#all 11 fics in ao3 has been read by me along with the non english ones im that desperate

[pastelshroomsbasement]

Oh is it love? The moment I saw you, it was love at first sight.

Take a pose as mine, Wait a minute. Seven, six and hold me tight, a ticklish touch.

This is the moment I've been waiting for.

[blouisparadise]

We frequently get asked what our members favorite fics are, so for today’s rec list, we asked each member of BLP to choose FIVE favorite fics for this list - no repeats allowed. Please keep in mind that this is not a complete list of our favorites - there are so many amazing BL fics out there that we all have a lot more than this! Still, we hope you enjoy. Happy reading!

1) Take Off Your Business Suit | Explicit | 3082 words

“Yes, let me get another chair.” Louis said, leaning up off of the desk. He stood up but before he could leave the office to get another chair, Harry was grabbing his hand.

The words that came out of Harry’s mouth made Louis’ knees weak and heart beat quicken. “Just sit on my lap.” Harry said. Whatever he said afterwards didn’t make it into Louis’ ears as he was moving quickly over to Harry and placing himself on Harry’s lap.

Louis would take anything Harry wanted to give him; hand touching, lap sitting, all of it. Louis hadn't realized he was holding his breath until it came out in a quiet sigh. “Okay so th-this one will be slightly different right?” He asked as he pointed at the sheet of paper in front of him.

2) Quietly Our Hearts Beat | Explicit | 7539 words

Note: This fic is locked and can only be read by AO3 users.

Louis and Harry in the universe of ‘A Quiet Place’.

3) A Love Reaction | Explicit | 9968 words

Note: This fic is locked and can only be read by AO3 users.

Louis’s staring up at him, head tilted slightly back, and his blue eyes are glassy, locked with Harry’s in an unblinking and gentle gaze. He looks ready to do whatever Harry says, to please him whatever way.

4) To Love Without Reason | Explicit | 8854 words

“Come on in, soldier,” Louis pats Harry’s chest and walks away, leaving Harry to follow behind.

Harry stands in the living room, looking around at Louis’ dwelling. Family pictures placed high on a shelf, certificates of Louis’ practice, and other trinkets that make Harry entirely too nostalgic.

“I have to warn you,” Louis says as he puts the kettle on, the water droplets from his hair trickling down the golden skin of his back. “The door jams if you lock it so you'll have to leave it ajar.”

Harry acknowledges with a soft hum, too entranced by Louis’ glistening skin to form a coherent reply.

5) No Good Unless It’s Real | Explicit | 17021 words

Louis is a very busy farmer who’s just trying to make it to his next nap and Harry’s the new hot vet that’s determined to infiltrate every area of his life.

6) A Springtime’s Wilt, An Autumn’s Bloom | Explicit | 20593 words

Harry is Louis' personal chauffeur, and although he hides his feelings for his boss behind a wall of rigid professionalism, Louis still manages to squeeze through the cracks.

7) Ready To Fall | Explicit | 21220 words

“Ninety and rising,” Nick says triumphantly, as though making Harry’s heartbeat pick up by thrusting an obscenely attractive person in front of his face is any kind of success. “Louis Tomlinson has just walked into our control room and suddenly our dear Harry Styles has lost all ability to speak. Could this be some kind of strange coincidence?”

“I hate you,” Harry hisses, forcing his eyes back into Nick’s direction, uncaring that the mic must have picked it up. “I thought we agreed that you were going to play fair.”

“I’m sure I have no idea what you’re talking about,” Nick denies, except he’s holding up a picture of Louis’ face now, sharp cheekbones prominent, soft lashes nearly sweeping against his cheeks as he looks down, and his fucking mouth –

“A hundred and two!” Nick crows, all but clapping his hands together in glee. “The highest it’s ever been!”

“To be fair, I did bend over the desk on purpose,” Louis’ voice comes crackling in the headphones. Harry practically breaks his neck whipping his head around at the sound of it, gaping at him through the glass panel. “You can’t really blame him for getting a little excited about that, can you?”

8) Written In The Stars (That’s You And Me) | Explicit | 22632 words

Louis pushes himself up on one elbow and stretches enough to just barely trace his fingertips over Harry’s jawline. Harry’s eyes drop to track his movements as he does it again. “D’you feel that?” he whispers.

To him, it feels like all of the universe’s magic lives just beneath his skin when he touches Harry with intent. It feels like something special. Louis watches Harry’s lips part and wants to touch that too. He almost does, but then Harry shakes his head. “Feel what?”

9) Middle Ground | Explicit | 23561 words

Note: This fic is locked and can only be read by AO3 users.

Harry moves to a new town for work where he meets the enigma that is Louis Tomlinson.

10) England Has My Bones | Explicit | 24087 words

The next time Harry thinks about calling, it’s 4.14 in the morning on a Parisian hotel balcony.

11) Like A Siren In The Night | Explicit | 24868 words

“There is an infestation in my home,” Louis hisses, righting himself quickly and pushing his way past Harry, heading directly for the kitchen. He’s rather haphazardly dressed himself, a coat thrown on over a loose flannel shirt and black pants, slippers on his feet.

Harry resists the urge to sigh, closing the door and trailing behind him slowly. “What kind of infestation?”

For all he knows, Louis is going to claim that there’s a ghost infestation. Harry has no idea what the end game is here – all he knows is that Louis has found at least three complaints a week to bring up since he’s been living on Harry’s property, and he’s been living here for six months.

It’s way too many fucking complaints, is what Harry is saying. Especially when most of them are ridiculous to start with.

12) Hold Onto This Heaven (Of Yours) | Explicit | 25213 words

An ode to being too young, too sad, and too in love.

13) The Devil’s In The Details | Explicit | 25372 words

He squeals when Harry smacks his bum as he bends over to pick up his bag, swinging it over his shoulder. Harry smiles smugly at him, bottom lip caught between his teeth. “When are you going to start calling me professor?” He asks.

“When you actually are one,” Louis says with his hand on the doorknob. He cocks his head to the side in curiosity. “Isn’t that how words work? You did study English, right?”

Louis’ quick to slip out the door before Harry can smack him again, his laugh echoing through the hallways as he makes his way to his next class with flushed cheeks and a bright smile.

14) A Trail Of Honey Through It All | Explicit | 27086 words

The boy in front of him, well really, the man in front of him, was like something out of a confusing wet dream. Built, tall, tan and muscular, his skin glistened with sweat after a long day of working outdoors with his hands. He was wearing a cut up old American football shirt, the bottom hem was torn and the sleeves were cut off to the point where the t-shirt was really just a loose tank top. The shorts he had on had clearly been full length jeans at one point, and were now just crudely cut off above the knee. His white socks were pulled up too high on his calves, and the brown work boots he had on were old as fuck, the leather peeling along the edges of the soles. Curly brown hair stuck out from the edges of his backwards snapback, and there was a smudge of grease wiped along his brow bone. The smattering of hair along his jaw proved that he hadn’t shaved in a week or two, the hair growing in thicker across his upper lip and around his chin. His sinfully bowed mouth was pink and plump, and Louis was suddenly hyper-focused on the way that he chewed at the toothpick stuck between his lips. He looked like he needed a shower. Louis wanted to lick him.

15) You Fit In My Poems (Like A Perfect Rhyme) | Explicit | 27598 words

The one where Harry works in an old bookshop and Louis is the pretty stranger that ends up stranded there in the middle of a storm.

16) Where The Lights Are Beautiful | Mature | 31170 words | Sequel

The accidental bonding A/B/O fic.

17) Once Upon A Dream | Explicit | 33319 words | Sequel

Louis is psychic and gets caught in the middle of a murder investigation led by FBI Special Agent Harry Styles.

18) Stuck On You | Explicit | 33983 words

Louis’ life revolves around his stickers. Harry’s life revolves around his job. The universe has decided their worlds should revolve around each other.

19) Coeur De Pirate | Explicit | 34207 words

He tilts his chin up as the Captain strides across the deck, his footfalls falling loudly against the planks. The crew watches them from afar.

Stepping into his space, the Captain wraps an arm around Louis’ waist and pulls him in. He lowers his head to breathe his words against Louis’ cheeks. “I won,” he whispers, “I’ve come to claim my prize.”

20) What This World Is About | Explicit | 34472 words

An eighties American high school AU; there are first times, football games, and feelings.

Alternatively titled: the beginning.

21) Close To Nowhere | Explicit | 34589 words

Louis and Harry are psychics who kind of hate each other. They go to Tennessee to investigate a haunting.

22) Before We Knew | Explicit | 39830 words

Louis has been skeptical of soulmates for years so it seems like fate when he finally bumps into the owner of the obnoxiously large signature printed onto his skin since age sixteen: Harry Styles, a human rights attorney who is firmly against soulmates.

23) The Space Between | Explicit | 39917 words

Harry Styles is the alpha rockstar who can’t sleep and doesn’t know why.

Louis Tomlinson is the omega PhD student who helps him figure it out.

24) The Sweetest Incantation | Explicit | 40580 words

Harry is a witch who's still working on developing his powers and Louis is a werecat who falls into his life and turns it upside down.

