#an entity of sorts. because they’re more to her than ‘more patients she couldn’t save’. but with people she’s BARELY interacted with

[h0lidayg1rl1225]

i hate thinking about it.

[its-ya-boi-autumn]

Alright look-

My little Cells At Work phase is likely going to be short-lived and I'm probably only going to manage to get 2 or 3 works out before it ends but I'll still add it to the Masterlist, though I'm not so sure of making its own section rather than just putting like "Other Animes" or like "Phases", I don't know just yet, but I'll figure it out.

Requests for this anime are also accepted for whenever, even after the phase passes I'll still write for this one~ Though I'm not so sure about smut because, well, they're cells, and they're asexual. I just find it strange and out of pocket since they're not necessarily 'human' (I have nothing against like mythical creatures or folk lore/legends and sexual content, I just think cells are different, it'll depend on my mood I suppose)

In the meantime have some neutrophil 1146 content because I was gonna write some killer t stuff but decided it would be best to start with someone easier (plus 1146 is the reason for this whole thing in the first place)

Word Count: 1455

Warnings/Contents: RBC!+GN!reader

This was the day you dreaded. The thought of carrying carbon dioxide through the heart to gather oxygen had been crossing your mind for ages, your superior warning you of the difficulties you may encounter. Though your concern wasn't getting lost or any sort of infection. It was simply other cells. You'd think being a red blood cell, you'd get used to all of the other cells around you. That wasn't quite the case however, still feeling anxious around large groups of cells you'd never met, which of course was often. This left you in a state of constant alertness, ready to move or take cover at given moment.

You continued staring at the map in front of you, wasting time. Though you couldn't wait much longer. Sighing, you folded your map up and scrunched it into your pocket along with your notes. You rolled your cart forward towards the inferior vena cava, trying to use some grounding to calm yourself. Your superior warned you of the crowdedness of the area beforehand so you'd be somewhat prepared.

Before entering though you figured getting some sort of energy would probably be best. You hadn't even been through the first trek and you were already exhausted by just the thought of having to transfer through just the first wave. There was a little vending machine nearby, you could probably get some glucose before the trip no problem.

Standing in front of the menu presented in bright lighting you browsed your options for a minute before just choosing the cheapest option. The pink and purple swirls caught your eye. You gave the vending machine its exchange before the glucose fell into the slot. As you bent down to pick it up however, someone bumped into your behind.

Upon the contact you immediately stumbled over, falling onto your hip with a pang of an ache shooting through your side.

"Ouch! Hey watch where you're-" you looked up at the perpetrator only to be met with a plane of white. His skin, his hair, even his combat gear, was all stark white.

"-going..." you trailed off, taken aback at the sight of him. He was unfamiliar, you'd never seen him before nor anyone like him. The grey shadows of his hair shaded the light blush on his cheeks.

"Oh, my bad." he said, reaching a gloved hand out to you. You took it, allowing him to haul you up and back onto your feet. You caught a glimpse of his hat. White Blood Cell 1146. You blinked a few times, the embarrassment and anxiety setting in.

"Yeah... It's alright though, I probably should of made sure no one was behind me before just bending down." you averted your gaze, eyes back onto the glucose still sitting patiently in the slot. I checked behind you again before reaching down to grab it.

"No, really, I should of been paying more attention." he refuted your response, tipping his hat to you a little likely to hide the pink on his face. A part of you felt kind of bad for nearly yelling at him, though he was right. It was totally his fault. You sighed, unwrapping the glucose and taking a few bites. The cold rang through your teeth though it was refreshing, replenishing your energy a lot more than you initially expected.

"Look, I told you, it's fine. Just be careful is all. I've got a delivery to make now so if you don't mind I'm pretty sure you're in my way. Please excuse me." you hadn't meant to come off so rude, though you really needed to get going. You were sure it didn't matter anyway, you likely wouldn't see him again. Pushing past him you carted your carbon dioxide out to the inferior vena cava. You could feel his eyes on you, though you didn't bother turning to meet them.

~

A little later on, after exchanging your carbon dioxide for that of oxygen, you made your way back around the heart to deliver it, finally done for a little while and able to catch a break. Your own heart was racing, your fingertips and toes throbbing with the adrenaline of being around so many other cells at once. You caught sight of the platelets heaving and ho-ing around the corner. You smiled, deciding to see what was going on.

"This vessel is currently under construction! Sorry about the inconvenience!" the little girl waving her flag announced to the other nearby cells, alerting them of their work.

"Hello little platelet! What's going on?" you asked, kneeling down to meet her eyes. She stopped waving her flag and gave you a smile.

"There was a minor abrasion a little bit ago, we're fixing it up though, so it should be good as new in no time!" she spoke excitedly, emphasizing her enthusiasm with a little hop and a toothy grin. You found this adorable, standing back to full height." Hopefully everything runs smoothly, see ya~" you gave her a wave, which she returned. You couldn't help yourself when it came to platelets. They were just so cute and they always worked so hard. You knew you did your part as well, though sometimes it didn't feel as good as theirs.

You heard a sound, a sort of rumbling from somewhere to your left. Your brows knit together, confusion scattering your previous thoughts. You turned your attention to the ground, the rubble bouncing around the tiles. You took a few steps back as you felt the ground shift below you. The sound made its way over to where you stood, directly in front of you. Other cells around you had begun to notice as well, their attention all on where you stood. Stunned, you continued to step backwards, not wanting to face whatever it was. Your eyes widened as the ground started to give, feeling the lurch downward.

Just as the floor cracked right under your feet and you sucked in a breath to scream out for help, you felt a force collide with your left side, shoving you to the right just in time for the ground to sink into a wide opening. The mouth of the hole gaped at you, scrambling to get up. You didn't even think to say thank you to whoever had saved your life, slightly feeling bad for not checking to see who it was. Though you didn't much care since they likely wouldn't of listened to you. Almost immediately, entities you'd never seen before started floating into the area. They're eyes scanned over their new surroundings, landing directly onto you.

"Ah, what have we here? A little red blood cell all cooped up in the arms of their savior?" the entity chuckled, it's voice possessing a feminine twinge to it. Its figure was covered in yellowish grape-like coating except for its hands, arms, and face. It had mentioned a savior. You turned your head up to notice the same white blood cell from earlier, glaring up at the germ.

"Oh- white blood cell-" he dropped you before you could finish, your head colliding with the tiles on the ground. You would have complained though you noticed him beelining directly for the entity, immediately slashing through it's body. Your eyes grew wide in shock, watching it's blood splatter across the other cells and the tiles in front of you. The white blood cell turned to face you, walking over to you as if he hadn't just murdered whatever that thing was.

"Hello again, are you alright?" he asked, his hand outstretched to you. You tsked, swatting his hand away and getting back up onto your own feet, brushing the dust off of your pants. Your hands set firm on your hips, brows knitted up at him.

"I'm fine, thank you." your harsh words threw him off guard. The white blood cells' cheeks flushed in embarrassment. You were being brash again, and in front of a large group of others after he had just saved you. Your expression softened and you sighed.

"I'm sorry, I don't mean to come off rude sir." you rubbed the back of your neck, soothing the annoying ache of guilt. He drooped his head, avoiding eye contact.

"It's alright, I didn't really expect you to thank me. I did push you over twice today." he mentioned the event from earlier, cheeks blushing harder.

"Hey, it's alright. You were just doing your job. No hard feelings." you admitted, offering him a hand as some sort of awkward reassurance. He took it, his hands larger than yours and covering the majority of your palm. A smile crossed his face in appreciation of the gesture.

"Glad you don't have any negative feelings towards me then."

[foxcantswim]

Take My Hand 3 | Thoschei

Take My Hand | Thoschei The Doctor convinces the Master to leave Gallifrey with her | 13 x Dhawan!Master https://archiveofourown.org/works/23059720/chapters/55229311

Well... I don't know how often I will update this. But here we go again!

Thank you for reading! I love you all! ( WE NEED MORE SOFT THOSCHEI GUYS )

Chapter 3: The Master gets jealous

-x-

The Master trudged along behind the Doctor. After spending a few weeks with her and the humans, he was already becoming tired of their antics. He had come to the conclusion that they were extremely reckless - always getting into unnecessary danger. He always put minimal effort in and allowed the Doctor to do all the saving. They were her friends after all.

The Doctor had taken them all on their third joint adventure. She wanted to travel with all of them together. Get used to eachother. The Master wasn't too keen on it. But it was either that or stay in the TARDIS for endless hours with nothing to do. He had already painted and re-painted the Judoon almost two hundred times. And he had already thrown every book in library at least twice.

The TARDIS was becoming annoyed and her hatred grew every day towards the Master. He laughed it off.

"Come on, gang!" the Doctor announced as they walked down one of the dusty streets. The planet they had landed on looked pretty Earth-like. The only distinctive feature was the fact that the planet's sky was incredible. There were five moons and many stars scattered the night sky, pink and purple lights swirled around them.

"What's up with the sky, Doc?" Graham questioned.

"This planet is trapped within a vortex," she exclaimed, stopping in her tracks, "Energy from the time vortex move in and out of the stars. This planet's time moves slower than others, so-"

"So the nights last up to three weeks," the Master finished, walking on ahead with his hands in his pockets, "Honestly, Doctor... You should tell them what the planet is like before you take them to it," he muttered. He had been to this planet countless times. It was sort of a getaway planet - a place to go and forget about everything else in the universe.

There were multiple buildings, all having a similar look to skyscrapers. And a couple human-like residents were roaming the streets.

The Doctor sighed, "This planet is also famous for perception filters," she explained before following the Master, "Everyone here is wearing one."

"So... They don't actually look like humans?" Yaz questioned.

"They're all from different worlds, different universes," the Doctor smiled as she waved at a woman who waved back in response, "All gathered here to take a breather. This place is also famous for having Earth features."

"Like selling awful human food. And playing awful human music," the Master said with disgust, "I mean honestly, do you lot cope with all those songs about love and break ups?!"

The Doctor smiled at the Master's complaints. She couldn't exactly disagree with that.

The three humans all looked around, quite surprised at how well the perception filter was working.

"Where are we exactly heading, Doctor?" Ryan asked, staying by the Doctor's side as they all followed the Master who was a few steps ahead of them.

"I just thought we could all take a break and explore. There are a few gift shops and you know how much I love a good gift shop," she smiled.

The Master had other intentions. He wanted to take over this infuriating planet... But he couldn't. Every time he had been here his intentions were cleared. The air on this planet was different to any other planet he had visited, calming his mind - making him forget about the drums momentarily.

He also wanted to visit a certain place...

The Doctor knew the Master had a certain liking towards this planet. She knew where he wanted to go, "Master?" she asked.

