#also you see how Kell does the opposite and rarely drinks and when he drinks a lot he gets drunk and does silly stuff like swimming naked i

[purplebass]

Thought about Lila's trauma and drinking as her copying mechanism to deal with her emotions (in relation to her relationship with Kell but also with Alucard) so I wrote a post because I had so much to say :)

Special mention to @bluecichlid because your comment under my Lila meets her father again fanfic inspired part of this post so thank you lol

tw: alcohol mention, tw: trauma mention, tw: anxiety mention

We know from bits here and there that Lila's father was an alcoholic and she often ran away from home and he didn't even notice. This forced Lila grow up fast and her needs were never met. Lila using her father's copying mechanism to avoid dealing with things (mostly emotionally related) is not surprising. No one taught her what in psychology is defined as "emotional literacy", which is the skill to understand/deal with emotions related to oneself and the outside world. She learned that by herself by trial and error and observation, but of course this human skill is also sharpened by interactions a person has with their caregiver(s) and with their peers, which help us regulate our emotions and act according to what society expects us to do. From the look of it, Lila doesn't seem to have had any meaningful relationships after she left her father for good. Barron was a fatherly figure to her but she never truly let him in. Then she met Kell, and her life began to change because he was the first person with whom she was able to make a deeper connection. Then came Alucard, with whom she equally shares a deep connection which is different from the one she has with Kell, and many many more. I only mention them because they are important for the discourse I'm making in this post.

Lila likes to drink as a way not to process her emotions and numb them, because she is avoidant and dismissive just like her caregiver used to be. Drinking is her response to trauma. It's Lila's favorite copying mechanism along with fighting (both physical and magical) to blow off steam. It's the quickest way to kick her emotions to the curb because they are too much and she isn't sure she can control them. She doesn't want to be crushed by them, which scares her (hence avoidant but she also wants to feel). But canon hints that Lila prefers to drink alone rather than with someone. She doesn't feel safe drinking with others because she doesn't want to lose control, so she tries not to exaggerate.

Lila's drinking in relation to Kell: trying not to think about him hurting in tftop + Kell rewiring Lila's past trauma into a good one

Her drinking is often emphasized after she goes or someone is going through something. For example in tftop, she goes with the crew to drink after the fight on the vessel where Kell gets hurt by his magic and she knows he needs to be alone. She tries to divert her feelings (being worried about Kell and wanting to comfort him but being unable to do so) by celebrating the mission the crew accomplished, but she ends up thinking about him anyway while she drinks by herself.

I mentioned this moment specifically because this is one of the moments in the series where Lila has a positive outcome linked to her drinking, and it rewires her past traumatic experience. When she returns to the ship after drinking, Kell is waiting for her. He pretends to be sleeping because he doesn't want to appear anxious when she's out at night, since she prides of her independence and knows how to take care of herself. But Lila knows that he is waiting and she has an ambivalent reaction to it. She is glad but she also thinks he doesn't need to do that because she doesn't need to be looked after. So Kell tries to meet her in between by pretending to sleep, knowing that he needs to trust her or his anxiety will eat him. Kell fears abandonment as much as Lila does, and by doing what her father never did, he gives her the safety she needs and whom she doesn't dare to ask for from him. She equally gives him the safety he needs when she returns safely into his arms at night.

The same happens in acol while they are on the Ghost. Lila drinks while she plays and loses her boots to Jasta, and Kell gives her his so she can have her boots back. They have a moment before the ship is attacked and Kell asks how much did she drink. Liquid courage makes her honest and she confesses she rarely drinks in company because she doesn't want to be caught unawares.

Drinking and having fun is a way to deal with everything happening (risking to die because of Osaron, Lila finally accepting her feelings for Kell/his feelings for her, dealing with her new identity as an antari). But she instantly sobers up once she realizes that they are all in danger and we see how quickly the adrenaline makes her react to the new situation.

Kell tries to help Lila relax after a bad drinking experience

Another moment I want to point out in relation to Lila, Kell and drinking is when Hastra gives Lila the tonic to make her sleep. Kell gets mad at Hastra for spiking her drink because he knows how much she would hate that because it was done against her consent. When they are in Verose in tftop, in fact, Lila doesn't seem to want to drink at first, but Kell encourages her by saying: "not everything is a trap," and she decides to trust him and tries to relax. It tugs at her heartstrings that he sees her and is learning and trying to silently support her when she doesn't even know she needs support. This is love.

