Part 2 sort of thing for my Bully/Canis Canem Edit x Battle Royale crossover: Assigned Weapons/Objects.
In the novel, Battle Royale, each student is assigned a duffel bag with a weapon/object in it along with a map, compass, a watch to track time, bottled water, and food. Most of the weapons are what you'd expect, like guns and knives, (Though guns aren't as common as bladed weapons.) but occasionally a student might get unlucky and end up with a joke item that might be utterly useless or have really only one use. Then there are the helpful items that aren't weapons, like a student who is given a tracking device that's wired to the explosive collars worn by everyone in the program and another who is given a bulletproof vest.
With that blurb out of the way, here's some of the weapons/objects that I'd think the students of Bullworth Academy (plus the Townies) would end up with.
Gonna just put a content warning for the mention of Guns, Murder, and Attempted suicide, so be aware of all that before reading any further. If I missed any other content warnings, let me know, and I'll update the post.
The Main Trio:
Jimmy Hopkins - A Toy Slingshot. (I'd thought it be funny and it's at least a little useful.)
Gary Smith - A Tracking device that pinpoints the locations of the collars the others wear.
Pete Kowalski - A Pink stuffed rabbit plushie. (Gary got a laugh out of that one.)
Prefects (They're technically students too, so):
Seth Kolbe - An Inflatable Toy Baton.
Karl Branting - A Police Baton.
Edward Seymour II - A Beretta U22 Neos pistol. (I figure Edward might be a former Preppie, and thus, he comes from one of the rich families of Bullworth. So, just like some of the other Preppies, he got a gun as well.)
Max McTavish - A Megaphone.
Non-Clique students:
Angie Ng - A Tazer.
Christy Martin - A MAC-11 Machine pistol chambered for 9x19mm Parabellum. (She was given Justin's bag by mistake.)
Constantinos Brakus - An 8ft length of Rope. (Contantinos considered using it on himself before spotting Algie trying to hurt Gloria. Instead, he ends up stealing Algie's weapon after saving Gloria.)
Eunice Pound - A Cleaver.
Gloria Jackson - A multi-tool.
Gordon Wakefield - A college text book.
Ivan Alexander - An antique camera with film.
Karen Johnson - A metal baseball bat.
Lance Jackson - A bag of nails.
Melody Adams - A butcher's knife.
Pedro De La Hoya - A fork.
Ray Hughes - A spoon.
Sheldon Thompson - A whistle.
Trevor Moore - A pair of safety scissors.
The Bullies:
Russell Northrop - None. (He dies before the program starts due to his attempt to remove the explosive collar around his neck by force.)
Davis White - A Pistol Crossbow.
Ethan Robinson - Throwing stars.
Tom Gurney - A bottle of Potassium Cyanide. (Tom gives the bottle to Trent when they finally meet up so he isn't tempted to injest it's contents.)
Trent Northwick - A Hunting knife.
Troy Miller - A standard Kitchen knife. (Taken by Wade.)
Wade Martin - A bullet-proof vest. (He tossed it away out of anger since he got mad it wasn't an actual weapon. Gary finds and picks it up, secretly wearing it under his button-up shirt and vest. Wade ends up taking Troy's kitchen knife since Russell's death caused Troy to go into shock, so he wasn't in the state of mind to use it anyway.)
Preps:
Darby Harrington - A scoped Browning BLR Rifle chambered for .243 Winchester cartridges. (Some of the Preppie's parents provided bribe money to get their kids better weapons than the rest of the students. Mr. Harrington was exceptionally generous. Of course, this doesn't necessarily mean the Preps would know how to use them weapons they were given...)
Bif Taylor - A Franchi SPAS-12 shotgun.
Tad Spencer - A stainless steel gardening fork. (It's resemblance to the pitchfork his father once stabbed him with, along with the implication that his father didn't care enough about him to bribe the government to get his own son a better weapon that would guarantee his survival, and combined with the stress of his situation causes Tad's mental state to deteriorate during the events of The Program.)
Pinky Gauthier - None. (Pinkie threw the duffel bag she was given away since she refused to participate in the Program.)
Gord Vendome - A semi-automatic AMT Backup chambered for .380 ACP cartridges.
Chad Morris - A Series ALFA Steel Revolver chambered for .22 LR. (Chad trades his revolver for Bryce's ice pick, claiming that he's not a very good shot, though it might've been done out of pity for Bryce's situation.)
