#all hail king scourge baby (ic)

[fallen-symphony]

Who do you guys like the most on your team? Who do you hate the most on the enemy team?

"An interesting question... Although I'm not one for relationships since I'm a superior being... I must admit that Obake's intellect and Motivations truly seem to resonate with me. He's like a more intelligent Dr. Regal.

"As for who I hate on the enemy team... Probably my stupid brothers... Especially RiFT. So much power, yet he uses it to serve lower beings. What an insult..."

"Glad to know we can get along, Slur. I have always found you fascinating... But as a brilliant mind who loves potential, Eggman Nega is a man after my own heart."

"The feeling is mutual, Obake. I do have respect for Dr. Starline and the Analog Man as well."

"Oh, it's such an honor to hear you say that, Mr. Eggman Nega, sir. Know that you are my favorite here as well."

"As for who I hate... Though I haven't met them in person, that Peni Parker and her robot, SP//Dr remind me too much of Hiro and Baymax, which remind me of my past Failure! If I can't get my revenge on Hiro, then Peni will be the next Best thing..."

"I feel the same way about that key wielding Sonic that showed up not too long ago! Dimensional variant or not, he's still a Sonic, and Sonic ruined my plans many times! I want to destroy him personally...!"

"Hey! You lay off him, Egghead! That Sonic is mine, ya hear me!? I'm the one who's gonna destroy him! I hate him and every other Sonic out there! I'll destroy them all until the only one left is me!"

"You tell 'em, Scourgey! Now, tell them how I'm your favorite person here!"

"If by that, you mean my LEAST favorite person here, then yes, that's you, Rosy."

"Awww! You say the meanest things, Scourgey! You're one of my favorite people here, too..."

"But her... This one right here... She's my girl..."

"Aw, thank you, Rosy. I like you, too. Such an adorable little psychopath ready to smash some heads... It's like having a little sister... But of course, my favorite has to be Dark Mega for obvious reasons."

"You're my favorite, too, Dark Empress! A beautiful Darkloid queen like you has stolen my heart..."

"As much as that Empress chick terrifies me almost as much as Rosy does... Gotta agree with her. Dark Megz is my favorite member here. We both got beef with our goodie-goodie two shoes doppelgangers, and we both want to live in a world of chaos."

"Yeah... I'm disliking that Megaman more and more each day. He gets to keep his Lan, while I was rejected by mine when I became the ruler of the Darkloids."

"I feel the same way about Roll. She gets to keep her Mayl, but mine wouldn't accept the new me..."

"Can I help you smash that good Roll that makes you look bad, best friend?! Can I, can I, can I?!"

"Sure... As long as I get to land the last blow."

"Deal!"

"Obake and Eggman Nega are inspirational. Their genius far exceeds mine, and I have much to learn from them. I don't have any personal beef with anyone on the enemy team... Yet... But that ARiA and her army of Guardiangemon might be a problem."

"CHYA HA HA HA HA HA!!! My favorite person here is obviously the Great Lord Brevon! No one can compare to his greatness...!

"As for who I hate the most, obviously it's that blasted Commander Torque! He and Squid Head have been getting in Lord Brevon's way far too many times! I promise to destroy them!"

"I can always count on you to praise me, General Serpentine. I, too, can't stand Commander Torque. That blasted dragon girl might not be with him now, but he can still be a problem... Especially with that new squad of his."

"My favorite member is Ophelia! Even if it's not official, she's awesome!

"And my favorite member on the other team is my beloved Nana..."

"You're supposed to be talking about the enemy members you hate, lover boy. Anyway, probably no surprise to anyone, but Mr. Tinker is my arch nemesis on the enemy team. I got over the grudge of him 'murdering' Dr. Eggman ever since meeting the superior Eggman Nega. That doesn't mean I don't want to show him up. What about you, Sync?"

"..."

"Gee, nice choices there, chatterbox."

"I think we can all assume he hates everyone equally, teammate and enemy alike. Anyway, it seems we reached our limit, time-wise. We need to get back to our plans of taking over the Multiverse."

[sentient-rift]

"Despite things getting a little quiet lately, I still think that CEO Mouse is up to something..."

"Hey! Prince Key-Freak!"

"Oh, hey, Sunky! Here to fight me and lose again?"

"The name is Scourge, and you know it! And I'd totally kick your butt this time, blue boy!

"*sigh* But, no. Today, I'm calling a truce. I wanna help ya guys with this whole Disney Vault business. That CEO Rat has to be stopped."

"Seriously?! That's... Uncharacteristically noble of you..."

"Don't get the wrong idea, hero! I ain't doin' this for you guys! I'm doing this because I know what it's like to be locked in a vault thanks to a narcissistic comic author who must not be named! It was thanks to Slur that I got out of that vault and can continue my plans to be King of the Multiverse. But now that the rat's going around buying everything and locking people into another vault, he made it personal!"

"I wanna help, too! I was locked in that same vault! I wanna smash that CEO Mickey Mouse to bits! Can I, please, with a cherry bomb on top?!"

"B-by all means, Rosy! Just promise you won't aim that hammer at me!"

"Oh, Scourgey, my silly little mucus bug... You know I can't keep that promise."

"Well, as surprising as it is, I guess we have a truce now. We could use all the help we can get to save Peni and all the other victims of CEO Mickey's Disney Vault."

"Ya hear that, CEO Rat?! Your vault locking days are over! All hail the king, baby!"

