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queencatherynerhys · 6 years

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Dangerously - Part 5 Speak Now

A/N:I have officially hit 200 followers!! Thank you so much for all the love! Seriously! I don’t know how I got here. I feel like it was just yesterday that I only had like 10 followers and then I was brave enough to release my Ruin the Friendship series and here I am. I couldn’t have done it without all of your love and your amazing support for my stories. I don’t read a lot of stories with Liam’s POV so I’m going to do most of the chapters of this series in his. I just love writing him so much and the more I write him the more I fall in love with him, through all the stupidity and idiocy. Sorry this is a short one. Also a shout-out to @kinkykingliam for the wonderful banner!

Song Inspiration: Dangerously by Charlie Puth (thank you @theroyalweisme…I seriously struggle finding a title for this chapter. For a couple weeks it was just “Untitled”)

Summary:Why is Liam at the Beaumont Estate? Will Catheryne hear his pleas? Will they ever have their happy ending?

Tag List: @kinkykingliam @devineinterventions2 @madaraism @theroyalweisme @drakewalkerwhipped @laniquelovely @drakesfiance @hhiggs @hellospunkiebrewster @alicars @mrswalkerreynolds @mfackenthal @simplyaiden-blog @hopefulmoonobject @blackcatkita @cocomaxley @boneandfur @lizeboredom @crayziimaginations @umccall71 @zarina-x-zig @writtenbycandy @ranishajay @heatherfilliez @flyawayblue56 @drakelover78 @indiacater @pens-girl-87 @katurrade @speedyoperarascalparty @greyeyedsmile14 @barbaravalentino @zilch3 @waitingforsuperman25

Previous Parts:

Speak Now

Too Good at Goodbyes

My Immortal

Alone

Liam roughly pounds on the exquisite wooden door and in a matter of seconds Catheryne is in front of him. He doesn’t know why he is there or how he got there. All he knows is that he can’t stop himself from being at this moment.

“Liam…” he hears her say. He studies her face, shock clearly written in them. It hasn’t been a day since he let her walk away and she already looks as if she had gone through months of sleepless nights. Her hair unkept and her eyes red and puffy. Liam’s guilt grows in his heart. He knows he did this to her, caused her to feel all the pain that she is feeling.

The door begins to close, but he puts his hand out instinctively. “Catheryne, please, I know that I am the last person in this world that you want to see, but please if I could have a minute of your time. At least to give me a chance to properly apologize and explain.” He begs and waits several minutes outside of an ajar door.

Finally, it opens and Catheryne steps aside to let him enter the estate. “Are you drunk?” she inquires of him.

“Maybe a little, but that isn’t the point,” he slurs and reminds her that there is a greater conversation that needs to be had.

“We shouldn’t be having this conversation when you are clearly intoxicated and impaired, Liam,” she huffs.

“This exactly the time, Catheryne!” he clearly startles her with his tone and he quickly reprimand himself for losing his temperance. “I apologize for that. I just…I am afraid that if I don’t do this now I won’t do it at all, so please just let me explain.”

He looks down at his feet and with his peripherals he can make out Catheryne moving to stand farther away from him. He can read between the line. She doesn’t appreciate his presence. How did we get here? When not too long ago, we would do anything to be in each other’s arms and touch?This is all your fault.

“You have the floor,” Catheryne’s voice brings him out of his thoughts.

He shakes his head before he continues, and he takes a moment to gather his thoughts to make sure he doesn’t make her anger towards him any worse.

“You must understand where I am coming from, Catheryne. Letting you go is the single hardest thing I have ever had to do and believe me when I say that for as long as I live I will never forgive myself for what I am doing to you now. I could only hope that you can. One day.” He looks up and is met with a sharp glare from Catheryne

“I know you are angry at me. I deserve it. I deserve the cold, angry look you are giving me now. I know you don’t want me around, but I would do anything to keep you here.” Liam slurs.

“Are you serious, Liam? Are you seriously asking me this? God, for a king you’re not very smart. I come to you, laying all my cards on the table and you turned your back. You decided that Cordonia was more important and now you’re coming here to what? Ask me to be your mistress?! Is that it? Am I supposed to understand that you broke and destroyed me for the sake of your fucking country?” Catheryne marches closer to him, clearly outraged.

“I am not asking you to be my mistress, Ryne. I am only asking that you stay in Cordonia. What is in New York that’s waiting for you? Just see reason, I implore you. Here you can have your own place. Your friends are here. Your family.”

“So, what? Am I supposed to stay here and watch you live a life with her? Be mocked and ridiculed for being the court whore? You are something else, Liam. You are really something else.”

“You’re not the court whore, Catheryne. Please, just think about it. I can give you your own duchy. Your own place. Far away enough from the capital. You never have to have interaction with the court if you don’t want to. Please, Catheryne. I want you to stay. I…I love you.”

Catheryne’s hand whips across his face and the shock pains him more than the slap. His mouth open and he touches his stricken face which he is sure is now red from the interaction. No one else in this entire country would have the nerve to slap him across the face but Catheryne. To be fair, he knows he deserve that and much more. He straightens up and looks at Catheryne who is shaking and fuming with anger. Water sits on the corners of her eyes, but his strong woman holds all the tears in.

