#Then so be it. they cant live with this constant aching guilt anymore. They will bring them back or die trying.

[rigginsstreet]

If u feel able pls tell me about fps full blown relapse 🤧

to jump right to the point: hes trying to drink himself to death. it’s like he’s testing god, daring him to do something. because fps got this weird fucked up guilt over the fact that even though hes the one whos spent his entire life fucking up and making mistake after mistake and burning all his bridges, hes still alive but fred isnt. he was ready to go a long time ago. hell, he thought it was a miracle he made it out of his 20s. everything else has just felt like borrowed time. fred was supposed to get the long life, was supposed to grow old and see his grandkids and maybe even a great grandkid or two. fp was supposed to get the early grave. 

and on top of that he just.... doesnt know how to live in a world without fred. even when they were fighting fred was still there in the periphery. but this is the first time freds been really truly gone and fp cant process that. and its the worst pain he’s ever felt in his life.

so he drinks. and he drinks. and when that isn’t helping he drinks some more. until he’s numb, until he passes out, until he cant form a thought coherent enough to let him remember. but it never works. because freds always there, somewhere, in the back of fps mind. he cant get out of bed most days, has locked himself in the basement in the dark and sometimes its almost enough for him to believe hes not even here anymore. 

but sometimes it gets to be too much living in that house on elm street, having that constant reminder right next door, and fp has to flee. he’ll spend hours aimlessly driving around town or walking to nowhere in particular until his feet hurt. he spends a lot of time on the south side. its the only place in riverdale that isnt completely haunted with the ghosts of fred but even then, theres enough remnants of their past to keep fp aching. but its the lesser of two evils, in his mind. and its got the only bars in town thatll keep supplying him long past his limits. 

and hes getting into fights all the time. fights he knows he cant win because hes always too drunk to even stand up straight but thats the point. but hes so angry and irritable now. and when hes not hes just quiet. practically catatonic. doesnt want to bother with anyone and doesnt want anyone bothering with him. 

he never thought he’d have to face a life without fred. it was one of those things he just assumed would always be around. and hes mad at himself for wasting so much being mad at fred over shit that was his fault. its time he’ll never get back. he thought theyd have forever to make it up and its really done a number on him realizing that forevers gone and hes never getting it back

[entitynotincluded]

April 5th 2019;

2:56 am/4:05 am

I cant sleep and my whole body is physically aching. All these people that hurt me keep cycling through my mind.

First my dad... Luis... Why could you never show me love or even that you were proud of me. My youngest memories are of you being drunk and passed out. Yet I still loved you and idolized you with all my heart. You were my strong and hilarious dad! No one could stop you! You were out all day keeping the bad guys in jail so how could you be bad? When the divorce happened and you disappeared entirely. Any part of you that I thought I had was gone and I lost the dad I had grown so attached to. Any love that I felt you had for me left and it felt like an eternity till you said “I love you” to me again. I know you’ve said you love me before.. But that was when I was so young. I barely remember it. After all this time why? Why did you finally say it right as you left me again.

Mom... I don’t remember much before the divorce.. I wish I did. I wish I could remember you’re smile from back then. Who you were before my dads lies and cheatings were discovered. I see all these pictures of you back then. You looked so light and happy. Now when you smile I feel uneasy at times. When we left dad you started to drink and party... a lot. Living with Nana feels like the begining of the nightmare. That’s when you would go to work, come home to change and then head out again. Till you’d come home covered in the scent of booze, cologne and sweat. You’d just climb in bed, laughing because I had turned your creepy dolls away from me so they werent looking at me, then pass out. You never could tell that I had spent all night crying... worried you wouldnt return. I sat in that room staring out the window just waiting for you. I just wanted the mom that would read and sing me to sleep back. I wanted so badly for you to just be my loving mom again. I thought you being gone was the worst. Soon I learned you being there was living hell.

When you were with Luis still sure you guys would pull my ear and spank me... That was so rare though. After the split though... It was like a switch flipped in you and I became the punching bag to all your frustrations. It felt like everyday you would be hitting my ass raw. Pulling my ear so hard and constantly that it felt like it would fall off. Shaming me in public. Did you feel powerful bending me over in those stores, all those people watching, and just hitting me till I was screaming in pain because I could barely stand anymore. You would be worse behind closed doors. I wasn’t allowed outside a lot because I was always grounded or I hadn’t cleared my plans with you at least a week in advance. I lived in constant fear of you. When the front door opened.. what mood would you be in?? How long could I hide in my room before you came for me?? Some days you would just come home; tell me to go to my room, take off my pants and bend over. Thats you be there soon with the spoon or spatula. I can still remember how that wood felt on my bare skin. The marks that were left. The tears that would seem to never stop. “I’ll stop when you stop crying. Why are you still crying?” I learned to not cry because of that. Emotions would only bring me pain so why did I need them? After you would leave though and that door would close (that is if it was allowed to be closed, which it usually wasnt) I would just cry. Forcing myself to be quiet so I wouldn’t draw your attention again. I’m an adult now so you don’t do that to me now. Yet I still feel so much fear to you sometimes.

