#also getting older is a privilege and im grateful every year | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

misterbitches · 4 years ago

Text

i wish more than anything he could have had this. i love you man

i really fucking do

my love for nirvana and immense respect for kurt isn't something i ever expected. after being a huge fan of jonghyun too as a musician, a person who had things to say, a human being. the people around him. i fucking hate that kurt is gone and i was like...2. i got into hole when i was like 25 really heavily and refused to listen to nirvana. didnt' care about these white boys. but there's a reason why people love this band and why they loved kurt. i get mad sometimes at his death—selfishness—and then i make jokes to deal and cope. we all do with everything. it's just that and this is from a cis person...but i know so many trans people or people on the gender spectrum who have read his journals see him as someone struggling with gender. and after years of thinking and becoming such a huge fan i think that was honestly the truth. i think at this point we're all pretty sure he was gender queer or struggling with identity.

his aversion for oppression, his stand with the marginalized, not accepting racism, homophobia, transphobia BECAUSE THAT IS THE HEART OF DIY (spurred by my black people cos ofc it is and we do everything) and i wish that he could have beeen better.

to me it seems like his pain with his crohns (or wahtever he had) lead to his intense struggle with drugs because that's pretty common when needing pain management. on top of that, his family's history of MI. on top of that, his life being hounded and not being prepared for it (this i think is the idea of white privilege at work and wasn't naive of him necessarily, but...it's just something he thought wouldnt happen to him. that's whiteness at work as who they were as a diy fucking anti pop anti capital punk band. sonic youth said 'we didnt sell out, we made them buy in') and his rship with courtney. he said without court he might be gay or bi.

i won't read his journals, it's too fucking much for me and i dont feel allowed or maybe i will when i can handle it, but i know reading about them and him and hearing the way he changed his songs and his abhorrence for bravado, for men that talk about women as disposable and sex objects, for not being able to enjoy a punk band, for the whiteness and maleness. krist novoselic was a 6'7 fucking bassist and dave grohl is a sizeable dude with hideous tattoos. back then, no one said a fucking bad thing about them. come as you are.

we know that suicide is a state we get into. when you go to a psych ward you see that it's actually calm and an ebb/flow. it is extremely fucking boring. the thing is we don't know if these feelings last forever. we can't go back and time and history cannot change. it was his decision, like jonghyun's, to end his life. but i know there could have been longer. if they got help. i try not to resent courtney especially not now with people being irresponsible and unearthing the FBI report on him. he killed himself but it was definitely emotionally sparred by her and she should have told people what happened weeks before his death.

but no one failed him per se. his suicide note is full of hope and it kills me to see. he should have been able to be whoever he wanted. been a son, been a daughter, been anything.

whenever i hear the changed lyrics or see him in a dress or hear distress i dont know. i wish we didnt lose him but i also know that no one wants to go back to that time. it wasn't necessarily great but it wasn't all bad. and i wish commodity didn't destroy legacy. i wish we werent's so obsessed with the death and gore instead of the liveliness and hilarity of this band and of kurt. and i wish we could talk about him more and the idea that maybe there's so much going on with it; i have many critiques for things they have done, things kurt has done as well.

i'm talking in circles but i genuinely just get bummed. every day he is still dead. but this dude man......i love him a lot. i'm so glad nirvana gave what they did to the world. getting to know kurt so long after the fact is fucking hard sometimes. it is frustrating. but focusing on the positives too or trying to understand another perspective has given me a lot of insight. and i always try and remember that it wasn't just one thing, that nirvana were a band, it wasn't just him, and he could have been better but it just didn't work out that way. it's not solely about his internal pain and the narrative of a tortured artist is suffocating.

he wanted to be a star, make this insane pop song, and when he got it he didnt realize it became everything he hated. he was already struggling and all this shit hit a point. i have mad respect for them still. dave grohl said billie eilish is the kurt of her gen (about 2 yrs ago) and that drives me up a wall for various reasons. antiblackness and class. fuck that. these dudes were poor as fuck trucking it through washington with other bands and the basis is blacness and black art they were trying to fight and make it and give a shit man. it didnt turn out the way they could handle but they were not PRIMIING themselvs for musical stardom. no artist who cares would do that. but if you get the recognition you want because who doesn't, it comes at a price too.

this is why i critique commodity and capital so intensely. i participate, and i will have to as an artist. i don't have a desire to be poor because i've lived a life that gave me space to see what i want to do. i have class privilege (and a lot of debt) and i am grateful. but it isnt like i dont want peopl eto know. it's just that i know that i can't give in and accept and demand nothing and then decide to hoard it to myself. taht money that goes in funnels out and is not for me to keep. there is no trickling down. dont paly yrself.

artists like kurt and in a sense like MF Doom (rapper who only came out to be seen when he wanted to) or DMX even it's like....man u came out fucking fighting to be heard you know. do your thing. make your shit. be amazing. esp black people. DMX had a fucking face for a camera. hopefully i'm gonna watch belly at my best friend's house on the 28th.

i wish everyone who deserves to stay can stay until their body releases them in the most pleasant way as possible. jessica walter's death made me sad, but she was older and i'm so happy she got to live. same with cicely tyson. at the same time, the young deaths over drugs, suicide, accidents....id on't really get it. why is kissinger alive but these people can't stay? how did this come a somber tale of death instead of just i fucking love kurt cobain lmao

he's def one of those ppl that im like u rock. him, robeson, seberg to an extent. hm who else. wong kar wai, jenkins, joe (thai filmmaker whose name i cant spell.) all those people who are running forward on their own and beating their chest. yea i like that. an award is just another award. what matters is possibility and action.

RATHER BE DEAD THAN COOL

#a thot

14 notes · View notes

meggannn · 7 years ago

Note

LOL YOUR ROOMMATE?? I can't stop laughing omg

god did i ever share the full story of what happened with my housemate last year? i think i bitched about her a little bit but here’s the full write-up of my six months with that housemate. unedited and probably full of errors and discrepancies sorry cause im going off entirely from memory

i’ve now moved out of this apartment, but i was there for a year with three other girls. two of them i got along with fine, and we introduced ourselves to each other before we moved in because that’s common courtesy to see if we get along right? but basically before any of us could talk or interview candidates for the last spot in the apartment, this girl, i’m making up a name and calling her emily, this random girl named emily basically came in and signed on for the spot on the lease without talking to any of us. uh, okay? so we eventually all get in a group chat and talk and introduce ourselves and plan to move in. day one: emily moved in before me and i moved in a few hours later. i walk in and see the kitchen and she’s already covered the fridge with magnets and pictures and paper clippings featuring…. herself. like, a few of them had her friends, but most of the pictures were of her. basically. am i crazy or is that fucking weird? so from the get-go she just seemed……. if not privileged (which i also knew she was later), then definitely some sort of weird type of entitled but i couldn’t tell if it was maybe just cultural differences? (she was russian but had grown up in the states. idk)

anyway. she had this boyfriend who would come over occasionally, it was no problem since we didn’t talk and just waved hi to each other occasionally. but from the first week she and another housemate who lived on the far end of the apartment were both having trouble sleeping because someone else on the floor was blaring their tv loudly all hours of the night in the room next door. after several weeks of not being able to sleep through the night, they’d pretty much had enough and managed to track down whose apartment it was, and it turned out to be this elderly black woman’s apartment. i don’t really know if the woman understood why they were so upset because i think she might have been going slightly senile as well, so i think maybe the tv, or the volume, was something she wasn’t entirely aware she was doing? but the other housemate, i’ll call her veronica (who is more chill but was still upset) understood that this was probably not a fight they wanted to pick. veronica noticed that the elderly woman had a middle-aged male visitor, who looked like family, come visit the woman a few times a week and take care of her/take out the trash etc, so veronica decided to wait until she saw the visitor again to talk to him about lowering the volume or turning the tv off, or maybe getting his relative headphones or something. but emily, like….. kept pushing it every single night. every single night for the first month or so she’d stomp across the floor and rap on the door loud enough to wake up the entire floor (the walls were thin and it wasn’t a big building). and most of the time the woman didn’t respond, but there was one notable time someone else got fed up enough to wake up at 2am and yell at emily (deservedly so) for waking up the whole hall. all of which i heard very clearly because my room was next to the main door to out apt.

