#Y’all are silly I only work 48 hours in a week

[skyloftian-nutcase]

Lofty feeling down!

Not on my watch >:0

i'll remind you that you're writing was so good that you're the first person I've drawn fanart for you wonderful (and overworked) beloved friendo.

Hahaha oh my goodness, Nancy you’re such a treasure <3 <3 <3

[kerwritesthings]

South Of The Equator

Summary: Gestures of love are woven in the fabric of relationships, especially ones built around the priority of your love

Word Count: literally juuuuust shy of 5.8k

Warning: pining, love and fluff

Author Notes: Muse fell in love with this photo last week when Bre threw it out onto my dash, spit out stupid notes at midnight that night for it along with about 350ish words and then didn’t touch it until again yesterday evening where I proceeded to crank out about 5.8k in less than 24 hours. Oops?

This falls well later into the verse, like the latest I’ve taken it thus far. It just felt right to bring this into that part of the timeline with the premise and where the muse was taking this. Can be read as a standalone but diving into the verse and the masterlist would give a little bit more understanding.

It was not in the plans. Whatsoever. A whim. A lot of longing. A lot of missing connections. A lot of feeling that this was a sync you just wouldn’t be able to get. That scares the both of you, more than either of you will let on especially to the other. You both promise that this would be the longest stretch on this very last swing – something like 48 or 50 days depending on travel for both of you, that a somewhere between 12 and 14-hour plane ride at best for a long weekend made no sense. You’re in Bucharest when he starts the swing in Mexico. What was thought to be a few days off for him to come home to see you between the last Mexico show and the venture further south becomes non-existent, with surprise pop up concerts in both Costa Rica and Panama along with hoopla surrounding them on either side that the label drops last minute. You initially think you’d be able to make the last shows, but there was a potential work trip to Hong Kong hanging over your head, so you both agree not book anything.

Well, love makes you do some stupid and irresponsibly crazy things. When the Asia client pushes their timeline back, things change completely. Which is why you find yourself on the phone, trying to make arrangements while juggling 7 open browser tabs on your laptop at nearly 1am. This is what you do for each other. It’s been established. It’s been done for each other on numerous occasions throughout your relationship. But it’s never been something like this. This grand and involved.

“Up for a bit of a challenge?” you start. “What’s the actual schedule like between Buenos and Rio and Santiago?”

“Flip it around. Chile first. Then Buenos then Sao Paulo. Finish off in Rio,” Beatriz laughs. “Don’t book the wrong flight. Cause. This is where it’s going isn’t it? This bugger is so lucky to have you. He best appreciate this. He’s been whiny. More to Cez then me. Andrew too, but he trusts Cez more when it comes to you.”

“He’s not the only one,” you sigh. “Dee’s taken to sending me videos and photos of Tali every day before I call to bitch to her to try to ease my tension. We’ve done longer, when we first got together. This one though. We’re just not taking it well, either of us. It feels off. He can’t come to me, so I have to go to him.”

“There’s doubles now in Santiago, not just in Buenos and Rio. Only the one in Sao Paulo. Days off scattered through, but definitely some between the city jumps. Are you really going to try to do just a weekend down here?” she asks.

“Work remote if I can swing it. Then bank out on some time off. I’m due after the extra hours to lock in the Danish project and the haul to Bucharest for basically a 48-hour lookie loo from them with no commitments. Boss lady is great as long as my work gets done and I don’t pull the ask for ‘but my famous boyfriend’ very often, if at all,” you explain, poking away at the keys of your laptop.

“Ooh Denmark, so you going to get out for that one?” Beatriz questions. “Do you have a lam for this tour? Should we get you another?”

“I think I can, timing looks ok and I may be able to drag Shawn with me for once since it’s after all this hoopla,” you mutter, poking at Kayak and cursing. “I think I do, snag one just in case if it’s not too much trouble. It looks like Air Canada has a direct from Pearson to Santiago at 11 hours of flight time and an overnight red-eye. Bless it. No layovers. Less chance for him to even let on. Y’all can sneak me in on the flights between yeah?”

“Shawn is gonna shit you know this right?” she laughs. “I heard about your surprises you both have pulled on each other before, but this is something else. Duh girl, yes of course. He’d have you sit on his lap the whole flight if he had to, but we definitely have the room. Give me the flight info. I’ll make Cez book it. Do not even think about clicking that buy button that I know you’re hovering over.”

“Bea...” you begin.

“No, not hearing it. Cez blocked out travel budget for him to go home and you know that didn’t happen, so your flight there and then back with him at the end it is instead,” Beatriz interjects. “I’ll loop in C for sure. Maybe Andrew. Less folks who know the better, we need to keep this on lock down.”

“Beatriz, you’re the best. I owe you big time. I’m so glad you’re on this rag tag motley crew,” you thank her. “Let Cez know if he needs anything when he’s booking, if they don’t have it saved to just let me know.”

“Bottle of Bulleit and you finally spill the recipe for those kitchen sink bars the boys are always raving about and inhaling, we’ll call it even,” she deadpans. “But no really, I’m glad to help. As much as I tease that boy of yours, I’ve got a soft spot for him. We need to figure an epic reveal. It’s late. I’ll fire off a text to Cez and we’ll be on it tomorrow. Off with you. Night!”

You have a week between that call and your flight down to get all your things in order luckily. Work is understanding and accommodating, your boss practically sending out the out of office email for you after she hears your plans. He meanwhile has a few shows in Ecuador, Peru and Bolivia ahead of him within that same time frame.

“There’s that face I adore,” you smile through FaceTime as you’re tucked in bed, two nights before you’re due to leave. “Hi you. How was the show? Where are you now?”

“Just out of the shower in the hotel and about to fall face first into bed, but I needed a dose of my pretty girl before I do,” he exhales, running a hand though his mess of wet curls. “Good, crowds down here are something else. Beyond the first time I swung through, on the last tour. And them singing back in perfect English still breaks my brain a little. Tired though. Looking forward to the break. Day break here, then like a half one off in Santiago before the last few shows. It’s so crazy to think we’re there already.”

“I can’t believe it’s almost over,” you murmur. “You did it baby, an entire circle of the globe. I’m beyond proud of you.”

“As much as I love this, I’m ready for just me, you and our bed. At least for a week straight, if not a few of them,” he chuckles. “Remind me of how tired I am now when I start to say I’m twitchy or bored, ok?”

“If you say so,” you say sleepily. “Just remember, I get to drag you with me on some my work trips next. Denmark for sure. Hong Kong perhaps since that’s still a moving target. Maybe Prague. Wanna be a silly romantic tourist with you for a bit. Just me and you”

“Always me and you, sweetheart. Go get some sleep. You’ve got work in the morning,” he whispers. “We can talk more tomorrow, promise.”

“You sure?” you fight back a yawn, eyes starting to flutter. “Can you sing to me though? Please? I miss you. Be like you’re here.”

He starts humming at first, the eases into a slowed down, Shawn-esque version of Sam Smith’s Latch. You want to stay awake to hear the whole thing, but he sounds like he’s there singing it right into your ear while he’s got your back against his chest. It’s so pretty, easy and dream like that you drift off in moments. He watches you for a few minutes after he finishes the song, making sure you’re truly asleep. Plus, he just wants to feel like he’s next to you in bed.

“Goodnight and sleep well, baby,” he whispers before disconnecting from FaceTime, a small smile slipping across his lips.

“He still has no clue by the way, so you’ve done a bang-up job,” Cez explains as he rings you while you’re in the car on the way to Pearson. “You’re still running on time from what we checked so you’re good. We’ve got everything square. Bea will come snag you from the airport, you’ll have time to hit the hotel, she’ll have the extra room key for you so you can get some actual rest and then get ready. Figure we’ll grab you while he’s doing Q&A. Do you want to surprise him before the show? After?”

“During?” you laugh, leaning your head back against the headrest as the car makes its way down the 401. “Maximum effect. Con would be on my side too you know, epic footage.”

“Of course, you do,” he retorts. “I should have known. Don’t forget, I’m on your side too. I’m glad this worked. I know it’s been a long stretch. For the both of you. I’ve seen it wear on him, but he’s put up a good front minus a few nights where he ends up with me until he needs to get to sleep, just needing someone who understands to talk to.”

“I’m glad he has you, that we both have you. You are a gift, Cez, really,” you reply as the car slows to ease up to the terminal. “I’m just about to hop out. I’ll text you and Bea when I land in the morning, customs will probably take a bit to get through. Thank you again.”

“Fly safe, dear. Try to get some rest and we’ll see you tomorrow,” he responds.

Check in was easy, of course they went above and beyond on the flight. You text Cez and Bea a photo of a cookie from the lounge with your ticket telling them they did not need to and thanking them. Cez responds first.

Again, you know if he found out we flew you like in row 24 on a flight that long, he would pitch a fit. I’m not up for a Shawn fit this late into the last of the last legs of tour. Enjoy the space and the lay flat. Sunshine and that boy awaits you.

Beatriz chimes in next.

Label owes you and the pain in the arse, so enjoy it! Have one for me. I’ll be there for you tomorrow with bells on and a tea in hand. Cannot wait for this – so epic. You two are nauseatingly adorbs.

