#WAVYrevisited

[stargazer-sims]

Journal Entry #20

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Victor

Hey, everybody! It's been a while.

Things have been nonstop around here for the past few weeks, which is how I like it, but it hasn’t left much time for updates. I’m gonna try to fill you in on everything that's been happening as best I can.

The first item of news is that Yuri and I have decided our first international adventure together is definitely going to be in Brazil. Turns out, there are some great travel packages available in the winter, which is the only time we can go due to us both having jobs. I think Yuri’s still a little nervous about flying, but he’s starting to get into the idea of the trip itself. We’ve been doing our research, so we’re going to be fully prepared, and it looks like it’s going to be a totally amazing experience. We’ll keep you all in the loop as our travel plans develop.

In other less happy news, Yuki finally went home. I have absolutely no idea what kind of capitalist disaster kept Mr. and Mrs. Okamoto working at their company’s head office in the city for nearly a month, but I guess they sorted it out at last. I’m sure Mr. Okamoto is back in his office here in town now, terrorizing his local workforce once again.

Yuki didn’t want to leave when her parents came to get her. She hung onto Yuri and cried so hard that it made me wonder just how bad life for her is at home. It took all Yuri’s considerable powers of persuasion to convince her to let go, and then we had to agree to drive her home ourselves so that she could spend ten more minutes with us.

I’ll confess I felt like crying when Yuki hugged us goodbye in front of her house. I’d gotten used to having her with us and we were really feeling like an odd little family to me. I was getting into the routines of bedtime, playtime, chores and homework.

Yuki was still with us when she started the new school term after summer break, and they’ve had homework assignments already. Yuri had to help her with that because I was never great at doing my own school work when I was Yuki’s age. I didn’t think I could focus long enough to help Yuki with hers.

Yuri is brilliant and he did really well, encouraging her to figure out the answers herself and praising her when she got it right. Even when she didn't get it right, it was no big deal. He told her that incorrect answers were just bends in the road on the way to her goal, and that she should keep trying.

“Remember what I said about being wrong?” I overheard him telling her one evening. “It’s not easy, and we might not like it, but it’s how we learn.”

If we ever planned to adopt a kid some day, he’d be a totally amazing dad. Neither of us actually want to have the permanent responsibility of a kid, and we’re far from ready for it even if we did want to, but hypothetically I can picture Yuri as a fantastic parent. As for me, I’d be the fun dad who’d plan the birthday parties, cry dramatically over every first-time event, and hate giving time-outs. I’d be the classic “Go ask your other dad” guy because you just know Yuri would be the one making all the rules.

Another thing that happened while Yuki was with us was that she had her birthday. September is a big month for birthdays in the Okamoto family. Yuki's birthday is on the eighth, Mrs. Okamoto's is on the eighteenth and Yuri's is on the twentieth. Yuki is ten years old now, and she's super proud of being in the double digits.

Yuri and I might’ve gone slightly overboard with Yuki’s birthday presents. Yuri got permission from his mother to let him buy her a snowboard, so we went shopping in Kyoto one day while Yuki was at school. A snowboard isn’t any good without snowboard boots, and she needed a helmet for safety reasons. We bought her an adorable snowsuit and matching gloves too.

The look on her face was priceless when she saw everything. The only thing we wrapped was her helmet, and Yuri gave it to her before dinner. It was probably a tiny bit mean on our part to make her wait until after dinner for the rest, especially because she knew exactly what the helmet was for and had no problem anticipating what would go with it, but watching her get more and more excited all through our meal was worth watching.

As soon as we were done clearing up the dishes, we showed her everything else, and she ran straight upstairs to try on her snowsuit and helmet in front of the mirror. We could hear her shrieking with delight, “I look like I could be in the Winter Olympics!”

I’ve already had her up on the mountain with her new snowboard, and let me tell you, our Yuki is a natural. We were only on the bunny slope, but I predict she’ll be on the easy slope by midwinter. If she wants to compete, I think next year she could be in the junior novice competitions. The most important thing for now is that she likes it and that she’s staying safe.

The last time I talked to her, she was trying to think of a name for her board. After finding out that mine all have names, it was a foregone conclusion that she'd want to name hers. She said she’ll let me know when she comes up with the perfect name for it, and I'm looking forward to hearing what she decides on.

On the subject of snowboarding, it’s less than two months until the start of our competitive season. I’ve been training like crazy, but it’s harder now that I have a job and have to be at work four days a week. Still, I’m feeling good about this season. Elsa is the best board I’ve ever owned. She rides like a champion, and I’m in really great shape.

The first competition of the season is during the work week, but my boss has already approved me taking the day off. It’s on a Friday, but Tomiko is letting me work on Monday that week instead, to make up for it. Yuri promised me that he’d come and watch. I’m ridiculously excited, and I can hardly wait for this season to get going.

Even with lots to look forward to during autumn and winter, It’s hard to believe summer’s over. It'll soon be October and Canadian Thanksgiving. Japan doesn't have a Thanksgiving holiday like we do in Canada, but I still like to celebrate it just as I would if I was back home. This’ll be my second Thanksgiving without my mom and our extended family, and although I’m sad about that, I’ve still got plenty to be thankful for. I’m planning a huge meal for it and we’re inviting our friends over to enjoy the feast with us.

But before we get to Thanksgiving, we've got another dinner party planned and something else to celebrate. Today is Yuri's birthday, and he’s twenty-five. In my opinion, twenty-five years is a big milestone for somebody who was given a low chance of survival past the first twenty-four hours of his life. I think defying odds is one of Yuri’s specialties.

It’s wonderful and strange to think that we’ll both be twenty-five for a couple of months. I don’t know why, but I like the idea of there being a magical window of time where we’re the same age.

We met in that special part of the year, when we were both twenty. It was in November, so Yuri had turned twenty about two months prior, and I was about to turn twenty-one on the second of December. It’s hard to believe we’ve known each other nearly five years now and that we’ve been officially together for most of it. Our second anniversary of being physically together here in Matsumori will be coming up on the fifth of February. We’re reaching milestones everywhere, and I love it.

Anyway, Yuri's party will be tomorrow, since that's when all of our friends are free, but we've been doing birthday stuff since yesterday. Last night we had dinner with his parents, and when we got home in the evening, I made his birthday cake. This morning we had cake for breakfast, and I’m pretty sure it was the first time in his life that he’s ever done that.

He doesn’t eat a lot of sweets and he’s not used to it, so it was kind of funny to see him on a sugar high first thing in the morning. Generally speaking, I’m the one who’s energetic in the mornings, and it was a change to have him moving at my speed.

He hopped into the bath with me after breakfast, which was an unexpected surprise. There was a lot more playing and nonsense than he typically accepts, but he started it, so that’s my excuse for letting things get silly and splashy in there. Let’s just say, not a whole lot of actual washing got done.

“I think you should take me somewhere nice for my birthday,” he declared.

“Do you? I thought you wanted to have a quiet day at home.”

“It’s my prerogative to change my mind,” he said airily. “It’s my birthday,”

I was trying hard to keep a straight face as he casually tickled my chest. “Anybody ever tell you that you’re a troublemaker, Yuri Okamoto?”

“How could you ever call an innocent boy like me a troublemaker?“

“The ones who seem innocent are the ones you’ve got to watch,” I said. “They’re the ones who sweet talk you into doing things you might not have come up with on your own.”

“Oh? What things? I may be too innocent to know what you mean.”

My effort not to laugh was a wholly unsuccessful one. “Keep doing what you’re doing, and you’ll find out.”

“Will I like it?”

“You tell me,” I said. “I don’t think I'll be taking you anywhere for your birthday, unless you count my room."

"Ooh... that sounds intriguing."

"Yeah, I’m going to scoop you out of this tub and carry you to my bedroom, and then I'm gonna take my time kissing every centimetre of you from head to toe. Every centimetre you can tolerate, at least.”

“That’s still a lot of centimetres.” He stopped tickling me and began petting me instead, ghosting his fingers over my collarbone in a way that always makes me feel pleasantly weak and tingly. “That could take a while. Longer if I want a turn kissing you all over.”

“Could take all morning,” I said.

He hummed softly. ‘Yes, it could, but we can always go out in the afternoon.“

“I guess you’re feeling adventurous today?"

“Mm-hmm. I am.” He gazed at me through half-closed eyelids, and in a tone I can only describe as seductive, he continued. “Do you like it when I’m adventurous, Victor?”

“You know there’s only one correct answer I can give to that,” I said. I trailed my fingertips slowly along the length of his spine. “You tell me when to stop, my beautiful brave boy. This is your adventure.”

I got down to the small of his back before he gasped. “Ohh… stop, please. Stop right there.”

“Too much?”

“No.” He wiggled a little under my hand. “It’s good. I like it. Just remember how you went all the way down my back like that, because I want you to do it again, but I want to experience it properly. I want to be comfortable, not squished into a corner of the tub.”

“Who’s squishing who?” I said. “You’re the one who’s on top of me.”

“Let’s get out,” he said. “Weren’t you going to carry me to your room? Kiss every centimetre of my body that I can tolerate, I think you said?”

“Yeah.”

“I’m ready for it. I might even let you try exploring a few new spots.”

So… that happened.

We had fun until Yuri got too cold and insisted I should go to his room and get some clothes for him. Then we had fun again, attempting to put pyjamas on each other. I’m much better at dressing him than he is at dressing me, since I’ve already had some practice. It was nice to see him being able to enjoy it for a change, too. Usually when I have to change his clothes, it’s because he’s ill and in pain and literally can’t do it by himself. There’s nothing remotely amusing or pleasant about that.

Once we were sufficiently covered and snuggling under the blankets, and Yuri had stopped shivering, we were both prepared to pick up the thread of our earlier conversation.

"So,” I said, “Where would you like me to take you for your birthday?”

“I want to go down to the valley and look at the coloured leaves,” he said. “You can take me to the park in Hanamigawa. Maybe we can pack some sandwiches or something, and our dinner can be a picnic.”

“That sounds awesome,” I said. “When was the last time we had a picnic?”

“This time last year.”

“I think we should make a point of doing it more often, don’t you?”

“I’d like that,” he said. “Do you know what else I want to do?”

“What?”

“Karaoke," he said.

I laughed. “Yuri, you’re terrible at karaoke. Why do you want to do that?”

“Because you’re terrible at it too, and I want to watch,” he admitted. “Besides, I won’t care that I’m terrible after I’ve had the drink you’re going to buy for me.”

“Do you think that’s a good idea?”

“Just one,” he said. “It’s my birthday. Please?”

The way he was looking at me, it would’ve been impossible to refuse him anything, and when he curled his fingers around mine and gave my hand a playful squeeze I knew I wasn’t going to be insisting on any sort of reasonable behaviour.

“Okay,” I said. “I’ll buy you a drink tonight. Just one, and if the angry belly monster doesn’t like it, you’re not allowed to blame me. Got it?”

“Got it,” he said, and gave me a cheeky little grin. “But, if I don’t feel good after, you’ll still take care of me, right?”

“Don’t I always?”

“You do. I love how you take care of me.” He rested his head on my shoulder. “I have nothing to worry about with you. Makes my other worries easier to manage.”

He didn’t have to say what those were, because the two biggest ones were my worries, too.

I’d said I would talk to Hana about the situation with Ren, but I hadn’t succeeded in doing it yet. Hana and I don’t frequent the same places so I don’t often see her, and the couple of times I’d tried calling her, it just went to voicemail. Probably she was ignoring me. I figured if I wanted to catch her, the only place I could do it would be at the rink. That wouldn’t be ideal, but I doubted it’d happen at all otherwise.

Fortunately, Yuri seems to have calmed down quite a lot since his initial conversation with Hana. I know he’s still concerned about it. He's told me that he can't stop thinking about it for long, but he’s coping as best he can.

The other big thing occupying the top of our worry list is his upcoming medical tests. That appointment seemed far away before. Now it’s looming like a shadow, only three days away.

It’s hard for me to understand how Yuri’s feeling about that, because I’m hardly ever sick. The only time I was in the hospital, aside from various trips to the emergency room to get treated for injuries, was when I had day surgery to get my wisdom teeth removed when I was twenty-one. I don’t like going to the hospital, but I’m also not afriad of it. Then again, I have no reason to be scared. Nobody puts me through medically-authorized torture when I go there. I’ve never once woken up in a hospital bed feeling worse than I did when I arrived.

The tests are routine; he has some of them once a year and others, like blood tests and antibody tests, more often. I’m keeping my fingers crossed that everything’s okay. He’s been doing so well lately that I’m almost totally convinced it’ll be fine, but I’ve discovered that what’s making me feel confident is having the exact opposite effect on him. It’s like he’s waiting for the proverbial other shoe to drop, like he’s afraid this has been the calm before a very big storm. That particular fear, I’m coming to realize, is part of the psychology of disability.

All I can do is be with him and support him however he needs me to. He doesn’t expect me to try to understand what he’s going through, because he and I both know I never can. He says what he needs most is my empathy and patience and gentleness, and I’ve promised him he’ll always have that.

I glanced at him and he was gazing back at me, still smiling. I said, “Do you want to get up and see what I got you for your birthday, or would you rather just lie here for a while?”

“Lie here,” he said. “I already have what I want for my birthday, all wrapped up next to me.”

“I thought you liked presents," I said.

“I do, and I’ll be happy to open it later.” He stroked my side idly. “I hope it’s something I can wear.”

“Were you peeking in the closet?”

“No.”

“Well, it is something you can wear. It’s something you told me you wanted last year at Christmas.”

“Oh!” he exclaimed. “In that case, I do want to open it now, and then I’m going to keep admiring it all day.”

“If you want it now, you have to get up.”

“No…" he whined. "Victor, that’s not fair. I think you should bring it in here, and then you can put it on me.”

I pretended to think it over, but I already knew I was going to give in. Saying no to him when he’s like that is just too hard.

“Okay, birthday boy. Stay right there. I’ll be back in a minute.”

“Thank you,” he said sweetly as I was leaving the room. “You’re the best.”

I’m telling you, my willpower is hopelessly lost with this guy around. I’m clay in his hands, no question, and I don’t think I’d ever want it any other way.

[stargazer-sims]

Journal Entry #8

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Victor

I’m so happy right now, I don’t even know where to start!

First off, I’m still on Kainani Island. Yuri said it was okay for me to keep my original flight and stay as long as I’d planned to. At first I didn’t want to stay because I missed him so badly and because I was still shaken up from what happened with the boat, but then I started thinking about all the cool stuff I hadn’t seen and done yet. Yuri said I might regret it if I came home too soon, and as much as I wanted to deny that, in hindsight I can see that he was right.

I’m going home today. My flight is just before noon, and I’ll be sleeping in my own bed tonight. I can hardly wait to see Yuri, but I’m glad I decided to stay here for the full fourteen days after all. It’s been awesome, and I’m never going to forget this experience or the new friends I’ve made here. I hope we’ll be able to see each other again in the future.

But, I’ll tell you more about the rest of my trip later, because I have news.

The main reason why I’m so happy is because Yuri told me that my mom is coming to visit us! Apparently she invited herself, which is a totally Mom thing to do, and it sounds like Yuri’s fine with it, so I’m excited. I haven’t seen my mom in person since I moved to Japan and I miss her like crazy. We video chat a lot, and we call and text, but it’s not the same as being together. We can’t hug on a video call, and I'm long overdue for Mom hugs. The first thing I’m going to do when I see her is give her the most epic hug of all time.

It’s going to be so much fun, showing her all around Matsumori Town and introducing her to our friends, and it goes without saying that we’ll spend lots of time on the mountain. Mom loves snowboarding almost as much as I do. I’ve been dying to try the climbing course the Mountain Recreation Association offers too, but I’m scared to ask Yuri to do that with me in case he gets hurt. I’ll bet Mom will go for it, though. She’s adventurous like me and she’s got the strength and the stamina to climb, if anyone I know does. I think we’ll probably go to the hot spring, and maybe she’ll stay long enough for the Festival of Snow.

Oh! Also, this might not be as interesting to you, but I’m looking forward to cooking for my mom and showing her how much I’ve improved. I know how to do my own laundry now as well. When I moved in, Yuri said he wasn’t going to do it for me because it’s an important adult skill that everyone needs to have, and he taught me to do it. Back in Maple Grove, I usually just took my laundry to Mom’s house, even though I was living in my own flat. But, it’s like I’ve been growing up a lot during this past year and a half and taking on more responsibilities, and I think Mom’s going to be really proud of me.

I guess I should say some introductory stuff about my mom for context, shouldn’t I? Her name’s Victoria Grace Nelson, but she’s always gone by Grace. She said I would’ve been named Victoria after her if I’d been born a girl, but obviously I’m a boy and so I ended up being Victor instead. Anyway, my mom is just Mom to me. She’s smart and pretty and amazing at sports, and I love her so much.

Mom is a veterinarian. She owns a veterinary clinic called Best Friends Animal Care, along with her best friend Julian Britt, who is a veterinary surgeon. Mom and Julian met in vet school, and she says they hit it off right away. Honestly, I think it’d be hard not to like Julian. He’s kind of shy and socially awkward, but the thing with him is that he really wants to get to know people and be friends. He just has trouble getting started. He was always around when I was growing up, and both him and Uncle Stephen were the positive male influences I needed as a boy being raised by a single mom.

Okay, I know you want to hear more about my trip. There’ll be lots of time when my mom is visiting for me to tell you more about her, so let me get back to Kainani Island.

Just like he promised, Mitchell introduced me to his roommate Kai and Kai’s brother Kalani. They're Alana’s cousins, coincidentally. Kai is twenty-six, only a year older than me, but he acts a lot older than that. He’s serious and doesn’t seem like he’d be very fun to hang out with. Kalani, on the other hand, definitely knows how to enjoy himself, and we decided we were going to be friends immediately. Kalani is twenty-two, and he’s still in that stage of life where its hard to know whether you’d rather be an adult or stay a kid forever. He’s hilarious and he loves to laugh and joke, and he knows everything about the island.

Along with Alana, Mitchell and Kalani have been showing me around and making sure I don’t get lost or hurt. The day after my misadventure with the outrigger, Mitchell suggested that we should do something on land and not too strenuous, so he and Kalani and I went to pick fruit. How cool is that? You’ve got to love a place where you can find free food just conveniently hanging from a tree or a plant. I enjoy fruit, but I had no idea how delicious it’d be when picked and eaten fresh from the source. Seriously, I’m going to be dreaming about those pineapples and young coconuts for months to come.

The day after our fruit-picking experience, Mitchell and I went snorkelling together. I was nervous at first, but it didn’t take me long to relax and get into it. I’ve never seen so many exotic fish in my entire life, and the plants and coral are like something from an alien world. It’s stunning, and I’m slightly envious that Mitchell gets to see this stuff every day. While we were in the water, Mitchell stayed close to me and made sure I was okay. Every time we surfaced, he asked me if I was all right, and I appreciated that. It’s too bad he’s an only child. He’d have made a great big brother for somebody.

Later that day, he took me on his boat, which is bigger than that ridiculous outrigger thing I tried to learn to sail on. I wore a life jacket, which I assumed was Mitchell’s because it was too big for me. Like, I’m a big guy and I hardly ever feel short next to anybody, but Mitchell is freakin’ huge. He’s got to be at least 195 centimetres, but possibly more, and the muscles on that guy... holy crap. If he played hockey, he’d be deadly on the blueline.

He tightened the straps on the life jacket as much as he could, but I was concerned that it was still not snug enough. Mitchell assured me it’d be fine as long as it was secure enough not to float off me if I were in the water. To test it, he tried to pull it off, and we were finally both satisfied when he couldn’t.

Mitchell’s a great sailor, and he handled his boat like he’s been doing it practically his whole life. Then again, for all I know, maybe he has. We sailed around the island to an area where no one lives, where there’s this actual, honest-to-God volcano. Mitchell said it’s inactive, but it was kind of smoking at the top, so I don’t know.

The water was all neon green and weird at the foot of the volcano. Mitchell explained that it was like that because of a certain kind of algae that thrives in the environmental conditions created by the volcano. We couldn’t sail too close to it, but I wasn’t all that disappointed. I was fine with viewing it from a distance.

Another day, when Mitchell was too busy to go with us, Kalani and I went hiking in this jungle-y area with cliffs that drop straight down to the sea. It’s beautiful there, but it’s also terrifying. In retrospect, I’m not sure why i found it scary, as heights don’t usually bother me. If there’d been snow on it, I’d drop straight over it on my snowboard.

Hidden at the base of one of the cliffs, there was a tiny waterfall. Kalani confided that it’s one of his favourite spots and that he likes to go there when he’s got something important to think about. I can see why. It’s secluded and peaceful, and certainly nobody would bother him here. He also told me that the waterfall is a spot for couples as well, and that people like to bring their significant others here for special moments together. I could totally appreciate that as well. I imagined kissing Yuri under the waterfall in the late afternoon sun, and then watching the sunset while cuddling on the beach, wrapped together in a blanket. Maybe some day we’ll get to do that.

I asked Kalani if there was anyone he wanted to bring to the waterfall.. He looked slightly embarrassed, but he said yes. The problem, he confessed, was that he didn’t think his family would approve of his choice. I could totally empathize.

As I already mentioned, Yuri’s parents aren’t my biggest fans. In fact, I’m pretty sure Yuri’s dad actually despises me. Mr. Okamoto seems to be fond of claiming that I’m a corrupting influence, which would be funny if it wasn’t so baffling and frustrating. Like, he doesn’t want Yuri to be anywhere near me, yet somehow he’s cool with Yuri hanging out with Seiji and Takahiro?

Don’t get me wrong; I like Takahiro and Seiji, and we have a lot of fun together, but Seiji is kind of an idiot. He’s a serial lover, reckless, and a little insensitive at times. I think if anyone’s the real corrupting influence, it’s him. I mean, you wouldn’t catch me drinking till I passed out, or participating in a contest to see who could have the most one night stands in a month, or crushing beer cans on my head. I have class. Well, sort of. As much class as a guy can have, growing up on the run-down side of Maple Grove and being raised by somebody who doesn’t get mad about sweaty gym clothes on the bathroom floor and lets you eat mac and cheese straight from the pot it was cooked in.

Ugh... I’m getting off-topic again. Too hyper to focus, I guess.

Yesterday was my last full day here, and I finally got to have a proper look at the shipwreck at Sailor’s Folly. Mitchell said he’d come and get me around ten o'clock, so I hung around my campsite in the morning, reading and playing on my phone a bit and relaxing in the sun.

Around 9:15, I figured that I probably had time for a swim before Mitchell showed up. I’d just stepped into the water when I heard a big splash off to my right. I looked that way in time to see Mitchell’s blond hair breaking the surface. He shook the wet hair off his face the moment his entire head was above water, and then started swimming toward my campsite. As soon as he spotted me, he raised a hand and gave me a quick wave.

“Hey, Victor!” he called out. “I’m a bit early. Hope you don’t mind.”

“It’s cool,” I said, as I waded out to meet him. “Did you come here on your boat?”

“Yeah,” he said, and gestured vaguely in the direction he’d come from. “It’s over there, anchored just around that point. The water’s too shallow to bring it all the way in here.”

“I’ll take your word for that,” I said.

“Are you ready to go exploring?”

“Yeah! But, where’s Kalani? I thought he was coming with us.”

“He is,” Mitchell said. “He had something to do this morning, but he said he’s going to meet us there.”

Kalani never seemed to be around when Mitchell and I did anything that involved water, and I wanted to ask Mitchell about it. Yuri would probably tell me to err on the side of discretion though, which is his polite way of saying I should mind my own business, so I kept my curiosity to myself. I guessed maybe Kalani can’t swim or that he’s nervous on boats. After this week, I can absolutely appreciate boat-related anxiety.

“Are we going to sail there?” I asked.

Mitchell smiled. “So, you feel the pull of the sea after all.”

“Actually,” I said. “I’d be fine if I never, ever felt the pull of the sea again. I was just wondering, since you came on your boat.”

“I prefer my boat, but we can go overland to Sailor’s Folly. It’s a prety long hike, but the sights are worth it.” He held up a small bag which, up to that point, I hadn’t even noticed he was carrying. “Dry clothes,” he said, and then because I must’ve looked confused, “Waterproof bag. I’ll just change quickly. You should put on something dry too, and then we can get going.”

“Okay,” I agreed.

He was right. It was quite a hike, but the scenery was worth it. I took so many pictures to show Yuri and Mom. We might have to use Yuri’s projector to organize a slideshow once I get home.

Kalani was indeed waiting there for us when we arrived. When he saw Mitchell, he ran and flung himself at him, and hugged him with what looked like enough strength to squeeze the air out of most people. I know with one hundred percent certainty that I’d injure Yuri if I tried to do something like that to him, but it seemed Mitchell was able to hold up to Kalani’s dangerous affection.

“Easy, Kalani,” Mitchell said. “Remember what I keep telling you.”

“Sorry!” Kalani exclaimed. “But, I missed you.”

“You saw me two hours ago.”

“That’s practically forever.”

Mitchell looked amused. “You have absolutely no sense of time, do you, my wild creature? Come on, now. Either relax or let go.”

Kalani must not have been quite ready to let go, and he relaxed so thoroughly that I could see all the tension going out of his arms and back. He looked as if he wanted to melt against Mitchell’s chest and shoulder. For his part, Mitchell was laughing and trying to hold Kalani up.

“This would be better if we were in the water,” Kalani said.

“Later,” Mitchell told him.

“Promise?”

“I promise. Now, I need you to behave like a grown up for a while, okay? Think you can do that?”

The whole exchange was awkward to watch, but at the same time I was pleased for them because they were so cute together and clearly had something unique and special going on.

I guess now I know who Kalani wants to go to the waterfall with.

Kalani fake-pouted a little, but he let go of Mitchell and stood back. He evidently hadn’t noticed me standing there before, but when he did, he give me a little grin and greeted me with, “Hello, Victor. Guess what? It’s haunted shipwreck time!”

“Can’t wait!” I said, and meant it.

We didn’t see any ghosts, but the shipwreck was impressive. Kalani’s opinion was that we’d have to come back at night if we wanted to go ghost hunting, and he sounded so serious that I wasn’t sure if I should believe him or not. Then, he told me a story about a ghost mermaid, which I was certain he had to be making up.

"Mermaids aren’t real,” I said. “They’re just legends, right?”

“Of course they’re real,” said Kalani. “Mermen too.”

Mitchell made a noise, sucking air between his teeth like you’d do if you got a sudden minor injury like burning your tongue or lip on hot food. I stared at Kalani, attempting to judge whether or not he was joking. Concluding that it was a joke, I played along. “You mean, there are guy mermaids?”

“Mermen,” Kalani repeated. “There have to be mermen and mermaids. How else would you get baby merfolk?”

I laughed so hard, I actually snorted. “You are the literal best, Kalani.”

He flashed a big, goofy grin. “I know. Mitchell says that about me all the time.”

I glanced at Mitchell, whose face was as red as the pomegranates we’d picked earlier in the week. He mumbled, “Do I say that?”

Kalani hopped over to him and caught him by the hand. “Come on, Mitchell! We have to show Victor the shipwreck garden next.”

The ‘shipwreck garden’ turned out to be a lush, green spot not too far from the remains of the old ship. It was colourful and vibrant, and smelled exactly how I imagined a tropical garden should smell. There were a dozen different kinds of flowers and plants, all shaded by tall, thin palm trees. It was breathtaking.

After that, we trekked all around the area of the shipwreck. Mitchell was quiet, but Kalani kept us entertained with a running commentary on everything, as well as telling me about some of his favourite island legends. The one I liked best was a story about how merfolk had learned to read. According to Kalani, that one is an important tale in island folklore.

All too soon, it was time to leave. I invited Mitchell and Kalani to come back to my campsite for something to eat and they both accepted, although Kalani said he had to go home first and would join us later. I asked him how he was getting home, since I hadn’t seen a boat anywhere nearby, and there didn’t seem to be any other way to go except by the path Mitchell and I had used to get here.

“I’m going to swim,” Kalani said.

So much for my theory about him being afraid of water.

I didn’t miss the pointed look Mitchell shot his way. Mitchell looked almost annoyed for a second, but then his face softened and he reached out to stroke Kalani’s arm.

“Please be careful,” he said.

From his expression, I suspected Mitchell had wanted to say something completely different, but thought better of it in front of me. I couldn’t help being curious as to what it was that’d changed the mood so abruptly, and I wondered if I’d ever find out.

Kalani actually didn’t swim home in the end. He hiked back with Mitchell and me, mostly hanging onto Mitchell’s arm and complaining about how hungry he was the entire way. He reminded me of myself, this one time Yuri somehow talked me, Taka and Seiji into going with him to an art festival. It was boring. I spent an inordinate amount of time letting Yuri drag me around by my hand and thinking about how we weren’t allowed to have snacks while viewing the exhibits. That outing had ended much better than it started, I’m happy to say. Yuri had taken me to an all-you-can-eat sushi bar after he was done inflicting me with a couple of hours of art appreciation.

Yesterday evening, there was food at the end of the outing too. The sun was just starting to set by the time we made it back to my campsite. I grilled enough meat and fruit to feed twice as many people as we were, but luckily, Kalani and I both eat twice as much as normal people, so it worked out.

After dinner, we needed dessert. Kalani looked nervous when Mitchell and I started roasting the last of my bag of marshmallows. He kept staring at them, like maybe he’d never even seen a marshmallow before. I guess they didn’t look appetizing enough for him to try, because he politely declined when I offered him some.

That’s not to say he didn’t want to roast anything around our campfire, though. It seemed he had his own ideas about what was good. After observing us for a little while, he hopped up and declared, “Don’t go anywhere, okay? I’ll be right back!”

With that, he ran off.

I raised an eyebrow, and glanced at Mitchell. “What’s that about?”

“He’s getting dessert,” Mitchell replied.

Kalani was gone for about ten minutes. When he returned, he was soaking wet and he had a small fish in his hand, of all things.

I gawked at him. “Kalani, did you just—“

"Here,” he said, presenting the fish to Mitchell. “You have to roast this for me. I always accidentally burn them.”

I’m not sure what kind of reaction I’d expected from Mitchell, but I’m pretty sure it wasn’t the one he actually gave. He took the fish from Kalani and smiled at him indulgently. “How do you always manage to get me to do this?”

“Because you can’t resist me. Anyway, it always tastes better when you cook it,” Kalani said. He dropped onto the sand next to Mitchell’s chair. “Everything you cook tastes good.”

I watched, both fascinated and horrified, as Mitchell expertly skewered the fish with the same stick he’d just been using to roast marshmallows. He held it over the fire, as if nothing was out of place, as if roasting a whole fish on a stick over an open flame was a completely ordinary and mundane thing to do.

“Are you going to cook it just like that?” I asked. “Like, with the fins and eyeballs and stuff? Don’t you have to do something to it first? Take the scales off, or something?”

“I would clean it if I were cooking it for myself or you,” Mitchell said. “But this is how Kalani likes it.”

“Mmm…” was Kalani’s only response. He’d flopped slightly sideways so that his head was resting against Mitchell’s leg, and his eyes were half-closed.

Mitchell shifted the fish-on-a-stick to his right hand, and let his left one come to rest on Kalani’s hair. “I think you’ve been out of the sea too much today, my wild creature. You’re tired, aren’t you?”

Kalani made a soft sound in reply that wasn’t even a word, and nuzzled the side of his head against Mitchell’s knee like a friendly animal. Mitchell laughed.

I watched the two of them for a minute, as Mitchell gazed into the fire while idly stroking Kalani’s hair. They’re so beautiful, I thought, and then immediately felt super weird for thinking that. But I mean, they really were. They were a study in contrasts; Mitchell, this pale, blond, gentle giant, and Kalani, dark and delicate, with a kind of elusive, otherworldly quality about him.

That’s it. That’s the thing I’ve been trying to put my finger on all week.

Ever since I’d met Kalani, I felt like there was something unusual about him. At first, I’d chalked it up to cultural differences, accepting that he wasn’t like me because we’re not from the same place in the world. I moved to a different country myself, so cultural variation is something I understand. When I first went to Japan, people in Matsumori probably thought I was strange and foreign too, and I certainly had to adjust to a way of life I hadn’t been used to.

However, the more time I spent with Kalani, the more I began to feel like it wasn’t just our countries of origin that made him different from me. There was something else, something fundamental that made him seem not quite… normal. And Mitchell knew what it was, I realized. It was a secret he seemed committed to protecting even more than Kalani himself did.

But even the best-kept secrets aren’t always perfectly hidden from everyone. It was something about the way Mitchell referred to Kalani as his ‘wild creature’ that really provoked my curiosity. There was so much gentleness and affection in it, but there was also a kind of reverence, like how I might refer to the mountain as a wild place, showing my awe and respect for something I loved but could never fully comprehend.

Maybe… Just maybe, merfolk actually are real, I thought, and maybe Kalani is one.

It seemed like a crazy theory, but it could be true. Mitchell had said something about certain things on Kainani Island defying scientific explanation. Maybe that’s what he’d meant.

Eventually, Kalani’s fish was cooked, and after he ate it he seemed to catch a second wind. For the next little while, he and I tried to scare each other with the best ghost stories and urban legends we knew. I’m not sure either of us was really scared, but during the appropriate parts of every story, we at least pretended to be. It was a lot of fun.

Mitchell didn’t have any stories to contribute. He seemed content enough to sit there and watch the show. Maybe he was tired. I know I was. It’d been a long and full day, and I predicted I’d be out the moment I crawled into my sleeping bag.

All good stories have endings, and I knew ours was about to conclude when Mitchell finally got up from the camp chair, and thanked me for dinner.

“I should be thanking you,” I told him. “I wouldn’t have enjoyed this trip half as much without you guys. I might not even be here to enjoy it if it hadn’t been for you, so…”

“I’m sure you’d do the same for someone who needed your help,” Mitchell said.

“Yeah, I totally would, but still. You have no idea how grateful I am. I appreciate everything you’ve done. I sincerely mean that.”

“You’re welcome,” Mitchell said.

“Yuri and I will send you a postcard from Matsumori when I get home,” I promised. “I want you to at least see a picture of Arashiyama.”

“That’s the mountain?” he asked. “Arashiyama?” He struggled a bit with the unfamiliar Japanese word.

“Yup,” I confirmed. “It means ‘storm mountain’ and it has snow all year, even in July and August.”

“Victor, can you send me a postcard too?” Kalani asked. “No one’s ever sent me a postcard before.”

“Of course,” I said. “I’ll see if I can find one with a picture of Koi for you. That’s a kind of fish we have where I live.”

“Do they taste good?”

“We don’t eat them,” I said. “Some people keep them as pets, but mostly they live in the wild.”

“I’d probably eat them,” Kalani declared.

“If you ever come to see me and Yuri in Matsumori Town, I’ll warn the Koi to stay away from you,” I teased.

“Some day, I’d like to see your mountain, Victor,” he said. “Your... Arashiyama.”

“Maybe some day you will.”

“Mitchell? Could we go there?”

“I think you’d find the mountain too cold,” Mitchell said. “Snow all year, remember? And I don’t think it’s near the sea.”

“Oh,” Kalani said. “Well, I’m sure there’s water near the mountain somewhere.”

“We have lakes,” I told him. “They’re small, but I think you’d like them.”

This was clearly not a line of conversation Mitchell was comfortable with. He put a hand on Kalani’s arm. “We should get going, so Victor can get some sleep. He’s leaving tomorrow.”

“You’ll come and say goodbye to us before you go, won’t you?” Kalani asked me.

“Sure,” I said.

“You know where Mitchell lives? Come to the boardwalk near his house in the morning, and I’ll meet you.”

“Okay,” I agreed.

“Kalani—” Mitchell began.

“I know,” Kalani said. “We have to go. Good night, Victor. I hope the mountain will be happy to see you again when you go home.”

“I can’t speak for the mountain, but I’ll be glad to see it,” I said.

We said farewell, and I watched them walk off together. Once they’d disappeared beyond my view, I turned and made my way back to my tent, to fall asleep for one last time to the sound of the sea rolling softly over the sand.

This morning, after I’d packed all my stuff, I went around the boardwalk to Mitchell and Kai’s little beach house. No one answered when I knocked on the door, and I frowned. Kalani had asked me to meet him, but it was apparent that neither Mitchell nor Kai was at home, and Kalani was nowhere in sight either.

Then, I remembered. Kalani had said specifically to meet him on the boardwalk, not at the house. I backtracked to a point about a hundred metres from the beach house, where the boardwalk was completely suspended over the water like a bridge. Kalani hadn’t said what time I should be here, and I hoped I hadn’t missed him.

I was prepared to wait fifteen or twenty minutes, but no longer. I had to meet the pilot who was going to fly me back to the mainland airport so I could catch my flight home. She might be flexible with her flight schedule and wouldn’t mind if I was late, but the commercial airline certainly wouldn’t be sympathetic if I failed to show up on time. If Kalani and I couldn’t connect, then I’d text Mitchell and ask him to tell Kalani that I was sorry not to have seen him after all.

As things transpired, I didn’t need to text Mitchell. It wasn’t necessary, because Kalani had been there the whole time.

In the water.

I spun around quickly to look when I heard him shout my name. About twenty metres from the boardwalk, Kalani’s head was poking out of the sea, and he was laughing.

“I told you I’d meet you,” he said.

I waved. “Yes, you did. Thank you.”

“Now, I’m going to tell you a secret,” he called. “Watch!”

“What��” I started, but that’s as far as I got.