Harleigh/Zeih... You were supposed to love me. Did you ever really care about me? Or was I just someone you dated cause why not?? You were polyamourous, yeah I was ok with that. I just wanted to know I had a special part in your heart. You could do what you wanted with people and I would have been fine with it. BUT you hid it from me. You withdrew from me and slept with some of my at the time closest friends. I had to learn from your roommate that you were having sex with these people. Then to have your dad call me and defend you? All I wanted was for you to reach out to me.. Talk to me. For when you saw me.. AGAIN AND AGAIN AND AGAIN!! To come after me and just show some form of guilt or caring. But no.. You iust watched me break every time and cry while trying to run and hide.

You probably never learned this but... one of the people you were busy spending all your time with... Romancing and screwing... That son of a bitch would later take advantage of me. Thats for later in this hell of a post though. First you Harleigh.. You get to know how what you did affected me... I already had trust and abandonment issues. You knew this... After this though... I just lost all sense of trust. Those I dated after you were because I felt the need to say yes not cause I wanted to. I remeber one guys name after you and thats cause I know I hurt him and for that I’m truly sorry. It took YEARS for me to finally, FINALLY feel attached to someone again. To fully love them. He is so much to me but god damn am I terrifed. I’m so scared of history repeating. You know why I’m so scared?? Because of you Harleigh... Harleigb you are the reason my heart fucking turned to dust. After you I stopped eating because maybe you found my body disgusting?? I identified as Asexual at the time but had been willing to have sex if that was what you really desired from me. I was willing to be that vulnerable with you. Yet you twisted it and shattered me. I stopped eating, my body would just start puking everyday... I lost all sense of time.

That is until Sam.

Sam... You through all of this had been there for me to go to and cry. When hugged me it felt like a shield. I thought you were my genuine friend. I called you my older brother sometimes for gods sake. But no... You took my trust and shattered it too. I just wanted a ride to my best friends house after a long day of guys being creepy and flipping my skirt up. You offered me a ride so I could avoid the creeps on the bus. Did you plan to take me up to that hill/mountaint that day? When did you deside that was the destination? All I remember is Ninja Sex Party playing in your speakers and driving past my friends house. I was so confused but I trusted you.

I got out of that car and looked at the view you had wanted me to see.

I sat on the rock like you told me to.

I was being the good little girl everyone told me to be.

Then next thing I know.. your mouth is on mine. Your hands just touching and clawing at my chest. Suddenly you had pushed my skirt up.. it felt like you were clawing at my tights... like you would rip them off at any second.. You had asked if I wanted you to go in my underwear. How many god damn times did I say no and shake my head??? Were my tears not enough for you?!!!! Apparently not. Your strong hands that had held me so many times suddenly were violating me. I remember your touch on my vagina.. You made a comment about how I shouldnt be embarrassed that I wasnt bare down there. You finallt took me to my friends house when you were done with me and after that you never spoke to me again.

Dylan... you were a minor part in all of this. You were just a boy that wanted his dick to get sucked. And I was just a boy that wanted some weed. Yet that wasn’t all... you knew I had a small crush on you... You joked about it to me. You led me along and ditched me right as one of my close friends that you liked started talking to you again. You left me like some road kill. Why couldnt you at least stay and be my friend?? No. You had to completely stop talking to me. So for that fuck you. You never cared when I cried. Never came when I was crying and on the verge. Just begging for some form of help.

After all this I tried to stop eating and existing. I went to an out patient program and acted like a good recovering depressed child. I just wanted to play happy until the day I snapped and killed myself. Now though... Now I feel so happy. Everyday I get to talk to the love of my life. He sees my pain. It scares him yes. But it doesn’t scare him away. If anything it brings him closer. He wants to be there for me and I want to be there for him. I don’t have to be fake happy anymore.

I just get to be genuinely happy!

