#always a middle man holding access who can steal your goddamn shit from you at any time

[scribblingface]

hey so important heads up for users of amazon (especially if you have your ebooks through amazon):

if your account is locked (such as because of repeated failed login attempts from an unrecognized device, as an example), the ONLY way to unlock it is by providing information about your recent amazon purchases that have been made within the past year. if you have made no amazon purchases within the last year, there is no way to unlock your account.

in other words, if you have for example your entire ebook collection associated with your amazon account and that's your only way to access it, and you don't purchase something for a year, and amazon arbitrarily locks you out for some reason, you will permanently lose access to ALL your books with zero recourse.

I spoke to a customer service person at amazon today to try to unlock my account, who explained that in the system on her end there is NO other option to unlock an account except verifying the recent purchases, and if there hasn't been a purchase recently enough that option isn't available to them to access.

so uh. fuck amazon to hell for their ability to steal all your books at random and give you no way to get them back.

[crashdevlin]

Succubus 1- Caught

Succubus Masterlist

Author’s Note:  Posted to Ao3 (this is an edited and improved version) and was once posted here when I was a much smaller blog…and I got some shit for the content. So heed the warnings!

Summary: When Y/n goes looking for something in Stark Tower, she finds more than she bargained for.

Pairing(s): Tony Stark x Reader, Clint Barton x Reader 

Word count: 4556

Story Warnings:  18+! HERE BE SEX!! DON’T READ IF YOU’RE A YOUNG’UN!!!, unprotected sex, cheating, sex-pollen-esque powers, mutant reader, noncon, forced cheating, oral (fem rec), mentions of noncon of an underage girl by men in power (teachers, policemen, doctors, priests)

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

You walk past the line and straight up to the bouncer, who takes one look at your tiny tight-fitting dress and stripper-high platform heels and lets you in without a word. You don't even have to use your mutant ability on him. Oh, this night is going to be cake. You snake your way through the gyrating bodies on the dance floor, careful to not use your power on any of the people in the crowd. The passion and lust rolling off of them as they bump and grind against each other is delicious but you don't have time to stop for a snack. You're on a mission and you're here for a meal.

You walk up to the VIP room and smile at the tall, broad-chested man standing at the doorway. He stops you, putting a hand on your bare shoulder. Mistake. "Sorry, ma'am. Mr. Stark requested...privacy." He trails off a bit at the end as your power starts its work on him and his eyes dilate more than the dark of the club requires.

"Oh, I know he's a busy man, but...I'm such a huge fan. The man saved the whole city. He's my hero." You place your hand over his and lean over next to his ear as the bodyguard's breathing grows heavy. "I just really want to show my appreciation."

His fingers fumble with the velvet rope as he lets you into the VIP room, where Tony Stark sits, alone. "Hey, Hap, who's this?" he asks, setting his glass of whiskey on the glass table in front of him.

"I, uh, didn't catch her name." You smile at the man and he flushes deep red before leaving to man the door again.

You sit down next to the billionaire and stare up at him with admiration. "Mr. Stark. I'm a huge fan. My name's Aphrodite." You offer your hand and he takes it. His eyes dilate immediately and he takes a deep breath. His desire is immediate, strong and delicious. You are gonna eat well tonight.

The hand that shook yours moves to your bare knee. He's doing your work for you. "'Aphrodite, huh?"

His desire grows as the skin contact stretches out, the seconds ticking by. "Yeah, my parents were huge Greek mythology nerds," you lie. It's a code name: self-imposed but ever so fitting.

His hand slips up to your thigh. "Well, it suits you; 'cause you are the sexiest thing I've ever seen, and I work with a woman who uses sex as a weapon."

You take a steadying breath. Damn, his passion is potent. "Thank you, Mr. Stark."

"Call me 'Tony'. Seriously, though, this dress leaves nothing to the imagination and I can't stop imagining it in a puddle on my floor." His hand reaches the hem of the dress and his fingers push under the tight silver material, pushing it up to your hip as his hand finds what it is searching for.

You moan and swallow thickly as his fingers trace your lips through your lace thong panties. "I heard you were a forward man, Tony, but I never imagined..." You moan as he moves the lace barrier aside and sinks his middle finger into you, down to the knuckle. It's over. Nothing can stop it, now. He begins fucking you with his expert fingers, using the heel of his palm to rub against your clit. It's always nice when they know what they're doing and goddamn if Tony Stark isn't a damn pro. You reach over and rub his erection through his designer jeans, your fingers tracing his hardness through the thick denim. Oh, this is going to be a treat. No wonder the man's so damn cocky.

