#actually funny to post these cause I don't celebrate either of the holidays

[krekee]

please draw a little christmas lin in the way did halloween version

Here ya go

[hypomanicsatanicpanic]

a few thoughts on the queer Purim comedy show I went to last night

The queer humor was fantastic. Some of the Purim content was ok. I am a non/post-Zionist, but I absolutely expected and looked forward to jokes about Israel and Zionism, given that I found out about this event in an explicitly anti-zionist discord server, and 50% of the money raised by tickets and donations went to the Palestine Children's Relief Fund, but I at least expected them to be jokes, you know? The whole thing gave "white guilt." It gave "white savior" and "noble savage." It gave "I'm one of the good ones."

First, it was a mixed bag on funny:

Four of the eight comics were hilarious, I fell out of my seat laughing during about half of those sets. I would pay money to see any of these people do comedy again.

Two were ok, laughed out loud at least 1-2 times during their sets. Wouldn't leave if they were at stand-up night, but probably wouldn't remember their sets after the fact.

Two were very seriously talking about things they obviously (and understandably) found upsetting, but trying to pass them off as deadpan jokes. One of those comics (who identified themself as an Arab Muslim) repeated several pieces of misinformation about Israel and Palestine-not even different opinions, verifiably false information that has been widely debunked. The other (who identified herself as a secular Jew) made several boomer wife jokes at the expense of her Palestinian wife. Those two comics also repeatedly complained about being called names by Zionists, concluding they "gave off incel vibes" as a punchline. For that to be funny, you've gotta unpack it! Say something original and unexpected, or you're just regurgitating antisemitic Tumblr posts and my former friend who uses "zios" as a slur. These two also made fun of people in diaspora who were feeling uncomfortable about being visibly Jewish in public. This same person also called Purim "just another Jewish holiday celebrating genocide" without unpacking that at all either.

It was also such a weird tone-clash for people to be talking about "ongoing genocide" and "40 family members killed" and "people sacrificed for a brave and noble cause" completely seriously--**during their comedy set**-- right between people joking about spelling out their pronouns in nipple grafts after top surgery, and other people joking about yonic hamantaschen and boric acid suppositories. That's not to say we shouldn't talk about it, it's just *how* and *when* felt pretty badly off in this case.

I'm not one to call other Jews self-hating, or kapos. But it really felt gross to see such performative hatred of other Jews who did not share the exact same views or life experiences get so much applause, despite being low-effort and unfunny. Like, don't get me wrong, the content was low-level upsetting, but became much more so because it was such lazy comedy. I think I would have enjoyed it much more if those statements/jokes were balanced with some good-humored, self-critical jokes. Telling the audience whatever they want to hear is cheap and boring. Tell us shit that confronts us, makes us uncomfortable, but forces us to laugh at it!

And the assumptions that everyone there would be 100% on board with everything said about other Jews present and historical, no matter how nasty, bad-faith, or false. The absolute and wilful misunderstanding about others' actual beliefs and experiences, the lack of compassion for Jews struggling with antisemitism *in their own cities and communities*, the self-pity, the failure to successfully lampoon OR engage meaningfully or originally with the ongoing conflict or the more troubling parts of the Purim story... The assumptions about the views and experiences of everyone else there. The absolute certainly and smugness about being morally superior to the vast majority of other Jews.

It was troubling to have so much in common with so many of the people there, and yet to feel so alienated. We were almost all queer Jews, with all of that attendant baggage. And I'm 100% certain we want the people who live in the Levant (Arabs, Jews, everyone!) to have lasting peace and safety, and also want Jews to be able to live and thrive in diaspora. Ultimately though, I'm not willing to throw other Jews (most of whom actually share those goals!) under the bus to signal those beliefs or get a couple of feeble chuckles. I wouldn't want to make money at their expense, even if some of the money went towards a worthy cause.

Next time this event comes around I'll probably skip it and just donate what I would have paid for admission to the Palestine Children's Relief Fund (which you can do here )

[smol-grey-tea]

Secret Ending Three - Chapter Six: New Me

The one with the New Year's 👌 just the Gregorian one, not the lunar one

Before any of us even knew it, it was New Year's Eve. Things have been moving so fast though, I wonder how many years have already gone by without us even realising it. How many years worth did I spend reliving the same four months over and over? Two? Or was it even more than that? The memories are still so jumbled, I should probably just start with trying to remember how today went, then work back from there.

Right. We've been celebrating the new year all day. The boys all have a collection of New Year's greeting cards from their fans, but the only ones we have displayed are the ones from Soi and Shinbi that came in the post yesterday morning. Tei and Yeonho worked together to make a delicious rice cake soup for us all, which was probably their best dish yet.