25) Worth Dying For | Explicit | 44906 words

“You’ve got to be kidding me,” Louis says, leaning back in his chair and crossing his arms over his chest. In the center of the table, a set of three glossy photos stares up at him, mocking him.

“A security detail is non-negotiable, Louis, you know this,” his mum reminds him, tapping the middle photo with two fingers.

Louis doesn’t look back down at the pictures, gesturing towards them wildly, over-dramatically. “This is not a security detail!” he protests. “This is a lanky college student. In what world do you hire someone like this kid to protect me?”

26) Tastes Like Summer, Smiles Like May | Explicit | 47519 words

A cold prince, an alpha with nothing left to lose and a kingdom with a secret.

27) Love’s Truest Language | Explicit | 48195 words

The first part was meant as a joke. He didn't really expect Harry to buy anything. It was just Louis’ way of softening the ‘get the fuck out’ blow.

“Where's your order forms, then?”

“I don't want your flowers.” Louis chided before directing all of his attention to the arrangement in front of him.

Harry laughed under his breath as he stood to his full height, “Who said anything about them being for you, love?”

28) Through The Wheatfields And The Coastlines | Explicit | 52855 words

The one where Louis needs inspiration, and a certain cowboy and his lamb are the perfect distraction.

29) Latibule | Mature | 54322 words

A Spirited Away AU of sorts where Louis just wants to heal and be left alone, only for all his plans to be destroyed by the hands of an infuriating British God.

30) Warming Up To You | Explicit | 56227 words

Prompt 111: Louis and Harry are strangers that somehow got stranded during a blizzard. They find themselves in an abandoned cabin and have to cuddle for warmth. Cuddling leads to much more.

31) Feeling Borrowed, Always Blue | Explicit | 68214 words

Louis has been dreaming of his wedding since he was young - he just never expected it to happen like this.

32) Curly Bun Man | Not Rated | 68597 words

I just paid for these Doritos but they're stuck in the vending machine and I know you've been waiting but I am not going to let you buy something until you help me. AU.

33) Waiting On You | Explicit | 76584 words | Sequel

“Vampires,” Louis says with disgust, glaring over at the vampire who is noisily slurping from the woman’s neck nearby.

Zayn gives the neat fang marks on Louis’ neck a meaningful look.

“Can’t live with them, can’t live without them,” Louis finishes, ignoring Zayn when he rolls his eyes.

Louis takes a long sip of his milkshake, presses his fingers against the marks on his neck, and definitely doesn’t think about the vampire who left them there.

34) Through Struggles, To The Stars | Explicit | 80582 words

Louis is a Starfleet captain trying to find his place in the universe. Harry is a prince just trying to do what's right.

35) I Want You So Much (But I Hate Your Guts) | Mature | 83648 words

AU in which Louis gets accepted to play for the Manchester University Alpha-Beta Football Team. The only problem: Louis is actually an Omega. He is determined to make it big in the football world, though, and he can't do that bound to an Omega team. With the help of a faked doctor's certificate and some pretty strong suppressants he is ready to fight for his dream.

That Harry Styles (Alpha, second year and youngest football captain of the A-B team in ages) doesn't seem to like him complicates matters, though.

36) Where You Lay | Explicit | 86038 words

When Louis's upcoming heat threatens his success at his new dream job, he asks the best (and only) person he can think of to help him through it: his best mates' best mate, Harry Styles.  Harry reluctantly accepts, and together the two navigate a strange friends with benefits relationship that quickly turns complicated.

37) And Down The Long And Silent Street | Mature | 86090 words

Wherein Louis and Harry are on the opposite ends of the social ladder, but their paths still cross on the filthy streets Louis calls his home. The odds are staked against them from the beginning, and even more when Louis' past finally catches up with him.

38) Swim In The Smoke | Explicit | 101778 words

“What about this, Captain?” Liam asks, nudging the boy kneeling between their feet with the toe of his boot. The boy hisses and swipes at him, slurring out something unintelligible around the makeshift gag Niall had to stuff in his mouth. He misses by a mile and tries again, just as ineffectively.

Harry looks down at him, at the way the sun streams over his face and shoulders, at the way the gag stretches his mouth, lips pink and chapped. He’s lithe and pretty, smudged all over with dirt. They had found him tied up below deck, mostly unconscious, next to a barrel full of gold. He’s clearly a prisoner, but there’s something familiar about him, something that niggles at Harry’s brain. Something he can’t quite put his finger on.

“Put him in my cabin,” Harry decides, turning back to deal with the rest of the loot. The boys screams out jumbled curse words at Harry’s back, muffled by the gag, and Harry can’t understand any of it.

39) The Galaxy’s Edge | Explicit | 113921 words

Things never quite go as they are planned during a simple rescue job.

40) Tainted Saints And Velvet Vices | Explicit | 126057 words | Sequel (WIP)

A self-fulfilling Hogwarts AU in which Louis is new to seventh year and Harry is the resident devil-may-care Slytherin set to make his entire experience a living misery. Due to less than favourable circumstances they're forced to forge an unwilling, tentative relationship for their own survival. Repressed emotions, decidedly unromantic ballroom dancing, Triwizard Tournament tasks, creative jinxes and twilight flying above the Forbidden Forest ensue.

Check out our other fic rec lists by category here and by title here.

[victorious1956]

Fic Writer Questions

Tagged by @nightlilly0110

How many works do you have on AO3?

154 in total, although 12 of those are collaborations.

What’s your total AO3 wordcount?

589,295 as of today (17th Aug 2021). But because of the collabs, my personal total is about 550,000.

How many fandoms have you written for and what are they?

Only RWBY. I'd like to think I could write for other fandoms, but RWBY is the only one that I feel confident about for now.

What are your top 5 fics by kudos?

1. a qrow came to me (136)

2. Love, Betrayal, and All That Follows (125)

3. A Regency Qrow (98)

4. A Positive Result (84)

5. Instinctively Yours (84)

The highest kudos goes to the very first thing I wrote. It seemed inconsequential at the time, but it kickstarted everything that followed.

Do you respond to comments, why or why not?

Pretty much every one. I'm grateful for every comment; it's nice to feel the connection to someone who has read my words.

What’s the fic you’ve written with the angstiest ending?

Possibly What Might Have Been. I wrote it for the recent TaiQrow Week, and it ends on a pretty bleak note. For one of the characters, anyway.

Do you write crossovers? If so what is the craziest one you’ve ever written?

No, I've not tried that. The closest I've got is a couple of fics set in the Star Trek universe, but not using any ST characters.

Have you ever received hate on a fic?

No.

Do you write smut? If so what kind?

I didn't imagine I could even try, at first. But having read some very well-written E-rated fics, I have 6 of them now, each one a little smuttier than the last.

Have you ever had a fic stolen?

Not to my knowledge.

Have you ever had a fic translated?

No.

Have you ever co-written a fic before?

Some while back I, along with 11 other writers, took part in a game where we wrote 12 stories collaboratively, adding our section without knowing most of what came before. A couple of the stories were surprisingly coherent!

What’s your all time favorite ship?

FairGame - Qrow and Clover (RWBY). I liked Qrow, and when Clover appeared, something about them clicked with me, and that's when I began writing. But I enjoy writing for Qrow with any of Clover, James, and Tai too.

What’s a WIP that you want to finish but don’t think you ever will?

I had an idea months ago, sparked by the song Tighter by Fitz and the Tantrums. It sits there sullenly while I add different ideas to my list, but I hope to get to it some day.

What are your writing strengths?

According to comments I've received, writing dialogue, I think.

What are your writing weaknesses?

Definitely descriptive writing. While I wouldn't want to go full Tolkien, sometimes I read back something I've written and it's basically just a long conversation.

What are your thoughts on writing dialogue in other languages in a fic?

I don't speak any other languages so I wouldn't do that myself. As a reader, if there's a lot of non-English I find it difficult to follow.

What was the first fandom you ever wrote for?

RWBY. And it'll probably be the last, too :D

What’s your favorite fic you’ve written?

That's a very difficult question to answer! I think my favourite chapter fic is probably Paradigm Shift. The idea for that one came from a TV show I watched many years ago, and I was pleased with how it worked as a FairGame story.

One of my favourite oneshots is Heal My Heart, a TaiQrow story I wrote as a gift.

I'm always reticent to tag folks for these, but I'd love to read what @jadekitty777 and @aparrotandaqrow have to say :)

[unioncolours]

One Majsasaurus Year!

Today is a very special day for me. This day marks the one-year anniversary since I uploaded the very first chapter of my very first fanfiction. It has been one year since I stepped into the Naruto/Boruto fandom as a content creator.

This post is going to be a sappy meta post about my year as a content creator and my relationship to my fanfictions, to my writing and to my fandom and friends.

Please continue reading down below 💕⬇ 

I began watching Naruto in 2019, and by summer 2019 I had seen Shikamaru’s arc in Shippuden. I was blown away by his character and I was a full shipper of ShikaTema by then. I could not wait until we got to the end of Shippuden, and began googling the next gen characters (and spoiling the end game couples at the same time) and you can only imagine my satisfaction when I found out ShikaTema became canon and they had a son.

Very soon after this I came up with my first fanfiction idea, the one that gave birth to my very first fanfiction Shadows and Sand. I believed that idea had been done before, but after vacuuming through both ff.net and ao3, and I found nothing, I decided to write it myself.