He stopped walking to turn and look at her as she approached.

"You sure you want to go there?" secretly she hoped he would say yes. Because she loved that place, too.

"Of course!" he exclaimed with a smirk, "The night is still young- Well! It will be young for the next few weeks! So why not?"

"Where-" Graham started.

"You'll see..." the Master didn't want to listen to them talk any longer, "Not much further."

The Doctor reached into her pocket and pulled out three flat devices - almost as thin as paper. She handed them to her friends, "These will let you purchase whatever you want."

"Seriously, Doctor?" the Master asked in confusion, "Who knows what they'll end up bringing onto the TARDIS?!"

"It'll be fine," she assured, "I take full responsibility if you regenerate in the process," she smirked before offering her hand to him.

He took it and they began to walk side by side towards their destination. The Doctor ignored his worries, continuously having to remind him that they aren't reckless at all.

Ryan had barely taken twenty steps before he kicked over a bucket of fresh fruit... He already had to use his device to pay for the damages.

"Reckless," the Master reminded her with an annoyed expression.

"Only a little," she gave him a shy smile.

-x-

The team passed by a few casinos and bars as they grew near to where the Master was leading them, "Do you always have to park the TARDIS so far away?" he groaned.

"If we park it close, then we won't be able to explore properly," she tried to reason.

Ryan had shoved pointless statues into his backpack that he, Yaz and Graham had purchased along the way. The Master tried to tell them that if they wanted figures of Daleks and such, he could just use his TCE to shrink a real one and give it to them.

The Doctor quickly declined for them.

The air grew cold as they rounded a corner, neon lights were scattered down the street ahead - illuminating the faces of residents and visitors who were heading to the same place the Master wanted to go.

They soon approached a large waterfall, "Just through here," the Master said.

"Th-Through there?" Yaz asked.

"Yes," he replied, "Through here."

"We'll get wet, mate!" Ryan exclaimed, not too happy about going through it.

The Master's patience was thin, "It's a dry waterfall."

"Dry waterfall?" Graham asked, "Looks pretty wet to me, Masty."

A look of confusion and disbelief spread across the Master's face, "D-Did you just call me M-?"

"Dry waterfall," the Doctor nodded, "I promise you, it's not like your average waterfall. Completely dry," she looked over to see some people walking through, "Trust me," she squeezed the Master's hand before stepping aside with him staying close - allowing Ryan, Yaz and Graham to enter.

"Woah..." they heard Ryan say on the other side, "That was proper awesome."

"Doctor?!" the Master exclaimed, "Did you- He- He called me Ma-!"

She silenced him with a kiss to the cheek, "I know," she smirked, "Doc. Masty. Has a nice ring to it, don't you think?"

"Not at all!" he assured her, "My poor brains can't deal with this," a sigh escaped him, unsure of how much longer he could cope around these humans.

"I think they're starting to like you," she assured.

He shook his head, "Can't have that. Humans liking me? Not my style," his free hand reached into his pocket, "You think if I used this on someone, they would hate me again?" he smirked as he waved the TCE around.

"No," she warned, grabbing it from him, "You will not use this. Ever."

"Ever?"

"Ever."

He pouted, "My suspicions were correct..."

"About what?" she wondered.

His pout turned into a sinister smile as he quickly grabbed the TCE from her, "You are extremely boring," he pocketed the device before pulling the Doctor through the waterfall.

Ryan, Yaz and Graham were a few metres ahead, patiently waiting.

"Thought you drowned or something," Graham smiled as the pair approached them.

"It's a dry wa-"

"Dry waterfall, yeah I know, mate," Graham quickly replied.

The Master was getting quite annoyed by the amount of times he had been cut off recently. Thankfully, this place had really strong drinks and the Master was looking forward to them.

They were all standing in a cave now, a few lights dotted along the walls in order for people to actually see where they were going.

"Lets go over the rules, shall we?" the Master started, moving to the side of the cave to allow other people to pass by.

"Rules?" Ryan questioned.

The Master ignored him, "First things first. Do not go around kissing random aliens. Some of these people are poisonous to humans..." he paused, "You know what? Kiss who you want. Forget that rule. Official rule number one! Do not buy anything black market. You don't know what you're doing and what you're buying. Which brings us on to rule two. Only buy drinks you know the name of. Anything else is most likely from a different planet. I can barely deal with you lot having one head. I can't even begin to imagine what it would be like if you grew another."

"Ask me if you want to try anything else. I will let you know if it's safe for humans," the Doctor added.

"Rule three. Do not talk to me after I've had a drink. Because I will kill you," he promised.

"He won't," the Doctor rolled her eyes.

"What is this place?" Yaz wondered.

"It's like a club-"

"It is not a club, Doctor!" the Master corrected, "There is music, dance floors, bars. But it is much more than a club. Each room has a specific purpose. So don't go drinking in a 'no drinking' room. Because you will be imprisoned. Don't go in the pool, either. That's rule number four."

Ryan questioned, "What? Is it like poisonous or somethin'?"

"No. I just don't want you to get the TARDIS wet," he groaned, "The Doctor would make me clean it up."

The Doctor nudged the Master's side, "That's enough," she looked at her fam, "Just have fun. But yeah. Don't drink anything you don't know about. Earth drinks are one hundred percent safe. If we get split up, don't worry about it. The devices I gave you can track entities with two hearts. So... Us two."

The five of them began to head to the entrance, flashing neon lights illuminated the space in the distance.

"Oh, there's also a black hole! Try not to fall in it!" the Master smirked as the music grew louder.

"Black hole!?" the three humans exclaimed.

"Perfectly safe," the Doctor assured them.

-x-

The team had indeed gotten split up. The two Time Lords expected this to happen. It had barely been ten minutes before they had gone their own ways.

The room was wide and filled with people. The ceiling was high and in the centre of the dance floor was a huge black hole. It was in a giant stasis field in order to stop it from activating.

The Master often wondered what sort of maniac would build this place around a black hole. He was so tempted to steal the Doctor's sonic and go and deactivate the field. His patience was wearing thin as he sat at on the bar stool, sipping away at some random drink from the planet Raxacoricofallapatorius. It was a light green colour and it bubbled slightly from the high temperature it possessed.

It was disgusting.

He hated it.

But the Doctor enjoyed it, so he decided to give it a chance.

Speaking of the Doctor... She had been gone for quite some time. She said that she saw an old friend of hers and wanted to go and talk with them.

He allowed the burning sensation of the drink to pass through his mouth once more before closing his eyes. The music was quickly drowned at.

'You get lost?'

'Sorry, sorry!' she apologised, 'Got a bit carried away. I'm heading over to you now. Buy me a drink?'

'Always so needy,' his eyes snapped open and then proceeded to order for the Doctor. His fingers tapped on the bar in a familiar four beat tune as he waited for her. Honestly, he would much rather listen to the infuriating drums in his head than the Earth music that surrounded him - echoing off the walls.

He knew something was off as soon as they landed on this planet... He'd assumed that the Doctor had felt it too... But she hadn't. The air was still calm. But not as calm as it usually is. There was an unwanted tension that had surrounded him the entire time. The Doctor already had enough on her shoulders and he didn't to worry her anymore.

Something was here that wasn't supposed to be.

He soon forgot about the threat as one of the beats from the drums in his head was louder, this caught him off guard. The loud bang acted as a warning. He turned on his stool to what had caused his head to ache.

The Master's hand quickly tightened around his glass, unamused at the sight. His blood boiled, his hearts beat fast.

Some lowlife human from an Earth colony from the year - Oh, the Master didn't care about him! He could tell by the way the human leaned in close that he was flirting with the Doctor.

The man had taken the Doctor's hand and kissed the back of it. The Master quickly downed the rest of his drink before turning to slam the glass down onto the bar. He quickly looked back at the man and the Doctor again, his fists clenched as he watched.

Nobody touched his Doctor.

He could sense that the Doctor was uncomfortable, but she was too nice to tell him to go away.

The Master jumped off the bar stool and immediately stormed over to the pair. He quickly grabbed the Doctor's free hand and pulled her to his side. Before the Doctor could protest, his lips found hers in a heated kiss. His arms wrapped around the woman's waist protectively.

He pulled back to look down at a stunned Doctor, his eyes drifted over to the human, "You're lucky I'm not in a killing mood today," he growled, just loud enough for him to hear.

"Master..." the Doctor whispered, recovering from the kiss. Her voice bounced around his head, soothing the drumming.

He hushed her, "Shhh... I won't hurt him. As long as he leaves. Right. Now," he said, the human understood the threat.

The man grumbled to himself before heading off into the nearby crowd.

The two Time Lords stayed close, the Master's arms were still secure around the Doctor. Her arms had found their way around his neck.

'You don't need to be jealous, Koschei...' her thoughts invaded his, the drums now completely blocked out.

Her head rested on his chest as he responded, 'I'm never jealous.'

'Lies.'

The Doctor had only consumed a couple drinks since arriving. She started to sway them to the music. It was one of Earth's many slow songs from the year 2025.

'I don't dance,' the Master informed her, he wouldn't admit that he enjoyed this intimacy with her.

'Again. Lies. Your last two regenerations had a knack for it," she moved her head away so she could look into her eyes.

She felt her hearts skip a beat. The look in his eyes. Sure there was a certain emptiness to them. But she could see it. Clearly. There was a flicker of love behind all that darkness. She hadn't seen that look in his eyes in so long.

'My last two regenerations were idiots.'

'Cute idiots.'

The Master leaned in to press a soft kiss to her lips, hoping it would silence her.

'I can still talk in your head, you know?' she mentioned.

'Shut up, Theta.'

The Doctor stayed quiet in his head. The music was still drowned out due to their current connection. She felt like they were the only two people in the room.

The Master let his walls down. He couldn't help it. He tried to stop his darkness from washing over her, but he felt so free at this moment.

The darkness hit her hard, causing their connection to falter slightly. The Master gave her a reassuring squeeze before pulling her closer.

Her head was filled with the sights of Gallifrey burning once more. She pulled away in shock.

'You still think about it?'

Sadness. She didn't expect to see that emotion within his eyes.

'Yes,' he nodded, pulling her into a hug. The soothing double heartbeat settled the Doctor's mind.

He got annoyed at himself quickly. Annoyed that he actually felt guilty for what he did. He couldn't have just killed a couple Time Lords? No. He had to go and destroy the entire damn planet.

She hadn't forgiven him. She knew she would one day. That day was far into the future.

'Koschei... I know a small part of you regrets what you have done. I understand that. Just know that I won't leave you behind. I will help you get better.'

He decided not to respond. He remained silent for the next few minutes, just holding her. Hoping it was enough.

