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moobytes · 7 months

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very long rant about AI LOL

(fair warning, im NOT an expert on anything. j just research and read over these things. i wouldn't be shocked if any information is wrong, i just want to get some stress off of me. also i probably spelt 50 things wrong. it's like 2am)

i think it's time for a long rant about ai. i think it's at a point where you shouldn't be going "oh well it will be gone in a dew years" or " its not a thing you should worry about". it's definitely staying for good.

due to ai, i already decided that im not majoring in art once i get to college. im lucky enough to have several career interests, but this shouldn't have happened in the first place.

generative ai

man i wish ai was used for "anything" else besides generating media. you cannot be serious that an ugly ai "art" post gets more attention than creating solutions for diseases. ai CAN be GOOD. it's been around since the cold war, helping us develop all of today's technology. and now, it's being used for greed and money just because companies (not even companies, just really ignorant people who dont view art as a process) think of society/workers as just numbers, not people.

i always wanted to be an artist. i always wanted to study technology. i NEVER had the thought that AI should take over art. i understand the desperation of wanting a perfect final result, but in life, it shouldn't happen. your perfection should the reflection on your own success and growth.

ai is growing, but no one else is. you can "make" 100 ai generated prices and have a perfect replica of what you wanted, yet you learned NOTHING at all. you will one day ask yourself "how much have i grown?" and nothing will be there.

also, i dont think art is/will be dead, however i see it drowning deeper and deeper in the coming years. there will be hundreds of thousands of people who understand art. but millions more only care about the final result. people will eat whatever slop, as long as they can get it fast and perfect. sickening, but it's unfortunately the case.

im a BIG art nerd. i love watching behind the scenes videos, seeing storyboards, and seeing the crew behind shows/movies laughing and smiling. i dont want to watch something that was just created by stealing content and mashing it together

also this should be known. that shit is going to get abused to make p*rn. i already saw reddit think about how they can sell it for money. i think ill get banned if i said my response to this

the good in AI i really enjoy

okay i dont want to stay negative about ai forever. i know a lot of people say "all ai is bad" a LOT. it's probably because AI right now has just been about creating videos and photos, but there's so much good in ai that i wish tech bros would focus on more.

the development of phones and algorithms, (mostly in explorations, maybe mathematics?). obviously ai is already being used in both of these, but i feel like space exploration is going to get crazier each year. maybe at a cold war level? who knows.

every phone has ai, but looking more into it like samsung's new ai features... like their live transcript during calls and circle to search...these already existed really but adding advanced ai to these... it's going to get way better and become so useful, especially the transcript feature, my parents already have a tough moment talking on the phone with me..

i think medical technology would be great too! maybe not like elon musk's brain chip, more like accurate diagnosis, help run better simulations, and maybe help preserve medical records (hackers exist)? i wont go too deep into that tho since i haven't done that much research on this.

anyway i really wished people saw this side of ai. it hurts seeing what corrupt things we choose to do instead... overall i believe ai can be used side by side with humans, instead of doing all the work for us.

tl;dr, i think lead poisoning got us here

no but really. ai is here to stay. it's always been here, and it will get worse if nothing is done. but always try to stay positive the most you can, but it's impossible to ignore the presence of ai.

hopefully, we can get some hardcore laws (or even a ban PLEASE) on generative ai that makes it useless as hell. i dont have too much faith in it, but im not giving up the chance.

(random thought, if ai did take over, i think it will be because we stuck brains on them LOL. look this information up it's a little shocking but slightly interesting. but it's quite scary ngl)

#ai #ai art #ai rant #art #sora ai #technology #ai has so much potential! i wish People Were Smarter #long post

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miiilowo · 3 years

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hullo, whats your favorite platform to post on? thinking of going outside tumblr but i dont know which sites are good for new artists

honestly? tumblr. 100%. theres no hidden algorithm that pushes you around for one, which is GREAT. you want to self promo by reblogging your own art? awesome! nobody will judge you for it. wanna spam a shitton of tags so it gets more reach? awesome! nobody will judge you for it! theyre hidden!