things escalated when i overheard emily talking to her friend on the phone about the situation and then she mentioned that in retaliation, she went over in the middle of the night and put vaseline on the woman’s door handle. i was kind of stunned and disgusted that a grown ass adult (she’s at least a few years older than me, i’d guess late 20′s/early 30′s?) would do something like that???? but anyway a few nights later iirc, once again in the middle of the night, i was woken up by a shouting match down the hall because apparently the male relative had come back to check in on who he said was his mother, and HE WAS PISSED, UNDERSTANDABLY SO, AT FINDING MY ROOMMATE IN THE MIDDLE OF PUTTING VASELINE ON THE FLOOR CREVICE UNDER THE DOOR. LIKE. THAT’S NOT JUST PETTY BUT REAL FUCKING DANGEROUS TO DO TO AN ELDERLY WOMAN. he basically shouted at her and she kept talking about how she can’t sleep for months because of the noise, and whatever, but she stomped back to our apartment and they had this argument loudly at the door (remember, my room was right next to the front door). i listened to it for a couple minutes wondering if she would like, acknowledge what she did was wrong? and it became clear that she was so focused on the noise she wasn’t listening to this dude, so i came out and i tried to be a voice of reason. the guy was understandably really pissed that she would do something like that and i apologized for her and said she was wrong to do that (she had stomped off back to her room meanwhile) and he seemed grateful to talk to someone who wasn’t batshit crazy in the meantime so he mentioned that he had grown up in this building all his life before moving out so it hurt to see someone treat his mother this way who had lived here for 50 years or something. and after that i was just thinking like, jesus, this is so not the kind of fight you want to have with a family like this as a white woman in a gentrified apartment complex. like at some point you need to realize this is not your fucking place and if you must settle things, do it civilly or just dip out entirely.

i think emily eventually apologized and he accepted and they found out that the tv wasn’t even coming from the woman’s room at all, but from someone on the floor above who THEY also had had problems with for months.

veronica was away on a trip i think during this climax, but before, while it was still escalating, i was talking with veronica and veronica mentioned she and emily had bitched about the noise to each other often, but veronica said she drew the line when emily basically started making her complaints race-themed ever since she found out the elderly woman was black. etc the complaints turned from “it’s too loud” to “this neighborhood is so ghetto” and “that’s what black ppl are like” and stuff like that. veronica wasn’t cool with that, so she planned on handling any other complaints herself directly so she could resolve things like a normal person, but ever since veronica mentioned that i knew emily was a pos

emily also complained about people partying/drinking on the street outside till ~11pm, which imo isn’t too unreasonable, like normal people do, and basically being too loud or whatever. on some level i get it cause she had to go to sleep early to go to work early, but also at some point i was just wondering how she functioned as a human being in the real world

ANYWAY THE STORY I TELL AT PARTIES IS THIS ONE, THE ONE IN WHICH SHE LEAVES (i will try to keep this as short as possible while still giving you all the details you need to understand just how fucking weird it was):

in early november, emily group messaged everyone asking if her boyfriend could come live with us. to her credit she said she wouldn’t do it unless everyone was ok, and she waited to hear back from all of us. i was out of town at the time but i remember being really put off by this idea and i was going to say no, when i noticed that my two other housemates had ALREADY said yes in the chat. just like that. i was stunned. what? like, no follow-up questions or “we dont even really know him” or “how is this gonna work”? were they fucking insane?

i messaged her privately saying i really wasn’t comfortable with it, for xyz reasons. among those being 1) rent, because nowhere did she offer to split the rent five ways instead of four (they were basically going to split her room between them, which, no). 2) fridge/living space, which was small enough with four people to one apartment as it is, and 3) just overall “i dont fucking know him” atmosphere. she messaged back saying she understood, and i got to asking why this was so important to her to do now, because she mentioned she wanted to do it “asap” if we’d said yes.

and this is where my “no” turned into “hell fucking no.” she told me this:

in response to my question of if she’d want to put him on the lease, she said no, she wouldn’t want her boyfriend on the lease in case “something happens so she could just tell him to leave” (raising my question: what, exactly, do you expect to happen? maybe the landlord, who lives in the building, finding out someone’s living here illegally? bc THAT WOULD DO IT FOR ME)

she was marrying him in december which is why she wanted it to happen “soon” so they wouldnt be living apart. i asked why she couldnt just wait until the lease was up to do all this, to which she said:

her boyfriend’s green card (he was russian) had expired so he was now paying month to month and that’s when i realized, oh. bitch he’s using you for a green card marriage and you’re trying to inconvenience all of us instead of owning your life like an adult, or something

at some point during the conversation she like tried to bribe me with a couple hundred extra dollars per month “to cover the cost of the extra utlities/wifi/inconvenience,” which i politely declined. this was when i said basically “look i never got the sense you particularly liked living here (massive understatement) and i think that it’d work out best if you moved out, which you’re clearly already planning to do”

and she did start looking immediately. at some point while she was looking i overheard her talking to veronica mentioning that he was a huge fan of putin and she’d asked him to like, politely, stop?, lmao because she didn’t like his entire yknow politics, and he basically said “i’m sorry, i can’t betray my personal/national identity, i just really believe in putin” or whatever the fuck and i thought to myself, this bitch is marrying him anyway for some godforsaken reason

i don’t know why i hoped that she would be any more considerate moving out than when she moved in, but somehow i was still surprised when the sublet she picked out was someone she never introduced us to or mentioned before, she literally just said “hey here’s your new housemate and when she’s moving in” and dropped us a phone number and facebook page.

one last thing: while emily was moving out, veronica mentioned to me that she was really pleased i stood up to her because she felt massively uncomfortable with the situation too. i asked why she didn’t say something, and she said she talked to emily privately airing out her problems, and emily had managed to talk her into accepting that sort-of bribe privately off message, and emily told her ‘just say yes’ in the chat, so she did and was kind of kicking herself for it after. (our other housemate was off doing fuck knows what at this point; she was gone for weeks on end leaving us to take care of her guinea pigs for her with little to no warning.)

but then, veronica says, the big thing that astounds her is that this wasn’t even the same boyfriend who she’d had when she’d moved in. six months had passed by this point. SHE HAD BEEN DATING GREEN CARD GUY FOR LIKE, THREE MONTHS WHEN SHE DROPPED THIS ON US

and then she moved to fucking harlem, one of the yknow most diverse neighborhoods in the city known particularly for its black heritage, so i guess have fun honey

(her replacement somehow turned out to be just as bad as she was, so you can imagine why i was eager for my lease to end in may)

#stuff #Anonymous #askbox

18 notes · View notes

mummmarketmama · 7 years ago

Text

I choose...

The older and “wiser” I get the more I realize that we as humans are all in this battle mode, constantly fighting against the struggles and trials that life throws at us. Granted some of us seem to have bigger fights on our hands then others but regardless we are all fighting to get through this life in one piece.

However, I have also noticed through the hardest battles of my life God has sent me my greatest blessings. I look at my husband I mean WOW he is literally my greatest blessing and he came to me during one of the hardest and most painful places in my life. I look at each child I have, every single one of them were challenges to get them here alive and to stay alive myself, and yet they are amongst my greatest blessings. I mean Im not going to lie sometimes they are my biggest battles too...... but mostly blessing. My childhood was painful as well, never sure of myself and feeling abandoned and unwanted was one of those challenging feelings that I had to overcome. Yet, now I feel very loved and supported and have replaced many of the hurts and heartbreaks I have felt with good memories with my family.

I look at my incredible friends and what they have gone through.... Honestly I can hardly believe that some of them are still standing, and yet through their darkest times that I have been privileged to be their friend, we have grown closer. So while battles are hard, and devastating they teach us..... they teach us who we can be when life is harder then most can imagine, they can solidify our faith in God, they can show us in our future that there WAS a bigger plan all along, or they can rip us apart. It is our choice if we are going to stand again or not.

I choose to stand. I choose to look at the beauty around me and savor each moment. I choose to laugh uncontrollably with my children even when they haven't done what I wanted which is pretty much everyday ... I choose to dance that dang Shark dance song with my 2 year old and inhale her sweet baby scent and try to carefully store away these carefree moments of chasing around my sweet angel baby with her curly blonde locks. I choose to hug my child who hurts his family but shakes with uncontrollable anxiety and fear of life. I choose to get on my hands and knees to retrieve my husbands dirty socks that he shoves under his side of the bed and be grateful that I have socks to retrieve. I choose this life, I choose to be happy where I am through the hard times. I choose to love my friends and always listen to them and support them in their dreams and aspirations.

I choose life. I choose to not let the dark thoughts of not being good enough that seem to suck me away somedays, not win. I choose everyday to show my son that this hard life is something WORTH fighting for, and choosing to fight for it every single day. It is hard but it is worth it, and in the end it will make sense.

So for all those struggling out there today CHOOSE to look at the bright things, choose to see what you DO have, not what you don't. See the angel friends who know when to call you or invite you over for lunch. See the teachers who work so hard with your sweet children. Choose to be that example for those around you. Choose to change a life around you with a smile or a compliment. You decide, you choose what you can do......

