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#a strict schedule but if u throw me that knife im going to stab myself with it bc i dont kno how wield it as a tool without hurting myself
opens-up-4-nobody
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8 months
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#theres this feeling i get sometimes. i find it very hard to articulate. its part despair and part awe. dispair at how beautiful the world is
#all those intricate little process coming together to organize the chaos. i dont kno y i feel it so deeply or y it hurts so much
#because its just. no matters what horrible things r going on in the world. ur body is this miraculous collection of chemicals and reactions
#mobile containers of water with a history that spirals back billions of years. and you can hear and see and experience and reflect
#and when you die the world goes on spinning without you. if we as humans destroyed this planet past the part of our ability to inhabit it
#it wouldnt even matter. there would be continued life past humanity. cosmically we r tiny and insignificant and we dont matter
#but were beautiful and wonderful and infinity complex and knowing that leaves me in agony. because i want to kno everything right now but
#mind is too small and i walk around with the disorientation of someone whos just been hit in thr face ans i cant focus enough to read
#cant make the words make sense and i cant justify the time it would take to try. so i sit on my deck. in the sun. crying as i think about
#how the light hit the grass in my front yard the last time i was home. how the cliffs in the backyard are ringed with red lines of iron
#separated out as the water leached through the sandstone. how every avaliable surface is stained green as organisms reach upward toward
#the sun. and its beautiful and i dont kno y im crying. maybe its bc i cant just throw everything aside and chase that feeling. im not
#allowed to feel it. im not allowed to talk abt it in the way i want. bc im afraid no one cares as much as me in the same way. bc when i
#talk abt what i study its obscure and academic and so far from what most ppl think abt that they get intimidated and dont try to understand
#so i just try not to talk abt it. or maybe im just afraid. bc i have my 1st TA meeting tomorrow and i meet with my new advisor friday
#and im worried and im afraid i wont b able to do this in a way that doesnt make me feel like im dying. bc i like to b busy and i like having
#a strict schedule but if u throw me that knife im going to stab myself with it bc i dont kno how wield it as a tool without hurting myself
#sure ill get the job done. but at what cost? whatever. ill try to b better this time. try to hold tight to the wonder. but that feels like
#reaching out into forever. knowing ill never make contact. not knowing what im reaching for.
#the closest approximation to the feeling i can find is that scene in the terror. where go0dsir is asking if god is there. any god. and it
#doesnt matter bc he can see god in the landscape. in an environment that's so harsh and barren that its killing him slowly in the worst of
#ways and its beautiful. its still beautiful to him. there is wonder here. and im wasting my time laying in a dark room crying bc i put
#myself into a container so constrictive that the surface snaps and i come spilling out as an angry liquid. smearing away into nothing
#unrelated
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