#also like thats a fr thing cuz young me didnt know there were things called fandom back then

[aria0fgold]

My brain just beamed me thoughts of my childhood anime and the realization that the moment I noticed how much I like Inuyasha's dynamic with Sango a lot more, they would've turned out to be my very first rarepair but alas... It instead became the catalyst of me finally losing my hyperfixation of 10 years on it.

[pinksparklelps]

I remember back in fifth grade

Girls were already acting all “i need makeup” and stuff because lets be honest, all children like to do that. My sisters 6 and asks my mom to put makeup on her jus cuz its fun for her. I prolly did it too

My best friend got a bf (fr i was like wha how) and they were together for maybe a week or more

She accused him of ‘cheating’ and i was a kinda messenger between the two

Now, this guy was also my friend, i met him a couple grades back. We also all did an after school dance program together called dea so they couldn’t avoid each other easily

They stopped talking about it entirely and practically forget the other existed tho

And younger me had the audacity to ask my bffs ‘ex’ if he liked me

Listen listen, we were all young we all wanted to grow up and i didnt know any better

But I believe my main drive for that was i didnt feel affection for boys at all, even into middle school. I just liked to draw and write, and ironically all my friends were boys

I had very few female friends cuz they were kinda stuck up and i felt really out of place

Ive never heard of lgbt until halfway thru 6th grade when someone i was talking to online asked me to be her gf and it got me all confused about myself

It was all “girls like boys and boys like girls” and i thought that it was an obligation that i get a bf

My mindset was kind of “people say girls and boys date so i should to.” But the whole not liking boys thing got me more mixed up

I had thought that i was just loveless and i wasnt feeling emotion and i got so upset because i felt like i was failing. Failing what/who? I have no idea

In 6th grade i still didnt understand and always found myself thinking that other girls were cute n stuff. But its a known thing that girls always call each other cute just as friends cuz thats what girls do

It was only after that online friends question to be girlfriends that i wondered if maybe there was smth going on here

And thats how i found out im a lesbian (i questioned it for a while and even thought i might be bi or pan but no, im just les. The questioning lasted sooooo long i was beginning to think there was smth wrong with me)

Extra thing about the girl who got me questioning my sexuality:

That girl who asked me to be her gf was my first relationship. We were together for about a year and talked thru amino (ikr) since its all we had and we couldnt have discord (also we didnt know it existed)

I created a character inspired by her (now scraped), we bonded over common interests (mainly hamilton), and played ponytown together

Maybe around 6 or 7 months of this she messages me that shes suddenly breaking up with me and that she lied

This was when i was in 6th grade so i was maybe 12-13? And she told me she was in 8th grade

In the break up message she says how she lied about being in 8th grade and that she was actually in 5th or 6th i cant remember

So that really messed me up because i trusted her a lot with some of my secrets and it couldve worked out since we were around the same age (how i thought back then)

I was really angry and tore up all the art i drew for her and completely erased the character i made inspired by her. That whole confession maybe started the whole trust issues thing because that is a pretty important lie to tell. We were both kids so i cant particularly blame her but that really stuck with me

Especially since 6th grade was around when i started developing depression and my anxiety/social anxiety was getting more heightened. All of these were undiagnosed at the time because it was more mild and only just starting out