#Ichooselife #suicideprevention #autismishard #mentaldisordersarehard #MummMarketMama #mummpartyof8 #motherhoodishard #itisworthit

2 notes · View notes

p101recaps · 8 years ago

Text

Broduce 101: Episode 9 (Quick Livestream Recap)

Firstly, I want to apologise for the lateness of this recap. I’ll try to be more timely for the remaining two episodes, I’m sorry.

This episode is all about the concept evaluations and the live performances for the next eliminations.

We start off in the Produce prison mansion, where BoA visits the waiting trainees. They’re always a bit starstruck with her lol

She reminds them this is the last elims before final 11, casts a degree of doubt about whether the cut off will be the top 22 ranks, then explains the voting system and benefits.

Although at this stage, these godawful live voting stages are increasingly important for the rankings, they continue to be stupid and easily manipulated in favour of the popular trainees regardless of their performances. I know this is supposed to be a true reality show or whatever, but the idea of giving a young audience more organised than Mnet so much power gives me a stress headache.

Anyway. The team that gets the most votes for their performance gets a 20,000 vote benefit and the trainee with the most votes gets a 100,000 vote benefit. The team with the most votes gets to perform at M!Countdown.

Each song has to have 7 members, and since Mnet’s crappy planning meant the trainees got split into teams before elims, they have to be reshuffled so every song has the same number of performers.

In true Lord of the Flies fashion, the boys have the privilege of kicking out their own teammate by ranking their group from first to last. This means a chunk of them have spent a week rehearsing for a song they won’t perform

The teams short of members pick from those trainees in order of highest ranking. Open, which has the most missing members has Kang Daniel pick first, followed by Showtime’s Yoon Jisung and finally I Know You Know Kim Taedong.

The kids from Oh Little Girl and Never get together to beg appeal to not be kicked out from their song

Never has Haknyeon saying he’ll work hard to keep his spot and not hold back the team

Minhyun says, flatly, ‘Yes. Hwaiting.’

Dead.

Most of them want to vote themselves as best to help their odds lol

Yoo Seonho, who is self aware: I don’t want to be first, I just want to be 7th. No wait. 6th? I should be confident.

Open has lost most of their team. They went from having Kim Seonglee to not having any main vocals to carry the song. They retained Baekho and Yongguk, so still not too shabby.

Sidenote: Little Lee Woojin is so smol amongst his hyungs with that little yellow beanie.

Oh Little Girl keeps their visuals and token singers Sewoon and Gunhee, which is smart considering how average the song is. They’ll need their fanvotes to win the Mnet performance so they kick out Moonbok.

Sacrilege but c’est la vie.

Never retains their strengths with a good mix of popular and talented boys. This group had way too many competent trainees so it was a closer battle, I reckon. Emperor Hwang Minhyun’s picks in almost the exact order stay.

Sungwoon and Lai Guanlin tie for 7th, and the top 6 vote between the two.

It ends with Sungwoon joining Seonho, Haknyeon, Youngmin for the cast out kids.

He’s embarrassed because he’s efficient and skilled but I’m significantly more bitter. As much as I like Guanlin, this is a bit disrespectful for someone like Sungwoon, who’s literally known for having everything but height. Even though Never doesn’t need too many vocally adept trainees, it’s the bandwagon song and therefore likely to have public appeal.

He’s cute though, straight up pandering to the Open team when they have to pick their new members by singing the song.

Open picks up Im Youngmin, Seonho and Hakneyon leaving Moonbok and Sungwoon for the next team.

Disrespectful, straight up.

Showtime has Yoon Jisung doing a startlingly accurate impression of Daniel before they chose Sungwoon for the high pitched vocals.

Moonbok makes his way to IKYK’s practice room to join the underdogs, who’re excited to see Pocahontas hyung.

Oh Little Girl has a mournful bgm at rehearsals as they have to decide on final positions after eliminations.

Minki has to work to secure broadcast minutes that Mnet has carefully avoided giving him by trying out for centre, and his teammates vote him in place, unseating Jihoon.

Main vocal has Gunhee and Sewoon battling it out for the position. They’re both good choices - the demo singer even sounded like Sewoon, who hasn’t been main vocal even once despite strengthening the background vocals every mission. The team does pick Sewoon this time, fortunately.

Bae Jinyoung wants to be sub-vocal, and is worried about his falling rank. He’s not ambitious enough to try to be main vocal at least, but those vocal techniques confuse me with that inherent smooth tone. The kid is young, and can be easily improved though, maybe a few months of SM styled vocal boot camp?

Showtime has a still (rightly) pouty Sungwoon want to be centre in his new team. His whole team laughs, with co-HOTSHOT member Noh Taehyun cackling particularly loudly at his sheepish announcement.

Auntie Jisung references Jessi from Unpretty Rapstar, yelling, ‘THIS IS COMPETITION,’ and pinches his nose bridge like the drama queen he is.

Centre nominees try the guitar stringing ‘killing part’ to appeal for the spot and Brave’s Samuel wins the spot.

Sungwoon tries stealing the sticker out of sheer desperation OTL

Ah, I don’t like the song so much but this group has so many of my faves.

They actually start rehearsing and come to a realisation.

Noh Taehyun: The centre needs to be able to sing well too.

Kim Samuel, who is an extremely competent dancer by anyone’s standards, can’t sing above his speaking range. Again, easily fixed by a year or two of concentrated training. He’s only sixteen and his voice must have dropped like a summer ago

IKYK’s Kwon Hyunbin wants to be leader. The team votes him in over BNM Donhyun and he does Auntie Jisung’s clapping in celebration

Mnet, how many kids are you going to give the Sohye edit, this is getting out of fucking control.

Picking centre is particularly sad with most of the contenders well aware they’re going to be eliminated. They vote Taedong in, displacing poor Donghan.

Open team has Kenta, Seonho and Haknyeon do expression acting to appeal for centre. Kenta pulls a face to loosen his facial muscles before trying, and is embarrassed although he’s not bad. Haknyeon is good too.

Seonho can’t hit the notes and tries a vocal trick Shin Yumi taught the kids. This sort of stuff about the Cube chicks impresses me because they’ve really absorbed every learning opportunity on this show like sponges. They’re still far from debut ready and I wouldn’t want them to debut in BOI over the older trainees but it appeals to my Asian sensibilities to see them working hard if nothing else.

Baekho: You can’t ask someone to press down on your forehead on stage.

So it comes down to Jeju pig boy and Japanese puppy.

Joo Haknyeon gets voted as centre and then struggles with everything.

Pledis Dongho gets GodJonghyun edit, practicing with the kid to help him improve. He points out that Haknyeon’s confidence is far from being at par with his skill level.

Never team votes Emperor Hwang as centre over Guanlin. Not shocking, considering the difference in ability.

Ong-ssi hits the nail on the head as always as they practice, pointing out that they don’t really have to deal with shuffling and learning of the song so rehearsals are smooth and quick. It also helps that most of them are highly competent.

There’s a bit about Ong Sungwoo being Mnet’s human slate. Cute.

Also cute is Brand New Music’s Park Woojin finally being comfortable enough to be the kid he is, surrounded by hyungs. I found a subbed cut, which you can see here because I can’t do justice to this positive filler bit that I would be happy to see more of @mnet.

Important takeaway - Sweet puppy Park Woojin and gang are being taught variety by Ong-ssi

Final concept performance day!

Far out, look at the bank the show is making with those crowds. Girls are easily the backbone of capitalism. It’s amazing considering how much effort the industry puts into putting women down.

Anyway, kpop legend tiny Queen BoA looks fire emoji in her red pantsuit.

Aw seeing the eliminated trainees always makes my soul ache.

The composers are attending too. You gotta have all those unnecessary reaction shots am I right ha ha HA

The composers visit during rehearsals for a check in. Not many women there either lol Hashtag bitter female tears

Showtime gets primarily positive reactions at the check in. They have high energy while performing which suits the song’s up tempo disco vibe. Samuel’s vocal get a boost because his voice doesn’t waver.

The team’s live performance is enjoyable. The average skill ability in this group of trainees is also rather high. It looks very polished, and they all look like they’re enjoying the stage, which always makes me happy to see.

Sanggyun, who receives his usual amount of absolutely no screentime, is memorable in my opinion. So handsome.

The choreo is fun more than complicated. Easy standouts are Auntie Jisung dancing Pick Me and the inclusion of RBW puppy Dongmyung’s warming up limb flapping dance. Samuel does well with the dance break, the Ardor and Able trainees remain excellent performers as always.

They all keep calling it their possible last stage and Auntie Jisung looks like he’s going to cry again. It hurts because it could be true.

Probably the shortest screentime for the group with my personal faves. Deeply grateful as always, Mnet.

Next up is my top song pick for Concept evals, I Know You Know.

Their wardrobes are particularly pretty. Thank you stylists for Moonbok’s look.

At check in with the composers, they get a bit of shake down because of their lack lustre initial performance. I’m not surprised because Joombas is really high profile, someone who works with famous singers. The team has competent but not excellent trainees.

