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jbuffyangel · 5 years

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The Light Bulb Moment: Arrow 7x05 Review (The Demon)

Oliver Queen has a light bulb moment that’s been seven years in the making.

Team Felicity (yes that’s the name) has one as well, which means we are that much closer to being done with the prison arc!

Let’s dig in...

Oliver Queen

We finally find out who The Demon is and I gotta say I was legitimately surprised. However, as soon as I found out it was Talia Al Ghul I thought

It had to be someone related to the League of Assassins and Talia would consider herself The Demon since Ra’s Al Ghul is dead. It’s not like Talia and Nyssa are besties. The amount of hoops Oliver had to jump through to get to The Demon also fits perfectly with Talia Al Ghul, as he notes.

The real question is how Talia ended up in Slabside and it seems we have Batwoman to thank. Nice shout out to Gotham and a not so subtle reference to the rapidly approaching crossover.

Talia survived Lian Yu, but it was Diaz’s super drug that healed her. Not unlike how it temporarily healed Diggle’s injury. Excellent tie in writers.

Talia is beholden to Diaz, but unfortunately she has no idea where he is. UGH.

It’s a little surprising Talia believes Oliver will help her escape. Listen girlfriend, you sided with Adrian Chase and his baby Mama ended up dead.

However, Talia (rightly) points out Oliver murdered her father. She’s not exactly an Oliver Queen fan. So, whatever Dr. Parker is doing to the prisoners is making Talia pretty desperate.

Oliver: You stood on the same side as Adrian Chase and my son lost his mother. So now I’m here trying to save what’s left of my family because I am stuck in a cycle of violence and I have been stuck there since the moment you told what to do with my father’s list.

(Not gonna lie, I was a little verklempt when Oliver referred to Samantha as his family. Olicity and Samantha would have killed it at co-parenting.)

It seems like Oliver has bought into Dr. Parker’s brain bullshit, but he’s just playing along. He doesn’t really believe he’s been stuck in a cycle of violence. I mean, he has but not in a bad way or at least not entirely. I also argue with his conclusion the cycle began when he met Talia. Oliver was thrown into violence the second he stepped onto the raft.

Talia didn’t create “the monster.” She just gave Oliver direction on how to use it.

There are a couple reasons why Oliver is pretending to be brain washed. It is possible he believes he’s being watched and doesn’t want to tip off Dr. Parker. Also, he met “The Demon” and she can’t help him with jack, so I don’t think he’s highly motivated to blow his cover for Talia. Finally, Oliver isn’t convinced Dr. Parker is doing anything horrible yet. He’s not buying what Dr. Parker is selling, but Oliver still believes he is trying to reform prisoners. What’s wrong with that?

A lot if you try to kill them. When Oliver sees the dead body of the inmate who attempted to murder him in the shower fight, things start to look more alarming on Level 2. Talia is surprised Oliver cares about a man who tried to kill him, but he argues whatever is happening behind the creepy and nondescript door isn’t right. Talia is the one who told Oliver to help others and fight for justice, which is all he’s trying to do now.

This is an extremely important development for Oliver. Helping criminals has never been the Green Arrow’s modus operandi. Since Green Arrow is the warmer and fuzzier version of The Hood and The Arrow, you can trust neither of those identities were invested in helping criminals either. In fact, the Green Arrow put most of the criminals in Slabside. Oliver never thought much about why someone became a criminal and he never thought of them again after they were locked up. Of course, the locked up criminals are the lucky ones. There are many who never made it to jail. They went straight to a graveyard.

Oliver’s policy on killing is fluid, ever evolving and occasionally flip flopping, much to my frustration most of the time. Let’s review:

Season 1: Killing

Season 2: Not killing (except for The Count)

Season 3: Not killing (except for attempting to kill Ra’s Al Ghul on the mountain because Felicity said it was okay and ultimately killing Ra’s Al Ghul in the season finale)

Season 4: Not killing (except for Damien Darhk because he killed Laurel)

Season 5: Killing (except for Adrian Chase because that would’ve proved his point)

Season 6: Not killing (he never caught Diaz so the jury is still out on how Oliver plans to deal with him, but I am thinking jail)

Looking at this it’s fair to say Oliver doesn’t have a hard and fast rule when it comes to killing. He operated from a kill or be killed perspective in Season 1 and Season 5.

His “no killing” rule was set aside anytime the Big Bad was perceived as a large enough threat or for retribution in Season 3 and Season 4.

The whole point of having a moral code is to stick to it. If Oliver is prepared to deep six his code whenever it’s inconvenient or difficult to hold to then it’s not really a code. Hence, the reason I’ve been coming down on him so hard about this for the last seven years.

I believe all human life has value and therefore we cannot kill another human being. Of course, war or acting in self defense is a different story, but my overall stance on killing is a big, fat NO. However, I’m not losing any sleep over any of the people Oliver Queen has killed. These villains are awful, they did horrific things, and deserved to get got. We can even make the argument the world is a better place without these people in it.

However, simply because someone deserves to die doesn’t mean he/she should. Oliver doesn’t get to be judge, jury, and executioner simply because he wears a mask. He may catch criminals outside of the law, but Oliver is not above the law. His killing is a strong argument against vigilantism and Oliver has been striving to be a better hero for several years now.

This isn’t entirely Oliver’s fault. For some reason, the writers are determined to box him into an either or choice. Either the criminal goes free or you kill him. I’ve been screaming, “WHAT ABOUT JAIL?” for the last seven years because guess what? We have a way of keeping society safe without killing the criminal.

Is it a perfect system? Of course not, but no system is. Not allowing Oliver to avail himself of this option while Barry Allen gets to have his very own meta prison seems a little unfair.

Yes, men like Ra’s Al Ghul and even Damien Darhk may too much to handle even for Slabside, but Oliver had his very own A.R.G.U.S. prison on Lian Yu that he never used, except for Slade Wilson and the Boomerang guy.

Why? Because that’s Arrow and sometimes Arrow is dumb. They want to Oliver constantly deciding whether the villain lives or dies because it’s one way they mark his superhero evolution.

I was particularly hard on Oliver regarding Damien Darhk. Not because I believed Darhk deserves to live – he nuked an entire city. However, Oliver killed Darhk because he killed Laurel. Damien was unarmed and de-magicked. Oliver easily could have handed him over to the authorities. Instead, he drove an arrow through him on live television. Thus, creating many of the legal problems Oliver faced in Season 6 and Season 7.

And that’s the point. Killing doesn’t erase consequences. It creates them. Yes, maybe the villain escapes prison and more lives are lost. Maybe the justice system won’t work. Although are we really worried the legal system won’t punish perpetrators of mass genocide? No. Probably not.

Killing Ra’s Al Ghul ignited a rage in Talia. She sided with Adrian and played a role in Samantha’s death. If you want to know how Damien Darhk’s daughter turns out flip on Legends. It ain’t pretty.

Retribution begets retribution. This is the lesson Adrian Chase taught Oliver and so he began to view killing a different way in Season 6.

It’s why Oliver tried to catch Diaz and not kill him.

Oliver: These people are being treated like they are disposable. No one deserves that.

Oliver’s always evolving morality is taking a very important step. He is feeling empathy for the very murderers he helped locked away. Oliver believes these people deserve basic decency despite the horrible crimes they committed. He is beginning to see the criminals’ humanity.

