#WHICH IS KIND OF OBVIOUS BUT I CANT IMAGINE. THE EMOTIONAL TURMOIL

[sleepii-moth]

okay so theres a fucking. explicit fic in the outer wilds tag on ao3 i scrolled past like 100 times before i realized how to block explicit fics but

one of the times i was scrolling past i like glanced at the description on accident (which thankfully was an actual description that was not. explicit) and i saw what the basic "plot" of it was about and i shit you not it was so fucking funny (im not telling you im building up suspense) so on a voice call with a friend who's been playing ow i mentioned it and we were just laughing about the overall concept being so stupidly funny

so forward to now i am sitting on my bed and im thinking about it and for a second curiosity takes over and im like. okay. i really want to see what the rest of the description was

so i go and i unfilter explicit content. and i find it. and its so fucking funny man the last part killed me i really cant even tell if this is earnest or not because im just dying looking at this description trying not to laugh so hard

LIKE I DONT KNOW HOW YOU WRITE THIS WITH A STRAIGHT FACE ILL BE REAL

[free-falling-grenade]

OP NEVER SHUT UP, DONT even be sorry. I'm not the same anon as who demanded part one or two. But, PART THREE of How much do you think about Rayaari? ready set GOOO

I’m ngl this sat in my inbox for a while coz I needed to make gifs of the movie before I could answer this 👀But HEY LETS GO

Part one. Part two. Part four. Part five.  Part six.

Exhibit F:

Let's rewind a bit further back, with young Namaari and Raya. Their first look/glance, Raya looks at Namaari causing her to smile a tiny bit but her face falls probably realizing what she has to do, recalling mother's plan.

Tbh, I can imagine a younger Namaari's inner turmoil at this. But she's been taught to put Fang first. So she probably sees her tribe starving in her head and decided to keep pushing through. That she wasn't there to make real friends. This was a mission she was entrusted with and shes not about to disappoint her mother and her whole tribe. Even if a big part of her oh so badly wants to as she glances back at the unexpected kind soft look Raya gave her.

Exhibit G :

I like to call this #worriedpotentialgirlfriend after her mother implied that she might kill the only lovely binturi that keeps her living.

I'd like to add that this is probably the first time she properly questioned her mother's decision and hidden intentions. She doesnt know what to make of it.

Exhibit H:

Ah yes the debby ryan hair thing Namaari does that had us all trembling in gay. But look after,

We arent the only ones pretty damned endeared by this gesture. Raya's face of slight surprise. I bet she had a flashback of innocent little Namaari when they were younger doing the same. Now, it looked even more pure as Raya didn't think Namaari was anything more than a binturi. She's glad to see that flash of soft genuine shy trait still existed.

Exhibit I:

Which leads us to this scene after Raya had decided to trust Namaari again after giving her the pendant but ya girl ever the rule follower breaks her trust

Theres a flash of hurt in her eyes in the way her eyebrows furrowed, before turning into anger. She was already hesitant but she was trying to trust in what Sisu said, and she did try. And she cant help but get hurt just at the moment when she thought it finally worked. Just when she wanted to trust in Namaari again but was proven wrong.

Exhibit J:

Aaaa I just love how complex they make Namaari's character. To anyone who paid attention, you can see the clear and obvious hesitation here,

Besides her long eyelashes, I'd like to believe that in this whole scene, Namaari thought about how she can please both sides, meaning her mother and raya+sisu.

She does offer the gem, a part of her probably believes Sisu can bring everyone back but hesitantly so she remembers the convo she had with her mother and she pulls her crossbow so a part of her doesnt feel so bad for turning her back against her own tribe. It always lands back to them, her decisions always hooked for the good of Fang or for her Mother. Never a decision for herself.

She just wants them to comply so Virana doesnt act up and kill both of them. So she thinks in exchange, what if she brings them back safely and alive although with needed force so they have no choice to comply and Namaari is doing them a favor by saving their lives.

Well obv we all know how stilted that plan was. Adding in Raya's major trust issues and her emotional turmoil for feeling like she was betrayed twice, which led it to an even worse outcome.

-×-

I got more but I'm shutting up now 🤡🤡 Till a potential part four maybe?? LOL. Tbh when I do make the next one, that's gonna have most of the rayaari spice in it.

[flower-of-the-desert]

3x08 thoughts

Goddamnit, Jace is killing me. I’m just a pile of tears right now. 😭😭😭

Seriously though, can you even imagine the kind of torment he’s going through right now? Like this whole time he’s been tortured with his worst fears coming true over and over again and all he cares about is Lilith making him do things again and hurting other people to the point where he is literally that desperate to die. I just... when he said “I tried so many times” it honest to god broke my heart so much.