Kalani leaped out of the water, and when I say he leaped, that’s exactly what I mean. His entire body shot upward in a powerful arc, and for a second he was completely airborne. He came down again, hands and head first, slicing into the water more cleanly than any competitive diver.

The sun was in my eyes and I was forced to squint, so I can’t be one hundred percent positive, but I could’ve sworn that from the waist down, Kalani was a man-sized tropical fish. The last I saw of him was the tip of his tail fin disappearing beneath Kainani’s turquoise waves.

No one is going to believe this, I told myself. No one. Not in a million years.

[stargazer-sims]

Journal Entry #34 (part two)

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__________

Yuri

Even at the best of times, Victor can outrun me easily. When he had a head start and I was already tired, the odds of me catching up to him were slim to none. Add to that the fact I was wearing shoes that were not at all made for running, and we had the ultimate setup for failure.

I felt ridiculous for chasing him, but at the same time I was determined that for once he wasn’t going to get away with avoiding a difficult conversation by running from me.

It was well after sunset, and I lost sight of him around corners a couple of times, but unless he vaulted over someone’s backyard fence or dodged into an open garage, there weren’t many places he could realistically disappear. Besides, even when I couldn’t see him, I could hear his footfalls on the sidewalk. The streets were so quiet, I think we might’ve been the only ones out there. I may have observed two or three vehicles the entire time I was outside.

Fortunately, Victor didn’t go too far, and the third time I lost sight of him, I had a good idea as to where he went.

He turned a corner and then I caught the sound of rustling leaves and a snapping branch. When I made the same turn, I found myself next to what appeared at first to be an abandoned and overgrown lot. A moment later, I noticed a strand of yellow solar lights strung between two trees. In the weak glow of the solar lights, I made out a dirt path edged by weeds and weathered rocks, and beyond that, the dim outline of what looked like a ladder.

It was only by chance that I saw a shadow of movement.

“Victor?” I tried to call out, but i was so breathless that I suspected the only way he could’ve heard me would’ve been if he were standing right next to me.

I stopped to catch my breath, and it was only when I was no longer moving that I was met by the consequences of what I’d just put myself through. A hard sprint was not what my body needed, and it was screaming at me for my stupidity and carelessness. I leaned over, one hand braced on my knee and the other pressed against my stomach, which was hurting so much that I was scared I’d pass out from it.

I was lightheaded and shaking, and I decided that the best thing would be to sit down. Choosing a rock that didn’t look too rough or pointy, I lowered myself onto it. It wasn’t the most comfortable seat I’d ever been on, but it was better than trying to hold myself upright while fighting the urge to throw up or faint, or both.

Eventually, after a few minutes’ rest and some pain management breathing, I felt slightly better. At least I wasn’t trembling or gasping for air. I considered that an improvement.

With some equilibrium restored, I was able to study my surroundings. I saw that most of the lot had been allowed to go absolutely wild, but it hadn’t been abandoned entirely. There was a fire pit and two halves of logs that may have been makeshift benches, and even something that looked like a sink. I turned my attention back to where I’d seen the ladder and let my gaze track up its outline to what was basically a cabin on stilts. It was very high up, and I pictured the spectacular view of the river and the mountains the occupant might have in daylight.

Hanging on the front of the little house was what might’ve been a lantern, and I could also see a thin trickle of light leaking from under the door.

Found you, Victor. Ready or not, here I come.

I’ll admit the prospect of climbing the ladder was daunting, not just because I knew it’d be physically difficult for me, but because I had no idea how stable it was or how hard it might be to hang onto. Looking up, I saw only the tiniest platform at the top. It had no railing of any kind. Once I was up there, I’d have to go inside immediately because it didn’t look like there was enough space to sit and recompose myself.

I tried not to worry about how dark it was and I did my best not to think about how far I was from the ground. I’m not afraid of heights, as anyone who’s ever seen me snowboarding on Arashiyama could attest to, but I am afraid of falling, especially when I have absolutely no idea what I might land on. I wasn’t the least bit interested in breaking something due to plunging several meters through the darkness and crashing onto a rock.

I don’t think I’ve ever been as grateful for anything in recent memory as I was to reach the top of that ladder and close my hand around the door handle. I had a small moment of panic when I realized the door was the kind that could be locked, but I put that thought aside as quickly as I could and pushed on the door.

It opened onto a scene that could have been lifted straight out of a family film. I was in a warm, vibrant room filled with furniture, toys and decorations that looked as if they’d been brought there by children. On one wall, arranged in a crossword pattern, large brightly coloured animal themed letter decals spelled out LEO - ELLIE - VICTOR.

That was the moment I understood that I’d stumbled upon the infamous Hideout I’d heard mentioned so often in Victor’s anecdotes about growing up in Maple Grove. He may have been exaggerating when he’d referred to it one time as their ‘castle in the clouds’, but after my epic climb, I was willing to concede he may not have been stretching things too much with the cloud part of it. It was more like a hut than a castle, but I supposed that a ten or eleven year old who’d been given the keys to his own place might very well have felt like a king.

The ruler himself was sitting comfortably on a stack of pillows, with a can of orange juice in his hand. He raised his head in startled surprise when I entered, and leapt to his feet.

“Yuri!” he exclaimed. “What are you doing…? I mean, how did you find me? And how did you even get up here?”

“I followed you,” I said. “I ran. I… I climbed up the ladder, and…”

That was it. That was the point when my strength momentarily deserted me. I made it two steps toward my husband before I felt my legs go rubbery and I ended up on my backside on the crazily-patterned rug.

“Yuri!”

It took Victor about half a second to close the distance between us. He dropped to his knees beside me and took my face gently between his hands. He looked alarmed, and I instantly felt bad for inadvertently scaring him.

“It’s okay,” I said. “I’m all right.”

“That’s not what it looks like from here,” he said. “You know you shouldn’t be running, especially if you’re not feeling good. You didn’t hurt yourself, did you?”

“No. I’m tired, that’s all. It’s a long climb up here.”

“I don’t know what you were thinking.”

“I wanted to see you.” I raised my eyes to meet his gaze. “I promise, I’m fine. I just need to rest for a minute.”

“Not on the floor, and it’d better be for more than a minute," he said.

“Okay,” I agreed.

He scooped me up and carried me the three or four steps he needed to reach what was essentially an elongated camp chair. Camp sofa? Still holding me, he sat down and then let me slide off his lap so that my back was against the chair’s armrest and my legs were stretched across his. I started to sit up properly, but he held me in place with a hand on my knee.

“Keep your legs elevated,” he said. “You don’t want swollen feet.”

Sometimes I really hate my body. A normal person could probably run a few blocks, even in shoes not built for the purpose, and be unconcerned about some random problem like foot swelling, but not me. One of my medications makes me more prone to fluid retention, especially in my ankles and feet, and particularly after serious exertion. Swollen feet are more annoying and uncomfortable than painful, but nevertheless, Victor was right about me wanting to avoid it.

I will never cease to marvel at Victor’s seemingly selective awareness. He constantly misplaces things, forgets what he’s supposed to be doing, and struggles to concentrate, but when it comes to people in need, he’s unfailingly observant and attentive. Sometimes I think he knows my messed-up body and its quirks almost as well as I do, and he has a natural ability when it comes to caregiving. He would’ve made an amazing physical therapist or nurse.

I imagined him diligently tending to ill and injured people who needed him, and it wasn’t much of a leap of reasoning to say he’d be in his element in a profession like physical therapy or nursing. But what was he doing instead? Teaching middle-aged rich women how to pedal stationary bicycles and do bicep curls, and wasting his talents by focusing on caring for only me.

I’d kept him from whatever dreams he’d had, and the worst part was, I hadn’t even fully realized that until today.

“I’m sorry I’m so much trouble for you,” I said.

“This is what I’m here for." He tugged my shoes off my feet one by one and dropped them on the floor. "Somebody’s got to look after you, right?”

“I wish you didn’t have to.”

“Don’t wish that,” he said. “Remember the first time you let me hold you? If I hadn’t been looking after you that night, who knows when you might’ve worked up the courage to get into bed with me.”

“I remember,” I said. “And that’s exactly what I mean. The first time you cuddle with somebody or share a bed with them should be romantic and nice. It shouldn’t be with somebody who’s feverish and delirious and likely to be sick on you.”

To my surprise, Victor laughed. “Well, you know, it was kind of nice until you accidentally threw up in my bed.”

He may have found the memory amusing, but it had the opposite effect on me. My face burned with what must’ve been an intense blush and my eyes began to sting with the hot, prickly sensation of imminent tears. I didn’t like to be reminded of yet one more instance of my body betraying me and the humiliation it had caused.

“It wasn’t funny,” I mumbled.

“No, but something good happened because of it. Just think of all the nights you sneaked into my bed after that when you weren’t sick.”

I sighed. “It shouldn’t have happened that way. It wouldn’t have if I was normal. Maybe if I didn’t have anxiety and touch aversion and a whole list of medical problems, we’d have a different life. Maybe you could do what you wanted to do, instead of being tied down by me all the time.”

“Hey.” He rubbed my leg, employing the same long strokes and moderate pressure that he usually uses when he massages my back. “Look at me for a second. If you weren’t exactly who you are, we definitely would have a different life, but I don’t think it would be better. I mean, if things were different, we might not have met at all.”

“How would that not be better for you?” I said. “Think of all the things you could’ve done. Maybe you’d be in university now, halfway to becoming a physical therapist. You might have a cute house here and a spouse who could keep up with you.”

He didn’t say anything for several seconds. He continued to massage my leg, but I got the sense that the steady motion of his hand was more to calm himself than it was to ease any pain I might’ve had.

Finally, he said, “I know I’m not the brightest person, so maybe I’ve got this wrong, but it sounds like you’re trying to say you don’t want us to be together. So, I'm gonna ask you what I asked back at the house. Is that what you really want?"

“I want you to be happy,” I said.

“You think I’d be happy if I wasn’t with you?” He wasn’t looking at me, but I could tell from his body language that he was confused.

“You’re not happy now, when you are with me.”

“It’s not you,” he said.

“Isn’t it?”

“Did you follow me up here just to tell me that you thought it was you? Like, to say you want to leave me because you think you’re the problem?”

“I don’t know what the problem is, but right now it feels like it’s me,” I said. “And no, I don’t want to leave you. All I’m saying is, I’d understand if you want your life back. It should be an option for you, if it’d make things easier.”

“It wouldn’t,” he said. “Why would you say that?”

“Because,” I said. "Back at the house, you were right. You gave up everything for me and that is a very big deal. You’re always doing things for me, and it doesn’t seem fair for me to keep being such a burden to you all the time. I don’t even know how not to be one.”

“You’re not a burden.”

“I don’t know what else you’d call it.”

“You do lots of stuff for me. You were basically supporting me when I didn’t have a real job, and you taught me stuff like how to vacuum and iron and wash laundry,” he said. “And you know how to calm me down when I’ve got all that noise in my brain. Before you, the only person who could do that was Ellie.”

“Ellie.” I couldn’t keep the edge out of my voice as I repeated her name. “Your original soulmate.”

“What? No. It’s not like that. She’s like a sibling to me.”

“It doesn’t matter,” I said. “I can tell how much you love each other, and there’s no way I can compete with that. I can’t compete with everything you lost when you came to Matsumori. Leo and Ellie and your family and your goals and dreams. I can’t compete with… all this.” I gestured around at the room, meaning not just the Hideout, but all of Maple Grove and the wealth of memories it held for him.

“It’s not a competition,” he said. He lifted his hand and tapped my kneecap lightly. “Here, put your other leg on top so I can work on the circulation in that one too.”

I re-crossed them so the right leg was over the left. “It feels like one right now.”

“It’s not,” he said, as he resumed massaging. “Anyway, even if it was a competition, you already won it. I chose you, didn’t I?”

“Yes, but at the cost of your own happiness?”

He heaved a huge sigh. “Yuri, I don’t want to have this conversation. I know where it’s going and I’m not interested in going there,” he said. “Let’s just forget about the rest of this visit, okay? We’ll change our flight and leave as soon as we can. Everything’ll be fine if I get away from here and stop thinking about… about stuff.”

“What stuff?” I prompted.

“You know. The stuff I said about staying with my friends and family, and coaching swimming, and going to university.” He shrugged one shoulder. “If we go back to Japan now, I can forget all about that, and you won’t have to worry about feeling like you’re wrecking my life or competing with my friends. Everything’ll just fix itself.”

“Except it won’t fix itself,” I said. “You wouldn’t fix an illness or an injury by pretending it didn’t exist, would you?”

“That’s different.”

“No, it’s not,” I insisited. “You think I don’t know you’re hurting? I want to finish our conversation and try to work out whether or not there’s anything we can do. That’s why I followed you.”

“As far as I’m concerned, being apart from you isn’t an option,” he said. “So, there’s nothing we can do other than to go back... to go home together and try to forget what’s going on here.”

He said the word 'home' as if it were a bitter piece of fruit in his mouth. I wanted to call him out on it, to say Matsumori isn't home to you! Stop forcing yourself to call it that because you think it's what I want to hear!

Instead, I took the diplomatic approach as best as I was able. “You said the same thing about this trip,” I reminded him. “This visit was supposed to be an escape from our problems in Matsumori, remember?”

“Yeah, well I guess I’m not that great at dealing with stuff.”

“I know,” I reached over and covered his hand with mine. “But, that’s what I’m here for. As long as you want me around.”

“Of course I want you around,” he said.

“All right. Can we figure this out?”

He shook his head. “I don’t know how to start.”

“How about, let’s start with something to drink and maybe a spot to sit or lie down that’s more comfortable than this camp chair thing?” I suggested.

“I’m sorry,” he said. “I forgot. A good host is supposed to offer his guest something to drink as soon as he comes in.”

I had to smile at that. “I won’t hold it against you. You did offer me a really nice leg massage when I arrived, so I think that scores higher marks than juice.”

“You’re probably thirsty though, aren’t you? There’s orange juice and water.”

“Water, please,” I said. “I could probably use the calories in the orange juice, but I think water would quench my thirst better. Besides, it’ll be easier to keep down. It’s one thing to get sick at home, but this isn’t my house or my furniture.”

“Generous of you to call this a house.”

“I thought you once told me it was a castle.”

“It’s been a lot of things,” he said. “Castle, spaceship, secret spy base, pirate lair. A little imagination can go a long way, you know. Mostly, this was our safe space. We have a little spot down by the river where we’d go to talk too, but there are times when you can’t sit outside. We could always come up here, no matter the time of day or what the weather was like.“

"Everyone needs a safe space.”

“Yeah,” he said. “It’s a good thing this place can’t speak, because these walls have heard a lot of secrets.”

“The more I learn about your childhood, the more I see how different it was from mine,” I said.

“You and Seiji and Takahiro didn’t have a secret hideout?”

“I don’t think we have the same kind of relationship that you have with your friends. We didn’t tell each other that many secrets,” I said. “The first person I really told any of my secrets to was you.”

He seemed to take that in and think it over for a moment before commenting. “Maybe that explains it.”

“Explains what?” I asked.

“Let me grab you a bottle of water,” he said, easing my legs off his lap as he spoke. He got up and opened the mini-fridge. “It explains why you’re jealous of my friends.”

“Excuse me? I’m not…” I began, but closed my mouth quickly. It was stupid to contradict the obvious. I suppose I’d known it all along, but I’d been denying it to myself because I didn’t want to be that person. I didn’t want to be the horrible jealous spouse who made life miserable for his partner.

My problem is probably the same problem faced by a lot of people who’ve lived through emotional trauma, neglect, bullying or abuse. We learn not to trust. We learn to be afraid and to be vigilant for signs of potential harm everywhere. Then, when we’re fortunate enough to find somebody who truly loves us and who we feel safe enough to let our guard down with, we attach to them in unhealthy ways. We’re reluctant to share their attention, and we don’t want them to be influenced by others who might convince them we’re not worth it after all.

No, not 'we’, I told myself. Don’t generalize. You can’t speak for anyone else. Just admit all that's what you do.

It was a difficult pill to swallow.

I got up from the camp chair and crossed the room to the bed, which turned out to be an air mattress with a fully-opened sleeping bag spread across it. I’d never laid on an air mattress before, but anything had to be better than the unpadded chair with its metal frame pressing into me. The mattress sank down a little when I first got onto it, but I stretched out on it anyway and found that it was unexpectedly comfortable.

Victor joined me, and handed me a bottle of water. “You should probably sit up to drink this.”

“Thanks,” i said. “I might need a little help.”

“Yeah, these things don’t have a whole lot of support if there’s not enough air in them.” He patted the mattress. “They sort of suck you in and make it so you can’t move. Sorry about that.”

He helped me sit up so I could drink, but I was only able to take a few mouthfuls of water before I started feeling sick. I looked at him in dismay as I handed the bottle back. “I hate to tell you this, but I don’t think it’s going to be a very good night.”

“It already wasn’t shaping up to be great, was it?” he said.

“I guess not.”

“What do you want to do?”

“About what?” I asked. “I don’t think there’s much I can do except rest and hope I’m at least a little better by morning.”

“That’s what I meant,” he said. “But I assumed you’d rather be in a real bed.”

“I would, but I think this’ll be all right. We can stay here, can’t we?”

“If you’re okay with it, I think that’d be the safest,” he said. “I’d be too worried about you trying to climb down if you’re not feeling strong enough, and there’s really no way I can help you down by myself.”

“What if I can’t get down in the morning?”

“I’ll get Uncle Stephen or Leo to help us,” he said. “Hopefully you’ll be fine, though.”

“Hopefully,” I agreed. “Should we tell your mother where we are?”

“Do you have your phone?”

“I don’t,” I admitted. “Why? Don’t you have yours?”

“Don’t judge,” he said. “But I was so mad when I left the house, I didn’t even think about putting on my jacket. That’s where my phone is. In the pocket of my jacket, on the coat tree by the back door.”

“I’m not going to judge you about where your phone is. Mine’s under a pillow in your bedroom.”

“Should I ask why?”

“Because I panicked,” I told him. “I was trying to research tent camping, and I got a little scared by the results.”

“You really don’t have to go if you don’t want to.”

“I know,” I said. “But I think I should, if I’m feeling well enough on the weekend.”

“Okay. If you’re sure.”

“I’m not sure in the least, but it’s like you always tell me. If I don’t try, I’ll never know what good thing might happen.”

“Do I say that? That sounds kind of deep for me.”

I offered him a small smile. “Half the time, I don’t think you realize how intelligent you are.”

“Probably because people tell me I’m dumb.”

“You’re not dumb. No matter what anybody tells you, you are intelligent,” I said. “You’re right about a lot of things, and if people don’t pay attention to you, that’s on them.”

For a while after that, we were silent. Victor lay next to me and held my hand, idly stroking my knuckles with his thumb, but that was the extent of our contact. Still, it was enough for the moment.

I was relieved that we’d both calmed down enough to be near each other, but I wondered if we’d actually resolved anything with our disjointed conversation so far. I still felt like there was a lot we needed to say, and things we needed to make decisions on. I wasn’t happy about Victor’s impulsive declaration that the only answer was to return to Matsumori as soon as possible, and I was even less happy with my own apparent inability to say what was on my mind, to tell him the real reason I’d run like hell to catch him.

The reason wasn’t to set him free, as he’d assumed. Although I hadn’t been lying when I said I’d accept it if he wanted his old life back, that was far from what I wanted. In fact, it was exactly the opposite.

Expressing my very real worry and guilt and shame over being a burden to him hadn’t been a way to encourage him to leave. On the contrary. It was a very loud cry for attention from someone who was terrified of being abandoned and who was jealous in a sad and desperately frightened way. I wanted him to feel sorry for me because I must’ve known that his instinct to nurture would draw him closer to me rather than push him away. If I had my way, I’d never be parted from him.

Hindsight is a double-edged sword.

On one hand, thinking about all this made me despise myself for being so manipulative, even if I’d done it mostly unwittingly; however, on the other hand, I was grateful to be self-aware enough to see it as bad behaviour. even if it took me a while to recognize. I have no idea how to repair this flaw, but knowing about it must be the first step, right?

Victor must’ve been doing some thinking of his own. He squeezed my hand lightly, and a second later I heard, “Yuri?”

“Yes?”

“I’m sorry I got so angry with you,” he said, and he did sound very contrite.

I opened my eyes and turned my head so I could look at him. “It’s okay,” I said.

“No, it’s not. I wanted so bad for you to like my friends, and I wanted all of us to have a good time together. It never occurred to me that you wouldn’t want anything to do with them. I was upset because I expected something from you that maybe you can’t even do. That’s why I got mad.”

“You had every right to be angry,” I said. “I haven’t been very fair to you either, or to your friends.”

“All I wanted was for everyone to get along,” he said. “I love you so much, and I love them, and… I don’t know. I just wanted everybody I love to love each other. Maybe that’s stupid wishful thinking.”

“It’s not stupid,” I said. “And it’s not that I don’t like your friends or that I don’t want anything to do with them. It’s just that I find them overwhelming, and…” I let the sentence fade away, unfinished.

“And what?”

Taking a steadying breath, I forged ahead. If we were going to settle anything, this needed to be the time for candor. “You were right earlier, when you said I was jealous of them. I didn’t want to admit that, but it’s true.”

“Oh,” was his only response.

“I’m sorry,” I said. “You’ve been spending so much time with them, and you’re so close with them, I was starting to feel like an outsider. But instead of trying to fit in, I retreated because I was scared, but that only made me feel worse.”

“Is that what you meant when you said you couldn’t compete with them?”

“Yes.”

It’s still not a competition,“ he said. "Leo and Ellie and I have known each other literally our whole lives, so of course we’re going to be close, but the way I feel about them isn’t the same way I feel about you. Ellie’s not my original soulmate, as you put it. You are. You’re my original, one and only.”

“Why don’t I feel like it right now?”

“Because it’s like you said. You’re scared.” He rolled onto his side and propped himself up on one elbow, making it easier for us to look into each other’s eyes without requiring me to move. “Listen, I get it now, and I promise I never meant for it to be like this. I don’t want you to be scared. I never want that.”

“It’s not your fault,” I said. “I’m the one with the irrational insecurity.”

“Is it irrational, though? I mean, since I moved to Matsumori it’s been just us. I know you guys all knew about each other before I moved, and you’ve talked to Leo and Ellie online, but it was probably a shock to see how the team is in person.”

“It was,” I conceded. “And it’s hard to hear you refer to yourselves as the team too. That makes me feel like I don’t belong.”

He looked away from me briefly. “I… I never even thought of that,” he said, and then very softly. “Ellie was right.”

“What?”

“Something Ellie told me yesterday evening when we were talking in our spot by the river,” he said. “She said… she said I need to make you part of the team.”

I have to confess, that revelation caught me off-guard. “Ellie said that?”

“Yeah. She wants to be your friend and Leo does too. All of us want you to feel like you belong, but I need to know how we can make that happen.”

“Show me that I’m just as important to you as they are," I said.

“You are,” he said. “You’re the most important.”

“Then show me,” I repeated.

“How am I supposed to do that?”

“You could start by asking Ellie not to touch you so much, or at least not to touch you in front of me,” I said. “I don’t like that. It makes me uncomfortable.”

“Okay, but… would she still be allowed to hug me sometimes? You know I’m a hugger.”

“I know,” I said. “You can hug, but no more random cuddling and holding hands, and no more letting her sleep in the same bed as you, even if it is totally innocent.”

“Uh… that could be a problem when we go camping. I did mention that we’re all sleeping in the same tent, right?”

“She’s not allowed to sleep next to you,” I said.

“Okay,” he agreed. “Anything else?”

“Would it be okay if we did some things with just one of them at a time? i enjoyed myself yesterday evening when Ellie was over. Or I did until bedtime. It’s a little easier for me to get to know them when I’m not feeling anxious and overwhelmed.”

“I can ask them,” he said. “Leo wants to go up to the mountains for some snowboarding, so maybe we can do that when you’re feeling better, and Ellie probably still wants to go to the pool. She volunteers at the dog shelter too, so maybe we can go there and play with the dogs. Would you like that?”

I smiled at the possibility of being surrounded by dogs. “I’d love to visit the dog shelter.”

“You can’t bring any of them home,” he said. “That’s the only rule.”

“That’s fair,” I said. “My heart is already taken by my one and only dog, anyway.”

“Be careful you don’t make me jealous,” he teased.

I gently tugged him down next to me, and he obligingly flopped over and rested his head on my shoulder. I wove my fingers into his hair. “There’s room in my heart for both of you,” I said. “I think metaphysical hearts expand. The more people you love, the bigger they get.”

I didn’t have to explain that Sango was included in the definition of people. Victor understood that perfectly, I was certain.

He trailed a fingertip across my chest. “That must mean yours is growing.”

“Maybe it’ll be as big as yours some day.”

“That’s the other thing about hearts,” he said. “Every size is the perfect size. They have exactly enough room for the people you choose to let in, and if that’s only two or three, it’s okay. You know what you’re capable of.”

“Is it enough?”

“Yeah, it is. Nobody expects you to open your heart to the entire world. As long as you’re doing what you can, it’s enough,” he said. “We’ll take it slow with my friends, all right? I know you’re scared and that it’s hard for you to let people in, but I promise it’ll be okay. I’ll explain everything to them, and we’ll all do our best.”

I moved my head in a sort of nod. “All right.”

I was still unsure, but I told myself that I owed it to Victor to make an effort to be friends with Leo and Ellie. All I could do was hope he was right, and that everything would indeed turn out to be okay.

[stargazer-sims]

Journal Entry #1

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Victor

Hey, everyone! It’s me, Victor. Welcome to my online journal.

I’ve never kept a journal of any kind before, so I actually have no clue what I’m doing. Other than messing around with my friends, recording ourselves doing skateboard tricks or stupid dance moves, I’ve never made a serious video before either, so this is gonna be an experience. I decided to go with a video journal because... I don’t know. I’m not that great at writing. Plus, talking on a video feels more authentic to me somehow.

I’m gonna post this online, not that I expect to get internet famous or really even to have a huge audience. The idea of uploading it is mostly so I don’t fill up all the storage space on my phone with a zillion videos of me rambling about my life. I mean, if anybody wants to watch it, here it is. Don’t expect movie quality. I’m not a professional videographer or anything like that. I'm just an average guy with a smartphone and a lot of thoughts about stuff.

So, since this is the first entry, I guess I should tell you something about myself, right? Do kind of an introduction like, “Who is this Victor guy anyway?”

My full name is Victor Thomas Edward Nelson, I’m 25 years old and my birthday is the second of December. I’m from a medium-sized Canadian town called Maple Grove, which is kind of a boring place, if I’m being honest. I love it, but it’s not particularly known for major events or exciting times. My hometown is big enough to have an industrial park, a mall, a community college and a world-class athletic centre, though. Believe it or not, we even have an airport. It’s tiny and it’s mostly for shipping freight from the warehouses and manufacturing places at the outskirts of town, but passenger flights do go in and out of there too. You have to literally walk across the tarmac and climb a gigantic set of movable stairs to board the plane, but still.

Okay, let’s see. What other random facts about me can I share?

My favourite colour is red. I like food, hanging out with my friends, playing video games, and taking way too many selfies which I shamelessly post on Instagram. Some people say I’m hyper and that I’m over the top, but I like to think of myself as energetic, enthusiastic and adventurous.

I love sports, particularly winter sports like snowboarding and skating. Especially snowboarding! Fortunately for me, I currently live in a mountain town in Japan, about half an hour outside Kyoto, where I can snowboard all year long. I’m really good at snowboarding, even if I say so myself. In fact, I do it competitively, and I’ve won medals. My friends say I’m a showoff, but I say if you’ve got a talent, why hide it?

Another thing I enjoy is travelling. I’ve always loved adventures, and I’ve been all over the world for snowboarding competitions, but I don’t think I realized before how much fun it is to travel for pleasure and for discovery rather than for a specific purpose like an international sporting event. Moving from my hometown in Canada all the way to Japan was so exciting that now I’ve decided I want to travel the world for fun. I think I was bitten by that particular bug the minute I stepped off the plane in Kyoto and into a brand new environment that I’d never seen before, with the knowledge that I had plenty of time ahead of me to relax and explore.

Oh, I guess you’ll want to know why I came to Japan in the first place, right? It wasn’t only for the snowboarding, and I’m more than happy to tell you all about it.

The real reason I’m here is to be with the love of my life, my soulmate and best friend, Yuri Okamoto. He’s beautiful, smart and brave, and he gets me like nobody else ever has.

Yuri and I met online, on a forum for snowboarding enthusiasts. I’d like to say there was an instant connection between us, but I think Yuri would deny that. It’s probably more appropriate to say I was instantly smitten when I was scrolling through a sub-forum where people posted about new equipment and saw a photo of him posing with his new board. He looked so cute, and I couldn’t resist posting a comment to express just that.

It took me a few minutes to figure out that straight-up commenting “You’re cute!” on a photo of a complete stranger might not have been the smartest or most appropriate move. So, in hopes of redeeming myself, I sent him a private message with a proper introduction. It took him a couple days to reply – he probably thought I was some weird stalker or something – but eventually he got back to me with an introduction of his own. We started chatting after that, and things evolved from there.

We met in November, a few weeks before my twenty-first birthday. Yuri had turned twenty a couple months earlier, in September. It’s hard to believe we’ve known each other for four and a half years already.

It wasn’t long until Yuri and I stopped chatting exclusively through private messages on the forum and moved our conversations to phone calls, texts and video chats instead. By February, we both knew that we were going to be more than friends.

Let me tell you, long-distance relationships are hard. Yuri and I wanted to be together in person, and as time went on, we felt the strain of being apart more and more. In the three and a half years between first meeting him and actually coming here to be with him, I finished college and got a job. I hoarded as much money as possible from my pay cheques and also from competition prize money, and I threw myself into learning Japanese so I’d be ready when the day eventually came.

Finally, when it felt as if neither of us could hold out any longer, I made up my mind to leave home. I gave up the lease on my flat, sold my car, my desktop computer, and my sad college student furniture, and packed the rest of my worldly possessions so I could make the voyage to be with my love. It was terrifying to leave everyone and everything I’d ever known, but it was absolutely the right choice. Being with Yuri makes it all worth it. Also, Matsumori Town is stunning, and have I mentioned the year-round snowboarding? Year-round snowboarding! But, anyway…

Yuri’s glad I’m here too, although I think he thinks I could’ve put more thought into planning my move. Yuri is more circumspect than me, which is a good thing because we balance each other. I can be a little impulsive sometimes, so having a partner who’s more cautious helps keep me from getting into too much trouble.

I’ve been here for about sixteen months now, and it’s amazing. I never want to leave. Not unless Yuri comes with me.

Our friends here tease us a lot about how close we are. We’re always together, not that either of us is complaining about that. Yuri works remotely about ninety percent of the time, and I don’t currently have a job other than teaching swimming lessons at the local pool, so unless I’m training up on the mountain or he’s in the city for some work thing, there’s no reason for us not to be together.

Another thing our friends seem to love teasing us about is our names. Apparently, we have the same names as the main characters from an anime series that’s very popular here in Japan. I've never seen it. Full disclosure, I usually can’t sit still long enough for television unless its a show or movie I'm really into. I'm not all that into anime.

Yuri says we kind of resemble those two anime characters as well, especially because the Yuri character has classic Japanese looks and the Victor character has white hair and blue eyes. My hair in real life is prematurely silver and I have blue eyes too.

I’m fine with taking Yuri’s word for the fact that we have some kind of resemblance to these anime guys, but I can assure you that we are our own unique, individual selves and any resemblance to animated fictional characters is purely coincidental.

All right! Now, on to the reason why I’m making this journal. Even though I’d be perfectly happy to go on for ages about my adorable Yuri, the real reason I’m doing this is to chronicle my travels, not just here in Japan, but in other parts of the world too.

My next voyage is going to be to the island of Kainani. I’ve been putting a bit of money aside ever since I got here, and now I have enough for a two-week trip, without seriously depleting the rest of my savings. As much as I love winter and the cool, fresh air of Matsumori, the idea of visiting a tropical paradise where it never snows truly fascinates me. I won’t get to do any snowboarding while I’m there, but I’ll bet there’ll be lots of water sports I can try. I’ve been looking at travel books about the island, and I’ve heard all the legends about the merfolk of Kainani. Not sure those are true, but maybe if I’m lucky, I’ll find out.

The only thing that worries me about going to a place where it never snows is what the weather might get up to in lieu of snowing. Like, maybe thunderstorms? I can’t stand thunderstorms. Camping on the beach is going to be awesome, but I’m not sure what I’ll do if there are any thunderstorms, especially if Yuri isn’t around to console me. He’s really good at that.

Maybe I can convince him to come along.

In any event, I guess I’ll figure everything out as I go. I know I have to do some planning, but I don’t like to organize my life too much. I like spontaneity. Yuri says I’m impetuous, but I prefer carefree.

Whatever happens, I’ll be sure to keep this journal updated so you can follow along with me on my adventures. See you soon!

[stargazer-sims]

Journal Entry #9 (part one)

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Yuri

Hello, everyone. Yuri here.

The past few days haven’t been the easiest, and I’m not feeling well, but Victor’s home with me now and that makes everything more bearable. I’m exhausted, but I’m happy because I’m no longer on my own. It’s amazing what a difference it makes when you know you’re not alone.

A lot has happened since the last time I added anything to our journal, and It’s hard to believe that was only a little over a week ago. I suppose the most logical place to start this tale is with what happened before Victor got home. For that, I actually need to go back and explain to you about yesterday and the day before. That’s where this awful story really begins. You may be relieved to know that it does have a happier ending than beginning, but I’ll get to that.

You remember I told you that Victor’s mother is coming here? Well, Dr. Nelson telling me that she’s planning to pay us an extended visit isn’t the only unexpected announcement I’ve received, and if I thought the idea of Victor’s mother imminently landing on our doorstep was the most stressful thing I’d have to face this week, I would’ve been wrong. The events of yesterday and the day before topped that a hundredfold.

The day before yesterday, I’d just been going about my business in the evening, putting in a load of laundry and mentally weighing my options for dinner, when our landlady, Mrs. Ito, showed up. She’s not the type to make social calls, so I had no idea why she’d come over. I’d already paid our rent and given her the invoice from the repair service we’d hired to fix our oven. She had no other reason to be there as far as I knew.

Fortunately or unfortunately, depending on one’s perspective, It didn’t take her long to come to the point. In an utterly matter of fact tone, she informed me that she’s planning to sell the house. She wants to start renovating it as soon as possible, and so Victor and I have to move out by the beginning of next month.

Needless to say, I was stunned by the news. I’ve been living in this house for four years, and it’s become more of a home to me than my family home was. It’s a modest house in a less desirable part of town and admittedly needs some repairs, but it’s cozy and it’s affordable, and I’m comfortable in it. The thought of losing the house I’d found and rented by myself with no help from my parents – the home I’ve made my own and now share with my soulmate – filled me with a mixture of heartache, trepidation and fear. Mrs. Ito must’ve seen the emotion on my face, but she didn’t seem the least bit apologetic when she said she was sorry to be the bearer of bad news.

To say I was concerned about this development would be an understatement. I panicked. I didn’t know two days ago, and I still don’t know how we’ll manage a move on such short notice or how we’re going to find somewhere else to live that we can afford. Matsumori isn’t the most budget-friendly town in our country when it comes to housing, and we’re currently a one-income household. Victor doesn’t have a full-time job at the moment. He’s going to look for one now that he’s back, but that doesn’t help us in the short term.

Why couldn’t Mrs. Ito have put this off for one more day? I wondered.

If she would’ve told us about this last night instead of Thursday night, Victor would’ve been here. To be fair, he’d probably have been panicking way more than I was, but at least we’d have heard about it together and we could’ve leaned on each other for support in the first moments after finding out.

I debated whether or not I should tell Victor about our now precarious housing arrangements during our nightly call. He’d be bursting to share everything about his last full day on Kainani Island and he'd be excited about the flight back, and I didn’t want to kill his enthusiasm by dropping something like this on him. Besides, there would be nothing he could do to help me with the situation between then and when he got home in any case, so I concluded it’d be best to wait.

After Mrs. Ito left, I sat at the kitchen table for a long time, staring at my untouched food. I hadn’t been hungry to begin with and I only had the goal of consuming a meal because I knew I was supposed to, but after Mrs. Ito’s bombshell announcement, there was no way I could make myself eat. It was too much of an effort; one I had neither the energy nor the motivation for. I covered the bowl of rice and vegetables, and put it into the fridge. Then, I made myself a mug of ginger tea and curled up with it on the sofa, hoping that the hot liquid would help settle my rebellious, painful stomach, even if it didn’t soothe my mind.

Please don’t let this be the start of a serious flare-up, I thought. Now would be the absolute worst time for me to be ill. I don’t need any extra problems.

The tea did not help. I couldn’t even finish it. I held the mug in my hands until it grew cold, wishing it had been a magical solution to everything that was bad about that day.

My mind raced with every possible worst-case scenario. I pictured us couch surfing at Takahiro and Seiji’s place, or possibly sleeping at the youth hostel for an uncomfortably long period of time. Neither of those was pleasant to contemplate, but the possibility that really frightened me was that Victor and I might be separated. I recoiled at the idea that he might have to go back to his country. If our housing situation was unstable for too long, it might have an effect on his immigration process, which was almost completed. We were so close to the point where he’d have permanent residence here, and I was already legitimately terrified that something would go wrong with it. I was certain I couldn’t bear it if he had to leave me, and the worst part was that it’d all be totally beyond our control.

