#ampbelokipi

[cloomsday]

im so so so fucking anxious. all the time. fuck. idk life stuff generally but also family...

like ive been in Greece for a full month now and my dad is just. himself. I definitely should not have relied on him for anything. we get to our summer place and for a full ass month my dad has just been smoking weed. the summer place is in an undeveloped rural beach town and we have no car, no washing machine, no fridge, no wifi, and no cell service. a week ago my dad got a car, but it’s a stick shift and he refuses to let me drive it for that reason. all I can do, day after day, is walk to the beach on this busy ass road with no sidewalk, since I can’t drive anywhere. the beach gets old after a month. my dad is just high all the time and does not care. I could have been spending this month preparing for technical interviews, but without wifi I can do nothing. I can’t go anywhere either.

ive been spending some time with my aunts, uncles, and cousins out here. they’ve got money, for real. their house has a damn elevator. and besides being rich, they actually, like, love each other. like they are an extremely tight-knit family, and always helping each other out and supporting each other. they host so many parties and like are always hanging out. I know nobody has an absolutely perfect relationship with their family, but I think they’re as close as it gets. my uncle is also like a big deal apparently, besides being a European like backgammon champion, his business is worth dozens of millions and he is also just a charming and chill dude. but the cousins have rich people problems- like the fact that one of them is 30 and has never had a job because she’s pursuing music. the other one dropped hundreds of thousands on flight school here in Europe just to drop out his last year because he decided he wanted an American certification instead.

I dont know. they're my family, and we were really close when we were kids, but some serious drama went down between my dad and them, that was entirely my dads fault, and we didn’t have contact with them for 10 years because of my dad’s orders. after my parents divorce, my mom went to live with them. oh it was all so traumatizing. it was all my dad’s fault. but anyway, time has passed and now it feels weird, that one day we were kids playing together, then ten years pass and they live in a seaside mansion with an elevator and a close family life, while my brother was sleeping at a homeless shelter not too long ago and our mom is dead. I mean its not their fault at all that things turned out this way and in all honestly i’m happy for their success, but its just hard to see them living a life that is far beyond anything I've ever even conceived of for myself. it also seems like they've been so successful that they’ve forgotten about us. they're perfectly nice in every way, but sometimes it feels like they barely seem to care about us aside from some pitiful looks now and then. they definitely dont blame my brothers and i for any of the shit my dad did, but they seem weirded out at us sometimes, like when they ask why I don’t go anywhere and I honestly tell them I don’t have money to do anything. In those situations I feel like being honest is making them look down on me, but im tired of lying to others about the realities of my life to make them comfortable.

anyway, I woke up today at 9am and it was pouring. it was nice to look out the window at the rain. so soothing. I went back to sleep under the pitter patter for a little more and woke up at 3pm. I dont know why, I fell asleep at 1am the night before and that's 13 hours of sleep. by the time I woke up my dad and brothers had already left for a day trip without me. i knew it was father’s day but I guess id momentarily forgot because my uncles and I were trying to figure out logistics for a trip and I called my dad to ask him some planning questions, then  he got upset when he realized id forgotten it was fathers day. shit I guess that was my bad. I said sorry, but I guess he’s still pissed.

so he was out on his day trip and didnt wanna pick me up from my aunts house, so we couldn't celebrate fathers day together. I told my aunt a little last minute that I wouldn't be going out and wanted to join her for dinner with my cousins and uncle, and she literally popped off on me saying there won't be enough food and stuff, and I was trying to say its alright and I can just spend the night on my own and eat out but I just started crying and it was so embarrassing lol.

u know when u just feel it coming, your hands shaking and your eyes watering and u cant blink the tears away fast enough and you look like a fool? damn I got so triggered. and suddenly im in middle school eating lunch alone again, at every holiday eating a microwave dinner alone again because my immediate family cannot stand each other, and I guess my extended just doesn't want much to do with me. fuck I hate eating alone now.

well, they ended up calling me in to eat and there was more than enough food and everything was ok. 

[kimbalayah]

LATE FEBRUARY 2017

I MOVED!!

I am officially living in Athens city now, in Ampbelokipi to be exact, and not in some weird town far far away!

It is lovely here, I live right next to the metro, everything is in walking distance I can even stroll into town from here rather than wasting an hour on busses and metros! And it is so cute, my last place was very big but barren and not well looked after whereas my new home has nice furniture, paintings and is adorable. I am already looking forward to hosting friends and sitting on my new balcony in the summer. The only let down is that I no longer live with my friends, but you can’t have everything!

[cloomsday]

It’s the way I have no interest in Europe outside of Greece

[cloomsday]

its the way that moonlight is one of my favorite movies of all time yet I've only watched it once because I think I will kill myself if I feel those emotions again <3

[cloomsday]

I PASSED MY LINEAR ALGEBRA CLASS

[cloomsday]

I wish I could watch Netflix and listen to music at the same time 🙄

[cloomsday]

me? obsessed with bella hadid? you know it

[cloomsday]

.

[cloomsday]

i really shouldn’t have gone off my antidepressants

[cloomsday]

honestly

[cloomsday]

haha that was fuckin tragic

[cloomsday]

i never stopped being emo

[cloomsday]

i'm such an asshole rip

[cloomsday]

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