#also idk what i mean with vtm being a me thing. just me sitting there thinking about it like the guy standing in corner meme

[newbordeaux]

mayhaps dc or vtm for the asks if you still want to answer those? 🖤

omg thank you i honestly forgot about these but you know. i love talking about my opinions on the internet <3 im gonna do both hehe

DC (this is gonna be more batman centric because I don't really read any other stuff 🤷‍♀️)

The first character I first fell in love with:  Well... of course Batman lol, I got into it as a kid when my brother started buying the lego stuff of it and we saved up for the lego batman video game... best game ever arkham series who. I was also a huge fan of catwoman back then, she was my favorite villain lol

The character I never expected to love as much as I do now:  I dunno, I don't remember a lot of my first opinions bc i've been into it forever but I did dislike some characters who ended up being some of my favorites... Jason Todd setgfdgrsse i thot he was dumb but :) he's my one favs now hehe. Also I recently reread the long halloween and kinda realized what a great villain harvey dent/two face is, like not specifically there but man i should have paid attention to him all along 😔

The character everyone else loves that I don’t:  Uhhh idk if this counts but the batfamily, I do like some of the members individually but considering that it's already hard to keep up with one character I think it has too many members that I personally know nothing of or don't care about (Tim... sorry but he's just some guy). Also idk I don't like the sitcom-y vibes they bring with them :( or maybe I'm just imagining it from seeing content of them all the time made by people who don't read comics, Idkidkidk.

The character I love that everyone else hates:  No one comes to my mind, I think everyone I like is pretty popular 🤷‍♀️

The character I used to love but don’t any longer: Harley Quinn, I don't dislike her i just think there's been a bit of an oversaturation of her in the last few years, she's eeeverywhere -_-

The character I’d want to be like:  Can't think of any rn :(

The character I’d slap:  the mf Joker fuck this clown

A pairing that I love: Oh, you know oc ships. Specifically Anna/Jason, one of my pairings of all time 😔 (when i finally talk about them properly without feeling cringy). I think generally oc ships with some of the batkids (ahem. dick. speaking of which you NEED to tell me more about him and olivia sometime I need them) orrrr a lot of the rogue's gallery members would be hot, there's so much potential. I've seen a rise of dc oc ships recently but I can't say that I care much for them tbh (this isnt about anyone who follows me kjfdkjdf)

A pairing that I despise: Any of the robins with each other or Bruce with one of his kids bruhhh that's so sick in the head. Also Bruce/Babs i dont know why everyone who makes dc movies and shows is so into this pairing i haaate it i hate hate hate it. AND the worst of all, Batman/Joker idk why people ship this, when some ugly we live in a society clown shoots & paralyzes your daughter figure and violently kills your son amirite ladies 😍😍😍. The lego batman movie and the telltale games have done so much damage to society by feeding the freaks who ship them with content of this nonsense..

VTM:

The first character I first fell in love with: I can't remember who my first fav character was but I did see some art of Lacroix that was kinda sexy before I played the game and was like :) nice :) I dont think he's hot in the game but there's something about him.....

The character I never expected to love as much as I do now: This is more of a general thing but I only liked a lot of the characters upon my 2nd playthrough with Erin, namely Beckett, VV, Ash, Gary, some of the minor characters like the Nosferatu. Something about really appreciating the writing upon revisiting it.

The character everyone else loves that I don’t: Everyone in LA by night, particularly the brujah and the toreador girls. Sorry I havent watched it, I just think they look like the cookie cutter characters for their respective clans from what I see on tumblr :(

The character I love that everyone else hates: I have no idea who the hated characters in this fandom are I'm so out of interacting with other people who arent friends or mutuals. I think there are people who hate Lacroix and I like him so maybe there's that idk idk idk

The character I used to love but don’t any longer: N/A

The character I’d want to be like: Ventrue bitches dominating people.. I'm using that on Elon Musk and Jeff Bezos to give me their money

The character I’d slap: N/A

A pairing that I love: Generally speaking I'm a fan of OC ships who aren't Lacroix or Nines. I do like Nines x oc though I just wanna see other characters as well!! Especially some of the minor characters. And uh as for my own ships, Samara & Beckett another pairing of all time 🥺 and Erin & Mitnick. As for other's oc ships... I dunno, vtm is more of a me thing 🤷‍♀️

A pairing that I despise: NINES/LACROIX i hate it!!! Nines would never!! I'm also not a huge fan of Lacroix ships tbh, especially not with the fledgling.

[robotslenderman]

Eternal Hearts Liveblog, pt 1

Special thanks to @missn11​, who is probably mortified their name is associated with this travesty of a post, for letting me get my filthy little hands on this piece of embarrassing VTM history.

Okay guys, time to do the thing that’s gonna get me cancelled by fifteen-year-olds in the year 2032:

I’m gonna liveblog Eternal Hearts.

