#a therapist interpreting my score would keep that in mind if they learned i have adhd and am unmedicated

[moorishflower]

FWIW I've since been informed that the RAADS-R autism diagnostic test has known issues with accuracy linked at least partially to the vagueness of its questions, also any diagnostic test you take online is moot anyway because tests like that need to be taken in conjunction with conversations with a psychologist/psychiatrist/other trained professional. Self diagnosis is an important tool of medical self-advocacy in an age where mental health issues tend to be ignored or poorly understood, but you also have to keep in mind your own limitations and lack of training. It's fun to take a test and say maybe this is the reason I am the way I am but if it really bothers you you can't leave it at that, you gotta get therapied about it.

[daughterofelros]

Hey so I saw your post about Alex and his resilience and how he's rate on a scale and how this relates to his childhood trauma etc and was really curious to know/understand more on the topic and how it manifests with alex but also you mentioned rosa? And the other characters too. If you're happy to elaborate otherwise no worries of course. What interpretations do you make from what we've seen on screen? ☺

Oh my gosh Nonnie, thank you for the juicy, delicious ask!

The Connor-Davidson Resilience Scale (Commonly abbreviated to CD-RISC) measures, in its full version, 25 different statements. Some of the ones that stand out to me in thinking about a bunch of the RNM characters include being able to adapt and change, having close and secure relationships, able to make unpopular/difficult decisions, know where to get help, but they’re all pretty important.

As established in my earlier assessment, Alex Manes = Super Resilient, and that definitely has an effect on the ways he handles the traumas he’s faced over his life.

Let me dive into Rosa little bit more first— Rosa, despite not enduring the specific type of abuse that Alex and Michael did as kids, might actually score in a lower percentile than either of those characters on the resilience scale. Part of this is because adverse childhood experiences, though cumulative, aren’t exactly ranked and scaled. Trauma impacts people differently, and you can’t really say whether growing up feeling abandoned by an alcoholic parent in an otherwise supportive context, or never having a safe parental figure, or having a parent die will impact someone ���worse”—they’re all adversity, and they all have an impact on our health and capacity for resilience. (Also, inequality isn’t a fixed experience in our brains—for more reading on how weird our brains are in this regard, check out “The Broken Ladder: How Inequality Affects the Way We Think, Live, and Die”  by Keith B Payne).So Rosa definitely has adverse childhood experiences that impact her relationships. At the point when we’re first introduced to her, she’s probably in about the worst place she could be there—Her friendships are being proven to be based on what drugs she can score, her relationship with her mother is shredded, and she’s just learned that Arturo isn’t her father. Even though Arturo’s love and support for her wouldn’t budge an inch, she feels separated from the most supportive relationship in her life, and she’s spiraling. She struggles to adapt, her coping mechanisms mess with her brain chemistry where she’s already contending with dopamine issues due to the mental illness she’s battling , and it’s pretty clear that she doesn’t have a strong read on where to get help (Though she’s willing to accept it—Valenti’s help getting clean, having met once with a therapist, leaning into her artwork).  Pressure doesn’t make her think very clearly, and she doesn’t seem like she takes high levels of pride in her achievements, or trust that she can achieve her goals if she works for them. Traumas are going to hit her hard. They’re not going to roll off her back easily. When she comes back to life, she gets a partial reset button, and handles some big trauma pretty well…but she also is terrified of messing it up, and breaks down if anything gets derailed (see: “I Ruined my Miracle”). I’d say she’s doing a great job coping with what she’s got…but her resilience score isn’t the highest. Things hit her hard.

Let’s look at Michael then. He’s got every reason why his resilience score might not be high. He’s dealt with so damn much. But the thing that’s helped him get through is that his resilience score actually seems like it would be pretty well up there. He doesn’t have good parental figure relationships (understatement of the year)—But he’s got a couple of relationships (Max and Isobel) that won’t abandon him, no matter how he pushes, even when everything is burning around them. Michael clearly believes that working toward goals means he can achieve them. He’s been trying to build the spaceship to take him back home since he was, like, eight. That’s goal-oriented right there! He’s not going to score well in the “getting help” vector at all, but he does work extremely well under pressure (his genius increases when he’s pissed off). Michael also clearly believes that he can deal with whatever comes his way, he ultimately doesn’t give up when things look hopeless (alien pacemaker in 7 hours), and I’d bet my bottom dollar that he would agree that coping with stress has made him stronger. He’d probably rank himself pretty high on the “Can make difficult or unpopular decisions” factor—choosing to take the blame and protect Isobel, volunteering to be the alien who gets turned into the authorities…there are flaws in his reasoning on the last one, and definitely some internalized feelings of his life not being as important…but he shows a clear propensity for being willing to make unspeakably challenging decisions. He probably won’t rank high in the “Pride in my achievements” vector, and that hits up against the things he’s internalized from the ACES he’s had piled on him—from childhood abuse and abandonment right up to Jesse Manes, crippling injury, and covering up murders. His resilience is high, but he’s coping with a lot, and he doesn’t have as many tools to keep coping as, say, Alex does.  We can also see that there’s a pretty debilitating impact when he shifts to the knowledge that his Mom was alive and he watched her die… and then starts to question why she didn’t take him out of the Pod to be with her in 1947. He starts to have thoughts about abandonment that he hadn’t had when he just thought his Mom died in the crash…and that paired with Max’s death really, really throws him. He rejects connections that have ever been tied up in pain and abandonment, and we see him spiraling. His resilience definitely dips when those circumstances occur…and as we see him trust in some of his relationships again, we see his ability to cope return as well. With the right tools and support, he can actually do a lot of healing yet too.

