#also I wish they actually had some students from different cliques hanging out that would’ve been so cool

[olympeparpaing]

Would you play this stoner anime version of Bully?

Also some doodles to go with this

[mrs-i-have-too-many-biases]

Bang Chan// Sun and Moon (-light)// Chapter seven

Summary: Sun and Moon, different from another, but both unmissable in the world. The sun is warm, it provides daylight. It represents life, strength and growth. The moon, the brightest and largest object in our night sky. It makes the earth more liveable and represents admiration, change, mystery and feelings. The sun is untouchable and unreachable, but what if his ,independent, sun(-shine) becomes his world? Tropes: Enemies to Lovers Season: Spring Pairing: Bang Chan X Reader (ft. Seo Changbin) AU: | Delinquent!Female Reader | Vice President!Bang Chan | School!AU | Non!Idol AU | Genre: Fluff/ HEAVY Angst Word Count: 8,9K Warnings: HEAVY Themes of bullying, death threats, Themes of Abuse, swearing, insults, Anxiety, Depression, Suicidal thoughts, Self-hatred Requested: Yes, (Reference) A/n: For the sake of the fiction, Chan is a twat in the story (his mother is very unpleasant in the story/this chapter), but only for imagines/ fiction purposes only. We all know better than that. I have mentioned his real-life sibling’s names in this chapter/story. Please remember to not harass them.

Y/n was a little out of breath and her body hurt slightly as she entered Chan’s room. She sat down with a sigh, trying to take the situation in. “I’m so sorry I told my parents like that-“ “It’s okay, it probably will clear up some thing to them.” Y/n muttered as she made herself comfortable on his bed.

“I’m sorry for their behaviour, from before and about today.” “It’s okay, you know if you want me to go, I can go right now. I don’t want there to be a conflict between your parents and you because of me.” “There isn’t, really. Well at least not anymore. I just want them to see that you’re so much more than tattoos and a so called ‘delinquent image’.” Chan stressed as he sat down next to her. “Besides, you’re not leaving. I don’t trust you outside, especially not with all those fractures. God knows what you would be up to, going to work I bet and get back to working out. You need to get some rest and let me and the others help you.” He added. “You know that I’d be fine just on my own, don’t you Chan?” She said with a small smile. “I know, and that’s why I want to help you this time.”

Y/n was about to continue arguing against Chan, but something else seemed to catch her attention. Chan turned slowly around to see what she was looking at and noticed the pictures he had put up of them together. He immediately started to stutter out gibberish and frantically tried to hide them from Y/n sight, causing her to laugh at his flustered state.

“Oh my- It’s not what you think! I- fuck!” Chan stressed as he tried to slam the pictures off the shelves I panic, but he was quickly stopped by Y/n who held him by the arm as she laughed. “It’s fine, I’m just surprised. I’ve never seen those before?” She wondered with a smug look on her face. “I-I certainly do not hide them whenever you would’ve come over- what no?” He stuttered, making her burst out in laughter yet again. “You’re cute Channie.” She said with a smile, not admitting that she had pictures printed out of them together as well.

The two were interrupted hours later by Chan’s father who peeped his head through the doorway. “Dinner’s ready.” He announced, before disappearing again. Chan and Y/n quickly following behind.

Chan noticed the nervous look on Y/n face. He held her by the waist in a swift move, hugging her in a comforting way, her heart beating loudly at the sudden action. The whole family sat together, and Y/n couldn’t deny it, but it was awkward as hell. “Y/n, my husband and I want to apologise to you.” Chan’s mother voiced, breaking the silence finally. “We’ve acted needlessly rude to you and we truly regret out immature actions. I hope you can find a way to forgive us?”

“It’s okay Misses Bang. I know that you only want the best for you son. I understand and I respect that. It’s also that I’m quite used to being judged already. Especially since people don’t know my background story...” And so Y/n told the Bang family everything.

They were shocked and saddened to hear the words leaving her mouth. It all sounded like a terrible nightmare. But that terrible nightmare was her actual life, or at least was up to that day when Chan found her.

“I can’t thank him enough for finding me, I wouldn’t know what would’ve happened to me if he would’ve been later or not there at all.” Y/n muttered in a sad voice. “Let’s be glad that didn’t happen and celebrate that you’re still here with us. And Y/n, we are once again terribly sorry. We will try our best to make it up to you.” Chan’s father states with a kind smile, making her smile back.

A warm feeling was filling her body, a loving sense of family had returned to her. Something that had been long for too long.

“Chan really, I can carry my books myself.” Y/n whined as she stepped out of the car with Chan, chasing him as he carried two heavy bookbags in his arms. “No, the doctor told us crystal clear that you need someone to help you carry things. Your stiches could rip open if you aren’t careful.” Chan states seriously. She let out a whine before she followed him to the building.

The pair received lots of looks from other students. Bang Chan, the popular vice president hanging out with the delinquent, again? People just couldn’t seem to wrap their heads around it. They also couldn’t seem to keep their butts out of other people’s business. Minho had met up with Chan and Y/n in front of the school, where he had already complained about how many people had already run up to him, asking what the deal was between Chan and Y/n, because a poor student was thinking about confessing her love to Chan this week.

“Poor girl.” Y/n muttered. “I know right, Chan has always been ‘smothered’ with confessions, yet he never accepted one.” Minho had informed before getting a notebook thrown to his face in middle of class by Chan who sat right in front of him. Jisung laughed loudly, Y/n did as well as she watched the three from her usual spot in the back.

Sooyun just happened to walk into the room at the wrong, yet best, time. She was about to sit next to Chan, where she usually sat, but to her surprise he stood up.

“You two are annoying, I’m going to sit with Y/n, at least she’s nice to be around with.” He playfully huffs to Minho and Jisung before seating himself in the back.

Sooyun watched his movements like a hawk eyeing its prey. She was about to protest and get him sit back next to her, but Jisung had grabbed her by the hand and pulled her down to her seat, stopping her from doing so. She huffs and turns herself away from them. Her ears caught the sound of Y/n and Chan laughing together in the back of the classroom, talking about whatever. Jealousy rose back into her body as she clenched her fists in anger. She had to do something about this, but what?

Days at school went by and to Y/n’s surprise, people had started to feel for her. She didn’t know why. She had told her story to the principal, explaining why she often skipped school and why she missed classes the past few weeks. There was a promise that her story wouldn’t be made public among the students of other teachers, for Y/n’s privacy and safety purposes.

Eventually Y/n figured that the fellow students were probably nice to her, because Chan and his whole clique were. So, she must’ve become ‘okay’ in their eyes.

There still were a few rotten apples to be found in between the others. They made Y/n out to be a clout chaser, that she wanted popularity or something like’s Chan’s status, his money. People had become quite creative and even said that she apparently wanted to become Chan so she could live a life where people actually liked her.

Y/n ignored the comments and never said anything about them. Especially since she believed that Chan had neve heard them, yet he did. He would look to his side as the whispers kept on going. She smiled at him and shot him a wink, a sign that she was okay. He wondered how she did it. How she handled with such people. It broke his heart to think that she used him. He knew she didn’t.

He wished they would had made an agreement, whenever she would argue that she could just go and stop bothering him, he would receive a thousand won from her. Chan would’ve been even richer by now if that was the deal.

In the meantime Chan wasn’t the only one who kept staring at Y/n, wondering how she did it. Sooyun could’ve been a character in Shrek by now, the green toxic tinting her from jealousy. She had enough of it. Y/n’s sudden gain of popularity, Chan’s attention and everything else she had been working years on to achieve. And here Y/n was, snatching it all away from her within days.

And so, suddenly. Y/n’s life turned upside down, once again. Y/n would walk into the school one day and receive the old nasty stares from everyone again. People bumped into her intentionally, making her hiss in pain, her body still not being completely healed. Chan yelled after them, the quickly asking if she was okay. “I’m fine.” She would mutter back. When they entered the room, a bunch of girls would pull Chan away from Y/n, leaving the both stunned. “What are you doing? Get off me.” Chan glared as he tried to shake the girls’ hands off. “Chan, you need to stay away from her.” “She’s not who you think she is.” The other cried out as they continued to pull them further away from Y/n.

“What are you talking about?” Y/n sighed as she crossed her arms, still in pain. “Don’t act so innocent bitch. You know fully well what you did.” A girl said as she shoved her phone in Y/n’s face. There was a news video playing on her screen. The colour seemed to leave Y/n’s skin as she watched how a journalist talked about her life, her story with her father. She was exposed, but something wasn’t right.

‘… we’re informed from a secured source, that y/l/n, a y/age girl, has drinking problems, abused her father and even thrown him in rehab when she should’ve been the one needing detoxifying…’

“They changed the story. That’s not true-“ Y/n was cut off by the pictures she was shown, also shown in the video that was still playing. They were pictures of her father, bruises all over his body and passed out on the ground. Y/n had seen her father drunk plenty of times, when he was drunk, he could easily hurt himself. She remembered that day, but she just couldn’t figure out how that picture was taken.

“How did this happen.” Y/n murmured to herself in shock. “Just admit it, your true colours are out. We’ve always known that you were nothing but a dense delinquent.” The girl spat, a sly smirk following next. “You know nothing.” Y/n snarled back, stepping closer to the girl. “What were you going to do? Hit me? I think it would be a great addition to your abuse-story, make people hate you more than they already do.” The same girl snarled, a witch-like laugh following.

Y/n turned to Chan in panic, but he was still struggling to get the girls off him.

As soon as Y/n had stepped out of the classroom she was once again swarmed by girls who were ready to protect Chan from her.

Their filth were getting to her head and the boys eventually came into the picture to defend her, but no one seemed to believe them or her. “She must’ve been lying to all of you, it’s all over the news. Every drama channel is talking about it as well.” “This is absurd, you believe those rumours, but not the person who the story is actually about?” “Why should we believe her lies? She’s dysfunctional, she always has been. Besides Sooyun told us that Chan told her himself.”

The words made Y/n’s head take a toll. “He did what now?” Y/n hissed anger firing up her heart. “Oh, please. Don’t pretend you didn’t know. You probably did all of this to get attention, didn’t you? To get Chan to like you and his little friends, well believe us it didn’t work. It’s for the best that Chan has put you back in your place, you’re an awful human being, you shouldn’t be allowed to walk around on earth. You’re not even fucking worthy to be breathing the same air as us-“ Y/n quickly pushed the girls aside when Sooyun was locked into her vision. “You! What the fuck did you do!” Y/n yelled as she stormed her way to Sooyun. “I didn’t do anything.” She said with a wicked smile. Y/n was holding back her tears as she wanted to rip that devilish smile off her face.

