#again I'm sorry to use Tumblr as a diary. i just don't have one rn lol

[welcometogrouchland]

I am not okay yet but I will be in a bit, I think 👍

[frzngrapes]

30/07

My dear Keycie,

I spent the night unfollowing eating disorder and self harm related blogs on here, I logged out of my edtwt account and I deleted my thinspo Pinterest boards. I deleted MyFitnessPal, my weight tracker app and my fast tracker app. I came across a lot of triggering content at once and it was very long but it was necessary.

I have 500 followers on that twitter account, which isn't a lot but is more than my main Instagram's follower count. So it technically used to be my biggest social media platform. I started it two years ago and I don't think I logged out for more than two or three weeks ever since then, but now I'm gone for good. I'm not deactivating it even though I know I should, I feel there are too many important things there. It was like a diary to me, and I would share literally everything. Sometimes looking up words like "friends" "mom" or "crush" on it is fun, because I can find all kinds of different and contradictory stuff I posted during the past two years. I just feel like I should keep this archive.

Also it's a kind of "box situation" like I wrote about some time ago. I know a few months after writing about this I opened the box again. And it's still somewhere in my room even if I don't feel like using it at all. Maybe I'm just not strong enough to completely let go... But I think not having the account and the tumblr tags and the calorie counting apps on my phone is a good first step. I hadn't done anything as significant for my recovery as this in the past two years. Which, come to think of it, is a bit ridiculous. I've attempted to "recover" in the past, but never deleted the weight loss related apps from my phone before, maybe without admitting it to myself I was kinda lying about being dedicated to getting better. But maybe this time is the one right time where everything works out and I heal for real. The day I wrote about in my first ever blog post under the cherrysletters✿ tag.

I was listening to music when unfollowing the edblr accounts and Teen Idle by Marina came on and I fucking cried. Because it hit me, the fact I was suicidal, making myself puke and phased out all the time at age 16. I should have been, idk, having fun. Why did this all happen to me ? This was all so unnecessary. I remembered the fact I didn't think I would turn 17. I went back to what I wrote on here on my 17th birthday and I cried. It's not often I feel sorry for how I treated myself, but rn I really do. I guess I finally really snapped out of it. Not saying I will never be destructive to myself ever again, or that I am completely cured of whatever problem I used to have... It's just that I somehow only now realise I'm not sixteen anymore. And that me proudly fueling my ed was a long time ago, me actually planning on taking my life was a long time ago and now I'm eighteen and this is pretty much over, so I can sit back and think "Shit, that was a lot".

My mother being abusive towards me is over as well. Two months ago she apologized, admitted it was all very unfair and that I didn't deserve it. This is such a huge change in my life, feeling comfortable at home. Because since I started high school, I think what made me cry the most was my mother's word to me, or remembering them or remembering that she used to hit me. And I cried in front of her for it, a lot, from when I was 15 when I started realising it was messed up, to not long ago. But she never apologized before that day. In conversation I brought up the fact that the first time I opened up about being suicidal, she told me to go ahead and kill myself, and she said she didn't remember saying that. It really sent me spiraling I snapped yelled and cried and told her everything I had on my chest, and later she told me she was sorry for everything.

It brings me a huge sense of relief, for her to admit that she did something wrong, just like when during the 2021 gay pride some guy from my high school I seemingly didn't know came up to me and apologized for bullying me. It's like- a proof it actually happened and actually was wrong and not just me making shit up in my head.

I'm saying all this because now that I don't feel pain at home, don't self harm and try to eat normally, I can almost say I'm finally free ! "Almost" because I don't want to jinx it, and because I know my wellbeing works in waves of ups and downs. But like for now I feel like I can enjoy life without having to worry about a big dramatic thing. And I guess that gives me the space to reflect on what life was like not long ago, and that's why I cry. I don't have to cry about whatever's happening right now so get to cry a bit about how hard high school was, then I can move on and be happy for a bit.

xoxo, cherry 🌸