#also its 4am and im up bc of. a bad dream.

[tokimekiinversion]

i had this dream once, what i now consider to be my favorite dream

it was interesting bc i was in bed, in the exact position id be if i'd just woken up normally. it was the hours of the early morning, maybe like 4am-ish, and it was dark but there was enough light coming from outside to give the room a bit of a light blue tint, and the vibe had a very cozy, almost mystical feel to it.

and then ougi came to visit me!!!!!!!! in my house!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! in my room!!!!!!!! yoo!!!!!!!!! she appeared very suddenly out of nowhere but said she was there the whole time (lying) (i did not correct her out of Politeness). she started snooping around my room and talking in vague ominous predictions about me in classic ougi fashion and then tried to get me to do something bad in also classic ougi fashion. but like, the really super cool thing about this dream was that i was SO STOKED to see ougi even in the throes of unconsciousness that all of my hype and excitement and love made me somewhat lucid and also immune to ougi's gaslighting. so she was like "come do this thing with me itll be fine" and i was just like "no :D" lmao. i was also vaguely not listening to her talking bc of aforementioned hype. so rude of me smh smh

but yeah i was like "nah i dont really wanna do this thing" which was troublesome for her bc thats why she came. so shes getting like progressively annoyed with me not cooperating lmao. she goes into the next room and i follow her and shes like, (about me not following her shady instructions) 「全然引き受けてないんですね」 and im like 「はい！(:D)」 (this part was in japanese. this dream was so crazy fr its almost unbelievable actually i dont even believe it happened. lol)

and then she started moping (LOL) (adorable...) about how much stuff she wanted to get done today but now she can't... (was she trying to guilt trip me? lol) and eventually was like, ok well ig ill go home and i was like NONONNONOOOO NOOO IM SORRY STAY PLEASE STAAAAY DONT GOOO LETS HANG OUT INSTEAD CMOON もっと遊ぼうよ and i guess this worked because we hung out very casually for a little bit while she was still sort of peeved with me and not sure what to make of me (and then jake from adventure time was there for a moment which was weird lol) and then i woke up shortly after

but its so cool how my dream didn't even make her out of character or anything. it was crazy it really felt like she came to visit me... 🖤🖤

...so when i woke up under my blankets with the darkness all around me and the slight light coming from outside and the soft pitter patter of raindrops audible and my ougi pillow in arms i felt so cozy and warm and happy and serene and loved in a way i don't think i'll be able to replicate for some time... it was such a precious experience

i feel like if thats not fitting to be called a "favorite dream" idk what is

[hoopyfrood]

honestly i once had a friend i made and i mentioned vaguely to him that i watched game of thrones a bit but didn't get further than the second series and wasn't rly into it. and he then proceeded to tell me in finite detail everything that happened in the next like 4 series to "catch me up". like at the time i brushed it off as special interest stuff but then i realised that most ppl i know with special interests know not to subject someone to so much talk of something they don't like and i realised he just didn't rly care about other ppl a lot and just wanted to hear his own voice lol. honestly i put up with so much shit when i was so desperate for friends and social contact after being housebound for so long like now? i would not let that shit fly like i'm realising how desperate i was for friends i'd put up with all sorts of shit but now thank god im surrounded by actually good decent friends who i play d&d with and go to the pub with and chat to in the street and have film nights with and go to bookshops with and it's like. it took time but i'm realising how happy i am rn and it's so good to be like part of my local community again and seeing ppl i know and saying hi and engaging with everything around me again? like i'm not just putting up with situations anymore i'm actually enjoying them and partaking and making plans with people and getting like silly messages and reminders and things and i'm just realising that i like. never have to go back to that shit place of desperation again??? feels good feels organic

[jellifysh]

I wasn’t okay the past few weeks and also just got back from a 3 day vacation so I’ve only just cuaght up with GBIST now AND OMG? WHAT! I FEEL LIKE THE STORY WAS FAST FORWARDED! KSNGHGKLA NOT THAT THAT’S A BAD THING BUT I JUST WASN’T EXPECTING EVERYTHING TO SUDDENLY PROGRESS.

Also a fake marriage main plot suddenly? AHHHHHH— I MUST HAVE BEEN TELEPORTED TO A GBIST AU 🤡💀but ugh yes i love how mc & joon’s family juat approved like kshfhfjka all the main tropes i love are being hella checked off with gbist

BUT OMG IM ALSO JUST REALLY THRILLED THEY’VE ALL FINALLY GOT THEMSELVES INTO A RELATIONSHIP. 😌 OFFICIALLY.

I was just about to say I’m so excited to wait until 4am today for the update but I realized it won’t be posted today 🙈

But I am super looking forward to the smut as well because wow. The sexual tension has been 👏 b u i l d i n g 👏

🔥 warning for a sexual imagination / description (feel free to not post jic its too much 😅 🔥

And like I just imagine that mc must’ve not received orgasms from ex based on what we know about him so I just imagine mc being so shy to receive pleasure from someone else aside from herself…and maybe also while they have sex, she admits that she has masturbated while in the house? And has (guiltily) gotten herself off to the thought of them including her in their sexual life. And like they urge her to tell them her fantasies as they try to give her another orgasm. Just. Ugh. The resolving of their sexual tension 🥵 or maybe they even use her toys on her? Or maybe use them on each other???

Or even maybe having mc masturbate to maybe vmin making out? Because they’re the biggest tease? Or maybe having mc have a wet dream while she was seated on yoongi’s lap while working? So she’d be grinding on yoongi in her sleep and things progress from there? And namjoon enters the studio and kajdhfjdka then for jin i imagine mc just getting lost in observing jin’s hands as he feeds her? And like maybe she starts licking up his fingers and things just escalate? Or maybe with hobi, it’d be something like he’s teaching mc some dance and she starts getting turned on as she watches him. She’s practically panting when hobi grabs her to dance and like the music suddenly turns into a super seductive song (think like the weekend songs) and they kinda just tease each other. Hobi’s hands on her waist slowly slipping closer to her core as they finally kiss? And mc pushing her core closer to hobi’s hard on? 🥵🥵🥵 and for joon? I imagine them reconnecting and just a sweet & passionate scene. Like mc body worship but also mc wanting to give back to namjoon bc it was him accepting her to live with them that allowed everything to happen. So she was the one who figured out how much joon liked it when she used to ride him & how he likes getting sucked. So like i imagine after joon eats her out, she says that i also wanna taste you and deep throats him, ends up in a 69 and kdnfnfkam 🥵

(Im so sorry akfjntks can you tell im a horny mess w a thing for voyeurism/exhibitionism lahfkdhfhsja 🤡) i should stop. Needless to say….im hella excited

🐤 anon

lmao i wasnt expecting all that but I won't complain, you guys are giving me such good ideas for future drabbles. I'm so glad that you're caught up again and I hoped you enjoyed your vacation, I did fast forward the story a bit, bc 1) I felt like it was starring to drag out and 2) I didn't want to have the story unfinished while heading into exam season bc I know I wouldn't be able to devote as much time to my writing. I really want to go back and wrote about the wedding details, I have this really cute drabble planned out for you reconnecting with Namjoon's parents and mother daughter bonding 🥰

I have the scenes planned already for the chapter, but I would totally be down for a future scenario of that yoongi idea, and that Jin idea, maybe I could do that food play thing someone else asked for? And omg the mc getting off to them 🤭 they would never let her live tht down, but I think it makes it better if she just hasn't done anything this whole time and they just just have their fun with showing her what she's been missing out on,, and your spot on about the ex, I think even when they were "happy" together, he just wasn't an attentive lover. But the boys definitely will be

There are no toys this chapter 😔 a future vmin teasing scenario could definitely include them tho. And I was actually thinking of something like that hobi idea for college au so I'm saving that, but I totally love it!

And her and joon will be reconnecting in their solo scene, the theme of this chapter is body worship for sure, and sksksks "69-ing" is actually just so funny to me, like I know its a real thing but I can't take it seriously, it seems so awkward lol there is riding, but joon is not the one who eats her out and thats all I'm saying 😌

[asexualzoro]

24 and 25 for the writing thingy

24: Would you say your writing has changed over time?

I... should hope so. i mean, ive put in a fair amount of effort to improve! 

i think ive become able to make more serious / impactful / emotional writing as of late. when i was younger, i didnt know how to make any emotions happen that werent like... 

you know that post thats like “some stories are a home cooked meal, and other stories are drive thru taco bell. and you know what, sometimes youre just in the mood for taco bell, and that isnt bad. thank your fast food writers.” i think, for a long time, all i could write was like, single serving chip bags. which, like, for a beginner writing, thats fine! honestly, that’s fine for any writer. sometimes you just want something light and airy that makes you happy for a few minutes, but is ultimately unremarkable and forgettable. 

but i definitely feel like i can do more than that now. i think i can write... maybe not home cooked meals, but definitely something better than single serving chip bags... a pretty decent restaurant, maybe? not your favorite, but still one worth recommending? i think this metaphor is getting away from me.

