#The worst part is I cant actually kms bc of this until at least after May is here cause I know that she's good with that stuff

[cartoonghosts]

everything is terrible actually

[coridallasmultipass]

Vent / personal / tmi / menstruation / endometriosis / long post ... Im so fucking sick of healthcare professionals telling me to just wait it out and pushing my problems onto other doctors I just got my 5th shot of lupron and have 1 more next month. On my appointment last week i told the gyn how ive been having much more cramping and tissue but not blood coming out regularly and he said its possible the combined lupron and norethindrone are making my uterine lining too thin, and to stop the norethindrone (it was being prescribed to help any menopause-like side effects the lupron can have) And less than 24 hours after my first missed dose i get a full blown period complete with extreme mood swings and depression Im not bleeding this week but im still cramping and the mood swings are so fucking bad, being chronically ill and not getting enough relief from any of my medications is making all of this worse but im literally breaking down over any little thing The lupron and norethindrone combined i guess have been suppressing all my emotions bc this is what it was like on the daily before i started it (just not as bad) which is telling me that none of my psych meds are working but whatever I just now got off the phone with my psych and he said he doesnt want to do anything with my meds or dosing bc he says its related to hormones and thats what my gyn needs to address and i Need To Wait im fucking sick of waiting i cant do this ive been waiting since last august!!!!!!! I now have to wait 2 more whole months of mood swings until i can have another appointment with him hes refused to actually screen me for adhd too and says its bc im An Artist type that im not able to sit down and draw anything since last fall like i fucking hate him and he never gets my name or pronouns right and i cant go see a new psych bc of all the closures and i dont wanna call my gyn bc he said if things get worse i need to have a pelvic ultrasound done again and i cant do it!!! I fucking cant do it it hurts too much im too traumatized from depoprovera and mirena that i cant even touch myself without extreme dysphoria and fear that im going to cramp Its killing me that as someone who was so personally sexual to completely be traumatized from the road to an endometriosis diagnosis that i can no longer masturbate or even talk about sex without anxiety and being trans on top of it hurts even more Next gyn appt is my last injection of lupron and im really gonna push to plan for a partial hysterectomy (i only had endo cysts on the back of my uterus but it was 100% confirmed with surgery and biopsy) so i hope it will help so i can stop taking all these fucking hormonal medications like Before being diagnosed i was really planning on going on testosterone but now im too scared because i feel like it would really fuck up my health problems more - mentally and physically Ive given up on passing and am trying to focus on body acceptance especially now that ove had rapid weight gain that isnt being addressed by any of ky doctors i bring it up to God im just trying to vent here but seriously Do not take the diagnosis of endometriosis lightly its super serious to go forth with any treatments and you really have to commit to long term treatments and its a gamble either way For me not starting any treatments was unacceptable i needed help with extreme monthly periods and all forms of birth control ive tried exacerbated symptoms and never stopped bleeding - i literally cannot personally recommend any form of medical birth control bc every one has fucked me over, many different pills at different points in my life, shot (depoprovera gave me debilitating cramps and i bled non stop all 3 months which started this whole journey to diagnosis), iud (iud was the worst i had to go to the er bc the gyn refused to give me pain meds and i was screaming in pain a few hours later unBle to move or think - i really cannot stress enough how painful and long insertion is like it was the longest 5-10 minutes of my life crying while it felt like a knife going through me) I really dont want that ultrasound tho ffs i had to get the first one done while i was in full force cramps during my depoprovera shot and the pelvic ultrasound rod is humongous and they dig it around inside you (i already had a painful and hard time trying to have pleasurable penetration even by myself or with partners) and it takes like 40 minutes of jumbling around your insides for them to document every thing like at least at that time i was only like 2 months from my last time jerking off but now its been almost 6 months of me not even thinking about putting more than one finger in to clean myself in the shower like to go right into an huge ultrasound is going to be so painful and anxiety inducing and i cant do it id rather go straight into surgery My biggest phobias have to do with pain around this part of my anatomy i cannot stress enough how long ive wanted a hysterectomy just so i dont have to fear accidentally getting p r e g... like i would literally kms... i would probably be able to handle the pain of cutting off my arm with a rusty knife better than extreme cramping pain like i had with the iud or ultrasound its such a phobia and now its source of trauma for me from everything ive gone through the last 6 months Having to readjust my life goals from doing p o r n as a hobby and wanting to transition and be who i am, to becoming a vegetable and trying to cope with the fact that i cant ever transition how i hoped Everything just really sucks for me right now and i have literally no social life any more, not even online bc im so stressed about my health and my attention is so bad i cant focus on a convo online, my laptop is about at its grave so all i have is a phone and xbox with bare minimum internet speed.. i live in the middle of nowhere and cant get my license bc the person who was guiding me to drive is an essential worker in a hospital so i cant go in their car any more... im just so fucking alone i cant do anything except break my back gardening and then cry about it later bc my fucking meds dont fucking work!!!!!!!!! Oh thats another thing im also dealing with fucking gerd on top of all this and i cant get the proceedure i need done to confirm if i need surgery or not bc the fucking lockdown!!!! So im stuck taking pantoprazole (been trying similar meds since march 2019 and its currently june 2020!!!!!!) I just want to eat tomatoes and chocolate again it fucking kills me if i dont take pantoprazole i will lose my voice and have such a sore throat and ears from the stomach acid and i know im gonna have to stop it for 2 weeks for one of the tests i need done and its going to be literal hell like it feels worse than strep throat ill probably do the thing where i start choking and coughing at night bc it gets so bad Im a fucking mess like why couldnt all of this happen one at a time I really want to get my belly pierced again bc i feel so naked without it but i cant bc i probably will be having 2 surgeries once covid blows over (if it ever does) Sorry for taking up so much dash space im just really hurting and need some outlet bc therapy isnt helping rn

