#also interesting timing since people have been getting mad at her for criticizing the transandrophobia truthers it kind of feels like... | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

icaruskeyartist · 2 years

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So, as y’all know, back at the start of April, I made a video talking about a situation that I was involved with that including some incredibly uncomfortable topics that, for lack of a better word, triggered memories of when I was an absolute piece of shit to people.

Since then, the video has been seen by the instigator of the whole kerfuffle that led me to that situation to start with. He reblogged a link to the video that, even when I unlisted it due to being told that I had included his url, was spread around his supporters.

This little nothing video that had 39 views ballooned to nearly 300 after it was unlisted.

It was a 20 minute video, so of course I don’t expect many people to have listened all the way through. So I decided after I gave it a listen through and learned I had not actually mentioned his URL or done the other things he claimed I did, that I would transcribe the video and eventually release the transcription if I deemed it appropriate.

Well, Morg decided he wanted to claim it was because of him that Luke has left tumblr for the foreseeable future. And he continues to make baseless claims that other people were involved in the video or support me in any way because of the video.

So here’s the transcript on a Google Doc.

And here’s the transcript under a cut as well, just for people who don’t like clicking off. It’s a little under 3000 words long, and I tried to maintain the cadence as much as I could through word. I did not include cat or dog noises or my own laughter regarding said noises.

And yes, I’m adding this to the same tag I’ve been compiling since mid-May.

Hello everyone and welcome back to my channel. Yes, I am actually back this time, not trying to record one handed while trying to take off a respirator. Nettle’s mad because I took her toy. Um… there’s so much to update you all on. It’s been crazy; the entire month of March felt like it went by in a flash. And now I’m 29. But… I will do that on a different date. Today I wanted to talk about some stuff that went down on tumblr, and how it affected me a lot more than I thought it would.

So… to start with y’all know that I talk about transandrophobia a lot, and it’s a conversation that happens – it’s a conversation that happens oftentimes on tumblr. Because reddit is its own hellhole and twitter I’m not touching with a 50 foot pole. For now, at least. Let me get used to tumblr again. So we have that, and I followed a bunch of people. And there’s one person in particular who is called Morg, and he has very interesting ways of expressing himself. It’s very harsh, violent, kinda not what I’m wanting to do, and I’ll get into that later. That sort of thing. And he would get anons who would criticize him, and he would get reblogs derailing his posts and that sort of thing. And he’s also crippled. So he spends a lot of time talking about crippled people and transmasculine people and crippled transmascs, that sort of thing.

And people would derail his posts with neurodivergency, and he would get salty about that and lash out at anons coming into his space talking about how, uh… physically disabled people are a lot more seen versus mental disabled people. And all that is super understandable. It’s his blog, his space, he’s allowed to react to how he wants to.

Where I started getting uncomfortable is he would start haras – not harassing, but he started making posts about this sort of thing where he started blaming all mentally disabled people and neurodivergent people for the behavior of a very select few. And he was being very violent about it, which made me uncomfortable and eventually followed. And I made my own post – and I need to mention: he did not follow me, I did not tag this, any of that – where I just talked about how this was making me uncomfortable and seeing a physically and mentally disabled person disparaging mentally disabled just harms the disabled community as a whole.

Very, very much like how the trans women versus trans men dis – debacle ends up hurting the community as a whole instead of uniting us. So… it felt very relevant to me, and that post surprisingly blew up a bit with a lot of pushback. A lot of people basically saying what I was saying but they didn’t like the way I framed it so… They did not want to acknowledge that we were speaking the same language. And this blew up really, really big. A lot of people going back and forth; it started bringing into question the word cripple itself and the cripplepunk movement. I’ll talk about that in a moment. [I don’t] And it ended with Morg going into someone else’s asks and someone else’s DMs – multiple people – saying I hope you’re happy you won.

And I need to mention: I unfollowed him, and I made this post, and I did not look at his blog again until I saw him post this sorta suicide bait ask in someone else’s ask box. And I did that because I followed him long enough to see him go through a suicide attempt and get put into psychiatric care for about 18 days. I knew his personality enough that I knew that whatever he was posting that it’d be hurtful. I didn’t want to make anymore posts that were even vaguely about him. I’d already gotten into an argument with someone and got called a racist because there was a huge misunderstanding, and they ended up apologizing but we’re still not following each other for a variety of reasons.