I once promised myself I would never make a rape joke, but today I break that vow because even the rape scenes are (sometimes) just that fucking ridiculous that I had to make fun of them.

This book is just.

Guys.

It’s GLORIOUS.

In the first twenty-four pages alone we have:

A guy is confronted by a locked door, so he whips his dick out. Everyone else acts like this is completely normal.

A guy meeting Final Death because a politician sat on his face. RIP in pieces Noah.

A mortal setting herself on fire, waving her arms around and running at a bunch of vampires yelling “DIE, YOU BASTARDS!”

A guy using his dick as a key ring. (Yeah, it’s the locked door guy.)

Lucita given the Hallowe’en treatment, in that she’s covered with sewage -- but sexy!

Daddy kink on top of the Washington monument.

Only some of the above makes sense in context. Some of it is as baffling in context as it is out of context.

This is the funniest shit I’ve ever read. Nobody told me about this when I went in holy shit.

Time to open this sucker up!

Liveblog under the cut!

DEAD DOVE, DO NOT EAT, THIS IS YOUR FINAL WARNING. IF YOU DO NOT KNOW WHAT ETERNAL HEARTS IS, DO NOT READ THIS LIVEBLOG, HOLY SHIT.

You’re in for a ride, and it’s the edgiest, unsexiest ride ever.

First thing I notice: Eternal Hearts is, in fact, written by a woman. Which may mean that if she wanted to scare the shit out of her female readers, she'd know exactly how to do it.

gulp.

(^ I wrote that back when I thought I was gonna traumatise myself by reading this. OH BOY)

Next bit, the rape book is opened by the following foreword:

What follows is an essay that basically boils down to "no! :D but we wrote it anyway!”

Partway through that is this quote:

We’ll come back to that quote later. Several times, I predict.

Aaaand we open straight into a gang rape scene! Oh joy. And there’s church spires, to make it extra edgy.

Oh but then they give her the Kiss so she enjoys it! Yay!

Oh.

She's a shovelhead.

They never mentioned THIS part of the Sabbat recruitment process.

and now she's underground and buried and being raped again? Somehow. Like somebody’s got their entire goddamn fist in there. While under six feet of dirt. I know someone’s got their entire damn fist in there because the Shovelhead’s thinking about how somebody got their entire goddamn fist in there.

(Yeah this is the bit I had to make jokes about because it was that fucking ridiculous. I started this out trying to be respectful. I failed. Miserably. I just can’t fucking do it this is too -- too -- Eternal Hearts-y.)

Like the author just turned to the other people in the credits page and pitched this idea: “guys. Hear me out. What do you think is scarier than being raped or being buried alive?”

“idk what?”

“being raped after being buried alive!”

“That’s a GREAT idea!”

(”Lucy didn’t even break the rules as much as I was willing to let her” Remember that quote? Thank god for that.)

Jean - for that is our poor Shovelhead's name, RIP - seems only mildly concerned about the rape. and the fact it’s still happening.

Like yeah, serious talk, putting my respectful hat on: to be fair, everyone responds to trauma differently. You know how I respond to trauma? I make jokes about it. Like I’m the kind of person to say “what are you gonna do, STAB ME?” for the lols when a guy is pointing a knife at me.

Okay, respectful hat back off, back to edgy humour.

Anyway she’s being fisted by somebody while also six feet underground, somehow, and daydreaming about the guy she’s stalking and about how she’s in love with him, hmm, maybe he had something to do with it? She’s not entirely sure.

(ETA: So an anonymous Discord friend was reading my liveblog and said this:

and I laughed so hard my dog actually pawed at me because she was worried.

Yeah, I’m going to hell, but at least I know I’m taking you guys with me.)

Anyway she starts digging her way out, and I guess she’s still being fisted while she’s digging her way out???? IDK they didn’t say it stopped??? Like that’s gotta make digging your way out difficult.

And then cut to Lucita!

Walking past a protest outside a sex shop. There’s a bunch of Christian protestors outside because they’re bored or something. We get straight back into rapiness with a Dominate:

Damn Lucita, if jizzing your own brains isn't the hottest image you can give a guy, I don't know how what is.

Lucita decides to snack instead of raping him, but does sexually assault him by taking his dick from his pants and leaving it in his hand when he’s unconscious.

Lucita walks into a meeting at a brothel. There are “slaves”. I’m not sure if they’re sex slaves or if they’re actually ghouls, but then again, this is Eternal Hearts so probably both.

She expects Pieterzoon to be there, but he's not. When the others start talking like he's missing, she is completely unconcerned and immediately starts talking as if she knows he's missing.

They move on. Pieterzoon has paid Lucita to assassinate Marcus Vitel. Good fucking luck with that one. Everyone at the meeting is trying to stop her from doing it. Lucita’s like “tough shit he’s already paid me bitch is gonna die”.

