#all i’m saying is first kill is monumental from a production perspective even though it’s slammed for being unserious

[freshmandarin]

said this on twitter already but also First Kill season 1 proves that you can make a super sexy show without gratuitous nudity. that’s the power of a FEMALE/QUEER GAZE.

and of course if the girlies do want to take their clothes off in other media they should be empowered to!! but my main point here is womxn creators are in touch with a whole different dimension of sensuality like this couple showed no nudes but still had more captivating intimacy than every teen show out there. And hearing the cast talk about how it was one of the better and more thoughtful intimacy coordinations they’ve ever experienced is so important too, because what is the point of fun media if it harmed those who labored to create it?

[theatresteph]

Came up with some spec about Bellarke, Octavia and the list after this photo was released recently. I’m sure plenty of people thought about this a long time ago, but here I am.

(Octavia stans, you might want to look away, because I’m going to be judging her as fairly as everyone else)

‪Notice how Octavia’s 5th on the list? That’s interesting!

Abby, Jackson, Jaha and Raven are clearly the first 4 because they were all part of the inner circle of leadership AND they have essential skills that would be needed to run and maintain the ship during the time jump. We ‪know that simply being in the inner circle and having these skills wasn’t enough to qualify, cause you also had to be one of the best at what you do, which is why Monty didn’t make the list (he was a good engineer and her friend, but he was only an apprentice 😞), and you also ‪have to be healthy and not appear to be at risk of future health problems, which is why Harper didn’t make the list, even though she was a good guard and a then healthy young woman, and the list was supposed to be weighted towards young women who could have children.

We should also note that Kane isn’t on it, which could be a ‪production oversight because he seems like someone who should be there at first glance, but if we’re assuming within canon that every person was deliberately chosen, then I imagine that he didn’t make the cut because, while he was Abby’s partner, and a father figure to Clarke ‪and Bellamy, AND was the Chancellor and one of the best leaders and diplomats from Skaikru at the time, he was most definitely not a healthy young woman with essential skills like medicine or engineering, and they already had Jaha to fill the leadership role, who was also an ‪engineer, therefore pragmatically the better option even though Kane was definitely closer to and more well-liked by the inner circle, not to mention, at least from my perspective, more liked by fans cause of his character.

So looking at the list in the sad but pragmatic way ‪the show definitely wanted us and the characters to view it, there isn’t a lot of fair logic in Octavia being on the list AT ALL, let alone 5TH! This is purely from a ‪logical standpoint. This was season 4, Octavia wasn’t even living in Arcadia anymore, and she was going through the dark time of being Skairipa, openly having few loyalties, and Skaikru definitely wasn’t one of them. She was Kane’s bodyguard briefly and knew about Praimfaya ‪but, from my perspective, didn’t seem to care about protecting herself or the human race from it, at least in comparison to everyone in Arkadia, who were searching and working high and low for a solution ‬EVERY DAY!!! This was Octavia at one of her loneliest and darkest times, and she definitely wasn’t on good terms with Clarke and Bellamy. Even if she had been, logically, she was a poor choice because she did not have any essential skills that would be necessary inside the bunker, so pragmatically, placing her on the list was wrong and unfair when someone else with essential skills would have been a far better choice based on the criteria we’ve gathered.

So why did she make it on the list and why was she so high up?

We can guess why. It was a no-brainer for Bellamy, and while we don’t know whether Clarke would have debated with him about it, we DO know that she was insisting earlier that HE would be one of the people inside. They clearly decided on whom in their inner circle would be inside first, so I can imagine Clarke trying to be fair and pragmatic by gently telling him all the reasons I pointed out above why it isn’t fair to put her on the list, as I’m sure they had that conversation when they had to decide that Monty didn’t qualify. But I can also imagine her not giving it a second thought, writing Octavia’s name down immediately because she knows that there’s no way in Hell he’ll let her put him on the list if his sister isn’t also. Either way, we can be pretty damn certain that Octavia was only on the list because Clarke loves Bellamy and would do whatever it took to make sure he lives, even though it comes at the price of another, likely more qualified life. She definitely didn’t write her name because she’s her friend, because I don’t think you can exactly call them friends when they haven’t seen each other since they left Polis, and their relationship was more like that of cordial or old allies rather than friends at this point. Clarke was far closer to Monty at this point than everyone else outside of Bellamy, and yet she was able to decide not to write his name, so we know the strength of her resolve. It’s only where Bellamy’s concerned that she falters, her cold yet necessary pragmatism being weak against her love for him.

This isn’t the first time we’ve seen it and it definitely isn’t the last. Hell, we see this exact scenario heightened to the max when she can’t pull the trigger in 4x11! It’s basically the same! In a moment where the fate of the human race hangs in the balance, Bellamy is risking it all to make sure Octavia survives, and as much as Clarke believes she must, she can’t bring herself to lose him for the sake of their people. She couldn’t choose to save two more qualified members of Skaikru against making sure Bellamy lives, and can’t save all of Skaikru from potentially being slaughtered - essentially killing the entire human race since none of the Grounders knew how to run the bunker - at the cost of Bellamy’s life, of taking his life herself.

So... WOW!!!!! That’s love, people! And Octavia is damn lucky that Clarke loves her brother more than anyone else, more than the value of the human race, because it seems almost certain that she would not have made it inside if Clarke didn’t love him enough to risk what was believed to be the last of the human race to let him save his sister. It’s the same reason Clarke didn’t kill or attack Octavia when she was a danger to Madi in season 5. Clarke had good reason for thinking it was the only way to stop the war and protect her daughter, and I have no doubt she would have gone through with it. Except that Bellamy said no, and even though she tried to rationally convince him that it was necessary (in the same way I expect she did if she’d have first tried to convince him that she can’t go on the list if that scene had happened), she let go of that plan and didn’t push, later apologising for even suggesting it. He easily accepts, saying that he probably would have done the same thing if she were anyone else, which leads into another sweet moment about the heart and the head and mumma bears 🥰.

And then later, we see the ultimate table-turn of Octavia’s position in Bellarke’s love; while Octavia is definitely still alive at this point in season 5 because Clarke loves Bellamy, she’s then poisoned because Bellamy loves Clarke! This was the most shocking moment of truth for their relationships at the time, both Bellarke’s and the Blake siblings’. While anyone could probably tell long before this moment that Bellamy loves Clarke more than Octavia, it had never been so explicitly clear until this moment, when Bellamy’s not only choosing her over his sister, whom he basically raised and has always loved the most until Clarke came along, but is actually risking her life for her! This decision is monumental! No one, absolutely NO ONE, had ever come before Octavia for Bellamy, and definitely not his girlfriend, because while he did challenge her, he didn’t and clearly wouldn’t have risked her life for Echo. But he did for Clarke! Clarke was and is more important to him than everyone and everything else! It’s so significant that the infamous “traitor who you love” line happened right before this, IN THE SAME SCENE! He couldn’t deny it or confirm it with his words, but his actions said it all! He loves Clarke, he knew it before he came in that room even if he couldn’t admit it to himself, that’s why he was clutching that algae bar. He wouldn’t hurt her or risk her life for anyone or anything before this, but for Clarke, he made a choice and he made it knowingly. It does suck that Clarke may never fully know that loving her is why he did it, but season 6 more than cleared up any doubt about their feelings for each other, and it firmly established where Octavia falls now.

She’s his sister, still someone he loves more than almost anything, but also a separate person from him, someone he won’t prioritise when she isn’t treating him with respect, and undeniably less important to him than his soulmate, which I believe is the way it should be.