Hyunbin’s been getting a good edit as he makes up for the effort for the first evals where Mnet basically shoved him off a cliff, with a GodJonghyun inspired leader attitude.

It’s a bit annoying because good god don’t we have enough Brohyes.

Still, I’d rather this than kids being thrown sacrificed to the netizen flames.

Product placement.

The final performance is good. Kim Yehyun’s voice wavers out of place at parts but sweet boy Seo Sunghyuk is unexpectedly very stable considering the very energetic choreo. Donghyun, Donghan and Taedong remain reassuringly good and completely ignored. Hyunbin’s voice doesn’t sound as out of place as it did last mission while Moonbok proves he’s capable of idol rap with his smooth delivery. The choreo is exhausting but none of their voices are strained (they also probably have their studio recorded tracks playing so this may not be a matter of skill)

Open is next up, with the boys looking unreasonably good in their black suits.

Well, Daniel, Dongho and Kenta anyway. I take a minute to pray to the wardrobe team again. I’m not a Daniel fan in particular but my word, the boy looks fine.

Haknyeon messes up with typical Mnet camera focus at pre-performance check in. The composers can’t even pick one standout trainee.

The team convene to re-discuss centre with Haknyeon not being about to live up to his desire and confidence. Again, lack of training and age comes into play here, but wanting to take on things he can’t handle yet is not helping him.

Center swaps to Kim Yongguk, who doesn’t even get a clear shot of his face for the occasion.

Haknyeon gets Sexy Bandit’s thumbs up of approval at recording, after working hard for his second consecutive redemption arc.

It could be the editing, but Daniel hasn’t been a very effective leader this mission either.

Product placement.

They come to check out the stage during dress rehearsal with the bed and slick set.

Kenta: It’s rather adult (as far as I know, the word can mean dirty or sexy depending on context but I think adult sounds appropriate here).

I agree. Seonho’s too young for this one.

With the song and choreo being handed to them being what it is, this performance was looking to be one of my more anticipated ones, but the boys do a great job too. Daniel comes off more as centre than Yongguk but I can’t fault him because he does a really good job. Kenta is a visual standout too

It could be the editing, but Yongguk fades among the others although he keeps up well enough. Seonho’s vocals are satisfactory considering where he started out, there are bits where his dancing is still slightly awkward though. Same with Haknyeon, which is strange because I thought that was his strongest field. He’s visibly out of sync at times, even to my tired eyes. Maybe he doesn’t practice to beats, because he had the same issue in Right Round

This may be Sexy Bandit Pledis Baekho’s stage though. He’s beyond reproach. I’d call him oppa if he wanted me to.

They get an encore chant!

Fully deserved, because both the song and their performance of it was debut group level.

Oh Little Girl next

A lot of visual hype kids here. Costumes are terrible though, bits and pieces from earlier performances and maybe Park Jihoon’s personal closet?

That song name though....

Jihoon does the aegyo I’ve seen from the cute Monsta X rapper. It’s cringey on him too.

At performance check in, the producers acknowledge that the song may well have been tailored to Sewoon. Bae Jinyoung makes a few mistakes though.

Cue mournful music and cuts of his confidence issues.

Sewoon helps him practice and he’s better at recording. Kids like this usually are. He definitely could be a competent idol singer if someone gives him focused help.

In the practice rooms, Minki has some issues while rehearsing, and there’s friction between him and the younger kids. Jihoon leaves the room with a door slam that freezes the others, and they have to gather to talk because Jihoon feels like Minki is upset with him.

This time Minki slams the door behind him as he exits.

Sewoon is getting visibly worked up at this conflict.

Is Mnet finally getting genuine drama footage without manipulative editing?

No. It’s another one of those birthday camera pranks that Korean variety producers still think are entertaining.

Gunhee comes in with a cake and you can see the tension melt out of Jihoon’s face and he smiles the most genuine smile I’ve seen since his first time ranking first.

Lol Sewoon thinks the cake’s just for Jihoon and starts clapping until the trainees sing his name too. Cute.

Minki does his shoulder expanding thing for dress rehearsals at coach Shin Yumi’s request. Sewoon gets well deserved praise for his vocals and Bae Jinyoung gets his confidence boost since this is probably his team mission individual edit for the season.

The final performance is cute, easily carried vocally by Sewoon and Gunhee. The others are also good, no visible mistakes. The song is still rather average, the choreo elevated by the boys performing it. They’re all adorable, their good looks helping save the tragic outfits. Minki was an appropriate centre. Hyungseob pulled out a rose out of nowhere mid performance, which seems perfectly in character for the kid.

I wouldn’t seek the song out to listen to, it’s one of those throwaway b-sides on mini albums, but watching it this one time was really fun. This truly was Sewoon’s performance, it fit him well.

Kahi: Ai, cute~

Pretty much.

We get to the final performance, Never.

Hyuna visits the team to cheer them up at rehearsals and the boys are instantly distracted at the sight of her. Minhyun keeps practising while the boys start to greet, but later reassures the camera that he was excited too.

He’s probably seen all of SNSD and other prolific girl groups while promoting the last few years, it makes sense for him to be less fazed. He’s also from the company that (miraculously still) houses Nana.

But its Hyuna.

Meanwhile, the trainees outside gather outside, pressing their faces to the glass door to stare at Hyuna.

Baby chick Seonho: Oh, they’re from our company! :D

She turns to look at them and they almost faint in excitement. She cutely greets them as she exits, leaving behind an echo of longing sighs as she tends to do

At check in with all the composers, they do well enough. Kenta in particular is appreciative. A lot of trainees proceed to hype them up.

There’s something awkward about the blond Pentagon kid talking like an authority in front of the Nu’est members. I’m not the kind to go in for hierarchy over achievement but I’d be annoyed, like who are you brat lol

They go to visit Cube, and see Guanlin’s untidy locker with his Korean books

AND THE EPISODE HIGHLIGHT

THE CUBE CHICKS WERE ORIGINALLY GOING TO AUDITION FOR P101 WITH TROUBLEMAKER

Why didn’t they? I loved it! I’d have rooted for them earlier on!

Guanlin’s excited to practice a routine that requires skills he didn’t have earlier, at his company with his hyungs, who coo at him.

Every time Hyuna says something nice at studio recording, the boys flush with happiness.

Daehwi’s smile spilts his face when she praises his tone

The words “Guanlin sounds like a native Korean” are said, which make my eyes roll out of my head. I’ve said multiple times I love how much the chicks improved and it’s clear that Guanlin is finding his groove as a trainee, but let’s not exaggerate because he’s handsome. It is, however, true that his words are getting clearer and less obviously accented.

Jaehwanie can rap too! I look forward to seeing him get signed to a good company after this (@Starship, you don’t have any worthy female groups anymore so you might as well add to your male talents)

Park Woojin’s rapping is really good but he can’t sigh?? It’s endearing too. He re-tries at his interview. A true cutie. I hope he recovers quickly and gets to debut. This episode has made me triply fond of him.

The final performance begins after this extreme hyping and screentime allocation.

Three seconds in, Sunghyuk, calmly: It’s over (for us).

I’ve said multiple times I don’t like the song (I still can’t remember it as being anything special and the fuss around it makes me resent EDM even more), but I can admit that the performance was great. The collection of talent and visuals make the choreo work smoothly, a stage that could easily be an M!Countdown performance. Jaehwan and Woojin were particularly spectacular, specially considering that Woojin was ill. Daehwi and Minhyun deliver, as always.

The only negatives I have are that the while the costumes looked nice, they seemed ill suited to the concept and not the colours you usually see on broadcast performances. Beige? Come on. How do you work lighting for something like that? Green or a dark red would have been so nice.

We see a shot of Mnet staff counting the votes. Don’t worry, we don’t suspect you of anything here, Mnet. I’m blaming the live audience.

The results bring over the sheer shameless fuckery of the last mission.

5. I Know You Know 83 (Did I not call this?)

4. Showtime 135

3. Oh Little Girl 398

Totally warranted considering the number of popular trainees in each team.

BoA references Ong-ssi’s hyperbole speech when asking about his chances about winning, and he uses every single adjective again to express his confidence about his team placing first.

She then asks Baekho, and he one ups Ong-ssi by adding the Japanese adjective for ‘very’ (cut to Kenta laughing) as well as the Mandarin.

2. Never 443 1. Open 552

So there is some sort of fairness in the world! Thank you, good lord in heaven!

....female fans really like sexy concepts.

Kenta and Seonho’s handsome faces reach new levels of meme

Daniel is stunned. Getting banned from Never was an act of god for him and his fans.

Nation’s Leader Angel GodJonghyun makes an appropriately congratulatory comment.

