#also this continuous crap about “he's probably racist in real life”

[jenjulija]

Lately I've seen so many dumbass takes about Max even from blogs that have for a long time been supporting him that I wonder how many I've blocked and how many are left anymore🫠

[somuchyoudontknow]

Sophie I’m about to rant due to those freaking anon responses. The below is specifically to the anons who replied to the Lana post as well as the racist in this fandom, yes there are racist in this fandom.

To everyone else, you all have been great and entertaining to observe. Please continue to stand up against racism and problematic issues!

To the idiotic anons:

Wow, I never mentioned anything about Lana Del Ray’s, music but wow at you anons calling yourselves out.

People sat here for months berating others about Alba and how it’s wrong for Chris to associate with racist yet……I now see that many here excuse problematic behavior in various other ways in their own lives. This is why I knew many in this fandom never cared about racism.

To think this fandom is majority white and many in the fandom probably only gave a damn about #BlackLivesMatter once they saw Chris at a protest. 🙄

I recall the outcry many had over minority fans specially black women writing fan fics about Chris and being absolutely outraged, many got pissed, telling black fans to stop writing and claiming how he’d ever date a black woman in real life.

All the public interactions he’s had with black women and his legit flirting with black interviewers, yet how quick so many in this fandom were to say it meant nothing, yet let a brunette white woman follow him and all hell breaks loose about him dating said woman. 😒

See, this is why I remained mute about much of this shitshow, many have excused various other things yet claim to be mad at Alba over having racist friends when many of you probably do as well. Hell many in this fandom probably just “tolerate” minorities or have racist thoughts and views yet believe since you don’t act on said thoughts, it’s okay, ITS NOT!! If Chris wasn’t the prime topic I’m sure some of you would probably defend Alba’s ass.

Thanks for telling us all how you all really feel anons, I don’t give a damn who you listen to, many have called Lana problematic for various reasons, nothing to do solely with her freaking music but you all already know how problematic she is or else ……..you all would not have responded the way you did. #TrueColors

If Chris married outside of his race many of you would lose your ever loving shit and that’s the gospel truth.

Many here don’t hate the fact that Alba is problematic nor racist, you simply hate the fact that she was in the same proximity as Chris Evans regardless if you think this is real or PR and you all use all the bs she and her friends have done as an excuse to spew that jealous anger. Absolutely pathetic just like her!!!!

Also LSA (lipstick alley) was created to be a online space for BLACK women. Unfortunately that has changed over the past decade, but You know why many there have completely wrote Chris off? Because we as black people don’t tolerate any person claiming to be against racism, yet hangs, befriends or associates with fucking racist!!!!

Chris seemed like a great guy and now many won’t ever see him the same again all because of this stupid ass PR stunt. That is why many hate watched, they wanted proof this was PR and that this man wasn’t purposefully hanging with these racist, but now people simply don’t care anymore, they’re over this shitshow.

White privilege is a mofo, no one stopped to ask how Lana was problematic or what specific things she’s said or done….why? Because she never said or done anything considered offensive to you anons, but you all were so fucking quick to say (“what am I supposed to stop listening to her because of that?” “Why can’t we just separate the person from the art”, “I guess we shouldn’t support any celebrity since they are all problematic”, etc) if that’s how you all deal with racism and problematic behavior then it’s no wonder racism and other crap are still tolerated.

Anons you’re a bunch of enablers. To continue to support someone regardless of their bad behaviors speaks volumes. Kanye West acted a plump fool, I don’t care how great his music was…….I don’t listen nor support him, PERIOD!!!!!

Argue amongst yourselves, screw the racist in this fandom, I’m done! 🖕🏾

I am so sorry you are leaving but your mental peace is the most important so I understand it. There is no doubt there are many problems in this fandom. Please take care of yourself.

[magnoliapip]

Ranked: Mother of the Year (Choices) Main Characters

I can’t sleep so that means I need to make another list that I’m not going to proofread before I post, right? Of course it does. But before we start, please remember this is my opinion on who I liked best. Not who impacted the story the most, not who was the best written fictional character of all time, yada yada. This is my personal opinion of the characters I liked best.

Spoilers WILL be featured below. You have been warned.

#13 -- Tallulah Copeland

Tallulah is a parent to a child at Bernhardt Academy, a friend of Vanessa Blackwood, and an active member of the PTA. Hugo is her partner.

This woman. I would flat forget this woman existed until she would show up again just to wreak havoc on MC’s day, usually at someone else’s urging. Every single time she spoke, I just wanted it to be over and she is just an awful, AWFUL person. She’s also the only awful person in this book who never pretends to be nice and/or never apologizes for her actions. Just an all around nasty person.

#12 -- Hugo

Hugo is a parent of a child at Bernhardt Academy and an active member of the PTA. Tallulah is his significant other.

If you’re actually reading these little blurbs, you have to be wondering “MagnoliaPip? How in the hell is Hugo ranked lower than two other unmentionables in this story?”

Thank you for asking, no one ever.

Put frankly, Hugo just annoyed the crap out of me. I know that’s supposed to be part of his character, but it went above and beyond the scope of acceptable annoyance. I grew to hate every second he was speaking. He never really contributed anything to the plot other than some irritating drivel. He wasn’t an antagonist, but he also wasn’t a pleasing good guy. He’s also the reason I’m considering not re-reading this book again right away like I want to.

#11 -- Guy Ledford

This man. This. Man. THIS MAN!

This part is going to include major spoilers, y’all, so if you haven’t read it and are still intending to, skip away now!! Again, major spoilers from here on out kids.

Guy Ledford is your main character’s ex-husband who has been absent for four years since the start of the book and wants to reconnect with his daughter. He is also a CEO of a snack food company/app, Nomme. He is the main antagonist of the book.

The reason I didn’t rank him lower is he genuinely adds something to the plot. He IS the plot. He’s the reason this book exists. However, he is such a scumbag he deserves nothing. He feels like a trope for quite a lot of the time, but at least he’s not physically abusive like a true trope could have been (at least, I never noticed him being physically abusive). Just, you know, a gaslighting, manipulative, arrogant, rude, selfish son of a-

I also love that they named him “Guy”. I’ve only ever met one man named this in my life, so it’s funny to me that they named this jerk “Guy” so it’s not only the most generic sounding name (did his parents also get a dog named “Dog” and a cat named “Kitty”?), but also one that a lot of men won’t likely have so they don’t have to get name checked in relation to him.

I like that you can get a good outcome (Guy ends up with joint custody with visitations  every weekend and having to back pay) without spending diamonds in this game as long as you make the right choices, but for those who DID spend all of the diamonds, I would have liked to have seen Guy end up with worse. I would have liked to see, if you made most of the right choices and bought all of the diamond stuff, him ending up with every other weekend or maybe just visitation. I know he’s trying to be a good dad (but still an absolutely terrible human being), but every weekend seems like so much when your daughter is in school.

#10 -- Augustus Blackwood

August Blackwood is one of Vanessa Blackwood’s sons and is a student at Bernhardt Academy.

I’m not going to spend a lot of time on this one. But he hurt my daughter and that’s enough. I would have liked to have seen him fleshed out a little bit more beyond being basically just a schoolyard bully. His motivations for his actions are hinted on, but nothing is really ever done and he’s mostly just a prop for something to hurt your daughter.

#9 -- Vanessa Blackwood

Vanessa Blackwood is the president of the PTA, a single mom, and a lawyer and becomes an antagonist to your character.

I’m probably going to get hate for this, but I want to like Vanessa. Obviously, she’s hateful and offensive, in some very, very unredeemable ways, but there’s something about characters like that which makes me want to forgive them and teach them how to be better. How to rehabilitate their bitterness. I felt it with Olivia Nevrakis, I felt it with Victoria Fontaine, and I know certain people in the fandom felt it with Becca Davenport and Poppy Min-Sinclair. 

**DISCLAIMER** Keep in mind, I’m not trying to excuse homophobia and racism here. They are both despicable things and should be accounted for. However, after having grown up in a homophobic and racist home and learning to leave that shit in the dust by the time I was eighteen and SLOWLY teaching my family to do the same over the course of the last 10 years, I believe people can change if you give them room and help to. Not everyone will, not many people will, but I believe in giving the chance. We need to force people to take responsibility and learn from their mistakes. Should the book have been approved as a series rather than a stand alone, I think this might have been a very real option within book 2.