Bryce Montrose - An ice pick. (Bryce's parents couldn't afford the bribe money to get him a better weapon. He ends up trading the pick for Chad's revolver, albiet reluctantly.)
Justin Vandervelde - A box of matches. (He was given Christy's bag by mistake. Ironically, he's one of the few Preppies who actually know how to fire a gun due to past experience, along with Parker.)
Parker Ogilvie - A .44 Auto Mag Pistol.
Greasers:
Johnny Vincent - A Bowie machete.
Lola Lombardi - An OTF (Out-The-Front) Switchblade.
Larry "Peanut" Romano - A Push dagger.
Hal Esposito - An antique Soufflé dish.
Lefty Mancini - A Side-folding Switchblade.
Lucky De Luca - A Boot knife.
Norton Williams - 4 lb Hand Sledgehammer.
Ricky Pucino - A Gerber Mark II Survival knife.
Vance Medici - A Straight Razor.
Nerds:
Earnest Jones - A Nail gun.
Algie Papadopoulos - A BC-41 Knuckle knife. (It gets stolen by Constantinos.)
Beatrice Trudeau - A scalpel.
Bucky Pasteur - A plastic toy dinosaur.
Cornelius Johnson - A walking cane.
Donald Anderson - A notebook.
Francois "Fatty" Johnson - A pair of brass knuckledusters.
Melvin O'Connor - A wooden club.
Thad Carlson - A yardstick.
Jocks:
Ted Thompson - A Football helmet.
Damon West - A Butter knife. (He tosses it away.)
Mandy Wiles - A small canister of Pepper spray.
Bo Jackson - A wooden baseball bat.
Casey Harris - A Maglite flashlight.
Dan Wilson - A bright red plastic toy baseball bat.
Juri Karamazov - A sickle.
Kirby Olsen - A Whip. (Needless to say, when Kirby pulled it out of his duffel, he was mortified.)
Luis Luna - A Fire axe.
Bob - A metal garbage can lid.
Townies (The gov just wanted them to get rid of them for being high school dropouts and figured putting them in the Program with the students of Bullworth would be killing two birds with one stone.):
Edgar Munsen - A 9mm Beretta M9 handgun. (He smuggled it in. How? Who knows?)
Zoe Taylor - Bear repellent spray.
Omar Romero - A Crowbar.
Clint "Henry" - A Handheld Mini electric Chainsaw.
Duncan - A pocket calculator.
Gurney - A bottle of lighter fluid.
Jerry - A lighter.
Leon - A wood saw.
Otto Tyler - An empty glass bottle.
Some of these I got stumped on and I may have put too many joke weapons, but eh.
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if jamie tartt is like david beckham .... [white man, english, huge following, big name] which mls team will he join and where will he base his eventual ownership team and which talented star will be buy to headline the whole thing
LKSDFJ;LSKDFJDS
Jack Grealish you have been dethroned by the Becks and his unbeatable smoove aura...he stole your Ted Lassona are you just gonna sit there and take it...
I am taking a flying stab at this and begging any actual EPL fans plus anyone who's followed MLS for more than a year to forgive me. I also need SOMEONE ELSE to chart Jamie's likely career trajectory WITHIN the EPL...whether Roy actually manages to win the league with Richmond, how they cope with Champions League drama, etc etc. But ALL THAT ASIDE, here we go - Jamie Tartt's grand soft-retirement in the MLS!
Ted absolutely BEGS Jamie to choose Sporting KC. Its like...three hours and change from Wichita to Kansas City, but that is NOTHING to the Big Peppy Energy of a single midwestern dad who was unfortunately forced away from his club of adopted sons by the bad choices of certain writers' rooms. Ted sends texts. He sends emails. He sends hand-written letters. He starts a very enthusiastic one-man campaign on twitter (#tarttkc4lyfe!) and even gets the KC mascot, Blue the Dog, to shout out Earl Greyhound on Instagram in a bid to get Jamie to come. In a truly below-the-belt move, Ted takes a picture of Henry in a Sporting KC #10 jersey that has "Tartt" on the back and sends it to Jamie. Henry is wearing his Very Saddest Face. Roy and Beard both separately text Ted to call out dirty tactics, but Ted cannot be shamed on this front. The stakes are too high.