Felix would try to calm Y/n down, but he couldn’t stop her from talking as she yelled at Sooyun. “Y/n, sweetheart, here you are blaming me, but aren’t you the one who told Chan everything? He’s the one who gave me the information. How else would people know. You sure as hell didn’t tell me in person.” Sooyun states, which sets Y/n to think. It couldn’t have been Changbin, he didn’t know Sooyun. She didn’t tell Felix, Minho and Jisung anything with deep detail, yet Chan knew everything about her. There were even pictures taken of her passed out father. It seemed too bad to be true. It couldn’t be, right?

To Chan’s inconvenience, he walked right into the conversation at the wrong time. He looked at the two girls in confusion as he was stared at by the both. “Chan, did you…” Y/n couldn’t seem to get the words past her throat, but Sooyun seemed glad to steal the words from her mouth. “Chan, you were the cause of all of this, weren’t you?” Sooyun states, making him shot his head towards her in shock and confusion. “N-no, what are you talking about- Y/n I would never-“ “How do people know about all of this then? It’s told into detail, things I haven’t even told Changbin were exposed in that fucking clip. Explain that! I can’t believe this-“ Y/n cried out in frustration, feeling stupid for ever trusting him at all. “I should’ve known better.” “I’m sorry to say this Y/n, but Chan never seemed to actually care about you.” Sooyun snarled.

“Haven’t you said enough.” Y/n hissed to the girl in front of her. “I’m just saying, Chan never stood up for you whenever someone talked trash about you. We went on dates together and the things he said about you weren’t pretty-“ “Hold on- I never said anything-“ “But you never argued against them either, if you really cared about that poor girl, you would’ve defended her, wouldn’t you?” She said, trying to hold back a smirk as everything seemed to go just as she wished. “Y/n, please, don’t believe her.” Chan begged. “No, she’s right. Months ago, you wouldn’t even look at me, why would you now. I can’t believe how foolish I am to believe you.” Y/n sighed, she felt betrayed and just couldn’t look him in the eye right now.

She quickened her pace and ran out of the building, Chan was about to follow her, wanting to set things right, because this sure as hell wasn’t. He was held back by the same girls, who tried to make him seem that she wasn’t worth it and whatever filth they were trying to fill his mind with.

Y/n had been running for over thirty minutes by now, her hood covering her face as she made her way across the city. Her bones hurt, her arms felt like they were being ripped open as she rushed through the crowd, bumping into people constantly and receiving dirty looks from them as she ran past them.

She didn’t know if it was because they might had seen the video, or if they already knew her by her old reputation. Y/n finally made it to the parlour and stormed inside, completely ignoring Hyunjin who looked at her shocked when he saw he walk in. “Y/n, where’s Chan? Shouldn’t you be at school- what’s wrong? Are you crying- Y/n!” He called after her as paced to Changbin’s wing of the parlour. He jumped in surprise when he heart the curtains being ripped open. The smile on his face quickly dropped when he saw Y/n’s broken state and he rushed to her side to hold her close but carefully.

Her body being like glass to him that had been shattered too many times, put back together and on the edge of being broken again.

“…I never should’ve trusted him.” Changbin understood in-between the sobs that came from Y/n. “Who? Who hurt you? What’s going on? Why aren’t you with Chan? What happened?” Changbin had held Y/n face into his hands as she kept on crying, the tears rolling over his tattooed hands. Y/n murmured in-between her cries the explanation of what happened at school earlier.

Changbin was furious, he was planning of giving Chan a piece of his mind, he didn’t care that he was at school or at home, this was just sick. But for now, he needed Y/n to calm down. He felt her heart racing through her chest as he held her close. He sat her down and hugged her as she rubbed her back. The pain she must be feeling right now were probably unbearable, so he sussed her to sleep and asked Hyunjin to keep an eye on her as he went out to look for Chan.

Changbin didn’t had to look for long to find Chan as he was at home. Changbin rather punched the door than knocked, before the door swung open. “Bin! I’m so glad you’re here! I can’t find Y/n, I’ve looked everywhere-“ Chan was cut off by a punch that was thrown to his jaw and he stumbled back into his apartment. Changbin followed him in and grabbed him by the collar before throwing another punch to his ‘friend’s’ face. “What was that for!” “Who the fuck do you think you are Bang Chan! What is your bloody deal?” Changbin yelled as he shook Chan in anger, still holding him by the collar. “She went to you, didn’t she?” Chan asked, feeling slightly relieved.

“She did, and I’m glad she did. She came to me crying after all this time. Do you know when the last time was when I saw her cry?” Changbin snarled. “Never, because I don’t make her cry Bang.” “Listen! It’s not what you think! I’m being set up!” Chan cried out. “Sure you are, is this why you want Y/n to be with you these past few weeks. You never like her anyway. Y/n always complained about this vice president who just couldn’t stop harassing her with harsh words and nasty looks. Why should I believe you? I bet you wanted to ruin her all along-“ “I never- no, no! That’s not true!” Chan yelled.

“There’s no reason why I should believe you over the girl who has come crying to me, spilling her heart out on how everyone hates her again.” The fight went on for longer, they exchanged punches and eventually they were panting as they stood in front of each other again, yelling at one another with a black eye and bleeding lips.

“And who the fuck do you think you are! You act like you’re the only who cares about her!” Chan yells. “Well I do care about! I actually do and I show it! I have her trust unlike you!” “What do you think you’re her boyfriend or something?” Chan yelled. “Why do you care? Are you in love with her or something?” Changbin snarled back, leaving Chan stunned in silence.

The silence said enough for Changbin to figure out how it is. “What, you think you can fucking do this and confess your love to her right after-“ “I told you already that I’m being set up!” Chan yells in anger. “Sure buddy, at least she trusts me. You know she does. She comes back running to me every time you mess up. And how many times have that been by now?”

Chan was still panting, but he didn’t know what else to say. He messed up a lot. He wanted to make everything right, but this just made everything worse than it should be, he didn’t understand how this all happened anyway. His mind was blurry and he was confused, because he had his priorities set on Y/n.

“Changbin please-“ “Do you really think I will bring you to her? To break her heart once again after you had your way with it. To ‘confess’ to her and play games with her mind again. I thought not so, buddy.” “Changbin please, I do-“ “I bet I could confess to her right now and she would be with me. I’ve been her friend for the longest time, my parents already thought it would be time for us to step it up. People already think we’re a couple, why not put the title on our relationship?” Changbin snarled.

“Maybe, I should just confess my love to her.” Changbin added as he almost threatened Chan.

Chan felt his heart break and he dropped down on his knees. The tears were flowing down his cheeks and soon past his fingers as he hid his face in his hands. “Bin, please. I love her so much. My heart is in constant pain because of her. Not because she hurts me, but because she has been so good to me. She’s so different, so special. I-I don’t know how to describe it. She’s breath-taking, she’s so much more I could ever wish for in someone. My parents want me to be with a snob rich kid, who only cares about her reputation and the numbers on her bank account. They want me to think about my status and push my feelings aside. I can’t help it Bin, I love her. I love her so much. The past month I’ve felt so free with her. She has no expectations for me, she doesn’t expect me to pay for everything. She always fought me whenever I did, she’d argue with me that she could buy things herself, because ‘she’s an independent woman’.” Chan chuckles as he leaned back on the couch behind him.

“My parents don’t like her, because they can’t see past her appearance. It’s sad. They don’t experience, they don’t see the beauty that she carries. She’s so kind, she’s funny, she makes my heart race and make me do dumb things. Like, skipping school to go on a trip. I have to say that it was the best day of my life, that’s for sure. I’m just an idiot for being such a fool.” Chan cried out.  

Changbin sighed as well and sat down next to Chan. “I had a feeling you might’ve been in love with her.” Changbin admitted. Chan looked surprised to his side and eyed Changbin, who ended up bursting into laughter. “If you keep asking about her, then you aren’t playing it off to well mate.” Changbin chuckled, causing Chan to blush.

“Let me tell you another thing about Y/n. You’ve got to know her well up until now and apparently you did a pretty good job doing it since she opened up to you. If you want her to like you, the way you like her. Just be there for her and support her through her hardships.” Changbin’s words causes Chan to burst out in tears again. “I tried! But I keep messing up. I fucked up so many times, where I knew I should’ve been there for her or should’ve stood up for her, but I didn’t.” Chan cried out.

Changbin sighed and got back on his feet. He offered his friend a hand and Chan smiled as he took it. A couple minutes later, they were cleaning their wounds and kept talking together. “Chan, how did you end up in this mess?” Changbin asked softly. “I don’t know man, first thing I know is that I was smiling and laughing with Y/n, then next thing I know. I’m being ripped away from her by some other kids and following that, Y/n running away from the scene.” Chan sighed. “Y/n is really worn off, she ran all the way from school to my parlour. Eyes red from crying and in a lot of pain, I thought her wounds weren’t healed yet.” Changbin states. “They aren’t.” Chan cried out in frustration, guilt and sadness taking over his body.

The boys were interrupted by Changbin’s phone, Hyunjin had texted him. Saying that he had brough Y/n to Changbin’s apartment due to her request.

Chan read along with Changbin and was glad that Y/n was safe.

Changbin sighed once again after pulling his hoodie back over his head, done with cleaning his wounds. “You need to fix this, I don’t know how or where to start, but you need to.” Changbin states. “I know.” Chan let out a whimper, feeling like crying again. “Hey, it will be alright. I’ll make sure she’s okay and I’ll help you figure this out.” Changbin promises. “Really? Aren’t you mad at me?” “I am still a little fired up, but something isn’t right. I can feel it. Besides, I can tell you truly feel for her, I appreciate that you opened up to me.” Changbin voiced in honesty. “So, you aren’t going to…” “No, I’m not going to confess. I was just furious in the moment. I’m sorry.” “No, I am. Thank you Bin.”

When Changbin arrived home, he went to look for Y/n. He panicked a little when he didn’t find her in her room. He ran to his own room, only to find Y/n sound asleep on his bed, Gyu tightly wrapped in her arms. He sighed in relieve and went to lay next to her.

A couple days later, Chan went out for a walk. His jaw still hurt from the punch, he well deservingly, got from Changbin the other day. It was already late and it started to get dark outside. Chan mindlessly revisited the spot where he and Y/n had their first ‘date’ together.

Memories flashed beyond his eyes as he saw the exact spot where they took pictures together. He couldn’t help but smile to himself as he remembered the way she laughed at his lame jokes, how she lit up when she ate his food and enjoyed each other’s company. He remembered holding her in his arms as they danced slowly in the middle of the park, not giving a damn if someone was watching.

