#Winebuzzfics

[abitnotgoodiebag]

Auditory Affliction

@ironstrangebingo square:  Carol Danvers

@metalandfood prompt:  from the tumblr prompt: Imagine Stephen’s phone going off a la Irene Adler style during inappropriate moments but it’s Tony’s voice that always comes out. The notification sound always changes from soft moans to a breathless, “Stephen”

AO3 link

Summary: Carol must put a stop to these inappropriate interruptions during avengers meetings.

Or

5 times Stephen’s phone goes off and one time it does not.

The first time it happens, there is silence.  Stephen pinches the bridge of his nose and pulls his phone from his robes with a put-upon sigh.

After a few taps on the screen of his hours-new personalized StarkPhone, Stephen looks up to see all of the gathered Avenger’s staring at him.

“So we’re just going to act like we didn’t hear Tony moan your name?”  Clint asks with a smirk, his tone implying something rude.

Stephen’s jaw tightens a fraction and he swallows the urge to portal him somewhere unpleasant.  He ignores the irritating archer and says, “FRIDAY, please let Tony know that I do not find his antics amusing.”

“Will do, Doc,” comes the reply in an amused tone, suggesting that boss would ignore the sentiment completely.

Apparently being crafted to adapt to the limitations of his trembling hands were not the only thing Tony had customized on the device.

The silence from the other members of the team stretches into something uncomfortable.

“What?!”  Stephen asks defensively.  “It’s not like I recorded it!”

Sam snorts “Suuuure.” under his breath.  Clint snickers in response, while Steve doesn’t seem to be sure how to react to the whole situation.

Stephen rolls his eyes so far back into his head he fears they might get stuck.  “I’ll be sure to mention how inappropriate this is next time I see Anthony.  I’m sure he’ll agree and immediately do as requested to save me further irritation, knowing how much he enjoys decorum.”  Stephen says, his sarcasm heavy.

Carol clears her voice to prevent further comments on Stephen’s unfortunate ringtone.  “If we could get back to matters at hand?”  she asks as she turns her attention back to the projection at the front of the room.

The meeting begins to drone on as it had before.

*Ooooh, Stephen!*

Stephen resists the urge to bang his head on to the table, having already been the recipient of enough stares today.  Stephen opens a small portal and throws the phone through it.

“You were saying?”  He asks with a frazzled smile pulling at his face.

---

Remembering that Tony is not only an Avenger, but also the world's foremost genius inventor is surprisingly difficult for Stephen.  As such, whenever Tony’s presence is required for presentations, conferences and the like, Stephen tends to sulk.

Tony has been gone for 2 days now and Stephen is not happy about it.  Wong has finally gotten tired of his moping around the Sanctum and has banished him until he can ‘get off his sorry ass and act like an adult, not a wounded puppy.’

Stephen finds himself wandering the halls of the compound aimlessly.  After a minute, his wandering is no longer aimless as he smells something tasty coming from the direction that he is now headed in.

Approaching the communal kitchen area, Stephen notices Carol, Rhodes, Sam, Scott, and Bruce in various stages of cooking and setting the table.

“Strange! I didn’t know you were here.” says Sam while grabbing two pitchers of what appears to be pink lemonade from the refrigerator.  “Are you staying for dinner?”

Stephen nods his assent, hoping that social interaction will cause the time until Tony’s return to go back just a bit faster.  “What can I do to help?” He asks moving further into the room.

“Everything is pretty much finished, just waiting on the pasta for another minute or so.  Make yourself comfortable.” Bruce stirs the pan of sauce that contains the source of the enticing scent.  Stephen can identify spinach and other assorted vegetables simmering in a thick red sauce.

He doesn’t realize how hungry he is, and floats an extra place setting to the table.

The food is delicious and Stephen finds himself glad that he stayed for dinner.  The wine and camaraderie is just the thing to drag Stephen from his funk.

“And then Telos said, ‘I’m not going to tell you again, man, it’s a fucking Flerken!’” Carol finishes, to the laughter of the group.  She takes a sip of wine and continues, “Goose then thought it was the perfect time to eat the box in question, surprising the hell out of Rastur.  I’ve never seen someone faint so fast.”

Stephen lets out another chuckle as he refills his glass.  He is seriously contemplating stealing another slice of pound cake when a long, loud, breathy moan emanates from his pocket.

This time Stephen does let his head hit the table.  “Fucking Tony.”

Scott can’t help but giggle.  “Yeah, that’s what it sounds like, man.”

Stephen shoots him a glare.  “Har har, Tiny Tim.”

Carol just sighs in resignation “He’ll never change it will he?”