#8 -- Ajax “AJ” Blackwood

Ajax Blackwood is one of Vanessa Blackwood’s sons and a student at Bernhardt Academy.

AJ is the quieter of the Blackwood boys, AJ is a shy kid who hates that his brother is mean just as much as your daughter does. He finally has enough within the book and stands up to him, which was more than a little satisfying and he does seem to have a genuinely good heart. I think it would be so cute for him, your daughter, and Luz to be their own adorable trio of friends. 

#7 -- Levi Schuler

Levi Schuler is your neighbor who helps save the day for MC early on in the book and becomes a friend to both her and your daughter. He is also one of your love interests.

And if this list is going to invoke hate from the masses, it will be this entry that does it. I know how loved Levi is. And I love him too! I just find him, and his musician plot, to be a bit tiring. He’s a wonderfully supportive friend/love interest, just about one of the nicest people, and he’s great with your daughter. I swear, all of the love interests in this book would be god tier in any book. It’s truly unfair to the others that we got three amazing ones here along with a great cast of characters. However, since that did happen, Levi will sit here at #7. He can have a consolatory rugelach while I continue on.

#6 -- Faye Devore

Faye Devore is your ex-husband’s new girlfriend, a younger social media influencer.

I loved Faye. Right from the start, I loved Faye. I prayed they weren’t going to make this into one of those books where we were supposed to hate the “other woman” because those plots are old, outdated, and overused. Thankfully, MOTY lets us skirt right around it and we end up with a wonderful character like Faye, who is the human definition of having the best intentions.

She gets on well with your daughter, even pointing out to MC at one point that she thinks of her like a little sister, and goes above and beyond to make her happy. She is genuinely upset about going against MC’s wishes about your daughter appearing on social media and doesn’t appear to want to cause any harm or hard feelings with MC at any point during the book. In fact, she wants to be friends. 

I would have loved for this and for it to be fleshed out more, again, if we had ever gotten a book 2. I’m also that jerk who would have totally romanced her in a replay and would have emptied my wallet to get a scene in that hypothetical book 2 where Guy finds out. Take that homophobe!

#5 -- Dr. Eiko Matsunaga

Dr. Eiko Matsunaga is a science teacher who teaches at the private school your daughter goes to and becomes friendly with MC because of your daughter. She is also one of your love interests.

If I would have had a teacher like Dr. Matsunaga when I was in school, maybe I would have cared about science at any point during my childhood. Eiko is so incredibly smart but has a heart of gold. She could be off teaching at colleges or writing published journals, but she’s teaching elementary science at a private school and honestly enjoying herself! She wants to see children succeed and will give any child who wants to do so, like your daughter, all of the help they need.

I want to romance her. I want to be her friend. I want it all because I’m selfish even when I don’t because I could never possibly be worthy of the supremacy that is Eiko. Thank you for coming to my TED talk.

#4 -- Your Daughter / Zoey

Your daughter is 9 years old at the start of the book and desperately wants to be an astronaut. She is a science whiz and moves from public school to Bernhardt Academy at the beginning of the book to kickstart her education.

It makes me so sad that I will never actually have this child. “Zoey” is just so smart and funny and sweet and I love her so much. I spent so many diamonds on her. She’s a pixelated little bundle of amazing and I would die for her. That’s it.

#3 -- Alma Velasco

Alma Velasco is your neighbor, best friend, and (for part of the time) co-worker.

What did our character do to deserve such an amazing ride-or-die friend like Alma? She never disbelieves MC, is forever supportive as a shoulder to cry on and a supplier of good wine, and also helps MC out of more than one pinch. Seriously an amazing friend, and I wish we could have done something equally amazing for her to reciprocate.

#2 -- Thomas Mendez

Thomas Mendez is a lawyer and a single dad who becomes friends with MC very early on in the book. He is also one of your three love interests.

A big reason for why Thomas is at #2 is because of who #1 is but we’ll get there in a second.

There’s also something about Thomas that speaks to me as a person. It’s more than just being interested as a love interest or as a friend. There’s something about who he is. His awkwardness, his humor, his kindness and his generosity all make him someone I envy as much as I admire.

He takes on MC’s case pro bono when he doesn’t have to. He shrugs it off like it’s no big deal, but stepping back and looking at the it, by all accounts he was walking into a handily losing situation. He was also super busy at this time being a single parent himself and working on his class action lawsuit. That’s not even saying anything about him still grieving for Soledad.

However, the biggest reason I love Mr. Mendez is...

#1 -- Luz Mendez

Luz Mendez is a student at Bernhardt Academy who becomes best friends with your daughter early in the book. She is a soccer and art fan.

This little girl is the best thing I have ever read in my entire life. She made the entire book. Every character that came before her pales in comparison to her majesty. She is a goddamn queen and deserves everything.

Every scene with her is gold and I wish we had more. This little girl was completely willing to curb stomp someone with her cleats at the courthouse if something would have happened to your daughter. She is so aggressively herself and it is a joy to see. The relationship between her and her father is what really kept me going through the book’s more difficult spots. There is such true love and acceptance there, as well as the drive and desire to do better for the other than I just...There is really no way for me to properly explain the perfection that is Luz Mendez so I guess you’ll just have to read it yourself.

---

I’m not sure why it took me so long to start reading Mother of the Year (MOTY), but I’m so glad I did. In 3 days flat I binged the entire book, wasted so many accumulated diamonds, and had the time of my life. The cast of characters in MOTY is perfect and I wanted to rank them according to my opinion on which ones were the best. I ranked all of the characters I found to be profound enough to matter to the storyline or that MC or “Daughter” had enough interactions with to matter. As a result, there are several characters who didn’t make this list. 

Sound off below if you wish.

[solacekames]

8:08 AM PDT 8/16/2019 by Kareem Abdul-Jabbar

The NBA great and Hollywood Reporter columnist, a friend of the late martial arts star, believes the filmmaker was sloppy, somewhat racist and shirked his responsibility to basic truth in 'Once Upon a Time in Hollywood.'

Remember that time Dr. Martin Luther King Jr. kidney-punched a waiter for serving soggy croutons in his tomato soup? How about the time the Dalai Lama got wasted and spray-painted “Karma Is a Beach” on the Tibetan ambassador’s limo? Probably not, since they never happened. But they could happen if a filmmaker decides to write those scenes into his or her movie. And, even though we know the movie is fiction, those scenes will live on in our shared cultural conscience as impressions of those real people, thereby corrupting our memory of them built on their real-life actions.

That’s why filmmakers have a responsibility when playing with people’s perceptions of admired historic people to maintain a basic truth about the content of their character. Quentin Tarantino’s portrayal of Bruce Lee in Once Upon a Time in Hollywood does not live up to this standard. Of course, Tarantino has the artistic right to portray Bruce any way he wants. But to do so in such a sloppy and somewhat racist way is a failure both as an artist and as a human being.

This controversy has left me torn. Tarantino is one of my favorite filmmakers because he is so bold, uncompromising and unpredictable. There’s a giddy energy in his movies of someone who loves movies and wants you to love them, too. I attend each Tarantino film as if it were an event, knowing that his distillation of the ’60s and ’70s action movies will be much more entertaining than a simple homage. That’s what makes the Bruce Lee scenes so disappointing, not so much on a factual basis, but as a lapse of cultural awareness.

Bruce Lee was my friend and teacher. That doesn’t give him a free pass for how he’s portrayed in movies. But it does give me some insight into the man. I first met Bruce when I was a student at UCLA looking to continue my martial arts studies, which I started in New York City. We quickly developed a friendship as well as a student-teacher relationship. He taught me the discipline and spirituality of martial arts, which was greatly responsible for me being able to play competitively in the NBA for 20 years with very few injuries.

During our years of friendship, he spoke passionately about how frustrated he was with the stereotypical representation of Asians in film and TV. The only roles were for inscrutable villains or bowing servants. In Have Gun - Will Travel, Paladin’s faithful Chinese servant goes by the insulting name of “Hey Boy” (Kam Tong). He was replaced in season four by a female character referred to as “Hey Girl” (Lisa Lu). Asian men were portrayed as sexless accessories to a scene, while the women were subservient. This was how African-American men and women were generally portrayed until the advent of Sidney Poitier and blaxploitation films. Bruce was dedicated to changing the dismissive image of Asians through his acting, writing and promotion of Jeet Kune Do, his interpretation of martial arts.

