#also no one’s talking about the fact that apparently he really likes instant oatmeal???

[wist-eri]

// drdt ch 2 ep 11 spoilers

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well guess who i spontaneously drew this morning

closeups below!!

[aliceslantern]

Give/Take, a Kingdom Hearts fanfic, chapter 5

Ienzo has been too busy since the war to be overwhelmed by the past. But with little progress to be made in his work with Kairi, old nightmares start to invade.

Riku is a glorified housesitter. Lonely and faced with no choice but to wait for a way to find his friends, he eagerly accepts when Ienzo asks him to help do repairs around the castle. Before long, the two strike up an unlikely friendship, united by their dark pasts and their attempts to be better people.

But just as they begin to consider something more... Kairi wakes up.

Ienzoku (Ienzo/Riku), post-Melody of Memory, slow burn. Updates Thursdays until it's done.

Chapter summary:  Ienzo and Riku's friendship begins to deepen, raising questions about what they might feel about what another. Time passes.

Read it on FF.net/on AO3

---

Ienzo was exhausted.

The walk back from town felt longer than it ever had. Cid had tried his best to offer advice, but as it were, he couldn’t do much. Ienzo’s limbs felt heavy, the soles of his shoes worn thin from so many hours on his feet. I really should get new boots, he thought.

At least he was able to identify this feeling now, unlike the first time it had happened. He needed to try and sleep, if so for an hour or two. He didn’t want to collapse again. It was not a very flattering look. The first time it had happened, Aeleus had panicked and contacted Even, and the lecture Ienzo had received afterwards was not pleasant.

He knew better now. Rest first; at least a little. He forced himself to lay down and was so burnt out he slept dreamlessly, almost breathlessly, waking up just after dawn with an unpleasant crick in his neck. The notion of waking up for once not in a nightmare-induced panic was a bit disorienting; he blinked.

Ahead of Ienzo was another long day of no progress being made. He knew in his bones that was what would happen, but couldn’t justify doing much else. He took a shower, put on some clean clothes, and went to the communal kitchen to go get a cup of coffee, hoping that someone had filled the pot already.

Someone had, but not the someone he’d thought.

“Oh… sorry,” Riku said. “I figured I’d just… make some for all of us.”

Ienzo shook his head a little. “So you got in.”

“Yesterday. I helped Aeleus with some painting.” There was something jittery, almost nervous in Riku’s expression. Ienzo thought back to their last encounter and bit his lip.

“Oh. That’s good. Oatmeal? I was going to make some for myself.”

“If it’s not too much trouble.”

It was still a bit uncomfortable, admittedly, to have his back towards him. Ienzo’s face was burning, and his heart was beating hard again, but not quite with the same panic as before. “I know Aeleus isn’t exactly the chattiest if one doesn’t know him well.”

“...Actually… he and I kinda had a good conversation. About…”

“Castle Oblivion.”

“What else?” he chuckled.

Ienzo dumped in the oats and turned to look at him.

“It’s just hard for me to pretend that never happened. Not since I’m here.”

“And since you quite literally live there now,” Ienzo added.

He shrugged. “Well. Staying there, anyway.”

He stirred their breakfast. “Is it very strange?”

“It’s eerie,” Riku admitted. “I’m the only one there.”

“...No wonder you’re looking for any reason not to be there.”

After a moment, Riku added, “it wouldn’t be so bad if I actually had things to do.”

Ienzo added some honey and sugar. “You don’t like being bored, do you?”

“I already think too much,” Riku said. “With nothing to work towards… I feel useless.”

“I know that feeling well.” He smiled a little despite himself. At least these were instant oats, so there wasn’t much awkward faffing around while he waited and waited for it to cook. He spooned some out for each of them and sat.

It felt a little odd, sharing a meal. Something too mundane and too human. “Thanks for cooking,” Riku said.

“Thank you for the coffee,” Ienzo said back. “Really. You don’t need to be so stiff or so polite around me.”

“Sometimes I’m not sure what else to say.”

“You don’t always have to say anything.”

“What if I want to sound smart like you guys?”

He laughed. “We’re not smart. We’re educated. There’s a difference.”

“I don’t know about that. Hearing you guys talk about--data, and principles, and heartlines, and all this other stuff… sometimes it just sounds like gibberish to me.” He chuckled. His grin was a bit lopsided, Ienzo noted. He liked the character it brought to Riku’s face, different than the obvious mask he’d been wearing. And I’m probably doing the same.