Why is this important? Oliver’s “destiny” is to become the Green Arrow – a fully evolved superhero. Superheroes typically don’t kill. These characters, for the lack of a better word, are Christ like figures. Superheroes have integrity, determination, love, compassion, honesty and honor beyond the regular, everyday person. They are capable of things most people could never dream of doing. It’s why they inspire us. They challenge us to be better because they are better. It’s what makes them superheroes.

This is where Oliver is headed. His morality has to be beyond reproach. Superheroes don’t lie, cheat or kill. Oliver has worked very hard at fixing these problem areas in his life for the last ten years. Is he perfect? No, not even a superhero is perfect. He/She is pretty close though, which is hopefully where Oliver’s origin story ends.

Maybe you or I can’t feel empathy for a criminal, but Oliver Queen is called to be better than us. He will draw the line in the sand, so it’s important he doesn’t cross it. The Green Arrow will be the example Star City will look to, so his moral code better be unbreakable.

This means NO KILLING. Not even when the villain deserves it. Not even when Oliver has the moral high ground. Not even when Oliver deserves revenge. Not even when it may protect the city.

There will always be unforeseen consequences to killing, but the real reason Oliver shouldn’t kill is because every life has value. Oliver can understand and even empathize with some of these people now that he is considered a “criminal” too and has spent so much time with them. It will be very difficult for Oliver to kill a villain when he can see their humanity. It doesn’t mean they deserve freedom, but they don’t automatically deserve death either. There’s a middle ground here. If Arrow will finally allow the Green Arrow to avail himself of the prison system, then he can be a better example to the city.

Talia isn’t impressed with Oliver’s new found empathy for criminals, because he did not show it to her father when it mattered. Yeah, well your father tried to poison an entire city cutie, but that’s just details.

Oliver: No because I back then I still allowed the monster that you unleashed to take over.

This is how we know Oliver is faking with Dr. Parker. You can call it whatever you want – Oliver’s monster, darkness, demons, etc. The name doesn’t matter. Oliver has evolved beyond it. The rage he feels no longer controls him. He faced his “monster” in Season 5 and learned to control it in Season 6. He’s already dealt with all of these issues.

Oliver: Ra’s death was my fault. I couldn’t see past what he intended to do to my city, so I didn’t stop and think about his family, and for that, I am truly sorry.

I could argue Oliver deserves prison. Technically, he is a murderer and not all of his “kills” were done in self defense.

He acknowledges there was another way with Ra’s Al Ghul, but he didn’t take it. Talia is one of those unforeseen consequences to that decision and Oliver is truly sorry for the pain he caused her.

If you believe Oliver deserves redemption for some of those calls then apologizing to who he hurt is an important part of the process. It’s no different than Bl*ck S*ren. Is an apology enough? No, but Oliver has also spent six months locked away from his wife and child. He’s been beaten, tortured, psychologically lobotomized, and almost killed. (Also, I raise my “Ra’s Al Ghul committed mass genocide” flag again.) We’re not dealing with apples to apples here, but in the cosmic scale I think Oliver Queen comes out just fine.

Oliver and Talia fight their way into “the room” to take on Dr. Parker.

Source: @olivergifs

We get some extremely excellent fight scenes.I am so happy we are back to the days of Oliver taking down 50 bad guys by himself or with someone who actually knows how to fight.

Now it’s Oliver’s turn to drop some truths on Dr. Parker.

Oliver: My father pushed people away. He kept secrets, and I made those same mistakes. But if I choose to break the cycle, I’m gonna do it my way.

Source: olivergifs

MY SON IS SO GROWN!!!!!!

Oliver yelling his name in his growly voice will always be awesome. I am thrilled any time Oliver can achieve insights into himself and his father. It’s not the cycle of violence he needs to break. If he’s going to be the Green Arrow and Oliver Queen (and yes that’s where this is headed) then there’s going to be some violence. Oliver can tweak how much violence he’s going to engage in though.

What’s really important is breaking the cycle of lies and walls. Oliver cuts himself off from those he loves just like Robert Queen did. He has grown so much over the past seven years, and his sacrifice was so selfless, but he still lied to Felicity about prison. He made the decision without her. Every time Oliver lies and pushes people away he hurts those he loves and himself.

The monster no longer has power in Oliver’s life because he’s embraced love. Every time he chooses an unrighteous path it’s an opportunity for the monster to regain control. Every step away from the light is a step towards darkness. Being a good man is not limited to wearing a mask. He must be a good man as Oliver Queen and as the Green Arrow.

Source: @olivergifs

SEVEN YEARS Y’ALL!!!!!!!!!!! I HAVE WAITED FOR OLIVER QUEEN TO COME TO THIS CONCLUSION FOR SEVEN YEARS!!!!!!!!!

Season after season, review after review, waiting, watching and hoping for him to finally understand man and mask must be one. I am legit screaming. SCREAMING.

This was the light bulb I’ve been waiting to go off in his head. THIS MOMENT WAS EARNED! And worth the wait.

Oliver gives Talia the USB with the evidence they gathered to give to Felicity. He refuses to leave the prison because then he’d be a fugitive for the rest of his life. #OliverQueenPuttingHisFamilyFirstAlways.

Source: smoakmonster

Trust me, Talia. She knows.

Oliver returns to Level One and is reunited with his prison wife Stan, who quickly informs him his real wife came for a visit.

Every time Oliver hears Felicity’s name I swear to God his heart stops.

My heart broke for Oliver when he realizes he missed a precious visit with Felicity. He must have noticed she hasn’t visited as often as she could. (More on that in a minute).

Source: oliverfelicitygifs

Stan tells Oliver that Felicity has a beat on Diaz and he’s not exactly thrilled. Oliver absolutely did not want Felicity going after Diaz and it’s clear he’s scared to death she’ll be hurt. He has no way of protecting or stopping her, which is exactly the point. Oliver doesn’t get to decide this time. He has to simply wait and see. Whatever is going to happen will happen. It’ll be interesting when these two are reunited because there are issues.

Oliver has retained his light inside of Slabside, he’s developed more empathy towards the people he’s fighting against, and he understands he can no longer separate his two identities. If Oliver is in need of redemption (particularly with Felicity) then I say he’s learned the necessary lessons to achieve it. It may be difficult for a time, but Oliver and Felicity will work through their problems once they are together again. In no small part because Oliver Queen is ready to be the man Felicity Smoak deserves and the hero Star City needs.

Source: smoakmonster

Felicity Smoak

I am falling in love with Felicity Smoak and Bl*ck S*ren. Nobody is more shocked than me. I don’t know what to tell ya.

They make the perfect odd couple. Felicity is sunshine and roses while Bl*ck S*ren is a snarky (reformed?) murderer. There are some similarities to Oliver and Felicity or Laurel and Tommy, which is probably one of the reasons I am enjoying it so much. Light meets dark. Funny meets serious.

Source: hollandrooden

The sass and banter is funny and honest. Neither is worried about hurting the other’s feelings because they aren’t really friends. It allows the characters to say things to each other Felicity and our L*urel would never say. It also makes the development of whatever potential friendship they may have in the future feel natural.

Source: dinah-lance

Whereas with L*urel, I feel her friendship with Felicity was rushed and didn’t develop organically. We went from L*urel glowering and not speaking to Felicity to immediately “favor friends” inside of a single episode.

HUH?

It was also a little weird how they never talked about the Oliver shaped elephant in the room too, but whatever that’s all past. None of this is a problem with Bl*ck S*ren and F*licity. In fact, all the things I asked for with L*urel L*nce I am actually getting with Bl*ck S*ren.