once you DO gain a following, its a lot less draining than other social media. theres no urge to want to like...Keep up, yknow? You generally wont lose followers or traction for not posting, and even then, since followers are kinda hidden outta view on tumblr its less of a factor that could weigh on you. outta sight outta mind.

tumblr feels a lot more relaxed than other sites. more natural. stuff like insta feels really performative but i find you can kinda just chill out on here. post whatever you want. no insights either on your stats and how big your reach is. its just less all-mind consuming tbh. feels healthier

instagram sucks SHIT for new artists. it took me 4 years to reach 1.8k on insta and im nearing 3k on here and ive been here less than a year posting the same stuff. the only reason i have a following on instagram at all is because the buzzfeed unsolved dudes included one of my drawings in a fanart post and it boosted my account and got the ball rolling to finally put me into The Almighty Algorithm!

instagram also has a thing where it crops the image to be a better fit for insta which is fucking annoying as all hell and sucks for artists

i didnt spend too much time on twitter, but i can say its pretty decent for artists if youre willing to self promote. specially fandom spaces, cause (idk if this is still a trend) bigger artists would go 'hey! if youre a small artist, drop some of ur art + introduce yourself and ill retweet it' which is cool! big fan of that. on the flipside youll be using twitter. which i do not recommend for anyone ever. because its twitter. like seriously that outweighs anything positive i could say about it

you get better interaction on tumblr anyway cause of the tags. people arent afraid to lose their shit in the tags when they reblog ur stuff. on twt quote retweeting steals interactions from the artists and people are a lot less likely to just comment on something. and insta ONLY has a commenting feature, and it also gets you less interaction. reblogging is the primary way art gets around here, and once it starts getting around, looking at the tags is always my absolute number one fav thing

anyways. thats all i have to say. i think

#instas fun once you get followers but its near impossible and probably gonna be bad for my mental health in the long run

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mostlysignssomeportents · 5 years

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Pluralistic, your daily link-dose: 27 Feb 2020

Today's links

Ripping the window-dressing off the .ORG selloff: It's not even an ethos.

CDC guide to filter-mask-friendly facial hair: You're good to go with a Zappa, Villain or Hitler, but stay away from the Dali, Hulahee and the dread F(l)u Manchu.

Don't trust Google to build Toronto's Smart City: Sidewalk Labs's sleaze has disqualified it.

A "girls-only" social service wants to analyze your facial bone structure: "It's science!"

Norman Rockwell turned into a radical civil rights activist: His last painting was of Nixon, too.

Gmail's filters are blocking opt-in election emails: Mayo Pete and Andrew Yang are winning the spam-filter primary.

Talking Radicalized with The Next Chapter: Shelagh Rogers is a national treasure.

Neoliberalism kills, the coronavirus edition: And you thought capitalism would kill us all with climate change!

Bernie Sanders and Public Enemy LA rally this Sunday: With Sarah Silverman and Dick van Dyke!

Venezuelan women's "army" break into dead factories to reboot them: "Only the people can save the people."

Meet Akil Augustine, voice of the Raptors…and Radicalized: A fighter in my corner.

This day in history: 2019, 2015, 2005

Colophon: Recent publications, current writing projects, upcoming appearances, current reading

Ripping the window-dressing off the .ORG selloff (permalink)

The latest on ISOC's shameful attempt to flog off .ORG to a group of sketchy billionaires: Ethos Capital's promises concerning its stewardship are pure window-dressing.

https://www.eff.org/deeplinks/2020/02/empty-promises-wont-save-org-takeover

Its binding promise not to increase prices for .ORG domains? Still allows it to DOUBLE prices in 8 years, then allows UNLIMITED increases afterwards. Its "Stewardship Council"? Handpicked by Ethos's own bagmen, & only empowered to rule on very narrow questions of de-anonymization and censorship, AND Ethos can simply ignore its rulings by declaring them to be required by a government or consistent with anti-abuse policies.

In an open letter in the Nonprofit Times, Cindy Cohn of EFF and Amy Sample Ward of NTEN break it down:

https://www.thenonprofittimes.com/npt_articles/commentary-org-still-wouldnt-be-safe/

"Your proposal cabins the council's authority by placing anything construed as 'advice or recommendations regarding day-to-day operational, financial or budgeting matters, or pricing out of bounds. It would be trivial to categorize harmful practices as 'operational.'"