Their connection soon broke completely as a loud explosion invaded their ears. People started to scream and shout, the music died down and then everybody began to run for the exit.

"Aha!" the Master exclaimed, grabbing her hand, "Finally! I was wondering when the danger would make its appearance!" he sounded like an excited child opening his Christmas presents.

"Y-You knew this was going to happen!?" she asked in annoyance as they made their way to the side of the room, clear from the huge crowd.

"Doctor, Doctor, Doctor..." he started, "Is it even an adventure with you if there is no threatening monster?"

She couldn't deny that.

The Doctor convinced the Master that they needed to go and find the gang.

Their fingers remained intertwined as they began to head towards the source of the explosion.

"We do this together, okay?" the Doctor asked.

He nodded down at her, "Together."

-x-

THANKS FOR READING. YOU ARE ALL AMAZING.

Spoilers: Chapter 4 - The Master saves the Doctor's 'fam'

[mittensmorgul]

MoC anon again, hi! (also, eek, sorry about those two hours you lost) i think sam’s history with anger issues is actually kinda WHY he would handle it better, because he’s been practicing controlling it his whole life. (and i think he’s a lot better at it in s11 than he was in s5, ya know?) whereas, like you said, dean builds walls to keep the bad OUT, but he tends to act on emotion a lot more than sam, and his emotions are more explosive, and a lot less regulated. 1/2

(and while dean works very hard to hide his softer emotions, he’s never been particularly bothered with showing his anger.) i just can’t picture sam losing control the same way dean did. not saying that he wouldn’t lose control at all, of course, it’s gonna be messy either way, and obviously sam is not a paragon of mental health, but he has experience controlling the “darkness” inside him in a way dean never did 2/2

Hi there! and yeah, I’m doubly sorry now that my original post was eaten because I did cover this, as well. I think you and I read Sam and Dean very, very differently. I don’t think Sam HAS had a lot of practice controlling his anger, is the thing. 

Yeah, Dean has exploded in frustration and anger, but so has Sam. Because Sam kind of runs on anger (or he did, especially in earlier seasons), it feels to me like adding the mark to that would’ve been throwing gasoline on a fire. And once we saw how Amara operates, we know she used the same sort of lure on Dean that Ruby had used on Sam. Similar to Lucifer whispering to him from the cage in early s11.  Retroactively, I guess I’ve applied that same sort of enticement to how the Mark called out to Dean in s9 and s10.

Because it also didn’t come down to “control” in those moments where Dean “snapped” into murderousness. It didn’t seem to have anything to do with rage at all. He “woke up” from those acts (like the first time he held the first blade in 9.16, when he killed Abaddon in 9.21, when he killed the shapeshifter in 10.06, when he killed the group of men who’d literally had him at gunpoint and were trying to kill him in 10.10, for example), It was never framed as “Dean gives into the rage,” or “Dean fails to control his anger.” It was always framed as him being compltely taken over and basically controlled by an outside force. When Dean would fight his way back to the surface after those incidents, he was shaken and afraid by what he’d done.

Like Dean when he was struggling with Amara’s control of him in s11, we saw how insidious her influence was in his presence, but take that same capacity to influence someone and literally insert it directly into their brain. That’s the Mark. But when Dean confessed this to Sam in 11.13:

Dean: Honestly? You seriously think the sister of God is my deepest darkest desire?Sam: She isn’t?Dean: No! She can’t be!Sam: Why not?Dean: Why? Because if she is that means that I’m…Sam: Means you’re what? Complicit? Weak? Evil?Dean: For starters, yeahSam: Dean. Do you honestly think you ever had a choice in the matter? She’s the sister of God, and for some reason she picked you and that sucks, but if you think I’m gonna blame you or judge you…I’m not.Dean: You know that I want her ass deadSam: Yes. Of course. And I know you’ve also probably beaten yourself up a hundred times over it, but where has that gotten us? (Long silence) Just how bad is it?Dean: Standing here right now, every bone in my body wants to run her through. Send her back to that hole she crawled out of. But when I’m near her, I don’t know. Something happens and I can’t explain it, but to call it desire or love…it’s not that. I’m screwed man. We wanna kill the darkness. We need to kill the darkness. And I don’t think I can. I’m sorry to do that to you, ya know, but when it comes right down to it…

He’d still been working through this when he talked to Cas(ifer) about this in 11.11, but he was working his way to this exact point. It had very little to do with anger.

Sure, anger was effectively Amara’s baseline motivation for revenge against Chuck, and her tool to do that was effectively “destroy what Chuck created,” which is an effective way to act out anger, you know? But I think that anger would’ve found a far more fertile breeding ground in Sam than it did in Dean.

I mean, just think back over the last few years to the outbursts that look like anger on the surface for Dean, and honestly, they have ZERO to do with RAGE. They’re frustration, grief, defeat… like punching the sign in 13.01, like yelling about how he should’ve stayed behind in the AU if they had no way to get back there and save Mary and Jack in 13.18. The only time I felt like one of Dean’s outbursts could be described as “angry” rather than “frustrated” or “grieving” or “defeated” was in 13.03 when he yelled in Sam’s face about Cas. And there was still that well of grief there pushing him to that outburst.

Honestly, I think a fairer comparison to how they each would’ve dealt with the Mark isn’t tapping in to their emotions, but how well they compartmentalize in the face of possession. For example how long Dean casually managed to keep Michael locked in his brain fridge in s14. Michael only escaped because Dean was literally knocked unconscious. This notion that Dean lacks control of his own temper I think just seems far more pronounced in him because it’s so rare for him. It’s… not rare for Sam.

Like I said in the previous post, Sam’s rage was a major plot point for years. It fueled s4, it fueled s5, it fueled Sam’s half of the s9 and s10 story.

I think the main difference between Sam’s anger and Dean’s anger is that Sam’s tends to simmer cold, while Dean’s just boils over with heat on rare occasions, making them seem that much more out-of-character, or startling.

I don’t see it as Sam better able to control his rage than Dean, I see it as different ways of expressing said anger, because they are different people with different personalities, you know?

Sam’s just as capable of lashing out in anger as Dean, but it tends to look different when it happens. Dean just lets himself have his little outbursts before he gets to the point where he breaks from it. Sam… when Sam bursts like that, it feels more shocking, because he typically expresses his anger differently. Like when Sam punched Dean in 14.12, for example, people were SHOCKED. I read so many “wow that was out of character” posts I was honestly baffled by the fandom’s reaction to this. Because that punch was pure frustration and grief, and it’s just about the most emotion Sam’s let himself express in a long time.

I know I keep defaulting to talking about s4 and s5 here, but I’m watching 5.02 in the background while I’m typing this, so these seasons are what’s currently freshest in my mind right now. 

The wraith in 5.10:

SAM: You did this to me!WRAITH: Well, I helped. But that rage? No, no, no. That’s all you. (stands, walks to the side of the bed) I don’t make crazy. I just crank up what’s already there.

The show has always, always paralleled Sam’s rage with Dean’s fear. The thing is, how they each express these underlying feelings. So, no, I really, really don’t think Sam would be better at controlling that rage under the effect of the Mark than Dean was.

and this entire post is just undercaffeinated rambling at this point, so I really don’t know what more I can say without going incident by incident through the entire series documenting the vastly different nature of Sam and Dean’s anger, and their respective outbursts. Their anger just… manifests differently, because again, they are different people with differing personalities. Sam’s anger tends to come out “cold,” and Dean’s tends to boil over more loudly. And Amara/the Mark was nothing if not cold and patient rage, you know?

Sam has traditionally gotten angry and run away, as if isolating himself from the problem could fix things. In the past, he would’ve sooner walled off the vast majority of his life to pretend at being normal that he would face it. I don’t know if I’d classify that as “having more control” of his anger. He’s just got different outlets in general than Dean does. Dean just yells, gets it out of his system, and then moves on. Sam… can’t seem to do that. Or at least he hadn’t been able to do that for the vast majority of canon.

Someone wrote an excellent piece years ago about Sam’s Rage vs Dean’s Fear, and I guess it’s stuck with me. But when a character’s primary motivation, his primary driving force through years of character development is a baseline simmering rage, I have a REALLY hard time feeling like he would’ve had more “control” over a possessing entity that literally fed on that sort of feeling.

Amara found BALANCE through her relationship with Dean. I don’t think she could’ve found that with Sam. I think that entire storyline only worked because it was Dean, and not Sam. Because Dean recognized this as something being done TO him, rather than just a manifestation of himself. (Yes, at first he thought it was a curse, and that it was his own inner “monstrousness” coming out, but it ALWAYS felt foreign to him, something he couldn’t truly identify or relate to, because it was literally not his own. And Sam would’ve had a lot more difficulty making that distinction, I think.)

As I’ve typed this up, I do realize that viewers see different things in each of these characters. We identify with them differently, based on our own experiences, and since I mostly identify with and feel like I understand Dean better than Sam, I think I’m probably looking at this from a different angle than you are. I, for example, see Sam REPEATEDLY losing his shit to his rage throughout the entire series. He gives in to it far more readily than Dean has over the years, but it tends to be less “explosive” as you said. But it motivates his entire character in ways it never, ever has for Dean. And I think Amara/the Mark would’ve eaten him alive because of it. Because she was the Mark, and she was motivated by the same cold, simmering rage.

[inviouswriting]

Prim-AU - Thoughts

I am enjoying writing this AU. This has two parts. I’ll post the second part on it’s own as it is more smut filled and will stand alone.

Starts out sweet but the last half is what I write best. This one has some mild spots but nothing compared to what I am writing in continuation.

Kiya was getting stir crazy being on bedrest. She would thrash her tail when she was alone, and in Aymeric’s presence. The knight only gave her a weary smile before he had to go back to his office. Assuring her he would return throughout the day.

The fire in her had returned fierce, and Whitecape saw it as a good sign. She would be able to go home with Aymeric at the end of the day. She knows he is ecstatic to be able to have his beloved in their bed again. Kiya had put on the right amount of weight to be able to leave. 

Kiya itched to adventure, but she will keep her promise to Aymeric, not to adventure for three years. Probably to rediscover their relationship more intimately. Aymeric holds onto her black mage soul crystal till he knows she can handle the responsibility again. At her request. Aymeric keeps it in his desk.

The aftermath of her return. There were many scared of her, but familiar faces and those that knew her, knew well that Kiya was no threat. Though now she is stepping down from her role as warrior of light with Divinity around.

Perhaps she should look at it as a blessing, given rest from everyones responsibilities. Till she can take on those roles again. 

Kiya’s attention is drawn out at the sound of the doors to the infirmary opening. In walks Divinity, dressed more casual. The healer staff leaned up against the wall close to the door.