That’s why it disturbs me that Tarantino chose to portray Bruce in such a one-dimensional way. The John Wayne machismo attitude of Cliff (Brad Pitt), an aging stuntman who defeats the arrogant, uppity Chinese guy harks back to the very stereotypes Bruce was trying to dismantle. Of course the blond, white beefcake American can beat your fancy Asian chopsocky dude because that foreign crap doesn’t fly here.

I might even go along with the skewered version of Bruce if that wasn’t the only significant scene with him, if we’d also seen a glimpse of his other traits, of his struggle to be taken seriously in Hollywood. Alas, he was just another Hey Boy prop to the scene. The scene is complicated by being presented as a flashback, but in a way that could suggest the stuntman’s memory is cartoonishly biased in his favor. Equally disturbing is the unresolved shadow that Cliff may have killed his wife with a spear gun because she nagged him. Classic Cliff. Is Cliff more heroic because he also doesn’t put up with outspoken women?

I was in public with Bruce several times when some random jerk would loudly challenge Bruce to a fight. He always politely declined and moved on. First rule of Bruce’s fight club was don’t fight — unless there is no other option. He felt no need to prove himself. He knew who he was and that the real fight wasn’t on the mat, it was on the screen in creating opportunities for Asians to be seen as more than grinning stereotypes. Unfortunately, Once Upon a Time in Hollywood prefers the good old ways.

[spookycerezacola]

Okay so I've been itching to post about this on here and wasn't sure until like 5 seconds ago so bare with me y'all, I'm probably gonna ramble sound insane as fuck. I know what happened was real and my faith has been solidified. I will give some context so y'all don't think I'm a raving lunatic like a couple of my friends do or one of those dabblers.

TW: Faith, spiritual violence, abuse, mental illness, threats, Santa Muerte, witchcraft/bitchcraft, astral projection, angels, el ojo, COVID, death, misogyny, bigotry. If any of this triggers you, do not read. Protect yourself and your mind.

First of all: I'm mixed. My dad is Mexican and my mom's parents are from Germany and Russia. I'm also white passing and have been very whitewashed my whole life. My grandma didn't teach my dad or my aunts spanish (it was the 6O's) and my grandpa didn't speak it. I barely know any and have been trying to learn but I'm terrible at studying. She was also Catholic but we were raised Apostolic (my parents' choice.) I've been trying to reclaim my heritage and find a faith that works for me. Gotten a lot of crap for it too. Racists and bigots are awful. Please know that I'm not some crappy white person trying to cherry pick.

Second: I've always felt things. Supernatural things. My parents thought it was the devil. As a child I was terrified of going to Hell because I didn't fit in with the ideal christian faith. I'm non-binary, pansexual, polyamorous; I am not mild-mannered, I support sex workers, drug users, and try to see the good in everyone. Also I mean, if you're reading this you've probably seen my blog and photos. I definitely do not fit the Apostolic aesthetic. Please keep in mind that my parents never told me I was going to Hell. They actually prayed for me all the time when I was going through spooky supernatural shit. But I had that fear that I was going to Hell because it was all I knew and I was different. I think it attracted things. Spirits, demons, whatever you want to call them. Things would come to me before I fell asleep or jolt me out of a dead sleep. I didn't see them but I knew they were there. They pulled my hair, laughed and breathed heavily in my ear, grabbed my legs. I had nightmares constantly. My room always felt heavy. Like I didn't know it then but thinking back it was awful. I slept with the lights on and prayed to Jesus for them to go away. They would for a little while but always came back. It happened again when my mental health was bad and while I was being abused.

Third: I am not a dabbler. I know the consequences. You do not pray to your gods, especially ones linked with death, without serious commitment. I was doing as much research as I could on Santa Muerte (all the stuff that was available in english and some stuff I could translate myself anyway) before I decided to devote myself. I was afraid, but like respectfully, if that makes sense?

So now that we've established that, buckle up bitches. You're in for a wild ride. Please review the TWs before you continue.

So for further backstory, I dated a fucking abusive prick for a few months. My partners did not like him and neither did my dad. They just knew. I didn't listen though. I didn't realize he was abusive until he was being so towards me. He threatened suicide all the time and I kept trying to get him help but he refused it. He would say vaguely bigoted things but manipulated me into believing that he wasn't one. He implied he preferred my feminity to my masculinity and told me I was "too emotional" when I shaved my hair off. He also pushed the boundaries of this sweetheart of a girl I know while we were dating her. I always felt on edge with him and couldn't figure out why until I was out with my friend one night and he called. He kept me on the phone the whole time we were out. When I finally was able to hang up without him being mad, my friend told me he reminded her of my abusive ex-gf. Long story short I broke up with him not too long after that.

It's been almost a year since I spoke to him. In that time I had changed my number and blocked him on all social media. I'm living with my partners and roommates in a house and life has been wonderful.

Then two days ago, someone came to me saying he was threatening suicide again. I was pissed. He was manipulating more people with his bullshit. I know I probably should have let it go but I was so done and so was the person who messaged me. This was probably very stupid on my part but I unblocked him and asked him if he was actually going to do it. I told him if he was I was going to call for a wellness check. He threatened suicide again and insulted my intelligence and job history. I made sure I took screenshots of his social media posts and our conversation before he blocked me.

I called the cops and explained the situation. That he would probably twist my words and use my mental illness as my reason for calling them. I don't know all the details after that. I know for sure that he was taken to the hospital but was released. I'm sure he manipulated them too.

I received a message from someone I didn't know and his current gf (he goes through them like they're fucking toys. It's sickening) threatening to take me to court for filing a "false" police report. I told them do it. That I knew the truth and had evidence. Of his abuse too. I showed her and she didn't believe me. She said I was "blackmailing" him. I think on some level she knew it was true because she did not deny the abuse allegations. Towards the end of the conversation, I'm positive he took her phone. It didn't sound like her writing to me. My intelligence was insulted and I was threatened again. After that I blocked her too.

So here's where things get weird. And honestly y'all can think what you want but I know what happened and I wasn't hallucinating:

I have fibro and covid. My symptoms have been mild. I felt better even. Like I couldn't wait to go back to work. But as I laid down I was in serious pain. I couldn't move much without it hurting. I was terrified and already a bit anxious from my encounter from my ex, so I called my doctor. She told me to dose with edibles and if it wasn't better in a couple hours I needed to be hospitalized. So my lovely sweet gf, bless her, basically drugged me on RSO caramel. But I was still scared. Scared to the point where I finally thought if I was gonna die, I should suck it up and pray to Santa Muerte to protect me and everyone. Please keep in mind that this happened right AFTER I was dosed and BEFORE it kicked in. I also wear an ojo around my wrist that I rarely remove.

I was laying there with my eyes closed. The caramel hadn't kicked in yet and I was still scared. Then, I shit you not, my ex was in the room. He doesn't know where I live and nobody saw him come in the house. He was in my face screaming, trying to hurt me. He was fully fleshed out but I know he wasn't actually physically there. I couldn't feel his touch when he tried to hit me. I got pissed again. I told him that he wasn't welcome, to be gone, and he vanished into thin air. Like in a puff of smoke or something. It looked that way.

I felt safe. Not afraid anymore. But instead of falling asleep I saw an eye. A giant eye. Bright blue. Like the Evil Eye. Then a thousand of them and so much fire. I couldn't hear anything but I swear it told me not to be afraid, that I was safe. I don't remember much after that. Apparently I messaged my mom and my house group chat crying, saying I saw an angel. I googled it and was shook. I may have grew up Christian but I didn't know about the passage in the bible. It was an Ophanim.

A few more spooky things happened after that. When I cleansed my room, my door opened and closed. When I bound my ex, he was outside my window. I live on the second floor of a house and the trees aren't that close. After my gf and I warded the property, he was gone. Today when I woke up I was nauseous and the ojo on my wrist burned. My gf cleansed it and right after I threw up and my vagina spotted a little.

I'm not nauseous anymore or bleeding anymore. My ojo doesn't burn and I feel a lot better. In fact I feel high. Safe. And I believe. I believe Santa Muerte sent the Ophanim to protect me. I believe she saved my life. And my ex is going to regret messing with me, whether he intentionally astro-projected into my room or not. I mean him no harm. He definitely fucked with the wrong person though.

[randomfandomfamily]

Made a post a while back about Little Cato’s lack of laughter (basically nonexistent, it’s actually really sad) and I spotted this in the comments:

So yeah.

Guess what I did.