CDC guide to filter-mask-friendly facial hair(permalink)

The CDC has an infographic enumerating the effect of various styles of facial hair on filtering respirators.

You're good to go with a Zappa, Villain or Hitler, but stay away from the Dali, Hulahee and the dread F(l)u Manchu.

https://www.cdc.gov/niosh/npptl/pdfs/FacialHairWmask11282017-508.pdf

Don't trust Google to build Toronto's Smart City (permalink)

Google is planning to turn a vast swathe of Toronto into a high-tech "smart city" through its Sidewalk Labs division. They've been incredibly misleading and opaque about their plans, and yet the city keeps greenlighting through successive phases.

The latest phase is the publication of the Digital Strategy Advisory Panel's report, a wide-ranging critical report from technologists and tech experts on Google's plan to instrument the city and extract its data.

https://quaysideto.ca/wp-content/uploads/2020/02/DSAP-Supplemental-Report-on-Sidewalk-Labs-Digital-Innovation-Appendix-DIA-Appendices-FINAL.pdf

It's pretty sharp stuff. Michael Geist's introductory letter gives a taste of things.

https://quaysideto.ca/blog/dsap-releases-supplemental-commentary-on-the-digital-innovation-appendix

But far more pointed is Andrew Clement's Appendix D, a kind of minority report that makes it abundantly clear that Google has totally disqualified itself from this project.

Question One: Does Sidewalk have a strong track record as an urban innovator appropriate for Toronto?

Short answer: No

(Sidewalk lied, omitted other projects that were terrible, and literally followed a grifter's playbook called "BOLD")

Question Two: Can Sidewalk Labs' core claims be relied on?

Sidewalk "consulted" with 21,000 Torontonians, but it hasn't shown that it's willing to take any of that consultation advice to heart ("corporate self-defense").

Sidewalk claims it's not "tech for tech's sake," but the whole plan reeks of it.

Sidewalk claimed it's not about extracting data, but the plan is totally about extracting data.

Question Three: What does experience with Sidewalk to date in this project indicate about its reliability as a partner? In particular, has Sidewalk respected its contracts and other commitments?

Nope. For example, it held its expert panel to NDAs after promising it wouldn't.

Question Four: Can Sidewalk be treated as independent of its parent Alphabet/Google and its wider enterprise?

Obviously not! "In business strategy, financing and overall managerial control, there are clear indications that Sidewalk is unlikely to diverge from Alphabet/Google."

"Nearly all Alphabet revenues are earned by Google and they have the same CEO, Sundar Pichai, and same CFO, Ruth Porat."

Question Five: What are the risks of partnering with an Alphabet enterprise?

"It has been fined a combined $9.5 billion since 2017 by EU antitrust regulators while facing further significant government investigations for its anti-competitive behaviour."

"It will be challenging to make a positive determination absent public evidence of a thorough, independent risk-benefit analysis of the prospective partnership or other contractual relationship."

A "girls-only" social service wants to analyze your facial bone structure (permalink)

Well, this is the most "now you've got two problems" moment in recent memory. "Giggle" is an all-girl social network. To be "all-girl" they have keep men off of the platform. How do they do that? With FACIAL BONE STRUCTURE scans.

"It's science! Just like archaeologists do with mummies."

JFC.

The impulse to start a girl-only social space is a potentially fine one, but deploying what amounts to eugenics – heavily borrowed from the incel movement's obsession with facial bone-structure – is idiotic.

"Unfortunately it doesn't verify trans-girls."

No shit. Also, it doesn't verify people whose bone-structure fails your digital phrenology tests. And it WILL verify men and boys who generate false positives in the system.

https://pipedreamdragon.tumblr.com/post/611048332070109184

I can't believe I need to say this, but: The goal of making girls feel OK with who they are cannot be attained by subjecting their facial bone-structure to algorithmic femininity assessments.