The writers are giving Bl*ck S*ren screen time to develop at a semi reasonable pace, the lawyer thing notwithstanding.

The other characters aren’t pretending she’s a saint or glazing over her mistakes. Bl*ck S*ren is being held responsible for the things she’s done wrong.

Felicity (and Oliver) have no problem taking shots at Bl*ck S*ren occasionally, because they don’t trust her and she deserves them.

Bl*ck S*ren fires back (hilariously I might add) and is rapidly becoming the Spike to Team Arrow’s Scooby Gang - something I think the show needs.

Bl*ck S*ren is lawyering more than Laurel ever lawyered even though she’s not a laywer, which is hilariously amazing in an off kilter sort of way.

Most importantly, she’s helping Felicity in a way that’s actually helpful!

If Bl*ck S*ren helps get Oliver out of prison and then my faves have all the sex, Imma gonna bake her cake or something. Anyone assisting Felicity this season gets an A+ and a gold star from me and Bl*ck S*ren is at the top of that list.

Listen, nobody is as shocked as me since I was loudly advocating for BS to remain evil. I still like her evil and will be fine if she regresses. However, if they are going to have a L*urel type character on this show then I want the writers to use her effectively. Thus far, they are with Bl*ck S*ren. It may all go to hell in a hand basket shortly, but for now leave me to my joy.

Source: felicitysmoakgifs

The best scene was BS asking Felicity out on a friend date. It was almost as cute as Oliver asking Felicity out. It was really sweet to see the part of BS that craves human connection reaching out to Felicity in such an adorably awkward way.

Alright, that’s enough about Bl*ck S*ren. Time to talk about our girl. Did anyone notice Felicity seems reluctant to visit Oliver?

Source: smoakmonster

Bl*ck S*ren tells Felicity to visit her husband and essentially kicks her out of the office. Welcome the Olicity ship BS! The bar is in the back.

Her reluctance is very telling. Felicity is feeling bad about her last visit with Oliver. Girl, why? You’re fine. The man has lessons to learn.

Unfortunately, Felicity is denied access to Oliver when she arrives. Felicity demands to see Oliver and think she uses “wife” and “husband” about twenty times in a sentence. Remember when we held our breath for one “wife” or “husband” last season? Now they use it with reckless abandon. It’s fabulous.

I have been dying for Felicity to meet Stan and yet I had no idea how Arrow would logically put these two characters together. I know logic isn’t always Arrow’s thing, but it’s not like Felicity can run into Stan and Oliver having dinner together. Turns out, this is not that hard!

Stan lets Felicity know Oliver has been moved to Level 2. I will always be eternally grateful to Stan for telling Felicity the photograph has become Oliver’s binky.

I guess I was a little surprised at Felicity’s shock over Oliver stabbing a guard. She’s very “He would never!” about it whereas I am more “Sounds right. He broke a dude’s neck once.” Yes, that was during Oliver’s pre-Felicity days, but he’d burn down Slabside if it means protecting her and William. Her whole “Oliver is a choir boy” reaction rang false to me because Oliver is not a choir boy.

The first person Felicity runs to for help is BL*CK S*REN. We are living in the Upside Down.

Source: dinah-lance

How much did you love Bl*ck S*ren yelling and threatening so Oliver and Felicity can visit each other? C’mere girl. Sit next to me. I made you a margarita.

Felicity confirms she’s only been there ONCE, and granted she was in witness protection for most of Oliver’s incarceration, but yeesh. It has to sting a little for Oliver that she hasn’t been back since. Don’t lie and make unilateral decisions next time, big fella.

Felicity would visit in sexy lingerie and bring store bought baked goods if you just LOOP HER IN.

Source: felicitysmoakgifs

Bl*ck S*ren and Felicity go to Dinah to get information on Slabside’s Level 2, since there are no digital records.

Source: oliverfelicitygifs

Dinah hems and haws about helping Felicity, and she pretty much has to beg, which ticks me off to no end. You are part of the reason Oliver is in prison, Dinah. MOVE YOUR ASS. If Felicity wants to access to the evidence room you should be making her a copy of the key so she can come and go as she pleases. #NewbiesStopPissingMeOff2018

The records are a mess.

Source: dinah-lance

Dinah and BS spend a lot of time arguing about which legal method is best to help Felicity, but to be frank both their ideas suck and take too much time. Felicity kind of loses it.

Source: oliverxfelicity

She’s feeling an immense amount of guilt for being angry with Oliver over his decision to go to prison and not visiting. In typical Felicity fashion, she blames herself for whatever Oliver is going through. She believes she could have prevented it.

Source: oliverfelicitygifs

Felicity Smoak breaks my heart. Listen sweetie, Oliver is a big, dumb oak tree A LOT. It’s okay to get mad at him sometimes. This man is a full time project. He’s exhausting.

If anyone is concerned about Felicity and Oliver’s marriage then this speech should tell you everything you need to know. Being mad at your partner does not automatically mean you don’t want to be with your partner. Marriage doesn’t work like that. For better or for worse is legit. You can be so angry with your spouse you want to throttle them and yet still love them more than anything else on this earth.

Felicity can be mad at Oliver and still be madly in love with him. What Oliver did is no little thing. He made a massive and unilateral decision for their entire family without consulting Felicity. She has to live with the consequences, but had no say in her own life.

We’ve seen time and again when Felicity is angry with Oliver she needs time and space to process those emotions. Felicity needs to work through her feelings before she can work through the problem with Oliver. It doesn’t mean she wants to end their relationship.

While she’s been looking for Diaz and processing her anger, Oliver has been going to extremes in his battle to track Diaz too. Unfortunately, now he’s missing.

This all hits Felicity where it hurts because her worst fear is losing Oliver. She thought losing her husband was bad enough, but now Felicity is scared Dr. Power’s mind warp program will take Oliver from her forever.

Source: oliverfelicitygifs

I just want to hug Felicity and tell her she doesn’t have to worry about Oliver’s mind being erased.

He dealt with all his deep and dark issues in the sewer with her. Felicity loved him through it and that’s the reason Oliver has remained intact on this new island. UGH. MY BABES.

Oliver and Felicity have remained connected despite their physical separation, but the distance is having an impact on them. They are starting to feel the consequences of time, distance, hurt feelings, and lack of communication. ENOUGH ALREADY! LET THEM BE TOGETHER! I WANT IT TO STOOOOOP!

Long story short, Felicity discovers Dr. Powers is going to erase Oliver’s mind and finds evidence connecting him to a cold case murder. That, along with Oliver’s evidence, is enough to get the Level 2 program shut down. It makes me a little sad Felicity doesn’t know the evidence is from Oliver. TALIA YOU HAD ONE JOB.

Source: felicitysmoakgifs

Team Felicity, yes that’s the name, has such a fantastic light bulb moment when they realize they can use this Slabside evidence to appeal Oliver’s conviction. I don’t know how. I’m not a lawyer. I don’t know how Oliver was convicted in the first place because he was acquitted. How is he legally in prison? Whatever. I don’t care. Just get him out and send him home to his woman. That’s all I want. I’ve enjoyed the prison arc more than I anticipated, but I’m ready to be done.

Curtis and Diggle

Lord people. I cannot with Curtis. His undercover mission takes up a significant chunk of the episode and this is how much I care:

Fourteen PhDs???? FOURTEEN!!!!!!!??????

