#also lets be real i'm explaining this as babys first social interaction for a reason

[mutantrenegade]

Matt, Let's Talk

Hello photographer matthew, head bitch in charge of hellsite, let's have a chat. Don't worry, I'm gonna be cool about it, just calm down and take a seat, have some tea.

Matt, you did a transphobia.

I know you say you aren't transphobic and for now, i'll give you the benefit of a doubt on that one and assume it's true, but like, buddy, pallie, salt of the earth, sugar lumpkin doodles, you did a transphobia.

You probably didn't mean to do a transphobia and probably don't like that all us trannies are mad at you right now, but you did a transphobia.

I know what predstrogen said you to hurt your feelings, i get it, you aren't used to having people vaugepost about your death like most of the trans people on this site are. But see, what you do is, ignore it. Or in this case. Step back for a second and realize what's happening is a trans woman was feeling frustrated and scared because people on your site had been harassing her heavily for months on end and the lack of response from your staff made her feel like your staff didn't care about her and maybe was actively rooting for the people who wished her harm. And if you think it was unfair that she felt that way about your staff. Maaaaaaaybe it's actually a sign you need to try harder to focus on making this site safer for trans women.

Maybe if your userbase is so fast to assume your staff and you personally hate trans people, maybe you should be more worried about why we have reached this conclusion rather than being mad it's being said to your face. Because this site does feel like it doesn't give a shit about trans people especially trans women.

Maybe if your staff is working hard to ban transphobes from this site, it means you have a larger problem because transphobes are fucking everywhere man. Like they just are. Several of them have shown up in my inbox recently telling me i should harass a trans woman over things that aren't my fuckin business.

Maybe think that if you are crossing social media sites to pick a fight with the person you banned for the mean words, that you might be the one worrying to much about it especially when predstrogen does not know you nor would have any ability to contact you.

And I get that it's scary when people say violent things about you online, they've said them about me. I actually had to contact the FBI once over things people said to me online. It was leagues worse and leagues more specific than what predstrogen said to you. You need to let it go man, you are the CEO of a company, people are gonna be mad at you sometimes and you have to have thicker skin than coming off a sabbatical to dm random trans women asking why they don't like you.

Just like, say you fucked up man. Say that you did in fact do an accidental transphobia and then try and fix the things that made you think you weren't doing an accidental transphobia. It's not that hard man. Just drop the ego, admit you did a stupid, and try harder.

[buns-is-sinning]

The 5th popularity poll results are finally out !!

┏━━━━°⌜ Table of contents ⌟°━━━━┓

• Who did I vote for 'n why?

• Why are the results so different this year?

• What happened to Hawks and Endeavor?

• Shiggy!

• Chara placement explanation

• Poll Artwork

︵୨🎐୧┗━━━━°⌜ 目次 ⌟°━━━━┛୨🎐୧‿

Who did I vote for 'n why? -

Hawks! ..surprisingly. I knew Katsuki would make 1st place anyway (which is what I wanted) but I also wanted hawks to get on the list.

If I'd vote now I'd probably be Shiggy

Why are the results so different this year? -

• My first suspicion was that a lot of new fans started voting ...but it turns out there are actually fewer votes in the top ten this year !

• Maybe people know their actual favorites better by now, so they don't just choose who they liked best in the new season but overall.

• Maybe some charas got hyped or talked about more in events etc. In japan than here.

• I can't say for sure but it's so strange to me. Before this poll there weren't any drastic changes in the polls and most of the votes were comprehensible.

What happened to Hawks and Endeavor? -

• Hawks

↳ The last popularity roll was after he was first introduced . He immediately went on 4th place. I cannot explain to myself how he isn't in the top ten at all now. This is so damn weird .

It's not like he doesn't have fans fangirls he's extremely popular . I was already confused why he isn't getting any official merch by now but now I'm just ��ａｍｂｏｏｚｌｅｄ

• Endeavor

↳ He has been around since the first poll and was never on any spot in the list (1-20) but then in the 4th poll he went to nr.8 . Now he's gone again.

