#THE URGE TO SCREAM “THAT DIDN'T HAPPEN” TO LITERALLY EVERYONE IS ALL CONSUMING

[lionheartedmusings]

oh boy, listen, the qsmp election should just be renamed the broken telephone event bc there's no way people are misrepresenting everyone's platform and to be fair character (and, a note, literally all of this is also about characters AT NO POINT DO I MEAN CCS i just get lazy typing the q! tbh) so much. maybe it's a language barrier thing, maybe it's difficulty in being the devil's advocate but it's wild to see in real time.

i watch bad religiously, try to watch as much of forever's pov i can live and what i can't i watch in vods, cellbit i catch when i can, baghera i do my best but french and me don't mix well in my head. this is coming from someone who is a native portuguese speaker and perfectly bilingual when it comes to english. i say this to illustrate that especially between the english and portuguese speakers, i'm not getting lost in buggy translations or difficulty undestanding.

do i disagree with insaneduo? yep, but that's a personal opinion. i also entirely understand not only their stance during the debates (do i enjoy it? not really, the tone — which is not aggressive, it's assertive — is anxiety inducing TO ME PERSONALLY and so i struggle) but also their platform. they're doing the best with what they've been given, and keeping your enemies close is the only thing in their opinion has truly shown any sort of result. using the federation's resources is an opportunity they can't pass up! they have great ideas, good implementation plans, and cellbit isn't even running so really, forever is doing the most as he should. i understand why he doesn't understand the anarchy route in this situation. yes, their platform has been misrepresented, but that's because ultimately what they showcase in public forums aka debates for all to see does come across as very assertive (which is what debates are for, asserting your stance) and at times a bit tunnel vision imo. listening to them properly out of the debates would do a lot to stop whatever circus has been going on.

now, i have seen an insane amount of people almost mischaracterising bad and baghera as a response to the misinterpretation of insaneduo, and that's not fair either. bad and baghera have spoken at length about their issues with presidency, how they don't want to centralise power, how they don't trust the federation and they definitely don't trust anyone who will be actively pulled around by them. are they all puppets? yes, but do you want to give power to someone who willingly or not is giving up their own strings? it's normal that they're reluctant or just blatantly refusing of that idea. they don't think insaneduo are power hungry dictators, they've in fact spoken multiple times talking about how they think BOTH cellbit and forever would be good presidents (bad specifically mentioned it even last night) but that the concern isn't them, it's the federation.

bad making a joke about helping foolish assassinate anyone other than baghera and gegg is… a joke. it's literally a silly goofy joke based on "my coalition vs everyone else" and the idea of political assassination. there's quite literally no need, and frankly imo a disservice to the relationship that bad and forever have to mischaracterise that. if i remember correctly, wasn't forever the one talking about how they should be killing each other bc it'd be fun? i might be wrong there, but i vividly remember that.

my point being, this election is ultimately an exercise in futility bc they're all fucked regardless, this isn't "giving someone power" it's the federation sticking a pacifier in their mouth for soothing and telling them they'll sleep better. it'll end terribly either way, and no character is safe. it's a ridiculous plotline but a wildly interesting one, BECAUSE it's doomed to fail and yet everyone's doing the song and dance.

enjoy the content. laugh. analyse the character dynamics, motivations and plans. don't go out of your way to mischaracterise and demonise any character bc that not only goes against everything the qsmp stands for, but it also sucks the fun out of it for you and everyone else. no one is after anyone, no one is isolating anyone to be mean to them, these people are friends playing characters who are friends. have fun! my god!

[albertasunrise]

Mistakes - Chapter 2

Part 1

Summary: You’d known it was a bad idea to get involved with Javier Peña. You were just another notch on his bedpost but you were a notch he kept revisiting. You know you should have stopped it, declined his offers to rock your world but you couldn’t and now you had to deal with the consequences. Consequences that you knew he would refuse to accept.