I am trying to hang with you show, and I realize you are a fantasy drama, but this is not humanely possible. Also, I am taking issue with Diggle reading out Curtis’ credentials when just last week Felicity tipped her hat to her credentials. She mentions going to MIT and then next week we are listing Curtis’ ridiculous number of PhDs and six languages?!

It feels like a bizarre pissing contest and yet these writers want me to believe this character is not in competition with Felicity.

Cammien Ray tweeted something brilliant yesterday and I thought it really summed up one of my primarily beefs with Curtis and Diggle having this storyline. This is everything we asked for Felicity, but they gave it to Curtis.

Felicity is off doing her own hero-ing and therefore the writing team’s ass is saved, but this character is in constant competition with Felicity. More often than not, Curtis over shadows Felicity so he has a friggin purpose on this show. Arrow is an extremely male dominated series. We don’t need one of few strong female characters sidelined for another male character’s benefit.

Curtis bemoans all of the misery being a vigilante has brought into his life. Yes, Curtis has suffered the most out of all the characters.

Oliver lost his freedom, Felicity lost her husband and child and Dinah’s boyfriend is dead. Hell, even Rene has more to bitch about. Zoe’s life was in danger for most of Season 6. BL*CK S*REN has more to be upset about. Her boyfriend, father and pseudo father figure are all dead.

But Curtis? He got a divorce. Sure, that’s sad, but his ex husband isn’t dead. Curtis is probably paying him alimony.

Curtis was stabbed, his boyfriend shot, THEY BOTH SURVIVED, but woe is me.

Diggle has the audacity to compare Curtis to soldiers who have fought in war.

We are not comparing Curtis and his T balls to men serving in the military. The reason why Curtis doesn’t look “done” when compared to those soldiers, John is because HE HAS NOT FOUGHT IN A FUCKING WAR OR SUFFERED ANYWHERE NEAR THE AMOUNT THOSE HEROES HAVE.

Both of you please shut up.

I couldn’t understand why Diggle was arguing for Curtis to remain Mr. Terrific when he’s given up on Spartan and Green Arrow. This is the second character IN A ROW Diggle has argued to break the rules and continue life as a vigilante. Whereas when it comes to Felicity she can’t be Overwatch or break any laws to free her husband.

I also don’t understand why Diggle is arguing Curtis is so vital to the team when the truth is there are other characters that can do what he does and BETTER. Rene and Dinah are better fighters than him. This is the first week he looked mildly proficient in the field. This is why I say he’s the new LL. One week he can’t take down one bad guy, but the next he’s fighting twenty different people. It’s inconsistent and illogical.

Felicity is a genius and all the tech goddess we need.

Anytime they use Curtis’ brilliant mind it’s to short change her. NO THANKS. The only thing Curtis brings to the table is his T spheres and pretty much everyone can operate them. I am quite annoyed with Diggle for trying to talk Curtis out of sidelining himself.

Arrow continues to glaze over Curtis’ role in Oliver ending up in prison, there’s been no apology and he refuses to help Felicity. Instead, they write an episode where Curtis is given all the storylines we’ve asked for Felicity. Then Curtis whines about how tough life is when the other characters he refuses to help are suffering more. This is not the way to win me over. USE THIS CHARACTER LESS. He needs to disappear from my TV screen for a long time or, God willing, permanently. The more this show shoves this character down my throat the more I dislike him and I have a sensitive gag reflex.

Stray Thoughts

“Empathy’s a word I’m learning. It’s a work in progress” HA! Loved this line.

I know neither Dinah nor BS are Felicity’s besties, but it was nice having all the women work together in an episode. It also gave Felicity a chance to unload some of her grief and fears. Can we make this a regular thing? Felicity needs girlfriends.

“I taught you to separate the man from the monster. Instead, you exposed your true identity for all the world to see and became the monster you always feared you were.” Bitch where?

Talia teaching Oliver to separate his two selves ultimately lead to her father’s death, so there are consequences for her choices too.

Felicity changes out of her high heels and skirt into jeans and tennis shoes for her visit with Oliver. The practicality in Felicity’s wardrobe this year is A+, so let’s keep the logic. Nobody drives to a prison in heels and she sure as hell shouldn’t wear them out in the field.

Oliver’s face when he finds out there’s no visitation in Level 2 looks like he was just told his puppy has cancer. Source: olivergifs

You have not met Felicity “I Will Always Always Always Wait For You” Smoak. Suck a hot one, guard. Source: olivergifs

Why are the A.R.G.U.S. uniforms so dorky? Let’s cool them up costume department.

I need Stan to be good. Can we just let Stan be good?

Stephen Amell is 6 ft so the inmate who died is ENORMOUS.

Don’t you love how there’s been zero Diaz in any of these past few episodes? He’s just like the Boogey Man, but we never have to see him. It’s fantastic.

I don’t buy for a second Diaz took out a bunch of Bratva, but my larger concern is don’t hurt my Anatoly.

No flashbacks. Interesting.

That Elseworld promo was jarring. I’m scarred for life.

Disclaimer: Any gifs on the blog are not mine. If you would like a gif removed from my reviews, please message me. 7x05 gifs credited.

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#arrow #arrow 7x05 #oliver queen #felicity smoak #olicity #arrow season 7 reviews #anti black siren #anti john diggle #anti laurel lance #anti dinah drake #arrow season 7 episode reviews #season 7 episode review

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romancevsreality-blog · 7 years

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vanderpump rules, season five, episode nineteen: i hate it when jax is right

Welcome back!

You look gorgeous!

Jax shows up at Tom’s apartment for egg smoothie time, because of course Tom Sandoval is the kind of friend who will make you a beet smoothie with a raw egg in it when you come over. They talk about Tom Schwartz’s triplet brothers, who, two days before the wedding, are not coming. I know Katie1 claims she planned this wedding in eight weeks, but this is family. It’s not even edited to try to make any sense of it all. Jax and Sandoval are spending $1500 on tickets for Tom’s brothers to come as a surprise. It’s a nice surprise and all, but… shouldn’t Tom have allotted some of that $50k wedding money for flights and accommodations for his own family? Literally, the money Katie spent on ugly ass tea towel/cum rag wedding invitations should have been spent making sure Tom’s family was there. As if I needed more of a reason to hate Katie, this one feels the most valid.

Kristen, Brittany, Stassi, and Scheana all arrive at the alterations shop to try on their bridesmaids dresses, and I have zero opinions about them.

Y’all know that’s a straight up lie - however, I don’t think these are the worst bridesmaids dresses I’ve ever seen. They’re grey satin, with a halter neck that Brittany is busting out of, and a slit so high these girls definitely can’t wear underwear. The fabric looks cheap, and the lace-up silver heels don’t help matters much. I love the color, the pockets and the length, though and yes, Katie - it is hard to find a dress that’s suitable for eight different body types, but maybe next time don’t have so many fucking bridesmaids? Maybe?2

Alas, we get further clues into how Katie and Tom funded this wedding - a sponsored scene at a Dylan’s Candy Bar where Tom’s collecting candy for the favors! We’ve already seen this once, with Scheana and her wedding, so I hope Dylan Lauren is getting her moneys’ worth. Jax picks out candy corn, as if I didn’t hate Jax enough.