Kiya finally gets a better look at the woman. An elezen, stark white hair with almost a blue tint to it. Soft blue almost white eyes. A gentle face almost as gentle as Aymeric’s when she smiles at her.

“Hey, how are you feeling?” Divinity takes a seat next to the black mage. Kiya gives a simpered smile and looks at her hands. Aymeric had her dressed in soft clothes.

“Going mad. I can see why Estinien ran off..” She murmurs under her breath. She couldn’t leave anyway, let alone cast a spell. 

“Estinien. Seems to do his own thing.” Divinity had only seen the dragoon scarce, she had bumped into him on the way here. 

“Anyway, what brings you here?” Kiya changes subject. Estinien along with Aymeric gave her such a scolding, Kiya can still feel her ears against her head.

“Checking in, figuring you might want to see a friend, since the only company seems to be medical and your husband. A refreshing face in a woman.” Divinity earns a smile.

“Appreciated.” Kiya’s expression changes.

“Why did you save me though?” Kiya knows the honor bound code of the Scions.

“Because you did not summon the primal. That entity did. You were a catalyst. I couldn’t bring myself to kill you in a manner that was unnecessary. I could not stand to see your beloved so heartbroken either.” Divinity explains, Kiya lowers her gaze to her lap. Hearing how Aymeric was beside himself drew pangs of guilt into her heart.

“Thank you...” Kiya trails off, she feels that overwhelming kindness, when she looks at Divinity, the elezen woman is gentle in her presence.

“You remind me of my leader.” Divinity muses aloud.

“What?” Kiya locks eyes.

“Oh, my leader. I’ll tell you some stories. To ease your mind. You see. I am not from this world initially. I came here from another realm entirely. My home was anything but kind.” Divinity sees the shock from Kiya, and continues.

“My life only knew relentless persecution. Many people were burned at a stake for practicing medicine. I eventually was dragged and tied to the pyre. But I had made a friend, and she stayed with me to the end.” Divnity smiles wistfully.

“I had spent my years in the afterlife blind, and as a healer then. Healing lost souls brought to me by her. My leader, was the opposite of you. She her lover was used as a catalyst for a spell. Only he had died... I did not want to see the same thing happen here. You being eternally lost to the one who loves you unconditionally.” Divinity sees Kiya smile warm. She also gets an idea.

“Can you stand and walk around?” Divinity asks. Kiya nods, she has been able to walk and sort.

“Come with me! There is something you need to see.” Divinity promptly drags the miqo’te out of her bed confinement. Kiya adjusts the robes around her, and under Divinity’s help, they make for the door that Kiya is all too familiar in with Aymeric’s office. It was left wide open. He keeps the doors open in case there is updates or news of his wife. Divinity has Kiya peer quietly around the corner of the door.

Aymeric has his head resting against his hand as he signed papers, or wrote them. He had on his desk Kiya’s soul crystal, and his eyes would drift to it from time to time.

Kiya sees how soft Aymeric’s gaze is on a piece of her. She also notes how worn out he looked. Even wondering if he has slept at home at all.

“He only goes home from what I gathered, to bathe and change clothes. He spends his waking hours here. He will sometimes smile to himself, or he will sit there and pray for you.” Divinity’s voice is quiet as she speaks to Kiya, not raising her voice enough to be detected by him.

Kiya feels a sense of love in her heart, seeing the way her beloved has truly stayed by her side. She knows he doesn’t go home at night, he spends them with her. 

Divinity sees the way Kiya stares at Aymeric, and slips back as Kiya crosses the path of the door. Aymeric looks up from his papers seeing his beloved in the doorway.

“Kiya? What are you doing up, My love?” Aymeric gets up and goes to her, his arms wrapping around her. Kiya presses her face into his torso. 

“I wanted to see you.” Kiya feels his fingers thread through her hair. Kiya nuzzles her face into his abdomen where she reaches. 

“You should be in bed still, but if you wanted to see me. I could have come to you.” He then remembers Saulette was taking the day from the Congregation watch. He tilts Kiya’s head back to look her in the eyes.  Thumbing away a stray tear.

Kiya looks up more into his eyes, and sees how he is looking at her. That prideful full love stare he always holds for her. Endearing, and soft at the edges of his eyes. The full blue, dark hair that frames his face, the odd tufts. The soft smile that curls at the edges of his lips. 

Kiya reaches her arms up, and Aymeric lowers himself down so she can wrap her arms at his neck. He stands with her, arms winding around her waist to hold her up. He feels her strength returned much to his liking. Kiya without hesitation or prompting, kisses him full. She doesn’t miss the surprise in his eyes, nor does he miss the soft in her green eyes.

Aymeric returns her kiss, full and deep. Wondering what came over his love to seek his affection first. Kiya pulls back from the kiss, and looks him in his eyes. Aymeric sees how her emerald green hues smolder at him, a look he is all too familiar with.

“Love me? Here?” Kiya requests, and Aymeric’s hands on her tighten a bit more. He sets her down seating her on his desk and goes to close the doors of his office. Locking them before he returns to her. She is a much relieved distraction from his reports.

Divinity had seen more than enough, and quietly walks off, she sees Whitecape wondering where Kiya went and informs him that Kiya is with Aymeric. The man sighs relief and knows his patient is in good hands. 

Divinity retrieves her staff from the room, and makes to go on her adventure. She takes a look at one of the mirrors and can see a different face in it. One smiling at her and nodding.

“I had a feeling you were behind sparing her.” Divinity sees Kivera for the first time since she began her adventures in Eorzea.

“All I did was pardon her name. You did the real work. You learned from me, how a disaster doesn’t need to end in death. At least for you, it worked in your favor.” Kivera smiles solemnly.

Divinity knows all too well.

“Can you continue to watch over them? Make sure she is protected?” Divinity requests.

“Only because you ask me.”

“I’ll send you more of those Ishgardian tarts you like.”

“Deal.”

In Ayemrics office, Kiya feels nothing but absolute bliss with how he loves her on top of his desk. Papers scattered off, and Aymeric being tender with her. Kiya is wrapped well in his embrace, and Aymeric takes hold of her till she is a mess of emotions.

Aymeric had placed Kiya’s ring back onto her hand, and felt complete with his beloved under him again. Each adoration spilled from his lips. Their hands locked together and all Kiya can focus on, is how much she needed him. Aymeric must have felt her need with how hard she is clinging to him. Her limbs tangled with his to get closer. 

Kiya in the middle of everything she does, reaches into Aymeric’s perfect hair and fully messes it up. Aymeric eyes her and even slows his movements seeing her do something entirely different. He only smiles, and does the same to her. His hands threading and ruffling her hair till it matches with how full blown messed she makes his hair. 

Aymeric looks down at her through the messy bangs, and sees a look of triumph on Kiya’s face. He leans down and kisses her while tugging her more to him. Kiya feels more frustration in how perfect he looks, messed hair, lovely smoldering blue eyes mirroring her own heat as they’re connected intimately.

They look at each other, and Kiya starts laughing at how he looks with his hair sticking in different directions. Aymeric wonders how much she messed him up, he shakes his head and resumes his movements with her. 

When they both have had enough and felt each other peak. Kiya is sitting in Aymeric’s lap, legs strewn against his sides while he had them both on his chair. His hands petting her head and back. Kiya’s face pressed to his chest, and panting from the high she was brought to.��

“Feeling better?” He asks, tugging Kiya back to look him in the eyes.

“Much better. I feel complete almost.” Kiya sighs a little heavier. Aymeric lifts her hips enough to pull from her. Adjusting himself more comfortably with her on his lap, Kiya had stripped him of his clothes and they both bask in the afterglow.

“We should get dressed. As much as I want you naked every second of the day. We’re still in my office.” Aymeric coaxes her to put her robe back on, she just shrugs it off of herself earning him staring at her.

Kiya looks at him, and frowns a little at being made to wear clothes.

“A little longer like this? Please?” Kiya pleads, she was enjoying the skin to skin contact.

“Hmm... just a little longer.” He was easily persuaded. His hands roam her skin feeling how soft she has been getting again. She feels right in his arms. 

“I should put more of that oil on your skin later.” He comments idly, Kiya pulls back a little to sit on his lap better. Aymeric glances down her front, and steels himself from wanting to take her again. He leans down to where her robe was tossed and starts to tug it around his beloved.

“Aymeric?” She draws his attention to her. He starts to tug on his own robes, the blue cloth shirt underneath till the collar fit against his neck just right. Aymeric places Kiya on his desk, while he dresses himself. Kiya fits the robe on her properly. Her thighs felt a little sore, from him. When Kiya got down from the desk, her legs almost give out on her. 

Aymeric sees this and catches her, collecting her into his arms.

“I think you are having a little bit of a hard time standing.” He is amused.

“I think someone is responsible for that.” Kiya catches on, and earns him grinning at how much trouble she seems to be having staying upright. 

“We should get you back to bed. I think by now Whitecape should be looking for you.  We would not want for your stay in the infirmary extended because you wanted me.” Aymeric sees the fear on her face at the possibility of staying another night.

“I want to go home!” Kiya is met with a kiss a teasing one. He does it on purpose to remind her what awaits her at the end of the day. Aymeric lifts her and brings her back to the infirmary.

Whitecape was waiting for his patient to be returned to him. He shakes his head at the dishelved appearances of the two.

“I see she felt adventurous. Why not take her home earlier?” He grants permission, looking over Kiya once more till he was satisfied.

“I’d love to take her home.” Kiya is tugged back into Aymeric’s arms.

“Then get her home, but make sure she eats enough. She’s still a bit thin. I do think she aught to be able to get further care from you at home.” Whitecape explains, and Aymeric nods.

Kiya is carried to the bed and rested down. She looks over to Aymeric.

“Pray, allow me to clear the rest of my afternoon?” She nods and lets Aymeric go take care of things. Kiya waits, feeling relieved in how she feels. She doesn’t wait long for him, and Aymeric collects her into his arms and with her he takes her back home.

Kiya thinks to herself how lucky and blessed she truly is. While staring up at him as he walks with her in his arms out of the Congregation.

[alrangerz]

Hearts and Hatchets

Meg didn't know how, or when, it started, she just knew it had become her favorite pastime. Sitting in the middle of the Red Forest, against Anna’s chest as the Russian woman braided her fiery orange locks with gentle hands. If not that, then they were in Anna’s cabin exchanging sweet nothings and words of passion throughout the evening, until dawn. Of course only after Meg managed to get her to shower and wash all the blood and dirt off.

One day, everything changed.

Saving Meg for last during the latest trial was not an option for Anna, opting to seek the athlete out before injuring the other survivors. When she found the younger woman behind a few trees, she removed her mask and dropped her axe. Meg’s heart raced as she stared into forest green irises.