Lila's drinking in relation to Alucard: he wants to get information out of her + he's also a sort of confidante to her

There are other moments where she drinks while she is with Alucard in agos and he's trying to find things about her while teaching her magic. However, when she drinks with him and the crew she is guarded, and she never drinks enough to lose control and never does things she would regret. Her drinking is calculated.

Lila also drinks with Alucard in tftop. Alucard jokes and says "I'm far more fun than Kell," when he asks Lila why she's there to drink. She agrees, but her mask slips because it's easier to show Alucard (who I consider Lila's bff) how she really feels. Lila doesn't openly say that she's worried about Kell but Alucard understands because he is good at observing people just like Lila. She also lets him in her plans to catch the Hand. Alucard was the only one who knew about Kosika, about the Hand meeting and more - things Lila didn't tell Kell. That's not casual. Lila confides in Alucard because he is a friend and because it's easier to talk to him than to confide in Kell, with whom she's romantically involved and was in a difficult moment at that point of the story. She precisely avoids to talk to him about this because she loves him too much and she doesn't want to burden him. She knows he would worry too much if she did, and she doesn't want to add that burden to the emotional baggage he's been carrying for years. It's Lila's way to protect Kell from potential harm.

I wanted to say more things but I said enough lmao. Thank you if you read so far and if you have thoughts, feel free to interact <3

[wildflower8281]

Fall Feels

It’s an interesting thing moving from the East Coast with a robust four seasons to this desert with 340 days of glorious sunshine and only two seasons, namely super freaking hot and not so hot. But, hey, it’s a dry heat 😉 It’s awesome for me because my body registers as chilly anything under 80 degrees. I’m definitely very happy in this desert, even in the summertime! Howwwweverrrr….. even though, I greatly, greatly, greatly dislike cold weather,  I do confess that I find myself missing the colors of fall and I’ve noticed recently that my body still behaves as if it is living a New Jersey Autumn. What I mean by that is that I find myself feeling the pull of sleeping more, of making warming foods and drinks, of doing gentler types of workout styles these weeks. Even though the highs out here are still in the mid 80s, the mornings and evenings are cool enough for my body to register the seasonal change and (fun AZ fact) we here in AZ do not participate in Daylight savings, so it’s dark early, yo!!!!!! My body is ready for bed by 830pm because, by then it’s already been seeping in darkness for 3 hours. I ride my bike home around 530pm and I have my lights on because the sun is setting at that early hour. Makes for some awesome sunset sights, though!

Sleep

While some people might be calling themselves lazy or any other negative terms for feeling the natural pull of wanting to sleep more these weeks, I don’t! I just listen to my body and enjoy the cozy, warmth of my bed that my body is yearning for. We are seasonal beings and our bodies have a circadian rhythm programmed deep inside that wants to slow down and rest as the days get shorter and the weather gets cooler. (Think hibernation instincts, but for humans.) Sure, we can ignore that with lots of screen usage, forcing ourselves to go out, stay out late, whatever. That’s fine and fun sometimes, but if we let them, our bodies will speak to us and ask for more rest right now. It’s a little harder to hear out here in the desert because we are truly in our sweet spot, according to most – days are sunny and temps are lovely. (I prefer May and September, but I’m the minority in that.) But when that sun sets, it feels real good to cozy up in front of a bonfire or under a blanket with a book or some chai and let the season envelope you in warmth and rest. That is some good medicine right there. Enjoy it! You’re not lazy – you’re just enjoying the season! And for the record, sleep is like a super stress reducer, it’s when your body heals and repairs everything from brain exhaustion to workout stress, and it keeps you looking radiant! So, sleep, peeps! 

Personally, I’m a total morning nerd and always have been. I love to get up at 5am, so that I have some hours of darkness & solitude to paint or write or read, then workout before heading into work. I cannot do much of those things after work. My body and brain just are much more buzzy and ready to do all that in the morning. So I do go to bed usually by 10pm and am up at 5am. But these days, I’m aiming for 830/9pm the latest and it feels real nice. #noshame #830pm #niteyniteworld

(Photo of my backyard in New Jersey last November, in full Autumn glory!)