“Sometimes it is gibberish,” Ienzo said. “I swear Even likes hearing himself talk.”

“...I think you do too.”

His eyebrows shot up; it took a moment to realize he was teasing him, and even longer to come up with a response. “...Perhaps theatricality is part of my nature,” he said lamely. He wished he could stop blushing. “What of it?”

“But yet I also so don’t get you.”

He blinked. “How so?”

Riku cocked his head. “I dunno. There’s just something… I can’t put my finger on. Some people are just such open books. Like Sora. But you… I thought I understood Zexion. And when we met, I thought I got Ienzo . But now I’m not so sure.”

“May have something to do with the fact that I don’t get myself ,” Ienzo said dryly. Then, “Do you like that sort of intrigue?”

It was a rather bold statement, and it slipped out mostly by accident. He wasn’t sure why he said it, just that it felt natural in the moment. He realized this was less bantering, more… something else.

“Jury’s still out on that one, I’m afraid,” Riku replied equally.

“Then maybe I should try harder.” It was like a game, different than their earlier enmity. He almost wanted to know how far he could go, how hard he could push it. If Riku would snap at him for his impertinence. Or maybe Riku was so bored he wanted that impertinence.

Maybe Ienzo did too.

Riku flicked his eyebrows once. “Maybe you should,” he said. He stood to put his dishes in the sink. “As much fun as I’m having… I should do what I’m actually here for. Apparently I’m helping Dilan today.”

“Good luck to you.”

“Though--” He looked back. “Do you happen to have… any bobby pins I could borrow?”

---

It was odd, and confounding, to have him around more often. Running into him during or after meals. Seeing him around Dilan or Aeleus or even working on his own, his brows furrowed in concentration. Dilan reported--with something like confusion--that he was very good with his hands after all.

“I think it’s nice he’s being so helpful,” Ienzo said. “I was hoping I’d get to stop hearing you complain about having to do this work.”

“There’s so much to make habitable that it’s going to take far more than adding one to a staff of two,” Dilan said. “Perhaps if you got off your butt and did some work too.”

Ienzo rolled his eyes. “I am working. Quite hard.” On a mostly fruitless project, true. Every morning he walked into that lab and Kairi was still asleep, he felt a stab of guilt. They were wasting days of her life. But everything was coming out so-- ordinarily. Ansem insisted they had to trust that she was working with the process. But it had been nearly four months. And seeing Riku’s concern and disappointment whenever he found out no major strides had been made didn’t help.

Ienzo felt… useless. He found himself thinking more often of his days as a Nobody, when he felt like he was doing something, getting somewhere. Making discoveries.

Committing atrocities. Causing worlds to fall. Et cetera.

But this didn’t feel much like atonement either. He pulled his eyes away from the computer and looked at his hands, which to this day still looked rather naked without those black gloves. All I’ve done and I’m still here. Is there a reason for that? Or is this another of the universe’s jokes? Much like Xehanort had ascended rather than simply dying. Maybe he wanted karma, he wanted consequence, and vilification--

He looked back at the sleeping girl. He wanted to do good so badly . But he didn’t seem very “good” at that. “Excuse me,” he said to Ansem. “I need to walk for a minute. Clear my head.”

“By all means,” Ansem said, with a smile.

Ansem’s kindness made him feel guilty, too. Maybe Ienzo hadn’t been the one to usurp him, but after all, he had been the one to persuade Ansem into building that lab. Everything that happened after that was his fault. Staying busy… helped him keep on top of the memory. If he didn’t try to make up for what he did, why even have this life at all? It didn’t make sense.

But he couldn’t try to work like this.

Ienzo started walking. His eyes were hurting from all the time spent in front of screens. There had to be something he could do, something major all of them were missing--maybe he should go to the library, pull a few texts, something older than their research, a bit more mythic--

His head was starting to ache. He pinched the bridge of his nose.

“You--ah--okay?”

Riku startled him; he felt that jolt of accompanying panic and had to take a breath to settle himself. “Riku. I thought you were away.”

“...I just came back a few minutes ago. It turns out a self-cleaning castle doesn’t need a whole lot of babysitting.”

“I-I’m glad you’re motivated.”

“Idle hands make the devil’s work,” he said, with a trace of sarcasm. “Really, you okay?”

“I’m a bit frustrated,” he admitted. “When it comes to our work.”

“With Kairi,” he said, his face falling.

