stretch majestically behind aer. ailecent is also looking majestic and notably non-human. ae seems to really have kinned deep-eyes white dragon, but like, a bird form of it. ae has five wings sprouting from a large halo. and ae has more eyes than fit on aer head, blinking in and out of holographic existence around aer head. ae seems angelic in a very biblical sense, and is, just slightly more than usual, radiating white light. i feel like i can sense xykiel nearby, but cae’s still no more than a glimmer of light, so it’s hard to tell.

skye is in faer less tangible form as well. faer northern lights illuminate the slowly darkening sky. rayn waves up at faer, and fae leans down to kiss its forehead, light dancing across its spots.

i ask after raliel. wav turns out to be out on the cliffs again, watching skye’s light show with a sense of serenity, and maybe a tinge of homesickness.

aloe is hiding inside. ae had a sort of intense experience just after aren showed up, blogging cleancore for an hour while the rest of us tried very hard to let aer front without letting aer connect to our physical setting. we didn’t entirely succeed, but we kept aer from outright having a panic attack. ae is in a glass box on skye’s counter, which we know instinctively is sterilized both chemically and magically. we don’t do more than stick our head into the cabin before leaving again.

gail is prowling nearby. it seems disapproving, but unlikely to act on it.

our connection to ooze ocean is very limited right now, but not in a bad way. void simply doesn’t think we need voids presence, and void is uninterested in the party happening in headspace.

we head back to azdien’s mansion to investigate the new rooms.

[zykjhrzqkn1h4m3xyine]

8/02/2019

So I woke up at like 6:40. My skin has been really bad lately. I might need to eat the medicine again. It's been really dry and rough, it used to be so soft. My lips are also really dry. Im really upset about this. I think on Monday I was having a panic attack, but I didn't get the tingles. Crap I forgot to bring my laptop, I was supposed to bring my laptop today, god damn it. I'm so disorganised. I should've written that down. Crap I also forgot to join all my classes, why am I remembering all this now? Do you think that this was Ameera's plan all along? To make me leave the group so she could have Gabby to herself? Ameera would do that. I also forgot to bring my sport uniform.

I just came back from the therapist. A few things, she told me to contribute more to the household, and for me to sleep earlier. I wish I got to talk more about how much I crave validation. But I feel like if I told her about that, she would just tell me basically "that's not good, stop doing that." It doesn't actually change my thinking patterns. I don't know, it's not like I'm mentally ill or anything so I don't think I need therapy. My mom definitely needs it more. Like her telling me that I don't have depression, I know I should be happy, but I feel like such a fool for believing that I did, and now I still feel I do, even though I don't. Even the school counsellor told me that she though I didn't. I need to see her in a week's time. Anyway, yeah I just don't feel validated, and I just feel dumb for thinking that I did. And if I told my therapist that, she would just tell me "Thats not good." When I was taking to mac on the day that I was crying about my mum he said "That’s a lot, lot worse then I thought. I do agree that she does need therapy - more then you? I wouldn’t know but possibly. She may of had a bad yes, but all though it doesn’t excuse her actions. Yes I know she has mental illness I understand she may not be able to control it. And she has got extreme, extreme, extreme expectations for you, I don’t know how you can do it all. And very few shops hire 13 years olds (I’m attacking you). I honestly feel so bad for you, not just you but you may make you think I’m on your Mums side but I feel bad for her as well and your dad being in all this. It’s all a tough situation. And the thing about the life skills, it’s not your fault you don’t know and do things you don’t know and don’t need to know. At least you tried to change the topic, s,art although didn’t work. O can’t express how bad I feel for you three, and you of course. Just so you know you are nit useless! You are a truly nice person and knows a lot and puts a lot of hard work in. At least your dad tried to help both you. I really hope she doesn’t *do it* (suicide).

If I was more your mum I’d be proud, you’ve done a lot. And you study a lot which is very goood! Sorry for me taking a while and I may have missed some stuff."

While everything else was just kind of iffy, the first sentence where he said "that's a lot lot worse than I expected, that really satisfied me and made me feel better. But if I say that I'm stupid and someone validates me and agrees, I feel dumb, it's probably because in those situations what I want people to say is "you're not dumb." But that was happened where I want people to deny it, and when they do, I still don't feel satisfied. Anyway it's the weekend so I don't know what to do.

Let's talk about my school counseling experience. This happened in period 1, I was called out in visual design, and I basically talked about what I talked to my therapist today, about my panic attacks and life at home. I'm actually glad that the counseling asked so I could tell her about what happened at home. Yeah she was really nice to talk to. Much more comfortable than my therapist. I don't know if it was because of the environment or she seemed more empathetic, but she seemed nicer. She advised me to talk to my therapist about the panic attacks.

Maybe the reason I like being told how bad my situation is, is simply because I want to be the victim. Maybe it's because I take things too personally.

My mom called

[matthew-eleventhirty]