Isobel probably scores pretty high on the scale at the beginning of season 1. She’s had some adverse childhood experiences from waking up from the pods, from being attacked in the desert as a teen., but she’s made it through all of that without a ton of trauma responses (given that the blackouts turned out to be mind control) She’s confident in her goals, her relationships, she’s strong in her decision-making, she believes she’s built herself a good life. She has a supportive family, Max is her person, she’s got Michael, and her husband is amazingly supportive. We don’t see much in the way of friends, but she’s got a Boss-Ass support structure. Until she realizes she doesn’t. That Noah is a thread of rot through all of it, and she’s been deceived on an inconceivable level. And then she loses Max.

Isobel at the beginning of Season 2 would fill this assessment out very, very differently. And the sharp drop in some of the factors of her resilience really make her struggle. Her confidence in herself as a strong person is deeply under review, and she’s leaning a little hard into the god-like powers aspect of herself. Knocking Rosa out with a book is a really alarming manifestation of how her reasoning and coping skills are out of alignment. She’d probably use it as evidence for her ability to make unpopular decisions though. She’d score really high in the vector regardless though—because choosing to terminate a pregnancy in a town like Roswell…that takes so damn much resilience, ability to make decisions under pressure, etc.  She’s still got the resilience that comes from her goal setting and working for things she values though—her training with her powers shows that pretty clearly.

Isobel definitely isn’t going to score high in the “Knows where to get help” vector though. She refuses therapy, refuses help from family, doesn’t seek medical assistance, and almost dies as a result of her abortion, when she would have had all kinds of support from people around her if she’d been able to reach out. Even when she’s struggling, she has a history of resilience to draw on though.

Let’s talk Cam for a moment—we don’t have a lot of info on her childhood, but Cam actually seems to be a character with high scores across the board—for only having 2 years in Roswell, she forms connections pretty readily, goes to people for help, is focused on goals, takes pride in her work. She handles most things with aplomb, and isn’t easily manipulated. Jesse Manes has to work pretty hard on her to get her to bat an eyelash. That’s particularly interesting given the relationship that resilience has in attenuating depression effects and PTSD effects on people with combat experience.

Max is hard to talk about, because we don’t know a lot about where he is this season, and what the trauma of dying and being kept in a pod in constant pain is going to do to him. He seems reasonably able to deal with the hardships he’s faced prior to this, shows a propensity to be able to make unpopular decisions, and is probably the character who is most consistently and intentionally shown investing in relationships. I’d imagine that his resistance score is at least in the middling percentiles. Max is also pretty much the character it’s hardest to wrap my brain around when I’m writing, so that’s why I think I struggle in guessing how he’d assess himself here too.

Kyle is so interesting, because he’s a character who seems to know himself really well, and has maybe also changed the most over 10 years. Kyle these days really values and invests in his relationships—His Mom, Liz, rebuilding a friendship with Alex, trusting Cam. He’s dedicated in pursuing goals, takes pride in his accomplishments, has a reasonably good idea of where to seek help, works well under pressure. He’s had a lot of advantages in life, and while med school definitely tests his resilience and endurance, I don’t know how much his resilience has had to help him get through trauma before this.  I do know that the scene where he almost buys a gun is one of my favorites, because it shows him trying to cope with crisis and handle a lot of stress. I don’t think we’ve seen a full enough arc of how he’s coping yet though—I think there’s more to come.

Maria DeLuca strikes me as scoring relatively high on resilience assessments (or at least the high end of mid-to-upper range). She’s caring for a mother with dementia, runs a business, and deals with racism and misogyny in a town like Roswell, which it’s well-established is renowned for both of those things. Maria has really strong relationships—her Mother is a huge priority, her friends matter deeply to her (fandom drama over ships aside, and whether Alex should forgive her for dating Michael or not, Maria in canon expresses a lot of care for her friends, worries if she’s hurt them, and forgives when she’s hurt herself). She’s close with Arturo, she visits Rosa’s grave once a month. She does a lot of giving, not a lot of getting back, and feels pretty shaken when she’s deceived, but she still has a lot of stable relationships to lean into. She’s…not great at asking for help, or letting on that she needs it- she tries to go everything alone. But she also problem-solves, she pursues her goals, she believes that you get what you work for  (“No one ever accused me of a lack of hustle”),  and she doesn’t give up when she feels hopeless.  She’s probably middle of the road on handling unpleasant feelings—some she handles well, some she reacts intensely to, some she buries. It seems like when a crisis happens, she’s conflicted and struggling in the moment, but processes through things in a reasonably short time. I’d say one of the places that she doesn’t score that high on is the ability to adapt to change. She gets there eventually, but that’s where she struggles the most. The thing is, because of what she’s faced with in daily life, she’s constantly utilizing her resilience. It’s something she leans on all the time.