There was a small glint in them.

She saw fear, but couldn't think of anything that could possibly scare the huntress.

“Marry me,” was all the taller woman said as she began taking off the ring on her left hand. Meg’s eyes widened as she repeatedly looked between Anna’s face and the killer’s hand. This isn't what she expected when entering her first trial of the day.

"Anna, I...I can’t…”

This response, Meg noticed, caused Anna to stand up straighter, a deep frown adorning her face as she lowered her hand slowly. Her eyes reverted back to the pits of smokey darkness that the Entity bound upon a few of the killers. She slipped the ring back onto her finger and picked up her axe and mask without a word. The survivor had never seen her like this.

The older woman turned her back to the athlete and looked over her shoulder. “I love you more than anything, Meg. I endure hours of endless torture from the Entity because of your lack of deaths in my trials. I hope you know what your response makes us now. I will no longer show any mercy to you and your friends.” With those last words, Anna dug her axe deep into the ground, raising her hands to the sky.

“Oh, Entity, my Entity. Take me from this land for this trial shall end abruptly at my command.”

Before Meg could even reach out, Anna was gone, her axe with her. The land morphed into nothing; darkness surrounded the survivors before they were standing near the campfire once more. Laurie noticed Meg’s frozen form first before everyone else did. She also noticed the single tear that rolled down the girl’s face.

“Thomas,” she called out. She tried again, huffing when Meg finally looked at her. The blonde gave her teammate a soft look and gestured for her to follow on a walk. Luckily, none of the others questioned the situation.

The two women walked for a few minutes before Laurie stopped in front of Meg. It was a sign that she needed to start talking, or crying.

“She asked me to marry her.”

Laurie’s face took on a shocked expression at the news, good news in her opinion, and pulled Meg into a hug. She shushed her quietly as she gently rubbed the younger girl’s back, letting her sob as much as she needed.

“I thought you'd be happy to be Anna’s wife,” Laurie started when Meg pulled away and wiped her face with her shirt. She shook her head and pressed a hand to her face, another wave of tears streaming down her cheeks just at the thought. Her father had left her and her mother when Meg was a baby. She only knew half of the love her peers received and it all vanished when her mother died.

When she was thrust into the Entity's hands, she wanted her life to end until Claudette became her first friend alongside Nea, who eventually became her girlfriend. Laurie was introduced a little while after Nea, and many of the survivors tried to avoid her after their first trial with Michael.

Meg thought Laurie was pretty badass and quickly became her friend. Nea started getting jealous when Meg chose to go complete trials with Laurie, causing them to take a small break in their relationship. One week turned into two, then three. Meg finally gathered the courage to ask Nea what they were. She never got a clear answer, but things seemed to wind down for them.

The moment Anna appeared in the trials, Meg felt her world crumbling. Her interest in Nea began drifting to the Russian woman. Nea eventually picked up on this and confronted Meg about it. They argued for days until Meg told her it was enough. Everything turned out alright due to Nea confessing she liked Feng Min. They're still friends to this day.

Now, here sat Meg crying her feelings out while her best friend patiently stood by.

“Did you know that the Entity tortures them if they don't get enough sacrifices?”

Laurie furrowed her brow and pursed her lips at the statement. Michael had mentioned something of the sort to her, but she didn't think it was because of performance.

“Anna said she goes through it because...because she loves me...How can I accept a proposal after hearing that? If I became her wife...she...she wouldn't even push me. She doesn't do it now…”

Meg began rambling about the endless possibilities that could occur if she said yes to the killer. Laurie sighed and pressed her hands to either side of Meg’s face and squished her cheeks.

“Meg, stop. I’m sure you two will find a way around this. You guys have been together too long to not. Now, get some rest. I will speak with the others about something and then I’ll update you, okay?”

The redheaded girl nodded weakly and hugged Laurie one more time before she walked back to the camp, retreating to the tent she shared with Dwight and Claudette.

Laurie rubbed her face and returned to the others, gesturing for them to form a circle around the campfire. They all stayed quiet and prepared to listen to what the blonde had to say.

“We all know Meg is dating The Huntress, right?” Everyone nodded, allowing Laurie to continue on. “Well, said killer proposed to her today, but it didn't go too well. I've talked to Meg and she's decided to speak with Anna in their next trial. I have an idea and I need two of you. If her talk tomorrow goes as planned, whoever is with us the next trial...we will discuss the plan then.”

The other survivors nodded amongst themselves and gave Laurie pleasant looks. She mentally praised herself and sent everyone away to rest up.

Meg tried her damnedest to fall asleep, but thoughts of Anna and the days events continued to nag at her until she sat up and slipped out of the tent to go for a walk. As she walked along their makeshift path through the woods, she hummed to herself quite a familiar tune. The words came through almost as easy as running.

I'm selfish

I want you all to myself

I swear

You don't need nobody else

I swear

I want you all to myself

Because I'm selfish, yea

I want you

All to myself

I swear

You don't need nobody else

I swear

I want you all to myself

The snapping of a twig pulled her out of her trance and whip her head into the sound's direction. She only saw half of a shadow and was tempted to scream until she felt a hand over her mouth and a strong arm around her waist. “No need to scream, bunny. I came here to speak with you. I can't stay too long, or the Entity will punish me.”

Meg didn’t say anything as she was lifted from the ground and sat on a nearby boulder. Anna stood directly in front of her, between Meg’s legs, and sighed softly. “I missed you, Meg. I haven’t taken you in weeks. Was it my sudden proposal? Dear, I assure you I meant no harm...I just wanted to prove how much I love you...That I would I endure anything if it meant being with you...”

The athlete frowned for a moment at Anna’s words. What did she mean by “weeks”? She could have sworn it was only hours ago in which the proposal had taken place. The confusion must have been visible on her face because Anna sighed and placed her hands on Meg’s thighs.

“The Entity makes time different for us both. Remember when I said he tortures us, feeding off of our hatred, anger, and agitation? He uses our weaknesses to frustrate us…My weakness is time…I don’t want to waste it…”

Meg was understanding it now. She was finally understanding why Anna wasted no time in proposing to her. Even though it seemed like hours ago for the teen, it was more than weeks for her girlfriend. The Entity was a cruel being, using them for its own amusement. She was tired of it, tired of finding her small amount of happiness in the one person she was supposed to fear. Maybe her and Anna’s relationship will be the gamechanger in the Entity’s eyes.

“Yes.”

Anna tilted her head at Meg's words.

“I will marry you. I love you too much to lose you now. I'm sure the Entity will understand if he sees that it won't affect his games.”

Silence.

It fell over them like a blanket, and Meg suddenly became worried that Anna wouldn't want to marry her.

“You have made me the happiest woman in this realm, Meg Thomas. Being your wife will be the highest honor endowed upon me.”

Meg laughed quietly and held her hand out for Anna to put the ring on her. It was just a silver band, but it meant so much more than that. It was a symbol of their love, their bond. It was the one thing that made the Entity shift the balance towards peace in its world.

It was a happy ending.

[firechiicken]

— ✧ GEMMA CHAN ??  no, that’s just JEAN ELAINE GREY, also known as N/A !!  she was previously married to SCOTT SUMMERS, though their marriage was DISSOLVED upon her death. i hear she’s EMPATHETIC & ALTRUISTIC but tends to be IDEALISTIC & HYPERSENSITIVE. she works as a PSYCHOLOGIST & PSYCHOLOGY PROFESSOR at paragon. redirect to her stats page HERE and her pinterest board HERE.

     they’re burning all the witches,                            even if you AREN’T one.

marvel girl. trigger warnings for talk of death throughout.

july 15th, 1965. annandale-on-hudson, new york. professor john grey and his wife, elaine, welcomed their fifth child and youngest daughter into this world. they name her jean. in her tiny hands are held a fifth of the grey family’s hopes and dreams for their future - and neither can deny the thought that little jeannie, with her tuft of flaming red hair, might just be the be all, end all.

for a very long time, she is just a GIRL, a child allowed to be a child. her red hair marks her as something different to the rest, but she doesn’t feel as if she IS - rather, how overwhelmingly normal she is. she’s smart, but not too smart. PRETTY, but so are the rest. she’s kind, and perhaps this is the most notable of her early traits - an intolerable sort of SOFTNESS, a hugeness to her heart that sometimes does more harm than good.

the littlest of the five, she finds herself running to catch up more often than not, with only roger ever slowing down for her. she and liam end up in the same grade, not for her testing out, but for him getting kept back. sara & julia tease her mercilessly, but when she ( accidentally ) ruins sara’s favorite top, the latter takes the blame, and sometimes, just sometimes, the former allows her tag along to the arcade. her siblings are her CLOSEST friends for a time, the people she spends every hour of every day with, who HAVE to tolerate her, no matter what - and then she met annie.

little annie richardson was similar to jean in a lot of ways, not just in the fact that ‘little’ was often tacked on to the start of her name. cute as a button, sharp as a tack. on the fateful november day that they met, liam was sick and home from school, and jean, miserable in his absence. she was sitting eating lunch alone, she can recall even now - and though she didn’t have to, annie, an otherwise unremarkable head of brown hair that sat a few rows behind her, in class, took it upon herself to join. that day marked the beginning of a lifetime. annie and jean became INSEPERABLE, not just at school - it turned out that she lived only a few doors down, and after their homework was done and their dinners ate, they’d spend HOURS riding their bikes and playing make believe. annie was always the princess, and jean the dashing PRINCE who saved her from the tower. when they played dolls, annie was the patient, and jean the DOCTOR. so on, so forth.

it was such a pity, then, and contrary to all of the stories that they had woven, when LITTLE ANNIE RICHARDSON was struck by a car outside of her own home. jean was only a few feet away, safe on the sidewalk a handful of seconds before tragedy - and though she was an innocent ten years old and didn’t QUITE understand the gravity of what was happening, jean knew, even then, she couldn’t just leave her. she rushed to her side and she rocked her back and forth and somewhere between the sobbing and the hoping and the praying that she could somehow help her friend, evolution leaped forwards. her mutations manifested YOUNG - and at the cost of taking her friends dying emotions unto herself and feeling every second, jean eased annie’s mind.

jean withdrew from the world - the voices in her head that didn’t belong to her too much - and there wasn’t a SINGLE therapist who could help her, after that. not the normal kind, anyway. john grey had a winning combination of connections and money to spare, but try as he and his wife might, they found no one who was able to reach their daughter through the haze of emotion that had come over her. her first experience of her powers was through DEATH. nothing good could come after that.

