#Yup. Still think censorship is not the answer.

[olderthannetfic]

I posted 13,198 times in 2022

That's 9,790 more posts than 2021!

11,477 posts created (87%)

1,721 posts reblogged (13%)

Blogs I reblogged the most:

@olderthannetfic

@jikook-real

@elfwreck

@lierdumoa

@longholyscream

That's right. The person I reblog from most is MYSELF.

I tagged 158 of my posts in 2022

#lol - 38 posts

#fic downloading project - 15 posts

#what? what? - 5 posts

#yup - 4 posts

#;) - 3 posts

#hahahahahahaha - 2 posts

#lolololol - 2 posts

#ao3 - 2 posts

#lololol - 2 posts

#hahahahahahahaha - 2 posts

Longest Tag: 118 characters

#but youtube and places are filled with bizarre-ass seemingly algorithmically generated nonsense in place of real hacks

My Top Posts in 2022:

#5

Because it’s a major cultural shift

Dude, aside from people just going “ugh, kids”, the whole point is that the assumption that sites have algorithms is a sign of how the entire internet has been ruined. It’s a major cultural shift and a terrible one.

AO3 is the opposite of obscure in fanfic fandom, and its entire existence is political and an act of resistance.

No shit people react to cluelessness about how it sorts content: how it sorts content is a conscious ethical statement.

And to answer this other person’s comment:

See the full post

9,342 notes - Posted August 7, 2022

#4

No, no, and NO.

AO3 does not live in “the cloud” because that is other people’s computers, and other people’s computers are vulnerable to censorship.

AO3 is on its own computers. It does still have to be housed somewhere, and I suppose a determined enough hater could try to find that place and go after it, but it’s a lot harder than sending spurious complaints to Amazon or whomever going “BadWrong things are hosted on your cloud service!”

Owning the servers is a core tenet of OTW/AO3.

11,289 notes - Posted July 5, 2022

#3

You keep talking about the origins of AO3 as this group effort by an actual group of people who were friends and who spent time discussing this with each other in person. It's kind of blowing my mind. Is there a post or a journal somewhere that specifically keeps record of this?

--

I'm dying.

Nonnie, seriously?

No, that's mean, I know you're serious. It's just flabbergasting how much fandom has expanded and how much there isn't a direct link to the past.

Astolat and Cesperanza floated the idea at Vividcon and various places, I think, though I wasn't going to cons in that era. We were all on LJ in those days, and Astolat made a big post nailing her theses to the door. Discussion in the comments was instant and prolonged.

A LJ com was set up to discuss. It was later renamed to otw_news, but if you go all the way back to the beginning, you can see brainstorming mess instead of official news posts.

Fanlore page linking to Astolat's post and giving a little context.

Early brainstorming: https://otw-news.livejournal.com/2007/05/

For example, here I am collecting links to older archives to look at for research when designing AO3.

Fun fact, we never intended to call it AO3. There was a whole call for name suggestions, but nothing was as evocative as astolat's original post title referencing Virginia Woolf. (For those who haven't thought about it, AO3's name is a reference to A Room of One's Own.)

Here's the name discussion

Here's the poll that came out of it

But also notice how many people voted: 562.

That's how many people cared at the time: a few hundred. Maybe a thousand if you count lurkers, but frankly, that community was not as lurkery as now. It wasn't just ten friends. It was a community effort. But what "our" community looked like at the time was vastly different. It was six degrees of Kevin Bacon astolat, not a vast sea of strangers like fic fandom on AO3 is now.

Here's an early post suggesting we ban the under 18s from the site entirely. Pity we didn't do so, given the rise of antis.

Here's the invite to a fundraising party at astolat's in NYC that following Halloween. I dressed as Amanda from Highlander, not very well.

You can tell we knew each other by looking at those comments on astolat's initial post. You can also tell how discussion-based that part of fandom was back in 2007.

The way my tumblr is now with a ton of text, back and forth, and hopping around between threads of conversation, all featuring a consistent set of faces, is very much like LJ. Most of tumblr is not.

12,529 notes - Posted February 3, 2022

#2

*cackling*

If OTW weren’t around, this wouldn’t be “scaremongering”: It would be the inescapable status quo.

25,178 notes - Posted April 9, 2022

My #1 post of 2022

See the full post

81,482 notes - Posted August 6, 2022

Get your Tumblr 2022 Year in Review →

[watch-grok-brainrot]

wrt the new discourse on zhiji by pumpkinpaix and hunxi, has your stance on zhiji that the other anon asked about changed?

ok. so i think it’s unfair for you to think i follow the same folk you do even if i recommend them and that i read everything from them. while the first one is true, i do follow both of them, i don’t read everything from them. i follow a few hundred folk and it’s just a lot to actually read everything so i just kinda look at my dash when i have bandwidth (i don’t have much lately) and see what i see.  if you could actually link me to things in teh future if you want my opinion, that would be greatly appreciated. i’m not mad -- just pointing out different folk curate their tumblr experiences differently. 

Anyway, I found @pumpkinpaix‘s post and skimmed it. I didn't see an addition by hunxi. Maybe I wasn't looking hard enough... ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ it’s 6:30 am when i started this endeavor. cut me some slack. lol

tl;dr: my feelings haven’t changed. i don’t actually think my stance is that different. the point cyan made about "to use “soulmate” as a catch-all translation for 知己 changes the axis upon which the relationship moves” is more or less what i was trying to say when i rambled about all the different ways i would translate soulmate depending on context. I did say “if I were to see it in a novel or show I was trying to translate, I may translate it differently each time.” 

also, the goals of our posts were different. cyan wants to vent and contemplate and hers is a salt post. i was toasting in a warm fuzzy spot of shan he hell and wanted to share the joy and love. so of course out answers are gonna sound different.do i agree the way the english speaking fandom uses soulmates misses the point? yup. am i gonna do something about it? nah. i am so tired right now from irl. fandom isn’t something i want to spend excess bandwidth on to make myself upset. 

i get cyan’s ire. she is valid. I think cyan’s solution to translate as some sort of knowing/to know works fine. it changes the key word from a noun to a verb but it’s a nice solution if it works for her. 

cyan's point that the fandom misconstrues things and applies all the English connotations to Chinese concepts and then leans in on all the (inaccurate) english concepts while ignoring the layers of connotations of that original word is spot on. I don't think I'm quite as angry as cyan had managed to get over this one translation choice... But 1) you end up getting whiplash about different things (my annoyance lately is found family and yi-based family vs actual blood relationships and how fandom just throws familial terms around and remove all subtlety... and THEN get upset when you ship yi-based relationship folk because it’s suddenly incest? uh... what?.... *breathes in* but i’m not gonna make this a salt post....) 2) I agree it is an inherent problem with translation:  remember there are often not 1:1 translations of words from one language to another. i still maintain there are times where the word soulmates work but zhiji lets you pretend it’s never romantic if you need to. the lu xun line was not a romantic one, iirc. but i have seen soulmate, the person who knows me, bosom friend, kindred spirit, etc and they are all valid. even “this person SEES me” or “someone who gets me”, “someone i vibe with” works depending on context. as i said in my post, i would translate zhiji on a case by case basis. and let me be a little cheeky: if we don’t really look at what we’re translating and picking the words on a case-by-case and contextual bases, we risk producing something that sounds like MTL.  

anyway, i don’t really know where i’m going. this ask dragged me out of bed way too early and now i need to shower and start my day. 

have a good day nonny. and anyone else reading this. remember if you don’t actually know the language and culture, please be careful in the assumptions you make that aren’t crack posts.

i also know i leaned into the “how did this get past censorship” stuff for shl -- but the things i posted about are actually tropes/references that are usually romantic applied to wenzhou. the soulmate things is cute but i read a LOT less into the use of a single word than all the visual clues in that show... i’m still rambling. crap. need to shower. 