“Don’t ever say that you love me ever again, Liam,” she whispers through gritted teeth. “You don’t treat people you love this way. You don’t destroy them. Now, I would really appreciate if you show yourself out.”

“Catheryne, please…” Liam begs for more time.

“Leave. Now,” she turns away from him. He can see now that he has done more than hurt her. He has crushed her spirit. He obliges her wishes and rushes out of the estate. He mounts his motorcycle and quickly puts distance between him and the horrible interaction that had just occurred.

He arrives at the palace after twenty minutes. He leaves the motorcycle in front and runs to his office. He needs to drown his misery with a lot of liquor. Upon arriving in his office, he slams the door close and quickly pours him a sizeable amount of dark liquor in a crystal glass. He sets himself down on the luxurious couch with a view of his beloved city. His heart harbors anger towards himself.

He refills his cup after quickly downing the liquid. The burn soothes him. He stares at the view of the capital at night. It’s beautiful, but it is quick to remind him of what he sacrificed and destroyed for that view. He grips the glass he holds in his hands. He gives in and releases all the tears he has been keeping at bay. He feels so tired. He feels as if he has aged a lifetime in a matter of a day.

He leans forward. His head hangs low, defeated and alone. The internal struggle continuing its rampage in his mind. The fight for duty over love destroys his heart. When he closes his eyes, all he can see is Catheryne turning away from him. Body language has made him a great diplomat. Reading hers hurt him. The pain and anguish written all over her is something that will never leave his memory knowing that he was the reason she was in that position.

He has drunk four glasses of liquor and his body feels the effects. He stands and sways himself to the balcony to look up at the stars. He closes his eyes and imagines what he could remember of his mother. What would she say, what would she think if she was here? How incredibly disappointed she will be.

Just to add to his frustration, he heard the quiet click of the door behind him. Ugh why now?

“Well, there you are, my dear husband,” Madeleine’s bubbliness sends him further down the rabbit hole. He grips the railing in fury. “Everyone wondered where you ran off to, but not too worry I was able to veer you away from a scandal. You’re welcome. Now to get to business. Since I am now queen…”

“Let me stop you there, Madeleine,” Liam whirls around and interrupts her. “You may be Cordonia’s queen, but you will never be mine. Our quarters will always be separated. The only interaction we will have is a court function. Besides that, you are nothing to me. We will only be a couple in front of the court and the press. Behind closed doors, I want nothing to do with you. Ever. Got it?” He hisses every word at her in disgust. He is also disgusted at his actions and for allowing himself to be in this predicament. Now he must live a lie.

“Whatever, Liam, I have no interest other than the business of bettering Cordonia. We can treat our relationship like a negotiation if that is what you desire, but you will have to get over Catheryne sooner or later. Our people will expect an heir one day, after all.” With that she saunters out of his office.

An heir. Oh god, that hasn’t even crossed his mind. As a regent, one of his responsibilities is to ensure the crown’s stability by producing an heir. How can he ever go through with that? His heart aches and his mind throbs with a terrible head ache. He knows he should stop drinking but it was the only way he can numb the pain. He sits back down on the couch carelessly and looks out the view of the balcony mindlessly. He thinks of Catheryne and what this night would have been like if she was the one he chose. He definitely wouldn’t be drunk and alone right now.

He paces across his office to distract himself. He closes his eyes and groans in frustration and anguish. It’s as if someone continues to drive a dagger through his heart. He grips his glass until finally he releases all sense of mannerism and throws it at the wall. He sinks down to the floor leaning against a wall. He releases a deep sigh. He can no longer feel anything. The brokenness he had to endure this day has made him completely numb and emotionless. He breathes, but no longer living.

#choices trr #choices #choices the royal romance #choices the stories you play #trr au #trr liam #king liam #liam x mc

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resetmypatientviolence · 6 years

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Ready (Drake x MC x Liam)

Ready– Part 14 of “Supposed To Be”

Part 1: Not Yet Part 2: Wait Part 3: Confused Part 4: Didn’t (NSFW) Part 5: I’m Pregnant Part 6: Choice (NSFW) Part 7: Future (NSFW) Part 8: Fight Part 9: Show (NSFW), Part 10: It’s Yours, Part 11: Please, Part 12: How, Part 13.1: Queen (NSFW) 13.2: Queen (NSFW-ish)

Word count: 4,831 Pairing: Drake x Jaela x Liam

Rating: PG-17

Warnings: Language; From here on out, there’s very real conversations about unplanned pregnancy. Nothing heavy in this chapter, but this is a general FYI.

Summary: After ending things with Liam-- finding a conclusion to one question in her life-- she needs to confront and talk about something else, the one thing she hasn’t had time to focus on during the roller coaster of the past few days: How does she feel about the pregnancy in all honesty?

