#also its like? joyous? theres people out here with hobbies that make them happy and we get to see them

[aggressionbread]

i dont know what ive stumbled upon here but i support it

[nofeelingsandallthefeelings]

actual reflection lmao

nov 6.2019.$$ coming i can feel it

-Mind & Mentality -thoughts, feelings, triggers, patterns

oh the everlasting up and downs, i cant decide or know what is actually going on in this brain of mine. how frustrating. In the past few months i havent been to conscious of my thoughts or feelings if im being honest. which is something im currently working on. 

on mentality, i realized i complain and talk shit alot and that im a perfectionist. we’re not judging here but we are changing. 

-Health/substance use/drink

eh i love pills, but i also love being sober. i went ham on xans in the past few times, probs why i dont remember anything that happened the first half of the semester. anyways, ive had the debate in my head about the mental dependancy so yeah.

-Self Esteem

yeah, emotionally being mature is hard. looking at social media was not a good move for me, i  questioned my beauty so many times after looking at that post. i have also in the past few months have had image issues, im still trying to figure out where these came from, i think mostly bc most if not all of my friends are skinny. 

-Finances/Wealth $$

ugh. i spent way too much on dumb ass shit, i learned i need to manage my money better and change my perspective/relationship on money. i am abundant and have always been taken care of in the past months. 

-Hobbies

-Emotions - anger, frustration, happy, sad, joyous, react vs. respond

-Work -

-Romance -

shawn and i relationship was extremely complex and messed up in so many ways, i met him at the wrong time and i feel strongly in my heart we were supposed to meet in this life. for now, we dont speak. I was mean to him and he would diminish me. Taking me back 3 times showed a lack of respect for himself and his self worth, and it showed how cruel i could be. its indescribable and im not sure what to call it. i loved and still love him and hate him equally. but i made the right choice by sending him the letter to let me be and grow. That was the best decision. i let you go with love. i had so much resentment and bitterness towards him that was not healthy for me, like holy shit. not okay. but i forgive myself and let go with love

dog boy, oh what an obsession. it was lust, lust, lust. I have to be very careful. I went 100000 full throttle on this in my mind. we had almost nothing in common, he was pretty boring, yet i continued to lead him on for ego’s sake, it was my choice to let him go out of the circle to focus on myself and it was also another great decision i made!! In retrospect, i should have spoken up for what I wanted because I had every right to, i went to ny to see him god damn it. but also in retrospect there is no way any romantic relationship wouldve been picked up as i am living my life. i keep the door slightly open with this one, tiniest crack. the obsession was a mess, it was messing with me every single day, that is ridiculous. the things i did and said to try to make this work was silly. i forgive myself and let this go with love. 

watch my lust, 9/10 its lust  

-Spirituality- affirmations, prayers, meditations

i have been out of touch with my spirituality and i feel like thats something that does keep me grounded ina weird sense. 

-Family-mom/sister nan and tio

being around tio meme and nancy, makes me so comfortable and makes me feel at home. In the past 3 months i feel like i have bonded with them significantly and with emily too. they are my rock. as far as my immediate family, i love them but i cannot be around them. the semi fight on my bday was so much, i think we all just misunderstand each other and after years of chaos, we dont know how to communicate with one another. I also realized in the past few months, i do in fact want a family of my own, we can leave this vague bc its just an idea. 

-Career

is my passion. end of story. we in that hoe baby

-Social Life/friendships

july, jac gossiping on me. to be honest, i should have seen this coming, but i didnt pay attention, she was pretty manipulative with other people and good at it, kudos. very artistic and creative. I still cant tell if our friendship was real or out of convenience and even worse, im hurt she moved on w that girl as friends so fast!!!  Lesson: don’t trust your friends with secrets and smell out the snake in them, it shows

in the past few months, i havent been keen on going out in large crowds, I am not sure why, its too many people? 

my new friends are great, i am happy i made the steps and efforts to develop friendships with arabella and alana. they are great inspirations and supports into becoming the woman i want to be and will be. we’re alll very different and similar and i like that, i like that they challenge me to think outside of my box. i have enjoyed and immersed myself in feminine energy. 

i love alex. we went through so much in the end of LA, i learned alot about myself as a friend and continue to do so

briney i love briney, she keeps me afloat and hopefully i do the same. our relationship in the past months has strengthened. 

and lastly i realized i care too much about what people think which is so dumb but we’re working on it. no judging 

lesson: Be grateful and prioritize quality time with those i love and cherish 

-Lifestyle

idk if this goes under this category, but i realllly realllyyyyyy played myself this last semester with my priorities, i cant even recall what i did the first half of my semester. I learned it causes me stress and we take preventative steps here at shuco inc. 

THERES SO MUCH MORE BUT I WILL CONTINUE LATER