#also why can i not find anything on google saying his outfit was referencing the terminator when i know ive read it somewhere before....

[ariesbilly]

youre telling me this movie had not even been out a full week when billothy hargrove decided on that being his costume for tinas halloween party....

this is a lot to unpack

[diegoh4rgreeves]

Butter Peekin

Story Summary: Reader is a music director of the Netflix series, The Umbrella Academy. One day the main cast initiate a lunch break together only to have David Castañeda and reader unable to find them at their supposed meeting spot. Reader and David decide to spend their lunch break together with ice-cream and they start to feel a connection. They’re so into their time together that they run late back to work. Their coworkers tease them over it, including Gerard Way! The next day, David asks reader out on a date and gets their number. This prompts reader to try and kiss him until they get cock-blocked by Tom Hopper. The day after that, David kisses reader just days before their date.

Pairing: David Castañeda x Fan

Chapter: 1/1

Word Count: 3,263 words

Warning: Fluff

A/N: I referenced a podcast David was recently a guest on (x). I was originally going to make this a drabble that ends when the lunch break does. Then it just got so cute. I couldn’t stop typing! I hope you all get the same warm and fuzzy feelings I did when I wrote this. Also I made this gender-neutral hence the lack of details for the reader and referring to them in they/them pronouns. Enjoy!

The ice cream shop on Queen St. E is cramped, just as any other place in downtown Toronto is. The whole colour scheme is pale yellow and primary blue; some walls are painted one colour or the other. There’s a chalkboard with the specials written on it.

Out of all the places you could have been hanging out with your celebrity crush in, you never thought it would be Ed’s Real Scoop.

“A butter pecan on a cone, and whatever they’re having.” A tall and built man with a beard signals the ice cream shop server to you with his wallet. He is wearing cargo shorts, a grey sweatshirt, a cap, socks, and running shoes.

You never thought of David Castañeda wearing something like this. He’s Diego Hargreeves in the Netflix series, The Umbrella Academy! Diego wears leather clad and swings knives at targets. Then again, David is David. The actor must be different from the character. Also, he wore this same outfit in an hour-long podcast you so watched in the summer. The podcast happened when he was in Thailand.

Now, he’s filming for season 2 of The Umbrella Academy, which gets you out of your day job. You are a music director on the show and that pays your bills. David and you are acquaintances, or so you think.

You shyly smile at David and thank him for offering to pay for your ice-cream. Then you tell the server your order of choice.

As the server prepares both your ice-creams, you look the opposite direction of David. David and you get along in the studio. You’re just used to seeing him with the rest of the cast and crew. You only have this alone time with him because theoretically the rest of the main cast ditched you both. You all originally planned to have lunch together. David and you failed to find them once lunch started, so David decided to take you out for ice cream.

Just as you are accepting this silence between David and you, he lets out a laugh. You look up at him and can’t help but to laugh along. His smile and his laugh are so cute and contagious. You just love his teeth. “What, what is it?”

He takes a moment before laughing again. “Okay, I wanna tell you something and you have to promise not to laugh. You swear?”

You giggle. “No promises.”

He beams up at you. “Y/N, please. This is top-secret info, okay?”

You hold your hands up and let out some incoherent sound. You weren’t sure if to say Okay or Fine.

I promise probably would have cut it. You let it go. He’s still smiling so hard.

“Okay…” He begins. “So, you know that I was born in Mexico, right?”

“Uh huh.” Of course, you know that. You’ve only googled him a hundred times.

“And that I went to high school in LA.”

You nod again. God, you really hope that David doesn’t know about your big crush on him.

“Right, so I could speak English fluently then. I just couldn’t pronounce certain words. Like, butter pecan!” He shudders. “Why do people say it like pikahn? That sounds so bougie!”

You actually remember hearing him tell that fun fact in the podcast. You’re not sure how to react to something you’ve already heard before. You decide to tell him another fun fact. “You know that you can say pee-can.”

He looks at you in amazement. “Wait, really!? Why didn’t anyone tell me that?” He looks the opposite of your direction and mutters the other pronunciation for his favourite ice-cream flavour. Then he looks at you and laughs once again. “Pee… can. Can of pee.”

You choke out a laugh. Right now, he’s just as fun-loving and weird and gross as he is to you with the group. You wonder why you were so nervous and anxious just a few seconds ago. He’s such a lovely human being with good energy. You decide to confess something to him. “I actually listened to the podcast you told the butter pikhan story.”

He beams up. “Oh really? What did you think of it?”

You’re oddly relieved at his response. Come to think of it, why did you think that watching the podcast would be a bad thing? “Well, I mean… the butter peekin story was great.” You realise you didn’t let him finish his story. He used to pronounce butter pecan as butter peekin. He chuckles anyway. “Can I… be honest about the podcast guys though?” You ask.

David smirks. “What is the tea?” He makes a sizzling noise.

You roll your eyes and laugh. “Can you ever give a serious answer to anything?”

“Sorry,” he laughs.

“No no, it’s fine! It’s entertaining.”

He gives you one last smile before the server calls you both for your ice-creams. David walks to the end of the counter where the cashier is. He takes out a $20 bill for both your ice-creams and he puts some of his change in the tip jar.

“Do you wanna stay here or take a walk on Woodbine Beach?” He takes a lick of his butter pecan ice-cream.

You give him a puzzled look. “What about fans? They’re going to stop you and ask for your autograph!” You take a lick of your ice cream and accidentally get a big chunk of the frozen treat in your mouth. You let it melt inside. You like the numbness on your tongue.

He leads you both out the shop and you passively follow him. Then he rolls his eyes and chuckles. “Y/N, you flatter me. First you watch my podcast and now you believe I have fans.”

You spit out your ice cream from a burst of laughter. You didn’t even care he pointed out the podcast. His self-deprecating humour reminded you why you love him so much.

“You okay there?” He chuckles.

You scoff and roll your eyes. “Yeah, thanks, David.” It was your turn to be sarcastic.

“Here, I picked up some napkins.” He pulls some out of his shorts pockets. You let out a hand with the assumption that he’ll hand you the napkin. Instead, he stops you both on the sidewalk outside the shop and he wipes your ice-cream covered lips with it. This might be the closest you’ve ever gotten to him besides a hug. He’s touching your lips and it’s great, even though he’s not touching them with his lips.

He lets go. You clear your throat and thank him.

It feels like a movie moment. You think that you should let the tension last as the streets had their usual noise of honking cars and beeping bus stops. In that sound, he’d think of kissing you. Instead, he picks up your conversation from the ice-cream shop. “So, what didn’t you like about those interviewers from the podcast?”

“Hmm?” You look at him as you try and adjust to a new conversation topic. “Oh right.” You’ve processed what he said. “Well, call me a social justice warrior, but I thought they were so politically incorrect, you know? Like… after you said the butter peekin story and you called an old friend a coconut. They thought that was racist? Seriously?”