Gary stood and slammed his hands down on the table. “Oh my crap!”

Avocato nearly choked. “What the hell, man?!” He put his cup down and glared up at his friend. “Warn a dude before you do that.”

“Yeah,” Ash said bitterly, her shirt soaked from the glass of water Fox had pretty much thrown when Gary startled him. “Some warning would have been nice.”

Mooncake floated around Gary’s head. “Chookity-pok.”

“Sorry about that,” Gary apologized, “But I just remembered something incredible.”

Quinn leaned forward. “What is it, Gary?”

“The two best jokes I have ever heard in my life,” Gary said seriously.

Sheryl perked up from the corner of the room. “Are they the ones your father used to tell?” Gary’s grin must have been answer enough, because Sheryl settled back against the wall. “Well then, let’s see if you tell them as well as he did, eh?”

Gary sat back down in his chair and cleared his throat. “Okay. Everyone ready?”

Fox bounced in his seat excitedly. “Oh man, I love jokes!” He frowned. “As long as they’re not rascist.” He narrowed his eyes. “It’s not racist, is it?”

“Nope. Not racist,” Gary reassured him. “So, the joke starts with three construction workers, and-”

“Why construction workers?” Ash asked.

“Because bricks,” Gary answered. “They have this big pile of bricks. And they get super bored, right? So they try to see who can throw one of these bricks up the highest. Problem is, the sun’s super bright, and they can’t see whose went the highest.

“But one of the guys gets an idea. The ground all around them is super muddy, so if they throw up in the bricks and land in the mud-”

“Then whoever’s sank deeper won!” Fox exclaimed.

Gary snapped and pointed at Fox. “Bingo. So the first guy throws up his brick. When it comes down it sinks about a foot into the mud.

“The second says, ‘Pfft, I can top that easy!’ and throws up his brick. And when it comes down it sinks three feet into the mud.

“Now this third guy is real confident. He grabs a brick and says, ‘Oh, yeah? Watch this!’ and he throws up his brick.”

Ash paused the slow process of wringing out her hair. “And?”

“And it doesn’t come back down.”

Everyone glanced at each other, smiles tentatively spreading across their faces. Mooncake landed on the table and gazed up at Gary in confusion. “Pok?”

Avocato hummed. “I’m with Mooncake. I’m not sure that was really much of a joke, Gary.”

Gary fought back a devious smile. “Alright, alright, that’s fair. But wait ‘till you hear this next one.

“A woman and her pet parrot-”

“What’s a parrot?” Fox asked.

Quinn patted Gary’s hand. “Not everyone here knows Earthen species of birds, Gary.”

“Oh right. Okay, so a parrot is a super smart bird that can mimic sound. You can even teach them to talk.”

“Whoa…” Fox said. “And she had one for a pet?”

“Right,” Gary confirmed, “And this lady wanted to take her parrot to see her mom. Because her mom loved parrots. There was just one problem: she was going to have to take a plane, and she couldn’t afford any that would allow her to have a pet on board.”

Ash raised an eyebrow. “Plane?”

“Um…” Gary thought for a moment. “Planes help people get from place to place by flying, but like, inside the atmosphere. Basically, planes are just domesticated spaceships. But anyway, back to the story.

“The only plane she can afford is one that has a bunch of rules. No outside food, no smoking, and worst of all, no pets.

“But she thinks for a while and she decides ‘I could get away with this’. So she sneaks the bird onto the plane by hiding it in her shirt. Everything’s great for a while, the bird is quiet and no one suspects a thing.

“Then the co-pilots comes through, he’s smoking a cigar and greeting people and making sure everyone’s doing okay.”

Fox scowled. “But I thought one of the rules was-”

Sheryl had moved away from the wall and closer to the table. She reached out a hand and patted Fox’s shoulder. “Wait for it, love.”

Gary and Sheryl shared a quick knowing glance before he continued the joke. “So the co-pilot comes through and stops next to her seat. He asks her how her flight’s going and she says everything’s going great.

“Just then, the parrot starts making noise, squawking and talking and just making quiet bird noise in general. The co-pilot gets mad and demands she remove the parrot from her shirt.

“She does, but the guy immediately snatches her bird away.”

“No!” Fox gasped.

“Yes,” Gary said, “And of course she gets mad. She stands up and tells the guy to give her the bird back but he says ‘No, pets aren’t allowed’ so she snatches the cigar out of his mouth and say ‘Cigars aren’t allowed either’.”

“Now the guy is really mad, and he opens up a window, saying ‘You can’t have pets on this plane!’ then he chucks the bird out the window. So the lady retaliates by opening another and window and saying ‘Well you can’t have cigars on this plane!’ and throws it out.

“Now they’re both angry, but they’re also drawing a lot of attention. The co-pilot decides to go back to the cockpit, and he’s all mad and huffy and grumbling to himself.

“But then!” Everyone freezes. “He hears a sound. Something is tapping on the window. He looks out and he sees the lady’s parrot.”

Fox pumped his fist. “Yes! Parrot lives.”

“Chookity!”

“Yep! Parrot lives!” Gary grinned. “And guess what the parrot had in its beak.”

Avocato spoke up. “The cigar?”

“No,” Gary said, “The brick.”

The room went dead silent for about ten seconds. Then a chorus of realization and laughter rang filled the room.

“The brick-”

“Oh my god!”

“Your father told it better, love.”

“You’re biased, Mom.”

“But- but the brick!”

Then another sound rose above the idle chatter and explosive laughter. At first Gary thought maybe they had an intruder on board, because he definitely didn’t recognize the voice he was hearing.

But then he spotted it. The source of the sound.

Little Cato.

Laughing.

Gary tried to remember the last time he had heard Little Cato laugh. And it wasn’t so much that he couldn’t remember, it had just… never happened.

He put his hand on top of Quinn’s head. “Wha-” He turned her so that she was looking at the younger Ventrexian. “Well, I’ll be damned.”

Ash caught sight of them staring and glanced around to find what had caught their attention. As soon as she saw the foreign sight of Little Cato’s laughing, she elbowed her brother. He looked annoyed until she pointed.

Little Cato didn’t seem to notice or care that everyone else had gone quiet. He smacked the table, hunched over in his seat and wheezing as he laughed. It sounded like it should have been loud, but it was too raspy to be as hearty as it could have been, almost like Little Cato’s vocal chords were unused to having a laugh pass through them.

Avocato frowned up at Gary. “What?”

Gary shushed him as Little Cato started to come down from his laughing high. “Dad, oh my gosh, that was the funniest thing I’ve ever heard.” He jumped up. “I gotta go write that down! I’ll be right back!”

As soon as Little Cato disappeared out of the room, Gary grabbed Quinn by the shoulders. “Holy crap! Did you hear that?!”

Quinn smiled. “Yes, Gary, I heard it.”

“He laughed!” Gary exclaimed. “Oh my crap, he laughed!” 

Fox blinked. “I’m his roommate. I ain’t never heard that before.”

Ash tucked her hair behind her ear. “You know, I never really thought about the fact that Little Cato never laughs. He should do that more often.”

“Strange,” Sherly said thoughtfully, “Sounded like the kid hasn’t laughed in years.”

Avocato stood up. “What the hell are you guys getting so worked up over? He just laughed.”

“Chookity-pok!”

“He’s right!” Gary said. “A very uncommon occurrence! I’ve known him for months now, and I’ve never heard that!”

Avocato blinked. “What do you mean? He’s the happiest kid I know, he laughs all the time.”

“Maybe he used to,” Fox said, “Not anymore.”

“You guys are serious?” Avocato asked. “But… he’s-”

Quinn put her hand on Little Cato’s arm. “Optimistic.”

“Not to mention upbeat,” Sheryl added. “I don’t think I’ve ever seen someone more excited about a reverse robbery.”

Avocato looked bemused. “A what?”

“Look, ya kid’s not happy, mate,” Sheryl said bluntly, “He’s optimistic and upbeat, but that’s not the same as happy.”

Gary shot her a look. “Mom.”

Sheryl shrugged. “What? I’m just saying what everyone else is thinking.”

“So the whole time I’ve been dead,” Avocato said slowly, “He’s just been… not happy?”

“To be fair, before he was with us, he was with the Lord Commander,” Gary reminded him, “I can’t imagine he’s laughed too much in the past three years. I mean, do you even remember the last time you heard him laugh?”