↳ I think this is because of his redemption arc it seemed like he was bettering himself but it became more and more clear that it's not really doing anything w his family.

↳ Another reason might be that we don't have as many interactions of him with Hawks as before ??

Shiggy! -

• AAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

• I'm so damn happy ! - he really deserves this after the villain arc etc. ppl respecc and appreciate him a lot more .

• These are his placements from start to finish 19th→16th→15th→24th→6th

↳ Look at that big ass jump!! I think we all know why this happened but I just really needed to share it with y'all!

Character placement explanation

1. Bakugou Katsuki 💢 爆豪勝己

Why ?

↳ In my opinion there are lots of justifiable reasons for him to win and keep winning.

• Personality , character development , entertainment , looks , fangirls , waterfalls

•he is kind of an 'outcast' under the students and heroes . Which is also the reason shigaraki thought he'd be easy to 'convert to the dark side' . What i think is the important point in this is that he doesn't do that. His determination to his goal is what is so inspiring in my opinion.

•He's never afraid to say what he thinks and wouldn't lie either. Brutal honesty is entertaining to watch and sometimes you just want someone to say what you would be afraid to.

I'm sure even if you don't like him you've heard all the reasons why he's likable already, so I'm gonna move on now - If you want me to discuss why , how and what makes him so likable/popular tell me in an ask or the comments!!

Does he deserve it?

↳ This is a popularity poll.... There isn't really any debate on whether the opinion is right or wrong. I understand why some fans don't like him but seeing people get mad about a poll like this is straight up ridiculous. You don't like the chara that's popular? - then vote for your fav to be able to compete . Talk more about them and why they're great instead of just listening reasons why the currently popular character isn't.

//Tiny note - this isn't about literally everyone that dislikes him . Only people who act as stated//

• I would say because this isn't a right or wrong thing yes of course he does. Whoever wins does , because it's not about the characters actions being morally superior but his likability and connection he has with the fandom/audience.

If we wanna make a poll on which character is the most angel I'd say baby Deku wins! 🖤

2. Midoriya Izuku 🐰 緑谷 出 久.

I was actually surprised that he got on top of Shouto //no pun intended(͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)// They did have more tight votes than the others .

• It isn't too wild for him to be in second place the more I think about it.

↳ He too has matured and had some major character development taking place from ch.1 to now. The major complaint from ppl who didn't like him was that he's a 'crybaby'. He doesn't cry as often now and if he does it's almost always understandable . His attitude and self-esteem has also gone up quite a bit compared to the first chapters .

He kept all the good stuff in his personality and improved on the 'annoying' stuff . ( I personally never thought he was ¯(°_o)/¯ )

• All around he has a good heart , is more likable than most protagonists , is always working on improving himself , soft boy with the goal to save people. A genuine, non-superficial , real hero at heart.

3. Todoroki Shouto ❄🔥 轟 焦凍

We all knew he was gonna be in the top 3

with all the fangirls he's got ... Mh but let's just say even the people that don't love him usually like him. I don't think I've heard a person shit talk Shouto . 🤔

• I personally didn't really pay attention to him until the U.A. Sports Festival Arc! - I know shocking .

In all the arcs after that I kept liking him more and more. I would even say he's one of my favorite characters at this point.

• There are again loads of reasons to like him. We are watching his personal journey into human/social interaction and a normal life outside his toxic household with him. There is genuine tragedy in his story that he himself didn't understand . God damn remember when he said that it was also his fault his mom is gone. We really want to support and help him, but he isn't just a sad story. We see him succeed. We see how strong of a person he is .

There's a lot more I could say about him as well but you get the point.

• oh yeah.. He's also incredibly attractive.