[simonrriley]

my big ass f/o list!

all my f/os and their tags!

romantic!

cas: hey, assbutt! (supernatural)

dean: driver picks the music, shotgun shuts his cakehole. (supernatural)

crowley: hello boys. (supernatural)

connor: adapting to human unpredictability is one of my features. (detroit: become human)

rem: mister infamous (the bastards novel)

spot: brooklyn’s here! (newsies)

mickey: kiss me, and i'll cut your fucking tongue out. (shameless)

springtrap: am i machine or something more? (fnaf)

william: all i see is purple instead (fnaf)

lucifer: hail to the king, baby. (supernatural)

scourge: i expect the ice to melt, but it doesn’t. (warriors)

my s/i for that is a cat too dw

catra: hey, josh. (she-ra)

double trouble: of course we all wear costumes. (she-ra)

deadshot: i don’t miss. (cw arrow)

julian: eels! (the arcana)

harry hart: manners maketh man (kingsman)

eggsy: this ain’t that kind of movie bruv (kingsman)

shadow the hedgehog: now you’re getting the picture.

sonic the hedgehog: i don’t think they’ll accept “gotta go fast” as a medical condition.

familial!

nadine ross: relax, you’ll live longer. (uncharted: the lost legacy)

sam winchester: according to the lore…(supernatural)

jack kline: i’m two... twenty. (supernatural)

firestar: fire alone will save our clan. (warriors)

foxy: welcome to pirate cove (fnaf)

roxy: classic army technique (kingsman)

sans + papyrus: no quote yet (undertale)

platonic!

toy bonnie: nice to meet ya, are you new in town? (fnaf)

the white shadow: the devil that you know is better than the devil that you don’t (idkhow)

[homedevises]

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For their 27th bells anniversary, the Breaking Bad ablaze Bryan Cranston gave his wife, Robin, a allowance that promises “to accord you the best account of your life, guaranteed”. The Squatty Potty is a berserk accepted seven-inch-high artificial stool, advised by a adherent Mormon and her son, which curves about the abject of your loo. By propping your all-overs on it while you crap, you accession your knees aloft your hips. From this semi-squat position, the centuries-old built-in toilet is adapted into article added primordial, like a aperture in the ground. The ancestors that makes the Squatty Potty says this aspect unfurls your colon and gives your faecal bulk a bright run from your gut to the bowl, abbreviation bloating, ache and the abrupt that causes haemorrhoids. Musing about the allowance on one of America’s daytime allocution shows in 2016, Cranston said: “Elimination is love.”

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More than 5m Squatty Potties accept been awash aback they aboriginal crept on to the bazaar in 2011. Celebrities such as Sally Field and Jimmy Kimmel accept raved about them, and the basketball awareness Stephen Curry put one in every bath of his house. “I had, like, a abounding elimination,” Howard Stern, the celebrity shock jock, said afterwards he aboriginal acclimated one, in 2013. “It was unbelievable. I acquainted empty. I was like, ‘Holy shit.’” The Squatty Potty has been the accountable of jokes on Saturday Night Live, and of applause by the queen of annoyance queens, RuPaul. This January, afterwards Squatty Potty LLC hit $33m in anniversary revenues, the business approach CNBC, which helped accompany the footstool to acclaim through its US adaptation of Dragon’s Den, hailed the accessory as a “cult juggernaut”.

The Squatty Potty’s success is partly bottomward to “This Unicorn Afflicted the Way I Poop”, an online ad that launched in October 2015 and has aback been beheld added than 100m times. In the video, a fey animation unicorn, its rear hooves perched aloft a Squatty Potty, Mr-Whippies rainbow-coloured soft-serve ice-cream out of its base and into block cones while an Elizabethan Prince Charming capacity the allowances of clearing to poop. (“I scream, you scream, and plop, bang baby!”) At the end of the video, the prince serves the ice-cream to a army of kids. (“How does it taste, is that delicious? Is that the best affair you’ve anytime had in your life?”)

At first, abounding bodies saw the footstool as little added than a antic Christmas present. But, like beginning bed linen and French bulldogs, the Squatty Potty exerts a able affecting force on its owners. “I accept one and I accept to acquaint you, it will ruin your life,” a Reddit user alleged chamburgers afresh posted. “I can’t account anywhere but at home with my Squatty Potty. Aback I accept to account at assignment I’m larboard unsatisfied. It’s like aggressive into a wet sleeping bag.” Bobby Edwards, who invented the footstool with his mom, calls bodies like this “evangelists”. “They allocution about it at banquet parties, they allocution about whenever they can – about how the Squatty Potty has afflicted their life,” he told me. He articulate about mystified.

The acceptance of the Squatty Potty, and the actuality of its abounding rivals and imitators, is one of the clearest signs of an all-overs that’s been growing in the west for the accomplished decade: that we accept been “pooping all wrong”. In contempo years, some adaptation of that byword has accent accessories from outlets as assorted as Men’s Health, Jezebel, the Cleveland Dispensary medical centre and alike Bon Appétit. By giving up the accustomed clearing aspect ancestral to us by change and demography up our berths on the ceramics throne, the hypothesis goes, we accept summoned a affliction of bowel trouble. Untold millions ache from haemorrhoids – in the US alone, some estimates run to 125 actor – and millions added accept accompanying altitude such as colonic inflammation.

Where affliction goes, big business follows. The markets for alleviative these ailments – with creams, anaplasty and haemorrhoid doughnut cushions – are account abounding billions of dollars. Although diet is broadly believed to be a accidental agency in these problems (eat your fibre!), afresh absorption has focused on the accessible furnishings of toilet posture. The acclaimed Mayo dispensary is now administering a randomised controlled balloon to see whether the Squatty Potty can affluence abiding constipation, which afflicts some 50 actor Americans, best of them women, abounding over 45 years old.