Huddled on the sofa, miserable and scared, I felt completely lost and alone.

I pulled my phone out of my pocket and began to dial a number from memory. My mother’s line rang several times, but she didn’t answer. It went through to voicemail instead. Just to hear the sound of her voice, I listened to the entirety of her voicemail greeting before I hung up.

Then I dialled another number.

In retrospect, I have no idea why I did it. I don’t know what I was thinking, to have even the slightest confidence that it’d be a good idea. But I suppose we all feel the pull of family in difficult times, even if our families aren’t the best source of support. Families are supposed to love us, and I expect we all live in hope, even just a little.

I regretted my actions almost instantly after my father’s line stopped ringing and I heard his voice.

“Kenji Okamoto here.” His tone was abrupt, irritated.

I fought the urge to hang up immediately, and took a steadying breath. “Papa, it’s Yuri.”

There was no greeting, no asking me how I was doing. It was just, “I’m busy, Yuri. What do you need?”

“I… don’t know,” I said, because all of a sudden I really didn’t. I might’ve been lonely and worried, but I would much rather have suffered in solitude than to face my father’s judgment. If Mama had answered her phone, I would’ve been able to tell her how I was feeling and she would’ve offered some empathy, but I wasn’t labouring under any false belief that my father would demonstrate either empathy or understanding.

Since feelings weren’t something he’d be interested in hearing about, I opted to be direct. “Victor and I have to move out of our house.”

“Why?” my father asked.

“The landlady is selling it.”

“Well,” he said. “Interesting. That might be a blessing in disguise.”

“What?” I blurted, caught off guard by his reaction. He almost seemed pleased about it.

“If you have to move out, then that man you’re living with can go back to whichever country he came from and you can come home so your mother can look after you properly.”

“That man I’m living with is my soulmate,” I said. “His name is Victor, and he looks after me.”

“I know his name. Does he have a job yet?”

“No, but—”

“Then, he’s not looking after you, is he?”

“Everything in life isn’t about money, you know,” I said. “Caring for someone isn’t all about what kind of financial contribution they make.”

My father made a derisive noise. “He’s not appropriate for you. There are plenty of acceptable people from here that you could be with. You didn’t need to take up with that foreigner, just to prove a point,” he said. “And if it’s not about money, why are you calling? If that man wasted less time on the mountain and spent more time doing something to help provide for you, I doubt you’d even be speaking to me right now.”

“I’m not asking you for money,” I told him. “And you don’t get to decide whether Victor is appropriate for me or not.“

"If you aren’t asking for money, then let me get back to my original question. What do you need?”

My composure was slipping, but I was absolutely desperate not to cry. I promised myself long ago that I would never let my father see or hear me cry again. I curled my free hand into a fist, digging the tips of my nails into the flesh of my palm and clenching my fingers so hard that they cramped. The pain helped me focus on something other than the huge knot in my stomach and the fierce burn of tears behind my eyes.

“I just needed to know that my family cares about me.” My voice was weak, even to myself. “I wanted to know that there’s someone I can rely on when I need help.”

“I care about you,” he said. He sounded offended. “I said you can come home, didn’t I?”

“Yes, but—"

"You’re more than welcome to come home and live with us, but you’re not to bring that foreigner into our house.”

That was the point at which I could no longer hold onto my self-control. “Stop referring to him like that! He has a name!”

“Fine,” said my father. “You may stay here without Victor. And I’ll thank you not to use that disrespectful tone with me in future, Yuri. Do you understand?”

“I understand,” I said. “Now, I hope you understand what I’m about to say to you. I called you because I thought, for once, you’d offer to do something to make life easier for me instead of more difficult, but I guess that was a mistake on my part, wasn’t it?”

“You know, your life wouldn’t be so difficult if you’d go about it more sensibly,” he declared.

“If I’d do everything you want me to, you mean,” I retorted.

“It’s easier to swim with the current than against it.”

“Well, maybe I don’t like the direction this particular river is flowing,” I said. “Thank you for the offer to let me come home, but I don’t want to live with you. I’m not interested in living anywhere Victor isn’t wanted, and I’m not accepting help that has conditions attached to it. I’m your son. This isn’t how it’s meant to go.”

“Yes, you are my son and I’m willing to fully support you, which is my duty as your parent. I have no obligation and no intention to support your… What did you call him? Your soulmate? Ridiculous.”

“There’s nothing ridiculous about my relationship with Victor. It’s a real relationship, and we belong together, whether you approve or not.”

“I don’t approve,” my father stated. “And I’m sorry if you feel that my refusal to provide for someone who should be providing for himself is a condition, but I see no sense in throwing my money at a lazy, freeloading foreigner. He’s already taken advantage of you. He will not be doing that to me and your mother.”

“Fine,” I said, my voice shaking with the effort to give the impression of calm. “You’ve made yourself perfectly clear. I suppose this means we’re done.”

“If you refuse to see reason, I suppose it does, but you’re free to call me again if you change your mind.”

There were a million furious replies in my brain, all competing to leave my mouth at once. I wanted to yell at my father, to act out every bit of anger and resentment and frustration he’d ever caused me to feel. But, of course I didn’t do it. There wouldn’t have been any point. It wouldn’t have made one bit of difference and the only result would’ve been that he’d say I was behaving like a spoiled child.

My father, Kenji Okamoto, isn’t the most easygoing person at the best of times. He’s an exacting man who demands nothing less than his vision of perfection from those around him. Being unable to meet his expectations is not a position anyone wants to find themselves in. Trust me. I’ve been living in that shadow for the past twenty-four years.

Of all the people in my father’s life, I think I disappoint him the most. What he wanted was a strong, capable and outgoing son who would marry a socially acceptable woman, give him grandchildren, and some day take over the leadership of our family’s internationally successful electronics company. What he got was me, a frail, introverted boy who’d rather spend time with his violin and his books than with most people, and who has no interest whatsoever in managing an organization that sells overpriced televisions and mobile phones to customers in other countries. He thinks that my job is insignificant, that my friends are irresponsible and shiftless, and that my hobbies are a waste of time. Worst of all, he despises my sweet, beautiful Victor.

Of everything my father has ever said or done to hurt me, the fact that he dislikes and disapproves of Victor hurts me most of all.

Victor makes me happy. He completes me, protects me, and treats me like I’m the most precious treasure in the world. He doesn’t see a timid, ill boy who needs constant care and supervision, like my family sees when they look at me. They think I’m weak and that I can’t manage my own life.

Victor says I’m delicate, but not to demean me in the way my father would if he said it. To Victor, delicacy isn’t the opposite of strength. He says I remind him of the maple saplings along the river in his hometown; they may look fragile and they may bend, but they rarely break even in the worst storms.

I was wretchedly unhappy before Victor came into my life. Although I had friends and a job and things I liked to do for fun, I still felt unwanted and unfulfilled. I needed the close human connection that I should’ve had with my family, and I needed to feel like I was important to somebody. My desperate wish was for someone – anyone – to look at me and tell me that I mattered. And then there was Victor, a complete stranger on the internet who saw me and found something in me that no one else ever had before.

Victor and I met four and a half years ago in an online group for snowboarding enthusiasts. Little did I suspect that a random comment on a photo would permanently alter the trajectory of my life.

I’d posted a picture of myself on the mountain that my friend Takahiro had taken, and Victor replied to it with a purple heart emoji and “You’re cute!” As you might imagine, that wasn’t the sort of response I’d expected, especially not for a weird photo of me jokingly clutching my snowboard against me like a lover, my hair sticking up crazily and my face pink from the cold. I was put off by the forwardness of it at first, but when I discovered a private message with a lengthy introduction from him the next day, I couldn’t help being intrigued.

We chatted every day after that, only through private messages on the website at first, but we quickly progressed to texts, phone calls and video chats. Then, nearly seventeen months ago, he moved here. I couldn’t possibly have been more thrilled when I understood that he intended to stay with me permanently.

I wish my father would try to understand how Victor and I care for each other, and how much our relationship means to both of us. I love Victor more than I’ve ever loved anyone, and he’s helped open up my world in ways I could never have imagined. I want my family to get to know the person I know. I want them to see the person who embraces everyone he meets as if they were never strangers, the one who isn’t afraid to try new things and encourages me to step past the barriers of my own fear, the impulsive, adventurous, affectionate and compassionate man who loves me unconditionally.

Victor has never done anything to disrespect my father or anyone else in my family. He’s tried his best to be courteous and kind, but it doesn’t seem to matter. My father can’t see past Victor’s differences from us, nor does he seem willing to overcome his prejudices. To him, Victor will always be an outsider, never belonging, a foreigner who should go back to where he came from.

I didn’t say goodbye to my father when our conversation was over. I lowered my phone and quietly pressed the ‘end call’ button.

On the verge of tears, the only other person I could think to call was Dr. Nelson, thousands of kilometres away. I didn’t know what she’d be doing or whether it’d be okay to interrupt her, but the last time we talked, she’d said I could call her if I needed anything. She may not have anticipated that I’d take her up on it so soon, but I really didn’t know who else I could turn to.

When she answered, she sounded as bright as always. “Grace Nelson speaking.”

“Dr. Nelson? It’s Yuri.”

“Hi, sweetheart,” she said. “What a surprise, getting two calls from you within a week! Everything all right?”

“No. I… I need…” But I couldn’t make it any further than that. The genuine concern and love in her voice when she asked if everything was okay was so vastly different from what I’d just experienced with my father, the emotional impact of it was too much for me. I couldn’t keep myself together any longer. Without really wanting to, but completely unable to stop myself, I started crying.

I needed to tell her why I was calling, but my attempts to get the whole story out only resulted in me stumbling over my words, gasping out incoherent sentences in the ragged breaths between sobs.

“Yuri!” Dr. Nelson’s tone was firm but kind. “I can’t understand you, sweetheart. I need you to speak English and slow down, okay? Can you do that for me?

I struggled to get my breathing evened out, which was no easy feat, but I was eventually able to reach a point where I could talk almost normally again. “I... I’m sorry.”

“Are you okay? And Victor?”

“Y-yes. Victor’s fine. He’s coming home tomorrow,” I said. “It’s something else. We need help, and my father was being completely unreasonable, and… and I don’t know what to do.”

“Tell me,” Dr. Nelson said gently. "Take your time.”

I told her the whole thing, about Mrs. Ito’s visit and about my conversation with my father, and my fears about what would happen to Victor and me. I felt awful about burdening her with it. I finished with, “With everything that’s happening, I don’t think you’ll be able to come visit us now. I’m sorry.”

“What do you mean?” she said. “Of course I’m still coming. By the sound of things, the two of you are going to need me there more than ever.”

"But I don’t even know where Victor and I are going to stay after this, and I don’t want to trouble you.”

"Sweetheart, don’t you even think of worrying about that. Taking care of you and Victor isn’t any trouble to me, and I was planning to come anyway, wasn’t I? I’ll stay with you where you are right now, as long as we can, and then we’ll all stay together in your new home. Our visit might look a bit different than we’d planned, but that’s okay.”

“Thank you,” I said. “I don’t know what to say.”

“You’ve already said thank you. That’s enough. I’ll help you pack and arrange everything, and if you need a little extra money, I don’t mind helping you with that.”

Strangely, the idea of accepting money from Victor’s mother didn’t make me feel the same way my father’s offer of support had. Gratefully, I said, “I appreciate your help, and I’m sure Victor will too.”

“I’m the mom,” she said. “Helping my boys when they need me is what I do. It’s the only proper thing.”

My boys. I hadn’t missed the way Grace Nelson had included me, as if I were equal to Victor as her son. I wondered how it was possible that a woman from another country, who I’d never met face-to-face, could love me and care about me more than my own family did.

“Thank you so much,” I said, because I could think of nothing more adequate.

“When Victor gets home, give him a cuddle from me and tell him I’ll see him soon,” she said. “Try not to upset yourself too much over this. For the next little while, you’ll need all your strength.”

“Okay,” I said.

“I’ll be there as soon as I can,” she promised. “Don't worry. Everything’ll be all right.”

[stargazer-sims]

Journal Entry #23 (part one)

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Yuri

Complacency is dangerous.

I’m sorry to say, this week I’ve learned that lesson the hard way. More than sorry, in fact. I bitterly regret that yet again I failed to see something which should have been obvious, because I was so wrapped up in the illusion of my perfect little life. That’s my weakness. I know it now, and I know I have to change, not just for myself but for Victor too.

The problem is, I think I’m scared of the real world. The one I’ve been believing in is so much better. In that one, there’s always someone to take care of me, shower me with affection, protect me and shelter me from everything that’s bad. But in the real world, there’s pain, stress and complex interpersonal relationships, and there are no heroes who'll swoop in to save the day and create a happy ending.

Even the strongest people are fallible. Even the ones who love us most can still hurt us. Even the ones we feel safest with can’t shield us from everything. Unfortunately for me, I’ve often forgotten those truths, or chosen to overlook them because they were too hard to face.

All I’ve ever wanted is to be happy and safe. Until I met Victor, I didn’t know what happiness or safety felt like, and once I understood how good it was not to be sad and afraid all the time, I never wanted to experience anything that challenged or scared me ever again. I was sure I’d found a willing protector in Victor, and I’d selfishly placed almost all the burden of responsibility for my happiness and safety on him, and took on very little for myself. Worse, I don’t think I’ve ever taken nearly enough responsibility for his happiness, much less my own.

That position is unsustainable, and I wish I would’ve figured it out sooner.

If I could rewind time and go back to last Wednesday morning, I would, and I’d make different choices. The first thing I would do would be to insist that Victor call in sick from work. We might’ve avoided a lot of trouble if he’d stayed home. I might not have learned anything in that case, but at least no one would’ve gotten hurt.

Victor hadn’t been feeling well when he woke up on Wednesday. I may actually have realized he was getting sick before he did, because he was coughing through the night and it woke me up. As I was trying to get back to sleep, I noticed his breathing sounded different than normal. Most people might not even pay attention to that, but I’m ill so often myself that I think I’ve developed some sort of hyper-vigilance for signs of illness in others.

In all honesty, I’d actually expected him to stay home on Wednesday and was surprised when he chose not to. He did stay home on Thursday and Friday though, and as much as I dislike not being close to him, we mostly avoided each other in the hope that it’d lessen my chances of catching his cold. Maybe that’s something I’d want us to do differently if given a second chance as well.

On Saturday morning, I answered my phone to a woman who introduced herself as Tomiko Izumi, Victor’s boss. The fitness center is open seven days a week, but Victor only works from Tuesday to Friday, so I was a caught little off guard by the call. I don’t know why, but for some reason I’d assumed he and his supervisor would work the same shift.

“I tried calling Victor’s phone, but he isn’t answering,” Tomiko said. “This number was listed as his emergency contact.”

“Yes,” I said. “I’m Yuri, his spouse.”

I'll confess, I like saying that. It requires less explanation than ‘soulmate’ and seems to carry more power. We’ll always be soulmates, but in certain circumstances, following the path of least resistance is what’s called for.

“Well, I guess you’re best placed to know when he intends to come back to work,” Tomiko said. “That’s what I’m calling about.”

“I’ll have to get him to call you,” I told her. “I’m not sure when he’ll be ready either. Hopefully by Tuesday, though.”

Tomiko and I chatted for a couple of minutes, and she gave me some instructions to pass along to Victor.

“I hope he gets well soon,” she said. “Everyone at the centre misses him.”

“I’ll let him know,” I said, and then we exchanged goodbyes, and hung up.

After getting off the phone with Tomiko, I went to Victor’s room to check on him. I hadn’t been in his room more than twice since Wednesday evening. It felt a little strange to simply walk in, even though that’s what we both typically do when we enter each other's room. As I crossed the threshold, I wondered if I should have knocked.

The first thing I noticed was that he had his normal colour back, not pale like he’d been on Wednesday, and not flushed with fever like he’d been overnight on Thursday.

His eyes were closed, but I could tell he wasn’t asleep. I knelt beside the bed and touched his arm. "Hey,” I said. “It’s almost ten o'clock.”

It took him a second to acknowledge me, but finally he said, “Okay.”

“You’re looking much better,” I observed. “How are you feeling?”

He made a sound that was like the vocal equivalent of a shrug. “I don’t know.”

“Do you feel like getting up?”

“No,” he said.

“Do you want some tea, or something to eat?”

“No.”

“Your boss called,” I told him.

“Uh-huh.”

“She wants to know if you’re still sick. She says if you’re not going to be back by the time your shift starts on Tuesday, you’ll need a doctor’s note.”

“Okay.”

“So, do you want me to take you to the doctor, or do you think you’ll be better after the weekend?”

“I’m not going to the stupid doctor,” he said testily. “I probably won’t be better, but if my boss wants me at work on Tuesday, I’ll be there.”

“If you’re not better, she’s not expecting you back,” I assured him. I reached out to caress his cheek. “It’s okay. I can take you to the clinic. It’ll be—”

He nudged my hand away from his face. “Yuri, I said I’m not going to the doctor,” he snapped. “How many times do I have to say it?”

His tone was like a slap. Victor had never spoken to me like that before, and the shock and hurt I felt seemed almost physical. I was willing to accept a little irritability, considering that he wasn’t feeling well, but I was not at all prepared for such an irrationally angry reaction over my simple suggestion of going to the medical clinic for a quick examination and a doctor’s note.

“I… I’m sorry. I heard you the first time,” I said, my voice small and shaking. “But I’m worried. If you’re really that sick, I think you should see a doctor.”

“Can you just leave me alone, please? Stop harassing me about it.”

“I’m not trying to harass you,” I said. “I only want to be sure you’re all right. You’ve barely been out of your room for the past three days, and you haven’t been eating, have you?”

“It doesn’t matter.”

“Yes, it does. If anyone should know that, it’s you.”

“Yeah, I know, but maybe I don’t care.”

“Why?” I asked.

“I don’t want to talk about it,” he said. “Can you please just do as I asked, and leave me alone?”

“Fine,” I said, trying to force down my own sudden spark of anger. “You can have the whole house to yourself. I have to do the grocery shopping and go to the post office anyway. Then, I might see if Takahiro and Seiji want to do something. I can be gone all day if that’d suit you.”

I got up and started to turn away, but Victor caught me by the wrist. “Yuri, wait.”

“Let go of me,” I said.

Instead of releasing me, he tightened his fingers around my arm. “You can't go out. Stay here.”

I tugged against his grip. “Victor, let go!“

“You can’t go out by yourself,” he said. “Please.”

“Make up your mind!” I exclaimed. With a backward lurch, I succeeded in freeing my wrist. Unluckily, inertia continued to propel me, and with nothing holding me in place any more I stumbled and landed on my backside on the floor.

After that, It was like time stopped. The look on Victor’s face was one of absolute horror, as if something from his nightmares had become real. As for me, I gave up trying to maintain any semblance of emotional control.

“Yuri, I…” Victor began, but didn’t seem capable of getting beyond that.

“What do you want?” I shouted at him. “Do you want me to leave you alone, or do you want me to stay here? Tell me, or I’m making my own decision, and it’s not going to be to stay in this house with you!”

Victor stared at me, and not unpredictably I saw tears starting to leak from the edges of his eyes. I shouldn’t have been surprised. He cries over everything.

He climbed off the bed and started to move toward me. “Yuri, I’m sorry. I… I didn’t mean… Are you hurt? Can you get up?”

“You’re supposed to protect me,” I said. “You promised.”

“I know,” he said, his voice already strained and diminished by his tears. “That’s what I was trying to do.”

“What?”

“I want you to be safe,” he said. “But… I don’t know how to protect you. Not this time.”

“This time? What are you talking about?”

He moved closer, “Come here,” he said, holding his hands out. “Let me see if you’re okay.”

Let me see if you’re okay.

Something about that phrase made my chest constrict in instant fear. My mind flashed back to a moment over five years ago, when someone else had hurt me and had said those same words, exactly like that.

One of Ren’s favourite things to do was to trap me in the corner of a room or against a wall, a door or the refrigerator; any place he could hold me with only one arm and prevent me from moving. He’d use the other hand for… exploring.

This one time in particular, Ren had pinned me on the wall in his bedroom. He’d held me there with one hand pressed into my collarbone, while he tried to unbutton my shirt with the other. When I’d struggled a bit too hard, he let go of my shirt and used both hands to push me into the position he wanted. He shoved forcefully enough that the back of my head struck the wall. I cried out and he let go of me, and I slipped right through his grasp and ended up sitting on the floor.

I’m sure he hadn’t planned to injure me, and I think for a fraction of a second he’d been scared. He’d knelt down in front of me, and in the soft voice he usually reserved for apologies, he'd implored, "I didn't mean to hurt you, Yuri. Let me see if you’re okay."

"Don’t touch me,” I said to Victor, just as I’d said to Ren on that day five years ago.

Victor stretched his hand out toward me, not touching, but looking like he wanted to. He said, “Yuri, I didn’t mean to—“

"Don’t touch me!” This time, I yelled it so loudly my voice cracked.

Victor’s face went white, and he snatched his hand back, clutching it to his chest. ‘Dismayed’ would not have been a strong enough word to describe his expression. I saw in his face the precise moment that something inside him shattered. He inched away from me, as if now he was the one who was afraid.

Of course, I’m remembering all this in hindsight. I was experiencing it then, but I wasn’t processing it. I’m sure I was operating on pure reflex in that moment.

As soon as I judged the distance between us to be enough, I scrambled to my feet and dashed out of the room. I didn’t stop until I was shut securely behind the door of my own bedroom.

Across the hall, only slightly muffled by the closed doors, I could hear Victor sobbing; huge, noisy, anguished sobs that would normally tear at my heart and have me rushing to comfort him. But this time, I told myself I didn’t care. I was angry and scared, and it was his fault. He could console himself.

I didn’t cry. I lay on my bed and stared up at the ceiling, my mind racing frantically to interpret what had just taken place.

Calm down, Yuri, said the rational part of my brain. You have to calm down. You need to think logically and then decide what to do.

My instinct was to run as far and as fast as I could, but the rational part quietly questioned whether that was necessary. It said running would be an overreaction. I felt as if my instinct was shrieking at my rational mind to shut up, that running would be the only way I’d be safe, but eventually the thinking part won over the feeling part.

For a long time I lay still, breathing deeply in the way Victor had taught me. Fifteen-second breathing, he calls it. Breathe in slowly through the nose for a count of five, hold for three, and exhale through the mouth while silently counting to seven. The technique is meant to help manage pain, but I’ve found that it helps me settle just as effectively when I’m feeling anxious or frightened.

After several repetitions, the haze of fear and anger in my brain cleared. I still wasn’t completely calm, but at least I was once again capable of thinking logically.

I raised my arm to inspect my wrist and found myself gazing at my beautiful snowflake bracelet. It was undamaged, and when I carefully slid it higher on my arm, I saw there wasn’t even a mark on my skin beneath it. I took a moment to mentally assess the rest of my body. Other than a growing ache in my stomach, nothing hurt. I was fine.

I lowered my hands and covered my face, feeling completely foolish.

Victor wasn’t trying to hurt me, hadn’t harmed me in the least, in fact. The truth was, I’d been utterly terrified by the prospect of being restrained and I panicked. That, and I was upset and confused by Victor’s inexplicably hostile behaviour and had somehow read my own meaning into it.

I thought I’d managed to purge my mind of all the fear, pain and anger I’d lived with when Ren and I were together. I’d convinced myself that Victor’s gentleness and unconditional love for me had healed me somehow, and that my wounds had disappeared. Of course, that was a convenient lie. I'd let myself be lulled into a belief that couldn’t possibly have made sense if I’d had the will to think about it.

My scars weren’t gone. I’d only been ignoring them. In a world where I was sheltered and spoiled and adored by my loving, gentle protector, setting aside thoughts of my past trauma became easier, and instead of getting the help I probably should’ve gotten, I chose to tell myself everything was all right.

But everything is not all right.

Up to this point, I’ve been fortunate. I’ve never had any reason to fear Victor and nothing he’s done has ever triggered a memory like the one I had just relived. Victor and I frequently disagree and we do raise our voices sometimes, but he's never acted aggressively toward me in any way.

I wanted to believe he wasn’t capable of it, but now I realize he’s as susceptible to emotional outbursts as anyone else. He isn’t immune to mistakes. He’s human just like me. Stupidly allowing myself to accept the fantasy I’d created about my perfect hero led me to a place where I not only felt hurt and betrayed when the slightest thing went wrong, but also to where my complete overreaction to that imaginary betrayal had likely done very real harm to Victor.

With that revelation, the last of my anger dissipated. In its place, I was flooded with shame. How could I have been so selfish and careless?

I’d accused him of not keeping his promise to protect me, but what had I done to protect him? What had I done to even acknowledge he needed protecting? I’d realized on Wednesday that something other than a cold was troubling him, but I hadn’t pursued it. I hadn’t tried particularly hard to find out what the problem was or offered to help him fix it, and the situation had evidently grown to a breaking point.

I’ll admit, I didn’t know what to do next. I didn’t think Victor would want to talk so soon after what had happened between us, but I wanted to say I was sorry, at least. And I wanted to be near him, even if that meant I had to sit in a corner of the room while he gave me the cold shoulder.

Slowly, I dragged myself off my bed and made my way across the hall. I knocked lightly on his door.

“Victor?” I called out. “Can I come in?”

He didn’t respond, which I suppose I should’ve expected. What I didn’t expect was to discover the door was locked when I attempted to slide it open.

I tried again. “Victor?”

Several seconds passed, and then came his quiet reply. “Stay away from me.” It sounded as if he was right next to the door.

“Can you open the door, please? I want to see you.”

“You didn’t want to see me before. Why would you want to see me now?”

Because I love you. Because I was wrong. Because I’m sorry.

Those are the things I should have said. What I actually said was, “Please, don’t be like that.”

“Like what?" he demanded. "Like somebody who’s upset because he always tries his hardest and still isn’t enough?" "

"You're more than enough," I said. "You're everything."

"Whatever," was the dismissive reply. "I don’t want to see you right now, and I don’t feel like doing whatever you expect me to do to make you feel better. Just for once, let's not make it all about you, 'cause I have feelings too, you know."

“Victor—“

"I’m not opening the door, Yuri. Go away.”

“I’m sorry,” I said, but it was evidently too late in the conversation for that, because my words were met with nothing but silence.

I slid down the wall and curled up on the floor, asking myself desperately how everything had spun so far out of control.

[stargazer-sims]

Journal Entry #35

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__________

Victor

It’s been an interesting week.

I feel like I say that a lot, but maybe it’s because over the last several months we’ve had a ton of stuff going on in our lives, and I don't really know how to describe it. Sometimes it's hard to take it all in.

Yuri and I have been getting along better since our unexpected overnight stay in the Hideout. We really needed to get some issues out in the open. The fact that we got stuck there might’ve been a blessing in disguise because it gave us a chance to talk without being concerned about interruptions.

Unfortunately, despite our progress, it hadn’t been a great night. I'm sure Yuri was in a lot more pain than he wanted to admit and I’m certain the accommodations weren’t all that comfortable for him. His pain was making him restless, and he kept waking up through the night. I didn’t get much sleep either. I was too worried about him.

In the morning, he insisted he could climb down from the Hideout by himself. I didn’t like the idea, but I didn’t argue. I just told him to take his time. Getting down felt like it took ages, but we both made it to the ground without incident. Yuri let himself collapse once his feet hit solid earth, which was totally understandable in my opinion. I sat on the leaf-covered dirt and held him on my lap so he could rest for a while before we started making the short journey back to Mom’s house.

Mom was none too pleased when when we finally showed up. Apparently, she’d been texting both of us like crazy since the previous night, but since we’d both left our phones at the house, we hadn’t replied. She said she was about to go out looking for us, so it was lucky for everyone that we came back when we did.

I think Mom probably would’ve given us a lecture, but considering the state Yuri was obviously in, it seemed she thought better of it. She hugged me and made a sort of air-hugging gesture in front of Yuri, and then told us to get cleaned up. She said that she and Julian had intended to go to the farmers’ market, and with our return, the plan was back on the agenda. She’d see us when she got back, she said, and she extracted a promise from me that I’d give her a full explanation later.

I had absolutely no intention of telling her everything, but I figured I could explain in sufficient detail to satisfy her. There are some things a guy’s mother doesn’t need to know about what goes on between him and his husband, you know what I mean? I used to tell her almost literally everything, but I’m finding that lately I’m less and less inclined to share every little detail with her.

After Mom left, we went downstairs and I helped Yuri in the bath. Then I got him dressed in the warmest PJs he had with him, made sure he took his medication, and tucked him into bed with his hot water bottle. I asked him if he wanted me to stay with him for a while, but he said no, so I gave him a little kiss on the forehead and promised to check on him in an hour or so before slipping out of the room and closing the door behind me.

That was Sunday. By Tuesday, which was the day before yesterday, he was doing better, much to my relief. He got out of bed when I did, and even had a few bites of my fruit salad at breakfast.

I’ve gotten used to him picking food off my plate rather than always having a plate of his own. When it comes to eating, whatever is least stressful for him works for me. I’ve even been known to feed him when he’s really ill, as I'm sure I've mentioned before. I mean, needs must, right? I’m willing to go with anything that keeps him from becoming undernourished, and if that sometimes involves me holding the spoon, so be it.

Actually, the topic of me feeding Yuri brings me around to the really interesting thing that happened on Tuesday afternoon. Thinking that the fresh air would do him good, I coaxed him to come outside with me. It was overcast, but it was warm enough not to need jackets. We sat at the picnic table in the back yard and I patiently fed him oatmeal sweetened with maple syrup while we watched the comings and goings of several blue jays on the nearby bird feeder.

That’s when we met the neighbours from across the street.

Even if I don't know everyone in the neighbourhood personally, I thought I could at least recognize all the people who live on this block of London Street and the intersecting street, Foundry Lane. It was slightly disconcerting to realize I had no idea who the elder couple puttering away in their front garden were. I don’t know how they knew I was watching them, but at some point they started watching Yuri and me as well. Every so often, I caught them looking our way. Eventually, their inquisitiveness must’ve got the best of them because they dusted themselves off and meandered across the street.

I guessed they were probably in their late sixties or early seventies; old enough to be elders but not too old to have plenty of energy left in them. The man was thin and had a leathery, deeply lined face, like he’d spent a lot of time outdoors without sunscreen. The woman had delicate facial features that reminded me a lot of Yuri’s grandmother, who I’d met a handful of times at family gatherings I’d been compelled to go to. She carried herself with the same type of grace and economy of movement as Yuri’s mom and grandmother too. I could easily imagine this lady had been a stunning beauty when she was young.

More than anything else I could say, I’ll say this; they aren’t the least bit shy. Most people would start with hello. They started with a question.

“I hope you don’t think we’re being nosy,” the man said. “But we haven’t seen you around here before. Are you new to the neighbourhood?”

I had to smile at that. “No,” I told him. “I grew up here. Right here in this house actually, but we don’t live here now. We’re just visiting. I’m Grace Nelson’s son. Do you know her?”

“Of course,” said the woman. “Dr. Grace and Dr. Julian are lovely people. They take excellent care of our cats. If you’re her son, then you’re Victor. Correct?”

“Yeah,” I said. “You have us at a disadvantage, though.”

“My apologies. I’m Kimiko Miyazaki, and this is my husband, Robert MacAllister. You can call me Kim if you like. Everyone does.”

Her English was flawless, and I guessed that she’d either been born here or that she’d been here a very long time. Yuri and I exchanged a look at hearing her name, and I immediately thought of our former neighbour from Komatsu. Yuri seemed to brighten a little, and somehow I doubted he would be calling her by the very English-sounding nickname of Kim.

“Pleased to meet you, Miyazaki-san,” Yuri said, and I don’t think he even recognized the fact that he’d slipped fluidly from English to Japanese.

Kim’s face registered mild surprise. “Well… it’s been a long time since I’ve heard anyone but my children speak to me in my first language. And you are…?”

“I’m Yuri,” he said, blushing and suddenly looking shy and embarrassed. He slid closer to me on the bench and leaned against me. I put my arm around him and gave him a reassuring squeeze. "Okamoto Yuri."

“Yuri’s my husband,” I clarified.

Both elders were peering at us with a combination of curiosity and concern, and I couldn’t help wondering what they were thinking. Kim’s gaze seemed to drift to the half-empty bowl behind us on the table, and I wondered if she’d been able to see exactly what we’d been doing before they came over.

As it turned out, I didn’t have to wait long to find out what was going through Robert’s mind.

“Not to pry, but are you all right?” he asked. I’m sure he meant Yuri, but he was making eye contact with me.

“He’s not feeling well today,” I said.

“We’re sorry to hear that,” said Kim. “It’s good that you’re able to get outside, though. Fresh air and a change of scenery are important for the mental health, especially if you’ve been ill for a long time.”

“How do you know—“ I started.

Almost at the same time, Yuri said, "Excuse me?” He'd switched back to English, a fact that was evidently not lost on Kim.

It was her turn to look embarrassed. “I really don’t mean to overstep. I was a nurse for thirty-five years and I spent over half my career as a clinical specialist. I’ve seen a lot of people with long-term and chronic illnesses. But I realize it’s none of my business. It’s just that I notice things, and these days my mouth sometimes gets ahead of my brain.” She smiled sheepishly. “I’m going to blame old age.”

“Perhaps we ought to change the subject,” said Robert.

“Yes,” his wife replied. “That might be best. My apologies.”

“It’s fine,” I said. I glanced down at my husband. “Yuri?”

He nodded. “Yes, it’s okay. You’re right. I do have a chronic illness, but I’d rather not discuss it.”

“Certainly,” Kim said. “We can talk about something else. Where are you visiting from?”

“Matsumori Town,” he told her. "That's in Kyoto Prefecture, near the mountains."

"Yes, I know exactly where it is," she said. “As it happens, that’s where I’m from. Now, how's that for a coincidence?" I left when I was in my twenties, but I still have family that we visit every few years, and Robert and I are thinking of making a permanent move there as soon as we sell our house.”

“How long have you lived in that house?” I asked.

“We bought it about five years ago," Robert answered.

"If you moved here five years ago, that’s why we didn’t recognize each other,” I said. “I moved out around that time, and my cousin and I and another friend had one of those share houses over by the college. Then I had a place in that big apartment complex across town. You know Sage Estates? I was there until I moved to Japan."

“We know Sage Estates," Kim said. "Our son Cameron lives there.”

“The house was supposed to be our retirement home,” Robert explained. “We were going to live here with our daughter, son-in-law and grandchildren. But we’d only been in the place for a year and a half before our Hayley got offered an important job opportunity in Toronto that she couldn’t pass up. Life in a big city isn’t for us, so off they all went and left us here.”

“Us and the cats,” Kim amended.

“Yes, us and the cats and the ghost.”

I wasn’t sure I’d heard him correctly. “The... what? The ghost?”

“A lovely Japanese lady. We think we may have accidentally brought her here from Matsumori in an antique vase,” he said. “She likes to arrange flowers, so we try to cut some from the garden for her and set them in her vase as often as we can.”

Despite myself, I found that I was starting to like these nosy, quirky old people. I said, “Are you going to leave her in the house for the new owners, or are you going to take her home?”

“That depends on what she wants, doesn’t it?” he said. “She seems to like it here, but she only speaks Japanese, so she might not be happy to stay with the new owner if they can’t communicate with her.”

“You talk to her?”

“Yes. She doesn’t always understand me, unfortunately. I think it's my accent that slows us down, but she talks up a storm with Kim.”

“Maybe Yuri and I should try to speak to her,” I suggested.

At that, Yuri gave me the look he always gives me when he thinks I’m talking nonsense. It was like, Please don’t encourage them. Personally, I didn’t see any harm. If they seriously thought there was a flower-arranging Japanese ghost lady in their house, who was I to argue?

“You’re welcome to come over any time,” Kim said. “We can’t guarantee Sachiko will be around, though. She doesn’t show herself every day. But we can at least promise we’ll chat with you, and we can offer you tea and a snack.”

“And you’re welcome to use our pool,” Robert offered. “It’s heated. It’s very therapeutic.”

“Thanks. That sounds great,” I said.

We chatted for a few more minutes before Kim and Robert decided they’d better get back to their landscaping project. We said goodbye and promised that we’d come over to see them in the next day or two.

For the rest of the day, I was preoccupied with thoughts of the neighbours across the street and their allegedly haunted house. They seemed like intelligent, mentally sound people, and there was no hint of joking or irony when they mentioned their ghost. Clearly, they believed she was real. As for me, I couldn’t decide if I believed in the ghost or not. Part of me really wanted to, but another part was content to accept that existence ends when life does.

That night, as Yuri and I were getting ready for bed, I asked him what he thought about it even though I knew what he’d likely say.

“Do you think she’s real?” I said. “Sachiko, I mean. The ghost across the street.”

“About as real as mermaids and vampires,” Yuri said.

“Mermaids are real," I said.

“I know what you think you saw on Kainani Island.”

“I know you don’t believe me about that,” I acknowledged. “But regardless of whether mermaids and vampires are real or not, ghosts still could be. They’re humans, not mythical creatures.”

“Once people pass away, that’s it,” he said. “They don’t linger in suburban houses and make flower arrangements.”

“Do you think Robert and Kim are hallucinating or something, then? Or do you think they’re just making it up?”

“What I think is that they might’ve lost somebody very important to them and that it’s comforting for them to imagine she’s still with them in some way.” Yuri gave me a soft, indulgent smile. “Maybe that’s what you want to believe too. That it’s possible somehow for people you loved to still be with you.”

I shook my head. “No, that’s not it.”

