#although i did change a lot based on fingon's situation at hand with mae

[mai-sau]

if you're still taking them: russingon + 34?

!!! thank you so much for prompting (and for your patience, this has taken so long im so sorry!!) and i really hope you enjoy it!! i admit this one stumped me for a while because every time i tried to think of smth it was like, romance brain empty aro thoughts only. and then i went. oh. aro thoughts.

:3c

set in aman, pre-kinslaying.

Prompt: “It’ll never be enough.”

“Nelyo, please!” Findekáno hissed. Snatching one of the many plump pillows off his bed, he whipped it at Maitimo’s head. It landed right on target, smacking him  in the back of the head. It hit the floor with a soft plop.

“What?” Maitimo teased. A lazy grin stretched across his face. His eyes, sparkling blue, twinkled in a way Findekáno decided he most definitely did not trust. “Afraid dear uncle will see me trotting about his halls?”

Findekáno crossed his arms and shot him a look. “If it means that I will have to explain why I have let a Feanorian into said halls, then yes. Consider me very, very afraid.”

Maitimo merely snorted. With a grand sigh, he let himself fall backwards onto Findekáno’s bed, his body bouncing a bit on the downy mattress. Findekáno tried very hard not to notice how his hair lit up in a glowing amber in the light spilling from the window. And he most certainly did not notice how the locks  framed his freckle-dusted cheeks or his plush lips, now pulled into a pout. “Fin, please. Have a little courage.”

Findekáno raised an eyebrow. “And I’m sure you would love to explain why you’re roaming about these halls to my dear uncle?”

Maitimo groaned and threw an arm over his face. The rich ruby silk of his sleeve pooled over his face, obscuring it from view, though Findekáno was sure his expression aptly matched the theatrics. It was as good a surrender as he was going to get.

Sighing, Findekáno couldn’t help the fond smile that smoothed across his face. He joined Maitimo on the bed, sitting down next to where his friend lay. Gently, he laid a hand on his forearm, pulling it away to reveal Maitimo’s grumbling, pretty face.

“Come now,” Findekáno soothed. “Is it really so terrible to practice a little subtlety?”

“A little subtlety? You would have me creep about these halls like a burglar.” Maitimo huffed.

“It’s just for our families,” Findekáno reasoned. “You know I would love to spend time with you freely, as I’m sure you do too. We both know that isn’t possible, at least -” He paused, gingerly tucking a strand of hair behind his ear. At least while our fathers still quarrel like two wet cats in a barrel. “At least, not right now.”

“Fin,” Maitimo said. “You wanted me to climb out the window.”

“Well, yes,” Findekáno said. They paused, staring at each other. “Okay, maybe that was a bit much.”

“Maybe,” Maitimo said. They looked at each other a moment more, before his friend broke out into a grin again. “Or maybe I could stay a little longer? We were out for quite a bit today. We could both use a nap, don’t you think?”

“Well,” Findekáno considered it. They had gone out for a walk by a babbling brook Maitimo discovered while out the other day and had wanted to show him. It was quite lovely, and more than a little playful splashing was done, so they spent the next few hours sprawled out on the rocks chatting idly while their clothes dried in the warm air. Eventually, they made their way back to Findekáno’s home, managing to slip unnoticed through the halls despite Findekáno’s anxiety over the whole thing. 

They had spent the past three hours talking over everything and everything, Maitimo occasionally running his hands over all the bits and baubles in Findekáno’s room, examining each one with a casual yet intent gaze. Were it anyone else, Findekáno might have been a bit antsy about letting them touch the little treasures he had acquired over the years that lived all about his room. 

They were small things, though each close to his heart: a wooden whistle he had whittled as a child, a violet he pressed from one of their walks together - Maitimo had pulled him into an entire field of them and they had rolled about in the grass for hours, talking and playing and laughing - and a sea-smoothed stone Irissë had dropped into his palm during a trip to the beach when they were younger, among other things. 

But as Maitimo brushed his fingers against the stone, admired the misshapen whistle, tapped the violet left out on the pages of his sketchbook - Findekáno felt nothing but a quiet joy, a deep contentment and pride unfurling in his chest at sharing what he cherished with who he cheris-

Well. That was where things got complicated, didn’t it?