[kolachess]

DMBJ 2010 Nangongling Interview Translated

I’ve finally (poorly) translated the infamous Nangongling interview with Nanpai Sanshu (aka Xu Lei, author of DMBJ)! 

This is where that famous quote, ‘My lifetime, in exchange for you a decade of innocence and purity’ comes from. More on that here.

Interview Context: First off, in case you don’t already know, NPSS started DMBJ off as a fanfiction. And more on that here. Hence, his style of engagement with fans will be much more direct and why he’s very... knowing of the fandom world. And why the interview does not hesitate to ask about pingxie.

This interview seems to have been conducted somewhere on the internet in 2010 or nearing it. Although I couldn’t find more confirmation on its ‘authenticity’ so to speak, I also haven’t seen anything to the contrary that this might be made up. (Chinese internet is a strange, strange place...)

Here’s the version I’m basing this off of.

Translation Context:

Ok first, I’m a native Chinese speaker, but grew up in the US and not fluent in reading / writing. I am not at all familiar with a lot of idioms, let alone internet slang and pop culture references (of which there are a lot in this interiew), so there will be a lot of guessing. Anyone who knows better, free free to point it out.

Text Legend:

Parenthesis indicate actions / reactions. E.g. (smiles awkwardly)

[TN: ...] are my notes

[??? some words ???] indicate major uncertainty in translations

== or =w= and such symbols are emojis from the interviewer

Original text sometimes had random forward slashes in between what seems should be one word / term. My guess is it might be to skirt censorship?

Names Context:

They use a lot of different ways to refer to the various characters and NPSS

The interviewer calls NPSS ‘Your Majesty’ or ‘Sanshu’ a lot. But Sanshu can also refer to Wu Sanxing... so it gets confusing a bit.

Zhang Qiling can be anything from Menyouping to Pingzi to Lao Meng to Meng... just... anytime there’s ‘Meng’ or ‘Ping’ or ‘Zhang’ it’s safe to assume they’re referring to ZQL.

Wu Xie is often just Wu Xie or Tianzhen

Nangongling is the name of the interviewer

Interviewer:

Interviewer: Your Majesty, come interview. After this, we’ve got to sleep.

NPSS: OK. Let’s go. Be gentle.

Interviewer: Oh Your Majesty, you’re so shy.

※※※※※※※※※※※※※※※※※※

Interviewer: If we may ask Sanshu, is DMBJ ultimately a tragic or happy ending?

NPSS: For some, a tragedy. For some, a regular drama. For some, a comedy. For some, an absurdity.

Interviewer: That’s no different from not answering! ==

NPSS: But that’s the correct answer.

※※※※※※※※※※※※※※※※※※

Interviewer: What’s the relationship between Tianzhen and ‘It’? Your Majesty, care to give a spoiler? ==

NPSS: No relationship. [TN: ‘No relationship’ and ‘No problem’ are the same phrase, hence the subsequent answer.]

Interviewer: Then go ahead and tell us. =w=

NPSS: No relationship.

Interviewer: … No relationship?

NPSS: Yup. No relationship.

Interviewer: … ==

※※※※※※※※※※※※※※※※※※

Interviewer: If we may ask Sanshu about the plan for DMBJ, when might you finish it?

NPSS: 2010.

NPSS: The problem is…

Interviewer: What?

NPSS: There is an unexpected situation.

Interviewer: Don’t give us cliffhanger sentences. Just tell us. ==

NPSS: Maybe [??? Something about being possessed ???]. I might work on it till 2050.

Interviewer: Hey!

NPSS: It’s great.

Interviewer: Might as well make it a Gundam series. [TN: Gundam is referring to the Japanese anime series. I guess they’re making a joke about how he should turn it into a never ending universe / entire franchise.]

NPSS: Conan never grows up. Wu Xie will never get old either. [TN: Conan is referring to Detective Conan, another Japanese anime series.]

NPSS: Even when you all become old, Wu Xie in the book will still be pursuing the answer to all the mysteries.

Interviewer: And if it’s with Lao Meng forever mutually loving and caring, then we have no objections.

NPSS: Fifty years, Golden Wedding  [TN: Think he’s referring to Golden Wedding as the 50th anniversary].

Interviewer: Yes, yes. Don’t know if there will be a son. (Tea) (Silence) [TN: I guess the actions indicate ‘sipping tea awkwardly in silence’]

Interviewer: Alright, His Majesty has become shy. Let’s continue onto the next question.

※※※※※※※※※※※※※※※※※※

Interviewer: If we may ask what the Menyouping’s ending will be? Will he find his memories? Continue to live on? Your Majesty can’t because of Classmate 370 [TN: Rumors are this is NPSS’s classmate? Potential prototype for ZQL? See ref.] once scorned your [??? finger ???], you end up holding a grudge?

NPSS: Whether or not you can ‘fujoshi’ for 50 years is uncertain. [TN: Word is ‘fu’, which literal = ‘rotten’; but refers to fujoshi. AKA he’s questioning how long they’ll ship pingxie for.]

Interviewer: No worries. In the future, there will appear a lot of Li Yinhe grannies. [TN: Seems to refer to this LGBTQ activist.]

NPSS: Hands / feet have not fallen off, OK? [TN: I’m not sure what this is referring to lol. Maybe some play on the rotten nature of fujoshi.]

Interviewer: Hands / feet… the whole body?

NPSS: The meaning of ‘entirely not fallen off’ is ‘entirely not fallen off’. [TN: Idk I’m lost...]

Interviewer: … ==

Interviewer: Your Majesty, your resentment for 370 is too deep…

NPSS: Menyouping’s ending will definitely surprise you all. It’s definitely not something that can be conceptually considered at all.

Interviewer: Could it be that he really will be mutually loving and caring with Tianzhen? == It’s not in concept…

NPSS: Hn. That’s a nice thought. [TN: Tone reads a little like ‘ha, as if’.]

NPSS: Like, turn him into a woman or something. Or is it Wu Xie who turns into a woman?

NPSS: “Actually, I’m a flat-chested Mary Sue.” [TN: Lol, yes. They refer to Mary Sue omg.]

Interviewer: … hey now… == Speaking of Mary Sues, after Yun Cai is it Xiu Xiu? Your Majesty, you wouldn’t gift Yun Cai to Lao Meng, and Xiu Xiu to Wu Xie, right? ==

NPSS: Maybe I’ll write Lily stories. [TN: I think Lily stories refers to femslash / stories between two females.]

NPSS: Don’t underestimate my pervertedness.

Interviewer: I’ve never underestimated it… (serious)

※※※※※※※※※※※※※※※※※※

Interviewer: If we may ask what Sanshu’s current weight is? Are you losing weight? Hahahah (Hands akimbo)

NPSS: Now it’s probably a little less than 200 jin. [TN: ~220 pounds.] I’m always in the middle of losing weight, but fat really likes me.

Interviewer: Your Majesty, you should continue to make effort to cosplay Pangzi.