so i finally told my dad we broke up. its been like three weeks since we last talked and it will probably be another week until we get to talk. i hate that you havent called. i hate that this happened. i still want to do well on my finals. i want to tell you i did well in my classes. i want you to know that as much as this fucking sucked i can handle whatever you throw at me. i asked a few people what i should do when and if you call. should i meet you half way? should i tell you to come to my house? should i go to your house. theres really no private place to talk besides one of our cars or your bedroom. and even your bedroom is risky because if one of your family members see me i dont know what id do, and if you say one sweet thing to me im gonna cave and take you back right away. we need to start over. do you think youd want to start over? im sorry for everything i said if it pushed you too far over the edge, i just felt left out of our own relationship, do you know how that feels? when people ask how you are and i dont even know that answer? it doesnt feel well. you were in my dream last night, i think i posted about that earlier. it was nice to have you by my side, it felt warm. i woke up upset though. i miss you a lot. i want to enjoy myself and i have but it wasnt as fun without telling you how it was or even having the chance to invite you out. i told nicole about us, her face dropped when i told her it was almost two years. this month has been the worst. i want to get you something for christmas, but what would you even want? i cant get you a dog. you have a chain now. i havent heard you say something that you wanted in so long. plus if i got you something for christmas, would it even be worth it? maybe i shouldnt. i dont want you to feel obligated to do something you dont want to. i woudlnt really put up a fight if you asked me to come over. i might bitch a little to see if youd actually make the drive over to me, but i wanna see the house i love the way your mom decorates. i also really want to be in bed next to you more than anything in the entire world. i want you to want to be with me, but in a few days well find out! hopefully youll call wednesday night, but i know its not like you to. hopefully thursday you will call. then i know you really miss me. but if i have to call you, im gonna be a little hurt. i mean if you call, already were off to a much better start. i want to call you right now, but youre probably asleep since you have work tomorrow and like things are hectic with school. i really want you to call i hope you know that i really really really want you to call. i want to work with you on this, i want to know youre getting better but with each day that passes and you not making any effort, i just think that you dont care about me anymore. is that selfish? you said you were doing this for yourself and i should respect that and i know i push but it was only to better us. it was only to make sure that you were okay and we were okay and i just started feeling like we werent okay. unfortunately i was right. we werent. im starting to think im only right about the bad stuff. i think well work things out thought. i mean we both love each other an incredible amount, the only questions that stand are if you want us to work things out and if you still love me. i mean i still love you so much i cant stop i say it to my family my friends people i never met, im not scared to tell people that i love you. im just scared of what they say. hows your family? hows your mom? i hope you got her the best christmas gift ever, that woman is an angel. are you getting a puppy for sure? i guess well find out. god youre so cute. i just hate that i felt underappreciated. i hate that you pushed me way off to the side. i understand a little every once in a while, theres no need for me to know everything 100% or be with you ever chance you have a day to yourself, but i wanted you to come back and it was starting to feel like you werent there ever. i mean ever. i have so much to tell you, i have so much to ask you, its gotten to the point that i get mad when people smell like you. like what the fuck? i got my period three days before i was supposed to. maybe that was a good thing because now i wont be so emotional when i see you. i keep getting extreme anxiety attacks where all i want to do is run away and escape all responsibilities but at the same time these responsibilities are the only thing keeping me from thinking of you, and not thinking of you relieves my spliting headache or me not being able to eat. am i doing better? i mean physically yea, i feel better but its like im working from the outside in. like i pretending to be okay and strong for so long that im starting to believe that im okay and im strong enough to get through this. or maybe its all the praying ive been doing. nothing crazy and not my usual prayer, but asking for the strength to get through the next week and the courage to hear your answer. maybe its these posts that are allowing me to say what i usually cant make into words or even tell people without them jumping in or telling me to move on or telling me they dont know the answers. i just want to be on speaking terms with you. i also want to know if you changed my contact. and if so what did you change it to? that would also give me some indication to how you felt during the month. i thought that id just ask for your phone and call. you might not see it coming but i want to know. i dont want to look through it, just see what pops up. you probably just changed the emojis. i coud see you doing that, but still. you thought of me as your wife. i thought of you as my husband. i still want you to be my husband. i still think about you like alllll the time, even taking exams or going out. i think were still in a relationship but like not really? i mean i danced with a guy let a few guys buy me drinks, got two guys numbers and saw a guy i knew in school who we used to play flirt with each other. it all felt wrong though. maybe too soon, but every time someone went to talk to me, i wished it was you or i wished i couldve said that i was in a relationship and talked your ear off about how im so proud you found a major that youre happy with and you see yourself doing. i just want you to be happy, of course i want me to be what makes you happy too, but if i dont i want you to be happy first. also theres been this bug flying around my room, i could really use your help.

[somedaypast-thesunset]

I'm giving it 30 days. Well maybe a bit more, but give or take 30 days. By the end of September I will take control of my life and I will be better equipped than three months ago. I'm not right now. I know mentally I'm not ready to not be fucked up by this because I don't have all the tools right now and I have to make a weirdly selfish decision to maintain this moderately unhealthy routine while I work diligently to be a better person. I'm not even ready to talk about it with others. I'm not out there like hey guys doing some self improvement reading this doing that because tomorrow it could stop and I could wake up in a shit attitude and want to die. And I'm not secure enough to compromise my character anymore like I don't want to be him basically because they talk so much and do nothing to improve themselves. I want to be better than that. I want to present a whole picture because no-one can complete it but me through active self improvement so I currently don't need anyone's opinion on these decisions I'm securely making for myself as I develop my adult person.

I'm not 3ven focused on being a "good" person. I just want to be someone I can live with. To be something that doesn't give me anxiety. Security of what I know and what I'm capable of.

Today we fought and he brought it to the cycle and I'm not sure exactly how I want to react so I am reacting very little but really want to focus on knowing my securities of my knowledge and what I want not just from this relationship (I told him it wasn't one but he's the one now saying it is) but from the people I fucking interact with. He refused to read my letters because he's "sad" but would not elaborate. I assume it's like he wrote her similar letters or maybe it's guilt that he's somehow leading me on. I am pumped full of hormones so I couldn't help but be sad that he was too sad to read something I wrote out of love where I describe his great attributes and the things he's been for me. I let it past. I was annoyed by another friend and expressed my related annoyance at their brattiness and not having alot of gratitude. He decided this was wrong and they could complain how they wanted. And you know, I'm not sure if it's right or wrong but I don't want to be around someone who doesn't "get it" because it's like a basic ass philosophical morality that all fucking religions have in common - be grateful. Know what you have and when you can complain. I hate the crackheads but I'm more concerned with my internal than my external because as I work on my internal I have more control over my external even in a shitty environment that could easily be soooooooooooooooooooo much worse.

He belittled the point to I could do better by getting a job so the other person can complain because Im not doing all I could be doing. I, however, have zero space to complain. Ever. It is seemingly never appropriate.

I was more offended that he judged everything down to having a job. Like I'm never doing better unless I've gotten a job. My hardships are all caused by me and I'm not doing enough. Yet for six weeks I've been dedicated as he jacks off and complains about how his mom treats him while he jacks off for free in her home as a 28 year old man. When I offered the idea that he might be privileged he immediately degraded the convo again that now he wasn't allowed to complain despite weeks of me listening to his complaints and hearing utterly repulsive nonsense from him. I've gone above and beyond for this person. I have probably given him the most outside of my father and my father wins by length of time because wow. I can't even repeat his shit because why am I listening to it? I am playing with something very dangerous and like longer than September I've accepted it but if I stop it'll be morally okay.