“Yes. It’s been… months, and we have… very little to show.”

“Ansem said this would be a long shot,” Riku reminded him.

“But I’d hoped for more than quite literally nothing. It makes me feel…” Why was he telling him all this?

“Let me guess. Useless?” he offered.

“Wholly and completely. I left to try and clear my head. If you’d like to talk to Even--”

“That’s alright.”

Ienzo smiled a little. “I think I just need to get out of here for a few minutes. Get coffee… or something. That is, if the weather isn’t awful.”

“It kinda always is lately, isn’t it?” Riku said, with a sigh.

“You must miss the warmth.”

He seemed to go far away for a moment. “I guess so.”

“Do you want to come with me?”

He jerked. “What?”

“On my walk? For coffee? Or…” Checking his watch. “I should probably eat…” He scowled.

Riku chuckled. “What’s that mean?”

“Right… you wouldn’t know, would you?” He shook his head. “Nobodies don’t have to eat. Or sleep, for that matter. That is to say… I’m not quite used to it. Which I’m sure sounds very strange.”

“Huh,” he said. “You know, I think I sort of get it. When I was… possessed by the seeker of darkness, I kinda felt the same.”

“Isn’t it bizarre?” Ienzo asked. He hadn’t realized how much he wanted to talk about this.

“...I guess darkness is hungry in other ways,” he said. “Though… I never fully lost my heart the way you did.”

He hummed. “Well. I’ll get my coat and boots, and then we’ll go?”

“Alright.”

---

True to form, it was snowing, fat white flakes falling from the sky. At least it wasn't so painfully cold, and Ienzo's wool coat kept him warm enough. "I guess there aren't seasons on Destiny Islands," he began, feeling the need to chat.

"I thought you'd been," Riku began cautiously.

"...No," Ienzo said.

"But your… illusion of it was so spot-on."

His heart was beating hard and fast. "That's partially due to your and Sora's memories, and partially due to the nature of Castle Oblivion," he said. "Usually I can't-- couldn't, " he corrected, "make something so intense without experience. I think that's the only reason Xemnas let me onto the field, in the end." He cleared his throat. "No, I've never been. How do noodles sound?"

"Um, fine."

They got some from a stand and sat at a table under a covered courtyard. Despite outdoor space heaters, it was still rather cold. They ate in silence for a moment.

"It does have seasons," Riku said, in a low voice. "Not like here, not the four. But… yeah. The dry season, the wet rainy season, hot, and… slightly less hot."

Ienzo chuckled. "Do you miss it?"

Riku didn't speak for a moment, and he wondered if he'd hit a nerve. "More than I thought I would," he said. "I guess… part of it is the simplicity of life, that I had. I hated it, though. The thought that I would spend my whole life confined to a handful of islands."

"...It must've felt suffocating."

"It did," he admitted. "Though now I want to go back to the way things were. ...At least until I get sick of it again."

"You have options now," Ienzo said.

"I guess so."

He picked at his food with his chopsticks. "Did you have a happy childhood there?" He asked

Riku smirked. "Why do you ask? I thought we didn't always have  to say anything."

Ienzo's heart stuttered again. This game was getting deliberate, he realized. "How dare I seek to get to know you better."

"I'm just honestly surprised you're asking me that. "

"Why? Considering I spend my waking days examining old memory… I think I deserve a conversation about it."

He leaned back in his chair. His jacket pulled a bit tighter across his chest, revealing a bit of definition Ienzo definitely noticed, and he found his mouth dry and his head a bit empty. It took a moment to recover. He realized, coldly, he was ogling him with interest , and his breathing picked up a bit.

Oh no.

Riky raised an eyebrow. "Ienzo? You okay?"

He'd never felt this way. Was this supposed to be how it felt? He didn't deserve this sort of thing, he wasn't even sure he deserved friends--

He leaned back over the table. "You're breathing kind of hard. Why are you anxious?"

Ienzo felt so beautifully and so awfully seen. He wasn't used to feeling and he wasn't used to anyone recognizing what he was feeling--how could he ever be good enough--

"Ienzo. Look at me. It's okay."

He shook his head, keeping his eyes on the table.

"Was it a memory? Did you remember something?"

He shook his head again.

"Look at me," he repeated. "Look up. You're alright. It's only anxiety."

"Only," he spat. His chest was tight and he was nauseous.

"I know. Believe me, I know. It sucks. It's the worst. But it's not forever."

"This is humiliating."