I’m so excited for season 7! I can’t wait to see Bellarke finally sort things out and be together like they’ve wanted to be for so fucking long! And I can’t wait to see Octavia okay, reunited with her brother and her sister-in-law (basically), and finally finding happiness. They all deserve it.

[personinneedofmusic]

We need to have this conversation

I want to start off by saying that, while I was reading the petition, from the  time, I was worried. I was concerned about the procedures and the operations required to be able to complete this. That's aside from the fact: how are we going to establish this law unanimously across 50 states and the FUNDING holy shit! We trying to defund the police but when you wanna bring this in "Fuggett uh bowit"! 

Try to imagine how to explain all that in a petition. How would it look? You'd lose the message. This is not a Bill or an Act. This is the way citizens make Congress pay attention to our needs to pass those laws.

Let's forget about the single incident that brought this link in our hands. You says "you don't believe such measures are required". Why is that? When we have a current law enforcement system set in place for a set of local organizations to uphold and enforce laws that we have all agreed to pass through our constitution. But the law is not being upheld fairly (and "fairly" is an understatement).

Justice is not being equally distributed across our land. Just because our system is not functioning as intended does not permit the allowance of it to continue.  Let's bring a better solution not just talk down and reject ANY suggestion. For anyone who talks so much about trying to improve the problems we face, whether it be a fat guy going to the gym or the office job with shitty employees, what are these complainers doing to make the situation better? Absolutely nothing.

Let's go back, though to the George Floyd video. Anyone would agree that those cops had no reason to pin this man down the way they did. Anyone watching would of loved to shoot those bastards and you're right they did not carry firearms so a standoff would of worked against the officers. But like you stated in your opinion about this petition, this is unreasonable. To have all citizens in America carry a firearm is wishful thinking. It is not and has not been a easy thing to possess (I'm not talking about purchasing the firearm that's a whole other story. I'm referring to maintaining dominion). Look at the news articles reporting underage children killing themselves or killing others because these children got their hands on their guardians weapons. This was one of the biggest reasons for the school mass shootings we were experiencing everyday in 2019. The first 60 days of that year had more shootings than days. I remember seeing it on the news. Now checking, The Gun Violence Archive organization has recorded 417 mass shootings all over the U.S. in 2019.

People want want to stick to their statement that everyone should be strapped up? This includes children and students? Going to work or going to school, nobody should be forced to have to know how to operate or shoot a firearm. It's fun AF but it is not and should not be an all-time waking moment requirement, I'll tell you why.

This is a country of consumption and entertainment not a military state, we are not the middle east for christ sakes we've only had one war on this land and that was caused by the same bigotry and inequality we see today. That's the point of this being a free country, we have systems set in place to have to regulate the violence that's the direction that the people have chosen. Both the government and citizens don't agree with carrying guns everywhere they go.

Evidence of this is seen by big data companies and major organizations shoving advertisements of products, films, food, services but not guns not weapons. I'm not talking shit about guns cause I feel we all need one and I fully support the 2nd amendment. But carrying a firearm does NOT mean they decrease the chances of danger and for SURE do not eliminate it. I'll explain shortly.

Angel was right, anyone trying to forcefully stop these prejudice assholes  know their lives are in danger when all they were expected to do that day was go to the liquor store lol (No one owes you shit) You or I cannot expect anyone to step in to interrupt such a cruel act because we all know the outcome. This ain't talking about "what ifs" we know it would take dozens of unarmed people swarming those cops just to save that one life. I can't speak about the "what if" of creating a stand off against those cops because we do not live in that reality. In this dilemma, in the real world we live in I can say that my heart would break watching this in person and I may act irrationally by attempting to forcefully remove them from George's neck and almost certainly get killed in the process. But I would rather die than allow others to continue to watch and act out a murder. "treat others the way you would like to be treated."

If you received news that your loved one was murdered for a courageous and illogical act, you would only have your "what if he had a firearm" statement and it would do you no good. "Legally a cop can't shoot you if you stop being a lethal threat... Many terrorists do that so they don't get shot" -_-  A terrorist is considered a threat to the sovereignty of our home country. We are not the same threat. The fact that you bring that into the conversation is irrelevant because we're speaking about unarmed black civilians who are murdered in cold blood while they beg for their life.

The courts rule in favor of their law enforcement officers and white privileged citizens against minorities and please don't make me research this for you because this should be common knowledge. Once you can accept this common knowledge I can continue to tell you. Rioters fuck up the community, the stores even other people as we've seen in this last month. To the viewer of the organized media (narrow truth) it is narrated that this is hurting the message of the peaceful protesters. Just like every other person stuck at home you believe peaceful protesting is the way to get your voice heard because it's so amazing in getting the job done. Do you know how many peaceful protests have walked down the streets of our country for the killings and unjust verdicts slammed on our brothers and sisters since the 60's? Hundreds recorded and non recorded with absolutely no change.

Martin Luther King Jr. made the following statement: Riots are the language of the unheard. This is not a new statement, therefore not a new perspective, how can I verify this is not a new perspective? Because he stated this before his death in 1968. Who killed him? The CIA. The exact people who you just claimed have the jurisdiction to enforce the law/ protect its people against breaking the law and causing violence. What violence did MLK bring? Please tell me. I'll wait a thousand years for this answer and never get it. So why did they kill him?... Think about it.

The United States government killed Malcolm X because he was an obvious violent threat for his belief to overthrow their racial OPPRESSORS. The generational descendants of the people in power were slave owners and they are making sure they remain in power while the people under this federal system continue to build their wealth.

They ensure that these same "citizens" fight the wars against anyone who does not comply with their wishes. The murderous capital knows no bounds from extending their arms to developing defenseless countries (like Britain from 1400's to 1800's) to its own "citizens" it claims to protect. They see it easier to attack and influence small countries and if they had the chance they will overthrow another country they see as a competitor. But when you pay attention to how they attack the people who threaten their livelihood you will realize this is not for the greater good of the country. This is only serving the needs of greed from the wealthy politicians and business who profit from the dismantling and manipulation of others. ( I digress)

Let's go back to the U.S. in the 60's. They killed Malcolm & Martin to kill positive leaders who inspired self development. They symbolized the future of a race that was self-sufficient so this government that you've served saw it in their right to cut that class of minority's resources and leave people feeling lost & dependant. Apparently the department of self defense has also defended the previous verdict of the CIA killing MLK saying that there wasn't enough evidence in 2000. On paper they are not repsonsible for his murder, but logically speaking, the judicial system could not be forced to make such a monumental mistake in citing themselves as guilty. You can't just believe what others tell you, you need to dig deep and search for the truth.

Have you heard of what happened in 1920's the city called Tulsa?

Rioters have no other option to bring justice so they fuck shit up and will always continue to do so as long as we are oppressed and not treated fairly by our own so called brothers & sisters. Whether you are religious or not, look at the evidence and you will see we are all from the same family tree. So, how would you be able to claim to run a just country while it's representatives constantly put down and prosecute the disenfranchised who already have nothing and continue to take and take from them? Every bit of success or progress is highly praised within our community’s poor kids but women and men of color still experience prejudice & racism on all levels of our society.

What happened to LaVena Johnson (read up please)?

Watching someone drown is one fucked up immoral thing to do, but to purposely hold them down to watch the last bubble of air leave their lungs, it's beyond twisted. It's not just dispicable it is systematic corruption. So to say there are a "few bad apples" is not just wrong. Not just a few bad apples... watching all local law enforcements and national guard being deployed spray tear gas and shoot NON VIOLENT PROTESTORS in the face with rubber bullets (some dying from these so called "non-lethal" methods), this is a muthafuckkin INFESTATION BRUH! You don't see it?! That's called privilege. Because they haven't shined their spotlight on you don't mean you ain't subject to these methods of punishment.