NPSS: I think I will exceed Pangzi’s category soon, cosplay a huge monster instead.

※※※※※※※※※※※※※※※※※※

Interviewer: When will the DMBJ movie be released? Who will play Pingzi? To be honest, I don't want to watch. ==

NPSS: Probably around 2015. I don’t know. Hope it’s not [??? black people ???]. [TN: Yeah that’s what it says, but idk if it’s a reference to type of personalities or it actually is referring to skin color. Wouldn’t surprise me if it were a racist remark. China, sigh.]

Interviewer: Could it be there really will be a movie?

NPSS: Probably.

Interviewer: In America?

NPSS: I can’t say I understand / know Hollywood’s situation.

Interviewer: So it’s America… (Tears running) Too tragic!

NPSS: Hei Xiaoge [TN: Lol I think he’s saying a black young lad] is also not bad.

Interviewer: No! No! No!

NPSS: A-ning has already been designated the female lead by a foreign scriptwriter.

Interviewer: Oooh ~~~ We don’t want to see ghosts ~~~ [TN: Idk what this expression is…]

NPSS: Little D might be able to accept. [TN: Idk who Little D is… might just be a slang way of writing ‘little brother’, in which case, I still don’t know if that’s referring to himself or someone else.]

Interviewer: I guess he will squeak along with me. [TN: Again… I’m lost.] Nope cannot anymore. Next question.

※※※※※※※※※※※※※※※※※※

Interviewer: Will there be romance?

NPSS: [??? Eloquent love ???] will have porn scenes.

Interviewer: … who and who?

NPSS: Not sure yet. One party should not be human.

Interviewer: Heavy tastes, Your Majesty.

NPSS: Tentacles.

Interviewer: …… Your Majesty, are you playing some XXOO games recently? [TN: I’m just gonna assume some hentai shit here.]

NPSS: Nope. Haven’t played in a long time. Got any good suggestions?

Interviewer: [??? The imperial doctor has ghost glasses ???] [TN: Guess it’s the title?] Try it (rubs hands).

NPSS: I’m currently still holding out strong.

Interviewer: Gee… what a pity.

NPSS: You can train your boyfriend.

Interviewer: He’s already very calm.

※※※※※※※※※※※※※※※※※※

Interviewer: Pingzi is so good to Wu Xie, any particular reason? I mean deep underlying reason? For example, knowing the truth about Wu Xie’s life / existence or something. Or being entrusted by Wu Xie’s family or something. Or he thinks he’s brought Wu Xie harm and wants to redeem himself or something.

NPSS: Just doesn’t want to disturb.

Interviewer: Huh? What?

NPSS: Don’t want to disturb.

Interviewer: Disturb what?

NPSS: Tianzhen Wu Xie [TN: Remember, this means ‘innocent, naive, and pure’]. The prompt is very deep now. [TN: Sounds like he’s saying he’s given a deep hint now.]

Interviewer: Oh (Actually someone who doesn’t really understand). [TN: GLAD I’M NOT ALONE! IT’S NOT A TRANSLATION ISSUE!]

※※※※※※※※※※※※※※※※※※

Interviewer: Are there new Lunar New Year Celebratory Extras this year? [TN: NPSS writes occasional extras, and often will publish on special occasions like Lunar New Year.]

NPSS: 2010’s publishing work was too heavy. Can’t celebrate. I even wrote the outline already.

Interviewer: That’s such a pity. What about Tibetan Sea Flower. I’m still waiting for the lama that has JQ with Lao Meng. [TN: They use the term JQ here… seems like slang for something like bromance.]

NPSS: Ah little living Buddha… probably can’t write. [TN: Yeah idk what that really means…] Due to religious issues, living Buddha’s chrysanthemum is very sensitive. Huge crawling creatures will come and bombard. [TN: IDK BUT CHRYSANTHEMUMS ARE OFTEN EUPHEMISMS FOR THE ANUS AND GAY BUTT SEX SO IDK.]

Interviewer: Hey… ==

※※※※※※※※※※※※※※※※※※

Interviewer: Qinling Sacred Tree arc was too mysterious. Will Sanshu later be connected to the Sacred Tree? If so, how will you do it? I think DMBJ is not as thrilling / exciting as before. Can you still return to that previous style?

NPSS: There are no plans at present to connect Qinling. I need to settle Meng first. The core of what’s being written is his business. The excitement of DMBJ is not found in the novel but in the heart of the reader. The reader will upgrade / improve while reading.

Interviewer: Is that so… (Eats late night food) [TN: Idk what this expression means.]

※※※※※※※※※※※※※※※※※※

Interviewer: Will you still publish new books and dig new plot holes? == Besides this official vest of Nanpai Sanshu, do you have anything else? Like diving party? == [TN: Yeah idk what that means…]

NPSS: Doesn’t returning to the original style of writing offer you some thrilling / excitement? Your heart has already upgraded, it’s just that the novel is still like that.

Interviewer: Heart! ==||| [TN: Yes, this is another face lol]

NPSS: There’s still some more. Like Nangongling. [TN: Name of the interviewer, but I have no idea what this means.]

Interviewer: The watch drags me underwater. [TN: I got nothing *shrugs*.]

NPSS: Actually are we answering our own questions?

Interviewer: Haha, fun right?

NPSS: Indeed. Could it be a split personality? Never thought my hidden personality is a Fujoshi. Tragedy.

Interviewer: Hey I didn’t say my hidden personality was a perverted uncle yet. (Two bored idiots stare in silence for a few seconds) 

Interviewer: Enough. Next.

※※※※※※※※※※※※※※※※※※

Interviewer: Pingzi’s age… is it ‘uncle’ or ‘grandpa’? Anyway, I know it’s not ‘brother’. [TN: They’re referring to which generation basically.]

NPSS: Taizu Grandfather [TN: Basically hella old… great-great-great-great-great-grandfather?]

Interviewer: Wow… paleontology relic?

NPSS: Age must be in the triple digits.

Interviewer: Old monster! I like it! Just afraid that next to Tianzhen, he seems younger (talking to self)

NPSS: Tianzhen is even older. Quadruple digits.

Interviewer: Really is younger? ==

NPSS: They all end up in the museum display.

Interviewer: Does it cost anything to visit? Museums are now free / open to visit.

NPSS: After hour events charge fees. There are special programs, but the TV station will not allow them to be broadcasted.

Interviewer: Strip tease / dancing?

NPSS: No. It’s the old monster [TN: Probably referring to ZQL]  performing Xiangsheng [TN: Some Chinese duo comedy schtick]. Xie Ling [TN: I think this is Wu Xie + Zhang Qiling?] social / not-famous Xiangsheng actors.

Interviewer: Looks like it will be Two-Person Turn Opera [TN: Idk if there is an English term for this… but another type of skit it seems.]

NPSS: Wear the dancing shoes. [TN: I think it’s just this?]

Interviewer: … It’s so cold… Your Majesty…

NPSS: Zhang Wenling, Wu Wenxie [TN: Lol I guess this would be their comedy stage names. It’s extra / intentionally stupid because all he did was insert ‘wen’ which means ‘literature’.]

Interviewer: Enough… Don’t worry about this anymore. I’m gonna move onto the next question.

※※※※※※※※※※※※※※※※※※

Interviewer: Is Wu Xie the most tragic character in the entire novel? Is it inevitable that, between him and Pingzi, one of them will have to die in the end?