25: What part of writing is the most fun?

hmm. do you want a bit of a personal answer? 

well, a fun fact about me is that i dont sleep well. most nights (all nights? every night?) i spend about an hour around 3-4am (had to unplug the clock in my room bc there was a good year where i checked the time every night, so i can give this time with certainty) awake, staring at my own eyelids. even when i was passing out w my phone in my hand from trying to stay up to talk to friends in high school, i still consistently woke up at 3:40am-ish

in the few occasions ive slept thru the whole night without waking (of which i genuinely feel i could count on my hands, even if that maybe isnt true), i actually feel kind of uncomfortable about it. it feels like ive missed something? its like, idk. forgetting to grab your glasses, or put on a piece of jewelry you wear every day (those might also just be me), or any other harmless ritual you need for your day to feel right. an integral piece of my day is just not there. (bc it is integral, even if ive had my fair share of nights where i just can not wait for that hour to pass)

ton top of that, i lucid dream (sort of--i dream normally, and then usually ill pilot the dream once ive got a feel for the plot). and most mornings (which dont require me waking up, ie weekends), i spend a good hour or so (or more. two hours, honestly, to four, is probablt the best estimate) just lying in bed, pretending to be asleep. so, yanno. i spend a lot of my time “sleeping,” uh. very aware? legitimately conscious?

but in that time, i daydream (...is it daydreaming if its night?). lots of time to play with stories, and go thru scenes and scenarios and whatever else. make up bits of dialogue or scenes that make no sense or just, idk. imagine? imagine whatever bullshit i want. play aorund with scenes id like to see in the fic i was reading before bed, imagine stuff thats coming up in the story im working on, imagine all the “One Cool Scene”s of all the stories ill never be assed to write, think about alternate endings to something or unwritten endings to fics i still remember from middle school. 

most of those are all mine, and a lot of them ill forget, but,

i dont know if its the most fun part of writing, technically, but it’s something i love about writing every single day (night?). okay, im not literally writing these things out. in the grand scheme of things, ive written like, .01% of these things. but that... idk, font of imagination? of Stories? of, idk. of pure amusement for the sake of just having fun, for me and me alone?

writing can take that and make it real. catch it, and take it from... hazy colors and conversations i have to start over bc i lost track of how they started or where they were going (dreams are slippery like that), and it can put them somewhere, and say “this is what you imagined. it took a lot more time and work, but its real. it’s not ‘pinned down,’ exactly, nor ‘captured,’ but possibly ‘crafted.’ puzzled through and put together and wrapped in something as lovely as language, and it’s real.” you can shave away those fuzzy edges, every word hammering those snippets into something solid! carefully constructed words and retyped sentences refining those wisps into something!

and i dont know if that means anything to anyone else, but it means something to me. and maybe that’s corny (it certainly feels corny, ha, i even used italics!), but its something i love about writing for sure.

[grapesodatozier]

I don't know if this has been done before ( though I feel like it hasn't cuz I ain't seen it anywhere yet) but virgin Mike with experienced Richie? That would be HOT and sweet and intense

oh man!! you are so right anon, this is super hot and super sweet!! this one is a whole novel lmao so under the cut again

oooooookay so i was gonna make this a fic bc i love this idea so much but i decided that i have so many thoughts that im just gonna talk about it SO. first of all. this is so gd sweet bc like?? the trust here?? like mike being 22 and hes never done anything more than hand stuff, meanwhile richie had a slut phase his sophomore and junior years of college so hes seen a lot lol. so for mike to open up to richie and tell him that hes never done this before?? to not be embarrassed or scared that he'll be bad at it?? to trust that richie will take care of him and wont judge him?? to make himself that vulnerable and feel comfortable and safe?? that just really gets me emotional okay that is beautiful

so here's what im picturing:

friends to lovers ofc bc friends to lovers is that trope!! so mike and richie meet in college, and they've been friends for a few years when one night mike stays later in richies dorm room than everyone else and they stay up til like two just talking, and theyre both a little sleepy but they dont want the night to end, and they've drifted closer together until their breaths are mingling and their noses are just brushing against one another, and mike leans forward and closes the distance bc he cant take the way his heart is racing, and richie is giving him this look thats driving him wild, and he needs to know if richies lips are as soft as they look, and hes so tired and richie is so warm and everything is so quiet it almost feels like a dream. and then richie is kissing him back, soft and intentional at first, but then hes laying mike down and the kiss gets so much deeper it has mikes entire body glowing.

they stay up until 4:30 just kissing and talking and touching each other so gently, just stroking each others cheeks and running knuckles over each others sides, taking in that this is all real. then richie ofc is like "mike youre sleepy i dont want you walking across campus by yourself at 4am and also i dont want you to leave" so mike stays over, and sleeping in richies arms is the best sleep hes gotten since he got to college

so they're a couple, and theyre hooking up, but they're about a month in now and they havent done anything past hand stuff. and richie is super patient, he doesn't wanna rush anything, but he thinks maybe mikes just nervous about being the one to intitiate going further?? so one time when theyre grinding into each other, basically just dry humping on richies bed, richie murmurs in mike's ear, "fuck, baby, wanna get my mouth on that pretty cock of yours so fucking bad" but then mike stiffens, his movements stopping completely, so obviously richies like shit im sorry did i do something wrong?? and then mike is blushing super hard and explains that he's never done anything more than hand stuff and hes really nervous, and richie is so soft for mike, he adores him, and hes just kissing all over his face like "baby, why didn't you tell me? you know i'll take such good care of you" and mike m e l t s and then he gets a little coy like "will you... show me?" all biting his lip and batting his eyes as if he hasn't been jerking off to the thought of asking richie that question for over a year now. and richies response is just what mike wants, he can see his eyes getting darker, and mike is thrilled. and richie kisses him so deeply and passionately like "fuck yes baby, i've got you, i'll show you, baby"

and then clothes are coming off and richies blowing mike bc he insists on going first bc hes so excited to give mike his first blowjob and absolutely blow his mind. and honestly, he doesnt tell mike this until a few weeks later when they've settled into things more, but knowing that he was the only one to ever make mike feel that good made richie feel so warm, and also made his skin burn in the most amazing way, and the whole time mike was moaning and squirming beneath him richie couldnt help but think mineminemine, only mine, and he murmurs things like "my sweet baby" into mikes hip, almost low enough for mike not to hear it, but he does and he absolutely loves it

and then richie is guiding mike through blowing him, and its both so hot and so sweet?? like mikes teeth keep catching every now and then, and like yeah it hurts a bit but its also endearing?? like?? richie loves him so much and this is such an intimate thing and mikes trusting him with this moment in his life?? richie has to keep himself from blurting out his first "i love you" while mikes blushing and apologizing and richies just like "thats okay baby, you're doing so good" bc of course mike wants to be good at this, and then mike says "wanna make you feel good" all shy and a little bit sad and embarrassed and richies like nonono baby you make me feel so good you have no idea, and he cups mikes face and mike nuzzles into his palm bc richie is so warm and he makes mike feel so safe and loved bc he is!!

when they first have penetrative sex (or fuck or make love or what have you) (theres no cute or hot way to say that im sorry i tried lol) mike is on top. richie fingers himself open, then guides mikes fingers into him, and mike gets the hang of that p quickly, his eyes wide in wonder and glued to where his fingers and richies hole come together. richie cannot believe how beautiful mike is and how lucky richie himself is. by this time i imagine they've said "i love you" already, so when mikes sinking into richie he's breathing hard and burying his face in richies neck and just moaning "i love you i love you i love you" while he fucks richie slow and deep, the sensation is so new and so intense for him

and then after getting used to that, a week or two later richie is finally fingering mike open, so carefully and intentionally, taking such good care of him. and mike makes the prettiest faces when richie first sinks into him. and its new, there's a stretch, but it doesn't hurt. in fact, it feels fucking amazing, and thats how mike learns that hes a switch but its like 80/20 in favor of bottoming, its like hes discovered a new level of consciousness or enlightenment lmao and thats just missionary, richie pressing sweet kisses all over mikes face, telling him how beautiful and amazing he is, how good he feels

once they start getting more hot and heavy with it mike is ready to ask richie to fuck him from behind. and mike was a whimperer before, letting out these pretty little moans that richie fucking drank in. but as soon as mikes on all fours and richies fucking into him mike is fucking screaming, like he never understood how people could scream during sex until that moment. in this position richie gets so fucking deep, its insdescribable, and mike is speechless pretty much off the bat, just screaming yesyesyesfuckmefuckmefuckme when he can manage to say actual words. and it catches richie off guard but fuck is it hot to know that mike is literally screaming for his cock, not even caring that other students on that floor can definitely hear it, like could not possibly miss it, and mikes just way too blissed out and fucked out to care bc wow it feels so good its like a whole new thing. mike even bites the pillow the second time they do it, but hes still super loud even then. but the image of mike face down ass up is possibly one of the hottest things richie has ever seen in his life, and he’s absolutely covering mike in kisses once they both come down

wow they're in love i adore them sm!!

so yeah im v on board w this idea lol v sweet, v hot, thank you sm for sending me this!!