These riots are not sprouting out of the blue just because they felt like it. Rodney King was not the only time between then and now that we had killings and beatings of unarmed minorities.Knowing our history is the reason for the hatred of our federal government (Govern = Control -/- Ment = Mind)

Our mind controllers have been doing a fine job at keeping us asleep for long periods of time, but when you threaten our basic civil rights we can't allow them to continue for the love of our children... for a better world.

I personally cannot loot. And I laughed when a looter was being dragged across the pavement from being stuck under the Semi truck they were trying to rob. Because looting is for the desperate. But focus on why they are desperate. Do you think you'll see rich people looting? You think these people are poor only because they spend money on alcohol? It's because the resources to become richer are made out of reach. Then we have these stock market bubble crashes that not only make people want to commit suicide from being systematically robbed but they widen the gap between poverty and wealth. The rich are not losing, they winning during every period of despair caused within this monopoly game and not sharing. They stock up and keep their resources away from everyone and get fat. Trust me dude, “when these fat muthafukkers get heavy enough, the ground of the people they walk on gonna open up and the hungry gon' EAT!”

You mention that these store owners may become depressed to commit suicide or become a shooter. That's a pretty big "what if" dude, and your whole essay was created based off the fact that you hate "what ifs". Based off my actual experience from speaking to the bankrupt, these people look for another way, they don't lose their composure and take their anger out on others. They could be turned to crime like drug dealing or other illegal services. But that's not because of the looters and rioters, that's specifically because their country's economic system has failed them. Everyone stuck in poverty is just trying to make ends meet.

The right thing like you say is the best procedure where no one gets hurt. But desperacy and greed is a bitch. It's a human element we all possess from top to bottom. Your short story of a sad business owner is heartbreaking but does not apply to every person.

So you agree an officer should be properly equipped to handle a dangerous situation as peacefully as possible. But we have CONSTANT monthly evidence of this not being executed correctly (correctly is an understatement). The petition doesn't even talk about changing police officers physical real world training. It's simply pushing for a Psychological evaluation of the people who have a deadly weapon in their fucking hands. SWAT team killed 7 year old Aiyana Jones performing a Flashbang while she was asleep bro! Where was the value of life? Where the fuck was the rationality? Where the fuck is the justice? Check on her killers and you'll see they're still walking "free" on this land. Flashbangs were made for wartime raids. I know you and I can both agree that this career will break your spirit. But these stories are beyond fucked up. Which is why we need to check on these people and maybe even get them the help they need. We don't know yet cause we're just trying to bring this shit to conversation.

You may feel personally attacked by this request because this may include your career, but we have a secret group of officers called the grim reapers (roughtly 2000 members) mainly white supremacists who KNOW the law they KNOW how to hide from the light so a social media evaluation aint SHIT on the people who could exercise their 1st amendment but against biased, racist and lethal internal terrorist is taking power AWAY from them. Tell me, where are these detectives that you speak of to prosecute these hate groups? "What sounds good to them"? These suggestions are not random dawg. Where is your solution?

If you followed your own advice to educate yourself you'll see throughout history the oppressors have brutally forced their way into a community and into another person's personal property for their own taking. These same oppressors now follow the same procedures to hold the highest power of dominance under this stolen land.

The "why the rules for law enforcement are set in place" is because they are ENFORCING their power over the masses. They created the monsters that you're scared of in the prison cells. These people (remember, these are fucking people) are compressed and compressed with hate, bigotry and systematic abuse throughout bloodlines. Stop looking at this from an individual perspective and within one generation. This has been specified abuse and re-designed slavery for generations almost 500 years now. Slavery has not ended homie. You & I are forced into it when we are forced to comply with actions against our health or will.

No, the law is NOT black & white. Because it should be the people who run the body of the system who decide what right and wrong is and perspectives change over time. Slavery used to be right. Public lynching or beheading throughout history was a public activity. So law is grey and the way we use law to seek justice is grey. That's why we symbolize Lady Justice to be blind. Because we begin our search for truth in square 1/ zero evidence. We gather our verdict, our decision of right and what is true from the evidence provided or there the lack of.  What I was telling Will yesterday about "perceived truth" is that it is not to be confused with total reality. Truth is defined as- in accordance with fact or reality. But reality is PERCEIVED through the eyes of the beholder. "Absence of evidence is not evidence of absence". That's the grey area. That's why Jerome gets a different sentence compared to Chad: same age, same crime, same points, same judge, same courtroom even on the same goddamn day. Just because you have not experienced this horrendous atrocity of having your life threatened by an ominous hierarchy, does not mean it does not exist. It for sure does not mean you should leave it alone just because it's already in place and it seems to be working. It's not working, that's why we are trying anything we can think of to make a change and stop the menacing slaughtering of a certain people.

This is discouraging to see every bit of progress being undermined and pushed back. This is why people say their vote doesn't count and ignore politics, but that's exactly what the wealthy want you to believe. We are the masses not the minorities. The illusion of power is theirs. The real power is ours and we've just been tricked to hand our ability over to the money hungry power hungry FEW! Many different countries attach the representation of law enforcement as pigs. You ever wonder why they all have similar analysis? The characteristics of swine are they are consistently eating and eating without even thinking despite their great intelligence.

Law enforcement has been consistently eating more salary and more power gaining more rights over people and you think this kind of person should not be required to have an Associates degree. You know elementary school teachers are required to have a bachelors degree (4 years of college). I'm not even gonna ask you and give you the chance to ponder whether or not a kids school teacher should have a higher education than the officer who can carry a deadly weapon and interact with full grown adults from all walks of life and still get paid SHIT compared to them. That's not right, sir. And if you don't believe that's fucked up, I now know you prefer to be in a militant state and not a free state. Abuse of power is not within a few, it is within the very core of every powerful government.

Cali gaining more gun laws is still only directing the narrative to the scenery where people all agreed to carry firearms... Again, we do not live in that reality.

Peep this action. When someone hates & dislikes someone or something, you'll notice that these are products of misunderstanding.

There has not been sufficient compromise from the law for a comfortable life because these same issues lawmakers and congress have promised to look into and consider have been thrown in the backburner to suffocate just like the lives of the innocent our so called heroes have taken.

So, I know I mentioned defunding would be difficult to do if we continue with this but I am for defunding the police. Not abolishing but re-allocating their funds. One great way is removing the pension plan to those many fuckers who have a trackrecord of violence on the clock especially the murderers. You want more details about what qualifies or disqualifies someone to receive pension? I could continue but because I'm not a legislator and we're just speaking of a petition, I feel like it's a waste of time right now. Let's see this pass and then we'll dive in.

Defunding does not mean that we're creating an anarchist state. This does mean our heroes will be left on the streets. We can optimize the funds if necessary, but we can't allow the department of self defense to take so much away while it's own people are starving and living in motels or on the brink of losing their homes. This bullshit of lack of healthcare insurance coverage is a whole completely different ball game but also affects poverty and could also use assistance not in providing the government coverage but (for example) regulating these private physicians and hospitals on how they charge different prices for mediations or services in different countries.

Other services that drastically need that re-allocation funding (not overfunding past the law enforcement, remember that): Public housing, mental health services, public education & department of unemployment. Cutting after school programs and defunding your society's children is detrimental to our future and we've been allowing that (not just to continue) to progress for years. We are currently in a crisis of unemployment not caused by a typical economic downturn but nevertheless we've had problems within this public service for years that needs reform in it's method to assist people with finding a job like creating relations with employers for different job classes.