and then came charles xavier. he had yet to become the credible well of mutant knowledge that he would, in later life - but back then, he seemed to be jean’s only HOPE. she was twelve, by now, and a shell of who she had once been - and over coming months, with the knowledge that she was not alone and never had been, jean flourished. charles succeeded, at first, in teaching her a level of control over the powers that up until now had seemingly taken over her life, and what was more, he managed to put something of a mental block on the firerod of a memory that annie’s death was, for jean - allowing her move past that trauma, some, and begin again. she advanced so much, so fast, that he and moira mactaggart decided they could utilize her in the creation of CEREBRO ; calibrating it for use, and together, conducting field tests in search of fellow mutants. it was during this process that jean first made contact with the boy she would come to love - scott summers.

though cerebro had been a marked success, and jean appeared to have taken CONTROL, charles overwhelmed her telepathic abilities on an excursion to a shopping mall - the conflicting thoughts all becoming too much and causing her to lash out without meaning. set back miles by the incident, the professor decided to place a mental block on jean’s mind to stunt her telepathic abilities and keep them DORMANT until such a time as she was ready to control them - and after sending her home, briefly, to live a somewhat NORMAL life, convinced her parents when the time was right to allow her join the newly opened xavier’s school for gifted youngsters. she was SIXTEEN when she joined the first x-men team comprised of scott summers, warren worthington, hank mccoy and bobby drake, and the first girl to do so.

under the alias of MARVEL GIRL, and the tutelage of charles xavier,  jean began to use her telekinetic powers for good along with the rest of the team. they trained for months in the danger room beneath the mansion, preparing themselves for the inevitable - when professor x decided that they were ready to go out into the world and unveil their powers to it, fighting magneto and a whole host of other villains for the safety of humans. despite her loyalty to the professor, jean had her reservations when it came to such antics ; disagreeing, fundamentally, with the idea of children fighting a war. though she came to LOVE her teammates, each of them coming to fulfill a unique role in jean’s life - hank as big brother and closest confidant, bobby as her little brother and endearing annoyance, warren as her BEST friend and one time crush and scott as, well... even then, a beloved team leader and love interest - she HATED what they were being sent to do. though being able to use her gifts in such a practical way was a huge help in the continued lesson of control, and though she was made HAPPY by being able to help innocent bystanders, jean couldn’t entirely reconcile her differences in ideals - and when she graduated from xavier’s with the necessary high school diploma, chose to take a break from the team in order to attend metro college.

she wanted to be NORMAL, in a way - had been so, once, and sought it out again, actively - but it wasn’t until she was apart from it that jean realized how much she had really enjoyed the purpose that the x-men had given her. they were all older, now, and maybe it was that they weren’t children anymore that really swayed her to the idea of it ( or MAYBE, just maybe, it was missing the friends she had made ), but jean came to miss being a hero full time, and rejoined the team when her responsibilities allowed her take a break. on such missions, it became apparent to every onlooker that jean and scott held feelings for one another close - though neither was able to put them into words. scott feared hurting her, and jean wished he would make a move. it left them stuck, and the fact that she was only around for fleeting moments at a time didn’t help. eventually, she graduated from metro college and rejoined the team ; and though it had taken YEARS of mutual pining, scott and jean found their way to one another. 

satisfied with her progress at this time, charles released the barriers upon jean’s mind - allowing her to begin learning how to control her telepathy, and in addition to such, allowing her knowledge of certain secrets kept for the safety of the rest of the team. when the team believed him DEAD, jean was the one who knew the truth - and it pained her to keep it from the others for as long as she had to, and it was this in addition to a handful of failed missions that led to jean deciding, once again, to LEAVE the team - though her relationship with scott continued.

phoenix. trigger warnings for talk of murder & death throughout.

she wasn’t a member of the x-men when she died. she was caught in the wrong place at the wrong time - a visit to the new team ( she adored them ALL, not JUST because of association ) going wrong, resulting in them being kidnapped. brought to space by steven lang, the x-men defeated the villain as they always did and were forced to try and return home aboard a space shuttle in the middle of a solar radiation storm. the only one among them capable of learning how to fly simply by reading someone’s MIND, jean volunteered to pilot the craft even though the cockpit wasn’t shielded from radiation - allowing the others take refuge in safety as she battled the storm to get them home.

she began to succumb to the radiation.

and somewhere, the PHOENIX FORCE found her. sensing her limitless potential, the cosmic entity came to her aid - informing her that she was going to die, but that TOGETHER, it could help her attain her hearts desire. at that time, it was saving her friends. she merged with the phoenix force in the same instant as she died - the entity forming a clone of her from her consciousness and putting the real jean grey to rest in a cocoon at the bottom of jamaica bay, allowing her exist in stasis and heal from her injuries while it took her form and continued her LIFE’S WORK.

the phoenix took her place, and continued her relationship. it was IMPOSSIBLE tell the difference between her and the entity - because, for a long time, there wasn’t one. to call it a clone is to put it LOOSELY. at the moment of their merge, the phoenix and jean became one, and the force had formed a perfect replica of her, mind, body & soul. a part of her consciousness formed with the replica, the two becoming indistinguishable. 

she continued to aid the x-men and live her life, even going so far as to reveal to her parents that she was a mutant. however, after healing the m’kraan crystal and saving the UNIVERSE, her powers only seemed to GROW. while her teammates saw jean leap and bound beyond previous limitations, they didn’t see the PHOENIX at her heart.

dark phoenix. trigger warnings for talk of death & murder & suicide throughout.

in the following months, the phoenix, jean became jason wyngarde’s victim. awed by her POWER, he sought to corrupt her and turn her against the x-men through dreams and manipulation. blind to what was happening, jean fell underneath his spell and became the black queen of the hellfire club - capturing her FRIENDS along with emma frost and the inner circle, and causing them harm before scott’s ( temporary ) death snapped her from her trance.

HOWEVER, it was too late. the dark phoenix was born from manipulation and pain, and the shade of jean grey that had been masquerading for MONTHS as the true her underwent a final transformation.

she soared through the universe, and when she came to the star d’bari, she devoured it - a TRUE display of the immense power she now wielded and the strength of the phoenix force, though the action killed an entire solar system. BILLIONS of alien creatures, dead. the star fueled her power and the dark phoenix returned to cleanse the world - burn it to ash and START AGAIN - before being thwarted, temporarily, by the combined efforts of the x-men and CHARLES XAVIER. their joy was short lived, as the shi’ar empire teleported them all to space, and put jean grey on TRIAL for her actions.

the x-men chose to do battle with the imperial guard for jean’s fate, but as testament to her LOYALTY and love, the shade of jean grey witnessed all that was happening and made a conscious choice. embittered by all that she had done and unwilling to watch her friends get hurt or die for her, she committed suicide in the middle of the battle - sacrificing herself ONCE AGAIN for the good of her friends.

white phoenix of the crown. talk of death throughout.

green the good, red the bad, and white to which she had yet to discover the meaning to. the portion of jean’s consciousness that had merged with the phoenix a lifetime before awoke in a space between worlds and time and space called THE WHITE HOT ROOM in a version of the iconic costume. for the first time since she had merged with the cosmic entity, the real jean grey was awake and able to THINK - though before she could come to any conclusion on what it all meant, death came to her.

it was presented with a painful paradox. though jean grey had NOT eaten a star and destroyed a galaxy, she also, in a sense, had. her PENANCE for a wrongdoing that couldn’t be entirely pinned to her was to build towers that would house the victims of the dark phoenix, and over time, this version of death informed jean that while her merging with the phoenix force had seemed RANDOM, they would not have been able to become one if they were not meant to. she was the one true host, and it belonged to her by right. 

jean completed her penance, and her version of death instructed her to return to life. to learn. dominos in effect meant that the FANTASTIC FOUR had discovered her body - and true essence - in a cocoon beneath jamaica bay, and as they studied it back at base, jean grey AWOKE and emerged.

the first thing that jean learned was that in the time that she had been dead, the world had changed. scott had moved on - marrying a woman named madelyne pryor who looked exactly LIKE her, and having a son. the x-men had moved on, and she was stunned to discover them working alongside magneto. over the next few months, she was forced to balance readjusting to life with battling a HOST of demons and situations that made it near impossible. scott abandoned his family. it turned out that madelyne was a clone designed to turn EVIL upon rejection, and jean was forced to absorb her in battle. her sister, sara, a PRO MUTANT speaker, was killed by anti mutant extremists. rachel, a mysterious new member of the team that had arrived while she was gone was revealed to be her and scott’s daughter from another timeline. scott’s SON, nathan, was kidnapped along with jean’s niece and nephew and upon being saved contracted techno virus, forcing jean and scott to send him to the FUTURE so he might be safe. then they all met CABLE, an older version of nathan from the future. 

as you can see, it was all a lot. it was a wonder that given all that was happening that jean and scott even managed to reconcile - but over time, they did, and on the lawns of xavier’s, the two reunited members of the x-men MARRIED. for their honeymoon, their consciousness’ were sent forward in time in order to raise the young nathan summers ( cable ), allowing them time as a FAMILY before they returned, ready to continue as a husband and wife duo. 

however. though they spent MONTHS fighting the good fight alongside one another, and though they did a great deal of good in that time - jean and scott’s marriage began to suffer almost immediately. though they loved each other, dearly, they had been through TOO much to be happy, now. a distance formed between them that spanned too wide for them to heal, and scott seeking help from emma frost, who in turn fell in love with him, proved to be the last straw. she had only just discovered the psychic affair when the x-men were attacked, once more, and xorn attacked her with an overwhelming electromagnetic blast. it STOPPED her heart - killing her - but it also worked as way of awakening the phoenix force, once more, and in spite of all the wrong it had done, jean agreed to aid it in finding all of it’s pieces, scattered across the omniverse.

though briefly an incomplete version of the phoenix force, in line with the DARK version of itself, returned and wrecked havok - jean grey prevailed, reminded by the collective x-men of how MUCH she was loved and reached enough that she was able to take back control, and consciously return to the white hot room. given a goodbye with scott - who reminded her that no matter what the cosmos said, she was jean grey, always - and more content than she had ever been with the knowledge of how much her family meant to her, jean vowed, in spite of the fact that as white phoenix of the crown she could CONSCIOUSLY resurrect herself, not to return until such a time as the phoenix was stable.

time displaced. 

five years ago, a younger version of the jean grey this world knew was brought forward in time alongside younger versions of each of the original team for their own safety. the mental blocks placed on this jean’s mind dissolved upon appearance in the future meaning that she accessed her power a year earlier than she should have - and was privy to knowledge of her future that no child should have had. this version of jean wanted nothing more than to avoid the tragedy of her older counterparts existence. she spent the sum of her time, here, training herself in her own powers, and trying to find a way to absolve herself of the future - avoid the phoenix, avoid the PAIN. she returned to the past, eventually ; returning with no MEMORY of all she’d done, here. it was the price that had to be paid.

jean grey.

and then, she returned. the ORIGINAL jean grey, resurrected by the phoenix force, without memory of herself, or her life. for weeks she was trapped in a small bubble of existence in new mexico, and though she continued to be subtly manipulated, subconsciously, jean knew that the world she was living in was a farce - sending psychic flares for help out into the real world in form of projections of tragedies of the past. saved by her friends in due time, jean RENOUNCED the phoenix’s ways - choosing life over it. 

she has returned now, herself, and for the first time in a LIFETIME, jean gets to be who she has always wanted to be. she gets to LIVE, and for her, this means becoming a teacher and psychologist at paragon, working to do good. she cannot erase her past, but she can form her future ; and this time, jean intends to. 