[xxbluestrifexx]

EXO as toddler sims (minus suho bc hes runnin this show)

- it was freezing and Kai nearly froze to death bc he wouldn’t go to bed

- Chanyeol and Kai woke up bc of nightmares and proceeded to stare at each other and cry

- I didn’t have enough room to fit seven toddlers beds in one room so Xiumin is sleeping in a bed under the stairs harry potter style

- every toddler but Xiumin woke up at 2am for no reason and now they’re all screaming bc they’re sTARVING

- poor suho he’s gonna die before it’s even six am

- none of them will go back to bed BECAUSE THEYRE SAD ITS COLD IM SORRY ITS THR MIDDLE OF WINTER

- Chen, baekhyun, and Kai have all thrown tantrums so I’ve fed them and everybody else passed out bc I bought a thermostat

- SOMEHOW BAEK ESCAPED AND IM SCARED

- Baek nearly got CPS called on my ass

- Xiumin is my favorite he’s been asleep this whole time

- sehun had a nightmare and he’s now woken everyone up, a repeat from 3 hours ago (it’s now 5:25am and suho is TENSE)

-kyungsoo is next for “cps will be here before I know” and I’m scared

- sehun is playing with Teresa the triceratops to be happier

- Xiumin is dreaming about death

- suho is starving but so are the toddlers sAcRiFiCeS mUsT bE mAdE

- Chanyeol is naked and SEHUN THREW HIS CHICHEN NUGGEST ON THE FLOOR YOU UNGRATEFUL SHIT

- suho has made himself a sanwhich and refuses to deal with anything until he’s done eating

- Xiumin is STILL ASLEEP

- CHANYEOL WENT OUTSIDE IN THE FREEZING WEATHER WITHOUT CLOTHES AND NOW HES CRYING

- suho has to pee but the kids need to eat

- Xiumin has joined the cps needs to arrive soon line

- Kai is either sad or angry and I can’t anymore with him

- it’s 10:30 in the morning and I’m already yelling at my screen bc SEHUN IS HUNGRY BUT IF HED EATEN HIS FOOD INSTEAD OF THROWN IT WE WOULDNT HAVE THIS PROBLEM

- oh shit it’s the welcome wagon

- suho is TIRED

- Chanyeol is tired and angry but also needs attention and won’t let me HELP HIM

- all of the welcome wagon is watching Kai sleEP

- suho is napping on the couch upstairs and has left Xiumin in a high chair with all the neighbors

- apparently the house I’m in has a basement

- it’s now 1:27, suho hasn’t met with any of the neighbors and it’s freezing outside

- one of the neighbors is eating the applesauce I left out for a quick snack for the toddlers and she’s on my hit list

- the neighbors all left and they’re really pissed we weren’t good company oh well

- Xiumin is eating fruitcake on the ground in the kitchen bc SOMEONE ate his applesauce

- it’s 4 o clock and I think I’m gonna have suho make a grand meal so I have enough food for the small EXO army of toddlers

- Superhuman by nct 127 just came on and IM JAMMIN

- Xiumin and Chen are playing together and it’s cute, baekhyun woke up and theyre having a cbx moment

- it’s 6:09 and all of them but Kai just woke up and they’re P I S S E D

- WANT IS ON YESSSS MY HOE ANTHEM

- giving Chanyeol and Sehun baths is its own feat

- kyungsoo is really content and I’m happy but HES WANDERING OUTSIDE AND ITS STILL COLD

- our heater has been on this whole time and my bills are gonna be H I G H

- all the children are gathered around the counter that holds the food and it looks like a daycare class on their colored carpet squares

- Baek is playing by himself and it’s cute

- the food is really bad and all the toddlers are sad now

- suho had to convince Sehun to bathe and he’s like flithy but no GOTTA CONVINCE HIM

- Kai and Baek are starving to death and it’s fine it’s normal

-OH RUN RUN RUN RUN AWAY RUN RUN AWAY

- if you know that EXO song were best friends

- Xiumin is lecturing baekhyun and he’s got the green stuff coming off of him and BAEK IS DISGUSTED

- Kai finally decided to get out of bed and be productive and get food instead of starving

- suho just passed out and all of the toddlers and upset

- WHAT DO I DO THEYRE ALL GROSS AND SCREAMING AND ALL THE VARIATIONS OF SAD

- SUHO IS PASSED OUT FACE FIRST BY THE TUB AND SEHUN IS JUST FAT CHILLING BC THE DOOR IS BLOCKED

- Chanyeol put himself to bed after knocking over the trash can

- I WISH TODDLERS COULD BATHE THEMSELVES

- sehun is coming down the stairs and I’m scared

- suho is up but I feel so bad for him there’s still two toddlers he’s gotta bathe

- it’s 11:05pm and we have three toddlers to put to bed and suho is gonna pass out again oh boy

- GROWL IS NOW ON AND IM GETTING FLASHBACKS

- suho passed out again and Xiumin can’t get down the stairs

- Kai is so dirty he’s just sitting on the floor unmoving

- there’s so many dishes all over the kitchen

- suho is on the brink of death; he’s gotta pee, he’s hungry, he’s gonna pass out again, he’s gotta shower and he’s not having any fun

- it’s now 1am the next day and suho has been up for 24+ hours

- MOVE!

- Baekhyun had a nightmare and he’s feeling neglected join the club buckaroo

- the trash can is overflowing bc we can’t wash dishes with seven toddlers crying at once

- suho passed out before he could even bathe Kai

- Xiumin has awoken from his nap on the couch and has finally decided to try and go downstairs

- nvm he can’t go downstairs

- CHEN HAD A NIGHTMARE AND WOKE UP ALL THE KIDS

- I WAS SO CLOSE

- it’s 4am and they’re still not all asleep and poor suho is about to die

- I moved two beds to the second level for Xiumin and Kai who are trapped up there

- Chanyeol is eating spoiled food

I’m just gonna end it here and assure y’all it probably took a lot longer to get to the point for suho to sleep- I hope y’all enjoyed!

[angclhyunjin]

of light and verse | jaebum

desc: you literally end up falling for the boy who sits at the back of your uber hard lit class. college!jaebum litmajor!jaebum. all the fluff. just super fluffy

word count: 1.913

requested by: @jaebums-sunshine​ [Jaebum college au/domestic au fluff!]

note: i wrote this at lit 4am but ummm my love as a lit major was too cute to pass up

oh my god ok COLLEGE JAEBUM

setting my heart on fire at the thought of my lit nerd headcanon for him

lets get into it!

so its freshman year and ur walking into your first lit class, a bit intimidated bc its like,, a course no first year dared to touch but u just wanted a cool sounding course so bad u jumped at the opportunity

its GREEK MYTHOLOGY!! who wud not hello

and ur excited until the professor opens her mouth

and ur blown away by how,,,,,,, interesting and riveting the whole thing is but shit is it going to be this hard throughout??

the first few classes involves you frantically taking notes and trying to keep up w the impossible pace this class is going

but theres this BOY

he sits right at the end while ur in front so u could pass him off as uninterested,,, taking the course for extra creds??? wrong

this BOY quips in between the lecture with the most fascinating comments, connecting the odyssey to so many modern works, to poetry and to music

and ur like,,, who made u,,,, how r u like this

ur kind of annoyed by how smart this boy is

its not like you dont get wtf is happening here, but how can he get it and SO MUCH MORE

and tbh ur kind of jealous but u didnt hear that from me. also he has the softest voice that creeps up behind u and makes ur body stir

wait what

so u work super hard

and like super hard, u finish all ur readings and do ur own research

but u still feel like its not enough

like idk who u think u are, u start living at the library

cup of tea in hand and a book in the other, it sounds optimal but the stress is lowkey making you lose ur mind

ur looking for a book in the aisles, a VERY specific one on sappho’s fragmented poems

and FINALLY u see it............on the top most shelf

ur 5′4″ self is SCREAMING

and u could ask for help but help is for losers

so u make the very intelligent decision to climb the shelves what?? no ones looking

ur almost there when

a hand

reaches at the same time as urs

u almost scream for real this time, shutting ur eyes real tight, letting go of ur meager hold on the shelf and falling back

like u have accepted ur death at this point

until???? wait??? you feel two hands around you and suddenly you’re not falling

“my god, are you okay??” how tf do i know this voice

you open your eyes to be met with the softest brown eyes, framed by these wire glasses

oh

its him

of c o u r s e

u literally dont know what to say until he laughs a little at you (an adorable, light noise that fills you up)