“If it helps you, it’s okay to believe it,” he said. "I don’t know what it’s like to lose someone close to me, but I think any way that helps a person cope is fine as long as it isn’t harming anyone.”

“I don’t think believing in ghosts is a good way to cope at all,” I said. “Not for me anyway. I wouldn’t want to think of Dad and Caroline as ghosts. That’d be horrible, hanging around forever and constantly reliving the memory of how they died.” The idea of ghost baby Caroline being terrified and confused for eternity as she tried to make sense of her senseless death made me want to cry. “Something like that would definitely be harmful.”

“When you put it that way, I suppose so,” Yuri conceded.

“I’ve got a lot of stuff in my head that I still haven’t resolved about Dad and Caroline,” I said. “You’re not wrong about me wanting to believe they’re still with me somehow too, but I feel like it’s more emotional than supernatural or whatever. It’s just… I don’t know. I find the whole ghost thing fascinating and I want to see for myself if it’s true or not.”

Yuri was quiet for a few seconds, but finally he said, “We can go over there and visit, so you can see.”

“Wouldn’t that be weird?”

“Why would it? They invited us after all, and they sounded sincere about it,” he said. “I’d like to see the house too, although for different reasons than you.”

“Really?” I said. “Why do you want to see it?”

“Didn’t they say they’re thinking of selling it?”

“Yeah, but…” I trailed off for a moment, unsure as to where the conversation might be going. “Why do you care if it’s going to be for sale?”

“I was thinking,” he said, but he didn’t elaborate.

“About a house in Maple Grove?”

“It’s just a ridiculous idea I suddenly had.”

“What would we do with a house here, even if we could afford it? Our lives are in Matsumori.”

“Are they?” he said. “I think I’ve seen enough since we’ve been here to know that most of your life isn’t in Matsumori at all. I might be wrong, but my guess is the only really important parts of your life in Matsumori are me and the mountain. Arashiyama has to stay where it is, but I don’t.”

I frowned. “Are you saying you want to move?”

“No,” he said. “I’m not sure what I’m saying at this point, but I think we should think about our options and talk it over when we’re both ready.”

“You think a possibly haunted house is an option?” I asked.

“It’s not haunted,” he said. “But if people believe it is, maybe that’ll lower the property value and make it affordable.”

I grinned. “Well, that’s an angle probably no one thought of.”

“Let’s have a look at it and satisfy our curiosity, all right? It’s not even for sale yet in any case, and even if it were, we’re not in a position to decide anything right now.”

“Okay,” I said.

“In the meantime, the least we can do is be friendly. I don’t think I made a very good first impression today. I’d like to redeem myself if I can.”

“I’m sure you can,” I told him. “Let’s see how you’re feeling tomorrow, and maybe we can go over there.”

So, that’s exactly what we did. Yuri was feeling well enough to venture out on Wednesday afternoon, so we took some of the strawberry cupcakes I’d baked in the morning and made our way across the street. Kim and Robert happily gave us a tour of the house, and then we all sat in the living room and enjoyed a snack and some good conversation.

There was no sign of Sachiko the ghost, but we did notice the smell of flowers in a couple of rooms where there weren’t any. Robert said the scent was plum blossoms, and he told us that meant Sachiko was there even if we couldn’t see her. He showed us her vase and explained how they’d bought it from an antiques dealer in Senbamachi district about four years ago. He said Sachiko had appeared not long after they got back to Maple Grove.

Yuri said he thought he knew the antique shop in question. Apparently, it’s notorious for having purported occult objects for sale on a semi-regular basis, and it's the subject of a sort of urban legend that says it’s a hot spot for paranormal activity. I’ll admit the notion intrigued me.

“Maybe we should go there when we get back,” I said.

“See if you can get Takahiro to go there with you,” Yuri said. “His reaction will be worth it.”

“Oh?”

“He never wanted to walk past there when we were younger. Seiji and I kept daring him to go in, but he never would.”

“Have you been inside the shop, Yuri?” Robert wanted to know.

“I have,” Yuri said. ‘It didn’t seem all that unusual to me, other than some of the bizarre items the owner was selling. I saw a necklace that I thought my mother would like, but my friend Seiji talked me out of buying it for her because he thought it was cursed.“

"We’re definitely going there,” I said. “Haunted vases and cursed jewelry? I need to check that out.”

Yuri sighed. He didn’t come right out and say I was trying his patience, but I got the sense that he wanted to. I gave up the subject of the supernatural after that, and our conversation moved along to other topics. We enjoyed the rest of our visit and left with an open invitation to swim in the pool whenever we liked.

I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t a little bit disappointed about not being able to confirm the existence of the ghost, but I guess I shouldn’t have expected to. We came back in the evening to use the pool, and we smelled the plum blossom scent again. Yuri said it was likely some late-blooming plant in the garden or maybe some sort of air freshener or cleaning product.

If it was a cleaning product, I wanted to know what it was so we could use it at our house because it smelled exactly like early spring in the Hanamigawa valley. It was sweet and soothing, and it made me feel calm and peaceful.

We didn’t do much swimming. The pool water was indeed heated, and that, combined with the mysterious plum blossom aromatherapy, relaxed us to the point where we weren’t much interested in exercise. Yuri took a nap on the pool float, and I just drifted around on my back, thinking about not much of anything.

We both had an excellent night’s rest after that.

In completely unrelated news, we’re heading to North Range Provincial Park tomorrow afternoon. We’ll be staying there tomorrow night and Saturday night, and then coming back to Maple Grove sometime on Sunday.

I was worried that Yuri wouldn’t be up to it, but he says he’s well enough to go. I can tell he isn’t completely fine, but he’s improved a lot since this past Sunday, so as long as he thinks he’s going to be okay, I’m not about to question it. The fact that he’s still interested at all is a surprise, I’m not questioning that either.

I took him shopping for camping stuff today. He wasn’t into the Canadian Tire aesthetic at first, but once he tried on a few plaid shirts and realized how cute he looked in them, I think his shopping spirit was revived.

He got a fleece-lined flannel jacket, a plaid flannel shirt, a quilted vest and hiking boots, and of course he had to have accessories. In this case, his accessories of choice were two hats and a scarf. I convinced him to get thermal socks as well, despite his protests that they were ugly. Nobody was going to see them inside his boots, I reasoned, and he probably wouldn’t want to sleep barefoot, especially considering that his feet are often cold at the best of times. He decided that the jeans and turtlenecks he already had with him would be sufficient, so I was spared having to answer the inevitable question as to whether or not he looked too skinny in any potential new pants.

Shopping for a sleeping bag was more challenging than shopping for clothes. I wanted to make sure he got one that was both lightweight and rated for below-freezing temperatures, just in case we decided to camp on Arashiyama at some future point. I also thought he should have one with a built-in pillow, like mine, since that’d eliminate the need to carry along an extra item. Yuri, however, was more concerned about the colour and whether or not it’d look good in our tent. He opted for black "Because it goes with everything."

We chose a proper hiking pack for him in a shade of orange that made him happy because it reminded him of sunset, and that made me happy because of how visible it would be on a wooded trail. I liked it for the fact that it had a body strap in addition to the shoulder straps, which would help balance the weight of it and make it easier and more comfortable for him to carry. He liked it because it had a ton of pockets to help him organize all his items.

Yeah... if it wasn’t already obvious, we have different priorities.

I let him pick out a few odds and ends, like a flashlight, a small pocket knife, and an insulated drinking bottle for tea. I had a hard time imagining Yuri doing anything with a pocket knife, but he seemed to think it was a vital piece of outdoor equipment, so I didn’t protest.

The last things we bought were small waterproof bags for each of us to keep our phones and wallets in. I’d learned the value of waterproof bags from my friend Mitchell, who I’d met on Kainani Island. We might not necessarily need the bags during our weekend on the North Range, but I decided I'd use it anyway because it was a better alternative than keeping my wallet and phone in plastic sandwich bags to protect them if it were to rain.

Yuri could hardly wait to show off all his new things to my mom when she got home from work. He put on a mini fashion show for her, and she played into it by telling him how rugged and handsome he looked and taking a bunch of pictures of him. He didn’t seem to notice or care that she was treating him as if he was a little kid getting ready for his first day of school.

I’m glad he seems to have some genuine enthusiasm for camping now because I spent a disproportionate amount of brainpower in worrying that he was forcing himself to go despite how scared he was, just because he thought he should. I’m not under any illusions that he’s suddenly lost all his anxiety and fear about spending a couple of days and nights in the forest, and I’m not deluding myself into believing it’ll be an easy weekend for either of us, but I’m more confident than I was before.

I think we’ll be able to have fun, and I’m looking forward to teaching him some of the wilderness skills I learned from Mom and Uncle Stephen and from our Maple Scout leader when I was a kid. Leo said he’s bringing his guitar, so maybe we’ll even get to teach Yuri some of the camp songs we learned when we were in Maple Scouts. Almost every scout camp song is ridiculous, which automatically makes them the best.

Oh, and we even have a new ghost story to share around the campfire now. I’m already picturing Ellie’s and Leo’s reactions when we tell them about Sachiko.

We’ll let you know how the camping trip goes!

[stargazer-sims]

Journal Entry #15 (part two)

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__________

Victor

The Festival of Snow is about… snow.

That probably seems kind of obvious, and maybe even a silly thing to celebrate when you consider that anyone living in Matsumori can see snow three hundred and sixty-five days of the year if they want to, but we get a lot of tourists from all over the world and some of them have never seen snow before. I’ll bet my friends Kalani and Alana, who I met on Kainani Island, have never seen snow in their lives.

Personally, I like celebrating snow in summer because I’d never seen snow in the summertime before I came here. The part of Canada where I’m from is cold in late autumn, winter and early spring, but it doesn’t have the elevation for summer and early autumn snow. Back home, our mountain does get snow earlier than the valley does, but I doubt Granite Mountain has ever had snow in July.

The Festival of Snow has every kind of snow-related activity you can imagine, including sled races, ski races, snow and ice sculptures, snow person contests, and lots of free winter sport lessons. There’s also food, music, games, and a spectacular fireworks display at night.

One of the fun things about Matsumori is our town mascot, Arashi. Yes, she is named after the mountain Arashiyama. The kanji for her name means ‘storm’ which is kind of funny to me because she’s basically a kawaii version of a snow leopard and is the least stormy-looking character I can imagine, with her purple boots and sweater and an adorable pom-pom hat with holes for her cat ears to poke through.. She’s affectionately referred to by locals as Arashi-chan, so that should give you some idea.

Arashi’s image is everywhere, on buses and billboards and on the sides of buildings. There’s a cat café in town called Arashi’s Corner, and there’s even a statue of her in the public square at the foot of the recreation area. Someone in costume as Arashi comes out for all the festivals, and sometimes she greets tourists and townspeople alike in the public square even when there isn’t a special event going on. One of the big traditions is to take a picture with her and ask her to bring you safety and good luck on the slopes.

Mom and I encountered Arashi-chan on our way to enter the snow person contest. Naturally, Mom wanted a picture, so I asked somebody nearby if they could take a photo with my phone. They happliy agreed, so now Mom and I have a cute souvenir; a snapshot of Arashi with an arm around each of us and the slope of Arashiyama in the background.

Mom and I are definitely not artists. I wish you could’ve seen the snow person we made for the contest. They looked like they’d had a very bad day, and needless to say, Mom and I didn’t win a prize. We had a good time though, and it made me think of winters back home when we’d build funny-looking snow sculptures of ourselves and our dogs in the back yard.

After the snow person contest, Mom and I headed back to the square to catch up with Yuri. Before our photo opportunity with Arashi, we’d run into Yuri’s little sister Shirayuki and some of her friends, and they’d dragged him off to play games. The last I’d seen him, Yuki and another little girl were pulling him by the hands while a third girl was running ahead of them and shouting at them to hurry.

I’m not sure Yuri was in any shape to hurry, to be honest. After the whole rock climbing thing last weekend, he didn’t get out of bed for two days, although he was fortunately alert and well enough to work for a handful of hours each morning. He was up and around again on the third day, but the massive bruise on his hip that he’d gotten from falling off the rock didn’t look any better and he was moving like someone three times his age. By the end of the week he was better, but then we all went skating at an outdoor rink yesterday morning and we took Mom to see the local shrine in the afternoon. Yuri was so exhausted by the time we got back that he went to bed immediately, without even having dinner. I did coax him to eat a tiny breakfast this morning, but I suspected he was mostly running on caffeine, pain meds and willpower.

My prediction is, tomorrow will be when the consequences of our nonstop week will really hit him. I doubt he’ll be sitting up in bed and typing on his laptop, and I expect my Monday will be entirely spent taking care of him. Luckily, I only work four days a week at the moment, Tuesday to Friday, so at least I’ll be around when he’ll need me.

As he’d disappeared into the crowd with Yuki and her friends, I could hear Yuki chattering excitedly to him about how she was trying to talk their parents into letting her get a puppy, and she hoped to meet Arashi-chan and ask for some extra good luck. It’s a good thing Arashi’s lore says she’s magical because I think it’ll probably take some serious wizardry to convince Kenji and Rei Okamoto to adopt a dog.

As we re-entered the public square, I took a moment to look around. The whole area was decorated with all kinds of banners and paper lanterns, and it looked super festive. Around the outside, people who were much better at art than me and my mom had constructed these enormous snow sculptures. There was even a gigantic ice statue of Arashi.

We found Yuri sitting on a bench with his little sister. They had their arms around each other, and it looked to me like Yuki might’ve been holding him up. He looked absolutely done.

“Hey!” I called out as soon as Mom and I got close enough. “Yuri, did you lose your fan club?”

“They went off to a free skiing lesson,” Yuri said.

“You didn’t want to ski, Shirayuki?”

“Nope,” she said. “I wanted to hang out with my favourite big brother.”

“I’m your only big brother,” Yuri pointed out. He looked up at me. “How was the snow person contest?”

I grinned. “Fun, but we’re terrible at it.”

“Victor’s only slightly terrible,” Mom said. “I’m utterly hopeless at it.”

“You’ll have to take me over there to see all the entries later, so I can judge for myself,” Yuri said. “I doubt either of you are as bad as you think.”

“No, we definitely are,” Mom said. She sat down next to Yuri on the bench. “You look cold.”

“A little,” he admitted. “I could use a hot drink.”

“Shirayuki,” I said. “Why don’t you come with me, and we’ll see if we can find something nice for Yuri? Hot chocolate or tea or something.”

"Okay,” she said. She jumped off the end of the bench and straight into my arms. “You can carry me, Victor. Yuri isn’t strong enough to do it.”

“I think he’s strong enough,” I said. “He’s just really tired today and needs to rest. Right, Yuri?”

Yuri gave me a grateful look. “Yuki, maybe if you ask Victor nicely, he’ll get you some hot chocolate.”

“Sure,” I said. “Is hot chocolate what you want too?”

“I really want sage green tea,” he said.

“Got it. Mom, do you want anything?”

“Hot chocolate sounds great, please and thanks,” Mom said. “If you’re going for hot drinks, I’ll stay here and keep Yuri company until you come back.”

“Sounds like a plan,” I agreed. “Ready, Shirayuki? If I carry you over to where the vendors are, then you have to return the favour by helping me carry the drinks back here. Think you can do that?”

“Yeah,” she said. “That sounds fair. And you can just call me Yuki, you know. You’re family.”

I’m glad at least somebody from your house thinks so, is what I almost said, but quickly decided Yuki really didn’t need to be burdened with her parents’ prejudices or her older sister’s jealousy. She’s a sweet and pure soul just like her brother, and I have almost the same instinct to protect her as I have to protect Yuri. She might not understand why her parents and sister don’t like me, or maybe she would, but I didn’t want her to have to think about it.

Instead, I said, “Thanks. I always imagined my little sister would be just like you.”

My little sister.

My sister, Caroline Isabella Grace Nelson, would be twenty-two now if she were alive, and I wonder if she really would have been like Yuki when she was a child. I would’ve loved to have someone at home to play with growing up. I think about her sometimes and try to picture us playing soccer and climbing trees and running around with our dogs.

The Caroline in my imagination is vibrant and kind and beautiful, and she has Dad’s auburn hair, luckily missing out on the weird genetic defect that’d turned mine completely silver like an old man’s by the time I was thirteen. Caroline would be in university now, or maybe travelling the world and falling in love. Trying to find her way, just like me.

Of course, all of that is wishful thinking. The last time I’d ever laid eyes on Caroline, she was waving at me and Mom from her booster seat in the back seat of Dad’s car, strands of wavy auburn hair already sneaking out of her pigtails, and purple plush elephant clutched in the hand that wasn’t waving.

Be safe, Thomas, my mom had said to my dad. She’d blown a kiss to him, and I blew one to Caroline because six year old me thought that’s how you were supposed to say goodbye to people you loved when you weren’t close enough to hug them. I hadn’t known that it would be our very last goodbye. To this moment, I’m thankful my dad and sister knew they were loved on their final day.

I pulled my thoughts back to the present when I realized Yuki was poking me. “Victor! Are you okay?”

“Yeah,” I said. “Sorry.”

“We’re supposed to be getting hot chocolate, remember?”

"Right,” I said. “Mind if I put you down for a second? You’re too heavy for me to carry in my arms all the way over to the food stands.”

“Oh.”

“I can give you a piggyback ride instead, if you want.”

“Yes, please!” she said. “Piggyback rides are my favourite thing. I already asked Yuri, but he said he couldn’t.”

“I know,” I said. “But I’m sure it’s not because he didn’t want to. You know he can’t always do everything he’d like to do.”

“I know,” Yuki said.

“Maybe he’ll be able to another day.”

“Know what I think?” Yuki said, once she was settled comfortably on my back and we were trotting off in the direction of the vendors. “About Yuri, I mean.”

“I can’t even guess. What do you think?”

“I think he’s really brave.”

“You know what? I think so too,” I said. “What makes you think he’s brave?”

“Because he doesn’t feel sorry for himself when he can’t do stuff. I think a lot of people would just give up because it’s too hard and they’d be all sad and depressed about it, but Yuri isn’t like that.”

“Sometimes he does get sad and depressed when he can’t do stuff,” I told her. “It’d be surprising if he didn’t. But, he doesn’t let himself stay that way.”

“Yeah, and I know why,” Yuki said.

“Oh?” I inqured. “Why’s that?”

“Maybe this isn’t the whole reason, but mostly I think it’s because of you.”

“Really?”

“He used to be a lot more sick before he met you, or… maybe not more sick, but like, he didn’t care as much about getting better whenever he didn’t feel good. I don’t know. It’s like how all the trees in the valley look dead and gross in the spring, and you think they might not come back to life, but then it stops snowing and the sun comes out.” She paused, as if giving all of that time to sink in, and then concluded, “Yuri is the tree and you’re the sun.”

“That’s…” I began, and then had to pause for a moment myself. “That’s pretty insightful, Yuki.”

“Yeah,” she said. “Mama says I’m perceptive. That means I notice stuff about people.”

“You’re right, and you know what? You’re just like your brother that way. Yuri notices stuff about people, too. That’s why he’s the sun to my winter tree.”

“You really love Yuri a lot, don’t you?”

“I love him more than anyone else in the whole world,” I confessed.

“Are you going to marry him? Because, if you do, I want to be in your wedding and wear my princess dress.”

I laughed. “No, we’re not getting married. We’ve already got exactly what we need, and a wedding or an official piece of paper from the government wouldn’t change a single thing. But,” I added, “If you really want to wear your princess dress, bring it over to our house sometime. Yuri and I will dress up with you, and we can have a fancy banquet and ball in the dining room.”

“Can we really do that?”

“Sure. Why not?”

“Awesome!” she exclaimed. “When I’m staying at your house while Mama and Papa are away in the city, I’ll remember to bring my dress.”

That was news.

I did my best not to sound like I’d been caught off-guard. “Did Mama and Papa already talk to Yuri about you staying with us?”

“I don’t know,” she replied. “Mama said I was going to. I can, right?”

“Of course you can,” I said. “But your parents have to ask us first. That’s the rule.”

I’ll definitely have to discuss this with Yuri later. Today hasn’t been the calmest day of our lives, but I feel like this was something Yuri wouldn’t neglect to mention to me if he’d already known about it. In turn, that makes me think he knows even less about it than I do. I’m sure he wouldn’t say no to Yuki staying with us, but I’m equally certain that he would not be at all impressed by his parents blithely assuming they could impose on us like that.

Yuki, like most kids, didn’t stay on the same topic for long. By the time we bought hot chocolate and tea and found our way back to where Mom and Yuri were waiting, she’d already moved past the topic of staying at our house. She told me about her plans for when the current school holiday is over, enthused about her favourite boy band Sugar Valentine, and gave me a whole monologue about the previously mentioned puppy.

Yuki sat on Mom’s lap and Yuri sat on mine while we enjoyed our hot drinks. I caught Yuki glancing at Yuri and me every so often and smiling like she knew a secret we didn’t. She is one seriously cute kid, and I was hoping her parents would do the responsible thing and ask us if she could stay, because I really wanted her to. I could already anticipate how much fun it was going to be.

Yuri seemed to perk up a bit after cuddles and hot tea, and he suggested to Mom that they go look at the festival art exhibit since it was indoors and therefore in a warmer location. I’m not really all that into art, so I opted to go with Yuki and play in the snow instead.

We made snow angels, and then we went to get cotton candy — white and purple like Arashi-chan — and after that we decided to try our hand at some of the games.

My favourite game was one where we had to throw snowballs and hit a target. Yuki was delighted by how good I was at it, especially when the prize for hitting three targets in a row was a stuffed animal. Thanks to my good aim, Yuki ended up with a blue plush dragon, and after managing to land a snowball on five targets in a row, I also won an Arashi-chan plushie that was almost as big as Yuki. She seemed to find it hilarious when I told her I was going to give it to Yuri as a surprise present.

We took the giant plush snow leopard to the car so I could have my hands free for other games, and Yuki insisted we should sit it up in the back seat and put a seatbelt on it. We liked how that looked, but it didn’t seem like enough to us, so we squished its paw through the handle of a travel mug, spread Yuri’s red fleece blanket over its lap and propped open a snowboarding magazine.

“Wait till Yuri sees this!” Yuki said gleefully. She couldn’t stop giggling about it all the way back to the festivities.

By the time we were done making our rounds of the rest of the game booths, it was beginning to get dark, and the festival was coming alive with lights. Yuki and I wandered around admiring the snow and ice sculptures.

“Which one’s your favourite?” I asked.

“Dinosaur!” she cheered.

The brontosaurus was impressive, I’ve got to admit, but my favourite was a three metre tall snowflake carved completely from ice. The same artist had carved a human-sized bouquet of flowers that glittered like jewels in the multicoloured lights shining on them. I made a mental note to ask Yuri if he’d seen that one in particular, and if he hadn’t, I needed to bring him to view it because I was positive it’d be something he’d appreciate. He loves flowers and sparkly things.

Yuki and I were gazing at the illuminated Arashi ice sculpture when Yuki’s parents turned up. To say they looked unhappy to discover their daughter with me would’ve been the understatement of the year. Like, If looks could kill, I would’ve been super extra dead under Kenji Okamoto’s glare.

He greeted me like we were strangers, “Nelson-san.”

I bowed low, as custom dictated. “Okamoto-san.”

Yuki, as perceptive as she is, seemed totally oblivious to her father’s mood. She ran toward her parents, holding out her dragon. "Mama, Papa, look! Victor won this for me!”

Mrs. Okamoto smiled, but the expression didn’t go any further than her lips. “I hope you thanked him.”

“I did,” Yuki said. “And guess what? He said that when I stay with him and Yuri, we’re going to dress up in fancy clothes and pretend we’re at a ball.”

“I might even teach her to dance,” I said.

“I don’t think that would be appropriate,” said Mr. Okomoto. He was looking at Mrs. Okamoto, not at me, and I got the distinct impression that he and his wife did not agree at all on where Yuki should stay while they were away.

Yuki was spinning around as if she were already on a dance floor. “You may call me Your Royal Highness, Princess Shirayuki.”

Mrs. Okamoto caught her daughter as she twirled past. “It’s time for us to go home, Princess Shirayuki. Please say goodbye to your friend.”

“Bye, Victor,” Yuki said. “I can hardly wait for my dancing lesson.”

“See you later, Your Royal Highness,” I said. “The two princes at the castle will be awaiting your arrival.”

“Nonsense,” muttered Mr. Okamoto. “Yuki, we’ll be discussing our travel plans later. I’m still not convinced that we shouldn’t bring you with us.”

“Papa, the city is so boring!” Yuki wailed. “I always have to stay in the hotel, and there’s nothing to do. And you already said I was going to Yuri’s house, and—”

“We will talk about this later,” he repeated sternly. “Let’s go.”

I watched them walk away with a sinking feeling in my stomach, hoping that Mr. Okamoto wouldn’t really punish his daughter by making her go on their business trip with them, just to prove some ridiculous point. I couldn’t help wondering if he always behaved this way toward Yuki or if he was just trying to assert his authority in front of me. If it was the former, I felt sorry for her. It hurt to think that anybody’s parent would treat them like that, and it was especially painful to know that not one, but two people I love have to endure Kenji Okamoto’s particular brand of parenting.

As much as it made my heart ache to watch Yuki with her parents, it also made me infinitely grateful for my amazing, compassionate, generous mom. Things hadn’t been easy for us when I was growing up, but I never had to worry about whether or not I was loved and valued. I always knew I mattered and that I was important to her.

You matter too, Yuki, I wanted to tell that precious little girl. If your parents can’t show you, then Yuri and I will make sure you know how loved and important you are.

[stargazer-sims]

Journal Entry #34 (part one)

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Yuri

Apparently I’m going on a camping trip.

Let me state right now, I’m terrified and I have no idea what possessed me to agree to it.

No, that’s not true. I do know exactly why I said I’d do it. It was a knee-jerk reaction to being frustrated and angry, which is never a good reason to agree to anything, and of course I’m just obstinate enough to refuse to take back what I said. So, like it or not, I’m going camping.

I’ve never slept outside in my entire life, unless you count summer afternoon naps on the padded bench swing on my parents’ terrace. It’s difficult to imagine myself sleeping on the ground, and in the forest, no less. I like forests well enough and I’ve spent plenty of time on the walking trails around Arashiyama, but those are tended regularly and clearly marked, and I rarely go there at night. It’ll be a whole different story when we’re intentionally sleeping and eating and bathing in the middle of nowhere, kilometers away from civilization and electricity and possibly even running water.

Then there’s the wildlife. I can’t begin to describe how afraid I am of the possibility of snakes, wolves or bears coming near our campsite. I’m not looking forward to the probability of a million insects everywhere either.

The other thing I’m worried about is what I’m going to eat. According to what Victor was telling his mother this evening at dinner, he seems to think we’ll be living on tinned soup and beans, instant coffee, potato chips, hot dogs and marshmallows. He knows I can’t eat any of that, and in a town like this I doubt we’ll be able to find rice bread, tofu hot dogs or oven-baked potato crisps. I guess I’ll have to get used to protein bars and Gatorade, because those are the only things I can think of that are readily available, non-perishable, and safe for me to consume.

I’m also concerned about how I’ll cope for three days and two nights with Victor’s friends. Truthfully, I’m not entirely sure how I feel about them. We’ve talked in video chats several times since Victor and I have been together and they seem like good and kind people, but as Victor and I both know well, even the closest online relationship doesn’t prepare you fully for being with somebody in person. To say the least, I find Ellie and Leo overwhelming.

Leo is lovable but gives the impression of being somewhat dumb. I don’t think he’s really stupid, and my guess is that it’s more likely he’s a deliberate underachiever like my friends Seiji and Takahiro. My observation is that living comfortably at home and not having any major responsibilities to speak of seems to produce that result, particularly in men our age. I’d probably be that way too, if I’d stayed with my parents.

Unlike Seiji and Taka, both Ellie and Leo have post-secondary education and have real jobs. Ellie is a nurse and she currently works on the critical care unit of the local hospital. Leo is an early childhood educator, which I’ve learned is more than a glorified child-minder. He works at a preschool with children who are three and four years old, and along with the usual organizing of games, songs, naps and snacks, he helps to teach them academic things like colours, numbers and the alphabet. He also teaches them basic skills like how to tie their shoes or put away their toys. By all accounts, he loves his job. It seems like a perfect fit for somebody as upbeat and high-energy as him.

My biggest issue with Leo is how loud he is, and how he calls me ’little guy’ and talks down to me as if I’m one if his students. Regardless of having explained to him that I’m fluent in English and that I’m capable of understanding everything he says, he persists in enunciating in the annoyingly exaggerated way that people often use when speaking to people with intellectual disabilities or elders who are slightly deaf.

As for Ellie, I’m torn by what to think of her. I don’t appreciate how she constantly touches Victor. She’s always hugging him or putting a hand on his arm or shoulder or back, and the worst part is, I think he likes it. Last night when she was visiting, she had the audacity to steal my spot on the sofa while I was in the washroom, and when I came back, she was lying there with her head on his leg. Evidently, he hadn’t bothered to tell her I’m the only one who’s allowed to do that. I wanted to scream and I don’t know how I restrained myself.

One thing I do know is that she’s absolutely not staying in the same tent as him when we go camping. Or if all four of us sleep in the same tent, there’s no way I’m going to let her sleep next to Victor, even if that means he gets stuck between me and Leo. If she were next to him, I’d probably wake up in the morning and find her completely wrapped around him or something. I’m sorry, but that’s my position. I definitely would scream if that happened.

Despite her obvious inability to keep her hands off my husband, I can’t say Ellie is all bad. She’s loud and hyperactive like Victor and Leo, but she’s genuinely friendly and she did make an effort to respect my physical boundaries last night when she was over. I’ll give her credit for that, even if it was a little awkward.

Victor must’ve warned her not to touch me without asking, because after looking me up and down for a second, she gazed into my face and said, “So, how do I greet you? Like, do you feel comfortable shaking hands with people?”

I held out my hand to her. “Yes, I can manage that.”

She took my hand like it was made of glass, and when our brief handshake concluded, she asked nervously. “Was that good for you?”

Behind me, Victor made an undignified snorting sound in his effort not to laugh. “Uh… you know how inappropriate that sounded, right?”

Ellie immediately blushed and mumbled, “Sorry. But how else am I supposed to check whether or not I touched him the way he likes?”

“Stop, Ellie,” Victor said. “You’re making it worse.”

“It’s okay,“ I said. "Your handshake was fine, and it’s nice to finally meet you in person.”

“Same,” she said. “You’re a lot cuter in person than you are on FaceTime. Leo was totally right.”

At that, it was my turn to blush. “Why does everyone keep saying I’m cute?”

“Because you are,” Victor said.

“Why can’t I be handsome or gorgeous?”

Victor slipped his arms around me and hugged me from behind. “You’re an elegant gentleman, Yuri Okamoto-Nelson,” he said. “How about that?”

“Better,” I said. “But say it like you’re not just teasing me next time.”

He laughed. “You know what? Saying stuff like that with that adorable fake pout is exactly why you’re cute.”

I grumbled about it, but I had to concede the point. I’m too small and too baby-faced to be handsome by conventional standards. I’ll confess I like to think of myself as pretty, but since that’s not a description typically applied to men, I suppose I’ll have to settle for being cute.

Our initial failure of social coordination aside, we had a mostly good evening. Victor found a recipe online for homemade ice cream using almond milk, so I was able to participate fully in ice cream and movie night. Victor taught me how to use the ice cream maker, which turned out to be really easy, and which left me feeling proud of myself for the accomplishment of making a treat for everyone to enjoy. Now that I know it’s possible to create ice cream I can eat without self-medicating first, I really want to get our own ice cream machine once we’re back home.

Victor and Ellie agreed that I could choose the movie. I think Victor thought I’d pick a historical romance because he knows I’m really into those, but I went for something else. I found one called The Road Home about the adventures of a lost dog trying to get back to her family.

It was a sweet movie, but it was also unexpectedly emotional. It didn’t surprise me that Victor was teary-eyed by the last scene when the little dog reunited with her family, but I was shocked that Ellie was crying as well. Happy endings don’t usually make me tear up, but I was thinking about Sango, and I may have had a lump in my throat at the end.

After the film, Victor invited Ellie to spend the night and she accepted, and that’s when our good evening began to go downhill.

It was like Victor and Ellie both saw their sleepover as a completely normal occurrence, and I got the sense that in the past, standard operating procedure would have been for them both to sleep in the same bed. Honestly, I think they thought all three of us were going to share the bed, because Victor casually said, “I guess I’d better be in the middle.”

“Excuse me,” I said pointedly. “I’m in the middle. Between you and Sango.”

“Are things about to get weird?” Ellie looked somewhat perplexed. “Like, did I just get kicked out of bed before I even got in?”

Victor scratched his cheek, seeming just as confused as his friend. “Yuri, Ellie’s not going to touch you, and she and I already know from experience that this bed’s big enough for three people, so…”

“Her touching me isn't the issue,” I said. "It's her touching you."

“Uh…” Victor began.

“It’s cool,” Ellie said. “I can sleep on the floor. You’ve got a sleeping bag, don’t you, Victor?”

“Yeah,” he said. “My old one’s in the closet.”

“Maybe you can get that out for me,” she said. “Yuri, would you be okay with me staying here in the room, at least?”

I wasn’t, but it seemed uncharitable to say so. I went with, “That’s fine.”

I’m not sure I have the right words to describe what happened after that. Victor fetched his sleeping bag from the closet, and we all settled in; Victor and I in the bed, and Ellie on the floor. I was tired and I wanted to sleep, but it was fairly clear that neither Victor nor Ellie was sleepy. They spoke quietly, but it was still too much for me.

I pretended to be asleep, although I doubt Victor was convinced.

I don’t know how long he and Ellie chatted. They talked about everything, including a discussion of the upcoming camping trip that I hadn’t as yet been consulted about, and a lengthy stroll down memory lane to revisit several past camping misadventures.

Eventually, they wound down and both of them fell asleep. I was exhausted beyond the point of drifting off easily by then, and I was starting to feel an all-too-familiar cramping in my belly, so it took me much longer to find my way to slumber.

In the morning, I was displeased to find that exactly opposite of my wishes, Ellie was in our bed. She was sprawled half on top of Victor, and one of her hands was very close to somewhere if definitely shouldn’t have been. I poked Victor, trying to wake him. He rolled toward me, dislodging our bed invader in the process.

“What…?” he said sleepily.

“Your friend isn’t on the floor any more,” I said.

I glared at him, but all he offered was, “Don’t look at me like that. I just noticed too.”

I did my best to pull the blankets over my head. “Go away and leave me alone. Both of you.”

He patted my shoulder through the blanket. “I’ll take Sango out for you.”

“Thanks,” I mumbled.

Victor and Ellie both got out of bed, and as they were leaving the room, I heard him say to her. “Don’t mind Yuri. He’s not a morning person.”

By the time I got up, Ellie was gone. I found Victor in the living room, doing something on his iPad. He looked like he was deep in concentration, but glanced up from the device when I sat down next to him.

“Hey,” he said. “I’m glad you finally decided to make an appearance. You want to hear about what we’re thinking of doing this afternoon?”

“Why would I care what you, Leo and Ellie are doing this afternoon?”

“Because you're invited," he said. "Y'know, just like yesterday?"

"Right, because I'm sure I would've fit in so well with you yesterday."

"Okay, so soccer and bike racing aren't your thing. I get it," he said. "But how would you feel about going to the museum? It’s not the most elaborate collection, but is says on their website that they’ve got an exhibit on ancient musical instruments right now, and there’s always interesting stuff about the history of Maple Grove and Edenvale.”

“No thank you,” I said.

“Why not? You like history, and the museum’s nice and quiet. We were thinking about going to the municipal pool afterward. You could show off your swimming skills.”

“I don’t feel like going to the pool.”

I did want to go to the museum, but I would rather have viewed it with Victor, minus his entourage. I’m not sure what I’d expected when we left home to come here for a visit, but I’m certain spending every available hour with Victor’s friends wasn’t it. I’d been hoping the two of us would do things together, that he’d show me places around town that were important to him, and that he’d introduce me to what mattered most to him about his hometown.

Then again, maybe that’s what he thought he was doing. Perhaps the most important thing about Maple Grove wasn’t Maple Grove itself, but the people that were in it. And I was uncomfortable with them.

Victor sighed. “Okay. I guess the museum is off the table. Is there anything you want to do, or should I just assume you’re going to spend the next two weeks watching TV and reading in bed?”

“I want to spend time with you,” I told him.

“You could do that, if you’d agree to anything I’m asking you to do with me,” he said, sounding annoyed.

“With you,” I repeated. “I want to spend time with you.”

“You don’t want me to be with my friends. Is that it?”

“No, that’s not what I said. You can be with your friends, but it’d be nice if you could pay attention to me.”

“What do you think the museum idea was about?” he demanded. “You think Leo and Ellie are into that? We were trying to think of something you’d like, so we could all do stuff together and so you could get to know them better, but I guess you’re not interested in knowing them, are you? I was going to suggest that you should come up to the North Range and camp with us this weekend, but you probably don’t want to do that either.”

“Fine,” I said. “If you’re telling me the only way to be with you right now is to be with your friends as well, I’ll go to the North Range.”

“Try not to make it sound like a chore.”

I bit back the sharp reply that was on the tip of my tongue. Instead, I took a deep breath and held it for a few seconds. I released the air as slowly and quietly as I could. "I didn’t mean to,” I said. “I’ll go camping with you. I’ve never been camping before, but I can learn.”