The flight wasn’t crowded thankfully and the room to stretch fully is a welcome bonus. You are able to wind down a lot easier than expected and get a decent amount of sleep especially given it was on a flight, lay flat or not. Despite an extra circle, you land only a few minutes past your initial arrival time, make it through customs quickly and thankfully your luggage is waiting for you once you’re done.

“There she is,” Beatriz calls out as you head out to the open concourse. “And in one piece too with all your bits and bobbles. Good, the boss won’t be angry. And as promised, your tea!”

“Which one?” you chuckle, snagging the iced chai before hugging her.

“I can handle Cez, your man though,” she rolls her eyes as you walk out to the sprinter van. “He tried you last night when we were coming back from dinner, couldn’t get through even though we all told him it was late. He got all sad puppy. You were just about taking off, so it made sense. If he only knew what today is bringing him. I’ll drop you at the hotel, sleep, shower, eat, do whatever. I’ll be round to grab you about 4.”

As soon as you step into his room, you are overwhelmed just by the sheer sense of being back in his space again, despite him not even being there at the moment. You drop your suitcase, strip and crawl immediately into his still unmade bed to surround yourself in the smell of him. Setting your alarm before you drift off, you curl yourself around his pillow and exhale. Only a few more hours and you’ll be able to wrap your arms around him instead of a goose down that carries whiffs of his scent. A deep breath, an inhale you hold just for a moment before letting it go carefully and you’re drifting away.

You wake shortly before the alarm and to a couple texts from Shawn.

Miss you pretty girl. Almost there.

FaceTime after the show tonight? Even just for a few, I can tuck you in from here again like the other night.

Saw this on the drive over before, couldn’t help but think of you.

It was a slightly angled photo out the car window, but it was of a park with a fountain surrounded by high bushes littered with flowers.

I wish I could press you into those blooms and kiss you. Would make such a pretty picture. Love you baby.

You will yourself not to cry. That sweet, sentimental boy of yours. You’ll have time, you need to make that happen tomorrow.

I miss you sweetheart, so much. Yes to tonight, I’d love a tuck in from you. We’re so close. Love you <3

A shower, some primping and a good battle with both your blow dryer and your travel steamer later, you’re finally ready to head out.

“He’s a lucky bastard this one,” Beatriz whistles before handing over your new credential as you slide the van door closed behind you. “Don’t you have any sisters you can send my way? Cousins?”

“Sorry Bea, only child,” you laugh, as the van pulls away. “Cousins are stateside and not your type.”

“He was happy to hear from you before. Stopped in the middle of sound check to look at his phone. Got all stupid smiley and googly eyed,” she rolls her eyes. “He’s so gone on you if it wasn’t so bloody sweet to see him so gushy, it would make me ill.”

“Just wait ‘till later. I should apologize now,” you explain.

“Why there’s no plans for post-show, dearie. We knew better,” she giggles. “Shawn’s not going to want to share.”

You can’t help but smile as you pass the park he sent you the photo of earlier, it’s prettier than his shot let on. You definitely have to go there tomorrow. From that point, it’s a windy way through the streets of Santiago to the arena.

“He should just be wrapping up,” Beatriz prattles, looking at her watch as you make your way through the bowels of the building. “Which is good, I can sneak you into Cez’s room without him sniffing about. You, he, Jake and Con still need to hash everything out yeah?”

“Kind of. It’s the fine tuning of details at this point,” you say, flipping the pass around in your hands before slipping it around your neck as you walk, still not fully grasping you’re going to see him as soon as you are. “It’s a matter of where to go in the pit during his walk up to stage where I won’t be spotted too easily, but also not be in the way of everything either. I think it’ll work, totally up to Jake though. Worse case, we’ll do it just before rally or he hits the stage. Better visuals, and Con will agree with me, but it’s Jake and Cez who have final call.”

“It’s brilliant, all of it. However, here is where I leave you for now,” Beatriz nudges you through the door into Cez’s makeshift office for the next two days. “Need to make sure the sound techs have everything. Fridge is stocked, so steal what you need. He should be back in a few. They’re due to be walking your man now. His room isn’t far, so stay put. I’ll let C know you’re here. Toodles!”

Shortly after you settle in on the couch, engrossing yourself in your inbox, you feel someone settle down next to you.

“Thank god you’re here, I cannot do the sad Shawn shit anymore,” Connor sighs, throwing an arm around your shoulder. “I love him like a brother but damn, this go has been a beast when he’s feeling it like that.”

“Hi Connor, I’ve missed you too Connor, it’s good to see you Connor,” you roll your eyes, pushing his arm off you with a poke.

“Yeah yeah, all that too,” he smiles, sliding his arm back into place and kissing your cheek. “It’s good to have you here, all that aside. Despite all that, missed you around these parts.”

“Considering Central America took away our long weekend together, with no warning. It’s just been a hard go this swing. For both of us. May just be the wear and tear of a tour this long finally hitting. Even with as much as we’ve made it a priority to stay more connected and grounded. You guys are lucky it’s the end and it didn’t happen in like the middle of Europe, or the US leg. Though that would have been easier to get to than an almost 11-hour flight,” you fight out.

“You’re too good for him you know?” he teases. “Remember, he has friends if you ever need to bail.”

“Not any of y’all that’s for sure. No way. And, it’s the other way around, Con,” you reply, poking at his knee. “So, you’ve seen the setup, what’s going to make the most sense?”

“We’re going to do whatever you want, missus,” Jake chimes in as the door shuts behind him and Cez. “Only thing I require is a hug.”

“I think that can be arranged,” you say happily, ducking around Connor to get to Jake. “Con, stop being in the way.”

“Thank you,” you murmur to Jake as he pulls you into an embrace.

“We should be thanking you,” he whispers hugging you tightly. “And seriously. We’ll make it all happen. Kid needs this as much as you do.”

You pull away, smiling. “Ok guys so here’s what I’m thinking. Let’s surprise him on the walk out.”

The details come together quickly as well as easily. You’re happy, the team is comfortable with it all. It also helps he’s not expecting a thing. Everyone’s on board.

“So,” Cez begins, rolling a bottle of water around in his hands as everyone else filters out. “Hop a flight on a whim in the states or Canada is one thing. Cross the pond, a little more effort, but doable. This is something else entirely, even for the two of you.”

“I don’t know why this one is so different; I wish I knew; believe me I do. It would have saved me an 11-hour flight,” you utter. “It’s not like we’ve not done it before. We got through this, worse even, when he went out on last leg of the last tour and I had no leverage to take time off to come out other than that last show. We were only together a little bit at that point.”

Cez smiles his all-knowing smile, looking down at your hands playing with your credential. “I think you do, somewhere in there. I think he does too, well I know he does.”

“What are you talking about?” you ask inquisitively. “We’re good, really good. Minus this blip and it’s just us being a little more emotionally wound together. More in the groove than we’ve ever been. It’s been great, actually.”

He smiles yet again, making you wonder even more, and picks up his hand pointing to a certain finger.

“No,” you shake your head.

He nods, still smiling. “You’re practically there already.  We were honestly all surprised it didn’t happen before tour, or at break. Especially after Japan. I knew though not the holidays, it’s too cliché and not him, or you. He’s asked me a few things, more recently. Won’t give away more than that, but it kind of all makes sense. At least to me.”

“I just. Like. Shit Cez,” you sigh, looking down at the lam in your hands. “We’ve talked about it before, couple times. We want it, both of us. He’s it for me, and vice versa. He knows I’ll say yes. I’ve told him as much. But I’m also not that girl that needs the pretty on her hand to know where we stand in our relationship. He’s also not that overly possessive man who needs to prove he’s got me like that to the world, even in his crazy whirlwind of a life.”

“I think it’s both of you really ready for what’s next and this just all happens to be in the way right now. But, you’re here now, which not only is he going to be over the moon about, the rest of us are pretty happy as well. Not just because he’ll be in better spirits, it’s because we love you just as much too,” he states plainly. “You’re as much a part of this, a part of the family. I’m personally glad you’re here for these last few. This run’s been special, you should be here for the end of it.”

“Do not make me ruin my makeup, damnit,” you half laugh, half bite back a sob. “I’m so glad he has you, not just on the road, but in general. I know how much he loves you. I do, too.”

His phone pings rapidly.

“Ten-minute warning for fetching him. Let’s go get you out and set. Phil’s on you until Jake walks out with Shawn,” he states, reaching for his headset in one hand, for you with his other.

You carefully walk down the back hallway towards the stage together. Jake and Phil meet you at the back corner of the build out. Jake hands you off a fresh pair of earplugs.

“You’re going to need these,” he reminds you. “It’s his usual walk, so he won’t expect a thing. Especially seeing Phil at that junction of the barricade, once Phil gets the signal from me that we’re going, he’ll shift behind you so Shawn can spot you.”

You throw him a thumbs up as you wedge the plugs into place. Phil takes your arm in his, his other hand patting your forearm.

“Let’s go surprise him,” he says, leading you out to the pit.