Warnings: References to sex, Unplanned Pregnancy, Blood and Injury, Descriptions of Childbirth

Pairings: Javier Peña x Reader

~

You were in the final month of your pregnancy. Things with Javier had been going well. You’d moved in. Decorated the room that was to be the nursery and the two of you had even started to date exclusively. Things were looking up. Connie and Steve had adopted a little girl, Olivia and you were delighted to have the chance to practice a little before your own came along, maternal instincts in full flow.

‘How's that pump working for you?’ Connie asked as she sipped her wine, watching as you finished fastening Olivia’s baby grow.

‘Wonderful thank you.’ You replied as you picked her up and rested her on your hip, grinning as she planted a sloppy kiss on your cheek ‘I don’t remember reading in any of the books you gave me that I would start lactating before she even came.’ You grumbled ‘Javi’s devastated that they’re now too sensitive for him to touch.’

‘Are you two still… you know?’

‘God I am like a sex fiend.’ You chuckled before nuzzling Olivia’s cheek ‘I thought that I wouldn't be in the mood at this point but I dunno, my hormones are just in overdrive and I want him all the time.’

‘And knowing Javi, he’s happy to provide.’

‘You cannot tell him I told you this.’ You said, your tone suddenly becoming serious.

‘What?’

‘He’s got a serious pregnancy kink.’

‘No… really?’ Connie asked as she covered her dropped jaw with her hand.

‘God yeah.’ You replied ‘The filth that comes out of his mouth about how “sexy I am, round with his baby”. He gets hornier and hornier the bigger I get.'

‘That's just…’

‘Unbelievable?’

‘I just can’t believe it.’

‘Well, it's true.’ You giggled ‘But you’re sworn to secrecy.’ You warned, pointing a single finger in her direction.

‘My lips are sealed.’ She replied, mimicking pulling a zip with her thumb and pointer finger ‘How are things? Things good?’

‘Yeah actually.’ You confirmed as you walked towards Connie’s couch and sat yourself down, positioning Olivia on your lap ‘He’s been really great. Literally runs whenever I need him. He was great when I was forced to take Maternity leave early.’

‘Oh, how are you feeling?’ Connie inquired, rubbing your arm.

‘I have good and bad days. Who knew that morning sickness was something that could come back?’ You paused, shrugging your shoulders. ‘I thought once I stopped suffering from it that that was it.’

‘Pregnancy affects everyone differently.’ Said Connie sweetly ‘But when she arrives it’ll all be worth it.’

‘Definitely.’ You replied, beaming at her as you bounced Olivia on your knee.

~

You were worried when Javier didn’t come home that night. He didn’t call. Not even Steve knew where he was. You lay there, cradling your bump, wondering if Javi was okay. If he was dead in a ditch somewhere. You didn’t sleep. You lay there staring at the ceiling until finally, in the early hours of the morning, Javier finally crawled into bed.

‘Where were you?’ You growled, taking him by surprise.

‘Did I wake you?’ He asked as he kissed you softly but you didn't return it.

‘No.’ You spat, eyes not leaving the spot they’d fixed to on the ceiling ‘Where were you?’

‘I was with Carillo.’ He replied, his tone a little nervous ‘We were staking out a potential bolt hole.’ He paused ‘Ran later than I was expecting.’

‘You could have called Javier.’ You growled, finally turning your head to look at him.

‘I left my phone in the office.’ He replied gingerly and you scoffed at that ‘Baby I’m sorry.’

‘What if I’d gone into labour Javi?’ You asked ‘What then?’

‘You’re not due for another few weeks baby.’

‘That's not the point.’ You snapped ‘She could literally come at any time. I can’t do this alone Javi, you promised me I wouldn’t have to.’

‘I know I’m sorry.’ he said, scrubbing his hand over his face ‘I promise I will keep my phone on me at all times. I have a pager now too so you can contact me on that if it's about the baby coming, send 911.’

~

Things only got worse over the next week. He got home later and later, consistently stinking of the cigarettes he smoked and the whiskey he drank. Steve was always with him so you knew that he was truly in the office late but as your due date loomed closer and closer, you started to fear that you were going to end up doing this alone.

‘Baby come on don’t do this.’ He begged as you grabbed your coat and opened the door ‘I’m sorry I’ve been getting home later but we’re really close, I can feel it.’