"You ever been fucked by a billionaire?" he whispers in your ear, before leaning down to lick at your neck.

"I get the feeling I'm about to," you whisper through your moans as he adds a second finger and picks up the speed.

"Yeah, we're gonna mark that off your bucket list," he grunts, going to undo his pants. You put your hand on his to stop him.

"Not here. I wanna see the top of the city. Take me to the Tower?" you beg, breathlessly.

He growled, low in his chest. "I've always wanted to fuck someone on the balcony. Pepper has never gone for it. You game, Goddess?" 

"Oh, hell yeah." You bite your lip as he pulls his hand away.

"Let's go. Hap, grab the car!" he shouts, pulling you up and giving you a minute to fix your dress before pulling you out of the VIP. The look on Happy Hogan's face, when Tony opens the car door and pushes you in before taking the wheel from the bodyguard and speeding away from him, is pure judgement. His desire has worn thin and now, he's judging Tony for acting on it. He must be friends with Ms. Potts.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Tony has your dress and thong bunched at your feet before you've even stepped off the elevator. You step gracefully out of the shimmery and lacey materials and he guides you backward, his mouth attached to your neck. You should've been a dancer; the way you move backwards and in high heels. You grab Tony's jacket and push it down his arms. He drops it somewhere between the elevator and the wet bar. "Are we alone?" you ask, trying to look around but finding it difficult with Tony's persistent pushing and grabbing at you.

He grunts. "Avengers hiatus. Pepper's in Malibu. Just us."

You smile. "Perfect." You break away from him and grab at the waistband of his jeans, popping the button and pulling them and his red silk boxers down as he kicks his shoes off. He pulls his shirt over his head and steps out of his pants as you bend down in front of him. You grasp him at the base of his cock, your fingers nestling nicely in his well-groomed pubes, and guide him into your mouth. His hands grasp at your hair as you begin to bob your head up and down his length, your tongue swirling around the head and flicking at the frenulum. He pulls you up by your hair and shoves his tongue in your mouth, smashing his lips into yours.

"I have to have you. Now." He pushes you toward the balcony and you stumble a little on your heels before following him out onto the biggest balcony you've ever seen. He pushes you onto a chaise and is almost immediately between your legs, sucking your clit into his mouth and licking at it harshly. His beard rubs against your sensitive lips and adds something wonderful to the feeling.

"Fuck," you moan, one hand grabbing the armrest of the chaise and the other going into his hair.

"Yes." His desire is at its peak when he responds, pulling away and climbing up your body. There's no fanfare, no hesitation, as he spreads your legs further and enters you to the hilt with one thrust. You grab onto him as he starts to pound into you. He feels amazing, he tastes amazing, his desire almost more fulfilling than his dick. He pushes your knees up into your chest, never breaking his stride as he grabs each of your breasts and shifts his weight. You scream out as his new angle hits your g-spot with each swing of his hips. "Feel like a goddess, too. So...fuckin'...fuck," he grunts out.

He cums hard, breathing heavily. You can feel his dick twitch inside of you as he spills himself onto your inner walls. His hand goes to his head and he clenches his eyes in pain and then he passes out, slumping on top of you, soft dick still inside of you. You sigh and push him off of you. He crumples unceremoniously to the ground beside the chaise as you stretch your neck and shoulders. You look down at him. You were hoping he'd get you off before he went, but that was rare. It takes a special kind of man to hold himself back against your pheromones long enough to give you an orgasm and no Homo Sapien has managed it. Oh, well, his desire had been yummy.

You stand and walk inside, getting in the elevator and redressing yourself. You hum amelodically as you tap the button for the laboratory and the elevator doors close. You step off the elevator and dance around the lab until you come to a computer. You pull the earring off of your right ear and pull the cap off of a concealed USB drive. You plug it into the computer and no more than ten seconds pass before everything goes dark.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

You wake up in a sitting position, your head hanging. You can tell that you are restrained to a chair. You don't open your eyes, allowing yourself to gain as much information from your other senses before you let on that you're awake.