Avocato hesitated. “I…” He concentrated on the table. “He…” The Ventrexian ended up putting his face in his hands. “When I said I wanted to catch up on what’s been going on with my son, this is not what I had in mind.”

“Pok-pok-pok,” Mooncake interjected. “Chookity-pok.”

Gary smiled. “You’re right, Mooncake. No point in dwelling on the past.” He gave Avocato a friendly punch to the shoulder. “From now on, we make it our personal mission to make sure Little Cato laughs more. Deal?”

“I’m in,” Quinn said.

Ash raised her hand. “Me too. Except I don’t think I’m gonna be very good at it.”

“I’m his roommate,” Fox offered, “I could probably find something that’ll make him laugh.”

Avocato looked around at them. “Looks like my friend made some pretty good friends while I was gone, huh?”

“The best,” Gary agreed. “Now quick, before Little Cato gets back, does anyone know any more jokes?”

[theyearoftheking]

Book Thirty-Nine: The Green Mile

Hoooooly crap, y’all! This is the halfway point of this project: I’ve read thirty-nine books, and I have approximately thirty-nine more to go (depending what Steve releases before the end of the year). And honestly? If it wasn’t for COVID, and quarantine, and lots of time traveling (pre-COVID, of course); I wouldn’t have reached the halfway point. This probably would have turned into a two year project. But here we are, diving into The Green Mile!

Of all the Steve books, I dreaded re-reading The Green Mile the most. I had originally read it when it was first published, and it came out in chapters every few weeks. I’d breathlessly tear through a chapter, only to have to wait for the next one to be released. It was a pretty fun format, and I really wish I still had my original chapters. Oh well. 

But this time around, I didn’t think I was in the right head-space to read it, and the world sure as hell isn’t in the right head-space. The Green Mile was published in 1996, and takes place in 1932. It could very well have been set in our current climate. Just a few quotes for you...

“He got (his sentence) commuted mostly because he was white...”

“I think we have to be humane and generous to solve the race problem. But we have to remember that your negro will bite if he gets the chance, just like a mongrel dog will bite if he gets the chance and it crosses his mind to do so.” 

“John Coffey is a Negro, and in Trapingus County we’re awful particular about giving new trials to Negros...” 

NOTHING HAS FUCKING CHANGED SINCE 1932!! We are still hearing these same sentiments from people claiming, “I’m not a racist, but...” Our judicial system is still biased against POC, and the rate of incarceration for POC compared to whites is staggering. 

NOTHING HAS FUCKING CHANGED. And that’s the part that makes me the most sad. So, yeah, I wasn’t looking forward to cracking The Green Mile in our current climate. 

Few Steve books have touched me the way this one did. A fellow Constant Reader pointed out, “This is one of the only stories where he showcases the forces of good. We usually get ghosts and demons, but John Coffey may be the closest thing he has ever wrote of an angel...” Hot damn, Sam Beall, you’re not wrong. 

But in addition to forces of good, we’ve also got Percy Wetmore; who I feel is the nastiest Steve villain ever... he makes Randall Flagg and The Crimson King look like dudes who drink matcha lattes at a cat cafe, and compare notes on their polarized sunglasses. Percy Wetmore immediately activates my, “must kick hard in the junk” reflex. He. Is. The. Worst.

The Green Mile is told from the POV of Paul Edgecombe; a prison guard on “the green mile;” which is where convicted killers awaiting the death penalty are housed. “The green mile” refers to the long hallway inmates have to walk down to get to the electric chair.

 The story kicks off when John Coffey (like the drink but spelled different) is accused and found guilty of brutally raping and murdering two little blonde twin girls. He’s found on a riverbank, clutching their bodies, and crying, “I couldn’t help it, I tried to take it back, but it was too late...” 

So, Coffey makes his way onto The Mile, and shares space with Eduard Delacroix and his pet mouse Mr. Jingles; and William Wharton (Billy the Kid, or Wild Billy, depending on the day). Delacroix is French southern gentleman found guilty of murder, and then arson to hide the murder scene. He’s a bad guy... don’t get me wrong... but there’s something intensely likable about him. Maybe it’s the pet mouse he’s trained, maybe it’s his meek nature that Percy (another prison guard) takes advantage of... I don’t know. But you grow to like him, and the relationship he has with Mr. Jingles. Mr. Jingles randomly showed up one day, and the guards (except Percy) were all taken with him. After Percy attempts to smash him with a club, he takes to Delacroix and whispers in his ear that his name is Mr. Jingles. 

William Wharton is another story. He’s a wild card, who upon his arrival, promptly tries to strangle a prison guard. He also spits masticated Moon Pie at another guard. Sooo, he’s a lot of fun. 

The three of them live on the wing, and the first up for execution is Delacroix. Percy has a particular hatred of him, he claims he tried to grab his junk once. It didn’t happen... Del just got yanked along when he was in handcuffs and fell in Percy’s lap. The day before his execution, Percy thinks it might be fun to kill Mr. Jingles. Like I said... total fucking asshole. He stomps on him, and Del loses it. Mr. Jingles is the only thing he loves in the whole world... and maybe the only thing that loves him back. 

Thinking quickly, Coffey asks for Mr. Jingles little mousy body. Speaking of junk grabbing, he grabbed Paul and cured the UTI he had brewing for weeks. So, Paul is hopeful Coffey can use his miraculous healing abilities to do it again. And he does! Mr. Jingles lives!

But Percy’s not done being a scab on the balls of society. The night of Del’s execution, he tells him Mr. Jingles isn’t going to Mouseville like Paul promised he was (total lie- like telling kids a dog is going to live on a farm). And then, Percy doesn’t wet the sponge before placing it on Del’s head prior to his execution, so it’s horrible, painful and just horrible. So, Del is dead, Percy plays the, “I don’t know what happened!” card, and Mr. Jingles is gone. My heart. Of all the scenes in the book, I was dreading this one the most. 

Meanwhile, the prison warden, Hal Moores is struggling with the fact his wife Melinda has a massive brain tumor, and it’s starting to change her personality. He doesn’t know what to do. Paul thinks they should pack Coffey up, and take him out to the Moores’s house and have him heal Melinda. 

It’s a crazy idea, but it ends up working. The other prison guards drug Billy; and  put Percy in a straitjacket and throw him in the supply closet so he doesn’t notice anything is amiss. They tell him it’s payback for how Del’s death went down. So, they race out to see Hal and Melinda, and Coffey does his thing. They race back to the prison, and no one notices they’ve been gone. However, Coffey is in a bad way. This was much more healing than he’s used to doing, and he’s mentally and physically exhausted.

After they release Percy from the supply closet, Coffey grabs him and “kisses” him: which transfers the sick energy he got from Melinda into Percy. Percy then turns around, and shoots Wild Billy/Billy the Kid dead; and then becomes catatonic. 

He’s then carted off to the psych ward, which is too good for him. Fiery pits of hell would have been better. 

But wait!

Plot twist! Billy the Kid had briefly touched Coffey, and Coffey learned HE was the one who had killed the two little girls.  Paul puts this together as well, and tries to fight for Coffey’s release. He realizes Coffey’s words,  “I couldn’t help it, I tried to take it back, but it was too late...” were about his inability to heal the girls, not his guilt.

 When I had read the revelation the first time, I flew through the end, hoping and praying justice would be served, and Coffey wouldn’t be executed. Bad things didn’t happen to good people like John Coffey, right? Oh, how naive. There were A LOT of tears. 

But Coffey is at peace with his upcoming execution. He tells Paul, “I’m rightly tired of the pain I hear and feel, boss. I’m tired of bein on the road, lonely as a robin in the rain. Not ever havin no buddy to go on with or tell me where we’s comin from or goin to or why. I’m tired of people bein ugly to each other. It feels like pieces of glass in my head. I’m tired of all the times I’ve wanted to help and couldn’t. I’m tired of bein in the dark. Mostly it’s the pain. There’s too much...”

That right there makes me cry every damn time I read it. 

So, Coffey is executed, and life continues on; as it always seems to do. Paul is actually writing this story in his old age, at the  Georgia Pines nursing home. There’s an orderly there who’s just as evil as Percy, and he keeps trying to follow Paul on his daily walks outside. Where’s Paul going??? 

TO SEE MR. JINGLES!!! 

Yes! He’s still alive! It seems when Coffey healed people, it added onto their life expectancy. Mr. Jingles was still alive, and Paul was one hundred and four years old. But he knew his time was coming. He reflects on the loss of his beautiful wife, the people he knew on the Green Mile, the guards he worked with, and that mile seems LONG. 