‘I’m really close Javi.’ You growled, turning on your heels to face him ‘I have literally 2 weeLet'sntil I’m due. Two weeks until our daughter arrives.’ You paused as tears streamed down your cheeks ‘You promised me that you’d put us first. You swore to me and I believed you, let me fall for you.’

‘Hermosa please.’

‘I need some air Javi.’ You snapped, storming out the door and down the stairs of your building.

‘You can’t be walking around at night eight, almost nine, months pregnant.’

‘Uh, I can.’ You growled, not even turning your head to look at him as you continued to walk.

‘Please cariño. Lets just go home and talk about this.’

‘Nothing to talk about Javi.’ You growled, continuing to stomp on.

‘Hermosa please.’ He yelled and you stopped in your tracks, shoulders heaving ‘I’m sorry. Sorry that I haven’t been there but works been so hectic and I-.’ You start to turn, mouth opening as you started to speak.

‘Javi I-‘ You stop dead, eyes growing wide.

‘What?’

The gunshot echos through the evening air. You stare at him and he stares back at you, his eyes then drifting down to see his off white button-up gradually turning red.

‘JAVI.’ You scream as you sprint to his side, remarking the gunman sprinting away ‘Javi, baby, stay with me.’ You pleaded as you pull off your coat and press it down onto his stomach.

‘FUCK!.’ He yells, eyes shooting open as your action tore him away from the darkness that had tugged at his consciousness ‘Cariño… you need to get out of here.’

‘I’m not leaving you.’ You sobbed, hands shaking as you looked around and you realised that you’d not made it far from your apartment building.

You started to scream, as loudly as you can, for someone to help you. You scream until your voice goes hoarse and just when you start to lose hope that someone will help you notice a familiar blonde figure sprinting towards you.

‘SHIT!’ He shouted as he came to a stop at your side ‘What the fuck happened?’

‘He’s been shot.’ You sobbed.

He made some calls on his phone before he finally dropped to your side, taking over placing pressure on Javier’s wound as you then tried your best to comfort him. A thin layer of sweat covered his skin and you noticed he’d started to shiver, eyes hooded and heavy as he tried to keep himself awake.

‘Steve he’s going into shock.’ You said, voice shaking as your stroked some of the sweat-slick hair away from his brow ‘Help’s coming baby.’

You hold his hand and sob, cursing yourself for leaving the house.

Why had you left the house?

The EMTs arrive a short while after, pulling you and Steve away so they could work on Javi whilst throwing medical jargon in Spanish back and forth that you and Steve managed to catch only the odd word here and there. You are both ushered into the Ambulance where you resumed holding his hand whilst Steve stared at him with wide eyes, knee bouncing nervously as he watched the stuttered rise and fall of his partner's chest. No words were exchanged, he didn’t even look at you he just continued to watch his partner as the ambulance sped through the now emptied streets of Bogota.

The ambulance came to an abrupt stop and the doors swung open to reveal a flurry of Medical staff awaiting your arrival. Javier’s gurney was pulled from the vehicle and wheeled into the hospital where he was then taken to a large room filled with a vast array of different medical equipment. Steve had flashed his badge and the doctors and nurses just let the two of you follow but you were ushered into the corner and forced to watch as they attempted to stabilise him. Alarms start to blare and your stomach dropped, the buzz of activity around the man you loved getting more hectic as a nurse finished up inserting a tube in his throat whilst another attached a bag to the end of it, proceeding to pump air into his dormant lungs as the doctor prepped a machine you most certainly recognised.

‘Javi.’ You sobbed as your knees buckled but Steve caught you before you fell to the floor ‘Javi please.’

SHOCK.

You watch his body arch and your blood goes cold, all colour draining from your face.

SHOCK.

His body arches from the bed again and your eyes roll back, darkness consuming you as you collapse into Steve’s arms.

~

You knew what was happening when it started and you'd sobbed as the contractions got closer and closer together but Connie held your hand as she desperately tried to soothe you. When the time came you were moved to a different room. A room you didn't want to be in. Not yet.

‘I can’t have her now Con.’ You wailed ‘Not without him.’