Poll Artwork -

I absolutely love the way Horikoshi Sensei chooses specific themes for these. They're always something to look forward to and are a big part of what makes the popularity polls so exciting!

The designs are so creative and cool . I love that their placement numbers are discreetly incorporated into their suits - the only nitpick I could find is that the villains almost got no changes which is kind of sad in my opinion !

These are my three favorite outfits!!

Click for higher resolution and full pic

1. Katsuki & Kirishima

My lord if you would hold me at gunpoint and ask which I like more out of these two I'd probably get shot . They're so awesome! (I'm sorry this is just me geeking out at this point) I keep trying to type why they're so cool but I just keep writing “they're just so cool” over and over again.

2. Todoroki

One thing I never liked about his normal hero suit is that it's just very blank. It makes total sense with his personality and the hero suit of his father being so different, which is why it works but just looking at it gives me the desire for more!

This. This is what I would love as his normal hero suit!

Tell me your thoughts by commenting or reblogging ^^

I am not a native english speaker

⌈ 𝗣𝗟𝗨𝗦 𝗨𝗟𝗧𝗥𝗔 🗯

!!プルス ウルトラ!!

!!💓更に向こうへ!!

じゃあね 🌧⌋

[kane-and-griffin]

I'm really sad about something I don't understand and was hoping you could explain. Why do people block without giving a reason to? I don't why it first seems like it's all going so well then the next you're blocked and you don't know why or what you did or said wrong? It's happened twice now and to say it hurts is an understatement.

Oh, my precious Kabby babies.  Circle up, it’s time for some firm butgentle life advice from Mom. 

First of all, unless I personally am the person who blocked you (whichI’m obviously not since we’re having this conversation!), in a very real sensethe short answer to this question is that you know I can’t actually answer thisquestion.  You’re asking me to tell youwhy a person I don’t know did a thing for which I have no context, and forwhich there could be a thousand reasons. So in a concrete, specific sense, my answer is: I do not know.

However.

(You knew there was going to be a however.)

Social media is a deeply personal avenue for self-expression and it’s also aworld where many of us spend a great deal of our time, which means that we havethe full and free right to customize it into exactly what we want it tobe.  The things that you post are personal reflections of you, which is  why it bums you out when someone mutes or blocks or doesn’t followback; it feels on some level like a personalrejection.  But the space you curate is also a personal reflection of you.  You have the rightto post anything you want and other people have the right to choose not to seeit.  Both of those rights are equal, eventhough you’re only on one side so naturally the other one feels like it’s insome way “wrong.”  

I’m speaking with zero context for what your preexisting relationship withthese people was beforehand (like obviously if it was a close friend and theyblocked you out of nowhere, you’re going to have to sort that out with themdirectly, I can’t advise you there), but it’s important to remember that theremay be no “right” and wrong” in this scenario.  It’s fully possible forboth of these things to peacefully coexist at the same time:

1) your absolute right to feel a little bit rejected and hurt that astranger on the internet made the choice that they didn’t want your socialmedia sphere to overlap with their social media sphere,

and

2) that other person’s absolute right to say “if something or someone makesme feel even the tiniest bit ‘nope’ I am purging it out of this space so it isexactly what I want and need it to be.” 

They don’t need to have a reason.  That sucks, when you’re on the receiving end of it, which all of us have been - it truly and genuinely sucks - but it’s also reality.  One of the hard truths that incidents like this make us sometimes have toface - and we don’t want to face these things, because they can feel reallyicky and vulnerable and ping all the little gremlins in our brain  - is this:

nobody on the internet owes you their time or attention foranything you do or say.

This sounds mean and brutal, and I don’t mean it to be, because you know mom loves you, but it’s incrediblyimportant, so I’m going to say it again to make sure that if nothing else, thisgets through:

nobody on the internet owes you their time or attention foranything you do or say.