He makes living through all of this worth it and so much more. There will be hard times in the future. I accept this. Yet I feel so much more prepared to face it as long as I have my soulmate, James. He makes me not hate the world anymore. In fact now I don’t hold hate towards any of these people except you Sam.

My mother: I love her dearly even though she terrifies me

My father: I want to trust you and feel a bond if that were possible

Dylan: We were both so young I just hope you learned and are a better person now

Harleigh: I hope you find joy in your life. Though it would bring me so much joy if you could see like once in public with my James. I just want you to see how much better of a person he is than you will EVER be.

[renwyck]

Gratitude

Plodding footfalls could be heard reverberating from the small tunnel leading from the harbor to the Stormwind cemetery. Muscles aching from a long morning hauling cargo, Renwyck retreated to the peace of the area, eager to find sanctuary from the tumult of life. The worn human exhaled a deep breath that emphasized the droop of his shoulders as he continued further along the stone path leading through the gravestones.

He typically never preferred to sit amidst a constant reminder of the dead, yet the sun high overhead filtered through the canopy of trees, giving the pathway an otherworldly beauty. His trudging footsteps lightened, as if the slightest of noise would disturb the slumbering denizens.

Renwyck was not the only one there, strolling through the cemetery as if it were a lovely park, few actually paying their respects in a traditional sense. It was a more uplifting place, where people respected those that had passed on by living, breathing in  the fresh air, engaging in soft chatter, planted new growth, and brought younger generations down the 'garden path' to show them who had come before, and helped to make Stormwind city the wonder it was.

The woman that sat on the bench lining his path was near unrecognizable, as she'd first met him in the elaborate beauty of ceremonial robes, very obviously a priestess. Now she was dressed in a smooth gray suit complete with tie, a bit of feminine lace lining the trim to add a simple, but classically styled elegance to her slender form. Her ebon hair was styled much the same, pinned to its swirled bun, with spiraling curls draping down to fringe her gentle face.

She'd just bitten into her Elywnn apple when her artful eyes turned down the path he was coming up. Immediately recognizing him, she nearly blurted her greeting with her mouthful, thought better of it with a snicker at how silly she'd look spittling apple everywhere, and waved instead.

Renwyck caught the woman's eye, chuckling to himself as he returned the wave. While he originally had no intentions of interrupting her, the warm greeting was enough to cause him to approach. "Afternoon," he said with a smile once he was in earshot.

"Good afternoon!" spoken with a natural musicality to her tones, lilting with warmth.

The priestess stood up - well, after pausing to lean back down to put her apple down next to her sack lunch on the bench, sporting the same easy, gentle smile that she wore for him when they'd first met. She seemed eager for company.

"We had met on the dock, do you remember?" Her smile went wry, the expressive face now written with some apology. "I am sorry, that is rude to assume that you would." The Priestess' grey eyes were focused on his own eyes, hoping to see that little light of life there that her song seemed to inspire in him before.

He laughed softly, shaking his head. "No need to apologize. Yeah, I remember." There seemed to be a warmth to his tone, his posture relaxed as if in the company of an old friend. "I was hoping I'd catch you again."

Renwyck motioned to the spot next to her on the bench. "Would I be interrupting?"

Like one of the rays of light dappling through the canopy above them, Echo beamed, lips parting to display delicate, pearly whites with some reserved delight. "Not at all! You are so very welcome to sit."

The official welcome commenced as the priestess clutched Renwyck's  hand as if to shake it, but simply rested her other fingers on his own with a comforting squeeze, like one warmly inviting a newcomer to mass, or to confession. "Please, sit. I have food, if you are hungry?"

Renwyck returned the gentle squeeze before taking a seat. The priestess's smile was positively infectious, Renwyck's own brightening. "Oh, no thank you," he politely declined. He couldn't help but feel uplifted, the same he had felt when she had offered her blessing a few days before.

"I know I thanked you already, but I just wanted you to know how much it meant to me. I've been--" he hesitated, his smile softening. Yet, the woman's demeanor soothed his mind, allowing him to speak more freely. "Lost. And for the first time in a long time, I felt... hope."

The small lunch sack and apple remained untouched, the priestess giving her full attention to Renwyck, listening intently. With every word he spoke, even as he struggled, her smile and eyes joined in a dance of emotive response, sincerely following the conflict of hope and hesitation within him.

"I am glad I can help, again," Echo replied with all graciousness, setting a gentle touch against his shoulder. "There are times even when I grow lost. But you should know, that even in those moments where you think there is only darkness, there is always hope. It never gives up on you. All I did was call the Light to help you see the worth in the world again. It has been inside you, all along."