“this is probably not one of your greatest moments” ur cheeks are on FIRE

suddenly he notices his arms are still around u and he hastily places u on ur useless jelly feet

“were you going for the book on sappho? i didn’t know anyone else here knew it existed”

you’re about to stammer out a reply, not really ready to explain to the lit prodigy that ur trying to be at least half as insightful as him but he

squints at u

“wait, aren’t you in my lit class?? you are, aren’t you?”

he REMEMBERS ur invisible ass??? ok??? what doesnt this boy notice?????

u finally find your tongue, stammering out a “y-yeah, i was planning out my paper and needed a second reference”

wow is he lowkey impressed he stares at u for a bit

ur now hyperaware of ur messy bun and glasses, the old t shirt you’d tucked into mom jeans feeling so inadequate in front of him in his stylishly messed up hair n button up,,, how could someone be this pretty at 4pm on a sunday

“honestly, me too. but its okay, you can have this” 

he barely needs to reach up to get this book and ur like, looking at his shoulders as he faces away from u for a split second and man is he built

“are you sure???” you let out in an almost whisper “don’t you need this?”

“nah its okay i read it over the summer already” o yes of course

“i’m jaebum by the way” he smiles at you and ur stomach JUMPs

“i’m y/n” you try, and then blurt out “and also really sorry for this i’m like,, dumb as hell-”

“its no issue, y/n” his voice is HONEY as it says your name and you can feel urself turning redder

“i’ll see you in class then” hes gone as quickly as he arrived and ur still in shock because what the fuck

did that really happen or did u doze off after a caffeine crash again???

so the next day in class u walk in, heading towards your seat when  ur eye catches jaebum’s

and he gives u the BIGGEST SMILE

WHAT AN ANGEL

ur blushing furiously and manage a quick smile back

and thru/o ur so distracted bc u swear u feel his eyes on the back of ur neck but ur also too scared to look bc WOW WHY IS THIS BEAUTIFUL BOY STARING AT ME

so at the end of the class ur throwing all ur books into ur mess of a backpack when u hear a voice 

“so did you end up finishing the book”

its god jaebum, beanie hiding his tousled hair and trademark glasses on his nose

“no i still have some stuff to cover but its fine!! you can have it u want-”

“no, no i was going to suggest we do the paper together?”

is this ,,,, really happening

“i mean, sure” WHY ARE U AGREEING WHY DO U WANT TO DIE

“okay great! i’ll meet you in the library at 4?”

“okay see you then!!” u squeak out and dash

wtf was that

this man did not need ur help, he is a lit GOD

but ur there at 4, a little thankful for the heads up bc u managed to put some semblance of makeup on urself

and he walks in and ur heart is on fire again bc hes so pretty and he’s also so excited to do lit, lit makes this boy

u slowly ease into conversations w him, sappho being taken over by more personal deets

ok first of all, this boy has 5 cats

5

he shows u pictures of all of them, names and all, like a mom showing off her children

ur heart is so so full of this endearing boy

you keep meeting thru the rest of the week

on tuesday, he asks you ur favorite color

on wednesday, he convinces u to tell him ur favorite memory

on thursday, you tell him how vanilla ice cream is everything to you but u cant stand strawberry

on friday, he asks u for ur number

on saturday, he randomly texts you 6 pictures of his cat sitting on two legs

on saturday, you realize u have fallen for the boy at the back of ur lit class

u dont know what to do

this boy is so so dumb at heart but can also recite all of shakespeare’s sonnets by heart

like hes the cutest idiot u have ever seen

and ur falling super hard for him

ur friendship goes strong for a while

gradually u blush less frequently and get comfortable w him, going over to his place at times

the first time u go (for lit probably) he opens the door and ur greeted w the smell of disaster

like really it smells super bad

and hes frantic and panicky bc “i didn’t know how hard cooking was the tomato sauce is all burnt what did i do”

poor perfect boi is bad at cooking???

even surrounded w smoke and in a dirty apron he looks ADORABLE

and ur laughing and taking the saucepan off the stove for him, throwing his failure out and suggesting u just get some chinese

and he agrees w a sigh and ur like ur so dumb

and no ur definitely not trying to think abt how he wanted to cook for u

when u call him over u make spaghetti

red sauce

“wow so ur really out here triggering me like this”

“is it my fault ur an idiot sandwich”

“w o w”

he probably pouted and u probably made fun of it tho ur heart was crying 

so it goes on like this for a while

and ur always wondering ‘does this boy even like me like that’ bc he out here giving u so many signals but never making the move

like ur ass is never sure if he’s into u or just being nice

bc lets face it - im jaebum is the definition of nice

and its honestly getting kind of annoying

like pls tell me if u like me my heart cant take it much longer

u guys are at his, doing ur readings

you glance to the side and see jaebum reading intently, eyes flying over the words, relaxed and so sweet, a ray of light from the window falling on him and making his eyes radiate a dark brown

you dont even notice how long you’ve been staring until u hear his voice

“hello what r u doing”

fuck

“nothing! just,,,, you looked really pretty with the light falling on ur face. no i mean, look!! like, you’re pretty”

OK

WHAT

did u JUST 

SAY THAT

"not that that means you’re not pretty at other times!! i mean,,, you’re pretty all the time and its honestly really crazy” WHY ARE U STILL TALKING

hes just.... staring at u in wonder

and ur lik e wow this is it, this is when the ground acc swallows me up and i die

when his face breaks into this beautiful smile

“you think i’m pretty?”

his voice is so soft and pure

u r, on the other hand, about to collapse from embarrassment

and just nod and its like the day in the library all over

and he’s still smiling when he says “y/n, i think you’re the most beautiful person i’ve ever seen”

your stomach SWOOPS

IS THIS REAL LIFE

“i’ve wanted to say that for the longest time” he breathes and you notice just how close he is

“thats just,, i mean wow i didn’t know...” u manage to say

he leans in a little closer and his hands r burning a hole resting on ur thighs

the light is very brilliant as his head dips lower, breath on ur lips until he fills the gap between you

and im jaebum is kissing you

you barely remember to respond, but when you do, he leaves light kisses on ur lower lip, hand coming up to cup ur cheek 

ur entire body is on fire as he draws you closer, your hands going into his hair and feeling for the first time how soft it was 

wow u had really dreamed about this huh

he draws back a little bit, face incredibly close to yours and asks u “is this okay?”

,,,,,,,boi

“more than okay, this is perfect” you press him closer and all else is forgotten

send in requests!

[captaintoughfluff]

Tag Game!

tagged by @mergaliscious ((tysm!!!!))

Rules: Answer 30 questions and tag 20 blogs you’d like to know better!

Nicknames: Cap

Gender: djfisfsj/f/d/sf/s/a/a/asf???//

Zodiac: Scorp sun, Leo moon, Cancer rising (gotta lotta lib there too though)

Height: 5′4″ (( :( ))

Time: 11:12

Favourite Bands/Solo Artists: of Montreal, grandson, AJJ, Crywank, Fishboy, and ive been listening to some Grimes here recently.

Song Stuck In My Head: that fuckin royalty free music thats in every diy compilation video.

Last Movie I Saw: A Quiet Place i think??

Last Show I Watched: AGT

Last Thing I Googled: ‘Baloney’

Other Blogs: i have 22 others

Do You Get Asks: occasionally!! not very often though.

Why I Chose My Username: its an old persona i used to have! i would have changed it by now but one time baptismonfire rebubbed an art of mine and added a picture of his wonderful doll holding a notecard that said ‘captaintoughfluff is rad’ or something and now i cant change it

Following: im following 1795 people jhgysdg

Average Amount Of Sleep: normally about 4am to 12pm

Lucky Number: 2 and 7!!

What I’m Wearing: this nightgown thing my gran got me that says ‘yeti for bed’ and its so dumb and i love it

Dream Job: Tbh i’d love to teach but you make no fucking money doing that so it’ll probably be something w/ animals bc its what makes me happiest. however a criminal psychologist may be fun too.

Dream Trip: ANYWHERE. California would be cool, Tucson again, Scotland, Germany, France, just..... god i wanna travel.