His pleasant revisits of memories were cut off by the slurs of a drunken man who wandered around the park. Chan ignored the man, not wanting to be involved into any type of trouble. Unfortunately, the man thought otherwise.

He started to yell and shout around and eventually his eyes caught Chan and decided to stumble his way, rather quick, towards him. Chan noticed the bottle of liquor and a piece of paper in the man’s hand as he caught up to Chan. “You,” the man started. Chan wanted to gag by the disgusting smell of alcohol filling his sense that came from the man. “You look familiar kid.” The man slurred. “I’m sorry sir, I have no idea who you are.” Chan said quickly whilst his eyes looked for someone to help him, but no one seemed to be out at this hour.

“You! You’re this kid!” The man slurred out loudly as he waved a paper, which seemed like a picture, into Chan’s face. Chan’s heart dropped when he recognised the picture. It was a picture of him and Y/n from their first date. “Y-you’re Y/n’s father-“ “I sure as hell am! And you are the piece of shit who brought me into that hell hole! Taking my daughter away from me and daring to involve into our businesses!” The man screamed as he dropped the paper and filling his hand with the collar of Chan’s jacket.

“Sir, please I don’t want any trouble.” Chan begged. “Too bad buddy. You shouldn’t have interfered into our business. You should’ve left your stuck-up ass in one of your little penthouses.” Chan to get away from the man, before anything bad could happen. But Y/n’s father’s grip seemed to be stronger than he thought. “Sir, please let me go-“ “Nah, I have to show this rich city boy what the consequences are like when you ruin my life.”

Chan closed his eyes shut and prepared himself for what was coming, only remembering a piercing pain and darkness taking over him.

“Y/n, Y/n wake up.” Changbin yelled in a whisper as he shook her awake. She groaned in annoyance and pushed him off. “Just five more hours.” Y/n groaned as she hid her head under her pillow. “Y/n it’s an emergency, Chan’s in the hospital.” The words made Y/n shot up. She felt confused, because she didn’t know how to feel about him at the moment, but something inside of her told her to go. “Put on a hoodie and let’s go.”

Y/n and Changbin arrived at the hospital, only to see Chan’s parents and siblings in their pyjama’s as they waited nervously. Chan’s mother was hysterically crying, Lucas and Hannah were tiredly sitting back in their seat, pacing back and forth in anxiousness.

Y/n made eye contact with the mother who immediately pointed violently to her as she started to cry out to her. “You! This is your fault! You’re the reason he’s in the hospital isn’t it?” She yelled as she was being held back by her husband, who quickly argued against his wife alongside the kids. “Honey, this isn’t her fault. The doctor said Chan was attacked by a drunk man.” “D-do you perhaps know what he looked like?” Y/n asked carefully. “No, but he’s send back to rehab, apparently he escaped somehow.” Chan’s father explained, causing Y/n to stumble back. “Y/n, you don’t think that your…” Changbin whispered, not daring to finish his sentence. “I-I hope not. If he has found Chan, he could find me-“ “I wouldn’t let that happen Dumpling, you know that. You’re safe with me.” Changbin assured as he hugged her, whilst they all waited for the results from the doctor.

Which finally came in after forty minutes of waiting. Hannah and Lucas had fallen asleep, too tired from waiting since it was quite late already. “…your son will be fine mister and misses Bang. I do have to inform that he apparently has been hit by a glass bottle and is unconscious right now. We don’t know when he will wake up, but we are sure to keep a close eye on him. You can see him now, direct family first please.”

Y/n could hear the worried cries from his parents coming from the room as she and Changbin still waited. Changbin voiced that he felt guilty for beating his friend up. Y/n admitted that she didn’t know yet how to feel about Chan yet. If she even wanted to be there, especially after what Chan did to her. “Y/n, I understand that you have hard feeling towards him right now, but do consider that there is something wrong. Something just doesn’t add up.” Changbin states, setting Y/n to thinking.

Days had passed and Chan still hadn’t awakened from his unconscious state. She had seen how hard it had been for his parents and she truly hoped that Chan would wake up soon. Y/n also had been thinking about what Changbin had told her the other day, but it just makes her even more confused than that she already was.

‘He’s so nice, he has been for the past months, why would he do this?’ She questioned herself as she walked towards the hospital, wanting to visit Chan. ‘Chan hasn’t always been nice to me though, why would he become nice to me all of the sudden? Was it an act since he was forced to tutor me? Or did he actually mean everything he said- this better not be a fucking bet or I will throw him back into his hospital bed as soon as he’s able to leave it.’ Y/n growled in her mind as she now stomped her way to the hospital.

“Y/n, calm down. There must be something going on, like Binnie said.” She said to herself, before she took a deep breath and entered the building.

When Y/n arrived at Chan’s room, she wasn’t surprised to see his mother there. She had been staying there for the past couple days, not wanting to leave her oldest son alone, especially at a time of vulnerability. She shot Y/n a side eye when she entered the room.

“Hello misses Bang.” She said politely as she bowed for her. “Y/n.” She sighed as she focused on her son again. Y/n looked at the monitor that kept track of his heartbeats, which seemed mostly steady. “How is he doing?” Y/n tried to ask, but not receiving an answer from the woman in front of her.

Chan’s mother would sigh after a period of silence and turn herself to Y/n with a serious look on her face. “Don’t you think you’ve done enough.” She sighed, causing Y/n to become angry. “I’m sorry, but I’m tired of this. With all the respect, but you keep pretending as if this is all my fault, when you sure as hell know that it is not.” Y/n snapped. “If my son never interfered with you and your issues, none of this would’ve ever happened.” She cried out in frustration. “First of all, Chan and I were both forced together by our principal who made him tutor me. And besides that, don’t you think I know that. Because my drunken dad had to escape and somehow find Chan, he’s hurt. Don’t you think that I think this is all because of me? If you don’t you are pretty dense.” Y/n snarled.

“I think it’s time for you to leave.” His mother said calmly as she took her son’s hand into hers. “Fine, I’ll go. But I just want to make sure that you know that, Chan means a lot to me. You’ve raised one hell of a son. He’s absolutely amazing. He’s sweet, caring, charming and humble. You re lucky to have a son like him. I know you don’t like me ma’am, I’m aware of it, but I love that guy. So much. I don’t even know what to do with my feelings since I know you would never accept me and my ‘issues’. Everything I’ve told you and your family is true ma’am and Chan helped me through a lot of them. And I love him for that, more that you could ever know.” Y/n said as tears stream down her face. Both of their faces turned to the monitor when Chan’s heart skipped a beat, before Y/n continued to rant.

“I know I’m not perfect and that I never will be, that’s why I respect your request and I’ll leave as soon as I’m done ranting, but just know this ma’am. There’s much more to me than the tattoos and old stories that belongs with my past. He was focused on who I am today and saw good in me. Something not a lot of people notice in me.”

Chan’s mother looked at Y/n stunned and surprised. She would’ve never guessed such meaningful words coming out of Y/n’s mouth. She gulped loudly and tried not to show how Y/n’s words had moved her to tears.

“I’ll get going then, goodbye ma’am.” Y/n whispered, before she bowed and left. Her heart aching as she just admitted to someone other than herself, her feelings for Chan.

During her rant the two women didn’t know Chan could hear everything the two said. He felt like he couldn’t move, his body was numb and uncontrollable. His heart sped up in panic when he heart her leaving.

Before she exited the room, he could make out a whisper. “No… stay…” His mother, who was now alone with him again in the room, shot her attention to her son, who also managed to squeezed the hand he was holding slightly. His mother thought he was talking to her, when in reality Chan was begging in his mind for Y/n to come back. For her to confess her love to him over and over again, that’s all he wanted to hear. He wanted to see her again, he wanted to tell her that he loved her too.

“Don’t worry Channie, I’m right here.” His mother said as she kissed her son’s hair. Chan was glad she was there, but all he wanted right now, was Y/n to be by his side.

His mother knew better though. She knew the words were meant for Y/n. She had observed her son and had of course seen the pictures of the two in Chan’s room when she went to bring him his freshly washed clothes. She was shocked at first to see her son and this trouble maker of a girl together, but she couldn’t lie to herself. She saw how happy her son seemed with Y/n. She has at least never seen pictures of Chan and Sooyun together in Chan’s room.

That was one of the moments where she realised that Y/n was something special that Chan was planning on keeping close to his heart. When Chan brought Y/n home almost every day, she started to feel scared and thought that her son might take things too fast and he should reconsider his other possibilities.

But it seemed like Chan had already made his choice. She brushed her son’s hair as she looked down at him and knew that he had it all figured out already.

Well, most of it.

After calling in sick for a week at school, she was now forced again to attend classes. And yet again, there were students blaming Y/n for Chan’s injuries and him ending up in the hospital. Y/n had been doing quite well with ignoring all of them.

“I’m surprised you aren’t put in jail yet. That’s where you belong.” “Don’t say that. You’re insulting the prisoners when you compare them to that.” Another girl said as she nodded toward Y/n, laughing annoyingly right after.

As Y/n had been continuing to go to school, everything seemed to go downhill for her. The three boys couldn’t seem to cheer her up. They did manage to make everyone back off and leave her alone, but it wasn’t enough for Y/n.

She looked so depressed and it broke their hearts. They were confused as well, but they knew this wasn’t the Y/n they had always known. The Y/n they knew was strong, independent and could shine as bright as the sun whenever she was happy or in her own habitat. The Y/n who sat in front of them was laying her hear on the table as it rested on her arm. Her glow seemed to be gone and they wanted nothing more than to fix it for her.

One day, Y/n would call in sick anyway, saying that her body still hurt too bad, making up the excuse or else the school wouldn’t let her stay in. Changbin didn’t know this and was surprised once again to see his best friend arrive at the parlour. Hyunjin noticed Y/n gloominess and called Changbin in as soon as he could.

Changbin’s heart broke and brought her to his wing where they could talk. Hyunjin decided to give the two some space and went out to do so. “What’s wrong?” Changbin asked carefully as he took her hands in his. “I-I can’t do this anymore Bin.” She sobbed in front of him, her body shaking from exhausting, not only physically but also mentally.

“W-what do you mean? Please Dumpling, talk to me.” Changbin’s voice was shaking in fear as he suspected the worse. “I don’t want to go on Bin, I can’t do this anymore. Everyone hates me. Everyone is against me and I’m ruined. Why does everyone hate me? Why always me? I hate myself so much Changbin. Chan is in the hospital because of me, my dad is in rehab and was probably looking for me. He hates me as well. Maybe I should listen to everyone and just-“

“Don’t you fucking say that!” Changbin yelled out as he stood up with tears streaming down his face as his heart broke, piece by piece. “But Bin-“ “No! I won’t let you. I will fucking end myself if you ever try to end your life! You don’t want that right?” “That’s just mean Bin.” She whispers whilst looking up to him with tears-filled eyes.