For some reason, probably your conversation with Cez if you’re being honest with yourself, has your stomach set off with butterflies. You’ve not been like this since the early days of your relationship. Excited, always. Happy, without a doubt. Nervous though? No. You try to not shift about, instead closing your eyes to take in the moment. The crowd is loud, you can smell the remnants of the smoke machine test earlier lingering in the air.

Phil taps your shoulder, sliding you into place in front of him.

“He’s walking,” he mouths with a wink.

The house lights come down and the stage lights start to just warm. You exhale and lean back onto Phil slightly, whose hands come to rest comfortably on your shoulders. The opening video starts to roll and the lights hit the pit walk so you know you’ve got about 30 seconds at best before he comes into view. Phil pushes you forward just a touch just as you spot Jake and Shawn with Connor shuffling just behind to get the right angle for the surprise.

He’s in his pre-show zone, not taking in much around him. Jake nudges him though and his eyes shoot up. Shawn looks over towards you, taking a moment for things to register, and when it does his smile is as bright as you’ve seen. His eyes grow wide, he turns to Jake, who nods with a grin and then Shawn takes off in a sprint.

“Surprise!” you try to scream, but he’s already got you in his hold lifting you to swing you around.

“Tell me I’m not dreaming, please,” he utters in your ear before pulling you closer, finally getting you back on your feet.

You slide your hands from his shoulders, one to the nape of his neck fingering the wispy curls there, the other to nudge his one in-ear out.

“Not a dream, baby. Very much here, very much real. You got me for the rest of the run, love,” you say directly into his ear. “Go be my Rockstar. I’ll watch side stage, be there waiting for you after the show.”

You pop his in-ear back into place then cup his cheek, watching his eyes roll back slightly.

“I love you so damn much,” he yells before kissing you soundly. “I am so lucky you’re mine.”

Shawn rubs his nose against yours before sneaking in another kiss, then runs up to the stage with Jake on his heels. Jake winks as he passes, throwing a double thumbs up before Phil takes you towards the back staircase so you can set up on the rolling case you know is waiting for you.

The show is electric as always, but he’s got a special energy tonight. You can’t help but feel a bit happy as to probably being the reason why. He’s smiling, sweaty and disheveled, running back towards you in the break before the encore.

“You’re a mess,” you quip with a smile, handing him a bottle of water and a towel.

“Never minded that before,” he retorts back, running a hand through the mess of his hair after wiping his face down with the towel.

“Not the place Shawn Peter,” you say, shooing him away. “Go finish, I’m not going anywhere.”

He drops the water bottle down on the case next to you, stealing another kiss before bopping his way back out.

You hop off the case and head out towards the curtain line to get a better view. His encore covers have been something else this tour. He’s been leaning hard into Tom Petty’s Free Fallin’ and it’s a stunner, especially just him and the piano.

“I had a surprise tonight delivered to me just before the show, a really amazing one actually,” he begins as he settles into playing the piano. “So, if you all don’t mind, I’m going to play something a little special before I get into my last two songs.”

Once he hits the first few chords, your jaw drops immediately.

“You lift my heart up when the rest of me is down. You, you enchant me, even when you're not around. If there are boundaries, I will try to knock them down. I'm latching on babe now I know what I have found,” he sings and you can’t help but inch closer to the edge as far as you can go without being spotted or seen. “I feel we're close enough, I wanna lock in your love. I think we're close enough, could I lock in your love, baby? Now I got you in my space, I won't let go of you. Got you shackled in my embrace; I'm latching on to you.”

You didn’t expect this the other night, so you very much don’t expect it tonight. You can’t do anything but watch him, enamored and amazed. He sounds breathtaking. The whole song just gives you goosebumps, especially in a setting like this. Damn this boy.

“Thanks for indulging me tonight, Santiago,” he says and you can see the flush spreading across his cheeks, even from there. He immediately segues into Free Fallin’ to get his encore moving, before finishing completely with If I Can’t Have You.

He’s got a hold of your hands the moment he’s out of sight of the audience.

“Did you like it?” he asks, dipping his head down to kiss you, feather soft.

“Love it, love you,” you reply, dusting kisses across his knuckles. “Come on, let’s get you back there before they start to think we’re defiling a case on the stage.”

He chuckles, tangling his fingers deeper with yours before leading you towards his dressing room. As you hit the main hallway, most of the band and the crew are waiting there and start whooping and clapping the moment the two of you come into view.

“What the hell?” you question, as he holds your hand tighter trying to make your way down the hall. He shakes his head, cheeks pink as he bites his bottom lip.

“Hold up,” Jake stops you both just before the doorway to his room, arms crossing against his chest and a shit eating grin spread across his face. “Believe you owe this lady a thank you.”

“Hello, the song, on stage, the encore? In front of the whole damn audience,” he retorts, running his free hand through his curls before tugging you towards him and the door without getting you covered in post-show sweat. “Now I’d like to shower, get the heck out of here so I can spend some time with her. Without an audience.”

You can hear the snickers and wolf whistles, it’s your turn to flush. Jake shakes his head no.

“You know what you assholes, fine,” Shawn sighs before rolling his eyes.

“Don’t even with me kid,” Jake smirks.

“I know what you’re…” he trails off but tugs your hand, so you stand closer to him. “Shit. C’mere baby.”

The next thing you know he’s cupping your neck and kissing the breath straight out of you. Your hands fly up, one gripping his shoulder the other tangling in his hair. He pulls away first, just as breathless as you’re feeling.

“You all happy now? Can I please get into my room?” he asks.

Jake moves aside, patting him on the shoulder. He snatches your hand and tugs you into the room, shutting and locking the door behind you both.

“Do I even want to know?” you say, leaning back against the door as he toes off his boots.

“Grander the gesture, bigger the thank you,” he replies, stripping off his button down next, his tank and jeans follow. “They like to tease, you know this. Especially when you and I start getting the way we do. It’s all in good fun, but not when you pull the most epic surprise and I’ve run through a whole damn show. I haven’t seen you in how long and I still haven’t really held you or loved on you the way I want to.”

“Then you best go shower, sweetheart,” you tease. “You know feeling is mutual.”

He darts over to kiss you again, “Be right back.”

He’s quick, which you appreciate, and even more that he’s just in a pair of threadbare, low slung navy sweats when he heads back out to you. He drops the towel in his hand to snag yours, pulling you towards the couch. He flops down first and pulls you immediately down on top of him. He kisses your forehead before scooting you down so your head can rest comfortably on his shoulder. He smells fresh, clean, warm, like him and like home.

“Hi baby,” he murmurs against your lips before kissing you slowly and thoroughly. “Fuck, how I missed you. I can’t believe you’re here. I’m so damn happy that you’re here. You’re amazing you know that? How did you pull this off?”

“Once Hong Kong pushed timeline, I had a little wiggle room, but I wouldn’t be sure until Denmark signed off,” you explain, finger carefully tracing back and forth against his collarbone and shoulder. “I didn’t want to get either of our hopes up, so I didn’t say anything. Then like a week and a half ago? That night we just couldn’t get timing together I think you were in Panama still. I was up and cranky at stupid o’clock, said screw it. I knew I had some comp time due, had a little vacation time left, plus after Bucharest debacle on their part, they kind of owe me to boot. Called Bea, looped in Cez and voila.”

“You’re making it harder to even come remotely close to do for you what you do for me,” he presses his lips against your hair. “I’m so grateful for you.”

“There’s not a tally, sweetheart. We do for each other, you know this,” you remind him. “You and me, always right?”

There’s a knock on the door and jingling of keys, you go to move but Shawn holds you to him.

“Just gonna be C, we’re not doing anything. You stay put,” he wraps his arms around your waist and nuzzles your ear.  

“Sorry kids, time to get a move on,” Cez calls out from the doorway. “Can I come in? Are you at least PG?”

“It’s cuddling man, that’s all,” Shawn barks out with a laugh as you bury your head into his neck.

“You’ve got about 10 minutes to get yourselves together before the sprinter gets here,” he reminds you both. “We’ve got a curfew in the building overall, so we can’t be late on this one.”

“I’ll make sure he’s ready,” you reply, trying to wiggle out of his hold. “Let’s go, you. Need to get your stuff together. Can’t be late.”

“Listen to your girl, Shawn,” Cez remarks. “She’s right. Plus, you’ll be free of us and interruptions once you’re back at the hotel. Late call tomorrow since we’re already set here. I’m leaving the door unlocked and open so no funny bunny ok?”

“Thanks, Cez. See you in a few,” you say, trying to nudge at Shawn.

“You know that means we can go to that park in the morning,” you whisper, kissing his chin once Cez is back out in the hallway. “Upsy daisy dear.”

He sighs dramatically, but with a smile, “Only if you promise a little morning love, breakfast in bed and that park in the morning.”

“You drive such a hard bargain,” you giggle. “It’s a deal.”

He kisses you quickly and loudly before sitting up with you still in his hold, “I can’t wait to get you alone alone tonight.”

“Which would be sooner if you got a move on,” you roll your eyes, poking at his chest while his hands palm you ass.

He stops for a moment though, looks at you softly while not taking his eyes off of you.

“Love you pretty girl,” he declares, hand pushing stray strands of your hair away from your cheek, before holding it in his palm.

“Love you too, Shawn.”  

