#a day before stat mech finals for a 1 note post too...

[koachdal]

dont ask me the colour of anything

[cosmosogler]

hi guys! i had REAL BAD dreams!! so i got up late!

actually i woke up earlier than my alarm (i hadn’t been able to fall asleep until after 2, and i woke up around 9-ish?) and i ended up laying on my back staring up at the ceiling fan for a while. just watching it go. it reminds me that i am in my own home, which i pay for with my own money, and which i live in. sprawled out staring up at the ceiling fan. 

i got up and poked around. didn’t really feel like doing anything. i finally made up lunch and biked over to the department around 12. i had lunch and then went to the drc at 1:15 in the rain. the appointment was... productive. we talked about my accommodations. i’ll be looking at testing help next.

i got screened for a learning disability. based on my answers, the new helper person came to the conclusion that i have depression.

that reminds me. i have two appointments tomorrow, one on friday, one on monday, one next tuesday, and one next wednesday. I CAN’T KEEP DOING THIS!!!!!!

anyway after i got back i really struggled to do any studying. i got through one day of notes in stat mech, which is like 20 minutes’ worth of reading. it took me two and a half hours. what else was i even doing? i don’t remember. i installed xkit at some point hoping it would fix my broken ass activity feed, but it didn’t. i still can’t see 80% of the activity on the comic page in the feed. and stuff keeps disappearing after i’ve seen it too which makes the numbers even lower.

i came home and was too tired to make any dinner. i eventually got up and put something in the microwave. and... hmm. i cleaned the bathroom a little bit, which i had been putting off. i put off a lot of chores this weekend that i’ve been getting to very slowly.

i also finished two things for the comic! i cannot post either of them yet, so they are sitting on top of the huge “draft” post pile. but it’s nice to have them out of the way. it’s the avatar image i’m going to switch to next, and a notebook reference picture for the new character that’ll be showing up in the next part of the story. i have two more digital pictures i want to finish before the end of july. one’s got a thumbnail and i like how it looks, i just need to actually draw the picture. the other one i don’t quite know what i want yet. 

ummm let’s see. i think that’s about it. i wish i could stop having awful dreams. last night there was a running theme of “i am minding my own business / trying to solve a problem when people who are supposed to be helping me decide to put me in severe danger or just kind of be assholes.” 

i don’t remember how often i write about this here, but i’m a little disappointed at how many people have told me they’re gonna read the comic and then haven’t. when i offered to show keegan the other week he directly asked for a link and told me he would tell me what he thought. that was over a week ago. harrison’s bff zoe never got to it and he’s been nagging her after she said she was really interested. apparently he showed her one of my pictures (that made me panic at the time) and zoe didn’t say anything to me about it but according to harrison she gave it a “glowing review” to him. natalie last spoke to me over two weeks ago now, and even then she hadn’t looked past the first four pages a week before that last message. 

at least taylor said “when it’s done” which is easier to take as an indirect “no.” i wish people would do what they say they are doing. 

i don’t know what i’m doing wrong. i don’t know why SO MANY PEOPLE in my life make commitments they don’t keep. i can’t even go out and have fun with my friends because they commit to going to the bar or whatever and then when the time comes they aren’t even around. keegan asks if we want to play smash at a certain time and then when we say yes, he goes home a half hour before we were supposed to start.

i wish harrison wasn’t the ONLY PERSON who actually kept his commitments. i feel walled in. i hate having just one, like, actual friend in my community. i just wanna go to the movies sometimes, you know? 

my classmates keep making huge plans the day before they want to go out. i’m a little upset that one guy asked to go to the beach this weekend the day before he wanted to leave and he still got people to go along. i don’t know if those plans fell through or not though- they didn’t post any pictures. my plans fell through and i made them weeks in advance specifically scheduled so that the most people could go.

it’s hard for me to gather up the resources to attend this stuff when i only know about it the day before, though. i went to soham’s... that was like 50-60 minutes of biking total and i was so tired the next day, and they didn’t actually make enough food so i biked home hungry all the way up the hill for 3 miles... 

ehh i’m whining. i should stop. i don’t understand why it hurts so bad. it makes me feel like i don’t matter.

it makes me feel like i don’t matter to the people i care about. who i thought cared about me. 

i’ve been getting that feeling a lot lately. with the department leaving me out in the cold when i thought i was on really good terms with some of the people who made kind of nasty comments to me... friends who say they’ll hang out or look at my art and then don’t. i hope i’m not asking for too big a time commitment. i thought playing video games wasn’t that bad. but we haven’t done that in months now and i put so much effort into repairing / replacing the controllers for smash. i put that together just so it would be easier to play and no one wants to. i don’t know what to do. i don’t know how to matter more to these people that i care about.

i know that makes me an annoying tryhard. i know. i just want friends so bad. i want my classmates, these people i’ve known for a year and who i care about, to have a good time and not be miserable because of our workload. i bring in candy, i bring in games, i fix the controllers... i know i can’t ASK them to hang out, i can’t pressure them, but i keep hoping maybe they’ll want to do something or spend time with me. AND THEY SAY YES! AND THEY MAKE PLANS! and then they don’t keep them. they change their minds at the last minute.

i’m relieved that my money is back in place, for the most part... like i have a definite course of action there. but i still feel so lonely and miserable. even online i feel too shy to really reach out to more than one person at a time, and trying to talk a lot doesn’t necessarily mean we become friends.