Norman Rockwell turned into a radical civil rights activist (permalink)

I hadn't known that at the end of his career, Norman Rockwell became a political radical, breaking with the Saturday Evening Post over his desire to depict the civil rights struggle.

https://www.vox.com/the-highlight/2020/2/19/21052356/norman-rockwell-the-problem-we-all-live-with-saturday-evening-post

Writing in Vox, Tom Carson describes how Rockwell's personal tragedies – the death of his wife – and the advice of his therapist helped him transform into an acerbic, radical painter, the opposite of who we remember him as.

Switching from the Post to Look Magazine, Rockwell depicted such subjects as 6-y-o Ruby Bridges being escorted into an all-white school by federal marshalls who led her past howling mobs of white supremacists.

He went on to paint a depiction of the imagined last moments of civil rights workers Mickey Schwerner, Andrew Goodman, and James Chaney, who were tortured and murdered by white nationalists.

http://www.nrm.org/MT/text/MurderMississippi.html

A staunch anti-war activist, he pestered LBJ with an endless stream of telegrams demanding negotiations, not bombings, in Vietnam (ironically, he voted for Nixon in the hopes that he would end the war).

Further irony: the last substantial painting he completed was of Nixon after his election win: "This time around, he managed what he'd once said was impossible. His subject looks like a nice man who is, nonetheless, unmistakably Richard Nixon."

It's the only Rockwell painting in the National Portrait Gallery.

https://npg.si.edu/object/npg_NPG.72.2

Gmail's filters are blocking opt-in election emails (permalink)

Gmail's spam filters perform very differently when it comes to fundraising emails from Democratic leadership contenders: Mayo Pete evades filters 63% of the time, Yang lands 46% of the time. EVERY Warren campaign email tested got filtered to spam.

https://themarkup.org/google-the-giant/2020/02/26/wheres-my-email

These are all emails that Gmail users have opted to receive, too, but most are filtered to the "promotions" inbox, rather than "primary." In all only 11% of emails from "candidates, think tanks, advocacy groups, and nonprofits" reached primary.

It's turning email — the last federated platform on the internet — into Facebook, a filternet whose rules are set by unaccountable algorithms operated by a secretive monopolist.

Goog has a conflict of interest here: "While Gmail does not sell ads in the primary inbox, advertisers can pay for top placement in the social and promotions tabs in free accounts."

This was Facebook's media-killing strategy: when you started your media outlet's FB presence, the company delivered 100% of your posts to your followers, then, once you depended on that, it dialed delivery down unless you paid for "reach."

The pretense of Big Tech is that you they connect you to the stuff you ask for (this is also the premise behind Net Neutrality). The reality is that they decide, unaccountably, invisibly and inexplicably, what you may see.

While the overfiltering might in error, it's an error Goog is incentivized to wontfix: "'You're not precluded from buying an ad in the promotions tab, or offering a deal,' said Lee Carosi Dunn, who at the time led election sales, political outreach and policy for Google."

Talking Radicalized with The Next Chapter (permalink)

My book Radicalized is a finalist for Canada Reads, the CBC's national book prize

https://www.cbc.ca/books/canadareads/meet-the-canada-reads-2020-contenders-1.5433115

That means all kinds of good stuff, but one of the highlights was talking with Shelagh Rogers for The Next Chapter. I grew up listening to Shelagh, and she's so incredibly smart about books.

The interview came out great! (How could it not, given the interviewer). We ranged widely over "Canadianness," "Americanness," literary forms, anxiety and creativity, and the substance of the stories themselves.

https://www.cbc.ca/radio/thenextchapter/full-episode-feb-22-2020-1.5469642

You can get the MP3 here:

http://16523.mc.tritondigital.com/CBC_THE_NEXT_CHAPTER_FROM_CBC_RADIO_P/media-session/fecd5192-14ef-43b6-b9a7-7c125875d93b/nextchapter-0I9Y1liD-20200226.mp3?ttag=season:12

It's also been included in my podcast feed, which you can subscribe to here:

http://feeds.feedburner.com/doctorow_podcast

Neoliberalism kills, the coronavirus edition (permalink)

Neoliberalism kills, a play in two acts

Act I: UK employers are not required to offer sick pay to asymptomatic potential coronavirus carriers, even if those workers' doctors have ordered them to "self-isolate" to avoid spreading pandemic.

https://memex.naughtons.org/self-isolation-and-employee-rights/28723/

Leaving workers with a stark choice: perform your duty to the public health and lose your wages or even your job, or turn up for work and infect your co-workers and customers.