[hazard-and-friends]

Month 11

What the fuck. Holy hell buddy.

The focus here will be catching us up with the missed months and then next month I’ll do a 1 year retrospective.

The last time I posted one of these was January 9th. In late February, we moved from FL to WA; at the end of the month we moved into a new, one bedroom apartment. In mid-March I started a part time job which I adore (running puppy camp at a R+ facility! in the next few weeks I’ll start teaching swims and puppy play groups!). So first we did a massive amount of prep for the move, and then we did even more prep for post-move things like “meeting my family” and “oh shit there’s hills now” and in between the two we’ve made huge strides on the cat thing.

The details!

Night time: We have completely stopped putting him in the crate at night. There were two reasons for crating to begin with: 1) We didn’t know where Penny wanted to sleep and didn’t trust them when we were asleep and 2) to create good sleepy associations prior to the plane flight. #2 is no longer relevant and a) Penny wants to sleep Up or in the bed and b) Hazard laaaaargely doesn’t care about her once the lights go off. So he sleeps on the floor, after a VERY exciting 4 nights at the airbnb where he got to sleep in the people bed with the people (Penny slept on top of the catinets cabinets).

Crate in general: I spent 2 months working on the plastic crate not being the actual devil, and he did end up being happy in it. But he’s regressed to thinking that crates in general are prison spaces due to the plane flight, so it’s all to the good that he doesn’t have to go in at all anymore. Regular crate training (for trials) is on the task list.

Medications: He was on trazodone through late March. For the flight itself, I started him on gabapentin (100 mg 3x daily) 24 hours before the flight, and gave him a double dose when we left the apartment. All of this was cleared with his vet first, consult with your own etc. No side effects and the gabapentin definitely helped--but he was still upset at takeoff and landing. One of the reasons I wanted him to see a vet in March was to switch off trazodone and onto something actually validated in separation anxiety. He’s now on Reconcile, 24 mg once a day. At 2 weeks in: No lasting side effects (the first 48 hours were a little weird), and overall anxiety is decreasing.

Anxiety in general: IT’S BEEN A FUN TIME Y’ALL. Because trazodone and prozac (Reconcile) both affect serotonin, he had to come off trazodone for 4-5 days before starting Reconcile. Which confirmed a bunch of things:

Trazodone wasn’t doing very much at all. 90% of the time he was unchanged.

He is WAY more anxious on car rides than anyone realized. Once off trazodone, he started whining continuously on the way out--the way back is fine, either because he’s exhausted, he knows we’re going home, or we’ve already been to the superfunexcitingplace.

Trazodone wasn’t doing SHIT for his separation anxiety, which was unchanged.

He was only slightly more reactive to the cat and no more reactive to strangers. Cool.

Now that we’re 2 weeks into Reconcile: Starting to see big improvements in separation anxiety (more on that later) and cat tolerance is back to baseline (ditto). Car rides are still chatty but rapidly improving. No side effects, still playful and happy and silly.

Separation anxiety: Over a month, we achingly worked our way up to 90 seconds of me gone, or 30 seconds of me gone if I had done one preparing-to-leave thing. And even that was unreliable. That’s not right, guys. That’s the big reason we switched medications. Because keep in mind that all of this is while Jo was in the room with him. Yesterday I left to run errands with no prep and he just watched. I love Reconcile. It took about 5 minutes for him to settle down, but still. Plan is to bust ass and get to 15 minutes with no pre-departure cues and then add them back in.

Cat: Two steps forward one step sideways. While he chases her every other day or so, there are no gates in the new apartment. Sometimes we close the door to the bedroom so Penny can be unmolested, but often she’s the one who wants out, and she’s finding more and more places to chill. Moooost nights Hazard gets tied (harness to longline to my desk) but that’s more so that we don’t have to be constantly watching. At night there’s sometimes scuffles, but those end with Penny wherever she wanted to be and Hazard under the bed.

Weight: Vet had him at 44 lbs but he hadn’t pooped that day. He’s now on diet Hills SD, 1.5 cups, but he also gets around 100 pieces of treats a day so that’s surely impacting things. He’s looking better and better though--nice thigh muscles.

Formal training: I have completely jumped the shark and started teaching rally cues. As soon as the budget balances I want to get back to doing rally with Sydney’s trainer, and he’s picking up the basics really fast. Also, recall?? Is coming along fabulously?? Amazing. Love it when I don’t have to do anything.

I jest, I did a lot. We did a bowl game where I put him in a wait, put food in his bowl, then went to the other side of the room and called him. He had to come to me before going to the food, and that really helped recall click in a way that other games hadn’t.

Handling: After 11 months I admitted defeat and took him to the vet for nails. The vet tech’s verdict is that he sang at her but she got them done in 5 minutes so hey. We’re going back to the very basics and doing it to enthusiasm, not compliance, this time. Sigh.

Good note: I did teach him a chin rest and he now LOVES offering it. Amazing. Love him so much.

Stranger danger: the BIGGEST progress. In the last month he’s met both my parents, my grandparents, one of my siblings, and a friend. 6 people, 3 genders, aged 19-77, and a whole array of builds and heights. They’re all white but you can’t have everything. A growing theme is he’s much better in novel environments than in his home base, so probably we’ll be meeting people outside and then walking them in. But still, seeing huge improvements in his willingness to associate with strange humans and let them touch him.

Walks: 40 min morning/20 min evening, except for once a week when it’s a 50-60 min hike or sometimes we rent the field at my work... It’s hard to be a dog ;) Fitness is less his problem on walks than focus for that long, so the hike is actually easier for him than 40 min along a 35mph road. Still, we’re getting lots of nice perky behavior out and about.

[nikidanger]

Why do Ain’t Shit Niggas™ like to pretend that they’re decent human beings in order to try to get with you?

A few months ago I went on a date with a producer I collaborated with a few times last year... Long story short he was on his Instagram story pouting bout “Why do women always say they want a good man, who treats her right & is handy, but then a faithful nigga who can literally build her a house like me is still single?” — I was like, *Sir, you’re literally one of the only men I’ve worked with who hasn’t tried to hit on me yet. Literally THEE most respectful. I thought you were MARRIED* & he was like “Nah, I just thought you were too good to be single, so I kept it professional, but what’s up tho?” LMFAO

So we start texting for a week or so & ended up going out on a really nice date. He took me on his motorcycle to watch the sunset @ the beach, then a nice restaurant, & then back to the studio where we ended up staying up til like 2am talking about music & silly shit like aliens & existentialism, bla bla bla.

Then literally like 48 hours later nigga’s posting stories grabbing some other chicks ass while STILL trying to text & entertain me.

No thank you boo.

I promise y’all: women would rather you be up front than for you to pretend you aren’t in the situations you’re in because you’re a dumbass. Lol.

If you’re just tryna fuck. Say that.

Don’t act like you want a relationship when you don’t cos you look hella childish. There’s way too many people who are down for open/polyamprous/situationships nowadays to not be straight forward.

If you ARE straight up, and a bitch still gets her feelings hurt somehow, THAT’S NOT ON YOU!

It’s mad simple.

[rainydawgradioblog]

a covidsation with yufi

Next up in this interview series is Yufi, local plur-core/EDM band. They just released their self-titled album, which is available on Bandcamp and Spotify. Check em out !! Dance to them in yr bedroom !!

Lola Gil: Tell me about your band. How long have y’all been playing together? How would you describe your sound?

Todd Maegerle: I usually describe Yufi as “plur-core”, but apparently that’s not very descriptive lol. Most people would describe the album we just released as a mix of screamo and y2k throwback electronic/trance/digital hardcore/drum and bass. Yufi has been a project for about three years, but has gone through some pretty significant transformations (started as a math rock project lol).

LG: As an artist, how have you been affected by COVID-19? How was your most recent tour affected?

TM: We had planned a tour that would send us down the west coast, over to Austin, TX for SXSW, then up through Santa Fe, Denver, SLC, etc. back to Seattle. We planned the tour to start on Wednesday, March 11th. Those first couple weeks of March seemed to be when the whole COVID-19 thing really picked up. Two days before our tour was supposed to start, we made the decision to cancel all except the west coast leg. It was a really hard decision to make because we had already exchanged hundreds of messages/emails to artists, venues, showcases for SXSW, etc to make what was looking like a super fun tour. At that point in early March, there were so many unknowns. “Is the COVID-19 panic going to die down in the next week or so?” was a tough question to answer at that exact moment (which seems really silly now lol).

The west coast leg of the tour was super fun, but it was also an apocalypse tour haha. Shows we were really looking forward to playing were getting cancelled while we were driving to that city to play. Attendance was fairly bleak with only a couple exceptions. I think the last show of the tour had something like 80 tickets sold in advance and maybe 10 non-artists actually showed up. We were playing a warehouse in downtown LA, and when we showed up the city was an absolute ghost town. It was surreal. All-in-all it ended up being a really fun west coast run, but also was maybe one of the worst times to start a tour haha.

LG: Is Yufi planning on putting out new merch or music soon?