Such a sad, beautiful end to an incredible work. This is another one I recommend to people who tell me they don’t like Stephen King. Try it... you’ll like it... when your heart is done breaking that is...

Total Wisconsin Mentions: 27

Total Dark Tower References: 38

Book Grade: A+

Rebecca’s Definitive Ranking of Stephen King Books

The Talisman: A+

Needful Things: A+

The Green Mile: A+

Rose Madder: A+

Misery: A+

Different Seasons: A+

It: A+

Four Past Midnight: A+

The Shining: A-

The Stand: A-

The Wastelands: A-

The Drawing of the Three: A-

Dolores Claiborne: A-

Nightmares in the Sky: B+

The Dark Half: B+

Skeleton Crew: B+

The Dead Zone: B+

Nightmares & Dreamscapes: B+

‘Salem’s Lot: B+

Carrie: B+

Creepshow: B+

Cycle of the Werewolf: B-

Danse Macabre: B-

The Running Man: C+

Thinner: C+

Dark Visions: C+

The Eyes of the Dragon: C+

The Long Walk: C+

The Gunslinger: C+

Pet Sematary: C+

Firestarter: C+

Rage: C

Insomnia: C-

Cujo: C-

Nightshift: C-

Gerald’s Game: D

Roadwork: D

Christine: D

The Tommyknockers: D-

Next is Desperation, which I know nothing about, other than it’s a real chonk of a book. 

Do me a favor, please? Stop being ugly to each other. Stop hurting gentle people like John Coffey. Please and thank you.

Until next time, Long Days & Pleasant Nights,

Rebecca

[wholesomeklei]

Japan Sinks: 2020 freaking sucked, but in a way that was almost good, which is arguably even more frustrating than it being straight-up awful.  Like, there was this good show struggling to get out, but it just couldn’t quite break free of all the crap.  Sorry, has to get that off my chest.  I’m done now.

...Never mind, I’m not done.  Spoilers below the cut.

Here’s a list of my major grievances with the series (there are more, but this got kind of long):

There was almost no chemistry between the characters.  A lot of the story centers around this family and a handful of tagalongs, but you hardly get the sense that they care about each other at all.  Emotional crises about character death (of which there is a LOT; more on that later) go barely-addressed, if they indeed happen at all.  One of the earliest deaths involves the father getting literally blown to bits in front of his family, and then they skip ahead to them moving on in the next episode.  The only one who still seems even remotely upset is the teenage girl.  Not even the little boy seems bothered; I don’t think I can remember him crying a single time in the entire series.  I get what they were TRYING to go for - the mother is upset, but she’s trying to stay strong for her children because she knows that stopping to mourn could get them killed - but instead it just comes across as all of the characters being robots except for the teenager.  I think one of the problems was that there’s not much depth of emotion in the facial expressions.  Almost nothing is expressed through animation that isn’t expressed in words, so if the characters aren’t talking about how sad they are, you have no idea.  Another character dies pretty unceremoniously in a way that’s clearly intended to make the teenager feel guilty despite her not technically being responsible, but they just leave her body behind, and she’s practically never brought up again.  Speaking of...

There aren’t any long-term consequences for any of the things they build up.  Early on, the teenage girl offers to share some of her water with an elderly couple, who proceed to take the whole bottle.  It was a really good, realistic scene, and it leaves you thinking, “Shit, that’s gonna come back to bite them in the ass later!” and it never does.  They find more water almost immediately.  Additionally, throughout the series, there’s also this looming threat posed by a cut on the teenage girl’s leg that’s clearly becoming more and more infected over time - the camera is constantly lingering on this injury like it’s gonna be a big deal - and it doesn’t become a real issue until after they’re rescued.  And even then, you think you’re in for some real emotional drama when the doctor says they have to amputate - the teenager is a relay racer, so losing her leg is a big fucking deal - but the next time you see her, we’ve already skipped ahead to the part where she’s running relay races with a prosthetic.  Like, that’s great and all, but come ON!  You spent the WHOLE SERIES building to this, and you can’t spare a couple minutes to let us feel anything?

We get almost zero insight into the backgrounds of most of the characters.  Like, we already know most of the family’s deal from their introductions in episode 1, but then they give us all these tagalongs who seem like they COULD be interesting people (an older girl who seems to be a friend of the family, a stoic former athlete, a paragliding Youtuber, an old man who does archery, and an obnoxious magician), but they almost never expand on any of it!  The older girl?  She dies unceremoniously and is mentioned maybe one time after that a few episodes later.  The stoic former athlete?  He finally breaks down in tears at one point about how he watched his mother die in front of him only for the rest of these seemingly heartless assholes to continue on with their dinnertime conversation without giving this dude so much as a comforting pat on the shoulder.  The Youtuber?  It’s briefly hinted at the end that he’s a trans guy in a blink-and-you’ll-miss-it moment of his younger self in a skirt (from a distance, so it’s hard to notice) with longer hair, but other than that, we have almost no insight into who he is as a person, what got him interested in flying and Youtube, etc.  Speaking of which...

The Youtuber is basically a living deus ex machina who exists only to occasionally disappear and inexplicably reappear with no explanation and some supplies to save the day.  His habit of constantly saving the day combined with the fact that in a cast of characters with realistic hair colors, he’s the only one whose hair is white (and it seems to be natural, not dye; his younger self also has white hair, and at no point in the series do his roots start to show) makes him feel more like somebody’s self-insert OC than a real person.  He even pulls a heroic sacrifice to save the characters at the end only to mysteriously wind up alive in the stadium to watch the teenage girl do relay post-amputation with zero explanation.  Like, don’t get me wrong, I’m glad the trans guy survived to the end, but could you please tell us HOW?

The time that could have been spent on character development is instead spent on a pointless cult subplot that lasts way too many episodes, accomplishes almost nothing except letting us trade in the racist archery grandpa and the annoying magician for the paralyzed savant who saw the disaster coming (again, these brief character descriptions make them sound much more interesting than they ultimately wind up being).  In yet another plot point with lots of build-up and no follow-through, we wind up in a peaceful, too-good-to-be-true cult where they put weed in everything and worship a lady claiming to be able to speak with the dead.  Are they using the drugs to manipulate people?  Is this some kind of cannibal cult where they use pot to cover up the taste of people?  Nope!  The twist is that the cult was genuinely a nice place, the leader’s powers are 100% real, and the drug stuff is completely inconsequential.  The final episode of this arc winds up being unintentionally hilarious as a bunch of characters get killed off in ways that are either overly anime for what was previously a relatively grounded show, or die in a realistic manner that’s nonetheless animated in a way that makes it completely hilarious.  I literally laughed out at the death of the cult leader’s child.  Like, I understood it was SUPPOSED to be sad, but it’s just so sudden that it winds up being hilarious.  One minute he’s standing there, and the next, BONK!  Death by ceiling chunk to the head.  (This is why most deaths by crushing/impact from above tend to be animated in a way that obscures the character’s face, BTW.)

There are too many character deaths.  There’s a big difference between “anyone CAN die” and “almost everyone WILL die.”  The first creates genuine tension, because you truly never know whether or not a character will survive a dangerous situation.  Allowing you to feel hope that a character could pull through makes it all the more impactful if they don’t.  Unfortunately, Japan Sinks: 2020 goes too far by practically killing off one character an episode, which winds up ruining the tension by ensuring that you never get attached to these characters (which you were already struggling to get attached to due to their complete lack of emotion).  Dangerous situations are no longer tense because you already know from the time the character enters them that they’re probably gonna die.  (Unless they’re the Youtuber guy, in which case a nuclear bomb could go off, and they’d just reappear two episodes later with no explanation.)

The show just doesn’t know what it wants to be.  It starts out really grounded and realistic, and it leads you to believe that this is going to be something truly incredible, but after about four episodes, you start to realize that this is just The Walking Dead without zombies.  Worst of all, it’s Telltale’s Walking Dead (the sequels, not the first one) where almost none of the choices the characters make actually matter.  They try really hard to salvage it at the end, and it NEARLY works.  Episode 8 (where they’re stuck in a life raft without any food or water for the first half) was almost worth the previous 7, but it’s just not enough.  You still know exactly when characters are gonna die, and it’s too late to get invested.

[spectralscathath]

Blake Belladonna for the character ask?