Because Findekáno saw it. Even now, he saw it - that playful glimmer in his friend’s eyes, tender and touching and so, so confusing, because Findekáno didn’t know-

“Well?”

He blinked. Maitimo still lay before him, curiously looking him over. Distantly, he noted Maitimo’s fingers drumming a careless beat against his wrist - that’s right,  Findekáno was still holding his arm. He should probably let go now.

“I…” He really should.

“I… suppose it would be alright.” Findekáno said.

Maitimo’s brows furrowed slightly. He sat up on the bed and took both of Findekáno’s hands in his. “Finno, it’s no problem if you would rather not. If you’d be more comfortable if I went back out for now, then I’d gladly do so. Anything you want.”

“It’s okay,” Findekáno smiled. And this - indulging his heart, enjoying Maitimo’s presence for just a bit longer - this was okay, wasn’t it? “I love spending time with you. I want to spend more time with you.”

Maitimo still looked uncertain. “Are you sure? If you’re tired, and would like to rest on your own, really, it’s no trouble-”

“Nelyo,” Findekáno said. He placed both hands on Maitimo’s chest, gently pushing him back on the bed. Findekáno snuggled into his side, resting his head on his chest. No matter the confused whirl of emotion he felt whenever he thought about it too hard, Findekáno adored laying with Maitimo like this, especially after long trips out in the forests. Like this, he could hear the steady beat of Maitimo’s heart, pulsing against his cheek. “Don’t go home yet.”

He felt a hand lazily card through his hair. “Of course,” Maitimo murmured.

Findekáno wasn’t sure how much sweet time rolled past them, curled up together and dozing in his bed. All he knew was the slow, tender brush of fingers through his hair, and Maitimo’s heartbeat gently pulsing under him. 

“Finno?”

“Mm?”

“I love you.”

“You-” Findekáno felt the blood freeze in his veins. In his mouth, his tongue turned to lead, and he carefully chose his reply. “I… love you too. You are a dear friend to me.”

“Yes, but -” Maitimo choked off. Findekáno forced his head up, and saw Maitimo gazing at him helplessly. “Finno, I love you.”

“Ah.”

And looking at Maitimo, whose eyes bored into him with love and longing so plain and bare, Findekáno was struck with a terrible wave of guilt. Fondness. Shame. Want. Confusion. It washed over him, twisted up his insides, until the world was a blurry mess.

“Fin? Are you alright?” He heard Maitimo’s voice ask worriedly. “I’m so sorry, I didn’t mean to make you cry.”

Ah. So that’s what it was. Findekáno felt the warm, wet tears rush down his face. Trembling fingers touched his cheek, and Maitimo brushed away his tears as they came.

“I’m sorry,” Findekáno whimpered. “I’m really sorry.”

“Shh,” Maitimo hushed him, though his own voice seemed strained. “It’s okay, Finno. It’s okay. I just wanted you to know. It’s okay if you don’t feel the same. It’s okay. I’ll still be here for you.”

“No, it’s not - well, it is, but it’s - it’s -” Findekáno tried to explain. “I love you, Nelyo, I do, I do, it’s just - I don’t think I love you the same way - I don’t think I love the same way.”

Maitimo frowned in confusion. His thumb rubbed against Findekáno’s damp cheek. “What do you mean, Fin?” He asked gently.

“I mean…” Findekáno took in a deep breath, took in every bit of confusion that swirled inside him over years and years, and let it spill. “I love spending time with you, I love being around you, I love you, but when I think of, of love, I think of my siblings. My father. My mother. My friends. And you. And you feel - different, closer, I think you’re wonderful and beautiful, I do. And maybe we could make it work; it’s close enough, isn’t it? I love you, and I am attracted to you, so maybe this is just a big fuss about nothing, it’s close eno-”

“Finno,” Maitimo said softly. “Let me hear your heart, not what you think mine wants to hear. I want to hear you.”

Findekáno breathed in, once, twice. Considered. It was close enough. He could do it, go on with close enough and compensate for the rest, but… “I don’t want to perform, or pretend. Not to you, and not to me.”

“Perform?”

