#_torigram

[mynameistori]

entry 2 (aug 16)

Hello everyone!

I’ve been meaning to write something but I think writing too often sets me up for failure and I’d like this blog to live for a while. Though I think my cyclic mental state will act as motivation for me to continue to write. Let me update you on what I’ve been doing and thinking about!

Wonderland

Yesterday I went to Wonderland (an amusement park about 40 minutes away from my house) with my nephew Little Bear (literal translation of our nickname for him haha) who’s 11 years younger than me. Fun fact: Little Bear is 11 years younger than me and my next cousin up is 11 years older than me (who we’ll call Melon in case he shows up in a future entry). I had tons of fun, even though we were only there for about 5 hours. I don’t think I’ve ever spoken so much Chinese in my life before! And what’s weird is that I probably could’ve used Shanghainese more (since I’m definitely more fluent in that) but I think I was more comfortable using Chinese with him?? Totally weird. We got there around 5 pm originally because my mom said the tickets were cheaper (they weren’t that much cheaper -- we still spent like 90 bucks for the two of us -- should’ve bought them from Costco) but I also hate being out in the sun (I hate tanning and it just makes me a grumpier person). Luckily the wind was cool and the longest line we were in was for about an hour (for the best ride, so it was reasonable). Only downside was probably going on a ride involving water first (Riptide) and getting moderately soaked such that my foot got a blister from my shoes within the first hour, which caused me to painfully limp for the rest of the night. 

I enjoy going to amusement parks like Wonderland because they force physical reactions out of me. Sound weird, but let me explain. My mental control is so strong (or my soul is so dead -- it’s pretty much the same at this rate) that I don’t experience feelings most of the time. My emotions are heavily guarded! So high thrill rides make me feel fear, adrenaline, excitement, as well as a different kind of control (because restraints make rollercoasters safe and conquerable, it feels like I’m letting myself go on an enjoyable ride from a mystical animal friend).

@_torigram

I know I linked an Instagram account and I’ve been thinking a lot about it (@_torigram in case you missed it at the top of this page). It’s mainly a place where I can post random dance videos because there’s a lot of dances I want to learn but I don’t want to post them on my main account because I’m self-conscious about my dancing and I hate watching myself dance. However, I think that having an account dedicated to this stuff will help me get over my insecurities. To maintain my privacy I’ll be wearing a hat and one of those mouth mask things and I’ll try to keep my outfit as plain as possible (or at least not wear something that someone can notice as mine).

It’s also where I’ll post my “Challenge Videos”! The story behind this is that I wanted to challenge my friend (let’s call him Cover Boy for now, but he’s also involved with the “two nights ago” story I was talking about in my last entry so I might as well just call him Pretty Boy) to do one cover a week. For those who don’t know what covers are, they’re just copying (and sometimes changing up) an original artist’s work and posting it online. So if I were to do a dance cover of someone’s choreography, I’d learn from a video of theirs and post it on my Instagram. The Challenge would go like this: I’d give Pretty Boy a song and he’d have a week to learn as much of the dance and any part of it he’d like and then post the video to Instagram (or at least send a video to me through Messenger). I think this was something I wanted to do myself for a while, and after seeing him do something like this casually on his Instagram (he’s done two) made me want a buddy to do this with. He’s been extremely stressed recently though, so I told him I would hold off for a little longer before presenting him with this. Hopefully he’d be down to do it, but I’m pretty sure I’d continue without him. It’ll mostly be kpop dance covers, so sorry to those who hate kpop! As for vocal covers, they’d be in English because I’m not confident with my Korean pronunciation, haha. 

I’ll post on the Instagram before the summer ends (likely sometime next week, when I head back to Waterloo for my last few part-time shifts for the term), so keep an eye out~ I’ve got a couple of dances ready but I’m not good at learning from videos (I’ve learned from teachers pretty much all my life so dissecting videos frame by frame is so tedious -- props to y’all who do this on a regular basis) so hopefully I can keep a good pace with releasing the videos. We’ll see how everything works out!