SECTION TWO OF THREE: HEADCANONS

jean remains the world’s most iconic redhead ; though in my version, her hair color comes from her MUTATION. it was the earliest indication that her parents had their youngest daughter was going to be something more, though neither could have predicted by just how much. 

in a way, she chose never to have children. though she briefly entertained the idea of having RACHEL in this timeline, jean shudders to think about her children going through what she did with the phoenix force due to the blood that runs in their veins and nothing more. she always preferred NOT putting them through that - though she would be lying if, in addition to that, a part of the choice has been taken from her since all she’s ever really done is... die. for NOW, she’s content. she thinks of nathan ( cable ) and nate as her sons, she thinks of rachel as a daughter ( though she struggles a bit here, sometimes ). now that she is somewhat free and has this second chance at life, jean DOES consider her future, and children.... but she’s happy to see where life takes her.

she was dead for TWENTY FOUR years - bar a few brief appearances back on earth, both in search of phoenix fragments and in order to keep the phoenix in check. finally... the jean/scott/emma timeline makes sense. the phoenix brought her back in late 2017, and it was midway through 2018 that she finally began sending out her own PSYCHIC FLARES.

per the grey family massacre, jean is now the last of them - it’s very sad, so pour one out.

SECTION THREE OF THREE: WANTED CONNECTIONS

patients !! ppl she’s talking to routinely to help them thru their traumas !!

but specifically : a little group of ppl who have all died and come back ( doesn’t matter for how long. years like jean ?? months ?? weeks ?? an hour ?? ) and want to try and work through the trauma associated w that. jean can lead them all in a sort of ... group therapy thing. she’s died MULTIPLE times and come back so rly ... she’s a good option

friends !! and not just, like... canon friends. ppl who she’s friends w now

peoPLE WHO KNEW TIME DISPLACED HER !!! that’s a fun connect. gimme ppl who were like... genuinely friends w little jean and are now like ?? the fuc

anything you’ll give me, frankly

[parabcllums]

⌜   GEMMA CHAN, DEMIWOMAN, SHE / HER / THEY / THEM   |   things we lost in the fire by bastille, eclectic, the phoenix   ⌟    ⏤   blink and you’ll miss JEAN ELAINE GREY, the hero that goes by JEAN GREY / THE PHOENIX ! they’re a professor of PSYCHOLOGY at paragon academy & PSYCHOLOGIST in town, and i’ve always found them to be pretty EMPATHETIC & ALTRUISTIC, though i’ve heard that they can also be really IDEALISTIC & HYPERSENSITIVE. do you think they’ll give me an autograph? redirect to her stats page HERE and her pinterest board HERE.

    they’re BURNING all the WITCHES,                           even if you AREN’T one.

MARVEL GIRL. trigger warnings for talk of death throughout.

july 15th, 1975. annandale-on-hudson, new york. professor john grey and his wife, elaine, welcomed their fifth child and youngest daughter into this world. they name her JEAN. in her tiny hands are held a fifth of the grey family’s hopes and dreams for their future - and neither can deny the thought that little jeannie, with her tuft of flaming red hair, might just be the BE ALL, END ALL.

for a very long time, she is just a GIRL, a CHILD allowed to BE a child. her red hair marks her as something DIFFERENT to the rest, but she doesn’t feel as if she IS - rather, how overwhelmingly NORMAL she is. she’s smart, but not too smart. PRETTY, but so are the rest. she’s KIND, and perhaps this is the most notable of her early traits - an intolerable sort of SOFTNESS, a HUGENESS to her heart that sometimes does more HARM than good.

the littlest of the five, she finds herself running to catch up more often than not, with only ROGER ever slowing down for her. she and LIAM end up in the same grade, not for her testing out, but for him getting kept BACK. sara & julia tease her MERCILESSLY, but when she ( accidentally ) ruins sara’s favorite top, the latter takes the blame, and sometimes, JUST SOMETIMES, the former allows her tag along to the arcade. her siblings are her CLOSEST friends for a time, the people she spends every hour of every day with, who HAVE to tolerate her, no matter what - and then she met ANNIE.

little annie richardson was similar to jean in a lot of ways, not just in the fact that ‘little’ was often tacked on to the start of her name. cute as a button, sharp as a tack. on the fateful november day that they met, liam was sick and home from school, and jean, miserable in his absence. she was sitting eating lunch alone, she can recall even now - and though she didn’t HAVE to, annie, an otherwise unremarkable head of brown hair that sat a few rows behind her, in class, took it upon herself to JOIN. that day marked the beginning of a LIFETIME. annie and jean became INSEPERABLE, not JUST at school - it turned out that she lived only a few doors down, and after their homework was done and their dinners ate, they’d spend HOURS riding their bikes and playing make believe. annie was always the PRINCESS, and jean the dashing PRINCE who saved her from the tower. when they played dolls, annie was the PATIENT, and jean the DOCTOR. so on, so forth.

it was such a pity, then, and contrary to all of the stories that they had woven, when LITTLE ANNIE RICHARDSON was struck by a car outside of her own home. jean was only a few feet away, safe on the sidewalk a handful of SECONDS before tragedy - and though she was an INNOCENT ten years old and didn’t QUITE understand the gravity of what was happening, jean knew, even then, she couldn’t just LEAVE her. she rushed to her side and she rocked her back and forth and somewhere between the sobbing and the hoping and the praying that she could somehow help her friend, EVOLUTION LEAPED FORWARDS. her mutations manifested YOUNG - and at the cost of taking her friends dying emotions unto herself and feeling EVERY SECOND, jean eased annie’s mind.

jean withdrew from the world - the voices in her head that didn’t belong to her TOO MUCH - and there wasn’t a SINGLE therapist who could help her, after that. not the NORMAL kind, anyway. john grey had a winning combination of connections and money to spare, but try as he and his wife might, they found NO ONE who was able to reach their daughter through the haze of emotion that had come over her. her first experience of her powers was through DEATH. nothing GOOD could come after that.

and then came CHARLES XAVIER. he had yet to become the CREDIBLE well of mutant knowledge that he would, in later life - but back then, he seemed to be jean’s only HOPE. she was twelve, by now, and a shell of who she had once been - and over coming months, with the knowledge that she was not alone and never had been, jean FLOURISHED. charles succeeded, at first, in teaching her a level of control over the powers that up until now had seemingly taken over her life, and what was more, he managed to put something of a mental block on the firerod of a memory that annie’s death was, for jean - allowing her move past that trauma, some, and begin again. she advanced so much, so fast, that he and moira mactaggart decided they could utilize her in the creation of CEREBRO ; calibrating it for use, and together, conducting field tests in search of fellow mutants. it was during this process that jean first made contact with the boy she would come to love - SCOTT SUMMERS.

though cerebro had been a marked success, and jean appeared to have taken CONTROL, charles overwhelmed her telepathic abilities on an excursion to a shopping mall - the conflicting thoughts all becoming too much and causing her to lash out without meaning. set back MILES by the incident, the professor decided to place a mental block on jean’s mind to stunt her telepathic abilities and keep them DORMANT until such a time as she was READY to control them - and after sending her home, briefly, to live a somewhat NORMAL life, convinced her parents when the time was right to allow her join the newly opened XAVIER’S SCHOOL FOR GIFTED YOUNGSTERS. she was SIXTEEN when she joined the first x-men team comprised of scott summers, warren worthington, hank mccoy and bobby drake, and the FIRST GIRL to do so.

under the alias of MARVEL GIRL, and the tutelage of charles xavier,  jean began to use her telekinetic powers for GOOD along with the rest of the team. they trained for MONTHS in the danger room beneath the mansion, preparing themselves for the inevitable - when professor x decided that they were ready to go out into the world and unveil their powers to it, fighting MAGNETO and a whole host of other VILLAINS for the safety of humans. despite her loyalty to the professor, jean had her reservations when it came to such antics ; disagreeing, fundamentally, with the idea of children fighting a WAR. though she came to LOVE her teammates, each of them coming to fulfill a unique role in jean’s life - hank as big brother and closest confidant, bobby as her LITTLE brother and endearing annoyance, warren as her BEST friend and ONE TIME CRUSH and scott as, well… even THEN, a beloved team leader and love interest - she HATED what they were being sent to do. though being able to use her gifts in such a practical way was a huge help in the continued lesson of control, and though she was made HAPPY by being able to help innocent bystanders, jean couldn’t entirely reconcile her differences in ideals - and when she graduated from xavier’s with the necessary high school diploma, chose to take a break from the team in order to attend metro college.

she wanted to be NORMAL, in a way - had been so, once, and sought it out again, actively - but it wasn’t until she was APART from it that jean realized how much she had really enjoyed the PURPOSE that the x-men had given her. they were all older, now, and maybe it was that they weren’t children anymore that really swayed her to the idea of it ( or MAYBE, just MAYBE, it was missing the FRIENDS she had made ), but jean came to MISS being a hero full time, and rejoined the team when her responsibilities allowed her take a break. on such missions, it became apparent to every onlooker that jean and scott held feelings for one another close - though NEITHER was able to put them into words. scott feared hurting her, and jean wished he would make a MOVE. it left them stuck, and the fact that she was only around for fleeting moments at a time DIDN’T HELP. eventually, she graduated from metro college and rejoined the team ; and though it had taken YEARS of mutual pining, scott and jean found their way to one another.

satisfied with her progress at this time, charles released the barriers upon jean’s mind - allowing her to begin learning how to control her telepathy, and in addition to such, allowing her knowledge of certain secrets kept for the safety of the rest of the team. when the team believed him DEAD, jean was the one who knew the TRUTH - and it PAINED her to keep it from the others for as long as she had to, and it was this in addition to a handful of FAILED missions that led to jean deciding, once again, to LEAVE the team - though her relationship with scott continued.