Liz is brilliant, and amazing, and it’s kind of hard for me to parse this out for her. Strong relationships, she’s got those. She’s great at adapting, great at problem-solving and pursuing her goals. She sees herself as strong, faces challenges, sees the humor in things, bounces back from setbacks, honestly, she would score pretty well in every category. I think there’s pretty clear evidence that with all the things she’s accomplished and all the things she’s endured, Liz Ortecho is a wellspring of resilience, and it definitely attenuates the long-term negative effects she might face from her experiences. She faces some of the same adverse childhood experiences that her sister does, but reacts very differently. Their resilience—despite the similarity of their contexts for nurture—differs substantially…and that’s even before we add in the trauma of Rosa’s death that Liz contends with.

Overall, the characters on this show are a resilient bunch. I’m watching some other shows right now as I make masks for my community, and it strikes me that most of the RNM characters would score higher on the CD-RISC assessment than the characters on those other TV shows (many of whom hold a relatively large amount of privilege).

But notably, the characters on RNM strike me as far more like the people who move through my community every day. Overwhelmingly, my community is comprised of queer people, people of color, homeless and unaccompanied youth, people dealing with mental health issues, sexual assault survivors, abuse survivors, folks with PTSD and DID, and people who would be considered low-socioeconomic status. My community is made up almost entirely of people who deal with adverse experiences, and had intense adverse childhood experiences. Resilience is the norm. Resilience ends up being a key word in almost every letter of recommendation I write. And one of the reasons I love RNM so much is that the characters are brought to life quite realistically. There’s a lot of different truths from experience, and a lot of different paths to similar truth. But overwhelmingly, their responses to these impossible events are grounded in realistic depictions. When it comes to character development, this might just be some of the best writing I’ve ever seen on TV. And for a show that’s solidly in the sci-fi realm…it’s possibly the most realistic show I’ve ever seen.

[grims-classpects]

Can I have a session analysis? It consists of an anxious but helpful Rogue of Light, a depressed but sweet Sylph of Life, an overemotional but selfless Maid of Space, an angry but loyal Prince of Time, and a confrontational but logical Thief of Heart.

You have both cardinal aspects

You have a slight preference for active classes

You have a strong preference for positive aspects

You do not have any repeated classes or aspects

Huh, those bullets look kindof like my last one. But hheeey, thanks for the ask! This looks like a prettyinteresting session, and at a glance I think that the thief is probably goingto be pulling this session into motion and taking leadership rolls; by thesound of the personalities, the group will do well emotionally supporting each otherand working as a team but that might take up a lot of their time and energythat could have been spent “better” planning out the final battle and howthey’re all going to get there.

Maid of space

Maids of space are very, veryuseful to have, and as long as she progresses well she should be great she willbe a loyal force that could easily turn the tides of a battle with her powers.At first she might be quite reliant on the group, as maids often are. She getsoffended and upset over petty drama easily and cares about her friends a lot-maybe a little too much, to the pointthat she might become quite stuck on one thing. It is after entering the gamewhen she embraces her aspect fully that she might learn that people change,grow and improve. Sburb will challenge people and it is crucial that sheaccepts these challenges and grows from them- after learning about the risks,fighting off bosses and laboriously collecting frogs will she still getemotional over the things she used to think were a big deal?

Even before when she wasgetting overemotional about things, she still sounds like the type that keepsfriends together, even at the cost of her own emotional health. As the gameprogresses she will continue to help stop fights before they even happen and possiblytake on a more motherly role, protecting the creativity and freedom of herteammates to do as they wish.

Role: Power wise, the maid ofspace is possibly one of the most powerful and useful classes of all the gamebecause the maid’s description entails “creating and preserving”. With the helpof some of her teammates which it sounds like she’s already pretty close to,collecting frogs and creating the genesis frog should be a pinch. It doesn’tstop there though- if she ascends, she could play an important part defensivelyon the battle field and after. She may be able to heal the battlefield(although that may be heading into Sylph’s territory there), create actualspace- as in, put space between the team and the enemy, as well as preservespace. Preserving space can be interpreted in many ways. It could meanpreserving the planets and keeping them out of harm’s way, or preservingcertain pockets in space so that nothing can get through to that area. I’d goon, but this is getting a lil long ^_^;;

Prince of time

I’ve actually gone throughprinces of time in my last analysis funny enough, but a key difference here isthat it is stated that he is loyal. Loyal but angry. Unless there’s a lot ofbuild-up, his friends should be able to see if he’s going to snap or not andwith a sylph of life as well as many other positive aspects, that day where hebreaks down might never come. Princes often ghost their aspect, so it willprobably be he who is the spontaneous and, (possibly to the surprise of hisfriends) creatively capable and good at thinking himself out of problems(something he them might rub in their face for ever doubting him. Which theymight jokingly accept.). These roles would switch when the prince learns of hisresponsibilities as a time player.