Suggested Song Accompaniment: Mind Games-- Banks

Notes: This chapter... actually was meant to be longer, but I cut it. So, instead of having another hiatus the week of my graduation... I’ll release the next one on Saturday! Hurrah! That said, thank you all so incredibly much for your support of this series, and all of my writing. It means the world. And yes, we’re going to dive into mature, deep, and honest topics from here on out. If there’s one thing I’m proud of with this series, it’s that I’ve done my best to keep it real and raw with their emotions, feelings, and this situation. Not every pregnancy is a instantly happy moment and unique to each woman. This is Jaela’s story and she has a right to her feelings on this situation.

*There is a cut, but it’s tagged as Long Post for anybody on mobile.

Tag List: @boneandfur, @mariawalkerwrites, @ninamckenzie22, @hhiggs, @drakesfiance, @umccall71, @mrswalkerreynolds, @youwontlikewherewewillgo, @mfackenthal, @zarina-x-zig, @ahteneah, @tmarie82, @viktoriapetit, @heatherfilliez, @bobasheebaby, @trr-fangirl

** Giving a little angst for TRR Appreciation Week! @boneandfur / @decisso

“I love you…” Slipped through her lips, in the dark room, and she opened her eyes, blinking slowly, the respirator and steady beeping from the monitor coming back into focus as she lifted her head from Drake’s bed. Her hand was numb, but she wiggled her fingers in his still hand, unwilling to let go. How long was she asleep for? The sky was still dark, but lighter than when she snuck into his room, because she couldn’t sleep herself. And… and she wanted to be by him, Doctors be damned. All she did was sit by his side and talk to him… just trying to say everything in case….

Jaela squeezed his hand, eyes shining with tears in the darkness. Nothing. He didn’t react, just laid there, hooked up to a million machines. At least, not in pain. No, at least not that. “Hey, it’s me again,” she whispered, bringing his hand to her lips, brushing against his knuckles. “I don’t know how much longer I can be in here. I snuck in, you know. I’m sure you do, you’d know I’d come no matter what they said.” She paused and bit her lip, letting the tears silently fall. “Drake, I love you. I love you so much. I didn’t know how much I could love until you came around.”

Her words, hushed, were defending in the quiet. But, Jaela continued, holding his hand tight, his shirt keeping her warm in the sterile, too cold room. “I know you… you didn’t think much about the future but I was starting to see one with you. Did you, too?” A future, one that she wanted, ripped away right before her eyes. “You can tell me when you wake up…. But Drake… I-I know what you heard before… before… everything, but I was wrong. So wrong. I want you, that future, still. Somehow, some part of it. Please, Drake, come back—”

A quiet knock and Jaela jumped in her seat, free hand wiping away the tears. The chipper nurse, looking solemn now, entered the room, eyeing her gently. “You’re not supposed to be in here, Duchess.”

“I-I’m sorry, I just—” A glance back to Drake, still lifeless on the bed. “I-I had to.” So much to say, still. Why’d she have to leave? She didn’t want to, hand tightening in his. “I… I wanted to before I had to leave.” She kissed his palm, eyes drifting to his face.

“The Doctors will be making rounds soon, and you’ll be discharged in a few hours. I think it’s best to get you back to your room.”

“Five more minutes? Please?” What else could she try? Could the nurse see her desperation to cling on to him for as long as she could? Was she putting the pieces together, judging her? Wondering why anybody would turn down a King? “Please…”

She nodded. “Five minutes.”

Once gone, Jaela trembled and brushed back hair off his forehead, then, pushed it back, liking how to rested there better. “Drake…” What to say? “I’m so scared,” she confessed. “I’m so, so scared. I don’t think you’re supposed to be this scared when you find out you’re pregnant. You’re supposed to be happy and joyous and… and I’m petrified. I… I don’t think Liam understands how scared I am. I… I don’t know what’s going to happen today. This wasn’t the future I saw for us. It was going to be beautiful,” she sighed. “We’d travel, a lot, you know. Explore, find a dive bar in a new city and always visit them again when we go back. You mentioned a cabin, and we’d live there, away from… everything. I used to think I wanted the frills that came with life… but you made me see that I don’t. I don’t want or need them to simply… be. The frills, the extravagance—none of that. I just want things to be simple, easy. To live without pressure to be somebody else. To live and love and…”

A tear fell, landing on his pale skin. She pressed her lips to that spot. “You know when I joked about marriage in New York? I saw you, you know. And me. We’re not at an altar or anything. I don’t think I’m even wearing white. It’s just us saying our vows, our promises to each other. Nobody else… just us. That’s all I want, us. So please, please Drake, come back to me. Let’s make us happen. I don’t deserve to love you, and you don’t deserve me, but god, I love you so much.”

A soft hand on her shoulder, time up. Jaela looked up at the nurse, her tears still falling. “It’s time to leave now, Duchess.”

Slowly, not letting go of his hand, Jaela stood. “Can I ask a question?” The nurse nodded. “The coma… is… is it medically induced or is he just…”

“Hard to tell,” she said, Jaela’s heart sinking. “It’s medical for now, to keep him comfortable and to allow for a recovery after the surgery… but there’s no way of knowing what’ll happen when they stop it, if he’ll wake up on his own.”

“Oh.”