Sarcastically suggesting to fund the weed program because you can't think of any other programs that desperately need reform just shows your disconnect with our society. This is a direct statement to you but this is not a personal attack to you, I just want you to understand that there are many problems that need fixing and throwing money at it is not the solution. That goes for any of the public or federal departments that I've mentioned in this message.

The exponentially growing debt is NOT going to its citizens. Going back to the main topic, we as a body of people are not equipped with the right resources to equally seek liberty and pursuit of happiness. Also, we cannot fully blame anyone else for the decisions we make ourselves so don't expect people to be panhandling. We all just want an equal shot.

Taxes- Are a financial charge or levy imposed by a governmental organization in order to fund government spending and various public expenditures. This means that the people are constantly being depended on to increase the salary of every government funded worker and it's supplies and other expenses to supposedly run properly. But throwing MORE money at something is not going to always fix a problem. As a country that has always found the need to be in debt and constantly spend on the wrong things this is my reason for validating that we need to re-allocate from dangerous or unnecessary spending.

People have argued that the standard technique to privatization will incur by: first defunding, then MAKING sure the facilities will not work which make the people even more angry until those facilities are shifted to the private capital. That's how we began seeing charter schools. You can't feed or educate the people of this country properly and the house of administration wants to defund NASA unless we all agree to work towards building a space station. get THAT shit out of here. The heirs of the Trump family were just recently cited to use taxpayer dollars to fund a trip to another country for a hunting game against the largest sheep in the world (reminds me of the novel, The Most Dangerous Game ;-) hunting their own supporters). TAX PAYER money, for fun! Defund whatever the FUCK they think they can do with our money. The department of defense claims it knows what's best for another country  and so it decides to train that other country's military in an act of diplomacy in hopes to gain a new ally and drain that other country of its resources. Put THAT country in debt so that they help this country with it's spending problem. (This happened multiple times) Get THAT FUCKIN SHIT out of here. Then the U.S wanna act surprised when the threatened country starts to shove the U.S. away when they begin digging their finger in their ass and so we (yes, we. You and I allow this) attack them while creating a narrative here at home that they are savages with no organized government and therefore a broken community with immoral culture (sounds like a male's narrow perspective here in the states that gets butt hurt when they get rejected by a fine ass hyna "fuck you! Slut! You dirty ho". You know there are connotations of this). But the most dangerous areas with these so-called immoral cultures are claimed to be the countries we are at war with. And that does not always mean our home's narrative is accurate. So stop looking to the taxpayer again to bail out the wall street corps and lawmakers who want to infiltrate a new country for its dependence on us. Fix THAT trillions of dollars of spending and we don't have to increase taxes.

People want to have so much faith in the judicial system of this country saying all will be resolved with jury and judges. Do yourself a favor and read up on George Stinney and then Breonna Taylor. Then let me know what kind of rationality you create for that.

QR Codes? I'll admit this had me chuckle. I don't carry a QR scanner on me but I think it's creative and smart to have a bargaining chip you're willing to lose in this conversation.

I feel I have already addressed all bullet points previously mentioned in your response, but one more thing about the re-hire: You can't be serious to think that the main focus of a rehire banning will significantly attack those heroic officers who willingly quit. This petition is specifically calling out for the group of officers who abused their power and had to be fired. Some departments will silently suggest to those officers to quit voluntarily after their post verdict of an abuse of power. But that's another loophole that we need to address possibly in another petition or when this one is passed.

You stated "we can't cookie cutter it, people are all different...". I agree with you. If certain states have a law where an officer can be fired simply because "their captain does not like them", that sounds like another piece of bullshit that deserves a different petition to gain attention. But you fail to acknowledge the cookie cut systematic oppression. El Che (Simón Bolívar) & Pancho Villas did not rise to power for rebellion against a fair system or just for the fuck of it. Neither are we and we're not even as radical. We're still civil. No longer asking, demanding equal rights still after centuries of racial violence.

You may be completely okay with a few bad doctors, lawyers, pilots or cops because it's minuscule to associate them with the term "bad apples". But these are not just only a few bad apples that create a little bit of a sad story here in America. You can't condone an attempt to pass legislation for a petition based on too many "what ifs". But that little girl has to grow up without a father now. Your abundance of what if's are leaving her with the most traumatizing ��what if's” at an early age as well as others in all communities for the colored. What if George wasn't murdered? What if he was just tried and sent to years (I don’t doubt they would of found a way to make it years) of incarceration still unable to raise his child for passing an illegal tender that HE WAS NOT GIVEN THE RIGHT TO A FAIR TRIAL FOR? So to this day remains innocent based on the views of this judicial system. And now what if this same system will eradicate this little girl's life? I will not ask you if a human's life is worth less than the security of our fellow "heroes" because it is not. They took an oath to protect and serve, and all they've been protecting and serving is the interest of the wealthy. The wealthy made from the base of the citizens, the taxpayers so we are the hand that feeds them. And they are threatening us.

[nightmareonfilmstreet]

Pioneer of the Plot Twist: Ranking M. Night Shyamalan’s 10 Best Films On His Birthday

Surprise! Happy Birthday, M. Night Shyamalan

Here at Nightmare on Film Street, we love to celebrate the most influential creators in the world of genre film. Today is no different as we celebrate the birth of one of the most innovative, and polarizing, directors in modern cinema: M. Night Shyamalan.

Born August 6th 1970, Shyamalan burst on to the scene in 1999 with the success of his third film, the supernatural mystery The Sixth Sense. The film was both a critical and commercial success, earning 6 Oscar nominations and a whopping $672 million at the box office. The Sixth Sense also changed the landscape of genre cinema with it’s mind-scrambling twist. A surprise ending that would eventually become Shyamalan’s signature style. Over the years, Shyamalan’s name has even become a pop culture reference, used as a verb when a movie or life reveals a perspective altering twist. Example: “My best friend is actually my reincarnated Iguana from 4th grade, I just got Shyamalaned!

But M. Night Shyamalan’s career isn’t based solely off twists. The writer/director’s filmography is substantially unique, combining his inventive story premises with a myriad of different film genres from pseudo-superhero to found footage. It would also be an understatement to say M. Night’s career has been unpredictable. Two films on his resumé are often regarded the best in their respective genres, while others have been called “the worst movie of all time”. So as we celebrate M. Night Shyamalan’s birthday, let’s break it down by ranking his filmography! NOTE: I’m not including his first two films since they are so small and not really genre-driven. Also watch out for spoilers, duh. It’s a Shyamalan list.

  10. The Last Airbender (2010)

      Oof, this thing is bad. I’d say not by coincidence, Shyamalan’s only non-original property ends up at the bottom of the list. Some will say because of the white-washing, some will say the wonky 3D effects, but I say it boils down to not following the source material. Shyamalan claimed to be a big fan of the show, but character and plot inconsistencies in the film seem to say otherwise. Don’t agree? That’s absolutely fine. Let us here all about it in the comments below!

    9. After Earth (2013)

    Ironically, the word on the street is that Will Smith convinced Shyamalan to do this movie when texting him on his birthday. BE ON ALERT TODAY SHYAMALAN! After Earth is a particular low point because after this, the world was wondering if M. Night had anything left in him. He had a string of underwhelming films leading up to this one and After Earth is the equivalent of a very long sigh. There is just no energy or life in this film, with a twist that doesn’t help since he pretty much recycled it from The Village. BUT! A twist none the less. And who doesn’t like a 3rd act twist??

    8. Lady in the Water (2006)

    It’s hard to defend a movie involving a “Narf” named Story looking for The Author while trying to get home and avoid being killed by a Scrunt (yes, that is indeed the real plot), but I give this movie a little more slack than others. Some call it Shyamalan’s most pretentious and self-indulgent film, I call it ambition. Which is always respectable, even if it doesn’t fully execute because at least he was definitely trying to tell an interesting story. Also, Paul Giamatti was pretty solid as usual.