I told him it was upsetting because we don't talk enough about my improvements to make a sweeping generalization that I wasn't doing better because I didn't have a job. He attempted to say we all could do better and that he was lazy and that's why he is the way he is and all of his problems come down to physical fitness. I was now hurt that I was realizing nothing was changing. He was doing the same routine he had been for two years. He repeated he wasn't going to give me what I wanted and that he's already tried to break up with me before. He had clearly complicated and taken my original complaint personal because he's ungrateful and displays it all the time and feels self conscious about the judgement. I was now side swiped - I hadn't done anything but complain about someone else. I told him he was not a safe space to make those complaints so I won't do it again. I am still valid, by his own fucking argument, to complain. Period. I'll just control the space in which I do it because other people choose to take things personally because it's probably fucking true. My father did this alot. He offended people for being super super truthful but also humorous which makes up an asshole. And I don't want to be the asshole my father was but I still accept the attitude because he wasn't wrong. He told the truth. Even about himself.

He decided to end the conversation on his own accord as he usually does because "I never wanted this I told you I'm unhealthy". Even though four hours ago he's asking for nudes.

I called back and told him this wasn't fair. He asked to call me back in a few minutes and an hour later I got a text saying he's stuck having this big long convo because of his opinion that he has to whisper and never express and he's stuck in this and can't leave because ill publically shame him and he doesn't want that so he's just going to bed.

I was like wtf thanks. First of all obviously it's over since youre inferring I've trapped you by psychological force and there's no fucking real feeling there.

Secondly, he has gbs of porn of me. He could easily shame me just to get himself off for fucking fun not even to be inherently evil and that's literally as likely as me doing something to him. Like in our nature? Yeah it is. Would we do it? Unlikely but given the right circumstances possibly. So like we don't need to see eye to eye on this (we wont) but don't degrade it to a fucking abuse shame war.

Also, the I did not say it, this is manipulation by saying this he's putting it on me so if it happens he can justify all the feelings about ppl being against him so even if I've won, he's still won. Nothing changes.

But I've chosen to be offended that he's assumed this of me to a point that he's using it as an excuse. That's pretty flimsy and bullshit - if you want to leave, just leave.

Finally I reminded him that had he read my fucking love letters, maybe he would've felt differently.

Ironically I woke up with the intention to look up properties in pei. I thought maybe I'll invest just a bit more into this since he seems receptive but maybe fate made this happen to remind me to start nothing. Literally sleeping is time better invested.

I believe right now he will complete his cycle and realize he's shitty and probably come back around with a convoluted lecture and I'll let him. If he chooses not to then it's okay because he made the decision for me and I'll be even more free to recover as I will. But I think he will because my points were valid. He told me that people don't care and I think he should listen to himself because frankly I don't care about every fucking thought that passes in his brain. I don't. Some of his thoughts conflict with my thoughts and instead of arguing I just allow him the fucking space. Get a journal. That's all I can say. You want space? Get a fucking journal. No one cares. And if anyone says they're interested it's because it's a fucking trainwreck like no one wants this around them in reality. It's just interesting to watch unfold.

And I'm the last fucking one watching. I'm the last one encouraging him. The last one supporting and dedicated to him. I am building my support system in a healthy way for the first time and he's the last person I'd go to for support unless I need money.

I understand he's sick and I'm giving him space to figure himself out and honestly if he figured out I'm not supposed to be around and told me this in a mature, non random manner I would just go. I'd have closure. There's never been closure during these times. It's always open ended and when it's over "I never broke up with you".

I laid heavily on wanting to be able to share what I learned but not be influenced by his negativity. He said he would try but he knew it wouldn't work. And this was acceptable for him. Which I found outstandingly hypocritical. If nothing else it finally challenged the lingering beliefs that the things he told me so many times was never something that counted for him.

When I got off the phone I immediately said out loud, "I hate him" and hours later I honestly still kind of do. He's such a shitty person in his current iteration. I know he's been better and can be better and I don't want to be another dumb ass chick like oh you know I just want to help him because I've been that chick and I'm no longer forcing my help. I don't want to help him but I will if he needs it or when I identify times it calls for it. I'm not going to explain to him any further why this is upsetting because he will hang himself by continuing it and I will be away from him.

I will not let this go though and I will save that single message because he implies I have information to shame him in public with. If he finishes his cycle, I will continue to mention that he doesn't love me he just fears me. He's tarnished the relationship himself.

At first I was upset that I had sent letters and made a gift and sent him videos but then I wasn't because I'm a great girlfriend and even though I was and am vulnerable, it still makes me a great girlfriend. Whether he knows that or not is his own choice because the next man I love will be grateful as fuck for the love I give him and I will not be second best to someone else.

I know.

Why am I still willing to do this if I know it could be better elsewhere? I love him, I want him to be mentally well and hopefully have a life with him. Im upset his depression hurt me today. I didn't deserve it. And if the depression chooses to destroy our relationship, then fine. I'm tired of being hurt by it. I have my own shit to deal with.

Just in this very moment because I've decided 30 days I have to let things play out without my influence. I need to put my very best foot forward and present myself in a way I can be proud of. No "instant gratification" messages. I was within my right to respond to his very negative message though I would've like to not have. Because I also had that right. That is something to work on. But I did and my response was collected and reflected his own obnoxious beliefs. I stand behind my letters. I literally wrote on paper I want to spend my life with you it's like damn near a proposal. I had the confidence and commitment to do that. I didn't do that with anyone else. It was like defaulted into my first relationship like well this is what we do I guess just this forever. I mean eventually I wanted to because you're with them so long it's apart of you but I didn't proclaim this love. I have the capacity to do so. It wasn't even wasted on him because it's a love letter to myself. Like hey, look what you can give. I would be too scared to share that because I didn't want to be judged or maybe left or something but I did it and I was just like yes, I feel good. And if we aren't together it wasn't lies because this is how I felt at the time. I wanted to but we didn't.

Unfortunately this took up my whole evening. But it's been awhile since this has happened and I know the hormones definitely affected me so I think I'm more emotionally obsessive over it for that but I'm not distraught at all. It's very very important to break the cycle for myself. I participated in it by focusing on it for too many hours but my focus was healthy I think like it wasn't a breakdown of why I think he feels this way but how I feel about it and what I can do about it and how I can learn from it. I want to break it though and tomorrow will be important because I will not contact him. It's unlikely he will contact me anyways but I don't want to initiate it. I said nothing bad and placed the responsibility of breaking up back on him. He will hopefully wake up to my texts and sit on them but we've been in constant contact daily so he will feel the loss.

One month. I can do this. By fall I will have the things I want or I will be free from the binds that hold me from it.

I have the thought of still looking for properties. I'm more scared of this than the letters. I don't want to know what I'm missing. I don't want another failed life plan. It could backfire if I show them to him - he could feel pressured. At the same time I want to show him I'm serious. I want to set an example and maybe get him excited because this is stupid. And I feel like its smarter to start a plan so I don't wait a month and decide yeah let's do it when this could be the thing. I want to walk away saying like I wanted to do this and this I gave him this but he was too lazy to work towards it.