David rolls his eyes. “Yeah… I was confused by that.”

“You seemed it!”

“I wanted to ask them how was that racist, and they just said that we weren’t gonna get into it. I mean, I couldn’t really do anything after that, you know? I didn’t wanna cause a scene, especially in my big break!”

“I thought you didn’t have fans.”

He opens his mouth and leaves it hanging. “Touché.”

You chuckle. Gosh, does he have such a good sense of humour. You look at him with a serious look. “There is another thing I wanna point out about those guys.”

“More tea!?” He grins. “Damn Y/N, I never took you for a gossip girl!”

You guffaw. “Wow okay! So that’s how you see me now?”

He chuckles. “Maybe… I like it anyway. You’ve got spunk and don’t take shit from anybody.”

You blush. David paid you a compliment and you’re trying so hard to see it as a friendly comment. “Yeah, well…” You play off your bashfulness with an exaggerated hair flip. “You know you love me.”

He lets out a hearty laugh, and that only makes you feel overwhelmed. Have you always been this funny? Does anyone else laugh this hard at your jokes?

You’re having such a good time with him that you never mind the talk about the podcast anymore. Who wants to rant about two white guys when you’re with the most gorgeous man you’ve ever seen!?

David and you take a stroll on the beach. It isn’t until you’re walking on it and feel the cool air from the lake that you felt how hot it was outside earlier. The beach really soothes you. David and you are still on a sugar high from the ice-creams, and you rush finishing them so that the sand doesn’t rush up on your treats from the wind. You’re laughing so hard as he slurps his cone and tilts it up. It’s probably a disgusting view to the people around you, and that makes it more entertaining for you.

David turns around to see if anyone’s looking at him. There does appear to be an irritated family sitting on some lawn chairs. He looks at you. “And you thought I had fans.”

You hold your stomach from laughing. “Don’t kill me!”

He smiles along with your laugh. When he finishes his ice cream, he rubs his hands to get the crumbs off. He pulls out his smartphone and gasps. “Uhh… Y/N.” He shows you the time. “I think break was over looong ago.”

You gasp. “Oh fuck… You have some missed calls too!”

“It’s okay! We’ll get an uber.”

“Yeah?” You check with him. “Will it cost much?”

He slings his wrist and purses his lips. “It’s on me, it’s fine.”

“You already paid for ice-cream. Let me split this with you.”

He shrugs. “Okay. Whatever. We’ll figure it out. Let’s just get back now!” David opens the Uber app on his phone and starts ordering a ride. You both wait at the parking lot of the beach together until your ride’s here.

David and you come back to the studio in a panic. You only see the main cast and crew laugh at your dramatic entrance of running inside. David and you freeze as you look at them. You’re especially worried over what Gerard Way thinks.

“Why are you guys running!?” Emmy Raver-Lampman looks like she’s about to cry from how hard she’s laughing. You’re quite embarrassed by that. You’ve also had a bit of a crush on her. Now this woman with goddess-like features and long curly hair is seeing you all sweaty and covered in ice-cream stickiness and you’re heavily breathing.

“Yeah, you’re late, you’re late.” The 16-year-old actor with a page-boy haircut lets out a chuckle. Aidan Gallagher is like his character, Five, in real life. He’s stoic.

Robert Sheehan, the tall and scrawny man with the messy brown hair, green eyes, messy black eyeliner, and funky and colourful clothing chimes in. “David and Y/N sittin’ in a tree…”

“Honestly, where did you guys go?” The short girl with the brown hair and button-like eyes cuts in. Yes, this is your idol since tweenhood, Ellen Page. “We waited for you.”

“Where!?” David yells out.

This gets everyone to bicker over the original plans of where to meet up at lunch time. Before this can go on, a tall and burly man with long dyed-red hair and bright blue eyes cuts in. “Alright, guys. David is back. Now you can film again!” He looks over at you. “Well Y/N, you don’t have to work again for another while, unless there are scenes you can add music to right now.”

You nod your head. “Yes sir. I’m on it. Sorry we’re late!”

He rolls his eyes and laughs. “I don’t even wanna know what David and you got up to.”

This gets the cast to make scandalised faces at David and you. “As I said!” Robert calls out. “David and Y/N sittin’ in a tree!”

“Robert!” Gerard calls out. “Go back to filming.”

You lose David in the crowd of the main cast, so you don’t get to wave goodbye and thank him for a fun lunch break, which had a surprisingly pleasant and wholesome ending.

—–

It’s the day after. You enter the lounge room of the studio. You put down a box of doughnuts on a table there. On top of the box, you leave a sticky note. It reads, Sorry I was late yesterday. I got an assorted range. Hope you all enjoy these. -Y/N

You take one last look at the box and then turn around to see David. This makes you jump up. You didn’t expect to see him in. In fact, you didn’t even hear anyone come in! “Hey David.” You let out a breath.

He looks at you all confused. “Did I scare you?”

“Kind of. I didn’t hear you come in.”

“Oh, my bad.” He chuckles. He looks over you and takes notice of the box of pastries. “What’s this?”

“Hmm?” You turn around to see what he’s looking at. “Oh.” You turn around back to him. “Just an apology gift for yesterday.” You laugh nervously.

He nods. “Can I split the money with you since I wanna apologise too?”

“Are you mocking me?” You scoff.

He laughs. “I mean I do feel bad about yesterday actually and I don’t wanna be late again from getting a box of doughnuts. So…”

You shrug. “It’s on me. You did pay for the Uber.”

“Thanks.” He nods.

You nod back. You’re not sure what to say next. “I should probably head to my department.”

“Yeah, sure. But first…” He looks down at the ground and then back at you. “I just wanted to say that I had a lot of fun yesterday.”

Your heart warms up and you open your mouth. You know that you should say something. “Yeah. Me too. I mean, I had a lot of fun too. With you.” You clear your throat.

He smiles. “If you… ever wanna do this again some time, I’d be down.”

You cannot believe what you’re hearing. You have been asked out by other people in the past year, and you were just irritated. You could sense the bad vibes from those people. David though, he reminds you of your crushes back in high school. You are purely excited. “Yeah. Yeah definitely.”

“Something longer than a lunch break.” He smirks.

You giggle. “Yeah, I hear that. Do you want my number by the way?”

“Oh.” He beams up. “Right, yeah. I was going to ask for that next.” He chuckles and takes his phone out of his jeans pocket.

You smile and accept the phone. He has the page for you to add your name and number on. You type everything in and hand the phone back to him. “Okay, text me at your own will.”

He laughs. “I will. I might call after work actually. Is that okay?”

You open your mouth and wanna exclaim something. You remember to play it cool though. You just love phone calls so much. They’re so intimate and they’re one of the few old-fashioned things you value. Instead of freaking him out, you simply nod your head.

He smiles one last time before saying bye and heading out the lounge room.