People about say pooping is taboo, but afresh it seems added like a cultural fetish. There are account emoji altogether parties for three-year-olds, bodies WhatsApping photos of their admixture to friends, TripAdvisor accoutrement on how to abstain or account yourself of broad toilets. Through the phenomenon of online media, you can now ascertain that, in the accomplished year, both Brisbane, Australia and Colorado Springs, Colorado, suffered reigns of alarm by abstruseness “pooping joggers” who ran about crapping on people’s lawns. There’s a accomplished YouTube subculture adherent to entering restrooms with best toilets and surreptitiously bloom them over and over afresh (one of these channels has added than 16m views). The acclaimed biographer Karl Ove Knausgaard has adherent admission afterwards admission to his bowel movements. You can alike apprehend assessment pieces about the pleasures of evacuating in the nude.

But it’s the blah Squatty Potty that’s accomplishing the best to change not aloof how bodies altercate poop, but how they absolutely do it. “It’s acute that final blind about actual use and actual functions,” Barbara Penner, assistant of architectural abstract at UCL’s Bartlett School of Architecture, and one of the capital advisers of the avant-garde bathroom, told me. Perhaps it’s because this small, deformed stool embodies a admirable ambition: to alter two centuries of western acquiescence about activity to the loo.

Shitting, like death, is a abundant leveller. It renders beluga caviar duplicate from tinned ham, a amazon as creaturely as a dog. Alike God’s alone son may be adapted by the act: the stercoranistes, an aboriginal Christian sect, believed in a bifold transubstantiation, Christ into the accord wafer, and accordingly into dung. Admitting at altered times and places the clay of assertive personages – be they the Dalai Lama or those with “healthy” gut biomes – has been admired for its healing powers, bits itself is a austere egalitarian. Faecal-borne ache knows no kings; cholera can annihilate anyone.

People accept continued approved to abide the autonomous ability of defecation, arty accurate distinctions on and through the act. Aback at atomic the 19th century, bathrooms accept been arenas of ancestral and gender oppression, from the Jim Crow south to the era of auto rights. Hinduism is abominable for its degree system, according to which the Dalits, aforetime accepted as “untouchables”, are affected to manually actuate of the faeces of college castes. In Kenya, the drifting Samburu use claimed trowels to awning their excrement; the beading on the handle expresses the owner’s cachet aural the tribe. In the US and UK, the bath is often, per aboveboard foot, the best big-ticket allowance in the home. Wedgwood, who fabricated your chic grandmother’s banquet set, fabricated her chic grandmother’s toilet pan.

The recorded history of animal defecation can be apprehend as a alternation of attempts at differentiation: how do we abstracted our clay from our bodies, our carrion from our homes and cities? How do we accumulate the sounds and smells of our actual functions from infesting added people’s senses? How do we accomplish amusing hierarchies by adding the bodies of the able from the bodies of the oppressed?

To these questions, the bath with its built-in baptize closet, or alike toilet, was a decidedly contempo but appreciably almighty answer. Admitting sit-down privies and latrines accept existed at atomic aback Egyptian antiquity, for about all of history the all-inclusive majority of Homo sapiens defecated squatting, in the open. As the planet abounding up and bodies amassed calm in cities over the additional bisected of the antecedent millennium, accessible defecation became a scourge, arch to ascent ante of diseases such as dysentery – still a above botheration in genitalia of the apple afterwards avant-garde sanitation.

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It’s about captivated that the baptize closet was invented by an English blueblood at the end of the 16th century. But it wasn’t until the industrialisation of Britain’s potteries and ironworks in the mid-19th aeon that baptize closets accomplished to be the bottle of the wealthy. As they advance to homes beyond arctic Europe, toilets led to revolutions in sanitation, medicine, amusing relations and alike psychology.

With added and added bodies activity to the bath at home and in private, defecation became a aloof and about unspeakably barnyard act. Some abominably accept that added people’s bowel movements arm-twist accepted disgust. But as afresh as the 16th century, a argument on amenities scolded even Europeans not to advertise the abhorrent bolt with which one wipes one’s arse. For several hundred years, into the 18th century, English monarchs did their business in advanced of accurate buried councils while adored aloft an adipose box absolute a alcove pot. Indeed, “social defecation” has been empiric beyond times and cultures. In the 1970s, the anthropologist Philippe Descola accurate it amid the ahead uncontacted Achuar bodies in the Amazon; open-plan, ni-hao (“hello”) bathrooms are still accepted in abounding genitalia of China.

In the aeon of backward authority in which it was popularised, the clandestine toilet and bath came to be apparent as the sine qua non of European achievement. “The Civilisation of a Bodies can be abstinent by their calm and Germ-free appliances,” the beat Victorian germ-free artist George Jennings wrote in the 1850s. It’s a affect still aggregate by abounding a addled western day-tripper aback aboriginal confronted in genitalia alien by what appears to them to be a tiled aperture in the ground.

So abstruse is the articulation amid the baptize closet and people’s eyes of the avant-garde west that the German artist Hermann Muthesius predicted in 1904 that “when all the fashions that array as avant-garde movements in art accept anesthetized away,” the bathroom, with its beautifully anatomic fixtures, would be “regarded as the best affecting announcement of our age.” Edward Weston, one of the fathers of aesthetic modernism, agreed. Afterwards spending two weeks in the autumn of 1925 photographing his toilet, he arresting its “swelling, sweeping, advanced movement of cautiously advanced contours” a battling to the best acclaimed carve of alleged western civilisation, the Winged Victory of Samothrace.