    7. The Happening (2008)

    The Happening isn’t exactly what one would call a “good movie”, however: it’s a very fun movie. Sporting a low 14% score on Rotten Tomatoes, the only critics that seemed to enjoy this film viewed it as a B-Film, almost a “so bad it’s good” movie. So if you think of it that way and buy into the idea of Mark Wahlberg as a scientist trying to survive killer plants, you can easily have a great time watching this movie. Invite some friends and crack open a few beers for optimal viewing!

    6. Signs (2002)

    At the time of release, Signs was pretty well received. Lately, it’s been the subject of debate to whether it hold up or not, specifically the “twist”. But all in all, Signs is a pretty good movie. I loved the idea of telling a family drama with the added element of aliens. The film is also a masterclass in suspense, with multiple scenes that keep you on the edge of your seat. The scene showing the birthday party footage of the alien still gives me chills just thinking about it.

    5. The Village (2004)

    I guess this is my controversial ranking for this list. When people complain about The Village, it’s literally only criticism of the twist. The whole time we are invested in the monsters surrounding the woods, it turned out to be The Elders doing it to convince the villagers to stay in and not discover we were in present times the whole time. To me, that’s terrifying in itself and I also commend Shyamalan on convincing the audience we were watching a period piece. The film also features a fantastic score, fun creature designs (even if they were fake), and a supremely eerie trailer.

    4. The Visit (2015)

    May be a bit high for this one, but seeing this in theaters was an absolute blast. Not sure if it was from the low expectations I had going in or the effective use of found footage, but The Visit is just good ol’ creepy fun. We saw M. Night go back to his roots, where he had to get inventive to overcome the small budget. Some theories even speculate that the film was satire of himself and his career to an extent. Loved the premise and the movie is filled with genuinely unsettling moments, including one involving an old person diaper. The Visit was a return to form for Shyamalan, even easing up on his usual twist ending (it’s not even a twist, really).

    3. The Sixth Sense (1999)

    Probably gonna get some flack for the placement of (debatably) Shyamalan’s best film, but I still appreciate The Sixth Sense immensely. This movie not only blasted off M. Night’s career, it would be the one to make his name synonymous with plot twists. And though it’s almost become a meme, it can’t be understated how monumental this movie was to cinema in the way he pulled off the twist. Only reason it’s at #3 is because past the second or third viewing, you’re not nearly as invested in the film because the twist really did change the scope of the entire film (In my opinion). The Sixth Sense is still fantastic th

ough, held together by a tight script and Oscar-nominated performances from Haley Joel Osment and Toni Collette.

    2. Unbreakable (2000)

    Another film that could be argued as his best, especially for reasons I’ll get to in a second, Unbreakable is one of the most unique of all his films. Coming out the same year as X-Men and 8 years before Iron Man really kicked off the superhero craze, Shyamalan broke into the comic book movie genre with one of his own. Even more fascinating, was disguising it and grounding it in reality. It’s not even til the final 15 minutes that you discover what you’re actually watching. Unbreakable creates an interesting world, with top notch performances from Bruce Willis and Samuel L. Jackson, respectively. Shyamalan tapped into what it really means to be a hero and overcoming adversity, something he would have to do himself many years later. Luckily, Shymalan would do just that when he eventually returned to this world…

    1. Split (2017)

      Are you shocked to see this movie at #1? Just like you were surprised at the end of Split to find out it was a secret sequel to Unbreakable? Probably so! Not the fan favorite for the top spot, but it’s definitely the film that got you back on board with Shyamalan if The Visit didn’t do so already. Even before the twist, I already loved everything about Split. Anchored by a powerhouse performance by James McAvoy, the movie is intense thriller filled to the brim with tension.

The premise behind getting kidnapped by someone with 23 personalities was already horrifying, but then what the hell is The Beast!? Split keeps you guessing the entire film until you figure out what’s going on, but then the reveal just takes it to entirely new level. On top of that, this movie probably has the best production of any of his previous films. The dread-filled score and cinematography complimented Shyamalan’s story nicely. Top to bottom, a great piece of horror. I remember feeling so proud that after years of defending him, M. Night Shyamalan was officially back and created a cinematic universe right under our noses. But it’s still not his best contribution to cinema…

  What!? This isn’t the end of the list!!!

  In 1999, the same year Shyamalan was soaring to new heights with the success of The Sixth Sense, M. Night was secretly working on another project that would go on to shape a generation…Stuart Little. Before he was a household name, Shyamalan served as a ghostwriter on a few projects in the late 90s. Yes, that’s right, M. Night Shyamalan co-wrote the movie that would spawn 2 sequels, an animated series, and the career of Jonathan Lipnicki. Sure he wasn’t around around for any later installments, but Shyamalan’s contributions laid the foundation to the franchise that would momentarily steal the hearts of America. This was an achievement for Shyamalan, being a ghost and writing a successful family film. It not only broke the stigma around ghostwriters, but reanimated Shyamalan back to life so he could have a successful directing career. Which, if you think about it, makes M. Night Shyamalan a zombie. Boom, you’ve just been Shyamalaned!

    There you have it people, my ranking of M. Night Shyamalan’s films. I can’t wait so see where Glass ends up on here. But enough about my list, what about you? How do you rank his filmography? Does the fact that he’s a zombie change your list? Tell us living un-dead folks here at Nightmare on Film Street your rankings on Twitter or our super cool Facebook group!

    The post Pioneer of the Plot Twist: Ranking M. Night Shyamalan’s 10 Best Films On His Birthday appeared first on Nightmare on Film Street - Horror Movie Podcast, News and Reviews.

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Debby Ryan

Article by Kelli Kickham

Photo by Everette Perry

The life of an 18-year-old girl usually centers around boys, graduating high school and wondering "what next?" For teen star Debby Ryan, things are a little different. You probably know her from her role as Bailey on The Suite Life on Deck, and now she's getting ready for the premiere of her new show Jessie this fall. Ryan's pretty face has graced the covers of many teen magazines. There's plenty more to come from the talented young actress. She's known for her impeccable comedic timing and adorable smile, both of which she carries with an extraordinary level of poise. Rumor also has it that she bakes some pretty amazing pastries and plans to own a jet-pack sometime in the future. So, you may be wondering, "How can I even start to get to know the ins and outs of one of teen America's favorite stars?" Aw, I'm so glad you asked! Trust me, you've come to the right place.

You decided to pursue acting as a full-time career when you were 10 years old. That's a young age to be making any life decisions. Can you remember the thoughts that were going through your head when you made the decision "Yes, this is what I want to do"?

I realized that every amount of work and sacrifice was worth that moment: sitting by a velvet curtain, pulsing with the adrenaline of preparing to get lost in another world, and take people with me. I wanted to use every minute of free time between school, chores, dance, and homework to immerse myself in that realm. I found myself captivated with spending hours studying characters and acting styles, running lines, go to bed early so I could rehearse before school. That, to me, was better than going to the mall, and worth not having free time.

The Suite Life on Deck is all but wrapped up. Are you going to miss your cast mates? Did you make any friends you think you'll keep in touch with?

Of course. I realized I talk to at least one person or another from Suite Life almost every day. When you work with a group of people for 9 to 12 hours for three of some of the most monumental years of your life, it would be pretty hard not to form bonds. You see so many sides of these people, more often than family sometimes. Honestly, the cast and crew of Suite Life was such a diverse collection of people with so many different skills and experiences; I'm very excited to see where everyone goes from here.

So, moving on to the present-day, congratulations! You are starring in the show Jessie where you play the lead role as-- you guessed it-- Jessie. How are you feeling about the new show?