You know that you won’t see him in another while. He’ll be working the whole day, and so will you. You look back and forth to your side and then to his direction. You want to kiss him. But is it too soon? You don’t know, but you decide to go in for the kill. You head out the lounge room only to be stopped by Tom Hopper, the tall and muscular actor with the buzzed haircut. He shows you a photo of his babies that his wife just texted him. He’s British. It’s 1pm in England. You go along with his excitement and compliment his babies on how cute they are.

You’re in your apartment after a long day of work. You decided to stay in at the studio for your lunch break. You ate a sandwich you brought from home and watched a few finished scenes of The Umbrella Academy. You brainstormed which songs would be fitting for all of the scenes you watched today. There was a meeting for it afterwards.

You change into your comfy clothes at your apartment and get a sense of relief. You prepare some food and plop on the couch. You turn on Netflix and watch the TV show of your choice. You can’t really get into what you’re watching though. You’re too busy mindlessly munching on your food and zoning out. You wonder if Tom cockblocking you was a good idea. Chasing after David for a kiss would have definitely been a desperate move. You also try to justify your decision with the fact that you’ve known David for a while now. There are romantic implications. Maybe he wants to kiss you too.

Before you can ponder on this, you hear your phone quickly vibrate. You pick it up and see a text letting you know that it’s David. You beam up and immediately save his name and number on your phone. You text him “Hey!” He texts and asks if it’s okay to call you right now.

You text a thumbs up emoji. You anticipate the call as you look at the text thread. Your phone gives longer vibrations this time, which shows that you’re getting a call. You pick it up. “Hello?”

“Y/N.” There’s that sexy deep voice. “Hey. How’s it going?”

You can feel your heart fluttering. You’re relieved that you didn’t kiss him. It would have scared him off. Tom cockblocking you made all this worth it.

—–

You see David the next day at work. You’re both in the lounge room before your times to start. You’re the only ones in the room and smile at one another as you walk in. “So, I guess we just awkwardly look at each other before Friday?” You quip. Friday is your date with David. You’re getting dinner and plan to go back to the beach.

“Yeah, I guess so.” He smirks. “That or…” He looks away and sighs.

You furrow your brows. “Or what?”

He walks over to you from the coffee machine and holds your face. He rubs one of your cheeks with his thumb and leans in. He eyes the room before touching your lips with his.

You’re quite surprised over this. You still close your eyes and go along with it. He tastes like the black coffee he just made and sipped. He smells really good from his body spray and you get a whiff of his shampoo. He must have showered before coming here. Your lips are so relaxed on each other until he presses harder and holds your waist to lean you in. You wrap your arms around his neck. You both sigh in the kiss until he decides to let go.

He looks at you and rubs your cheek with his thumb one last time before pecking your nose and walking out the room.

You are stunned. Much to your luck, he also had an urge to kiss you.

[svubloods]

Imagine Rafael finding out you can speak Spanish

(A/N: For Anon. I hope you and everyone else enjoys this! Sorry, it’s short as well!) 

Disclaimer: I don’t know Spanish so all the Spanish in this is from Google translate. So I’m sorry if it’s incorrect. 

Imagine Rafael finding out you can speak Spanish

Your Dad always empathized how important learning languages was and always encouraged you to pursue it. You can remember the lecture he gave you and your siblings when it was the right time. Always encouraging you all to go and take the opportunity to learn a second language. Not only does it have cognitive benefits, it also helps you become better learners as well as help you understand cultures other than your own.

But the most important reason for him was that it would help you connect with people. Like it had helped him. When your Dad first became a cop all he knew was English and he didn’t have any interest in learning another. That was until he was the first responder to a crime-scene and he couldn’t do anything because he couldn’t speak to the victim or the witnesses. He had to wait and depend on someone else to help these people. And he didn’t like that. His job was to protect the people of the city and that meant everyone in the city. That weekend he started learning Spanish. He also went on to learn Russian as well as Gaelic.

He became a lover of languages and you were definitely the same. Your siblings all learned second languages as well but none of them loved them like you did. It may be because unlike them you learned your first-second language very young and not in high school like them. Danny learned Spanish, Erin, and Joe learned French and Jamie learned German.

When you were about to start elementary school they began offering a scheme where you could learn everything in both English and Spanish, your Dad immediately enrolled you and you could never thank him enough. You were fluent in both languages and it meant that you had two cultures. You met people you never would have if you didn’t and you became addicted to stepping into new worlds that you could only understand with this new language in hand. You went on to learn Italian, your maternal Grandfather’s first language, Gaelic, your Grandfather Henry taught you that as well as Arabic and Swedish.

A strange collection but it was your collection. A secret passion of yours that you carried on into adulthood that few were aware of. Like your Grandfather, Dad and brothers before you, though technically you became one before Jamie did, you became a police officer. It was a uniform for two years before taking the Detective’s exam and passing on your first try. You actually had to take it twice because they thought you had cheated because your score was so, they congenitally forgot you were raised by cops, nevertheless, none of them had ever come close to beating your score. You were a Detective at Brooklyn Robbery for five years before you transferred to Manhattan’s Special Victims Unit.

You started about a year ago and it was where you met the most annoying, infuriating person ever as well as your soulmate. Surprisingly they were the same person. And the person took form in Rafael Barba. The department’s resident Assistant District Attorney. The first few moths you knew each other you just assumed he was some emotionless, however sarcastic asshole, who was too smart for his own good. So you made it a point to argue back with him when you could and tease him about his wacky ties and general outfits. Which meant he was;t to found of you either but he did spar with you as if his life depended on it. As time, however, ou discovered that was an actual human beings under those suspenders and you became fast and close friends. Still sparing of course but now it was much more fun. The relationship progressed until almost six months to the day you met, he asked you out on your first date.

And everything from there is history. At this point you’d been together six months and you were in love. He knew almost everything about you by now expect that you knew Spanish.

“Y/N!” Sonny scolded as he gingerly got into your car, “Your car is mess.”

“Come on Sonny,” You giggled at your partner, “It’s not that bad.”

“Didn’t we have Chinese last week?” He asked as he finally took a seat.

“Will you!” You threatened as you turned the key and began the car, “I had it yesterday, thank you very much,”

“You had it without me?” He pouted.

“If I let you pick the music, will you let it go?” You suggested.

He nodded and you pointed out the draw full of CDs.

“You really need to buy a new car.” Sonny commented referencing the fact that you had CD’s over an option to plug in your phone.

“This one still runs,” You shrugged.

“Yeah, very loudly,” He chuckled as he shuffled through CDs.

“Let’s just say that i’m not the first person to own this car, Both Erin and Joe had this car before me.” You explained.

“Are these Barba’s?” Sonny asked, flashing you a couple covers of albums from famous Spanish Artists.

“No, their mine,” You informed.

“Really?” He asked.

“Yeah,” You nodded

“You know Spanish?” He asked.

“Yep, I’m fluenet.” You informed.

“I didn’t know,” He commented.

