#They somehow figure out how to combine knives and explosives with each other.

[theflowerofthecommonwealth]

(Took most of the dialogue from this as it’s one of my favorite scene in gaming!)

Nick: “Jasmine, you’re fifteen years old. You should consider eating something other than boxed Mac n cheese.” (Takes out a container from his bag) “I brought you food for lunch-”

Jasmine: (Jumps back in alarm) “OH GOD WHAT IS THAT?!?

Hancock: (Also goes flying back in fear at the green monstrosity)

Nick: (Calmly at the two Drama Queens) “It’s a salad.”

Jasmine: (Dives behind a confused Danse) “WHY IS IT GREEN IT LOOKS LIKE THE DEVIL!!!”

Nick: “Just calm down, doll.”

Hancock: (Examines the offered dish) “Eh, she’s got a point. It looks like you shredded a Super Mutant then tossed it into a bowl.”

Nick: (Lowly) “You’re not helping.”

Danse: (Crosses his arms) “I don’t see the problem here, it looks fine to me.”

Jasmine: (Climbs onto Danse’s back like a monkey and peeks over his shoulder) “It’s staring at me!” (Points accusingly at it)

Danse: “It’s an inanimate object. I highly doubt it.”

Nick: (Dad tone) “Jasmine. I need ya to do me a favor and eat some salad.”

Jasmine: (Jumps onto the coffee table like a cat with her back arched) “NnnnnnNo! No, no no!”

Nick: (Heavy sigh) “Hancock, hold her arms. Danse, keep her mouth open.”

Danse: “Roger that.” (Picks Jas back up from the table and sets her down on the floor)

Jasmine: (Takes out her Murder Mittens) “No! YOU FOOD FASCISTS!!! YOU CAN’T-”

Hancock: (Holds the girls arms behind her back so nobody gets mauled)

Danse: (Keeps Jas from closing her mouth on his fingers)

Nick: (Starts feeding his feral daughter the salad) “Cmon kitten, work with us here…”

Jasmine: (Aggressively hisses and snarls) “AAARHGHFHFHFH!!!”

Hancock: (As he struggles to keep her under control) “Don’t let her bite you too hard, Danse. Baby sister gets a taste for blood, we’re gonna have problems.”

[Later]

Jasmine: (Teenage grumbling as she folds her arms and sits on the sofa) “I can’t believe you made me eat salad!”

Nick: (Slight smirk from his spot next to her) “It wasn’t that bad, now was it?”

Jasmine: “No it wasn’t! It was tasty! That’s the PROBLEM!”

Nick: (Pats her head) “I’m sorry kiddo, it had to be done for the sake of nutrition and keeping ya healthy.”

Jasmine: (Grumpy kitten noises but she allows herself to be petted)

(Considering Jazzy regularly bites peoples fingers off, I think it’s too late for the blood thing, Hancock)

[italicwatches]

Animal Sentai Zyuohger vs Ninninger - Part 1

Well I suppose we’ve got to sidestep to handle this one. I’m gonna level with you, Ninninger wasn’t a series I liked a ton at the time, and my opinion hasn’t improved with time. It was just such a series of dropped opportunities that spun its wheels instead of doing anything with any of its plots, and the movies already have a tendency to, well, spin their wheels for lack of being able to do much to the actual stories.

But I’ve been wrong before. Let’s see if maybe I’m wrong again. It’s Animal Sentai Zyuohger vs Ninninger the Movie: Super Sentai’s Message from the Future from Super Sentai, part one! Here we GO!

-TOEI LOGO, with a Zyuohger animal cry.

-We begin, in fire. A shinobi boy runs into an open stadium, to see the Super Sentai heroes dead on the floor! DRAMATIC.

-Cut back to Before. The crew are off on a camping trip out by the river, and even better, it’s out in the middle of nowhere so they can let out their animal heads. They can relax, and unwind, and not give two fucks about anything…Of course, as they relax, they’re being watched…

-While Misao is still on his way, having taken his time putting together perfect bento box lunches…When that little shrimp of a shinobi barrels past him and oh god all the bento boxes spilled. Miao is in despair.

-Back at the campsite, Yamato’s ready to start cooking some food…When the zyumen suddenly get vibes. Something is coming…! And it’s, to nobody’s surprise but the cast, a series of colorful shinobi, who think these animals are demons using the power of Sentai to commit evil! …Sure. Sure you know what let’s just roll with it.

-AKA NINJA SHURIKEN. THE CHANGE! NIN NIN NIN! NIN NI NIN NIN! Shuriken Change! RED! BLUE! YELLOW! WHITE! PINK! NINJAS! The shinobi who won’t hide! Shuriken Sentai, NINNINGER!