Of course, Jamie does NOT go to Sporting KC, even for Ted (maybe. He thinks about it. A little. A lot). When Euro stars soft-retire in the US, they make their choices based on which large, attractive global city they want to live in. I know, I know - financially speaking, all cities with ownership groups big enough to have an MLS franchise are "global cities," not just the coastal powerhouses. However, it is extremely funny to me personally to assume that the Grealish-Tartt link is strong and that Jamie doesn't recognize an unlabelled map of England, much less the US. If a city hasn't been regularly on the news or doesn't have a clock featuring its local time behind the hotel reception desk, Jamie probably doesn't know much about it. Realistically, Jamie is likely going to choose from among LA, New York, Miami, and maybe Chicago. Mayyyyybe Orlando, depending on how long Bumbercatch has to convince him that Disney is actually horribly evil and Jamie should not be swayed by the glittering lights of the Magic Kingdom or the steady stream of talented U22 Brazilian players feeding to Orlando City SC.
Assuming Messi is still in MLS at this point in the Ted Lasso universe, Miami IS GOING to be Jamie's first choice. I know that Jamie was futzing around with the false 9 role and sitting in the enganche pocket behind Dani and Colin in 3x07, but IN MY HEART Jamie is a true no.9 and what striker doesn't love goals on a plate! MIAMI HAS THE GREATEST PLAYMAKER IN THE WORLD currently playing for them, and all the stupid Zava problems would melt away once Jamie starts scoring hattricks off of three or four of those perfect eye of the needle assists per game. Keeley gets a bunch of sexy beachwear, Jamie gets sunburnt to hell on the sand somewhere, Roy blissfully fistfights someone in a Publix where no one knows who he is, the DREAM LIVES ON.
HOWEVER, Miami also doesn't have any more Designated Player slots, and Jamie (1) isn't an old Barcelona buddy who will come for peanuts GAM money and (2) is a big enough name in his own right that he can demand a star DP slot at another club. Miami is probably off the table. The ACTUAL most realistic possibilities are LA and New York, with NY being slightly in the lead just based on vibes. Assuming AGAIN that the Grealish-Tartt link is strong, Jamie might end up at NYCFC. They are low to mid-table, sporting-wise, but they are owned by City Group and are considered Manchester City's sister club in New York. Lampard, Pirlo, and Villa were their first DPs in their debut season in 2015. If Jamie forgets that relegation isn't a thing in MLS and wants to be in a club that semi-regularly makes the playoffs, the NY Red Bulls are nearby...ish. Hey, if New Jersey is good enough for the WORLD CUP it's good enough for Baby Tartt!
If Jamie goes full Beckham and ends up in LA, he probably goes to the Galaxy. LAFC is the stronger team and prides itself on a loud, noisy supporters' culture - Gareth Bale spent a year there before the WC in 2022 - but I just cannot resist the Beckham vibes. And honestly, Jamie Tartt getting to live the Zava storyline from the other side and coming to the second-worst Western conference team of 2023 to lift them out of their slump is probably its own comedy spinoff. Also, imagining Jamie playing the Rose Bowl during El Trafico on the Fourth of July in front of a bunch of random actors is hilarious.
AND. FINALLY. If Jamie Tartt gets the Beckham/Messi retirement package and gets to purchase ownership stakes in a new MLS franchise upon retirement???
Ted starts begging for Jamie to come to Wichita again, but this time as a TEAM OWNER. He offers to coach for free. He offers to PAY to coach. He offers to BUY SHARES HIMSELF with all that gotdam EPL money that Rebecca was paying him during the show. However, sadly, Kansas City beat Wichita to the punch. I...have got NO CLUE where Jamie opens his MLS team tbh, bc as of right now MLS's business model is to muscle in on cities with their own existing USL football culture, buy out the franchise, and turn all of the club's history into soulless corporate marketing dreck. San Diego, I am so, so sorry.
Actually you know what, in THIS UNIVERSE, Jamie somehow finds a way to turn his retirement benefits into an investment into San Diego Loyal and helping them bid to join MLS. This prevents that extremely disappointing San Diego FC badge from ever becoming a reality.
I also have no idea what big-name star Jamie would invite to be his first DP - most of the Greyhounds were either Jamie's age or older, which means that as Jamie is retiring they are also retiring. IT would have to be like...a younger player that Jamie had some kind of relationship with when he was still in the EPL - NAME YOUR FAVORITE YOUNGSTER HERE!!!! After they have had a brilliant European career and are ready to soft-retire, of course!
(baby tartt if you could help MY hometown club in [redacted] to get its shit together and put in an MLS bid before Messi leaves...)
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