"Why? It's just me. No one else is around. The weather is too shitty." He offered a smile.

"I don't want to--I'm not used to--" He couldn't think clearly.

"Breathe. Nice and deep."

He tried; it hurt. His eyes were watering. "You… you feel like this?"

"...A lot, actually."

"So many things I don't understand." He'd studied mental illness for years and he couldn't even recognize an anxiety attack that wasn't triggered by memory.

"It's okay. It doesn't usually make sense." He felt pressure and realized Riku had taken his hand and, moreover, he was squeezing it hard. Ienzo jerked his own back.

"What were you thinking about? Can you tell me?" He asked.

Ienzo swallowed. "Do you ever feel…" He shouldn't say this, he should say it was too personal, and Riku wouldn't pry. "Undeserving?"

"Of?"

"Everything, the people around you, your friends, just--having a body--"

Unflinchingly, he said, "yes. Always. But you know… I'm starting to learn that just because I did bad stuff in the past doesn't mean I have to make myself pay for it forever."

"How?"

"How what?"

"How do you realize that?" He needed the answer.

"Look, you want to be better, right? And you're working hard on that? Why punish yourself? I…" He exhaled. "That's hard for me to grasp most of the time too. But for whatever reason we're here. That has to mean something. We were given second chances. Chances to make choices."

"What kind of choice?"

"Who we'll be."

It felt like a weight was leaving him, though how or why he wasn't sure.

"No Organization. No… Ansem, or Xemnas. Just us."

"I guess so," he said wearily. “How did you do it?”

“Do what?”

“Just… forgive yourself. Move on.”

Riku laughed a little. “Well I’m not done, exactly. Not even close. I just… I don’t know. At some point suffering gets… pointless. It doesn’t help anyone. It just… wastes time.”

Ienzo blinked back the tears. “That actually makes sense.”

“I’m not going to pretend to understand everything that happened with you. But I think…” He exhaled. “Dunno. If you ever feel like you need to talk about it, you can start with me. Cause I know how much it sucks to try and do this all alone.”

Ienzo looked him in the eye at long last. He seemed to mean it, really and genuinely. “Right,” he said softly. “Right. Okay.”

“Why don’t we walk for a little while? That might help.”

“Alright.” Ienzo cleared his throat. They went to give back their empty bowls. Finally he made himself say it. “Thank you, Riku.’

He shook his head. “It’s the least I can do.”

---

Riku found himself looking forward to his time in Radiant Garden, even though the winters there were wet, cold, and generally miserable. The castle didn’t have adequate heating; this was part of his repair job, actually. They’d been using mostly fireplaces and space heaters, but it would be more effective--especially seeing the literal ice rain down from the sky--to have the central heating up and running.

Riku was used to working with Aeleus now, his quiet calm demeanor. They didn’t talk much, but this suited Riku. Sometimes, depending on how hands-on the work was, his left wrist would ache for hours. Dilan wasn’t as pleasant of a partner. And sometimes, Riku worked totally alone.

But at least if he were working here he was close to Kairi, and it was something constructive to do . It made him feel just the slightest bit less lonely, even though the ache of missing them never went away.

He dreamt of Sora often, usually nightmares of Sora lost, injured, or worse. At least with Kairi here he knew she was physically okay. (Though there were, admittedly, dreams of her turning up braindead from being asleep so long.) Sora must feel so alone, wherever he was. He was so dependent on his friends. Riku just wanted him back home, safe and sound.

Though at least he had someone to talk to, now.

Over the days and weeks that followed, through the worst of winter, he and Ienzo actually spent a good amount of time together, even if they just sat down for a cup of coffee or went for a walk. Riku guessed they were both lonely, but as their conversations evolved, he realized… he and Ienzo were actually a lot alike. Their relationships to darkness and their pasts. Their general reservedness. The dark humor.

Riku… liked spending time with Ienzo.

Every now and again he saw the other boy staring at him, his head slightly cocked, his eyes running so lightly against Riku’s arms, or his jaw. He’d first noticed the day Ienzo had that anxiety attack. And on some level, Riku knew he himself was attractive, if the behavior of the girls and some of the guys at his high school had meant anything. Even if that “attractiveness” came from unusually colored hair and symmetrical features and simply taking care of himself. At first, the notion that Ienzo might find him attractive too was terrifying.

But ever since he’d felt that first jump in his pulse, he… started to feel it, too. Ienzo’s delicate face, the gracefulness of his hands. The glint in his eye. Would it be so harmful to flirt with him? They already had several times.