Typhoid Mary vs Moral Hazard in action, there.

Act II: Alex Azar, the US Health and Human Services secretary, has ruled out price controls for a coronavirus vaccine, arguing that pharma companies need "incentives" to produce.

https://twitter.com/mmcauliff/status/1232784696792297472

"Alex Michael Azar II (/ˈeɪzər/ born June 17, 1967) is an American attorney, politician, pharmaceutical lobbyist, and former drug company executive who serves as the United States Secretary of Health and Human Services."

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Alex_Azar

This former pharma lobbyist, whose industry gobbles public subsidies like a tweaker gobbles bennies, firmly believes that his once-and-future paymasters must be permitted unlimited gouging, and if they choose to leave those who can't pay to die, that's "the market."

Lambert Strether, 2014:

"I propose two simple rules to which neo-liberalism can be reduced. They are:

"Rule #1: Because markets.

"Rule #2: Go die!"

https://www.nakedcapitalism.com/2014/03/neo-liberalism-expressed-simple-rules.html

It turns out that all those people who thought late-stage capitalism would exterminate the human race through climate change were wrong! It's going to kill us all with pandemics, instead.

Herd immunity has a well-known leftist bias.

Bernie Sanders and Public Enemy LA rally this Sunday (permalink)

Angelenos! Bernie Sanders is doing a gig with Dick Van Dyke (!), Sarah Silverman (!!) and Public Enemy (!!!) this SUNDAY (Sunday Sunday Sunday!) at the LA Convention Center.

Admission is free, but you need to RSVP here. Doors open at 3, rally starts at 5, ends at 7. Word of warning: the last Sanders rally I attended (in 2016) started REALLY late, like 2h.

https://events.berniesanders.com/event/252466/

Campaigning presidential candidates have hard-to-predict schedules apparently (but warn your babysitter).

Venezuelan women's "army" break into dead factories to reboot them (permalink)

The "Productive Army" is a Venezuelan women's collective that has been operating since 2017. They visit shuttered factories, get workers to explain what's needed to reopen them, break in and start them up again.

https://translate.google.com/translate?sl=auto&tl=en&u=https%3A%2F%2Fwww.elsaltodiario.com%2Fmapas%2Fbatallas-ejercito-productivo-obrero-venezuela-guerra-no-convencional

They organize themselves like military units, with captains, etc, and the units generally have to beg their bosses for time off to roam the country, putting it back on its feet. Operations typically run for less than a week, and incorporate weekends to minimize time off.

They describe themselves as carrying out the Chavismo doctrine of "workers' control of factories," which even Chavez largely treated as a slogan, and which his successors have been even less committed to.

They remind me of the elite Chinese students whom Xi ordered to read Marx and Lenin, who then decided Xi was a bourgeois sellout and took to the road to support wildcat workers' strikes against Xi-aligned factory owners.

https://www.nytimes.com/2018/09/28/world/asia/china-maoists-xi-protests.html

The Productive Army's slogan is "Only the People Can Save the People." Its missions are "productive battles." A productive battle might involve repairing the furnace in a sardine canning factory to get it running again, then turning it over to workers: "In the EPO they say that they not only repair machines but, above all, consciences."

One of the crispest definitions of "rightism" came I've heard came from Steven Brust: "Ask them what's more important: property rights, or human rights? If they answer, 'Property rights are human rights," they're on the right." (I quoted this in Walkaway).

When people want the things the factory produces, and workers want to produce those things in the factory, but the spreadsheet says the factory isn't viable, the problem is with the spreadsheet, not the people.

Meet Akil Augustine, voice of the Raptors…and Radicalized (permalink)

In the #CanadaReads national book prize, each book gets a "champion" – a defender who speaks for the book in a series of televised debates. My champion is the incredible Akil Augustine, voice of the Toronto Raptors.