Also the Brujah woman present is apparently this scene’s titillation or something because the author loves to remind us about how tight her clothes are and how she's "seductively cuddling" people.

no fucking kidding

I like how the VTM universe goes out of its way to avoid using the terms “son” and “daughter” to avoid the Unfortunate Implications when people inevitably start fucking their Sires

and the author’s like "nah fuck that let’s daddy kink it up.”

Oh and he does it ON TOP OF THE WASHINGTON MONUMENT!! Like gang rape in a churchyard wasn’t edgy enough I guess.

the author can't go a paragraph without reminding us that sex exists and everyone is utterly sex crazed. The bit I blacked out above? That was Lucita daydreaming about hiring a prostitute. Like that’s not erotica, erotica is arousing, this is just voyeurism.

Lucita apparently hasn't yet noticed she's in a porno.

Somebody makes a joke about the Christian protestors gang raping the prostitutes outside. It’s a Ventrue. Of course it is.

Apparently the slave (I guess the word “ghoul” isn’t sexy enough) in the above screenshot is a fucking senator. Pun not intended. She soothes the cranky Brujah by suggesting they get somebody called Torres deported? I have no idea what that has to do with Lucita assassinating Marcus Vitel, but there's almost certainly going to be fucking involved.

(ETA 23/1/21 -- I regret to inform you all that there wasn’t “fucking” involved so much as gang rape. Never mind.)

Lucita and the Brujah guy almost start stabbing each other (so much for that soothing), but somebody has just set the brothel on fire so they have to GTFO.

The mortal senator can't quite fit inside the escape tunnel because her skirt is huge and keeping it on is apparently more important than not dying of smoke inhalation. But it’s okay, she manages it.

The skirt will be important later, unfortunately.

They come to a locked door in the passage. Oh no, whatever will they do?

Will they take a key out of their pocket and unlock it?

Nah, that’s too fucking sensible.

The Brujah that tried to punch Lucita whips out his dick.

Yes.

He actually fucking does that.

Weird flex, but okay.

(ETA 21/1/21 -- I just realised... what if it’s somebody ELSE’S penis he just whipped out? Like the thing was actually just chilling out and he pulls it out the way somebody else pulls out a cucumber. It’s not attached to his body, it’s just THERE?)

Everyone is completely unfazed by this. Both by the fact he whipped his dick out, and the fact he uses it as a fucking key ring.

Like. Is this a habit of his????? APPARENTLY IT IS.

(ETA: Anonymous Discord friend says:

SDFADLFJASDLFJASDF)

They end up in a sewer.

Garinson keeps a key to a sewer on his dick key ring.

(”Lucy didn’t even break the rules as much as I was willing to let her” yeah I just remembered another place more fitting for a sewer key)

THEN!!!

PLOT TWIST!!

The senator suddenly threatens everyone with a lighter!!

After the kindred are done laughing their ass off, she covers herself in whiskey, sets herself on fire and charges them.

I'm sorry but the way it's worded - pin wheeling, cringing - just makes this the funniest shit. It gets even funnier when you remember they’re knee-deep in water. Ever tried to run in water? It’s. not exactly easy. So presumably she’s tripping and stumbling the entire time and somehow still on fire as she does so.

A kindred tries to escape by clawing his way up the wall. He falls. The senator assassinates him by flinging her skirt over his head and sitting on his face. That part of her is also on fire. The skirt and her thighs are on fire.

And I guess they’re obviously not thigh-deep in water any more ‘cause the poor fuck doesn’t survive this.

what a way to fucking go: death by fire pussy.

Everyone panics, except Lucita, who's like "fuck this", cuts off her head, puts out the corpse, then, uh. uses it as a shield against the remaining flames. as you do.

(Between that and the above screenshot, there’s graphic descriptions of what, exactly, the fire is doing to the senator, and how said senator doesn’t give a flying fuck that fire is kinda hurty because she hates vampires that fucking much.)

Lucita meets a Nosferatu who offers to guide her from the sewers. On the next page, we have an illustration of Lucita, in sewage, looking up at the Nosferatu.

You couldn’t possibly make that picture sexy, could you?

Welp the artist went “Challenge accepted!”

So I wanted to show you guys the picture but I didn’t want to get too banned from Tumblr for an Eternal Hearts liveblog, so I went to my friends for help. One of them, @intimidatethevoid​, answered the call to arms:

Well.

This is awkward.

And so she bestowed upon me this glorious, but also cursed, image:

Yeah.

Her shirt’s somehow come off. And she isn’t wearing any knickers. Hence the Filthy Frank sticker.

And that’s gonna wrap up part 1 of my Eternal Hearts liveblog!

For more, like this post in secret shame so that none of your followers have to see it. To cancel me, send angry anon messages and death threats to my inbox.