#actually everyone in drst needs therapy HAHA

[genseng-powder]

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For the record - I really tried hard with the dialogue because I know I can go off rail with those. Call it a practice since I know that's my weakness. Also, this will be cross-posted on my ao3 that i'll link after the main post just 'cause~ As for any warnings, I don't think much will apply (? let me know if there is something that I did miss). It's been quite a while since I've written and finished a 2k worded fic ~ Without further ado, and since this is a long story - enjoy~

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Gen wakes up with the feeling of last week's unprecedented happenings being carried over to today. There's a gaping coldness by the other side of his bed, moreso within him when the crashing weight of emptiness takes over his thoughts first thing in the afternoon.

It was annoyingly consistent; he wakes up, feels the wash of dreaded loneliness spark him to an unbearable consciousness and he hates that it's such a contrast to waking up with his boyfriend's arm wrapped around his torso.

Ex-boyfriend, to be exact.

He hasn't slept well since they've broken up - him and Senku. To be honest, no one really saw it coming but they knew someone had to bend and break under the heavy weight of Gen's unhealthy pretenses. The anxiety that had built up over the years had pulled the strings taut - much too brittle and fragile and it all ended up a self-fulfilling prophecy as he drove all his insecurity to projection.

Senku happens to be the "lucky one" to be present at the tipping point.

"Gen, tell me."

"I don't know what to tell you."

It was the truth - and somehow a lie at the same time. His thought process was all over the place because anxiety was making everything a tad bitch too hard for him to express himself clearly.

He had been so, so used to carrying these things alone because no one had pried him open to this extent and now that his walls were crumbling, another fear was crawling its way out to his subconsciousness. It's one thing after another and it's dizzying and tiring to have been in this perpetual state of worry.

Needless to say, Gen feels like an asshole for wanting to open up and regretting it right away. He foresaw this coming but Senku - Senku just had this something on him that makes Gen feel safe. Feel loved. Feel immensely needed - that he was actually a person with substance and not an empty shell.

How does he tell Senku that he doesn't feel worthy of whatever they have going on without hurting him?

"Don't lie to me. It's been eating you for days and you've been avoiding me-"

"I am not lying."

"I know darn well you are!"

"Then if you are so smart - then why can't you figure it out yourself?"

"I can't read minds, for fuck's sake."

"Then you better stop assuming that something is wrong because there's none! Don't make this out to be a bigger deal-"

"I'm making a big deal of this if I want to because I can't stand to see you like this! You barely left the room, barely touch your food and talk to me. This goddamn apartment is so small with four rooms but we are never in the same place!"

"Can't you just leave me be for once-"

"No! I might be the densest asshole out there but you know that I'd rather talk this out with you-"

"Don't make this harder than it already is!"

"I don't even know what I am doing that's making things so harder for you, Gen!"

"This! Everything!"

"...what?"

"You heard me. This 'us' is what's making me like this."

"Did I do something wrong?"

"No-"

"Then what about 'us' that's wrong?!"

"Just -"

"Do I ashame you? Do I embarrass you-"

"I feel suffocated!"

No, this wasn't what he wanted to say.

"I can't breathe and I just feel smothered all the time and it's fucking - it's fucking hard that it had to be you!"

This wasn't it. He wanted to tell Senku that it's just been so hard and the anxiety is killing him - that he cannot accept the fact that it had to peak at the moment he was the happiest AND he was - still is happiest with Senku.

He IS fucking happiest with Senku and yet - this happens.

Was he truly...?

Gen doesn't think he can stomach the scrunch of Senku's brows, the slightest quivering of his lips and the sheen layer of unshed tears.

His ruby red eyes were losing it's ember glow.

Gen did this.

He doesn't think he can live this down - Senku must hate him now, despise him for wasting his time, and now that Gen had ruined this thing along with all the wasted relationships on his trail, this was no different than the rest even though he thought he could make it last.

Two years isn't bad.

"Gen-"

"Leave."

"No, Gen wait -"

He doesn't think he can stomach to hear what Senku wants to say.

Anything but Senku telling him that he hates him.

Anything but that.

So he ends things first and foremost - because this is where it's bound to lead right? They all do - and his past, broken pieces were a testimony that this one is no unique case.

They all tell him that - but somehow, it eats him up whole to think that Senku could say it to him. Would say it to him.

He doesn't want to hear that.

He hates that Senku hates him now and he cannot do a single thing about it because he was the goddamn cause.

"I said leave!"

Gen doesn't understand - but when Senku leaves without a word, he knows it's all over.

When Gen hears their front door close with an empty thud, his knees lose strength, the fight in him drains, and he stares at the floor with blurred vision, thinking - how does Senku manage to take parts of Gen as he leaves.

Today's afternoon was no different than those of this past week. The weight of the events always flood him first thing he gains consciousness and - it's tiring.

Gen is tired and he wants Senku back.

But he cannot text him, cannot even call him because he was the asshole who requested for his ex-boyfriend to leave in the first place and in a week of being contactless with the ombre-haired scientist - Gen knows Senku has probably forgotten him.

He hates him, Gen's mind supplies.

He's tired of you.

He's probably moved on, you know?