Meteor Garden

I recently started watching Meteor Garden 2018! I’ve always been a huge Hana Yori Dango fan -- I think i’ve watched the whole thing at least 3 times and refused to watch the taiwanese and korean versions because to be honest, the japanese cast looks the best and the manga is Japanese. Also, Matsuda Shota was in it and Liar Game (which he’s also in) is one of my all-time favourite dramas. It might be my top actually… I decided to watch the Meteor Garden remake mainly because it was on Netflix and because it takes place in Shanghai. It takes me back sometimes because I always try to guess where this is taking place and how hard it must’ve been to shoot some of the scenes because of how populated Shanghai is, haha.

This drama also helped me feel a lot better because it made me think about something other than my own shitty life and it made me laugh a lot. It also made me think about my ideal guy I suppose. I think I have a better idea as to what kind of guy I’d want to date next or even settle down with. I don’t know if I should type some traits out for you… hahaha. Well, I guess I might as well since this place is pretty private and I shouldn’t be so uptight (?) about this stuff. Sorry for the organization of this next section, it might be a bit wonky. I’m trying to work it out in my head but it’s still pretty messy. Let’s call him IB for Ideal Boy.

LOOKS: I don’t think I’ve ever been picky about looks with my previous boyfriends, but I’d like IB to be more of a pretty boy (not referring to Pretty Boy in any way, haha though he does fit the description) with a lean build. Someone that can turn heads when dressed up. I would like him to be taller than me (I’m pretty tall to begin with at 167 cm), but I’ve dated shorter guys before. I think I haven’t been picky about looks in the past because I don’t consider myself to be beautiful. I don’t think I’m ugly per se, but I think I’m pretty darn average when it comes to looks (though others call me pretty).

INTELLIGENCE: I’ve been involved with (dating/friends with benefits) 6 boys in the past and 4 of them were/ended up as engineers (it would be 5 but he got kicked out of engineering, good riddance because he was a rude dude), so I guess I like smart boys. I don’t think having a university degree says anything about how smart you are. I’d just like someone to exchange opinions with, someone who can hold a conversation and be curious about my life (because I’m unfortunately not that talkative), and someone who’s just as clever, crafty, and witty as me. I’d like IB to be knowledgeable about what he likes/dislikes as well as “street smart” I suppose. I would want him to be able to show me all of his favourite spots and go-tos in whatever city we’re in.

HUMOUR: I think my humour is pretty dark? I don’t know what to say about humour but I’d like IB to have a similar sense of humour to me (or at least get my humour) and to know when to stop joking around because I’m generally quite serious and hate it when people don’t take me seriously (thanks mom and dad).

ROMANCE: I like pet names (call me sweetheart, babe, and princess, IB) and stealing his clothes (why are boy’s clothes so darn comfortable???). I also like eating nice food and sharing everything we eat so we can try more dishes. I like holding hands in public, forehead and neck kisses, and back hugs. I like cuddling, making out in bed for hours, and getting touched all over (okay except for my left ribs - scoliosis problems - and my knees - they’re sensitive but in a bad way). I like receiving and giving hickies because I’m kind of possessive? And I’d like IB to be slightly possessive as well. Let’s not move to more intimate topics, sorry internet maybe some other time :)

TRUST:  I’d want him to be able to listen to me without judgment and to always be truthful with me. I don’t want him to hide anything from me (especially when it’s people talking shit behind my back) and to trust me to deal with problematic situations well enough (this is the main reason why me and my most recent boyfriend -- let’s call him Balloon Boy -- broke up, aside from being long distance and being too similar in our introverted-like traits).

PERSONALITY: Loud but quiet. I’d like IB to be more outgoing than me because I’m quiet and shy in general (especially around strangers) and am socially anxious, so I’d want him to hold my hand and lead me out of my comfort zone I think IB should be passionate about something in his life, whether it be a hobby or career-related. Extra points if he sings or dances, because then we’d have something in common. I don’t want IB to be nonchalant (more nonchalant than me is a nono) because it gets tiring being the one in charge all the time. Some spontaneity is good, and taking risks is nice too because I’m a rebel at heart though it seems like I’m super uptight all the time.