Before that key point he willhave been “killing time”- beating around the bush and doing side quests or“helping” with friends’ ones (annoying them and making them frustrated with hisown easily angered self). After that key point he will have to pick up theslack and start using his time travelling powers to help out or, if he can’taccept that, destroy through time, effectively dooming the timeline. Hopefullythat won’t happen though as long as his teammates keep him on track ;)

Role: It is only after helearns to become responsible with his time travelling abilities that he can behelpful, before that there is the slight chance he’d be helpful, but also thegreater chance that he’d just go wherever his whims wanted him too. On thebattlefield in the fight against the black king and queen, you can creativelyinterpret his powers yourself on “destroying time” to see how destructive he’dbe. You could imagine that he killed time in one place so that everythingaround the area went on whilst that spot and everything in it was frozen. Inthe opposite way, if he was to destroy through time, he might be able torapidly speed up time in certain areas so that people age until they become oldand incapable.

Rogue of light

Light is all about relevance,the importance of things, luck and information. This player will, possiblywithout realising it, be redistributing information among her peers as she seesfit. Although she’s not very comfortable in the spot light herself, she willalways make sure everyone gets their fair share of importance themselves. Shepays attention to the little voices and listens for something important, and ifshe hears something that she thinks others will hear, she’ll be the one to go“uh, guys? So and so has got a fair point…”

Rogues often struggle withtheir aspect initially, and her anxiety proves that. She will take theimportance from herself and give it to others, possibly believing that sheisn’t very helpful and that other people are more important. She faces theproblem of fading into the shadows completely and thinking herself entirelyuseless, at which point she risks inverting into a knight of void and trying anew perspective for “helping” by exploiting people’s secrets…

Honestly it’s great you gaveme a bit of background info there because she sounds very interesting and witha rogue of light, you could have literally any personality I’ve realised.

Role: If she breaks out ofher nervousness and realises her own potential, the rogue could be one of thebest tacticians in the group along with the thief of mind. She could getinformation round the group at lightning fast speed, as well as acting like aspy on the black kings and queens and stealing their plans, giving them to herteam. She could steal the luck from opponents and make them miss, giving theluck to her allies who would then score critical hits.

Sylph of life

A sylph of life is basicallythe best healer in the game, both emotionally and physically. Like the rogue,she probably puts a lot of emphasis on other people, and takes joy out ofmaking others feel better and inspired. She knows how to get people up offtheir feet and moving, which is pretty good if you’re trying to get the princeto accept his title as a hero of time. It’s too bad she doesn’t follow her ownadvice of staying upbeat and positive.

Whether it’s problems athome, or she simply feels neglected by placing so much attention on the groupbut no once asking how she is doing(the latter is less likely considering you have the rogue of light) and thisproblem is going to grow and grow unless someone does something about it.

Role: The sylph of life isthe best healer in the game, though she cannot restore life like the maid can,she can bring people back from the brink of death and I suspect she can do thatmore than just once. Fully realised, she will be the primary healer.

Thief of heart

Oh god… I kind of forgotabout the thief until now and jaesoos I forgot that this one is arguably thebiggest threat to the session. There’s a lot of interpretation here, but Ibelieve that the thief initially is a bit of an identity stealer, or the typethat sees a good idea or passion and takes it for their own, but then afterascending to god tier is able to steal souls. Yeah instead of just destroyingthem, the thief can steal the souls and will of someone, making the body a merepuppet for the thief to use at whim.

Anyway, that went off on abit of a tangent but it makes you realise that dang this thief better refrainfrom pissing off her friends too much by stealing the happiness and passionfrom them (by this I mean, imagine if your sylph had a passion for growingthings. The thief might take this passion away and become a champion gardenerherself, outdoing the sylph and stealing the positivity from her by paradingaround her triumph as the best grower). The key thing here is that she seems tobe quite goal orientated which I take it what you meant by logical. She knowsto be careful with her power. She knows where to move people along and play thestring puller, but she can’t do this without being bossy.

The prince of time isprobably one of the only people that will stand up to him, and even though the sylphof life is good at motivating people, it will be the thief that shoves him in agood or bad direction and this is game changing.