Let me talk to you about candy corn. Candy corn is the god damn fucking devil’s candy. It’s not even candy. I firmly believe Yankee Candle sells all their extra wax-bits to candy companies and they’re like “Oooh, we have stock for next year’s candy corns!!!” What the hell flavor are candy corn even supposed to have? Sugary death? You know who probably liked candy corn? John Wayne Gacy. That guy who kept his daughter in the basement for years and had children with her. Steve Bannon. There are a million other ways to get a sugar craving fixed other than eating candy corn. Go make out with Mrs. Butterworth, for god’s sake. Candy corn is the reason we have the president we do. Candy corn is the reason we cannot have good things. It tastes like asshole. No, candy corn. No.3

Jax redeems himself immediately by loving on sour belts. I love all sour candies. I know Tom Sandoval is all “sugar-free, blah blah blah” but there’s zero fat content in Sour Patch candies. My friend with a massive eating disorder in high school taught me that. Sure, it’s a ton of sugar and chemicals that probably aren’t great for you, but zero fat. I’d rather eat that than ever eat a sugar-free Lemonhead.

I have opinions about candy. They are controversial. Mostly that Snickers are overrated and Butterfingers don’t get the proper respect they deserve. When did this become a candy blog?

Stassi was having anxiety about not having a date to the wedding, but she’s not concerned anymore. She just wants to have fun with her friends, and weddings are also great places to meet eligible bachelors. And she’s right and all, but she’s also… going to the wedding of her two best friends? I doubt there is going to be anyone there that Stassi hasn’t met, and if she hasn’t met them… they’re probably someone’s date. She’s fooling herself. Anyway, Scheana’s still trying to pretend that her marriage is perfect and there is some editor just relishing every time they have footage of her saying things like, “Shay and I went to therapy ONCE, and we never needed to go again. We learned to communicate.” Yeah, like how he communicated that he was stealing all your money and disappearing, Scheana? Like that? The cameras cut to Stassi looking hilariously bewildered, just like the rest of America. In all seriousness, though, watching the giddiness and excitement they all have as the wedding gets closer just makes me even more angry. They are ALL, and especially Katie, excited for a wedding and not even a marriage. Even Tom Schwartz is like, “All we need to do is get up there and do the damn thing,” as if they’re going to play chess and not make a life-long4 commitment after you “do the damn thing”. He’s excited to get drunk with his friends in a suit, Katie’s excited to get drunk with her friends in a dress, and neither of them seem to be particularly excited about being legally bound to the other for the rest of time.5

We’re back at Sexy Unique Restaurant, where Katie and Scheana are talking to Jax, and we get another moment of Scheana Schadenfreude when she’s like, “yeah, our first year of marriage was shitty, but at least we got through it now instead of ten years down the line where there are kids around.” Clearly that didn’t work out. Scheana wants to go to a fertility doctor, though, becuase hopefully by the next year, she’ll be pregnant and have a house.

I AM CRYING LAUGHING. OH MY GOD. And I laughed even harder when Jax, who is so old that his mom went into a shallow hole in the ground covered in animal skin and his dad pushed on her belly to get him out like the polar Eskimos, was like, “I’m pretty sure Shay has to be in the same ROOM as Scheana to make a baby.” Sex Ed, with Jayson “Jax Taylor” Couchy.

There’s a completely unnecessary scene of Lisa Vanderpump riding a horse up to Sexy Unique Restaurant, lead to another scene of Lisa pretending she has any involvement with the regular day-to-day ongoings of the restaurant. She catches a glass of sangria headed to a table, and damn, if that isn’t a short pour. There isn’t even any fruit in there. Lisa claims that Sexy Unique Restaurant has “the best pours”, but this articleshows me that their most popular drink has exactly 2 oz of vodka, and according to my bartender brother, that’s a very generous pour. I’m genuinely shocked, considering Sexy Unique Restaurant is basically just a tourist trap in WeHo. Good for you, Lisa, giving your customers what they deserve. For the prices they charge, I BETTER be getting a fucking double. Jax admits he fucked up - but not after at least trying to blame someone else by asking if someone drank out of it, Classic Jax - and then decides that at work, in the middle of his shift, he’s going to tell Lisa about Scheana’s decision to freeze some eggs. This seems entirely appropriate. Jax just doesn’t think it’s a good idea because... where is Shay, anyway? No one’s seen him. He’s been cynical about their marriage since day one, and mostly just wants to make sure that Scheana has the support system she needs.

Does anyone else think Jax and Scheana banged on the DL? Anyone else? Or is this the way Jax treats women he hasn’t slept with - with kindness, consideration, and overall decency?

Lisa says what she should be saying every time one of these people comes to her to talk about someone else - “It’s not my business until she makes it my business,” and tells Jax to get back to work.

Stassi’s storyline this season is Single Sexy Stassi In The City, and so she decides that she needs to have a photoshoot as a “pick-me-up”. When I need a “pick-me-up”, I go on ASOS and spend my entire paycheck. Or I go to ABC Kitchen and yell “GIMME ALLLLL THE CRAB TOAST!” Or I take a four hour nap. I don’t have a photoshoot. She’s going to be wearing a polka-dot mesh bodysuit and two other outfits. It’s... not the most flattering look, but she rocks it in the best way possible.

Remember last week when I was like, “Where is Lala? Where is James?” As soon as James came back, I just felt like screaming. Just the sound of his accent is so grating to me. If I didn’t have to write this blog, I would just fast forward through it. So instead, I’m gonna get a beer so I can suffer through this. James may not drink anymore, but I have to drink in order to tolerate him.

Okay, I’m back, and I have my beer. James is meeting with his walking vocal fry of a girlfriend and her mother and her sister, who I could have sworn was Kelly Dodd from Real Housewives of Orange County. I hope someone gets called a cunt at this dinner, and the likelihood is even higher now. James tells us the difference between Raquel and Kristen - Raquel is a queen, Kristen is “like a hooker that you fuck on the hood of your BMW in a car park,” which in case you forgot - ACTUALLY HAPPENED BETWEEN KRISTEN AND JAMES. James, it’s not an insult if it actually happened and you didn’t pay her. Basically, James admits that he doesn’t have a job because he got fired for having a hair-trigger temper and couldn’t stop getting into fights and his job. Remember: he’s saying this to his girlfriend’s mother and sister. If my boyfriend admitted any of this to my family over dinner, my mom would look at me, and say, “Who is this unemployed white boy that can’t even hold down a bus boy job in their mid-twenties, Amanda, are you smoking crack? Get him outta here.” and I would do so promptly and then sit down and finish my pesto pasta6 while we listen to Luther Vandross.

James tries to smooth it over by being like, “I love your daughter, and I love you all too, you’re my family,” when her mom shows some (deserved) skepticism. He actually cries when they say they trust him (WHY) and he says that he sees a future with Raquel. I am cackling. Can you spend your life with a vocal fry? I mean, Kanye West did it, so why can’t the White Kanye West7?

Katie is wearing one of the worst outfits I have ever seen her wear - a lilac maxi dress over a navy t-shirt - and they’re getting ready to head up to the wedding venue. Another sign that the planning of this made no sense - they’re bringing the cake up with them, two days before the wedding even is set to take place. That cake is gonna be nasty by the time they cut into it. They’re spending $50k on a wedding but not... having... the cake delivered? Tom wears fucking flip-flops while carrying it down the steps and nearly falls, and I’m thinking, “YOU COULD HAVE PAID SOMEONE TO CARRY THIS FOR YOU.”

I am straight up being Jessica Fletcher with my investigation into the Strange Planning of This Wedding, and I am LIVING.

They’re bringing a pinata with them, and Stassi’s like, “Knowing Tom and Katie, that pinata is probably full of condoms, gummy bears, Ninja Turtle action figures... maybe some weed.” And I’m like, “Do we know this about Tom & Katie? Do we?” I’ve never known them to be that kind of fun couple, unfortunately. They’ve never shown us them as that kind of couple.