-Instincts Awakened! The Zyuohgers block a series of gunshots with their armor, as the two teams square off…And the fight is on!

-TITLE CARD! God I swear these get more absurd with every movie…

-So Eagle goes after Aka in the sky, Lion faces Ao’s trickery, Shark and Shiro clash, Elephant and Ki are against each other, and Tiger faces Momo. As you can imagine, these fights take a certain comical absurdity…Well, until everyone gathers back up, and it’s time for WHALE! Whale fires up a vicious, charged Final shot into the ground, slamming the shinobi back. …BOOK IT!

-And thus Aka decides to scale it up. Shuriken Combination! SHURIKENJIN! …Well shit.

-Zyuoh Cube! Animal Combination! ZYUOH KING! ZYUOH WILD! Gotta get those older toys to sell somehow, right? Of course, Shurikenjin manages to hold its own against both, keeping them from surrounding him…And Aka launches Shinobimaru to produce tons of chaos when they try to put on a unified front! Leaving them to call up UFOmaru for SHURIKENJIN UFO!

-Okay, fine, time for power. WILD ZYUOH KING! The mechs combine, and Aka’s kind of fired up at this serious fight. So, finishers? Finishers!

-SHURIKENJIN! UFO BIG BANG!

-ZYUOH DYNAMIC STRIKE! Beam claaaash! Which core team will reign supreme?

-The beams just make an explosion that send both teams flying. Well that’s one way to avoid answering the question. Everyone’s injured enough to be ripped out of their armors, as Yamato finds himself landing right by Takaharu…Who still has a sword. …Shit. Which leads to another scrambling battle, as he just tries to get away from the furious armed man…

-Meanwhile, Misao is in despair when he finally gets to the campsite…And finds it bombed out and burned to a husk?! Oh god, what happened?! NINJAS happened.

-The rest of the Ninninger team get back to their place, unable to reach Takaharu…And are greeted by…

-What the fuck is this thing.

-Runrun. This thing is called Runrun. Who insists their people were wiped out by the evil demons pretending to be Super Sentai, the Zyuohgers! I call horseshit. So, everyone’s left trying to figure out a plan…Not least being the fact that they only fought five Zyuohgers, and even independent sources can verify there are six…

-Meanwhile, the rest of the crew are stuck without Yamato or Misao, and are hanging out at a courtyard with food stands trying to sort out a plan of their own…With one certain food stand being manned by a certain fellow who’s listening so very closely to this talk of zyumen and ninjas. Tusk’s immediate thought is they need to know what a ninja is capable of if they’re going to fight one…

-Which is when the shinobi cowboy of legend appears before them!

-Yamato continues to insist he’s human and doesn’t have a tail, as their fight goes to a park…When the shrimp ninja comes to stop his father! …Takaharu thinks he would remember impregnating a woman.

-Back at the cabin, Mario’s working on a frog sculpture…When Ki and Momo come to observe…And Mario throws two of his sculpting knives at their hiding point, getting some kind of sense that something had intruded on his space! It’s a very good thing that Misao announces himself when he steps in or he might die.

-And Misao is deeply concerned about what he saw and hopes the others are okay…And then as soon as Mario turns away, the shinobi snatch Misao up and drag him out into the woods for some persuasive conversation.

-And then Misao falls into depressive despair so they knock him out. And Runrun is very pleased.

-While Yamato is meeting this kid, one Igasaki Yoshiharu. Son of Takaharu, back from the future. Oh that makes sense. Takaharu believes it in two seconds because he’s dealt with all kinds of weird ninja shit, while for Yamato that’s a bit of a bridge too far. …Look I’m just glad this dumbdumb isn’t trying to kill an actually good Red.

-So the kid came back using ninpou, and Yamato just gives up trying to sort it out.

-And then Takaharu asks about his future self…And learns he suffered a fate even worse than baldness.

-He died.

-One day from now, both teams are killed in a terrible battle. Yoshiharu came back to try and prevent it…

-While resident cowboy Kinji is explaining ninjas to the zyumen. And with the sun so low in the sky, he has clearly been doing this for hours.

-Which is when Cube Rhino appears, with a letter! A ransom note. Misao’s been captured, and they’re to come peacefully and turn themselves over if they want him unharmed…And Sela is furious.