Next season I’m gonna need Jace to be on a long vacation with lots of hugs and cuddles and everything nice.

The whole Lightwood family thing was also very heartwarming to see in action. I’m glad they included all three of them because we dont usually get to see that. It’s always Alec and Jace or Jace and Izzy or Alec and Izzy but rarely all three together. It really felt like they were family.

Speaking of family, I was surprised to see Maryse but hell yeah! My girl is doing fine and helping spy on the Clave, good good. Also I’m glad we got to hear a little bit more about her past and relationship with Robert. It was obvious that she wasnt in love with him anymore but I wasnt sure if the affair had been the reason or he got into the affair because they had stopped loving each other already. Or at least Maryse had.

I looooved the confrontation between Lilith and the Seelie Queen and how the Queen got out of it with her smarts. It felt very in character and we also got some more details on their backstories which is always a bonus. But why the heck couldnt Lilith find Jace? Isnt she connected to all her demons? Cant she sense where they are? She found him in the previous episodes so why cant she now? Is it a  plot convinience thing or because Magnus’s magic was somehow blocking her?

Maia bailing out at the end of the ep felt a little... I dont know, weird? I mean she was the one advocating about people not abandoning people and now she’s doing it... I mean I get why she would need to get away, no questions about that but it’s still... weird. And I hate when writers do this thing when a character is facing great emotional turmoil and rather than show us what they’re going through, they just send the character away to “clear their head” and then they come back totally fine and dandy! I hate that.

But at least she got more of a send off than Raphael. *cough cough*

Another confrontation I enjoyed was Magnus vs Lilith. I would have loved to see Magnus fight back but it makes sense that she would be more powerful than him at this stage - I cant wait to see him kick ass after he gets his power up from daddy dearest. Also we got a hint about their relationship maybe? At least that Asmodeus doesnt want him dead since according to Lilith that would cause an actual war between them - my kink is Magnus being fought over by powerful beings and people being willing to go to war for him. 😍😍😍

[somedaypast-thesunset]