Back at Sexy Unique Restaurant, Jax is behind the bar, Brittany is asking about goat cheese balls8, and... LALA’S BAAAAAAACK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! She’s been gone for two months, and Ariana is shook and not particularly happy to see her. Lala’s got a lot to say to Ariana that she didn’t feel appropriate or okay with saying over text - mostly how sorry she is for not showing up to her birthday. She says that sometimes when things get tough, she shuts down. She admits she’s not the easiest person to be friends with because of it. She’s in actual tears when this happens. Lala came by to tell Lisa to her face that she’s not going to work at Sexy Unique Restaurant anymore - I mean, I doubt she still had a job, but it’s nice to... get closure, I guess?

Lisa’s pretending to work at a computer when Lala comes in, and Lisa, much like Ariana, is SHOOK. Lisa does the classic Lisa thing where she reminds people of how much she’s done for them, but also reminds her that yeah - if you have a job, that’s a responsibility you can’t just disappear from. One of my favorite quotes of all time is from Mindy Kaling - “Sometimes you just have to put on lip gloss and pretend to be psyched.” I’ve suffered from some form of depression since I was eleven years old. In the fourteen years since my first suicide attempt, I’ve learned to cope with it. Some days it’s literally impossible for me to get out of bed. Sometimes I’m on the verge of tears at work. But I also have this problem wherein which I care far too much about what others think of me, and live in chronic fear of disappointing anyone, so I show up. I come in, and I smile, and pretend like everything’s okay. Sometimes you have to do it, and it always sucks. Lala apologizes to Lisa, who basically is like, “thanks, but you weren’t totally honest about what was going on in your life.” Lala assumes she’s talking about her personal life, and admits that sometimes she makes the wrong decisions. She starts crying and admits what Lisa wanted her to - she suffers from anxiety, and that makes her life hard to deal with. I’m crying along with her. I get this so much.

I personally think it’s massively unfair that I can’t call out of work “depressed” or “anxious”. I’m mentally ill, I’m sick. But because no one can catch depression or anxiety, that’s not a valid excuse. The stigma around mental illness has made it so that it’s hard to even admit to other people that’s what’s going on. I wish I could tell my friends, “I’m sorry, I’m anxious today, I can’t hang out.” I mean, I could, but I fear the ramifications of me admitting that. It’s hard to admit to others when you’re less than okay. When I get overwhelmed, I shut down. I stop talking to people. I go on Do Not Disturb and I lay in my bed. This is my coping mechanism, and it’s not a great one. The cruelest thing is that Lisa seems to dismiss this as if it’s just “Oh, young, kooky Lala, at it again!” and not as the real issue that it is.

I hope Lala’s getting the help and support she needs. I really do.

In the car on the way up to the wedding venue, we find out that Tom Schwartz’s dad isn’t coming along with (so he thinks) his brothers. Meanwhile, Kristen and her overly-manicured boyfriend, Carter9 are packing their bags, when Kristen drops the accidental surprise bomb about Tom’s brothers after being told by Brittany early in the episode. Jax had gotten mad at Brittany for telling Kristen, but... Jax actually has a worse track record with keeping secrets than Kristen did. Kristen was prepared to take the secret that she fucked Jax to the grave.

Katie and Tom have arrived at their Woodsy Elegance Wedding venue, where someone carries the cake, and they’re given the shocking amount of their wedding. Another clue as to the fact that Bravo is probably paying for this - they would have to at least put down a final payment two WEEKS before the wedding, not two days before. The grand total for their wedding is $51,462 and change. Remember how Tom was like, “oh, wow, I’m dolphinately not spending $50k for a wedding”?? He didn’t, technically. And they’re paying by check, which is the EASIEST WAY TO TELL THEY’RE NOT PAYING FOR THIS WEDDING THEMSELVES.

Let’s also talk about the things that aren’t included in this:

Tom & The Groomspeople’s custom suits

Those ugly ass $18 tea towel invites

BOOZE

WEED

Cake

Various forms of entertainment

Bridal party gifts and favors

Flowers

Photography

This is an $85,000 wedding, at least.

Kristen and ugh, Carter10 show up, and Tom is lamenting writing a $20,000 check when that’s the same amount he owes on his student loans. Here he is, spending it all on a party. But here’s the thing, Tom - NO ONE IS STOPPING YOU. You’re entirely complicit in this. I know your parents went bankruptbut... you can totally just say, “Hey, why don’t we put this money towards me NOT being in debt?” They probably make $20,000 extra a year just doing stupid Instagram sponsorships. They can afford it. But this won’t come up again in a fight, no sir.

Speaking of Rachael O’Brien, she came with Stassi to the wedding! Apparently she and Stassi got lost driving up in the dark and were without cell phone service, but the camera in their car was still working, so they probably weren’t that scared. She’s surprised no one cares. If people cared, it would have been more than just a blip in the episode, Stass.

It’s the day before Katie and Tom’s wedding, and they’re all eating breakfast. Tom Sandoval did the most Tom Sandoval thing, which is losing his suit and that subsequently missing his flight because of it. God, I love you, Tom Sandoval. We hear that Tom’s dad isn’t coming to the wedding because he hates flying, his brothers can’t afford to come, and his sister can’t come because she’s working - in case you forgot, Tom and Katie got married on a Wednesday.11

We see everyone in else in LA getting ready - Jax is anxious because Tom’s brothers aren’t the most reliable of people, and Scheana and Shay are... tense. Oh my god. Shay is so clearly over this group, this show, and definitely over Scheana. But it’s also strange because.. She just asked him if he wanted anything to eat or drink up there at the house, because Kristen was asking, and he exploded. Huh. At Reno-Tahoe Airport, Lisa Vanderpump arrives with Ken, Giggy, and another fluff ball12 with Pandora and Jason. They’re staying at a resort, and Lisa is astonished by the... woodsyness of it all. She and Ken discuss whether or not Tom’s going to go through with it all. We know he does, but they’re valid in their arguments - Ken mentions that yeah, they’ve never seen Tom complete any task. Ever.

Back at the house, Jax, Brittany, and Ariana arrive, sans Sandoval13, and we learn that Sandoval got to the gate right as the doors were closing, so he missed his flight and will miss tubing that day. Meanwhile, Jax and Brittany are sleeping in the parlour room, and guess what?

The Schwartz Triplets missed their flight. Of course.

To Be Continued...

See you tomorrow!

Random Thoughts From The Desk Of Amanda:

Katie is the definition of “just because it’s trendy, doesn’t mean you should do it.”

I love that they made zero reference to the fact that we’ve seen them at Dylan’s Candy Bar Before - with Scheana.

Has no one told Tom Sandoval that sugar-free candy gives you the shits? Someone send him a bag of Haribo Sugar-Free Gummy Bears.

I never thought it possible that there could be someone less motivated that Tom Schwartz, but... his brothers seem to be a mess.