"I don't know, Barton. She said her name was 'Aphrodite', but if that's a codename, it's not in any of the databases that I have access to, which is all of them." Tony's voice is coming from your left. 'Barton', that's gotta be Clint Barton. Hawkeye.

"She doesn't look familiar...or particularly hot. Not hot enough to fuck around on Pepper, I mean."

"She hit me with some kind of whammy. I said this." Tony's voice is annoyed. Aww, poor billionaire philanthropist is feeling guilty.

"Well, what is she? Cat burglar, super spy?"

"I don't know. She fucked me up, then went up to the lab, but JARVIS saw her and sent a legionnaire to knock her out."

You can't help the giggle that escapes you as your eyes open. You're sitting in the middle of a small room, zip-tied to a chair, in front of Tony Stark (wearing his repulsor gloves but none of his other Iron Man accouterments) and Clint Barton, wearing civvies with a bow slung over his shoulder. Clint shakes his head in confusion. "You get caught red-handed stealing information from the Avengers and you giggle?"

You smile. "I'm sorry. Is that not the proper response to being caught? It's never happened to me before."

"What are you?" Tony asks as Clint asks, "Who are you?"

You just smile up at them. They'll know in a few minutes. Tony scoffs. "That's fine. I got a sample of your blood while you were out. I'll know both of those answers once the results run."

"I've never been caught before. You think my DNA is gonna be on file somewhere? Especially if my name's not written down anywhere."

"Master Stark, her temperature has risen by 7.4 degrees Fahrenheit in the last two minutes," a disembodied voice with a proper accent says.

"That must be the infamous JARVIS. Forgot about you." You look up at the ceiling.

"What are you doing with a temp of a hundred and six?" Tony asks, tapping at his tablet.

"You'll see. In three. Two. One. Boom," you say. Tony and Clint sway suddenly, their heads swimming from your pheromone attack. Tony goes down, passing out from the overload, but Clint stays standing. He looks at you with a beautiful mix of lust and anger, because he knows but he can't get past the way you've made him feel. "How are you still standing?" you ask, staring up at him.

"Top physical conditioning," he answers, groaning.

"Oh," you breathe the word, enamored. "That's never happened before."

He growls. He pulls his bow off of his back and tries to draw it, an arrow somehow nocked on the string when you never saw his hand go near the quiver. His fingers fumble for a minute, but he eventually pulls the bow taut. "If I kill you, does it stop?" he growls again and it's sexy despite the loaded weapon in your face.

"I don't know. I've never been killed before," you answer, simply. His desire is spiking, he smells amazing, a normal man would be panting with that level of desire, but...Clint Barton takes deep, measured, breaths. 

"If I fuck you, does it-"

"Yes," you answer, quickly. You aren't hungry, but...damn, he looks gourmet. 

He quickly shifts his aim, letting the arrow loose toward the metal ceiling tile above your head, where it ricochets, cutting the wire restraining you. You don't have time to rub your sore wrists before he's grabbed you and pulled you out of the chair. He kisses you, but it isn't teeth and tongue like Tony's kiss. He sucks your bottom lip into his mouth and nibbles on it, lightly. His hands grasp at your dress, slowly bringing it up. How is he going so slow? 

"Master Barton, I have dispatched an Iron legionnaire to assist you," the AI butts in. 

"Fuck!" 

"Sorry, Bird-Boy. That's my cue," you whisper, pulling back and punching him. He doesn't go down, so you quickly grab the chair and bash him with the metal back. He crumbles next to Tony and you pull your dress back down as exit the room and run for the elevator. 

***********

"So, you failed." 

"No, sir. I don't fail. I just haven't succeeded yet. I'll get it. I just didn't count on the AI being so autonomous. I'll get it," you repeat, standing in front of a desk.

"I sent you because you have never failed me before, but if you can't get me those files, I will change tactics, Y/n."

"Erik, please. Don't write me off. I can do this. I just need a few days to recharge and rework the plan."

"You have one week, Y/n. If you haven't succeeded by then, I will send in Mystique." Magneto waves you away from his desk and you exit his office. You flop down on a couch in the sitting room as you pull long gloves up your arms.

"So, you struck out," the blue-skinned beauty teases as she sits next to you.

"Shut up, Raven," you groan.

"Aww. Don't get all upset. How was the Iron Man?"