“He’s a fighter, Duchess. I… I’m sure he can hear you, too. I’m sure that’ll bring him back. Now…”

She nudged her arm, urging Jaela to move, the moment she dreaded, slowly loosening her grip on his. “Drake,” she said. “Please don’t leave me. I love you.”

Right before their hands separated, Jaela swore there was a tiny flick of his finger against hers, the pressure changing—but she wasn’t sure—and there was no use dwelling on that tiny, maybe, movement, because their hands separated and the nurse quickly led Jaela away, never tearing her eyes from Drake until the door swung shut, not knowing when would be the next time she’d see him again… if ever.

Jaela stood, holding the sonogram, staring at it as the nurse chattered on about follow-ups and details and how to be careful of her head and what medicines to take and what and….

“Wait… I need a follow-up appointment with an OBGYN within the week?” Jaela asked, looking up from the sonogram. “But you said everything was okay…”

“I did, yes,” she said. Jaela furrowed her eyebrows and gently placed the sonogram in the duffel bag, zipping it up. It was time to go, apparently, even though Liam wasn’t here. “It is, really, it’s nothing much to be concerned about, not yet at least.” Jaela touched her stomach, still wearing Drake’s shirt.

“What is it?” Her mouth went dry, heart pounding. How much had she messed up this thing’s life, already, before it even began?

“Just a lower than average heart rate, but you went through incredible stress, Duchess, so I’m sure it’s not a major cause for concern.”

Oh god. What did she do to it? “What… what does that mean? And… and how does it happen?” Would drinking and not taking care of herself, already failing it as a mother it didn’t deserve, count?

The nurse grimaced. “It does bring the concern for miscarriage more into the conversation, but I wouldn’t worry too much. And there’s plenty of reasons and sometimes none at all. Like I said, I’d just take care of yourself and relax and schedule an appointment for later this week to check-up and make sure things are good. You’re almost done with the first trimester, Duchess. You should be happy—it’s an exciting time for you, even if things are scary in Cordonia now.”

And the nurse led her out, Jaela frozen at the words she said. Happy. You should be happy. But… but what if she wasn’t? Was that allowed? To not be happy? No matter what circumstance, was she allowed to feel anything but happy?

“Maxwell?” Maxwell pulled her into a hug outside of the hospital, guards on either side of her the moment she stepped into the hospital lobby. “Where’s Liam?”

The bright sun was warm on her skin, but yet, she felt so cold—the nurse’s words still haunting her ten minutes later. How could she tell Liam she wasn’t happy about the pregnancy? About the baby? About everything regarding this situation? How could she break him over and over?

“He asked me to get you, Blossom. He’s busy with managing everything and the press after this.” Yet, when they pulled away, his eyes told a different story. Liam still hadn’t texted her back, not that she expected him to, but she was certain he didn’t want to spend more time with her than he needed to. At least for now. Maybe… forever, but Jaela knew she did the right thing, even if it cost them more than they imagined.

“Oh, makes sense. I… I saw him on the news.” It hurt to see him, to see him trying to be brave and addressing his country’s concerns, but the pain was evident in his blue eyes, lips tight. She did that. She also shut the TV off shortly after, unable to watch it.

“Yep. Come on Blossom, let’s get you to the palace. It’s safe now.” He took her bag and Jaela got in the town car, looking out the tinted windows, silent for a few minutes, until, finally, she spoke, gathering her thoughts—or the fear that built with every passing second, bringing some clarity and realizations with her. She didn’t think much about the baby or what to say to Liam throughout the night, and morning, but every second closer to the palace turned those frantic, panicked thoughts and emotions into something—finally—tangible.

“Maxwell,” she began, keeping her arms crossed but looking at him next to her, he looking tired too. Maxwell turned his head, the smile he usually wore gone. “Are you supposed to be this scared, when you find out you’re pregnant? Because… I’m terrified and I don’t think it’s normal to feel like I do, not this scared, at least.”

“I don’t know, Jaela.” He reached out and touched her arm. Jaela took his hand, holding it tight, locking eyes with him.

“Me too,” she whispered. “Me too.”

And the palace loomed in the distance, dread filling her. Why’d Liam make her wait to face him, to face this conversation? Because, she thought, he’s scared too.

“Oh fuck, not again,” she groaned, heading back to the toilet, heaving. What the hell was going on? She’d been nauseous all throughout New York—able to push it back, even if it was weird how it never went away when she was in Drake’s arms—but this morning while packing up to head to airport, she couldn’t stop throwing up.

“Jaela?” called Hana, entering her room, pausing at the bathroom door. “Oh! Are you going to be ready soon or…?”

“Mmm,” she managed, leaning back and holding her stomach. What did she eat? Had she grown that accustomed to European food? No… you know what this is. Jaela covered her mouth, wayward thoughts creeping back into the forefront of her mind for the first time since Shanghai. Don’t you dare fucking think it—

“I’m pregnant.”

“Hmm? Jaela? What was that?”

But she was back over the toilet, gagging, not knowing if it was because of the nau—the morning sickness—or the words she uttered, the truth undeniable after a weeks of “being late”, the sickness, and even if Drake loved how her breasts looked as of late—his mark after the UN rooftop still lingering on one, there was no denying what was happening to her, not anymore.