PHOENIX. trigger warnings for talk of murder & death throughout.

she wasn’t a member of the x-men when she DIED. she was caught in the wrong place at the wrong time - a visit to the new team ( she ADORED them ALL, not JUST because of ASSOCIATION ) going wrong, resulting in them being KIDNAPPED. brought to space by steven lang, the x-men defeated the villain as they always did and were forced to try and return home aboard a space shuttle in the middle of a solar radiation storm. the only one among them capable of learning how to FLY simply by reading someone’s MIND, jean volunteered to pilot the craft even though the cockpit wasn’t shielded from radiation - allowing the others take refuge in safety as she battled the storm to get them home.

she began to succumb to the radiation.

and somewhere, the PHOENIX FORCE FOUND her. sensing her limitless potential, the cosmic entity came to her aid - informing her that she was going to die, but that TOGETHER, it could help her attain her HEARTS DESIRE. at that time, it was saving her FRIENDS. she merged with the phoenix force in the same instant as she DIED - the entity forming a clone of her from her consciousness and putting the real jean grey to rest in a cocoon at the bottom of jamaica bay, allowing her exist in stasis and heal from her injuries while it took her form and continued her LIFE’S WORK.

the phoenix took her place, and continued her relationship. it was IMPOSSIBLE tell the difference between her and the entity - because, for a long time, there WASN’T one. to call it a clone is to put it LOOSELY. at the moment of their merge, the phoenix and jean became ONE, and the force had formed a perfect replica of her, mind, body & soul. a part of her consciousness formed with the REPLICA, the two becoming indistinguishable.

she continued to aid the x-men and live her life, even going so far as to reveal to her parents that she was a MUTANT. however, after healing the m’kraan crystal and saving the UNIVERSE, her powers only seemed to GROW. while her teammates saw jean leap and bound beyond previous limitations, they DIDN’T see the PHOENIX at her heart.

DARK PHOENIX. trigger warnings for talk of death & murder & suicide throughout.

in the following months, the phoenix, JEAN became jason wyngarde’s victim. awed by her POWER, he sought to corrupt her and turn her against the x-men through dreams and manipulation. blind to what was happening, jean fell underneath his spell and became THE BLACK QUEEN OF THE HELLFIRE CLUB - capturing her FRIENDS along with EMMA FROST and the inner circle, and causing them HARM before scott’s ( temporary ) death snapped her from her trance.

HOWEVER, it was TOO LATE. the dark phoenix was born from MANIPULATION and PAIN, and the shade of jean grey that had been masquerading for MONTHS as the TRUE her underwent a final transformation.

she soared through the universe, and when she came to the star d’bari, she DEVOURED it - a TRUE display of the immense power she now wielded and the STRENGTH of the phoenix force, though the action KILLED an entire SOLAR SYSTEM. BILLIONS of alien creatures, DEAD. the star fueled her power and the dark phoenix returned to cleanse the world - burn it to ASH and START AGAIN - before being THWARTED, temporarily, by the combined efforts of the X-MEN and CHARLES XAVIER. their joy was short lived, as the shi’ar empire teleported them all to space, and put JEAN GREY on TRIAL for her actions.

the x-men chose to do battle with the IMPERIAL GUARD for jean’s fate, but as testament to her LOYALTY and love, the shade of JEAN GREY witnessed all that was happening and made a conscious CHOICE. embittered by all that she had done and unwilling to watch her friends get hurt or DIE for her, she committed suicide in the middle of the battle - sacrificing herself ONCE AGAIN for the good of her friends.

WHITE PHOENIX OF THE CROWN. talk of death throughout.

green the good, red the bad, and white to which she had yet to discover the meaning to. the portion of jean’s consciousness that had merged with the phoenix a lifetime before awoke in a space between worlds and time and SPACE called THE WHITE HOT ROOM in a version of the ICONIC costume. for the first time since she had merged with the cosmic entity, the real jean grey was awake and able to THINK - though before she could come to any conclusion on what it all MEANT, DEATH came to her.

it was presented with a PAINFUL PARADOX. though jean grey had NOT eaten a star and destroyed a galaxy, she also, in a sense, HAD. her PENANCE for a wrongdoing that couldn’t be entirely pinned to her was to build towers that would house the victims of the dark phoenix, and over time, this version of DEATH informed jean that while her merging with the phoenix force had seemed RANDOM, they would not have been able to become one if they were not MEANT to. she was the one true host, and it belonged to her BY RIGHT.

jean completed her penance, and her version of death instructed her to RETURN TO LIFE. TO LEARN. dominos in effect meant that the FANTASTIC FOUR had discovered her body - and TRUE ESSENCE - in a cocoon beneath jamaica bay, and as they studied it back at base, jean grey AWOKE and EMERGED.

the first thing that jean learned was that in the time that she had been DEAD, the world had changed. scott had moved on - MARRYING A WOMAN NAMED MADELYNE PRYOR who looked exactly LIKE her, and having a SON. the x-men had moved on, and she was stunned to discover them working alongside magneto. over the next few months, she was forced to balance readjusting to LIFE with battling a HOST of demons and SITUATIONS that made it near impossible. scott abandoned his family. it turned out that madelyne was a CLONE designed to turn EVIL upon rejection, and jean was forced to absorb her in battle. her sister, sara, a PRO MUTANT speaker, was killed by anti mutant extremists. rachel, a mysterious new member of the team that had arrived while she was gone was revealed to be her and scott’s DAUGHTER from another timeline. scott’s SON, nathan, was kidnapped along with jean’s niece and nephew and upon being saved contracted TECHNO VIRUS, forcing jean and scott to send him to the FUTURE so he might be SAFE. then they all met CABLE, an older version of nathan from the FUTURE.

as you can see, it was all a LOT. it was a wonder that given all that was happening that jean and scott even managed to reconcile - but over time, THEY DID, and on the lawns of xavier’s, the two reunited members of the x-men MARRIED. for their honeymoon, their consciousness’ were sent forward in time in order to raise the young NATHAN SUMMERS ( cable ), allowing them time as a FAMILY before they returned, ready to continue as a husband and wife duo.

HOWEVER. though they spent MONTHS fighting the good fight alongside one another, and though they did a great deal of good in that time - jean and scott’s marriage began to suffer almost IMMEDIATELY. though they loved each other, dearly, they had been through TOO much to be HAPPY, now. a distance formed between them that spanned too wide for them to HEAL, and scott seeking help from emma frost, who in turn FELL IN LOVE WITH HIM, proved to be the last straw. she had only just discovered the psychic affair when the x-men were attacked, once more, and XORN attacked her with an overwhelming ELECTROMAGNETIC blast. it STOPPED her heart - KILLING HER - but it also worked as way of AWAKENING the phoenix force, once more, and in spite of all the wrong it had done, jean agreed to aid it in finding all of it’s pieces, scattered across the omniverse.

though briefly an INCOMPLETE version of the phoenix force, in line with the DARK version of itself, returned and wrecked havok - JEAN GREY prevailed, reminded by the collective x-men of how MUCH she was LOVED and reached enough that she was able to take back control, and consciously return to the white hot room. given a goodbye with scott - who reminded her that no matter what the cosmos said, SHE WAS JEAN GREY, always - and more content than she had ever been with the knowledge of how much her family meant to her, jean vowed, in spite of the fact that as WHITE PHOENIX OF THE CROWN she could CONSCIOUSLY resurrect herself, not to return until such a time as the phoenix was STABLE.

TIME DISPLACED.

five years ago, a YOUNGER version of the jean grey this world knew was brought forward in time alongside younger versions of each of the original team for their own SAFETY. the mental blocks placed on this jean’s mind dissolved upon appearance in the future meaning that she accessed her power a year earlier than she should have - and was privy to knowledge of her FUTURE that no child should have had. this version of jean wanted nothing more than to avoid the tragedy of her older counterparts existence. she spent the sum of her time, here, training herself in her own powers, and trying to find a way to absolve herself of the future - AVOID THE PHOENIX, avoid the PAIN. she returned to the past, eventually ; returning with no MEMORY of all she’d done, here. it was the price that had to be paid.

JEAN GREY.

and then, she RETURNED. the ORIGINAL jean grey, resurrected by the PHOENIX FORCE, without memory of herself, or her LIFE. for weeks she was trapped in a small bubble of existence in new mexico, and though she continued to be subtly manipulated, subconsciously, jean knew that the world she was living in was a farce - sending psychic flares for help out into the real world in form of projections of tragedies of the past. saved by her FRIENDS in due time, jean RENOUNCED the phoenix’s ways - choosing LIFE over it.

she has returned now, HERSELF, and for the first time in a LIFETIME, jean gets to be WHO SHE HAS ALWAYS WANTED TO BE. she gets to LIVE, and for her, this means becoming a TEACHER and psychologist at paragon, working to do GOOD. she cannot erase her past, but she CAN form her future ; and this time, jean INTENDS to.

SECTION TWO OF THREE: HEADCANONS

jean remains the world’s most iconic redhead ; though in MY version, her hair color comes from her MUTATION. it was the EARLIEST indication that her parents had their youngest daughter was going to be something MORE, though neither could have predicted by just how much.

in a way, she CHOSE never to have children. though she briefly entertained the idea of having RACHEL in this timeline, jean shudders to think about her children going through what she did with the phoenix force due to the blood that runs in their veins and nothing more. she always preferred NOT putting them through that - though she would be LYING if, in addition to that, a part of the choice HAS been taken from her since all she’s ever really done is… die. for NOW, she’s CONTENT. she thinks of nathan ( cable ) and nate as her sons, she thinks of rachel as a DAUGHTER ( though she struggles a bit here, sometimes ). now that she is somewhat FREE and has this second chance at life, jean DOES consider her future, and CHILDREN…. but she’s happy to see where life takes her.

she was dead for TWENTY FOUR years - bar a few BRIEF appearances back on earth, both in search of phoenix fragments and in order to keep the phoenix in check. finally… the jean/scott/emma timeline makes sense. the phoenix brought her back in late 2017, and it was MIDWAY through 2018 that she finally began sending out her own PSYCHIC FLARES.

per the grey family massacre, jean is now THE LAST OF THEM - it’s very sad, so pour one out.

SECTION THREE OF THREE: WANTED CONNECTIONS

patients !! ppl she’s talking to routinely to help them thru their traumas !!

but specifically : a little group of ppl who have all died and come back ( doesn’t matter for how long. years like jean ?? months ?? weeks ?? an hour ?? ) and want to try and work through the trauma associated w that. jean can lead them all in a sort of … group therapy thing. she’s died MULTIPLE times and come back so rly … she’s a good option

friends !! and not just, like… canon friends. ppl who she’s friends w NOW

peoPLE WHO KNEW TIME DISPLACED HER !!! that’s a fun connect. gimme ppl who were like… genuinely FRIENDS w little jean and are now like ?? the fuc

anything you’ll give me, frankly