Of course you know what about this fight? That im trapping him? Im hurt but if I was serious about this is it more important than our potential future? It's not. His tantrum is not because I believe better things can come.

[pinchofseasoning]

january 14

You made sure I had as much rest as possible. I wasn't sure why you were still in bed with me, but I figured you were very hungover.You told me that you cheated on me in 2015. At first words I thought you were joking. But it got real very fast. We spent the day apart. I haven't eaten today. Just a couple slices of peaches mum brought. Today I felt.. Like I missed you, not being with you. It's different.I hate you. For what you've done. It's disgusting. I've lost trust in you. I question everything from past to present to future. I think of ways to make sure it will never happen again. I think of why I love you, what I admire in you, and what future we might have. I question if it's better if we just break up, questioning the likelihood of it happening again.I want to punch you. I want you hurt.I have to drink to sleep. I called you before I did. You felt excited and  scared when I called. Very scared.

15th

I woke up dry mouthed from the drinks last night and couldn't sleep. So I called you knowing you had left your phone on loud next to your head purposely. I also told you that you could come home to stay over for the night. I cried and you cried, I was still in shock and felt sadness. I felt disappointed and confused asking Why a lot. Why me, why did you do it, why did you do it to us.. I considered not being with you and what that would mean. I considered trying to be with you and what that would mean. Every thought turned into an upset stomach or tears. At night I felt sexual tension with you. You were very tired. I wanted to have sex with you but felt so angry at the same time. I wanted to be dominant and show you that I'm on control and I didn't want this cheating to taint my feelings on sex with you. Like ripping off a Bandaid, this awkward feeling had to pass. So while you were about to sleep, I got a condom prepared. Then it made me wonder if you had sex unprotected. And that was a disappointing yes. I sternly said you had to get checked. If it came positive, things would change dramatically and would not be good news at all.

16th

I had the day off. I thought it was going to be a bad day. I felt depressed. We went to the desk and got checked for STD and HIV +. You almost gave up when you were trying to get your medicare reissued, and I took the car to chemist warehouse. You offered to take me to the beach, whatever would make me feel better. And we did. And it was nice. But a little bitter-sweet. Like it could be the last of everything. I admitted to you that the sex was great last night. You suggested we head to cottesloe from Mosman and the water was incredible. I took a sleeping pill and didn't feel drowsy for a while. We had sex in the middle of the night and was so tired and done. You didn't cum. You asked if I was done with you and I said yes.

17th

We had BBQ at Rose after my work and it was difficult with your mum being so proud and your family being so loving and inclusive. This was hard for both of us. We knew it wasn't going to be easy doing this family thing. I was still upset at you with the Whys, and how come. Still not sure how this will all play out and where I should focus my energy.

18th

You were working as I was working today. When you picked me up from work, it was weird because it felt so normal.. When I knew we weren't. I told you when we were in bed that I felt.. Not uneasy, not uncomfortable... But just a little Off feeling like everything we were doing seemed normal or familiar.. But that we really weren't. I got my period today.

19th

I took the day off work. I didn't feel any particular emotion or have any thoughts. I felt like I just existed. You went to work early and I had time to do work training, listened to The Smiths, met up with hashem and Sarah over coffee. When you finished work you came home and we went to the drs to get our results. I wasn't anxious about anything until I was in the drs office regarding a mental health check. When we went back home I realised I couldn't stay with my mum at home, I needed some Zen time to myself.I didn't have much time to myself, of course I didn't. But while the kids were asleep and we were waiting for the parents to come home, we spoke a little. You reminded me I'm stronger than I give myself credit for.I said maybe I could have a few days away from you to maybe help with my thinking. In bed I said I didn't really feel affectionate brushing you off and avoiding your kisses.

20th

I woke up feeling a little lost and unsure. I think a few days away from you will help clear my mind. I went to work today, Im not particularly in a high or low mood. I need to think of what I want in my future. Do I still see you in it? Will you hinder my future plans? My main focus is career. Otherwise I don't think there's any hindering.You picked me up from work drinks even though you were tired. I let you hold my hand in the car. You said you would be proud to pick me up whatever time. At home I gave you a kiss on the lips. I was tired and have three drinks so I slept fine.

21st

You said you think I just want you sad. Everything we are happy I don't want to be happy, you thought. I tried to explain it wasn't like that. Long picked me up to go to the beach. The water was so beautiful. I had lunch with long and I had a chicken, and a burger spring roll. The flavours were so strong, I couldn't tell if it was salty or if I was sensitive to flavours right now. You were saying you were really sorry for not having the photos I took and you had sent to you. I was annoyed.. Because I have said a few times that sending on whatsapp was small sizes and wasn't good enough. And I've said before to let me store your photos, as it's clear you've on a couple occasions lost your digital photos.  I went home to do laundry and draw. I tried to call you but missed you. I don't remember why I called.. I guess I missed you. You called back sorry you missed me, and I said I'll talk later. I've been listening to some music that made me want to shout, and songs that made me be annoyed at you.

22nd

I feel angry today. I don't know why. I'm still angry and upset. Deep rooted it's because you cheated on me. I'm trying to move on, and as I do Im imagining moving on without you. Listening to music helps, it helps me escape.

27th

I guess it's been okay lately, being normal or seemingly so. I got upset at you because all I ask was for you to hold a container of food in your car for me. But all you cared was not having food laying in your car all day while you run. You gave in and said you'd do it if it meant that much to me. During lunch I said I felt sad or angry, just an underlying feeling lately.. And I wanted to go to the park and just lay there talking about serious stuff or just being silent. You told me that you thought I was purposely not wanting you happy, and that made me mad. I'm already mad at what you've done, and you think that I want you upset. The thing is, I don't think it's fair I go through this by myself. I don't want to hurt by myself.

[oceansandroses]

Feels

Its been while since I last wrote here. Today I woke up dreaming abt Vind, just seeing and acknowledging his presence. There was a part about my mom, leaving home but yet becoming my brother and my tutor which indirectly was somewhat a good change for all 3 of us. 

The morning started off on a tiring, stressful and slightly fearful note. 