Favorite Food: I love bread

Play An Instrument: im bad at them but I most frequently play the guitar, however i also have a ukelele and a keyboard.

Nationality: im so white i dont even know

Favorite Songs: GOOD QUESTION UHHHHHH of montreals entire discography

im so bad @ tagging but i always end up taggin my geef so!! @queengrumblebee i’ll also tag @welcometojoelsvoid and... maybe @tickle-bones too :3

[spentgladiator]

Year in review???

So 2017 was a big year!!! Last year i got my license and this year i got a sweet ride (thank you so much to @the-avenginator for all the help!!!!) that can get me places and places it did get me!!! I moved into a place just me and Mark!! Ugh commitment is weird. This is the first time since HS ive been consistently with someone from the beginning of the year to the end. How bizarre.

A lot of things i had always taken for granted got changed in my life this year, cat moved away and (CAT DO NOT READ) i definitely cried about it a whole bunch secretly because well. Sometimes its ok if people making the right choices for themselves makes others very sad, its very rare that other peoples decisions are meant to make you sad, even if thats a result. Its an unfortunate side effect of difference.

I saw los camp, live in Vancouver when they dropped Sick Scenes and in doing so took my very first real adult vacation, and reconnected with someone i had thought i lost forever. What a sweet and simple treasure, what a dream come true, all of it. Gareth autographed a cd for me and.... spelled my name so phenomenally wrong. Honestly? It fits so much into the god damn narrative thread of my life that i cant even be mad, only damned amused.

Coming off of birth control was very difficult. Being on it did what it always does, and made me really really sick both mentally and physically (think big angry cold sores and chronic yeast infections, something about bc DESTROYS my immune system tho i believe that the mental stress brought on by the imbalanced hormones is what really causes it yknow? Like when youre living every day in what is essentially a perpetual anxiety attack? Not healthy. Not fun. Fuck all that noise.)

My birthday party this year was possibly the best night ive ever had. It was just a few folks at my house, a big roarin fire in the pit and some inebriants. I made alfredo at like 2am and as we were all layin around on my bdrm floor all i could think is "god it feels like it used to" while cradling andrews head and trying not to cry bahaha

I got really close with scoot who turned out to be one of the coolest dudes i ever met. @co0t ily, imy, hope to see you sooooooon!!! Because he also moved away and it also made me very sad :(

I did smth im really proud of this year, i stood up to my boss who was not paying us up to labour code. It was very scary, i am not the kind of person who is very good at standing up to authority but i called her t.f. out in our work facebook group in front of everyone so that she couldnt dismiss my concerns (as she had done to other employees in the past who brought things like this up privately. However unlike the past girls i did my research and had receipts from the labour code ready) that was a day i spent 3hrs on the phone bahahahaha but now we all get paid a lot more than we used to (to the tune of, at minimum for me, $15/wk usually a lot more)

I made countless trips back home to see my mom and went to the other city to see my sibling @carlos-isnt-all-that-perfect and they stayed at my house and we played jackbox and went swimming this summer.

Speaking of this summer? Can you say BEACH DAYS??? OH MY GOD I CANT COUNT HOW MANY DAYS I SPENT AT THE BEACH THIS YEAR. truthfully? @all my beach babes...@lanternkicker and johann i dont have ur tumlr and scoot and @therealstifler all of y'all made my summer worthwhile!!!

Also lilly and i laid to waste every decent yard sale in the tri county area bahahahaha!!! Got some gr8 scores, like a bunch of good board games for like ten dollars!!

Mark and i went to edmonton to see Blind Pilot!!!!!! We were there in the city less than 12hrs, damn being working stiffs!!! It was a great trip but i get very emotional at 4am as andrew and ty would learn like two weeks later LOL!!! Mark and I also went to Callaway park and it was a BLAST!!! His friend is a higher up there and even let us use some line jumper passes on the log ride!!!!! Oh my god he was so scared!!!! Bahahahahahahaha ❤❤❤

I took my shitty little neon to the coast and back. Twice. It was a dreamy drive, all four times. Even the time i was sleeping, it was all perfect and i love the two of you so frikken much ❤❤❤❤❤❤ got thrown in a pool, left my phone at the bar, everything was so amazingly perfect.

When i got back i had a wild night out of the time stream with the softest, sweetest boy and it was an amazing night and he bought me cigarettes and i chain smoked as we wandered around the city at 4am and just talked and i love him i love him i will always always always love him ❤❤

This fall everything went completely off the fkn rails and there was some really terrible shit to trudge through. Work pretty much consumed my soul, i sprained my ankle so bad i had to be home for six days but i made the most of it and took up painting again!!! I did some cool shit im really proud of :) someone i love very much got caught up in some very terrible stuff but it all worked out in the end and everyone was safe, and very very very loved ❤❤❤

"I just love that paul giamatti lookin motherfucker" -me at countless points this year

Finally started hanging out with @mollycolliex again!!! Missed u boo!!! I know things suck, but im glad ur still around!!

Christmas was nice :) this year has been the first year in a while ive worked the same job all the way thru the year and so its nice having a guaranteed income so christmas was much easier than last year. I got super drunk at my work party but managed to not make a huge ass of myself and thats all we can really ask for bahahahahaha

Anyway i love every single person i saw this year and i love every single person reading this!!! Its been weird, but its been fun. Hope to see you all next year!!!!

[sorikkung]

i asked @softbams to ramble about bambam just bc i love seeing other ppl love bambam as much as i do and now its my turn so here we go,,, warning i get soft easily,, , dont hurt me,,,,