Role: She is anothertactican, and even though the rogue might be better at regulating information,it is the theif that steps up to the challenge of being leader and as long asshe doesn’t get too angry at the other players or the other players don’t getangry at her, she should play a somewhat stable, if a little uneasy, leader.Also a heavy hitter, as said in the first paragraph. If she so chose, she couldbrainwash consorts and carpacians alike to raise an army!

Summary:

This got pretty negative, butplease bear in mind I’m the type of person that picks out what could go wrongfor the sake of conflict, because conflict is interesting to me >xpHonestly, this is a pretty good team and in terms of a solid unit, you’ve got aleader, tactican, therapist and the like. For the battle, your prince and thiefare heavy hitters, your maid is a tank and strong on the defence of the landwhilst the sylph is a healer of the heavy hitters and the rogue, distributing luck,is just the icing on the cake.

If you get to the finalbattle without the prince or thief going rogue, you’ve got this in the bag.

[random-fandom-infinite]

My First™ Yuri on Ice Meta!

[Just a note – since I’m an English speaker I’ll be referring to the English subs in this Meta – my apologies if I miss any subtleties in the language.

Also this is pretty long and has a bunch of swears in it. Also it’s about Ep12, so spoilers. I also talk about anxiety, so if that bothers you, tread carefully. Also this is super long. Apologies if the “read more” doesn’t work.

Also, also, I don’t know how to take screen caps, so all I have are quotes. Sorry y’all.]

So I’ve been thinking about Yuri on Ice Episode 12, because there were a couple scenes that felt strange to me (and possibly others) – specifically, what Victor Said to Yuri right before he preformed his Free Skate.

I mean, the big thing everyone wanted to see in episode 12 was Victor and Yuri hash out their feelings – and basically what it comes down to, is most people expected Victor to say something along the lines of, “Yuri, I still love you. No matter what happens.” But we didn’t get that. Instead we got, “how is it possible that you still haven’t won a single gold medal?” and a lot of people (me included) were like … “WHAT THE FUCK? VICTOR WHAT ARE YOU DOING? YOU CAN’T JUST SAY SOMETHING LIKE THAT TO YURI KATSUKI OF ALL PEOPLE!”

But then there was smiling, and crying, and hugging, and everyone kind of went, “Whaaaa?”

And looking back on it, I think Victor said EXACTLY the right thing.

And here’s why.

This is what we know about Yuri, and what he’s receptive to when he’s upset.

-        A girl once tired to hug him when his friend got hurt – he pushed her away because “[He] didn’t want her to think [he] was feeling unsettled” and “[He] felt like she was intruding on [his] feelings” ep4. He hates having people coddle him and treating him like a weakling.

-        His friends and family know how to support him without “crossing the line” ep4. “Minako-Sensei, Nishigori, Yuko-chan and my family never treated me like a weakling. They all had faith that I’d keep growing as a person” ep4.  

-        Yuri seems reserved, but is INCREDIBLY competitive. “He actually hates losing” ep2.

-        In episode 7, after “shattering” Yuri’s heart, Victor says, point-blank, that he doesn’t know what to do. So Yuri tells him EXACTYLY what he needs. “Just have more faith than I do that I’ll win! You don’t have to say anything. Just stand by me!” ep7. This fits in with the previously established approach that Yuri’s friends and family use – namely, “They all HAD FAITH that [He’d] keep growing as a person”

So WHY is “I love you, no matter what happens,” the WRONG thing to say?

Because it leaves room for doubt.

Let me explain.

To a calm, confident, or otherwise non-anxious person, this phrase seems really innocuous. At its core, it means: “You always have my love, and you don’t need to worry about disappointing me – so go out there and just do your best!”  

But to someone with anxiety (or at the very least severe confidence issues), like Yuri, it sounds a little different.

Now, just clarify, this is my own interpretation, as some who also struggles with severe self-esteem issues and anxiety. (I realize everyone with anxiety is a bit different, so I can really only speak to my experiences).

To someone like Yuri, who NEEDS PEOPLE TO HAVE FAITH IN HIM, this is not a comforting phrase, because anxiety makes you miss the “I love you” part, and instead makes you focus on the “no matter what”, part.

The “no matter what” in this case, means “whether you win or lose” – which is reminder that that OH DEAR LORD THERE IS STILL THE POSSIBILITY THAT YOU WILL LOSE.

“I love you, no matter what” is a phrase people say when they’re preparing for the worst. It would be like Victor saying, “I hope you win, and I think you probably will. But if you don’t, then whatever, I guess”.

Which isn’t BAD per se, but it dismisses all of the work Yuri has put into this one moment. And it would make Yuri’s train of thought go a bit like this:

“Ok, Victor will love me, even if I lose,” – “I mean, he’s probably just saying that. I’m sure I’ll win … but what if I ACTUALLY lose though?” – “Wait, is he saying that because he THINKS I REALLY AM going to lose?” – “IS HE EXPECTING ME TO LOSE?” – “HOLY SHIT, HE THINKS I’M GOING TO LOSE!” – “NO, NO, NO, STOP IT. FUCK!” – “VICTOR HAS NO FAITH IN ME, HOW CAN I POSSIBLY WIN NOW!?”