AGE: to be honest, I don’t really care much about age. So far, I’ve gone 3 years older and 2 years younger. I like mature boys though because I’d want to have serious deep talks and be able to ask them for their opinions on life and whatnot.

I don’t know how to continue on from that rough list, so I guess that’s all from me for now. I think the next ones will be about Pretty Boy and Balloon Boy, so get ready for some angst? Until then, be merry :)

Tori

[mynameistori]

entry 4 (aug 26)

Hello everyone!

I haven’t felt the need to write a huge angsty piece just yet, but thought that I should still write something because I haven’t been very active on social media these past few days and have felt somewhat lonely as a result. So here’s a life update for you all (I still think I’m talking to myself but that’s ok because I do it all the time anyway), organized poorly because these topics don’t mesh well.

I moved out of Waterloo yesterday! Well, until August 31 which is when I’ll be moving back because I’m involved with Orientation. I think one of the most annoying things about university (notably UW) is having to move back and forth, especially if you’re in co-op (which I dropped out of after one term because 1. the lack of support and just system in general wasn’t worth the money and 2. they don’t offer anything for my desired career path). I’m moving back to the livelier side of the city (by University and Lester) because I thought I might as well live in a better area seeing how it’s my last year. Unfortunately, I’ll be leaving my car Coco (story behind the name: I love drinking Coco bubble tea but also there’s an afterimage ?? of Coconut Water on the hood so the name seemed 1000% fitting) at my old place about a 7 minute walk up Lester because the parking is cheaper there and I already paid for it. Maybe I’ll look into securing a closer parking spot for her in the Winter.

I recently started reading a book series I read while I was in high school. It’s called S.E.C.R.E.T and it’s written by L. Marie Adeline. I’m currently on the second book and while I’ve tried to find the exact quote, I haven’t been able to. It said something along the lines of not needing a man but wanting a man, and I felt that echoed some of my personal feelings. I am fully aware that I’m probably too emotionally broken to give someone what they need/deserve in a romantic relationship. But I truly desire a companionship, one that is able to fulfill any physical needs I might have (I actually really like skinship and physical touch), act as a good conversation partner, and go on outings with me (because I don’t like dining or clubbing alone).

Today, my mother told me that she didn’t like my face and asked why I couldn’t be cuter. She was talking about how I pretty much always have a resting bitch face on, and how my tone most of the time is quite sharp and rude. And I agree with her -- I know I put on a deadly front to drive people away because I don’t want them getting close. But at the same time, I crave close social relationships. I’ve been doing some self-reflection lately and I thought that I might as well work on improving my outer appearance because no one’s going to approach the most intimidating person unless they have a death wish or are extremely naive. And if I want to find some companion, I probably won’t find any takers unless I present myself as desirable soooo ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ I need to climb out of the mental shithole I’ve been buried in and live life as if I’m not broken inside.

Speaking of reflection, I decided to apply to TEDxUW as a delegate (aka attendee). Much to my excitement, I got accepted and bought my ticket yesterday. I watch TED videos on Youtube quite often and was very close to applying last year (I typed up all of my answers but didn’t press submit), but I thought I might as well give it a shot this year. I also reapplied to Hack the North as a volunteer because I had a great time last year. Though I couldn’t possibly be a hacker of any sorts (my rusty coding will probably make an elementary student laugh), I admire and appreciate people with these skills. It kind of makes me wish I didn’t drop computer science after grade 11.

