#Weird rant sorry sjsjsjs

[anothermonikan]

Why are so many people putting like 'No drivers license' on so many of those oddly specific polls? Guys, idk about you but a drivers license didn't magically spawn into my hands the minute I turned 17 / whatever the legal age to start driving is in your area is. That isn't weird or something that is out of place, that is a pretty big chunk of the population

[dannyphannypack]

UGH OMg ok im only ranting bc you just reblogged some snapping sound fanart- I just started A Snapping Sound two days ago and I AM IN LOVE with it!!! litterally makes Me NUT! but i am so sad (crying rn) bc I cant order a physical copy bc the author is no longer printing :( sorry babe just wanted to rant I know this must be so weird

OH THIS IS NOT WEIRD AT ALL ! if we became mutuals i’d be happy to loan you my copy, but because i have no idea who you are i don’t think i trust you to send it back SJSJSJ. it is absolutely INCREDIBLE. it is so gorgeous. everything about it is so. it’s perfect ! i have never seen horror written better luhv ! and that’s on basements (NO SPOILERS)

[theraen]

Kinda long mental health rant after the cut, sorry folks.

There's a part of me that knows everything I think on the matter of my mental health is mostly wrong. But the other side of the brain is like - urgh.

I feel like a fraud. I feel like I am the one invalidating what's happening inside my head with my very own hands, making it look like it's nothing while it's actually a freaking big deal to me.

I am slipping. Slipping as in I didn't sleep last night - at all - and spent a good part of the morning freaking out via texts with a friend because I was feeling too great - heck, I was feeling like some kind of super important and super powerful creature ready to take on the world with their bare hands. And I just couldn't stop. I couldn't stop talking. I couldn't stop feeling that way - it felt good but in an unnatural way and I couldn't help pumping myself up with the idea of me being that great. Does it make sense?

And I'm saying all of this because rn I'm kind of okay. Still not sleepy nor tired, I managed to get a 1-hour nap in the afternoon but it shouldn't be enough.

That's the awfulness of me that makes me feel like a fraud: when I slip, there's a part of me that's still very present to the situation and can see what's happening, all the signs and the symptoms and see Paoli you're doing this because of this, look Paoli, the way you feel might lead to that. Sometimes it's like I can put a filter to my actions and words and look okay. Sometimes it's harder (like this morning) but rn? I live with my parents (sadly) and they haven't noticed a thing. I pretended I was asleep last night when my father woke up and went to the kitchen. I'm behaving perfectly normal to their eyes.

Is all of this just another symptom? Is this a way for my mental illness to actually show up and protect itself from being "discovered"?

Am I weird if I think of my illness as a creature with will and machinations and ideas to make me fall?

I don't know how to feel nor what to think. I haven't been having such an episode in so long it feels like the first one (I mean the doctors are still kinda silent about my diagnosis but whatever they wrote stuff on paper and I'm gonna go with that cause I can't think about that too rn) and I'm kind of in the middle of a crisis - I mean I'm safe, I just do not know what to do. I saw all the signs starting days, maybe weeks ago but I brushed them all off as temporary; they usually are. Not this time tho.

I mean sjsjsjs I'm talking with such a serious tone but it's actually just an episode. And I'm safe. The filter I talked about earlier is making it all too distant for my mind to take it - and I hate this so much omg.