I'm proud- watching this artful machine with my name on it. Disbelief- that I get to come to work everyday and do what I do. Restless- always looking for some way to make it better. Anxious- can't wait to show my fans what I've been pouring my heart into for the last seven months. Developing this project was some of the most fun work I've ever done. Now that we are in production, it's not only meeting, but actually exceeding my exceptions. It already feels like a family, of such talented people. I get to tell such funny stories, on gorgeous sets, in amazing clothes, alongside talented people. What else could I possibly ask for?

Do you relate to your character at all?

Yeah, I mean, one of my favorite things about this role is that I get to play someone who was raised sort of similarly to my own upbringing. Except Jessie is a much cooler version of myself. She's sweetly strong; confident in her strength that she doesn't feel the need to try and prove it all the time. Plus, she's a funny chick. You know, we both babysat growing up and it seems to have really helped prepare us for the roles we've just found ourselves in. Jessie, as the nanny of 4 crazy kids with the world at their fingertips. Myself, at the helm of a young cast who's brand new to the sitcom world. We both grew up around the military world, and family is very important to us. Both Jessie and I have been encouraged from a young age to find our strength, and fight for the things we believe in.

All the Debby Ryan fans out there already know that singing is a huge passion for you. Do you get to do any writing or singing for this new show?

I always loved to write, and express myself through art. As I watched my brother Chase channel his passions into music, my words started to come with rhythms, and melodies. I'm most interested in the writing/producing side of music, but I can't go five minutes without singing or humming something. Plus, sometimes I write a story that I just need to tell in my voice. That's how "Open Eyes" and "Made of Matches" both were, even though they're insanely different...and Yes, I do get to work on and sing the theme song. Plus, we may or may not work some of my hobbies into the show, as well as how the cast and I have been spending our time [jam sessions!] but Disney and I have established that Jessie is not a music show.

When you work on your music, where do you look for inspiration?

I don't look for it. I couldn't. I never want to sit down with the intention of writing a song. That's when it becomes forced and contrived, and not art and expression. A lot of my writing comes from my acting; feeling what others are feeling and telling someone's story. Come to think of it, last night I wrote lyrics from the perspective of someone whose heart I've watched get broken. I see the situation as it is, why he does what he does, where it leaves him, but sometimes you need to blind yourself of the full view. When I look at him, alone by his own hand, and start to feel his cold of loneliness, trying to chase it away with unfulfilling sparks, holding too tightly and smothering the embers, and letting go the second the orange starts to fade, because it's all or nothing in his fairytale mind, and he's so afraid of being left again.. when my heart starts to break for someone, that's where I get the best songs.

Alright, so we know you're a busy girl. Moving from one TV series to another, working on your music career... assuming that you have any time to do anything extra, what do you do with your spare time? Any hobbies or interests that we might not yet know about?

Well lately, I've been obsessed with taking my kids on cast excursions. Glow in the dark mini golf, breakfast, Disneyland, etc. I go to concerts with my friends, download records, make playlists for my friends, and write about these experiences in my music blog, whoisdebbyanyway.tumblr.com.

Do you have any actresses that you look up to? Have you had the chance to talk or work with her/them?

Emma Stone, Tina Fey, Sandra Bullock, Zooey Deschanel...Growing up, I watched a lot of Amanda Bynes. There's something about a girl who can lose themselves in a role, comedy in particular, in such a ridiculous but genuine and earnest way. Smart, professional, directably, and fearless. Also, I totally see Tina Fey's business sense as a road map to my ideal career. I met Emma Stone at a premiere very briefly, and was enamored by her approachability. Some people fake it on screen. She's genuinely relatable, but still inherently cool. Zoe Saldana's that way as well. That's such a cool balance.

What's the most valuable piece of advice you've ever been given (career oriented or otherwise)?

Learn. Always listen. Ask questions. Soak it all up and use everything as a lesson and an opportunity to become better in every area. Also, learn multiple sides of your trade. I never learned certain things as an actor until I sat in the editing room on Suite Life after work, or the writer's room on hiatus, or shadowed a director during other people's scenes.

You're doing great with family-oriented shows on the Disney Channel. Are you hoping to branch into other genres?

I initially wanted to be in independent drama films, but I fell in love with multi-camera sitcom style. The older progression of what I do would be something like The Big Bang Theory or Friends. But I would like to branch into another genre of television: I watch a lot of NCIS, so something like that, or Psych or the Warehouse. That feels like a mini-film, with plenty of drama and splashes of comedy. Also, I've discovered randomly enough how much fun I have with my hosting gigs. As far as films go, ultimately, I'll be kicking butt in a fast paced action adventure.

What would be your dream role?

A sort of rogue modern-day superhero. Lara Croft, James Bond, Hit Girl, Indiana Jones' -hybrid chick. If Emma Stone's character in Zombieland had a setup like Catwoman.

Do you ever have trouble balancing your career and your personal life?

I learned early on that one of the biggest tools you need to be a successful actor is the understanding that you will have to give things up on one side to keep your priorities on the other side. I'm a person first. A daughter, sister, granddaughter, and friend first, and I have to be willing to say no to exciting or important things and keep promises to loved ones at all cost. It's all about balance, and you can never find the perfect one, but you should never ever give up trying.

Ok, you're a talented actress and singer, but let's talk about some things outside of your career!

Okay. I bake some pretty mean gluten-free brownies. ..from a mix, but still.. they're mean.

Do you have any pets?

Yes. My nugget Presley was the best 17th birthday present ever. He's a toy poodle, and totally converted me to a little dog person. I've been wanting a Siberian Husky or a lab, but I saw him and we pretty much fell in love. He's strong and tough and doesn't quite know he's a little dog, and I'm determined to keep it that way. I bought him a spiked collar, and whenever he goes anywhere, he walks or runs on his own four feet. And our family has a sweet older Yorkie named Daisy.

If you were able to be any animal, what would it be? Would you be domesticated (cared for, pet, spoiled) or wild (freedom, fighting, killing-for-your-food)?

Wolf. I'm definitely a pack animal, and I'd rather go hungry than be sustained by something canned and set in front of me.

Do you like to read in your free time?

Yes. I used to read a lot more when I was younger; now, it's more like I collect books with hopes of absorbing them through osmosis. Just began Frannie and Zooey by J.D. Salinger. Salinger's tone is so cool. I'm usually into Shakespeare and C.S. Lewis, where you do a bit more translating of words and concepts, but this book vibes conversationally offbeat. Actually, the book was a gift. On the inside cover, it explains that, with the way I use words, I'm reminiscent of a modern day Salinger.

When it comes to things outside of the acting/music industry, who do you look to for advice or guidance?

My brother, Chase. He's got a great head on his shoulders and doesn't mind telling me the things I don't want hear, in a way where I can receive them.

Let's say you're taking an astronomy class, and as you're looking through the telescope you see a star not in the book. "Wow," your teacher explains-- you've discovered a brand-spanking-new star. What will you call it?

Wow, I'm honored. Go me, with my little telescope...I'd name it 'Galadriel', or 'a UFO'. "Hey look, up there! What's that star?" "Oh, that's 'a UFO'." "NO WAY!" "yes way. Debby discovered 'a UFO', last week. She saw it with her own two eyes." "gnarrllyyyyy!"

Another scenario: The world is being torn apart by a war. It's a war between ninjas and pirates. Which side do you choose?

Ninjas. They're agile and shifty, and I use words only when necessary.

Now you've chosen your side, a regular human name just won't do... what will your alias be?

Redemption.

There are a lot of young girls in the world who feel lost-- be it about family, relationships or what they want to do with their lives. Do you have any words of advice or encouragement?