“Nobody’s forcing you, so don’t feel obligated.“

"I’ll go,” I said.

He shrugged. “Okay. Whatever.”

Don’t make it sound like taking me with you is a chore, is how I wanted to respond, but what I said was, “Do you actually want me to go with you?”

He looked offended. “Yeah, I do. Why else would I have asked? But if you’re only doing it because you think it’s what I want…” He trailed off, shrugging again. “No, never mind. Let’s just try to make the best of it, all right? I’ll look out for you. It’ll be fine.”

“Okay.”

“Who knows? You might even find something to like about it.” With that, he set his iPad down and stood up. “Mom left me a list of chores, so I’m going to get going with that. Once you’re dressed, come outside and join me if you feel like it.”

I did not go outside, other than to take Sango for a walk. I passed a significant part of the day working because, unlike Victor, I’m not on administrative leave from my job. Luckily, I almost always work remotely, so as long as I meet my deadlines it usually doesn’t matter where I am. I filled up the rest of my day playing with Sango and reading.

I didn’t see much of Victor all day, even though he didn’t go anywhere. He was busy raking leaves and doing other yard maintenance while his mother was at work, and I think he went for a bike ride at some point. His friends didn’t show up in the afternoon. I have no idea what he might’ve told them, and frankly I didn’t care to know.

When Dr. Grace got home, she cooked a meal of tarragon seasoned chicken, rice and steamed carrots. I ate as much as I could, and I was sorry when I had to tell her that I wasn’t feeling the best and couldn’t finish everything on my plate. I hated disappointing her, particularly because she made the effort to prepare something I like, but there was nothing to be done for it.

Victor and I barely spoke to each other during dinner, but he was his typical chatty self with his mother. He told her that he and his friends were thinking of taking a drive to nearby Edenvale for mini golf and amusement park rides. I hadn’t even been invited to that, so I guessed he’d given up hope that I’d say yes to any further group activities he proposed.

After dinner, Victor stayed in the kitchen to help his mother clean up, and I went downstairs to attempt to figure out exactly what roughing it in the great outdoors might entail. Less than five minutes of internet research had me turning my phone off and hiding it under my pillow.

Resigned, I dragged my luggage into the middle of the room, and opened my biggest suitcase on the bed. I was sure I was in no way prepared for the adventure that lay ahead of me. A quick perusal of my clothing and accessories told me as much.

I was in the midst of that futile exercise when Victor came in. His expression was unreadable, but he didn’t appear obviously moody or angry. I was grateful for that small mercy, at least.

“Yuri, what are you doing?” he asked.

“I’m trying to get ready to go camping,” I said.

“You were serious about that?”

“You thought I wasn’t?”

He didn’t answer, perhaps because he assumed there was no correct way to do it. He looked from me to my luggage and back again. “You can’t bring your suitcase,” he said. “There’s only so much space in Leo’s car, and we’ll need most of it for gear and supplies. We’re only going for two nights. You can put a few things in a backpack.”

“I know I can’t bring a suitcase,” I said. “I’m just trying to choose my outfits. What am I supposed to wear? I don’t think I have anything appropriate for the forest.”

“Jeans and sweaters are fine,” he said. “There’s no dress code. I wouldn’t bring any of your designer sweaters if I were you, though. In fact, don’t bring anything you don’t want to get dirty.”

I bit my lip. “That narrows it a lot. Now I really don’t know what to pack.”

“I’ll tell you what,” he said. “Why don’t you put all this stuff away for now? I’ll help you figure it out in the morning, and if you really don’t have anything appropriate, maybe we can go to Canadian Tire or the Work Warehouse and find you some stuff.”

“But… those don’t sound like places where I’d like to shop.”

“The places you like to shop probably don’t have what you need for camping,” he said. “Trust me, okay? We’ll get you outfitted for the woods.”

"Okay,” I said.

“We should pick up a sleeping bag for you, too. You could probably borrow Mom’s, but you’re going to need your own when we go to Brazil, so we might as well get it now.”

“We’re going to be sleeping in a tent in Brazil too?”

“Not the whole time, but if we're gonna do the rainforest tour, yeah," he said. "You want the full experience, right?"

“I… I don’t know if I want that full of an experience,” I said, all of a sudden feeling very scared about our future excursion to South America. “I think I’d rather sleep under a proper roof and behind a door that can be locked.”

“Why don’t we see how things go this weekend," he said. "After that, we'llrethink the whole Brazil situation. Maybe we'll have to go somewhere you think would be more acceptable."

I peered down at the contents of my suitcase, disheartened, and reached into my mind to find even the tiniest spark of excitement for our weekend plans. As much as I wanted to feel something other than anxiety, fear and guilt, at that moment those were the strongest emotions I had.

My throat began to ache and I could feel myself starting to shake a little. “Is it too late to change my mind?”

“About this weekend, or Brazil?”

“I meant this weekend.”

“I already told you that you don’t have to go with us, didn’t I?” Victor said. “I’d really like you to, but it’s your choice in the end.”

"It won’t be much fun for you if you have to look after me the whole time," I said.

“Look, everyone knows it’s going to be your first time. Nobody’s going to expect you to do anything on your own, if you’re not ready for it,” he said. “If you’d let Ellie and Leo help, we could all look after you. We could be in it together and maybe it would be fun. They want to be your friends, and it’s starting to get super uncomfortable for me to keep making excuses for you for why you don’t want to be around them.”

“I’m sorry. It’s just…”

“Just what?”

“Nothing,” I said. Frustrated by my own lack of courage, I closed my suitcase more forcefully than I’d intended. “Never mind.”

Victor gazed at me for a long moment. “Correct me if I’m wrong, but it doesn’t look like nothing to me. You want to tell me about it?”

On one hand, I did want to tell him about it because I wanted him to comfort me, but on the other hand, I was too embarrassed to confess that the problem was my utter failure at overcoming my fear. I was angry with myself for making a spur of the moment decision I was too stubborn to back out of, yet simultaneously too frightened to follow through on. And I’d have to do it all in the company of people that I was too ashamed to admit made me anxious by their mere presence. All of this could’ve been forestalled if I’d only used a bit of logic and said no in the first place. If I was miserable now, it was nobody’s fault but my own.

I shook my head. “Can you… can you just hold me, please?”

He came over to me and gathered me in his arms. “What’s wrong?”

“My belly hurts,” I said. It wasn’t a lie. I did have a gnawing pain in my stomach, and it felt like the type that was likely to get worse before it got better. My mental state wasn’t helping it improve either.

Victor stroked my back, his hand moving in a long, firm, calming rhythm. He said, "Is this a 'my belly slightly hurts and I want cuddles and sympathy’ sort of thing, or is it hurting really bad?”

“It’s moderately bad,” I said. “I’m functional, obviously, but I don’t feel great.”

“Do you think this is the start of a flare-up?”

“I don’t know,” I tried to say, but my voice caught on the last word.

Suddenly, I found myself fighting tears. I clenched my jaw, determined I was not going to cry. I hate crying. It’s humiliating and I always feel exhausted and horrible afterwards. I tightened my arms around Victor and pressed my face into his shoulder, clutching fistfuls of the soft fabric of his sweater.

“Yuri.” Victor said my name softly. “Tell me what’s really wrong.”

“My stomach really hurts,” I said.

“Would you feel better if I said you don’t have to go camping? I’ll stay here with you. We’ll think of other stuff to do.”

“No.” My throat was so tight, I could barely speak, but I somehow got out. “I don’t want to ruin the weekend for you. I always do that. it’s not fair, and I… I’m sorry.”

“You won’t be ruining anything.”

“Leo and Ellie won’t go without you. I’d be ruining it for them.”

“They’d understand,” he said.

I wondered if they would, and I wondered if Victor truly did.

Their love for each other is so deep and strong that it’s impossible to misread it as anything else. I’ve witnessed it firsthand when they’ve been over here to visit. When he’s with them, Victor is happier and more at ease than I’ve ever seen him.

A terrible realization hit me then. As much as I wanted to be with him myself, I’d already taken him away from Ellie and Leo for two years, and in a couple of weeks I’d be doing that again. His time with them now is precious and I didn’t want to be held responsible for shortening it. I could imagine how much more Leo and Ellie would resent me than they probably already do, and how Victor might resent me too, even if he swore he wouldn’t.

“I’m sorry,” I said again, because I couldn’t think of anything else.

“Please don’t say that,” Victor said. “I need you to actually talk to me, okay? If you’re sick, I get that, and I get it if you’re nervous about going to the North Range, but the way you’re acting lately is just… I don’t know. I’m worried about you.”

“I wish I wasn’t here,” I whispered.

“What? When we first got here, you said you were glad we came," he said. "Why would you say you don't want to be here now?"

“I ruin everything.”

“I don’t understand what you’re talking about,” Victor said.

“Everything,” I said. “I made you choose between me and your friends. I made you leave your home and the people you love most, and I’ve gotten you into situations that would never even have existed if it weren’t for me. I’ve been trying so hard to be less clingy and needy, but I don’t know how to do it, and… and I’m scared, and…”

I had to stop at that point because I could feel my composure starting to slip. I bit down on the inside of my cheek until the pain of it rivaled the pain in my stomach and I tasted my own blood in my mouth. It gave me something to focus on besides the flood of tears I was desperate to avoid.

“Yuri, you didn’t make me leave,” Victor said. “I left because I wanted to, because I love you and I wanted to be with you.”

“Do you regret it?” I asked.

“Being with you? Never for a second.”

“No. I meant leaving home.”

He fell silent, and for a moment my ragged breathing became the loudest sound in the room. I gathered every scrap of willpower I had, ordering myself not to panic. I was afraid he was going to say yes.

Several seconds later, he did.

“I have to tell you the truth,” he said. “Sometimes I do wish I’d never left here, and I’ve been feeling that a lot this past week especially, but I promise it has nothing to do with you. I love you, and if I magically got a do-over, I’d still travel halfway around the world for you.”

“Would you?” I said. “Knowing what you know now?”

“What do you mean?”

“Knowing how you’d always have to take care of me, and how there’d be so much drama with my family, and how you’d be thousands of kilometers away from everything and everyone you care about.”

“I care about you,” he said.

“I know, but I’m one person.” I sighed. “If you really want to be honest, tell me something.”

“What?”

“If you could have your dream life, what would it look like?”

“It’d look like this. Like me being with you.”

I pulled away from him, so I could look into his eyes. “No,” I said. “Don’t tell me what you think I want to hear. Tell me what you’d wish for, if you could live in an ideal world.”

“I’d be with you,” he said, beginning to cry. “Yuri, I don’t understand what you’re asking. Do you… do you not want to be with me? Because I thought—"

"Listen to me,” I said. “I’m not asking you about us. I’m asking what you want right now. If you could live anywhere, be anything, have any specific people around you, what would that be like?”

He shook his head. “You really don’t want me to tell you.”

“Yes, I do.”

“Okay.” He drew in a breath and let it out shakily. “If we’re talking about an ideal world, you’re right. I never would’ve left Maple Grove. I would’ve stayed here and kept working as a personal trainer and swimming coach, and I’d be volunteering at the dog shelter. I would’ve stayed with my family and friends, and maybe some day I would’ve gone to university to be a nurse or physical therapist.” He looked away from me briefly and when he returned his gaze to mine, there was pain in his eyes, mixed with a white-hot spark of anger. “But I gave all of that up. For you. Do you understand how huge that is? I gave up everything because I thought you were everything.”

“You thought…”

“This conversation is pointless,” he said. “I made my choice and now I’m living with it. That’s all. There’s no perfect world, only this one.”

“But—”

“Why did you even make me tell you?”

“Because I needed to know," I said.

“Why? What do you get out of it?”

“Nothing,” I said. “It wasn’t about me.”

His voice was flat yet somehow still accusatory. “It’s always about you.”

“It’s not,” I said. “At least, I don’t want it to be. It’s like I told you in Kyoto. I want to take care of you. I’m—“

“If that’s what you think you’re doing, you’re doing it wrong,” he said. “Dumb hypothetical questions don’t do anything for me. Maybe instead of torturing me with something you know I can’t have, just try to see things from my point of view for once.”

“That is what I’m trying to do,” I said.

He opened his mouth as if he was about to reply, but quickly closed it. Abruptly, he turned toward the door.

Halfway out of the room, he glanced over his shoulder. “Do whatever the hell you want about the camping trip, because I’m deciding right here and now that I’m going anyway. I’m going to get as much out of my time here as I can because who knows when I’ll get to come back here again after this?”

“Victor—“

"I’m done talking about it. Seriously, do whatever you want. I don't care,” he said, and then slammed the door behind himself as he departed.

I stood there for perhaps a full minute, staring at the closed door, trying to figure out at which point our conversation had taken such a drastically wrong turn, and asking myself what I should do next. In the past, I would’ve let Victor run off to sulk in whatever corner he happened to find convenient. This time, however, I decided I wasn’t going to allow him to walk away from me before we were finished talking.

I opened the door and ascended the basement stairs as quickly as my aching body would allow. Entering the kitchen, I was just in time to catch a glimpse through the glass garden door of Victor’s red sweater disappearing around one of the trees in the backyard.

i didn’t pause to put on my coat. I stepped into my shoes and ran out the back door after him.

[stargazer-sims]

Journal Entry #31

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Yuri

We got married again.

That sounds funny when I say it out loud. I suppose I might as well say we got married, full stop, because what we did at the courthouse in Kyoto was only a partnership certificate. Our marriage at the Maple Grove courthouse yesterday was our legal marriage, but it felt like such a non-event after what happened in Kyoto that it's difficult to think of this as the real one. Victor and I will always celebrate the eighth of October as our anniversary, regardless of the fact that the date of our legally-recognized marriage is actually October fifteenth.

We didn't make a big fuss over our ceremony yesterday. Dr. Grace came with us and was one of our two required witnesses. A random courthouse employee whom we didn't even know was our second. We used the standard vows, with the Justice of the Peace reading out one line at a time and each of us repeating after her. "I, Yuri Okamoto, take Victor Nelson as my lawfully-wedded husband," et cetera.

We exchanged rings too, which was a little awkward. Victor and I decided beforehand that we'd use our promise rings for that, since we'd already agreed that we'd never take our wedding rings off. So, we'd each slipped the black and gold bands from our right ring fingers and gave them to Dr. Grace before the judge came in, and when we got to that part in the ceremony, she passed them to us so that we could return them to their proper places again.

The judge looked at us a bit oddly when she noticed us putting the rings on each other's right hand, but then I guess she noticed the heart-shaped rubies on each of our left ring fingers because she nodded and offered a slight smile.

I think Victor's favourite part was when the judge officially declared us married. "I, Sarah-Lynn Ford, by the powers vested in me by the Ontario Marriage Act, do pronounce you, Victor Nelson and Yuri Okamoto, to be married." And then, "You may exchange a kiss as a token of your joy."

A token of your joy. I have to admit I liked that part too.

After that, we signed the marriage register along with our two witnesses, and it was done. We've sealed our bond twice, and I think it's fair to say that nothing will ever break it.

Once our appointment at the courthouse was concluded, Dr. Grace drove us all to the neighbouring town of Edenvale and treated us to lunch at a cute little country-style café called The Bread Basket. She asked us if we wanted to have a party or gathering to celebrate our marriage, but we said no. I was happy to have an intimate celebratory lunch with just us and her, and I think Victor was as well. Typically, I would've expected Victor to say yes to a party, but it seemed this was something he'd prefer to absorb quietly. Perhaps he'll be more inclined to celebrate once the reality of it all fully settles in.

Following our wonderful lunch, Dr. Grace took us to a shop that sells high-end linens; towels, washcloths, sheet sets, blankets and the like. She wanted us to have a wedding quilt, which is apparently a tradition in her family.

All the quilts were beautiful, and it was so difficult to choose. Eventually, we settled on one with a cream coloured background and a red and gold border. In the middle, there are two maple trees, a red and a gold, with their branches entwined. The trunks of the trees and each individual leaf appear to be separate pieces of cloth stitched onto the background. The reverse side is made from gold fabric with a red maple leaf pattern.

We'd picked it from a display of quilts near the front of the shop, and the lady behind the counter told us it was handmade by a local artist. She said all the quilts on that display were handcrafted.

"Each of them is a one-of-a-kind work of art," she informed us proudly.

It was ridiculously expensive, which is entirely justifiable for a handmade item, but even I did a double-take at the price tag. It's not that I didn't believe it was worth the cost, but more that I was worried about whether or not Dr. Grace could afford it.

For her part, Dr. Grace didn't even flinch when she saw the tag pinned to a corner of the quilt. "If this is the one you want," she told us, "this is the one you'll have."

The woman at the counter folded it neatly and wrapped it in brown paper for us, and I carried it out to the car. I couldn't stop thanking Dr. Grace for such a lovely wedding gift, and I think I might've embarrassed her a little because she told me, not unkindly, that thanking her once for it was sufficient and that she hoped we'd have many good years with it.

"Can we use it now?" Victor asked. "Like, tonight?"

"On your wedding night? I'd imagine you would," said Dr. Grace, looking amused.

Nothing exciting happened on our second wedding night, not like our first wedding night in Kyoto, but it was amazing nevertheless. We unwrapped our beautiful new quilt and spread it on the bed, and then we snuggled beneath it and drifted off. To me, it was perfect. I couldn't imagine a better feeling than falling asleep in each other's arms, entwined like the branches of two young maple trees.

[stargazer-sims]

Journal Entry #30

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__________

Victor

Check this out! Selfie with my mom!

I guess that’s a dead giveaway as to where I am right now, isn’t it? We’re standing in front of her house in our mother-son photo, so you’ve probably already figured out that I’m in Maple Grove.

After nearly two years away, coming home feels odd. In some ways it’s as if I never left, but in others it’s like I’ve stepped into a place I no longer recognize as mine. The strangest part is, I can’t put my finger on any specific thing that’s different. I guess maybe it’s me that’s changed.

Even so, I’m glad to be here. It’s great to be with my mom and the dogs, and to sleep in my old room and to reminisce about times when my life was far less complicated than it is now. I’m looking forward to the chance to relax.

Don’t get me wrong; our stay at the hotel in Kyoto was a welcome escape from what's happening in Matsumorii. It did have its moments of relaxation, but it’d been such an eventful, emotional roller coaster of a week that I’d be grateful if nothing much at all happened while we were staying with Mom. And seeing as we’re now in Maple Grove where nothing much ever happens anyway, I’m hopeful that I’ll get my wish.

We went back to Matsumori after checking out of the hotel on Saturday morning, and then spent the remainder of the weekend doing household chores, finalizing our international travel plans, and unpacking and repacking our suitcases. I want to say it was almost life as normal, but it really wasn’t because even though a lot of the stuff we were doing was ordinary and mundane, we did it all with the cloud of our ongoing problems hanging over us.

Yuri has been down ever since he found out that his mother is going to the States for six months. That news was a shock to both of us, but he’s taking it particularly hard. Yuri and his mom are a lot closer than I realized, and although we haven’t talked about her impending departure all that much, I think he’s scared by the idea of being without her for that long. I can empathize. Aside from her visit back in the summer, I’ve been away from my mom for way more than six months, and sometimes it’s really hard. Like, sometimes you just need a mom hug and when she’s not there it can feel pretty lonely no matter who else is around.

I know we’ll talk about it when Yuri’s ready, but for the time being, I have to let him work through everything in his own mind. Whenever he needs me, I’ll be here.

As for me, my biggest worry over the weekend was my meeting with Tomiko and our General Manager, Mr. Ogawa, on Monday morning. Yuri and I discussed it and we decided that if Mr. Ogawa continued to insist on me speaking to the police, then I should. I didn’t want to, but in the end I understood that it probably was the best choice.

I need not have worried so much about the meeting with my boss, as it happened. Mr. Ogawa is a reasonable person, and he wasn’t angry that I hadn’t reported what happened with Ren in the training room. He was genuinely concerned that I might’ve been seriously hurt, and if he was angry with anyone it was with Ren.

Mr. Ogawa told me that Ren had been permanently banned from the fitness centre as of Saturday, and that he and his figure skating coach would have to find somewhere else for him to train. I was glad Ren would never be coming back to my workplace, but at the same time I was scared that he’d blame me for getting him kicked out and try to find some way to take his anger out on me.

On Monday afternoon, Yuri went with me to the police station. Mr. Ogawa had given me the name and number of the officer in charge of the investigation, and we asked to speak to her. She took me into a little room where it was just me and her and a digital video camera. She asked me a lot of questions about the incident and recorded everything.

Yuri wasn’t allowed to come into the interview room with me, and being on my own was actually more terrifying than giving my statement to the officer. I really wished he could’ve sat with me and held my hand. Instead, we were compelled to worry about each other from a distance.

When I asked the officer what was going to happen to Ren, she said she couldn’t confirm anything, but that it was likely he’d be criminally charged for assaulting me. She asked me if I wanted that to happen, and I said yes. As much as I wanted to avoid any further conflict and drama with Ren, I realized that I also didn’t want him to get away with injuring me and threatening Yuri. I suggested to the officer that she might want to speak to Hana as part of her investigation too, and wrote Hana’s number down for her. She thanked me and said she’d follow up.

Remembering what Tomiko had told me several days before, I asked the officer about an order of protection. She told me the police don’t initiate things like that and we’d have to petition the district court either on our own or with a lawyer. She said the fact that Ren might be charged with assault would help convince a judge that Yuri and I really do need an order of protection, and she suggested we should look into it when we come back from Canada, if we continued to feel it was necessary.

One more item to add to the list of things to think about, I guess.

Anyway, bright and early on Tuesday morning we left the country, once again doing our best to put our troubles behind us.

In real time, the journey itself takes around twenty-one hours, which includes about fifteen hours of time in airplanes and several more hours of layovers between connecting flights. It’d been a long transit for us, involving multiple planes and plenty of wandering through airports, trying to decipher confusing signage. For his first international trip and his first experience on an airplane, it may have been almost too much for Yuri.

To our dismay, we discovered that Yuri gets airsick. Let me just say, the worst time to find out something like that is on the first leg of an international flight. He was miserable for most of the voyage, even after we managed to track down some over-the-counter anti-airsickness tablets at a duty free shop during our first layover, and by the time our last flight landed at the tiny Edenvale-Maple Grove airport — EMG as the locals refer to it — my poor husband was looking more than slightly worse for wear. I had to help him down the portable stairs they brought out for everyone to disembark from the plane. No fancy tunnels at our humble airport, unfortunately.

Since EMG isn't an international airport, we had to pass through Customs at Pearson Airport in Toronto so Yuri could have his electronic travel authorization checked. He’s allowed to visit Canada for ninety days without requiring a visa, but we assured the border agent that we’re not going to be here that long, so it was all good.

I wanted to laugh at the way he was admiring his first passport stamps. He was so pleased over that, one might’ve thought he won the lottery or something.

The advantage of having the immigration stuff taken care of before boarding our final flight was that once we landed at EMG, we could just collect our stuff and get out of there. Mom was waiting to meet us in the arrivals area. As soon as she saw us, she started to run toward me, arms outstretched. I had to brace myself because she literally didn’t stop until we were in each other’s arms, hugging as tightly as we could. We might’ve stayed like that for almost a minute, and by the time we finally stepped back, both of us were crying.

“I’m so happy to see you!” Mom said, wiping her eyes with the back of her hand. “I know it’s only been a couple of months since I was with you, but it feels like forever.”

“For me too,” I said. “Sorry to spring this surprise visit on you, though. The opportunity came up, so we had to take it.”

“Of course you had to,” Mom said. “I don’t mind surprises like this. What mother would ever be upset about having her son and her bonus son around?”

Yuri smiled shyly. “I like that you call me that. Your bonus son.”

“Well, you are,” Mom said. “And I’m just as happy to see you, Yuri.”

“Thank you,” he said.

“Would you like a hug too?” she asked him.

I was proud of Mom for remembering not to touch him without checking if it was okay with him first. After the day he’d had, I honestly expected him to say no, but to my surprise he took a step forward.

“Yes, please,” he said. “Just a small one.”

Mom smiled at him. “Don’t worry, sweetheart. I know how you like them. Short and to the point.”

“I promise I’m working on that,” he said.

“It’s okay,” she said. “I’m not going to expect more than you can cope with.”

“Thanks.”

Four or five seconds was his limit, but it was progress. When they let go of each other, Yuri quickly came back to me. I put an arm around him protectively, and he leaned against me. He was trembling, and I couldn’t tell if it was because of anxiety or because he was exhausted and not feeling well.

“You okay?” I inquired quietly.

“Not really,” he said. “I’m still feeling a little sick, but I don’t know if there’s something wrong or if it’s just because I’m so tired. I need to lie down for an hour or so, I think.“

“Are you in pain?”

“Yeah. A little bit.”

"Let’s go home so you can rest,” Mom said. “After this summer, I can certainly appreciate how long and tiring a trip it is. Have you boys got all your stuff?”

I counted our bags, satisfied that my one big suitcase, Yuri’s three, and our shared carry-on were there. “Yeah,” I said. “We’ve got everything.”

“I’m going to grab a baggage cart,” Mom said. “Neither of you look like you’re in any shape to carry anything. You both look like you could use a shower and a nap.”

“And tea,” I said. “I could really go for a nice hot cup of tea. The stuff they give you on the plane is lukewarm and gross.”

Mom laughed. “I remember airplane tea. I’ll make you a decent cup when we get home. How about that?”

“Sounds awesome,” I said. I angled my gaze down at Yuri. “How about you, my famous husband? Are you in the mood for tea, or do you just want to go to bed?”

He rested his head against my shoulder. “Can I drink my tea in bed?”

“I think we can let—“ Mom began, but then she realized what I’d said. I could see in her face the exact moment my words registered in her brain. "Husband?”

I’ll confess, I was grinning like an idiot. “That’s what I said.”

“Victor! Did the two of you get married? When did this happen? Why wasn’t I invited?”

“It happened last Thursday,” I said. “Nobody was invited. We eloped.”

“Last Thursday? And you didn’t think that was something you should’ve told me right away? I’ve been talking to you every day since then.”

“The reason I didn’t tell you is because we wanted to see your reaction in person,” I admitted. “Sorry, but now I know it was absolutely worth waiting for.”

“Victor Nelson, you are the living end,” my mom said.

“It’s Okamoto-Nelson now, actually,” I said. “We couldn’t decide which of us should take the other one’s surname, so we just went with both.”

“The living end,” she repeated, shaking her head. But then her face broke into a huge smile and she tried to pull both of us into an impulsive group hug. “Congratulations!”

Yuri whimpered, but bravely endured my mom’s enthusiastic display of affection for the amount of time it lasted. I think it’s fair to say we were both relieved when she released us; Yuri for obvious reasons, and me because I could tell how stressed he was from the unexpected contact. I felt bad for him. He looked like he was on the verge of tears.

“Mom, we should get going,” I said. “Yuri really needs to rest, and I’m starving. I’ll tell you all about our trip to Kyoto on the way home, okay? And if you let me drive, you can even look at our wedding photos on my iPad.”

She looked amused. “You eloped, but you have wedding photos?”

“Yeah, funny story about that,” I said “We planned to get our pictures taken before we decided to get married. They weren’t really supposed to be our wedding photos, but they are now. Come on. Give me your keys. We can continue this in the car.”

“Okay,” Mom agreed. She fished her car keys out of her coat pocket and handed them to me before trotting off to get a baggage cart for our stuff.

Our ride from the airport was uneventful. I drove, and Mom sat in the front and chatted with me while Yuri napped in the back seat.

Even that brief nap must’ve done Yuri some good, because he looked considerably better by the time we got to Mom’s house. It was apparent that he was still tired, but he’d gotten some colour back and seemed more relaxed. The three of us mutually agreed that we’d have our tea first. Then, I’d show Yuri my old room downstairs and help him settle in, and afterwards, Mom and I would bring in all the suitcases from the car.

The minute we stepped through the front door, we were greeted by a stampede of dogs, if you can say two chihuahuas and a boxer are enough to constitute a stampede. Taz, the tiny pack leader, made a beeline for Yuri, and I held my breath in anticipatory dread. The way I remembered, Taz has never been a fan of strangers and I fully expected him to start freaking out. However, to my astonishment, Taz jumped up, placed his front paws against Yuri’s leg, and wagged his tail as if he’d just found a long-lost friend.

For his part, it was like Yuri instantly forgot his exhaustion. “There are so many!” he exclaimed “And they’re all so cute!”

He bent and scooped Taz up. That would normally trigger a fit of insane howling from the resident four-legged drama king, but Taz settled comfortably in Yuri’s arms, looking like he was always meant to be there.

Meanwhile, I was delighted to find that my Rosie hadn’t forgotten me, even after my long absence. She was dancing around on her hind legs, yipping excitedly, demanding to be picked up too. Unlike Taz, Rosie is almost always ready for cuddles, and far be it from me to have denied her. I lifted her up and nestled her against my shoulder, loving the familiarity of how well she fit there.

“Looks like the Tasmanian Devil’s mellowed out since the last time I saw him,” I commented to Mom, gazing in wonder as I observed a side of Taz that I barely recognized.

“Not really,” Mom said. “He still growls at your Uncle Stephen, and he completely loses his mind every time Julian comes over.”

“Probably because Julian is the one who took away his boy bits,” I said. “I mean, you can’t blame him for holding a grudge.”

Yuri was staring at me. “Excuse me? He did what?”

“Julian neutered him,” I said. “Mom and Julian don’t treat their own animals. It’s kind of like how doctors don’t perform surgery on their own spouses or kids.”

“Yes, I get that, but it’s the kind of surgery he performed…” He looked like he was going to be sick. Lowering his head, he buried his face in Taz’s fur. “Poor baby. No wonder you hate him.”

“It’s a routine operation,” Mom said. “And it’s the responsible thing to do.”

“That’s easy for you to say,” Yuri retorted. “That’s an important part to wake up without.”

I smiled. “I think we’ve got a few more things to talk about before we adopt your fur child.”

Mom looked intrigued. “Yuri, are you getting a dog?”

“Yes,” Yuri said. “Victor says I can finally have one.”

“He’s been asking me about it since before we moved out of the old house,” I said. “He’s wanted one for ages, but it never seemed to be the right time.”

“What kind of dog are you thinking about?” Mom asked.

“A small one. One like…” he trailed off, looking a little distracted. “Oh! One like that.”

Confused, I looked in the direction he was looking. Peeking around the edge of the Dutch wall next to the washing machine was a little white ball of fluff. The small dog emerged slowly, the battle between nervousness and curiosity plain in its body language.

“Mom, who’s that?” I gestured at the small white dog with my free hand. “Did we acquire a new family member you forgot to tell me about?”

“No,” Mom said. “She’s a foster. I’ve had her for about three weeks.”

“She’s adorable,” Yuri said. “What’s her name?”

“She doesn’t really have a name. Everyone at the clinic was calling her Mop, because that’s what she looked like when she came in, and it seems to have stuck.”

“That’s awful. Mop isn’t a real name.” Yuri knelt down and set Taz carefully on the floor. He held out his hand toward the white dog. “Come here, baby. I’ll tell you what your name is.”

“Did her owners give her up?” I remembered Mom had gotten Taz that way. His previous owners left him at the clinic, and Mom ended up fostering him. He became so attached to Sugar, her boxer, that she decided she couldn’t rehome him and opted to keep him herself.

Mom sighed. “I wish they’d surrendered her to the shelter or that they had come into the clinic to ask us for help,” she said. “Julian found her in the parking lot in a taped-up cardboard box when he came in to work one morning. We had to give her the full course of parasite treatments, and she was in desperate need of the groomer.”

“Why do people do that?” I wondered aloud. “By the look of her, she’s barely past the puppy stage. How could anyone have a dog for a year and then randomly decide they don’t want to keep her any more?”

“Unanswerable questions,” Mom said. “And yes, we think she’s around a year old. She’s in good health generally, although she does have some dietary restrictions.”

I glanced down at Yuri. “Kind of like you,” I said. “Small and cute, with dietary restrictions.”

He gave me a withering look. “You’re not funny, you know.”

“I’m trying.”

“Try harder,” he said. The dog had made her way over to him and was ambitiously licking his hand. He was petting her with the other one. “Dr. Grace, what kind of dog do you think she is? She kind of looks like a Pomeranian to me, but her fur’s too short.”

“She is a Pomeranian,” Mom told him. “Possibly even a purebred, if you want my opinion. She’s had her hair done, that’s all. Having her coat shorter makes it easier to maintain.”

“Her hairdo is called a teddy bear cut,” I added.

“Poms need a trim every six weeks or so,” Mom said. “They’re high-maintenance.”

“Also kind of like you, Yuri.” I said.

“Still not funny.”

Mom made an exasperated sound, halfway between a groan and a laugh. “For goodness sake, Victor…”

“Sorry,” I said.

Yuri was clearly ignoring me at that point. “So, she’d need someone with lots of time to take care of her,” he mused. “Someone who pays a lot of attention to personal grooming.”

“She needs her nails done regularly too,” Mom told him. “Small dogs don’t wear their nails down as quickly as larger ones, so you'd have to trim and file them, or get a groomer to do it.”

“Like a dog pedicure?” He reached out, as if he was about to pick the dog up. “I could handle that.”

Mom tried to forestall him with, “Be careful, sweetheart. She doesn’t like to be picked—”

But even before she finished the sentence, it was too late. Yuri had gathered the dog in his arms and was cuddling her, and she was tentatively licking his cheek.

“You’d like to have a day at the dog spa, wouldn’t you, Sango-chan?” he said. “You’d come out looking so pretty.”

“Sango-chan?” Mom’s brow furrowed, trying out the unfamiliar Japanese words.

“Sango. It’s her name,” said Yuri. “You can’t keep calling her Mop. That's insulting.”

“Sango means ‘coral’,” I explained to my mother. “You know, the stuff in the ocean?”

“Thank you. I know what coral is,” she said. “What about the other part?"

"You mean the 'chan' part? That's a word you add to the end of names to say you think the person is small and cute."

"It's a term of affection," Yuri clarified."We use it for people we're particularly fond of, usually children, grandparents or pets."

"Sango-chan," Mom tried again. "That seems appropriate, and it is better than Mop. One of you will have to teach me how to say it properly because I'm sure I'm not doing it justice.”

“I will,” Yuri said. “And I can show you how to write it.”

“That’s a lot harder than it looks, just so you know,” i said. “I still suck at writing kanji, but at least I can do all the hiragana now, and I’m getting a lot better at reading.”

“I’ll teach you the kanji too, then,” he said. “Tomorrow, we’ll have a lesson.” He held Sango up to his face so that their noses almost touched. “You can help us, Sango-chan. You can inspire us by being cute. I think that’ll be the perfect task for you.”

Sango’s response was to dart her tongue out and lick the tip of his nose. He laughed, and so did I.

“Why do I have the feeling we’re going to be going back to Japan with this dog?” I said.

“You know how it is,” Mom said. “Once you name them, they’re yours. But if you want to leave the country with her, you’ll need medical clearances, and she’ll likely have to be in quarantine for a week or two when you get there.”

“It’s lucky we know a vet who can issue a health certificate,” I said.

“Are you serious?” Yuri asked. “Can we really take her home with us?”

“I’ll tell you what,” i said. “Why don’t we see how you and Sango get along for the next couple of days, and then we’ll decide, okay? Then, we can take her and Rosie to the clinic and Mom or Julian can certify them to travel.”

“You’re planning to take Rosie as well?” Mom asked.

“I’d like to, if you don’t mind,” I said.

“She’s your dog.”

“Yeah, but is it going to be weird for you, not having her around?”

“You know how it is around here,” she said. “This house practically has a revolving door for dogs. I’ll miss her, but with just Sugar and Taz, that’ll give me the ability to have two fosters at one time. The more dogs I can help, the better.”

“All right,” I said. 'I guess that’s settled then. We’ll be going back to Japan with at least one dog.“

"It’ll be two,” Yuri said. “I have a really good feeling.”

Watching him happily sitting on the floor and playing with Sango, I had a good feeling as well. As much as he’d talked about wanting a dog, I had to acknowledge that I wasn’t totally confident he’d be comfortable around them, but as it turned out, my doubts were unfounded. It was one of those times when I didn’t mind being proved wrong.

There’s lots of work involved in caring for a dog, and I know there'll be a big learning curve for him, but I'll admit I'm less worried about his ability to take on dog ownership than I was prior to today. I was impressed with how calm he was with them, and I’m sure they sensed his benevolence.

Training and grooming and cleaning up messes are things he can learn how to do. Kindness and patience, on the other hand, aren’t so easily taught. Dogs are smart, and they’re great judges of character. They know who they can trust, and Sango had seen Yuri as a good and safe person right away. Even notoriously antisocial Taz had been won over by his gentle spirit, and that’s saying something.

Later, as we were settling in for some much-needed sleep downstairs in my old bedroom, I could tell Yuri was still thinking about his dog. He was lying on the bed while I undressed, but he wasn’t really paying attention to me. It seemed he was staring at something in his imagination, and he had a dreamy little smile on his face.

“Hey,” I said. “Okamoto-san, where are you?”

A slight pink blush appeared across his nose and cheeks. “Oh. Sorry. Lost in my head, I guess,” he said. “I was wondering if we should’ve brought Sango and Rosie down here with us for the night.”

“If I know Rosie, she’ll be down here before the night’s over anyway,” I said. “Be prepared to share the bed with her. Or not share, more like it. She’s great at pushing people out of bed.”

“She’s… what? Three kilograms?”

“Don’t underestimate how big a chihuahua’s attitude is. In her mind, she’s bigger than Sugar and twice as strong.”