Akil and I met in Toronto last month when they announced that my book Radicalized was a finalist for the prize, and the CBC sat us down for a rollicking joint interview.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=duL6rZeNJY0

I love that Radicalized connected with Akil, given how divergent our interests are (I can't even name a single basketball goalie!). I love even more how competitive he is. As someone who grew up at hippie summer-camp playing "co-operative volleyball" I'm very grateful to have a fighter in my corner who plays to win!

This day in history (permalink)

#15yrsago Halle Berry accepts "Razzie" for Catwoman, calls it a "piece of shit" https://web.archive.org/web/20050306093431/http://www.reuters.com/newsArticle.jhtml?storyID=7748301&type=entertainmentNews

#5yrsago Mass surveillance hip-hop from the director of the Bill of Rights Defense Committee https://shadowproof.com/2015/02/26/after-hearing-capitol-police-arrest-lawyer-for-shouting-question-at-clapper-about-nsa-surveillance/

#1yrago Bunnie Huang's tour-de-force explanation of how hardware implants and supply chain hacks work https://www.bunniestudios.com/blog/?p=5519

#1yrago AOC grills Equifax CEO: the Congressional record now contains the obvious, infuriating truth that everyone else already knew https://www.washingtonpost.com/technology/2019/02/11/rep-alexandria-ocasio-cortez-takes-aim-equifax-credit-scoring/?utm_term=.cbab554db359

#1yrago Fox hit with $179m (including $128m in punitive damages) judgment over shady bookkeeping on "Bones" https://variety.com/2019/biz/news/fox-bones-arbitration-emily-deschanel-179-million-1203150879/

Colophon (permalink)

Today's top sources: JWZ (http://www.jwz.org/blog/), Pipe Dream Dragon (https://pipedreamdragon.tumblr.com/), Metafilter (https://metafilter.com/), Karl Bode (https://twitter.com/karlbode), RCB Leon (https://twitter.com/rcbleon), Naked Capitalism (https://nakedcapitalism.com/).

Hugo nominators! My story "Unauthorized Bread" is eligible in the Novella category and you can read it free on Ars Technica: https://arstechnica.com/gaming/2020/01/unauthorized-bread-a-near-future-tale-of-refugees-and-sinister-iot-appliances/

Upcoming appearances:

Canada Reads Kelowna: March 5, 6PM, Kelowna Library, 1380 Ellis Street, with CBC's Sarah Penton https://www.eventbrite.ca/e/cbc-radio-presents-in-conversation-with-cory-doctorow-tickets-96154415445

Currently writing: I just finished a short story, "The Canadian Miracle," for MIT Tech Review. It's a story set in the world of my next novel, "The Lost Cause," a post-GND novel about truth and reconciliation. I'm getting geared up to start work on the novel now, though the timing is going to depend on another pending commission (I've been solicited by an NGO) to write a short story set in the world's prehistory.

Currently reading: Just started Lauren Beukes's forthcoming Afterland: it's Y the Last Man plus plus, and two chapters in, it's amazeballs. Last week, I finished Andrea Bernstein's "American Oligarchs" this week; it's a magnificent history of the Kushner and Trump families, showing how they cheated, stole and lied their way into power. I'm getting really into Anna Weiner's memoir about tech, "Uncanny Valley." I just loaded Matt Stoller's "Goliath" onto my underwater MP3 player and I'm listening to it as I swim laps.

Latest podcast: Gopher: When Adversarial Interoperability Burrowed Under the Gatekeepers' Fortresses: https://craphound.com/podcast/2020/02/24/gopher-when-adversarial-interoperability-burrowed-under-the-gatekeepers-fortresses/

Upcoming books: "Poesy the Monster Slayer" (Jul 2020), a picture book about monsters, bedtime, gender, and kicking ass. Pre-order here: https://us.macmillan.com/books/9781626723627?utm_source=socialmedia&utm_medium=socialpost&utm_term=na-poesycorypreorder&utm_content=na-preorder-buynow&utm_campaign=9781626723627

(we're having a launch for it in Burbank on July 11 at Dark Delicacies and you can get me AND Poesy to sign it and Dark Del will ship it to the monster kids in your life in time for the release date).

"Attack Surface": The third Little Brother book, Oct 20, 2020.