Hell, Gen kicked Senku out of his own home and atop of all that - Senku never bothered to return and that just sets afire the fact that he really is worthless after all.

Gen asked Senku to leave - he complied and Gen wished Senku didn't do it so easily.

"I am so fucking unfair." He whispers harshly in the mess of their bedroom.

Gen guesses it's his alone now.

///

Gen feels his heart lodge itself up in his throat when he mindlessly opens the front door and is greeted by his ex-boyfriend.

Senku -

Gen doesn't realize that he had uttered his ex-boyfriends name in a hush - breathless and needlessly sounding desperate. The air in his lungs seemed to have been knocked out when the scientist neither moves or says anything.

Senku just stood there and soaked in the mess that is Asagiri Gen - as if he hadn't been chased out of his own home a week ago.

In a surge of pride and anxiety, Gen regains his footing as he immediately slams the door close, thinking that he had less sleep in days to the point of hallucination and that this must be a dream -

But the groan and the foot stuck in the door's gap is probably real.

"Gen, let me in damn it."

"I don't want to." He says indignantly, his teeth clenching down hard at his bottom lip to keep his tears from flowing, hands grasping with a vice grip at the doorknob that is forcibly keeping the door from opening and seeing Senku's face again.

If he sees those coal-ember eyes, he just might lose it.

"Don't be stubborn -" Senku said, breath hitching and Gen felt the doorknob slip away from his hands and - "and just let me in."

There's a warm hand on his wrist, and another on his cheeks - so warm and he almost wanted to lean into it because he misses this most. Gen cannot seem to bring his gaze up towards Senku, but he regrets it the moment he sees those blazen red eyes.

He cannot give in now - this is a trap. Senku is just reeling him and preparing him for the worst and he needs to get away.

Without much of a warning, Gen pulls away from the hold harshly, trying not to flinch at the sudden coldness it leaves in his wake as he sidesteps to run away from Senku and whatever he is about to say.

Senku's going to say he hates him and Gen doesn't want to hear it.

It was so unfortunate that he doesn't get far - not even a foot outside the apartment as he gets pulled in by the waist and is slammed against the now closed front door of their apartment. Senku is now breathing too closely, Gen pinned in between his arms helplessly and the tears - since when had they been falling?

"You are not leaving our home."

Gen's heart gripes and constricts at the phrase. He cannot seem to understand how it was still theirs.

This is a trap - you have to get away -

"Gen, stop listening to your thoughts for once and listen to me!" Senku begged, seeing the way Gen's eyes have lost focus ever since he appeared at their doorstep.

"But you hate me a-and I even kicked you out from your own home and-"

"That's why I told you to listen to me, damn it. This is our home and I can never, Gen," Senku sighs into his lips that is mere centimeters away, forehead pressed on his and Gen cannot escape this anymore. "I can and will never hate you."

"You left me!"

"That's because I wanted to give you space to think. One week would be enough to calm you down even though I have been itching to return ever since I closed the door and left."

"You still -"

"I am here now, Gen. And you cannot chase me away this time no matter how many attempts you try. I'm not leaving."

"They all did - why didn't you?"

"Because I am not them, Gen. I told you I won't leave."

"Why are you doing this? You're just lulling me into a false sense of security -"

"Gen, I love you."

Gen tries not to choke at his own tears and spit and presses on.

"I said all of us was suffocating and smothering -"

"I love you."

"And that I know deep within you must hate how I am so selfish and an asshole-"

"I don't, and I love you."

"I kicked you out of your own home and when you left I just wanted you back and -"

"I know. I love you, Gen."

"And - it's just suffocating how I just wanted to be happy with you Senku. I am happy with you but a voice in my head was so against this and -"

"I love you."

"I'm sorry - i'm just so sorry Senku but I can't let go of us even though I am making this so complicated and shitty and I cannot promise that there won't be more of this but please," Gen sobs, teeth clenched and his hands fisting the shirt Senku wears. "Promise me you won't leave."

Senku presses a chaste kiss on Gen's lips.

"Yeah, I promise."

It wasn't much, Gen supposes but this little thorn that was a broken piece of him that's stuck somewhere was finally removed. To be honest, there were a lot of these broken shards scattered within him and it's still scary, he is still apprehensive and so full of worry but for the time being -

-Gen finally listens.

So he surrenders - his body limp against Senku, his arms wrapping itself on the scientist's neck as he bawled his eyes out because for once within this month - he was crying out of relief and Senku's returned to their home.

It's their home.

One step at a time - he can do that much right?

For once, this is enough.

///

Personal thoughts - Gen should have therapy because his anxiety was striking badly and affecting his relationship with Senku ajdshkjadh he has too much emotional baggage from past relationships and probably from shitty family matters too. this baby boy needs to get help :(((

ngl, it crossed my mind to make a sequel wherein Senku is also bound to break under the heavy mental stress load because he's still just a person and as much as he loved Gen to his very core, being a human prevented him from loving Gen beyond everything. idk if i'll ever do such a fic - but im putting it the idea out there heh Also, here's the link to ao3 if y'all wanted to read it there better - but I'm actually more active in posting here since it feels weird to put not-quite-fic-not-quite-drabble in there HAHAHA