I may have written fanfictions only for a year, but prior to this I was hardcore into the original writing world. I had written two fantasy novels and five full length plays before I wrote my first fanfiction, one of which was published, so the art of writing was something I was fairly used to.

The fanfiction writers I had read and followed to this point were Big Fandom Name writers with strict schedules and lots of readers. Every time they uploaded a new chapter their audience would write comments like “Your spoiling us with these tight schedules” and so on. I really liked the idea of a consecutive schedule and decided to write the whole first fic in its entirety, so I could “spoil” my potential readers with updates.

Shadows and Sand ended up being 35 000 word long, divided into eight chapters. This was the first story in my whole life I had ever written completely in English (and it was not easy). Going back to Shadows and Sand is cringy for me, mainly for the way I expressed myself in English, thought I still think the plot is great.

Here is one of the lines from Shadows and Sand I to this day think is amazing:

“She [Mirai] looked into his eyes, but he [Shikadai] didn’t look back, because he was already staring into a nightmare where his dad was dead because of his mistakes.”

For a totally new fanfiction writer, with no “fanbase” prior to this, I would say I got quite a lot of comments (around 15 in total on the eight chapters) and I was extremely happy for that.

I uploaded the whole thing in a week and a half, satisfied and proud of the result. At the final chapter I got a comment where the commentor wrote something along the lines of “Well written angst and well written fluff”. I pondered about those statements for a long time, thinking, yes, this was actually angst, even if I in the moment of writing – then I was still unused to the tagging system and the tropes of fanfiction, didn’t categorise the fic as angst, because I thought angst could only be chopped off limbs and painful deaths. But this fic had angst as well. Tiny angst, but still. And a rather powerful feeling rose in my chest from that moment. This is what I want to do in the fandom. To write heartfelt stories that make people feel.

  One week after I uploaded the final chapter of Shadow and Sand my fingers began to itch. I wanted to write more. Wanted to explore the little grain of world building I had already created. Wanted to write more Shikadai and Inojin kissing.

And thus, To go down with the Sun was born.

I began writing Down with the Sun with only one vision – something epic and an explosion. The plot was evolving as I was writing and the result ended up being just beautiful. And I became obsessed with this story. I wrote it in racer speed, 50 000 words in 26 days (that is madness, I tell you, MADNESS!) and then the rest 30k in 20 days. I could not think of anything but this story and the Next Generation Kids I put through trials and hell. I felt true euphoria while writing this story that unfolded under my fingers like in a dream. It was a mania, and a damn strong one.

The first thing I did when I woke up was writing, the last thing I did before going to bed was writing it. I prioritised writing this story above all in my life.

At the time of uploading, the fic did not get that much recognition. I got about one comment per chapter. When I uploaded the final chapter, I got two comments on that one, which was a tiny bummer, since I had hoped for more. It was a lonely, but lovely job to write Down with the Sun, mostly with my own thoughts as company, since the readers were rather quiet with feedback.

But I loved the few comments I got and I still got kicks from just the single act of uploading a new chapter. Because in the end, I wrote for myself and even more for the characters and plot. Finishing the story was the greatest motivator.

I uploaded the final chapter of To go down with the Sun December 7th, 2019.  And I still to this day love the story I created, even if I know that I’d definitely re-write some elements from the story if I’d write it again. But I still love it.

   After To go down with the Sun I wrote the fic that I hold the least emotional value to, Earning a weasel’s trust. The story is cute and short (11 000 words). It was a nice little project focusing on Temari’s motherhood to Shikadai that I wrote in a week. It got close to no feedback or attention, but it didn’t make me sad, because I needed to write and share that story and then move on with my life. I am though happy I wrote it.

At this time in my creative process I had been really lonely. It had been me with my own head and the characters. I had no beta reader and no one to bounce off ideas or anything. I had no fandom friends. I am still amazed I had written around 130k words without almost any support whatsoever in the span of four months.

This all changed in late December 2019. I found a Discord Server that I basically begged to get to be part of, and it really changed my fandom experience. Prior to this, my fandom experience had been lonely, and I just produced and consumed content. There was no interaction between anyone, except me replying to commentors.

And now, I found friends. I found people who loved the same pairing and show as I, and it felt almost life changing. This was the time when fandom really felt like… a hobby. A home. Before, it was a creative outlet, now it became a community.

I thrived.

The mod of this server @loknnica, hosted during this time a writing contest, which I eagerly wanted to take part of. I wrote my contest fic, Branded by Love, during January 2020, in which I made Shikamaru betray Konoha for Suna and Temari, and their son Shikadai became the One Tail jinchuuriki. The fic was 10k words long, and OUCH, the backstory I came up with. As soon as BbL was finished I decided that I wanted to write a long version of this canon divergence-world I had created.

In February 2020 I began writing Trial of the Heart, the epic version of Branded by Love. And damn, damn, damn what an epic story was born out of my fingers and brain. I love ToH, I loved what it turned out to be, a heart-wrenching and sad story of Shikamaru, Temari and Shikadai in a world of war.

While writing ToH the writing contest was ending and to my big, big delight, I WON! Branded by Love and I won the contest! This was precisely the boost I needed to really feel validated in my rather specific writing style and choice of plots.

I wrote ToH almost non-stop for four months, and in the beginning of June, the 28th chapter was uploaded. Trial of the Heart ended up being 123 000 words long. In four months, a whole damn NOVEL was created from my keyboard.

The pride, guys. The pride and joy I felt was like a drug injection.

Finishing off works is the greatest, greatest dose of motivation and pride. To write, write, write and finish. And let go of your work, to upload it with a great smile on your face.

During the spring and summer of 2019 three very important friends entered my life.

Vee (@veeganburger on twitter),

Becks (@notquitejiraiya on twitter)

Spooky (@spookymoth on twitter).

These three wonderful ladies really made me feel valid as a writer, and made me love my own work as well. During the spring To go down with the Sun had gained quite a lot of attraction, and the kudos and comments came. All the loneliness I had felt during the autumn was replaced by joy and love of sharing my works. These women have shared their thoughts of my work (and art) to me and I have also in privacy felt secure to talk with these women about nothing and all at once. They never fail to cheer me up.

I love you.

I had also gained the nickname “Shikadai’s tormentor” after multiple times forced that poor boy into horrible situations in my works. The user @shikanaradai’s nickname is Shikadai’s protector and we have an ongoing joke about being archenemies because of this. Ah. The fandom bubble was and is so lovely when you can experience inside jokes with friends. They became my friends, and I gained so much from this.

ANYHOW.

During Trial of the Heart I wrote a friendship between Shikadai and Inojin and I realised I missed writing them as a couple, like I had done in To go down with the Sun. With the support of Vee, who was really, really excited for a new fic where those two boys are a couple, I decided to write a sequel to To go down with the Sun, which I named To dance above the Stars.

In the wait before I began writing that one, I wrote two one shots, 48 hours to live – a next gen focused fic based on a manga chapter from the Boruto manga, and a pure Shikadai x Inojin one shot, I found love in the eyes of a boy, because at that time I knew already I had dug my own grave with that pairing.

I began writing To dance above the Stars in June 2020 and uploaded the first chapter at the end of the same month.

Simultaneously as I wrote Above the Stars I also wrote/edited three fics, one of them called The End, for an application to become a writer to the ShikaTema zine Everything I never knew I wanted. The results of the application came in the middle of July, when I had written a good chunk of Above the Stars.

I WAS ACCEPTED!

I am now officially one of the five writers for that zine!

To dance above the Stars got better recognition that I ever imagined. I was terrified that no one would want to read it, because it was a sequel and had very niched themes. A rare gay next gen pairing in focus and a story with extremely heavy emotional themes. I was so unsure anyone would want to read. The same feeling of loneliness that I had experienced during To go down with the Sun came back a little bit. That it in the end would be only me and my text.

How wrong I was.

To dance above the Stars got wonderful feedback, and more kudos than for example Trial of the Heart got. I received wonderful comments, and even fanart! I was so extremely happy and felt a new powerful emotion. It almost felt like my fic had its own little world in the world of fics, if that makes sense? Like a miniature fandom. During the late summer To go down with the Sun got translated into Russian by a wonderful reader of mine, enabling my texts to a wider audience, which I am extremely honoured by.

As I write this, it is September 2020. One year ago, I was writing Shadows and Sand and struggling through stringing English sentences together and that was also when “my” version of Shikadai was born. One year ago, I was writing what I to this day think is the best fighting scene I have ever written – and I write a lot of fight scenes. One year ago I was listening to “I just want to be brave” from the movie Lion King to get into Shikadai vibes and the mistake he did in that fic, a song I revisit for this reason time and time again.

I remember naively thinking that I will finish Shadows and Sand and then maybe write something else as well. Little did I then, in September 2019 know, that I would one year later have written closer to 400k words of fics, centred around Team 10 or around the Nara family. One year, almost four hundred thousand words.

Now, one year later I had won a writing contest, written three full length NOVELS as fics, been accepted to a wonderful zine, and found lovely, lovely friends. I even got crowned as a “Queen” for the Shikadai x Inojin ship, Shikajin as it is called, since I am one of the like three people who write for that ship, and have to this date written around 180k words for them. Which is a lot, haha!