NPSS: Wu Xie’s fate as the most tragic is a set tragedy, but Lao Zhang doesn’t have it easy either.

Interviewer: And then?

NPSS: Delayed the inevitable tragedy.

Interviewer: And then they encountered tragedy together?

NPSS: Using [his] own lifetime to exchange you another decade of innocence and purity.

Interviewer: … (wailing) (too stunned) Lao Meng [??? became the Virgin Mary???] (smashes wall)

NPSS: I also want to get a cult.

Interviewer: Does Lao Meng really not have a crush on Tianzhen? It can’t continue like this. DMBJ is still a serious / proper drama after all.

NPSS: Nah. It’s serious / proper.

Interviewer: But what you said is crooked.

NPSS: Alright. Then let’s put it this way.

Interviewer: How?

NPSS: Comrade Zhang Qiling sacrificed his own time to save and prevent the disillusionment of a youth who was about to go astray. [TN: Yeah… not too sure about the implications of this.]

Interviewer: …. Your Majesty, you [??? use soulmates ???] [TN: I’m really not sure about this… context and definitions I found seems to indicate it’s a soulmate like thing, but also used kind of queerbaity?]

NPSS: I’ve been working real closely with soulmate recently.

Interviewer: We can tell. Next question. Best leave some room for free thought.

NPSS: It’d be fine if you just don’t post it.

Interviewer: This is iron proof of JQ! [TN: Again, some internet slang for bromance / malexmale CPs or something.]

※※※※※※※※※※※※※※※※※※

Interviewer: Are all the incomprehensible things that happened so far man-made? Or will it be explained by the supernatural?

NPSS: There’s nothing incomprehensible.

Interviewer: Probably in reference to Qinling.

NPSS: Oh. Doesn’t that count as a spoiler?

Interviewer: … then let’s skip again. Actually, I thought you already forgot about Qinling.

※※※※※※※※※※※※※※※※※※

Interviewer: What is Pangzi’s little secret?

NPSS: Xiao Pang’s [TN: Little Fat’s] tragic past.

Interviewer: What… Pangzi is also quite tragic.

NPSS: Probably a ‘fought with his best friend over a woman and was hurt very badly’ kind of relationship.  Pangzi had a very simple but tragic love.

Interviewer: Sad…. == You really can’t tell…

NPSS: A woman he promised to take care of for a lifetime and a brother he can’t help but save.

Interviewer: Pangzi has sublimed (victory fist] [TN: I assume ‘sublime’, which literally means converting from solid directly to gas, is just representative of a massive promotion or rise into awesomeness.]

※※※※※※※※※※※※※※※※※※

Interviewer: I’m always thinking of Ershu’s mysterious air. Does he know a lot of things that others don’t? I also want to know what Wu Xie’s dad does.

NPSS: [??? Location scouting ???]

Interviewer: Ershu?

NPSS: He knows some.

Interviewer: Then what about his dad.

NPSS: Location scouting. Totally innocent. Just like Jesus’s old man.

Interviewer: What kind analogy is that… == Next.

※※※※※※※※※※※※※※※※※※

Interviewer: Hey Sanshu, on Dec 9, 2009 at 02:58 in the morning I dreamt of you. Did you dream of me? …. == Your Majesty, your fans [TN: Yeah idk.]

NPSS: That night I seem to have pulled an all-nighter. I wouldn’t mind dreaming again tonight.

※※※※※※※※※※※※※※※※※※

Interviewer: Will Pingzi eventually return to being a normal human? Live on from the age of 18? Has he had a lover / children before? Yun Cai? Is Pangzi the boss or the person coming to supervise the boss (Tianzhen)?

Interviewer: Lao Meng… I’ve long since been speechless towards him. By the way, was he always this kind of stone in the latrine? [TN: I guess a saying about how he’s stuffy and expressionless per usual.]

NPSS: No. It used to be really bad.

Interviewer: …How bad…

NPSS: Like a Tibetan horse. [TN: Lol this is the literal translation but when I Googled it, Kurama from Yu Yu Hakusho came up and hahaha I guess it kind of makes sense as an analogy?]

Interviewer: Your Majesty, your definition of really bad is Kurama’s level huh…= =|| So he wasn’t born latrine stone… [TN: Ok, so background on Kurama - an infamous fox demon thief escaped into the body of a newborn child because his spirit was weakened after being hunted, and so he cohabits the body with this boy… I’m not entirely sure of the reference jousting here.]

※※※※※※※※※※※※※※※※※※

Interviewer: What happens to Pangzi in the end?

NPSS: Dies of old age.

Interviewer: How mundane!

※※※※※※※※※※※※※※※※※※

Interviewer: We want to know when DMBJ 7 will be finished?

NPSS: 3/15-20 complete.

Interviewer: (Recommends to everyone not to believe… ==)

※※※※※※※※※※※※※※※※※※

Interviewer: Sanshu, will someone die at the end of DMBJ? (Alright I only care about MengMeng and Tianzhen and believe Pangzi will definitely not be killed off). Also, just how many volumes will there be?

Interviewer: How many die, I also want to know. [TN: Lol they also use the counter word not for humans, but… something else?].

NPSS: There will be someone half-dead. Because it���s a grave-robbing novel, dying completely will never happen. A-ning died and still comes around often, right? [TN: Lol I’m not entirely sure what this is in reference to… first part he’s making a joke that people can become zombies, but second part… I don’t really recall A-ning coming back? Unless he means in mentions? Then again I’m still making my way through the novels.] Just that you go from hero to villain. I still haven’t decided how many to kill off. Anyways for the last volume, with the exception of Wu Xie, [??? anyone can be killed ???].

Interviewer:  …Just kill everyone why don’t you; it’s easier. (self-destruct) ==

※※※※※※※※※※※※※※※※※※

Interviewer: May we ask Sanshu, will Pingzi have emotional drama in the future?

NPSS: No. No time / effort for that, and communication skills are limited.

Interviewer: Ahaha….

※※※※※※※※※※※※※※※※※※

Interviewer: Normally, will Sanshu come check out our Tieba? [TN: Kind of like Chinese reddit I believe?] Do you know the Warm Fox? [TN: I did a quick search, seems like a big fandom name that interprets a lot of the DMBJ stuff.]

NPSS: Don’t know.

Interviewer: As expected…

NPSS: It’s your husband?

Interviewer: Hey don’t involve me in everything. (Flips table)

※※※※※※※※※※※※※※※※※※

Interviewer: Just out of personal interest… I really want to know if Xie Lianhuan likes Wenjin?

NPSS: Uh, yes. Very much so.

Interviewer: Then what about Wu Sanxing?

NPSS: Also likes her.

Interviewer: So it turns out to be a crime of passion… (awakened)

※※※※※※※※※※※※※※※※※※

Interviewer: Is Yun Cai just an inconsequential character? Those Huo family Forbidden Ladies won’t have some sort of emotional development with Pingxie, right? [TN: It does say Huo family Forbidden Ladies… I guess they might be referring to Huo Xiu Xiu, but not sure why there’s multiple. Also, recall that the Forbidden Lady is that tomb creature.]

NPSS: Huo family really did become Forbidden Lady professional household [TN: Maybe like a ‘firm’?]. Yun Cai’s ending is also quite tragic.