-When Kinji reveals, THE CHANGE! Shuriken Change! STAR NINJA! The colorful star, STAR NIN—

-Come here motherfucker

-Back at the cabin, Yamato, Takaharu and Yoshiharu are at the cabin, where he lays out, and this may shock you, that Runrun tricked the two teams into destroying each other. And with nobody to safely pass the torch of power, no new Super Sentai teams were able to form…That power, what we Americans would think of as the Morphing Grid, was lost. A world without heroes to fight evil…

-Takaharu is at least able to apologize deeply from the bottom of his heart, and beg forgiveness, now that he knows he was operating on false information. So who in the hell is this Runrun for real…

-Cut up to the Big Bow in a flashback. Runrun was hired by Naria, an outside consultant with skills in manipulation and hero assassination. A little independent action to make Genis’s life easier. With skilled manipulation, and a pollen that blocks all communication signals, Runrun can easily twist the situation around…

-Case in point? The other Ninningers want to interrogate Misao some more. And that mask that Runrun’s put on him to keep him from shouting, also lets him put words in Misao’s mouth and make him ‘confess’!

-In his head, the phantoms try to get through to him, you’ve got to get this mask off! But his hands are bound…He’s got to find a way to change the script…

-While back at the cabin, Takaharu and Yamato have to set this right…

-The next morning, the rest of the crew brings a bound and gagged Kinji. This is now a hostage exchange.

-Of course, transformation devices come out…Shuriken Change! Instincts Awakened! Yamato and Takaharu arrive too late to stop the fight, as things go from bad to worse…And now these damned fools have decided there’s only one way out of the situation, and that’s to win. When the duo see their respective Sixths, and free them…

-But both now have pride on the line, as it’s Shuriken Change, Instincts Awakened, and these damned idiots make it worse as they just end up fighting eachother. Oh my god you’re all dumb.

-And then Takaharu decides the only answer is to just smack everyone down and make them listen. And now Yamato’s the only one here not fighting, as he realizes something has to be up. Something’s in his head. In all their heads. Got to stay calm, focused, can’t take up arms…Got to disarm them!

-Which is about when Aka gets blasted by his own sister for getting in her way, and Takaharu slides back, at least calmed down enough to not be fighting anymore…But now neither of them have any idea how to get out of this situation…

-As both teams bring up their respective finishes, the narrators shouting all over each other! Yamato and Takaharu sprint into the center…And both nearly get shot by their teams’ respective finishing blasts, as explosions and chaos echo through the gym amidst Runrun’s laughter…

-And as the smoke clears, Yoshiharu arrives in time to see that cold open, to see both teams laid out on the ground…

-Which is where we’re going to stop for today.

Well I guess that’s it, no more Super Sentai! Tragic, really. I guess the rest of this series will just be about Genis conquering the world.

…Okay we all know I’m lying. Come back next time for the rest of the movie to see how the teams recover and team up for a big epic showdown against this teletubby-ass villain. Wait for it!

[vagrantblvrd]

Problem Solving (1/1)

Summary: When Ryan's boss pulls him aside and tells him to keep an eye on the squirrelly looking guy he hired to handle the tech side of things, it's not a great sign of things to come.

Notes: For @miss-ingno​ who asked for "On the bright side, uh, your cut just got a hell of a lot bigger." off the Heist Sentence Starter list and read my mind with the scenario for it. :D

AO3

When Ryan's boss pulls him aside and tells him to keep an eye on the squirrelly looking guy he hired to handle the tech side of things, it's not a great sign of things to come.

“Mind if I ask why?” Ryan asks, because his boss – current boss – isn't usually the kind of guy to play games for the sake of it.

Ryan's boss snorts, waves a hand down to the floor of the warehouse down below them where they can see the hired muscle lounging around like overfed lions. The tech guy's hunched over one of his computers in a corner across from them engrossed in something and apparently unaware of the perfect target he makes.

“Kid's got a reputation,” he says, vague enough that it's clear he wants Ryan to figure it out for himself. “And while those idiots aren't worth what I'm paying them, they're the best of the lot I could get onboard for this. I need them for the job. Keep everyone in line and you get a bonus at the end of this.”

Ryan glances at his boss, not really a bad sort for this city, bu nowhere near ambitious enough to make a grab for anything bigger than what he already has. Content to let the others in Los Santos tear each other apart while he carries on in his little section of the city.

“You say that like it's going to be a challenge.”

Ryan's boss grins like he knows something Ryan doesn't as he goes back to the plans laid out on his desk, clear dismissal if Ryan's ever seen one.

========

Turns out, the little shit his boss hired is all but asking to be shoved into a locker somewhere. Fucking high school shenanigans with the jocks against this weedy little nerd who needs help hauling his gear around.