“Well, I’ve never mentioned it. Rafael usually does all the Spanish needs at work,” You explained.

“But you speak in Spanish with each other at home?” He inquired.

“Well, he doesn’t actually know I speak Spanish,” You said.

“Why not?” Sonny asked, confused but curious.

“A couple of reasons but mostly because I enjoy listening in on his conversation about me with his Mother when he thinks I don’t understand.” You responded.

“Does she not like you?” He inquired gently.

“Oh no,” You clarified, “She loves me. Which Rafael doesn’t like because she likes me more than him. It’s the best fifteen minutes of my week listening them argue about the level of greatness I have.”

“Typical,” Sonny chuckled.

Coincidentally, that night, it was your turn to make dinner for you and Rafael. So after work, you headed over to his apartment as that’s where you mostly stayed nowadays as his apartment was closer to work than your apartment was. As well as language, your parents also stressed the importance of self sufficiency. Which meant as well as being able to fix a water heater and change a tire  you could also do more in the kitchen than boil some pasta.

You enjoyed cooking and it was even better at Rafael’s apartment as he did as well. His kitchen was stocked with best kitchen equipment despite his extreme lack of time to actually use it. But what was even better was that he had a full surround sound system in his kitchen, which you could plug your phone into, but it also meant your karaoke sessions where you poorly channeled Gloria Estefan with your singing and Lidia Bastianich with your cooking to a whole new level.

“Como tú te llamas, yo no sé.De donde llegaste, ni pregunté.Lo único que sé, es que quiero con usted.Quedarme contigo hasta el amanecer.” You belted loudly to yourself about halfway through the song and halfway through making one of your Grandfather Christopher’s  favourite Italian dishes Acquacotta.

You danced to music rhythmically, spinning around on the balls of your feet only to meet the sight of Rafael watching you in the doorway. You stopped dead in embarrassment and scrabbled to switch the song off.

“You’re home early,” You stated breathing heavily, out of breath from the singing and the shock.

“My meeting got cancelled,” He informed but it was clear from his expression that he was focused on something else and not what you were asking.

“Is there something wrong?” You inquired curiously.

“You’re dancing for one,” He commented.

“Oh have you know. I danced at Miss Debbie's school of ballet for two weeks!” You exclaimed jokingly.

“What song were singing?” He inquired, seemingly changing the subject.

“Hasta el amanecer.” You informed, confused and upon reflection clearly oblivious.

“I had no idea you were such a good singer, Y/N. Colour me impressed.” He complimented suspiciously, pacing the kitchen.

“Thanks,” You smiled, blushing slightly.

“Especially since you don’t know Spanish and yet your pronunciation was impeccable.” He continued, flashing you an all knowing expression.

And that’s when you realised that you had just been caught.

“I know, right?” You played along, not ready to let go of your fifteen minutes just yet and not to mention it was fun to string him along, “It just comes naturally,”

“Hmm,” He pondered, “Se que esta mintiendo.”

You had to stop yourself from responding.

“What did you say?” You asked innocently.

“Nothing,” He shrugged, “No creo que seas tan divertido como crees que eres.”

He was trying to get you to break.

“Rafael,” You scolded convincingly determined to win, “What are you saying?”

“Not much, “ He sighed, “Psych es un espectáculo horrible.”

“You take that back right now!” You demanded unable to control yourself.

“I knew it!” He exclaimed, “I knew you knew Spanish.”

“How?” You asked.

“Well, I first starting thinking you did because I kept on chatting you trying to hide your laughing at dinner with my mother,”

“The jokes she makes about you are funny!” You said.

“And you would only be able to understand them if you knew Spanish.” He reminded.

“De acuerdo, bien. Admito que hablo español,” You confessed.

“Why didn’t you say anything, Y/N. We’ve been together six months and you haven’t mentioned it. You’re aware that my family would love you ten time more if they knew you spoke Spanish,” He exclaimed.

“I don’t think it’s possible for them to love me anymore,” You liked, “I don’t know. I just kept it to myself. I was going to say something eventually, maybe on our wedding day or something. I just kept on forgetting to mention it I guess. It wasn’t intentional!”

“Well, I love that you can speak Spanish,” He smirked, leaning against the counter.

“You do?” You asked.

“Hmm,” He confirmed, pulling you close and tucking a loose stand of hair behind your ear,“I would like you even if you didn’t but I will admit that I like you a little more knowing that you can speak Spanish.”

“I had a feeling you might. It’s a very sensual and passionate sounding language.” You mentioned.

“You’re right about that,” He smiled, before citing his lip.

“Well, I’d love for this to keep going but dinner’s going to burn.” You reminded, gently removing his arm that had found it’s way to your waist.

“Let it,” He suggested, stopping you from leaving arms reach by grabbing hold of you again.

“porque tengo hambre” You grinned.

“So am I.” He whispered into your ear.

“For food,” You smirked, before heading back to your saucepan and out of arms reach.

“Alright fine,” He sighed, giving in, “But after dinner, you’re going to have to show me the extent of your Spanish speaking abilities.” “I’m fluent.” You informed.

“Even better,” He grinned.

“Hmm,” You smiled to yourself, “You have my Dad to thank. He’s the one who put me into the program where I learned,”

“Can we not talk about your Dad?” Rafael suggested, sidling up to you as you offered him a taste of your food.

“What are you planning, Mr. Barba?” You teased.

“Not killing the mood for one,” He commented, “It’s fantastic,”

“Thank you,” You chuckled, “Te amo consejero,”

“I love you too Detective,” He grinned.

[samanthasroberts]

Vanderpump Rules Season 7 Episode 3 Recap · Betches

What’s good, Sexy Unique People? It’s your favorite recapper, Sgt. Olivia Betchson, here. I’m here one whole day early to recap Vanderpump Rules season 7 episode 3, which got moved to a new day for some reason. Smh, you think you can depend on something, like you have been doing for the past FOUR YEARS, and then they go changing it for no discernible reason. Is it so much to ask for my show to be on at a consistent time? Is it?? There’s so little I can rely on anymore in this world.

This week picks right back up at Pride, after James has called Katie fat. He yells at Katie to “lose some f*cking weight” before storming off and telling some guy that Katie can go f*ck herself. Way harsh, Tai.

Scheana is talking about how she doesn’t know if Hope hooked up with James. Which is fair because the only people who know that for sure are Hope, James, and God. And still Scheana gets sh*t for this very uncontroversial opinion. It may be besides the point that James cheats on Raquel a lot, but also, why is this anyone’s business? Scheana is the only one who actually likes and wants to be friends with Raquel, so she’s realistically the only one who is in a place to tell Raquel about any cheating rumors. Everybody else isn’t doing this out of loyalty to Raquel but a desire to f*ck up James’s life. You heard it here first!

Lisa arrives at Pride dressed like she’s going to the Kentucky Derby.

No further comments at this time.