Remember, it’s been clearly stated that Victor’s Faith in Yuri is one of the keys to his success. Yuri wants to make Victor proud, and show the world that Victor taking time off to coach him has not been a waste. He wants to prove he deserves Victor – he wants to surpass Victor and be worthy of skating on the same ice as him.  If Yuri thinks, for even an instant, that Victor is not 100% with him, he is at risk of self-destructing. We see hints of this in Episode 11, when Victor is watching the other Short Programs.

Now, obviously, this is all in Yuri’s head. We as an audience know that Victor loves Yuri unconditionally. But that’s the thing – Yuri’s entire character arc is about him finding his confidence – successfully managing his anxiety, and growing as a person. Victor is the one who helps him achieve this.

Throughout the series, they’ve made it a point to avoid the “Love fixes everything” trope – which is AWESOME. Just because Victor and Yuri are in love doesn’t automatically make his anxiety go away.

Instead, throughout the series, Victor slowly learns how to manage Yuri’s anxiety, mostly by trial and error (and he fucks up – A LOT) but ALSO by having faith in him and working through his emotions with him, instead of brushing them off. “When I open up, he meets me where I am” ep4.

Sometimes Victor doesn’t even say anything at all, because he knows that’s not what Yuri needs. “You don’t have to say anything. Just stand by me!” (YURI ep7) – compare that to episode 11 – after Yuri’s SP score is announced, Victor stays quiet, thinking, “What should I give Yuri now?”

So here’s the OTHER thing about “I love you, no matter what happens”.

It completely dismisses the very real, very intense emotions Yuri is feeling.

It’s the Grand Prix final, and as far as Yuri’s concerned at this point, it’s the LAST time he will skate competitively, AND he’s determined to win gold to make Victor proud and prove himself to the world. Not to be too hyperbolic, but to Yuri, this is THE MOST IMPORTANT THING THAT HAS EVER HAPPENED.

He is under a SHIT TON is pressure – and I mean, that’s a SHIT TON of pressure for ANYONE – even someone without anxiety. And by throwing out a flippant “I love you, no matter what”, you’re basically saying, “Your emotions are invalid. The results are meaningless, don’t worry about it”. It’s like telling a person with Depression to just “cheer up” – that’s not how it fucking works. It doesn’t MATTER that this person “loves you” – because at this exact instant, Love is not the issue. Winning is the issue. Winning is where the focus is. There’s no time to think about anything else.

Sometimes anxiety will cause you to fixate – you worry about things until they become too massive to cope with. In the most basic of layman’s terms, your “fight or flight” reflex is sounding all kinds of alarms and there’s NOTHING you can do to turn them off. (Most therapists will work with you to develop coping strategies to help “turn them off” so you can function in the real world). For me, personally, the worst thing someone can do when I’m anxious or having a panic attack is trying to take my mind off it. Relaxing, soothing words mean nothing, because in my overwhelmed mind it’s like, “THERE IS A PROBLEM! WHY ARE YOU IGNORING THE PROBLEM? DON’T TELL ME NOT TO THINK ABOUT IT – HELP ME FIX IT!”

Plus, we KNOW Yuri doesn’t like being coddled – so gently cooing an indulgent “I Love You” is REALLY missing the mark. “Oh poor baby, I’ll love you even if you lose” is absolutely NOT the kind of thing that would motivate Yuri.

And besides, Yuri already KNOWS he has Victor’s love no matter what. They’re fucking ENGAGED – Victor is literally prepared to be with Yuri for the rest of their lives. To shed some light on this, in episode 7, we have this exchange:

“But this time I’m anxious because my mistakes would reflect on you, too! I’ve been wondering if you secretly want to quit!” (YURI ep7)

“Of course I don’t” (VICTOR ep7)

“I know!” (YURI ep7)

Catch that? Yuri says, “I KNOW”. He literally screams it.  He knows, logically, that Victor doesn’t want to leave – but he still worries about it, regardless.  

But, that’s the other fun thing about anxiety – logic has no place here. Logically, Yuri knows Victor is happy with him, he knows Victor was just trying to get through to him by testing him, he KNOWS Victor isn’t just going to fuck off somewhere. But then his anxiety whispers, “But what if he DOES …” and that’s all it takes.  

Yuri is overwhelmingly stressed – and emotions don’t just disappear because you want them to. There are no magic words to make it all better. So instead of a generic platitude, instead of trying to take his mind off how he’s feeling, Victor meets Yuri’s anxiety head-on, and says something truly meaningful instead.

So WHY is “how is it possible that you still haven’t won a single gold medal?” the RIGHT thing to say?

Because it leaves ABSOLUTELY NO room for doubt.

Let me explain.