“Do you think Sango will be like that?” he wondered.

“My guess would be no," I said. "I think Sango is shy and gentle like you, but we’ll just have to wait and see.”

I climbed into bed, and Yuri immediately moved over to snuggle against my side. We were quiet for a while, and I was starting to drift off.

I thought Yuri was nearly asleep too, but then I heard, “Victor?”

“Yeah?”

"I’m really happy we came here,” he said. “It’s only been a few hours, and I already feel at home.”

“I’m glad,” I said. “I wanted you to like it, and I’m happy you do.”

“This house has so much of you and your mother in it. Even without knowing anything beforehand, I’d have recognized it was yours as soon as I walked in.” He slipped an arm around me and laid his head on my shoulder. “I hope our home can be like this some day, so people will know it’s ours the minute they come through the door. That’s the kind of home I want to build with you.”

“Me too,” I said. “Our house already feels like home to me, but I know what you mean.”

“I think the dogs will help.”

“I’m sure they will,” I said. “They’ll be part of our family.”

“You really meant it when you said we can bring Sango home with us, didn’t you?”

“Yes. I wouldn’t have said it if I didn’t mean it. I still want to make sure the two of you will get along all right before we commit to anything, but honestly, unless something major happens that changes the situation, I think you’ll be fine.”

“How could someone have just left her in a box on the street? It’s cruel and it’s sad.” He tightened his arm around me and turned a little to hide his face in the crook of my neck and shoulder. “She’s so beautiful and perfect, but she seems so vulnerable, and… I can’t imagine ever abandoning her. She could never take care of herself. She needs someone to protect her.”

“Now she’s got you, hasn’t she?”

He moved his head in a sort of nod. “I didn’t think instant love was possible,” he said. “But, now I believe it is.”

“Sometimes it’s like that,” I said. “You meet someone small and fragile and your heart just fills up with this overwhelming need to take care of them and protect them and give them whatever they need to be safe and happy.”

“Thank you,” he said.

“For what?”

“For loving me,” he said softly. “For protecting me and giving me what I need to be safe and happy.”

“Know what?” I said. “I didn’t believe in instant love either until I met you. We both know good relationships take time and effort, but sometimes you meet someone and you just know. Like, you understand right away that you’re willing to put the work in, because you know they’re gonna be worth it.”

“I’m not sure I would’ve called it instant love when we first met, but it didn’t take me long to realize I was willing to make the effort,” he said.

“Maybe I wouldn’t have called it love right then and there either,” I conceded. “But in hindsight, I think it’s fair to say I knew there was potential. And I was right. You were the best risk I ever took.”

“I’m glad you took a chance on me.”

“I’ll take a chance on you every single time, Yuri Okamoto-Nelson. You’re absolutely worth it.”

[stargazer-sims]

Journal Entry #29

previous // next // story index

_____

Victor

Big hello from the newlyweds!

Yeah, I’m not over it yet. I keep catching myself staring at my ring. I’m calmed down now compared to how I was yesterday, but I think it’s going to take a long time for the euphoria to wear off completely.

The plan for today was supposed to have been to spend the entire day in bed, or to not leave our hotel room in any event. It sounded great in theory, but we should’ve known it was unrealistic. Real life has a way of intruding on all the best fantasies.

At least we had our wedding night to ourselves. When we got back to the hotel after our afternoon of sightseeing, we ordered room service, turned off our phones and hung out the ‘do not disturb’ sign. Did you know non-alcoholic champagne is a thing? It was on the hotel restaurant’s room service menu, so of course we got some. We drank it while lounging in the hot tub, like the classy gentlemen we are.

I’ll leave the rest up to your imaginations.

Anyway, this morning when we woke up and turned our phones on again to check for messages, I saw that I’d missed about a zillion texts from my mom, my cousin Leo and my coach and co-worker Sakura. There was also a text and a missed call from Tomiko. Yuri had a missed call and a few texts from his mom too.

I figured I’d better call Tomiko immediately because judging from the tone of both Sakura’s and Tomiko’s texts, whatever Tomiko wanted to talk to me about was important. I hadn’t forgotten that I was waiting for news about my job, but this week has been such a whirlwind of events that I kind of pushed all my concerns about my regularly-scheduled life to the back of my mind.

I stepped into our suite’s kitchenette area to phone Tomiko, so Yuri and I could each have some privacy for our respective conversations. Yuri was still in bed, apparently unbothered by the fact that he was on FaceTime with his mother while in his sleepwear and looking totally dishevelled. Then again, she’d undoubtedly seen him looking worse, so maybe that’s why he wasn’t too concerned.

My fingers shook a little as I scrolled through my contacts for Tomiko’s number. She answered on the second ring.

“Izumi Tomiko.”

“Hey, Tomiko. It’s Victor. I got your message.”

“Hi Victor,” she said. “Yeah, I tried to call you yesterday, but it went straight to voicemail.”

“Sorry about that,” I apologized. “My husband and I were, uh… We were busy.”

I didn’t mention what we’d been busy doing, and I didn’t even bother to say that my husband was not actually my husband or that he had been my registered domestic partner for less than twenty-four hours. Tomiko thought we were married already, and I didn’t feel like now was the time to start explaining anything.

Tomiko was laughing. “I’m glad you’re having a good time.”

“Thanks,” I said, feeling embarrassed and slightly giddy all at once. “So, what’s up? I really am sorry I missed you yesterday.”

“It’s okay,” she said, and then her tone became more serious. “I was calling because there have been some developments. The General Manager and I had a chance to watch the security video, and he’s extremely concerned that you didn’t report that incident as soon as it happened.”

I felt my heart rate speed up, and I had to make a conscious effort to slow my breathing. My throat began to hurt .

Please don’t let me start crying.

I took the deepest breath I could. “Am I fired?”

“No,” Tomiko said. “You’re not fired. If you’d like to keep working with us, you still have your job.”

“Yes, I do want to keep working with you,” I told her. “I really want to.”

“Good,” she said. “Because I really want you to as well. You’re a valuable member of our team.”

“Thank you.”

“This isn’t as straightforward as you coming back to work, though,” Tomiko continued. “Mr. Ogawa wants to meet with you when you’re back in town, and I have to let you know that he’s talked to the police. They’ll most likely want you to give a statement.”

“Do I have to?” I asked. “Talk to the police, I mean. I’d rather if we could just get back to life as normal.”

“Nobody can force you to talk to the police, but this is a very serious situation, Victor. A client of our facility assaulted one of our staff members without provocation, and that’s not something we could ever take lightly. Mr. Ogawa and I agree that something needs to be done about it.”

“Tomiko, this guy… I’m pretty sure he hates me. And my husband is terrified of him. I’m scared that if we piss him off, something worse is going to happen. He’s Yuri’s ex, and… Let’s just say it’s complicated.”

She was silent for a few seconds, but finally she returned with. “Listen, if it’s that bad and the guy is your husband’s ex, maybe he should petition the district court for an order of protection. If you can’t afford a lawyer—”

“We can afford a lawyer,” I said, even as I pictured Yuri’s reaction to where next month’s trust fund allowance might be going. “Money isn’t the problem. Fear is.”

“I want you to at least think about it,” Tomiko said.

“We will.”

“When will you be back?“

"We’re coming home tomorrow, and we’re hoping to leave for Canada on Monday.”

“Have you booked your flights yet?”

“No. That was supposed to be in the plans for today, along with applying for Yuri’s electronic travel authorization, and organizing a rental car for when we get there.”

"Do you think you can hold off leaving until Tuesday or Wednesday?”

“That’s not going to give us much time to—”

“Let me finish,” Tomiko said. “Mr. Ogawa wants to place you on administrative leave until all of this is settled to his satisfaction. You’ll have plenty of time to visit with your family in Canada.”

“But, you said I still had a job.”

“You do. This isn’t going to be forever, and the good news is, Mr. Ogawa has agreed to pay you seventy-five percent of your regular wages while you’re on leave, so you don’t have to go back to relying on just your husband’s pay cheque.” I could almost hear her smile as she added, “Think of it as extra training time for your snowboarding competitions.”

Right!

I did a quick mental calculation, trying to figure out when we’d have to be back in the country. I definitely didn’t want to miss the first competition of the season. I’d lost valuable training time over the past couple of weeks, and although I knew I’d be able to train on the North Range while I was home in Maple Grove, I needed to have more time on Arashiyama before the start of the competitive season too.

“Okay,” I said. “So, you and Mr. Ogawa want to meet with me on Monday?”

“Yes,” she said. “Can you come at eight o'clock?”

“Yeah, I can be there,” I said.

“Try not to worry,” Tomiko encouraged me. “Positive thoughts, okay?”

“Okay,” I agreed, but deep inside, I knew that was going to be a struggle. “Thanks, Tomiko. I’ll see you on Monday.”

“See you on Monday,” she acknowledged, and we exchanged goodbyes and hung up.

I stood there for a while after Tomiko and I finished our call. To tell the truth, I wasn’t sure how I felt at that moment. I was grateful that I had a job to go back to and thankful that I was going to get a portion of my pay while I wasn’t at work, but I didn’t like the idea of being on administrative leave, and I was uneasy about the police being involved in the situation.

It’s not that I don’t trust law enforcement. I think, for the most part, the police succeed in doing what they’re there to do. The problem was, unless Ren actually got arrested and locked up so he couldn’t get to us, I had no idea what he might do, and I was scared. It was probably a good thing that we were leaving the country for a while, I concluded. I didn’t know how to protect Yuri here, but with ten thousand kilometers of distance between Ren and us, I knew he’d be safe, and I might be able to come up with something once we were out of reach of the problem.

When I went back to the bedroom, Yuri was sitting on the bed, looking somber. I wondered if his conversation with his mother hadn’t ended as well as it seemed to have started.

“Hey,” I said. “Everything okay?”

'Judging by the look on your face, maybe I should be asking you that,“ he said.

"It’s good news and bad news.”

“Tell me the good news first.” He held out his arms to me. “Come here and let me hold you, and we’ll handle the bad news as best we can.”

“How’s your mom?” I asked, as I climbed onto the bed with him.

“Mama’s doing fine. She’s here in the city, and she sounds happy. She wants us to meet her for tea this afternoon. There’s a café at the edge of the park where we had our pictures, and she thought that might be a nice spot.”

“It sounds nice,” I said. “Did she tell you what she wants to talk to us about?”

“She wants to ask us for a favour." He frowned slightly. “For some reason, she didn’t seem to want to tell me on a video chat.”

“Well, I guess we’ll find out this afternoon,” I said.

I laid down beside him and he pulled me in close. I lowered my head onto his shoulder and let him weave his fingers into my hair.

He scratched my scalp gently, and I was struck by a sudden and kind of hilarious comprehension as to why dogs love head scratches so much. It felt so good. I closed my eyes, and almost without meaning to, I made the same sort of low growling sigh that my dog Rosie used to make any time I scratched her behind the ears.

Yuri laughed. “Do you like that?”

“Hmm…” I murmured. “Your puppy is going to love you. You already know exactly what to do.”

“My… what?” he said.

“Your puppy. You still want one, don’t you?”

“You mean, you’re going to let me have one? My very own dog?”

“It’ll be your wedding present,” I told him. “I’ve been thinking about it, and I’m pretty sure you’re ready for a pet now, and of course I’ll always be around to help you with them.”

“You’re serious, right?”

“I wouldn’t say it if I wasn’t,” I said. “After we get home from our trip, we can start looking. How about that?”

“Yes, please! I can’t even tell you how long I’ve wanted a dog. Ever since I was about Yuki’s age, probably, but my parents would never let me have one, and then when I moved out, the timing and circumstances never seemed quite right.”

“I think now’s a good time,” I said. “We’re in a better place financially than we were before, and your health has been good lately, so it seems like the right moment to me.”

“It sounds like we’re talking about having a child.”

“We kind of are. A dog is a big responsibility. Not quite as much as a kid, but there’s still a lot to consider.”

“I’m ready for it,” he said. “I’m going to be the best dog parent. You’ll see. All the other dogs at the dog park will wish they had a dad like hers.”

“You don’t want to spoil her too much, though,” I said. “She’ll need structure, just like a child would.”

“I know, but she can have structure and an extravagant lifestyle. I mean, that’s how I was brought up, and I turned out okay, didn’t I?”

“You turned out amazing,” I said, and he beamed.

I was delighted by his eagerness. Watching him take care of a puppy was going to be an experience well worth the chaos I was sure would ensue. It would be a lot of work, but the reward would outweigh the effort.

We’d talked about adopting a dog before, but I’d always been hesitant, worrying that neither our housing situation nor my immigration status nor Yuri’s health were stable enough for us to juggle any added responsibilities. Now that we’re in our new home, and I’ve got my permanent residency, and Yuri has been feeling well consistently for several months, it seemed like the perfect opportunity to grow our little family.

After some more excited chatter about our potential dog, we settled down once more and worked our way back to our present and serious concerns. I put my head down again, and Yuri resumed stroking my hair.

He said, “So, what did Tomiko want to talk to you about?”

“I still have a job,” I said. “That’s the good news. The bad news is that I’m off work till further notice.”

“Oh.”

“Yeah, but I’m getting paid three-quarters of my normal wages, so at least there’s that. The other bad news is that Mr. Ogawa, our General Manager, called the police after he saw the video. I have to meet with him when we get back, and Tomiko said the police want to talk to me, too.”

Yuri’s hand stopped moving. “What are you going to do?”

“Meet with Tomiko and Mr. Ogawa on Monday,” I said. “I’m not sure if I really want to talk to the cops or not. I really don’t even want to think about it right now.”

“Then don’t,” he said. “It’s our last day in the city, and it’s our first full day as a married couple. Let’s try to enjoy it. There’ll be time to deal with everything else tomorrow.”

I angled my gaze up at him. “Really? That’s not like you to try to ignore stuff. That’s more my line.”

“I’m not ignoring it,” he said. “We definitely have to deal with it. Just not today.”

“Okay.”

“What would you like to do today before we meet my mother?”

“Nothing,” I said. I turned just enough so that I could kiss his shoulder. “Go back to sleep for a while, and maybe go down to the pool for a swim later. Have some fancy kind of tea on the terrace, maybe. What do you want to do?”

“All of that sounds good,” he said. “I just want to be with you.”

So, that’s exactly what we did. We crawled under the covers again and happily drifted off for another hour. After that, we went for a dip in the pool which turned into a continuation of Yuri’s swimming lessons. He can do the backstroke now, I’m proud to say. Before lunch, we wandered around inside the hotel’s hedge maze for a while, and then we enjoyed some mango juice and toasted avocado sandwiches on the terrace. It was perfect and I actually didn’t stress about our ongoing problems too much.

After lunch, we went back to our room to change because Yuri said we had to look presentable for tea with his mother. He made me put on my good shoes, and I had to wear the pants from my new suit because jeans wouldn’t have been appropriate and he said he didn’t even want to be seen in public with me in sweatpants. When I told him he was being bossy, he just laughed.

“You’ll thank me later,” he said. “Trust me.”

He was right.

I would’ve felt totally under-dressed and out of place in jeans at the restaurant we ended up going to. To me, cafés are informal places where you hang out with your friends after class and cram for exams and drink way too much tea. The cafés in my sphere of experience are absolutely the sort of places where you can comfortably show up in sweatpants, but not this place. It was classy, and it was exactly the kind of establishment I would’ve imagined Yuri and his mother frequenting, if anyone had asked me to guess beforehand.

Yuri’s mom met us outside and the three of us went in together. The foyer was dark, which usually means everything on the menu is going to be ridiculously expensive. Fortunately, Mrs. Okamoto paid for our jasmine green tea and slices of cream cake.

She seemed unusually relaxed, and not at all like the Rei Okamoto I’ve come to know and be nervous of. She was chatting amiably with Yuri about her recent spa day, and Yuri told her all about ours.

“Really? You took Victor to a spa?” she turned toward me. 'How did you like it?“

"I’m never getting my eyelashes combed again,” I said. “I liked the manicure, though. I didn’t know they made a kind of nail polish for guys.”

Mrs. Okamoto glanced over her shoulder and smiled at her son. “You’ve got quite the project on your hands with this one, darling.”

“I know,” Yuri said. “But we’re all works in progress one way or another, aren’t we? Victor has his own project, taking care of me and helping me be a better person."

“Indeed,” she said. “We are all works in progress. Every day, there’s something new for us to learn.”

“It’s too bad everyone doesn’t see it that way," he remarked.

“Some people aren’t open to the possibility of change,” Mrs. Okamoto commented. “I'm sure we all know someone like that.”

“We do,” Yuri said.

“I’m glad neither of you are that person,” she said, and then she turned briskly toward the archway that led into the dining room. “Shall we find a table now?”

She led us into the dining room, and chose a table near the window. Unlike the entryway, the dining area was bright and inviting. It even had a fireplace, although there was no fire in it. The day was far too warm for that.

The three of us made small talk for a few minutes, which was far less awkward than I would’ve anticipated. Everything was going along smoothly until Mrs. Okamoto’s eagle eye caught sight of Yuri’s wedding ring.

“Yuri, let me see your hand, darling. Is that ring new?”

“Yes.” He held out his hand for her inspection. “Show her yours too, Victor.”

Slowly, I raised my hand, letting her see the matching heart-shaped ruby on my left ring finger. “Uh… I can explain…” I stammered.

But Yuri, bursting with excitement, exclaimed, “We got married!”

"Well, not married, exactly," I clarified. "We got a partnership certificate, and..."

"We got married," Yuri repeated.

I held my breath, not really wanting to witness Mrs. Okamoto’s reaction. For a second, all she did was stare at us. Then, the most unexpected thing happened.

She smiled.

It wasn’t the tight little closed-mouth smile I’d gotten used to seeing on her. This was a genuine smile of happiness, and it utterly transformed her face. I could see instantly from which parent Yuri had inherited his dimple and his characteristic squint when he laughs.

“That’s wonderful news,” she said.

It was my turn to stare. “You… you’re happy about it?”

“Why wouldn’t I be happy about it?” she asked.

“I didn’t think you and your husband approved of me.”

“My husband barely approves of anyone,” she said. “You’ll find, however, that I am not my husband, and that I have opinions of my own. Expressing them around Kenji is simply inconvenient.”

“Do you think he’ll be mad?” I asked.

“Oh, almost certainly, but no one has any control over that. Kenji can think what he likes.” she waved a hand dismissively. “He’s not going to be pleased about this, but it isn’t his life or his future, is it?”

“No,” I agreed. “It isn’t.”

“I’ll admit, I wasn’t fond of you at first,” Mrs. Okamoto went on. “But, I’ve seen how well you take care of my Yuri. How could I possibly disapprove of someone who cares for my baby as much as I do?”

“Mama, I’m twenty-five. I’m not your baby,” Yuri protested.

“You will always be my baby, Yuri,” she said. “I know you’re all grown up now and you’re a married man, but some things never change.”

“My mom says that about me,” I said. “Well, not the married man part. She doesn’t know about that yet.”

“You’re the first person we’ve told,” Yuri said.

“Oh?” Mrs. Okamoto raised an eyebrow. “Did you get married yesterday?”

“We did, actually.”

“You barely planned this at all, did you?” Mrs. Okamoto laughed, and her laughter sounded so much like Yuri’s that I had to do a double-take. “An elopement! You boys are quite the pair.”

“I hope that’s supposed to be a compliment,” I said.

“It is,” she said. “I ought to congratulate you, hadn’t I? Welcome to our family, Victor. If you can tolerate us, you can tolerate anyone.”

“That sounds kind of ominous.”

“Don’t worry. The person with the real influence in the family likes you well enough. Kenji may make a lot of noise, but he can’t do anything to either of you unless he wants to go through me, first. I’d never allow any harm to come to my son, and since you’re important to him, that makes you important to me as well.”

“Thanks,” I said, because I had no idea how else to respond.

I one hundred percent believed that Mrs. Okamoto would never let anything happen to Yuri if she had the power to prevent it. She’d be like an angry bear protecting her cub, and it’d be terrifying. Even when she’s happy, she’s still a little bit scary, and I have to say I was glad to hear that she likes me and that she’s on my side. She’s definitely not the sort of person I’d want as an enemy.

“Have you got any plans for your honeymoon?” she asked. “Or was this little trip to the city your wedding and honeymoon all in one?”

“We’re going to Canada,” Yuri told her. “We’re going to visit Victor’s family, and he’s going to show me where he grew up.”

“We’re getting married officially once we get there," I added. "And we're gonna stay with my mom."

“Your mother was here in the summer, wasn’t she?” Mrs. Okamoto said. “I’m sorry we didn’t have a chance to meet.”

“We were pretty busy,” I said.

In reality, Yuri and I had done our best to keep our mothers from meeting. My mom has made up her mind that Mrs. Okamoto isn’t the sort of person she would or could like, and at the time I had neither the courage nor the necessary knowledge to disabuse her of her views.

“Perhaps next time she visits, we can get together,” Mrs. Okamoto suggested. “I’d like to introduce myself to her. We are related now, in a way.”

“She’s coming back after Christmas,” I said. “Maybe then.”

And between now and then, I’d be praying to every deity I could think of that things didn’t go seven kinds of crazy when the mothers-in-law finally ended up in the same room.

By that point, our tea and cake arrived and there was a lull while we concentrated on that. Yuri must’ve gotten impatient to know what was really going on, though, because he put his fork down and turned his attention to his mother.

“Mama, when you asked if we’d meet you here, you said you needed to tell us something,” he ventured. “Something you couldn’t say on FaceTime or on the phone?”

“I wanted to talk to you and Victor together, since it concerns both of you,” she said. “In part, anyway.”

“What do you mean, it concerns us in part?”

“I’ll get to that,” she said, “But let me explain a bit, first.”

“Yes,” he said, “Please do.”

“I think you know I’ve been here on business all week.”

“I didn’t know that, but I’m guessing Yuri did,” I said. “Have you been staying at the hotel?”

“No. I’ve been staying with… a friend.”

The way she paused slightly, made me wonder if the person she was staying with might be something more than just a friend. Yuri must’ve been thinking the same thing, because he had an odd expression that wasn’t exactly a scowl, but that seemed too serious to call neutral.

He said, “Is it somebody I know?”

Mrs. Okamoto hesitated for half a second, but then she said, “It’s Jushiro.”

“Jushiro Nakamura? The company’s communications director?”

“That’s him.”

“I… I’m not even going to ask,” Yuri said. “Plausible deniability, in case anyone gets the idea that I know anything.”

“Yes, I think that’s best,” Mrs. Okamoto concurred.

“I like him,” Yuri said. “You know my firm has worked with him before. Mr. Tanaka has, anyway. Apparently, your company’s account is too important to hand off to someone as far down in the pecking order as me. Either that, or Mr. Tanaka knows that Jushiro and I know each other and he’s trying to avoid the appearance of any conflict of interest.”

“I’d say it’s the latter. One has to be careful of those things.”

Yuri nodded. “So, you’re here and you’ve been staying at Jushiro’s apartment, and Papa thinks you’ve been staying at the hotel. That explains how you’re writing off our room as a business expense.”

“Yes,” she said. “Don’t tell him.”

“Don’t worry,” Yuri said. “I’d never tell him that. Whatever you and Jushiro are doing, it’s no one else’s business, and I’m not about to tell Papa you lied to him in any case. I know him too well to ever put you in that position.”

“I appreciate that.”

“One question, though. If you’ve been here all week, where’s Yuki?” he asked. “You didn’t leave her at home with Papa and Hana, did you?”

“Hana hasn’t been at home, as far as I know. She’s been staying with a friend, too,” she said. “Yuki is with your father, but don’t worry. Your grandmother and Misaki have been keeping an eye on them.” She rested her hands in front of her and laced her fingers together. “Yuki is the subject I wanted to talk to you about, as a matter of fact. I need to ask the two of you a favour.”

“Do you want her to stay with us again?” I asked. “Yuri can have the final say, but I’d personally love to have her back.”

“It’s… a bit more complicated than having her stay with you for a week or two.” Mrs. Okamoto glanced away from us. “Yuri, I’m not sure if you’re aware, but our director of the North American office resigned quite abruptly about two weeks ago. Your father and the other directors have decided that they’d like to promote the assistant director into his position, but she’s lacking in experience.”

“I didn’t know any of that,” Yuri said. “Papa never talks to me about business, when he bothers to talk to me at all. The only person I would’ve heard that from would be you. But, I don’t see what someone resigning has to do with you or with Yuki.”

She took a deep breath and let it out slowly and audibly. “I’m going to America."

Yuri’s face went absolutely white. “You… you’re leaving? For how long?”

“For six months,” she said. “Essentially, I’m going to mentor the new North American director and help her until she’s able to manage the position on her own.”

“But… how am I supposed to get along without you for six whole months? I don’t want you to leave me for that long.”

"Yuri, darling, you’re a grown man and you’ve been living on your own since you were twenty-one. You’ve been surviving without me all this time.”

“No, I haven’t,” he said. “Whenever I need you, you’re there.”

“You have Victor to look after you,” she said. “He’s with you all the time. I can’t do that, even when I’m here.”

“But—”

I reached over and took his hand. “It’ll be okay,” I said. “You can call and video chat, just like me and my mom do. I know it’s hard, but we’ll get through it.”

He bit his lip. “I don’t like this.”

“If you really want to know,” Mrs. Okamoto said. “I don’t like it either. I don’t like the idea of leaving Yuki or you, or… or other important people in my life. But, sometimes we’ve got to do things we’re not happy about.”

“Why aren’t you taking Yuki?” I asked. “She could probably learn English really well if she went to school in America for six months.”

Mrs. Okamoto sighed. “I’m not taking Yuki because I’m taking Hana. Kenji thinks it’ll be an excellent learning opportunity for her, so while I’m coaching Samantha, I’ll be teaching Hana as well. I can’t bring Yuki because… Well, you know how volatile their relationship is, and I don’t think that would be good for Yuki, particularly without Kenji to keep Hana in line.”

“I’m guessing you want Yuki to stay with us for six months?”

“No,” she said. “That would be far too much to ask. She’ll stay with her father, but I’d like the two of you to take her home with you as often as you can. She needs care and attention, and I… I’m concerned there’ll be a lack of that, if I’m not there.”

“She’ll get lots of love and attention at our house,” I said.

“I’m confident of that,” she said. “I expect she’ll be with you most weekends and school holidays, as long as that works for your schedules.”

“We can make it work. Right, Yuri?”

“Of course we can,” he said. “She can come over whenever Papa needs a break from her, or whenever she needs a break from him. I’m home nearly every day, so she can come after school and one of us will take her back when Papa gets home from work. That’ll save Misaki from doing double-duty as after school babysitter.”

“Yes, Misaki and your father are busy enough,” Mrs. Okamoto said, and the slight twist at the corner of her mouth told an entire story without requiring any further words.

It seems like she and Jushiro the communications director aren’t the only ones who are 'friends’. Mr. Okamoto, it appears, might be more than just a boss to Misaki the housekeeper. The drama was like something straight out of a trashy novel, and although that sort of thing is fun to read about in books, it’s actually upsetting to hear about it happening in real life.

“When are you leaving?” Yuri asked.

“I’m leaving on the first of November," Mrs. Okamoto said. “Will you be back from Canada by then?”

“I think so,” I said.

“Good. I didn’t want this to be the last time I saw the two of you in person before I go.”

“We’ll let you know when we’re back,” I said. “You can come over to our house. You know where it is.”

“Of course. It is my brother’s house, after all,” she said. “I’d be honoured to come and visit you there before I leave.”

“Speaking of your brother,” Yuri said. “Are you going to see Uncle Kaz when you’re in America? The company office is in California, so…”

“Hana and I are going to be staying with Kazuya, as a matter of fact,” she said. “I’ll be sure to tell him you said hello.”

“Tell him a thousand times thank you for letting us live in his house. We love it, and we’re happy not to be in Komatsu any more.”

“You belong in Kiyosaka,” she said. “Both of you.”

Coming from Rei Okamoto, I considered that high praise. She really must like me if she thought I was good enough to belong in a posh part of town like Kiyosaka.

“Try to convince Uncle Kaz to come back with you when you come home,” Yuri suggested. “We’d love to see him.”

“If he’s not neck-deep in his latest adventure film, I’ll see what I can do,” she promised. “I’m sure he’d love to see you too. You’re his favourite nephew.”

“I’m his only nephew.”

Mrs. Okamoto laughed. “He loves that joke.”

“Me too,” Yuri said.

After that, our discussion moved on naturally to other topics, but the tone of our gathering had changed with Mrs. Okamoto’s news. I got the sense there was a lot more both she and Yuri wanted to say to each other that wasn’t appropriate for a public setting like a restaurant, and that they probably didn’t want to say in front of me. I hoped they’d have a chance to talk later because I could tell Yuri was really stressed out by the surprise announcement of his mother’s departure. He was obviously doing his best to keep his composure, but I knew he was scared and unhappy.

The sun was just beginning to set by the time we ran out of things to say and mutually agreed it was time to make our exit. We lingered outside for several minutes longer, and Yuri let his mother hug him.

“Be safe in Canada, darling,” she said. “Try to stay warm, and don’t forget to take your medication. And you,” she looked over Yuri’s shoulder at me. “Don’t you dare let him get lost or hurt. It’ll be his first time in a foreign country, as I’m sure you know.”

“I know,” I said. “I won’t let anything happen to him, I promise.”

“Good,” she said. “I’ll hold you to that.”

“Mama, stop trying to frighten him,” Yuri scolded her. “We’ll both be fine, and you know you like him too much to do anything really awful to him.”

“That’s… not super comforting, you know,” I said.

“Sorry,” Yuri said, but he didn’t seem the least bit contrite.

We said farewell to Yuri’s mom, and got in the car for the short drive to the hotel. We were quiet during the ride. I was lost in my own thoughts, and I suspected Yuri was equally preoccupied with his own. If we felt we had a lot to cope with before, today had proved that our lives could become a whole lot more complex in a hurry.

I knew we were each going to need time to process everything that’d transpired today, and we would need to share our feelings with each other about all of it. I was mentally preparing myself for what I already accepted would not be an easy discussion. We had decisions to make and new responsibilities to take on, and I had a feeling that none of it would come without some sort of challenge for us.

I’m not going to lie; the idea of facing the future after today feels more than a little daunting. All I know is, I’m infinitely grateful I’m not doing any of it alone.

[stargazer-sims]

Journal Entry #21

previous // next // story index

__________

Yuri

Hello everyone. Yuri here.

Yet again, I find myself recording a journal entry from my bed. Today’s been a lot, and I'm utterly worn out. I spent a good portion of the day at the hospital, but I’m thankfully resting at home now and I’m feeling a little better than I was earlier.

I’ll tell you all about today’s ordeal in a minute, but first things first. Look at my beautiful birthday present from Victor. Isn't it lovely?

The first time I saw this bracelet was last year, a week or so before Christmas. Victor and I had been doing some errands in town and on our way back home we’d stopped to look in the window of a jewellery shop simply because all the glittering objects on display had caught my eye. Victor teased me about my not-so-secret love of sparkly things, but he seemed content enough to stand with his arms around me, listening as I spun out my fantasy of owning something with diamonds on it some day.

Then, in the back corner of the window display, he’d spotted this bracelet and pointed it out to me.

“Look,” he’d said. “A snowflake. I think that one would suit you.”

The tiny turquoise-coloured stones adorning each of the snowflake's six points might've been real blue tourmaline, but the small card that displayed the bracelet's price told me straight away that the clear stone in the centre of the snowflake wasn’t a real diamond. That didn’t matter to me, however. There was something about it that appealed to me. It was so delicate and pretty, and it made me think of clear afternoons on the mountain, all blue and silver and shining.

Blue and silver.

It wasn’t just the mountain that showed off those colours so magnificently. I’d looked up at Victor who was smiling with his whole face, blue eyes bright and alert. The evening breeze was tousling his prematurely silver hair, making it stick out in random directions. He’d lost his hat somewhere, and I don’t think he even noticed.

“You could give it to me for my birthday,” I said.

He offered me an amused look. “Your birthday’s like, more than nine months away. How am I supposed to remember?”

“You’ll remember. Just think about what brought us together.”

“Snowboarding?”

“You can’t have snowboarding without snow, can you?" I said. "Millions of snowflakes.”

“Oh! Yeah!" he’d said cheerfully. “Thanks. I can totally remember it like that.”

And he had remembered. Lying in bed on the morning of my birthday as Victor carefully fastened my new bracelet around my wrist, I couldn’t stop smiling. I was pleased about the bracelet, but what made me even more happy was the fact that Victor had made the effort not to forget.

Evidently, not everyone is as impressed by my bracelet as I am. When Seiji and Takahiro were here for my birthday dinner party a few days ago, they both made fun of Victor for buying me jewellery, and they said the pendant looks more like a flower than a snowflake. Seiji’s girlfriend Chiharu thinks it's pretty, but she apologetically told me that she also thinks it’s a women’s bracelet. I don’t care. It’s exactly what I wanted and I got it from someone who loves me, so I think it’s perfect.

I know it’s not practical to wear every day, but honestly, I never want to take it off.

On the afternoon of my birthday, Victor and I went to Hanamigawa, which is down in the valley. The leaves are fantastically vibrant this time of year, and I love looking at them. We ate sandwiches and fruit while sitting under the colourful canopy of a maple tree, and then we just wandered around the park for a while, admiring everything.

In the evening, we made our way to our old neighbourhood, Komatsu, and went to a karaoke lounge. I'm sorry to say we haven’t improved much since the last time we did it. We’re both still terrible at karaoke, but it was a lot of fun.

True to his word, Victor bought me a drink while we were at the karaoke lounge. He doesn’t drink alcohol, so he had some sort of carbonated juice, but I had a cocktail called Japanese Breakfast that contained whiskey and yuzu juice, among other things. I don’t know why it’s called that because no one I know would have whiskey at breakfast, but incongruous name notwithstanding, it tasted really good. It did upset my stomach a little, but I didn’t tell Victor because I didn’t want to worry him. It wasn’t that bad and I felt fine the next day, so I’m calling it a win.

I cannot, however, put today in the win column.

No, that’s not entirely true. I think I can put today in the win column, but what I had to go through to get there makes it feel less like a win than it should.

If you haven’t already guessed, the hospital isn’t my favourite place, and doctors, nurses and technicians are not my favourite people. Being chronically ill is emotionally exhausting, and sometimes I get frustrated and upset and angry about it. Today was a day when I felt more upset than frustrated or angry. I didn’t want to go for another round of tests, and I didn’t want to see my doctor, as much as I like her as a person.

Thank goodness for Victor. I was so grateful to have him with me today. He kept me from falling apart completely.

By the time we got to the hospital, I was already feeling weak and unwell because I'd only been allowed to drink clear fluids like water, cranberry juice and soup broth the previous day. To be fair, it doesn't take much food to sustain me, but I suppose my body has gotten used to bigger quantities of food than is typical for me during the summer. The absence of something solid in my stomach was making me queasy. On top of that, I had to drink a horrible-tasting, chalky-textured solution the doctor told us to get from the pharmacy. A patient's body has to be as empty as possible for the gastrointestinal imaging test, and the solution is meant to help with that. I can assure you, last night was not a fun time.

And then there was the sedation. Apparently, some people choose not to be sedated, but as much as I dislike sedation, I can't imagine being wide awake for the entire procedure. Victor and I were waiting in a small room when a nurse came around with a whole collection of needles. Okay… it was only two needles, but I was so distressed that it might as well have been twenty. I hate needles, particularly the ones with sedatives in them.

I was curled up and fully prepared to engage in some dramatic self-pity, but it was clear that Victor was determined not to let me go there.

“You’d better not be sulking,” he said “This is a no sulking zone, you know.”

“I don’t care,” I said. “This merits sulking.”

“It’s not super fun, but it’s also not totally bad,” he said. “There’s got to be one good thing about it.”

“Really? Name one.”

“I’ve got two. It’s nice and warm in here, and you don’t have to wait alone.”

“About that,” I said. “They don’t usually let you come this far with me. What did you say to that nurse to let you in here?”

Victor had the grace to look embarrassed. “I might’ve lied a little bit,“ he said. "I, uh… told her that I’m your husband.”

“And she believed you?”

“No idea, but she didn’t question it,” he said. “If anyone asks, we’ve got our matching rings to show them, right? It’s not like they’re going to want actual proof or anything.”

“You’re impossible,” I said.

He grinned at me. “I know.”

Trying to distract myself, I asked. “If I really was your husband, whose family name would I have? Would you take mine, or would I take yours?”

“I’d definitely take yours. 'Yuri Nelson’ sounds like a character in a lo budget action film. You know, one with really bad writing and lots of B-list actors. He'd be the anti-hero with some weird backstory, and he'd be a chain smoker with an aversion to shaving."

I could picture that character, actually. Yuri Nelson was a name that probably would suit him. Maybe his backstory would be that he's half Russian and half Amrican; a Russian Yuri instead of a Japanese one. Perhaps his mother was a Russian spy, and he'd be on some sort of mission related to that. It sounded exactly like the sort of film Victor would watch.

"Okay." I smiled, "You're right, but do you think 'Victor Okamoto’ sounds better?”

He laughed. “Okay, no. Maybe slightly better, but it kind of has anime vibes."

"Yes, I can see that. A sports anime, perhaps."

"I guess we’ll just have to be a modern married couple," he said. "We'll have to keep our own names.”

“But then, how would everyone know we were married?”