Live vote rankings without benefits for individual trainee rankings are below:

Unrevealed

Maroo Park Jihoon

Brand New Music Park Woojin

Pledis Hwang Minhyun

C9 Bae Jinyoung

Unrevealed

Cre.Ker Joo Haknyeon

Brand New Music Lee Daehwi

CUBE Yoo Seonho

Chun Kim Yongguk

Brand New Music Im Youngmin

Next week, feel good fillers and third eliminations before heading into finale for top 11! Man, is this nonsense getting increasingly, unpredictably intense.

#p101 #p101 recaps #p101s2 #produce 101 season 2 #produce 101 #produce 101 recaps #broduce 101 #broduce 101 recaps #p101 spoilers #p101se2 spoilers #broduce 101 spoilers

83 notes · View notes

possibilistfanfiction · 8 years ago

Note

hey jude!!! just read ur last anon abt being nb and wondered if u could talk abt ur own gender experience?

well basically i didnt grow up in a very open household, like rly Zero discussion of gender, so i know i Experienced gender entirely but i played almost exclusively with the boys in my class until probably grade 6 or 7, & at puberty, even tho i was a better athlete than most boys in my class still, i started hanging out with girls more, at recess, etc. i was always into androgyny, even if i had no idea (& i didn’t) what that was—i liked some femme things, absolutely, but i wanted nothing to do w skirts or pretty shoes. i wanted to be in adidas running sneakers 24/7 if i could help it, & i wore a uniform to school w the option of a skirt/pants, & im p sure i always wore pants. at the time this, to me, seemed more functional, & it was, but it was also, as i can understand now, something that made me feel Less like a girl, although not at all like a boy.

when i was older, 12, 13, 14, my parents wanted me to dress nicer, & i was v much into like american eagle shit, although by mid hs i was into some vintage stuff. one rly big odd style influence for me was mia wasikowksa in this weird movie called restless bc it was this v soft femme androgyny & i think for me this kind of gender expression became very important to see & understand. it wasn’t that she didn’t look like a girl, or that she wasn’t a girl, but she also sometimes looked like a boy, or wore boys clothes, but she wasn’t butch. idk this movie sent me for a loop honestly lol.

& obviously my understanding of gender expression didn’t correlate (& doesn’t correlate!) w so many gender identities, & “passing” is extremely harmful as a notion, etc. but when i was younger my understanding of gender & sexuality was very limited & began to expand when i saw very femme but still andro ppl, even tho i couldn’t articulate it at the time.

when i was a teenager i knew i didnt want to rly have a single thing to do w any boy, which made me sure i was a lesbian bc thats the only narrative i’d rly known abt queerness, or queer women, or even queer ppl who presented as femme. there werent any out lesbians at my school (no fucking way), & the only out queer kid at all was a white gay guy a year older than me, who was popular in the way white gay boys can be popular in high school. but i read voraciously, was fascinated by the crossdressing in shakespeare (paris in the merchant of venice was a particular fixation of mine?) & anyway. i knew i was queer, i knew i liked girls, & i knew i was outrageously uncomfortable w my body, particularly my breasts. for a long time i thought this was because i was ashamed of my sexuality, when i came to sort of understand that, but ofc now i know abt dysmorphia & dysphoria, so yknow. knowledge.

when i went to college i came out big time, & it became very important to me to both be queer & look sort of queer but not queer enough to be Queer—i wanted ppl to be like ‘maybe into girls, but maybe straight.’ as im sure many of us know, this was a lot of internalized shame abt a lot of things, so that sucks. however, i cut my hair which was like the first comfortable thing i had done for my appearance in a v long time, & also smth which my parents hated & i did anyway. i wore a Lot of rly femme stuff bc they hated it tho? so this was all v confusing for me bc my parents are v homophobic, & here i was in college starting to read queer theory & gender theory & falling in love w like. the most beautiful, brilliant girl, & also spiraling into a mixed episode after i got diagnosed w bipolar I, which sort of put everything else on the backburner for a year.

eventually tho i sorted that out (as much as u can sort smth like that out) & i started to rly pay attention to androgyny. i went to europe & i think theres a whole bunch of nuances to fashion that exist there that certainly arent here, & i spent a winter in warsaw so there were aspects to fashion & expression there that were entirely abt functionality, which i was v attracted to. in college, as well, & especially after college, gender became smth i was v much invested in bc i was (& absolutely am) a feminist, so my place in the canon & zeitgeist was one as a queer female writer. it was so so central to who i was, & what i was writing abt. every single thing i wrote in college was in some way a balm, some sort of piece abt myself, learning abt trauma & the body. sorting through a lot of hurt. i could write a theory piece abt elizabeth bishop & reading it back now i know it was also abt me, that kinda stuff.

when i went to toronto i rly rly started being invested in looking critically at gender & my experience of it bc being read as a woman was smth that was grating on me, even tho i had identified as woman for so long, & had no desire at all to transition. i know 100% i am not a trans man, so that was confusing for a long time because i sort of knew there was a space between but it was very hard to conceptualize. eventually i sort of came to understand gender is a color wheel where cis boys are blue & cis women are pink & then theres literally a ton of other colors out there, so yknow. lots of different experiences of gender. some days i feel much more strongly like i identify w women (in mostly political situations, it matters to me to be read as “female” sometimes bc rights for ppl w vaginas AND trans women are FUCKED UP in so many places). some days i hate the idea of identifying as a woman. i also never want to identify as a man. so when i was in toronto i rly started to know a LOT of queer ppl w so many different expressions of gender. & we were all young & lovely & open & fucked up & we would get fucked up but we would also go read together in the park & wander around alleys in the snow & like. there’s a Muchness to toronto that i experienced that helped me, personally, understand these intersections between my own sexuality & gender & expression as much more than just a gay woman who isn’t butch & isn’t femme. i was rly lucky to become part of a community that identified as Queer, & so i became v much understanding of these different aspects of my own identity that fell outside of binary—my sexuality, my gender. Queerness is a vital & profound thing to me & i was rly able (& so fortunate) to have a close friend group of mostly queer ppl & then a few of the actual literally most incredible allies i’ve ever known & will ever know.

so then from there i just rly kinda thought abt things & like i got a binder & stuff in TO but rly started to evaluate my dysmorphia & dysphoria (i had struggled really badly w an eating disorder in/post college) & was able to sort out that so much of it had to do w feeling uncomfortable in the way my body was read in the world. & that will always happen bc i LOVE makeup & i have a “feminine” voice & sometimes i love skirts & i shave my legs bc i like how it feels sometimes & i dont ever want to go on T—none of these things make anyone ANY gender, but ofc theyre coded as “female.” but i’m learning to just yknow educate where i can & take a lot of solace in the community of ppl i have fostered who support & understand my Being. i’ve also allowed myself to be invested in aesthetics & fashion & how much a role that plays bc like. yah fuck Yah i look cool shit bc my friends love it & absolutely i wanna wear the same vans maia mitchell has & i want a melodrama hoodie & i LOVE local toronto designers & their angsty patches abt sad songs & whiskey but i love fashion born out of histories that is connected to smth i can understand, like queer punk movements, or smth my friends & i share, like blundstones (which are gender neutral, which is cool). i’m fascinated in how ppl express their Selves, & we are so unfortunately Finite in our bodies in the sense that that’s rly how the world, in our day to day interactions, processes who & what we are. so i invest in the care of mine by trying to listen to it, trying to make it comfortable—& clothing is a huge thing that can do that. also its fun so anyone who thinks loving (ethical, cool) fashion is vain can eat my ass

anyway lmao now i have a p decent sense, atm at least, of what makes my body its most comfortable (even if that is v far from Comfortable at times). i love my tattoos, & i basically never rly want long hair again i’m p sure, & i love makeup, & if i could wear vans or blundstones every day for the entirety of my life at this point that would be incredible. those are easy things, & i try to allow my body, in its cultural place, to have access to them as much as possible, which is so important to me in a sense of having access to a physical space that matches my mental space of gender identity. politically sometimes i feel v v much a “woman” in terms of my lived experience, & i allow that of myself as well. sometimes when i write it’s important to me that my poetry be read as a queer person but also someone who is culturally coded as a woman, bc those are still always central concerns of my work—the trauma, the power there. but day to day i’m mostly happy spending my time obsessing over other things, like what to call this new genre of music halsey & lorde are making, or why my dog stevie is a Fanatic when it comes to ice cubes. ive come to enough terms w my gender, & my sexuality—& the expression thereof—that unless someone is talking abt gender, or someone asks me a question, it’s not smth that is constantly on my mind, which is. Nice. its so nice lol.

also i would like to point out that i know my experience being non binary is rly rly white & western in so many ways & i get that. my cultural experience of non binary gender is also v much this like. ive felt frustrated before but never in my life have i felt scared to be non-binary while i was like out & abt in the world, bc i still pass as a cis white woman literally everywhere all the time (which has its pros & cons but like, still, a lot of privilege). so i do try to keep all of that in mind as well when i try to center myself & all that jazz

