#americans especially. brazilians are seen as open to strangers but we're very superstitious as a culture

[idkimnotreal]

i need to speak english in real life...

i'm brazilian, english has been part of my daily life since i was 14 (before that in school, but out of school only since i was about 14), i consider myself an advanced to fluent speaker (short vocabulary, i don't really know or forget mundane or daily things in english, my vocabulary is mostly related to book english), but i've never once spoken english with anyone in real life or even on a call. i was always afraid i'd blank out. it's a deep rooted thing for me.

so i recently moved and as it happens my neighbor one floor down whose apartment includes an outdoors patio that i can see from my kitchen window (to an inner open space in the middle of the building, i'd only need one word for this in portuguese but i have no idea how to say "light pit" in english*) has an american dad and they speak really loud (i know it's an american thing) and i felt... this sense of joy from hearing them talk english. hearing spoken english for the first time in my life that was not coming from tv speakers or headphones, but actually from real human voices near me (i was a kid at the time of the world cup so i don't really recall people speaking english, i have a vague memory of it, but not vividly). there was a child too, her half sibling, and i don't know, the whole bonding experience they were having using the english language made me happy to experience it.

i guess i need international friends that i can really talk to (not just text). not brazilian friends to talk english to, that's just boring, like i actually want people from different cultures that i can use english as a bridge to connect our life experiences. it's about that. it's what i figure is so exciting about english. it's... the world. english is everything. when i heard english, i heard everyone. for the first time in my life, near me, physically. it means i'm not necessarily tied to brazil. it reminded me of that, maybe. which is why i'm sad now that they're apparently gone. i keep expecting to hear their voices again, speaking english, and whenever i hear neighbors talking loudly in the halls i get hyped. but i think they're gone, back to the states. to the center of the world. and i'm here. too dysfunctional to leave this place.

(i'm not actually looking for language buddies on tumblr, there's a reason why i've never spoken english in real life which is like i mean uhh social anxiety/trauma)

*that's atrium thanks chatgpt