Food/Drink

Nothing feels quite as good as a hot mug in your hands, when the weather is chilly.

 When our bodies feel the chill, they naturally yearn for warming foods, spices and drinks. Chili, chai, cider, hot chocolate, soups, ginger and all things cooked are in their glory right now. If your body yearns daily for any or all of that, now is the time to indulge it! Even though it’s not quite as cold as New Jersey (where Mom says it’s been in the 30s!) – there is enough change in the weather here where probably most of our desert bodies still register it!

Living here in the desert, I noticed back in like May when it began getting and staying super hot, all my body wanted was bowls of fresh fruits and huge green, salads. Nothing cooked or hot, thank you! Now, it’s feeling the opposite and I heart every Instagram photo of cozy looking hot drinks with cinnamon sprinkled on top of frothy whipped crème and every kind of steaming, spiced cup of tea that I see, because my body is like Yes, That, Please, Now! Bowls of fruit and salads of raw veggies just feel cold inside and my body isn’t down for that anymore.

I’ve made cookies the past 2 weekends, I intend on making some apple-cinnamon bakey thing this weekend (I rarely use recipes, to many people’s horror.) I roasted sweet potatoes last nite and ate them all. I’ve made fresh ginger tea. It’s time to turn on the oven and make some warming foods. It’s time to spice up some teas, use the cinnamon and drink down the melty, yumminess of a hot tea or chocolate with a splash of crème.

Movement

When the summer months hit, I found myself wanting to move more rigorously during my daily workouts, so I began switching into HIIT routines (high, intensity, interval trainings) which made me work super hard and sweat insanely during and after. I would do those, mixed with a lot of toning/pilates type of workouts. I’ve been doing these since about May and then all the sudden this past week my body was like, Kell, Ok, done with that. Slow it down. Way down. And at first, my inner voice was like, But, how will I stay in shape if I don’t train insane and sweat profusely 3-4x a week? But then, my deeper, wiser spirit reminded me, Just listen and trust. So, as of this past week, I’ve been doing a lot more yoga which feels amazing. I discovered yoga in the month of November back in 2013, so it’s a very comforting time for me to return to this practice that has so changed my life (post on that in the works.) And for years, yoga was my only ‘workout’ and it did and has kept me in shape, so I have stopped worrying about it. Long, juicy hours of warming vinyasa or flowing type of yoga, where you are moving on your mat, up and down, breathing and moving, really feels good and warms the body while at the same time being much, much gentler on my body than jumping squats, high knees and burpees. So, I’ve chosen yoga as my mainstay now, along with rounds or days of pilates toning (which is hard if done correctly, but very low impact as well) and strength training (minimal, but important!)

So, if your body is speaking to you about how he/she wants to shift this season, it’s wise to just go with it. Your body speaks, has a language and intuitively knows what it needs, wants and what will make it function optimally, in all seasons. Just like the rest of nature, our bodies go through a seasonal rhythm, where it needs and does varying things. If he/she is asking to slow down, move gentler or change routines, then enjoy that change and watch how good you feel. Just don’t stop moving though – even if you just walk everyday and enjoy this beautiful weather, that’s great! We naturally will eat heavier foods these months and also naturally want to slow down our exercise styles, but we must still move our bodies! Get that blood flowing and enjoy the happy endorphins that come out to play each time. Your body and mind will thank you, even if it’s hard to start. It always feels great after! 😊

(Another photo from Autumn on the farm, NJ, 2016)

Deep, Seasonal Instincts

I guess I felt like documenting this shift because it is fascinating to me how our bodies really are somehow, somewhere deeply in tune with the earth and the seasonal changes, as drastic or as subtle as they may be. I noticed and responded to them in the summer and I am noticing and responding now. One magic lesson yoga has always taught me and I’m always reminded of is not to force anything, in life and in our bodies. So, if my body doesn’t want to do really high impact, intense workouts right now, I will not force that on her. If she doesn’t want to eat bowls of fruit or raw veggies because they feel cold, I won’t force that either. Logically, I know that there are healthy ways of eating and moving that are appropriate to this season and we will do those and most likely, we will feel amazing doing them because it’s what we want, intuitively. Like in yoga, I’m trying to be attentive, observing sensations in my body, moving where it naturally flows and lingering where it feels good. Like in my bed.  😉