hnggnhkgsnj so like BAMBAM right,,, he’s,,, a DORK there is literally no other word i could use to better describe him and ill have you know i may seem to throw around the word dork online, specifically here on my blog but in actuality i use it extremely sparingly for those people that are so dfjklshjkf dUmb but i love them so much??? like ill only call my closest few friends dorks, i just use it a lot here bc i post about what i love and i love!!! bambam!!!! idk ppl express their love in different ways and “i love you” just seems so overused and meaningless and calling people a dork is just more me and honestly its the most endearing thing i could say about someone ANYWAYS so like why is he a dork??? he’s so wild in like every way my first impression of this kid was literally him spazzing on the floor and dabbing while got6 hyped him on and i was like??? THAT ONE. I WANT TO STAN THAT ONE I- I WANT THE TRASH CHILD thats literally how it went down and as you can clearly see i haven’t changed lanes since,, honestly to me the most attractive trait in any person ever is stupidity, and i dont mean shitty grades i mean like their sense of humour!! someone who isn’t afraid to make fun of themselves and be loud and wild and random and is just a little (or a lot) drunk on life every now and then, its just so,,, refreshing??? maybe its bc im like that and i find it hard to find people who can keep up with me in a sense but honestly with bambam its like im the one trying to keep up with him. it’s just so endearing to watch him screaming and roll on the floor and??? to watch him bambam around the place. he’s just so funny and it always makes me smile like an idiot??? and it seems like its not just me bc!! the rest of got7 seems the same!! his happiness and silliness is honestly so contagious like they call jackson the moodmaker and yeah he is (i LOVE HIM TO PIECeS hes a dork too) but like have you ever realised that like 90% of the time yugyeom is being a crackhead, bambam is like within a leg’s distance away?? and i say leg bc DAMN have you seen bambam’s legs, he prides himself in his legs WITH GOOD REASON TOO and he always has to show them off with those tight ass leather pants like calm down you’re killing me here. but ofc he’ll never calm down the boy has no control and i LIVE FOR IT bc its always unpredictable??? like you get bored of the same thing after a while but bambam is always so new and wild and!! keeps you on your toes!!! hes just so exciting??? and like omg i mentioned yugyeom before hE REALLY LOVES YUGYEOM (me too man, me too,,,) AND!!! ALL OF HIS MEMBERS!! like whenever the situation is tense he’d do something stupid to make them all laugh and the way he talks about his members??? its SO heartwarming to see him love them all so much?? i mean they practically raised the kid, like jackson and mark especially bc foreign line stuck together as trainees as TRAINEES do you hear this shit they have stuck together for YEARS before got7 debuted and they still love each other to death AMERITHAIKONG IS FRIENDSHIP GOALS IM SOBBING I LOVE THEM ALL SO MUCH like you know they’re soulmates when one gets a laptop thrown at him but he still looks up to him as a hyung alkjhlkgahsdfgs ill never live that down sorry its too funny,,, also like he may be a fucking idiot at times but i dont think enough people take him seriously?? like he has this mature side to him and its so nice to see that even though we all joke that he has no chill, he does actually have it when necessary?? like!! in that recent thai interview and he talked about his mum oh my god he loves his family sO MUCH I AM SOFT literally like he bought his mum who biases jaebum lmfAO a house bc they grew up under a tin roof WHAT AN UPGRADE and he bought his sister a car and like hes so modest about his achievements too like in that one hard carry episode where he and jackson in the back of a taxi at 4am had to take turns boasting and trying not to be modest, he had to brag about his achievements, this episode was so memorable to me bc only one of them was actually about him??? he mentioned that something along the lines of 8,000 fans went to the airport in thailand to greet him but then he mentioned about the concert tickets that sold out but it was GOT7′S concert like he had to mention his group bc they achieved that TOGETHER and like he then said he bought a house for his mum and a car for his sister like he was meant to brag about how much money he had but instead he said the good things he did so generously for his family im??? so soft??? his love for his family is SO SO SO precious (like him) and when he talked in that thai interview i was talking about earlier (i apologise that i keep changing subjects so quickly this entire thing is so messy) he talked about how his mum is the reason for his dreams to be a performer and how he wanted to provide for his family and dAMN HE DID!!! but like omfg hes so passionate about what he does??? its so so so inspiring to see, he went to korea at age FOURTEEN without knowing the language, the culture or really anything bc he went to rain’s concert and was so inspired and learned all his dances and songs and like it kinda reaches out to me bc like??? he started off as nothing but a random international fanboy and LOOK HOW FAR HES COME IT GETS ME SO EMOTIONAL!! and his mum kept on telling him that its ok if he didnt make it, that he could come home if it didnt work out, she’d welcome him with open arms but he kept going!!! bc he loves music!!! and hes so talented!!! and hes just so passionate,,, and so determined too!! such a hard worker!! like i dont think most of you realise just how intensive trainee programs are??? like he was fourteen and training 12 hours a day, he said it was from 10am to 10pm every day, and now he gets even LESS sleep like hes constantly talking about how tired it is like let the poor baby sleep oh my god he deserves rest but apparently thats too much to ask for in the kpop industry,, but no matter how tired he is he always has tons of energy on stage and off stage to make everyone laugh and keep everyone in high spirits and like he’s actually a ray of sunshine, a precious angel, a blessing to this world oml im rambling but thats fine that was the point of this lmfao i just!! MY HEART IS SWELLING FOR HOW MUCH I LOVE HIM!! and everything he does gets me so soft like i literally have an instagram saved collection of his smile that makes me smile and not like his smirk (which is,,, whew,,, REALLY attractice im weak for smirks) but like his full teeth, face wrinkled and eyes scrunched up smiles where he looks so happy and cute and i wanna pinch his cheeks hes just SO CUTE and whenever i see him smile like that i swear 7 years are added to my lifespan and it just MAKES ME SMILE SO MUCH bambam always makes me so happy like i think my parents i convinced i have a boyfriend at the amount of random smiling i do at my phone but like 90% of the time its just bambam,, hes just so aesthetically pleasing like we all know he is the fashion KING, like his style is so stunning but like i think his visuals are highly underrated tbh he had THE most iconic glo-up of all time, i remember during early realgot7 episodes he’d talk about how he wanted to no longer be the cute/aegyo type member and he wanted to be sexy and charismatic and oH bOy iS hE sExY aNd ChArIsMaTiC,,, if only the members that kept telling him he couldnt and that he was adorable would see him now, still just as cute and squishy as before but also a fucKIGNF BEAST????? like i think every time he does that prrah in never ever a part of my soul leaves my body. idk if thats even related. but like WOW HES SO PRETTY EVERYTHING ABOUT HIM IS JUST SO ATTRACTIVE PHYSICALLY like he has rlly pretty eyes, esp w/ contacts they really just make you notice them so much more and his lips?? everyone talks about his lips but NOT ENOUGH like theyre so plump and kissable and honestly i could kiss them all day if hed let me omg is that a bruno mars lyric ANYWAYS if you do era killed us all, dont deny it, even jinyoung noticed his lips i just LOVE BAMBAMS LIPS and like his JAWLINE is so sharp it could cut a bitch it just defines his face so well and his makeup too like bambam’s makeup is always so on point, kudos to the stylist noona like its not that he needs makeup, makeup needs HIM like it compliments him so well  and adds to his,, aura?? idk about you but he owns the stage, like he has this aura to him he has made the stage his bitch, he’s not on the stage he owns it do you HEAR ME???? HE!!! IOWNS!! THE STAGE!! his dancing is so mesmerising?? and his voice??? he has every ahgase wrapped around his long ass legs finger whether you like it or not. and what i was saying about makeup like without makeup he transforms into the cutest, squishiest bean that i just want to PROTECC like his dUaLiTy you can hear that about any kpop idol but still, bambams duality is so crazy, he’s just....so sOFT AND FLUFFY offstage (when he isnt screaming like a maniac, but even then,) his laugh. is so cute, and so contagious i feel like ive said that already but its not any less true and like barefaced bambam just being barefaced and wholesome and cute and????? im??? adjhgjkahkldghalkj,,,, he just,, just him smiling makes my day fUCK ive said that already but as you can see i am whipped asf for his smile i,, and also how hes so bad at aegyo when he needs to do it but he has natural aegyo when hes not?? ??? ? HES SO CONFUSING i love it honestly i love him i just ugghhhhhhh. and hes so talented too!! SUCH AN UNDERRATED DANCER GOSH he has been dancing since he was a really smol bean and HES SO SHARP AND FLUID AT THE SAME TIME like nobody appreciates his dancing as much as they should and that makes me really sad bc its so enthralling to watch him dance, he really puts his all into it you can see it, but nOBODY TALKS ABOUT IT ENOUGH???? WHERE are your fuckign eYES YALL ARE BLIND AND MISSING OUT and his voice oh my lord his voice makes me fEeL thInGs especially when he does that thing when he talks all low and raspy and his accent is attractive too and like i would pay good money just for bambam to just talk to me like that all day like sure he isnt the best rapper in the industry, jyp never really had impressive rappers until stray kids but like he does his job as a performer well and UGH HIS VOICE IM WEAK IN THE KNEES like i die on the inside every time he says baby or honey or smth like that and usually i hate those specific pet names, but have yall seen that video of him saying “goodbye honey! awh, im your honey?” or just him saying honey in whos that or jsut AJAKLKAJKJKGFJ HIS!! VOICE!! and when he says double b i just FEEL his confidence and that aura i was talking about before now i have the habit of yelling out or at least mouthing double b along with him its actually everything??? omg and his meme game like i know i already rambled about how dumb he was but like specifically his meme game and his TWITTER OML like the whole dabbing thing, idk who started it but he made dabbing his bitch like he gave zero shits what other people thought, dAB ON THEM HATERS AMIRITE, and even on that one vlive where he claimed that dab was history he ended up saying he IS the history of dab and then dabbed in the next japan promotions with yugyeom anyways. the dab is not dead. the dab will never die. and his twitter holy fuck did you guys see the whole steven deng fiasco where he agreed to his petition to rename bambam to dabdab bc he couldnt be stopped then he INTRODUCED HIMSELF AS AKA DABDAB ON LIVE TV WHAT AN IDIOT IM SO IN LOVE and like in the video where everyone was saying you dont pick your bias, your bias picks you (bambam didnt “pick” me, he grabbed my hair and yanked me down into hell) he fucking said “i pick you” like hES THE KING OF FANSERVICE FOR A REASON OMG hes always flirting with his fans on twitter and calling them baby or babygirl and like at fansigns and concerts whenever a fan goes on stage with him he just flirts with them so much and calls them his queen, his everything etc, just i cant even begin to list all the times where he flirts with ahgases idk if hes naturally flirty or he just likes to give the fans what they want but BOTH IS GOOD TBH bc flirty ppl are attractive and like if its just for fanservice then that just proves how much he appreciates and cares for his fans like wow he really loves ahgase?? REMEMBER THAT CONCERT WHERE HE TEARED UP AND CALLED AHGASE “THE BEST GIRLFRIENDS EVER” I GOT SO SOFT HES SO GENUINE aKDFJLSJFLgdfklgjalfk and back to how stupid he is like he is also a petty ass bitch like he casually exposes his members a lot i LIVE FOR IT like the whole mark throwing a laptop thing or like other shit i cant remember off the top of my head and hes just so sassy and petty all the time like i love it so much oh my gosh sassy bam is an underrated concept bc savage jinyoung steals all the spotlight rip :(( nothing against jinyoung i love him to bits too but!! sassy!bam is just, my will to live tbh oh also can we talk about how hes literally a model like he made the camera his bitch too not just is his face gorgeous and his makeup stunning and his hair on fleek and his style amazing but like you can feel his aura through the camera too, he just stares with this LOOK its like hes actually looking at you his visuals are SO POWERFUL again not talked about enough bambam in general isnt talked about enoguh outside of being a meme and :((( it makes me sad esp when people still baby him like no hes a grown ass man hes had his glo up like have you seen him??? sure he can be effortlessly cute but also effortlessly sexy like he really is the entire package and oh my fuckign god he LOVES CATS HE REALLY IS THE ULTIMATE PACKAGE like everyone knows about pudding and latte but even before then he loved jb’s cat nora and apparently nora liked bambam more than jb and would wake him up at 9am every day and bambam would play with her for a while then go back to sleep and nora would sneak into his bed and omfg bambam and cats, two of my favourite things wow what a concept?? i just DIED when i saw his insta story updates calling his cats his babies or his sons and its just so precious i want to cry. speaking of social media again can we just appreciate that he runs most of his social media in ENGLISH, not hhe language he usually speaks (korean) or his first language (thai), but ENGLISH, just to accommodate for the international fans, hes going outside of his comfort zone and its so considerate of him and that once again proves how hes the sweetest person ever and loves ahgase so much and i feel so honoured to be an ahgase and i love BAMBAM, kunpimook bhuwakul, dabdab, double b, lil’ shit whatever you wanna call him, so much, and this got way too fucking long and random and the subjects changed too much lmao its rlly messy but like its a ramble so there you go i like bambam im out