She needed to find out and confirm her fears. And before Cordonia. But how could she sneak away and find a test now? “What’s taking Abdi so long? We’re going to be late if we don’t hurry.”

“She’s sick.”

“Oh! Shit, sick?”

“She told me she’s been nauseous since we got to New York… and well…”

“Never told me but ah, I… I’ll wait in the lobby with Maxwell. Abdi? Maxwell doesn’t do well with that kind of stuff… so take your time so he doesn’t puke. I’m not dealing with that again.”

If only they knew that her puking turned into silent tears, hands balled into fists, eyes shut tight, knowing exactly who the father was, and how much this would kill Drake the moment she told them… if she was pregnant, that is.

Though, Jaela knew the truth. Why else would she be feeling this way after making Drake the happiest she’d ever seen him?

The oak door of Liam’s office, so tall… intimidating. Jaela stood before it, wringing her hands in Drake’s too big shirt. They arrived two hours ago, taking the back entrance after layers of security checks, but Liam—apparently—wasn’t ready for her, one of his guards telling her the moment they stepped inside. Jaela didn’t want to go to her room—the memories of Drake too vivid, though, maybe it smelled like him—them still—and she didn’t want to talk to anybody.

So, she waited in the tunnels… right where she told Drake, finally, that she was pregnant. She wasn’t wrong, thinking that she’d kill him when she told him. She did—the look so plain in his eyes three nights ago before he turned, hitting the wall. Jaela shut her eyes and curled into a ball on the steps, just waiting for Liam.

Maybe she dozed off here and there—it was hard to know in the tunnels, her mind drifting between memory and fear and what to say to Liam—everything but how she felt about the baby, aside from being scared—but the vibration of her phone jarred her, nearly falling over. His name flashed on her notification, Liam—but without the blue heart. Let’s talk. My office.

With a deep breath, Jaela knocked—twice—and waited. After thirty seconds, it opened, Liam’s face devoid of the emotion he usually showed her, or well, any emotion really. Empty, tired. Wordlessly, she entered, the curtains cracked, letting in just enough light to see clearly… but it was still dim and dark, the air heavy and the silence defending.

She gulped, looking at the desk—where just a day ago, they kissed, Jaela confused between who to choose—even if for a second—getting lost in him, his touch, her emotions. Now, thankfully—somehow—replaced with one: fear. The box that contained her engagement ring, formerly on the desk, now out of sight.

In the middle of the room she stood, glancing to the couch on the right. Liam cleared his throat from behind her and she turned, facing him, unable to look him in the eye now all that she needed to say about them was said and done. “You can sit if you want to. I have a lot to say.”

“Okay,” she said, going to the couch—anything to not look at his face. She thought the pain of losing her would be the worse face she could have imagined him making. But this? The emotionless man standing before her? God, that was the worst—everything that made Liam, Liam, so kind and gentle and human—erased. Curling back into a ball, knees to her chest in Drake’s shirt, Liam pulled up a chair, some papers in his hand, setting them on the couch’s other end when he sat down, fingers laced together, head on hands.

“Jaela,” he started, then shook his head, taking a deep breath. She looked at him, nails digging into her palms. She had to face him and take control, if he couldn’t. Silences had to be end, once and for all.

“Why did you send a doctor to check up on my mental state?” she asked, point blank. That bothered her. Liam looked up, surprised. Thank god for an emotion. Now the dam could burst.

Liam gripped his knees, tapping a foot. “The nurse suggested a check-up might be good for you, since you were nearly catatonic looking at the sonogram when I first arrived and then caused a scene with Drake. We… we can’t have this conversation if you’re an emotional mess, Jaela.”

“And you think I’m not, right now?”

He sighed. “You know what I mean.”

“Fair,” she whispered, rubbing her cheek. “Okay… okay. So. Um…” The words she wanted to say got stuck, frozen behind a wall of emotion and fear. God, how could she do this? She didn’t even know what she wanted with the baby—oh, you know exactly how you feel, why are you ignoring this, now?-- if she wanted a baby, even. “We didn’t plan this. And we were irresponsible about preventing it.”

That much, obvious. But… a beginning. Liam nodded. “Yes. And… and you don’t want to marry me, making our child a bastard.” Jaela heart sunk, the pain back on his face. He was wasting no time with this issue. Could she blame him? The Liam she knew, back, but at what cost?

“Is… is there anything you can do about that?”

He sighed, deeper. “No. They wouldn’t be considered the heir and… technically, I wouldn’t be able to acknowledge their parentage. I…” He rubbed his face. “I’d suggest that you put Drake down on the birth certificate. That way, legally, there won’t be any issue.”

Oh, no. No, no, no. Jaela blinked back tears. “Liam, you can’t be serious.”

“I am,” he said. “The rules are the rules, Jaela. I don’t want that. But my hands are tied and I don’t want my child to suffer at the hands of the court because I… I didn’t think about the consequences of our actions, only about how it felt being with you.”