I feel like I have conquered a tiny corner of the great fandom sandbox, and let me tell you, I thrive in my own corner. I might have few followers on twitter compared to many other creators, but I still want to provide content for those who want to see it. I might write rather niche works, but they filled a space where no fics were, and enriched the fandom in their own ways, even if I haven’t gotten tens of comments on each chapter. I have gotten around four comments each chapter, but it felt like okay.

I might not mod great zines like many of my friends do, something that did for a few months bring great stress into my fandom life. Am I a second-hand fandom member because I don’t want to moderate a zine, was something I often thought about. Am I lesser worth because I don’t do these amazing projects? No, I am not. And I feel very satisfied by just following my friends’ journeys and look at beautiful twitter accounts for zines.

I want to put my energy on writing intriguing plots and difficult fight scenes. Every fandom experience is valid.

In my heart I know my fics and content are good. Maybe not as good as native English writer’s content, but they’ve got a heart and soul on their own, and I really feel like I do have a Majsasaurus genre, trope or theme going on in my fics. And to be honest, I love it, and I accept that other people might not love it as much, or not at all. But it doesn’t matter. What I think of my own content matter.

  If any of you, who read this, have commented even once on one of my fics, thank you.

If any of you have ever interacted with me on twitter through comments, thanks you.

If any of you have pressed the follow button on either twitter or tumblr for me, thank you.

If any of you have left kudos to me, thank you.

If any of you have read my stuff but don’t want to comment because of different reasons, or if you feel shy to reach out, thank you for reading and I appreciate you as well.

 That was one hell of a Majsasaurus Year. Here’s to the next year. Cheers!

Thank you, all of you. You make my fandom experience complete.

 -        Majsasaurus Bex

[lala-pipo]

(1/18) *peeks from behind the wall* I hope I am still welcomed here hahaha cricket anon is here! <3 I am very sorry for making you worry last time O.O, for sure no matter what happens to the story, I'm going to be right there to read it! Huehuehue, I literally was not lying when I mentioned that this story is bringing me lots of joy this year :3 Cricket anon is fine now! hahaha my last work place was really bad, kind of black-company-level-bad, and it really took a toll on my mental health…

Dear cricket nony, I already answered one of your non-anonymous asks privately because I was so overwhelmed by the sheer amount of email notifications I got from tumblr and Ao3 that I had to thank you right away, but I still want to do it publically because even after days I’m still overwhelmed that you took so much time to write me a whole essay. I’m still all soft and wobbly and squishy on the inside. Your notifications really made my day, week, probably month – so thanks so much again. It really means so much T___T

(2) so, I kind of took two months? break from social media and just literally try and figure out my life lol basically quarter-life crisis also happening, but yeah slowly getting better now! I hope you are doing fine as well, sending you lots of hugs and love ~^^~ Firstly though!! I wanted to say sorry too that it took a while for me to reply hahaha… BUT!! Let me tell you omg during my rest of 8 weeks, I have managed to re-read ALL. SEVEN. CHAPTERS!! So many things to share!!

I’m so sorry to hear that your last workplace took such a toll on your mental health and I really hope that you are going to get better. I cross all my fingers for you and send you good vibes only. Please don’t feel pressured to comment at all. I mean everyone loves receiving comments, but it shouldn’t feel like a chore. So if you feel like sharing your thoughts I’m always glad to read them, but if you don’t feel like sharing them, please don’t feel bad about it. <3

(3) However, since my comments were a grand total of 4,000 words lol, I inserted them in AO3 under "cricket anon" in every chapter! :3 You might get confused as you read them because I take notes as I read the chapter lol hahaha I hope my comments might bring some joy <3 Ahh! By the way! These anon messages are partly not anon since anon asks are limited to 10 per hour? I didn’t know that! :( But since I accidentally have revealed myself to you lol I think it should be okay!

I’ll also try to answer your comments on Ao3 in the upcoming days because (if I remember correctly) you had some questions and I hope I can answer some of them. ^^ But I’m impressed that you went through all the chapters again. We’ve reached 150k now, which is quite fascinating to me because there are still quite a few chapters left. I wonder how long the story will be in the end *hides* I didn’t know that either! I’ve been on tumblr for so long and yet this 10 ask limit is new information for me, but it makes sense in some way – if I think about spam accounts or people going around spreading hate or something.

(4) Also, I think I’m going to make my snorts reactions straight onto AO3 from now on, rather than spamming your ask box with 10+ anon messages hahaha but I’ll still come here to share you my overall reactions and analyzations huehuehue and also to possibly warn you about the length of the comment lol something I noticed, from chapter 1 to chapter 7, the comment got longer lol more things to discuss about, I guess!? But yeah!! Let me reply to your reply to my previous ask here!!

LMAO I admire your dedication. Do whatever is most comfortable to you, I will be happy either way ^^ I think it makes sense that someone can comment more on later chapters because the painted picture gets fuller and fuller with details, there is more information about the different characters, the storyline is more developed and so on… ^^

(5) Is the sad scene in chapter 6, you were referring to the conversation that Jong-Taem were having, and then Jong tried to diffuse it into another lighthearted banter, and Taem is just. tired. of. Jong avoiding the conversation? and despite all that, Taem still let Jong come into his room and cuddle to sleep? idk... I find that scene really heartbreaking :( or maybe it was another scene?

For me it was the shower scene tbh. I don’t know, but it always struck something inside of me (is it weird that I’m saying this although I’ve written it?) There is something very fragile about Jonghyun in that scene and Taemin does feel a little helpless and is so caught up in his own thoughts, in his own needs, what he wants (and doesn’t get from Jonghyun) and yeah – it always makes me go :( but yes, the follow up scene is sad as well because you sit there and think – you two are just so damn dumb, which is something most people, who read this story so far – seem to think constantly, because yeah, they are very dumb – each in their own way. ^^

(6) I think I mentioned in the AO3 comment somewhere that even I started to feel like Taem can just leave Jong because Jong is not trying to understand Taem, I mean, nothing to do with his mood swings or his claim that Taem will get bored of him, just that he isn't trying to see things from Taem's perspective whereas Taem is trying! so! hard! and he even tried to ignore the fact that Jong avoid the vital conversations for like the 10th time already :(

Feelings are a very difficult topic – and while chapters 1-9 are very focused on what Taemin does, thinks, wants, needs, wishes etc. the focus does shift a little over to Jonghyun starting from chapter 10. So the reader does get an inside of why Jonghyun might have acted the way he did. If his behavior makes sense is up to the reader (and Taemin as well) to decide – but I think it shines a little more light onto Jonghyun, who the reader doesn’t know much about – feeling wise –, although he’s one of the main characters of the story. ^^ It’s the onion layers that get peeled one by one. ^^

(7) Yeah, re-reading this definitely showed me muCH MORE parallelism in Jong-Key and Taem-Jong dynamics. Even with Taem's mood in a sense? Like how Jong used to be really upset when Key has a new friend, and then suddenly okay when they do sexy times. Before, I only noticed the puppy-love-ness parallel, but then there is more to it, like I said, Taem's mood affected by Jong a lot, just like Jong's by Key, and also the way Jong claims that Key doesn't understand his feelings,

(8) well, it applies to Jong not really wanting to understand Taem's feeling? by just brushing it off as Taem will get bored of him or Taem doesn't know what he is talking about. I mean as a reader, I am also not sure, if it’s either Jong doesn't care or he is scared to show himself or both or maybe there is another reason? Hahaha ^^;;

This is true and done on purpose. ^^ This knowledge doesn’t play a key (haha) part in the storyline, but it is there to show how blinded one can get by one’s own feelings. After adapting to his new life in a dorm Taemin sees through Jonghyun and Kibum’s relationship quite well, but later when it’s about his own relation to Jonghyun he’s completely blindsided and doesn’t see how unhealthy it is at first – him going back and back and back over and over again in the hope that Jonghyun’s behavior towards him might change.