I don't think you ever fully figure yourself out, because you are always growing and changing. Own that! Find the joy in surprising yourself. Explore the world around you and finding out how you feel about what you see. Try out new hobbies, styles, foods, cultures.. see what sticks. Its natural if you don't know just yet what you stand for, but you need to know what you stand against. Have an anchor so life doesn't toss you around. It's good to have a mentor who has achieved what you want to achieve. They can help you so much and you can learn from their mistakes.

[isuckandotheressays]

PART 1 ; self-saboteur

How can you even start to talk about something like this without sounding so fucking cliché it makes your teeth hurt. Stuff is hard, like really hard, and it will be forever, and I know that. I am like, obscenely good at whining, I can whine about pretty much anything, the weather, the fact I have nothing to wear, the fact that I don’t get what I want. I'm internally spoiled, but I think everyone is really, any one that isn't is lying, what type of crazy person likes when they don’t get what they want? Unless you are ,like a masochist, which in some ways I probably am, or at least a self-saboteur.

Anyway, unimportant. More importantly, my life is currently in shambles. The love of my life won't talk to me because he's upset that I tried to kill myself. Now I'm sure from an outwards perspective that makes him sound unfeeling, a dick, but to be honest I'm the dick.  

Don’t get me wrong, I 100% wanted to die, I could not see my way out. I weighed out my options, I could hang myself from the loft bed he built for me, but I'm too tall and it wouldn’t have worked. I would slit my wrists, but then I would get heaps of blood on the 70's carpet and that would be just like, disrespectful to my housemates. So, my final thought was just to take as many of my sleeping meds as I could and just like, go to sleep. I wrote a note, in tears, obviously, I had fucking lost it.  

I individually popped out the pills and took them one by one, slowly getting more and more tired, getting less and less conscious. I kept thinking about random things, like how mad everyone is going to me if I survive this, how fucked it's going to be for Luke, how I've probably ruined his life. So I thought in my drug addled state, I should probably just like message saying I'm sorry to all my friends or whatever. Because I'm a dirt human.  

Suicide, is a really selfish thing, the most selfish thing you can do, but at that point in time, I couldn’t see my way out. I felt worthless, that the person I cared for the most in the world was never going to trust me again, that my best friends didn’t want to hang out with me because I'm so fun because I'm a useless sad lump that wines, can't even drink red wine because I become some heaps horrible bitchy cynical version of myself. That I would always disappoint my parents, because to this day, I don’t actually want to do what they want me to do and I really just want to be a starving artist and make art about how sad I am all the time.  

Anyway, I squeezed out some drama queen ass text to the people that meant the most to me, 'I'm sorry I love you' , which I meant but in hindsight as someone that wanted to die peacefully and alone in their house, is not a good move because people care about if you are dead or alive and well, got scared if they get that message out of the blue. So next minute, my dad, arrives in a cab, and I go to Emergency, and no one really takes what goes on particularly seriously and then in a bed and some doctor is making me drink some sludgy black coal shit to soak up all the medication in my stomach (side note it's been three days at this point and all that is coming out of me is like spirited away anime style sludge.  

So, I wake up and I'm going to the ward, this is like 8 at night, I did all this pill business at about Noon, and I'm sitting in the waiting room with my mum and dad who are literally at their whit's end with their nerves shot because their only child has an inability to cope with real life.

Side note, I am a productive member of society, I have job, that I mostly like and work hard at, I do a little bit of 'faffy' modeling for cash when I can, I get up I get coffee, I catch the train to school etc. Granted my mum pays my phone bill because I'm a 22 year old child that can't do real life human things. But yeah, back to the ward.

PART 2 ; repercussions

I'm sitting there waiting at the mental health ward and they literally come and give me some belongings I left there the time before. Like I'm some frequent flyer, I sort of laugh under my breath but try to stifle it because I love my parents  more than anything and I don't want to make this situation any more confusing and awful than what it is. I go to the tiny mini fridge and fish out a cheese sandwich because the stuff I took to OD makes you so fucking hungry.  

So I'm admitted, given the awkward PJ's, some hectic sedatives and put in the room with the vinyl mattress like the ones in jail I'm sure, except in the ward they give you milo and night and speak in hushed tones and take your blood pressure a lot and offer you adult colouring books.  

Then I'm in the room and I'm thinking things. The things I'm thinking are about the fact that I did not succeed in ending my life and now there are repercussions. I have to not only feel shit, I have to feel guilty because what I have done to the people who love me is so monumentally horrible and I'm a bad selfish person who is never going to be loved, etc. Then I think about if I had done it another way, if it had worked, then I fall asleep.

I'm woken up by a student nurse that looks about 15 rolling in a huge blood pressure machine. The soft voice ensues like fucking silk "so, uh, cay, do you feel safe? Do you feel like hurting yourself? Killing yourself? Feeling a bit better than yesterday?" And me, being a fucking idiot, says, "oh yeah I'm fine now, just tired you know". Because, from lots of practice, I'm a master at pretending I'm okay (I'm being sarcastic hopefully you get that and I don’t just sound like a prized IDIOT).  

Hours down the track in walk out in my gross green PJ's and look at who else in in the ward. Literally exactly what you would expect, some full grown woman with pink hair doing a puzzle of teddy bears, some 'methy' looking guy talking to himself in the room (until this point I thought this was a ward for woman only) that has a video of a waterfall on loop and an extremely greasy middle ages Asian woman being scolded for trying to sleep when she has to be awake because its day time. Nobody talks to each other, we are all sort of collectively embarrassed, no one really knows how to act, do we like smile at each other? Or do we have to prove our sadness to each other? I just keep my head down mainly until I get handed the sludgy meal that we have to eat with a spoon because u could mince yourself with a fork or knife. I recon if you really wanted you could use a spoon, I recon if you really wanted you could use anything like, it's pretty fucked up but I think about that all the time. I know pretty much all the things in a room that I could use to hurt myself.  

Like spoon? Easy, I would just either with all the force in my body, sorry for the gore, slam the not spoony part into my wrist and like , blood would Tarintino style go everywhere. I could also just like shove it down my throat and choke. I recon I could like, paper cut myself to death, that’s so morbid, oh my god, sorry.  

PART 3; insidious thing  

Fast track to now, I'm at my parent's house, with a shaved head, in the country, the love of my life won't talk to me. I'm almost certain that he's going to leave me, he's already moved out and he's basically sick of my shit. And to be honest, even though it fucking hurts, its fair enough.

Backtrack again, I worked at the pub, and everyone there just like, happened to do cocaine, so I tried cocaine, and of course, it was great but very expensive. If went from something fun to something I needed to get through a shift because I was so tired. Then I would spend all my money on it. Then the guy would show up at the bar and I would just swipe my card and take money out of the till. Like at the start it was spending my money, and then I started stealing the money.  

Now, I have a huge problem which honestly, I like being on drugs, plus being bipolar, oh yeah, but now that’s up for negotiation and could be a personality disorder or whatever. I didn’t tell anyone I was doing this, not even my partner or my friend who could have helped me. Especially, my partner. But again, dirt human remember.  

So, I was holding that secret in for ages, like was literally killing me. It was the most insidious thing ever. But I've always stuffed in and marred the truth to protect myself. When I was younger, like childhood till I was 16, I had a really hard time at making friends so I literally would just make shit up. But when I was first diagnosed and had my first break up, I worked out that, that probably wasn’t optimum to being like an alright human. So I stopped saying I was related to famous models and that I got kicked out of karate because I punched the teacher and started telling the  true story about the stress nose bleeds, of the white robes and I was related to a bunch of people that lived in Yass, as in many merinos (no offence to my family - you are all phenomenal).