The celebs you stan don’t owe you a response to your tweet, justbecause you want one.  The people you tag in meta don’t owe you rebloggingit to continue having that conversation with you forever, just because you wantto prove you’re right.  The fans of the fic you write for your mostpopular ship don’t owe you crossing over to give you hits on yourrare-pair fic if they don’t feel like it.  Nobody owes you a certainnumber of followers, nobody owes you a response to every anon you send them,nobody owes you finishing that fic you like in time for them to read it whenthey feel like reading it.  We owe each other one thing and one thingonly: basic human decency.  That’s it.  Everything else is freelyoffered to the world, and freely taken by the people who want it.  It’snot a transactional exchange.  If you make art or write fic and you put itout there into the world, you’ve done a cool thing, and whether it gets tenhits or thousands it was still worth doing.  There will be people whoaren’t interested, but if you get hung up on feeling rejected by that, it willparalyze you.

Social media is personal. That’s unavoidable.  It’s an extension of ourselves.  When someone is cruel to you or to one ofyour friends on the internet, even if it’s an anonymous stranger, it feelsshitty.  When you express an opinionabout something and a ton of people reblog it and the tags are full of “OMG YESTHISSSSS”, it feels great.  We all experiencethat in different ways.  Society has always selected arbitrary measures for young girls and women tolive up to in order to feel like they’re popular or they’re approved by thecool kids, and right now it’s things like “how many followers do you have” and “didyou get an RT from a celebrity” and “how many likes on your posts”.  So ona primal level, maybe having someone you thought was a friend block you on Twitter or Tumblr hits you in the same deep coreplace as having the cool kids not come to your birthday party.  That feeling is super real!  It brings upalllllll that deep stuff we try to hide and pretend that we’re aboveexperiencing, but we all have those squishy vulnerable inner selves that justneed the cool kids to like us and we feel bad when they don’t.  

I had this exact conversation with my therapist a few weeks ago when she wasgiving me a hard time because my book has 60 reviews on Amazon, of which likethe majority are 5 stars with two negative ones, and I have both the negativeones like memorized.  And she was like “CLAIRE.  WHAT THE HELL.  WHY DO YOU DO THIS?  58 POSITIVE AND YOU CANNOT QUOTE A SINGLEONE.  TWO SHITTY ONES AND YOU KNOW THEMVERBATIM.  THAT IS NOT HEALTHY BEHAVIOR.”  And I was like “… . okay fine when youput it that way, yes I do sound like a crazy person.”  So like my advice to you – advice which I havejust proven I am absolute garbage at taking myself, so like I may have justeroded my own credibility in my efforts to help – is to remember that you probablyhave a lot more than two followers so honestly this is probably not a badcollective ratio, and there may be lots of people who are very interested inwhat you have to say but you’ve focused a lot of your energy on these two people andit’s worth giving some thought as to why that is.

My question for you is this: what is the net negative impact of having thesetwo people block you on social media? Like in an actual, concrete way, separate from those sort of core gut “Ifeel unloved in this moment” feelings, what is the effect on your life?  You might be surprised.  It might be zero.  In which case, let yourself feel thosefeelings, experience them as valid, and then breathe through them and move onand keep on doin’ you. 

I’m pushing backon you a little bit here very gently because it feels, reading this anon, likeyou’ve made a determination of hurtful intent on the part of the person whoblocked you, or at the very least a certainty that this choice that made wasabout you and not about them.  That the fact that things seemed to be going fine and then they blocked you means you were somehow intentionally misled or mistreated.  Be really, really, really carefulabout deciding the cool girl didn’t come to your birthday party because she’s abitch who wanted to make you feel terrible and is sitting somewhere cackling atthe thought of your sad lil’ face waiting by the front door; maybe she didn’tcome to your birthday party because she has depression and it’s hard for her toleave the house sometimes and she knew your party would be loud and wild and crazyand too much for her brain to handle right now. Be careful about presuming negative intent with no proof it exists.  The internet makes this so easy, the internetconditions us for this, and itconditions us to respond in kind. The worst thing you could do here is to, like,make a callout post or subtweet in the hopes that it will get back to them andthey’ll feel bad, or to sic your other followers onto them, because that turnsthis into a situation that really doeshave a right and wrong; and since you don’t know if they were trying to makeyou feel shitty, or just went on a big block/mute purge to whittle their listdown for mental health reasons that are totally their own, once things escalateyou can’t put the horse back in the barn. It’s too late.  Now it’s A Thing,when maybe it never really needed to be A Thing.  And in almost all situations for almost allpeople in almost all ways, Kabby Mom’s advice is going to be, “please thinkcarefully before you make this A Thing.”