Let’s break down that moment in Episode 12. First, Victor says:

“Don’t worry, you can win Gold, Yuri. Believe in yourself”

Now, this is Coach Victor™ spouting off some generic platitudes. This is what literally every coach has ever said to every athlete ever in the history of the universe. This is Coach Victor™ not knowing what to say, and bumbling is way through another encounter with Anxious Yuri™.

And Yuri is having absolutely none of that shit. He says:

“Hey, Victor, you said before that you want to stay true to yourself, right? Don’t suddenly start trying to sound like a coach now.”

Yuri is 100% calling him out. There are more layers to this of course – that Yuri wants Victor to just be himself – to be the skater who inspired his whole career.  They’ve gotten this far because they’re Victor & Yuri™ and they have the Power of Love on their side – not because Victor is the world best coach.

 Yuri then goes on to say:

 “I want to smile for my last time on the ice.”

To me, this is a plea – Yuri wants to talk to Victor; Not Coach Victor™. He wants the Victor who meets him where he is. The Victor who said, “Tomorrow, show me the skating that you honestly liked the best” ep10. The Victor he loves. Yuri absolutely DOES NOT WANT the generic, “I love you, no matter what happens”. He wants Victor – brutally honest, genuine Victor.

So Victor flips his hair, rolls up his sleeves and spits some sick truth:

“Yuri, listen to me. I debated whether I should tell you this now, but … I took a break after becoming the 5 time world champion to coach you, so how is it possible that you still haven’t won a single gold medal?”

And this is the part where we as fans (including me) collectively went, “HEY, WHAT THE FUCK?”

But wait … “how is it possible that you still haven’t won a single gold medal?” doesn’t this sound familiar? Where have I heard this before?

 Oh, that’s right – Episode 3:

“How many times have you messed up during a competition? You have the skill to win. Why can’t you make it happen?” (VICTOR ep3)

“Well that’s probably because … I lack confidence” (YURI ep3)

 “Right. My job is to make you feel confident in yourself” (VICTOR ep3)

 All the way back in episode 3, at the start of the series, Victor reveals that HE PERSONALLY BELIEVES that Yuri has the skills to win a Gold Medal. He says it point-blank, right to Yuri’s face. He’s seen Yuri FLAWLESSLY REPLICATE his program for “Stay Close to Me” – an INCREDIBLY DIFFICUT, GOLD-MEDAL-WINNING PROGRAM.

It’s almost as if Victor has had faith in Yuri this entire time – but Yuri’s anxiety just wouldn’t let him accept that.

Oh wait. That’s EXACTLY what’s going on. And we all know that what Yuri needs most of all, especially when he’s overwhelmed, is for Victor to have FAITH in him. And to “Just stand by [him]!” ep7.

So with that in mind, the line reads less as, “Yuri you suck. Why can’t you win anything? Wasn’t my coaching good enough for you?” and it starts to read like this:

“Yuri, listen to me. I debated whether I should tell you this now, but … WHAT. THE. ACTUAL. FUCK? You are SO GODDAMN TALENTED that I LITERALLY CANNOT COMPREHEND how it is PHYSICALLY possible that you have not won a gold medal yet!!! I’m not even competing this year – you’re not stuck in my shadow! There is ABSOLUTELY NOTHING standing in your way. I believe with all my heart and soul that you are the BEST skater here – so GO GET THAT GODDAMN MEDAL ALREADY BECAUSE WE WORKED SO HARD AND YOU FUCKING DESERVE IT”.  

Victor has SO MUCH FAITH in Yuri that he is LITERALLY BAFFLED by the fact that Yuri hasn’t won a Gold Medal. Notice how he says “How is it possible …” rather than, “You haven’t won anything yet” or “you have to win something”. IT’S A QUESTION. He KNOWS that Yuri is so talented and so dedicated, and the very idea that Yuri could lose because of this “confidence thing” is just absolutely unacceptable to Victor. He sees AMAZING things in Yuri – and he always has. Like he said in episode 3, he’s made it his job to bring Yuri’s confidence out.

So how does that fit in with Yuri’s anxiety? This seems like the kind of thing that would put even more pressure on him.

But let’s review what we know about Yuri.

-        He hates having people coddle him and treating him like a weakling.

-        His friends and family all had faith that he’d keep growing as a person. This is the same type of Faith he needs Victor to express – “Just have more faith than I do that I’ll win! You don’t have to say anything. Just stand by me!” ep7.

-        Yuri is INCREDIBLY competitive. “He actually hates losing” ep2.

So instead of being soft and sweet – wishy-washy, doubtful and coddling, Victor is brutally honest – he gives Yuri what he needs – which in this case, is a fucking wake-up call.

Next, Victor says:

“How much longer are you going to stay in warm-up mode?”