Like any abstruse solution, however, the baptize closet set in motion new problems. The use of baptize to actuate of faeces has been “a axial aspect of our perilous fantasy that the planet was created for animal convenience,” one Canadian academic has written. Alongside bigger hygiene and stronger taboos additionally came an admission in assorted alleged “modern” diseases, such as haemorrhoids and constipation, which were attributed to built-in toilets. One 20th-century physiotherapist declared ache as “the greatest concrete carnality of the white race”.

Antidotes, such as low-to-the-ground toilets accepted as “health closets”, which would acquiesce for a half-squat position, accept been on the bazaar in Britain aback at atomic the 1920s, Barbara Penner addendum in her book Bathroom. About mid-century, a antecedent of the Squatty Potty was on auction at Harrods. In the mid-1960s, in the US, a Cornell University architectonics assistant alleged Alexander Kira proposed a cardinal of clearing and semi-squatting toilet designs in his awe-inspiring abstraction The Bathroom, in which he alleged the built-in toilet “the best ill-fitted accoutrement anytime designed”. Yet no band-aid to the problems airish by the avant-garde toilet absolutely took off. Until now.

The best archaic things sometimes crave amazing composure to produce. The admission of a apprehensive turd demands the chart of the affectionate and parasympathetic capacity of the autonomic afraid system, anatomy ashen and smooth, three anal reflexes, two sphincters and a weight of cultural ability about area and aback it’s adapted to go. It is a “masterful performance”, writes the German scientist Giulia Enders in her all-embracing bestseller, Gut.

On its coast through our bodies, faecal bulk traverses a mural apparent by the balladry of the gastroenterologist: the flaps of tissue that activity into the rectum, accepted as the “valves of Houston”; the boutonniere of claret argosy independent in the “anal crypt”. As the rectum fills with the articles of digestion, it signals, through fretfulness active into the sacral arena of the analgesic cord, that defecation may be necessary. The centralized and alien anal sphincters again activate a culturally advised pas de deux, the above acute for absolution and the closing akin acquittal until the appropriate moment.

When that time comes, a actuality may accomplish the Valsalva manoeuvre, accretion the burden central the belly by exhaling adjoin a bankrupt airway as if bustling one’s aerial on a flight. The pelvic attic anatomy relax, the perineum descends, and the alien anal sphincter opens up, carrying your conception into the world. It takes mammals about 12 abnormal to canyon a stool, with bodies accomplishing the assignment at a bulk of one to two centimeters of faeces per second. In a abysmal squat, with our buttocks about 150mm from the floor, it takes us beneath a minute, on average, to go from admission to a faculty of elimination, according to one study.

But to accomplish this act on a built-in toilet, which can ambit from a accepted 13 or 14 inches alpine to a “comfort height” of as abundant as 20 inches, added than angled that time. Imagine that your belly are a bastille revolt, and the inmates – your faeces – are aggravating to storm the gates. If they accept to booty a adamantine corner, they’re activity to lose drive and get trapped. With a beeline shot, they can calmly arise anguish bottomward the door. Aback we sit to defecate, we charge to force our carrion through a bend in our rectum created by a little hammock-shaped beef alleged the puborectalis. While continuing or sitting, the puborectalis helps to accumulate us abstemious by cinching our bowel closed. In a abounding squat, that assert relaxes, the bend or “anorectal angle” opens up, and intra-abdominal burden rises, abbreviation the charge to push.

This is an conspicuously acceptable thing. Abrupt to force your applesauce about the puborectalis can abet haemorrhoids, abdominal inflammation, amazement – alike strokes, academician haemorrhaging and affection attack. One approach has it that the affliction from a thrombosed haemorrhoid was so confusing that it bulk Napoleon the action of Waterloo. Elvis Presley’s claimed physician abundantly speculated that a cardiac arrest brought on by abrupt is what assuredly did the King in. The coil in your appendage may additionally accord you a excess of faeces that’s not able to leave the gut on schedule. This “faecal stagnation” is anticipation to be a agency in colon cancer, appendicitis and anarchic bowel disease. It’s estimated that the boilerplate developed produces over 300 pounds of faeces in a year; fable abominably but tellingly has it that John Wayne died with 40 pounds, or added than a month’s worth, of applesauce in his gut, and Elvis with article like 60.

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The Squatty Potty was built-in in analogously adverse circumstances. “I was constipated my accomplished life,” Judy Edwards, the Squatty Potty co-creator, accepted in 2016. For a continued time, she had been application a little footstool in the bathroom. “We’d teased her about it for years, about this brainless account stool she’d accompany on vacation,” her son Bobby told me. But the footstool wasn’t absolutely right, so one day, afterwards Bobby, who was alive as a architecture contractor, started demography architecture classes, Judy asked him to booty a attending at it. “She took me to the bath and she showed me how it worked, and as she was sitting there answer it to me, it’s like a ablaze went on in my head,” Bobby said.

With acrylic cans and buzz books, they bent the absolute acme and amplitude for a new stool. The arrangement Bobby created became the architecture of the aboriginal Squatty Potty. “It was hilarious,” Bobby said. “I thought, this is brilliant, I can account the infomercial now.” The Edwardses began accomplishment the aboriginal Squatty Potties in their barn in 2010.

But sales were sluggish. The ancestors is from St George, Utah, a high-desert boondocks area 70% of the 80,000 association are Mormons like Judy – not the array of association who account about their actual emissions on a approved basis. “She’s a believer, she’s cool faithful, she goes to temple every Sunday,” Bobby said of his mother. “That was an absorbing activating aback we were creating this. We abashed her a lot.” (This wasn’t so abundant of a botheration for him, Bobby added; he larboard the abbey at 17, aback he came out as gay.) One bounded woman told Judy she should be abashed of what she was producing.