The graceful sincerity by which the priestess spoke slackened as she laughed at herself, suddenly cupping her hands to her mouth as if suddenly embarrassed.

"Here I am lecturing you like you've come to Sunday mass and I don't even know your name!" She set her clasped fingers to her cheek now as she looked his face over, asking silent permissions before the question ever left her lips. "May I have that pleasure?"

He chuckled softly, the woman's demeanor a breath of fresh air for the weary warrior. "Renwyck Darrow," he bowed his head politely before glancing back to her face. A slight grin spread across his lips. "And the name of my mysterious savior would be...?"

The smile dulled on the priestess' face as Renwyck revealed his name, going very blank for a long moment, eyes darting downward. "Oh." She spoke the barely there sound too softly, hands placed together on her knees. "It's a very nice name~" she tried with her note of melodic cheer, but it was clear for the moment she was very far away, suddenly, in her mind.

The sudden change took Renwyck by surprise, causing him to swallow thickly around the lump forming in his throat. His entire demeanor shifted with hers, the man seeming to retreat back to the distant and lost soul she had seen when they first met. "Apologies," he spoke, not entirely sure of his offense, but certain is was his. He abruptly rose from the bench, intent on taking his leave before committing any other wrongs.

Apologies. So soft, distant a sound. It is likely the way she would have said. Guilt saturated the word, pulling her away from ugly memories, and back toward the dimming soul that was receding from the bench.

"Mister....Mister D-darr..." the word was suddenly hard to articulate, as if her tongue went useless around it's syllables. She rose and gathered her confidence again, voice now a delicate vibrato of his name. "Renwyck, yes? It's...it is okay. Let me try again.."

The priestess took his hand if he would allow with a smile, placed it in her smaller one and shook it slowly. "I am Holy Cantor Echo Adamant of the Argent Crusade, and...I..." She chuckled in a pained manner, hoping she would be forgiven for what guilt she suddenly made the man feel. "...it's Okay. Sometimes even I get lost too.."

As she took his hand, Renwyck halted his retreat, though his grasp was loose and slipped from hers the moment she showed the slightest bit of release. He held her gaze long enough to utter, "Holy Cantor." It was a formal greeting, much unlike himself... or at least his old self.

'Lost...' the word crossed his mind with a bitter humor that caused a wry smile to form on his lips. He shook his head, forcing the thought from his head.

"I won't interrupt you any longer," he said, casting his attention to the ground at her feet.

"You are not interrupting. I invited you, remember?" Where the priestess had her solemn moment, lost for a name, it did not seem to weigh on her for long, spirit finding her once more so easily.

"Lost sometimes, yes, but we eventually find our way. Sometimes....we even need to get a little lost to find a new way we never understood before. But most of all, you travel with hope, yes?"

Echo cupped both her hands around one of his own now, "Here, if you must go, though, go with my blessing, friend." Her soothing hum stirred the shimmer of Light magic around him, fortifying him at the body and soul, and bidding him to be at peace.

His hand trembled while she held it, Renwyck pulling back slightly as if in fear of the powers that he was so eager to receive before. If she took away the pain once more, how would he be able to atone for all the sins he had committed? His suffering was all he had left. The only thing he could call his own.

His eyes closed as he took a stumbling step backwards. Relinquishing his hand, he opened his eyes to look only briefly at the Holy Cantor's face. "Thank you," he murmured softly, bowing his head with a forced smile.

The priestess' wave of Light was cut short as Renwyck broke contact with her touch, and though at first an innocent, helpless question of 'why? most took the  expression of her sweet face in reply, her grey eyes simply found the answer in the quick glance, the forced nature of his smile. This was not what was wanted, and with the rest of her hands at her side, and a gentle cant of her own head, she respected the wish.

Still, her fingers came together to fidget with one another, ill at ease with the fact that she could not help, did not know how. She could only feel increments of his hesitance, not know the reason for it. It was the realm of Shadow, that seeped in to another's thought and memory unbidden, and the dark magic was a often a cruelty the priestess did not commit to. Not anymore...

Her eyes swept away to try to pull from the teachings of her betters, and it was there she found the Confessor's voice as she sought his eyes sincerely. "If you ever need anyone to speak to, Mister Darrow, I will always listen." The name now left her lips with the comfort of someone that had used it a dozen times before. He was certainly not the source of the evils long ago done to her. No, he was an ailing soul that needed a friend. "I will be here."

[ RP between myself and @safrona-shadowsun​‘s priestess @echoesofthelight​ ]