[princess-of-embarrassment]

Some 3 am realizations about life, relationships and maybe more?? idk whatever have fun.

Ok before i start on this shit I am going to say it is 3 am and i am just dumping some thoughts like i usually do. Sorry for the shit grammar, disorganized thoughts and all that jazz... In a sense i feel like this is a letter to myself and what i have been trying so damn hard to understand so yeah i am talking to myself and to this website. I think. Idk. i will probably delete this in the morning when i am back on bad bitch mode and go back to posting memes pero por ahora vamos a ver como nos va. Mayb ei will leave it up bc i forget or because i dont care who sees it. sorry for the shitshow of a post you are about to read but you probably already kinda know me so yay! I debated posting this shit because the internet is a wildin place but oh well!!1!!11

ok tumblr it is 3 in the morning and i have 100% regressed into being a 15 years old on this damn website shitposting and reblogging some corny ass posts but it feels right, so here i am attempting to process it through the only form i know how to actually know how to cope with things. I mean memes are cool and all but lets be real, they don’t address the problems. this is the one place i can brain dump all of my thoughts and not really care about where they go because they will eventually disappear in the tumblr algorithm.

My old blog was often the only separation I had between my reality and the life i really wished i had, but now I have that life that I always wanted so why the hell am i back at square one? To be fair, the life that i have right now may not be envied by many but its a pretty darn good life to me. Im safe 99.9% of the time. The other .1% is a story for another day. I have been trying to figure out for months as to why i’m back to being so active on here and now that it’s 3:00am I realize it’s because of self isolation (thanks corona!). 

Let me start off by saying this; my reality is not something I am going to be able to escape. Ever. It has brought me to where i am today, allowed me to meet some really incredible people and i am so so grateful. I have learned so much in the past few years. i am grateful what happened happened. Wild, i know. I escaped it physically but i cannot escape it mentally, at least for now. School, work, writing, dealing with my freshmen’s problems was what kept my brain occupied and away from having to face the part of my life that I really just want to forget. To be fait my trauma response has taken pretty good care of fucking up my memory and all of those fun things but ironically the things i want to forget about so badly are the things i think about every single day without skipping a beat. brains are weird like that.

I am ok now but sometimes i forget and fall back into my new reality. That is ok. People that know my story ask me why i don’t write about it on a public platform because it’s inspiring?? or hopeful?? or whatever cliche people want to use when addressing a topic that makes them uncomfortable and they want to feel better about the life they live. 21 year old latina girl faces adversity and lives the american dream (barely)..i mean, i did run a whole ass magazine and wrote a piece for graduation including some details of my story but that was like the rated g version with only the little sad parts that people are able to handle without feeling like their comfort zone is being violated. MEdia is a wonderful place isnt it???  so i get where they are coming from, but what they dont understand is that an international platform is not where i can share any of these thoughts... Listen, I know this is cryptic and confusing and you are probably really curious about what the hell happened to me but i don’t feel safe to type it out on international platforms with public access. I don’t know if i ever will... Yeah i can talk to people i trust about it because i am in control of the space and the situation and who is obtaining that information but you never really know with the internet. 

maybe in the future i’ll write a book on it. even then i will probably use my alias make it a YA fiction with an added love story that ends in a happy ending. Maybe one day one of the school girl crushes I have will turn into that YA story and i dont have to make any of it up.

If i am honest...this blog is the only safe place i will probably ever have where he wont find me. He can find my school and my address and phone number and work and everything in between because that is just the way things work. Yeah yeah i get it stop posting shit on social media that is how he finds you whatever. What people dont understand is that I cant stop living my life again. I already started so i cant go back to giving him that power. It makes no sense. Also, his family is too confused by all of the ups and downs of the last year that they dont really know where i am going or what i am doing. So anyways, long story short - That’s why i am back on here, because it has become the same written safe haven I had when i was 15 and tried to escape my physical reality. Only difference is that i am trying to manage the mental reality of it all...

I also have so many questions about what to do next. Like i mentioned in another post, i didnt think i would make it to 21 but i did. I didnt think this far ahead so i guess i will just figure it out along the way but hear me out. How do i face a new reality that no one can relate to. At least not the people around me. How do i make friends and know when the “right time” is to tell them hey btw if this happens lmk lol. Even more importantly (because it relates to my future as world famous YA novelist.. lol sure grace...) How do I even date someone??? many questions are tied to that. like... I know theyre going to ask. “what happened?” “who is it?” “how can i help?” “Isnt there something we can do?”. i am more than willing to answer these questions because fuck, if im dating someone i would be curious too.. but do i even answer those questions. How do i know they are ready to handle that kind of information? how can i guarantee theyre not going to leave. How can i know that they arent going to be frightened by what has happened. how do i know they are not going to think differently of me. How do i explain to this person “yeah i have stress nightmares about what happened and when i wake up i think i am back in that situation and not where i live and i have to remind myself i am in a whole different area code but then its fine lol so if we share a bed at any point in time dont be alarmed if i wake up in a panic.” or how do i explain to them when something triggers me and all i can do is freeze because maybe it is him. Maybe he finally found me. but then i am back to reality and move on with my day because that is the only thing left to do. I cant throw myself a shitty pity party thats generic as fuck and i dont have time for it but whatever. moving on. next question. How do i know theyre not gonna walk away because they have the misconception so many people have?? Just because i went through some shit doesnt mean i am unstable or unloveable or whatever bs people think. This isnt going to go away. This shit is a aprt of me but it doesn not define me. it is not who i am.I dont have the option to make it go away but people have the option to pick up their things and go. seems unfair to me sometimes. It seems unfair to generalize people like that. I am always open to a new relationship but people expect me to be sitting at home scared to go out into the world and live my life. I have a life to live and i am so ready to explore it by myself or with someone by my side but quarantine has brought me back on here to deal with the fact that i am back to being stuck inside. Mentally and physically. One sucks less than the other. 

I have so many other questions but i am feeling tired again and its almost 4am so maybe i should go to bed. Y’all dont know how happy i am to have this trash site to vent to in the middle of the night. theres some relly judgy people on here but at least i know my feed wont judge me or try to fix what has happened. it will just listen.

Anyways, i doubt anyone will read this because this post got long as fuck but if you did i give you a high five and a virtual hug for getting through the clusterfuck of sentences. Thanks tumblr. If i ever go viral again on this shitshow of a website i may have to bring back my studyblr and go underground lmfao jk maybe. I cant wait to hug my friends and the people i have met that have become a part of my daily routine (yes even during social isolation, get off my ass I am still socially isolating). All i can do for now is wait for someone who cares about me for me and isn’t scared of my past or the pieces of it that linger in my present. I deserve nothing less. if they cant do that they are not worth my time and i hope they drop their keys every single time they go to open their front door. oh... they also better be ready for the hours i spend typing away my thoughts on my computer. Maybe one day they will be allowed to read them too... lol maybe not. whatever who knows. Peace out kiddos stay healthy xoxo.

[jooheonies]

what are some tumblrs you admire from afar?