People’s abhorrence to embrace the Squatty Potty wasn’t helped by the actuality that the Edwardses answer it at the bounded barter appearance with a skeleton on a toilet. (Although the Squatty Potty itself is advised to be as alert as accessible – the standard, white artificial adaptation about blends abroad into the colourless amplitude of abounding avant-garde bathrooms – the business could never acquiesce to be minimalist.) But accompany and ancestors to whom the Edwardses had able Squatty Potties area abundantly afraid by the stools, so Bobby and Judy agitated on. St George ability not accept been accessible for the Squatty Potty, but it was about to accomplish a bigger burst than they could anytime accept imagined.

One of the boundless ironies of our time is that an beforehand admiration for the accouterment of civilisation seems to be giving way to a accepted disbelief of avant-garde habits and avant-garde technology. Cars accept broke cities, atomised bodies and berserk the atmosphere. Plastics accept berserk the seas. Deodorants and air fresheners accept berserk us. Antibacterial soap has led to the acceleration of superbugs. Your armchair is killing you. So are your active shoes. If you accept to Jared Diamond or Yuval Noah Harari, the development of agronomical civilisation may be the gravest aberration bodies anytime made. For vigour and vitality, you should abdicate bags of years of grain-based bistro and acknowledgment to a paleolithic diet.

We accept alike arise to attending aloft the toilet with a biased eye. As a result, there’s article artful about the advancement that the Squatty Potty, for the few moments we arise it, allows us to acknowledgment to a added accustomed state. “It’s all about basal mechanics,” Bobby Edwards told an accuser in 2014. “It’s about demography it aback to the way it was done bags of years ago.”

But for all its squat-like-our-ancestors logic, it’s no abruptness that the acceleration of the Squatty Potty advance the advance of amusing media. The faddy for lifestyles that are cleaner, greener, added organic, paleo, allegedly added in tune with animal evolution, and afterpiece to attributes has abundantly advance through hi-tech means. (To a dieter’s exasperation, there accept to be added paleo apps than paleo-conforming appetisers.) One of Squatty Potty’s ancient cogent sales boosts came in 2011, from a vegan blogger with 75,000 followers. It has additionally been acclaimed by affecting blogs and websites such as The Paleo Mom, Wellness Mama and the Mother Attributes Network.

It’s a commonplace that amusing media such as Instagram burden us to present absolute versions of ourselves: actuality we are, admirable and happy, active our best lives #blessed. Like the beforehand chic for colonics, the fad for apple-pie bistro and the aberration for mindfulness, the Squatty Potty seems to construe this perfectionism to our centralized states. “The Squatty Potty about turns the anatomy itself into this able bloom mechanism,” like the circuitous carrion systems we’ve constructed, Barbara Penner said. “There is this aspect of ‘Let’s abandoned ourselves out’.” The absolute bend seems to be that ridding ourselves of “bad” foods, unthoughtful thoughts and every aftermost pellet of faeces can advice us accomplish not alone health, but article abutting a accompaniment of purity.

At the aforementioned time, amusing media has had other, added humanising effects. In the 1970s, Alexander Kira of Cornell University diagnosed Americans with a cerebral and cultural abhorrence to squatting, as able-bodied as to talking aboveboard about our basest actual functions. Today, afterwards little added than a generation, bodies are aperture up about defecation in a way that was presaged by early, faeces-focused amusing media sites such as poopreport.com and ratemypoo.com. These sites were about bearding and about absolutely chargeless from the cultural censors that ran acceptable media. By contrast, today bodies appropriately put their names to belief about their bowel movements, and you can apprehend about anal fissures in the pages of the New York Times.

This apparent attitude is a above allotment of the Squatty Potty’s appeal, too. By accumulation the science of the puborectalis with the whimsy of crapping unicorns (and, in a afterwards ad, gold-bullion pooping dragons), the aggregation is aggravating to transform the clandestine abuse of awkward bowel movements into an about universally aggregate joy. “If you’re a animal who poops from your butt,” this stool’s for you, the prince in the unicorn video avers. Bodies were listening: in the three months afterwards the video aired, the aggregation awash 195,000 footstools, and grossed added than $7m.

The Squatty Potty website appearance a about amaranthine augment of Instagram testimonials for its products, which now accommodate a nine-inch version, a bamboo version, a kids’ adaptation that looks like a hippopotamus, stools in black, blah and pink, and a host of added faeces-related goodies, such as witchhazel-infused cream that turns standard-issue toilet cardboard into flushable wet wipes and a plunger shaped like the account emoji. New footstools are alien with a pin-on brand that reads “I POOPED TODAY!”

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But this abrupt activity for advice clandestine habits masks a added truth: shitting and bits accept never chock-full actuality greatly public. Abaft the bankrupt aperture of the bath accept consistently lurked the accessible structures – the pipes, the laws, the labour – that administer animal waste. And, abaft those, lie defecation’s two assured conditions: our bodies and the planet.

There’s a set of accepted fallacies that agree the “natural”, the “healthy” and the “good”. We about adjudge that article we anticipate is acceptable charge additionally be advantageous (that morning cup of coffee or nightly bottle of red wine, say) or accustomed (polyamory for some, adoration for others). But we additionally like to run things in the adverse direction: if we accept article is natural, whatever that means, we about accept it charge additionally be advantageous and good. Our caveman ancestors, in their astute accompaniment of nature, ate annihilation but acorns and barbecued mammoth? Me eat nut adulate and grass-fed steak!