Raquel comes back up to Kristen and Hope and steals Hope away for a second. Raquel asks her to tell her what really happened at Coachella. Hope claims that Coachella is only the tip of the iceberg and she and James were sleeping together for THREE YEARS!! Oh and I’m sorry, this Coachella incident was not at this past year’s Coachella, but it actually happened two years ago.

Me:

I’m sorry, hold the phone. So you mean to tell me that this alleged incident happened years ago, and we’re only just hearing about it now? Hope sat on this information for TWO YEARS?? And she’s bringing it up now as if it’s somehow relevant and current information? Seems extremely suspect. How can you even begin to verify something that happened years ago?? Also, is Raquel really meant to blow up her relationship over something that may or may not have happened two years ago? I’ve gotta say, this is not Kristen’s best work. Try coming through with receipts from this calendar year, hmm?

Stassi calling James an emaciated muppet literally made me spit out my drink. Speaking of said emaciated muppet, James is literally full-on in white Kanye mode. He’s f*cked up, slurring, wandering around and trying to order a pumptini. It’s not good.

Lisa pulls Raquel aside to basically be like “come get ya mans and make sure he doesn’t have another sip of alcohol.” Yeah, that will end well. When has anyone in the history of alcohol successfully stopped a drunk person from doing something stupid? Never. So Raquel confronts James again about the rumors, and all he does is call Hope a f*cking whore. Hmm, so she’s a whore for not sleeping with you? Reminds me of middle school when some girl called me a slut when I hadn’t even kissed a guy yet. Just fun misogyny things!

We leave this with Raquel saying she wants to stay with James for the Instagram exposure.

Raquel and James are trying to put together furniture while discussing the train wreck that was the day before.

Ok so James’s story is that he and Hope hooked up two and a half years ago, before he was with Raquel.

Me: 

Right after this, Peter calls James to un-invite him to his birthday. I kind of wonder what Kristen had to blackmail him with in order to get that to happen.

James: Well Tom’s drinks don’t taste like alcohol so it snuck up on me. Raquel: Mmm, no that’s not it.

Yeah no, that’s not what happened here. This is wild because I’ve never even heard Raquel speak this many words before, and I legit have met her in person. I’m into this, though. She says she doesn’t want James to have another sip of alcohol ever again. I’m not going to hold my breath waiting for that to come true, because I don’t wish to asphyxiate. Still, I can respect that she has a more realistic perspective of addiction than Scheana.

Some lady with a pageboy cap shows up to SUR to ask Lisa if she could give her brother a job. OK so it looks like we’re getting another Instagram model added to the cast… who’s probably going to date Scheana. Let’s just hope this guy shows up to the interview wearing pants and that he brings his resume.

Speaking of… Scheana shows up to Peter’s birthday party with Adam, which surprises no one. I’m glad they’ve finally taken their Instagram relationship public. The real question is… can he hang a TV in under 7 minutes?

Stassi is like, annoyed that Scheana doesn’t want to speak on rumors she doesn’t know about (aka James hooking up with Hope). Oh here’s the Stassi I knew and hated from season 5—the one who is only friends with people so long as they agree with her on all things and hate the same people she hates. That’s not loyalty, btw, that’s blind devotion!

Stassi and Ariana are finally joining forces to throw one birthday party. I would have commentary on this, but I knew this happened over the summer so I no longer have anything to say on the matter. Is Instagram ruining Vanderpump Rules? The title of my next think piece.

Ariana: Stassi just kept following me around and being nice to me so I gave up the energy to be bitchy.

Relatable.

Katie, Brittany, Stassi and Ariana are having a girls’ night and not inviting Scheana. Ariana is kind of being a mean girl by being like “yeah well I haven’t seen Scheana lately, it’s on her to work out her issues with Katie and everyone” rather than sticking up for her supposed friend and trying to get her an invite. Who has no loyalty now?? (I keep referencing this because later on this season, Stassi will come at Scheana for her supposed lack of loyalty.)

Jax and Brittany are going to a cheese shop because they’re starting a beer cheese company. a BEER CHEESE COMPANY. Literally watching Brittany act like beer cheese is a novelty you can’t get anywhere but her Meemaw’s basement is f*cking ridiculous. I’ve had beer cheese in Atlanta. I’ve had it in New York. Go to any artisanal brewery and you can probably find a beer cheese dip that comes with a soft pretzel. Damn, now I want a pretzel.

Brittany is going to invite Raquel to girls’ night, basically because she’s been cheated on by her boyfriend too. Let’s also invite Khloé Kardashian and Cardi B to this girls’ night. It’s Cheaters Anonymous up in this bitch.

Jax re: Raquel: Why would you want to be with someone who literally everybody hates?

LOLLLLLLLLLMFAOOOO IS THIS A JOKE?? Pot, meet kettle who everyone hates.

Jax has started his job back at SUR again. Again, what’s it like to have literally no consequences for your actions? MUST BE NICE.

Wait a sec, did Schwartz just call Katie his girlfriend? Yes he did. THAT’S YOUR WIFE! Or have you forgotten?

Schwartz goes to talk to James about calling Katie fat and the convo goes as follows:

Schwartz: Katie isn’t fat she’s sexy and luscious James: I know man Schwartz: Say it. I want you to say it.

You want another man to call your WIFE sexy and luscious? Weird flex, but ok. In predictable Schwartzy fashion, he doesn’t get mad at James or really give him any consequences for what he did. Maybe this is why Kristen has dubbed herself the Karma Police?

It’s girls’ night, and Ariana is SERVING in this see-through red lace number with a red thong. Everyone looks amazing, I’m really loving this. Looking at these outfits has cleared my skin, hydrated my body, and filled up my bank account.

View this post on Instagram

Don’t forget there’s a new #pumprules tonight at 9pm!

A post shared by Katie Maloney-Schwartz (@musickillskate) on Dec 16, 2018 at 1:51pm PST

Meanwhile at guys’ night, Jax comes riding in on a motor scooter. All I could think about was:

Jax announces he and Brittany are business owners, and claims they’re getting patented and whatever. I doubt that. Have you even filed an LLC yet? I’m not saying Jax is a liar, but a brief Google search for “Meemaw’s beer cheese” only pulled up a Bustle article.

Brittany tells everyone that she invited Raquel to girls’ night and you can see the group calculate whether they should throw their drinks in Brittany’s face or jump out the window.

It’s so rich that Brittany is inviting Raquel out to tell her that her boyfriend sucks. And yet, she’s still with Jax and is now pledging to be with him FOR LIFE, so?? The cognitive dissonance is astounding. Jax buys tampons one time and all of a sudden we’re meant to believe he’s a completely new person?

I can’t believe Kristen is telling Raquel that James has a really shitty temper. Spoken by the woman who punched James in the face??!? Kristen should get a gold medal in mental gymnastics. F*ck it, they all should.

Katie: I feel like I’m in the Twilight Zone where monsters are allowed to do and say whatever they want without consequences.