TM: Quarantine is great for writing new music! I could see it being pretty hard for more traditional bands who get everyone in a room and jam-out a new track, but Yufi has become computer music for the most part, so we kinda just have more free time to work on stuff. But also, I personally get a lot of inspiration to write music by attending shows. When I see a performer I really like, I’ll get really motivated and inspired to work on new stuff. So that’s been happening less since all shows are cancelled :^{

LG: How have you been personally affected by COVID? What has your quarantine experience been so far?

TM: I’m pretty extroverted, so being unable to go out and interact with friends has been hard. Fortunately I live with five really super homies; quarantine would be a lot harder for me if I didn’t have anyone to goof around with in-real-life. Still, I really miss going out and dancing and meeting people and all that. The online music festivals have been fun, but experiencing them through Second Life/IMVU/Minecraft/etc is not quite substitutable for actual live music.

LG: What music have you been listening to recently? What has been your go-to quarantine album?

TM:I’ve honestly almost exclusively been listening to live streams. Like, Charli XCX going live on Grindr’s Instagram to do a DJ set? Yeah I think I’ll tune in. A group/collective/entity called “Hurt-free Network” has been putting on really fun IMVU raves with DJ sets from artists I really like. There’s also a 48+ hour long music festival happening right now called Data Fruits; most of the artists are from the west coast USA or Japan, so when one country is (mostly) asleep the other can take over the stream. So even though I really miss going to shows, it’s been pretty awesome to see how people are still coming together in some form!

LG: Were there any spring shows that you were particularly looking forward to attending that got cancelled?

TM: Yessss ughhhhh way too many :’^{Anamanaguchi, Yves Tumor, 100gecs, Dorian Electra, and a bunch more. Fortunately I saw a couple of them last year, so that eases the pain a little bit. But if I don’t see Ecco2k in 2020 I’m literally going to scream. I’m not gonna make it.

LG: How do you think the Seattle music scene is going to shift post-COVID?

TM: Every musician is going to be a DJ after quarantine and it’s going to be sick. Jokes aside, I think we’re going to need a lot of people to come together to make up for the impact that COVID has made. A lot of venues that are vital to the Seattle music scene are going to have to close doors as a result of the financial hit they’ve taken. I think there will be a lot of artists excited to play shows once it’s safe to, but I’m hoping there will be venues still around to host.

LG: How do you think artists can support each other during these weird and difficult times? 

TM: This is not artist exclusive, but everyone can email their Seattle city council member to enact a rent/mortgage moratorium. That could help lessen the financial burden that COVID has created, which would certainly help artists (and everyone lol).

Aside from that, I feel like I’ve seen a lot of artists supporting each other by listening to and sharing each other’s new releases, tuning into each others live streams, etc. I hope to see more of that in the coming months!

-Lola Gil

[luckystarchild]

48 Hour Film Fest + LC ch. 73 Status Update + July Camp NaNo

OK, so: The next chapter of LC is coming along (chapter 73). Almost totally outlined (everything except the last scene, which I might just save for another chapter anyway) with the first scene finished. It’s likely going to be a long chapter and is mostly an extended action sequence in which NQK gets really, really mad, and I’m having fun with it.

The problem: I have two lunch breaks, two evenings, and till about 3 PM Friday to finish the chapter (I have the day off), which should be enough time in which to get it done by that aforementioned Friday deadline—and I have to get it done by then or else the chapter isn’t happening, because as of last night I’ve been drafted as the screenwriter and script supervisor on a film set this weekend, in conjunction with my city’s 48 Hour Film Festival.

48 Hour Fests are grueling exercises in endurance, patience, and sleep deprivation. To call them “fun” is a bit... inaccurate. But it’s very cool to say you wrote, filmed, edited, and produced a complete short film in a mere 48 hours, and it gives me a writing credit to my name to boot. 

Soooo... wish me luck this week as I try to bang the chapter out in a timely fashion and then proceed to not die and/or tear out my hair while filming a movie. I’ll keep y’all updated as to my progress since chapter 73 is a bit of a nail-biter in terms of finishing by the deadline of 3 PM Friday.

ALSO, Camp NaNo starts in July. I mentioned it a while back but I’ll be doing Camp that moth, too, which means another brief hiatus for the duration of July, and then it’s a long three-month stretch of not-hiatus until November and the regular NaNo season. 

Still haven’t gotten my money refunded, still don’t have a replacement card, but I got paid and can get $$$ from the bank this weekend (I work during bank hours and can’t get there when it’s open weekdays, soooo at this exact moment I can only really buy stuff if they take paypal, which luckily some grocery apps do). Debating a ko-fi account since a bunch of people are saying I’m being silly by not setting one up, but IDK. Thoughts on that still appreciated.

And... I think that’s all the announcements for the time being. Thanks, y’all!

[endlessly-elizabeth]

How do I even begin to tell you about my life when I don’t understand it myself? How do I try to put into words just how much pain I’m in, even though I should have expected it? That’s the thing, though. I had never felt so sure of something in my life.

My life changed that day. It might sound dramatic, but it’s true. It all started on Monday when I was eating dinner with my parents. Casually, my mom asked, “Wasn’t today the day?” I looked at her with a puzzled expression on my face. “What do you mean?” I asked back. “You know…for him to finally commit. I think I remember you telling me something about how you wanted him to ask you by his birthday.” I didn’t know what to say. It was true, I DID want him to ask me by his birthday. If I’m being completely honest, I wanted him to ask me two months prior.

“Well…that was the date, but I extended it until Saturday,” I replied.

“Why would you do that? Don’t be a doormat. Haven’t you already pushed the date back for him?”

I was so mad. So embarrassed. I probably turned three shades pinker in that moment, feeling the blood rush to my cheeks and fill them with color. I don’t remember what I said next, but I know I told my mom that I thought she was being rude. She didn’t think so–she told me that she wasn’t calling me a doormat, she was simply reminding me not to “be” one. As if there’s that much of a difference… she had to have thought at some point that I WAS being a doormat in order for her to even say that to me. He’s always been a sensitive topic of mine. She should’ve known better.

It turned into a small family argument, I’m sure you know the kind. One small comment leads to another one and eventually snowballs into something entirely unrelated to the original topic of conversation. I think it ended up being about my dad not supporting my mom enough, but I stopped paying attention. I went upstairs and got ready to go over to a friend’s house for our Monday (and occasional Tuesday) routine of watching the Bachelor(ette)/Bachelor in Paradise. After I changed, I got in my car and carried my sour mood over there.

It was his birthday and he decided to go to trivia. I told myself I was fine with it because, after all, it was HIS birthday and he could spend it however he’d like to. That’s what birthdays are for, right?! I wasn’t sold on whether or not I actually thought he was going to stop by Amanda’s to see me, so before he had a chance to offer, I made it easy for him. I told him I was in a bad mood and that I was likely going straight home after the finale ended. He didn’t seem to mind, and I’m not going to lie. I was bummed. I thought he’d want to go the extra mile to see me on his birthday because, well, it’s ME….I’m the girl he was seeing. I’m the girl he supposedly cares about. Why wouldn’t you want to spend your birthday with those you love? I get it–I saw him the night before for his family birthday celebration. He said THAT was the celebration that was important to him–the one he wanted me to be apart of. So, I pushed all of my anxieties aside, strapped on a smile, and hung out with his family on Sunday night. I mingled with everyone–parents, siblings, aunts, uncles. I wanted everyone to like me. I needed to feel like they liked me.

I think a majority of them do. I’m always awkward at first when I meet people, until I get comfortable. I knew it would be awhile before I felt completely comfortable because his family life is completely different than mine. He’s one of five kids and both of his parents have even more siblings than that. His family is huge. Kind, loud, big, but welcoming. I would’ve been happy to be part of that, because a large family is always something that I wanted. Mine is so different–my parents are each one of three kids and everyone lives in a different state. We see eachother maybe twice a year. I guess this family was not a fit for me. I guess he wasn’t a fit for me.

He told me his friends got second place at trivia on Monday night, and I congratulated him and didn’t see him. He went home to see his family for the last part of his birthday, which I was equal parts relieved and sad about. I wanted to see him and to be a priority, but I realize I shot all hope of seeing him when I told him I was going straight home. I vented to my friend and she told me that I was being silly. She’s such a logical person and helps calm me down because Lord knows feelings makes me act like a crazy person sometimes. (Side note: if a guy were to ever call me crazy, I would deny it and tell him he’s fucking rude).

I laid on her couch after Bachelor in Paradise ended and we did a faux “therapy” session. We did all of the stereotypical things you think about when you hear of therapy–she had her hair pulled back, threw some glasses on, jotted some notes based off words or phrases that I repeated and kept asking, “And how does that make you feel?” Don’t think I’m knocking this whole therapy thing–I believe in therapy and thinks it’s great if someone sees a therapist or a counselor. Hell, I saw one for part of a year when I was in college and I would 100% argue that I would benefit from one now. I have a lot of emotional baggage–mostly regarding body insecurities and self-worth. 