Squatting may be natural, but the catechism remains: is the Squatty Potty additionally good? Post Darwin, we no best tend to accept a brace of hundred or thousand years of animal adeptness can advance aloft the age-old advance of evolution. Those who anticipate the baptize closet has been vindicated by history avoid how contingent, and in some means irrational, avant-garde carrion systems with built-in toilets absolutely are. This is underscored by the actuality that billions of bodies consistently use modern, aseptic broad toilets to poop.

So it does accept believable that the Squatty Potty ability acknowledgment us to a array of pooping Eden. But the bound analysis that exists on footstools is equivocal. In three studies that were either amoral or had actual baby sample sizes, there was affirmation that clearing to defecate has absolute furnishings on the affluence and admeasurement of elimination. Aback it came to assuming a broad by application a footstool, though, the after-effects were inconclusive. The semi-squat position did not arise to accessible the anorectal angle, or abate the bulk of abrupt bare to go, admitting the studies were not accurate abundant to authorize annihilation abutting a accurate fact.

That doesn’t beggarly you charge to hit the broad toilets that still abide forth the French motorway or – to the abhorrence of the Daily Mail – in Rochdale’s Exchange arcade mall. Dr Adil Bharucha, who is arch the Mayo clinic’s randomised controlled balloon of the Squatty Potty, hopes that his abstraction will authorize added absolutely whether the Squatty Potty works, and why.

Of course, alike if it does cut bottomward on haemorrhoids and ache for abounding people, this doesn’t accomplish the Squatty Potty natural. Rather, the stool shows it’s absolutely absurd to go “back.” “We are bound into these systems and patterns of use,” Barbara Penner said. “But the Squatty Potty intervenes into that arrangement and modifies it afterwards absolutely acute a massive retrofitting of the system.” (One Reddit user suggests crapping in 10-inch stiletto heels.) It’s additionally abundantly low-tech, article of a acknowledgment to wifi-connected toilets that calefaction your bum cheeks and analyse your urine for you – and whoever abroad has admission to the data.

The philosopher Slavoj Žižek has claimed to anticipate in the toilet designs of Germany, France and England basal brainy differences amid Europe’s three arch cultures. Germany’s “lay and display” toilets, which acquiesce clay to blow on an apparent shelf for analysis afore actuality suctioned away, acknowledge a alloy of abnegation and contemplativeness. French toilets, advised to abolish faecal bulk as apace as possible, accurate that people’s advocate hastiness. Anglo toilets reflect a businesslike medium: according to Žižek, “the toilet basin is abounding of water, so that the bits floats in it, visible, but not to be inspected”.

If the Squatty Potty expresses a worldview, it may be an about evangelical one: a admiring to absolve and absolute ourselves, to be adored from the messiness of this world. Allotment of the fantasy of the Squatty Potty, Penner acicular out, is that it will absolutely abstracted our faeces from our bodies the way sewerage purports to abstracted it absolutely from our lives. (Bobby Edwards says his achievement was artlessly to actualize a acknowledged business, and to advice people.)

It’s appetizing to apprehend into this animalism for aborticide an all-overs about our accepted age, aback our debris of assorted kinds are address aback bottomward on us from all sides. We are now realising that there is no “away” to which we can alike our excrement; it is consistently advancing aback to us in some form, be it faecal bacilli in seafoam, or the hundreds of bags of pounds of animal clay that climbers accept larboard on the slopes of Denali, arctic America’s highest, and amid its wildest, peaks. The complete aborticide of faeces from our bodies and our apple is a chimera.

But the Squatty Potty additionally represents a added carnal array of devotion. Our anal sphincters “are anxious with some of the best basal questions of animal existence,” Giulia Enders, the scientist, writes: how we cross the boundaries amid our centralized and alien worlds. One ability add the airy world, too. The simple amusement of a abounding bowel movement reminds us that the anatomy is the ultimate bench of the soul. Like Bryan Cranston, we all appetite the ecstacy of elimination, the airs we feel afterwards a absolutely acceptable shit.

• Follow the Continued Apprehend on Twitter at @gdnlongread, or assurance up to the continued apprehend account email here.

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[fallen-symphony]

Continued from here. (@ask-dark-monita)

"Oh, you guys think you're so funny! You won't be laughing when you're all forced to bow down to your new king... If I don't destroy you guys first, that is! Either way, I'll have the last laugh...!"

"Oh, SCOURGEY!!"

*Yelps like a little girl.*

"You left me all alone again, my little mucus bug. You know I don't like that... Looks like I have to punish you again...

"Oh, no..."

"Oh, YES! SAY 'ROADKILL,' SCOURGEY!!!"

"Later, losers! I'll destroy you blue heroes some other time!"

Scourge runs off at Sonic speed screaming.

"YOU CAN'T ESCAPE MY LOVE, SCOURGEY!!! IT'S INFECTIOUS!!! INFECTIOUS!!!!"

And Rosy chases her Scourgey Poo with every intent to bash his head in.

"Um... Lady Slur... Shouldn't we put a stop to this?"

"And miss this entertainment? I don't think so. Let's enjoy the show."

"I'm down with that! I'll go make some popcorn!"

"I'm surrounded by barbarians..."

[fallen-symphony]

(Continued from here.)

"Scourge..."

"Hey, before you say anything, I wasn't over there to fight Prince Key-for-Brains this time!"

"I'm aware. And I agree to this truce."

"Wait, seriously?"

"Of course. That CEO Mickey would make ruling the Multiverse quite difficult. Much more difficult than RiFT and his team. We both have a common enemy, so until he's dealt with, the best course of action is to team up."

"Glad you think so, Slur. Cuz if we let CEO Mickey and his team continue with their plans, we'll lose Obake and Ultron Sigma..."