Interviewer: Indeed. If transmigrating, don’t transmigrate into DMBJ. [TN: Transmigrate is the common c-drama trope where someone in modern times / average suddenly wakes up in the body of some one in the past or something.] Female beings all have no good outcome.

NPSS: If you’ve already died once, then there’s no need to be afraid.

Interviewer: Oh yeah, will that pink-shirt show face again? (Xlaugh) [TN: Idk this expression, but I think pink-shirt is referring to Xiaohua.]

NPSS: Yes. [??? Young Lord of Solutions ???] Grave-Robbing Prince.

Interviewer: Ahhhhh~~great~~~ >///<~~ The Old Nine Gates [??? Admirals ???], right? … Then Xiao Hei [TN: Hei Xiazi / Hei Yanjing] also has a role?

NPSS: Yup.

Interviewer: The descendants of the Old Nine Gates [??? Admirals ???] are nine golden men? =w=

NPSS: One isn’t. 8 men. 1 woman.

Interviewer: The female is Huo family Forbidden Lady, right?

NPSS: Yup. Counting her.

Interviewer: So that means Tianzhen still has 7 in his harem… Damn, catching up to Cracked Pot’s bunch of shiny guardians. [TN: Idk what that is in reference to.]

NPSS: Cracked Pot? What’s that? [TN: Yay I’m not the only one!]

Interviewer: Cough Cough. Your Majesty, you don’t need to know.

※※※※※※※※※※※※※※※※※※

Interviewer: Will Sanshu come to Nanning for an autograph session?

NPSS: Nanning? Need a Nanning bookstore to invite me.

※※※※※※※※※※※※※※※※※※

Interviewer: If we may ask Lao San [TN: Still referring to NPSS], from Wu Xie’s (or Pangzi’s) perspective, where does Menyouping stand? Just a ‘person who stands on our side’? [TN: Refers to when ZQL told them he was a person on their side.]

NPSS: Now it should be like a son’s role / part.

Interviewer: What? Son? ==

NPSS: A very promising son.

Interviewer: Is Wu Xie having the ‘My son has grown up’ old mother mentality?

NPSS: Not really. More like, my son has bad memory or something.

Interviewer: Wu Xie he is indeed [??? person wife ???] [TN: Uh... term used was 人\妻 which when Googled had the first link to pornhub lol. But I think the slang used is actually this.]

※※※※※※※※※※※※※※※※※※

Interviewer: In Sanshu’s day to day, how often does you use code words? Or is it scrunching your feet and thinking on it for a month or two before coming up with something? [TN: I think they’re referring to Sanshu as in NPSS and not Wu Sanxing Sanshu?]

NPSS: It’s usually simultaneously [??? buckling ???] and eating and typing.

Interviewer: Does it taste good?

NPSS: Often get stomachaches.

Interviewer: …Very toxic huh…

※※※※※※※※※※※※※※※※※※

Interviewer: Can you fill the bit plothole of Sanshu’s storytelling? Your Majesty, do you have any filled pits? == (Hides face)

NPSS: I promised my father I would fill them before he turns 70. 

NPSS: [??? New Year’s Eve pieces ???]

Interviewer: How old is his esteemed Majesty’s father?

NPSS: 60.

Interviewer: …. (speechless)

※※※※※※※※※※※※※※※※※※

Interviewer: What kind of person is Wu Xie’s mother?

NPSS: Wu Xie’s mother is probably a strong / great woman.

Interviewer: I think so too.

NPSS: Beautiful but strict and fierce, which is why Dad is rather pathetic / a good-for-nothing.

Interviewer: Queens are great. Queens usually marry good-for-nothings. [TN: The ‘queen’ here is literally ‘female king’, so more implies a female ruler.] ==

Interviewer: In the end, did Wu Xie inherit his dad’s genes?

NPSS: Wu Xie also has a very dark personality.

※※※※※※※※※※※※※※※※※※

NPSS: I’m nearly at my limit…

Interviewer: Same here… (sleepy)

※※※※※※※※※※※※※※※※※※

Interviewer: If we may ask Sanshu, if excluding psychological factors, in terms of human nature, do you think Pingxie is suitable?

NPSS: I think, the two of them together. Neither can earn money. Parents on both side would not agree.

Interviewer: Can it not be one steals and the other sells stolen goods?

NPSS: At the very least, Wu Xie needs to get admitted to a civil service position. [TN: These are stable job positions lol]

Interviewer: Looks like Lao Meng eats soft rice! [TN: A saying that refers to men who lives off of women lol. Basically that the woman supports the man instead of the expected vice versa.]

NPSS: And also will need to buy a house in Hangzhou.

Interviewer: … Too realistic… == [TN: Lol no joke this is exactly how couples get ‘permission’ to marry each other by the families… Hangzhou housing prices are not cheap either. I was born there and visit often… those prices have gone uuuuuuup.]

(And the two are dozing off)

NPSS: Let’s end it. I can’t hold on anymore.

Interviewer: Ok…

(The physically / mentally exhausted two rolled off to sleep, interview unfinished… ==)

~ End Interview

Whew that was a long ride. NPSS is such a troll lol... 😅I don’t know nearly enough Chinese slang / internet speak to parse this properly, but the general gist is there.

[dawnbutterfly]

PC

Ok, heavy disclaimer before we start this one: I do not condone 9 year old humans drinking vodka. XD The player character in the South Park games is clearly some kind of time-traveling eldritch nightmare spawn, and nobody should attempt to imitate any of their behavior, ever.

With that out of the way, this particular one I wrote right at the beginning of Season 19, after the first episode.

Grant walked up to the ΡΩΔ frat house, a look of abject fury on his face.

He had never cared much for overly politically correct people. He had no problem with the notion of being kind and accommodating to everyone, but he was still against censorship, and was a big proponent of free speech, despite rarely talking himself. Despite that, he had tolerated their presence up to that point for their good, if misguided, intentions.

However, they had gone too far. Though he wasn't particularly good friends with Cartman, he still didn't think he deserved to be beaten until he ended up in the hospital. Worse than that, however, was their treatment of Kyle. That, he thought, was absolutely unforgivable.

He pounded on the door furiously for three straight minutes until someone finally answered it. “What do you want, k-” The man began, only to be pushed aside by the surprisingly strong child.

He looked around, finding their stereo controls. Walking over to them, he damn near put his fist through it, stopping the music dead. Everyone looked at him with surprise.

“Who among you is responsible for the treatment of Kyle Broflovski!?” He demanded at the top of his lungs.

“New Kid, is that you!?” A familiar voice asked.

“Oh, I'll deal with you later!” Grant said angrily, picking the face of PC Principal out of the crowd.

“Now, once more.” Grant said evenly, pulling out his Sweet Katana. Everyone took a step back in shock at the magically appearing sword. “Who am I going to carve up for abusing my friend?”

“N-Now, be reasonable, kid. Put the sword down!” Someone from the crowd reasoned.

“Eight Satanic Rule of the Earth: 'Do not harm little children.'” Grant recited. “Ergo, I do not take orders from scumbag child abusers!” He shouted.

One of the frats approached him cautiously. “I'm sure we can talk this out, little man.” He said.

“Do not call me a 'man'.” He said coldly, striking a certain chord with everyone in the room. “And I don't want to hear anything from you people but admissions of guilt. So unless you're putting one forward, I suggest you-”

Just then, there was a loud crash from another room, and Randy came staggering in. “H-Hey, sorry guys. It totally didn't break the thing I just broke.” He said, clearly drunk. “Hey, is that you, New Kid?”