& who tf knows where all of that will take me. i feel like, bc ive learned to listen to my body & my brain so much better than i did when i was younger—even when they might hate themselves—i am so much better at filling up a space in the world that occupies smth healthy. which is not smth i take lightly, & i’m also so open to changes, as long as they feel good & beneficial & true. which is sort of new for me. who knows man ur mid twenties are a wild ride

27 notes · View notes

janzz · 6 years ago

Text

things im grateful for

in no particular order:

putting this in a keep reading tab because some are indicative of privilege and i’m not tryna boast or be insensitive of the struggles of others... ya...

my college education on many levels--> leaving my sd bubble, forced independence, getting smacked in the face with humility because i was no longer that smart compared to others, some life long friends, met my current partner through a friend from davis, all the jobs/doors that were opened to me for a university of california diploma

my health/body -- very rarely have i been unable to participate, do, try or push myself in an activity. and that’s wonderful. i wanna give a shoutout to my knees because ruining them in half marathons and runner’s knee and the journey its taken to be able to even jog again has been a lot of good perspective

being able to afford PRK for my eyes + having better than 2020 vision as a result. im honestly at awe at this one practically everyday. literally EVERYTHING is so much more magical or that more convenient by just being able to see. a dog sticking its head out several cars away, seeing street signs, knowing if i were to get in trouble/zombie apocalypse, my vision wouldn’t be a detriment and so on. this one’s pretty new. itll be 1 year on aug 24.

making enough money in the bay area (one of the most expensive places to live in the us) to not feel like im struggling or have to count every penny. --i’ve never felt this way about money and its still jarring to feel this way at 27. im a child of immigrants and like many of my millennial peers was grossly underpaid for all of the beginning of postgrad

having a job that allows me to travel. so far i’ve gone to san diego a lot and went to tucson last month. im hoping to go to reno and india in the next few months.

having family, friends and partner that love and support me that i can count on. granted this one isn’t perfect -- my relationship with my parents is strained at the moment-- mostly because of my apathy and negligence in growing these connections and i do feel drift some friendships, but i think this is the normal ebb and flow of the ppl in and out of our lives

living in a place where i have access to birth control and generally its not TOO awful to be a woman. (we can make a lot of progress on this as a society but ya i’m glad/privileged to live in california)

having philosophical problems/existential crises -- because it means im getting my maslow’s hierarchy of needs met in such a way that i have time, energy + resources to think about these things and worry about the meaning of life and all that bullshit

ive been very lucky to have experienced lots of music and cheap travel across the united states because of southwest’s companion pass. ive been to all the “big” ones like coachella and outsidelands. upon reflection, i’ve seen practically every dj or artist i’ve ever cared about perform live. some of them ive even seen multiple times! i also was lucky to go the philippines every other summer and just see for myself how life is different across the globe. recently i got to go to vancouver and although canada is similar it was nice to experience it.

generally just all my mac/apple products and how they connect me to people i care about. also that i can afford them because lets be real their prices and how they phase out older models is BULLSHIT

my paid off car. i paid for most of my car-- i think it was like 15k ish. my parents paid 3k and i paid off the remainder. “The Bat” has taken me so many places and has helped me move between norcal and socal so many times its hard to count. The Bat safely delivers me to work, to fun, to ppl I love. It’s the place where I’ve listened to countless podcasts or jammed out to a spotify playlist in hours of traffic. it may not be a tesla or a fancy car but it gets me from a to b and has done so since 2013 or so. having a car allows me to go wherever i want when i want and that’s something i dont want to take for granted.

these are just a few

but yeah

im lucky

0 notes

limejuicer1862 · 6 years ago

Text

Wombwell Rainbow Interviews

I am honoured and privileged that the following writers local, national and international have agreed to be interviewed by me. I gave the writers two options: an emailed list of questions or a more fluid interview via messenger. The usual ground is covered about motivation, daily routines and work ethic, but some surprises too. Some of these poets you may know, others may be new to you. I hope you enjoy the experience as much as I do.

Magdalena Ball

was born in New York City, where she grew up. After gaining an honours degree in English Literature from the City University of New York (CCNY), she moved to Oxford to study English Literature at a postgraduate level. After a brief return to the US, she then migrated to NSW Australia, where she now resides on a rural property with her husband and three children. While in Australia she received a Masters degree in Business from Charles Sturt University and a Marketing degree from the University of Newcastle. Magdalena runs the respected review site Compulsive Reader. Her short stories, editorials, poetry, reviews and articles have appeared in a wide number of printed anthologies and journals, and have won local and international awards for poetry and fiction. She is the author of the poetry books Unmaking Atoms, Repulsion Thrust and Quark Soup, the novels Black Cow, and Sleep Before Evening, a nonfiction book The Art of Assessment, and, in collaboration with Carolyn Howard-Johnson, the Celebration Series poetry books Sublime Planet, Deeper Into the Pond, Blooming Red, Cherished Pulse, She Wore Emerald Then, and Imagining the Future. She also runs a radio show, Compulsive Reader Talks. In addition to her writing, Magdalena is a Research Support Lead for a multinational company, and regardless of what she’s doing, will usually be found with a book or two in one form or another, sneaking time for reading.

The Interview

1. When and why did you begin to write poetry?

I honestly cannot remember a time when I wasn’t writing poetry. It feels very natural to me to express myself poetically, probably because I grew up with a lot of poetry around me, from Dr Seuss and Maurice Sendak to the songs my mother, who was in a rock band, was writing and singing or the poetry my uncle set to music including literary giants like Edna St Vincent Millay, Frank O’Hara, WB Yeats and Emily Dickinson. Poetry has always been part of my environment. I created a lot of handmade ‘zines, themed booklets and celebration poems for friends when I was growing up, but my first official publication was a full centre-page spread in a Greenwich village magazine while I was an undergraduate. I’ve lost the publication now though I kept the clipping for years, but the buzz of that first publication was pretty intense.

2. Who introduced you to poetry?

I think I’d have to say my parents. They both read to me a lot – and there was poetry in the children’s books I loved (Sendak and Seuss come to mind immediately because I also bought and read many books by those two authors for my own children, but there were many books I loved when I was very young like The Story of Ping by Marjorie Flack, Goodnight Moon by Margaret Wise Brown, and Harold and the Purple Crayon by Crocket Johnson, all of which became introductions for me to what language can do as an art form, and how poetic language in particular can convey complex ideas in ways that jump past the intellect using rhythm, correspondence and imagery. I always had a visceral response to the books that were read to me, perhaps because my parents were very good readers and tended to act out the work and engage me in the process by talking to me about what they were reading, letting me fill in words and take over when I was ready. I’m deeply grateful to them for this early gift, which to be honest, I didn’t properly recognise until I was much older. Beyond being read to, I was pretty heavily influenced by my uncle, the composer Ricky Ian Gordon, who not only set a lot of superb poems to music – the sound of which formed a backdrop to my childhood as I spent a lot of time at my grandparents’ house where Ricky, who is only 10 years older than me, was growing up, but also he was always recommending and gifting books to me. I remember a book pack he gave to me when I was around 12 after he read some of my poems. I still have the books, which include Plath’s Ariel, Sexton’s Live or Die, Brecht’s Manuel of Piety and Rimbaud’s The Drunken Boat – none of which were age appropriate (!) but they certainly left a mark on me – like many young women I became a bit obsessed with Plath in particular for a while! Even now, when I see him he’ll usually recite a poem by heart to me from someone he personally knows or has recently discovered which will immediately blow me away.

3. How aware were and are you of the dominating presence of older poets?

I’d be lying if I said I didn’t suffer from imposter syndrome regularly as a writer. However, I have always been a confident reader. The delight I take in other people’s words is something that has bolstered me since I was very (possibly too) young. I think it’s fair to say that nearly all writers, no matter how famous, need and love attentive readers and reading is my happy place. So whenever I don’t feel like I’m writer enough to match the company I’m keeping (and that company may be on the page rather than in the flesh though I have been lucky enough to meet some intimidatingly good writers), I’m always able to fall back on the joy of delighting in the words of others. It’s a great privilege I think to be able to just pay attention to art that is exquisite. The sheer joy of that deep engagement is something that I think transcends age, fame, and even genius. It’s connection that is very primal and powerful and wipes out jealousy, intimidation and domination. That said, I’m always actively seeking diversity in my reading as I’m conscious that the “dominating presence of older poets” is really partly determined by a canon that isn’t necessarily very diverse. I’m actively trying to read as diversely as possible, not only because it is healthy to be exposed to what challenges you, but also because nuance and exquisite beauty can often be found in under-represented writers that isn’t so easy to find in some of the bigger, more famous names that are treated as “classics”. So I will sometimes deliberately resist that domination.