(9) You mentioned that there will be more Jongtae drought, and honestly, I think they need it? I think some space for them to think about things and you know do other things and talk to other people about other things lol maybe it will clear up their heads hopefully? Ahh!! You said the beginning of chapter 5 is for your own sanity lol I totally understand ;), it was a very sweet scene, soft, and kind of endearing compared to what is coming in the next chapters TnT

It depends on how we describe the drought. The hard cut was done in chapter 8. I went in like a warrior and just cut all the strings, not showing any mercy. ^^” I don’t want to spoiler anything, but yeah – the hard drought will continue throughout chapter 9 – soft drought from chapter 10 …… till ….. *closes mouth* 6v6 

Working on chapter 8 made me write two lovey-dovey JongTae oneshots because I couldn’t stand seeing them fight in my own fanfic, in front of my salad. T_T so yeah, the beginning of chapter 5 was for my sanity. While writing chapter 8 I also realized again while I never really write angst, fights – anything dramatic really, because I’m a very chill person in real life, and I like my fanfics to be very chill as well – so writing this was completely out of my comfort zone. For others it’s writing smut for me it’s writing angst lmao. I usually want to wrap up all the characters in fluffy blankets and make them tea, and yet here I am – letting Taemin suffer for so many chapters. I’m a monster T_T

(10) Yeahhh, about the fact that we don't see Key so much since it is in Taemin's point of view, and also the fact that our (the audience)'s perception of Key is very much influenced by how Taem sees Key, right? I think I even mentioned somewhere in the comments, that in a way, a Rashomon effect is present as the readers read the story right, since they are all on accounts of Taem's witnessing, but then also maybe I am just reading too much into this lol

It would be the Rashomon effect if I wrote the same fic out of Jonghyun’s perspective and Minho’s as well for example. In this case Taemin is just a very unreliable narrator and we don’t (well I do :’D) but the reader doesn’t know what’s really going on, if everything Taemin is experiencing is true or if it should be taken with a grain of salt. Considering that everyone in the dorm, except for Taemin, gets along well with Kibum, we might want to believe that Kibum isn’t the bad guy Taemin wants to make him out to be. ^^

(11) Honestly, I could hear my English Lit teacher saying "maybe that is not the author's intention" hahaha xD Yes yes yes!! more chapters for Taem's development!! I am ready for it!! I mean the end of chapter 7 marked the sign of the broken vase, and paired with the JongTae drought, I am looking forward to the next part of the story!! Some character development at this point is perfect I think!! And also!! About the advices, I think I commented a few times on some of the chapters.

(12) I didn't notice that before! And after you pointed it out, I think I made some comments on Minho's, Key's, and Onew's advices to Taem and definitely, based on how the events unfolded, we could argue that the advice was bad - in a way though, I can't seem to tell (yet, maybe?) if the advice giver was genuinely trying to help or do they have ulterior motives? hmmm but either way, I like how you placed a lot of thoughts in the story, even on things such as advice.

(13) Because for sure, in reality, people tend to give bad advices, and act on bad advices. It is true that most fics tend to focus only on the good advice and then the story ends happily ever after. Real life is most definitely not like that :3 your "slice of life" tag is holding up to its name ;) Thank you so much for your hard work!! You added 10,000 words for chapter 7?? omg… huhuhu (insert a bowing LINE sticker)... yeah, for sure, the way the story unfolds in my head,

(14) probably is different to other readers, right? And for sure, very different to you, the author! There are probably a lot more instances, scenes, implications, interpretations? that we as readers are unaware of! Thank you so much for all your hard work TnT, as readers, having more context into the story does give much more clarity on the flow of the story and the feelings of the characters, etc. Thank you for all your hard work! (bow bow bow)

That was something @hwarang-number commented on as well while betaing the story. What if Minho has ulterior motives?!?!?!?!? In Minho’s case it does make sense to give out bad advice to lure in the innocent lamb haha but for example what would Jinki’s or Kibum’s ulterior motives be? Sometimes people want to give out good advice, but in the end it just turns out to be bad advice – unintentionally – humans are just humans after all – and none of us is all knowing, we all perceive things differently, and what might work for one person might not work for the other. I did add 10k to chapter 7 and 25k to chapter 8 – because chapter 8 felt like the most incomplete out of all the chapters in this story. 

I think I’ve mentioned it before but hwarang_number is super attentive while reading and figured most things out that I’ve implied – even smaller details which I thought might get lost in the chapters – which I’m still impressed by, but I also said before that everyone reads stories differently, and some aspects that might not be important to me as the author of the story might be important for the readers and the other way around. For the past chapters I just tried to fill in the gaps that might confuse readers unnecessarily. In the original draft of chapter 8 Taemin is doing the deeds with Minho far more spontaneously because he’s so frustrated with Jonghyun – it made sense like that as well – but I think his frustration got more depth through the added scenes. :)

(15) Ah!! By the way!! Please don't feel like you are forced to reply to all of my messages! Having you read them already makes me happy! I don't want to make it feel like an obligation to you because... well omg my comments like super loooooong hahaha ^^;; And yeah!! Take your time with the next chapter by the way!! I am rooting for the development of the story no matter how it will go :3 I will be waiting for the next update (though no pressure, just want to put it there haha)

Dear cricket nony, if you write me 50 message I will still try to answer all of them ㅎㅅㅎ I might just take a little longer. I hope you will like chapter 8 as well, despite the drought ^^

(16) Next time, this cricket anon will bring some more noise ~ I hope your real-life stuff works out well too :D Once again, thank you for answering all of my messages, and for writing this awesomely written fanfiction! While I wait for the next chapter, I think I'm going to re-read songs of siren hehehe :3 Please stay safe!

Please do! Song of Sirens is definitely a story I would have loved to treat like “Dorm Life” in a sense that it would have turned out better if I had worked on it longer, but I’m still a fan of the big brain energy I had running through my veins when I came up with the mythological aspect of the story…lmao So I hope you will enjoy re-reading it. ^^ Chapter 8 is longer than Song of Sirens (just as a side note haha)

(17) Ah!! I forgot to mention!! After I re-read it, my most favorite literary device that you used in this fanfiction (lol this commentary is beginning to sound like a Literature essay) is the Biblical Allusions? I am not sure if this was your intention, but the juxtapositions of Bible verses or reference to God, in Taemin’s thought reminds me heavily of Taemin’s songs, particularly Heaven? It be a sexy time song if you look at the lyrics, but the composition is that of a choir church song

(18) I find the contrast chilling, and maybe you were trying to invoke that feeling to the readers? Orrr maybe I am perhaps, indeed, reading too much into this hahaha ^^;; but really! I really enjoy reading your fanfictions and coming up with analyzations, it’s very fun, and the fact that I can discuss or ask you questions about it is just makes it even more fun – since in Literature classes we can’t actually ask the author of their true intentions right hahaha okay!! I am done :3 Thank you!! <3

It was my intention and still is, so I’m glad you picked up on that. ^^ I always wanted to write a fanfic in which Taemin’s religion plays a role – even if it’s just on the side – I always make some references to Dante’s circles of Hell (when Taemin is being dramatic again) or I also made a reference to Hieronymus Bosch’s painting The Seven Deadly Sins and the Four Last Things in chapter 8. (I’m a big fan of his work – that dude was wild – the way he painted blows my mind every time I look at one of his paintings). So yes, dramatic Taemin talking about religion and throwing around with biblical references is my brain being wild. ^^ 

I would say that ‘Dorm Life’ is not a really deep story, but I did put a lot of thought into it to not make it your regular smut/romance fanfic. I mean it took time, still does – but I’m glad when people, like you dear cricket nony, appreciate it. So thank you so much for your kind words and sending me all your thoughts and interpretations. <3 I hope you will have a lovely December – please stay healthy and please take good care of yourself. <3

[mayquita]

Pictures of Reality (11/16)

Hi everyone! Here we go again. I’d like to express my gratitude to all those who have given this story a chance, thanks for your likes, comments, kudos and reblogs. It means the world to me.

Summary: Emma Swan returns to her birthplace, Storybrooke, in search of a fresh start after a life marked by abandonment and betrayal. After a year there, she finds the stability she needed and also the possibility of learning about one of her passions, photography. Killian Jones, a former British war reporter with a tragic past, establishes himself in the same town as an instructor of photography, following in the footsteps of his best friends, the Nolans. What will happen when their paths cross? Will their common passion for photography help them heal old wounds?

Rating: M (Language, mature themes, implied sex)

Warnings: Alcohol abuse, mentions of the loss of a limb in an armed conflict.

Other ships / Characters: Although, obviously, this is a cs fic, Snowing plays a major role here, mainly David. In fact, the story contains three different points of view, those of Emma, Killian and David. Also, Henry appears in the story as Regina’s adopted son but he is not Emma’s biological son.

Beta: I’d like to express my gratitude, as always, to my beta @jarienn972 I’m aware that you have had to deal with a monster of more than 100k words and English is not my mother tongue, so I value your effort even more.

Artist / art: Go visit @imagnifika’s blog and enjoy her amazing art. The art that accompanies this chapter perfectly captures a decisive moment in the story.

Art for the prologue/ Art for chapter 1 / Art for chapter 2 and banner / Art for chapter 3/ Art for chapters 4-5  / Art for chapters 6-7/ Art for chapter 8 / Art for chapter 10

Special mention to @saraswans , thank you so much for your perpetual support, for believing in me when I doubted myself and for offering ideas to make this story grow.

Don’t forget to go read and enjoy the rest of the amazing csbb stories and art.

Word count: ~ 6400 (116k total in 16 chapters)

Also on (From the beginning): Ao3 / Ffnet (Current Chapter) Ao3 / Ffnet

Tumblr: Prologue Chapter 1 Chapter 2Chapter 3 Chapter 4 Chapter 5 Chapter 6Chapter 7 Chapter 8 Chapter 9 Chapter 10 Chapter 11

What to expect from this chapter? This chapter is going to be a bit intense... for reasons.

CHAPTER 10

My dearest Emma,

I still can't believe that we've finally been able to see you, actually see you, on your twenty-eighth birthday. Perhaps I could have left you this letter right there, along with the rest of the gifts you received on your special day, had the circumstances been different.

Maybe you wonder why, despite having been here for a few months, crossing paths each day with you through the streets of the town, or attending the same place for dinner, we haven't yet approached you. Or why we haven't told you the truth and we settle for observing you from a distance, to at least make sure that you are living the life that you deserve so much and that had been denied to you until now.