Grants eyes shifted to an unfathomable expression. He then put his Katana back away, still amazing everyone.

“You're all a bunch of drunk idiots…” He mumbled. “I can't even bring myself to put you morons in the hospital like you did to Cartman.”

His face was blank for a moment, then shifted to a devious grin. “I'll tell you what. I've got a wager for you instead.” He said.

He pointed towards their bar. “Pick your poison, any, and I bet you I can drink any one of you under the table.” He said with a smirk.

There was a moment of silence. Then everyone burst out laughing.

“We're not gonna have a drinking contest with a kid!” One of them said.

“That's illegal!” Another said.

“So is beating a child into the hospital, or kidnapping one in the night and chaining them to a tree.” Grant said sharply, causing the laughter to die instantly.

Grant shrugged. “I took you lot for a lot of things, but cowards wasn't one of them.” He said. “Oh well, I could always just call the police.”

There was an uncomfortable silence. “Suppose we did agree to this. What's the wager?” One asked.

“If you win, I'll join your little 'PC' crusade or whatever.” Grant said. Everyone nodded. “But if I win, you all pack up your shit and leave South Park forever.” He said.

He turned to PC Principal. “And you get Victoria reinstated as our principal before you leave.”

There was murmuring, and then a few of them huddled up.

“Look, if we don't do this, he's gonna call the cops on us, and child abuse charges are no joke…” One said.

“I don't feel like ratting anyone out either…” Said another.

“Look, let's just humor the kid. Give him one or two shots, let him pass out, and we let him sleep it off.” A third said. They all nodded, breaking the huddle.

“You drive a hard bargain, but alright.” One said.

“Excellent.” Grant said. “I'm feeling generous, so I'll even let you pick your best drinker.”

They all smirked. “Well, guess that means you, Brad.”

A man stepped forward.

“Pleased to meet you, Brad.” Grant said.

Both went to the bar and sat on the stools. “Like I said, pick your poison.” Grant said.

“Vodka.” Brad said. “Let's get this over with quickly.”

The tender tentatively poured out two shots, placing one in front of each person. Brad reached for his, but was stopped before he could.

“Hold on a second.” Grant said.

Brad smirked. “Second thoughts.” He asked.

Grant didn't reply, but grabbed Brad's shot glass, downing both it and his own and slamming the glasses onto the table. Brad's eyes went wide.

“Another!” Grant said. Brad's eyes went focused, and he had the bar keep pour him two shots, downing them himself.

Each of them downed shot after shot, Brad getting nervous. This little kid was beating him!

“Ok, kid, I think we should shtop…” He said, swaying slightly.

Grant's eyes looked heavy, but he was otherwise perfectly stable. “What's wrong? At your limit already? We've only had eleven.”

Brad's eyes went wide. “You've drunk eleven shotsh!?” He asked, having completely lost count.

“If you want to tap out, just say so.” Grant said.

“Kid, this isn't healthy for you.” He said.

“It isn't healthy for you either.” Grant retorted.

“Look, we'll call it a draw.” Brad said.

“Oh for fuck's sake.” Grant said, climbing up onto the bar counter. He grabbed the bottle of vodka, half empty, from the bartender's hand and stood on the counter, proceeding to down the entire rest of the bottle in one go.

Everyone stood stunned. A nine year old boy had just drunk three times as much alcohol as their best drinker. Brad looked nauseous, then bent over and puked on the floor.

“Who else wants a shot of me!?” Grant shouted. Then looked confused. “No, wait. Shot at me!” He corrected himself, swaying forward and back on his feet rhythmically.

Everyone looked uncomfortable, seeming to be torn between absolute awe and horrified concern for the well being of the child they'd just given an entire bottle of vodka to.

“Are you… ok?” PC Principal asked tentatively.

“Fine, why do you ask?” Grant asked.

He then fell forward, to the gasps of everyone in attendance, dropping the bottle onto the counter. Before anyone could try to catch him, though, he arched his back, slamming rather hard onto the cushioned seat of his own stool at the bar, and rolled forward off it, landing on his feet unstably. Everyone winced at the impact.

“Gonna pee…” He said, walking drunkenly off into another room.

“Ok, so…” One frat said. “We all agree that that just… happened, right?”

Grant shortly returned, still staggering considerably. “Hey! I've changed my mind!” He shouted, grabbing everyone's attention.

“I've decided that you guys get to stay!” He said, seeming to relieve everyone. “If…!” He started, making everyone tense again.

He put his finger to his chin. “If what…?” He asked himself. “Oh, right! If you tone it back!” He announced.

“Learn ssome god damn nuance, stop abusing children, leave Leslie the ffffffffuck alone you asshole…” He slurred out, pointing unsteadily at PC Principal. “And if you do anything that I find objectionable, I reserve the right to kick you to the curb!”

He then staggered over to the stereo, hitting it a couple of times.

“Kid, you broke it, remember? It's not going to-” A frat began, but was cut off when the music suddenly started playing again.

“Party, frat humans!” Grant yelled.

There was a silence from the crowd, broken only by the shout of one individual. “Yeah, go New Kid! Woo!” Randy yelled.

Everyone looked around, and stared laughing uncomfortably, then jovially, and started the party up again.

Grant staggered back to the bar, picking up the empty vodka bottle. “Bar keep! Fill this with water!” Grant demanded.

The bartender took the bottle warily, and filled it up with water. Grant proceeded to down half of it in one go. “Much better…” He said.

Brad woke up about an hour later, his head throbbing. His friends soon began the ridicule.

“I can't believe you lost to a nine year old!” One laughed.

“You lost hard, too!” Said another.

“Hey, that kid's a monster!” Brad said.

“Yup, that's little old me! GNew Kid the monster!” Grant said, causing the adults to jump. They hadn't even noticed him saunter up to them.

“How did you do it, kid? How long have you been drinking?” Brad asked.

“Uh…” Grant said. “How old am I?”

“Nine…?” One of Brad's friends offered, unsure.

“Two months.” Grant said. “Fun times with him.”

“Who?” Brad asked.

“What?” Grant asked.

“You said you have fun times with someone. Who is he?” Brad returned.

“Who is who?” Grant asked.

“The person you drink with!” Brad said with exasperation.

“…you?” Grant asked, unsure.

“Man, you are really drunk, kid!” Brad's friend laughed.

“Yup!” Grant said with a bright smile. “But just you watch! I will not have a hangover tomorrow!”

“Yeah, sure kid!” Brad replied with a laugh.

“Hey, I just thought of something. Won't your parents be worried about you?” Brad's friend asked.

“Oh, it's alright! I told her I was staying at an enemy's house tonight!” Grant laughed.

Brad's group all looked between each other, and then started laughing.

The frat partied most of the night, dying down at around four in the morning. Luckily, it was a Saturday, so Grant didn't have anywhere to be.

He woke up in one of the bedrooms, seeming to have been safely tucked in the previous night. He couldn't quite remember what happened after around two, but he trusted himself not to have done anything. He smiled. He was glad to see that they had some real compassion after all. He slipped out of bed, heading down the stairs to find a few of the PC's already up.

“Hey New Kid, how you feeling?” PC Principal asked, a touch of worry to his voice.

Grant smirked. “'Fine, why do you ask?'” He parroted his words from last night. PC Principal gave him a skeptical look. Grant laughed. “I have never had a hangover, nor shall I ever.”