4. What is your daily writing routine?

I think it would be a rare day when I didn’t write something, but aside from that I just write whenever I can, often in brief snatches here and there, or while everyone else is watching television in the evening once the hubbub of the day has eased off. I have done things like pulled my car over to the side of the road to write something down that came to mind; written poems during business meetings; stirred something on the stove with one hand while writing with the other – you get the idea. I have three children and a day job so can’t really be precious with the time. Poetry is particularly flexible that way and can be fitted into a tight schedule but I have to admit that fiction is harder for me to write in short bursts which is why I’ve been writing a lot of poetry over the past few years.

5. What motivates you to write?

I’m not really sure what motivates me! It’s kind of instinctual. If I don’t write almost every day I find I’m not at my best – I get cranky – some variation of hangry – like there’s a hunger that needs satiating. Being able to sit down, even for just a few minutes, and put something down in writing is part of what my body needs each day – like food, water, exercise, sleep. It’s just part of how I live in the world. I get a lot of pleasure from extrinsic motivations like publication, praise (poets seem to me to be particularly supportive of one another and I’m so grateful for the gorgeous community I feel very much bolstered by), the odd tiny financial reward, and being able to perform/read/connect with readers – they’re all really wonderful perks, but the practice of writing is something I do regardless of those things.

6. What is your work ethic?

I was born and raised in New York, and it may just go with the territory but I think my work ethic has always been a little bit too strong. I have really tried to ease back on my work ethic – to be more present; to take more time on quality over quantity; to slow down a little bit and not feel like I have to be ticking every box on a daily to-do list. That said, I’m always feeling the tug to get one more thing done today. I’m trying to plan a little bit less, and to be more open as I get older.

7. How do the writers you read when you were young influence you today?

See question 2. The writers I read when I was young have had a massive influence on me – they’ve helped formed my identity and not just as a writer. I honestly don’t think I’d be the same person if I hadn’t read so much Maurice Sendak as a child. I still get a little shiver of excitement thinking about Little Bear’s trip to the moon or that wordless page of the wild rumpus in Where the Wild Things Are. I also was heavily influenced as a young adult by writers like Czesław Miłosz who I saw perform at Princeton when I was about 17, and I used to hang around the St Marks Poetry Project around that time hoping one day I might just end up having a conversation with Patti Smith, Jim Carroll, Allen Ginsberg or Anne Waldman. I was always too shy to approach them (see question 3), but I knew very strongly then that this was a place I felt at home and that theses were voices that resonated with my young self. I took a lot of that in and it helped form my identity.

8. Who of today’s writers do you admire the most and why?

I love so many writers that the answer to this question could go on for about 20 pages! It never fails to amaze me how much superb work just keeps coming out. I’m very lucky to be a book reviewer and so I get a lot of books. I certainly don’t like everything but I get at least one book a week that is excellent, often by someone I never heard of before. I know that the minute I commit a name to paper I’ll have missed out someone critical or maybe I’ll read someone tomorrow and by the time this goes to air I’ll be sad I didn’t include them. So instead of answering this question I might just ‘gather some paradise’ (to steal a phrase from the wonderful PoemTalk podcast) and talk about a few poets that I’ve recently read whose work I like. Please note that this is a snapshot of the work I’ve been in contact with over the past month or so and is in no way comprehensive! Tracy K Smith’s latest book Wade in the Water is just so good. You can read the title poem here: https://www.poetryfoundation.org/poems/147467/wade-in-the-water Another poet whose work gets me everytime is Danez Smith’s Don’t Call Us Dead. I don’t even know why but the book has brought me to tears several times and even now, I’m thinking of the title poem. I’m right in the middle of reading Anne Casey’s Where the Lost Things Go which is just so warm and lovely – so rich with empathy and compassion, and so very relevant. Another book I recently read and loved was Ali Whitelock’s And My Heart Crumples Like a Coke Can, which is hysterically funny, raw, sad and uplifting all at the same time. Both Anne and Ali are people I recently met and immediately became friends with – it was like we’ve known each other for years and we instantly began planning collaborations, tours, tweeting about one another’s work, etc. I’m so happy to give their wonderful books a shout-out.

9. Why do you write? Probably answered in question 5.

10. What would you say to someone who asked you “How do you become a writer?”

At the risk of sounding like Yoda (it wouldn’t be the first time), there is no ‘become’ – if you want to write, write. Don’t waste too much time dreaming about it or making elaborate promotional plans (something I have been guilty of). Just get on with it. Write what you like to read best or what you feel compelling to write. Or pick a competition and begin working towards a submission. Push asdie the doubt and discomfort and that stupid “monkey” voice at the back of your head that says you’re not up to it, and just get on with it. No one is a ‘natural’ – first drafts are almost all bad, every writer no matter how well-respected is struggling with what they’re working on now, and the only way to get good at writing is, like anything, regular practice. You have to fail. It’s part of the learning curve – so get on with the failure, accept it, become comfortable in its presence and keep going. When you’ve got enough material or when your material fits a market, submit it somewhere. Then repeat the process. The one other thing you must do is to read, a lot, and diversely. If, like me, you’re nervous about promoting your own work or you’re uncertain that what you’ve done is great, then promote someone else. Shine a light on the wonderful, especially where it’s underrepresented. Everyone has the power to do that these days – leave a review, buy someone a book for a present, talk up what you love. Then get back to the table and make your own beauty. There’s no magic formula and raw talent that isn’t utilised is nothing. (may the force be with you…)

11. Tell me about the writing projects you have on at the moment.

I’ve just had a poetry book published by Flying Island Books titled High Wire Step, and I’ve got another one coming out in April from Girls on Key Press titled Unreliable Narratives. Neither of those were planned this time last year and I’m really pleased with how they came together and the incredible editorial support I had on both books (I’m very grateful to Kit Kelen and Anna Forsyth respectively). I’m still a bit in promotion mode for these two and there are launches and performances planned at the Newcastle Wrtiers Festival this year and throughout the early part of 2019. I have begun working on a new book of poetry (I’m always working on a book of poetry ), and I am still working on my third novel, a sci fi which is proving to be quite difficult. One of my resolutions for 2019 is to either finish the thing or call it. Every time I sit down to write it strikes me as being too good and too far along to abandon but then I get distracted and it drifts away from my mind and the desire to work on it recedes. This is the year I either finish, or make the call. I also have quite a few multimedia/anthology collaborations in-hand, which I’m very excited about. I can’t divulge, but good things are on the horizon.

Wombwell Rainbow Interviews: Magdalena Ball Wombwell Rainbow Interviews I am honoured and privileged that the following writers local, national and international have agreed to be interviewed by me.

0 notes

paultys · 8 years ago

Text

Bev and the boys are finally back in the country. I have missed them desperately but at least they are not 6 days away from me. They are however, still not living with me. We made the decision hat until Bev finds work then she and the boys would live in Bristol, with her parents, two hours from my lonely flat. This is sensible for many reasons, without Bev having a job we don’t know exactly where we will live when she does have one. We cant afford to rent a family home on my salary alone, and we don’t want to be tied into a 6 month contract when we don’t yet know where we want to live. After the upheaval of leaving St Helena, we don’t want to disrupt the boys by placing them in a school only to have to move them again six months later. All in all, Bev temporarily living in Bristol is the sensible, if not difficult thing.

Of course I see them on my days off, but this has meant lots of driving and lots of tearful goodbyes, as saying goodbye for another week become increasingly difficult each time I have to do it. Oliver too is finding the situation difficult and unsettling, he has always been an emotional sop just like his Dad!

My first few weeks as you know were very difficult, but as Bev pointed out, how can you let go of somewhere when your life is still there. As soon as my family were on the ship it felt easier. But there’s a part of me that doesn’t want to let go, I should, or Ill never resettle. But letting go is admitting I don’t live there any more, that Im not just on leave and wont be going back any time soon. I still follow the news and gossip coming out of the Island with great eagerness. The strangest thing is the sadness I feel when I hear of others who have left or are leaving St Helena now. Somehow it still hurts that friends have left, even though in most cases it means I get to see them sooner rather than later.

Im reminded of the transient nature of St Helena. Already I see facebook comments from people I don’t know, who have become friends with my friends. I feel rather indignant about it. I wonder how it felt for the friends I made who left St Helena a year or more ago, who watched my life on the Island move on without them, new friends and experiences which people whom I shared the first twelve moths with absent from those times. As Ive reflected on many occasions before, how long will it be until we are a distant memory. At the moment there enough people still on the Island whom we are good friends with, but before too long they will of left. The Saints of course remain, and I hope many of them will remember us and think fondly of us, but the every day presence will fade.