Fact about me: I love tattoos and have been interested in them for a long time, actually. Probably since high school or something. I actually have a tattoo, despite how much my father hates it (my mother’s totally cool with it, as well as a bunch of relatives, surprisingly) and I’m interested in adding more to my collection. Most of my emails from this past week have been to tattoo studios and artists asking about pieces I’m interested in doing, which are getting the seven deadly sins on various parts of my body in small script cursive (I like keeping myself in check every once in a while), a sprig of lavender + vanilla (my mom’s favourite scents, though I kind of just wanted something small and girly), 2 crossed arrows (matching tattoo with a great friend from high school), and a plague doctor lifting its mask to reveal a skull + a rose with its petals scattering in the breeze (probably the most elaborate tattoo yet). I know the placement of each one and their approximate sizes; it’s just a matter of finding the right artist and working details out. And I suppose forking over all of next term’s income. Oh, and I’m getting a mandala on September 22! Exciting stuff. I always laugh when I think about Pretty Boy coming back from his co-op term and finding out I have like 10 new tattoos.

A few days ago I told Pretty Boy that Haechan from NCT reminded me of him, because I had watched the teaser for Dear Dream. He told me that Sk8ter Boi thought the same thing and asked if it was because they both had red hair and glasses, to which I denied because I ended up watching a few more videos of Haechan and I kept thinking of him whenever Haechan popped up. Well, I guess there’s a visual for you all in case you were curious as to how the people I talk about look! Their voices are definitely not the same though.

Last thing: update on filming and _torigram! I was able to film 3 songs before I left Waterloo, but unfortunately the first song that Pretty Boy had picked (ok I told him to randomize the numbers 1-5 and that song ended up being first) is a lot harder than I thought. Or maybe I was an overachiever by deciding to include the floor section and underestimated how hard it would be to haul my heavy ass off the ground (or maybe just deciding to do it on rough concrete was a bad decision in the first place).... But that song unfortunately won’t be the first one to be released. Sorry Pretty Boy, I lied! I’ll likely shift the other four songs up and put that one as fifth. Sadly, I won’t be able to film anything new until I get back to Waterloo, so I’ll continue working on the two I have left, as well as learning/polishing the next few I have lined up (he randomized 16 for me in total ^_^ ...of about 46).

Until next time!

tori

[mynameistori]

entry 5 (sept 2)

Happy September everyone!

I hope you’re doing well, especially if you’re a student like me and the feeling of impending doom is deciding to knock on your door around now. This will be another update post, as I’m involved in Orientation this week as a Coordinator so I’ll be quite busy for next week or so, and school starts this week as well so hopefully I’m not dead by my next post :’D Just to put things into perspective, it’s the second day in and I’m already physically feeling like a 4/10.

My new place is a lot nicer than my place last year -- the room is a lot bigger, it’s on the 12th floor so there won’t be as many bugs (I lived on the first floor which was more like a half basement because it wasn’t ground level). It unfortunately doesn’t have a terrace like the place I lived in during the summer, so I’ll have to find a new place to film or just make do with my room. I do have two videos ready to post, so I still have time to figure this out and polish the next few. I’m also living with random people who haven’t moved in yet, so while I have been enjoying having the whole suite to myself, hopefully my roommates are clean and relatively quiet. I hope they won’t mind me playing music and laughing to myself in my room? At least I’m on the end of the suite.

I’m heading into my last year of my undergrad, and I think the reality of moving on from this place is finally settling in haha. I first felt it about 2 years ago when a lot of my friends started graduating, and the knowledge that it’s my turn next is kind of unsettling. /insert wail of frustration/ I also have to apply to grad school, because I’m hoping to go to Western for their Pathologist’s Assistant program, but if not then hopefully Clinical Anatomy. Fun fact: I love anatomy and dissection!

Sorry I haven’t been writing much lately, I’ve been pretty busy moving out of Toronto and back into Waterloo and with Orientation in full swing, I’m not sure if I’ll be up for a 4 hour writing session LOL (surprise, every post takes at least 2 hours to type out!). Perhaps I’ll write something the first full week of classes. Until then, enjoy the video I’ll be releasing on Tuesday (my designated video day)!

Take care~

tori