"Little Brother/Homeland": A reissue omnibus edition with a very special, s00per s33kr1t intro.

Posted on February 27, 2020Tags 2020, akil augustine, apple, basketball, bernie sanders, books, canada, canada reads, cbc, cdc, cdnpol, chavismo, coronavirus, democrats, dick van dyke, dotorg, dweb, eff, elections, ethos, facebookification, facial hair, federation, filternet, gmail, google, hip hop, isoc, los angeles, onpol, pir, politics, private equity, public enemy, radicalized, sarah silverman, science fiction, sidewalk labs, smart cities, surveillance, toronto, torpol, venezuela, walkawayLeave a comment on Pluralistic, your daily link-dose: 27 Feb 2020 Edit "Pluralistic, your daily link-dose: 27 Feb 2020"

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princess-of-embarrassment · 4 years

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Some 3 am realizations about life, relationships and maybe more?? idk whatever have fun.

Ok before i start on this shit I am going to say it is 3 am and i am just dumping some thoughts like i usually do. Sorry for the shit grammar, disorganized thoughts and all that jazz... In a sense i feel like this is a letter to myself and what i have been trying so damn hard to understand so yeah i am talking to myself and to this website. I think. Idk. i will probably delete this in the morning when i am back on bad bitch mode and go back to posting memes pero por ahora vamos a ver como nos va. Mayb ei will leave it up bc i forget or because i dont care who sees it. sorry for the shitshow of a post you are about to read but you probably already kinda know me so yay! I debated posting this shit because the internet is a wildin place but oh well!!1!!11

ok tumblr it is 3 in the morning and i have 100% regressed into being a 15 years old on this damn website shitposting and reblogging some corny ass posts but it feels right, so here i am attempting to process it through the only form i know how to actually know how to cope with things. I mean memes are cool and all but lets be real, they don’t address the problems. this is the one place i can brain dump all of my thoughts and not really care about where they go because they will eventually disappear in the tumblr algorithm.

My old blog was often the only separation I had between my reality and the life i really wished i had, but now I have that life that I always wanted so why the hell am i back at square one? To be fair, the life that i have right now may not be envied by many but its a pretty darn good life to me. Im safe 99.9% of the time. The other .1% is a story for another day. I have been trying to figure out for months as to why i’m back to being so active on here and now that it’s 3:00am I realize it’s because of self isolation (thanks corona!).

Let me start off by saying this; my reality is not something I am going to be able to escape. Ever. It has brought me to where i am today, allowed me to meet some really incredible people and i am so so grateful. I have learned so much in the past few years. i am grateful what happened happened. Wild, i know. I escaped it physically but i cannot escape it mentally, at least for now. School, work, writing, dealing with my freshmen’s problems was what kept my brain occupied and away from having to face the part of my life that I really just want to forget. To be fait my trauma response has taken pretty good care of fucking up my memory and all of those fun things but ironically the things i want to forget about so badly are the things i think about every single day without skipping a beat. brains are weird like that.

I am ok now but sometimes i forget and fall back into my new reality. That is ok. People that know my story ask me why i don’t write about it on a public platform because it’s inspiring?? or hopeful?? or whatever cliche people want to use when addressing a topic that makes them uncomfortable and they want to feel better about the life they live. 21 year old latina girl faces adversity and lives the american dream (barely)..i mean, i did run a whole ass magazine and wrote a piece for graduation including some details of my story but that was like the rated g version with only the little sad parts that people are able to handle without feeling like their comfort zone is being violated. MEdia is a wonderful place isnt it??? so i get where they are coming from, but what they dont understand is that an international platform is not where i can share any of these thoughts... Listen, I know this is cryptic and confusing and you are probably really curious about what the hell happened to me but i don’t feel safe to type it out on international platforms with public access. I don’t know if i ever will... Yeah i can talk to people i trust about it because i am in control of the space and the situation and who is obtaining that information but you never really know with the internet.

maybe in the future i’ll write a book on it. even then i will probably use my alias make it a YA fiction with an added love story that ends in a happy ending. Maybe one day one of the school girl crushes I have will turn into that YA story and i dont have to make any of it up.