‘Sweetie she’s coming.’ She said gently, stroking some sweat-slick hair from your brow ‘You need to push Hunny. Please push.’

The doctor between your legs desperately tried to urge you to push along with Connie but you didn’t want to. You didn’t want to have this baby without him. He should be there with you, holding your hand as you pushed your baby girl into the world like he'd said but instead you were here and he was undergoing life-saving surgery.

You let out a guttural scream as you were finally forced to push, tears streaming down your cheeks as you desperately tried and deliver your daughter.

‘That's it. You’re doing great.’ Connie said, resting her forehead against yours as you let out another scream as you pushed again ‘One more hun, one more and she’ll be here.’

One more you gave.

You pushed like your life depended on it and you were rewarded with the sound of your daughters cries. It was the most wonderful sound you’d ever heard and for a moment you let yourself revel in it, sobbing as you were handed your daughter. She was small but healthy and Connie assured you that she’d be fine despite being a few weeks early. You studied her carefully and all you could see was him. She already had his hair, surprisingly long and curly and her skin was sun-kissed.

‘She’s beautiful.’ Connie said, placing a friendly kiss on your temple before gazing back down at her.

‘She looks just like him.’ You choked, unable to hold your sorrow back any longer ‘He should be here.’

~

You sat watching him as you cradled your infant in your arms. You’d been discharged the following day but had refused to leave, wanting to remain at Javi’s side until he woke up. He was still in surgery when you’d finished delivering your daughter, the bullet having torn a hole right through him and leaving mayhem in his wake. He was still hooked up to the ventilator, the machine breathing for him so that his body could focus its efforts on healing. You’d been told by the doctors that he was stable and that his chances were favourable but that hadn’t given you the hope that you needed. He wasn’t out of the woods yet.

‘Hun?’ Came a soft voice, averting your attention away from your lover to the doorway where Connie stood with an older man ‘This is Chucho.’ She clarified as she gingerly stepped inside with him right behind her ‘He’s-.’

‘Javier’s father.’ You interrupted, giving him a sad smile before glancing down at your still sleeping baby ‘He’s told me a lot about you, sir.’

‘Please, no need to be so formal.’ He replied, waving his hand at you ‘You and I are tied by blood now. Call me Chucho or even pops if you'd like.’

His kindness brought a genuine smile to your face and you nodded at him before pushing yourself to your feet, wincing from the soreness you still suffered.

‘Is this her?’ He asked as you stepped towards him, beaming at the tiny creature in your arms.

‘Yeah.’ You replied ‘This is her.’

‘Javi wouldn’t stop gushing about how excited he was on the phone.’ He started and the sad smile returned to your face ‘I know he was an idiot in the beginning but he…’ He drifted off as his eyes locked onto his son laying in the bed behind you ‘Oh Javier.’ He sobbed as he walked past you and to his side, taking his hand.

‘I’ll give you a few minutes alone with him.’ You said as you turned to leave and Chucho looked up at you.

‘Stay Mija.’ He said softly, holding out his hand to you ‘Please.’

You sat for some time with few words being passed between you. The doctors came by and after explaining who Chucho was, they'd updated him and you on the agent's condition. He’d remained relatively stony about the whole situation, clearly a man that did not like to put his emotions out there for the whole world to see.

‘I need to feed her.’ You said upon noticing that the baby was getting restless in her Moses basket, something that Steve and Connie had kindly bought you.

‘That’s fine Mija.’ He said sweetly ‘Nothing I haven’t seen before but I can leave if you’d rather be alone?’

‘No, it’s fine.’ You replied, smiling at him as you scooped up the baby up and carried her back to your chair, nodding in thanks when Chucho threw a blanket over your shoulders to give you a little privacy as she started to suckle at your breast.

‘She’s strong despite being early.’ He said as he watched her little legs kick.

‘Takes after her dad.’ You reply, watching as she ate ‘God this feels so strange.’ You chuckled and Chucho reciprocated.

‘My wife said the same thing when feeding Javi.’ He stated, glancing at his son ‘She struggled at first with him. He didn’t seem to want to latch but once he did, well there was no stopping him.’