And by Katie, I mean BRAVO PRODUCTION because none of the planning of this wedding is making any sense. ↩︎

This whole wedding has been an exercise in Katie showing off how Pretty and Popular she is. Most people don’t use their weddings to show off to their high school bullies, but then again, most people aren’t on reality television. ↩︎

Next time on Romance vs. Reality, AMANDA GOES IN ON PEEPS. FUCK YOU, PEEPS. WHAT DID BIRDS DO TO DESERVE THIS TREATMENT? ↩︎

Or in their case, twenty-six-month-long - I’m giving them a strong estimate, knowing they probably won’t last that long. ↩︎

God bless the people I associate with, because I don’t think any of them would get married just for a party. It helps not to romanticize things like that. ↩︎

Is it basil season yet? I would die for some of my mother’s pasta. ↩︎

I have refused to call James this on my blog because he calls himself that, but... I really couldn’t help myself. ↩︎

I have a high standard of cheese that has been deep fried - I will fight anyone over the last Three Cheese Ball from Olga’s Kitchen, a metro Detroit classic - but I weirdly doubt the goat cheese balls at Sexy Unique Restaurant are anything special. Now I want Olga’s, though. God damn it. ↩︎

Carter has literally done nothing this season but I fucking HATE him. I love a put-together dude, I am so pro-metrosexuality or really, men putting effort into their looks - hell I adore Tom Sandoval for doing so - but god, I really feel like Carter spends hours on his face. I bet Kristen is always on top when they have sex because Carter spent all his energy shaving. I hate Carter and his white supremacist haircut. ↩︎

Next season, I hope Carter goes with Rachael O’Brien and Vail Bloom into the Vanderpump Dungeon of Doom. ↩︎

Straight up though - why aren’t these people in the bridal party, either? In either of my brothers’ hypothetical weddings (that will never happen but still) if their respective partners don’t put me in their wedding parties... I mean. That’s lifetime beef. That’s forever beef. I would never say that directly to them, but... some things you never forget. ↩︎

Sometimes I’m worried about the lack of agency Lisa Vanderpump’s dogs seem to have. ↩︎

Sansdoval. ↩︎

#vanderpump rules #reality tv #tv recaps #this recap is so late #ONE DAY I'LL GET ONE #let's call it an amuse bouche

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What We’re Still Not Teaching Kids About Consent

If I’m remembering correctly, sex ed in the ’80s consisted of the following lessons:

— First grade: Tell someone if a grownup (who isn’t a doctor) touches your private parts

— Fifth grade: You’re going to bleed from your private parts one day, catch these free diaper-sized maxi pads as we lob them at your head

— Tenth grade: You know what sex is, right? Don’t do that unless you like making babies. And if you’re going to have sex, wear a condom because of AIDS. Good luck!

If you’re wondering where the big lessons on consent were, so am I. If I’m being generous, I can conjure up a fuzzy memory of a tenth-grade coach/teacher in belted short shorts telling the boys in the room, “Guys, no means no. I mean it.” And that would have been the final word on the subject, because we all thought we were using the same language when it came to consent. Yes was yes, no was no, where’s the confusion?

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The confusion, as we’ve mentioned before, is in how pop culture tells men that no really means “maybe, try again,” and tells women that if you didn’t say no hard enough, you probably didn’t mean it in the first place. Maybe work on your communication skills, body language, and drinking schedule for next time, girly. The confusion comes in real-world situations in which body parts are already slippery and engorged and you want this but not that, and you aren’t sure how to say you want this but not that. The confusion comes when no one teaches that “maybe,” “not yet,” “let’s just kiss” and *gentle push to create distance* should be treated as “no,” full stop.

Consent is sticky and confusing not just because sex itself can be sticky and confusing, but also because we haven’t given future sexual beings the language, tools, or authority to communicate what they want out of sex. And yes, when I say “future sexual beings,” I mean kids. This is a column about kids and sex.

I’m sorry.

No, I’m not.

Parents, it’s on us to do better by our kids. Because lessons about consent start on Day One.

Teach Your Kids That They Don’t Owe Anyone Hugs And Kisses

Day One of Parenthood: So you’ve got a floppy-headed baby who can’t see straight, can’t do anything but sleep, cry, poop, and latch (if you’re lucky), and is basically a hair scrunchie in human form. Day One isn’t the best day to start teaching consent, I guess. Whatever, let’s fast-forward.

Skip ahead to Day 730ish. Now you’ve got a toddler, and this toddler is so effing cute that you’re considering renaming them “Pixar.” We’re talking about chipmunk cheeks, 20 perfect square teeth that aren’t crowded or decayed in any way, a big fat Buddha belly accentuated by a onesie that this child has no shame in wearing, turkey drum limbs, and a Frankenstein gait that only makes them more squeezable. I just LOVE TODDLERS SO MUCH. Parents, I want to hug your squishy toddlers.

Also, I’m your problem.

Your job as a parent is to teach your child that that they own their adorable squishy bodies, and that grandmas, aunts, uncles, fun cute adult friends who seem to pose zero harm (like me!) aren’t deserving of their hugs just because they’re big and nice and want the hugs.

Let’s put it this way: When you’re a toddler, every other human is a Mountain. Not necessarily the Mountain who gave birth to the Mountain who gave birth to you, just a huge mass of someone who isn’t your mom or your dad. For some babies, that distinction is wiped away quickly, and hugs and kisses are as naturally forthcoming as the poop that defies gravity to land mid-back while their parents are trying to enjoy a night at Olive Garden. That’s why you, the parent, have to start giving your child options about hugs and kisses as soon as they’re big enough to understand “yes” and “no.”

Here’s a dramatic reenactment of a conversation that’s happening somewhere in the world at this very second:

Mom: Give Grandma a hug.

Child: *Frozen, suspicious and belligerent*

Grandma: Awww, can I have a hug? I flew across the country to see you! *Holds flabby arms out*

Mom: Give Grandma a hug or you can go to your room until you’re ready to be nice.

Grandma: No, it’s OK. *Mimes wiping away fake tears for dramatic effect*

Child: *Gives robot hug*

When I was a little kid, the consequences of disappointing an adult by not giving them physical affection could have ended with a guilt trip, an earlier bedtime, or worst-case scenario, a spanking. When my parents were kids, I’m guessing they were sent to the coal mines if they let down their older relatives in the hugging department.

The point is that we’ve trained children to think that when it comes to something innocent like hugs or tickling (when the whole point is how much the kid doesn’t want it), an adult’s feelings are more important than a child’s personal space. If you want your kid to say “no” with authority and confidence in the backseat of a driverless car ten years from now, they have to get practice saying no in general. More importantly, they have to know that hurting Grandma or Miss Kristi’s (that’s what kids call me sometimes) feelings is much less important than listening to their own gut.

By the way, I’m not advocating for adults to glue their arms to their sides and bow in deep respect every time they encounter a toddler. If I get to meet your toddler, I’m going to do what I always do: Sit on the floor and play with them and ask for a hug at the end of the visit. And if they say no or hesitate, I’ll back off and maybe ask for a high five instead. I’ll be fine. Your job as a parent is to give your kids lots of practice at turning people like me down so that they’re really good at saying no when the stakes are way higher.

Grandmas, grandpas, aunts, uncles, cherished friends of children, the same message goes to you. Do not make a child feel guilty for not wanting to give you a hug, even if you gave them a really cool present.

Teach Your Kids That No One Can Hit Them (Not Even You)

Oh, we’re going there.

When my kids were little, we had a Biblical(ish) approach to parenting, and discipline included spankings. Back then, my husband and I agreed that spankings (or pops on the bottom, as we called them) were a good tool for teaching a lesson when a child did something that could get them hurt. Running out into the street, for example, would get a pop on the bottom. (And we were usually talking about a weak slap on a diapered booty.) The logic was that the fear of getting a spanking combined with the pain of the spanking would create a memory that would make them never ever want to run into the street again.