Send me a character and I will tell you:

Blake Belladonna

First impression: I found her interesting enough, though my first impression was that her weapon was utterly bonkers and I loved that.

Impression now: Her weapon is still utterly bonkers, but is also underutilised and also that is not how you fix a weapon, that blade is going to snap the next time she uses it to block something, there’s a stress point right in the middle, just reforge the blade Blake. Her character’s about as functional as her weapon now is as well, unfortunately. Considering she was my favourite of the rwby girls for the longest time. Oh how the mighty fall.

Favorite moment: Her fight with Weiss at the end of volume 1! That was the moment where I saw just how much heart rwby truly had put into it, and I loved it. Their fight was interesting and personal and deep and while I wish Weiss had actually apologised for being an outright racist, I loved Blake.

Idea for a story: A story where she decides to go to Vacuo with her last braincell Sun and continue overcoming her trauma, instead of completely shutting herself off from her support system and going with team RWBY.

Unpopular opinion: Oof, probably that she’s an abuser? Sun got the worst of it, poor guy, considering she slapped and backhanded him, then destroyed his property, then right after he got fucking impaled because she was dithering around in a fight, he’s waking up in a daze and she’s yelling at him, making the situation all about her and her feelings, and towering over him with clenched fists and an aggressive stance. Aside from that, she did the same ‘make your bad experience all about me’ thing to Yang, and infantilised the shit out of her. Still, at least she had a character when she was pulling this crap. Now all of that is gone so we can have Giggly Cat GF who can’t do anything without Yang coming in to save her. Seriously, the big Ace Ops fight? RWBY’s big fight for the finale? She’s gotta be rescued like, twice, and only gets to pull off team attacks. Yeah. Guess all her characterisation and fighting skills were stored in the ends of her hair. 

Favorite relationship: Well, she’s very much a taker in her relationship with Sun, which is a shame because he’s so fucking supportive and validating of her and we’ve never seen her reciprocate. She’s a taker with Yang too, but her friendship with Weiss is probably her healthiest relationship, with both of them equally supportive of the other, and I wish that was allowed to exist a bit more. 

Favorite headcanon: That she tore her parents a fucking new one for letting a twelve-year-old join a cult? Actually, I headcanon her as loving cartography, both reading maps and making her own. She’s got some art skills, we’ve seen that, and I like to think that she enjoyed drawing out maps of her favourite fantasy worlds from books, and then that became a real life hobby. Coincidentally, she’s also an excellent navigator. 

Thanks Anon

[longsightmyth]

Myth Reads the Naming, Chapter 21

PELLINOR

The chapter is called Council of Friends and I for one could use some more friendship is magic stuff in my life, bring it on.

Maerad has a nightmare and a voice speaks in something that is almost the Speech but fucked up. It says, “I am again, but none shall find my dwelling, for I live in every human heart.”

I just wanted friendship, book. You promised me friendship.

She wakes up and reassures herself, and then Hem knocks on her door having also had nightmares. They huddle together and fall back to sleep.

Maerad wakes up to a beautiful morning and Hem, eating bread in a corner. He’s been waiting for her to wake up. She asks how Cadvan is and Hem doesn’t seem to care much (which, fair) but says he’s probably still sleeping and Maerad should hurry up because there is food (I appreciate a lot about this interaction. If I forget to mention it in the comparison please bug me so I can talk about it in a reblog or something). Maerad kicks him out to get dressed and then they walk down to get lunch together.

When they get to the sitting room, Cadvan is awake and chatting with Saliman. Cadvan is the worse for wear still but he’s talking and awake and teasing Maerad a little bit, and Maerad almost cries with how happy she is that he’s alive, black eye and stitched up face cuts and all. He assures her when she asks that he feels great and sends her off to the food.

Appetite sated (Hem comes with her for seconds) the siblings return to Cadvan and Saliman, who are discussing Saliman’s journey. Turns out Saliman was attacked by three hulls and killed them, but not before they killed his horse. He’s pretty sad about it and so am I:  horse death is sad. The horses are just doing their best okay.

Anyway, Nelac comes in while Maerad is looking out at the gardens and says that most of his flowers survived the storm. Maerad immediately likes him, not least because he fixed up Cadvan and reminds her of Cadvan.

Hem continues to eat as the adult bards convene and catch each other up on everything, and when they get to the part about the Kulag Cadvan admits he was in a hurry and not as careful as he should have been with magic or travel. He credits Maerad with getting them all out alive.

“I wondered…,” said Maerad, and then stopped.

“What, O my Deliverer?” said Cadvan.

Maerad blushed again at his teasing. “I wondered if the Landrost had hurt you, and that was why…” she faltered and stopped again.

“The Landrost did indeed hurt me,” said Cadvan. “And I was less in my power than I could be. But that is no excuse for rushed decisions and the mistakes that come with them. I judge myself at fault, and so I am; and it is a severe judgment, Maerad, because things very nearly were otherwise, and the result would have been terrible for many more than us.”

Maerad saw for an instant an implacable harshness in Cadvan’s face, and she shivered; she thought she would not like to be judged by Cadvan, had she done any real wrong.

They continue to catch up, and Nelac remembers hearing about the Treesong somewhere but he’ll have to look for it again, but Saliman Knows What’s Up and sings a verse from the poem at the beginning of chapter 17, which I will transcribe here so nobody has to search the hellscape that is my tumblr tags:

Grows a Lily on the Briar

Grows a Briar on the Wave

Triple-tongued its voice of Fire

Edil-Amarandh with save

True and false the cunning Flame

Burning in the darkest Night

False and true the secret Name

Quickened in the womb of Light

Where the Briar on the Foam?

Doth the Lily stemless stand?

Who will bring the Singing home?

Where the Harp? And whose the Hand?

Nelac is like ‘lol it almost sounds like you’re saying Maerad, who can speak common, Elidhu, and the Speech, is the Foretold’

Cadvan’s ACTUAL (specified as distracted and absent) RESPONSE: “Yes, yes, of course I am.”

Maybe warn a guy before you drop prophetic bombs in his lap, Cadvan.

Nelac thinks about it a minute and sorta soul searches Maerad with eye contact is like ‘okay fine you may have a point’. Also the Treesong is a super ancient song, he remembers.

Nelac ALSO wants to scry Hem. Hem is not having it rn and runs into the garde. Maerad chastises Nelac with all the vehemence of a sibling vs outsiders and heads after her brother. After assuring Hem that SHE believes him, obviously, and that Cadvan does, he agrees to come back inside, where Nelac straight up bribes him with food to be scried later. Hem is like ‘well if there’s FOOD’ and agrees, which, fair.

Further, Nelac says they have to figure out where Hem can go to bard school because Norloch is being Particularly Racist at the moment and Hem, unlike Maerad, looks very Pilanel. Cadvan says irritably that Hem would like other schools better anyway, fuck Norloch (okay not in quite those words but it’s close).

Saliman: hey no worries I’ll take the kid home with me where racist dickheads aren’t in charge. Sound good, Hem?

Hem: Boy does it!

Section paraphrased for clarity.

Also, Nelac adds, y’all haven’t been here in a while so let me tell you what else Enkir has fucked up: no more lady bards can train at Norloch.

The fuck, everyone in the room basically mouths in unison.

Nelac: so the flaw in our system is, if all of our elected officials are old white rich white dudes with The Right Families then it turns out they elect an old rich white dude with The Right Family as leader, which means even the relatively benevolent old rich white dudes get outvoted when it comes to civil rights and not destroying the world because these guys have no concept of doing anything for other people even in the name of self interest.

Not that we know anything about that in the States or anything.

Everybody agrees that a council must be called regarding world saving because they still labor under the delusion that old rich white dudes with The Right Families in power give a shit what happens to the world if it doesn’t affect them in the next five minutes. The poor saps.

Cadvan shows Maerad around Norloch and assures her once again that even if she isn’t the foretold it’s no biggie, he’ll take her to a good bard school.

“Would you stay there?” she asked, knowing the answer already.

He glanced at her quickly, his face unreadable. “For a time, until you were settled in,” he said.

When they get back, Hem wants Maerad there while he’s scried. Nelac says it’s unusual, but so is scrying a child so why not. There isn’t much to see since we aren’t in Hem’s PoV, but Nelac confirms that Hem is Maerad’s brother and everybody rejoices. Maerad offers to get them something to drink, does so, and leaves, feeling like she intruded.