Lance insisted on studying, even despite the holiday, and Yuri still disappeared for a while. But I'm glad that, right now, we're all gathered in the living room to watch the fireworks together. Every single one of us.

I feel so happy, I can't even put it to words... I've spent so long reliving the past, it feels like it really has been years since I've done anything like this. Time has just been repeating itself over and over again. I'm so excited for life to finally move forward once more, to finally start making new memories, enjoying new holidays together with my new family.

"I actually always hated fireworks. They're way too loud for no reason, and everyone else screams really loud when they see them too," says my bear, sitting on the floor between my legs. I run a few strands of his purple hair through my fingers while my other hand rests on his shoulder and I just can't help but smile at him sympathetically.

"I have to agree," says Lance to my right. He shifts his position between myself and Red, squished up against us both awkwardly. Red seems unbothered. "Not to mention how dangerous they are. I can't imagine actually feeling safe next to one. Just watching them on a screen like this is bad enough."

"Lance agreeing with someone?" laughed Yuri. "Well that's funny. I, for one, don't mind them too much. Quite romantic to kiss a pretty lady under."

"It won't be as romantic when you start a forest fire with them though, Yuri," Tei smirked. But it's hard not to notice how much calmer their relationship is now. Yuri just rolls his eyes in response and goes back to watching the tv. Tei hasn't even chastised him for lounging across the couch like he owns the place either.

"I've heard that they're bad for the environment too though," Yeonho says from the floor.

"Argh, you guys! You're all ruining the fun! It's New Year's, we don't have to care about that!" Red groans, throwing his fists into the air. The volume pierces my ears but it's nothing new.

"Yeah, can't we just enjoy this? For some of you, it's the first time experiencing the new year, and for me, it's been a billion years since I've celebrated anything other than Christmas. Let's just have fun today."

Everyone made sounds of agreement at that, while Red looked satisfied. Then- "It's starting!" - he exclaimed and jumped into the air abruptly, pushing Lance into me and causing a domino effect across the couch.

The countdown to midnight started and the tv showed a huge crowd of people cheering and counting along. It happened slowly and powerfully, the screen exploding with colour when the moment hit.

Everyone counted together at once, Red cheered and Yeonho clapped happily. Yuri fought to plant a kiss on my forehead while both Tei and Lance rolled their eyes. My bear covered his ears at the noise but clung onto me on the couch after all the commotion had died down.

"Happy new year, everyone!!" I'm smiling ear to ear. I'm so glad to be surrounded by family again. Even though it's been so insane (so, so insane) I think this has been the best year of my entire life.

The new year... I don't know how to feel about it. Maybe some more insane things will happen. Maybe they'll be good things, maybe they'll be bad. But I'm glad... I'll be going through it all with them. And I don't mind that at all.

When I look at everyone, I think about what we all went through together. Lance, Yeonho, Yuri, Tei, Red...and my bear too.

When I look at them all, I have the feeling that things will be okay, finally. But...there's one of them that I do worry about more than the others... He's standing in the kitchen, tidying the plates away, when I can finally speak with him on his own.

"Happy New Year," I say, still smiling, but I think he can see the hint of hesitation on my lips. He's always been able to see through people so easily, but that doesn't mean I shouldn't approach the subject without sensitivity.

He pauses to look at me, but returns to his work instantaneously, and asks with a returning kind smile, "twenty fourteen. Are you looking forward to the new year?"

"Yeah, I'm really excited! Thinking back to the start of last year, I don't think the future's looked so bright in...well, ever!"

"Bright?" He doesn't sound surprised, but I can tell, after knowing him for so long, that he disagrees.

"Yeah! 'Cause I'm going into the new year with you guys! I've never felt so safe and surrounded with love. What about you? Did you ever think, this time last year, that you'd be here?"

"Well no, my life is definitely a lot better than it was at this point last year..."

"... But..?"

He stops in the middle of cleaning and closes his eyes. He seems conflicted...

"Tei..? Are you alright..?"

"Our current situation is better, but I don't know if it's the best. It's something I've always admired about you, your ability to look at life so positively despite everything, but I can't say I agree with that worldview at all. I think it's more realistic to keep in mind all the things that can go wrong in the future."

"I was thinking you'd say that... I was worried, so I wanted to check up on you. I'm sorry I haven't asked about this sooner, but...how's this situation been affecting you? Your thoughts? It was you who suggested I choose someone, and I was wondering about how you were feeling."