Rhodes laughs softly, “Probably not.  Not when everyone keeps getting all stuffy bout it.  Rogers’ responses alone practically guarantee that it’s permanent.”

Carol just shakes her head in disapproval.  “It’s unprofessional.”

“It’s Tony.” Rhodey replies with a shrug.  “He does what he does when he wants to do it.”

Stephen looks up from his response to the intruding message.  “It’s one of the joys of his life to cause as much trouble as possible.”  Two more indecent cries follow.

“I-uh feel like we’re interrupting a private moment.” Sam says as he hurriedly reaches for the wine.  Bruce motions for him to pass it down when he finishes, Sam complies.

“If only.  Wong is regaling me with the tale of the newest novice to accidentally stick themselves in another dimension.”  Stephen says absentmindedly, putting the phone back in his pocket.

“Wait a minute, you’re telling me that’s not even Stark?” Scott asks bursting into giggles again.  “It does that for everybody?”

“Yup.” Stephen replies, lips popping on the P.

“Fucking Tony.” Says an amused Bruce.

“Fucking Tony.” Stephen agrees.

---

Steve Rogers and his merry band of pardoned rogues enter the common room as Stephen is meditating.

They pause momentarily, debating whether or not interrupting Stephen is the wisest course of action, but Clint rolls his eyes at his teammates and continues into the room.

“It’s my turn to pick the movie and I am not letting you dipsticks put me off again!”

Natasha rolls her eyes fondly and heads to one of the couches, curling on one side as Sam and Bucky bicker over who gets the other prime viewing spot on the couch.  “You always pick the shittest movies, Clint.  Don’t try to deny it.”

They settle in to various positions while Clint fiddles with the Blu Ray player.

The title screen for Sharknado: The Fourth Awakens appears on the television and a chorus of groans rings out, Natasha’s the loudest of the lot.

“Really, Barton?  Why do you hate us?”  Sam gripes as he decides that in order to sit through this, beer and popcorn are needed.  He gets up and heads to the kitchen to collect the snacks.

Clint replies with a smirk, “This is cinematic excellence, you heathens.”

“What exactly is a ‘sharknado’?” Bucky asks, dreading the answer.  “Tell me it isn’t exactly what it sounds like.”

“But it is exactly what it sounds like.  That’s the beauty of it!” Clint looks absolutely gleeful.

Steve and Bucky look at each other, each wondering why this even exists and why someone thinks that four of them are necessary.

As they munch on popcorn and pick apart the absurd stupidity of the film, they forget the sorcerer’s presence in the room altogether.  When they find out that April is actually alive, but mostly machine (several jokes are thrown Bucky’s way) and that she seems to be part human, part iPhone they are startled by a powerful cry of Stephen’s name drawn out in the most salacious tone yet.

Stephen is jerked from his meditating with a curse and would have fallen to the ground if not for the Cloak of Levitation keeping him off the floor.

He opens his eyes to the blush of Steve Rogers and smirks and leers from the rest of the ex-rogues.

“May I help you?”  Stephens asks, one eyebrow raised.

“Sounds like you get enough ‘help’ as is!” crows Bucky trying unsuccessfully to hold back laughter.

Various sounds of amused agreement from Sam, Clint and Scott follow the statement.  The phone moans again, omitting Stephen’s name this time.  Steve’s face is almost completely red when he manages to tear his gaze away from Stephen’s amused one.

“Why?  Why would Tony do that?  That is not for everyone to hear!” Rogers looks ready to combust from embarrassment.

Flying sharks dance across the screen in the background completely forgotten as Stephen tries not to crack a smile at Steve’s obvious discomfort.

“I think he was trying to embarrass me.  He wasn’t aware that it was an exercise in futility, but your reactions do give him some small measure of satisfaction.”  Stephen gets to his feet carefully and stretches.

Steve is still blushing and Clint is throwing popcorn at him chuckling.

“In any case, Everything I’ve tried to change or silence it has ended in failure, so I have to hope that he’ll get tired of everyone’s reactions and give it a rest.  Eventually.”  With that, Stephen opens a portal and steps through to the Sanctum.

“I just don’t understand it.”  Steve groans as he closes his eyes and thumps back against the couch, hitting Bucky’s leg.

“Well Stevie, when a boy and a boy love each other very much-” Bucky begins.

“And one of them is a shameless slut!” Clint interrupts, tossing more popcorn, this time into his own mouth.  Bucky collapses into laughter unable to finish his lesson on the bees and the bees.

Steve drops his face into his hands and wishes the floor would swallow him whole.  “I hate you guys.”