“I’m sure they’d figure it out,” he said. “Some people already think we’re married anyway. My boss does, and she’s only seen us together a handful of times. Incidentally, she thinks you’re cute.”

“She does? Is that appropriate?” I queried.

“Pretty sure it’s fine. I took it as a compliment when she came up to me after you dropped me off one morning and said, 'your husband is really cute’. And I mean, she’s not wrong.”

I was blushing. “You didn’t correct her?”

“You want to hear some useless trivia you didn’t ask for?” he said. “If we were in Canada, technically you would be my husband. When you live together with your partner for at least a year, the law considers you spouses. So, if we were in my country, I could call you my husband and it wouldn’t even be wrong.”

“Maybe instead of going to Brazil, we should just go to Canada,” I mused.

“No reason we can’t do both," he replied. "I’m sure if we went home, Mom would let us stay at her place.”

“Let’s think about it, okay?” I said. “I’d like to see where you’re from.”

“Okay,” he agreed.

By that point, the sedative was taking hold. I was starting to feel drowsy, so I laid down, and Victor tucked the thin hospital blanket around me. After that, everything was blur for a while.

In all honesty, I’m glad I don’t remember most of it because I’m reasonably certain it isn’t something I’d enjoy thinking about later. I do recall a couple of people moving me off the bed and onto a gurney, and Victor trying to hold onto my hand as he followed us out the door. I also remember being cold, but I’m frequently cold, so maybe that’s not particularly remarkable.

I must’ve had a moment of lucidity out in the corridor as well, because I recall we stopped moving for a minute. My doctor was there. Her name is Espérance Kasongo, and coincidentally she’s a Canadian like Victor. She speaks in a rich contralto and has a pleasantly unusual accent, so her voice is difficult to mistake for anyone else’s.

"I’m sorry, Mr. Nelson. This is as far as you can go with him,” I heard her telling Victor. “Don’t worry. We’ll have him back to you in about an hour, safe and sound. You can sit in the waiting area for now, and someone will come fetch you when we’re all done.”

Victor said something to her that I didn’t understand, and then, “Can I kiss him?”

Dr. Kasongo laughed. “Go on. Quickly.”

Victor brushed back my hair and kissed me softly on the forehead. “I love you, Yuri. See you in an hour or so.”

“Love you,” I murmured. I was so out of it, I don’t even know if I said it in Japanese or English. I felt like I was floating. In my opinion, the only thing that’s good about being sedated is that I’m never aware enough to be anxious or scared about what’s coming next.

What I presume was an hour or so later, I was unhappily awake and aware of everything. They’d returned me to the same little room I’d been in before, or one that looked just like it. It was warm, much to my satisfaction, but it still smelled like disinfectant and was far too bright.

For what originally seemed to me like an inexplicable reason, Victor was kneeling on the floor beside the bed. It took me several seconds to figure out that it put him exactly on my eye level, and that I didn’t have to move at all in order to look directly at him.

“Hey,” I said. My mouth was dry and my voice sounded oddly scratchy to me.

If Victor noticed, he didn’t say. He looked relieved to see me awake. "Hey,” he said. “There’s my brave boy. The nurse said you did great. How are you feeling?”

I was tired, my entire lower abdominal area ached dully, and the aftereffects of the sedation were making me feel nauseous. I couldn’t form enough words to explain all of that, so I went with, “Awful.”

“I guess we knew that’s what the answer was going to be, didn’t we?”

“Yeah.” I really tried not to cry, but for some reason I'm always unreasonably emotional when I'm coming out of sedation, and the whole situation was too much. At that moment, i wanted nothing more than the comforting familiarity of my room, my hot water bottle, and Victor holding me close until i was able to fall asleep. “Sorry I’m such a mess.”

“It’s okay,” Victor said. “You’re allowed to be a mess.”

“Can we go home? I just want to go home.”

He touched my face gently. “We will. As soon as they say you can go, I’ll take you home.”

“Please, I want to go home now.” I repeated through tears, knowing even as I said it that I’d have to wait. “I don’t like it here. I want to be in my own bed. Please…”

“Shh… shhh…” Victor made soft hushing sounds and kept stroking my cheek with his thumb. “Listen to me, love. I know you feel miserable and you want to go home. I promise I’ll take you as soon as I’m allowed, but we’ve got to stay here for now, okay?“

"I don’t want to.”

“I know you don’t, but you have to. The nurses have to be satisfied it’s safe for you to get up and leave,” he said. “It’ll only be for a little while, and then we can go home and you can rest in your own bed.”

“Please stay with me.”

“Of course I’m going to stay with you. Do you want me to hold you?”

I sniffled loudly, humiliated by my weakness and tears, and yet feeling completely unable to help myself. “Yes, please.”

He climbed onto the bed with me and gathered me into his arms. He rubbed my back and whispered comforting nonsense against the top of my head until I eventually stopped crying.

“Better?” he asked, once I’d finally gotten my breathing under control.

“Not really, but thank you.”

“What else can I do?“ he asked.

"Nothing,” I said. “Just let’s stay this way a bit longer.”

“Is your belly hurting really bad?”

“No, not really badly. It’s a little tender, that’s all. But, I feel sick, and… I don’t know. I hate everything about this.”

“I wish you didn’t have to go through any of it,” he said. “If I could magically fix everything for you, you know I would.”

“I know,” I said. I leaned into him and rested my head on his shoulder. “I love you for that.”

“I love you. Full stop,” he said. “For better or worse.”

“In sickness and in health?”

He laughed. “Is this a hospital or a wedding chapel?”

The sound I made was somewhere between a chuckle and a groan. “Ohh… Victor, don’t. If you make me laugh, I might throw up.”

“We don’t want you doing that,” he said. “It’d ruin our surprise wedding.”

“I… I mean it. Don’t…”

“Hey,” he said, suddenly serious again. “Deep breaths. Deep as you can, okay? In through your nose, and out through your mouth. Remember how I taught you?”

“Y-yes.”

“Good. I’ll do it with you. Ready?”

I nodded.

He helped me lie down again, and he snuggled next to me. The two of us barely fit on the narrow bed together, but we made it work. Victor quietly coached me through a breathing exercise which, even if it didn’t fix everything, certainly helped me feel more comfortable and settled.

Victor has been helping me use breathing exercises and other pain management methods ever since we started living together, and it's had a consistently positive impact on me. He told me that he learned all those techniques as part of a non-medical pain management course he’d taken in college for his diploma in Health and Wellness. When we met, he was already more than halfway through the two-year program of study.

Apparently, Victor really has been keeping up all his acquired skills by practising on me, in between his job as a fitness trainer back in Canada and his job as a personal wellness coach at the fitness centre here. He joked a while ago about me being his favourite health and wellness project, but when I stop to think about that, it’s likely more factual than funny. The irony of our situation was not lost on me this morning, as once again I found myself marvelling at how the universe must’ve been perfectly aligned to bring us together.

I don’t remember falling asleep, but I must’ve dozed off for a while, because when I opened my eyes again I was alone in the bed, and Victor was in the chair next to it.

"We keep meeting like this,” he said, when he noticed that I was awake and trying to sit up.

I smiled, glad to have succeeded in pushing myself more or less upright without help. I took a moment to assess, and realized I felt somewhat less terrible than before. “Obviously it’s our destiny.”

“Obviously.” He grinned. “Looks like you’re coming around. The nurse was here a little while ago and she told me you could get up and put your clothes on when you woke up. She said Dr. Kasongo is going to come in and talk to us for a minute, and then I can take you home. Sound good?”

“Sounds wonderful,” I said.

“Need help getting dressed?”

“No, thanks. I think I can manage.”

I couldn't wait to be rid of the hospital gown, and didn't waste any time pulling on my underpants, t-shirt, hoodie and jeans. In the end, the only thing I couldn’t do by myself was to put on my socks and trainers. Victor did that for me, and then he retrieved my glasses case and my bracelet from the pocket of my coat. I put on my glasses, and he helped me with my bracelet.

By the time Dr. Kasongo arrived, I was fully dressed except for my coat, and Victor and I were once again trying to occupy a piece of furniture that was only designed for one person.

“You look like you’re ready to leave us, Yuri,” Dr. Kasongo commented as she crossed the room. “Ready to make your escape from our hall of torments.”

“I hope you don’t take it personally,” I said.

She smiled. “I assure you, I don’t. We do some terrible things to you. I would wish to run away from me, too.”

“It’s not you. Just the procedure.”

“Don’t worry. I understand,” she said. “Now, I know you’ve got a consultation scheduled with me next week to review all your test results, but I wanted to see you quickly before you left today.”

Beside me, Victor tensed a little. “It’s not bad news, is it?”

“Not at all,” the doctor said. “It’s quite good, as a matter of fact.”

“What is it?” I asked.

“I’ll get straight to it,” she said. “As you likely know, we haven’t got all the results of your bloodwork, biological samples and antibody tests back yet, but on a preliminary basis, I can say your imaging looked very good today. I understand you told the intake nurse that you’ve had very few symptoms for over a month now?”

“About three months, actually” I said. “Victor?”

“Yeah,” he said. “Since just before we moved, so maybe like, a little over four months.”

“Excellent,” said Dr. Kasongo. “That’s very good. I’m confident you’re in a period of clinical remission at the moment. We’ll confirm it with your test results, but I’m happy to make that diagnosis now.”

“What does that mean, exactly?” Victor asked. “Is this a long-term thing now, or…?”

“Unfortunately, we can’t predict how long a remission will last,” Dr. Kasongo said. “Some patients can remain symptom-free for very long periods of time. Others relapse after a short time.” She shifted her gaze back to me. “Yuri, the best things you can do are to keep following your food and exercise plan the way you’ve been doing, take your medications, have a stable sleep schedule, and manage your stress. Oh, and continue working with your personal wellness coach. I understand he’s exceptional.”

“The very best,” I said.

“Your husband, if I understood correctly.” She winked at us.

“Uhh…” Victor said. “About that.”

Dr. Kasongo looked amused. “Minako told me. Very clever circumvention of the rules, Mr. Nelson.”

“I’m not sure you realize how dangerous it is to encourage him to circumvent the rules, Dr. Kasongo,” I said.

Even when it’s to your advantage?” Victor asked.

“Some rules are flexible enough to be bent without being broken,” Dr. Kasongo remarked. “And who does it harm if we keep the truth among ourselves about this one thing? Mr. Nelson, I will note you and Yuri as spouses in the chart, so you can support him as much as possible when you’re here from now on.”

“Thanks,” Victor said. “And you can call me Victor. Mr. Nelson is my grandfather.”

“Victor,” she repeated. “Well then, Yuri and Victor, I won’t keep you any longer. Go home and rest, and I’ll see you at your appointment at my office next week.”

I went straight to bed when I got home, which probably isn’t a fact that’s going to shock anyone. After a properly long nap in my warm, comfortable bed, I woke up wanting a snack. Victor had planned for that while I was sleeping and had prepared a strawberry smoothie with vanilla-flavoured protein powder, and a small bowl of rice with sweet bell peppers and a few morsels of diced chicken.

Full disclosure, I whined at him until he agreed to feed me the rice bowl. Hearing that, I know you're now likely thinking I’m ridiculously, shamefully spoiled, but you probably didn’t have the day I had. Judge if you want. I’m sure I’ll be back to using my own chopsticks and spoon in the morning.

Afterwards, Victor sat with me and we talked about the future for a while. Our casual mention earlier in the day of travelling to Canada so Victor could see his family had somehow taken hold as a full-fledged idea, and we tentatively began to plan it.

All our joking about being married seems to have taken root a bit, too, although we’re far less attached to that notion than to visiting Victor’s home town of Maple Grove. We don’t need to be married to have everything we need. We’re already fully committed, spirit, mind and body. If everything we’ve already been through together doesn’t prove that, I don’t know what would.

Even with all my personal struggles, I still consider myself fortunate. Not everyone can say they’ve found their soulmate; that one person who fills all the spots in their heart that were empty before, and who willingly opens their own heart to being filled in return. It’s not just about needing someone, but also being needed. It’s about making every experience a shared one.

Every single day, I'm grateful that I’ve found the one who fills up all the space in my heart, who’s seen me at my worst and still thinks I’m the best.

[stargazer-sims]

Journal Entry #23 (part two)

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__________

Yuri

I did exactly the opposite of what I said I was going to do. Instead of doing my errands, I got my snowboard and gear out of the downstairs closet and headed up the mountain. Normally, I wouldn’t go snowboarding by myself, but I rationalized my decision by telling myself there'd be plenty of people up there. I might not be sharing the experience with a friend, but I wouldn't really be alone. Besides, the mountain is one of my happy places, and I needed the freedom and the wide open space it offered. I was feeling claustrophobic and I couldn’t bear to be inside.

I spent most of the day up there, and by the time I was done, I was incredibly tired, but far more calm than I’d been in the morning. I’d been trying not to think too much about what had happened between Victor and me. It would have to be addressed sooner rather than later, I realized, but I also decided that a cooling-off period was absolutely necessary. Clearly, attempting to talk about it right away hadn’t worked, so maybe things would go better with some time and distance between us and the problem.

It was nearly dark when I descended the mountain. I’d missed my chance to go to the post office, but I still had time to get to the supermarket and the pharmacy. Those routine chores would prolong my time away from home, but I was okay with that.

The house was quiet when I got back. I knew Victor was there because I’d noticed lights on upstairs as I came up the driveway, and there was smoke coming from the chimney. We never leave a fire burning if we’re both going to be out. I supposed Victor must have been in his room.

I went about putting the groceries away, occupying myself with thoughts of a long, hot bath with Epsom salts, and then curling up in bed with my hot water bottle and a good book. If I was going to be passing the evening alone, I told myself I was going to do it according to my definition of comfort.

But, I should have known that plan would end up as nothing more than a daydream. This whole week had been such a disaster that I shouldn’t have reasonably expected anything to go as I wanted it to.

I was just folding up the grocery bags for recycling when I heard Victor moving around upstairs. He literally yelled, “Yuri!” and then I heard him running. He clattered down the stairs, and even before he hit the bottom step, he uttered a loud and demanding, “Yuri! Where were you?”

I wondered vaguely why it’d taken him so long to realize I was back, but that thought was secondary to the fact I was being shouted at. I was instantly tense, and instead of responding like a civilized person, I snapped back at him.

“None of your business,” I said. ”In any case, I thought you didn’t want to see me.”

“You weren’t answering your phone," he stated.

"So?”

“So, I called everybody I could think of and nobody knew where you were," he said. "I was getting worried.”

“Really?”

“Why do you sound like you don’t believe me?”

“You're actually asking that?” I responded. “I don’t know what to think about you at the moment.”

“What do you mean, you don’t know what to think of me?” he asked.

“What I mean is, you’ve been acting like a completely different person lately, and I don’t know whether I should be angry with you, afraid of you, or sorry for you. I certainly don’t know what to make of anything you say.”

"Yeah? Well maybe if you hadn’t ignored me for the last three days, you’d have a better idea of what to think,” he said.

“I wasn’t ignoring you!” I exclaimed. “You were the one who said I shouldn’t come around you. If it were up to me, I wouldn’t have left you for a second.”

“You would’ve smothered me, you mean? And you would’ve been so anxious that I’d have ended up taking care of you more than you would’ve been taking care of me," he said. "That playbook's getting kind of old, you know."

“That’s not fair! Of course I would’ve been anxious, but it wouldn't have stopped me from looking after you,” I told him. “And you know you can’t have it both ways, right? You don’t get to be angry that I allegedly ignored you when you explicitly said you didn’t want me near you.”

“What I wanted was some empathy,” he said. “You could’ve talked to me, at least.”

“I tried, but how was I meant to talk to you when you made it clear that you didn’t want to talk?”

He sighed. “Look, it’s been a bad week. Maybe we can just forget about it. Just tell me you’re okay and nothing happened while you were out, so I can stop worrying about it and go back to bed.”

“No!” I shouted, surprising myself with the intensity of my reaction. “We’re not going to forget about it, and you’re not going to bed until we figure this out!"

He stared at me. "What?"

"I’m not okay and obviously you’re not either, and I’m not the least bit interested in having another ‘bad week’ as you put it," I said. "Either you talk to me now, or I’m going to stay somewhere else until you’re ready to deal with this like an adult.”

“Like an adult?"he echoed. "That’s rich, coming from you. You throw a tantrum like a spoiled toddler and then run off without letting anyone know, and now you’re telling me to behave like an adult? Nice.”

“You think sulking in your room is adult behaviour?” I demanded. “You think expecting people to do two completely opposite things at the same time and then getting mad when they can’t is something a mature mind would come up with?”

“I wasn’t sulking,” he said.

“What were you doing, then?”

“Trying to think.”

“About what?” I asked.

“I can’t tell you.”

“Are you serious?" I said, incredulous. "You complain about me not talking to you, and then you say you can’t tell me anything?”

“You won’t like it,” he said.

“I don’t like what we’re doing right now, either," I replied. "You can tell me what the hell is wrong with you, or you can say goodbye to me for a while. You choose.”

“I can’t,” he said.

“Okay. If that’s the way you want this to go, then I’m leaving.”

“Yuri—“

"I’m not joking,” I told him. “I’m not prepared to live with you like this, and if you aren’t interested in fixing it—”

“Fine.”

He turned away from me abruptly, and I thought the conversation was over, until he did something unexpected. He started to take off his shirt.

“Victor, what…?”

“You want the truth?” He pulled his long-sleeved tee over his head, balled it in one large hand, and then flung it across the room. "There! If you really want to know, then here it is. Have a good look at the truth.”

I stared. The back of his left shoulder was covered by a massive bruise. It was obviously half-healed, but still looked terrible. There were other, smaller bruises on his back and side too.

I wanted to go to him, to touch him, to do something, but I felt like I couldn’t move. My mind had switched from anger and frustration to shock and horror so quickly that I was practically paralyzed by it. All I could do was stand there, hand pressed to my mouth and feeling like I was going to be sick.

My voice came out not much above a whisper. “Victor, what happened?”

“Are you really sure you want to know?”

“Yes,” I said. “I mean… no, I really don’t, but I think you need to tell me.”

“Maybe we should be sitting down,” he said.

“Do you want to go upstairs?” I asked.

“Here’s fine.”

“Right here, in the hallway?”

“What difference does it make?” he said.

“None, I guess.”

He retrieved his shirt and then dropped down to the hardwood and did his best to struggle into the garment again. I probably should’ve asked if he wanted me to help him, but to be honest, I was a bit nervous to offer because I didn’t know how he might react. I lowered myself next to him, not particularly liking the idea of sitting on the floor, but conceding that he was right about it making very little difference where we talked. The important thing was that we weren’t giving each other the silent treatment or screaming at each other any more.

For a few minutes, neither of us said anything, and the absence of conversation felt heavy and awkward.

At last, he ventured, “Are you okay?”

“I thought we were going to talk about you,” I said.

“I know, but I…” He looked away. “I didn’t mean to hurt you this morning. The last thing I ever want to do is that.”

“You didn’t." I showed him my arm. “See? It’s completely fine, I promise. I wasn’t hurt. I just got scared and I panicked.”

“It’s my fault," he said. "I shouldn’t have grabbed you like that. I should’ve known you wouldn’t like it.”

“It’s not your fault, Victor,” I assured him. “You didn’t know it’d make me have a flashback. I didn’t even know that was going to happen, so how could you have known?”

“You had a flashback?”

I nodded. “First one in a really long time.”

“Can you tell me?”

“Not right now,” I said. “Now’s the time for me to listen to you.”

“I don’t even know where to start."

“Start by telling me what happened to your shoulder. Can you do that?”

He opened his mouth as if he were about to answer, but only got as far as an audible intake of breath before he started crying. He curled in on himself as if he were trying to disappear. I could barely understand him as he said, “It’s all my fault.”

“What do you think is your fault?”

“Everything.”

“Victor, that doesn’t make sense. If you mean what happened today, it’s just as much my fault,” I said.

He shook his head. “I don’t mean today.”

“Then, what do you mean?” I asked.

“Would you let me touch you? Please? I just need…“ I could tell he was making a mighty effort to catch his breath, but it wasn’t working. "I… I need… you. I’m sorry.”

“Do you want me to hold you?”

“Yeah,” he said miserably. “Sorry. I… I know you probably don’t want to.”

“It’s okay."

“Are you sure? It’s fine if you don’t want to, but..”

“I don’t think this can be about me right now,” I said. “Come here. It’s all right.”

Despite what he assumed, I really did want to. I wanted it more than anything. I wanted to feel the solid warmth of him in my arms, and to breathe in the faint coconut sunscreen smell that seems to have permeated all of his clothes. I wanted to weave my fingers into his beautiful silver hair and kiss him anywhere I could reach without loosening our embrace.

He needed me and I needed him. The last several days had put an enormous strain on us, and if ever there was a time to mend the damage we’d done to each other, I knew this would be it. It was our 'make or break’ point, and the very last thing I wanted was for us to break.

I told myself that we would fix this somehow. I didn’t know how we’d do it, or even what was broken, but I did know what we have is too precious to lose, and in that moment I think I would’ve done absolutely anything to make it all right.

I held out my arms to him and it took less than a second for him to fill the space between them. I held him close, letting him cry.

He was shaking so much and sounded so exhausted that I wondered if he might be in more than just inconvenient pain from his bruises. I know from personal experience what it sounds like when you’re too tired and in too much pain to cry, but you can’t stop yourself from doing it anyway. It’s an awful keening noise that’s half sob and half moan, and I’d never fully appreciated before how heartbreaking it is to listen to until I heard it coming from somebody who isn't me.

How long had Victor been trying to hold everything in? Probably since Wednesday at least, I guessed. He’s not the sort of person who typically keeps things bottled up, and I couldn’t even imagine how much it must have been hurting him to try to repress this much emotion. It should have been no surprise he’d been acting out of the ordinary, and maybe even less so that he was physically spent.

It seemed to take a long time, but eventually he calmed down. He sagged in my arms, sniffling and still trembling a little. I petted him, not wanting to let go before either of us was ready.

“I’m sorry,” he said weakly, “I don’t know why I’m like this. I wish I could grow up and stop bawling over everything.”

“You know those two things have nothing to do with each other,” I said. “Being emotional doesn’t make you less mature. In any case, you are who you are, and it’s okay.”

“You deserve better," he said.

“I want you.”

There were several heartbeats' worth of silence, and then he whispered, “Do you still love me?”

The question pierced my soul and made me want to weep. I buried my face in his hair. “Of course I love you, my treasure. To the ends of the earth and back, remember? Why would you think I wouldn’t?”

“I really never meant to hurt you,” he said. “I love you so much, and I hated the thought that I’d hurt you. I promised I’d protect you, and I couldn’t even do it.”

“I already told you, you didn’t hurt me,” I said. “I overreacted and I’m sorry.”

“I was really scared.”

“I know,” I said. “Me too.”

“I wanted you to be safe, but I didn’t know what to do.”

“You said that earlier, but I don’t understand. What did you think you had to keep me safe from?”

He pulled in a long, wavering breath. “Ren.”

You know the English phrase 'my heart dropped’? Up to that point, I’d only ever read it in books, but all of a sudden I was experiencing it for real. I felt as if my heart plunged several centimeters, and it was beating so fast that I thought I might stop breathing.

I had to fight for calm. I owed Victor that much. Instead of letting my own selfish needs get ahead of his, for once I was going to be the strong one.

I let him go and we both sat up again, facing each other. He was pale, and his features were tight with stress and fatigue.

“Ren did that to your shoulder, didn’t he?” I said, knowing and dreading that I was right before I ever heard Victor’s reply.

“Yeah,” he said.

“Can you tell me?”

His expression told the tale of the battle being waged in his head. It was as if he really wanted to tell me, but there was something holding him back.

After what felt like forever, but was likely only a few seconds, he began to talk. I think he was trying to be careful in the details he shared with me at first, but soon the entire story was tumbling out in a tangle of Japanese and English that would’ve been utterly incomprehensible to anyone who wasn’t bilingual. Sensing that even he was getting confused, I coaxed him to slow down and encouraged him to stick to English.

A few more tears and some deep breathing later, he managed to fill in the rest of the story for me. He recalled how he’d discovered on Wednesday morning that Ren had switched appointments with one of his regular clients, and how he’d cornered him in one of the small training rooms, and what had taken place next. He told me how he’d been afraid to fight back even when he was on the floor and Ren was kicking him, and he described the way Ren had smiled when he was done. He said Ren had told him to have a nice day, as if nothing at all was amiss. And all of this had started, he explained, because my sister Hana had told Ren that Victor was leaving her harassing voicemails.

To say I was horrified would be a gross understatement. I know all too well what Ren Kitagawa is capable of, but I never would have expected something like this. The idea that he’d deliberately injured someone he likely knew wouldn’t defend himself both disgusted and infuriated me, and to think it was all over some stupid lie my sister told.

Then, it occurred to me that Ren was only the weapon; Hana was the wielder. What I didn’t understand was why. Her motivation for being the catalyst for such a violent and pointless incident was absolutely inexplicable to me.

I’ve never truly hated anyone in my life, but I came close to feeling hatred for Hana just then. Ren is aggressive and I won’t bother trying to hide the fact that I’m terrified of him, but even all my combined negative emotions toward Ren couldn’t rival the white-hot rage I felt toward my sister. It was her fault that Victor was hurt. It was her fault that he was so scared. Although I don’t consider myself a vindictive or violent person, in that instant I had no trouble picturing myself doing something equally as painful and frightening to her.

I wouldn’t really do anything to her, but the fantasy assuaged my fury enough for me to pull my mind back to our conversation.

“We have to tell someone,” I said.

"No," Victor said. “We can’t.”

“Why not?”

“Because.” He scrubbed at his watering eyes with the back of his hand. “Because, Ren said if I told anyone, he’d come here when I was at work. He knows you’re home alone all day, and he knows where we live now. Hana told him.”

“Hana…” I began, but immediately tried to redirect my feelings about my sister. I couldn’t go there again. That amount of anger had no place in this exchange, particularly not with Victor looking like he was on the point of shattering. I tried again. “That’s why you didn’t want me to go out, isn’t it?”

“Yeah.”

“You knew I’d have to eventually.”

“I know,” he said. “But I was hoping I’d think of something before that.”

“And did you?" I asked. "Think of something, I mean.”

“Nothing logical,” he said. “I kind of thought about running away with you, but that’s probably not a very good idea, is it?”

I smiled in spite of the circumstances. “I don’t know. I might like running away with you. Did you have someplace good in mind?”

“Not really. I just thought about going home.”

“To Canada?”

“You wouldn’t need a visa to go there, just your passport and an electronic travel authorization. And we already have a place to stay.”

“I’d like that,” I said. “But, it’s not a permanent solution, is it? And what about your job?”

“I’m not sure I want to work there any more,” he said.

“I don’t think you should rush into that decision. Why don’t I take you to the clinic tomorrow, and you can explain to the doctor how you’re feeling? Maybe he’ll write you off work for a couple of weeks for mental health reasons. Then we can run away for a bit, if you still want to.”

“Really?”

“If that’s what you want.”

“Will you come into the doctor’s office with me?” he asked.

“Of course I will,” I said.

“And hold my hand?”

“I’ll hold any part you like.”

His attempt not to laugh ended in a snort. “I’m guessing that didn’t come out the way you meant it to.”

“Let’s just stick to holding hands,” I said.

"I think that’d be the best,” he agreed. “But, back to the whole running away plan for a second. You’re right about it not really fixing the problem, but is it bad that I want to do it anyway?”

“No, it’s not bad.”

“Good.”

“Would you feel better about telling someone if there were ten thousand kilometers between Ren and us?” I asked. “Because I may have just had an idea. Kind of an expansion of the plan.”

“Is it a good idea?” he wanted to know.

“Probably not," I admitted.

"Can you tell me anyway?”

“All right,” I said. “Depending on how it goes at the doctor’s tomorrow, I think we should go to Kyoto and get a hotel room. Before we go, we can take your doctor’s note to Tomiko and let her know you’re not going to be at work for a couple of weeks, and perhaps we can suggest she should look at the security recordings from last Wednesday. Then, we can relax at our hotel and arrange our flights and everything for our unexpected visit to your mom.”

Victor laughed out loud at that. “That sounds like the kind of crazy plan I’d come up with.”

“Perhaps we’ve been together too long,” I said. “You’re rubbing off on me.”

“No, we could never be together too long,” he said. “Forever isn’t long enough for me to be with you.”

“I feel the same.”

“I can see a problem or two with this plan,” Victor said. “Other than the fact that we have to come back at some point, I mean.”

“What is it?”

“For one thing, one of us has to tell Mom we’re coming.”

It was my turn to laugh. “Let me do it. I owe her for catching me off-guard by announcing her uninvited visit back in the summer.”

“Okay,” he agreed. “That’s our big strategy for Ren, Tomiko, and Mom sorted. Any idea what we’re going to do about our other loose end?”

“You mean Hana?”

“Yeah.”

“I don’t know,” I confessed. “I can’t even think about Hana right now. She said Ren told her what happened between him and me, and I’m sure she knows exactly what he’s like. I don’t understand why she’d tell him where we live. It’s like she actually wants him to do something.”

“Maybe you should talk to your parents.”

“Maybe,” I said.

The prospect of having any sort of conversation with my father didn’t thrill me, but perhaps I could talk to my mother. I didn’t know if she’d be able to do anything, but at least she’d be aware.

“You can do it from ten thousand kilometers away, if that’d be easier.”

“We’re really doing this, aren’t we? Running away together.”

“The way you say that, it makes it sound like an elopement or something rather than an escape plan,” he said.

“It could be an elopement.”

“No,” he said. “You don’t want to marry me in a nowhere town with low-class factory neighbourhoods and an ugly canal.”

“You wanted to marry me in a hospital room, as I remember,” I teased him. “The ugly canal has to be an improvement over that, and at least I’d be wearing pants this time.”

“This plan just keeps getting worse.”

“I know, but what else could we do?”

I knew it was a rhetorical question, because it was evident that neither of us had an adequate answer. Perhaps if I could rely on my parents, we’d have better options, but we were essentially alone and I feared that trying to involve anyone else would be more likely to complicate the situation than to resolve it.

“You’re right,” Victor said. “There’s nothing else we can do, except run away and get married by a bored judge at the Maple Grove courthouse.”

“I love you, Victor,” I said, because nothing else seemed appropriate.

He leaned close and rested his head on my shoulder. “I’m sorry this week was so awful, and I’m sorry I didn’t tell you everything sooner. And I do like your plan to run away, even if it’s a terrible solution and even if we don’t get married.”

“I wish you would’ve told me everything sooner, but now I understand why you didn’t,” I said. “I’m sorry this week was so awful, too. We’ll do better after this. I’ll do better.”

“You were right the first time,” he said. “We both will.”

“I’ll pay more attention to you from now on,” I said. “I’ll try to remember to ask you what you need.”

“And I’ll try to be better at telling you. I know I have to trust that you’re strong enough to handle stuff, but sometimes it’s hard because I just want to keep you safe from everything.”

“Sometimes I want that too,” I admitted. “But it’s not okay for me to expect that from you all the time. I know nobody can ever keep someone safe from everything. There’ll be things that I really will have to be strong enough to handle, whether I like it or not.”

“I’ll always be here,” Victor said. “Even if I can’t keep bad stuff from happening, you don’t have to deal with it by yourself.”

“Neither do you,” I said. “if you need help, I want you to tell me, okay? I want to help you however I can. You don’t have to manage anything alone.”

“We’re probably going to have to remind each other about this a lot,” he said.

“I know, but we can do that, right?”

“I think so.”

We sat in silence for a while, and it felt good to be close to one another. It’d seemed like an eternity since we’d done that, and I was glad that we’d settled our conflict and made it possible. Our problems were far from over, but at least we were allies again, and I was grateful.

Beside me, Victor was making a wildly unsuccessful attempt to conceal a series of yawns.

“Is it time for bed?” I asked.

“Yeah.” He slumped down until his head was resting on my leg. “I’m so tired. I don’t think I have enough energy left to climb the stairs.”

“I’d carry you if I could,” I said.

“It’s nice to think you want to, even if you can’t.”

“There are loads of things I wish I could do for you, but a lot of them are impossible.”

“I like the things you can do,” he said. “I like how you teach me stuff all the time, and how you don’t think I’m stupid, and how you don’t judge me for being a mess.” He let out a soft, sleepy sigh. “I like how gentle your hands are.”

I smiled. “You need to be in bed.”

“Mm-hmm… Just give me a minute.”

“No, Victor. No minute,” I said. “If we don’t go now, you’re going to be spending the night right here. You don’t want that, do you?”

“No.”

“Come on. I’ll help you.”

“Can I sleep in your bed?”

“You can, and in the morning you can sleep in if you want, and I’ll make you breakfast. Then we can see if our plan looks any less crazy and inadvisable after a decent night’s sleep.”

“I like crazy and inadvisable.”

“I know.” I ruffled his hair. “If you didn’t, you wouldn’t have come halfway around the world for me, and my life wouldn’t be nearly as full and interesting.”

“So, you admit crazy and inadvisable has its merits?”

“I think I have to,” I said. “It brought me my treasure from a far-away land, didn’t it?”

[stargazer-sims]

Journal Entry #15 (part one)

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__________

Victor

Growing up is hard.

There are times when I think I’m doing okay at adulting, but mostly it’s not that great. Like, today was really difficult, and regardless of the fact that I had fun in the end, it didn’t make me feel quite the way I expected it to.

Don’t get me wrong. I want to grow up. I want to be a good partner for Yuri and take care of him in all the ways he needs, and to do a good job helping my clients at the fitness centre, and to have people respect me and take me seriously in general. It’s just that the process of getting there often leaves me feeling stupid and hurt and hopeless. I feel like I’m a disaster that’ll never be fixed.

Yuri says it’s like that for everyone, but I’m not sure it is. Sometimes I wonder if he’s telling me that to make me feel better. I mean, he’s way more mature than me despite being a year younger than I am, and people take him seriously and don’t seem to question his adult status. I might have half the adulting skills he has some day, but I don’t know. I’m worried that I’m not psychologically equipped for real life as a grownup.

One of the hard adult things I had to do today was to accept that I have to let go of something I desperately want. This was my mom’s last full day here with us, and it hurt really bad to think about her leaving. She’s coming back later, maybe right after Christmas, but that seems like an eternity away. I realize she has responsibilities back home. Julian can’t run the veterinary clinic without her, and she’s got duties as a board member of the Maple Grove Animal Rescue Society, and somebody’s got to be there to keep Uncle Stephen from driving Aunt Millie around the bend with his big ADHD energy. I know Mom has to go and take care of all that, but I wish she could stay with us forever.

I don’t think Yuri would like it very much if my mom stayed permanently. He loves her, but I get the feeling he’s ready for her to leave. From his point of view, me and Mom together are probably a lot to handle. Plus, I think he’s looking forward to us having our privacy and enjoying our new house without dealing with the etiquette of having a guest. No more having to worry about putting on proper pants every day. He can go back to working in his pyjamas.

In addition to it being Mom’s last full day with us, today was also Yuki Matsuri, the Festival of Snow. Our festival in Matsumori Town is small compared to the original Festival of Snow in Sapporo. That one takes place in early February each year and it attracts hundreds of thousands of people. Ours happens during either the last week of June or the first week of July, and even though it's smaller than the original one, it's still spectacular.

It’s odd to think of the Festival of Snow being a thing in the summer, but since there’s snow on Arashiyama all year and Matsumori is the kind of town that loves any excuse to celebrate, it’s got an elegant logic to it. Yuri, Mom and I went to the festival. It seemed like an appropriate send-off for her, kind of like a big going away party.

I’ve been here long enough now that this was my second Festival of Snow. Yuri, Seiji, Takahiro and I had a blast together last year. This year, Takahiro and Seiji both had dates, so obviously they were with the ladies. I didn’t mind that Yuri and I wouldn’t exactly be on a date with my mother along, because I love festivals no matter who I’m enjoying them with. There’s something about the atmosphere of a community celebration that gets me excited.

Actually, if I’m being honest, I might’ve been a little too energetic this morning. Some people say I’m too intense almost all the time, and maybe that’s what it looks like to someone who’s more sedentary than me, but on a typical day I can handle my own energy. Normally, I know what to do with it and it doesn’t make me feel like my brain might explode if I don’t keep moving as fast as possible.

This morning, I couldn’t focus on anything for more than fifteen seconds at a time because this imaginary voice in my head kept whisper-screaming at me that I needed to run! Forcing myself to stand at the counter and try to concentrate on making breakfast was torture. It was like every nerve ending in my body was tingling, and I couldn’t figure out which emotion I was experiencing the strongest. It was like excitement, impatience, sadness and frustration were having a battle royale, and I was the battlefield.

Finally, when I couldn’t stand it any more, I dropped what I was doing and bolted for the door. My inner voice told me to run, so that’s what I did. I sprinted laps around the yard in an attempt to burn off some of that frenetic energy and outrun the noise in my head. And yes, I was aware that I’d left milk and eggs out on the counter, but the thought registered only peripherally, like how you might notice a blowing leaf or parked car but not consider it particularly important.

When I was younger, my mom though I had ADHD like Uncle Stephen because I had a lot of the same struggles as him; having trouble focusing and paying attention, getting easily distracted, forgetting where I’d put stuff, and not being able to do anything quietly, and of course the high energy. I remember her taking me to a bunch of different doctors and psychological professionals to find out what was wrong with me. They all concluded that I didn’t have ADHD and that most of my behavioural problems were either a manifestation of anxiety and grief over the loss of my dad or it was just my natural personality. I think the general consensus was that I’d eventually grow out of it and calm down, which obviously hasn’t happened yet.