Yeah, welcome to 2018, bitch. Where have ya been?

We end this episode with Katie going to talk to Lisa to tell her about James calling her fat during Pride. I’m actually here for this Katie because Lisa is saying “James’ language is unacceptable” but not actually vowing to do anything. *Whispers into the void* just like when any high-powered man gets called out for unacceptable behavior. So Katie basically tells Lisa “it’s him or me.” You can tell Lisa is PISSED to not be calling the shots this time. Maybe if these men ever faced consequences for their gross behavior we wouldn’t have to resort to ultimatums! I mean, has anyone else ever thought about how the only person who has truly gotten fired from SUR and never gotten her job back has been Kristen? I have to wonder why that is…

And it’s possible I spoke too soon about this season being good, because this episode was kind of a bore. I tried to make this recap as exciting as I could, but putting jokes into this uninspired episode is like trying to inject life into a corpse… or into Giggy’s hairless body. Boom! And with that, I’m out of here! See you guys next Monday, because I’m pretty sure Bravo is f*cking with us yet again by changing the time of this show. For the record, I DO NOT SUPPORT THIS!

Images: Trae Patton / Bravo Media; Giphy (4)

Source: http://allofbeer.com/vanderpump-rules-season-7-episode-3-recap-%c2%b7-betches/

from All of Beer https://allofbeer.wordpress.com/2019/02/23/vanderpump-rules-season-7-episode-3-recap-%c2%b7-betches/

[adambstingus]

Vanderpump Rules Season 7 Episode 3 Recap · Betches

What’s good, Sexy Unique People? It’s your favorite recapper, Sgt. Olivia Betchson, here. I’m here one whole day early to recap Vanderpump Rules season 7 episode 3, which got moved to a new day for some reason. Smh, you think you can depend on something, like you have been doing for the past FOUR YEARS, and then they go changing it for no discernible reason. Is it so much to ask for my show to be on at a consistent time? Is it?? There’s so little I can rely on anymore in this world.

This week picks right back up at Pride, after James has called Katie fat. He yells at Katie to “lose some f*cking weight” before storming off and telling some guy that Katie can go f*ck herself. Way harsh, Tai.

Scheana is talking about how she doesn’t know if Hope hooked up with James. Which is fair because the only people who know that for sure are Hope, James, and God. And still Scheana gets sh*t for this very uncontroversial opinion. It may be besides the point that James cheats on Raquel a lot, but also, why is this anyone’s business? Scheana is the only one who actually likes and wants to be friends with Raquel, so she’s realistically the only one who is in a place to tell Raquel about any cheating rumors. Everybody else isn’t doing this out of loyalty to Raquel but a desire to f*ck up James’s life. You heard it here first!

Lisa arrives at Pride dressed like she’s going to the Kentucky Derby.

No further comments at this time.

Raquel comes back up to Kristen and Hope and steals Hope away for a second. Raquel asks her to tell her what really happened at Coachella. Hope claims that Coachella is only the tip of the iceberg and she and James were sleeping together for THREE YEARS!! Oh and I’m sorry, this Coachella incident was not at this past year’s Coachella, but it actually happened two years ago.

Me:

I’m sorry, hold the phone. So you mean to tell me that this alleged incident happened years ago, and we’re only just hearing about it now? Hope sat on this information for TWO YEARS?? And she’s bringing it up now as if it’s somehow relevant and current information? Seems extremely suspect. How can you even begin to verify something that happened years ago?? Also, is Raquel really meant to blow up her relationship over something that may or may not have happened two years ago? I’ve gotta say, this is not Kristen’s best work. Try coming through with receipts from this calendar year, hmm?

Stassi calling James an emaciated muppet literally made me spit out my drink. Speaking of said emaciated muppet, James is literally full-on in white Kanye mode. He’s f*cked up, slurring, wandering around and trying to order a pumptini. It’s not good.

Lisa pulls Raquel aside to basically be like “come get ya mans and make sure he doesn’t have another sip of alcohol.” Yeah, that will end well. When has anyone in the history of alcohol successfully stopped a drunk person from doing something stupid? Never. So Raquel confronts James again about the rumors, and all he does is call Hope a f*cking whore. Hmm, so she’s a whore for not sleeping with you? Reminds me of middle school when some girl called me a slut when I hadn’t even kissed a guy yet. Just fun misogyny things!

We leave this with Raquel saying she wants to stay with James for the Instagram exposure.

Raquel and James are trying to put together furniture while discussing the train wreck that was the day before.

Ok so James’s story is that he and Hope hooked up two and a half years ago, before he was with Raquel.

Me: 

Right after this, Peter calls James to un-invite him to his birthday. I kind of wonder what Kristen had to blackmail him with in order to get that to happen.

James: Well Tom’s drinks don’t taste like alcohol so it snuck up on me. Raquel: Mmm, no that’s not it.

Yeah no, that’s not what happened here. This is wild because I’ve never even heard Raquel speak this many words before, and I legit have met her in person. I’m into this, though. She says she doesn’t want James to have another sip of alcohol ever again. I’m not going to hold my breath waiting for that to come true, because I don’t wish to asphyxiate. Still, I can respect that she has a more realistic perspective of addiction than Scheana.

Some lady with a pageboy cap shows up to SUR to ask Lisa if she could give her brother a job. OK so it looks like we’re getting another Instagram model added to the cast… who’s probably going to date Scheana. Let’s just hope this guy shows up to the interview wearing pants and that he brings his resume.

Speaking of… Scheana shows up to Peter’s birthday party with Adam, which surprises no one. I’m glad they’ve finally taken their Instagram relationship public. The real question is… can he hang a TV in under 7 minutes?

Stassi is like, annoyed that Scheana doesn’t want to speak on rumors she doesn’t know about (aka James hooking up with Hope). Oh here’s the Stassi I knew and hated from season 5—the one who is only friends with people so long as they agree with her on all things and hate the same people she hates. That’s not loyalty, btw, that’s blind devotion!

Stassi and Ariana are finally joining forces to throw one birthday party. I would have commentary on this, but I knew this happened over the summer so I no longer have anything to say on the matter. Is Instagram ruining Vanderpump Rules? The title of my next think piece.

Ariana: Stassi just kept following me around and being nice to me so I gave up the energy to be bitchy.

Relatable.

Katie, Brittany, Stassi and Ariana are having a girls’ night and not inviting Scheana. Ariana is kind of being a mean girl by being like “yeah well I haven’t seen Scheana lately, it’s on her to work out her issues with Katie and everyone” rather than sticking up for her supposed friend and trying to get her an invite. Who has no loyalty now?? (I keep referencing this because later on this season, Stassi will come at Scheana for her supposed lack of loyalty.)