Yes, said the voice in his head that sounded like Kairi. For one, it’s a huge conflict of interest. You need him to do his best work to help me , right? Which he can’t do if he’s distracted by you.

Riku felt a stab of guilt. But they weren’t getting much done anyway, he thought. Ienzo had explained the process to him a few times (it had sort of become white noise every time, even though he had tried to listen and understand, instead watching the way his lips moved and trying to keep his expression neutral), and the data they were receiving wasn’t conclusive. She might still be digging through her deeper memory. Considering she had sixteen years’ of it, this might take… a long time.

And the three of them worked more or less around the clock, too. There had been a few times when Riku went down in the middle of the night, unable to sleep, hoping to sit with Kairi for a little while, alone. Someone was usually down there--usually, in fact, it was Ienzo, or a bit more rarely Even. He saw the bags under their eyes, their pale skin, the yawns and the endless cups of coffee. It wasn’t for lack of trying.

Winter coasted to an end, and spring seemed to pass quickly, too. His hair was finally long enough to pull back without the use of pins, and he was grateful because they always fell out or slid around. As the tepid heat that passed for Radiant Garden’s summer began to bleed in, Riku realized it had been nearly nine months since Kairi was asleep.

And it hurt. Here he was, awake, alive , alone , and almost a full year had passed. Sora’s birthday in March had been agony to get through, almost like he was dead and not missing. Now he was faced with the prospect of Kairi’s.

“...Are you alright?” Ienzo asked him during their customary walk. Even though it was summer, he still wore a button-up, done all the way up to the top. At least this one had short sleeves, the muscles in his arms more pronounced than Riku might’ve thought. Books were heavy, he decided.

“I…” He trailed off.

Ienzo smiled. “Riku, we’ve talked about this,” he said in a slightly scolding tone (Riku tried to ignore the way his heart beat faster). “Lying and saying we’re fine gets us nowhere.”

“Pot calling the kettle black,” he said instantly. “Look, I’m just thinking… it’s August, right? It’s… almost Kairi’s birthday.”

“Oh,” Ienzo said softly. “I didn’t know.”

“It just… makes me realize how much time has passed.” He looked away from Ienzo, back out at the cobble roads in front of them. “And I know you guys are working as hard as you can--”

“It’s been endlessly frustrating and disheartening for me to have to tell you time and again there’s no progress.”

“I know. I know. I just…” He swallowed the unexpected lump in his throat.

“You miss them.”

“They’re my best friends. And working around here helps , but I’m just so… I don’t know how much more waiting around I can do.”

Ienzo frowned. “I think of it this way, and this may help you,” he said. “Naminé was able to restore Sora’s memories in a year. He was only fifteen, and she was only one person. But there are the three of us, and Kairi, working hard on this memory dive to see if we can find any connection to Sora. I think… I just have a feeling that something might happen around that year mark. Try not to lose hope just yet.” He gave Riku’s hand one small squeeze, enough to make him nearly stumble over his words.

“I’m trying. It’s just… not easy. It feels like… it’s been so long since I was able to just be friends with them, like there hasn’t ever not been a time we were all separated looking for each other. Sometimes I wonder if it’s ever going to end.”

“I’m sure it must feel that way,” he said, a bit more gently. “But… knowing what I know about the three of you, the bonds are too strong for that separation to be final.”

“You really believe that,” Riku said dryly.

“I really do.” He lifted his chin a bit defiantly. “And seeing as I’m your source for all things scientific… you have no choice but to believe me.”

Riku chuckled.

“...Besides, if enough time passes, we can attempt to release her from her sleep,” Ienzo said. “Actually talk to her. That might be helpful.”

They’d brought this up before, briefly. “But it’s her heart that’s asleep, right? We can’t just wake it up until it’s ready.”

“A good friend of mine has a power that has something to do with that,” Ienzo said, raising an eyebrow.

He pressed a hand to his forehead.

“Did you forget?” Ienzo asked.

“I didn’t… forget . I just didn’t think it would work.”

“Well, to be fair I’m not completely sure it will,” he said. “But it’s worth trying, I think.”

Riku nodded. “Some expert you are,” he said, in an attempt to lighten the mood.

Ienzo rolled his eyes.

[gobigorgohome2016]

Fitness Check: Tobacco Road Half Marathon

Race weekends are so weird. I will never understand how time can move so quickly, yet so slowly, in the span of 48 hours.  

