#a leeeeetle more mature and well adjusted. maybe. but desire for a relationship was not the issue. | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

genderfluid-druid · 1 year

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dropping thoughts like laundry into the aromanticism washing machine and watching them spin. taking little notes in a fancy journal titled "greyro??" and crossing them out, but then going back and scribbling an addendum. holding up an extravagant glass beaker full of a cool bubbling potion and peering at it through safety glasses that say "mind the amatonormativity!"

#i think there are two layers of questioning to deal with #the first layer is easier to see and that's the trauma-related layer #the second layer has been going stealth for years and is more intrinsic #the second layer *could* have been a contributing factor toward the first #so anyway the question is. as i work through the trauma and have the support of a therapist to deal with the first layer #does the second layer become an issue. or is there only the first and it's just worked itself deep enough that it now feels intrinsic #the thing is i do get crushes and i do yearn and i can't remember a time when i didn't crave the idea of a relationship #so that should be that right? not aro. at least not intrinsically.#but why did i always end up losing interest in the relationship once i had it #was it really just because i wasn't dating people i actively chose #honestly maybe. there *was* B. i don't know how much longer that might've continued if logistics hadn't put an end to it #and M....... M is a tricky one. because even though i left that relationship by my own choice. i kind of had to in order to not want to die #the thruple vibes with K were just so utterly rancid and M was just so incapable of doing anything to make it better #so yeah. maybe that one could've continued indefinitely IF two to three of the people involved had been #a leeeeetle more mature and well adjusted. maybe. but desire for a relationship was not the issue.#so okay. maybe im NOT aro. maybe i just have shitty taste in men. you know? that's a distinct possibility.#okay. so now on the other hand. let's look at how happy and enlightened I've felt since starting to *use* the aro label #cuz it actually is fantastic. the freedom to just feel love and affection for anyone I'm close to and not have to worry about #it being taken in a way i don't intend. that's great i love that #and not feeling any pressure to find The One? rocks. good shit. i can just let whatever relationships be what they're gonna be #and not have to fret over assigning a label and structures and expectations. hot shit.#(honestly it's helping me understand where M was coming from in a way that would've been. you know. pretty useful six years ago.)#i don't wanna lock myself in a relationship with friend E but it's great hanging out with her on a regular basis #cuz that's the amount of affection i feel for her. enough to chill and watch Owl House. not enough to be in each others' space all the time #(god idk if I'll ever want to be around anyone all the time ever again. that is a LOT for my limited batteries)#idk how physical affection fits into this yet. that area is still under development #but like. if my friends were cool with it and i knew they wouldn't take it too seriously then YES i would probably kiss almost any of them #and i THINK that's true and not me telling myself something i think I'm supposed to believe? i THINK.#'s always the possibility that i just very badly want to be kissed and my brain is looking to make that happen in a way that isn't scary #ah shit that’s 30 tags. i’ve done it again.

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