I really do wish I'd have spoke to him about it sooner though; I know how hurtful Tei's thoughts can be to himself, especially if he might feel betrayed, knowing that I love everyone else as much as I love him. But I've been so preoccupied taking care of my bear, planning for the future, I just haven't had the time.

Plus...I was worried that he might not tell me the truth, even if I ask. I'm glad though, that that's not the case. I feel really thankful that he's now comfortable telling me how he feels, even if it's not good news. If he tells me what he's worried about, it'll be easier for me to help him.

Tei soon finished putting all of the plates away, then took a seat on the couch before patting the seat next to him. I eagerly sat down to listen to what he had to say.

"I can definitely understand why you'd be so happy right now. Everyone you love loves you back greatly. You were alone, and then your dolls came to life, and then you loved each of them, went through hardships, then came out the other side with all of them still loving you. You have the freedom to choose which of them you prefer."

"... Are you worried I won't pick you because you hurt me..? It's not something to worry about, I know that your thoughts aren't who you are, and you wouldn't have those thoughts at all if it were your choice, and I know about them now, so it'll be easier to-"

Tei stops me by putting a hand up. He closes his eyes and lets out a breath.

"I'm not worried about you not choosing me. I don't want you to choose me. I don't want to participate in this competition for your heart."

"Oh... I... But..."

I've been rehearsing this speech in my head for days, imagining all the different ways he might disagree, but this wasn't what I thought he'd say at all. What does he mean..??

"Tei, but... Why? It was your idea... Do you not want to?"

"I don't want you to misunderstand: I still love you. That's something that will never change. But you taught me to be honest, and...I don't think it's wise for us to be in a relationship.

"I wouldn't blame you for not choosing me over them. I'm someone who's hurt you multiple times, and you've got four, five better alternatives than this."

"But- but you can't say that's how I feel. I never said I wasn't going to choose you. I already said, your past is in the past, and you don't hurt me out of a genuine desire to hurt-"

"No, I understand that that's not what your decision is. I knew that you would be too kind, that's what I love about you.

"But I'm deciding to make the decision for you... I'm sorry, owner." He spoke sadly and sternly, but ended the last sentence looking guilty...

It does hurt to hear someone I love so much say that they don't want to be in a relationship with me anymore...but I understand that he's doing it because he loves me and wants the best for me.

But still... "Okay. So am I right in understanding that you'd still want to be in a relationship with me if you weren't a danger to me?"

"That's right... I'm sorry. But I think it's just too dangerous. I should stay away from you for now. Things seem to have gotten better for you, but..." he sighed, and spoke the next sentence quietly. "I feel like I've just gotten worse..."

"Tei..." I feel so bad for him... No, I don't blame him at all for breaking up with me. I can only imagine how he must feel right now, how hurt he must be from this. "I'm sorry we're in this position, Tei... This is such a lose-lose situation for you.

"If I choose you, you'd worry about hurting me, and if I don't, you'll worry about someone else hurting me. I don't think it's right. You're unhappy in both outcomes. Do you think you'll ever be really happy? I hope you will, even if that happiness doesn't even involve me."

"That's kind, but unfortunately I don't think it's possible. It's just something I have to live with. But please understand that you are my source of my happiness. I won't find it outside of you... Sorry."

Tei looks regretful, but there's no hesitation or surprise in his voice. This is something that he's internalised and accepted for a long time... I...don't like it. No... I hate it.

"That's not true. Don't say it like it's something normal. You shouldn't have to live with never being happy, Tei. Don't just accept it."

He sighed at my response. "Eri-"

"No. I won't let this slide. Isn't there a way? For it to stop? For the pain to go away? We can do it. Together. We can make your thoughts go away, and you'll never have to worry about hurting me again. We can do it."

"I'm sorry... I don't think this is something that can be fixed just like that. I'm a broken doll, beyond repair."

"No, you are not. You might be broken, but there's no way you're beyond repair." I can't shake the guilt and sorrow on his face when I take his hand and pledge to him my belief that he can't be helped.

"There's a lot of things that have happened since you guys came to life. Some bad things, some good things. But something I've learned is that everyone has something they think is wrong with them and they think they're beyond help. But they never are. That's never been the case, not once. They always get better.

"People always get better when they're supported with patience and love-"

"But I'm not-"

"If I'm not enough to help, then we'll just have to look for someone who is."

Tei blinks at me. "Are you... Do you mean...professional help?"

"Yeah. That's what I mean. What do you think?"

"That's... Well..." Tei rests his chin in his hand and considers this... I think it's cute watching his eyes fix on one point of the couch as the thoughts start turning in his brain.