Findekáno sighed. “When I think of romance, I - I don’t know what I picture. I’m not sure I even understand it, to be honest. Which sounds silly, I know. Romance is two people in love, right? But I don’t know what in love is supposed to entail. I can’t even picture it. I try to, I do. I think of what it might be like to fall in love, and I try to think of what it might feel like, what could possibly make it feel different from the love I feel for my family, or my friends. And for the very life of me, I just… can’t.”

Findekáno slumped then, the tension releasing from his body at the admission. It felt like defeat. It felt like truth.

“That’s alright, Fin. I can’t even begin to imagine how difficult or confusing that must be,” Maitimo said. “Thank you for explaining it to me.”

“Mm, it’s…” Findekáno trailed off. “Nelyo, I’m so sorry. You’re here comforting me, when you put yourself out there and it must hurt and all because I’m the one who’s… broken.”

“Fin, you are not broken!” Maitimo insisted, eyes wide. “You live, and you feel, and you love in your own way. It sounds like you are perfectly whole, just… differently shaped?”

Findekáno couldn’t help it - he barked out a laugh, and felt another curl of fondness in his chest for the nér beside him. “Well, I suppose that’s a more optimistic way to put it. And… when I think of you, I feel…”

Even as he trailed off, Maitimo was silent. He would let him take all the time he needed. Findekáno knew it.

“I feel love. I love you like a dear friend, I love you like something I can’t describe; I grew to love you as a friend, and every day I know you I grow fonder. And I do find you - well, beautiful. But the love I feel hasn’t changed, per se. It’s still the same kind of love I felt when we first became friends. And maybe one day it will change, who knows? But I know that right here, right now, I see you as a dear friend, closer than any I’ve had before.” Findekáno took a breath, felt it fill his lungs. “I love you. But to say I’m in love with you would be… untrue. And I never want to lie to you, Nelyo, not ever. And… not to myself, either.”

Findekáno breathed in deep once more. Maitimo smelled of the forest, the brook they had delighted in together, with just the faintest notes left of his own home: warm spices and smoke. If he could lay like this for just a few more moments, a few more moments until Maitimo realized he was much better off pursuing his heart elsewhere than on a hopeless case like Findekáno, then he would take all the time he could get.

“Thank you, Finno,” Maitimo finally murmured. “Thank you for telling me. Thank you for trusting me. And I… would like to ask you something.”

“Yes?”

Maitimo swallowed, closed his eyes, opened them. Looked right at Findekáno. His eyes were crystal blue, Findekáno thought, and yet they were so warm.

“Can I… stay by your side?” He asked, voice soft as a feather. “Not as your lover, or anything you’re not comfortable with, but just… as whatever we will be.”

Findekáno sputtered. “But - Nelyo, you deserve to be happy. With someone who can love you in return. The way you deserve to be loved.”

“Do you not love me? You said it yourself,” Maitimo hummed. “Finno, your love may not be the same, but it is love. It is you.”

“Nelyo, please,” Findekáno begged. Please, please. Maitimo needed to understand, so they didn’t get their hopes up, so that they would be spared the inevitable disappointment, the unavoidable heartbreak. But my heart already feels like it’s breaking, Findekáno grieved. “It’ll never be enough - I’ll never be enough -”

“Finno,” Maitimo said. “You are enough. Your love is enough. Maybe one day I will fall in love with another, but my love for you is not so easily lost. I want to be by your side: as dear friends, as partners, as anything. You bring me so much joy, Finno, so much, and when we are together I feel as if my heart is at peace and ready to burst at the same time - I want to see you happy, and cherished, and loved. Because I love you, deeply, and Finno, that will not change simply because you love differently. I love you.”

Oh dear - Findekáno’s vision was going blurry again. He felt warmth in his chest, through his whole body, blooming through each vein.

Maitimo made a helpless noise. “Oh, you’re - stars, Fin, I’m so sorry -”

“No,” Findekáno said. Knowing he could say the words without any pretense or performance, true and raw, he smiled. “I’m just - I love you. I love you so much.”

Slowly, sweetly, Maitimo’s lips curled into a smile, as if enjoying the most wonderful treat he had ever tasted. “I love you too.”