Ryan watches the whole thing, notices the way one asshole in particular is eyeing the tech guy up like he'd like nothing better than to introduce his fists to the little shit's face, and sighs.

“Remember that bonus,” Ryan's boss says, something like a smirk on his face as he heads out to get everyone's attention for the for a quick briefing.

========

And, see. The thing is, the guy Ryan's boss hired for the tech end of things is fucking odd.

Twig of a human being all the way from England with that accent of his and no goddamned common sense to him at all.

Just waltzes up to Ryan who's minding his own damn business and plonks down what looks like a smashed surveillance camera and a mess of wires in front of him.

“Can I help you?” Ryan asks, fighting against a smile when he sees the tech guy waver, the slight hesitation at the sound of the Vagabond's voice.

But this guy (kid, really), narrows his eyes and leans in. Says, like he has no idea who he's talking to -

“One of your idiots broke this! It's needed for the job, unless you plan to go in blind.” He pauses, eyes darting away for a moment before he looks back at Ryan, head cocked. “You don't, do you? Because that would be a bit suicidal, and I've been told you're not that stupid.”

There's more too, slight flinch when a group of the hired muscle walks past, laughing to themselves like a pack of mean-girls. One of them, ugly bastard, looks right at the tech guy before being dragged away by his buddies.

If anyone had told Ryan Los Santos' criminal world would be a more advanced version of high school when he was younger, he never would have believed it.

“First of all,” Ryan says, realizing that whoever broke the damn camera really went to town on it, “they're not my idiots. Second of all - “

Ryan scoops the broken bits of camera and trailing wires into a pile and pushes it over to the idiot tech guy.

“Try being a little smarter and don't actively antagonize them. They've got guns, you've got your little toys. Do the math.”

The tech guy gapes at Ryan, indignation and annoyance clear on his face, and Ryan -

“I'll talk to them,” he says, keeping his voice low because he doesn't want this dumb kid getting into trouble he shouldn't because he doesn't think he should have to play the shitty game of high school politics anymore, and really, he's got a point. “Just. Try to stay out of their way before then.”

The kid's mouth snaps shut, and he pulls back. Cocks his head the other way and honest to God hmmms like he's reassessing his opinion of Ryan.

And that -

“I've got a bonus riding on all of you assholes making it through this damn job without killing each other,” Ryan says as he gets up to leave, no need to let the idiot think Ryan gives a damn about anyone here but himself, after all.

========

Ryan has his talk with the hired muscle, tells them to lay off the tech guy because he's an integral part of the job being a success and all of them getting paid at the end of it.

It goes about as well as he expected. Some of them listen better than others, of course, because there are always the ones who don't give a damn.

And Ryan.

He watches, sees there's really only one guy who makes a point of harassing the tech guy. Shoving hi around when he thinks no one else is looking, looming over him and in general throwing his weight around because he thinks he's better than the kid.

There's not much Ryan can do about it because they need everyone for this job, but he does what he can. Makes sure the idiot tech guy and his bully aren't left alone together at any time because there's no saying how that one would go.

The hired good has size and strength on his side, sure, the tech guy? Smart little bastard. Clever, annoying as hell, really, because he talks.

Ryan's not looking to make friends here, just get through the damn job and get paid.

Apparently the tech guy never got that memo because he starts hanging out around Ryan more and more as time passes. At first it's fairly subtle, the idiot working on his laptop in the area of the warehouse set up with tables and chairs and a microwave on a shaky table the same time Ryan is.

Ryan ignores him, and it's a mutual sort of thing until it isn't.

“Is it true,” the tech guy asks one day, sitting across from Ryan and staring at him intently. “That you - “

“Yes,” Ryan says, because there are a ridiculous amount of rumors out there about him, and at this point they can only help his reputation.

“What?”

Ryan sets down the knife he's sharpening and looks the idiot in the eye. Says, low and menacing as the Vagabond ever is, “Whatever you heard about me? True. All of it.”

The idiot frowns, says, as he picks up one of Ryan's knives and examines it, “So - “

Ryan doesn't sigh, no, because that's not something the Vagabond does. Get exasperated by some idiot who can't seem to stop talking if his life depended on it.

========

The thing Ryan's learned about tech guys – about anyone good with computers or electronic equipment - is that you really don't want to get on their bad side.

Don't want to piss them off, because all too often they're the ones smart enough to get away with murder.

Literally.

Sure, the hired muscle have their guns and their knives and their explosives, but the tech guy?

He's the one with all the shiny little toys.