Well, maybe the answer is not the most satisfactory for you, or is it just a reflection of our cowardice, and I wouldn't blame you for thinking like that, but the reality is that the moment we arrived here and Regina told us about your past, we felt completely devastated and consumed by guilt.

Believe me, sweetheart, if we had the certainty that our confession would serve to alleviate your sorrows, we would willingly have bared our souls in front of you, although it would likely have meant that we would lose you forever.

But considering your traumatic experiences that have led you to run on more than one occasion and the history of abandonment and betrayals that you have suffered, we didn't want to risk ruining your life once more. I couldn't bear that because of our fault, you might lose everything you've achieved since you return to Storybrooke.

Because, as I see it from outside, you have become a strong and brave woman, ready to pursue your goals. You're also a caring person with the people you feel comfortable with, like Ruby, Graham, or Henry. And you have achieved all this without our help, so, if for you to maintain stability in your life we must stay away, so be it.

In addition, irony, or perhaps destiny, has decided to give us something beautiful and promising. We learned just yesterday that you will be one of the people who attend the course that Killian will start teaching in a few weeks.

Our Killian and our daughter, united by their passion for photography. I don't care if it's destiny or a simple coincidence, but the fact that you two are going to meet under such circumstances was unimaginable until a few weeks ago and now it has become a reality. You and Killian are going to cross paths and, fortunately, we are going to witness it even from the distance.

Who knows? Maybe Killian finds that hidden gem, that talented person that he always seeks, someone whom he can help develop full potential. Maybe I'm totally biased here, but I'm hoping it's you. Either way, you are already a gem for us, even though we aren't yet able to prove it to you.

Maybe some day...

Until then, your father who loves you and never forgets you,

David.

Emma Swan. Storybrooke - February 26, 2018

When Emma woke up that Monday, the light had barely begun to filter through the window of her bedroom. Still reluctant to get up and continue with her morning routine, she snuggled up between the sheets and let her thoughts wander for a while, bringing to mind the memories of the previous day.

Yesterday…

Emma had learned about Killian's birthday through his friends. The information had also come with a warning. He did not celebrate his birthday since his brother passed away. Even so, they always managed to spend the day with him and they hoped that this time she would join that kind of non-celebration.

Again, that feeling of belonging that was becoming habitual since she came to Storybrooke, settled in her stomach, spreading a warm feeling all over her body. Even so, she also felt some hesitation, not quite sure how to act in front of Killian, wondering if it was more appropriate to continue to respect his wishes or on the contrary, to subtly encourage him to move on with small details like being with him on that day or offer him a small gift.

The talk a few days ago with Mary Margaret had allowed her self-confidence to take hold, so she decided to let herself go, loosening the control she used to have over everything and instead be attentive to the little hints she would find along the way that would help her to follow the correct direction.

It was like that, quite literally, as she found the perfect gift for him. She was walking towards Killian's apartment when her gaze caught something that made her stop short in front of the pawn shop window. Right there, as if it were calling her, she found a vintage photo album bound in leather, with a small message engraved on the cover — ‘Collect Beautiful Moments’. That album definitely had Killian’s name on it so, without thinking twice, she went into the store and acquired it, writing inside a personalized note with the aim of explaining with her own words the symbolism of the present.

Sometime later, while waiting for Killian to arrive, she had a nice time with the Nolans while they showed her old photo albums full of memories. Unlike Christmas, she did not feel like an intruder at a family event, but rather included, as if she really belonged there, with this unconventional family, with these friends who really acted as proud parents of their son while offering to his girlfriend some embarrassing details of his youth, or remembered all the experiences they had lived together.

Although she longed to know more about Killian, to know everything about his origins, and she was more than grateful with the Nolans for offering her these happy glimpses of his past, she could not help feeling a little thorn in her heart since, again, she had to settle for witnessing the happiness of other people, while the craving to experience something similar washed over her.

Her mixed feelings faded into the background the moment she noticed Killian's presence. She had been so engrossed in the conversation with the Nolans and in her own thoughts that she had not heard him arrive. But now that he was there, everything around them seemed to vanish, her only goal to look up and make sure he was okay with that little surprise.

What she found did nothing but increase the endless feelings that danced within her. She detected how his body was tense although his troubled expression and his stormy gaze quickly morphed to an almost awe expression as his gaze softened when it met hers.

After a tentative first approach, he clung to her, as if he was afraid that she would disappear. Since she was not good with words, she chose to assure him through her acts and her displays of affection that she was not going anywhere.

Killian Jones was a complex man, no doubt, but also a challenge for her in the sense of trying to climb those walls that acted as a barrier and discover the real Killian behind all those layers that covered him. And she was more than willing to keep trying.

The tension did not completely disappear from Killian for the rest of the day. She sometimes detected a glimpse of something akin to resignation, but at least that stormy expression had softened, allowing them to enjoy a quiet and pleasant evening, the four of them together, adding up memories that would be immortalized both in the photographs they took and in her own album of memories that she kept in her heart.

She waited for his friends — maybe now it was appropriate to use the term ‘their’, at least she felt it, she hoped that the feeling was reciprocal — to leave to give him her humble gift since she preferred to do it in privacy, turning it into a moment just for them.

For a moment, she thought she had made a terrible mistake, holding her breath as she watched Killian's reaction intently. He stiffened, holding the object in an awkward way as he stared at her, as if he couldn't believe what was happening.

After those first seconds of shock, his gaze fell on the album while his fingers slid delicately over the leather cover in an almost reverent way. After reading the handwritten note she had left inside, his gaze traveled back to her, staring at her in such a way that her head began to spin, her heart fluttering furiously against her chest.

"Thank you so much, Swan, you didn't need..." He reached up to scratch behind his ear, but his gaze never left hers. "I'm not sure I deserve this." His lips pressed together drawing the ghost of a smile.

She shrugged her shoulders. "It's just a photo album."

"Aye..." Killian remained pensive for a moment, his tongue darting out to wet his lips, "but just for the record, I have every intention of you appearing on all these pages with me."

It was a simple phrase, innocuous enough, but she did not lose the intrinsic meaning. She had offered him the possibility of a future and he was offering her, in return, the possibility of being part of that future. That was the only thing she needed at the moment.

The alarm clock announcing the time to get up got her out of her reverie. Even so, she still remained a while longer in bed, lying on her back with her arms folded and her hands under the back of her head, allowing herself a few seconds more of introspection.

Even though her wounds from the past had not yet healed enough and Killian's still seemed to continue to bleed from time to time, she was going to hold on to any possible future that awaited them together. They were meant to be together, she felt it in the depths of her very soul and she was going to do everything possible to make that happen.

And that began by acting and fighting for what she wanted. And if there was one thing she was sure of, it was that she wanted Killian, the charismatic teacher, the traumatized war reporter, the loyal friend, the glimpses of fiery lover she had gotten.

With a new goal in mind, she hurried out of bed feeling a surge of energy take over her body. She was not going to stand by letting the opportunity pass, she was going to cling to it. And if that meant starting to share breakfast with her boyfriend — yes, boyfriend, she was no longer afraid of that word — as a normal couple, so be it.

Killian Jones. Storybrooke - February 26, 2018

The irony decided to show its face to Killian once more, as if it was laughing at his expense. He remembered having serious difficulties finding an available flight when he had needed to travel urgently because of some unforeseen event. However today, it only took him five minutes to acquire a plane ticket that would take him back to London tomorrow.

The moment his finger pressed the button that would allow him to finish the purchase, a wave of regret seized him. That sinking feeling accompanied him for the next few minutes, when he took the suitcase out of the closet and moved it to his living room.

The purchase of the ticket did not change anything, he could still decide not to take that plane. In addition, it was a round trip ticket with the return scheduled within five days. It was not like he was fleeing forever, he tried to convince himself - without much success, really.

If he himself wasn't convinced, he doubted that he would convince Emma and his friends. With Emma, he would have to resort to a small deception, adding one more weight to the burden of guilt he carried. In regards to David and Mary Margaret, he had decided to tell them that night during dinner.

He expected his friends to understand his reasons. He didn't do it as a desperate measure to force them to confess the truth to Emma, but rather the contrary, to allow them to experience some more time together, getting to know each other more. He only intended to give them more time to figure out how to approach the subject.

The image he had witnessed the day before had pierced his heart. It was undeniable that Emma should know the truth; it was unfair that she was involved in this game of lies. That was what was killing him inside, the helplessness and frustration of being between a rock and a hard place when all he wanted was for the three of them to achieve the happiness that had been denied to them before.

He was aware that he was carrying out an act of cowardice, at least in the eyes of the others, but he felt so pressured that he was no longer sure what he was supposed to do. Should he behave like the honorable man and confess the truth to Emma, even at the risk of betraying his friends? Should he keep the secret, knowing that this would mean the impossibility of maintaining a relationship with Emma?

There was something of which he had absolute certainty, though. He was not going to, under any circumstances, ignore that secret with the sole objective of keeping Emma by his side. If he already felt ashamed for his weakness, for not being able to resist her charms, for having fallen under her spell, he could not forgive himself continuing to take advantage of her ignorance.