But he shakes his head with a frown and says, "Ah, no, what would they even do? The worst case scenario is that they'd take me to prison or a mental hospital because I might hurt someone."

"But the best case scenario is that the treatment works and you get better and will feel happy when you think about the future. Even if it might go wrong, don't you think it's worth the risk? Don't you wanna try, just in case?"

Tei sighs, not wanting to meet my determined eyes. In the time that he hesitates, we're interrupted by the sound of the bathroom door opening. The smell of shampoo fills the air.

Red steps into the living room with a yawn, stretching in his pyjama bottoms. "Hm? You guys are still up? I thought the celebrations were over, it's like two in the morning."

"Aha, yeah, we'll go to bed soon. We were just talking about..."

"Oh, like a human birth certificate? I have one of them," Red said plainly.

"How it's difficult to do certain things because we don't have real identification. Some things, no matter how much we want to do them, might just be impossible without proof of our human existence."

Oh, ID. I assume Yuri just bribed someone to let the boys into the school, but for the doctors, I'm guessing it might be a bit more difficult, since they might be confused about why the boys don't have any medical history. And it's not like we can get Crobi Doll to give the boys ID.

"No, Red, we mean a real one," said Tei.

"Yeah, that's what I have."

"... Did you forget to take your brain with you into the new year?"

"No, I really have one!" he huffed and stormed off into his room. He was gone for a moment and came back soon with a document in his hand. "See? I have a real one. Except it says I was born in nineteen ninety five."

"Red... What?? Where did you get this?? When??" I pleaded with him, unable to perceive the reality of the paper in my hands.

"Ehh... Yeah, about that. I never brought it up 'cause there was never a good time...but the nice lady at the Crobi Doll shop in town gave this to me."

"... What?? When were you planning on telling me this??"

"Hey, it's not like it was a secret!! I was gonna tell you, but then you were sick, and then there was the play, and then there was Christmas, and then you disappeared, and then I forgot about it!!"

"How do you forget that Crobi Doll know that you came to life??"

"Uh, I don't know... Is it bad?"

"No," said Tei. His eyes are fixed on the birth certificate. I think I see a hesitant smile playing on his lips. Is that hope I can see on his face? "This can only be good news."

[some-pers0n]

I've finished writing about chapter 3 (of 5) of SANABI. The end is on the horizon! It's funny to me that I said I'd be lucky to finish this post by the lunar new year, because there's no way I'm wrapping this up by tomorrow (which makes me... unlucky?). But I've made appreciable progress, and in the end, isn't that what matters most?

I probably won't be able to work on the essay as much for the next week because of the whole Chinese New Year celebrations thing. What holidays do you and your family celebrate around this time, by the way? How big are your family gatherings? Are they utterly horrifying?

Writing question for you. How do you write really long (100k+) fics while making sure the content isn't filler or uninteresting? How do you sustain a long-running plotline?

And an obligatory goofy question: if you could live in the universe of one of your favorite book/book series, would you?

Ah sorry for this taking a while. I was busy hating on the Demon Show again.

How long is that essay again? Last I remember you said it was nearing 9k words. I expect that's been blown out of the water now lol. God the dedication one must have to have that much patience and love for a game to create such an essay. Me? I projectile vomited about The Character a while back. It was like 9k words or something as well. I do wish you well on finishing it!

The only holidays we celebrate around this year is either Valentines Day or Family Day. I only like Family Day cause I get a break from everything. No real family gatherings for most things. Usually it's just small family stuff. Though yeah family gatherings can get pretty intense. Last one I went to on my mother's side had well over 800 people.

Honestly uhh...hope and pray. Though if I were to try and frame it as actual advice, I'd say that everything should be working towards a goal somehow. Every scene should have the characters moving forward, whether it be in a way that's relevant to the overarching story or some interpersonal arc. Also I cram in as many jokes as humanly possible. Also the fic itself and its plot is generally somewhat split into sections, with the first act being relatively free from a big general plot and more about the characters and their introductions. The main real plot comes in about halfway through, but even then the fic mostly draws you in with setting up these characters and their own issues and deals.

Well my current favourite book right now is House of Leaves and. well. lets just say I don't exactly want to be trapped in a house that is also God that is also within several layers of metafiction. But y'know. It is what it is. For favourite book series? Uh,, hm.. Truth be told I haven't really read any big book series in ages. Mostly just one-off stuff. WoF I guess counts. I'd say HELL YEAH I LOVE DRAGONS!!! I wanna be a dragon and have fun. If I stay as a human? Yeah no. No thank you.

If the question was about me living in my favourite video game world then it's not even a question. Instant yes. I don't care about anything else.