"He was fine...for a human. It was that damn JARVIS program that got me." You sigh deeply, leaning your head against the back of the couch. "Who knew an AI could recognize a thief and send a robot to knock me out?"

"Damn. You got into the Tower and everything?"

"I got into the lab. I was so close. Now, I have to figure out how to get in there again. Can't go the normal route."

"Why don't you just release your little pheromones into the Tower, let them all play with you until the headache kicks in, then hold Stark off until he turns off the damn computer system?"

"It may work, may not. I might not even be able to make it near any of them. I don't even know. Either way, I have to take a day or two. I almost completely blew my load getting out of that building."

"Poor baby."

"Yeah, fuck you, Gonzo." You stand, pushing past the blue woman to head to your room. It was hard to think about the fact that Erik dismissed you so callously. It was almost like he only wanted you around when you were fucking men for him.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

You climb up several sets of fire escapes to the roof of a building in Bedford-Stuyvesant, New York, New York. Clint Barton stands on the opposite side of the roof, a beer in his hand as he stares out across the city lights. "You know, usually when I hit a guy with my power, he can't stop thinking about me." Clint turns to you, dropping his beer on the ledge and putting his fists up in a fighting stance. You put your gloved hands up in a nonthreatening manner. "Oh, whoa. I'm suited up. I couldn't affect you from here if I wanted to."

He drags his eyes over you. The only skin he can see is what's visible around the mask over your mouth. Everything else is covered in a purple, pink and black suit. Your hair is pulled back in a tight bun. "Okay, well...keep your distance still."

"Understandable," you respond, smiling under your mask. "I just wanted to apologize. I was just following orders. You understand that whole following orders thing, right?"

"Stark said you're a Mutant. You aren't an X-man, are you? 'Cause that'd be awkward at the next Hero Convention."

You scoff. "No. Unfortunately for me, I wasn't one of the lucky ones who was saved from the street by Saint Charles. My savior was a man of a different faith."

"So, you're Brotherhood; one of Magneto's." He doesn't ask. He knows exactly who you're referencing.

"Erik saved my life. If he hadn't found me, I'd've died homeless in Miami. He took me in, nourished and nurtured me; taught me about myself. I owe him everything."

"How'd you end up homeless?" He's relaxed a bit, taking a drink of the beer as he leans up against the ledge.

You hop up to sit on the ledge on the other side of the roof. "Imagine you're a thirteen year old girl, a virgin, and you wake up one morning and suddenly, every man who touches you thinks you are the sexiest and most desirable woman they've ever seen. Including three teachers at your middle school..." You put up three fingers. "... the doctor who was supposed to be treating you and gathering evidence of that first gang rape and two cops who came to investigate the occurrences." You flash three more fingers, then clear your throat. "Imagine your parents are hardcore Catholics who decide you have a demon in you that's causing the attacks so they send you to the priest who performed your confirmation who employs the help of three other parish priests. When they wake up and realize what they've done, two of them commit suicide right in the church." You shake your head. "I ran after that. My parents never looked for me. In fact, I heard they...held a funeral for me, buried an empty box."

Clint's eyes are searching you, trying to not show you pity but also making certain you're telling the truth. "I lived on the streets for a year and a half," you continue. "I kept gloves and long sleeves and jackets on, even in the summer in fuckin' Miami, because I was terrified of being touched. But it's not just my skin. It's in my breath. It wafts off of my hair with the slightest breeze. I learned that in the shelters. I ended up having to stay apart even from the other homeless. I have no idea how Erik found me, but he did. He walked up to me in the back of a back alley in the absolute worst part of Opa Locka and told me to come with him. He told me I was Homo Superior and that he could help me control it, that I could live a real life again. It was a dream come true.

"I owe him everything, Hawkeye. I owe him and that's why I went to the Tower, because the man I adore asked me to. But I can't do it anymore. I've been...forced into...prostitution." You look down at your boots. "Erik sending me to use my ability against Tony, using me to get into that lab and gain access to that computer...I don't even know what I was looking for, but he raped me when he sent me there. I let him force me to do something I didn't want to do, but..."

"So, you're here to...what?"

"Turn myself in," you answer.

"Really?"

"I was raped by Erik, and I...forced...I raped Tony, so I deserve...whatever the Avengers think I deserve."