At dinner, which Hem actually skips, they make a game plan for presenting Maerad-as-The-Foretold to the council. Nelac is going to do it alone for political reasons. That’s the end of the chapter.

THRONE OF GLASS

Three chapters of ToG is a fitting punishment for taking so long I guess. 46,47,48.

Dorian is hunting through the woods to ‘let the freezing air rush through him’  and burn off steam regarding Celaena, who apparently watches him like a cat watching a mouse, which is different from every single other woman ever, who otherwise look at him adoringly.

Dorian, I would think Kaltain fits that description. I’m just saying.

Apparently Celaena makes him want to be a better king or whatever by watching him and he’ll never be happy with any other woman now that he’s kissed her and he’s worried about her in the duel. Sure.

CELAENA’S POV.

She’s thinking about the duel, worries that Cain might be better because he has stamina (I mean this is a valid concern: Celaena can’t seem to do any sort of strenuous physical activity without throwing up, her stamina IS crap) and then that she might have to obey the King of Adarlan if she’s his Champion.

I’m not sure what you thought you were signing up for, Celaena?

Then she decides she wants to stay in the castle because Hot Dudes, I guess.

NEXT CHAPTER.

Kaltain drugs Celaena’s goblet(?) in the outside duel.

Swap to Celaena’s PoV, where she complains about the cold and thinks that she doesn’t know why they have to have the duels outside. Me neither, Celaena. Me neither.

She recognizes a couple of council members who hired her in the past, and then Nehemia shows up. For reasons?

Anyway, the king makes a speech, the duels start, Cain wins his. Celaena thinks that the other guys hadn’t even lasted three minutes, which, I mean. People generally greatly overestimate how long fights take, especially fights that aren’t specifically hemmed in for competition. Three minutes is a long time to fight one on one for your life?

Oh wait they aren’t fighting to the death. That would be too men for the demon infested king? I don’t know.

Chaol offers Celaena his sword to fight with, and Nehemia offers her Nehemia’s staff instead.

“If I may,” Nehemia said in Eyllwe, “I’d like to offer this to you instead.” The princess held out her beautifully carved iron-tipped staff. Celaena glanced between Chaol’s sword and her friend’s weapon. The sword, obviously, was the wiser choice—and for Chaol to offer his own weapon made her feel strangely lightheaded—but the staff…

Nehemia leaned in to whisper in Celaena’s ear. “Let it be with an Eyllwe weapon that you take them down.” Her voice hitched. “Let wood from the forests of Eyllwe defeat steel from Adarlan. Let the King’s Champion be someone who understands how the innocents suffer.”

So Celaena chooses the staff, which is actually a GREAT weapon vs a sword assuming you know how to use it for a myriad of reasons? Why would a sword be a wiser choice? Why is that obvious? Especially if it’s ‘iron-tipped’ by which I think she means capped, but whatever. We already knew very little research went into this, I’m lucky Celaena isn’t using that soap and hairpin thing.

She’s going to fight Grave. Don’t worry about it, we’ll get an explanation about him in the second book when he suddenly becomes relevant again.

Chaol squeezed her hand, his skin warm in the frigid air. “Give him hell,” he said. Grave entered the ring and drew his sword.

Pulling her hand from Chaol’s, Celaena straightened her spine as she stepped into the ring. She quickly bowed to the king, then to her opponent.

She met Grave’s stare and smiled as she bent her knees, holding the staff in two hands.

You have no idea what you’re getting yourself into, little man.

NEXT CHAPTER.

Grave’s first move is to try to break her staff. I. I’m just. Whatever at this point.

His sword gets stuck in her staff when he hits, and she punches him in the nose. He gets angry and charges, “aiming a direct blow to her heart.” She knocks his legs out from underneath him and puts the staff to his throat, which ends the fight I guess, though he doesn’t yield and isn’t injured aside from a broken nose.

She brought her mouth close to his ear. “My name is Celaena Sardothien,” she whispered. “But it makes no difference if my name’s Celaena or Lillian or Bitch, because I’d still beat you, no matter what you call me.” She smiled at him as she stood. He just stared up at her, his bloody nose leaking down the side of his cheek. She took the handkerchief from her pocket and dropped it on his chest. “You can keep that,” she said before she walked off the veranda.

She intercepted Chaol as soon as she crossed the line of chalk. “How long did that take?” she asked. She found Nehemia beaming at her, and Celaena lifted her staff a little in salute.

“Two minutes.”

She grinned at the captain. She was hardly winded. “Better than Cain’s time.”

How slowly are these people moving? Why are we counting time? What is HAPPENING.

Anyway they have a toast.

“Out of good faith, and honor to the Great Goddess,” Kaltain said in a dramatic voice. Celaena wanted to punch her. “May it be your offering to the Mother who bore us all. Drink, and let Her bless you, and replenish your strength.”

I want that all noted for the record on the religion front.

Celaena is thrown directly into fighting Cain without any more of a rest and does not realize she’s been drugged.

The conqueror of Erilea raised his hands.

“Begin!” he roared, and Celaena shook her head, trying to clear her blurry vision. She steadied herself, wielding the staff like a sword as Cain began circling. Nausea flashed through her as his muscles flexed. For some reason, the world was still hazy. She clenched her teeth, blinking. She’d use his strength against him.

Cain charged faster than she anticipated. She caught his sword on the broad side with the staff, avoiding the sharp edges, and leapt back as she heard the wood groan.

He struck so quickly that she had to concede to the edge of his blade. It sank deep into the staff. Her arms ached from the impact. Before she could recover, Cain yanked his sword from her weapon and surged toward her. She could only bound back, deflecting the blow with the iron tip of the staff.

Given that Celaena is a, an assassin, b, just had a refresher course on poisons, and c, has been poisoned like this at least once before in the prequel novellas, I don’t know what to tell anybody here. Finally she gets it when she hears Kaltain laugh.

She had difficulty holding the staff. Cain came at her, and she had no choice but to meet his blows, barely having the strength to raise the weapon each time. How much bloodbane had they given her? The staff cracked, splintered, and groaned.

Did Nehemia give her a wimpy-ass staff or does Celaena just not know how to use it to deflect rather than just take the full force of a blade? His sword sinks into it, it splinters and cracks? Y’all. No.

She had to end this now, before the hallucinations started. She knew they’d be powerful: seers had once used bloodbane as a drug to view spirits from other worlds. Celaena shot forward with a sweep of the staff. Wood slammed into steel.

The staff snapped in two.

The iron-tipped head soared to the other side of the veranda, leaving Celaena with a piece of useless wood.

Y’all. Y’ALL. You don’t even know how much I’m despairing right now.

Anyway, we go through Dorian and Chaol’s PoVs in quick succession to show that they’re worried about her and are probably in love, because sure, that’s what’s important right now, why not.

Celaena starts seeing creatures from another world as Cain keeps beating her up and Chaol keeps telling her to get up. Apparently the eye of Elena actually was protecting her, because…

Cain reached for her throat, and she flung herself backward. All that he managed to grab was her amulet. With a resounding snap, the Eye of Elena ripped from her neck.

The sunlight disappeared, the bloodbane seizing control of her mind again, and Celaena found herself before an army of the dead. The shadowy figure that was Cain raised his arm, dropping the amulet upon the ground.

They came for her.

That’s the end of the chapter. Thank goodness.

COMPARISON

Say it with me: I despair.

These chapters are pretty different from each other, but I said I wanted to talk about Hem and food and I do.

Both Hem and Maerad have been deprived all their lives, and while Maerad is slightly less preoccupied with filling her stomach than Hem, she also does not in my memory refuse food when it is offered, and only ever delights in the fact that she has it. Hem, obviously, is a little more fixated, but Maerad usually got ENOUGH to eat by virtue of her musical talent and value and the whole superstition thing. Hem rarely did.

Celaena turns her nose up at salmon and complains when chicken is a little bit dry. It’s just not behavior I would expect from someone starved in a salt mine for a year.

Pellinor’s mythology and religion and society remains consistent. ToG’s still rolling with the one goddess lots of little gods thing for now.

I’m just glad that Celaena used an actual weapon (poorly) and didn’t try to get creative. God knows what she would have done with a blade of grass or something. Why are we timing our fights. How was Chaol watching the clock closely enough to know that AND watching the fight. This could all have been solved with some research.

STATS

Pages: 23

Fragments: 36

Em-Dashes: 50

Ellipses: 14

Pages: 22

Fragments: 6

Em-Dashes: 2

Ellipses: 13