The doorbell announcing the arrival of someone brought him back to reality. He realized that he had remained standing in the middle of the room, lost in thought while the empty suitcase was in front of him waiting to be filled.

He shook his head, brushing aside those thoughts for the moment as he wondered who was visiting him so early. David would probably already be in the newspaper office and Mary Margaret would have already arrived at school. Maybe it was Emma, on her way to the town hall. The corners of his lips instinctively rose at that thought, while his heart fluttered in anticipation, though her presence in his apartment at that moment would mean inflicting one more torture on his already battered heart.

"Hey," Indeed, it was Emma who had decided to pay him an unexpected visit. She was wearing a cute beanie, her hair falling in soft waves over her shoulders, her cheeks colored with a slight pink halo due to the cold and a wide smile pulling at her lips. She was a vision with the ability to take his breath away. "I brought breakfast." He forced his gaze away from her face, his eyes sliding to the paper bag with Granny's logo she was holding.

He swallowed hard as he managed a smile that he hoped was enough to hide his inner turmoil. "You've read my mind, love. I could do with a cup of coffee." 

She grinned at him, gave him a peck on the lips and, without waiting to be invited to come in, she passed by his side in the direction of his kitchen. He could not help feeling somewhat marveled by the ease with which she seemed to move through his apartment, demonstrating how comfortable she felt not only with him, but with what surrounded him.

His satisfaction was short-lived, though. Just as she was walking through his living room, she stopped in her tracks, her eyes fixed on a particular point in the room. Holding his breath, he followed the direction of her gaze to find the empty suitcase on the coffee table. Bloody hell! He had completely forgotten the damn thing.

"Are you going somewhere?" Her head turned in his direction as she gave him an inquiring look, her eyebrows knitting together in confusion.

His hand reached out to rub the back of his neck while his brain began to scramble frantically for a convincing enough excuse. Bloody hell! He had thought he would see her later for lunch so he still hadn't had time to look for an explanation that might work.

"Aye... something has come up... I have to travel to London to make some arrangements before starting the new course." He managed to mumble a poor excuse that did not sound convincing, while he hated himself a little in the process.

"London?" Emma blinked a couple of times as if she were processing the information. Her previous carefree expression gave way to one of confusion. "When?"

"Tomorrow afternoon." Her eyes widened slightly, so Killian hurried to offer something that would help reassure her. "It will only be a couple of days."

Emma nodded subtly, pressing her lips together into a thin line as she made her way to the kitchen and deposited the paper bag on the counter. Then she turned, standing in front of him, her arms crossed over her chest, her head tilted slightly.

"You know, if you had told me before, I could have accompanied you. I've never been to London… I could have taken a couple of days off…” A shadow of hurt crossed her gaze but she seemed to recover immediately, the corners of her lips twitching into a tiny smile as she shrugged. "Anyway... we better start breakfast or I'll be late and Regina will kill me."

He felt utterly miserable, a new wave of guilt tightened his gut, threatening to further weaken his fragile composure. The image of Emma discovering London through his eyes and his experiences was so damn tempting that for a fraction of a second he was about to send everything to hell, grabbing her by the hand and getting out of there, the two of them together, missing from the rest of the world for a while. He had no choice but to restrain himself, though, and instead, he offered her a poor substitute. "I apologize, Swan, the trip came somewhat unexpectedly, but I'd like to travel with you to London one day."

The faint smile she returned did not reach her eyes. He had to hold back a sigh of frustration as he approached her and began to pull the food out of the bag in an attempt to make breakfast distract him enough. It didn't work, she did not even bother to take off her coat, implying that her visit would be brief. Although they made the effort to keep a carefree talk, he could feel the tension in the atmosphere.

Ten minutes later, she got up, going to the front door. "I really have to go. See you later?" The hint of insecurity in her voice caused a new pang of guilt piercing his heart.

"Sure, I'll grab some lunch and go find you at the city hall." He affirmed in an attempt to reassure her.

She nodded, the corners of her lips moved slightly upward. "I... you know ... Do you want me to get you to the airport tomorrow?"

For all response, he pulled her to him in a tight embrace, the need to feel the warmth of her body against his too overwhelming. "Believe me, Swan, there's nothing I'd like more." He whispered in her ear. “I’ll come back to you in a couple of days.”

The moment the door closed behind her, Killian was aware that he was making a terrible mistake. Letting out a deep breath, he leaned his back and head against the door while pinching the bridge of his nose.

How could he have been so blind as to not realize the reason behind the vulnerability shown by Emma? How could he not only have neglected her abandonment issues, but feed them with his evasive attitude? He resisted the urge to bang his head against the wooden surface in frustration. Instead, he groaned inwardly while his hand curled into a fist.

He could not take that flight. Not when it meant leaving Emma, even for a couple of days. He would meet her for lunch and tell her that there had been a change of plans, that he could travel with her at another time. He had no choice but to regain the strength necessary to face what was to come. He only hoped that he would be able to protect Emma in some way.

Emma Swan. Storybrooke - February 26, 2018

He is leaving, leaving, leaving. Emma tried to block that thought, make it disappear from her mind, but she felt too weak or helpless, unable to cope with that sinking feeling that had settled in her stomach.

Deep down, she knew that she was being irrational, that Killian would never abandon her. But the suitcase, his evasive answers and his expression of ill-concealed guilt had awakened her old demons who soon emerged from their hiding corner and began tormenting her.

She did not even know how she got here to the office, too consumed by those disturbing sensations. Even so, she made the effort to get involved in her work with the goal of getting distracted enough. And she got it for half an hour. Until she had to talk on the phone with someone who, without her asking him, told her that he had just arrived from London.

Fucking London... He had to travel to the damn other side of the ocean... And to think that the morning had started well, with her determination to develop the next step in her relationship with Killian. And all that she found was a sudden trip sprinkled with evasiveness. She tried to find a logical explanation, though, still reluctant to think that she had been betrayed once again.

That spiral of sensations and thoughts did not disappear when Emma was called to Regina's office to deliver some reports. That's what happens when you lower your walls, that you risk being hurt, her inner voice reminded her...

"Emma!"

The unexpected shout caused her to flinch and wake up from her reverie. Feeling her cheeks flush, she looked up and found Regina staring at her through her narrow eyes.

"I pay you to do your job, not to be there absorbed, thinking God knows what and ignoring when I speak to you." Regina's authoritative voice caused her to straighten her back, as she tried to get Killian out of her mind for at least a few minutes.

"Sorry, I got distracted for a moment." Emma mumbled an excuse as she focused her gaze on the documents she was holding.

"Okay then, spit it out."

“What?” Emma looked up at Regina again, not sure that she understood correctly.

Regina rolled her eyes as she pursed her lips, she was losing patience, clearly. "Just tell me what's going on in your head. We'll deal with it and move on to what's really important, my job and this town. I'm a very busy person, in case you forgot."

Emma had to suppress a gasp of surprise. Was she being serious? No way was she going to confess her worries to Regina. She was not only not her friend but also her damn boss. But on the other hand, she had a point... Emma shifted uncomfortably in her seat while appreciating Regina's proposal. She really needed to expel those thoughts, for someone to tell her that she was being ridiculous. And Regina was the person available right now...

"He's leaving." To her horror, the words came out of her mouth without her having had time to process it.

"He? Who?"

Emma groaned inwardly, wishing she were anywhere else instead of here, feeling like a student in the principal's office. "Killian, he's leaving for London." The way Regina was looking at her did nothing to alleviate her inner turmoil. Something flashing in her gaze as her features darkened slightly. "Look, I know it's stupid - he's coming back in a couple of days, so can we continue with the meeting and forget all this?"

Luck was not on her side that day because, after remaining pensive for a few seconds, Regina muttered almost to herself, "So that boyfriend of yours is also a coward - just like his friends."

Emma felt her stomach drop to her toes as her eyebrows knitted together in confusion. Far from reassuring her, her boss's words had left her even more uneasy. "What are you talking about?"

She held Regina's gaze for a few seconds studying her features in an attempt to find out what was happening. Regina’s face remained impassive, but Emma did detect a shadow crossing her gaze, perhaps shame, maybe regret, she was not sure. After what seemed like an eternity, Regina let out a deep sigh as her shoulders slumped a bit. "Taking into account that the photographer hasn’t managed to handle the situation and has decided to flee instead, I guess it's only fair that it's me who tells you the truth. I brought you here in the first place, after all."

The truth? What truth? A myriad of thoughts, each more disturbing, crowded in her head causing it to start spinning. What do Killian’s friends have to do with all this? And what about Regina herself? A wave of panic began to creep from her stomach to her throat, as the desire to run away from there became more intense. In the end, her curiosity won, "Just tell me what's going on." She hissed in a tone perhaps sharper than she intended but this whole situation was getting on her nerves.

Regina's features softened and even Emma detected a glimpse of something akin to pity. That could not mean anything good. She didn't want pity, she didn't need it, did she? She felt a strange sensation taking over her, like a bad omen approaching unstoppable. She held her breath as her stomach tightened into knots.

"It's about your parents, Emma."

My parents ... Her blood froze as she clung to the desk with such force that her knuckles turned white. "What about them?" She managed to mumble in a trembling voice.