"Yeah, uh, don't...say that to his face." Clint sets the beer on the ledge again and walks closer to you. "If Stark hears you call it 'rape', he'll blow a gasket. He's calling it a 'forced lapse of judgement'. Look, I can take you in, I will take you in, but I'm gonna have to call in some, uh, female help. Not that I don't trust you but I don't trust you." He pulls out his phone and taps the screen. "Hey, Katie. Uh, Kate. I need an escort. Yeah, not for me, thanks. I need a chick to come take this Mutant to the Tower. 'Cause she's a Mutant and her shit won't affect you. I don't wanna get into it. Will you come Hawkeye it up for me, please? Thank you." He pulls the phone away from his ear and smiles tightly. "Now, I have to call Tony."

You nod. He puts the phone to his ear and looks away from you. "Hey, uh...so that chick you're looking for? I know where she is. Here. In Bed-Stuy. She's turning herself in. Uh, probably because she knew you and JARVIS would zap her on the approach and that my building's only security is me and Lucky? No need, man. Kate's on the way. You don't need to send a Legionnaire. Because I already called Kate. Let her do a thing, Tony. Seriously. Thank you. Kate and I will have Aphrodite to you in thirty minutes or less. Yeah. Or your Mutant's free."

Clint pulls the phone away and looks down at it. "He hung up. I thought it was funny," he mutters before turning to you. "So...what's your name?"

You contemplate for a moment before responding, "Y/n. 'Aphrodite' is my codename."

"Well, duh. You pick that out or did Magneto?"

"I did, but Erik solidified it." Your mind drifts to Erik with his hand in your hair, fucking you from behind and grunting out 'My Aphrodite' with every thrust.

"How's he gonna take you defecting?"

"I'm not defecting."

"You're turning yourself in to the good guys. You obviously recognize Magneto was wrong and-"

"I'm done letting him use me, that doesn't mean Erik's wrong or that I think he's a...bad guy." You shake your head. "I know he's right about you Homo Sapiens. The things you do to my kind-"

"Come on. You Mutants aren't that different than us!"

"Tell that to the government who demanded we register, who built giant murder-bots to eradicate us, who've made certain that our fellow Americans are kept in constant fear of us."

"That's not unique to you Homo Superiors, Y/n. We do that shit to each other, too."

"And it's a blight on history when you do, but not for us. Not for Mutants. It's cheered when you round us up, when a child who doesn't know how to control themselves gets thrown in prison for a display of power they had no hope of stopping. You don't know what it's like to-"

"Should I come back?" a female voice asks as the door to the roof opens.

"No." Clint answers. "Kate, this is Y/n. Let's go."

"So, what's your power?"

"Kate." Clint's voice is almost a warning as the three of you start down the stairs.

"I'm just curious!" the young woman defends. "Is it rude to ask? Is that a Mutant faux pas?"

"I release pheromones that make me pretty much irresistible to men," you answer.

"But if they do sleep with her, they pass out," Clint continues.

"Yeah, that's called Postcoital Cephalalgia. It's from the rush of pheromones and hormones...little bit from the exertion."

"Wait, so you make guys orgasm so hard they pass out?" Kate asks, less like she's confused and more like she's impressed.

You smirk under your mask. "Pretty much."

"That's gotta suck," Clint mutters under his breath a little further up the stairs. "How do you ever finish?"

"I don't usually, Barton. Unless I'm with a well-trained Mutant who knows how to control himself."

"What, you don't affect Mutants the same way?" Kate asks.

"No, I do. I hit the Wolverine once and that was...painful. That one likes it rough. But he's used to overexerting himself and he's got that healing factor so he went the distance."

"Ew, Logan's like a million years old," Clint complains.

"I didn't really have a chance to care about his age. We were in a fight, I had to distract him from Erik and Raven."

"Wow, you are really nonchalant about this, like it's not..." Kate starts as you get to the last set of stairs and she walks through the door at the bottom. 

"It's my life, Hawkeyes. I am the Mutant equivalent of a damn succubus. I literally can't be embarrassed about sex. I feed off of it."

"Really?" Clint exclaims.

"Well, yes and no. I mean, I still need food, but...desire charges my batteries. I get sick without sex."

"That's...would it kill you if you didn't..." Kate trails off as you walk out onto the street and she raises her arm to hail a cab. 