The guy tapped into cameras all around the city, who hacks computers systems for them and cracks security systems. Gets them into places it would be suicide to go into alone, and is by far more dangerous than all of them combined.

He's the one they're counting on to get them in and out with as few complications as possible, so you'd think they'd everyone else would realize it'd be a smart move on their part not to fuck with him, but no.

You get assholes who zero in on who they think the weak link is, who doesn't understand this isn't high school anymore. Doesn't get that just because the tech guy is smaller, physically weaker, that doesn't mean they're defenseless. Doesn't mean they don't have it in them to fight back if you push them too far, especially in this line of work.

So when something goes wrong and the main asshole harassing the tech guy somehow gets killed?

Well.

Shit goes wrong here in Los Santos all the damn time, doesn't it.

Little bit of hesitation, mix up a direction or two and bam, some poor bastard ends up in a shootout with the cops in some dead-end alley and no backup to be found for miles.

Ryan's boss rubs his temples like he has a headache, and tells Ryan to deal with it as he calls in the others to let them know what happened.

Ryan heads over to the corner of the warehouse the tech guy's claimed for himself. Passes curious and confused hired muscle as he goes, people who haven't heard the news, don't know one of there is dead.

Makes his way past empty cargo containers to that little nook and sees the tech guy staring at his monitors. All of them displaying surveillance and security area footage.

“Um, so no bonus for you this time, it looks like,” the tech guy says, looking like he couldn't decide whether or not to run and ended up having the decision taken out of his hands with Ryan's arrival. “On the bright side, uh, your cut just got a hell of a lot bigger."  

Ryan stares at the tech guy. The feigned calmness to him as he plucks out his earpiece and sets it down on his desk, dead silence over the comms.

Ryan glances at the camera focused on a ring of police cars, shot out windows and blood spattered down the side of one, cops leaning against another as EMTs see to their wounds. Other cops clustered over a too-still form on the ground just out of frame.

There are questions he could ask, things he could do, because this -

“I did the math,” the tech guy says, like he knows what Ryan's thinking. What Ryan's considering doing because he's proven himself to be one hell of a liability here with this little act of his.

Ryan cocks his head. “And?”

“I solved the problem.”

The the guy goes for a smile, but it's kind of twitchy like he can't believe he just said that, dear God, why.

Ryan takes a few steps closer, watches the way the tech guy flinches, just the tiniest bit, before he steadies himself. Eyes on Ryan, hands hidden in the pockets of his hoodie, and if he doesn't have some kind of weapon on him – gun, knife – Ryan would be surprised at this point. (Disappointed, actually.)

“You have any more problems that need solving,” Ryan says, leans in closer just to see what the tech guy's going to do. “Come to me first. We can't afford to go into this short-handed, and the last thing we need is infighting when we're so close to the end.”

Don't need the others figuring out what happened, that the squirrelly tech guy just offed one of theirs from the comfort and safety of his little troll lair and decide that requires payback.

Ryan watches the tech guy, sees the gears in his head turning. Slow and painful sure, like this moron doesn't get that he's not on his own here, outnumbered and literally outgunned.

Surrounded by people who wouldn't bat an eye at killing him if he wasn't useful, necessary. That Ryan's being paid to look out for him as much as he is for anything else on this job. That their boss wanted Ryan specifically for this, knew the meatheads out there would have far more respect for the Vagabond than himself.

“Wait, what?”

The idiot's looking at Ryan like he honestly hadn't realized how much worse things could have gotten if Ryan wasn't there. Didn't let the little idiot keep moving closer and closer while his bullie and his buddies hung around the edges like vultures.

“Pull this kind of shit again,” Ryan says, “You're going to have a problem with me.”

It's on the tip of his tongue, some stupid joke or un about higher math, but no, no.THe Vagabond doesn't do that. Doesn't play with people like this tech guy, doesn't make nerdy jokes, now does he.

Just waits and watches, sees the little idiot nod like because he understands exactly what Ryan means here, what's at stake if he doesn't listen.

========

“Kid's a troublemaker,” Ryan's boss tells him when the job's over, everyone a fair bit richer than when they started out. “But he's headed somewhere, mark my words. It might be a good idea to stay on his good side.”

Ryan snorts, watching the idiot struggling to carry his gear out to the battered little car he's using. The hired muscle are long gone, and it's just the three of them for the moment.

“You think?”

And Ryan's boss – former boss – gives him a look, like he's not the one who helped Ryan get his feet under him in this pit of a town. Like he doesn't recognize potential when he sees it.

Says, “Haven't you heard? Anything's possible in this town.”