But… the suicide baiting ask, and I was like. Great. I know exactly what that is. And this is where I’m going to leave for a bit and talk about myself because… that behavior that I saw in the behavior I saw him displaying afterwards is basically textbook what I did to my friend Sam. And I essentially gave Sam PTSD because there’s still times to this day where he reacts and he thinks I’m gonna do something when I do not.

And that – it is basically a maladaptive coping mechanism where you are being passive aggressive, and you are in pain and it’s very valid pain, be it physical, mental, some combination of both. But you feel like you are alone, and you are lashing out at people because you can’t win. And… everything feels like it was up against you it was your last thing and now you’re just. Cool. Fuck myself, I’m going to kill myself, and I hope all of you regret it.

And this is important to me to talk about because… like I said. I did that. Um… but also, it kinda feeds into some of this pop culture stuff we’ve talked about like 13 Reasons Why. There was a huge hubbub about how in 13 Reasons Why they showed the suicide, that sort of thing. I read the book. I didn’t watch the series because by the time the series came out I had realized that the book was not that great, but it did bring out a lot of discourse that I feel like is important around the idea of suicide.

That being mostly – and this ties back into Morg I swear to god… Um… how you depict suicide is very important. When you have a character who is suicidal and they commit suicide and afterwards, like in 13 Reasons Why, she makes… Okay

If you don’t know what 13 Reasons Why is, it was originally a book, then turned into a Netflix series We’re going to ignore the Netflix series. The book, the character Hannah Baker kills herself, and she leaves 13 tapes behind to be delivered to 13 different people that she blames for her suicide. And this book sorta shows Hannah getting her comeuppance to these people that hurt her.

Why is this a bad thing? Because this book was written for teens, and the Netflix series came out and it was mostly directed towards teens. And there is an established: the more suicide is depicted in a certain way the higher rate of suicide there is. Especially with teens who are very gullible – I apologize. Dory is now acting weird.

Um… and… In 13 Reasons Why in particular because it’s showing Hannah sort of getting her comeuppance, you kinda can instill the idea in people’s brains that “hey if I die I’m going to be able to hurt the people that have been hurting me. And show them that they’re the ones at fault.” Which is not true. What happens if you do commit suicide is you hurt the people that loved you and no one else gives a shit. That’s it.

And… the people that love you may not even grieve as much as you want them to. Or it may not affect them the way you want it to because you can’t control how other people react in their grief. They may not care. They may then go on to hurt themselves. The people that you don’t want to hurt get hurt.

And this ties back into Morg’s behavior because um… after he sent the DMs and the asks I did go onto his blog to see what was going on, to see if he was actually – if he was okay. And he was liveblogging his suicide to a, I assume, semi-substantial number of followers. Because he’s constantly getting engagement, that sort of thing. And me having 300 people following me, I get sorta constant engagement but not nearly as much as he does. He’s a much bigger name in the game so – basically.

And… so he’s liveblogging his suicide and he’s getting people like “oh my god why are you doing this,” he’s getting suicide baiting anons telling him to do it. All of this stuff, and he’s… play – it – not – I don’t think it’s intentional. Because when I was doing it, it was not intentional. But he is aiming to hurt people, and he’s hurting the people that love him the most while the people that have already distanced themselves from him. Are… a lot of them are emotionally mature enough to realize that what he’s going through is not their fault and…

So he’s not hurting the people he wants to hurt. The people that he’s saying “hey you won,” they’re concerned, they don’t want this to happen, but it’s not in their control. And it doesn’t change their opinions on what they were saying.

He survived that attempt, and he then blew up at a lot of people who were openly concerned about him. They did not want him to do this, they thought that maybe he should take a break because it was clear that the people on tumblr were affecting him, and I wholeheartedly agree with them that… this was affecting him. And what he did, he then went and put down the people that were saying “I love you but please you have to take care of yourself. This is not healthy, this is manipulative. I know you’re not meaning to do it in this way but you are. Please take care of yourself.” And he said they never cared about him, “you wouldn’t care if I was gone,” that sort of thing.

It’s… it’s textbook manipulation. And I hate saying that sort of thing because again. I don’t think he’s doing this knowingly, rubbing his little greasy palms together and being like “hahaha, I’m going to make everyone hurt as much as I am. I think he’s just lashing out.

So… when I saw that behavior, I made a post. And he saw it. I didn’t use the correct wording. I said “apparent suicide” meaning “obvious suicide attempt.” But people can easily mistake that for “supposed” or “alleged.” I… own that. However, he then screenshotted that with pills, and that affected me very badly. To the point that I couldn’t sleep without my medication which, yes, I realize I struggle sleeping without my medication anyway, but I’m in the middle of a depressive episode. So… I should be able to sleep. Um, but I did not.