"Longest I've ever gone without sex since I was thirteen years old was a month and that...I ended up in the hospital. The doctors fixed me right up."

Kate drops her arm and turns to you. "Thirteen?"

You shrug. "What age did you start puberty, Miss Bishop, 'cause that's when Mutants develop their powers?"

"But that's so young."

You chuckle as a cab pulls up. "You're so pure."

"What? No, I'm not!" she squeaks.

The cab ride is full of awkward silence and the driver looking at you in the mirror, confused as to why a purple ninja is in his backseat. When he pulls up to Avengers Tower, you hand him a twenty and get out. You position yourself behind Kate, obscuring his view of her until he pulls away. Clint notices, raising a confused eyebrow. "He was checking her out. His desire was...dark. It didn't taste good," you answer, walking through the rotating door into the lobby.

Tony Stark is upon you before you've made it ten feet into the building. Steve Rogers, Natasha Romanoff, and the Vision are flanking him. "Wow, she doesn't even look like the same woman," Tony says, maybe just to himself.

"Maybe that's because she's fully clothed," Natasha quips, her lips twisting into a smirk.

"Good job, Barton," Steve says, stepping forward.

"I wouldn't get too close," Tony warns.

"She's kinda...turned off," Clint says, nodding at you. "As long as you don't touch her skin, or like, sniff her hair or something."

"Why would we do that?" Tony snaps.

"What are you going to do to her?" Kate asks.

"Why do you care?" Natasha asks.

"Well, I mean...she's...it's not her fault that she's like this."

"It was her decision to come into my club and mess with me in order to get into my lab," Tony snaps. 

You put your hands up. "Don't worry about me, Hawkeye. I made my choices." You drop to your knees and put your hands on your head. 

"Vision. Go ahead," Tony demands and the android flies forward, placing a set of cuffs on your wrists.

"Okay, but what are you-" Clint starts. 

"We'll talk it out later, Legolas," Tony says as Vision picks you up and heads for the elevator.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

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[nottodaychacha]

Riverdale Chapter 19: Death Proof

 In which Betty continues to be the #1 best at everything, Jughead leans hard into the gang #aesthetic, Archie doesn’t screw everything up for once, Veronica finally starts acting like the badass she is, and all the parents are terrible except, shockingly, the Lodges (sort of).

Initial Thoughts

K: I like Toni and am glad she turned down Jughead and said she prefers girls. Now I can like her without complication. And I’m so glad they kept her bisexuality.  One of the great things about the new comics are how much more diverse they’ve become and it’s good to see the show at least attempting that (even if they could definitely do better), rather than white washing and straight washing everyone.

K: And I don't think Toni was trying to steal him away or anything. I think her issues with Betty were more what she represents (the Northside vs. Southside, affluence, oppression, race) than it was about wanting to steal her boyfriend.

K: I'm torn on them getting back together. Like, I knew they would and wanted them to, but that was fast and we didn't get to see the scene where she explains what actually happened. I wanted more exploration of their emotional states while apart. I do hope they at least go into how all of this is going to affect their relationship.  I miss the Betty/Jughead emotional I'll support you no matter what scenes from the first season. I am glad they are back together for mystery solving sake, too. They are better detectives together than apart.

K: Though I do love the Betty and Veronica mystery solving duo we got briefly. Yes, let's just follow a drug dealer into his den in our cutest high heels.

R: While I severely questioned Jughead and Archie's drag racing abilities, I never once (because she is a goddamn dark angel with a ponytail of gold) questioned Betty's ability to fix a muscle car.  Because she's amazing. 

R: Let Ronnie and Archiekins hang out in bed together in the middle of the day because nobody's parents give a shit, and be like, "Oh, no, your dad was shot, we better screw in the shower."  Bughead needs to be the, "You have to win a race that your dad goaded you into to save his gang?  I'll Rosie the Riveter myself and fix up this muscle car for you."

R: So, the Mayor is the worst.  She's like, "I'm not going to unite this town.  Also, fuck these students, who cares about them.  What's that?  My daughter did some drugs?  BURN THE SOUTHSIDE TO THE GROUND!  Why?  Because I'm the mayor, that's why." 

K: Who cares about arrest laws?  Like, they just rounded up people for, like, being in school and wearing flannel? Flannel and 80s denim being the official uniform of the Serpents  .