I went on to do my essay before thankfully checking my fb notifications to find out about today’s social by the gardens. Made my way down despite getting slightly lost and missing my bus but all that negativeness didnt really bring me down since I was pretty excited about dancing again. My day was officially made when my first dance went to the bachata instructor which taught me quite a bit. I tried kizomba with him and Patrick too which I was very delighted to see. He remembered and recognized me too. Boyan (the french guy) was there too as well as Sofia who came later on. Oh and I danced with Liu Tong (the really nice PRC guy). 

The vibes of the garden and platform we danced at was amazing. The weather was perfect (felt like i was dancing in AC) just that it was kinda sad that people were all leaving, I was one of them which people asked about too. I didnt really know much people but I had a really good time dancing there. Did a session of Rueda too with all the commands although I barely know any of the words, just a few. Thank god of guys remembering what to do and I just have to follow. Girls dont get too complicated steps anyways. 

My day was slightly ruined by getting pretty lost again, the GPS refused to work with me, it refused to budge in any way so I had to depend on asking people. Thank god the garden was somewhere near town so I managed to get to town and wait for 20 min for th bus back to ryd. Sigh all that time could be spent dancing abt 5 more dances.

Got back by 9 20 then by the time dinner and all was made, it was 10. Did laundry, my essay and suddenly im just caught in this mix of feelings again. It feels as though alot has happened since the past few days. I went out for the first time on a weekend, attended a house party, obviously met a few drunks, a couple of Sweds and got myself into pretty annoying trouble with some guy, joao kissing me on my cheek and forehead. I told hj abt it and she was like he fucked up and she also said the forehead was an intimate spot. And that made me feel really bad about things. Me being me, told robz about it the next day. I dont hide things but I was just so afraid I would lose him. 

I got kissed in a club on my cheek by Casey, a ex SJI/TK tracker that I used to train with back in my sec sch days. Vind raged at me for that and things between us nvr turned for the better after that incident. It scarred him and he nvr had faith in me, and that was possibly the reason why things between us ended so badly. I felt pretty damaged after that incident, telling the truth didnt do me any good and I had to constantly deal with him doubting me and saying the meanest things to me bcos of his lack of faith in me, and it hurt. 

I was so worried and upset it might happen with Robz. Maybe something in me was really wrong, why could guys get away and do what they wanted and I just didnt dare to stand up or I didnt know how to react. I was scared. I dont know of what but th fear, the anxiety and the unhappiness was all there. Vind’s words would often come in at this time, slut shaming, saying bcos I was asking for it, I dressed for it. But i didnt. I made sure I was well covered, no cleavage, no legs but just a body hugging skirt that was below my knee and Jack to serve as my ‘body guard’. 

After telling Robin about it, his first reaction was almost like Vind. He was quiet, but he didnt explode. The questions came, in a similar manner, he was very angry about it and it was my fault. He didnt really seem lik ehe wanted to talk to me when I asked him to, and he said he would only talk to me when he felt like it. My stomach flipped. But it was my fault. I couldnt say anything about it. Like Vind, I was told to block and unfriend the guy which I did without qualms since I barely know him and him hitting on me was nvr really the ‘shiok im wanted’ feels. I just didnt want trouble in any case especially when I had and loved Robin so much. 

Moments like that where Robin acted like Vind still stays fresh in my head. I wish I could forget it cos he’s not Vind. Sometimes I still wonder where did Vind and I go wrong, did i really love him or was it just Stockholm syndrome or? If he was Chinese (my mom is slightly racist) would we have worked out? I realized we dated for almost 1.5 years thou, and yet throughout that period time tgt with him felt hellish 7 out of 8 of the time. 

Robz also recently asked me if I thought he was lazy or complacent, like he was not willing to OT etc. I told him I would support him regardless, he just has to do what he wants cos i believe in him. He said he truly believes in work-life balance and that he doesnt need th money or like to promote as fast as his peers. Working beyond his regular hours esp till 9/10 on a regular basis was too much for him. 

 I told him my plans of doing as much as I can for the first few years of my career, at least till I am financially stable and all so as to provide my parents the best of at least material well being. As much as I could see where Robin was coming from, a part of me was wondering if that really was the case would that be my actual response? That it was alright for him to do as he pleased, not promote as fast or wayang as much. Would I be an evil bitch to compare with my peers, would I get selfish and ugly? Would I want or demand more materially? Sometimes being self aware of potential ugliness is in itself so ugly already. I wonder how much more of myself am I covered in such horridness. 

[somedaypast-thesunset]

i need to do some writing today.

here is what i know as a fact: i am undoubtedly more mature emotionally and in overall life than him. no matter what, i will always handle life easier than him because “my journey” “taught me” “how to be strong”.but its not strength. its like.. an armour coating. and i just kept painting a protective sealant around my soul everytime something happened so now when something happens thats pretty fucing bad, my reaction is much less than the average person. kind of like an ER trauma doctor - theyve seen so much. i have seen more than almost any other person my age. i know more. even though i didnt have the same experiences as them, i still know of life much more. i know the true reality of life as it is and not what is sold to you or influenced by a higher source. 

and life is absolute total complete shit. it’s totally completely terrible and if you are lucky - and ONLY if you are lucky, will you find your own success which will satisfy you just enough to make it through. 

i am not depressed solely because my father is dead. thats simple. that doent stop me from living my life. if he just died randomly - that sucks ass but you move on. its not his death. its his life. he worked 47 years to have his pensions stolen legally. like government approved pension theft. he worked so hard to die in poverty. he wasnt a homeless person. he never borrowed money from anyone. he had no debts. why in the FUCK did he get that? what kind of god, if there was a god, would reward your earthly services with fucking poverty. the government told him if you pay your taxes and be a good citizen you will get X amount for the rest of your days but no where did they say if you get married though and become seperated your wife will take your pensions. what the fuck is seperation if nothing changes? 