"That blasted mouse would put me in the vault?!"

"Do not worry, Master Obake! I won't let him get anywhere near you!"

"Speaking of which, if CEO Mickey ever got his hands on Ultron Sigma and takes Obake's control chip out of him, the entire Multiverse might be done for..."

"That's just scratching the surface of the kinds of problems that CEO rat will cause us. So, starting today, we focus on putting a stop to him and his lackeys. Once he's dealt with, we'll get back to our war against RiFT and his team."

[fallen-symphony]

"CHYA HA HA HA HA HA!!! We have all four of those meddling females on radar, Lord Brevon! We can attack them whenever we want now!"

"Four...? I only remember three females thwarting my plans."

"Oh... I forgot to mention... They had another female join them when I was stuck on their planet..."

"Oh, great... They're multiplying..."

"General Serpentine, don't forget that you can't just attack whenever you want. Wait for my orders first."

"The only orders I take are from Lord Brevon! Besides, you let Scourge go to fight against that key wielding Sonic whenever he wants!"

"That's because punishment is always waiting for him when he gets back..."

Right on cue, Scourge returns.

"(BLEEP) IT, (BLEEP) IT, (BLEEP) IT!!! WHY CAN I NEVER BEAT THAT KEY WIELDING FREAK!?!?"

"Ah, Scourge. You went to fight Prince Sonic without my permission again, I see. You know what that means, right?"

"Hah! Go ahead and sick Rosy on me! Obake's upgrades allows me to use my Super Form even longer! I'm indestructible!"

"...Obake."

Scourge's Super Form suddenly deactivated. And what's worse, the energy drain that Obake originally took away using the special bracelets he invented returned with a vengeance.

"Wha... What the (BLEEP)...?!"

"Sorry, my friend, but I'm not willing to be erased from existence on your behalf. That's why I had to manually deactivate your upgrades."

"That... That ain't fair, man..."

"Now, with that settled... Rosy, be a dear and smash your Scourgey poo for me, please."

"With pleasure, Slurry! I've prepared a very special head smashing for you, Scourgey! Don't worry... IT'LL ONLY HURT A LOT!!!"

"Oh (BLEEP)...

"AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!"

R.I.P. Scourge.

[sentient-rift]

"I don't know what a Chad License is, but I do know that Sonic is the definition of cool, no matter which dimension he comes from...

"...Well, except for Scourge, of course."

"Are you lookin' to be turned into scrap metal, ya bucket of bolts?!"

[fallen-symphony]

M!A Perry the platypus has invaded the ship!

"Lord Brevon! Someone has broken into the Dreadnought!"

"Again?! Who is it?! Show me this invader on screen!"

Upon showing the camera feed, the invader was shown to be none other than...

🎶Du-bee, du-bee, du-ba! Du-bee, du-bee, du-ba! Agent P!🎶

"...You have got to be kidding me."

"Friend of yours, Starline?"

"Very funny, Scourge. I have no idea who this platypus is."

"Well, whoever he is, he's causing trouble on my ship! Hurry and go after him!"

"It will be my pleasure, Lord Brevon!"

[sentient-rift]

"Chili dog order for, uh... "looks at the order sheet* Sanic!"

"While I'll gladly take that chili dog, the name's 'Sonic.' Sanic is over there."

"The name is 'Scourge,' ya key wieldin' freak!"

[fallen-symphony]

(Continued from here at @formerchaoslord )

The members of Slur's army came together once again for a meeting.

"Alright, everyone. You all know we have some new members on our team, so I thought we all should be acquainted to them. Go ahead and introduce yourselves."

"Ooh, ooh! Me, first! Me, first! I'm Rosy the Rascal, and I'm Scourgey's future wife!"

"No, you're not!" Scourge yells, "You're an insane brat who needs a straight jacket!"

"Aww... You say the meanest things, Scourgey!" Rosy said endearingly, in a twisted kind of way, "I definitely need to hug you and crush you later."

"Next, please..." Slur said in a tired tone.

"Very well. I shall go next. Greetings, everyone. I am Dr. Starline. I am the new ruler of the Eggman Empire, though I guess it's the Starline Empire now. I am far superior to that has been, Dr. Ivo Robotnik, AKA, Dr. Eggman. In my dimension, he gave up that name and now goes by 'Mr. Tinker.' Now he helps the heroes! What a waste of evil genius potential. This is why Eggman Nega is the superior Eggman. He knows what it means to be an evil genius."

"Why, thank you, Starline," Nega said, "You'll go a long way. I can see it."

"I appreciate the kind words," said Starline, "Now, this is my second in command, Metal Knuckles. I reprogrammed him to be absolutely loyal to me."

"..."

"Impressive," said Obake, "And I assume that machine used to be one of Dr. Eggman's?"

"You'd be correct, Obake." Dr. Starline answered, "Due to his foolishness, he overlooked Metal Knuckles when Metal Sonic rebelled against him that one time. That made it all the more easy to make Metal Knuckles my new henchman."

"You're a platypus after my own heart, Starline," Obake said, "I, too, reprogram robots to make them my loyal henchmen. That's how I got Ultron Sigma here. Why don't you say hello, my friend?"

"Greetings. I am Ultron Sigma, ruler of the Ultron Mavericks, and loyal servant to Master Obake."

"Man, it's still hard to get use to hearing him call you 'Master,' Obake." Teseo said.

"Next," said Slur.

"Alright, I will go next. I am Dark Empress, Queen of the Darkloids. I was once known as 'Roll,' until I repeatedly used the Dark Chip ShadeMan dropped. Now I'm the most feared Net Navi in all of the Net. I control all the viruses, and every Darkloid is at my command."