“And this isn’t? Think about how much pain I’d be in if you ever leave me. I was already in so much pain when I was in Japan and I couldn’t be with you. Fucking hell, I even hired Felix to keep an eye on you, because I needed to know how you really were. Please. I love you, you’re my best friend. I can’t live without you, you’re my better half, you’re my partner in crime and I can’t afford to lose you. Besides, I know there is someone, who I can’t name, but this person loves you so much. I can’t even explain how much this person loves you. Please Y/n, will you promise to stay?” Changbin cried out, causing Y/n to cry out as well.

Changbin sat down next to her and brought her into his arms as they cried their hearts out together, “I’m sorry Binnie.” She sobbed into his shoulder, hugging him tighter. “It’s alright Dumpling, you’re safe as long as you’re with me. And I promise you. I’m not going anywhere.”

Meanwhile, at the hospital Chan had finally awaken to everyone’s joy. He groaned out loudly when he opened his eyes for the first time in days. His head was pounding, his chest hurt and he felt a weird tube in his nose that he assumed was to feed him, so he wouldn’t die of hunger. He couldn’t remember much, everything seemed like a vague dream.

His mother would swaddle him as soon as the doctors said she could, after they had finished their check-ups. “Where’s Y/n?” He’d ask eventually. “Goodness dear, think about yourself for a second. You’re the one who’s hospitalized.” His mother argued as she tucked him in. “Mom, seriously, how is she.” When his mother chose to ignore him, he got mad. “Just forget about her Chan, think about your health.” She scoffs, only making Chan angrier. “No! I’m done with you and dad always deciding for me what to do or who to be!” His mother was surprised by her son’s reaction. “All my life you have been planning my future, not even giving me a chance to think or speak for myself! I’ve always pleased you! By winning all my competitions I attended, all my grades are better than others. You made my life an actual competition and I’m done with it! I get that you want me to think about myself, but from now on I’m done listening to you two. I have a voice of my own and I won’t let the two of you decide for me anymore. I’m a young adult for God’s sake!” Chan exclaimed in frustration.

“I get that you and dad are looking out for me, but once I fall in love with someone, I just feel like you want to ruin that for me. Because you want me to be with a shitty snob who only cares about money and her status. I have better things to do than think about the numbers on my bank account and how my hair looks. I want someone who’s interesting, who has a deep personality, someone I could talk to in the middle of the night about anything and everything.” Chan sighs as he sat back, looking away from his mother as he tried to calm down.

His mother knew her son was right and sighed as she tried to stroke his cheek in comfort. “We’ll talk about this at home, okay?” “No! Stop ignoring this! You know I’m right!” Chan yelled as he sat up. “Channie, please lay back down.” His mother almost begged. “All I’m asking was how she was! I get that you hate her, but just answer the bloody question. I already have no idea what the hell happened to me. I only know the things you all told me and I don’t know who to believe anymore! She hasn’t visited me at all and that might be my own fault, but she’s still healing mom. Someone needs to help her out. I just want to make sure she’s alright, okay.” Chan cried out.

His mother sighed and stood up and left the room for now, knowing Chan needed some time alone. She saw how upset he was, almost heartbroken that she hadn’t visited him. She couldn’t help but feel guilty for sending Y/n away every time she came to visit him.

Chan laid back in his bed and he felt like crying. He was just so worried about her. He couldn’t help it. Eventually Chan would realise that she would be safe at Changbin’s. He sighed and felt envious that he was able to be with Y/n, whilst he was stuck in his hospital bed. Chan would look to his side and pick up his phone before he scrolled through is gallery. Deciding to revisit the happy memories before he fell back asleep.

“Chan, Channie wake up there’s someone here to see you.” A familiar voice woke him up before he fully opened his eyes, unsurprisingly his mother came into his vision. Still feeling angry with her he turned away from her, causing her to sigh. “Fine, you don’t have to look at me. I guess I deserve that. But at least look at her when you talk to her.” She mutters, still pressing a kiss on her son’s hair through his protest.

Chan looked away from his mother to see Y/n standing at the end of his bed, a small smile plastered on her face as she looked at him. She looked better, still tired and a little bruised, but her wounds definitely healed well. Chan was startled at her presence and shot up in his bed. Feeling a little embarrassed as well since he probably looked like a mess. “I’ll be down in the cafeteria if you need me.” Chan’s mother states before she exited the room, leaving Chan and Y/n alone.

Chan tried to find the right words to say, but was quickly interrupted by the tears that suddenly flowed down Y/n’s face. “Hey, hey! What’s wrong?” Chan asks as he mentioned to her to sit beside him. “I’m sorry, none of this would’ve ever happened if-“ “No, don’t cry. This isn’t your fault.” Chan assured as he brought her in his arms. “But-“ “No buts, this isn’t your fault, none of this is. I’m fine Sunshine, I’m not going to lie, I missed you.” He chuckled, causing her to burst out in laughter as well as she tried to stop her crying.

“I missed you too.” She pulled away from him and caressed his cheeks as she looked at him. “Are you okay?” She asked him as she realised that she was actually with him in the hospital. “I am, don’t worry. I’ll be back on my feet in no time.” He chuckled as he leaned into her hand affectionately, also couldn’t help but feel like she was the cutest being in the world right now. “How have you been? Do your arms still hurt?” Chan asks as she inspected them. “They healed well. Felix and the others have helped out a lot. I owe them one, I promised them to make them something ‘scrumptious’ when everything calms down a little.” She said with an awkward chuckle, but was surprised to hear Chan burst out in laughter.

“Where did you get the word ‘scrumptious’ from?” He wheezed. “Trust me, ever since you’re gone, Jisung and Minho have been fighting on who is smarter and they had this vocabular battle. I picked up some of the words after laughing my ass off.” She giggled. “I’m glad they’re good to you.” Chan sighs in relief.

“I’m glad too.” Y/n said before the two sat in silence for a period of time, not later being broken by Y/n who nervously asked Chan what happened to her dad. “I heard that he was brought back to rehab, but a stricter one with more security and supervisors.” “I-I’m scared Chan, I know he was looking for me. I-I should’ve been more careful, you wouldn’t be in pain right now.” She cried again. “Don’t cry, you’re safe with me. I promise.” Chan whispers as he hugged her tight.

She relaxed into his touch and buried her face in the crook of his neck. He had his hands on both of her cheeks and she leaned into his touch, just like he did minutes ago. She was stunning to him, even if she had cried her eyes out only seconds before. Chan felt like he had to tell her, it was now or never. He sat up and leaned closely towards her as he kept staring deep into her eyes. “What?” She giggled in a whisper, feeling flustered by the sweet smile he was sending her.

Chan’s heart was racing, the words were on the tip of his tongue and he felt like he left his sanity and mind in cloud nine. “I like you.” He whispered. Y/n was taken back by his confession and leaned back in surprise, looking at him in expectation of him to tell her that he was joking. “What?” She asks him again. “I like you Y/n. I’ve had feelings for you for some time now.” He admitted with a smile plastered on his face.

Y/n’s heart was racing, but unfortunately not because she was happy. “Don’t say that. Don’t say things you don’t mean.” She stuttered, feeling her heart increasing beats per second. “What do you mean? Y/n-“ “I have to go.” She murmurs as she got off the bed, anxiety overtaking her esteem as she picked up her pace. 

A nurse had walked in the middle of the scene, obviously not knowing what was going on and was surprised when she saw Y/n run past her, out of the room. Chan was ready to jump out of bed and run after her, but the nurse had other plans. She ordered him to get back into bed since he wasn’t fully recovered yet and it could do major damage to his body.

In the cafeteria Chan’s mother spotted Y/n running through the building with tears streaming down her face. She got up and wanted to catch up to Y/n, but she was too quick and eventually disappeared in the crowd. She hurried to Chan’s room where she found her son crying. She asked him what happened and Chain explained through his sobs that he had confessed to Y/n. Chan felt heartbroken and confused. 

“I don’t get it mom, why would she react that way?” Chan sobbed softly as he looked at his mother with big, teary eyes. “I don’t know honey, maybe she’s scared. She has lost quite some loved ones already. She might be scared to have her beloved close in her life. We don’t know honey.” She mutters as she rubbed her son’s back.

Chan immediately felt a wave of guilt washing over him and started to cry out harder. “I should’ve been more sensitive. I didn’t realise that. I should’ve been more careful.” Chan cried. “There, there. Don’t worry love, the two of you will be fine. I know you will. Besides, you have always been caring, especially towards her. From what I’ve seen?” She chuckles. “She will turn by honey, trust me.” She added, before pressing another kiss on her son’s head.

She knew that Y/n felt the same way as the son did, but it wasn’t her job to tell him that.

Gif isn’t mine

[jobethdalloway]

Rambling “Booksmart” thoughts from my 3 viewings of it (spoilers below!)