R:Open shirts and greasy hair being the official uniform of the Ghoulies.

The Big Bad

Theory: Maybe there's the real killer and then random dude (Hal?  Hal's secret twin? Sheriff Keller, Rosewood's rival for worst police ever?) who just took the opportunity to screw with Betty/use her superior intellect and detective skills.

1. The handwriting on the two letters didn’t match.  2. Whoever it is has to know Betty pretty well to know about the Nancy Drew book. 3. Other than the Sugar Man, the people he’s going after make no sense if his aim is genuinely to “clean up Riverdale” like he told Betty.

We would like for Sheriff Keller to be like, "Oh, yes.  I know exactly what's going on!  Just let me go to my secret Sheriff only room to get my thoughts together." Then he runs to the restroom at Pop's and calls Betty on a burner phone.

Side Quest

So Dangerous Minds was the Sugar Man all along. Sure, we guess that makes sense?  Like A) if he's Stand and Delivering these kids, no one would suspect him and B) easy access to his network of dealers. Plus, like, it's a shitty school so he probably doesn't have to do too much actual work.

Is Tall Boy evil or stupid? Why did he have to get Jughead on his side? He's like, "As the son of FP, you hold a lot of weight with the teenagers."  Like all 10 of them?  What about the pool hall full of adults?  Is that not enough of a quroum to vote in a joint venture with the Ghoulies?

The dynamics of this gang continue to confuse us. Like, Tall Boy appears to be the only active adult member now and Toni is I guess the only girl, so is this just a gang of like 16 year old boys? 16 year old boys who think taking care of dogs is a good gang initiation and solve their problems via Grease themed drag races and yet are also somehow the most feared and reviled people in Riverdale?

WTF Riverdale

Jingle Jangle.  JINGLE JANGLE. We continue to be expected to believe that any self-respecting drug dealer would name his product Jingle Jangle.  We refuse to take that seriously.

Yeah, it's bad or whatever.  But it's not meth.  It's like the kids did ecstasy with a stupid name and shoved into a pixy stix, and the parents are losing their minds about it.

Moms and Pops

So the Lodges were almost not terrible! Sure, they were fine with working with the people whose son would have most definitely raped Cheryl had he not been stopped, but they didn’t hesitate to throw them under the bus (possibly literally) when they found out he tried to do the same to Veronica.  So...progress?

Penelope is a monster.  She is just the worst, all of the time, end of story. Throwing the check in the fire at the end was not enough to make up for blaming her own daughter for her assault. Just an awful human being.

Homage of the Week

I mean, Grease obvi. Just look at this.

Cha Cha just wishes she could be Cheryl.

Most Riverdale of the Week Award

Despite us being total Betty stans, the winner is Cheryl!  She totally rocked the drag race.  Her conversation with Betty in the garden was hilarious.  She confronted her mom about her abuse and she pressed charges against Nick St. Clair, both very brave moves. She found out who the Sugar Man was.  Also, this.

A little insight into Cheryl and Betty from R because it was too good to not share:

I like that both Betty and Cheryl get stuff done and get answers, but in totally different ways.  Betty is journalistic, and a go getter who will walk into a creepy abandoned house that a killer told her to go to alone, or who will "innocently" ask the Sheriff questions under the guise of writing a school article.  Whereas Cheryl is just 100% about being super snarky and acting like she doesn't care, only to later put on her flashy red duds and some ballin' lipstick, and hold her mom's breathing tube closed or threaten to destroy the hush money.  Betty is about finding her answers, but Cheryl is all about forcing them into the open, whatever it takes.

Best Lines

“Not the kind of drag race I ever imagined myself going to, but at least the guys are hot.” - Kevin is all of us.

“I beg your misogynistic pardon?” - Veronica, defending women always

“I'm a school-newspaper reporter!” - Betty, the highschool newspaper reporter who is smarter than every adult in town.

“You catch my Riverdale drift, boys?” - FP, king of the puns.

“You are an enigma, Cooper.” - Jughead “heart eyes” Jones

“Oh well. Karma’s a bitch.” Veronica, stone cold and speaking the truth

“I found out who killed Jason Blossom. I found out who the Sugarman was. You're next, Black Hood. I'm breathing down your neck. Can you feel it? Can you feel me?” - Betty, the ultimate badass

-K & R