You laughed at that, imagining a tiny little Javier turning his nose up at breasts. He certainly didn’t now.

‘He’ll pull through Mija.’ Said Chucho, pulling you from your reverie ‘You are going to be a family. He just needs to rest for a while.’

‘I know.’ You replied, eyes settling on Javi as your daughter continued to feed ‘I know.’

Over the next week, you got to know Chucho well. He cooed over your daughter, taking any opportunity he could to cuddle her and who were you to deny him that? He was her grandfather after all. Javier was then taken off the ventilator and you’d all held your breath, saying a silent prayer as you willed him to take a breath on his own and he had. Now his breathing was assisted with just a nasal cannula, his chest movements all his own but he still hadn’t woken up. The doctors told you both to talk to him, that people in a coma can often hear you and so as the days continued to go by, that's what you did along with Chucho.

‘So someone's been a particularly greedy girl today.’ You said as you perched on the edge of the bed ‘She’s definitely got an appetite.’ You continued ‘I wonder who she got that from.’ You asked, quirking an eyebrow at him.

Nothing.

‘Chucho’s gone to grab some sleep and shower. I said that he was welcome to use my apartment for as long as he needed.’ You paused, eyes glancing up at him ‘He loves her. Can’t get enough of her.’ You continued as you looked down at the sleeping infant in your arms ‘Oh Javi you need to wake up and meet her. She’s tiny but so perfect. Plus we need to give her a name. We never settled on one.’

Still nothing.

‘She has your hair and the most beautiful gold skin, I reckon it’ll get darker too as she gets a little older. Too early to tell whose eyes she has but I think she’ll probably have yours. She’s a little mini-me of you.’

He remains silent.

‘Come on Javi it's been two weeks.’ You grumbled ‘How much more sleep do you need?’ You looked at him expectantly ‘Javi I know you’re tired. I know you’re tired of fighting but I need you to fight for us.’

A groan made you jump and your eyes grew wide as Javier started to fidget, eyes scrunching as more groans escaped his lips.

‘Javi?’’ You asked, cradling the baby with one arm and taking his hand with your free one ‘Baby you with me?’

‘Where am I?’ He rasped, eyes cracking open and scanning his surroundings before coming to settle on you ‘What are you doing here?’

‘You were shot Javi.’ You stated as you gave his hand a squeeze ‘You’ve been in a coma for nearly three weeks.’

You saw the cogs in his mind whirring as he tried to process what you’re telling him but there was also something else in his eyes that scared you. Something that you didn’t want to be the case.

‘Javi I had the baby.’ You stated, lifting her slightly so he could see her ‘Meet your daughter.’

‘I don’t have a daughter!’ He growled, his tone suddenly angry ‘I don’t know who you are.’ He snapped, heart rate increasing ‘Who are you?’

‘Javi? It’s me, baby.’ You sobbed, telling him your name ‘We’ve been together for almost a year. You accidentally got me pregnant but after being a complete douche about it at the beginning you realised you wanted her. Our daughter. You wanted us.’

‘I don’t know you.’ He yells and you flinched, tears streaming down your cheeks as the baby started to wail.

‘Javi please.’ You sobbed but you were soon pulled out of the room so that the nurses and doctors that had entered could check him over.

You rocked the baby in your arms in an attempt to stop her cries, your own tears staining her pink onesies. The doctor emerged a little while later, steering you towards a seat and sitting beside you.

‘He appear to be suffering from memory loss.’ He started in broken English ‘He gone through a lot. It may be from the arresting that it caused some memory loss. It should return with time but need to be gentle with him.’

‘He doesn’t remember me.’ You sobbed ‘He doesn’t remember that we were having a baby together.’

‘That will return with time.’ He replied ‘Patience.’

With that, he left and you gingerly stepped back onto the room, a nurse still inside checking over his IV as he stared at the Moses basket in the corner. You weren’t sure what to do. Should you stay if he doesn’t remember you? Or should you leave and get Chucho to stay with him?

‘Doc tells me that you’ve been here the whole time.’ He says, not taking his eyes off of the basket ‘Said that you and the baby have slept here every night. That my father has been here.’