1) How much was I like Molly & Amy in high school? My senior quote included a quote from The Hours: "Perhaps there is nothing, ever, that can equal the recollection of having been young together. Maybe it's as simple as that." That, for me, actually sums up a lot of the joys of this movie. It wasn't angsty or taking itself too seriously like Lady Bird; it wasn't about shitting on its main character like Edge of Seventeen; it wasn't about loneliness like Eighth Grade; it wasn't about meanness like most of Mean Girls - it was about all the incredible joys that come with being a teenager, whichever way you choose to teen.

lots of rambling thoughts-

-the chemistry/casting is a huge part of what elevates this to something golden. I just completely accept that Kaitlyn & Beanie have been best friends since birth. sign me tf up. Give them Michael Cera and Jonah Hill's careers!! -Billie Lourd's entrance is one of the funniest things I've ever seen and then every time she popped up was just another miracle of laughter -this is like. soft Daria & Jane. Daria and Jane were a bit before my time but their '90s cynicism was something my friends and I were really drawn to and there weren't a whole lot of teenage girls repped in media who felt like us and we loved them. What I also really liked about that show is that, like this movie, it was not afraid to slap its protagonists on the wrists for judging "cool"/popular kids. Daria and Jane loved each other but the one time you saw them do anything remotely affectionate in the show was in the last (I believe?) episode when Daria hugs Jane and Jane is stunned/seemed kind of uncomfortable with it. I loved the love between Molly and Amy, its openness, it's two-way Ann & Leslie feel -being best friends with the teacher? Seriously, legit. I was super close to my favorite teacher junior year and then she moved away that summer and gave me her phone number so we could keep in touch. /I've been that person who would still meet up with my favorite gym teacher like years after graduating, just to get lunch and catch up -while this genre of comedy is usually a tad too crass for me, I realized it made a huge difference when it's made by/about girls - one of whom is a lesbian!!! It's not just nonstop escalating dick jokes! It doesn't demean or hypersexualize teenage girls!! Groundbreaking!!! It wasn't like, let's be as gross as possible because dicks are everyone's favorite thing to talk about. the sex jokes felt super real/were derived from very real things (oh, Ling Ling) -that scene in the swimming pool was gorgeous. everything about it. -I liked that Amy had a crush on a girl who wasn't just like Conventional Hot Chick. A straight dude writing/directing this very likely would've done that -I think maybe most poignantly, this movie made me miss high school. So many teen movies are about how high school sucks, how it's the worst, how it's lame, isolating, or scary. This reminded me of all my fun times with my friends and what a great ride we had -my generation's high school movie was Mean Girls. An iconic and hilarious film, but not at all kind to lesbians. Having one of the leads be an out lesbian in this film, to see her be the one who gets to hook up (well, almost / I do think that happened way too fast for her character but whatever) - that is revolutionary. I'm so so so so glad for (and a little jealous of) Gen Z's wlw who get to own this movie. Lesbians aren't the butt of the joke or the freaks anymore. They're the lead you're rooting for. -BILLIE LOURD

(A couple of small quibbles: I realize it's a staple of the genre, but I didn't love the girls getting drugged. I guess it was a creative way of doing that kind of sequence but eh. Also, Molly's comment about porn being like a documentary for an inexperienced lesbian is ... not good!! Yes the Cardi B joke was funny but young wlw, that porn was not made for you in mind and if you must, proceed with caution! And whether you're straight or gay, making out with someone who was mean to you, just to prove a point, is... not the best. Molly had a bunch of set-ups to telegraph that she'd end up with the sweet/desperate rich boy; I would've loved more set-up for the girl Amy ended up with)

2) More things I love:

-how this captures that people stop caring about cliques in senior year. I remember 2 of my grade’s coolest girls like adopting me partway through senior year because we had some classes together and they thought I was funny. Suddenly they were saying hi to me in the hallway amidst all their super cool friends and even though Being Cool had never been a goal of mine I felt so legit bc these two crazy popular girls liked me. I thought of that when Nick exudes nothing but sheer joy at the sight of Molly at his party. It’s so sweet. -Barcelona -I love that this movie doesn’t fall into the cliche of making The Cool Boy Our Protagonist Likes into a douche so she’ll go swoon into the arms of the less cool guy who likes her. Nick may be a shameless flirt but he isn’t written as someone who’s evil and I like that -I love that they never go “omg, I can’t believe Ryan’s straight!” The belief that she’s queer is not challenged -Amy grinning like an idiot when Ryan’s arm touches her leg :))) -with the close-ups of feminist accoutrement in Molly’s room and the bumper stickers on Amy’s car, it really struck me how amazing it is that these are our leads. Characters like this were the least popular ones/people who got made fun of in shows/movies when I was growing up (see: Jessie on Saved By the Bell). I LOVE that unrepentant feminism is such a huge part of them -Billie Lourd takes my breath away -I want to take Hailee Steinfeld’s character out of EDGE OF SEVENTEEN and put her in this movie, where Molly and Amy would befriend her and she could date someone who wasn’t a sexist dick -I still wish Hope had been a little better developed/hadn’t been so mean -I want to hang out with my high school friends

3) Third time seeing this and honestly laughed just as hard as I did the previous two times. The jokes all land and the deliveries, the facial expressions, the camaraderie is all perfect. I like that the notion of pushing past stereotypes is even applied to Amy’s parents, when Molly makes a comment about them being Christians who totally accept their lesbian daughter. That was a nice, small touch. (It also comes up again when the pizza delivery man who, while a douche, seems to be being nice in some way by warning them to be safe and turns out to be a wanted criminal). 

Also - is Avril Lavigne’s Sk8r Boi a dated reference for this movie? Is Sully? Do the kids not have to sit alphabetically at graduation? Because everyone’s grouped with their friends. Also I went with my gay bff to see this and we died bc the theater kid’s extreme reaction when Molly kissed the dude on stage was exactly my friend’s reaction from a moment before. And if the party was so late, couldn’t they have had dinner with Amy’s parents? They’re so sweet and they put so much effort into that adorable meal (I loved Lisa Kudrow in this omg). Why did they not pick her up from jail? Why did they not take her to the airport?? (These aren’t super important questions, I guess, I’m just being kinda nit-picky. I love the last shot/line of the movie)

I’m glad it’s where it is not.I do still kinda feel like we could’ve done without the teacher hooking up with the 20-year-old student. Not sure what that brought to the table and I actually thought her saying “how crazy would that be if I just showed up?” was funny without her actually showing up. At a party with all her students. Did no one else notice her there? 

[arielandthesea]

Ariel & The Sea

October 15th, 2008

Whenever I think of her, I picture her with someone else.

She is a closed chapter that unfortunately has a minimal, yet open window of playing a role in my life again in two months - December. I think part of the reason why I always picture her with someone else is because I know she always needs someone to be there with her and since we both moved away and I am not with her now, I picture her with someone else.

That necessity she has to be with someone all the time is normal, I used to feel it too but eventually, I got over it, I grew out of it. Frankly, I doubt she’ll never grow out of it.

I met Ariel in junior high, it was the first day of school and I remember seeing her chat comfortably to all the kids around her. This was something impressive to me since I would’ve been nervous, stressed out and probably keeping my head down but not her, she was comfortable talking to everyone as if they’d known each other since elementary school. I wasn’t a new student, it was my second year at catholic school but it felt like I was new since I was invisible, but not to her. I remember we made eye contact and she smiled at me, I immediately looked away at the window, the garden, the trees. The nervous feeling was overwhelming but curiosity won and one day before the lunch break, I saw her walking down the hall, she’d gone to the principal’s office to pick up a small plastic bag her parents brought her. I pretended I wasn’t shy and fooled myself to ignore my insecurities and I approached her, and we had a very successful small talk.

The topics covered in that conversation included which school she was from, how she felt about this school, who her friends were from the other school and what she liked to do after school. We must’ve walked across the soccer and softball field twice to cover all those subjects and everything she said seemed so positive and jolly that I constantly dodged out every question she asked me. Ariel came from a prestigious school outside the city, she had a cute ex-boyfriend who she was still friends with, popular friends and all the other elements of a positive, happy youth. I was not ready to tell her I didn’t really have any friends other than my guitar teacher Rony - a sixteen-year-old metalhead who was currently trying to teach me the solo of a Sum 41 song. I wasn’t ready to tell her I wanted to learn how to skateboard because Avril Lavigne was my human idol and I say human because the cyber idol was Lara Croft. I had all her PC video games and I played them all the time after school but sometimes I would instead play Tony Hawk or the Sims. I certainly was not ready to tell her one of the happiest days of my life was the day when I found the unlimited money code also known as rosebud;!;!;!;!;!… Nope.

I suppressed myself for a while, just enough for me to find out if I could trust her enough to share my eccentric self with her, eventually, I did and we blended. By blended I mean I made her geeky and she made me girly. It all happened in less than a month. There was going to be this party that I had to dress up too but didn’t know how so she somewhat advised me and introduced me to her friends from her other schools. A couple small gatherings after that made me realize I’d developed a few but some interpersonal skills and therefore became more relaxed. On my end, I introduced her to Supaplex. Supaplex was a video game I wasted a couple years on, it was similar to Pacman since your avatar would be a ball collecting DNA-type icons in different maze-looking worlds where you had to watch out for the gravity-affected balls that’d come down and make you explode, or the scissors that in most advanced levels would work the same way as Pacman’s ghosts did and kill you. But enough about video games. We also played John Milton hypnotize-yourself CD’s on my stereo and tried to hypnotize Julia; a third of the four girls in our clique, and my best friend.

Due to the fact that the day we tried to hypnotize ourselves we skipped last period and came to my house and two hours later the principal called me, demanding to come back with the girls while I was still trying to chew the just-delivered pizza in my mouth, I was seen as the leader. The queen bee of the rotten apples from catholic school. Ariel was more of a mastermind but she was cute, came from a good family and had to carry around an insulin kit with needles she’d use before every meal. I was just another rebellious daughter of a single mother soon to be expelled and due to the chronic suspensions, calls from the principal and forecasted expulsion, my mother decided to enroll me in another school away from my friends, away from Ariel. Only she didn’t know at this point, we had crossed the line of an innocent friendship.

You see, at that time Ariel and I were best friends, we were always together. We actually didn’t talk that much, we just sort of existed together and while existing we did things that don’t just exist, they are provoked. Most of the time we’d be touching each other, maybe playfully at first but eventually we’d touch each other in a more intimate way until one of us stopped the other - mainly me. One particular time I was laying in bed watching the shadow of the ceiling fan break while Ariel who laid on the floor grabbed my hand, she pulled it closer to her mouth and sucked my finger gently. It was the first time I was sexually aroused.

Because of my mother’s wishes of wanting what’s ‘best for me’, she commanded I’d never see Ariel again… so we started hanging out in secret. My last period ended about an hour before hers so I would walk to her and meet on the football field to chat until her mom picked her up. We would just talk about how she was feeling, what school was like for me now and other similar, easy topics. We were close but only met with time limits, that made it hard to be light and consistent. Then, time faded into the nothing and I didn’t see her again for a while.

During our sophomore year in high school, there were rumors - I heard rumors about her getting kicked out of school. Rumors of her going to rehab in another state. Crazy things that didn’t suit her at all but unfortunately they were all true. It wasn’t until six months later when I finally heard from her on instant chat that I was able to get the story straight. Just seeing her status as available online took a huge weight off my shoulders, I was totally hooked and had no idea.

Ariel drove to my house one day when my mom was out of town and in a very casual way, she told me all about the raves she went to, the drugs she used and other events that doubled the rumor-based trouble I knew she was in. We only spoke for a couple minutes, then I just watched her smoke her spliff thinking of how much I missed her. She got a little nervous and joked her way to and into the car. I complimented how clean the ol’ white thunderbird looked, then she drove away smiling.