This got long, I’ve been having a lot of thoughts lately about theconversations I’m always having with fandom folks the way we let social mediapermeate and shape our sense of self, in good ways and bad, so I apologize formy verbosity but also not really because that’s how things roll over in KabbyMom’s Advice Corner.  But I will sum upin bullet points for those of you who have been skimming, to bring you up tospeed:

Everyone has the right to curate their own social media spacehowever they see fit, and they don’t have to explain their reasons.

They aren’t obligated to include you in that space even if you want themto.

None of that is an objective measure of your worth as a person or a signthat you should stop being you on the internet.

Your feelings of rejection come from a real place and you get to feelthem, as long as

You are striving to move through them without permitting them to paralyzeyou, and finally

You never use someone else’s choice to curate their social media sphere as ajustification for treating them like crap.

Focus on your positive interactions instead of negative ones – your friends,creating stuff and putting it out into the universe – whether it be art, fic,opinions, a podcast, gifsets, crackposts, whatever – and your social mediaworld will be a better place.

In the immortal words of the great Michael J. Fox, “What other people thinkof me is none of my business.”

[canyouhearthechurchbellsringing]

#41: As Close to the Truth About Ali as I'm Going to Get

01/28/17

     FTP: I was actually just rereading entry #7 again before I sat down to upload this one. As I have repeatedly expressed from the start, the original entries do not accurately depict the events they portrayed. Honestly I’m more embarassed I let myself fall into the trap Darek set for me. It seems things have been… reversed, in a sense, now… but you’ll understand once it is all up.

08/28/16

           I’m typing this up at the library and saving it to a flash drive I’ll be carrying with me. It’s a half-hour walk here in the hot Florida sun, so I don’t know how often I can work on it, but at least I’ll have the records again. And if I can’t easily write, Darek can’t easily edit. Unfortunately that hasn’t stopped him from screwing with my head. If nothing else, I will be able to record the basics of what I go through as I struggle to discover what has happened these past few months. Once I’m more situated with better web access, I can proceed to flesh out the notes I’ve taken into complete entries. Writing has always been a helpful tool to sort out my mind, especially in times of duress like this where I desperately need to focus on priorities.

08/24/16           

           I remembered the doorway.

           The memories were not malleable. They existed in the peripheral, and vanished when put into focus. Still, its significance acted as a magnetic attraction of sorts, such that it filled me with desire. Secrets, answers, rationalizations for the reason I was so crazy, things inside my mind hidden from itself, all existed beyond the doorway. I’d been there, maybe, but I just couldn’t remember anything behind that damn door.

           Then hands reached down and yanked me from my slumber. I jerked into my body haphazardly, in a state of nothing but sensations. Darkness veiled my eyes, a blanket smothered my body, and a distant hum tickled my ears, suggesting electrical appliances. For a moment I felt as though this was the Outer Layer and I was finally beyond the door. First impressions are everything, and let’s just say this one felt to me like another one of Darek’s nightmares-constricted, deprived of sight and sound in a hellish, pressing heat.