this weekend was actually okay and something i needed. on saturday i spoke to my landlord who was very aggressive about our deal and it gave me alot f anxiety. i attempted to share this with.. well.. anyone, and it was really isolating. the day before i had spent just a few hours with him and another friend and i felt isolated. saturday evening he decided he wanted to hang out and was really, really excited to share that he had found a cottage he could use this summer. neither me nor my friend was that enthused. both of us have lives that dont reallt include cottages and who knows if he will still be our friend by then. honestly. and he presented this with such excitement, like it would be good news for me. like i would care. like i was supposed to care. i think in a way both my friend and i thought good news wouldve been him wanting to move out of his mothers house. like he had a change of heart and realized what was actually for the best. he stuck on the cottage, repeatedly asking me over the next day or so if i was excited. he said i could go fishing. if i dont, does he bring someone else? but having him in a good mood was much better than usual and made him much more affectionate and nice, which is what i needed to overcome some of my anxiety. not all anxiety can truly be solved on its own. he kept touching me and held my hand and was overall just really nice. it made me comfortable enough to share my landlord situation and surprisingly he had a similar reaction to my own - they had been nice before, they set out the rules im following, theyre just angry they arent getting anything right now by definition of their own rules. he told me it was okay and i didnt need to worry about it because they had resolved to threats and aggression when i never once acted inappropriately. i felt alot better hearing that. weve been very careful not to comment on each others choices but still offer passive opinions. he doesnt like me living with anyone and hes negative about all of my options. but he doesnt tell me outright what to do / what im doing wrong in his eyes. but it felt better to feel justified in my belief that i wasnt crazy for thinking that i was in fact following their rules and procedures. a bit later on he mentioned that i should try for my native status and to me its a very sketchy subject based on almost 100 years of people with a very flimsy story which i imagine is mostly true but there could be serious false parts. thats why i just accept the ancestry my father believed in but dont indulge in it. but its gratifying to hear a random opinion which someone came to on their own regarding my ancestry and their belief in my belief. but he added that i should seek out an aboriginal center that could help me through the process and they should be more than willing to help because ive experienced so much abusive trauma. i felt a bit thrown back by this observation and didnt really reply. i mean, im not insulted or offended. im more genuinely surprised that within his own thoughts he believed i had abusive trauma and he wanted a way for me to cope easier in life. and it wasnt just oh u had trauma, it was 'so much abusive trauma' - very specific, indicating belief that not onlt had i experienced trauma on its own but that it had been willfully inflicted on me in my past. i believe in a way this also refers to the fact i told him what has been unsaid between us but most obvious in our last fight. he is a contributing factor on a semi regular basis to my anxieties and depression because he chooses to be as close as he is in the type of 'relationship' we have but does things like randomly break up or blame things on me. but its up and down, putting me through a cycle and my trust and patience, as thin as it was to begin with, is hanging on by a thread. i do believe he could leave at any moment without deep thought into how it would affect me. and he tries to remain naive or ignorant to the damage he caused; he asks me if i know where random things are or why i havent taken care of our herb garden and i remind him that im not here and im not welcome to do these things or know these things. he pushed me away for almost two weeks and expected things to be exactly as they were like i had left yesterday. i believe, like my ex, my trauma is too large for him. like, its a hard thing to completely encapsulate and see on a single level at once. and its complex emotional abuse - whether purposeful or not by people that may or may not have had control over the situation. i have felt like an observer since i was a baby. like im just watching crazy shit go down over and over again without a real period of content in between it all. in the afternoon, i felt a bit better. i didnt need sympathy or a shoulder to cry on necessarily, but when you feel very isolated, having your existence acknowledged is good. someone knows. they thought about it. i didnt implant it or bring it up. i roller skated for a bit - im sure its like literally 5-10 minutes of skating at a time but to me its kind of amazing im outside on rollerskates at all. and i think its kind of unbelievable to others as well - not that im too lazy, just that ive made an active choice to emerge from things at the best of mt abilities. later i began looking for jobs and apartments, repeating the same routine of the last few weeks but grateful to be in comfort doing it instead of at the library. i began narrowing down my search - i know, i know, i should take all the jobs. any job. put myself on a production line, hand bomb boxes, cut up chicken - but i cant. i cant do it at this point in my psyche. i cannot physically or mentally bare the process of living that way. its incomprehensible to me - im not above it. im not stubborn. im not lazy. but when you barely have the desire to get out of bed and feed yourself and bathe, to create the desire from nothing to go to a factory and pack boxes for eight hours of the day is so much time alone with my mind. its not distracting or challenging enough and ive see. these terrible jobs make normal people depressed so to me it seems like a death sentence. so i began to narrow it down - its been a long journey, acrually. it started months ago when i sat down and sincerely though about the very few things i could believe or want in my life thriugh all the fog and trauma and stress. it was very basic - im kind of a simple person. or maybe im simple among my turmoil. i like animals - but they also can trigger alot of anxiety and emotions that i dont want to deal with on a regular basis on top of having employment to maintain. i like cooking and baking; but all job environments with this are very high stress fast paced places and i am a sloth. not lazy, again, but currently moving at a pace that is the best of my abilities. i like computers but my skills are from 2008 and i dont have the patience or attention span to upgrade them right now. i like, in some ways, cleaning but i dont think its something id want to do everyday of my life. i like caring for the elderly, but again, its a complex job with alot of mental stress. so for the past month or so ive settled on essentially something in horticulture. i like growing things. it brings me a little joy on the inside. i like herb gardens and flowers, i like being outside, i like learning about plants. i began looking for a job in a garden center but they were few and far between and i began to realize that it