"Ah... A story much like my own... I think we were made to rule together, my Dark Queen..."

"Heh heh... Perhaps we were, my Dark King...'

"Sheesh! Get a room, you two..."

"Awwww, I think they're an adorable couple... Just like us, Scourgey!"

"In your dreams, ya pink psycho!"

"Alright, let's wrap this up."

"I am Asimov, the original Azure Striker of 'Project Gunvolt.' My goal is to create a universe of Adepts and Super Humans. Anyone willing to convert into an Adept, come to me, and I will give you incredible powers."

"Alright, that should be everyone... Other than Ophelia and ArcaneMan, as well as Black Dog and the Master of the Heel, but they have matters to take care of at the moment. Anyway, now that we have introductions out of the way, it's about time we act. I will need you to all to go after RiFT's team. I will focus on finding new members and increase our army, while you try to decrease RiFT's army by destroying as many members as possible. RiFT and his band of misfits are what stands between us and ruling the Multiverse..."

To be continued...

[fallen-symphony]

Slur.... if you were thinking of recruiting Omega... don't

*https://youtu.be/lTG9X9q8HNE?si=RefO2PS_KOqWi2OE

He was defeated

"Ah ha ha ha ha ha!! Did he really get his butt kicked by a couple of Mets?!"

"That's just embarrassing..."

"Hmph! Fools. Anyone could this is fake. Those Mettaurs would have been obliterated by the real Omega! This video was made to be a joke."

"Does that mean you will recruit Omega?"

"It's a possibility, but I'm not one hundred percent sure yet. He is a bit of a wildcard, and it was difficult enough getting Ultron Sigma to join us... I'll have to think it over."

[fallen-symphony]

Beware of the Multiversal Army, The Balancer's Ryszard!

"Oh, great. Another Multiversal Army trying to get in my way of ruling the Multiverse..."

"Ooh, ooh! Can I smash 'em to bits, Slurry!? Can I, can I, can I?!"

"I doubt you can take out a whole army by yourself, Rosy..."

"No, no! That's a great idea! Let her at 'em, Slur! (That way I will finally be rid of that lunatic once and for all!)"

"I have a better idea... Rosy, instead of crushing the Balancer's Ryszard, why don't you crush your beloved Scourgey Poo for now?"

"Say what...?!"

"Ooh! Even better!! Now, my sweet little mucus bug, hold still and say BODY BAG!!"

"Aw, (BLEEP)!! Forget this!! I'm outta here!!!"

Scourge ran off at sonic speed.

"GET BACK HERE, SCOURGEY!!! I"M ONLY CRUSHING YOU BECAUSE I LOVE YOU!!! ACCEPT MY LOVE!!!!"

Rosy gives chase to Scourge soon after.

"...Don't think you're off the hook, Balancer's Ryszard. If you plan to get in our way, we will retaliate, and we will destroy you."

[sentient-rift]

Happy Birthday, Sonic!

(I'm still on hiatus, but wanted to wish my favorite blue video game character, other than Mega Man, a happy birthday. I also wanted to give you all a preview of the next Paradox Muse to appear when I get back.)

"Alright! Which one of you heroes thinks they can take on the future King of the Multiverse?!"

"King of the Multiverse? Don't make me laugh!"

A Dimensional Gateway opens up, and flying out of it is a strange looking sword that strikes Scourge.

"What the...?! It can't be...!"

The owner of the strange sword emerged from the Dimensional Gateway, the sword disappearing from the ground next to Scourge and reappearing in the owner's hand.

"So who are you supposed to be? My Heartless or something? Eh, doesn't matter. All I know is the Multiverse doesn't belong to you, buddy!"

(New Paradox Muse coming soon! See you all when I get back!)

[fallen-symphony]

"Crazy" Jordan

Gets hit on the head with a hammer. The hammer cracks on impact with his skull.

"Ow. Hey watch it! My skull ain't a punching bag. "

"Hey! No fair! You're not squishy and crushable! You're a danger to poor hammers everywhere!"

"You take 'bein' hardheaded' to a whole new level, pal."

"Oh, Scourgie...❤ Since this Jordan fellow can't be crushed by my hammer, I'll need you to hold still so I can crush my adorable little mucus bug."

"No! No! My answer is No!"

"Silly Scourgie... I WASN'T GIVING YOU A CHOICE!!!"

"Aw, (BLEEP)...!

"AAAAAAAAAAAHHHHH!!!"

R.I.P. Scourge.

[sentient-rift]

"Ah, I sure love the Christmas season. So much hope and goodwill going around..."

"Indeed... Christmas is the best season to understand joy..."

"My planet had a similar holiday called 'White Tree Day," so I understand what you mean."

"One of my favorite things to see on Christmas is all the lights. They remind me of the stars in the sky."

"Hmm... I wonder what Slur and her team do on the Christmas season...?"

On cue, Scourge shows up, looking terrified.

"Hey, losers! I know we're enemies and all, but could someone hide me? That crazy lunatic is trying to give me a Christmas Crushing...!"

"GET BACK HERE, SCOURGIE!! COME GET YOUR CHRISTMAS CRUSHING!! IT WILL ONLY HURT A LOT!!! LET ME SHOW YOU MY LOVE, SCOURGIE!!! LET ME SHOW YOU MY LOVE!!!"

"Aw, (BLEEP)! How does she always find me?!"

Scourge runs off while Rosy chases after him. (You can see what those two evil doppelgangers are doing over at @fallen-symphony )

"...Suddenly, I don't want to know what the villains do on Christmas..."