“I don't like the fact that you can say that…” PC Principal said.

Grant leveled a gaze at him. “For the record, I remember my little change to our deal.” He said. “You do get to stay, but I've got my eye on you all. Remember that.”

PC Principal nodded. “You won, fair and square.” He said. “Scarily, but fairly. I'm a man of my word.”

Grant smiled brightly. “Good. See you Monday!” He said cheerily, heading out the door.

PC Principal stared at the door as it started to close. “New Kid!” He said, catching Grant's attention before he closed the door. “You be careful. If you keep acting like you did last night, you're gonna get yourself killed one of these days.”

“You say that as if I haven't already…” Grant said cryptically, closing the door, leaving PC Principal in stunned silence.

Darn, looks like my attempt at frmatting didn't work. It was supposed to turn the omega sideways. >:C

[spicynbachili1]

MPAA celebrates 50 years of screwing up movie ratings

At least we can show toilets now

The Motion Picture Association of America, or MPAA, introduced a ratings system and censorship board in 1968 as a means for the industry to self-regulate the content in their movies. If you have any knowledge of the movie industry, you know it’s complete garbage. A board comprising of 8 to 13 parents, the rating system is supposed to help inform moviegoers about the type of film they are going to see. Disregarding the insane amount of power the board affords so few people, they can’t even do their job well, but that doesn’t mean the MPAA won’t smell their own farts when they have the chance.

For its 50th anniversary, the MPAA released a strange report that is one part history lesson, one part ratings data and full part masturbatory sludge. Titled “G is for Golden: The MPAA Film Ratings at 50,” the document traces the origin of the ratings board and how it has changed over the years, but is really just 46 pages of the organization patting itself on the back. I could rail on this dumb leaflet all day, but showing is always better than telling, so the rest of this article will be a few ways that MPAA really “screwed” the pooch. (The previous sentence has been amended to maintain this article’s PG-13 Rating.)

G-rated Cartoons

 Throughout that glorified press release, the MPAA states its main goal is helping parents decide what movies will be suitable for their children. This includes not only the letter rating but descriptors as well, like if there’s alcohol consumption or “ribald humour” (thanks Wayne’s World). However, when rating animated movies, the movies that children usually like to watch the most, they miss some crazy messed up stuff. Chicken Run has a character beheaded offscreen and is rated G. Tarzan has Clayton hung by vines, his dangling body visible in silhouette, and is rated G. The Hunchback of Notre Dame has Frollo sing about his desire to rape Esmerelda, has him literally sent to hell, and is rated G. I legitimately suspect that the raters didn’t watch these movies in full.

Any PG movie before 1984

PG, short for Parental Guidance, had its own extremely problematic time period as well. PG-13 didn’t exist until July 1st, 1984, so any movie not deemed extreme enough for an R got a nice PG rating. Per the MPAA, that means there may be “some profanity and some depictions of violence, sensuality or brief nudity,” but nothing too major. Yup, the face-melting scene from Raiders of the Lost Ark or the heart scene from the sequel Temple of Doom were only a teensy bit bloody, right? Even terrifying movies like Jaws and Gremlins, the latter of which scared the poop out of a 6-year-old me, nabbed a PG despite the intense violence for their time. The MPAA doesn’t even deserve brownie points for introducing the PG-13 rating as they only created it after backlash from parents and god-of-filmmaking Steven Spielberg complained.

The Death Knell of NC-17

There used to be an X rating for highly sexual and extra messed up movies, but porn co-opted the rating, so the MPAA changed X to NC-17. In part due to public perception and some theatres choosing never to run NC-17 movies, receiving that rating means the movie is almost guaranteed to make farthings in the US. The economic issue isn’t even the most destructive part of NC-17 as the rating itself causes the films to be altered from their original cut (more on that later) or people avoid it altogether. That means people didn’t see Eyes Wide Shut the way Kubrick wanted them to or experience Blue is the Warmest Colour (its own controversies notwithstanding) and it’s frank take on lesbian sexuality in its true form. The ratings board is not to blame for studios, cinemas or audiences giving NC-17 the cold shoulder, but the rating has been around since 1990 and the board has still failed to address the issues and misconceptions with it.

Disaster Movies

Now, I admit that this one is low-hanging fruit, but it’s real strange how the board gets nervous about someone’s low-hanging fruit but is a-ok okay with mass violence. They even give a pitiful non-answer in their pamphlet to address the disparity. The ultimate confirmation of this supremely messed up fact appears in disaster movies where sometimes millions of people die. The one I remember most is The Day After Tomorrow. Even in the trailer, you see a man about to be slammed to death by a car and hundreds of people being swept to their doom by a giant tsunami. That’s totally fine for the ratings board to give it a PG-13 though, because unlike The King’s Speech or Philomena, it only dropped the F-bomb once. F stands for fuck by the way, as in fuck your arbitrary rules, MPAA.

Defanging R Movies

This final point is similar to the NC-17 issue, but at a much larger scale that affects regular movie-goers. Despite the fact that over 57% of all movies rated by the MPAA have been rated R (skewed somewhat by the lack of PG-13 rating from the outset), many studios aim for the sweet spot of PG-13 so both the parents and kids can buy tickets. That means the gore will be digitally removed from a freaking Die Hard movie and force Canadian treasure Ryan Reynolds to fight tooth and nail for Deadpool to be rated R. Again, the rating doesn’t prevent anyone from seeing any movie (theatres are the ones who require ID for R movies), but the clearly demonstrated massive amount of cultural power the board holds affects how the movies are made, cut and re-cut. I’m not trying to complain about censorship or the larger issues with the studio system; I’m just saying it really sucks we don’t get to see the movies the way the people that made them want you to see them.

I’m not averse to a ratings board despite all of this. It’s true that parents have much more pressing problems than worrying if Cinderella is going to slit her step-sisters’ throat with a broken glass slipper, and proper information could help them make the decisions they think is right for their children. Unfortunately, the MPAA doesn’t do that and can even misinform parents about the content of movies all because some dad from North Dakota fears stuff like female sexuality. One saving grace about the board being around for 50 years is that parents now grew up with it themselves, probably understanding its biases and shortcomings. Except for Red Band trailers. That shit is rad!

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from SpicyNBAChili.com http://spicymoviechili.spicynbachili.com/mpaa-celebrates-50-years-of-screwing-up-movie-ratings/

[rilenerocks]

Dear Michael,

Well, here I am again. There are those who find this habit of my writing you letters to be a bit bizarre. The good news about that is that I don’t care. What a relief to be able to ignore the judgments of others. One less thing to worry about. I haven’t found any other place to lay my problems which provides significant relief.  I just need to spill this stuff out to you because my brain is spluttering right now. You know how it goes with me. Too much thinking, too much stimulation and I start boiling over with anger, disbelief, indignation and rage. You were my safe, peaceful place where I could purge myself of such toxicity and eventually slow down, let go, sink in, feel still. This time that’s happening is so over the top crazy that I have no idea how to process what I’d refer to as next. It’s not like I haven’t had my share of issues which required hard choices, or rough patches, or confusion and pain. But this atmosphere is just so utterly bizarre and isolating, both literally and figuratively. It doesn’t matter that you’ve been dead three years this month. I’ve found nothing to replace that cushiony place between us, that retreat from the rest of the world where we could soothe each other and make ready to tackle what’s next. So here I am, with another addition to the hundreds of notes I’ve written you these past few years. 