47 years to be crippled in a lazy boy watching wrestling. FORTY. SEVEN. YEARS. where in the FUCK was his reward? he didnt even get a loving family! he died ALONE. he gave everything he had in his life toe veryone else and he died ALONE starving in a hospital bed. 

so tell me now how you paying 1.50 for air at the pump is the sign of the world ending. tell me how them raising the gas prices before a holiday is the worst of capitalism. tell me how you working sooo hard for the past year has been just absolutely terrible and “gotten you nowhere” as you live in your mothers house for free. 

bitch you dont even know the worst of life. you dont even know what it is to do everything right and stil get nothing for it. he said to me, “you dont know, ive had to actually work -” .. “ive watched a dozen men in the exact same position as you get royally fucked much harder than you and have to keep going. how does this give me any incentive to go out and work as i watched men break their back for _nothing_? their lives are no better.”

i told him that my doctor believes i completely understand whats going on. that im not like delusional or creating scenarios in my head - i have encountered the true realities of life and human beings have extreme difficulties dealing with some of the worst parts of life; such as moving & public speaking & death. 

so i go back and forth. because im told im shit i believe im shit and infantalize myself; i must be so ignorant and so blinded not to see the “truth” and that my depression is a fog keeping me from seeing positive things. 

but then there are times like this where i realize i might actually be one of the few people around me who actually see things for how they are. his mother returned from her vacation and immediately she brought a cloud of darkness with her because she is the epitome of mass consumption and spoiledness. and its become disgusting the level in which she is consuming and spending money and i cant even pretend to be amused anymore. it really pisses me off. because i have such little money i am dictated as to how i should be using it and what i should be buying and yet she has enough money to stock her house with food that has been expired for two years and continue to buy more and be particular about bagged milk or eggs with omega 3 and its like you lived on an island which shouldve been closer to farm life and you somehow came out entitled and spoiled as fuck. my friend and i slept in her bed for four hours one night after drinking and she left her rings but we didnt know. his mother found them and fraked out that we slept in her bed because “you cant sleep in a bed someone else has slept in”.

and its like within this “concern” she had no bearng at all on the fact she was insulting me and my friend. he said, “theyre probably cleaner than i am” in response because it did sound like she was saying my friend and i were sooo dirty we somehow sullied her bed. like we’re below her and we fucked up her things. this is of course after she had moved my bag of laundry from inside the house to the garage. so its like one after another thing making me feel sooo second class and shitty and hes crying about 1.50 at the pump. his own mother is apart of the larger problem and continually makes me feel like shit. theres no reason for my laundry to be moved; at all. it was just ‘ugh get out of my house’ without saying it because people like her make passive aggressive moves while smiling sunshine out of their ass. 

the weekend was continually up ad down with him. when he returned he was so excited to see me. he was super affectionate and loving and outwardly praising me in front of his friends and it was really fucing nice and it lulled me into a false sense of security. but like in no way do i believe hes acting malicious. like he did this purposely to manipulate me. his actions were not done maliciously, but this is the result of them. i was lulled into false security because the next four days were very up and down and not great but still okay?

on thursday & friday he was very focused on the time i spent with a new friend. but he portrayed this like a “joke”. like he was “mocking” it or “making fun”. but it became like.. so often that it was not a joke. it became a VERY clear sign of insecurity that amounted on saturday to me saying i was “bored” and him becoming VERY insecure. he apologized that i was bored, he “joked” that i would disappear for a day and suck some other guys dick and lie about it for six months. and lke these are not jokes. theyre said as jokes, his tone is joking but this is not a joke. this is a projection of insecurity.

but the thing is it doesnt make sense. our “relationship” is “open”. for all intents & purposes, hes allowed to “be with other people”. will i also be with him? .... remains to be seen. maybe i will. i dont know. i cannot say if he is sooooo important and i am soooo progressed in my perspectives that i would say i cant be associated with him. i dont know yet. but this is an “allowable occurence” as deemed by him and “agreed” to by me. so this is open. but its becoming increasingly apparant that this is not open for me. none of my actions in any way can or should be considered “cheating”. not that any of my actions ould be described as cheating - ive gone for drives & walks with friends and drew pictures. i have not even physically touched another man in a year beyond a hug which has lasted probably maximum ten seconds long. but even if i had 2 minue long hugs which tured to make out sessions and sucked dick at the end - it shouldnt be cheating. there is no rule that says this is cheating. everything says this is okay. if HE can do it, then CERTAINLY i can also. 

he directly referrred to the fact that my new friend had gone to an art gallery in kitchener and wondered outloud if thats what he shouldve done but didnt think it wold be worth it. he was just focused on the fact this person existed in my life at all and that he would be seen as boring and uninteresting in comparison. i had never seen him so outwardly insecure and bothered by something like this in our relationship.

the next morning he woke up and reminded me that we had an open relationship and that he thought about these other girls and wanted this and this etc. it seemed obvious that he was saying this because he was upset by the insinuation i thought he was boring (which i never said, btw, i said i was “bored”. i specifically remember saying i was bored. period. not that he caused the boredom or was a boring person) and maybe was looking somewhere else. like he had built the delusion up so far he had to hurt me with “yeah well i can do this too” even though i wasnt. i told him this later on and he meekly said that wasnt why he had brought it up but it clearly was. later that night he said, “if you leave me you have to tell me so i can leave you first” which i felt succinctly described what happened - he felt like i was going to leave him so he pre-empted by reminding me he could also fill my space. 

i continually repeated that i wasnt going to leave him but it became so exaggerated that .. it wasnt that i didnt believe that i wasnt going to leave him but i didnt believe there was a relationship to leave. what would i leave? was it not him who wanted to leave? was it not him who wanted more? was it not him whos unsatisfied? why would you assume i would leave when its him whos unhappy? see, i want to have a life with him. i try to make an effort to have a life with him but im completely stuck. 

last night i helped him with this very dumb and futile task of taping large pieces of vinyl wrapping on a deck in the wind before a storm. i didnt have to but i did because i love him and knew it was a shitty task to have to do and next to impossible on your own. we werent able to do it and he was upset about it and his job and his life and within an hour was taking it out on me. he said that our relationship was the “easy way out” and that he could get instant gratification in his day by fucking and smoking weed. if he was alone more then he could have time to “think” and “be himself” and that i should respect when he says no or wants to be alone (he didnt say he wanted to be alone). he said hes run by anxiety and that in another time he wouldve just up and moved by now instead of talking about it.  

i felt really offended that our relationship had been degraded to instant gratification. it was the first time i really felt like a whore in the relationship and that my purpose was to fuck. i asked him what i could do when i was with him to encourage better choices beyond fucking and smoking weed. he told me there was nothing. so i also felt like i had no choice either but to be someone he fucks and smokes weed with and thats it. like i cant build a life with him because im just a fucktoy who smokes his weed. like sure, he wanted to express the dissatisfaction in our routine but he was no better than his mother in expressing it because he didnt care that he was insinuating i had no other use to him. 

he tried to be easy going after this conversation - i didnt respond to his crap but i did not feel good anymore. i made a legitimate effort to help him resolve his personal issues and he essentially shit on me. i wasnt condoning continuing the routine, i was encouraging a change and it was like no, we still have to do this but also give me time alone to have a seperate life.