‘Yes.’

‘Who are you?’ He growled ‘And how have you managed to fool people into thinking that's my kid?’

‘Because she is Javi!‘ You snapped ‘Look at her!’ You say, laying her in his arms ‘Look at her and tell me she isn’t yours.’

Look at her he does and despite having no recollection of you he had felt drawn to you but now as she lay in his arm, he felt especially drawn to her. He looked at her and she looked at him, tiny orbs staring up at him and he smiled.

‘Why don’t I remember?’

‘What is the last thing you remember?’ You asked, taking a seat on the chair beside his bed.

‘Um... I just got a new partner. Steve.’ He stated, glancing at you before returning his gaze to the baby in his arms.

‘Javi that was a year ago.’ You stated ‘You and I met a month or so after he arrived. Practically collided with each other in the hall. I’m a secretary at the embassy. We went out one night and I ended up falling into your bed then it happened again... continuously.’

‘Then she happened?’ He asked, motioning to your daughter.

‘Then she happened.’ You replied, a small smile gracing your lips ‘She’s becoming a right grandpa’s girl you know?’ You chuckled ‘Got him wrapped around her teeny finger’

‘Well we can’t have that can we?’ He said as he looked down at her ‘If I’m your daddy then I need to be the favourite.’ He said to her with a softness that you'd never seen before.

‘Oh, I’m sure you will be.’ You piped up, grinning at him as he let his eyes settle on you again.

‘I’m sorry.’ He said suddenly and you gave him a bemused look.

‘What for?’

‘For not remembering you.’

~

Javier was discharged a few days later but his memories were yet to return. He felt drawn to the baby though and so he accepted her readily but you... You he still a little wary of. He felt something for you. A longing that he couldn't explain and it scared him. It was like his body remembered who you were to him, what you were to him but his mind was keeping that a secret from him. Upon entering his apartment he didn’t recognise the place he’d come to call home. There were photos of the two of you on the wall, ultrasounds images stuck to the fridge and toys everywhere. The spare room had been decorated and adorned with furniture for the baby.

‘When did you do all this?’ He asked, holding his daughter close to his chest.

‘We did this together a few months ago after agreeing your apartment was the better one to live in.’ You stated, clearing a few items ‘My apartments across the hall. Your dad's been staying there. I’ll go fetch him. Let him know you're home.’

Javi simply nodded, watching as you left before turning his attention back to his daughter who was starting to squirm against his shoulder. He supported her head as she leant herself back a little to look at him, her mouth open in a tiny ‘o’ that made him grin at her.

‘You hungry Hermosa?’ He asked as her eyes grew comically wide ‘Well mummy will be back in a moment.’ He paused, his heart sinking as he looked around at the home that he’d clearly shared with you for months but had no recollection of your time together.

‘Hello, son.’ Came a similar voice and Javier glanced up to see his father stood next to you, a smile crossing his face as he took in his son holding his daughter.

‘Pops.’ He replied, nodding his head slightly.

~

Chapter 3

[kilsyandcakething-blog]

Introduction into motherhood. (i took this because i believe people should see what it looks like in real life) It's ugly and it hurts okay.

Before even opening my eyes.. i was already consciously awake and dreading opening them to see the window, the new day starting knowing that it was possibly gonna be a day robbed from me. Then that would mean that i was obligated to try and use my little to no energy to be strong today and not let this depression win. Perfect morning right. My eyes almost automatically started filling up with tears. I wanted to get mad at the emotion because it seemed as though my eyes already knew what the plan was for the day. NOOOO. Not today please just leave me alone, today is Friday, please. That's what i was trying to tell my mind as if it was supposed to make my brain clock out and go back to sleep or something. Nope. The urge to violently cry took over and i just put my wet face under the covers. I was so angry that i was crying! I didn't want to have to cry today, i didn't want to wrestle today. But now we're here right and i have to feel everything. Whatever. I just kept feeling like i didn't belong in these moments of anguish...There has to be a mistake and i woke up in a nightmare...where the fuck is the reset button, the swap button whatever button to escape. I was panicked and desperate and in so much pain. I think that if i could of yelled my cry out, this house would shatter like it was made out of glass. The drowning was happening too fast. Covering my face while hating everything around me, i think existing was just too difficult. I was relieved knowing she was sleeping but i also hated that it meant i had to let everything out in these moments because she would be waking up in the next 15 minutes. Knowing she was waking up soon forced me to let my vulnerability really take over. I mean, like really take over. I knew a deep cry was coming so i let the covers stay over my face and held my face with both hands...let it all out. It literally felt like all of my pain was trying to break through my face and my hands would hold my face together so that it didn't get out and burn the house down. It felt like that's all i could do to hold myself together. Hoping hard that i wouldn't wake her up or burden anybody else around me.