[bigbrotherorre]

EPISODE EIGHT: “THIS WEEK SUCKS I HATE TWISTS” - BRYCE RACE AGAINST TIME WEEK! EVICTED: BLAKE - 7 TO 4

RANDY AND KAT ARE BACK BITCHES https://media.giphy.com/media/Y9S9jOb7b1LQA/giphy.gif AND I lived to see a 3-part comp that I can actually do well in?? Oh it's over for these hoes and my dog days are behind me https://media.giphy.com/media/MeHQtCSZ46bRe/giphy.gif

I AM SO SAD ME AND BLAKE ARE GOING TO BE NOMMED BC WE SUCK AT CHALLENGES ARE ARENT RATS!! SO SAD IM CRYING BLAKE IS SUCH A KING AND IF WE HAVE TO BE FINAL NOMS TOGETHER IM GONNA KMS!!! SOOOO SAD IM CRYING AHHHHHHHHHHHH EVERYTHING THAT COULD GO WRONG WENT WRONG AND ITS UP TO MY DUMB BRAIN TO DO THE LOGIC PUZZLE BUT I CAN NOT SO UHHHH RIP US WILLL I STAY OVER HIM WHOMST KNOWS!!!

if i had a heart this week would break it

Hola did you miss me? So I didnt record or make a goodbye DR because I knew there was justice within this universe. I knew my eviction was unjust and thats why I''m back because I have a vendetta to settle and I'm not going to leave until I'm successful. Yes ladies you heard it here, its time to cut the throat of bitches who thought double crossing me was okay. And newsflash: it isn't a good idea to fuck me over. I hated the amount of bullshit I had to endure when I came back into this house. Everybody said "omg I miss u" but the only people who were genuine about it were Jose, Autumn, Ali, and Dennis the rest these bitches were just being diplomatic. And that just shows true character. So since I'm back im going to go through the current cast list as of right now. Ali: A british legend he has been genuine the whole time throughout this game and I'm going to work with him especially since not only is he easy to convince but he is amazing to talk to. Alivia: I can't trust her and I'm not going to. However I will play a little stupid and just make it look like I want to work with her. She is just such a strong personality that if she rubs me the wrong way I'll fucking lose my shit nonetheless. She is no different then any other floater just trying to ease her braindead gameplay by voting in the majority in every round. She has lacked a backbone throughout this whole game, and its not going to grow anytime soon Ashvika: Inactive and not interesting. In HOS she was overrated, and playing with her in this game just proves that she should've stayed out of this community. The worst floater within this cast, and I'm hoping she gets killed in the early jury. Autumn: Literally a queen within this game. She is so forgiving, and lovable. She understands me so well and I'm not going to turn my back on her. She kept me which wouldve fucked her over if I didnt come back. So now that I'm back im hoping our agendas will align and we can fuck over those people first. Blake: He evicted me, so i'm not going to trust him, and I'm not going to be his little bitch anymore. But I'm going to make it look like I need him more than ever. Because once im through with Zeezo and Bryce I'm going to have to go after Alivia/Lynn or Sammy/John. He is nominated this week against Bryce so i need him to actually be a good gameplayer and make sure he stays this week. Bryce: I cant trust him. Ever since Nicholas Julia I just have to think its either Bryce or Zeezo. So I'm hoping that with this week I can have an easy time evicting him and then its guns out on taking out Zeezo. Dennis: One of the reeasons I was nominated week 6 was because he was petty. But that shows that his emotion = his gameplay.  So since I'm back I can make a good connection with him. If I can keep up with him and if I know how he feels I'll know how he will play. I have no need to betray him, and I'm hoping in creating a trustworthy ally within him. He's active but I dont think he has cemented himself within any group in this game yet. John: I tried to make a f2 with him to secure his vote. Sister voted me out anyways so I'm not going to trust him ever again. Everytime I talk to him about game he just asks all these questions and shit. I see right through his bullshit because I know a snake when I see one. I put too much trust into him, and he backstabbed me. I'm not going to fuel our relationship, but I will be nice for the time being. I need him to evict Bryce this week so I'm just going to be a good guy with him, and then later into the game kill him for the little bitch he is. Jose: I dont talk to him as much as I want to but I still trust him a lot. He is a good ally, but I just hope he shows more of his potential as a player soon. I want to work with him so im going to continue to be honest and transparent with him. Lynn: I guess she's only social with a handful of people like...... gtfo sister is dry as hell still. She evicted me, and like thats cool. I'm not going to work with her and she is totally at the bottom of my totem pole. Randy: A king... who never goes Prejury Sammy: Out of all the people who talked to me when I came back I knew he was the most nervous when it came to talking to me. He loves appeasement, and makes people know that everything he does isnt with the intention of hurting. Its believable kissass, but for right now I'll buy it. Keep on selling it Sammy. Me and him had an interesting conversation because he thinks im going to target him alongside bryce and zeezo. And I told that I'm tunnel visioned onto Bryce and Zeezo and that now is a grace period ffor him to be on my good side. He's going to be a threat nonetheless near the end, but I need to be good with him since I don't see him leaving anytime soon. Zeezo: I think she's the person who framed me, and if she isnt then i guess I just wasted my time. I would love to take her out, and i would love to get my revenge. I will never trust her, and I will make sure she knows I won't stop until she is evicted. Eviction is tomorrow. I'm pushing for Bryce to leave. The votes Blake has to keep him are me, autumn, alivia, sammy, and probably john. I'm going to talk to Dennis, Ali, and Jose tomorrow and hint to them that I'm evicting Bryce and if they want to work with me that would be the best opportunity to do so. After that I will have to win HoH. I need this HoH because if I don't win it. Its probably going to be Zeezo who wins it. And if neither of us wins it then it  gives Zeezo a window of time to change the dynamics of the game to her favor. And whoever wins hoh will fucking waste it on a floater. And the floaters in this game are my lifeline,..... I'm a the Florax..... i speak for the floaters. Thats all you missed right now...... I hope to win hoh and if I dont then prejury here i come again xx  