@inkyuns gOsh i love georgie with every fiber of my being. she rly is the only reason im still on this website sjdhfkj she just sits there sometimes and calms me down idk what i would do without her. hhh but beyond that i also admire georgie a lot for her writing pls she’s pHENOMENAL like sometimes i read her stuff nd i just sit there in A W E at how beautifully she builds scenes and creates personalities. everything in her writing flows seamlessly and i reALLY WISH SOME PPL COULD SEE THATDSFJKJDH. pls i just really love everything about her. she’s so mature and calm but also rly sweet and cute and gOsh i just love her. uhh she also just has The Best Colors imo and its so amazing like i cant tell u how much i just love talking to her. im not that talkative online w people but georgie and i stay up until 4am just talking about whatever and like i message her all the time. shes so easy and chill and honestly ?? we’re always raving about how we’re the cutest ship and nobody appreciates us pls ship #warie !1!! uhhh im gna stop now bc i rly dont want this to be a Georgie Love Post so i may not admire her from afar but i def love everything about her.

@03hoseok uhhhh i just rly love my baji. jhfkjd marvin is one of the few ppl i wholeheartedly trust on this site bc a). she has Good Colors and b). shes rly just so sweet and like an actual older sister. um idk shes like rly chill nd nice nd she deals w me sending her weird gifs and calling hoseok a brony and she let me call the bee movie a contemporary masterpiece. also one time i called her a haraami nd she rly reacted like a big sis ilu. uhm shes a Scientist but u Adult Nerds r so fake like ur not suffering the way us high school Scientists have to suffer with plastic aprons and diluted bases gOsh. hfkjhfkj im jk i love how friendly she is w everyone and how sh says shes a hoseok stan but all she dreams about is kard and washing machines (u Fake). uhhh marvin is a safe nd secure baji ilu.

@hitchhikingbabeh uhhh okay lOOK annie is an actual EM P E R OR OF writing like girl what??? shes rly too cute nd she Gets Me when i suddenly drop off the face of the earth bc im a #classiclibra and uhhh shes always the cutest like?? her love for jaehyun is what got me into nct like can u believe. i, the one who stans exactly three (3) boy groups and every single girl group out there, rly started liking nct bc of her love? rip. hfkjsdhf annie is rly the cutest person alive i love her. furthermore, i think ive read saudade like ten times and i Die every single time its rly an amazing piece of writing, like i admire annie for her writing nd her personality nd just everything shes so sweet ilu.

@vitaminmoongie uh i dont like u. like at all. u fucking suck u l0$3r. she writes rly fekkin well and she doesnt piss me off like certain ppl do ok wait i have more things to say abt this Dumbass she rly loves lee minhyuk more than anyone in the world and she went so far as to get rly seriously sad when we went to the concert bc she was like “narwhal…i dont deserve him im not pretty enough” like bitch u seen him? hes lucky u looked his way. gosh i cant believe im saying nice things about u. anyways, she also would kind of die for jongup (different than minhyuk tho she has an irl crush on minhyuk) but rly she writes well and half the time she sees dumb shit all she says is “im so over the bs on this blue hellsite” and if that aint the Biggest Mood then idk what is.

@1leeminhyuk ily didi! uh dari always makes me feel so happy bc they rly just want ppl to always feel safe and comfortable like wow wtf. they do this Thing where they listen 2 u vent and it never seems like theyre waiting for their turn to talk and interject? they just listen and when ur done venting, they have such a calm and chill feel like i rly lve dari. 2ari is rly the cutest thing (i get CREDITS FOR THIS SHIP NAME FAJITA DID NOT THINK OF IT!! I DID)

sO looks like i lied bc i remember someone i like even tho i dont think ive ever spoken to them?

@teeyongs ohmgoodness i love her writing shawna honestly is my Favorite Writer on this website wtf. i aspire to write that well like ?? how even?? she has so many phenomenal works and i read her fics to get thru the day im not even breathing shes such a good writer. i have post notifs on for only her like wtf everything she writes is pURE GOLD im cryinf theres only so many ways i can say her writing is the Best. i admire how sweet nd cute nd kind she is like wtf u write amazing but also ur personality is amazing?? anYways im done fangirling i just rly love and admire her from afar

uhhh thats it i dont rly know very many ppl sorry!!

[oflgtfol]

oh my god i had the weirdest fucking dreams and its so long djsidjsn

ok so first off it had like all my favorite characters, narration by mabel. first was shiro, i forgot what happened when he was there tho. then the stan twins and then sans but sans had like..... a twin too????? and not like one of the au sans i mean like two actual canon sans..... anyway mabel was discussing depression and how to deal with it using these characters as examples

ok then i woke up, was like “huh”, realized it was a saturday morning at 4am and i could actually enjoy sleep, and then went back to sleep

THEN. Its like, me and my family are going on vacation? in the middle of the school year? we normally only go during the summer so that i dont miss school, but in my dream it was actually saturday like it is irl. anyway i didnt even know we were going until we actually went, and i had no idea how long? if we were coming back in time for school or if i would be out?

anyway so the place we went to was some warm place but the entire time we were there it was raining so we couldnt do anything outdoors. my brother and his girlfriend was there, except his gf had like... another boyfriend?? i dont recall ever actually seeing my brother i just Know he was there in passing mention at least. his gf also had a sister who looked identical to her, and she had her own boyfriend there i think????

so i was.. outside doing . weird shit? all my friends were there as was... humanized? warrior? cats????????? but i can only remember....... DARKSTRIPE????? beinf there???? darkstripe of all characters??? anyway so our goal was to try and..... breathe.... down these long ass tubes and see if the person on the other side could feel it. everybody else was able to achieve it but i had a really long tube for some reason and i was huffing and puffing and not able to do it.

ok then our objective was between me and some..... asshole whose name started with... r??? idk i hated him. i hated him he was so annoying. idk what wxactly the objective was but it was to do something with the ridgeback base from flight rising. i was just writing shit all over it like it was some real life drawing program? and all 6 of us were watching it but it was only me and R doing anything. like i remember seeing the medibanf layout but it was.... irl... anyway i was writing stuff like “be positive! you cant win R!!” and R wrote nothing so i was like “ha i won by default!” and R was taunting me the whole ass time irl by speaking. so some disembodied third party person wrote on the file “R won” and i was so ANGRY i was like this is UNFAIR HOW DID HE WIN!!! FAKE ASS JUDGE

so then we were all........ drawn? we were represented by stylized drawings of ourselves.. So we’re all hooked together by mics so we can talk ans theres like a 6 way split screen so we can all see each other? like in cartoons when the screen is split between characters? yeah

so darkstripe is apparently undercover for.. something and he was talking with my brother’s girlfriend’s SISTER... and something was happening with them... we could all hear them i think they were flirting but i think we werent meant to know it was actually darkstripe, just some outside stranger, but then darkstripe like pasted his drawn self onto the file and we all GASPED bc it revealed that he was ghat voice and we were all absolutely shocked, including her but darkstripe didnt even realize what he’d done

k then its me and the sister. we’re at the top of some bleachers next to a tv thats supposed to be watched by everyone in this room. we’re joking and giggling the entire time and having fun but then this random ass kid was sitting behind us, and was like “will you two shut up your voices are projecting in that corner. i’d like to be able to hear” and we didnt stop so by the end of the program he was like “im gonna BEAT YOUR ASSES”

so then we’re all leaving the area and this kid who i sit with at lunch was like pretendinf to be a zombie. there were these large ass doors with giant windows set in them and they closed before i got in soi was like “haha let me in guys, dont let me get bit” and i went in and SURPRISINGLY it did not turn into a zombie dream! BUT something bad did happen here

the small room, its more like a large closet tbh with some sort of... skylight at the top..... suddenly held a lot less ppl than before. like i think it was shannen, the sister, her boyfriend maybe?, my brother’s gf, and her other boyfriend, and maybe 2 other unidentified people. the boyfriend was acting all sweet to the sister’s boyfriend but then he SUDDENLY PULLED OUT A HAMMER. AND SWUNG IT AT THE OTHER BF’S HEAD SO HARD HE GOT FLUNG THRU THE WALL. LIKE INTO THE WOOD. I LITERALLY COULDNT SEE HIM THATSBHOW FAR IN HE WENT. BUT THE FIRST BOyfriEND JUST KEPT WAILING ON HIM WITH THIS HAMMER AND LIKE. YOU KNOW HE DEAD

so we’re all fucking TERRIFIED and hes like “everyone. center of the room. now” and i cant remember this part but fhskdjs i just remember hating this fucking guy and wanting to tell someone whathe did but we were all under his threat, except his girlfriend (my BROTHERS girlfriend) who was absolutely chill with it. she wasnt scared and she still loved him. i was so disgusted like everytime i saw him around the hotel thing i was like Godd.. i need to tell someone so i was like “Shannen. We Need To Inform The Authorities” and she was like “nooooo... we cant..........” i was so frustrated that everybody was just acting like normal, BUT the sister showed promise she was like “yeah... hate that guy”

anyway yeah i woke up before he Received Justice