#am i saying taylor would enjoy this meal? dunno but i think she would appreciate the energy boost

[taylorhebertstherapist]

wormblr you must fry chunks of spam with edamame and eggs. season to your liking and eat with sriracha. do it now for taylor

[cosmosogler]

it’s already tennnnnnnnnnnnn

i uh. am still very burnt out. worse than yesterday. i feel dumb. like my head is a bucket full of goop. silly putty.

i woke up kind of on time. i felt very, strange when i woke up. i felt like i knew exactly what to do. but what i knew to do i don’t know. i went back to sleep for ten minutes. my arm’s got what seems like an irritated patch. i was thinking road rash, but looking that up, it’s not that severe. but it’s been bothering me. it’s near my wrist where i used to hurt myself a lot. i don’t any more, but the skin still gets irritated pretty easy i guess.

anyway, i went in and taught my class. after that my brain died. i took my office hour to mostly have a lunch break and only spent a half hour (out of the 50 minutes) grading. i also helped out the students a little bit. my tuesday office hour is in the practice lab so i get students coming by to practice for their lab sessions sometimes.

after that i spent just over two hours grading i think... i got a section done? i think? i don’t remember. and i filled out my paperwork for next semester with the registrar. as i was heading up to her office i was worried i would start crying if i sat down. i didn’t but it sure felt like i was gonna. after that i went to coffee cookie hour with jennica and taylor and luis and rebika. i gave rebika so much sass that she left though. i felt kinda bad but i joked that i couldn’t tease her if she wasn’t around. i was a little nicer to her after that except when she asked me a really rude question before i left for the night. i’ll get to that.

the undergrads had baked “trick” cookies and “treat” cookies as a special thing for halloween. i had one of both. and also a sugar bone.

oh i was wearing spider earrings today to be super spooky. and also my “Cool Dude” shirt because it is technically a costume and also because it makes me feel better about myself.

the “trick” cookie was baked with sriracha. i figured it out pretty fast. one of the professors commented on it later and i laughed and told him what kind of hot sauce it was.

the undergrad sam sat by me and luis and jennica again and started calling me cute repeatedly. i started getting kiiiinda tilted. 

“yeah, i’m super cute, i’m not an actual person with real feelings like sadness,” i grinned at her. 

she turned to luis. “she’s super cute when she gets mad and copies me,” she said to him.

“someday you’ll have to stop flirting with me to luis,” i told her. 

she laughed and said that was cute too. i think she is doing it to antagonize me. i am not sure why she is so fixated on such a belittling term, especially since we haven’t really had an actual conversation before.

i looked at jennica, who was dressed up as misty, and also sitting across the table from me. “which story should i tell her to get her to shut up?” i asked. 

“don’t,” she said.

“why not?” i leaned over to look at her phone.

she was all like, “because you’ll make ME sad.”

over the course of the day i had a lot of trouble having actual conversations though. i’d just perked up a bit because i had a cup of tea and mint tea cheers me up a little bit. talking to harrison was a huge slog. not because he’s hard to talk to, but because i couldn’t hold on to a sentence long enough to finish it.

he was super tired too. apparently this is the worst classical homework assignment we’ve ever had, and i still haven’t started on it. quantum’s due tomorrow too and i haven’t started on that either. but we hung out and talked for like an hour from 4 to 5. after that i got settled back in and worked on grading until after 7:30.

at some point i sent an email out to my professors and supervisor at danielle’s request. i’d asked her for help with communicating to my professors that i am really not feeling good and haven’t been for several days and i just haven’t gotten around to doing the homework. she said to email them and cc her so they could ask her questions if needed. so i did that.

i finished another section... i have finished 6, and have 3 left. harrison and suzanne have said that grading this last one is a nightmare but so few people finish that you can kinda just not worry about the last page or two. so that’ll cut down my grading time at least. and i already have a rubric made. 

the last 45 minutes i spent entering my grades into the database. so even if i haven’t finished ALL my work, i have my grade book on the school network up to date with attendance and elearning quiz scores and the 2 labs that i’ve finished grading. so all that’s left for the midterm scores is that last lab. that’s like 3/4 of the things i needed to have uploaded by the end of today... right?

as i was packing up to leave for the evening at 7:40 because i was too exhausted to continue, rebika came into my office looking for something on jennica’s desk. 

i’ve been working in my office instead of suzanne’s the last few days. it’s quieter and cooler so i can wear my sweater. the other office is really warm because it’s crowded most of the time and also because luis is running like three computers at once. 

she asked if i finished the classical. i said no. she asked if i had finished the quantum due tomorrow. i got irritated and said no because i’ve been grading for five thousand years.

“what the f is wrong with you?” she asked. i didn’t look at her and i didn’t answer. 

i mean like, she didn’t literally say “f” she said the full word. i just don’t feel like typing it out.

she started talking again at some point but i wasn’t listening. i biked home and made tempeh tacos and they were super good and i figured out how to get the tempeh the way i like it again. 

then it was 8:45 so i just... i don’t know. talked with an internet friend i guess. watched some youtube videos. not sure how i passed an hour actually. oh, i cleaned snoopy’s litter box, that took a few minutes. taking a break doesn’t seem to be helping me feel any better. maybe a solid meal will help me feel better in the morning. i certainly feel full for like the first time in a week... i’m sad that i couldn’t hit that deadline. i won’t have much time to work on it tomorrow, unless like, i skip e&m, which, i can’t guarantee that i am dropping it yet. so skipping would be bad. but if i do end up dropping it i’m mostly just wasting my time right now going to a class i can’t pass anyway.

stuck.

i’m still having trouble concentrating and processing things that are happening around me. like i literally can’t focus any more even though i still need to keep going. biking is kinda rough like this. my attention to my surroundings limping along with giant holes in my peripheral vision and ability to register sounds.

it’s probably not as bad as i’m making it sound. i got home fine. i’m just not quite sure how, now that i am home.

i can feel myself getting sick. like a mild cold, but still not something i want to deal with. harrison seemed to think it might be allergies, and it could easily just be the sudden change in weather since the cold front blew in. but also, working 9-10 hours a day every day with no breaks is wearing down my gears. like i take breaks, and i try to eat healthy and get enough sleep and shower and take care of myself, but it’s just, it’s too much. the only fun thing i did only for me and only because i wanted to enjoy it was taking a bike ride out to gamestop on saturday to get the event pokemon. even playing smash with my classmates is like, with the intention of calming down for a scheduled 50 minutes so i can get back to work immediately. 

i try to do something like that once a week. going to poker night. riding out to gamestop, or the book convention. but it’s only a few hours out of the week. the rest of it i’m working on finances or restocking my apartment in order to live or doing homework hour after hour after hour. i would like just a day off with nothing to do except hang out with friends and do what i feel like. maybe listen to an episode of taz for the first time in a month and a half. i heard the new arc is good. but i don’t have ANY time to sit and listen to a 90-minute podcast.

maybe even... two days off? is that too much? that seems like too much. i feel like i’d get bored. even though i have like 25 tv shows i’d like to watch, and a short story i haven’t gotten to touch in a month, and stuff to do around town with my friends that we just haven’t been able to get to. hang out by the lake! go for a hike! i dunno, spend some time outside! it’s nice out!!

anyway my writing time is up. i will try not to stay up for an extra 45 minutes tonight. wish me luck i guess.

my classmates have started trying to cheer me up when they see me. i appreciate the gesture... i told them that even i just don’t know what would cheer me up though.