i love everyone coming to me to inform me that autumn and ali are voting to keep bryce when i already knew that we were making that decision together :))) i also love hearing the "you and i are on the bottom" speech from everyone who realizes they're not that important in the majority alliance 

THIS WEEK SUCKS I HATE TWISTS Ali- so fake i thought we were a duo but apparently this decision really is hard for him and hes prob evicting me. i would never have voted him out so im just shocked and upset that he so seemingly easily votes me out. he also makes me feel bad that hes voting me? like what kind of move is that. edit: chose to save me in the end still fake tho. Alivia- I love her so much im so glad our connection is really pulling through and shes choosing me over LAB (unless she isnt in which case choke). my secret weapon <3 edit: i was writing this as eviction happened and while on call alivia tells me she voted me b/c she thinks im going home well i stayed 7-4 so think again you fake f2ing FREAK!! Ashvika- Always so honest with me and i love that and hoping shes still honest that shes with me. shes been not on for a while tho so im scared but im hoping that its nothing to worry about :s Autumn- we never work together and i tried to campaign to her but idk if it worked but either way i cant be mad b/c i never put in the work earlier and i tried to vote her out a bunch so itd be hypocritical LOL Blake- MY KING IM SO SAD WE ARE NOMMED TOGETHER if we hadnt messed up counting we wouldnt be going home. im so sad, someone who i never thought id want gone this early it sucks that these are the final noms :/ Dennis- he has been here with me through the whole eviction and has campaigned for me i literally love him so much like he is REAL and some of these houseguests could take a lesson from the KING himself!! Honestly im gonna listen to some linkin park if i survive just to honor him John- king!! i love him if he saves me, if he doesnt im hurt but hes still a king. like i feel like i  have the most fun convos with him and hes always so funny plus he tells zeezo things and she tells me things so it keeps me informed Jose- depending on the hour a king or a flop. he said he always was keeping me but then i hear he isnt but in the end he is? well at least an hour and half before eviction. he is so wishy washy hes ali but wasnt as close to me so im less  hurt. Lynn- i know shes saving blake so im not hurt shes still a queen <3 lynns world and we're living in it <3 Randy- Julia Nicole rigged for him to come back he wants me out and can choke but he can keep trying cuz I aint leaving Sammy- maybe the fakest person ever. its now like after eviction and HoH so I have some thoughts. he is vague with me the second im nommed talking about hes scared of randy. then he just plans to vote me and doesnt mention it to me??? and i know the whole time and i give him opportunities to talk to me and confess, but no he stays quiet. Then when he sees im safe he msg's zeezo like ahh everyone lied to me, and im like GOOD glad you know how it feels. now after i won hoh he is trying to spin it that he knew i was staying and just wanted to vote me to seem separated from me/zeezo/him trio thats been speculated. like??? he didnt know i was staying and he was just scared of randy!! like just be honest and dont lie to me now that im hoh and ur scared i know you lied already!! idk hes just :@ i was never gonna target him and he threw me under the bus to save himself so quick and easy. Zeezo- the loml. she did so much work to keep me safe. first she came to me with the plan to pretend to be on the fence with ppl so that it would look like we arent close. (something sammy just forgot to do???) and then once she found out sammy was backstabbing me she leaked it to jose and jose was able to convince ali who was able to convince autumn to save me!! she helped me throughout the whole game and i wanna go to the end with her even tho i dont think its mutual... but i love her so much!!

JURY VIDEO

CAST ASSESSMENT

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