           I groaned, surprised at how raspy my voice sounded. At least it broke the trance of the whirring appliances; I could hear just fine. I could also feel my body, reassuring me that this was not a dream. I felt liquid pouring from my pores en masse. I wasn’t just sweaty; I was soaked. I tried to uncurl my body from the cocoon of blankets that weighed me down mightily. The effort was in vain. They denied me freedom, all tied and twisted in one another. I reconsidered my suspicion that this was a lucid nightmare, but something in me whispered the idea away. It wasn’t Darek’s voice. It could have been. He can imitate anyone’s voice where he is, be anything my mind can perceive. And as I’m thinking all this and growing paranoid, I’m hyper-aware of the bead of sweat trickling down my left cheek. I let out an exasperated exhale and found it bounced back into my chin. I groaned.

           I focused on myself meditatively. I took stock of each of my arms’ positions, bent at the elbow, across my chest. I tried sliding an arm upwards toward my head. It met no resistance. I smiled to myself in the dark. It was a human-sized Chinese finger trap. My hand slid up my throat, over my shoulder, and came fully free, snaking up the right side of my head.

           From there it was a simple matter of freeing myself from the trap, feeling along the seams and separating the ungodly amount of blankets carefully and calmly. By that time, of course, my panic had fled and my eyes had adjusted to the dark a bit. I seemed to be in a small room with a bed and some decorative furniture. On my left was an A/C unit which had been the source of the electrical buzzing. I immediately lowered the temperature several degrees. On my right I discovered a bedside table with a lamp on it. Illuminating the room, I saw for the first time a TV across from the bed and a small kitchen area in the back. I was a long way from home.

           This is where things got interesting. Beside this lamp I found an index card with writing on it. WELCOME TO YOUR NEW HOUSE. On the lined side, a second message: PREPARE TO HEAR FROM AN OLD FRIEND HAHAHAHAHAHA. In the center of that he had added half a set of coordinates.

WEST 80 16  11.4954

           The illusion of the nightmare fell upon me again, harder, as my grasp on reality unraveled. Harder and harder it became to fight off the cloying certainty that this was nothing but a dream, another hallucinatory delusion where I made my home, but it was too visceral. The canonity of it stood stalwart against my hopeful barrage.

           I didn’t know what happened in the past few months, wasn’t sure ho much time had been taken from me, but I was able to grasp that I had been yanked out of my home and removed from everything familiar by an ambiguous, intimidating being living in a realm beyond imagination. I stepped out of the motel room. It was no paradise but at least it had cable. Looking down on the street below, I gathered myself. Occasionally, a car would drive by, breaking the silence of the night. My mind latched onto the sound of the cars passing, seeking peace in disorder.

           I didn’t know what had happened. I didn’t know what was going to come. I knew I needed to do anything I could, talk to everyone I knew, to figure out what Darek did in the past six or so months. However, it looked like it was the dead of night at the moment, and I did not want to start this journey at three in the morning. Aside from that, I was strangely drained in spite of the bizarre circumstances I found myself in. It felt like I had been awake for a couple days. For all I knew my body had been. I reentered my room after a short period and delved into a dreamless sleep.

           The first thing I did upon waking, finding the sun fully risen, was take an inventory of what I had. There were suitcases full of clothes in the corner. The fridge was stocked with plenty of food. There were even a few fantasy novels stacked on the toilet. Darek’s little note sat mocking me on the table. Beside it I had placed the contents of my pocket. This amounted to a wallet and a phone, both of which I did not recognize, as well as thirty six cents (one quarter, one dime, and one penny).

           The wallet contained my driver’s license, my college ID (long-since unused and ripe with the scuffs of age), an EBT food stamps card (explaining the stocked fridge), a library card, and six one-dollar bills. I checked the license and it listed my parents’ old address despite looking brand-new. It was replaced during my fugue but held no pertinent info on where I had been or what Darek had done.The wallet looked ratty and worn out. There were a few tears along the edges; nothing else about it struck me as relevant or unusual.