A couple of things set me off last night. Here we sit in the midst of the world pandemic. The divisions in this country are so profound. You know how many years I studied and puzzled over the Civil War. Well, effectively, it’s still raging. I’ve always known that. But the overt ugliness rearing its head across the country is hard to take. There have been demonstrations all over with protesters demanding their freedom from “house arrest.” That’s how they view the quarantine. Not a mandatory safeguard to protect human life. Rather an interference with their personal agendas.They want to be free to come and go as they please. They don’t want to wear masks and practice social distancing. Some splinter,( at least I hope they’re splinter), groups with multiple axes to grind have shown up at state houses armed to the teeth. I saw a photo of one guy at a store, carrying a rocket launcher and two handguns. The nuances of this complex virus elude so many people. The country is expected to experience 100,000 deaths by June 1st. In mere months. There’s no universal treatment, no vaccine and inadequate testing. The economy is approaching depression level statistics in terms of unemployment, closed businesses and generalized hunger. The pressure to reopen the economy is being pushed by the government. Unemployment is crushing for people and they need to work, to have incomes. But do they also have to get sick and maybe die? The stimulus package from the federal government was too small. I have no idea if the Senate will pass a Democratic bill that will cost a lot more money. The alternative? Open the country and gamble with public health.  It’s an election year and Trump is incensed that the pandemic has tanked the economy he hoped to ride to reelection. He has lied to and misled the public on so many occasions I can’t count them. Human life is not at the top of his list-that’s about power. This recent comment, circuitous ignorance, drove me over the edge.   “Don’t forget, we have more cases than anybody in the world. But why? Because we do more testing,” Trump said. “When you test, you have a case. When you test, you find something is wrong with people. If we didn’t do any testing, we would have very few cases. They [the media] don’t want to write that.” I thought I’d lose my mind.

Then late last night I got an email from the park district with this disappointing news.

Aquatics – There will be no summer pool season at Crystal Lake Park Family Aquatic Center or Urbana Indoor Aquatic Center. All aquatics programs (swim lessons, swim teams, exercise programs) canceled through July 31.

I’m so sad about this.  And I hate myself for letting it get to me. I know that there are infinitely worse things happening to all kinds of people which are so much more challenging than losing your exercise venues. There have been these memes going around which have really resonated with me.  Like the one about Anne Frank and her family living silently in an attic for 25 months to try staying alive. Or the one from George Takei about being rounded up to live in internment camps, victims of xenophobia in their home country. Not to mention the underdeveloped countries always hovering on the edges of war, famine and natural disasters. I get all this and remain conscious of the bigger picture. But I can’t help it – I’m still bummed out that I can’t swim. I don’t feel as good without the water, mentally or physically. The endorphin release that I get in the water isn’t replicated by walking. I’m glad my knees work but hitting that concrete isn’t exactly forgiving. I go to the water because it soothes me and now I have to do without it. And I will. But I don’t like it. Today I was pathetic. I drove over to the pool and just stared at its locked gates and emptiness. It’s so gorgeous there, big sky, plants, twittering birds. Sigh.

It’s hard to figure out what life will feel like when everything “opens up.” I don’t trust anything right now. If I go out wearing my mask and gloves I sometimes see people who aren’t doing that looking at me disdainfully. I guess they don’t know or care that in my mind, they are potential enemies, the people who could be the silent purveyors of the virus. It’s still spreading in our state. No one has any clue whether the summer will bring a respite as is the case with influenza. This disease is not influenza and continues to bring surprises like a new manifestation of dangerous symptoms in children. Previously they were thought to be safe. What if I could be a danger to our grandchildren? How can I know?  I hope we can all get tested soon. That would be helpful although it’s not clear whether antibodies to the virus are temporary or lasting. Am I just going to continue to lead the quarantine life just to be safe? That’s a huge change from how I’ve been trying to live since you died. After a few months passed, I realized that your valiant efforts to stay alive were what would inform the way I would live without you. After all the talking about what you wished for me, new partnership and intimacy, I knew you didn’t really get it. I could never settle for anything less than our cataclysmic, cosmic connection that defined our whole adult lives. I know you meant well and that you wanted me to be happy. But what I felt was that I wanted to live as big and hard as you did. So I started doing that pretty fast. I started traveling, mostly on my own. You and what lay between us empowered me, as it still does.

Tonight is the evening before I was to be headed to see the sights in these photos – the Mendenhall Glacier on a whaling boat and the town of Sitka. Yup. The trip of a lifetime, two and a half weeks in Alaska,  starting in Vancouver, cruising for a week and then disembarking for a land journey into Denali National Park. Can you believe it? Other than another scuba diving trip, I know you would have loved that I was going to have this adventure, something we often talked about doing together. Ironically, one of the ships that carried Covid19 passengers and wasn’t allowed to dock anywhere for a long time, was the very one I was booked on – classic, right?   So as this pandemic continues, what are the odds of my replanning that trip? Will planes and ships, effectively Petri dishes for rapid disease transmission be something I’ll be willing to risk, at least for the foreseeable future? Right now, my answer is a resounding no. And in the meantime, I’m getting older. Smack in the middle of the Covid19 death group.

I hang out in our garden, working away. Your herbs have come back every year – they smell heavenly and make me feel you’re rising up and through me, starting with my feet. I’ve already used the chives. Yes, in this lockdown time, I’ve gone back to cooking after all that time of minimal kitchen duty. I’m making your recipes, a bit fearful that they won’t taste as good, but so far I’m doing ok. I listen to music for hours. For the most part, it’s nourishing for me. Only 50 years’ worth of songs remind me of us. Every now and then I get emotionally ambushed, as my playlist is random, and then I have these great purging meltdowns on our dirt. One of your posthumous musical gifts to me is Pete Yorn who’s been doing live shows on Instagram. Did you even know what Instagram was? I know you’d be amazed to see me using Zoom for long distance family get-togethers and even meetings. Doing my civic duty like you always did, I’m now on the city’s Historic Preservation Committee. Seems fitting as I sit in our home, built in 1893. I’ve been doing some self censorship these past few months which I’d promised myself I wouldn’t do with this blog. As the world got overwhelmed by the pandemic, I stopped writing about your cancer. I felt like it might be too dark a topic when people were being subjected to this new global stress. But as I wonder how long I’m going to be around, I really want to get back to finishing our story. At least that part of our story. Having an orphan cancer and everything that goes along with it is an important topic to share. I know it’s harsh. I was looking through some of the photos that go along with it and they’re pretty brutal. How did I even take them? But they’re only part of our story. A lot came before and to my constant amazement, a lot has come after, even years after you’ve been gone.I took the pewter tag you left on my mourning quilt and put it on my keychain. I have the other X-rated one hidden away. I use your favorite towel and still sleep on my side of the bed. People tell me I’m lucky because I have my kids and grandkids around me. I know that’s true. But I don’t get to sink into them at night, and most hours of my days are silent while they blare your absence. How exactly does that work? I am without answers. All I know is that what was and is you and me still surges inside me. Just having written this provides me incredible relief. Who knew, Michael? Actually we both did – we talked about it often enough. I’m glad you’re still with me although in all candor, I wouldn’t mind something a little more concrete. But thanks for sticking around. Love you.

Spluttering Dear Michael, Well, here I am again. There are those who find this habit of my writing you letters to be a bit bizarre.