Here, he’s meeting Yuri where he is, by issuing this challenge – he phrases it in such a way that Yuri is certain to respond to it. He knows that Yuri is under HUGE amounts of pressure, and inside, he’s facing down a massive stream of negative nonsense – so he helps Yuri fight it by voicing his absolute, immoveable, unwavering Faith in him. Here, Victor is basically saying, “I know you’re good enough to win – and more importantly, YOU know you’re good enough to win, so what the fuck are you waiting for?”He has more faith that Yuri is going to win than Yuri does. And he’s making sure Yuri knows it.

He’s doing EXACTLY what Yuri told him to do in episode 7.

And finally, we have this little gem:

“I really want to kiss the gold medal”

Can you think of a more quintessentially “Victor Nikiforov” thing to say? Yuri wants Victor to stay true to himself – so Victor obliges. This statement is so perfectly, genuinely Victor – it’s flirty, and coy, and challenging and blunt and surprising. And the little whine in his voice when he says it? Like, literally slays me.

And again, he leaves no room for doubt. He doesn’t say “If you win the gold medal, I’ll kiss it”. He says, “I really want to kiss the gold medal”.

It’s not an “IF”. It’s a “WHEN”.

It’s definitely still a challenge – but he’s not issuing an ultimatum. He’s not saying, “prove your love with a gold medal” or, “we won’t get married until you win” he’s saying “DON’T YOU DARE SABOTAGE YOURSELF AGAIN. YOU ARE GOING TO WIN. NOW BRING ME THAT GOD DAMN MEDAL SO I CAN KISS IT”

There is ABSOLUTELY NO doubt in Victor’s mind that Yuri will win. He presents this as a fact of nature. It’s like – water is wet. The earth revolves around the sun. And Yuri Katsuki will win the Gold Medal at the Grand Prix Final.

And when he does, Victor Nikiforv is going to kiss it. And then he’s going to kiss Yuri. And then he’s going to take a selfie of them and the medal, and then he’s going to take a selfie of himself kissing the medal, and then he’s going to take a selfie of him and Yuri kissing while Yuri’s wearing the medal.  

He’s already planning for Yuri’s win.

So, in conclusion – why is “how is it possible that you still haven’t won a single gold medal?” better than “I love you, no matter what happens”?

Because there’s a HUGE difference between saying, “I love you” and “I believe in you”.

And we know that “I love you, no matter what happens” isn’t how Yuri wants to be loved and motivated – and it ALSO it isn’t how Victor would genuinely GIVE his love either.

In episode 4, Victor says, “Ok, I won’t let you off easy, then. That’s my way of showing my love”. And he never does let Yuri off easy – he doesn’t let Yuri hide his feelings, he doesn’t let Yuri back down from challenges, he doesn’t let Yuri slack off when he knows Yuri can do better. He has faith in him.

You can see it in the way he talks about Yuri throughout the series. He’s constantly pushing Yuri to be better. And he’s constantly telling people how much he believes in Yuri.

“You have the skill to win. Why can’t you make it happen?” (VICTOR ep3)

 “Yuri, you’re not weak. No one else thinks that either.” (VICTOR ep4)

“Hmm … since you weren’t under pressure, I thought you’d score in the hundreds” (VICTOR ep5)

“Of course, you’ll see Yuri be perfect” (VICTOR ep5)

“You can score even higher, so don’t feel down, ok Yuri?” (VICTOR ep5)

“Now that Yuri can do a quadruple flip, he’ll definitely win at the Rostelecom Cup and advance to the Grand Prix Final!” (VICTOR ep7)

“Right now I see a lot of potential in Katsuki Yuri’s skating” (VICTOR ep8)

“How is it possible that you still haven’t won a single gold medal?” (VICTOR ep12)

It turns out that this moment in episode 12 really isn’t out of place at all.

In this moment, Yuri didn’t need to hear “I love you” he needed to hear “I believe in you”. And that’s exactly what Victor says. Victor is showing his love by “not letting Yuri off easy” – and it means so much more than “I love you, no matter what”.

So while it looked pretty harsh and weird to us as an audience – this moment between Victor and Yuri is actually so full of tenderness and understanding. Victor FINALLY says what Yuri needs to hear. Yuri FINALLY starts to realize the FULL extent of Victor’s adoration of him – on AND off the ice. They’re still in the middle of making major, life-changing decisions, but for this one beautiful moment it they’re in sync – there’s a sudden clarity, and everything else can wait.

I think, especially for western audiences, we’re so used to having everything spelled out for us (looking at you, Hollywood), that we sometimes feel cheated when things don’t go “according to plan”. Characters in love have to kiss. Characters in love have to say “Will You Marry Me?” Characters in love have to say “I love you no matter what”.  But it’s so much more raw and real to see a relationship play out with its own unique little quirks. Its more engaging to watch two actual people trying to figure out how another living, breathing human works – how their partner thinks and feels; How to figure out what their lover needs – and how to be selfless enough to give it to them.

Sometimes it’s more fun when things don’t go according to plan.