Anyway, I apparently left the door wide open when I exited the house, and my mom was not amused.

I’d already done about four big laps around the yard, and when I rounded the corner by the ima, Mom was standing in the open front doorway. I caught sight of Yuri too, peeking over her shoulder, with his cardigan buttoned all the way up to his neck.

“Victor Thomas Edward Nelson!” Mom yelled. “What are you doing out there? We’re not planning to wait all day for breakfast! And why aren’t you wearing a coat?”

“And a hat and gloves!” Yuri added.

“Get back inside!” Mom shouted. “Now!”

When I still lived at home, I always knew I was in big trouble when Mom started shouting my full name. This time, my reckless brain metaphorically waved it off, unconcerned. It’s not like she could ground me or take away my snowboard or my video games at my own house, right? Not gonna lie, my impulse was to intentionally throw myself to the ground and roll around in the snow, directly in her line of sight, regardless that she would’ve screamed at me even more if I did.

In the interests of not causing too much of a scene, however, I somehow got through to myself and decided the best option was to just go inside.

As soon as I made it past the threshold, Yuri grabbed my hand and hustled me past my mom, who looked ready to give me a full-blown lecture. He took me upstairs to his room. I followed without protesting because I figured that even though I was probably still going to be in trouble, at least Yuri wouldn’t yell at me. I may be loud, but I don’t like yelling in conversations and I don’t like it when people raise their voice to me, and I know Yuri dislikes raised voices even more than I do.

“Sorry,” was the first thing I said after Yuri closed his bedroom door.

“Victor." When he needs to get my attention, Yuri always uses my name before saying whatever he wants me to hear. It's amazing how effective this is. My name uttered in his voice never fails to make me look his way. When my eyes met his, he said, "I don’t want you to apologize."

“What?” I said. “Why?”

“Because I doubt you even know what you’re apologizing for, do you?”

“For being annoying,” I mumbled, letting my gaze fall from his face. “Are you mad?”

“No, I’m not angry. Why would I be angry?”

“Sorry. I just wanted to know.”

He came close to me and reached for my hand again. “Victor, look at me,” he said, placing his other hand on my cheek and carefully turning me so I didn’t have a choice. “Can you tell me what you were doing outside?”

“Trying to calm down,” I admitted.

"Tell me how you’re feeling right now.”

“I don’t know. Like I can’t calm down.”

He smiled slightly at that. “We’re going to use our words for feelings, okay? I know you can’t calm down, but we both need to understand why, so we can fix it.”

I shook my head. “I don’t know what I’m feeling.”

“Yes, you do,” he insisted. “Let me help you. Are you anxious or excited or something else?”

“Excited,” I said. “But sad, and frustrated too, I guess.”

“Probably not the best combination.”

“No, not really,” I agreed.

“Can you tell me about it?”

“I don’t know,” I repeated. “Like, I’m super excited for the festival and I think it’s going to be really fun, but it’s my mom’s last day here, and I just…” I didn’t know what else to say other than, “I don’t want her to leave.”

Yuri nodded. “And you want lots of attention from her today, don’t you? Even if you have to get it in an unhealthy way. Even if it means she’s shouting at you.”

I had to ask myself if that was true, if I was acting like that just so my mom would pay attention to me. The answer that came back was no. I wasn’t doing it on purpose. It’s almost like a compulsion, and I'm sure I'd never behave like that by free choice. When I really thought about it, it occurred to me that a lot of the times when my energy is out of control are also times when I’m extra stressed or upset about something.

Maybe those medical people were right back in the day, I thought. Maybe it is some kind of manifestation of anxiety or grief.

Suddenly, I didn’t feel very good. I bit down on the inside of my mouth, clenching my jaw as hard as I could. The last thing I wanted to do was start crying. That would just make everything worse.

One of the things I like least about myself is how easily I cry. I should be able to control it better, but I can't, and it's embarrassing. Yuri says I'm sensitive, but I don't want to be so sensitive that I tear up at the slightest provocation. Other grown men don't do that, or at least none of the ones I know.

Yuri was watching me. “Victor, are you all right?” he asked.

“Sorry. I’m being so stupid.”

“You’re not being stupid,” he said gently. “And you need to learn to stop apologizing for your feelings. You haven’t done anything wrong.”

“But—“

"It’s okay that you want your mother’s attention, and it’s okay that you’re sad and excited at the same time. We just need to find a better way for you to communicate all that than running in circles around the yard.”

“I don’t know how,” I said.

“Yes, you do. You told me how you feel. You can tell your mother the same way, can’t you?”

“Yeah, but then she’ll be sad too.”

“Maybe she will," he acknowledged. "But, do you know what? You don’t have any control over how other people feel. If she’s sad, it’s because of the situation, not because of you. I’m sure she’s not happy about leaving you, and she probably already wants to give you as much attention as you want.”

“Really?”

“Really,” Yuri said. “And I’d like her to be able to do that without losing her patience and shouting your name for half of Kiyosaka to hear. Would you like that too?”

“Yeah,” I said.

“Okay. Do you think you can go downstairs and tell her?”

I imagined myself trying to explain all this to my mom, and all I could picture was me clinging to her and bawling like an idiot, unable to get out anything coherent. The mental image made my throat hurt.

“I… I don’t think I can,” I practically whispered. “I’ll start crying.”

But, it was too late. I was already crying.

So much for being a grownup.

Yuri walked me the few steps it took to reach his bed, and I kind of fell onto it rather than slowly sitting down like a normal person. I did my best to get my composure back, but the second he put his arms around me, the only thing I really wanted was to give in and stop trying to keep it together. I wished I could shut off my thoughts and simply exist in the shelter of Yuri’s embrace.

For a few minutes, I literally sobbed. It was ugly crying, noisy and chaotic, with that involuntary gasping in between where I felt like I couldn’t breathe. I hated it and felt humiliated by it, but at the same time, I recognized it was taking away some of the tension from my body. Yuri held me and stroked my hair, whispering against the top of my head that he wouldn’t let go till I was ready, that I was safe and that it was okay to let it all out.

It took a while, but I finally drew in a breath where I wasn’t scared I’d choke on my own snot and tears. I was aware that I’d made the front of Yuri’s sweater all wet and gross, and I felt bad about it, but I didn’t know if I should say sorry or not. For his part, if he minded the current state of his cardigan, he didn’t say.

“Do you feel better now?” he asked, once I let myself relax against him.

“Maybe a little?” I said uncertainly.

“Do you feel a little more calm?”

I moved my head against his shoulder in a sort of nod. “Yeah, but don’t let go yet, please.” I sniffled. “I’m not ready.”

“I won’t,” he assured me as he continued to pet my hair. “You tell me when you’re ready.”

I closed my eyes and tried to time my breathing to the rhythmic motion of his hand. “I’m supposed to be an adult, but I’m not doing very good at it. Why can’t I get this right?”

“You’re doing fine, my treasure. I promise,” he said. “Nobody has it down perfectly, you know.”

“But, I’m such a mess,” I said. “Why am I like this?”

“Everyone’s a mess. Some people just hide it better than others, that’s all. You don’t hide it, and that’s one of the things I love about you.”

“You love that I’m a mess? Wouldn’t you rather have a person who doesn’t cry over everything?”

“My favourite disaster, remember?” he said, and I could almost hear the smile in his voice. “To answer your question, no. I wouldn’t want someone else because then I wouldn’t have the person who laughs as freely as he cries. I wouldn’t have the person who makes me flower-shaped pancakes because he thinks they’re more fun to eat, and who isn’t afraid to say ‘I love you’ out loud in front of everyone on a crowded train platform.”

“You don’t think I’m annoying?”

“Sometimes I do, and sometimes I get frustrated with you, but that’s normal too. I love how unrestrained you are, and I’d never wish for you to be different.”

“Not even a little?”

“Not even a little, because then you wouldn’t be you.” he said. “Believe it or not, it takes a lot more strength to own your emotions than it does to keep them hidden.”

“What do you mean?” I asked.

He was quiet for a while, but then responded, “I don’t like showing my emotions very much.”

“I know,” I said.

“Do you know why I don’t?”

“’Cause of your personality?”

“Partly, perhaps, but I don’t like it because it’s difficult for me.”

“Why?”

“It’s mostly got to do with when I was growing up, how everyone around me would react when I did show anything. No one yelled at me like your mother shouts at you, because I suppose they were all holding their emotions in as well, but I could always feel the disappointment and disapproval just the same. So, I learned to keep everything inside.” He tightened his arms around me and finished quietly. “Until you.”

“Why?”

“Because you’re not ashamed of having feelings, or showing them,” he said. “You've taught me that it’s all right to feel whatever it is. I learned from you that there’s no reason to hide or be ashamed.”

“I don’t know about that,” I said. “I’m kind of ashamed of crying right now.”

“Are you really? Or are you just mad at yourself because you somehow got the idea adults aren’t supposed to cry when they’re sad or scared, and you cried anyway even though you were trying so hard not to?”

“You could tell?”

“Yes,” he said. “I can nearly always tell.”

“But you always ask me.”

“I always ask you because you deserve to be heard. Just because I think I know, it’s not all right for me to assume, is it?”

“I guess not,” I said. “And I guess it really is that I’m kinda mad at myself. I wanted to prove I could keep it together for once, but obviously I’m no good at it.”

“You don’t have to prove anything, and you don’t have to act like nothing’s bothering you when it really is. I’m reasonably certain being an adult is just as much about acknowledging you can’t always succeed as it is about attempting to prove you can.”

“Yuri, how do you know all this stuff? It’s like you always know what I need.”

“I’m observant,” he said. “And I know you.”

“Better than I know myself sometimes, maybe.”

“No, love,” he said. “You know yourself better than anyone. You just have to work out how to tell people other than me what you need, and I think that’ll make things much better for you. I’ll help you learn.”

“Okay,” I said.

“Okay.” He relaxed his arms and pulled back. “Do you think you’re ready to go downstairs now? I don’t know about you, but I’m looking forward to that French toast.”

“You’re going to try it? But you know it’s got egg in it, right?”

“Do you think I’ll notice the egg if it’s covered in that delicious maple syrup your mother brought for us?”

Hearing him talk about breakfast, and gazing into his sweet, smiling face made me forget about my own discomfort a bit. “That’s it,” I said. “Next time you tell me you can’t eat something, I’m going to put maple syrup on it. Brussels sprouts with maple syrup.”

He scrunched up his face in an adorable frown. “No.”

“Come on. It might be tasty. I’d probably eat it.”

“You’ll eat anything,” he teased. “If it’s all the same to you, I’ll start with a few bites of your French toast, and we’ll see how it goes from there. You can think of creative ways to convince me to eat disgusting green vegetables some other time.”

“Challenge accepted,” I said.

Yuri laughed. “Why am I suddenly worried?”

“Don’t worry. We’ve got the list from your doctor of the stuff you’re really not allowed to eat. The way I see it, everything not on the list is fair game.”

“Fine,” he said. “But don’t be surprised if this turns out to be more of a game for you than it is for me. Now, let’s…” He glanced down at himself and then quickly back at me. “No, I’m going to change my clothes first, and then let’s go downstairs.”

“Uh… yeah. Sorry I did that to your sweater.”

“It’ll come clean in the wash.” He gave me a lopsided grin. “You can call it payback for the times I’ve accidentally gotten sick on you.”

It was my turn to make a face, but I wasn’t as disgusted by the subject as I pretended to be. I was already starting to feel better. “If that’s what we’re calling it, I’m going to have to cry like that on you a few more times, then.”

“I think I can live with that,” Yuri said. “Wait for me to change and then we’ll go have breakfast with your mom, okay?”

Mom was in the kitchen when we arrived downstairs. Her expression was unreadable at first, and I wondered if she was mad. Then, when her gaze met mine, I knew instantly that she wasn’t. She could probably tell I’d been crying and I’m not sure what else she saw on my face, but I think whatever it was, it made her forget she’d been planning to tell me off.

She came straight to me and put her hands on my shoulders. “Are you all right, sweetheart?”

“As well as you could expect,” I said. “You could say I needed an intervention, but Yuri’s pretty good at that, so I think I’ll be mostly okay.”

“I’m glad the two of you have each other,” she said.

“Me too, but I’m also glad we’ve got you,” I told her. “I know I’m an idiot and i drive you crazy sometimes, but I love you and I need you, and…” My eyes were starting to water again. Remembering what Yuri had said, I fought the urge to apologize and went with, “Thanks for being an awesome mom and always putting up with my dumb nonsense.”

“Victor…” Mom pulled me in for a tight hug. “Your so-called nonsense is what makes you who you are. How could I not love you, nonsense and all?”

“Are you upset?”

“No,” she said. “I’m just glad you seem calmer and a little more focused now. I wasn’t sure what to do with you. I’m not certain I ever did know, honestly, but I’m grateful that Yuri knows how to do something for you that I don’t.”

“He talks to me. He helps me understand why I feel like I’ve got a tornado inside my head.” I closed my eyes and took a steadying breath, trying to find the hidden courage Yuri always tells me I have. My voice only shook a little bit when I said, “I have to tell you this, Mom. I don’t like it when you yell at me. It makes the storm in my head worse.”

She didn’t say anything for several seconds, but she held me closer and I could hear her breathing get faster, like maybe she was going to cry too.

“I’m sorry, sweet baby,” she murmured. “I never knew that. I wish you’d told me sooner, but I’m glad you’re telling me now.”

“I didn’t know how,” I said. “I’m not good at saying what I need, but Yuri’s helping me learn that too.”

“It seems like the two of you are helping each other a lot. I think you’re in good hands with him.”

“The best,” I agreed, “But, I still need you. I wish you didn’t have to go.”

“I wish I didn’t have to,” she said. “But I’ll come back, and we’ll have our phone calls and video chats in the meantime, and maybe we can work on sharing what we need a bit more. How does that sound?”

“I’d like that,” I said. “There’s stuff I really want to talk about with you. I don’t think I’m ready yet, and maybe you’re not either, but at least we can start with getting better at saying how we feel.”

“Agreed.”

She kissed me on the side of my face before letting go of me and stepping back. She was smiling, but there was something about it that made me think there were a lot of different emotions behind it.

I know my relationship with my mom changed today, and I’m uncharacteristically not scared about it. I believe things are going to be better between us after this. Not that they were ever bad, but I think it’s going to be different, more open and more... adult?

Like, we’re going to work on trusting each other in a way we never did in the past, and then maybe some day I’ll be able to ask the questions I want to. Maybe a time will come when I can ask her about my father and my baby sister Caroline, and about why she never tried to find anyone else to be with after Dad died. Maybe I can tell her the real reason I don't like thunderstorms, and why I don’t drink alcohol, and why I'm irrationally afraid when someone I love leaves me, even if it's not forever.

I know all of that is going to take time, but if we start with small steps, it’ll be possible. It’s like I told Yuri on the mountain a few days ago; If you’re not afraid to try, who knows what can happen?

Mom and I pulled ourselves together after a minute or two, and then she helped me cook breakfast. She asked me if I remembered her teaching me how to make French toast when I was a kid, and I did. I recalled standing on the step-stool in our kitchen, mixing up the eggs, milk, vanilla and cinnamon. Soaking the bread in the egg mixture was always my favourite part, other than eating it when it was done. I was fascinated by how it got all golden-brown when Mom fried it in our big cast-iron skillet, and I loved how the entire house would be filled with the comforting aroma of it.

“We always made French toast on Sundays,” Mom said.

“Today’s Sunday.”

She gazed at me and smiled. “So it is.”

“I’m really happy you came, Mom,” I said. “It probably wasn’t the visit you expected, but Yuri and I are both really thankful that you were here to help us with our move and everything. We couldn’t have done it without you.”

“It wasn’t exactly what I expected, no,” she conceded. “All the same, I’m glad I could be here when you needed me, and it has been a good visit.” She tilted her head slightly and grinned. “And it’s not quite over yet, you know. I understand there’s a festival today that’s not to be missed, and I also seem to recall you promising me a little one-on-one snowboarding competition.”

“Right!” I had absolutely no idea how I’d managed to forget that. “Do you want to go snowboarding before or after the festival?”

“After,” she said, looking way too mischievous for my comfort. “A night run should be interesting, and I’m in the mood for a challenge.”

Yeah. She totally said that. My mom is just that awesome.

[stargazer-sims]

Journal Entry #22

previous // next // story index

__________

Victor

Worst. Day. Ever.

I should’ve known it was gonna be bad when I woke up feeling all weird and achy, with pressure in my nose and face like I was developing a cold. I was in a grumpy mood because I hate it when I'm not feeling good. Plus, I was annoyed because the first snowboarding competition of the season is only a couple months away and I didn’t want something inconvenient like a cold to interfere with my training. Priorities, you know?

Yuri got up before I did, which was odd enough, but then I somehow dozed off for a minute in the middle of getting dressed. A short time later, Yuri had to prompt me to finish my breakfast and that was super unusual. I love grilled cheese, especially with tomato and bacon, but this morning even my favourite sandwich wasn’t all that exciting.

Yuri drove me to work so I wouldn’t be late. We were both disappointed that I couldn’t kiss him goodbye before I got out of the car, but I was apprehensive in case I really was getting sick. Because of all the medication he has to take, his immune system is so weak that if he caught a cold, he wouldn’t just get a runny nose and feel uncomfortable and tired for a few days like I would. He’d be seriously ill, and I didn’t want to be the one responsible for doing that to him.

He blew me a kiss before he drove off, and as I watched our little red Toyota disappear down the street, I was having major second thoughts about my decision to go to work. Lying in my bed and keeping the bedroom door open so I could see Yuri in his workspace, listening to music, and playing games on my Switch sounded like a way better option than using up what little energy I had, teaching wealthy middle-aged ladies how not to hurt themselves lifting anything heavier than a credit card.

The biggest challenge in working at a fitness centre that caters to a lot of rich people is… rich people. Don’t get me wrong; the majority of my clients are nice, even if some of them like to flaunt their wealth.

When I say rich people, I’m not talking about the ladies who love to show off their newest designer yoga outfits or the people who casually mention their expensive stuff or the fancy places they’ve been to on vacation. I mean the rich people who act like their money and position in society make them better than the rest of us. I mean the people who look down on others based on nothing more than their circumstances in life. To them, people like me are worthless. That’s a huge barrier to overcome, and it makes my job — not to mention my life in general in the posh neighbourhood of Kiyosaka — harder than it should be.

In hindsight, I really should have called in sick. I could’ve avoided this train wreck of a day if I had.

The exact moment my day went from bad to completely disastrous was when I logged into our scheduling system to check my appointments. Yesterday before I logged out, I was sure my first session for today would be with one of my ongoing clients, an older lady by the very English-sounding name of Alice, who’s recovering from knee surgery. She’s adorable, and she calls me ‘darling’ in English, because pet names aren’t really a thing in Japanese. She’s already gifted me a hat that she knitted herself, which I’ve promised to wear to my first competition this year. I had to explain to her that I’ll have to switch it for my helmet when I’m actually competing, and she laughed as if I were silly for assuming she wouldn't already know that.

But I was telling you about the schedule. I frowned hard at the computer when I saw Alice’s name was not in my first appointment block any more. Someone had changed it. Now, in the block at the top of my calendar was a name that made me cringe.

Ren Kitagawa.

Ren was the last person I wanted to see today. Although he’s typically polite to me, things have changed from my perspective since the last time we spoke to one another, and I was not feeling kindly disposed toward him. Since I found out that he’s Yuri’s ex, I haven’t been able to think of him in the same way I had before. Where he used to be an unctuous and slightly annoying acquaintance, now he's the person who’d callously and deliberately harmed the man I love. It's hard to be positive in the face of that.

Still, this was my job, and I had to be professional no matter who the client was. I put on my game face as I stepped into the training room assigned to me. Ren was already in there, sitting casually on the weight machine as if it were a throne and the training room was his domain.

“Hello, Victor,” he said, as I closed the door behind me. “It’s been a while."

It’d actually only been a few days since I’d last seen him, since he trains with his coach and his personal trainer here all the time. We hadn’t talked though, not that I’d wanted to.

“Hello, Ren.”

“We should get started. I have something important to do," he said

“Your trainer’s here today,” I remarked. “Shouldn’t you and your coach be with him?”

“Ichiro isn’t with me this time," he informed me. "Oh, and just so you know, I asked for you specifically.”

“That’s not how this works. I have regular clients. One of my ladies is missing her session for you.”

“I know that.” He smirked. “That particular one of your ladies, as you call them, used to be my nanny. I asked her for a favour.”

I felt myself deflate. “Oh.”

“Don’t you want to know why?”

“Not particularly,” I said. “Are you working on your arms and back today? I don’t know your training schedule.”

“Never mind my training schedule,” Ren said. “I don’t need you to supervise my workout. All I want to do is talk to you.”

“Okay,” I said, immediately uneasy. “About what?”

“Why have you been calling my girlfriend?”

I started at him.“Your… who?”

“Hana.”

“Hana Okamoto? Yuri’s sister?” I said. "I didn't realize she was your girlfriend. I thought it was just, you know... a hookup situation."

“Yes, Hana is my girlfriend,” he said, sounding offended. “She told me that you’ve been calling her and leaving harassing messages, and I want to know why.”

“I called her three times in the past couple of weeks,” I told him. “I left one message, and it was basically like, ‘This is Victor. Please call me’. Not sure how that’s harassment.”

“Why were you calling her in the first place?” he questioned.

“Why does it matter?” I countered.

“It matters because she’s upset about it, and I don’t like it when Hana is upset.”

I felt a surge of irritation, remembering how legitimately distraught Yuri had been after his last conversation with Hana. It would be too mild to say I hadn't liked that. If anyone had a right to be angry about someone upsetting their partner, it was me. “Somehow I doubt she’s all that bothered."

Ren glared. “You don’t get to make that judgment, white boy,” he said. “And you still haven’t answered my question.”

“Fine,” I said. “I was calling her because I needed to talk to her about you.”

“What about me?”

“I wanted to know why she told Yuri that you want to see him.”

“Perhaps because I do," he said.

“Why?”

Ren smiled in a way that made the muscles along my spine contract involuntarily. “Nostalgia.”

“What?” I blurted. "What nostalgia? The way I understand it, there aren't that many happy memories to be nostalgic about."

"You weren't there. You wouldn't know."

"Cut the crap, Ren. Why did you tell Hana you want to see Yuri?"

"Because I need something interesting to do,” he said. “Yuri was never boring. Hana told me that he said he misses me, and when I think about it, I miss him too. I thought it might be fun to catch up.”

“Yuri doesn’t want to see you,” I told him flatly.

“Is that what he said? He always did play hard to get, but once you do catch him…” Ren’s face looked exactly as if he’d just tasted something sweet and he wanted more. “I guess you know what a treat he is though, don’t you?”

“I have no idea what you’re talking about,” I said, even though I did.

He got up from the weight training machine and stepped so close to me that he was in my personal space. I wanted to back up, but the training room is small and there wasn’t anywhere to go. I couldn’t even leave because he was between me and the door.

“Does he still like it rough?” Ren asked.

“I wouldn’t know. I’m never rough with him.”

“He used to cry and pretend he was frightened when I’d hold him against the wall, and he’d beg me not to touch him, as if he didn’t want my hands and mouth all over every part of his body. I think he knew that got me excited. That’s what I miss.”

I recalled the morning of Yuri’s birthday, how I’d carried him from the bath to my room and laid him carefully on the bed, and how he’d let me caress him all over with my hands and mouth. He’d been playful and happy and completely unafraid. Any place he didn’t want me to touch, I didn’t touch, and when he told me to stop, I did. It was horrifying to imagine my sweet boy having to plead for someone to respect a physical boundary that they already knew existed; abhorrent to think that anyone would deny that no actually meant no.

I have never once held Yuri against a wall, or against any other solid surface for that matter. He’d hate that, and even if he wouldn’t hate it, I’d be too worried I’d hurt him. Ren apparently hadn’t been so considerate. The mental image of this disgusting person pinning my gentle, delicate Yuri against a wall and trapping him there till he cried and begged to be let go filled me with so much rage that the intensity of it shocked and terrified me.

I realized I was shaking, and it took all my willpower to keep my voice level. “You stay away from Yuri. You’ve hurt him enough.”

“What about how he hurt me?” Ren retorted. “He left me without so much as an explanation. Even after all this time, I’d still like to know.”

“As if you don’t already know,” I said. “As if you think forcing him to do things you knew he didn’t want to do wasn’t reason enough.”

“I didn’t force him. We never did anything he didn’t agree to. He’s a self-centered, manipulative little thing, and he’ll tell you whatever he thinks you want to hear to make the situation work to his advantage. So, whatever he said to you about me, it’s probably only half true.”

“I think it’s all true.”

“Believe what you want,” he said. “You might have a different opinion when he suddenly leaves you and then tries to ruin your reputation by telling everyone you abused him.”

“That’s not going to happen,” I said.

"You don't think?"

"I know for certain it won't. And you didn’t need Yuri to ruin your reputation, and you did abuse him. Why else would he be afraid of you? People aren’t scared of people who are kind and respectful to them.”

“I doubt he’s as scared of me as he’d like you to believe.”

“It doesn’t matter, because it’s not a question of degree,” I said. “If he says he's scared, I believe him. He doesn't need to meet some kind of fear benchmark or something for his feelings to be valid."

"According to him."

"Yeah, because they're his feelings," I said. "Look, he doesn’t want to see you, and that’s all there is to it. If I find out that you’ve been anywhere near him, I'll—“

"You’ll what?” Quicker than I could react, Ren grabbed the front of my shirt and spun me around. He pushed me backwards until I felt my back making forceful contact with the training room’s mirrored wall. “Tell me what you’re going to do, tough guy. I know you’re strong, but trust me, you don’t want to take me on. I’d make a mess of you that it’d take forever to clean up. I wonder what our Yuri would think of that?”

“Don’t call him that,” I said. “He’s not yours.”

It was taking all the strength of will I possessed to not react physically. My heart was racing, and I’m not ashamed to admit I was scared, but I was also incredibly angry and I didn’t trust myself to be able to get back any measure of control if I lost it. Besides, I was at work, and I didn’t want to do something stupid that’d cost me my job. Not only that, Ren was right. I don’t know how to fight. I’m strong, but I hate the very idea of fighting and I honestly have no clue what I’d do other than flail around like an idiot.

He tightened his grip on the front of my shirt, yanked me forward roughly and then gave me another hard shove against the mirror. “You still haven’t told me what you’d do. I’m waiting.”

"You know this room has cameras,” I reminded him quietly. “I’d let go, if I were you.”

“You think I give a fuck about that?” Ren said.

“You should, if you ever want to come back here.”

“I don’t care about that either.” He leaned in close to my face and clenched his hand so tightly around my collar that the fabric was drawn taut against my throat. “The way I see it, you have something that I really wanted and never got over losing. I don’t like losing, especially to people like you.”

"This isn’t a competition,” I said. “And people aren’t possessions. If Yuri is mine, it’s because that’s what he wants. Anyway, up until a couple weeks ago I had no idea you’d been together, so there’s no way you can say it’s personal.”

“It’s personal to me.”

“Why do you even care? You're with Hana now.”

“So?”

“So, maybe she’d like to know how you really feel. You don’t give a crap about her, do you? This is just about your screwed up obsession with someone who doesn’t even want to see your obnoxious face.”

“You don’t know anything about me and Hana," Ren growled.

“I think I know all I need to,” I said. “Using her like that is gross. She’s not my favourite person, but she doesn’t deserve to be hurt by you any more than Yuri did. If you’re not going to be honest with her, then you should leave her alone.”

“For your information, she chose me,” Ren said, “And she thinks what Yuri did to me is despicable.”

"You're despicable. Yuri didn’t do anything to you.”

“Yuri humiliated me. He told anyone who’d listen that I’m a terrible person and made everybody judge me, and of course they believed him. Innocent, fragile little Yuri, who everyone protects and feels sorry for. He uses that to get whatever he wants, and it pisses me off.”

“This isn’t really about Yuri, is it?" I realized. "It's not about Hana or me either. It’s about your ego.”

“It’s about the truth, and setting the record straight, and it’s about settling things with people who’ve done me wrong.”

“It’s been five years," I said. "You should let it go.”

“Don’t tell me what I should do!” he shouted.

Before I even realized what was happening, I found myself on the floor, flat on my back. I landed shoulder-first, and the pain of the impact shot through my entire arm. I gasped.

“Ren! What the hell…?”

“Shut up!”

He planted one foot on my stomach and pushed down with all the strength of his competitive figure skater’s legs. I felt like the air had completely left my body and for a second the edges of my vision went all grey and fuzzy, like I was going to pass out.

“Why—“ I began, but then I got scared that I didn’t have enough oxygen to breathe and talk at the same time.

“Because I can,” he said. “Because I’ve got to be better than you at something.”

“You… you’re crazy,” I said. “Dangerous and crazy.”

“You’ve got it half right,” he said. “I’m not crazy.”

“Get out of here, Ren. Leave now, and I might consider not telling anyone about this.”

“You’re not going to tell anyone,” he said. “Want to know why I think that?”

“Not really interested in what you think.”

“You should be.”

“Not. Interested.”

“Too bad, because here it is,” Ren said. “You won’t tell anyone, because thanks to Hana, I know exactly where you live and I know our little Yuri is home alone all day, every day you’re here.”

“You wouldn’t—“

“You don’t know what I would or wouldn’t do."

"I swear to God, if you so much as breathe the same air as Yuri, I'll find a way to make you regret it."

"Ooh... big talk," Ren mocked. He thrust his foot against my belly again, and leered down at me. "You're not going to do a damn thing other than what I tell you to do. Got it?"

"I'll never do what you—"

Another downward thrust. "I said, got it?"

"Bastard."

"Now, listen," he said. "I know that nobody watches the tapes from the cameras around here unless there’s a report, but there’s not going to be a report, is there, Victor?”

“No,” I whispered.

“That’s the correct answer. And you're not going to tell Yuri or Mr. and Mrs. Okamoto or your friends about our chat, are you?"

I shook my head.

"Good, he said. He took his foot off me, but when I started to get up, he aimed a kick at me that landed just below my ribs. He made a disapproving clicking noise. “Not so fast. You can get up after I leave the room.”

“Damn you,” I groaned.

Ren turned toward the door. “Have a nice day, Victor. When you get home, tell our Yuri I said hello.”

My shoulder and side were throbbing as I struggled to my feet. I’m an athlete, so you know I’m really fit, but not even the most in-shape person is going to be jumping right up after getting the wind kicked out of them multiple times. I was sure Ren had missed my ribs, but I tried to examine them anyway. Not that it would make a difference if I could determine whether any of them were cracked, because there’s literally nothing anyone can do for a cracked rib other than painkillers and rest, but I still felt the need to check.

I glanced at the time on my fitness tracker; twenty-five minutes until my next scheduled session. It wasn’t much time, but I estimated it’d be enough for me to pull myself together, at least. I was going to have to get through the rest of the day somehow, after all.

I hobbled to one of the staff restrooms and locked myself in, praying that nobody who saw me on the way noticed how painfully I was moving. Once I was in there, I took off my uniform so I could inspect the damage. I had to stand with my back to the mirror and try to look behind me so I could see what kind of state my shoulder was in, and to my absolute horror it was a wreck.

To be fair, I bruise pretty easily, but this bruise was already forming and it was massive and angry-looking. I knew if I didn’t ice it right away, I probably wouldn’t be able to raise my arm in the morning. The problem was, I couldn’t exactly go to the physiotherapist or sports medicine nurse on staff and ask for an ice pack for an injury that, according to the official story, never happened.

So much for my training, I thought. And I was worried about my cold getting in the way of it.

Alone in the bathroom, the full realization of what had happened suddenly hit me. I wasn’t just walking around with a banged-up shoulder and sore ribs. I had been assaulted by another person who may or may not have conspired to get me alone for that very purpose, for a reason I couldn’t understand. And the worst part was, I couldn’t tell anyone.

I was trembling so badly that I had to hang onto the sink so I didn’t fall over, and then I had to hang onto the wall for a minute as I turned around because I didn’t want to throw up in the sink. Convinced my stomach was literally turning itself inside out, I heaved until I thought I was going to faint, and then, in what I can say was likely the most undignified moment of my nearly twenty-six years of life, I laid on the cool tile floor in front of the toilet and cried.

When I came out of the bathroom, I probably looked as awful as I felt, but I’d washed my face and finger-combed my hair and made the best effort I could to be professional and presentable. If anybody noticed anything out of place, they didn’t comment on it.

For the rest of the day, I kept doing surreptitious shoulder exercises, in the hope that things wouldn’t end up as bad as I expected. Thankfully, I didn’t have any swimming lessons to teach, because I would’ve had a hell of a time explaining my disfigured shoulder to anyone who saw me with my shirt off.

At last, congratulating myself on having survived the rest of the work day with no one the wiser, I made my escape at half-past four

Walking home, I spent most of the journey attempting to figure out what I was going to say to Yuri. There was no way I was going to tell him about my encounter with Ren. I don’t like keeping stuff from him, but I felt this was something it was better he didn’t know. I decided I’d say that I’d accidentally struck my shoulder on something while working with a difficult client. That was true, if vague, so at least I wouldn’t be lying to him.

The fact that I was now certain I was coming down with a cold oddly felt like a saving grace. It would give me a convenient excuse not to sleep or bathe with Yuri for a few days, so he wouldn’t see the bruises until they’d faded a bit. I couldn’t stand to think of his reaction if he saw my shoulder now. He gets upset if I take a spill into a snow fence up on the mountain or if I burn my finger while making dinner. As mean as this is going to sound, this time I really didn’t feel like consoling him when I was the one who was injured.

Of course, I should’ve realized I couldn’t hide the day’s events from him completely. I mean, the bruises were covered, but the instant I walked in the door and he hurried into the entryway to meet me, he knew straight away that something wasn’t right.

Usually I'm greeted with a hug and a kiss and "Welcome home.” Today, however, he kept distance between us and immediately demanded. “What happened?”

“Nothing much,” I said. “I’m tired, that’s all.”

“Bad day at work?”

“You could say that.”

“Do you want to talk about it?” he asked.

“No,” I said. “I’m not feeling well. I’m going to lie down for a while. Do you think you can manage getting yourself something to eat for dinner?”

“I guess I can make some instant noodles,” he said.

Despite the state I was in, I smiled at that. “No, Yuri. Something with protein. Try again.”

“Yogurt?”

“Better, but you’ll be hungry later if that’s all you eat.”

“What were you going to cook?” he asked. “Fish and steamed vegetables? I can try to cook that, so there’ll be something for you if you’re hungry later.”

I nodded. “Well done. Eventually you’ll be deciding stuff like that about food without me having to remind you.”

“Maybe,” he said. “Are you sure you can’t cook, though?”

“Sorry,” I said. “I’m really not feeling up to it. You can do it. I need to crash for a couple of hours.”

“Okay. Do you need anything?”

“No.”

He chewed his lower lip. “All right, but… you’d tell me if you did need something, wouldn't you?”

“Come here,” I said, holding out my arms to him. He was there in an instant, and I hugged him lightly and kissed the top of his head. “I’ll be fine. Don’t worry. Come up and check on me in a couple of hours, if you want, but don’t wake me up if I’m asleep, okay?”

“Okay. Can I sleep in your bed tonight?”

“Better not, just in case. I don’t want you to catch what I’ve got.”

“Please?” He pouted in a way that I normally find irresistible, but at that moment only made me feel frustrated.

“No,” I said. “Doing that thing where you look all cute and sad isn’t going to change my mind either. I don’t want you getting sick. If we can do anything to avoid it, we should, because I don’t want you to end up in the hospital with pneumonia or something.”

This time, his pout was real. "You’re no fun, you know. I might’ve really been in the mood for cuddles.”

“Sorry, but I think you’ll survive a night or two in your own bed. You know, somebody’s got to make responsible decisions around here.”

“Since you’re not feeling well, I’ll excuse the fact that you just called me irresponsible,” he said. “Go to your room. I’ll bring you some tea later, and you can tell me what’s actually going on.”

“I really don’t feel good,” I said. “That’s what’s going on.”

“Yes, I believe you, but I also know there’s something else.”

“I’m going to bed,” I said.

In my room, I changed out of my uniform and put on my favourite, most comfortable sweatpants and my Canada Winter Games warmup jacket. My ‘security jacket’ as my mom calls it. My other comfort items are a white fuzzy blanket that I've had since childhood and my blue monster plush, Munch, who I've had since I was three. I doubt most men my age still have their favourite childhood toy, but I can't see me ever giving mine up. Judge if you want, but Munch has been with me through everything. His fur has caught a flood of my tears.

I took Munch down form the shelf above my dresser, climbed onto my bed and pulled my white blanket around myself. I tried to lie down, but my shoulder was hurting too much for me to get comfortable, and my stuffed-up nose felt even more blocked when I didn’t hold my head upright. I needed to take some ibuprofen or something, but the thought of leaving my room was too much.

Maybe I’ll never leave it again, I thought.

Yes, I knew that was completely irrational. Obviously I would come out of my room eventually, but just then the idea of disappearing from human society forever didn’t seem like a bad one. I decided that people were too horrible, social interaction was too complicated and messy, and I was emotionally unprepared for the complexities of adulthood. I didn’t want to deal with any of it. I only wanted to be alone in a safe little bubble of my own design, where I would never have to cope with anything that was scary or difficult, and where no one could ever hurt me.