Jax and Brittany are going to a cheese shop because they’re starting a beer cheese company. a BEER CHEESE COMPANY. Literally watching Brittany act like beer cheese is a novelty you can’t get anywhere but her Meemaw’s basement is f*cking ridiculous. I’ve had beer cheese in Atlanta. I’ve had it in New York. Go to any artisanal brewery and you can probably find a beer cheese dip that comes with a soft pretzel. Damn, now I want a pretzel.

Brittany is going to invite Raquel to girls’ night, basically because she’s been cheated on by her boyfriend too. Let’s also invite Khloé Kardashian and Cardi B to this girls’ night. It’s Cheaters Anonymous up in this bitch.

Jax re: Raquel: Why would you want to be with someone who literally everybody hates?

LOLLLLLLLLLMFAOOOO IS THIS A JOKE?? Pot, meet kettle who everyone hates.

Jax has started his job back at SUR again. Again, what’s it like to have literally no consequences for your actions? MUST BE NICE.

Wait a sec, did Schwartz just call Katie his girlfriend? Yes he did. THAT’S YOUR WIFE! Or have you forgotten?

Schwartz goes to talk to James about calling Katie fat and the convo goes as follows:

Schwartz: Katie isn’t fat she’s sexy and luscious James: I know man Schwartz: Say it. I want you to say it.

You want another man to call your WIFE sexy and luscious? Weird flex, but ok. In predictable Schwartzy fashion, he doesn’t get mad at James or really give him any consequences for what he did. Maybe this is why Kristen has dubbed herself the Karma Police?

It’s girls’ night, and Ariana is SERVING in this see-through red lace number with a red thong. Everyone looks amazing, I’m really loving this. Looking at these outfits has cleared my skin, hydrated my body, and filled up my bank account.

View this post on Instagram

Don’t forget there’s a new #pumprules tonight at 9pm!

A post shared by Katie Maloney-Schwartz (@musickillskate) on Dec 16, 2018 at 1:51pm PST

Meanwhile at guys’ night, Jax comes riding in on a motor scooter. All I could think about was:

Jax announces he and Brittany are business owners, and claims they’re getting patented and whatever. I doubt that. Have you even filed an LLC yet? I’m not saying Jax is a liar, but a brief Google search for “Meemaw’s beer cheese” only pulled up a Bustle article.

Brittany tells everyone that she invited Raquel to girls’ night and you can see the group calculate whether they should throw their drinks in Brittany’s face or jump out the window.

It’s so rich that Brittany is inviting Raquel out to tell her that her boyfriend sucks. And yet, she’s still with Jax and is now pledging to be with him FOR LIFE, so?? The cognitive dissonance is astounding. Jax buys tampons one time and all of a sudden we’re meant to believe he’s a completely new person?

I can’t believe Kristen is telling Raquel that James has a really shitty temper. Spoken by the woman who punched James in the face??!? Kristen should get a gold medal in mental gymnastics. F*ck it, they all should.

Katie: I feel like I’m in the Twilight Zone where monsters are allowed to do and say whatever they want without consequences.

Yeah, welcome to 2018, bitch. Where have ya been?

We end this episode with Katie going to talk to Lisa to tell her about James calling her fat during Pride. I’m actually here for this Katie because Lisa is saying “James’ language is unacceptable” but not actually vowing to do anything. *Whispers into the void* just like when any high-powered man gets called out for unacceptable behavior. So Katie basically tells Lisa “it’s him or me.” You can tell Lisa is PISSED to not be calling the shots this time. Maybe if these men ever faced consequences for their gross behavior we wouldn’t have to resort to ultimatums! I mean, has anyone else ever thought about how the only person who has truly gotten fired from SUR and never gotten her job back has been Kristen? I have to wonder why that is…

And it’s possible I spoke too soon about this season being good, because this episode was kind of a bore. I tried to make this recap as exciting as I could, but putting jokes into this uninspired episode is like trying to inject life into a corpse… or into Giggy’s hairless body. Boom! And with that, I’m out of here! See you guys next Monday, because I’m pretty sure Bravo is f*cking with us yet again by changing the time of this show. For the record, I DO NOT SUPPORT THIS!

Images: Trae Patton / Bravo Media; Giphy (4)

from All Of Beer http://allofbeer.com/vanderpump-rules-season-7-episode-3-recap-%c2%b7-betches/ from All of Beer https://allofbeercom.tumblr.com/post/183010553612

[allofbeercom]

Vanderpump Rules Season 7 Episode 3 Recap · Betches

What’s good, Sexy Unique People? It’s your favorite recapper, Sgt. Olivia Betchson, here. I’m here one whole day early to recap Vanderpump Rules season 7 episode 3, which got moved to a new day for some reason. Smh, you think you can depend on something, like you have been doing for the past FOUR YEARS, and then they go changing it for no discernible reason. Is it so much to ask for my show to be on at a consistent time? Is it?? There’s so little I can rely on anymore in this world.

This week picks right back up at Pride, after James has called Katie fat. He yells at Katie to “lose some f*cking weight” before storming off and telling some guy that Katie can go f*ck herself. Way harsh, Tai.

Scheana is talking about how she doesn’t know if Hope hooked up with James. Which is fair because the only people who know that for sure are Hope, James, and God. And still Scheana gets sh*t for this very uncontroversial opinion. It may be besides the point that James cheats on Raquel a lot, but also, why is this anyone’s business? Scheana is the only one who actually likes and wants to be friends with Raquel, so she’s realistically the only one who is in a place to tell Raquel about any cheating rumors. Everybody else isn’t doing this out of loyalty to Raquel but a desire to f*ck up James’s life. You heard it here first!

Lisa arrives at Pride dressed like she’s going to the Kentucky Derby.

No further comments at this time.

Raquel comes back up to Kristen and Hope and steals Hope away for a second. Raquel asks her to tell her what really happened at Coachella. Hope claims that Coachella is only the tip of the iceberg and she and James were sleeping together for THREE YEARS!! Oh and I’m sorry, this Coachella incident was not at this past year’s Coachella, but it actually happened two years ago.

Me:

I’m sorry, hold the phone. So you mean to tell me that this alleged incident happened years ago, and we’re only just hearing about it now? Hope sat on this information for TWO YEARS?? And she’s bringing it up now as if it’s somehow relevant and current information? Seems extremely suspect. How can you even begin to verify something that happened years ago?? Also, is Raquel really meant to blow up her relationship over something that may or may not have happened two years ago? I’ve gotta say, this is not Kristen’s best work. Try coming through with receipts from this calendar year, hmm?

Stassi calling James an emaciated muppet literally made me spit out my drink. Speaking of said emaciated muppet, James is literally full-on in white Kanye mode. He’s f*cked up, slurring, wandering around and trying to order a pumptini. It’s not good.

Lisa pulls Raquel aside to basically be like “come get ya mans and make sure he doesn’t have another sip of alcohol.” Yeah, that will end well. When has anyone in the history of alcohol successfully stopped a drunk person from doing something stupid? Never. So Raquel confronts James again about the rumors, and all he does is call Hope a f*cking whore. Hmm, so she’s a whore for not sleeping with you? Reminds me of middle school when some girl called me a slut when I hadn’t even kissed a guy yet. Just fun misogyny things!