"Let me clarify something before continuing, if I'm telling you this, it's because I don't get why after all that they have gone through... and also all of what you have gone through... they still prefer to keep hiding..."

"Just tell me." Emma cut her abruptly, causing Regina to flinch slightly in her seat. At the moment, she didn't want explanations or excuses, she just wanted to know what the hell was happening.

"Killian... well, both he and I know who your parents are." Regina finally admitted in an apologetic tone.

Far from bringing some light to the situation, Regina's confession left her even more confused. How was it possible? Killian had been in Storybrooke for only four months, there was no way he knew this information when he had been living all this time in London... The only contact he had ever had with anyone from here was with…

"No!" It can't be! No no no. She felt all the air leaving her lungs while she refused to accept that possibility, trying to block her mind. Her attempts were in vain though since her brain began to act on its own, tying up loose ends and processing all the information. Killian was the one who had introduced them to her, he had also been the one who had propitiated the first encounters, who had talked to her constantly about his friends...

Any doubts she might have had disappeared when Regina confirmed in words what she had already deduced. "I'm afraid so, Emma. David and Mary Margaret are your parents. They..."

"No!" Emma raised a finger in warning. She did not want to hear anything else. It was as if someone had ripped her heart from her chest and was squeezing it slowly with every memory that came to her mind, with every moment shared with them, inflicting even more suffering.

"Emma, let me explain..."

She shook her head as she rose abruptly and headed for the door, unable to look Regina in the eye. "I gotta go." Emma said, her voice even, though she felt her blood boiling. The weight of the betrayal was so high that she was not sure she could maintain the little composure she still had left. She should get out of there immediately. Ignoring one last call from Regina, she went to her desk, grabbed her purse and coat and then walked to the exit.

A raw rage began to bubble inside her. Unable to handle everything that was happening, she blocked the thoughts about Regina's involvement and completely ignored the revelation about the Nolans. Instead, she focused all her fury on one target - on the person she had blindly trusted. To whom she had given her heart.

//

The ride to Killian's apartment, far from appeasing her anger, increased that sinking feeling that had settled low in her stomach as she was assimilating all the information received. Tears of humiliation threatened to slide down her cheeks, but she blinked stubbornly holding them back.

Gradually, she realized that she had remained oblivious to a whole plot that had been hatched around her. Emma wondered bitterly how far the threads of these machinations would reach, while the bubble of stability she had lived in when she came to Storybrooke exploded, splashing her with a whole series of questions to which she hoped —or maybe feared— to find an answer.

It was as if everything she had experienced since arriving in the town was part of a huge farce, from her job, the photography course, or even Killian's feelings. A wave of shame and rejection washed over her when she remembered the conversation she had had with Mary Margaret a few days ago, causing her anger to boil again in her veins.

Fortunately, the arrival at the building where Killian's apartment was located stopped that escalation of feelings. Instead, she directed all her energy and anger into a single target. She would have time to deal with everything else, later.

There was a brief moment of hesitation when she reached his door. She felt all her emotions radiating off of her, like a volcano about to erupt. Maybe if she went home and tried to calm down enough she would be able to keep a cool head when the inevitable conversation with Killian took place. She rejected that idea almost at the same instant it crossed her mind. The need to expel those feelings that bubbled inside her was too tempting, although, in the brief lapses of lucidity that dared to appear among so much contained anger, she was aware that she was opting for the easy way. "I don't care." She muttered to herself as she pounded on the door hard.

The moment the door opened, she marched directly towards Killian poking a finger into his chest. "You damn asshole - how dare you?"

He recoiled at her advance, his eyes widening in surprise. "What are you talking about, love? What's wrong?"

"You don't have to keep pretending, I already know the truth about your friends." She threw the last words with contempt, knowing the impact they would have on him. She wasn't wrong. His face suddenly paled, his mouth fell open on a gasp.

"They told you?" He asked in a small whimper.

She huffed, while shaking her head, "It was Regina." She placed her hands on her hips in a defiant attitude. "It seems that your friends are just cowards like you."

To his credit, he seemed genuinely affected, his face contorted in an expression reflecting a mixture of hurt and shame. But she didn't let herself be daunted, hardening her features as she continued her verbal attack without even waiting for a reply. "I trusted you, Killian! How could you do this to me?"

"Emma, let me explain, please." He almost begged, tentatively advancing towards her.

She jumped back instinctively, raising a hand in front of her, thereby avoiding the possibility of her body betraying her due to his proximity. "You lost your chance to explain yourself at the same moment you decided to lie to me. How could you take advantage of me like that?" Emma forced herself to swallow the lump that was forming in her throat. In no way was she going to break in front of him, although the truth was that she was dying inside. She repressed those feelings though, leaving them for the privacy of her apartment.

To her surprise, he did not try to defend himself or repel the attack. He simply dropped himself on the couch, breathing out on a shaky exhale, his shoulders slumped, his lips pressed together in a thin line. He seemed defeated. "I'm so sorry, Emma." He muttered as he ran his hand through his hair.

Emma hesitated for a moment. She needed to fight, to expel these feelings that were threatening to drown her, but she couldn't do it with someone who was already defeated. He wasn't even going to try to hit back. "That's all you have to say? That you are sorry? Are you aware that you've ruined my life? That I don't know what is real in my life anymore?" Frustration and impotence began to take their toll, her voice slid between her lips in a broken murmur.

This time Killian did seem to react. He looked up, seeking her gaze. "I assure you, Swan, that my feelings towards you have always been real." For a moment, she was lost in the intensity of his eyes, they had always had a hypnotic effect on her, even in this moment of such tension. But she shook her head breaking the spell. She was not going to be distracted by two pretty blue eyes.

"You have a strange way of showing it, don't you?" He flinched at the harshness of her tone and the sarcasm of her voice. Something caught her attention at that moment. The suitcase, the original cause of this situation, was no longer on the coffee table. Still, that didn't prevent the pain of a possible abandonment for being more bearable. "And you know what is the worst of all? That in spite of my abandonment issues, you were willing to do just that. At the moment when things get tough, you leave, don't you? Maybe you couldn't bear the pressure of lying to me? Or did you decide it wasn't even worth the effort?" This time Emma had to suppress a sob, but she could not stop thick tears from starting to run down her cheeks.

"I was coming back to you, Emma. The return trip was scheduled for next Saturday." He defended himself in a weak voice. It wasn't enough for her, because she still did not know the reasons that had made him travel in the first place. She was about to reply when he continued. "I wasn't abandoning you. I just needed a few days to think about all this. I also know what it is to lose someone. I could never do that to you, Emma, I promise."

Emma hesitated again, her heart beating frantically in her chest. The hurt was evident both in his broken voice and in his expression. But when she processed his words, she felt a new twinge go through her. "It's not the same and you know it. Your mother, Liam, Milah, they all died. They're dead." She was aware of the damage he was inflicting with her words, but she was unable to stop, a whirlwind of thoughts and feelings swirling inside her, struggling to surface. She did not have the strength to fight against them. "They didn't choose to leave you. But what about me? Starting with your friends, they all chose and decided that I wasn't enough. Everyone - even you."

"That's not true, Emma, they chose to come back for you." Killian got up trying to reach her.

"No!" She stopped his advance, feeling an extreme exhaustion overtake her. "I can't continue with this." Her voice trailed off as she wiped her tears and began to walk in the direction of the front door. She felt again a lost girl, confused and adrift, without anyone to turn to, without knowing who to trust anymore.

"Emma, wait!" She stopped but didn't turn around, unable to hold his gaze and his stormy expression again, "I understand and accept that you are mad at me, but they are your parents. They love you. Please, Emma, I'm begging you, give them at least an opportunity to explain themselves."

A new wave of tears began to slide down her cheeks. Parents... She not only hadn't been enough for them when she was born, but neither was her when they found her, choosing not to confess the truth.

There was something even more painful, something that squeezed her stomach to the point of feeling almost physically sick. They, her parents, had chosen to act as substitute parents of another person, precisely the person she had fallen in love with and who had betrayed her in a cruel way. Because of them. They had chosen Killian over her - taking care of him instead of doing it with her when she needed them the most.

"My parents died in a traffic accident when I was three years old." She muttered before finally leaving his apartment.

Killian Jones. Storybrooke - February 26, 2018

Killian watched helplessly as Emma left his apartment without him being able to do anything about it. The moment she disappeared from view, he felt as if all his energy had been drained from his body, noticing how a sense of emptiness invaded him and left him dazed. Before dropping back onto the couch, he grabbed his phone and typed a quick text.

She already knows. I'm deeply sorry, Dave. KJ

Then he switched off the device and left it on the coffee table. The feeling of despair was so intense that his body began to tremble slightly. He closed his eyes resting his head against the back of the sofa, but that did not alleviate his internal agitation. He had failed not only Emma but his friends. He could never forgive himself.

//

TheLadySwan .........

//

I'm sorry, again... Thanks for reading. Let me know what did you all think :)

What to expect from the next chapter? As many of you had already imagined, Emma hasn't taken well to know the truth. We will see how she feels after her confrontation with Killian and how Killian and the Nolans deal with this new unfortunate situation.