If i am honest...this blog is the only safe place i will probably ever have where he wont find me. He can find my school and my address and phone number and work and everything in between because that is just the way things work. Yeah yeah i get it stop posting shit on social media that is how he finds you whatever. What people dont understand is that I cant stop living my life again. I already started so i cant go back to giving him that power. It makes no sense. Also, his family is too confused by all of the ups and downs of the last year that they dont really know where i am going or what i am doing. So anyways, long story short - That’s why i am back on here, because it has become the same written safe haven I had when i was 15 and tried to escape my physical reality. Only difference is that i am trying to manage the mental reality of it all...

I also have so many questions about what to do next. Like i mentioned in another post, i didnt think i would make it to 21 but i did. I didnt think this far ahead so i guess i will just figure it out along the way but hear me out. How do i face a new reality that no one can relate to. At least not the people around me. How do i make friends and know when the “right time” is to tell them hey btw if this happens lmk lol. Even more importantly (because it relates to my future as world famous YA novelist.. lol sure grace...) How do I even date someone??? many questions are tied to that. like... I know theyre going to ask. “what happened?” “who is it?” “how can i help?” “Isnt there something we can do?”. i am more than willing to answer these questions because fuck, if im dating someone i would be curious too.. but do i even answer those questions. How do i know they are ready to handle that kind of information? how can i guarantee theyre not going to leave. How can i know that they arent going to be frightened by what has happened. how do i know they are not going to think differently of me. How do i explain to this person “yeah i have stress nightmares about what happened and when i wake up i think i am back in that situation and not where i live and i have to remind myself i am in a whole different area code but then its fine lol so if we share a bed at any point in time dont be alarmed if i wake up in a panic.” or how do i explain to them when something triggers me and all i can do is freeze because maybe it is him. Maybe he finally found me. but then i am back to reality and move on with my day because that is the only thing left to do. I cant throw myself a shitty pity party thats generic as fuck and i dont have time for it but whatever. moving on. next question. How do i know theyre not gonna walk away because they have the misconception so many people have?? Just because i went through some shit doesnt mean i am unstable or unloveable or whatever bs people think. This isnt going to go away. This shit is a aprt of me but it doesn not define me. it is not who i am.I dont have the option to make it go away but people have the option to pick up their things and go. seems unfair to me sometimes. It seems unfair to generalize people like that. I am always open to a new relationship but people expect me to be sitting at home scared to go out into the world and live my life. I have a life to live and i am so ready to explore it by myself or with someone by my side but quarantine has brought me back on here to deal with the fact that i am back to being stuck inside. Mentally and physically. One sucks less than the other.

I have so many other questions but i am feeling tired again and its almost 4am so maybe i should go to bed. Y’all dont know how happy i am to have this trash site to vent to in the middle of the night. theres some relly judgy people on here but at least i know my feed wont judge me or try to fix what has happened. it will just listen.

Anyways, i doubt anyone will read this because this post got long as fuck but if you did i give you a high five and a virtual hug for getting through the clusterfuck of sentences. Thanks tumblr. If i ever go viral again on this shitshow of a website i may have to bring back my studyblr and go underground lmfao jk maybe. I cant wait to hug my friends and the people i have met that have become a part of my daily routine (yes even during social isolation, get off my ass I am still socially isolating). All i can do for now is wait for someone who cares about me for me and isn’t scared of my past or the pieces of it that linger in my present. I deserve nothing less. if they cant do that they are not worth my time and i hope they drop their keys every single time they go to open their front door. oh... they also better be ready for the hours i spend typing away my thoughts on my computer. Maybe one day they will be allowed to read them too... lol maybe not. whatever who knows. Peace out kiddos stay healthy xoxo.

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endorsereviews · 6 years

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Purple Knowledge Lab – Don’t F*ck This Up

GEEK OUT TOUR DONT F*CK THIS UP Don’t even think of spending another dollar on Facebook until you learn how to go from guessing to knowing by accessing the “inner Circle” Info of how to get the big money GAIN ACCESS

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Purple Knowledge Lab – Don’t F*ck This Up posted first on premiumwarezstore.blogspot.com

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sublimedeal · 6 years