Mind says; This whole depression is your fault! If you didn't get the urge to be a mother like you knew you shouldn't of, we wouldn't be here! You’re an idiot for thinking that you were going to escape me!!!!!! You should know that i will always win and be ahead of you! You should of not been a mother in the first place!!!!!!!! You let yourself believe you were allowed to be a mother like everyone else when you're nothing like anyone whos good. YOU SHOULDN’T HAVE GOTTEN PREGNANT TO RUIN YOUR DAUGHTERS LIFE!.....This is why you don't get to be happy or feel good, punishment.

My internal voice is screaming these things. I felt so horrible and guilty for existing in everyone's life around me. Like i didn’t belong here, i was just a giant mistake and that i was worst than my parents. WHY? Why can’t this darkness just leave me alone already?! I didn’t ask for this, i just wanted to be a mom. That's it. I didn’t want to wake up and have this shit bully me out of living every fucking day....hitting me into the corner, into mush until i say I GIVE UP, YOU WIN! A.K.A...just disappear already and get out of everyone's life. Die. I don’t think I'll ever fully understand why my introduction into motherhood had to be this way. Why it had to unfold this way. I thought i was meant to be a mom, i wanted it so bad...i worked extra hard to make sure i was okay to be one. And now im left feeling like i was wrong. Maybe this isn’t for me. Why can’t i just love my baby girl the way I had always dreamed? I know this is temporary. I do. But temporary easily feels like forever and a day when you have to fight physical and emotional pain.....it feels like never ever when you can’t seem to understand why you are still alive. So yeah.

I hate these types of mornings. They are incredibly draining. The first 30 minutes of my day. Then she woke up and was smiling at me...she wasn’t fussing or being impatient...she just smiled at me and wiggled in excitement. I picked her up, hugged and kissed her face with a wet nose. She hugged me back. I love her in ways i didn’t know existed. Wish that feeling could save me and take me away from this darkness. It took me a little too long to call my him....i knew he was at work. I felt it was incredibly stupid to call him and burden him with my pain. But i called, I MADE myself call. I told myself that if i didn't try then that would mean this shit really won today. He always makes me feel better. I felt a little undeserving of him. See, random guilt in everything. But like my therapist tells me often “ feelings lie..even though they are valid, they are not reality “. I want the real kilsy back. What makes this taste so bad is that it feels as though i am in a room full of water. Deep, dark water. The kind of water you can’t see through so you wouldn’t feel safe sticking your foot in. The real me is in the corner on a shelf with the door to escape across the room. Maybe not the farthest distance away....all i gotta do is swim to get ot the door and escape the darkness. But i don’t know how to swim, i know the water is much deeper than i would ever feel comfortable being in, and i don't know what could happen to me since i can't see through the water. I don’t know what terrifying things are waiting for me to get in. I'm desperate for the door....i want to leave so bad. But i stay...on the shelf, in the corner, ball up and cry... im so scared of dying and not making it out to her..to him. To everyone who make me happy. So what do i do now. Just sit on the shelf wrestling every day. Some days feeling more daring than others to swim and make it....and others consumed by the fear that my shelf is gonna break soon. i hate these kinds of days. Therapy has been increased to once a week. Glad i have that to assist me through this. To my family (the one i built, not the biological one) who is also there to always remind me that i matter. To tell me i am an amazing mother even when i don’t believe it, they’ll repeat it. Mornings sometimes start with tears before anything else.

I'm here though.