           The phone was one of those cheap-looking Verizon phones. It had 266.04 minutes on it and 368 service days left on it. The background was a plain black screen After unlocking the screen I immediately checked my contacts list. I recognized Casey’s number right away nder the name “Stupid Fucking Bitch”; Darek clearly wasn’t fond of her. I tried calling but the number was out of service. There were several names and numbers I did not recognize, such as “J” and “Mike Herb”. If I had to hazard a guess, I’d say they were drug connects. The only other numbers in the phone that drew my attention were one marked “Baby” (Darek had a girlfriend?) and a weird string of numbers that couldn’t be a local phone number saved under “K” (2622946016). Aside from the contacts, the storage on the device contained default images and ringtones. I also discovered an installed Twitter app. Darek had apparently made an account in my name on July 27th. I made a few posts but I suspect he has his own plans for it, so I don’t intend to use it for conventional social interaction. The phone didn’t have any of my family members’ numbers or any others I recognized. I was wary about using any of the contacts I didn’t personally know to hunt down information. I would save it as a last resort. From the calendar I learned it was the twenty-fourth of August. A solid half a year had gone by in the blink of an eye.

           I had to take a walk after learning that to clear my head. The whole time Darek was humming a song I recognized from the radio by Bob Seger. Maybe just because it was Darek it really unsettled me. Maybe it was everything else on top of it. Whatever the root of my jumpiness, I nearly leapt out of my skin when my phone started ringing in my pocket. Of course the ringtone was the same song. I pulled it out of my pocket. The caller ID said “Baby.” Warily, I pressed the green button.

           "Hello?“

           "Hey babe. How are you?”

           A couple of things happened simultaneously. Shocked by the voice on the other end, I let the phone slip right out of my hand. As that was going on, Darek started laughing. I guess he found some humor in my reaction. I honestly did not expect to hear the voice of a dead girl on the line.

           Distantly, in the background, her voice echoed from the phone. “Hello? Are you okay?” Numbly, I groped for the device, my universe turned upside down.

           "This can’t be real.“ I whispered. “You can’t be real.”

           Confused herself, she responded. “What are you talking about Darek?” Hearing that, his laughter only grew in intensity. I was stunned into silence for a moment. Finally, my mouth remembered how to form syllables and I spoke.

           "What did you just call me?“

           Cautious and confused, she responded. "Darek? Oh…. oh. Oh God. Mat, I’m so sorry, I didn’t know—”

           "What?“ I snapped. "Didn’t know I wasn’t your boyfriend? Well I didn’t know you were even alive, so whatever!”

           "What are you talking about?“

           The memory rose, vague and fuzzy. It seemed everything from before that lengthy slumber was hazy and unclear. Still, the rush of wind, the blaring horn, the stark cold terror came as easily as an old friend. "My logs?” I managed weakly. “The third or fourth one where I pushed you in front of a moving vehicle…”

           Darek’s laughter had subsided, but that comment brought it back on in the distant recesses of my head, a light snicker at some humor I couldn’t perceive through my grand confusion.

           "You mean Halloween?“ Ali said, understanding dawning in her tone. "When we had that huge fight and stopped talking… I thought you’d never want to see me again… then Darek started talking to me online, and it was kind of like having my best friend back.”

           "Sounded to me like the two of you were a little more than best friends.“

           Vividly, clearly, I relived that fateful night again. This time, as I screamed at Ali, I saw her burst into tears, turn, and run off down the sidewalk. The truck passed by, the wind picking up my hair. Nobody died. Nothing else happened. Memory troubles? Darek cooed from my subconscious. Ain’t that a pain?

           "Look,” Ali began unsteadily, “I was really lonely and he was there for me. It just sort of… happened. It was as natural as breathing.”

           Silence followed. A gnawing question beat at my mental processes as I tried to digest the situation. “Were you in love with him?” I finally asked.