We always separated and reunited at odd times, gaps that lasted years or months depending on what had happened or how far our cities were from each other. This time, October of last year, we met up again. A little older, a little wiser. This, whatever it was that we built up for years, anxiously needed a label. Ariel made the first move, labeling herself as bisexual as we drove in my car to this part to get hot dogs. Changing the subject never worked with someone as ballsy as her and I told her I was gay. She told me she knew that I was, I told her I knew that she was and suddenly we started dating.

One night at a coffee shop, she said she wanted something serious and real. Confused I asked for time to think, given the fact that I knew she liked sleeping around. Offended Ariel stormed out, leaving me with a small, yet-embarrassing bill to pay. I needed time to think, I needed time to find out what I wanted and how I felt but before the week was over I found out she was hooking up with a DJ. I stopped talking to her.

It wasn’t long before I heard from her again, apologizing, saying that she missed me, admitting she did wrong. This loser here called her and forgave her while she swallowed the proven co-dependent genes between words. This loser here saw her again. This loser here was six feet under. Blinded by pink sunglasses. Pretending to be strong while falling apart inside knowing this invisible chain was hard to break.

And we went out and it was awful. I took Ariel to my friends’ house and got really wasted with her - she was also high on something. Later on that night she drank a tequila bottle in shots and started yelling at me until I cried, she cried, we were both a sorry drunken mess so I decided to drive her home. On our way there she asked me to take her to her friend’s house - a junkie. I said no and she almost jumped out of the car, so I gave her options. Him or me; coke or this co-dependent loser of a quasi-girlfriend she had available 24/7. The quasi-girlfriend she kicked around that waited like a puppy for her to come back. I asked her me or some coke. She chose the coke.

A couple days later her parents sent her to rehab and I know she works at Six Flags because… I spoke to her. I don’t know what’s gonna happen, it’s such a mess, it feels like fiction. Maybe I never loved her. Maybe I don’t love her. ——————————————————————————————-

January 5th, 2009

On Saturday most of my plans got cancelled in the morning, mainly little things, hanging out with old friends and all that but lunch with Stella didn’t. Plans with Stella never got canceled. It’s funny to think how she became good friends with Ariel the year when I moved away. It’s a double edge sword since now everything seems to have a domino effect. Ariel texted me twice, random short half sentences that really meant she wanted to talk to me. After waiting it out with Stella, she dropped the bomb and told me she wasn’t doing well. She told me her parents found her on the street, high and dirty, she had escaped rehab. They took her to the hospital and the doctors said that if this drug problem persisted if she continued consuming as much as she did, mixed with her diabetes, she would only get a few more years of life.

I called her, I called her every day and she never picked up. I felt anxious about the fact that I didn’t know if she was well or if what Stella told me was completely true. I also felt stressed and frustrated by the fact that I couldn’t do anything and mad about the fact that I cared. So I went to a gay bar and made out with a girl, a part of me desperately wanted to feel something for someone else, anyone. It didn’t help.

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February 17th, 2009

Ariel called this morning making fun of me. She said she left her phone at home while she was at the hospital and her sister told her it was blowing up with my calls. She asked how I knew her number and I told her Stella gave it to me. She told me her old one was stolen, I told her I knew because a drunken stranger picked up crackin’ jokes about cops, saying I was a cop then him. She thought this was funny although I wondered what kind of places she was hanging out in for a person in this state to be cracking these types of jokes.

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May 23rd, 2009

I’ve been skyping with Ariel almost daily and when we can’t, we speak on the phone.

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June 7th, 2009

Ariel bought a ticket to come see me. I told her I’m moving to New York soon for college and she wants us to spend time together before I move. I can’t wait to see her, the last rehab seemed to work, she’s clean and stable. I can’t wait to see her.

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July 17th, 2009

Ariel flew in last night. I went to her house to meet her. I was so excited and nervous to see her that I didn’t even kiss her. All I could do was stare at her. I must’ve stared too long to make her break that with a joke but I was just hypnotized by her eyes, her kind, warm eyes. The eyes I hadn’t seen in awhile. Drug-free eyes. And that’s what made it all worth it, waiting for her to be okay to allow herself to get to know me, there were so many things I wanted to share with her. Things I’d never share with anyone. I can’t wait to see her again tomorrow.

I love her.

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July 18th, 2009

Today it was fun, although I think I drank too much. I went out with Ariel and friends. We went to my pool, I took her aside and kissed her like I’ve never kissed anyone before. I looked into her eyes for a while after that, enjoying the comfort of sharing myself with her, finally, after so long.

We went back to my friends house and got shitfaced. Then I drove her home.

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July 20th, 2009

Ariel started getting high again. Things haven’t gone as smoothly as I thought. She also drinks too much. She thinks I can’t fool around with her unless I have a drink. She’s right, I’m scared shitless. A friend also told me she was hitting on her. It didn’t surprise me since Ariel’s a flirt. I also didn’t believe my friend so much since she’s not that great looking but maybe Ariel is trying to make me feel jealous.

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August 2, 2009

Ariel hooked up with a guy and I almost cried. She kept asking ‘well what are we?’ pissed off, giving options of ‘friends? Girlfriends?’ She’s asking that because she kept pressuring me into having sex but I need to build trust again since she’s been using needles and I know she doesn’t believe in getting tested.

I dropped her off at her house.

I need time to think.

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August 7th, 2009

Ariel called me at home saying she didn’t wanna call my phone because she thought I wouldn’t answer. She said I abandoned her in a cute voice, joking around.

It melted my heart.

This attachment, this goddamn attachment is consuming my life. The stress of knowing she’s on the edge makes me hyper vigilant. The responsibility of her well-being falls on my shoulders and no matter how hard I try, I can’t let go. I forgave her one more time.

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August 18th, 2009

We went to the beach, I took my camera with me this time. During sunset we were kissing, having fun and I took off her top, I was in another world. Then a woman approached us and asked us to stop it, ‘there are kids present’ but they couldn’t see us I think she was just homophobic. We drove home afterward and went to my pool. We were hanging out with my friend and her girlfriend.

After a while, Ariel got naked and told me to turn off the camera. She asked me to get in and went underwater to take off my underwear aggressively. I asked her to stop I wasn’t comfortable and she seemed mad. Frustrated she told me I am not a lesbian. My friends got uncomfortable and excused themselves. I took Ariel home.

When we got to her house she got out of the car and slammed the door. I felt anger boiling inside of me. I can’t explain. Humiliation, anger, frustration. Driving away full speed kind of helped but I can’t do this anymore.

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August 19th, 2009

I broke up with Ariel.

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October 7th, 2009

I dreamt about a pretty blonde girl in the balcony in the balcony of an old Mexican hotel who looked at me from a distance. She turned around twice, closer to where I was standing. Then I saw her floating in a falling position. Eyes closed, hair undulating, lit, glowing in the middle of a black space with infinite darkness. After my mind inspected every element playing in front of me, I realized she was falling in slow motion. She hit the floor with some speed as if she fell underwater. When she hit the floor she broke her neck - I heard the cracking sound. Then I saw myself in a sea of people who went to see her. She was dead and covered in blood.

I woke up thinking I was in my bed back home, a bed doubles the size of this one. I woke up thinking Ariel was in trouble, as always but fighting myself to check.

I think of her, I think of her a lot.

I think of what she told me this last time and what I told her to push away forever.

She started using heroin. I couldn’t take it.

I hurt her to make her hate me.

I made her hate me to let me go and take responsibility for her own life.

I’ll check up on her in December.

I wish I didn’t feel like I should.

I wish I could stick to my word.

I wish she was clean.

I wish to fall in love with someone else.

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November 19th, 2009

Ariel killed herself two days ago, they found her yesterday, I found out yesterday. I was on a break, I had a lot of missed calls from my friend but it was someone else who told me, another friend. She told me this and I couldn’t believe it. I was crossing the street…

It’s raining a lot and I can’t write.

I have class now so I’ll write some other time.

Ariel, I loved you so much.

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November 20th, 2009

I still don’t know what to think, I still don’t know what to say or write.

It hurts me to think it happened this way, that she was alone, that she injected adrenalin into her heart. I couldn’t sleep last night. I stayed up all night crying, thinking.

Ariel,

I hope wherever you are, you’re fine.

I want you to know that I loved you more than I’ve ever loved anyone else in my life.

That I always tried to save you from all the bad things that happened in your world and that is what I did for years until I realized last summer that it wasn’t my job to save you. I realized that by trying to help you I was hurting myself and frankly, you wanted to be at that place.

You were self-destructive.

I never fully understood what caused you so much sadness, I just hope you found comfort in me at least for a while. Yesterday I cried a lot for you, I wrote a screenplay about your story, our story. I am deeply sorry I couldn’t afford to go to your funeral but I believe that by not being physically there has left me with your memory alive. I guess this was the way it was meant to be so I’ll never forget. I hope that wherever you are, you’re fine but, since you’re gone I must confess this letter is for me.

I hope I see you again, at the place where they put your ashes. It’s just a shame we will reunite like this and I guess all I can say is that at least I’m glad you finally found peace.

You will live with me forever, as a beautiful memory.

I loved you, so much.

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December 2nd, 2009

Lately, when I think of Ariel I play Pink Floyd’s Let There Be More Light.

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December 10th, 2009

I’ve been dreaming of Ariel. I dream that she speaks to me and I listen. I think only until now I am starting to realize how much this is affecting me.

I told a close friend about how she ended her life shooting adrenaline to her heart, she said ‘of course, that’s where all the emotions meet.’

Somehow now, whenever I think of her I go back to that day when she came into the house to get a glass of water and we both heard my mom calling my name. We freaked out. I was so scared of my mother finding out about us that we always met in secret. It was like living in our own bubble and now that she’s gone, I don’t know what to do with myself…

In the first dream, I was near a shore with turquoise water, surrounded by buildings during sunset. Soon after, the water froze including rocks and waves. Everything had a cutting sound of ice breaking. I took out my camera and started taking photos. Then I moved to another spot, in front of the frozen water then ten feet tall pieces of ice rose from sea level. They slowly formed into buildings. There were three and after shaping up, the top cracked and aimed towards me. I saw myself in my dream, I saw the way I was looking at them in fear yet determined to put up a fight by holding onto my camera and photographing the scenery behind a rock. Then, these pieces of ice started flying towards me. The larger pieces didn’t hit me but the thin did, they’d cut me and it hurt but not so much. Soon after this dream ended and another one began.

In this second dream, I was outside a coffee shop with a spinning class next to it where old classmates from catholic school were working out. The look of disgust on my face expressed how well I liked them. Then I turned around and saw Ariel, I told her ‘people will think I’m crazy to be talking to you’ I knew she wasn’t alive in my dream and yet I was happy and she was too.