Jaela wiped her eyes, frowning. “No. I won’t do that. I won’t make him suffer—”

“You can do it even if he… he’s not able to be there, Jaela. We’ve can’t leave it blank, otherwise, then that draws the question of paternity into question and it could hurt us, the baby, down the road. I’m sure he’d be okay with—”

“That’s fucking insane, Liam,” she said, a cry caught in her throat. What twisted nightmare was this? Liam suggesting Drake pretend to be the father—or not even pretend, his body just a body—either comatose or buried in the cold ground—when the baby would be born. “No. I’d leave it blank.”

“Then put Maxwell—”

“Liam!”

Liam stood running a hand over his head and Jaela sat up, narrowing her eyes. “I’m being serious, Jaela, that’s what’ll happen when you have it. You need a name there, and it can’t be mine. Ideally, I’d prefer somebody we know, somebody who can cover and go along with the story.” Her jaw dropped, the sensation of feeling trapped closing in second by second. “You don’t have to be together with them, not for a long time, at least, if you don’t choose Drake. Enough to make it seem like you tried but then it didn’t work out and you’re working on co-parenting.”

“Liam, what the fuck—”

“What? It’s what’ll happen, Jaela.” He began to pace, eyebrows furrowed. “Look, it’s not what I want. No, not at all. I… we made that baby, and god I want to be there for them every second of their life, but I can’t. You two could have an apartment in the palace, so I can be the father to them as best I could behind closed doors. It… it would work. Yes. It’ll work. And they’ll get privacy, you know, not being an heir. I know you’ll like that.” He seemed to relax, shoulders less stiff, but Jaela wasn’t relaxing any less.

She just stared at him, not even bothering to wipe away the small, quiet tears that rolled down her cheeks. Liam turned, noticing her, an eyebrow high. “Jaela, it’s the best way to do this. We can be mature about it. You may have hurt me, but I want to be in your life still, as friends, as parents. It’ll take time, but I know we’ll be able to eat dinner together as friends, as a family, and everything that came before is pushed aside. I know we can. And—”

“I know how you feel about this,” she said, eyes flashing. “You want this baby. Were you happy when you found out about this baby?”

Liam glanced between her face and stomach. “Once things settled down… yeah,” Liam said, voice soft. “Overjoyed to…” He wavered, looking away from her. “Overjoyed to start a family with you.”

Jaela tilted her head, absently scratching the arm of the couch. “Do you want to know how I felt?”

Liam’s nostrils flared. No, she thought, knowing his real, internal thoughts. Because he didn’t want this conversation. He only wanted one. “Yes. And… and why you didn’t tell me, but told him. Why you aren’t willing to remedy this—”

“Because there’s more to discuss, honestly, than just me having the baby, living here, and co-parenting with you, Liam,” she snapped, standing up, chin tilted up to him. Liam’a jaw tensed and she crossed his arm, blue eyes glossy. “But let’s start from the beginning and how I feel. And… and you say you’re happy, but I don’t believe you.”

“I am—”

“The hell you are,” she hissed. Liam ground his teeth together, but the way his eyes flicked from her, his tell, proved that she was at least partly right. “Assassins, somehow, got into the palace and hurt the nobles, tried to kill me, and may have just killed Drake. Cordonia is under attack and the person who turned you down is accidently pregnant, you’re stuck in this situation of wanting to be father you want to be or serving your country, bound by stupid rules that even you can’t change. How can you be happy when you didn’t even know about the baby unt—”

“You think I didn’t have an idea?” he interrupted, approaching her, anger—just like in the hospital—back on his face. Jaela gulped.

“Then why the hell didn’t you just ask—”

“It wasn’t my place to ask if you’re pregnant, Jaela,” he said, lowering his voice—it thick with power and emotion. Jaela winced, pulling Drake’s shirt tight around her. He wasn’t wrong. “I had some thoughts here and there after our nights, wondering and hoping that we were being safe enough. I never thought it would happen, you’re right, but the moment I saw you once we got in Cordonia, before the train ride… I had an idea. You were sick. You were off. And… and that’s when I started to suspect that you might be. But…” He turned away from her, heading to the curtain, light falling on him. “I was waiting for you to tell me, to be honest—because I thought we still could talk and be honest with each other. I tried to get it out of you… but… but you didn’t and I still don’t know why.”

Jaela stood near the desk now, his copy of the sonogram on the desk, in place of the engagement ring. “At first, yeah, I was scared at the idea. But… but you know me better than anybody. I really don’t want all of this, the responsibility of a kingdom and its people on me. I… I thought it wouldn’t be my burden. But, it is and I’m accepting that, but that can’t change what I really want, a family. A real one. So… the possibility that you might be pregnant, well, I was happy. I mean, Jaela,” He turned, eyes going right to her stomach. “Aren’t you, too?”

A deep breath. “No,” she said, voice firm. Liam’s eyebrows rose in surprise.

“But—”

“I’m not happy about the baby. That’s why I ignored it for so long, denying my thoughts and fears, thinking… thinking that it would go away or… or it would be okay in the end and I wouldn’t have to worry about it.” She bit her lip. “Liam… why… why do you think it was so hard for me to tell you in the first place?” Glancing down, she smoothed the front of her tanktop, hand lingering over that curve. “How was I supposed to tell you that I’m pregnant and absolutely fucking terrified because I don’t want to be with you… and I…” There was that dangerous, lingering thought on the edge of her mind. It had always been there… but figuring out things between Liam and Drake, revealing the truth, and Drake’s current state kept it at bay, tamed, in control. But now, with all barriers down between them, it burst free, on her lips before she could process it.

