#alsoooo. i think if you have a platform of any kind and are not using it to talk about the horrors happening in palestine… | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

annasilvester · 3 years

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Why does this account exist.

Firstly—for my thoughts, so they can go somewhere 😂

Also

The tricky thing with social media

Half the time I’m like “yes yes social media is good u can connect to people from everywhere anddd”

But other half: why do we feel the need to share our lives with everyone, does privacy even exist, are we all that insecure, etc etc

But like— if I ever do have a platform of some kind, no matter how small, I don’t wanna hide behind not having social media. Whenever I’m feeling insecure like “oooh what will people think of me / my writing / whatever” I go ah it’s ok just don’t have social media, at which point I employ the “not sharing ur personal life” excuse as a facade.

I don’t know how much of a facade it is yet. I haven’t been able to separate the two.

Basically I wanna be honest and myself and not some sort of mysterious bEiNg. And I don’t wanna hide.

And I wanna get used to the fact that—if people don’t accept me, fine. At least if they have a way to get to know me they can make an educated decision in that point.

(I will probably never get to a point where it would be a big deal, I mean I’m just talking to myself atm but I’m postulating for the future 😂)

Also, short life, do what u want. Don’t let ridiculous higher morals get in ur way.

Alsoooo what was it? Um. Oh don’t say I’ve forgotten.

Oh yeah. I also don’t wanna ruin this thing that—idk— when I read a book there’s something special about knowing nothing about the author. It’s just a book. And that’s what a book is supposed to be; it’s not supposed to be the author, it’s not supposed to be your opinion of the author, or your assumptions of the motivations of the author—whenever I find something out about the author my view of the book becomes tinted, I think, as much as I try not to let that happen and try to keep the two separated.

Does everyone else have that? Do others find more joy in knowing about the life of an author? What do you do if you search for a way to connect to the author but when you do, you find yourself disappointed and disheartened after.

And then how are you supposed to cultivate/uphold a pure experience of the book?

Same goes with actors, finding things out about the actors. Sometimes it leaves me feeling pleasantly surprised, but more often than not I just feel... off.

I know that i personally need to restrain from looking things up about authors/actors/singers/writers etc. Put I don’t know if the same goes for others. Or if knowing about the author adds to the experience.

Also, I’m scared of people knowing about my flaws, imperfections, weaknesses, humanness.

Sometimes it’s the opposite—it feels like you’re being true and genuine.

But there’s something liberating about putting yourself out there for people to find out about, if they want. Because then it means that you don’t feel like you’re hiding any more—if you’re being honest, that is, which I think I am doing, and intend on continuing to do.

It’s not a big deal. Everything will be inconsequential one day.

Entropy. That makes me feel better.

Sometime—I think that maybe you just have to do what makes you happy? Is this making me happy? I don’t know.

I like the idea of people being able to talk to me, about my work (if I EVER FINISH IT///publish) and knowing my motivations, other things, also then being able to tell me about things I missed, things that could be better, mistakes I’ve made. BUT STILL BE AWARE THAT MY AIM DOESNT HAVE TO BE TO PLEASE PEOPLE (as long as it’s not hurting anyone)

But that is also really scary.

Also people will inevitably say mean things. But I will try to know (because I DO know, but in the moment it can be hard to be distant) that these are the kind of people that... well.

It can be different. People can be mislead, they can be defensive, they can be emotional, or they can just be—and I struggle to get my head around this, because I always think there are motives and other reasons— mean. ?? But why, I don’t know. I understand criticism, but not meanness. I think it always stems from something else? I don’t know! I can’t get my head around it really. Mean for the sake of being mean?

Maybe I’ve just been very sheltered in my life.

Tangent.

Anyway. Yeah.

I’ll invariably change my mind, LOADS, and often.

But I think this is for the good?

People have flaws. I do. See them. Everyone has them.

I think my biggest fear is hypocrisy. I try not to be, and i would never, for example, consciously condemn people for stuff I’ve done myself which I don’t condemn myself for (is that the right us of the word condemn?)

And if it’s accidental, I have to accept, it was accidental. I’m not afraid to apologise for my own actions.

This is a brainstorm I think. Just... here’s my brain. Have it. Take it. Judge it. Hand it back to me on a platter.

Idk.

I can vote in the next general election. That’s exciting.

Uhhhhhh

Tbh (again) I’ll probably never be in a place where any of the above actually is relevant, but as a general philosophical question it’s something that bothers me a lot, even if it’s not in the case of myself but other people.

I struggle to have opinions.

Also I’m scared of saying stuff like this for fear of seeming big-headed,,, ik other people realllly don’t care that much and they shouldn’t! Because it’s not their lives—so why do I care? (Why do I want, to quote Atwood, English lit is really gonna have to start paying rent in my head soon) idk. People don’t care nearly as much as you think they do.

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