At some point she sat on top of me and hugged me, then she said ‘I used to do the same thing with Abel’, a friend of hers who overdosed. Paralleling her words, the third dream began.

A homeless man rode a wooden truck down the street, the car was decorated with paper mache simulating a dragon. He was going really fast. There was an audience, a group of meth addicts with skin peeling off. He kept yelling something, a group of words that didn’t make sense and everyone followed him to the curve where the car flipped over and he fell, his head dragged on the concrete until his face detached from his skull, leaving it as a mask. He stood up almost immediately and ran away in living flesh.

A woman in the audience approached the face he left behind and held it the only way a fan would; close to her heart with eyes wide shut.

Did I become that fan?

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December 11th, 2009

I dreamt of her again last night, a forensic team was looking for fingerprints and once again I was the only one who could see her. This time, Ariel had long hair and her eyes weren’t empty anymore. However, I knew what had happened, I knew she was gone but I didn’t say anything I just held her close to me. She was very upset.

I woke up freezing, my heat didn’t work. I told my mother about my dream and my theory that maybe something else happened, that maybe she was murdered. She told me I was just paranoid.

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December 30th, 2009

Now I dreamt Ariel was trapped like a princess in a castle but instead of a castle, it was a retail store and the only way I could save her was by passing a written test. There was someone else there trying to do the same thing. However, Ariel approached me and whispered that she wanted me to pass it.

I took the written test chewing bubble gum listening to Linking Park.

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January 2nd, 2010

Death is unavoidable. We are all born, grow up then die. Reproduction is a personal affair. However this three-stage cycle can be very abstract since we’re all born but some don’t grow up and those of us who do, don’t know until when and we all die but somehow stay immortal in other people’s memories.

In my case, I will never forget Ariel but at the same time, I don���t wanna carry her with me. I want to travel light.

I feel out of the picture and I am going against everything I once believed in. I don’t know why I am but I know I have time to find out, I’m not in a rush since after all, I am only eighteen years old.

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January 17th, 2010

I am holding my heart in my fist.

I disconnect it from my mind and put it away but Ariel’s death can’t be unnoticed and the science of my dreams will help me figure out a way to expose it.

Last night her face was behind a hexagon-shaped screen fading into static.

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January 28th, 2010

I started relating to all the common deaths. The loss of a parent, the loss of a friend, a lover or relative. Even the loss of a victim who you don’t know but feel bad about how they were killed and why. You also have massacred, natural disasters, 9/11, New Orleans, Haiti, guerillas, everything. All those losses and life keeps going.

The violence of it all is affecting my subconscious since now I dreamed of two mannequins where heads turned 360 degrees while blood gushed out of their eyes and mouths and nipples. Behind them, a window featured a view of the city at night but the reflection showed a mad Ariel chained to a chair screaming in mad frustration.

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March 23rd, 2010

8:14 p.m. Dishes, dirty dishes. Blues, I love the blues. Stones, stoned Rolling Stones, Rolling Stoned. There is no point in writing, words are words.

Words put together to make sense, sometimes.

Sometimes they don’t until later on,

Sometimes not at all. Writing is like singing or playing guitar. The more you get used to it the better it is to write… write awayyyy!

Bullshit, not bullshit. Fiction, reality.

Squeezing reality like a fucking orange, because that’s what we are, oranges.

Squeeze the fuck outta me and you’ll get juice, juicy juice. C’mon, do it!

You won’t be disappointed.

If you want dirt here’s a hole you can dig in.

Juice, dirt, guitars. Juice, dirt, guitars.

Fun, fun, fun, never-ending fun.

And this is all just me. Writing, talking, thinking.

I wanna do something natural, a visual granola yogurt. Horses alone without fashion models. Colors, cows, farms, ugly flowers, clouds, water, natural-natural-natural.

Everyone I know has emotional issues.

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March 24th, 2010

When life gives you lemons, you eat them with tequila.

The pages in my journal went from pink to black or gray. Pretty pages in pink, naive, a glimpse of who I was. Now dark lost and confused, how I handled Ariel’s death now gone.

She’s gone and I’m here.

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April 3rd, 2010

I died. I’m living twice,

There is a double life.

There is a second life out there,

I wanna do this now,

I don’t wanna waste a summer.

I want to be with you,

I don’t wanna waste more time.

(He takes his wig off, he’s a man dressed as a woman.)

Inside a theater that seems to be my school’s theater I see, friends sitting apart from each other. I’m in the middle then walk to sit down and sit in front of the screen.

We’re all watching a movie I can’t see.

Then I’m in the student lounge on a couch with my computer. I stood up to grab a book from the shelves in front of me and I see Ariel who tells me she’s late, ‘for what?’ but she leaves before I can even look at her eyes. Then I’m at the theater again watching this movie I can’t see and I feel so alone.

Now I am the homeless man and a police officer speaks to me as he takes his wig off.

He takes his wig off.

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April 10th, 2010

Sexy red lights set the mood of the room of noise, noise, noise. Cars traveling.

High speed. Motion.

Neon palette of colors,

Sunglasses at night and the feeling that you’re alone when you’re surrounded by people…

The only moment when you become no one.

Animosity.

We disappear with the smoke, vanish.

Electronic music faded out by bittersweet rock,

Beetlebum.

And we see a very pretty girl dancing, boneless,

Lost in time.

Shooting.

Shooting.

Shooting.

She’s gone.

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April 18th, 2010

Ariel told me she wanted to take her life.

She told me she didn’t care about anything and that it was her choice. I guess the fact that she was diabetic didn’t help, taking all those meds and all.

I guess knowing she’d died young didn’t help either and that was probably why she created that fantasy of challenging time.

I guess a part of us always has that thought in the back of our minds.

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May 4th, 2010

Ariel, I want to see you, and it is dumb to talk like this but I can’t help it. I can’t assimilate it. Everything seems absurd. Everything seems to be a never-ending nightmare about the death of someone like you that isn’t really you but someone else.

I dream about you still. Last night, again, I could see you. I was the only one who could see you. And I kissed you like I never did before like I always should have but didn’t due to my fear of giving myself to you completely but I should’ve, that’s all you wanted but I blocked it because it would’ve meant a lot more to me than to you. You were my first and only love and now I see photos and play videos of you and I feel you’re alive. Sometimes at night laying in bed I feel you next to me, making fun of my obsession with your death, making existentialist comments that sum it up, making me laugh.

Now, more than ever I feel you’re here but I know you’re not and I feel alone. In a way, I feel you were mine and I was yours. There was no one else. I know you all and you knew me too. My life gravitated around you but now that you’re gone, nothing makes sense. What can I say and to whom? I miss you. I feel empty. I spoke to your parents, I saw your name in the newspaper, I went to the church where they placed your ashes and I still can’t believe it. I feel regret of the last hurtful words we exchanged and foolish for now telling you how I really felt.

I feel remorse for bailing on you when you needed me the most but I selfishly wanted to leave you in order to grow apart and yet I am here with your ghost.

Is it normal to speak to you like this even though you aren’t here? You were eighteen, I’m still eighteen. I had you in my life for five years and why? It is the most pointless question but why did you die? I want you here. I want to lay next to you in bed and play with your hair. I want you to give me the moon again. I want you to make fun of the corny stuff I used to tell you. I want those moments back and new ones. I want to wake up a year ago and redo our summer. I want to tell you how I feel. I want to know more, do more.

Do you remember that time we talked about what we would do when I moved to New York? When you told me you would cook and clean while I worked to bring the steak back for dinner?

Yesterday, the day before, last week and last year I saw you but knowing I will never see you again provokes a nameless feeling in me… Frustration, I feel frustrated and I wanna scream, run, shoot a bullet into the nothing than drive 140 miles per hour I feel enormous impotence because everything reminds me of you; the sun, my bed, your house, this city. I don’t know how I’m gonna let you go, I don’t know. And I can’t write anymore because you don’t exist, we’re only me, this notebook and this pen.

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May 6th, 2010

Sometimes I go on facebook and read our messages.

Then I wonder how you became a name on a stone,

a headline, an obituary, another statistic.

I feel so guilty. I was so cold.

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May 7th, 2010

Look at me fall in the pile of leaves of the forest I am lost inside of myself. I’m heartbroken but writing a statement about it isn’t gonna change it, it’s just a momentum for review tomorrow, the next day or the next. The faded sun won’t burn my skin in the Altar desert. Back in town, empty parks, and lonely streets remind me of has-beens.

I am disposable.

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May 23rd, 2010

I feel trapped in the symmetry of my own life and my addiction to document it.

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May 24th, 2010

I dreamed of you last night. I was in bed, I was in this bed and you were at the door.

I said ‘come here!’ you did. You hopped on my bed smiling and stared into my eyes.

I closed your eyes slowly with my fingertips, you were so calm.

Then you went outside and a stranger called you.

You told him you were fine but he controlled you.

In the end, you left with him and I woke up alone.

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May 25th, 2010

I can’t see the white moon because white is translucent therefore I see nothing and not seeing the icon of the night makes me think the night is non-existent and every day connects into one, therefore, there are no dates.

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May 29th, 2010

I can be physical with a stranger because I have a black hole in my soul.

I’d rather be a mystery than something special.

Love is devastating. Whenever I have sex, I am not there and I have no peace of mind.

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July 3rd, 2010

Who will I be today?

I guess I’ll just be myself.

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July 17th, 2010

I dreamed you came out of the water naked, covered in seaweed, pale and your left breast was missing. I was worried until you explained it was because of all the months you’ve been dead. You asked me to come with you to this place where they reconstructed dead people. I saw the process. They made you look alive. Then they gave you a piece of paper with the date and time the effect would expire but you didn’t let me look. Finally, a stylist was doing your hair and you looked at me through the mirror, tired. Then I woke up.

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September 9th, 2010

I saw Ariel today on my way to the bank on Second avenue. I was walking down the street, turned to the left and she was the store’s cashier. I kept going and saw her walking in front of me wearing a hat.

I don’t know why this is happening. I’m aware of the fact that she will stay in my memory for a while but the frustration of this situation feels like a disease. Everyone keeps telling me my eyes seem empty but no one will understand to feel the need of that time machine. Or what it is like to portray her in strangers every now and then and finally, what is it like to fantasize about her being here, standing in front of me, waking me up from a long nightmare and me walking up to her, seeing her the way I used to, like I never have looked at anyone else and holding her hand and, great… I’m crying. She would laugh at me right now if she was alive. Then we would drive without a purpose or destination. I will never let her go. She will stay in the back of my mind as a powerful reminder of life.

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September 11th, 2010

Cigarettes are a sweet death.