“I don’t think I want this baby.”

The words, I don’t think I want this baby, was a weight lifted from her—but only to replace with a new, weight, one heavier with fear and doubt and god, her past. No, not that. Anything but that lead weight on her mind. “Jaela,” he gasped, walking up to her, eyes wide, but she turned from his, covering her mouth as the tears came. “You don’t actually think that.”

Muffled, she said, “I do,” before bowing her head, almost ashamed. Not quite, because she said the truth but she didn’t want to look at Liam, scared expression on his and her face, only her face reflecting the pain of her failures, already. “I-I I’m not ready—and I feel so damn bad for it. I drank so much when it was supposed to develop the most. I didn’t take care of myself and—”

“But nobody’s ready for a baby, Jaela. You can—”

Swift, Jaela turned, gripping Liam’s forearms, staring into his eyes. Seeing what she didn’t want—her reflection mingled with his, but god, she had to. He had to see that she wasn’t being heartless—that she was being honest on the first try with him.

“Listen to me. I don’t want this. I’m not ready.”

“Oh damn,” Jaela said, looking in the fountain, littered with coins all along the bottom. Maxwell followed suit.

“What’s wrong?” Oh, I’m 90% sure I’m pregnant with the man I just rejected child and I need to buy a pregnancy test in a fucking airport, but you know, nothing much.

“That was my lucky penny I just threw in there!” Some fucking luck. “I’ve never lost it before and…”

Maxwell’s eyes gleam and Drake groans. “Abdi, you don’t know what you’ve just done.” Ah, but I do, Drake. I’m so sorry. And Maxwell’s hand touches the water the moment she steps back, escaping the commotion he’s causing a small crowd forming by the time she exits the tiny convenience store, pregnancy test in a bag, praying nobody followed or noticed her.

In the stall, Jaela stares at the box between her hands, turning it over and over, more nervous and scared than she… well, had ever been in life. This was life changing… and yet, she couldn’t feel anything but fear and guilt as how bad she messed up everything. This was all hers too, not even Liam’s; she should have told him no, or to wear the condom, or to even find her own solutions for birth control, if she was going to be his mistress.

After a minute of turning it over, Jaela finally takes the test and then stands up, just waiting for the results, watch ticking down the seconds. The final confirmation she needed for her weeks, fuck weeks, of ignorance and denial, buried deep within her. Weeks.

She should have thought about how to break the news to Liam the moment they set foot in Cordonia. How she’ll tell Drake after her and Liam figure out what to do. She should have thought about how she felt between the two men, making a final choice then and there. She should have thought about how she felt about the baby, about what choices to make and what she wanted to do so she wouldn’t be confused or hiding away feelings and thoughts and realities until the last possible moment. There were a lot of things she should have done differently.

Instead, as the time ticked, and Jaela watched a faint plus sign start to reveal itself with pure terror building her abdomen, the bathroom more and more like a manifestation of the cage she felt trapped in, she only thought one thing, over and over, a constant loop without a break:

I’m not ready, I don’t want this, I’m not ready, I don’t want this…

Until time was up and she saw it, clear and defined—no question about it: The plus sign on the stick, Jaela muttering, “Shit”, and stumbling against the stall, the locks clattering but silenced as woman poured into the bathroom at the JFK airport.

Pregnant. Not ready. Not wanted.

No, this wasn’t supposed to be.

Disclaimer: All rights and characters belong to Pixelberry Studios.

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zorkaya-moved · 2 years

Text

happy new year from renata (pt. 2)

It's the end of the year 2022 and honestly? Fuck this year from the bottom of my heart in terms of jobs, real life, and all of that bullshit. But you know what made this year bearable and actually survivable? My friends. It's been a tough year for everyone who I've known and I want to extend my hugs, my love and my adoration for every single one of you. You're amazing, you're powerful, and I hope that your 2023 will be a fantastic year.

There are many people who I want to give a shout-out for being the amazing beans that you are. I love you all and you are absolutely gorgeous. There are some people who I want to give some heart-to-heart special messages because all of these people helped me survive this year of 2022 and I cannot thank all of you enough for this.

FUN FACT, THIS POST BROKE TUMBLR FOUR TIMES FOR ME. So this is Part 2 wit the same beginning but tumblr just denied me posting the whole post lmao.

❤ @heincus / Max — Duuuuuude, oh my god, we really just cried about Flamechasers for so long, huh? I love it. You are a creative whirlpool, Max, I admire your creativity and your passion for all of your muses. You are fucking amazing for sticking with them and developing them. And your art? Your art is so fucking good, never stop pursuing that passion of yours because it's gorgeous. Listen, you know I'm biased for Kalpas and Hokori, but in the year 2023 we better throw more characters at each other! Well, I'll throw Zarina at more of ur ocs haha.