and i live that already. i live this shitty duality of lives where i spend my days alone trying to put together a life i lead completely independent from him like he doesnt even exist and then have to pick it back up and act like its this most important thing of my life. there is no middle ground, its one extreme or the other while pretending tht this is a “relationship” and that we’re “in love”. but i think we just love each other. i dont think this is in love. maybe im in love, maybe because i understand “in love” more than him but i think he just loves me and cares about me. which is fine - its not even like i think he doesnt want to be with me. he does. but he is not really capable of being with me in the capacity that i need and im not needy. im not broken because this is not good enough for me and that im like wrong for wanting more. its natural and okay. 

he jokes that we are already married. that i will do womens work because he goes to work and i stay home. but there is no “home” in which to do this work in. he has not provided me anything beyond packs of smokes and weed and iced capps. like he supports me in the way the government supports me. just enough to still need more support but not fail completely. i thik he feels comfortable playing house and i’m sort of looking at him like are you for real? like the test drive is about to be over. 

he said he “felt like a prisoner” because he didnt want to go downstairs and make food and face his shitty mother. i told him i felt the same at my place with my roommate. but theres like.. no response. no empathy - like hey, we share the same shitty thing. or maybe even like a deeper understanding of who i am and the life i live without him. 

this morning i woke up and fel the same. he wanted to fuck and i didnt, i said no but he continued to pull down my pants. and this is not going into like some assault story because thats not it at all. yes,  i said no. and if i had pulled away and been like fuck no - it wouldve ended.  i wasnt trapped. i made a concious decision to let him do this but not even want it. and i dont think he really even cared; in many ways he can be pretty depraved and its likely the idea that i was doing it just to get it over with turned him on anyways. and i dont even judge these behaviors because the horrors and depravity and realities of life keep me interested and he is just honest about his depravity because people are ashamed of theirs. maybe i am too. not that i was turnd on by this; im not into guys fucking me when im not into it, but i coud probably participate in rape fantasies so maybe i can disconnect easier and take it for what it is. its never malicious. no one is uisng sex to make me feel this way except maybe myself. i took advantage of an oportunity to amke myself feel like shit for this brief moment. he came suprisingly fast. 

i think he knew i was upset though and i didnt want to have a conversation about his offenses at 630am. he started complaining about gas prices and air prices and i just took that as an opportunity to vent my projections and frustrations. like - fuck off. life is shit and you won the god damn lottery. your anxieties are insignificant and bullshit, you are ungrateful and self centered and lack empathy for others. like you feel “guilty” but you dont actually understand how THEY feel. like watching kids in africa and youre like omgz so sad *sends coffee money*. like, please. 

i tried to approach it from an empathetic point. we hae similar problems. we are both crippled by anxiety and finding a purpose / worth in life. we believe there are solutions “if we could just do this .. this would be better” and maybe we’re right. maybe. but the anxiety stops us. so i tried to help him with my own coping methods - he says he has too much anxiety to look at apartments. i told him to build it up, make it exciting, make it positive and follow through and then feel good about it even though it seems really stupid to have to put this much care and effort into a simple task. it still gets done, right?

he told me that doesnt work for him. i was like “oh”. i didnt know it was an option. when ive said this in the past he told me i wasnt trying hard enough, that i should do better. 

this morning i focused back on me. i hope im accepted for disability. i feel stuck. i want a break. i dont need to put in physical hours at someones business to deserve a fucking break in life. that does not determine my worth. and it shouldnt be this hard. it shouldnt. but society wants poor people dead. they do not care about mental health - and you’re right, no one cares about you. very few people will ever feel the momentous weight of no nest at all. 

so whatever, you know? you dont want to live with me? you dont want to spend time with me? then i just wish i had disability - not for the “quick fix” because nothing about it is quick. but for the opportunities it gives me because no one in the world can do anything without someone else. period. end of sentence. that is the true reality, that is what i absolutely know to be true in an experience which very few people have lived with and those who have would more than likely agree because most success stories are ones who have been elevated by someone or a system created by someones. i dont know a single one off hand that didnt have, “and then i met so and so and everything changed” or “and then i got this x opportunity through this person”. 

i dont want to be paid for in life. i dont want to be supported. i dont even want someone to ust completely pay for me out of their own pocket right now. thats terrible. i couldnt feel goood about it, no matter how “easy” it would be. i want to pay my share, support myself, my habits, my life by my own means. which is what i do now while putting in copious amount of  man hours into “womens work” to offset snacks and meals in what should be a “relationship”. 

i feel like this weekend was a good sign of why i need to work on accepting my independence as highest priority in life. i deserve a family but i wont have one right now because life is not fair as much as it is not fair for people who suffer in war and poverty in third world countries. life is no different - we all live in the same timeline & world & existence so this is not completely unheard of and people do survive terrible tragedies. life is just not fair and for as long as human beings existed as sentient beings, we have been creating unfair scenarios for the benefit of ourselves. thats life. thats what i can know and breathe as life. you can never be surprised or shocked by the actions of a human being - theyre just unpredictable and yet predictable at the same time because no matter what they will create unfairness in some capacity. and it took me soooooooo long to accept this knowledge at all. i wanted to believe that unfair things just happened. like some random force in the world makes unfair things happen and if you do enough right things then itll be smooth sailing glory days. but thats not it. life is not a series of check points. random organic beings evolved seperately like a colony of a million ants and althrough a million ants can make a whole workng system, within those millions are a million different minds. and they need the fucking colony because individually they are nothing but ants. theyre just things flying around on a big ball in a vast nothingness and everthing all a the ame time. and theyre terrified you know? theyre fucking terrified because you dont know why the fuc you came to be. youre just brething and shitting and eating and sleeping. what in the fuck is the purpose to all of this? and maybe theres no answer and youre just here on this fucking big blue ball flying in vast nothingness. but within the colony, its easier to eat and shit and sleep and not die or be threatened by imminent death. and you have a job, you have some task that keeps the gears rolling in this system that suddenly is more important than whats happening outside because this is easy and anything outside is hard and terrifying. 

but every being feels this. its not unique to one hero. its everyone. everyone evolved from nothing and inherited a really complex system that was supposed to make it easier to live and they hoped whoever birthed you prepared you appropriately for the system; if not, or if you’ve lost them, good luck. 