Unfortunately, once you’ve allowed yourself to hit someone as a form of discipline or instruction, you don’t always follow your own rules, because you’re also human. Did we also give reactionary “spankings” in anger? Yes, once or twice because we’d opened the door to spankings and didn’t manage ourselves as well as we should have. Did we give “spankings” on non-diapered bottoms to kids who weren’t running out into the street but were mouthing off? Sadly, yes.

I regret allowing spanking in my home because A) spankings allowed my kids to see the very worst version of me, and B) research is revealing that spanking is tied to aggressive behavior, lower self-esteem, and increased mental health problems. I know the Bible says that kids who don’t get spanked grow up to be spoiled, but if your best tool for raising nice children is to hit them when they’re bad, you maybe shouldn’t be raising kids? And maybe stay away from dogs too while we’re at it.

Actually, let’s drop the word “spank” altogether for a minute, because it’s a euphemism for hitting, and we should be honest with ourselves when we hit another person, especially a child. As a child, you’re told that hitting other kids is bad and that kids who hit are bullies. But if you’ve been bad, your parents, grandparents, and sometimes your principal can hit you, and that’s OK because they’re big and old and in charge. The most basic, fundamental standard of human decency we’ve come up with throughout human history — do unto others as you’d have done to you — doesn’t apply to children.

So how do childhood spankings tie into consent in sexual situations? A kid who received spankings goes into adolescence and adulthood with the memory of being physically punished for being disobedient. They know what it’s like to get hurt for disappointing someone they love and trust. They know that it’s possible for people they care about to hurt them if they do something wrong. Ultimately, they were raised to believe that no one should hurt them unless it’s someone they love.

How does that lesson not make its way into the bedroom?

If we want our kids to walk into their first sexual experiences with the confidence to say no if they want to say no, we should start by practicing what we preach in the decades before the moment happens. “No one is allowed to hit you, not even me. You are in charge of your body, all the time, even when you’ve done something wrong. There is nothing you can do that will make me hurt your body, because that’s now how we treat each other.”

If you take spankings off the table, your child never gets taught that authority figures are allowed to hurt them if the conditions are right. Or that big people are authorized to apply their own internal logic of when it’s OK to hit and when it’s not OK to hurt their bodies.

Speaking of authority figures …

Teach Your Kids That Authority Figures And Heroes Can Be Bad

As of this writing, Larry Nassar, the doctor who used his position to sexually assault at least 120 young gymnasts, has been sentenced to 40-75 years in prison for his crimes. He won’t have the opportunity to serve those years until he finishes his 60-year sentence for the child porn charges that came before. I know. I hate him too.

It’s important to note here that this Nassar monster doesn’t fit neatly in an article about consent, but I’m dragging his sorry name in here anyway because we’re talking about parenting, and every parent should know what this man did. Consent is something that happens between two adults who are trying to hash out how far they want to go together. Consent is not a thing when a child is involved, ever. I bring Nassar up because during his trial, his victims weren’t only pointing their fingers at him; they shed light on the dozens of moments when the system that was supposed to protect them protected him instead. We’re talking about a man who sexually abused little girls while their parents were in the room.

And these weren’t regular parents like you and me. These were the kind of parents who would change jobs, move across the country, and invest thousands of dollars into making their children’s athletic dreams come true. They reworked their entire lives around their kids. They were like, super parents. But they couldn’t tell when a doctor was molesting their babies. Why? Because the very first rule they learned in their sexual education, and the first rule they taught their own kids, was that doctors are allowed to touch private parts.

I bring up Nassar because I can imagine the thought processes of both the victims and the parents in the room when he was committing his crimes. At the heart of their misgivings about his actions was self-doubt, feeling that they were wrong for feeling uncomfortable. This man is a doctor. Self-doubt is also at the heart of every adult encounter in which one person isn’t sure of how far they want to go but they don’t know how to express themselves. For example, when a woman is on a date with a guy she’s liked for a long time and second-guesses herself when he wants to move too fast because he’s well-liked and kind.

Self-doubt doesn’t emerge fully formed in someone’s head out of nowhere. It comes from the stories you tell yourself about yourself, and how much you trust your own feelings. Nassar lasted as a predator for multiple decades because most of us are freaking little kids when it comes to submitting to authority, and Nassar was a doctor, so he was an authority. He lasted because we will do mental gymnastics to avoid confrontation with people who hurt us, and we’d rather suffer than trust our own instincts.

So give your kids some room to doubt authority figures every now and then. Let them explore the concept that grownups can be bad, because yeah, some of them are monsters. Let your kids practice saying “no,” like, all the time. You think I’m kidding, but it’s shockingly hard to say “no” as an adult, especially to someone you like.

Teach Your Kids To Read And Respect The People Around Them

I can’t speak for every other woman out there, but the Aziz Ansari date night story hit me harder than the James Franco stories or accounts of Louis C.K. masturbating in front of female comedians, even though their actions were objectively more disgusting in every way. The Ansari account was painful because his date tied herself into knots as she tried to come up with ways to say “no” without hurting his feelings, but every clue she dropped was met with “yes, but,” as if their whole date was an improv game. A woman left his apartment in tears, and he thought they had a great night 24 hours later.

Unfortunately, the story was the best illustration of a consent problem that I’ve ever seen. One person struggled to say no, and the other person didn’t read, see, or hear her struggle at all, or read it and didn’t care. While every other entry on the list is a way to help your kid not become a victim, this one is to help your kid not become a person who tries to have sex with someone who’s not into it. That’s a matter of empathy, and it can be taught.

This starts with modeling empathy over and over and over again. Read your kids’ faces and bodies, and show them that they can read their friends’ faces as bodies as well. Literally say “Your face looks sad. Are you OK?” Or “Why did your friend go hide under the slide and start crying when you were playing? What happened?” Or “I can tell you’re mad at me because I ate all of the Goldfish while you were at school. We can talk about it when you’re ready.”

If the idea of acknowledging a child’s facial expressions and body language out loud over and over again is exhausting, that’s because it is. And that’s not including the times you’re calling them out for the wrong reasons. “Wipe that face off your face” is a favorite expression in my house, because everybody hates grumpy faces. But I can’t think of another way to teach kids how to check in with the emotional states of the people around them than to just … do that. Like, all the time.

Despite what pop culture has taught us, we want boys (and girls) who want to read faces and body language and want to land on the same place as their partners. We want future adults to pride themselves on how attuned they are to the person in front of them, especially when we’re talking about sex. We want guys (and girls) who ask “Is this OK?” before they get handsy because that’s how much they respect the person they’re with, even if they just met.

Parents, don’t wait for pop culture to catch up on teaching consent. It’s not going to happen any time soon. By the time the next generation of screenwriters figures out how to write sexy scenes that handle consent really well, your kids are already going to be grown.

Feel free to check in on Kristi’s emotional state whenever you want over on Twitter.

If you have children yourself and need some help with this, authors are writing children’s books geared towards teaching them these very things. Check them out!

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Read more: http://www.cracked.com/blog/what-were-still-not-teaching-kids-about-consent/

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What We’re Still Not Teaching Kids About Consent

If I’m remembering correctly, sex ed in the ’80s consisted of the following lessons:

— First grade: Tell someone if a grownup (who isn’t a doctor) touches your private parts

— Fifth grade: You’re going to bleed from your private parts one day, catch these free diaper-sized maxi pads as we lob them at your head

— Tenth grade: You know what sex is, right? Don’t do that unless you like making babies. And if you’re going to have sex, wear a condom because of AIDS. Good luck!