---

Stephen is still unsure how exactly they’ve ended up at this point.

Somehow during a routine training exercise (in which Clint is not a part of, yet is there for), Steve Rogers acquires two serrated arrows.  Said arrows are sticking out of the affectionately dubbed ‘America’s Ass.’  At Stephen’s gesture, the Cloak of Levitation lifts him with as little movement as possible and floats him quickly to the medbay.

Stephen opens a portal to Metro General in search of Christine.  After he locates her, they step through to the medbay and she appears to be just as baffled as he is.

“Why do you people even have an archer?  What is the actual point?”  She mutters to herself as she slides her hands into a pair of latex gloves.  

Stephen finds it difficult to find a positive answer to her question.  He floats several instruments and supplies over to the cart next to the bare-bottomed, Captain America.  Steve’s teeth are gritted and his fists clenched in discomfort.

Bucky is standing at the head of the gurney trying pathetically to rein in the snickers at the sight Steve makes.

“As you can see, the arrowheads are serrated, so yanking them out would not be ideal.  I came straight to get you, so I haven’t determined whether or not they’ve lodged into any bone matter.”  Strange offers his observations as the cloak floats back to settle on his shoulders.

Christine approaches the gurney containing the super soldier.  “Captain?  I’m going to have to get a quick X-Ray to make sure the tip isn’t lodged in your ilium or sacrum, can you hold tight for me while I check?”  Stephen is already pushing the XRay machine over to her.  She aims the beam and takes 2 images.  Seconds later, the images are displayed as a hologram above the XRay machine.

“Good news, Captain, No tips lodged anywhere.  That will make extraction much simpler.”  Christine smiles at him.

The doors open and Carol steps into the medbay with a stern look on her face.  She catches the gaze of both Stephen and Bucky and quirks an eyebrow.  “I am not happy to reset the critical incident counter in the training area again, gentleman.  Why exactly am I unhappy this time?”

Bucky ducks his head and swallows his laughter while Stephen just shrugs and replies, “Barton felt left out, I guess.”

Christine is dabbing the punctured area of Rogers’ backside with betadine, concentrating on the task at hand.  She picks up the forceps and places a hand on Steve’s lower back.  “This may pinch a bit, Captain.”  Steve lets out a breath.  “I’m going to remove the tips now.”

Steve grunts in response and a fist shoots out to grab Bucky’s forearm.  Bucky looks down at Steve and his gaze softens a bit at the discomfort on his face.  “Just a tick, Punk, the Doc will have you good as new.”

Christine maneuvers the forceps into position and is able to get the first arrow out with little more than a grimace from Steve.  She places the arrow on the cart and turns to the second arrow, inserting the forceps into the puncture gently.

*Oh Yesssss Stephen!*

Christine jerks at the sound, causing the arrow to tear into Steve’ glutes.  Steve’s grip on Bucky’s arm veers into painful territory.  Barnes and Rogers both cry out simultaneously.

“GODDAMMIT, TONY!”  Steve shouts, face colouring in pain and mortification.

Stephen fights with every molecule in his body, but is unable to stop the “Language!” admonishment from leaving his lips.

Every single person in the medbay levels a glare at the sorcerer who raises his hands in a gesture of contrition.  He is only moderately certain that his smirk is no longer on his face.

---

Stephen is hard-pressed to admit it, but he absolutely loves spending time with Peter.  He knows that he still isn’t quite as close to him as Tony is, but Stephen has grown fond of the Spiderling.

They are in Tony’s lab, Peter doing his homework and Stephen analysing the molecular structure of a relic discovered by the master of the newly rebuilt London sanctum.  Once stephen is assured that it is in fact magical and not some alien detritus, he joins Peter at the workbench.

They quickly fall into a discussion on microbiology  when a filthy moan stretches out for much longer than necessary.

Stephen whips his head to his pocket before hearing the sound of a pen hitting the metal worktop.  Strange turns back toward Peter, scandalized.  Peter’s face turns bright red and he looks as if he has no idea how to respond to the noise that just came from Stephen’s direction.

“Uh, Mr. Doctor?  Is everything alright?”

Stephen exhales slowly, counting to ten before retrieving his phone and glaring at it.   No matter how hard Stephen has tried, there is no changing or silencing the embarrassing notifications.  Tony refuses to do it himself and while Stephen initially found it irritating at worst and amusing at best, Peter is now being subjected to Tony’s ridiculousness.  

“How upset would you be if I murdered Tony?  Scale of Lang to Banner.”  Stephen asks mildly, rubbing at his temples.