❤ @merotm / @cryosewn / Guin — I know that I've been so all over the place when it comes to talk, but I want to tell you that you're amazing for your creativity and for your in-depth research. Be it Caiying or Yuuna, I love how you write your female characters: they are strong, vibrant, and they are unapologetic. They are also so different and I love, love, love them. I remember how we've met in the FE fandom and I'm just so glad we met again!!

❤ @eraba-reta-unmei / @maledictus-maleficus / Everi — MY MUSIC BRAIN CELL SOULMATE OH MY GOD, Everi you and I just really be sharing one galaxy brain when it comes to music, huh? I love it, I love it so much. I appreciate you so much. Be it Miya or Ayden, Zarina also adores them a whole lot even if she makes Miya sigh so many times. You are one of the people who helped me become more comfortable writing my own original oc and thank u for that. Love you!

❤ @sheyearns / Felicia — Feli~ I know we don't talk much anymore because I'm just all over the place and I just zone out a lot, but I always think of you and I'm so excited to see your twitter feed when you play games and see all of your comments. You're a sweetheart and have always been a sweetheart. Love you tons and miss you a lot!

❤ @straye / Yin — Yin, I told you how detailed you are about the social studies and your in-depth study of your characters. I love, love, love how you dive deep into your characters and how you choose your words. It's such a treat to speak with you, scream with you, and just be chill. I'm so glad that I decided to follow you because I was so nervous at first, but look at us now! We're screaming about our characters, discussing different things, and it's just sick. I hope that in 2023 we'll have even more interactions and just have a ton of fun!

❤ @lunaetis / Hina — Hina, we've known and followed each other for so long. I want to thank you for your support and your inspiration. Thank you for always interacting with Zarina and thank you for leaving such sweet comments, always. Your consistent and creative writing style is something I've always admired and the words you choose re so beautiful. I wanted to ask you how do you reach this style and what do you read, but that'll be a question for 2023, haha. Not only that, but I'm so excited about your Lumine and Zarina plots. I'll send them over and I'm just so excited to write more with you!

❤ @itorisen / Yasu — My precious Yasu, the creator of the absolute unit that is Koto Unkaku. I always wanted to tell you how colorful your muses are (just like ur amazing icons and theme). I remember how we were interacting on Cardia and you were writing Zeno, I still cry about that to this day. I also love, love, love how unapologetic Koto is about being herself: the fire, the power, the strength. I love her and I love you so much. It always makes me laugh when Koto and Zarina interact, too, it's always such a treat. ;)

❤ @al-hazen / Calis — Calis!! We've only met this year but thank you so much for being open and honest with all your opinions on the dash. I love how you write Itto, Shinobu, and Al-Haytham. You bring such a unique and different portrayal that dives so deep into each of their respective themes and you make them so different. I love it, I love it so fucking much it's so fun to read your metas and thank you for always reading my metas too. I appreciate it so much, I'm always so nervous about writing too much but thank you for always being here. Here is to more interactions in 2023!!

❤ @scarlxtleaves / Jay — Oh my god, Jay, you're an absolute unit, you know that? The amount of creativity and writing stored in you is akin to a whole universe within you. I know we haven't talked in a while, but I always think about our talks and I love seeing you on my dash. Sinrina and Ganyuha will forever by my OTPs and I really should send Zarina your other muses ways! I hope that your end of the year wasn't too chaotic and I hope that your 2023 will be a delightful time!

But that's not all!! There are so many more amazing people I've met, and I've been loving on my dash throughout 2022 and even more before that! Thank you so much for being such a bright presence in my life and thank you for being so passionate about what you are all doing. Some of you I've met at the end of 2022 and some of you I've met in the beginning of 2022, but all of you are stars and I love and I hope your 2023 will be absolutely sparkling and wonderful!

@yeonban / @kazuiji / @shadowshub / @deathleads / @dawnswine / @suiyuun / @saviata (@suender) / @lykaiia / @xamassed / @prsonatm / @aceparagon / @abyssmalice / @closedcoffins / @constellaris / @fxmiliarity / @azurescaled / @lovedloyalty / @starfallenwishes / @yagyuchan / @sekayuki / @achroanimus / @wiildcardd / @engodly / @veinblooded / @electric-ecclectic / @solaetis / @nulltune / @scarletooyoroi / @exrhlab / @pyreign / @bloodyd / @amalanexus / @cxnvicts / @gosutm / @efloresce / @aiiouros / @yoakenouta / @unmeinoniwa / @pcrdiseseekers / @femtaile / @veqva / @opalscales / @c4rdsharp and so many more of you on this amazing and fantastic dash of mine! I'm surrounded by so many talented people and just one post will not fit all of the people I'm following and who inspire me. If you're not here, please, know that I love you and you're fucking amazing. I'm just a funny scatterbrained ADHD writer who is actually crying at this point because there are so many fantastic people here and that I've known for years and who I've just met in 2022. Thank you all so much for being here and for loving Zarina.

Happy New Year! Bye 2022 and hello to 2023!

#❄ ― OUT OF CHARACTER. ╱ fun time’s passing by like river’s flow.

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