After our hour or hour and a half-long therapy session, Amanda told me what some of my most repeated words were. Confusing and commitment seemed to be the most prevalent. I WAS confused. Scratch that, I AM confused. I have no idea what has happened within the last 48 hours of my life. Amanda asked me to describe what my life would be like or how I saw my life without him in it. The only comparison I could come up with was–winter. Fall is my favorite season. I love the change of colors with the trees and how vibrant the world is, despite the fact that the leaves are dying. I love the slight chill in the air, the sweaters, and the anticipation of the holidays arriving. There’s Halloween, Thanksgiving, my birthday, and then Christmas is soon after, It’s one of the most thrilling and beautiful times of year, hence why it’s my favorite. I’m also about that #skyporn y’all, and autumn has THE BEST sunsets. 

Then there’s…winter. Me and him not talking is winter. The perpetual grey skies, the blatantly cold air, and the bareness of it all. My life without him is bare. It’s dull. It’s not as inviting. The only glimmers of hope during winter are the Christmas lights, the occasional snow days, and salted caramel hot chocolates at Starbucks. My friends and family are those small glimmers of hope. They are the things that I look forward to about winter, but the rest is bleak. I told her, “Winter is coming.”

I went home and called it a night after that. I hoped and prayed that I would fall asleep quickly and wake up in a much better frame of mind after that fight with my mom. But I didn’t. I still woke up in a mood knowing that the “date” I wanted him to ask me out by was getting uncomfortably close. I calculated it in my head. It went something like, “Okay. He has work and then grad school on Tuesday and Wednesday, so it won’t be one of those days. Thursday is an even number, and he knows that I don’t like them, so he won’t ask then. Fuck…that leaves Friday as being the most logical day for him to do it, but that’s when he’s celebrating his birthday with all of his friends. FUUUUCK.” I checked my phone and saw that I had a message from him wishing me to have a good day even though the weather was bad. Those good morning messages had become a routine of mine over the past couple months. But I still couldn’t shake the mood. I was DYING to not talk to him for a day so he would realize just how important I was to him.

So that’s what I did. I asked him if he’d freak out if I didn’t talk to him much because I was grumpy and felt like I was getting sick. He told me no, and that he was surprised that I even responded to his message. “Why wouldn’t I respond to you?” I always responded to him. It takes a lot of will power to NOT respond to him. He said he wasn’t sure if yesterday was the date or not that I had in mind for him to ask me by. The gears started grinding when he said that. A red flag waved and I was instantly annoyed. Side note: he knew I had a date in mind, but I refused to tell him when it was. That defeated the whole purpose. I wanted him to WANT to do it, and I added a date because it would push him to do it sooner rather than later if it was something that he wanted. I knew it was hard for him to not talk to me, and that would give him a bit of incentive to do so.

I should’ve known right then and there that we had a serious issue. I had jokingly (or not so jokingly) told him that I wanted him to ask me by his birthday. His birthday came and passed on Monday and he still didn’t do it. Dear Eliz, let me repeat that for you: He STILL didn’t do it. He was willing to risk losing me instead of giving me the title. 

I challenged him then. I told him I shouldn’t talk to him purely for that reason, and he countered that he wasn’t sure if I was serious or not about 9/11 being the date because I had previously told him that it wouldn’t make sense for our anniversary to be on his actual birthday. (Okay, so maybe I’m realizing that I’m a little coo-coo and contradictory. The important issue is: I wanted it to be BEFORE then). I confided in him that I had pushed back the date multiple times for him. We were going on vacation during the same week, and wanted to be official by the time we both left. It didn’t happen. I grew annoyed and met up with him in the place we shared our first kiss to give him the “shit or get off the pot” speech about a week after we got back from vacation. He told me that we were, indeed, dating and only seeing one another, but weren’t quite in a relationship. We agreed that would be the next step, and that it was what we both wanted. My original intention of meeting up with him that night was to leave the parking lot in a relationship, or done. But he assuaged me that he was going to ask me, but knew I’d want him to do it in some cutesy way. I let it slide and then I got super excited by all of the endless ways he could officially ask me to be his girlfriend! My girl brain was going CRAZY with scenarios that immediately elicited an “aww” reaction and turned my face into the heart-eye emoji. So I waited, and waited, and guess what, waited! We were averaging seeing eachother two to four times a week, so I figured it would be just a couple days away.

I started to get discouraged, and as I previously mentioned, started feeling insecure. Insecure with myself, and insecure without having that title. I started to question his feelings for me. Maybe, just maybe he was lying to me to keep me around because he’s so dependent on me. Side note: I hate to admit that we are, indeed, *codependent on eachother. Or maybe his feelings for me were getting confused with “just friend” type feelings. Maybe it was our codependence that he valued and cherished so much, rather than me. Or he just wasn’t that attracted to me. Mind you, I know he had some level of attraction to me because it’s not like you want to get someone who is sore on the eyes naked. I just feared that he was comparing me to his ex-girlfriend because she is extremely attractive and has a very petite frame that, perhaps, he liked more than my curvy frame. 

I was irritated and told him that he should just have fun at the beach with his friends (he had many many weekend trips planned from the get-go), and maybe the time apart would help me get a grip on things. Instead, he said he needed to see me. He didn’t want to leave for four days without us having talked things out and putting the issues to bed. I’m not sure I had ever seen him so tender before. We met up in the parking lot of the restaurant where we went on one single date three years ago. My girl brain thought he would’ve gone into the Harris Teeter a couple feet away, pick up sunflowers, and ask me then and there. It didn’t happen that way, We hugged as soon as we saw eachother and it was one of those “please don’t ever let go” type hugs. We clung onto eachother and held hands to the grocery store where we picked out a couple things for his trip, and then went to Chick-fil-A for late-night food. We parked in the lot (Holy hell I’m noticing just how often we’re in parking lots together), and got down to business. Not the fun kind of business, but the “we need to talk” kind of business. He opened up to me so much that night in a way I hadn’t seen in months. We talked about his ex-girlfriend and how bad they were for eachother and together. We talked about my body/attractiveness insecurities. We talked about our feelings and a future. He took me by the hand and looked me straight in the eyes and told me how much he cares about me and how his feelings had grown exponentially within the past couple months. It doesn’t sound like much to anyone else, but you had to be there. You could hear the emotion in his voice, you could see it in his eyes. Nothing else mattered to me but that very moment we shared there.

We kissed goodbye and he gave me his favorite hoodie for the time that he would be gone. The purple hoodie was always something that was used as a measure of importance. It was known that *I* was the only one who had ever been allowed to wear that hoodie. *I* was the only one who got to keep it for an extended period of time to feel close to him when he wasn’t around. We talked each day that he was at the beach, and saw eachother the very night he got home. We watched tv and he couldn’t keep his hands off me. I had never seen someone be so hungry and dominant and I loved it. We kissed and touched and cuddled until it was just getting too late. We played outside with one of my dogs. I’ve never seen my dog love someone (not even me) so much in my entire life.

That brought us all the way to Labor Day, and I know I saw him a couple more times before his family birthday celebration. I brought an extra set of clothes to work for me to change into. I brought my makeup bag and extra perfume and everything else I could’ve possibly brought to make myself feel pretty and confident. It was no lie that I was nervous–I had heard about family dinners at his house and how they’re a big affair. But everyone was kind and welcoming and assured me that I would fit right in. I had never felt more comfortable in his house or with his family than I did that night. As soon as most of the company left, we sat in the family room with his parents and one of his brothers. Small talk was had, we all just sat together the way you do when you’re in the comforts of your own home. He kept trying to kiss me in front of his mom, we laid together on the couch and I jokingly tried to grab his nipples since he claims he “hates” it. It just felt real. It felt natural. And I knew I was falling.

I gave him his birthday presents–two Vineyard Vines shirts I drove over an hour to pick out for him. I even got him a card with a mustache on it since he knows I don’t like them. I gave him a little PG-13 birthday present after that, too. The night was about celebrating him, and I was glad to be a part of it.

We all know what happened from here. I went home, I went to bed. I woke up Monday morning with a migraine and got called out of work (thankfully), and ate dinner with my parents before going to Amanda’s. The argument ensued. The bad mood was created, and then the next day everything changed.

He and I bickered about whether or not 9/11 was the intended date for him to ask me by. It didn’t matter. He knew that was a potential date and still didn’t ask me. I confessed that I felt like I had been repeatedly shaking a Magic 8 ball asking it, “Is he ever going to ask me to be his girlfriend or am I wasting my time?” He told me he didn’t like me using the phrase “wasting my time” because he didn’t feel like he had wasted any…that our time together meant something. That’s when I boiled it down to the real issue: he didn’t ask me, he was constantly coming up with reasons (excuses?) why he couldn’t ask me, instead of pointing out reasons why he should or wanted to do it. As far as I was concerned, I had put forth as much energy into our relationship as I could have and for what? To constantly be the question mark in someone’s life? I deserve better. I thought he knew that. I thought he wanted ME because I made HIM better.

I waited for a response. Waited, and waited, and waited. I grew increasingly more anxious throughout the day and watched the hours tick by and still not a little (1) message in my inbox. I had a crappy day at work. My throat really started to hurt. I distracted myself and went out with my friend for a pre-birthday celebration. I even did a little bit of tipsy driving to eat up more time and listened to a bunch of sad songs on my way home. I showered, scrubbed my makeup off, and finally convinced myself that I should just take some cold medicine to knock me out and go to bed. I woke up to a start when my fire alarm started beeping and alerted me of a potential fire. Honestly, I think the batteries were just low. I checked my phone at 4:30 in the morning and finally noticed a (1) in my inbox. FINALLY! 