Peter doesn’t seem to have heard the question.  His gaze is set resolutely forward, avoiding Stephen’s eyes.  After hearing his pseudo father like that…well, Peter needs brain bleach. “Erg…I just. Can’t.”

Unfortunately, Carol chooses this moment to enter the lab.  She frowns at the look on Peter’s face and opens her mouth, no doubt to ask him the matter.

Stephen’s phone picks that same moment to literally scream his name.  Everyone in the room is struck by a powerful urge to be somewhere else.

“Strange!  This has to stop immediately!” Carol barks as she throws her hands in the air.

Peter hurriedly throws his work in his backpack and flees the lab muttering under his breath about therapy and neuralizers.  Stephen experiences a wave of disappointment at his time with his Spider child being cut short.  Stephen feels the first twitch of serious ire at Tony’s foolishness.  “Major Danvers, I assure you I will speak with Tony about this idiotic phone.”

“See that you do, Strange.  Peter is going to be confounded for days.”  Try as she might, Carol can’t help but feel the tiniest bit amused at the expression on his face as the boy bolted.  She turns on her heel and exits as Stephen opens a portal to the penthouse.

---

Carol steels her resolve as she heads down the hallway towards Tony’s office.  These interruptions and interjections cannot be allowed to continue.  Amongst the Avengers it’s an annoyance, but now Peter is being harrassed  and Carol must take action.  She knows that Dr. Strange has nothing to do with it, that Tony is the one behind the many disruptions, so Tony is who she’s going to dress down.  She reaches his office door and turns the knob.

“Tony, we need to-”

Carol freezes.

Tony is spread over his desk on his back with his shirt ripped open, head hanging down so she can see the blush on his cheeks.  His eyes are screwed shut and he is huffing out little breaths.  He’s covered in a light sheen of sweat and he looks utterly wrecked.  Strange jerks from the other side of the desk, his hands gripping Tony’s hips tightly, eyes closed in concentration or ecstacy, Carol can’t quite tell nor does she want to.

Carol has never appreciated the necessity of knocking as much as she does in this moment.

A loud cry interrupts her mortification and she turns and flees, not remembering whether or not she closed the door behind her.

She nearly collides with Rhodey a few meters down the hall, still bright red.

“Mmm, Stephen!”

Rhodey frowns.  “Tony still won’t change Strange’s ringtone?”

Carol manages to flush even deeper and squeaks “S-Something like that!”  She speeds down the hall away from Rhodey, who shakes his head in exasperation and continues in the opposite direction.

He reaches the cracked door of Tony’s office and pushes the door open, about to scold Tony Stank for embarrassing Stephen and ignoring Carol.  The door is abruptly jerked closed and Rhodey quickly heads in the direction Carol went muttering curses at Tony Stank.

Back in his office, Tony and Stephen have not slowed down in the slightest.  Tony is gripping the edge of desk for dear life while Stephen rails into him.  Tony is past the point of caring about keeping quiet and lets out a low stream of curses scattered with the sorcerer’s name.

Stephen groans and shifts his hips slightly finding Tony’s hot spot.  Tony throws his head back hard enough to hit the desk.  Stephen moves a hand from Tony’s hip to grasp his erection, rubbing his thumb along the slit.  Three twisting strokes later, Tony is undone.  His legs tighten around Stephen’s waist and he comes with a loud cry covering his stomach and chest with his seed.  Stephen is not far behind him, coming with a strangled cry, eyes popping open to look at Tony.

Stephen drops forward onto Tony’s chest, huffing at the feel of Tony’s spend on his exposed skin.  Tony brings his head up and tangles his fingers in Stephen’s hair.

Stephen pulls Tony off the desk and falls backwards into Tony’s chair, ending up with a lapful of sated mechanic.

“They still giving you shit about your phone?”  Tony asks with a sly grin.

Stephen rolls his eyes and kisses Tony to shut him up.  The genius knows perfectly well how the Avengers feel as Tony gleefully has FRIDAY send him the more amusing reactions.

“At least they’ll just think it’s your phone when we sneak off in here.” Tony quips.

“I hate to disappoint you babe, but both Carol and James barged in here not 10 minutes ago.  I think we’ve scarred them.” Stephen nuzzles into Tony’s neck breathing in his scent.

Tony shrugs, “Well, that’s one way to guarantee knocking in the future.”

Soon after there are no more lascivious interruptions from Stephen’s phone.  Tony’s office door also now sports an unnecessarily large  ‘Knock, please!’ sign in hot-rod red.  It doesn’t seem to be necessary as no one approaches that hallway anymore unless it is absolutely vital.