Today I raced the Tobacco Road Half Marathon in Cary, North Carolina.  Everything about this weekend seemed to embody the dichotomy of fast and slow.  

I arrived in NC early Friday afternoon, around 11 AM.  I think this race was first on my radar because my teammate, Andie Cozzarelli, lives in Raleigh and mentioned it to me the last time she raced the Indy Monumental Marathon.  My main motivation for choosing races this year was to choose ones where I could win money.

In the past chasing cash has scared me, because I have been afraid of the gnawing anger / frustration / embarrassment / resentment when the race doesn’t go the way I had hoped, and I don’t win the money I had anticipated.  There is also a factor where trying to win money, and then losing it, makes it feel more real, and scary in a way.  Which is something I need to confront.  

Friday was a lot of fun. Andie and I went for a run, watched approximately 30,000 episodes of Friends, then went out to dinner at an Italian restaurant in downtown Raleigh.  I had possibly the best seafood risotto I have ever tasted, paired with a delicious red wine.  Afterwards we watched more Friends.  What I love about my Haute Volee teammates is that they have pretty seamlessly filled the gap that was left after college during racing weekends.  Whenever Andie and I are together we run, do a little bit of work, watch some tv, eat, and talk to the point of exhaustion – just like my college days with my roommates.

Saturday I joined Andie for the end of her long run, then we headed over to the cutest coffee shop I have ever seen for a volee meet up.  A friend of mine who I hadn’t seen since high school lives in Raleigh, and we got together for lunch at a Japanese restaurant.  I ordered pho, solely for the reason that this time last year I went out to dinner with the ZAP Fitness team in Jacksonville and ate pho before running a PR.  

After parting ways with my friend, I took an uber to my hotel.  One of very few perks of Dave traveling all the time is that he can hook me up with Mariott hotels when I am out of town.  I was able to have a suite with a kitchen.  By the time I checked in at 2 PM, I only had 3 hours before the expo closed and I had to pick up my packet (no race day packet pick up).  I still needed another short run, and the expo was 2.5 miles away, so I naturally ran there.  Except, there was no sidewalk.  So I ran on the shoulder of a super busy and scary road.  #fail

By the time I got back to my hotel, I was pretty exhausted.  Even though I had really done nothing in the past 24 hours, I also felt like I had done everything.   I still needed to find some groceries, because I had already eaten the pre-race breakfast I had packed.  #secondfail

Grocery stores were really far away, but, Instacart exists in Cary!  Many struggles and 45 minutes of indecision later, I finally place my order for 18 larabars (literally), yogurt, two blood oranges, a box of instant oatmeal, 3 bananas, a beer, a dark chocolate bar, two kombuchas, and a small carton of orange juice.  Why did I order 18 larabars?  Well, I either could choose to pay $10 for delivery, or reach a certain threshold for free delivery.  18 larabars it was.  

I watched Loyola upset Tennessee, then excitedly got ready for bed because I was SO TIRED.  I had no idea the race was at 7 AM, which meant a 4 AM wake up call.  I turned off the lights at 9, but then COULDN’T FALL ASLEEP.  Normally, sleeping the night before a race is not a problem for me.  I wasn’t even thinking about the race, I just couldn’t fall asleep once I turned out the lights.  First the room was too hot.  Then I had to switch around my pillows.  Then I had to go to the bathroom.  Then the room was too cold.  Then every single person who walked down the hallway sounded like an elephant.  Then I started my period and was having cramps (seriously, my last 10 of 14 races I have started my period within 24 hours of the race.  It’s bizarre).  I remember looking at the clock at 2 AM and thinking to myself, just get 90 minutes of sleep.  

Even though I didn’t get a good night’s rest, I woke up feeling pretty good.  I had my breakfast and watched MTV.  I’ve had to give up coffee before races because I don’t think it does anything for me.  Instead, I drink green tea.  I packed a hand-made tea bag of roasted green tea that I bought in San Francisco for my morning cuppa.  

My friend, Tim, picked me up at 5 AM to head over to the start.  You know what’s cool about racing competitively?  You accumulate friends all across the country who are willing to do things like drive out of their way to pick you up.  

The next part is pretty standard:  talk with your runner friends while waiting for the start, use the porta potty 30 times, run warm up, do drills, take off clothes, pee in the woods because the porta potty line is too long, do some strides, get nervous, gun goes off, fall into rhythm.

