#almostt out of time to post this one

[martellspear]

Martell Week - Rhaenys' day

[ohdannyboyarts]

Stop blowing up the world with my post? Why? How people listen to an everyday guy anyways? Who cares? Social media is a place where anyone can express themselves. Tell a story. Share themselves. Vent.

I have something inside me that burns, all the time. It sounds corny I know, but there it is. Call it passion, or selfishness, or longing or loneliness or any of the labels put on feelings; Manipulation. Toxic. Co-dependent. OR; Perfect. A dream come true. My other half. Why is it always the two extremes? There is never a middle anymore. No one talks about the struggle, the needing space, the patience. What happened to two people building something to last. Its either a perfect relationship, with perfect expectations of the other person, or nothing at all. Because we are better than that right? We deserve the very best...right? But two people can only become the best for each other with time. And patience. And compromise.

Because that is what a relationship needs. Compromise. Communication. Unshakable love. And yeah, space. (Which was, and still sometimes is, the hardest one for me. But hey, I acknowledge and am working lol).

Even though I strive to be a better man, in all ways, I stumble too. I'm not perfect. And if that is what anyone expects of me then I am sure to disappoint. But damnit I love hard. And I dont quit. And I feel things too. I am not always a rock and I do fall down. We all do. Its part of the process. Is how we learn. But should we break? Do I deserve to lose the only people I love more than myself? Because I am a selfish human being who craves love and affection too. And I have a story that is unique to myself as well. And really, if every person I have loved, from childhood till now, has left me, ghosted. Snap. Gone. No real answers. It's hard to cope with. And becomes harder as I get older...almost makes less sense the more a d more I think.... Ive struggled with sobriety and relationships and smoking and self destruction and holy fuck, if I could take all the adults that created me and put them in a room and...just yeah. So yeah, I'm screaming and yelling the only fucking way I can.

I feel foolish. As if I sold my own self a dream. And I ate it up. And she let me. Let me worship her. Adore her. Eat her in. Breathe her. Knowing each of my mental and emotional issues, sometimes figuring it out herself with those stunning brains. Watching and giving advice as I worked through therapy. Reassuring me. Inspiring me. Giving me exactly the thing to keep me coming back like the addict I was, affection. And love. A place where I belonged. Where healing was real and possible. And just like the human I am, I didnt look at EVERYTHING she did. Only the things I wanted to see. Or chose to see. At that time. Almost subconsciously. She needed space, and I craved the high of being with her. And I didnt understand how in order to show me the incredible love she showed, she needed to alone for a little while to process and relax and accomplish the things in life she wants, the things she so selflessly sacrificed to give me her time and her love. And like a damn fool I connected it all with the past and in swarmed my issues with abandonment and my parents and all my other shit. I was so selfish. And shitty. And did not at all have a grip on the reality of it all.

What sucks is I think that everyone learns this kind of lesson. Somewhere along the way. I missed out on life. Ive spent more time in prison in the last 10 years that I have free. Almostt my entire 20s. So I'm a little behind on the struggle to understand how relationships with normal people work. But I'm trying to get there. If everyone, especially those I love and that love me, continue to give up on me then how the fuck am I gonna learn? I'm thirty fucking years old already. Ive missed so much life. So much of my kids' lives. I'm trying to find my place in the world. And be happy with myself, instead of the anger and self hate that I was brought up on. I'm just trying to do right, and mistakes are not intentional. Especially when rooted in childhood issues. Anyways, I dunno. At this point I'm all vented out.

Just...dont give up on me. I haven't. And I have so much love to give you. And a filthy mind to play with. And I'm so fucking yours.