was still mainly retail. so i applied to landscaping - i could cut grass and weed gardens but its male dominated industry and i dont think my few years of experience doing well, nothing, makes me a their first choice. plus its back breaking and the weather conditions can be terrible. so i looked for jobs as a florist or in a flower shop or maybe just the flower department in a grocery store. it seemed relatively low stress, not incredibly fast paced but something that was always in demand and flowers and maintaining flowers is great. but i began to learn that it required experience, as most jobs do, but as i thought about it i realized perhaps i could be a floral designer. it sounds really.. meh. like a super unimportant job with no real purpose and may e thats okay. it has alot of options; floral shops, weddings, funerals - its an oddly versatile thing that also allows for creativity and an experience of art and a little bit of science. its not complex, but it could be. and it allows for expansion - i could run my own flower shop. its not the most useful trade but its something thats always useable. i hesistantly looked into schooling. it seemed like a random course you took once and they gave you a paper. but a neaeby college has an entire 2 semester course that includes fundamentals of color and design and business plus floral design and other similae things. i say near but its a 2 hr bus ride away. however, its only on saturdays. one day a week for eight months. for curiousitys sake i looked into student loans. my last experience was uncomfortable. despite my best efforts, including calling multiole financial aid offices and sending paper work, i was still messed around and had no idea what to do to fix it. in rhe end i was told it was unlikely student loans would cover my choice; it was an online course in criminal psychology. i felt defeated and turned away from it but looking back now it was a poor attempt to alleviate pressures. so i was weary that osap would cover this course. apparantly school was sketchier than i thiught and the websites were utterly confusing and just asking for money up front. but i continued on, certain that it must work - everyone else manages it. i found the loan calculator and inputted the data. it would be the bare minimum course load thst would count towards getting a loan. it seemed impossible, a course that only happened saturdays that would be covered by a loan. but it recognized the course and calculated based on my assistance i get now, which i know is possible and i know assistance encourages you to do so. it came back as covering my books as well as 9000$+ for living & travelling expenses for the eight months. right now, assistance would allow me a little over 5000$ provided i dont get a job. and thats for living and eating, 300$ a month for rent, 300$ for basic living. at 9000$ i could afford 500-600$ in rent, possibly more if i really wanted to stretch it more so as a loan, when i work, my money isnt deducted. so my shelter costs are covered and at an even higher amount of rent for 700$, i have 300$ still to live on. if i wanted to live alone, that is. having 500-600$ to offer in a roommate situation or towards anything in my future is better than the 300-400$ im looking at now. so i think i want to do this. im going to ask assistance to cover the application fee and im rly hoping i have the one pre requisite course they ask for. it doesnt solve anything right now at all. this is long term think over the next 6-8 months, whicb honestly is scary. im scared by planning so far ahead for myself. and its hard because what if what if what if. but i think its the right thing to do. i dont know if it is. was i ever going to be a famous chef or doctor or office person? probably not. im lucky to exist as i am now. its a reachable goal just outside of my comfortzone and despite the meager amount it seems like theyre giving me, its more than i have had for almost a year now. i believe im ready to handle this, which is funny because its thrown on 18 yr olds eith no life experience but it doesnt matter. a friend has been sort of wanting to be my roommate. its hard to trust her though. and its a really sketchy situation to enter into but financially it would make sense and it would allow me to keep a majority of my comforts. she said she drove around and looked for apartments yesterday and called a few, which is more than ive done. she did show me a few but they were just out of my price range and i wonder if i just wont have enough money to even have a roommate. i also havent had any calls or opportunties for jobs or cash and half of it is my fault. today i could go to contract testing andearn 20$. but ill spend 4$ to get there. i wanted to make it a trip and go to the assistance office too and submit paper work for my application but my desire is not there and im frustrated st myself because i was given a fine weekend. and i need the money; im nearlt short of first & last for 400$ worth of rent, which means i cant even look at 500$ places. i can, however, afford 450$ which is not so bad and i guess i could borrow 100$ from someone if it came down to it, considering my efforts. so 20$ today would sort of go towards living expenses right now and i guess i just.. dont care. i also have to call hydro because i have a past due notice im hoping doesnr translate to final notice? im past due on mt past due and even making the phone call seems daunting. my mornings have become battlefields, mental acrobats of havinf set a plan - even a simple task and fighting myself for several hours about doing it or why or for what purpose. i commend myself, sadly, on the three consecutive days at the library last week. thats actually unheard of in my world, getting up, getting ready and goinf out at almost the same time for three days in a row. then it was the weekend. and now im here. and the weeke d didnt bother me. it didnt cause this, or maybe it did but it doesnt feel like it. im glad to have spent time with him in such a positive way but i guess i have a looming feeling of "well tomorrow i know i wont see him" and ill work out my day alone and eat alone and sleep alone and have all this time because i barely have wifi and no cable and no tv and no movies. its not his fault though. its mt fault. he doesnt have to share his time eith me because i couldnt manage to have wifi. or that i sold my tv. it would be best for me to do the things i planned today. i also havent began cleaning or packing any of my things. i could use boxes. but i kind of want to sleep; i didnt sleep well last night and felt ljke i was up most of the night, having slept alone, and being woken up pretty uncemermoniously at 630am. he explained he was up until 3am working on his project and managed some niceties but dropped me a block from my apt for no real reason. i do scorn myself for not taking initative. these tasks are really fucking simple and crucial to my well being but ill comfort myself with "well, its only this time of day, i can still do this and this later" and its such a poor cop out. i could do it now. the two hours ive been sitting here, couldve done it. but i didnt and i honestlt probably wont and that really makes me such a bucket. its hard feeling down about your depression. but i guess unfortunately im going to start this day again in a few hours and im sure ill be much better off.. or atleast well enough to move from my bed.