[assyer]

So, I did some numbers because I was curious, with the wayback machine, and this is what I found. How I got to the numbers under a cut in case someone better than me at math finds I fucked up.

I also did all of this based on oneshots because chaptered stuff would be too complicated for me. And, of course, relative to the mechs fandom. So,

1) Works posted on ao3per month: 

I’m pretty sure someone did a graphic of this but I couldnt find it. If you have it, please do let me know.

6/2020: 67 works

7/2020: 50 works

8/2020: 116 works

9/2020: 91 works

10/2020: 204 works, 111 of those belonging to some sort of october challange

11/2020: 86 works

12/2020:90 works

1/2021, as until 9/1/2021: 40 works

2) Variation on stats: 

The wayback machine most recent saved mechs tag page is from 30th of December, and the second one of 14th of July, two relative low months on activity regarding fic posting, so have that in mind.

A) Kudos:

June 2020: 34.4285 kudos per fic on 4 days

December 2020: 19.33334 kudos per fic on 4 days (43.845% less than on June)

January 2021: 14.916667 kudos per fic on 4 days (56.6734% less than in June, which wow considering it descended 12.828% in like, two weeks)

So, you now get half as many kudos as one did six months ago.

B) Hits:

June 2020: 88 hits per fic on four days 

December 2020: 42.66667 hits per fic on four days

January 2021: 40.66667 hits per fic on four days

Once again, half as many

3) Cool Stuff I Found Out: 

Yeah

A) Hits growth: fics posted 10 days ago have grown in average six hits per day, while those posted 5 months ago (again, in average cause I dont have enough data) have grown 1 hit per day. I would love to have more numbers to see how long it takes a fic to stop being “hot”

B) October: the challanges people have taken up to this lovely October (and posting for it in the form of oneshots) have been Mechtober, Whumptober, and Kinktober

C) I would love for ao3 to have a statistic function for the fandoms

D) I would love for tumblr to have a statistic function for the tags (is there any?)

E) Someone apparently took the job to update every week from mid 2016 to mid 2017 the first page of the mechs tag on ao3, which rocks specially because by the end of it there were like, 20 works (compered to the 1100 ish we have now). Whoever you are, thank you for your services

So, in theory, and because I dont feel i have enough numbers to say for sure, I dont think youre crazy. 

4) Also, if someone has any screenshot of any fic (inside the fandom lol), please Im begging you to tell me the details. Knowing the date the screenshot was taken, the fic posted and the kudos/hits it had then, compared to the ones now, it could be a cool way to see the “life expectancy” of a fic in the fandom, and to know if this change was radical (explaining why it was noticeable), or if it was just a constant decrease (of like around 10% on kudos per month)

Finally, how I got the numbers:

1) Just searching and filtering. On October I went through the whole pages and manually took note of those fics that said on its description that were written for a challange, or were part of a challange series

2) So, the wayback machine, as stated before, only has two recent dates saved, and on each date, only the first page of the most recent posted works filtered by date posted. For each one,

December: there were 9 oneshot fics, ranging of date from the 27th to the 30th. Counting the total of hits for that group, and dividing to make an avarege, you get 19.33334 kudos per fic. I first wanted to divide it by four, to see how much per day it would be, but because a fic grows faster the youngest it is, it would be another useless variable, leaving it less trusty. And if I only take the ones posted that day, you get 2 fics, which is laugable. Used the rule of 3 to get the percentages.

July: there were 9 oneshots, one which has been deleted, from the 9th to the 14th. I only took the ones from the last four days, so I could compare to the other dates better. I also didnt take the one deleted into consideration.  Did the same as in december.

January: I still took the ones posted the last four days.  Did the same as in the other two. Rule of 3 for the percentage.

For kudos I did exactly the same.

3) A) I compared the fics stats from July and December and compared it to today’s. Then, counted the days of difference and did the avarage for each one, then the avarage for the group.

C) Please

D) PLEASE

4) IM BEGGING YOU

Anyone know why engagement on ao3 has dropped in the Mechs fandom (the only i recently posted idk if it's in other fandoms too), because it's kind disheartening to see hits etc drop, you know? Just wondering if I'm imagining it :)