I tried to decide if I should wait until the morning to read it or not when I was more coherent, but told myself I wouldn’t be able to sleep unless I knew what it said. I started reading, “I know it’s more than 12 hours later…but after work and class I was able to get away from everything and everyone and get my thoughts out about everything. I know I drive you crazy and my lack of fully committing to this relationship is heart wrenching for you! I just feel like I hurt you more and more with each day I don’t ask you and…” And I knew. My heart sank. My vision got cloudy. I just had that pit in my stomach like something truly awful was going to happen. And it did. He told me he couldn’t be with me. I shouldn’t have been surprised, honestly. He and I have known eachother for three years now. I wanted to date him in 2014 but we both made too many mistakes along the way. We would kiss a lot of 2015 if we had been drinking, but there was never a promise of anything substantial, even if I wanted to date him still. He and I both started talking to and seeing other people in 2015-2016. And then we reconnected at a party and after a month or two of being just friends, we always gravitate in the direction of “more.”

All of those times should have proven to me that we did not belong together. Even in 2017 when we would talk every day and hang out, there were still a couple bumps in the road. But I finally felt like we got things right at the end of May. He told me he hadn’t stopped thinking about me and that he was finding it much harder to get over me than his ex-girlfriend. He wrote me an 11-page love letter when we had a slight hiccup in the road, and in that letter, he wrote me some of the most beautiful words. He told me that I was a once in a lifetime girl, that I was the prettiest girl, both inside and out, and that he knew that loving me has been the best thing he’s done and would only continue to get better. He told me he was ready to put his fears aside and take a jump; to take a leap of faith with me. He even brought me my favorite flowers, and I was on cloud nine. I was completely floored and in awe that someone could say such nice things about me.

When we actually talked about the letter in person and I had written two of my own letters to him, he scared me. He told me that it was equal parts scary to have me or to lose me. In that moment, he opted to lose me. I almost cried in front of him, but I didn’t give him the satisfaction. I forced those tears back and controlled it in my voice. We had the most silent car ride home where he asked me for a hug and I told him no. Apparently he immediately called his aunt and cried to her on the phone about our conversation. I was so bummed that night, all I did was listen to sad songs that reminded me of him and eat pizza in my car. I couldn’t face anyone to tell them that he had let me down. I saw him the next day at a country concert (where we didn’t speak), and he called me the next day to tell me he had a panic attack thinking about us not talking and being a part of one another’s lives. We hadn’t gone a day without talking until now.

I texted my friend and told her to call me when she woke up. She called me and I read her the message. And that’s when it happened. The first tears shed. I cried on the phone with her and told her just how broken I felt. How could I be so stupid? How could I feel SO sure that he was going to ask me to be his girlfriend? I had never been so sure of something, but here I am, single as fuck. Feeling lonely. Feeling conflicted. Feeling confused. And just so fucking sad. I read her the letter I got at the beginning of the summer from him and cried during that–all of my favorite parts. I cried when I read her the text message he sent me at 1:36 am, which consequently, was the same exact time we were sharing our first kiss three years prior. I asked myself how my summer could have started so perfectly and ended so poorly. I asked how he could do that to me, when he said how much he cared about me as a person.

I spent a lot of my day yesterday crying, gaining my composure, only to cry again. I’m not someone who easily cries. I cry a couple times a year maximum. I hadn’t cried this much or this hard since I had to put my dog down last summer. I kept saying “Winter isn’t coming. Winter is here.” The color in my world–the exciting things we had planned, the comfort in knowing you have someone to share about your day with, the joy in having someone who loves to talk to you as much as you love to talk to them–all disappeared. Winter came.

I felt humiliated that my girl brain got the best of me the night before. I took a shower and vividly imagined him going to Target to buy a Magic 8 ball and say, “Ask it one more time” and then have him as me to be his girlfriend. I Imagined him being at my house with flowers waiting for me when I got home Tuesday night. I did NOT expect that message. I cried so hard Wednesday night in the same shower that I almost threw up. For fuck’s sake, even Amanda half expected him to show up to her apartment on his birthday with a single red rose and ask if I accept it; if I accept him.

I played a random country playlist on my spotify and laid in bed. I was doing okay. I was still stalking the shit out of his social media accounts to see if there were any hints of him being as devastated as I felt. But this one song came on and I fucking LOST it. 

Chris Young, I love you and I hate you. Because this song BROKE me, and I have since downloaded it and put it on repeat. It’s called “Who I am With You.” The lyrics go as follows:

“I’ve been a rolling stone all my life Flying all alone, flying blind I’ve seen it all, I’ve been around I’ve been lost and I’ve been found But who I am with you is who I really wanna be You’re so good for me And when I’m holdin’ you, it feels like I’ve got the world in my hands Yeah, a better man is who I am with you I’ve got a ways to go on this ride But I got a hand to hold that fits just right You make me laugh, you make me high, You make me wanna hold on tight ‘Cause who I am with you is who I really wanna be You’re so good for me And when I’m holdin’ you, it feels like I’ve got the world in my hands Yeah, a better man is who I am with you Who I am with you Because of you I’m a lucky man You’re the best part of who I am Who I am with you is who I really wanna be You’re so good for me And when I’m holdin’ you, it feels like I’ve got the world in my hands Yeah, a better man is who I am with you Yes, who I am with you”

So as I said, I have placed this on a playlist called “caught in the feels” and also will listen to this song for 10x in a row before I can skip it and listen to another. It’s been my anthem. It makes me so sad, because I thought I WAS that girl for him. I thought I was that person that he looked forward to talking to day in and day out, someone he wanted to get naked with, share his life with, and the whole nine yards. I’m finding myself conflicted because I’ve always stood by the phrase “actions speak louder than words.” He said so many beautiful, kind things to me. Things I will likely never forget. But, I’m trying to be realistic, also. How much of those words were empty promises; were words that he just thought I wanted to hear. I’m torn between the mentality that he cared so much he had to let me go, and he cared, but not enough to have me. Am I hard to love? Was I a fool for thinking that things were actually looking up, and that he and I had a future together? So many times he had mentioned futuristic plans with me. He mentioned wanting to buy a house within the next year and how he could see me waiting for him. (I told him that sounded creepy. That’s when he told me that I would have a key to his place), He told me that a house is just a house, unless you have someone to help fill it with love. I was that person. He told me he could see us running into one another and him whisper to a friend, “I used to be in love with that girl.’ He even told me he loved me. Not to my face, but in the letter. Maybe that was a lie, too. We talked about what we’d say in our wedding vows, we jokingly looked at the many different styles of engagement rings, and even talked about what we could picture naming our kids one day. (Not necessarily OUR kids together, but our future children in general). Everything pointed to him wanting to be with me and exploring that we had even further.

But that text ripped my heart out and I think it’s going to be that way for awhile. In that message, he told me that part of him thinks that we’re soulmates and it just comes down to the wrong timing. I don’t think that’s true at all. I won’t lie to you. I have, for many years now, thought that he and I would wind up together long term. But if there was even the slightest possibility that we could be soulmates, how could you risk it? How could you let it go and hope you get another shot at being together in the future? Again, it’s times like these when I don’t know how much of his words are fact versus fiction. I want to believe in the sincerity of them all. I want to still believe in him. But everything from the past is telling me that I shouldn’t, and that I have no reason to believe that he will EVER value me for all that I am. Value me for my sass, my intellect, my writing abilities, or more importantly, my tender heart. I feel stupid that I’m still half-expecting you to show up at my house with some grand romantic gesture. Hoping that the two days apart have made you realize that you’re throwing it all away over calling eachother girlfriend/boyfriend, which, by the way…if you said you refer to me as your girlfriend in your head, why not just say it aloud? You say you are terrified of commitment, but you still managed to commit to your ex. And you always told me I meant more to you than she did. I’m going to call your bluff on this one and say that a) you just don’t like me enough to commit or b) you just don’t like me enough to commit. It’s as simple as that.

I wonder how you’re coping. I wonder if you feel as empty as I do. I wonder if I’ve crossed your mind at all, or if you’ll read this. I wonder if you’ve cried since we talked. I wonder if you’ve listened to any songs that you once associated with me and feel that pit in your stomach. I wonder if you were in love with me and too afraid to tell me.

I wrote about him years ago on this very same blog. I christened him “Mistake.” M, for the initial of his first name. And “mistake” because of how many chances I gave him. I’m tearing up as I write this, but I’m lifting that title from you. You weren’t a mistake. You’re officially: My First Love & consequently, My First Heartbreak.

[atc74]

The Simple Things Aren’t Always So Simple - Part 2 - Our Time

Word Count: 1879

Warnings: Implied smut, cheating. I, in no way, condone cheating on your spouse or partner. This fic is the result of a dream my friend @spntrista had one glorious night. Remember, this is strictly a work of fiction and should be regarded as such. We mean no disrespect to Jensen or his beautiful family. 

A/N: The first part was co-written by @spntrista, inspired by here dream. Unbeta’d but thank you @chelsea072498 for reading it over.