but at some point almost everyone, perhaps everyone, comes to a point, even in the comfort of their parents, where they question their purpose on this ball. why the fuck are we here, why am i in this system, how do i use it to benefit me if outside is unimaginable? how do i not hate myself for it?

and thats where we begin to create individualized coping strategies. maybe its leaning on your parents harder while you question existence, taking 9 yrs to graduate school, hitchhiking across the country, doing recreational drugs, finding “instant gratification” in other humans and eventually, hopefully, you find what works for you. and once you do, it will be hard to convince you otherwise because thats what makes you “happy”. you are at full “easy’ in life where all the basic needs have been covered and you havent degraded yourself for it - whether it be sucking dick or working long hours at a shitty job. 

so i find it hard to demonize anyone at all. even all the people who did me wrong. even all the shity actions described above - thats how they coped to find their personal “easy” because thats the very best you can get within this system because our agreed upon basic purpose in life is to make basic survival “easy”. perhaps our brains and mental capacities never considered what basic surivial truly entailed and maybe were not there yet. is it just breathing eating sleeping and shitting? of course, fucking is involved but thats a future survival of genetics and if you cant surviv until puberty, thats not even an issue. is it also tending to the care of emotional and mental development? 

i feel like society as a whole, human beings as a group, despite the individuals who might go against the majority, but as a group, in popular culture, emotions & mental status are not an issue until theyve created one. so we are purposefully ignoring what weve evolved to know to be a necessity in basic survival. yes, grandpa was ‘tough as nails’ but grandpa was not a fucking robot and perhaps learned good coping methods such as active hobbies, a friend to talk to or maybe grandpa drank a lot. humans are not weaker now, they were dumber before. they had no idea that mental illness existed, that some could be preventable or treated. they did not understand the brain as they did not understand space, the oceans - this is one of life’s greatest mysteries and since we dont understand it we imagine it to have a grand capacity but everything has its limitations. i dont understand the brain at all, i cant fathom the idea of why a person can continue to learn and adopt new things throughout life but never consider what is insde of themselves and capacity they have or why. they’re just full of pride that they managed to ‘achieve’ a perceived limitation. anyone can do anything. whether you have the tools or opportunities to do so is completely different. 

outside of genetic defects, everyone is made up of the same shit. no one is uniquely special or better. everyone, even ones with defects, needs to breathe eat shit and sleep. and thats where the unfairness comes in. for some people, in this system, their inheritance of privledges makes it way more opportunities to create “easy” things in their lives. why do they deserve this inheritance if we are all born as equals? no one as a baby did anything to deserve the opportunities or priviledges that set them up to inherit a better system. why did some babies get better opportunities thn others? 

the system is unfair but you cannot change the system when it still “works” for everone else. you cant change it. it’s so unfair, it’s so completely unfair. but no matter how fucking unfair it is you still need to eat. you still need to shit. you still need to sleep and breath clean air. and thats why you work. thats why you keep working. i try to imagine why others have chosen what they have. perhaps their parents brainwashed them into the system and they had other priviledges and they just blindly accept what they “know”. i question why people buy alot of things they do. i wonder why they put value of themselves, like it was worth doing literal work to earn the money to buy a tube of lipstick? how does that factor easy? but i guess life had become so easy that the anixieties about the color of their lips are higher priority than the comfort of their next shit. 

but THATS not the way it used to be. that would be the difference from grandpa to our modern world. and that frustrates me alot. i would thrive in a tiny home but at 27, and where im at now, thats like a dream i have for 20 mnues before entering real life again. its not going to happen. so how do i compromise right now? im walking wide eyed terrified alone on this big ball in vast nothingness, where do i find my “easy”? my inheritance was the same “strength” and stubbornness my parents had - no opportunity, no priviledge. i’ll survive, but it wont be pretty. 

if i get disability, i want to move. although i want to go to college, that’s a really big step in life that i think i can just hold as a goal. i would like to go to college before im 30. considering i am still interested in my original course and its something that is recession proof and doesnt really require “upgrading” any skills in the future - it’s a totally feasible and good goal. so i want to move. and i could probably move anywhere in ontario or the gta. i mean not even probably - i literally can. i can go anywhere. i have friends here. but i made them all in the past 2 years, without working. i guess i “worked” but it wasnt “work. i found a way to make that “easy”. 

i want to live a creative life. thats my pretty top priority in “easy independence”. i also want to accept that this is plan a b and c. theres no like, “well if this person comes along”. this is so desirable to me that it should take months of considderation to break down the intricacies of my own wants and desires and things i provided myself to decide to merge with someone. 

so im trying to do that. and it takes alot of thinking because this is life or death for me. this is happiness or failure. this is being stable and content or homeless poverty. im “afforded the luxury” of living somewhere “safe” that i can afford as i think about these things. where do i want to move? i want to have my own place. even if its like my friends with no kitchen, i want my own place that i dont have to worry about someone else in. my curret place feels like a hotel or dorm room.  i wan to feel comfortable spending time “alone” and actually be “alone”. id like to move closer to downtown because it was easier to walk around and had more ammenities. i consider also my doctor who woudve gotten me this opportunity and how important it might be to keep within travelling distance. but maybe its better to move? 

if i went to college, it would be in the same city he wants to move to, pretty much down the street 20 minutes away. thats the real insult to all of this. i could have a much easier time but hes decided to make both of our lives very difficult. do i want to move there if he does? or regardless? continue this expensive routine of having seperate places? or commute to college everyday, five days a week? its close to toronto, on the subway line - a total change from my life now. my life perhaps ever. 

i got the letter saying they got my application. it could take 90 business days to decide, which means i might not hear anything until november, maybe even december. which sucks pretty bad. but having even the glimmer of hope makes things “easier” for the time being. i still have this time to fill. and even if idid go to college next year, i have atleast a year before it starts. what do i do with the rest of 2017? he wants me to take a class. he told me also to start getting my liscence. i need a new phone to really kick off my new business idea and my desire to do anythng art related right ow is super low. i hate my environment. its cold and dark and damp and loud. i dont want to make anything, not even jewelry. 

i was paid five days ago but ive done nothing but buy weed and smokes. i havent bought any groceries yet. truthfully i havent showered since sunday (maybe saturday) and i wasnt even home until this morning. i mostly want to sleep. ive smoked so much weed, im not even really getting high anymore. spend some time with my cats who i had really started missing. im expected to open the arts colletive back up and announce upcoming plans but im still trying to care. just, at all. i fell off the radar and dedicated too much time to him and im sad that i cant even be anxious to seehim because even thats pointless now.