Because I couldn’t stop thinking about the fact that this person is in such pain, and even though I don’t agree with how he’s handling things, I understand where he’s coming from. Because I am a person with anger issues – I have a very strong anger temper problem that I am actively working on. A big part of my not wanting to wish harm onto people, even people who wish harm to me is… me trying to control the anger that just. Bubbles up naturally.

I actually very badly hurt my sister a couple times as a teenager because of my anger problems. So – I’m working on it. I’m getting a lot better. I feel like I am, but seeing my screenshot with my blog and seeing those pills affected me a lot, and I had started making this video before. But I stopped. When that happened, I deleted everything and left it to the side because I didn’t want to talk about him explicitly.

And he was offline for an entire day. I was getting anons crowing about it, to the point where I turned off anon because it really was affecting me mentally. Even though I was not showing it online. I’m getting a lot better about kinda distancing myself from my online responses, which is good. You kinda need to do that. But I had to turn off anon because I was checking his blog too many times and nothing was changing and it was making me really concerned. And thankfully, a couple of days later, a friend of his came online and said “He’s alive. He’s focusing on his mental health,” and I cannot be more happy.

I have not looked at his blog since. I am assuming he’s still taking care of himself, and I’m hoping that he’s able to recover and realize how harmful his actions are as well as perhaps take a little more responsibility for his actions online. Because… the… liveblogging your suicidality, the outright lying about what other people are saying about you, the gaslighting of your own audience, to say “If you’re claiming that I need to go offline and get help in some shape or form, then you have never cared about me,” that sort of thing.

All of that… it’s toxic, it’s manipulative, it’s gaslighting – it’s like textbook. Not the gaslighting of “oh someone lied to me” or “oh…” whatever. You know. The terms gaslighting, triggered, that sort of thing is being taken way out of context to the point it doesn’t mean anything, but… he legitimately gaslit someone because the anon that I’m referring to mostly later on entered my ask box and was like “Thank you so much for what you said because he had convinced me that I was genuinely in the wrong and I was a bad person.”

Hi Puppy. She’s still upset I took her unicorn.

So that’s what I have to say about that. It’s just – I have a lot of mixed thoughts on stuff like Thirteen Reasons Why and how it does more harm than good. I also have mixed thoughts on the guideline to how show/talk about suicidality. Because I don’t think it is completely right. It kinda gives a very sanitized version and sometimes things are messy and things are difficult and you –

I wanna see that sort of stuff being reflected in the world and our pop culture. I also just want to see people with suicidality not necessarily winning at the end – or losing. I don’t necessarily want them to die. But I want to see that they are just like the rest of us where they are here, they are still here. They are struggling, and they found a person or a group of people that are helping or they have their dog or their plant – I’d love to see that sort of thing. But I definitely don’t think Thirteen Reasons Why is a good way of doing it, nor do I think Morg’s um way of handling his own depression and suicidality, as valid as it is, as valid as that pain is. I don’t think the way he’s using his platform is helpful to him or anyone else that’s following him.

And I know you can be like, “Well, you can just unfollow him” like I did. I ended up blocking him so, thankfully, I avoided any potential “Hey you won. I hope you’re happy” cause that would’ve fucked me up, but um… it’s not so easy for everyone. Because Morg is a person that a lot people care about, there’s a parasocial relationship there, and even I was subjected to it at some point because with his February attempt I did actually try to find out where he was. So that I could see if I could help get him resources or go there and just like physically be there because there’s never been any indication before this that he has a social circle outside of online that can help him.

Thankfully, the friend exists, so I am hoping that they keep ahold of the blog for awhile and he is really able to focus on centering himself.

Yeah, I have been wanting to talk about this for a bit anyway because it’s been on my mind and… I missed y’all. So why not start off with some stuff that could make people very angry with me? Or agree with me, as everything goes. That’s pretty much my life.

Um, but yeah. That’s about it from me. I am going to be trying to upload three days a week like I was planning on before March happened, and I will update y’all. I just read chapter 8 of Whipping Girl. It’s not as bad as the last chapter, I’ll give it for – I’ll give that to it. But… that’s it. If you’re wondering what’s happening in the background that’s Brier playing uh Pokemon Ar-kay-us, Ark-e-us, I don’t know. They’ve been wanting it for awhile and they got a bonus, so we were like “okay. Now buy the game”.

But yeah. Alright. That’s going to be it from me. No more waffling. I’ll talk to y’all later. Bye.

#morg

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