Italics indicate internal thoughts. 

Read Part 1 here (sorry the link is not working - thanks a lot Tumblr)

I was in the kitchen making coffee for Jensen and frying bacon for breakfast by the time everyone made it downstairs. Jensen thanked me for the coffee and went out to the patio. I needed just a moment with him. I asked the children to go play until breakfast was ready and I joined him outside.

“Mornin’ Darlin.” It was simple, Southern and made my heart skip a beat.

“Good morning Jensen.” I replied.

He turned to face me. I could tell he wanted to reach for me but was holding back in case one of the children appeared.

“I know what happened last night was wrong, but I don’t want to be right. Not anymore. I have held my tongue for far too long. I have let her walk all over me and I won’t do it anymore. When I go back to Vancouver, you and the children are coming with me.” He kissed my cheek and walked back in the house, leaving me stunned.

“Jensen? Wait.” I reached out for his arm, stopping him. He turned back to me. I attempted to gather my thoughts before speaking, never taking my eyes off my feet where they stood planted on the patio.

“Jensen, how do you even know you want me? Last night was the best night of my life, but how do you...how do you know that I am what you want?” The silence was deafening, neither of us knowing how to move forward.

I slowly peeled my eyes from my painted toes and looked up to see his emerald orbs fixated on mine. The look on his face was one of confusion and something I couldn’t put my finger on. Had I said something to make him think he wasn’t what I wanted? There was no doubt in my mind that if Jensen wanted me, he could have me for the rest of my life. I just wasn’t sure that I was truly what he needed. Did he really want to end his marriage? Split up his family? He has only known me for 48 hours.

He extended his arm, placing his hand gently against my cheek, making me weak in the knees once more. The look on his face, in his eyes, changed. I now saw heat, desire, passion. How could one person say so much without uttering a single word? It took all the strength in me, but I took a step back from his touch. I think it surprised, even shocked him.

Taking a deep breath and letting it out slowly, I spoke. “Here is what I think. I think, no, I know that I could spend every day and night doing we what did last night, but I want you to be sure. I don’t want you to look back a week, a month from now and regret making love to me.” Holy shit! I just laid it all out there. I am laying my heart out for him to either embrace or crush. My eyes returned to their previous spot on the patio. Did I just screw up potentially the best thing that has ever happened to me?

It could have been seconds, minutes or a millennia before Jensen spoke, “wait here” before turning and heading back into the house. I let out a breath I wasn��t aware I was holding, before collapsing in the nearest chair. The cool morning air enveloping me like the thoughts swirling through my mind.  A few minutes later, the patio door opened and my head turned toward the sound, seeing Jensen emerge from the house, I stood, waiting for him.

He glided towards me, a look of determination etched in his beautiful face. “I have a charity event tonight. I will be leaving around six, but will not return home until late. I have called my mother and she will come pick up the children around eight o’clock. She offered to keep them overnight tonight and tomorrow.” He paused, his eyes searching mine.

“You are afraid you aren’t really what I want, what I need.  I plan on spending tomorrow proving you wrong.” He announced, leaving me speechless.

I had no words for this incredible man standing before me. This man, so handsome and caring, wanted to spend an entire day with me. What had I done to deserve this? When I didn’t reply, he turned to glance through the doors to ensure the children were not there, their little eyes spying. Once satisfied they were out of sight, he turned back to face me, wrapping his arms around my waist, lifting me to bring my face level with his and kissed me. There was no urgency or need; simply unbridled passion. I wrapped my arms around his neck and legs around his waist, our lips gliding in unison, the heat rising between us. I could feel his manhood harden against my heated core.

Jensen pulled back, loosening his grip as I slid down his firm body, my feet landing between his on the smooth patio. “If we keep going I won’t be able to stop. Tomorrow, Y/N. Tomorrow.” His voice full of promise as the two of us walked back into the house.

From breakfast to dinner, the day was filled with activities. Thank goodness for these two adorable, loving children that had taken to me instantly. They kept my mind off this morning’s conversation. While Jensen took them to play in the pool, I used the free time to pack an overnight bag for JJ and Austin, making sure they would have everything they needed while at Jensen’s parents house. I heard them come in the house, the bath start and the squeals of delight and laughter float through the halls. I peeked in to see if he needed any help.

“Um, yeah, can you finish up with JJ here while I take Austin to shower?” He asked, almost shyly.

“Of course. But then you need to get ready for your event tonight, don’t you?” I inquired as I knelt next to the bath, one hand on JJ to keep her steady on the slippery surface.

“Yeah, yeah, I do. I just need a quick shower once Austin is done, then get dressed. I have plenty of time.” He left the bathroom quickly with Austin in tow. Once JJ was clean and wrapped in a fluffy towel, I carried her to her room and picked put some comfy jammies, even though it was early, I wanted them ready when Jensen’s mother picked them up.

Within the hour, both children and I were sitting at the island eating dinner when Jensen descended the stairs into the kitchen. I had to compose myself and pick my jaw up off the counter. He looked absolutely gorgeous in his simple yet elegant tuxedo.  

“Well, don’t you clean up nice, Mr. Ackles,” I stated calmly, at least that is what I was going for.

JJ giggled from her booster seat next me. “Don’t call him ’Mista Ackles’, Y/N/N! His name is ‘Daddy’!”

“Oh silly me, JJ!” I exclaimed, playing along with his daughter.

“Okay, baby, be good for Y/N and Nana and Papa, okay? I will call y’all tomorrow. Austin, take care of my girl.” He gave JJ a kiss on top of her blonde head, threw Austin a high five and walked toward the door, his car having arrived. I quickly jumped up, asking Austin to keep on eye on JJ, and followed Jensen to the door.

He stopped short of the door, swinging around to face me, pushing me up against the wall, out of the view of the children, holding me in place with the length of his body. He crashed his lips to mine for a brief but needy kiss. He pulled away abruptly, leaving me breathless. I recovered enough to straighten his bow tie and whisper, “Have fun tonight, ‘Daddy’.” I rose up on my tiptoes, pecking him lightly on the cheek before strolling back to the kitchen, but the low growl that escaped his lips was not lost on me.

The rest of the evening was pretty uneventful. The children settled in to watch a movie while I cleaned up from dinner. Before I knew it, it was seven-thirty and the doorbell rang. I walked quickly to the door, opening it. Before me stood an older blonde woman, with a huge smile on her face; it was Jensen’s smile. “You must be Jensen’s mother. My name is Y/N, the nanny. Please come in.” I tried to hide any shame I was feeling with coming face to face with his mother, knowing I was the reason she was here.

“Please, call me Donna,” she chortled, wrapping me a hug, surprising the crap out of me.

“Thank you, Donna. It’s a pleasure to meet you,” I breathed out, relieved that she was so sweet.

“Likewise, Sweetie. It’s always nice to meet the woman in my son’s life,” she offered, looking me in the eye.

“I am sorry, Donna, I don’t know what you are talking about.” I tried my best to play dumb.

“Come on, Sweetie, I am not blind or deaf. I heard Jay’s voice when he called me today. Besides, just cause she gave me a granddaughter, doesn’t mean I gotta love her. She ain’t right for my boy.”  The honesty in her voice struck me and I was feeling the enormity of the situation for the first time, really feeling it. He may not have told her, but she knew. A mother always knows.

She greeted the children and we quickly got them settled into the car and they were on their way. I shuffled my way back to the house, shutting the door. As soon as it was secured I leaned against it, letting the weight of my body and events of the last 48 hours drag me down to the floor. I don’t know how long I sat there, but my legs were cramped, so it must have been some time. I slowly got to my feet and went to the kitchen for something a little stronger than wine tonight. I poured a glass and then went upstairs, starting a hot bath to relax some.  The whiskey and hot water helping to relax my nerves.  When the water turned cold and my glass was dry, I dried off and went to my room. In the middle of my bed lay a purple box wrapped with a silver ribbon.

I sat down next to the box and pulled the top off. I gingerly pulled back the tissue, not knowing what to expect. I slipped my fingers inside, looping them through the delicate looking straps and pulled the silk and lace to up eye level. It was the most exquisite, rich shade of purple, with lace trim. The babydoll camisole coming to just below my buttocks, with a matching pair of panties that tied on the sides. A note had fallen from the box and I replaced the ensemble before reading it.

I checked the time on the clock, just before ten. I moisturized with my favorite body cream before slipping on the delicate fabrics. I placed my robe around my form securing it tightly and slipped back to the kitchen to refill my glass, the whiskey settling in my bones like the heat from a steady fire. I took it and myself back to the patio. I reclined on one of the chaise lounges staring out at the landscape around me, noticing for the first time, the large privacy fence behind the tall hedges. This very well may be my favorite place on earth.

As a nanny, I was a light sleeper, so I was startled awake when I felt a pair of strong arms slip under me, cradling me to his chest; his scent flooding my nose.

“Jensen? What time is it?” I asked, my face nuzzled into the crook of his neck, breathing him in.

Jensen laid me gently on my bed, opening my robe, exposing my scantily clad body to him.  “It is time for you to forget. Forget thinking that you aren’t what I want or what I need. I can’t wait until tomorrow. Our time starts now.”

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