           She paused, considering her answer. “Mat… I am in love with him. And you. I love every part of you.” The hot Florida sun beat down overhead as I walked down the street. It all seemed unreal. Here was a girl I thought was dead telling me she was in love with someone who didn’t technically exist. Here was a girl I thought was dead who was now my only hint as to what happened over the past several months. It was too much to take.

           "No.“ I managed numbly. "Do not do this to me. No, not you, please. Ali, anyone but you.”

           "I’m sorry!“ She cried. "I’m so sorry!”

           "That doesn’t change a thing. Everyone’s sorry.“ And it was true. In fact it was something Darek was fond of saying. If human beings were any one thing, it was certainly sorry. The whole lot of them were a sorry excuse for living things.

           "So…” she paused, searching for the right words. “Is our relationship over now?”

           "As far as I’m concerned,“ I answered coldly, "it never started.” Part of me was happy to know she was alive. But mostly I just knew that I didn’t want her to have any misconceptions about my feelings. I had to be cold and direct. Her silence still made me feel guilty and wicked. I could sense Darek basking in the dark emotions dancing around my head.

           "Look, I just—” I began.

           She cut me off before I could explain. “It’s okay! He told me from day one that it was only a temporary arrangement.”

           The defeated way she said that made me feel like, despite it, she hoped it would have been permanent. “I just… I’m sorry.” There. I said it. “A chunk of my life is missing and I’m desperate to fill it. To understand. Why am I in some random motel? How?”

           "I can help you.“ She answered. “But only in the ways he permitted.”

           "Oh God.“ I couldn’t help it. "The psycho you fell in love with gave you rules?”

           "… don’t make it sound like that.“

           I sighed. Any information was better than none. "What CAN you tell me?”

           "I have logs.“ She said. "They’re on a flash drive. He told me to send them to you when you… woke up. Supposedly they’re accounts of your time on the Outer Layer.”

           The Outer Layer again. Of course. I wasn’t nowhere while Darek was wreaking havoc with my body. I must have been spending my time in the place beyond the doorway. This was the first bit of good news I’d had since waking up and I was eager to pursue it.

           "When can you get them to me?“

           "Someone’s excited.”

           I almost laughed at that. Almost. “Try desperate and confused.”

           That elicited a giggle from her end of the line.  Between the burning sun and the warm phone against my ear, I was starting to feel pretty hot. Noticing a clump of trees, I proceeded to stop and sit in the shade to cool off a bit.

           "Okay, look,“ she said, "I’ll send you what I have ASAP. I’ll send it via eMail. You still have that gMail account, right? Just… sit tight.”

           I was already doing that, so it didn’t seem like an impossible request. On a whim, I decided to ask another question. “I don’t suppose you know anything else about my life in the past several months, do you?”

           "Sorry,“ she answered lamely. "When I saw you, I had, um… other things on my mind…”

           I shuddered to think what she could be referring to. “It’s… okay.”

           "You sure?“

           I wasn’t. "As okay as it’s going to get. Thanks, Ali.”

           "If you need anything…“

           "I know.” I hung up and lay back in the grass as cars zoomed by and the world continued to turn. I had a sneaking suspicion this was not the last of Darek’s little surprises. I did not look forward to finding more startling truths out, but I knew I couldn’t just let time waste away. I had a lot of work to do if I wanted any semblance of a normal life back.

           I began my trek again in time. Thoughts tumbled around discordantly between Darek and Ali and myself. He played the voices that weren’t my own.

           I am in love with him. And you. I love every part of you.

           No, Ali, please, don’t do this to me. Anyone but you.

           It’s okay! He told me from day one it was only a temporary arrangement…

           A few incessant loops of that and I found myself at the library. I already had a card so it was a simple matter to make a computer reservation. Immediately upon accessing a library computer, I looked up gMail.

           I tried to open gMail up, but, for whatever reason, the library internet insisted it was inapporriate for a public setting. That just pissed me off. I left the library angry and sick, not looking forward to a long and thought-laden walk home.