PART 4; him

Forward, I hadn't told my parents this immense thing, and I was lying about what actually happened. So I told them. And, they really didn’t care. Not only what this an insane and complete surprise to me, it made me feel even worse that I have been an absolutely horrendous person to my partner.  

So now, I am petrified. I'm writing this with my newly shaved golf ball head, he's not talking to me and I'm this total wreck of self-hatred and total disarray. Because I want to be with him, I don’t want to hurt him. But I don’t know how to move forward. I don’t know how to make someone trust you again, and I sure as hell don’t think I deserve to have such a fucking angel in my life.

Like you know those classically handsome boys from teen movies, yeah think about that, but like Bowie dreamy. Big ass blue eyes, freckles, tall, absolutely killer smile. He supports my art, he's good with kids and animals, he's stupid crazy intelligent, goofy and gets my humor, that I barely get sometimes. Like I have no idea how human trash like me could have made this person fall in love with me. One time, he fucking flew overseas to see me on our anniversary because he missed me. He has written obscure punk songs about me. He also supports me immensely, which I owe my life to, on many occasions.  

To be honest, I will understand if he's over it, he could do so much better, he could like, date a  girl who is not legally insane, that would not self-harm and lie and do batshit stuff like some crazy murderer. But, I do want to get better for him. And I am trying, I've enrolled in this crazy program that the psych lady said would improve my honesty as well as make me be able to deal with real life grown up situations like an adult and not some mentally inept baby thing. I am trying. Shaving my hair was a thing for me. I needed a physical change to put stuff in motion. I'm in motion now. And I hope that he sees that, but I understand, I truly I am the worst.

Skip forward to two weeks later, we ended it, I broke it I really did. But that okay, because you have to have a red hot go at being by yourself. I am weirdly happy, elated even, I feel like ive got myself back. Its crazy that you don’t even notice how much you have lost yourself until your alone, the cracks in what seemed like a perfect relationship start to show. Not to throw shade, but I think that I embarrassed him sometimes and tried to hard to act cool. And to be honest, I recon I am pretty fucking cool. I bent myself to fit around him, even my aspirations, even my work even my internet presence. He never let me 'vlog' he thought it was lame, seems like such a teeny thing but I full want to vlog. I want to talk into the abyss that in Instagram, hear an echo or not.  

I guess its all a learning curb really, you got to lose what you think you want to get what you need. I could 'smiths' along and ask to 'please please, please, let me let me let me, get what I want this time' but right now, I'm still working out what that is. It's pretty flippin' great.

[exileancestrysearcher]

Mauthausen, The Idyllic Hell

I’m not done reporting on the earlier part of my trip but I was at Mauthausen Concentration Camp today and wanted to get my thoughts down. I left my Linz hotel early this morning and took the tram to the central train station. It took less than an hour to travel east to the small town of Mauthausen, which is appallingly better known in the region today for having the only McDonald’s in the area (drive-through, in case you were wondering). The town streets, houses and yards are orderly, even picturesque in some cases, and signs boast of the superb local cuisine.

A taxi took me the 5 km up to the camp itself. The main gate and several other buildings, including some of the barracks, remain intact. The ‘Mauthausen Bistro’ serves small meals and snacks near the information centre and bookshop. 

What was most striking and incongruous about the camp, particularly on a sunny and warm spring day, was how beautiful the camp’s surroundings were. Alps are visible in the distance, as are the rolling hills of the long belt of farm country that encircles the camp. One can see trees, flowers and agricultural fields just beyond the walls and barbed wire. In another universe, Mauthausen would have been an idyllic rural retreat. 

My guide for the day, an earnest and intelligent young man named Daniel, met me at the bookshop and we began a private tour that is reserved for family members of camp inmates.

Daniel explained the layout of the camp, showing me before and after pictures, and we discussed what I knew from my mother and the correspondence she had received since 1965 about her father, from the Red Cross and the Mauthausen Archive, which has been maintained for many decades now in Vienna.I had written to the Archive months ago but they claimed there were no files in their possession about my mother’s father. Daniel said he had encountered this before and believed the relevant documents were still stored somewhere but had likely been forgotten due to staff turnover throughout the years.

What we do know about my maternal grandfather is that he was a ‘Red’ Cossack who was a communist and a Soviet Army Officer. He was captured almost right away after the Germans invaded the USSR on June 22, 1941. We do not know his fate in the intervening years but eventually he ended up at Mauthausen. Daniel explained that Soviet officers, especially political ones, were sent to camps within the German Reich itself, lest they become agitators in the camps farther east, in what is today Poland. 

He died a few weeks after liberation in 1945, under the care of the 131st American Evacuation Hospital. He was no doubt as thoroughly emaciated and prone to illness as many of his comrades were. Even before liberation, he had likely been moved to the ‘sick’ part of the camp, which was next to the soccer field that I could see from the main camp above.

That field, I must mention, hosted an SS team that played games against other Upper Austria squads. Visiting teams and spectators would have seen barely surviving prisoners just metres beyond one of the goalposts, in the barracks and tents where hundreds if not thousands were kept during the later years of the war. In fact, the ground levelling necessary for both the soccer field and the sick area had been done by Soviet soldier prisoners and others in 1941. This was work that was as difficult as that being done in the stone quarries just beneath the main camp, where inmates carried slabs of stone on their backs to where they could be transported elsewhere. Even today, some Vienna streets remain paved by the products of forced labour, just as some of the surrounding villas in Mauthausen do.

How else can we tell what the local population knew from early on? Among them were noise complaints lodged by farmers about noises of shooting prisoners and one woman (whose farm still stands today) saying already in 1941 that she had seen atrocities at the quarry below and it was harmful to her health to have that kind of activity around her. The SS ignored her complaint but moved executions by shooting to underground cellars eventually. Many of the locals also enthusiastically joined in on the so-called ‘rabbit hunt’ to kill and/or retrieve 200 Soviet prisoners who escaped in early 1945. They would have seen the condition of the escapees, and no one forced the locals’ participation, but they did it anyway.

Daniel was very open about Austrian attitudes today towards the camps. His older relatives felt he was shaming them by becoming a guide at Mauthausen. And had it been up to the Austrians in the first few decades of the war, there would have been no memorial at all. Nearby Gusen, for example, the site of a related camp, has a small memorial in a quiet space behind a housing development that was built over the camp - in fact, the main residential street runs exactly along the lines of the road running between the barracks that existed prior to liberation. In a disturbing piece of maintenance of period architecture, the former gate to the Gusen camp, which resembles the gate in Mauthausen, has been worked into a massive private villa.

It was only because the Soviet occupiers of that part of Austria insisted on a memorial that parts of the main Mauthausen camp were preserved. The camp was part of an industrial and killing complex that ran the length and breadth of Austria, even though some today try to pretend the camp was an isolated instance and people couldn’t have possibly known what was going on there.

On a positive note, high school students today (as with other camps I visited, no one under 14 is permitted entry) visit Mauthausen, and Daniel has led tours of some of the children living in that housing development in Gusen to provide them an alternative perspective on their homes. 

The American liberators made local Nazi officials bury the dead properly in the soccer field in 1945. There the remains stayed until Austria became independent again in 1955, when remains were transferred to mass graves inside and next to the camp and at Gusen. It is either in those graves or at the base of a Soviet monument in the camp (where the remains of 150 Soviet soldiers are buried) that my grandfather is buried. We’ll almost certainly never know where for sure.

Daniel was kind enough to take me all the way back to Linz, where he went to visit his mother. I spent the afternoon in Salzburg, trying to put aside for a few hours what I had witnessed earlier in the day.