We leave this with Raquel saying she wants to stay with James for the Instagram exposure.

Raquel and James are trying to put together furniture while discussing the train wreck that was the day before.

Ok so James’s story is that he and Hope hooked up two and a half years ago, before he was with Raquel.

Me: 

Right after this, Peter calls James to un-invite him to his birthday. I kind of wonder what Kristen had to blackmail him with in order to get that to happen.

James: Well Tom’s drinks don’t taste like alcohol so it snuck up on me. Raquel: Mmm, no that’s not it.

Yeah no, that’s not what happened here. This is wild because I’ve never even heard Raquel speak this many words before, and I legit have met her in person. I’m into this, though. She says she doesn’t want James to have another sip of alcohol ever again. I’m not going to hold my breath waiting for that to come true, because I don’t wish to asphyxiate. Still, I can respect that she has a more realistic perspective of addiction than Scheana.

Some lady with a pageboy cap shows up to SUR to ask Lisa if she could give her brother a job. OK so it looks like we’re getting another Instagram model added to the cast… who’s probably going to date Scheana. Let’s just hope this guy shows up to the interview wearing pants and that he brings his resume.

Speaking of… Scheana shows up to Peter’s birthday party with Adam, which surprises no one. I’m glad they’ve finally taken their Instagram relationship public. The real question is… can he hang a TV in under 7 minutes?

Stassi is like, annoyed that Scheana doesn’t want to speak on rumors she doesn’t know about (aka James hooking up with Hope). Oh here’s the Stassi I knew and hated from season 5—the one who is only friends with people so long as they agree with her on all things and hate the same people she hates. That’s not loyalty, btw, that’s blind devotion!

Stassi and Ariana are finally joining forces to throw one birthday party. I would have commentary on this, but I knew this happened over the summer so I no longer have anything to say on the matter. Is Instagram ruining Vanderpump Rules? The title of my next think piece.

Ariana: Stassi just kept following me around and being nice to me so I gave up the energy to be bitchy.

Relatable.

Katie, Brittany, Stassi and Ariana are having a girls’ night and not inviting Scheana. Ariana is kind of being a mean girl by being like “yeah well I haven’t seen Scheana lately, it’s on her to work out her issues with Katie and everyone” rather than sticking up for her supposed friend and trying to get her an invite. Who has no loyalty now?? (I keep referencing this because later on this season, Stassi will come at Scheana for her supposed lack of loyalty.)

Jax and Brittany are going to a cheese shop because they’re starting a beer cheese company. a BEER CHEESE COMPANY. Literally watching Brittany act like beer cheese is a novelty you can’t get anywhere but her Meemaw’s basement is f*cking ridiculous. I’ve had beer cheese in Atlanta. I’ve had it in New York. Go to any artisanal brewery and you can probably find a beer cheese dip that comes with a soft pretzel. Damn, now I want a pretzel.

Brittany is going to invite Raquel to girls’ night, basically because she’s been cheated on by her boyfriend too. Let’s also invite Khloé Kardashian and Cardi B to this girls’ night. It’s Cheaters Anonymous up in this bitch.

Jax re: Raquel: Why would you want to be with someone who literally everybody hates?

LOLLLLLLLLLMFAOOOO IS THIS A JOKE?? Pot, meet kettle who everyone hates.

Jax has started his job back at SUR again. Again, what’s it like to have literally no consequences for your actions? MUST BE NICE.

Wait a sec, did Schwartz just call Katie his girlfriend? Yes he did. THAT’S YOUR WIFE! Or have you forgotten?

Schwartz goes to talk to James about calling Katie fat and the convo goes as follows:

Schwartz: Katie isn’t fat she’s sexy and luscious James: I know man Schwartz: Say it. I want you to say it.

You want another man to call your WIFE sexy and luscious? Weird flex, but ok. In predictable Schwartzy fashion, he doesn’t get mad at James or really give him any consequences for what he did. Maybe this is why Kristen has dubbed herself the Karma Police?

It’s girls’ night, and Ariana is SERVING in this see-through red lace number with a red thong. Everyone looks amazing, I’m really loving this. Looking at these outfits has cleared my skin, hydrated my body, and filled up my bank account.

View this post on Instagram

Don’t forget there’s a new #pumprules tonight at 9pm!

A post shared by Katie Maloney-Schwartz (@musickillskate) on Dec 16, 2018 at 1:51pm PST

Meanwhile at guys’ night, Jax comes riding in on a motor scooter. All I could think about was:

Jax announces he and Brittany are business owners, and claims they’re getting patented and whatever. I doubt that. Have you even filed an LLC yet? I’m not saying Jax is a liar, but a brief Google search for “Meemaw’s beer cheese” only pulled up a Bustle article.

Brittany tells everyone that she invited Raquel to girls’ night and you can see the group calculate whether they should throw their drinks in Brittany’s face or jump out the window.

It’s so rich that Brittany is inviting Raquel out to tell her that her boyfriend sucks. And yet, she’s still with Jax and is now pledging to be with him FOR LIFE, so?? The cognitive dissonance is astounding. Jax buys tampons one time and all of a sudden we’re meant to believe he’s a completely new person?

I can’t believe Kristen is telling Raquel that James has a really shitty temper. Spoken by the woman who punched James in the face??!? Kristen should get a gold medal in mental gymnastics. F*ck it, they all should.

Katie: I feel like I’m in the Twilight Zone where monsters are allowed to do and say whatever they want without consequences.

Yeah, welcome to 2018, bitch. Where have ya been?

We end this episode with Katie going to talk to Lisa to tell her about James calling her fat during Pride. I’m actually here for this Katie because Lisa is saying “James’ language is unacceptable” but not actually vowing to do anything. *Whispers into the void* just like when any high-powered man gets called out for unacceptable behavior. So Katie basically tells Lisa “it’s him or me.” You can tell Lisa is PISSED to not be calling the shots this time. Maybe if these men ever faced consequences for their gross behavior we wouldn’t have to resort to ultimatums! I mean, has anyone else ever thought about how the only person who has truly gotten fired from SUR and never gotten her job back has been Kristen? I have to wonder why that is…

And it’s possible I spoke too soon about this season being good, because this episode was kind of a bore. I tried to make this recap as exciting as I could, but putting jokes into this uninspired episode is like trying to inject life into a corpse… or into Giggy’s hairless body. Boom! And with that, I’m out of here! See you guys next Monday, because I’m pretty sure Bravo is f*cking with us yet again by changing the time of this show. For the record, I DO NOT SUPPORT THIS!

Images: Trae Patton / Bravo Media; Giphy (4)

from All Of Beer http://allofbeer.com/vanderpump-rules-season-7-episode-3-recap-%c2%b7-betches/