But my life here is becoming more normal. I’m settling back into the place and things are less daunting. My shopping trips are becoming more productive and I’ve managed to buy cereal and stuff to wash with, as well as beer. I still find the choice overwhelming and unnecessary though. St Helena teaches you that you don’t need most of the things we often feel we couldn’t do without (although the Royster’s T-bone steak crisps I’ve just eaten were pretty damn good!) . In terms of letting go there are some things that I really don’t want to let go of and the appreciation for what you have is one of those things. Too often I dwell on negatives and this period alone has made me realise and be grateful for the many wonderful things I do have. My friends, my career, my family and above all my wife and children whom I have grown to love and appreciate more in the past four weeks than I have ever done before.

I’m settling too into life in work. Although some clarity is still needed, Im finding my place in the organisation and beginning to have an influence and be able to make some positive impact and changes. I’ve found a confidence in myself, in my knowledge, skills and experience. I made the move to Plymouth National Marine Aquarium to learn new skills, and have started to do so already, but Ive also had my previous knowledge solidified in a way that is very pleasing, turns out I do know some things.

The view from outside the aquarium.

Ive started my first dives as a professional diver, carrying out maintainence and feeding on a large temperate marine exhibit, diving with large conger eels, rays and other species, feeding them by hand to the enjoyment of an audience. Perhaps the most challenging aspect of this is the audience. A hundred or so people watching youe through the glass whilst you are effectivly in training, in something that is very new is daunting to say the least. The public expect to see professional divers, and as yes I don’t feel quite as polished and steady as my colleagues. But its all part of the learning curve and one the reasons why, for my career to progress I had to find new challenges and gain new skills within the aquarium world. The salary is poor (and industry wide problem) and the work and hours can be challenging, but I have been reminded that I absolutely love it, and to work somewhere that others pay to come and visit is something of a privilege. Many of those who pass through our doors would the love the opportunities I have and I must remember that and be grateful for it.

Plymouth is proving to be a fantastic and beautiful city. I spent last Friday on the waterfront drinking a few beers, before catching the ferry across the bay to continue with a few more pints in the setting sun. The weather last week was tropical and has helped my transition. I’ve also got connected and have a mobile phone again for the first time in nearly three years. Whilst I enjoyed being out of contact on St Helena, they do have their advantages, and a camera with me at all times is one of them.

Sutton Harbour, Plymouth

My new aquarium, The National Marine Aquarium. The biggest in the Uk, size does matter!

Heading over to Mount Batton

So the UK has cool sunsets too.

Strangely I have not wanted to pick up my camera much since getting back. Photography felt like something I did on St Helena, not in the UK, who would be interested in photos here? I lost all passion for it. But a trip to West Wales rekindled some of that. Camping with wonderful friends from my university days in a beautiful part of the country was a timely reminder that St Helena is not the only beautiful place in the world, and that we have many wonderful friends who are dotted all over the World. That being said it was quite a trip. My days off work have been spent travelling to see Bev and the kids.

Oliver and Charlie enjoying the company of Maisie, their newest cousin. Being the older, mature sensible ones!

Rufus Lemur at Wild Place in Bristol

Ringed Tail Lemur at Wild Place in Bristol

This latest trip involved 7 hours of driving each way to spend a few hours with them, without which I wouldn’t of seen them for a fortnight, needs must. Saying goodbye though continues to be hard, and is actually getting harder each time. A solid cuddle from Charlie was enough to make me shed a few more tears as I once again wished my family goodbye for another week.

You’ll recall my friends the Gonsalves’s who, after their horrific ordeal on Ascension Island were back in the UK recovering. The good news is they are recovering well, and in two weeks we are getting together for a weekend of camping and no doubt a lot of beer. I cant bloody wait, but I wonder how I will feel when I say goodbye to them, as they will shortly be heading back out to St Helena. I suspect a large part of me will be hugely jealous. Its hard to let go when you have friends still on the Island, even more so when good friends are about to head back out there. A time will come no doubt when St Helena is resided into that place where wonderful memories are kept, the part of your brain that just keeps holds of things in laughs, and recollections over a drunken reunion. But for now it is still too close, it is still too fresh, and if I’m honest I really don’t want to let go, not just yet, its too important and too soon for me.

Letting Go Bev and the boys are finally back in the country. I have missed them desperately but at least they are not 6 days away from me.

#family #Friends #Home #National Marine Aquarium #Photography #Plymouth #UK #Work

0 notes

braeden-g33 · 8 years ago

Note

anon mom wants the answer to every prime numbered brave question

wow ok now i have to remember my prime numbers agh mom I’m an art student why u do dis

ok here we go

2.What’s the toughest decision you made this year?

A: I honestly don’t know, deciding to break up with the last girl I dated was kinda rough but really this year was mostly just a series of minor difficult decisions there wasn’t one huge notable one.

3.What’s the toughest decision you ever made?

A: Agh, I honestly don’t know, frick frack, I haven’t really had to make any huge tough decisions like this yet, but hopefully in a few months I’ll have a tough decision to make between colleges to attend

5.What do you want to be when you grow up?

A: A filmmaker

7.What makes you nostalgic?

A: So many things but mostly tv shows and movies I loved as a kid that I still love now *coughs* avatar the last airbender *coughs*

11.What did your father teach you?

A: I’m sure I’ve learned a lot of things from my dad but I don’t want to talk about him right now so I’ll abstain from this one

13.What’s the best gift you’ve ever given?

A: My camera was a pretty great gift

17.If 100 people in your age group were selected randomly, how many do you think they’d find leading a happier life than you?

A: Depends what you mean by happy, if by happier you mean better life, then not many, im unbelievably privileged (white, male, cis, can pass for straight even tho I’m not, live in an area of my country where anti-semitism is almost nonexistent, never been in poverty/extreme financial insecurity, parents still married happily, they’re both college educated, they’re not abusive I don’t think, etc.) so like I’ve been dealt a pretty good hand in life, but in terms of how I feel I would certainly hope that the number of people feeling worse than me is low, tho there’s a lot of sadness and fear in the world and I wouldn’t be surprised if even if I was in the bottom 50 that I wasn’t alone in how unhappy I am.

19.What activity do you do that makes you feel most like yourself?

A: I love being on set filming things and I hope to do it a lot more in the next year. It’s really stressful but also really fun, there’s nothing like it it’s so fulfilling. I just hope that as I do it more I also get better at it lol

23.What’s something you never leave home without?

A: My glasses.

29.What’s the best money you ever spent?

A: Pretty much all my money goes to gear and that always feels like money well spent so yeah

31.What are you grateful for?

A: see: all the listed privileges I have in answer to question 17. Also, I am very thankful that most all of my loved one’s are presently safe and not in direct harm at this very moment (even if the incoming political regime does make me fear that that may change). That’s a couple.

37.What’s your idea Hell?

A: We’re about to live 4 years of it tbh

41.What superpower would you most like to have?

A: Mind reading/control

43.What is your actual superpower?

A: I have very vivid dreams? Idk I don’t think I have a super power tho I can run very fast if that means anything

47.What song do you sing only when you’re alone and what memory does it bring back?

A: Mark by Matthias

53.What makes you cringe?

A; so many things, but principly, myself, all the time and without exception

59.Which day would you gladly re-live?

A: My second date with my ex girlfriend who I dated before the girl I dated before the last girl I dated.

60.What are you awesome at?

A: Nothing, I am at best mediocre at things right now but hopefully as I get older I will develop proficiencies in things that will help me succeed at what I want to do. But relative to my age people tell me I’m a pretty good writer so there’s that (though I think my writing is incoherent drivel personally).

61.What do you want people you meet for the first time to think about you?

A: “He seems cool?” Idk I feel like anything I’d want people to think of me isn’t true because like, I’m kinda the worst, but hopefully they’ll disagree with my on my factual status as the worst?

67.What do you cook better than anyone?

A: I am an expert at cooking microwave popcorn.

71.Where do you want to be right now?

A: At the 2030 Oscars receiving a best director award

73.What makes you feel powerful?

A: Tbh I don’t like feeling powerful it makes me uncomfortable, but leadership roles make me feel powerful and I’m learning to be more comfortable with that slowly

79.If you could tell someone something anonymously, what would it be?

A: I would tell them (i.e. not revealing whom) that they are amazing and wonderful and that I’m sorry that they’re not feeling so great right now but that I hope things get better for them soon because they deserve the world and more.

83.What is your greatest strength?

A: Still figuring this one out, at the moment I don’t think ‘strength’ would describe any of my traits, but I am very empathetic (to a fault).

89.What are you hiding?

A: Depends, whom are we talking about me hiding from?

97.What’s the moment you left childhood behind?

A: I think I’m still trying to hold onto it in some respects and in other I think I left it behind years ago.

#ask me anything #anon mom

0 notes