#accidentally wrote 1.5k of analysis whoops

[bookshelfdreams]

what's UP i wanna talk abt the pirate show some more, bear with me

so in connection with this post and also this ask I've gotten, I really want to talk about Stede's and Mary's marriage a bit. Specifically how Stede being fucked up the way he is lead to the marriage being so shitty, and the short conversation scene from ep4.

I have seldom seen two people interpret the same conversation so widely differently. They're talking but they're absolutely failing to communicate.

Before we go in, some basics about both of them. Mary is, all things considered, probably a pretty normal, well-adjusted person. She's not very enthusiastic about her marriage but she's not violently opposed to it either. She doesn't have any romantic notions; she knows this may well end every dream she ever hoped to achieve. And I think we need to acknowledge that she's very justified in being wary of Stede. She doesn't know anything about him; and she doesn't have any way to protect herself, not really, should he turn out to be a dick. He could be emotionally or physically abusive. He could gamble away all their money; he could plunge her into poverty. She has no idea what to expect of him but she knows he would be capable of thoroughly fucking her over.

But! She's also not meeting Stede in bad faith, not really. From the very beginning we can see her reaching out to him. She takes his hand at their wedding; they're a team now, for better or worse. Yes, she doesn't love him, but that doesn't mean they can't become friends in time, yk? She's probably seen loveless marriages play out in her social circle and she knows she can make this work.

Now Stede. Stede is, as I've mentioned, decidedly not well adjusted. "I thought I could marry for love", he says and what he means is: I thought I could find someone who would love me, one day. His father sneers at this; "Peasants marry for love" because in their social class marriage is a business contract above everything else. But Stede, who all his life has been told that he's defective and unworthy, hears "Shut the fuck up, no one could ever love you". He's so used to being met with disdain and disgust, he doesn't consider a marriage where, even if there's no romantic love, they could still respect and value each other. So when they meet, he already knows Mary isn't super excited about this all and he takes it to mean she just despises him like everyone else.

Just look at this shot.

This is them having their wedding picture taken sketched.

He's so careful not to touch her; to perform closeness without actually subjecting her to it. He's trying to be respectful of her and to keep himself as far away as possible. You can almost hear his thoughts here: "I know you don't want me here, this will be over soon".

But it comes off as "I can't even bear to touch you". From her point of view, Stede can't stand her presence, not even performatively, not even a few minutes.

Ok. This is the actual wedding.

Seldom have I seen two people so much on the same page about anything. Neither of them wants to be there! It's almost comical how much you'd expect this to work. It should be the easiest thing in the world for them to have an honest conversation about their respective needs and expectations.

And Mary knows this. As soon as she sees Stede's face she takes his hand, and I read that as an expression of support. She's showing him that they're in this together, they can make this work.

But. Communication turns out to be impossible.

The next time we see them, he's reading and she's drinking. "Will you please play with your children",she says and means: Show an interest in your family. Because they cannot talk to each other and I hate to say it but it's mostly Stede's fault. He keeps himself closed off because he's learned early on that he is repulsive and if he opens up, he's gonna get hurt.

So he doesn't. So he rejects any attempt at connection.

And Mary keeps reaching out! She shows him the painting and it's genuinely lovely art, thoughtful and a piece of her. She opens up; she's saying "I made a promise to you and I still want to make this work, work with me".

Stede, though, doesn't realize that what she's doing. He asks if the children made the painting not because he dislikes it (he loves it in fact) but because he doesn't consider the possibility that this is Mary, trying to make a connection. He's closing up on her, again and again, and doesn't even realize that's what he's doing. He honestly doesn't consider that she wants to connect to him! That she wants, needs to be his friend!

He thinks she's disgusted with him, but she isn't, not at first, and not for many years. Mary only becomes frustrated when it looks like Stede is deliberately disregarding her needs and her feelings again and again, for seemingly no reason other than sheer dislike.

(And the scene with the boat model is similar, but I'm gonna skip that since this post is too long as is)

And the conversation this post was supposed to be about is where this all culminates and laid bare for everyone to see.

"I know you're unhappy", Mary says. "I'm unhappy too."

She's still trying to connect. She's admitting to being unhappy to show Stede she understands and moreover, that they're on the same boat. That there is common ground, and that it doesn't have to be this way if they can just talk about it.

But Stede's first instinct is to deny it and immediately push her away. "I'm not unhappy" is an obvious lie. But. The thing is. Stede doesn't recognize this as an attempt at solving their problems. He's not really hearing her.

Because what he's been taught is "Your feelings are shameful and you should not have them". And "Whenever you reach out to someone, they will hurt you". And "Nobody could ever care for you".

And with these core assumptions, when Mary tells him she hears him cry sometimes, he doesn't read that as sympathetic even though that's clearly how it's meant.

He reads it as a scolding and a threat.

And so he denies it. He refuses to talk to her. Mary's frustration at this is palpable but she's still so patient about it; she really wants to solve this! She can't go on living like this and she doesn't want him to go on living like this, either. She begs him to listen.

"We wouldn't have chosen each other, not in a million years" and again, it's meant to establish common ground. But Stede hears "You're repulsive" because that's all he ever hears. He can't bear to hear it; he refuses to engage her and he pretends to fall asleep.

This flashback scene is introduced by Stede feverishly mumbling "I was a coward" and he was. He is scared to the death of emotional honesty and openness, because (like all people who believe themselves to be deeply, irrevocably terrible) he's scared to be found out. He is scared to be seen as he truly is, because as soon as he lets anyone see his true self, they're gonna hurt him. That's what's always happened in the past.

And it's different with Ed, because. Well.

First of all, this:

And (arguably) more importantly, this:

Spot the difference :)

Anyway that's a different post, I'm getting off track.

The point is. Stede eventually makes it back, and Mary is over it. She tried. She really, really tried, and she's done. She's done begging for a conversation Stede has shown her time and time again he's not willing to have.

The irony is, that once she decides that she's done trying to solve this peacefully, they can actually, finally talk to each other! And wouldn't you know. They're on the same page! She's happy for him. Because despite everything else, she does care for Stede and she wants him to be happy.

The face of a woman who couldn't be prouder of her dumbass husband.

So yeah. Communication is key, and abysmal self-esteem will make you hurt the people around you.

Thank you ofmd for reminding us to be nice to ourselves so we can be nice to others.