I like watching the smoke come out of me slowly,

It reflects how I feel like inside,

Vanishing.

Sleeping pills,

Fears…

The only person I’m afraid of is myself,

My brain…

It hurts.

My heart,

It aches.

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September 17th, 2010

I dreamed of her last night. We were back home and I saw her hanging out with friends. I ran up to her excited to see her but when I finally got close enough she made fun of me and said ‘snap out of it dude!’

Then I went back to my car and she left with a friend.

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September 21th, 2010

You will stay young and I will be old, forever.

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October 11th, 2010

Sometimes I picture her here, wherever I am,

Sitting next to me making funny remarks of how I often glamorize the relationship we had.

I should move on with my life.

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October 17th, 2010

I feel I am no longer myself, or a complete version of myself. I think I pretended to be someone for so long that I finally became that and I don’t know what it is.

Sometimes I wonder if I’m a good person,

Am I cruel?

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October 26th, 2010

What am I doing wrong?

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November 13th, 2010

I hooked up with this Russian yoga instructor and due to a number of text messages received, I think we’re dating. I’m on the 2 train on my way to see her but I don’t know if this is such a good idea because I didn’t feel anything the other night.

Will I ever feel something again?

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November 19th, 2010

What am I doing? I’m so confused.

This girl is nice and pretty but she has really bad manners and she’s ugly when she smiles.

I don’t like her smile, and she loves mine apparently.

Am I a bitch?

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February 2nd, 2011

And you are the one and only,

Only now is were.

What are dreams and nightmares?

What are all the other than simple lights on the road?

Leaves on trees falling in the Autumn.

Stepped on.

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February 8th, 2011

Today I dreamed of you again, only this time,

You were alive.

It felt like breathing underwater.

I don’t wanna be a martyr but I don’t know what else to do or who to talk to,

I’m so alone,

So cold,

So isolated.

And the glass didn’t fall from the table,

My phone didn’t vibrate,

The wind didn’t mess up my hair,

Everything stayed the same,

But me.

Many nights I wonder what went through her mind, what made her end it all.

It’s so abstract.

Based on the pieces of information I know now and then,

I never thought she’d do it.

Who am I?

I am nothing else than an editor.

I go back and look at re-runs of our lives.

I miss you so much. Why did you leave me?

You knew you were the only one I could be myself with.

You’re so selfish.

Life and everything I knew about it changed when all of the sudden; parties, fun and friends became all different. I didn’t go out at all and when I did I would blackout drunk to make myself giggle again. What used to be fun wasn’t anymore. Conversations changed. All of the sudden I wasn’t interested in talking about shit about my lit teacher. He could go fuck himself.

‘Go fuck yourself Mark!’ He didn’t respond and I walked out the classroom,

Out of the floor,

Into the elevator

And back out again.

Only to find rain and fog.

I couldn’t remember who my friends were and I stopped talking to those I never liked.

I am fading out.

I realized the real complexity of things come in the most simple forms.

This inner fox is killing me,

The violent knowledge,

Of everything we were,

Projected in re-runs,

Of everything we once believed in.

And the clouds,

Suddenly vanished.

And the trees, destroyed by the wind,

Yelled in sorrow,

Knowing there is no tomorrow.

Which is nothing else than hope,

Wishful thinking of what could’ve been perfect,

Today.

There’s no such thing as perfection,

Nor there is for sublimity.

And you,

Apple of my eye,

Delight me.

In these now gray grounds.

Behind the smoking cloud, hard leather for vandalism, the embryo remains intact.

When did we become bullets?

Though we all establish fences,

Some stronger, more threatening than others,

We all invite trespassers.

We all receive them with joy,

Arms outstretched,

Cookies and a frou-frou drink.

Once our guests have settled down,

Unzipped and stretched,

We become predators,

Beasts.

And the most selfish act is performed by,

Both of us.

And everything we exchanged

Rests in memories,

Because oh we all do remember,

But the reminder might sound highlighted,

Meaningful.

Shamed to be vulnerable,

Libertinage takes over.

One bakes more cookies,

Hoping trespasser number two will join and heal,

One’s hidden wounds.

How far did we go? Where should we stop?

Let’s not.

Why did you stop?

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February 10th, 2011

I feel so lonely on this rootless tree.

The ground is far down,

Let’s just down once more.

Why did I call you? Why did you pick up?

Why did you come over? What’s this all about?

I don’t know you,

I was drunk.

We will never be the characters in that movie scene,

I refuse.

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February 15th, 2011

I don’t wanna write about you anymore but I can’t help it. On average I think of you twenty times per day. This amount increases if I’ve had an alcoholic beverage. On average I dream about you once a week. On average I see you once a month unless I blink and realize this person is not you. I never blink, though, I look away and smile.

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February 16th, 2011

Now that you’re gone, you’re turning me into this ultra-sensitive human being - I feel it all.

I only wish I would’ve had some of this structure before so I could’ve shared it with you,

Like you always wanted me to,

Like you always needed me to.

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February 17th, 2011

Once again I fell into the abyss of suicidal thoughts.

I am scared of myself.

I am scared of my confidence to complete tasks most kids can’t.

It is my virtue,

And my curse.

The characteristics of a polyhedron,

Bending, folding, unfolding.

And it’s never what it seems.

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February 18th, 2011

Your voice dancing around me,

Triggered sexual desire.

Your eyes as they hunt for mine,

Fill my morbid self.

Your lips,

Waiting in line,

Desiring to lock with mine were the reminder that once again,

You were looking at human flesh.

Too bad I lost my skin where I lost my heart.

If you could only see beyond that.

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February 20th, 2011

Sensibility levels raised as pages fill in,

Observant eyes become aware.

Lips went numb,

Skin went dry,

And all of the sudden,

I cared.

Sometimes the I guess and the I think and the ‘um’ pauses are needed for me to talk to you because I intimidate you and I don’t know why.

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February 21st, 2011

Where would you be? Now, so cold, so alone.

The gloomy settings, the empty spaces.

Memories of who you were keep fading with all these new feelings of confusing and pure anger.

Now I want you to be alive because one day, everything vanished.

Instrumental music played while I stood in front of everything you left behind.

I’m turning into my own worst enemy.

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February 22nd, 2011

Mentally sick creatures,

Losing lizard skin,

In line for rebirth as those they admire.

Poisoned rats craving status, power.

Hoping to fit in where they were once banned from.

Losing all integrity to be someone else, someone better.

Personality surgery down to the bones.

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March 29th, 2011

Drawing nine lines to create a tridimensional box which never reveals as an optical illusion of a cube, always cubes in every page. Uneven and deformed, determined to evolve, multiplying independently, filling a page of squares and diagonals craving perfection yet never achieving it, lacking tools needed for structure…

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April 3rd, 2011

Freckled wide-eyed, blushed cheeks.

Skin, hair, perfect teeth.

A heart, so young…

And then who would’ve known how she felt if she never expressed it.

There was no explanation.

It was as if she lived in fairyland and she was the queen and everyone just couldn’t wait to figure her out and please her and love her.

I’ve gone over last summer a hundred billion times and after god knows how many pages and cigarettes I’ve spent wondering what she was thinking of whenever she glared at me I end with the same conclusion; she wanted something I couldn’t give her and we both knew it. She was in search of a fantasy love you cannot find on this earth, so she left it.

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May 20th, 2011

It’s so quiet but in a way, it never is because the Chinese neighbors argue in high-k daily.

My super’s everyday conversations plagiarize monologs from gangster films and my pipes seem to be alive. My jeans feel tighter, I’ve gained weight.

Today after my interview I decided to walk down 58th street and saw a bunch of sad people. I’m used to seeing well-dressed beings with frowned faces but today they all just looked gloomy. Concerned. Sad. Maybe it’s just the gray skies, secondhand smoke or the artist that just died.

I don’t feel nineteen today.

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May 23rd, 2011

At the edge of an island,

At the top of a tree,

In a dark alley.

Turning my head 360 degrees,

Ending up looking down.

Overtipping those with money I don’t have.

The solution for happiness equation must belong to the dirtiest, oldest hermit who moved away in a life voyage. In the deep forest. Lost at sea.

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August 12th, 2011

‘You’re nineteen, everyone’s beautiful’

Was last night’s punchline.

I portrayed Ariel as a worn out beauty as if her memory became a character in my subconscious guiding me through dreams and life, a muse.

The beauty concept in my dream represents the nostalgia of yesterday’s expired day.

Similar to hunting a wolf in a snowstorm. A foreign land.

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August 30th, 2011

I still don’t know how I feel about anything.

As days pass me by, my perception changes so drastically that I end up clueless in a world filled with people on auto-pilot quotes and sentences.

All actions have pre-designed reactions. Everything I interact with someone I bring up a likable matching personality, my brain is filled with protocols -

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December 21st, 2011

Last night I dreamed of a flower that doesn’t exist.

It was placed in the middle of a crater.

The image,

Stuck in the corner of my eye,

Would hid whenever I turned.

I woke up in a suspended state,

Thinking I missed out on what could’ve been

The most beautiful thing I’ve ever seen.

Am I beautiful?

Is beauty based on tone? Symmetry?

Oval-shaped faces with high cheekbones are considered to be beautiful,

But they only remind me of cupcakes.

Jolly, sweet, fluffy creatures,

Afraid of the raw and sheltered,

Numb to the abstract and the complex.

Sometimes I envy their lack of awareness,

As I can feel, everything.

But perhaps I am just a martyr.

When does beauty become erotic? Why does it?

I wash up every day,

Finding imperfections, every day.

Nothing I possess comes close to what I saw last night in that flower,

In my dream.

Eventually, my eyes desaturated everything,

As if I didn’t deserve to enjoy pulchritude.

What would happen if I disappeared too?

Cutting out people tearing in black.

Who would give you voice?

What would happen to my expensive lingerie?

People don’t pass on dead people’s underwear.

What would define me?

What would describe me in the first sentence?

I wouldn’t like them to say I was beautiful.

I would like them to say I kept my thoughts to myself,

Often falling in the void of everything I couldn’t explain.

Never A or B but everything in between.

All these thoughts I would like to keep adventurous,

Pass the shadows once they fade in jet-black.

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January 1st, 2012

Like sand clocks,

We drop in the sequel of time, light and unaware.

Dead time,

Uncontrollably splitting continuance,

Brings the illusion of meaning for past time.

The mystery of time relativity works our way, somehow.

The wisdom it brings is irreversible.

We were built to linger

‘Cause nostalgia is a self-destructive state of mind.

We were not built to swim across dead time,

The deep ends are unbearable,

And will remain unknown, forever.

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