Funny story:  the Tobacco Road is a crushed gravel trail. Basically, this race weekend was the most type B weekend of my life.  I had no idea it was a trail race because I didn’t read the website.  Honestly, I probably wouldn’t have done the race had I realized, but fortunately “trail” meant a nice crushed limestone / hard-packed dirt, tree-lined path.  

The course elevation map looked hilly.  I thought the race was going to be hilly.  Then people told me, no!  the course if very fast and flat!  I have determined that when you have a race in your hometown, you decide it is either the hardest, hilliest race in the country, or the flattest and fastest. Well, this race was neither.  The first 2.5 miles (and subsequently the final 2.5 miles) were moderate rollers, while the middle miles on the tobacco trail were long, gradual inclines / declines.  There were a few areas that were more treacherous than others, but nothing worse than that random gravel path we had to run down at the Trials.  

My plan had been to start at 5:45 effort and make adjustments as necessary.  Fortunately we warmed up on the first mile of the course so I realized that 5:45 effort was going to be significantly slower, because of both the wind and the hill.  My first mile was ~5:52 (I think).  I had overheard eventual race winner talking on the line with someone and make plans to go for 73ish min.  My plan was to let her go, then reassess the situation at 4 miles and figure out what I needed to do to catch her.  Meanwhile, within the first mile it became apparent there was going to be a struggle for second.  A woman was right with me, and surging hard to try and drop me.  

photo cred:  Andie.  Taken ~2.5 mi into the race before the wheels fell off

A big goal of mine this year has been to compete more.  To be honest, I don’t love this situation.  I am very comfortable running alone.  I don’t love to do battle at the time (of course if I come out on top I’ll tell you otherwise).  So, every time she made a surge, I went with her and then put in a surge of my own.  I did this 4 or 5 times before dropping her for good, around the 6 mile mark. Splits that I remember:  3 miles, 17:30, 4 miles:  23:04; 5 miles:  28:50, 6.6 miles:  38:00. The way back was a death march of sorts. I’m not sure what happened. Certainly the way back had more long, gradual climbs, which are not as easy for me as steep hills (they never have been; I think it’s just the way my body is built and the fact that I grew up training in the dunes).  Also, I definitely thought the wind was in my face on the way out, but it turns out it was most certainly in my face after the turnaround (there was talk of a shifting wind conspiracy.  I would have to agree).  

Something I noticed during the race was that I was far less concerned about where I was on the course because my only goal in the short term was to stay in 2nd place. I knew that I was gaining on first, but I was also on the struggle bus myself.  There was a very real feeling at mile 8 of just get through 1k at a time.  

Final finishing time: 1:17:43.  

Am I happy with that? No.  To be honest, I am pretty disappointed.  But, I also realize I am incredibly fortunate to be able to say that a sub-78 minute half marathon is a “disappointment,” especially when I earned enough money to cover a student loan payment, a car payment, and a couple weeks of groceries.  It’s also a matter of perspective.  When I was training for my PR marathon, I ran a 5 mile road race 7 weeks before Twin Cities. I ran 28:45 and was beyond ecstatic with a new PR.  Today, I went through 5 miles in 28:50 and still had 8.1 miles to go.  7 weeks out from the trials I ran 1:17:19 on a course that was flat and didn’t have gravel.  To quote Brene Brown, the middle is messy, but that’s where the magic happens.  

I have had quite a few setbacks recently.  It’s hard to acknowledge setbacks, but also not allow them to let you feel like you’re spiraling out of control.   

My coach reminded me today that I strive way too hard for perfection, when all I have to be is good.

Regardless, I asked Coach Dean if I could set up an appointment with him this week, because I think a mental game tune-up never hurts.  

Even though I consider myself a highly Type A person, I did a whole lot of Type B things this weekend:

-have no idea I was running a trail race

-have no idea what time the trail race started (there was a point in time where I banned myself from running 7 AM races because it requires waking up at 4 AM…)

-wait to get my bib number until the last possible minute, then get stuck running down a highway

-forget to grab my gels when I went to the starting line

The great thing, though, is that none of this bothered me.  I think there was a point in time where I would have freaked the f*ck out if any one of these things happened, let alone all of them.  

So, what would I have done differently?  Absolutely nothing.  77:43 is where I’m at right now.  It’s not the worst place in the world to be, that’s for sure.  I wish I was faster, but all I can do about that is keep working and making the right investments into my training.